Spiritual Alchemy: Navigating Codependency and the Mother Wound with Alyssa Zander

Are you aware of your shadows? Ever heard about a mother wound, or encountered codependency in your life? Let’s explore these profound concepts with Alyssa Zander, our esteemed guest for this episode.

Alyssa, an expert in the field of emotional healing, guides us through an illuminating journey where we unravel the meanings and manifestations of codependency. We also tread the path to understanding the 'mother wound,' a subject that shapes our self-perception in more ways than we realize.

This episode is not just an exploration, it's an open invitation to self-transformation. Alyssa takes us deep into the realm of shadow work and inner child healing, where introspective questions lead us to our hidden fears. She encourages us to view traits like people-pleasing and self-sacrifice as wisdom rather than obstacles, a perspective that can change how we handle these patterns in our life.

Alyssa's openness about her personal experiences adds authenticity to the discourse and makes the journey less daunting. As we wrap up this enlightening conversation, Alyssa shares her platform, Codependency Alchemy, where such conversations continue to empower individuals. She also invites us to join her YouTube channel and mastermind group for in-depth experiences.

We catch a glimpse of Alyssa's upcoming projects and hear her hopes for the future. This episode is a powerful conversation, a promise to rewrite narratives, and a beacon of hope to heal emotional wounds.

To learn more about Alyssa: https://stan.store/alyssaaazander

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:48

Hello everyone, welcome to our spiritual spotlight series. Today I am joined by Alyssa Zander. She works with women to heal codependency in the mother room through shadow work at inner child healing. Using somatics and energy healing, she will transmute and alchemize codependent patterns, such as people pleasing perfectionism, overgiving and self-sacrificing to see the wisdom within them. She has a mentorship program and a podcast. We're going to get into all of that. Alyssa, thank you so much for coming on the spiritual spotlight series. I'm so happy you're here.

Speaker 2: 1:17

Yeah, thank you, rachel, so much for having me Such an honor, so sweet.

Speaker 1: 1:21

So let's dive right in. So your work centers around healing codependency in the mother wounds. Can you maybe give our listeners a brief rundown of what these terms mean?

Speaker 2: 1:32

Yeah, absolutely the way that I define codependency has really helped me and, I think, helped shape the women who I work with start to see it a little bit differently, because I think there's a stigma around codependency. Right, we think, oh it's you know, when you enable someone with an addiction and then we immediately just say, well, that's not me.

Speaker 1: 1:51

So don't worry about that, yeah.

Speaker 2: 1:54

When, really, codependency is so much deeper than that. The way I define it is when you put your worth or your good feelings about yourself on something or someone outside of you. So how it can relate to that. Enabling addiction can be like oh well, in order for this person to love me, I need to enable them. So, yes, that can absolutely be a way that codependency shows up. However, it can also show up in the way that we relate to our parents or to our partners, or even to our work, Like our success. Our worthiness or deservingness can be dependent on how you know quote unquote successful you are in your work or in your business, and we can have a codependent relationship like I'm only good or worthy or successful if I have this thing that's outside of me and tell us a little bit about what a mother wound is.

Speaker 2: 2:51

Yeah, and so the mother wound is when we it's like when we didn't get the love or the protection or the safety that we needed or deserved when we were children. And I want to like add this caveat too, because I think people hear the mother wound and they think, well, my mother was loving and kind and like. I have a great relationship with my mother, and to that I would say, same I do. I love my mom. My mom is an amazing human. She did her absolute best, phrasing us. However, the mother wound still exists within me. It can show up as the ways that we isolate, judge, compare ourselves to others Because if you think about, you know, generations of mothers that came for us and even those who are mothers now, you might relate to this where you just feel like you have to hold it all, where you have to be the caretaker to everyone, where you have to be everything to everyone, and that can be really isolating. That is the mother wound thinking we need to, to give of ourselves in order to receive love.

Speaker 1: 3:59

That is so powerful. I mean, even as a mom myself who is a professional it's this expectation that we have to do it all. And what you're saying is I relate that to the mother wound and it's an unrealistic expectation. It absolutely is. It absolutely is. I'm like crying, I'm like I need to have a mother wound session, but it's interesting, like you know, with the mother wound, like you're 100% correct, like there's so many women and it may even like come from a dad who was, you know, acting as both roles you know that just wasn't able to provide that kind of, you know, healing and love and protection and safety, and there's millions and millions upon people that have suffered through having parents that just maybe weren't capable to be parents. Like that's so tough. So let me ask you this you specialize in working with women. Is there a particular reason why you've chosen this focus and what unique challenges do you find that women face in overcoming codependency?

