Flower in the River: A Family Tale Finally Told

Rearview Regrets: U-Turns to Growth

• Natalie Zett

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Get ready for a thrilling ride through time, exploring how the ghosts of our pasts shape our futures. Even regrets can be useful if you know how to work with them!  Episode 21 introduces Chapter 5. Living in the Past.

Join Zara and brand-new character Elly DeAngelo as Zara excavates long-buried regrets and revisits forgotten memories. Unravel the impact of past experiences on present-day realities as Zara navigates the twists and turns of life.

Then, switch gears and venture into the daunting --and truly haunting--realm of corporate life with Zara and Elly—the endless maze of cubicles, insane hours, and the occasional disconnected phone service!

Zara pieces together the mysterious events of Chicago's tragic 1915 Eastland Disaster in a riveting historical investigation that reveals more questions than answers.

The past is so much more than mere nostalgia - it's a compelling compass that orients our pursuits and choices as we chart new courses ahead. Don't miss this fascinating exploration into the ghosts of yesterday!

Music

  • Gnossienne no 1 - Romi Kopelman (Artlist)
Natalie:

Hello again, this is Natalie, of course, and welcome to episode 21 of Flower in the River podcast. It's where we go into the next chapter in Flower in the River, and that would be Chapter 5.

Natalie:

Living in the Past the title is something that kept playing in my head. It was inspired by Jethro Tull. Jethro Tull was and I guess still is, an English rock group that was formed in the late 1960s, as a lot of incredibly influential rock groups were, and they started to become very eclectic, incorporating classical sounds and the amazing flute playing of one of the most prominent members, ian Anderson. So it's a really haunting, beautiful, intelligent collection of music, really captivating, and one of the songs that they wrote that has stayed with me for so many years was called Living in the Past, and so this was one of the reasons that I immediately tacked that title onto this chapter. I interpreted it as a song about the conflicts of reliving pleasant times, but also having regrets, thinking about what.

Natalie:

If so, in popular culture it does sometimes feel as if we're cautioned or severely reprimanded if we spend too much time thinking about living in the past and having God forbid regrets. We're not supposed to have regrets. It's strange, though, because our emotional color wheel I just made that up is so vast. It has all kinds of emotions, and it does remind me of the actual color wheel, where all colors are present and one cannot exist without the other. Yet we seem to enjoy trying to cut out emotions from our emotional color wheel that are not acceptable to our culture. But does it ever dawn on anyone to maybe stop and question that programming that we have? You really can learn a lot from living in the past and exploring regrets. Yes, you can, because regrets can actually be a very instructive experience, because they can move you forward. He said regrets tell you about what was and is important to you. Think about that for a while the inability to reflect, the inability to make assessment of what's happening really, I think, can be detrimental to growth at least that is my experience and ignoring unpleasant emotions and memories really actually worked for Zara until her father died. Then the floodgates were opened. And the floodgates were opened even further when she received her aunt's family history, which was a portal into a past that she never knew, and those two experiences pressure and force her into looking into her own past actions, and it ain't pretty. Sometimes Zara is stuck in present time, and present time's not looking too good to her either. But, spoiler alert, I can tell you that she is going to slowly learn how to harvest this power of tragedy and her own regrets and turn these experiences into something very powerful. She will learn self-compassion and forgiveness for doing what she did just to survive.

Natalie:

This chapter opens with a quote from a 1940s radio drama written by Arch Obler. I've mentioned this in other podcasts and will probably mention it again because it is so evocative. They replayed these old radio dramas on AM Radio when I was a kid, and that began my love affair with the theater of the mind, as it's called, and sure, videos are amazing and there's nothing like them but the theater of the mind when you're listening to a voice and you're constructing a story in your head, that is really powerful. That is also a force to be reckoned with. It's your imagination, you're creating the images and no one is directly programming it for you. I really hope that you will listen to an old radio drama or two sometime, primarily so you can see how wonderful your mind and imagination are as you participate in constructing the story. So I open this chapter with a quote from Arch Obbler from his play the Archer.

Natalie:

I know that sounds confusing, but the Archer was a radio drama, also set in the 1940s, where a young woman gets mixed up with gangsters. She's kidnapped and two gangsters holding her hostage are waiting for a third gangster to show up so he can kill her. Okay, sometimes you have to suspend logic in the theater of the mind and in these 1940s radio dramas the woman is scared, rightfully so, and she's mired in regrets for her life choices that led her to this place where she is at the moment, and she screams out for help. Help comes in the form of an ancestor of hers who returned from the time of the Norman conquests with bow and arrow in hand. One by one, he picks off the villains and then disappears by the time the police arrive. Was it all in her head? Well, there were these three guys laying on the floor with arrows shot through them. So you can decide it's a great story.