Speaker 2: 5:05

I think you know it wasn't my intention to only work with women Initially. Actually, I was a parenting coach, so I was doing. I used to be an early childhood educator, so I'm masters as an early childhood education, so I used to do parent like parenting classes. I love that, yeah. So I did work with a lot of fathers and dads and men.

Speaker 2: 5:29

It just sort of started taking shift, because there was this very consistent pattern where the women were holding it all and they were just pointing fingers, blaming but he doesn't do this, he doesn't do that, he doesn't do this.

Speaker 2: 5:44

And so I saw an opportunity to begin to support women and not be not being that victim. Right, like this. Woe is me, everything falls on my shoulders and putting the blame on solely their other partner. But saying like, okay, where do I have a responsibility in this too, where am I actually not asking for what I need? And I have, you know, great models of this both my parents. They're in a very codependent relationship and I've watched how they've navigated and so I can see these patterns and these themes in my relationship. Even, right, I started saying like, oh, this is where I do this, so I just started teaching women because they. I think there's that burden, I think that women carry and that mothers carry and this deep seated fear of being a bad mom, this fear that they'll do anything to not be a bad mom, and really giving them the opportunity to rewrite that for themselves.

Speaker 1: 6:49

As you're saying, that that is so true, like I have two sons and that is a fair of mine. I don't want my kids to think I'm a bad mom and I'm also human and we have limitations. And to go back to your codependency and how you talk about having a profession, I remember many years ago I had someone say to me I find myself worth in my job and I was like, oh yeah, so do I. And then, but as you're saying them like, no, I don't. I find it within, like it's so. But I mean, but honestly, I know that that was my viewpoint for many years of, well, I'm successful, so I myself worth, I love myself, I'm amazing, I love that you work, I love this work that you're doing. This is so powerful. I'm having a moment in my brain. I love this, thank you. I'm like, please, we need you. So let's talk about shadow work. It's a term that gets thrown around quite a bit in the spiritual community and your own practice. What does shadow work entail?

Speaker 2: 7:52

Okay, so shadow work is like I'm trying to even come up with like a name for it, cause my business it's like it's almost like a triangle. It's shadow work, inner child healing and somatics. I think if you do those three things like, you can radically change all of your relationships. So to answer your question specifically, with shadow work, it's really starting to. It's about curiosity. I'll just start with that. When I invite the women who I work with and myself into shadow work, it's usually with questions, so a great, just tool that for your listeners you can take this and run with it. You can write something like if something were to happen, like if I were to do X or if I were to do or weren't. Let me give a specific example.

Speaker 2: 8:46

Let's talk about perfectionism, because so many people experience perfectionism. So shadow work is understanding how we are relating to perfectionism and what we think we're gonna get from it. It's really beginning to access the part of our psyche that we were press and push away and we're bringing it in a little bit closer. So the analogy I give to people is like you're inviting your shadows in for tea, that you're gonna have them come in, sit across from you because they have wisdom in them. Perfectionism is this pattern that we're like oh, I do it and I hate it and I don't wanna do it anymore. But what if we instead said like okay, perfection, the part of me that is struggling with perfectionism, can you come in closer and can I begin to have a conversation of why you exist? Right, beautiful. So the question that you can lay out is if I wasn't perfect, then what would that mean about me?

Speaker 1: 9:46

Oh, I like that spin. I mean it's powerful. You're right, and you can apply that for any aspect of the shadow that you're working on as you're inviting them in for tea.

Speaker 2: 9:58

Exactly exactly. Because then they start saying well, if I'm not perfect, then, well, then, people won't like me.

Speaker 1: 10:05

Yeah Well, the relationship will fall apart, or I won't be successful, or I won't be worthy of love, or that can really lay out a lot of different things. Wow, I'm like we'll see. You're good. So let me ask you this, because I know you just brought this up your triangle, so your approach also blends in somatics and energy healing. Can you maybe share an example or two of how these methods help in transmuting the codependent patterns?

Speaker 2: 10:37

Yeah, so we'll stick with the example of perfectionism, right? So say we would go through that shadow work piece, Okay, well, if I'm not perfect, well then no one will like me. And then I'll end up. Let's say we do that a couple rounds, well, it ends up with I'll be alone. So the deep-seated fear is I'll be alone. Right, that's the core of the shadow.

Speaker 2: 10:57

So then we would take it into inner child work, where I would say how old is this part of you that fears being alone? And then you kind of start to tend to where does the fear of being alone live in your body? And then so then, like if I were to tap into where that lives in my body, where does the fear of being alone live in my body? And for me, immediately what I felt was this like contraction, sort of like in my womb space, like in my root almost, which is correlated to safety. So I guess that kind of makes sense, right, Like if I'm alone, then maybe I'm not safe, right? And so the reason why I bring it into asking where does it live in your body I even ask more prompts, usually where it's like what does it feel like? What does it look like? Does it have a color, a shape, a texture, Because we're really good at having this like logical, mental idea of like what perfectionism is, for example. But our bodies also have a story that they're trying to tell us and it's oh, I contract and I don't feel safe when I'm afraid of being alone.

Speaker 2: 12:09

And so then we start tuning into like where we're actually carrying this and holding this fear in our body and how our bodies are responding to that fear.

Speaker 1: 12:19

Yeah, and then ultimately, you're giving them practices to help release it. Exactly and to be able to empower themselves to move forward.

Speaker 2: 12:29

It's very powerful.

Speaker 1: 12:30

I love that. So the term people pleasing and self-sacrificing resonates with so many of us. How do you guide women to see the wisdom within these behavioral patterns rather than viewing them as mere obstacles?

Speaker 2: 12:47

Yeah, so the way that we see the wisdom in them, which I kind of like started alluding to when I said we bring them in for tea, right, I'll never forget when we did perfectionism because we started learning, like how the part of us that does that pattern is actually the part of us that is trying to keep us in integrity, right. So like there is a benefit, there is a wisdom to it. So you mentioned people pleasing and self-sacrificing. The part of us that self-sacrifices thinks that well, if I self-sacrifice, I will receive love. If I self-sacrifice, I will be seen as caring, I will be seen as loving, I will be seen as nice, and a lot of what I've watched the women that I work with through is actually saying well, how do you feel when you self-sacrifice?

Speaker 2: 13:38

I'm tired tired, resentful, angry, frustrated, alone. It's just like to begin to see the shadow piece of that. You start reality checking yourself a little bit like, oh, I'm doing this thing because I think it's gonna provide me with something, but actually it's, it's providing you with quite literally the opposite. That's the wisdom, right? The wisdom is seeing how the patterns that we're participating in are actually Creating the thing that we don't want as opposed to the thing that we do want, which is a felt sense.

Speaker 1: 14:17

Do you find that a lot of your clients or when they come to you, do they know what they're like, the issue that they need to work on, or is that something you kind of have to dig in with them, like you said? It's like you have to kind of do reality checkpoints.

Speaker 2: 14:32

Mm-hmm. I think Mostly people know that they don't want to feel how they feel anymore. I think it's it's it's much more vague and broad. They a lot of like the content that I make on like Instagram and TikTok and my YouTube channel. A lot of it is creating awareness, because most people aren't aware, they aren't aware that they have these patterns or these tendencies. So I'm trying to name them without just saying people pleasing, or just saying Professionist or you know, I'm trying to be let, give more, more language around it for them to begin to tap in. But usually when people come to me, it's more broad. It's I, I'm resentful in my relationship, I want to leave my marriage, like I'm my, my child's driving me crazy or like it's. It's something like that, yeah, and then we start unraveling it together.

Speaker 1: 15:24

I love that. It's almost like, okay, we're gonna have a starting point, but then we're gonna dig in. And then can you share maybe some of your transformational stories that you've had with some of your clients?

Speaker 2: 15:35

Yeah, absolutely Absolutely. So I created codependency, alchemy, the membership and the mastermind, which are my group programs, because, honestly, I needed a space to continue to be checked, because I I think it's easy to be like, oh well, I did this shadow work journey and now I'm healed. Or oh, I did this energy session on my, on my inner child, and now I'm healed, and it's like, oh Actually, inaccurate. And that thought pattern actually perpetuates the one of the biggest core wounds, which is I didn't do it right, I'm not good enough, yes, right, because it's like when it comes up again, you're like, oh, I did this already, it already exactly like you, gotta dig in more girlfriend, hmm exactly.