Natalie:

Sometimes, though, someone does come forward, someone we least expect, someone from the long ago past who's already died, but they're there for us, maybe not literally, but they're there. As Archobler wrote at the conclusion of this play your ancestors battle for you every waking moment. I mean that literally, and what does that mean? In a sense, the onus is on you and me to interpret what it means if you feel that connection with somebody, but that is definitely what this chapter is about. It is called again living in the past.

Natalie:

Not only is Zara dealing with her world turned on its axis, it's contrasted with her work life, which is, to say the very least, one of those proverbial mind-numbing, soul-sucking experiences. I know you've heard about this, and maybe, unfortunately, you've experienced it or you have a job like that right now, and I have to say that one of my favorite characters in the entire book is introduced in this chapter, and it's not Zara. I mean, I like Zara, but the one who really balances out everything is her closest friend who you finally get to meet. Her name is Eleonora the Angelo, ellie the Angelo. And Ellie is the perfect contrast and counter and foil and everything else to Zara, but she really is with Zara on this journey, as her friend. The journey is very much a physical journey where there's a lot of traveling and moving, but it's also a spiritual journey, and Ellie provides the guiding light and the wisdom for a lot of this.

Natalie:

And again, the roles do reverse, and what happens in this opening scene is we see Zara's work situation. Both Zara and Ellie are working at this dysfunctional company located near the Mall of America in Minneapolis. It's a struggling company that produces industrial videos, multimedia training and assorted related projects, and they have a lot of high profile and well known clients too. Sounds glamorous, right, but glamour, as we'll see, has a price. This is based on my own work experience in the late 1990s, where I worked as a developer, project manager and script writer for several of these types of companies, and all three of these companies, by the way, went out of business, primarily due to various levels of mismanagement. I know it happens. So that's Zara's world, and when the scene opens she dreads going into the office and can't wait for her colleague and friend Ellie to return from New York City where Ellie was conducting training sessions for a week. And she so wants to tell Ellie about the discoveries of her Aunt Martha and the document from her Aunt Pearl. And she definitely wants to talk about this Eastland disaster thing. But for whatever reason she's also hesitant, and this is not typical of Zara Previously in her relationship with Ellie. She tells Ellie everything and Ellie tells her everything, and this is the first time Zara starts to go within to try to figure out what's going on before she shares it.

Natalie:

Let's dive into the first section of living in the past, chapter 5 Living in the Past. Your ancestors battle for you every waking moment. I mean that literally Arch Obler. While driving to work, zahra felt more unsettled than usual, initially attributing the malaise to early spring doldrums. She hoped she'd feel better when winter finally receded. But her depression wasn't weather-related. Her work life was like an awful movie that needed a new scriptwriter. This morning she cajoled and threatened herself just to get to the office. How will you pay your rent? How will you pay your bills? But you have a good job, an exciting job, her neighbor once said.

Natalie:

But Zahra's career or the company she worked for was in free fall. Producing industrial videos and multimedia training sounded glamorous, except that Zahra and her fellow producers had little control over projects and budgets. Then there was the company Granted, in a high rise near the Mall of America. Johnson and Smith Training had been in business for ten years. Despite itself, zahra took the position over a year ago, ignoring industry colleagues' warning about the company's instability and insanity.

Natalie:

And the 14-hour days salvaging underbid contracts and dealing with irritating clients and colleagues exacted a toll. She'd stagger home exhausted and tried sleeping in the late afternoons, but even while she slept, anxiety stabbed her awake. Holding into the parking spot, zahra surveyed the 15-story soulless glass tower. Thing looks like a charred dick. How symbolic, she thought while rifling through the back of her RAV4 for her portfolios. Could this be any more purposeless?

Natalie:

The interior resembled every other newer office building in Minneapolis, with the prerequisite convenience store, dry cleaner, caribou coffee and Brian Z's deli. Fake brick and lots of windows guaranteed the offices were too cold in the winter. During summer the glass magnified, the sun's rays slowly roasting its occupants. Zahra opened the glass door and noticed Miss Mary, the receptionist, was on a call. She scurried past her, hoping to avoid a conversation. Good morning Zahra, said Miss Mary slamming the phone.