Speaker 2: 16:22

First things I tell my clients I'm like this is not you end up at healed by the end of our time together. Our time together is I'm gonna give you tools so that you can hold yourself when these patterns come up again. Because, well, after, after you feel complete in our time together, these patterns will come up again until they don't. And I always say, like spirit, I am open to this never happening again or this not ever coming up again. But until then, I need to know that I have the tools and that's what I want to give. Others is the tools. And so Some transformational stories.

Speaker 2: 16:59

You know there's a few that come off the top of my head. One in particular was this mother who really just doubted herself and who Didn't have very much confidence is how she would describe it, you know, just low confidence, overgiving, self-sacrifice and extremely resentful. And after our time together, like when she left that membership space, it was just like I actually feel like I've got this. I'm actually feel like I know. I know how to hold space for myself. I know how to set boundaries for myself, because boundaries is a huge one. Everyone talks about it, but no one talks about how to enforce them. Yeah, and so it's just like she's, like I actually feel confident enough to lead myself and like that is the greatest gift is is being able to Feel confident enough to leave a space, knowing that you've got you, that you felt enough resilience and trust within yourself, that you're not seeking outside of yourself for all the answers anymore, because you know the answers actually live within you.

Speaker 1: 18:09

I love that any other stories you want to share about transformations from your clients.

Speaker 2: 18:14

Okay, there's one more where. So this one in particular really, really high energy when it comes to conflict with her partner power struggle. I would call it a power struggle, an intense struggle. And the other day she actually came to one of the membership calls and was like Alyssa, I had a conflict with my husband and I told him in the moment like I needed to take some space, which, like before, this person would never do that they would like go until to the nail, right, yeah, and even went back and apologized for the things that she had said in the fight, in the conflict, where before apologies were very few and far in between. It's a lot of the work that I do is where can we take radical personal responsibility for our part in some of these dynamics? And that can be really hard for people with codependency, because we don't wanna be seen as like bad or wrong or unhealed.

Speaker 1: 19:13

I do like the fact, though, this radical accountability. Like I do think, though, we do have a tendency to displace blame onto other people when we really need to be accountable for our own actions, and you're right about it being uncomfortable to look at, and it's what an amazing story. Like she maybe didn't wanna look at that before, and then she was able to self-reflect, pause and then go back, and I would imagine her relationship is so much better now.

Speaker 2: 19:43

Yeah, I mean, she really got to see. She worked through the shadow, work prompts, things that we do every single month together and got to the root of it. Oh, I wanna fight because I'm afraid of losing power, and if I lose power then this person can harm me. You know, and that's the root, even though her husband isn't causing harm, he's not a harmful person. At one point that was true for her, and she was able to get to that all on her own, and that is like I couldn't hope for anything better than that.

Speaker 1: 20:12

That is amazing, amazing story. So let me ask you this so, given that you work so closely with emotional and energetic dynamics, what self-care practices do you employ to keep yourself balanced and aligned?

Speaker 2: 20:27

Yeah, I have learned, I would say, even in the last few months, to like an extreme is that safety is so important Safety, safety, safety. How can I cultivate it for myself even more today? And so I would say a self-care practice that I've been really leaning into right now is like every morning waking up and reminding my body that it's safe, by whether that's a mantra and affirmation. Sometimes I just visualize myself like in this orb or in this bubble that's like really bright and has space. I make sure there's no one else in my bubble and really like claim it. That's been really supportive for me. Honestly, I think it's just having conversations with myself. Like it sounds so silly and I know that I probably look like a crazy person on the outside and I'm kind of just over it at this point Like this is how I create a really powerful relationship with myself.

Speaker 2: 21:26

If I'm in a moment, or if I'm, I call it being in it if I'm in it and like triggered or activated, I'll just start talking to myself. What is this here to show me? What is this here to show me about me? What does this part of me need? And I like immediately put a hand on my heart, because as soon as I ask the question so I guess a tool, I would say something that I do is asking a question what is this here to show me? Where does this live in my body? How old is this part of me? What is this part of me need it like? Creates just enough separation for those activating moments for me to see that this is not me and my like higher self, or it puts me in that seat of self.

Speaker 1: 22:09

I love that idea. Honestly, like I know, even today I was having a meeting with some doctors today and it was it was stressful and I think I should have if I would have known this practice now I do. I mean, what is this here to show me Like cause I was getting so emotionally charged? I?

Speaker 2: 22:26

love that.

Speaker 1: 22:27

That's a really good idea. I mean, it disconnects you from that triggering moment and, like you said, it brings it back, and then I'm able to identify it and then move on and then have a more successful day.

Speaker 2: 22:39

Absolutely.

Speaker 1: 22:40

So tell us about your podcast. It's called codependency alchemy the podcast. Tell us all about it.

Speaker 2: 22:46

Yeah, yeah. So codependency alchemy the podcast came out this year in April and every month it just grows and grows and grows. It's amazing. It was really built and created from a place where I just like I want people to be able to have these conversations and a lot of people don't have access to these kinds of conversations and I loved that. I got to get into it a little bit on, like, my social media platforms. I show a lot of all of this stuff on those on those platforms but I wanted to like have a place where people could like really tune in and I can even walk them through a process of.

Speaker 2: 23:26

Some of the episodes are meditation, where I allow you to kind of like tap in and we'll move through it together. I just kind of wanted to bring a little bit of what we do in the membership to the collective who, like maybe can't invest in the membership right now but still want to be a part of the conversations or tap into it or even see like is this something that I want to explore more? It's like a great kind of jumping off point, for I call it like the student. There's like three tiers of people in my world there's the student, the alchemist and the creator. Perfect for the students Like you, kind of you're learning at your own pace, you're dipping your toes in, you're still kind of figuring out where you fit into these types of patterns and just learning more information.

Speaker 1: 24:12

I love that. And then is that available on all, like podcast channels, like Spotify. That's awesome. So in also, you said you have a YouTube channel. What's the name of your YouTube channel?

Speaker 2: 24:23

Yeah, so all my socials is Alyssa a, a Xander, it's like my name, with a couple of A's at the end of my first name, and I post video, my video podcast on YouTube. I also post, like my, some of my TikToks on YouTube, shorts and things like that.

Speaker 1: 24:41

That's perfect. And then you said you have a membership and a mastermind, so I know you told us a little bit about that. If anyone is interested in signing up for those, where is the best place for them to go to?

Speaker 2: 24:53

Yeah, first, I would say definitely follow me on Instagram or TikTok, wherever you're at, because I post on there every day and you'll get a really fun version of me. I'm very raw and real over there. But if you go to AlyssaXandercom, that will take you to my stand store where you can get access to all the things that I offer. So if I'm doing like a one-off workshop, everything will kind of be there. You can access the membership and the mastermind is a much more intimate community. I only open doors for that offering a couple of times a year. I don't know when this will be aired, but we are open. The doors are open right now, in October. They close in November and it's a six month commitment.

Speaker 1: 25:39

And when did they reopen? In 2024?

Speaker 2: 25:42

April.

Speaker 1: 25:43

April. Okay, I'm going to make sure to post that before then.

Speaker 2: 25:49

Well, and if not, it's okay. But it's a six month commitment because it's like we're a small cohort, we're going deep.

Speaker 1: 25:55

We're doing a deep dive.

Speaker 2: 25:57

It's very intimate and super transformational.

Speaker 1: 26:01

I love that. So, before we wrap up, alyssa, can you share what's next on your horizon, any upcoming projects or offerings you'd like to share to our spiritual spotlight audience?

Speaker 2: 26:12

Yeah, I think I mean just I'm pouring into the podcast right now, honestly, because we just hit top 100 in like multiple different countries for relationships, and so I think just you know, go check that out. If you hear something or if the podcast speaks to you, send me a DM, send me an email. I love connecting with you guys. That would be like my. My huge ask is like go check it out, see if you like it, see if it's the port.

Speaker 1: 26:39

Subscribe, like and leave a review. Yeah.

Speaker 2: 26:42

Yeah, seriously, I'm getting better at asking for those things, well.

Speaker 1: 26:47

Alyssa, thank you so so much for coming on the spiritual spotlight series. It was a pleasure to meet with you and I definitely look forward to talking to you again soon, yeah.

Speaker 2: 26:56

Awesome. Thank you for watching Buh обрат.