Natalie:

Eighty-year-old Mary was the owner's mother and quite the sight, with pink dandelion puffball hair. She resembled Barbara Cartland, sans jewels and furs, and spent her days behind an oversized oak veneer desk swapping recipes, gossip and doing occasional work-related tasks. Hey, mary, said Zahra, zipping past her. Zahra said Miss Mary calling after her Do you have a recipe for quiche? Ah no, said Zahra through gritted teeth. Remember, I don't cook, bake or do any of that stuff. Oh, said Miss Mary, sounding dejected, looking down the long row of cubicles to her office. Zahra got a whiff of pot and glanced over at Joel, one of the designers, gazing intently at his monitor, watching the screensaver as it painted rainbows. At least this is better than last month when he odied on Coke and Ecstasy right before lunch. Zara had never seen anyone have a seizure until that day. Zara was counting the days until Ellie's return.

Natalie:

Zara came to work for this company because of Ellie. For ten years they'd been in each other's lives, first as mentor, mentee, then colleagues, but always friends. Zara wanted to tell Ellie about Pearl, aunt Martha and the Eastland. Ellie would understand, maybe even better than Zara. Zara saw other co-workers standing around in the aisles. Hey Zara, said Scott, a blonde man in his early twenties who was a designer. We're going to the mall for drinks and late night bowling. You want to come, scott, but I have plans tonight, said Zara. Plans, did I hear you say you have plans? Said Polly, who was one of the project coordinators. Yes, plans, said Zara. Do tell, said Polly, following Zara inside her office and closing the door.

Natalie:

Polly, about 45 years old, was wedged into a pair of bib overalls. She resembled Pippi Longstocking the later years, with freckles and orange-red pigtails. Nothing to tell, said Zara, opening the door. She hoped Polly would leave, but even when Zara tried, polly refused to be insulted. Come on, who is she? Who is the next, mrs Robble, said Polly. Knock it off, polly. I'm doing some research. That's all, said Zara, if you say so, said Polly, winking and walking away, closing the door.

Natalie:

Zara logged on to her computer, stared at the 15 urgent emails and turned away. Taking a legal pad from her desk, she jotted down Martha Pfeiffer, born November 13, 1895, johnstown, pa, died July 24, 1915, chicago, illinois. Whatever happened between those dates? What happened on the day of the Eastland disaster? Zara had no clue how to solve this mystery. But tomorrow was Saturday and she could carry on. She had no time to waste the library, the store and more.

Natalie:

On Saturday, zara awakened at 3 am and began reviewing her notes from the call, with Aunt Pearl Studying her decrepit PC and antiquated modem. She could now justify replacing them. She needed a powerful machine to embark on this magnificent quest. True, she could research at work, but more often than not the network was down. When Fred, the network administrator, had his own reliability issues since returning from his two months' stay at Hazeldon, although he wasn't blacking out and accidentally setting the computer room on fire, he wasn't eager to solve network problems. So when Zara once asked when the network would be up and running, he smiled and said One day at a time, time for technological self-sufficiency.

Natalie:

On the way to CompUSA she stopped at the Roseville Library where they recently added a Dunn Brothers coffee shop. Love that library, she said. Sipping a latte. She watched the coffee roaster spinning round and round, trying to catch up with what was happening to her. When the library opened, she beeline toward a terminal. After the subject keywords, she typed and entered Eastland. Nothing displayed other than a page of authors with the last name of East Moon. Next she tried shipping disasters which had some promising results. Rifling through the stacks, she found books with titles such as Great Ships of the Great Lakes and learned of many shipping disasters, such as the Lady Elgin whose name popped up in multiple places. Zara thumbed through the most recent book, written in 1973, which devoted three sentences to the Eastland disaster. Frustrated, she left the library and drove a mile down the road to CompUSA, where she plunked down $1,100 for a new compact PC State of the Art 350 MHz, 128 RAM, 20 GB hard drive and 32X CD ROM.

Natalie:

Upon returning to her apartment, she spent Saturday afternoon setting it up and getting the modem to connect. After multiple calls to tech support, everything was working for the moment. Ellie wouldn't return till late Sunday and while Zara couldn't wait to speak with her, she also didn't want to inundate her. Ellie would be drained after working all week in New York City. Still, zara left a message on Ellie's machine saying Welcome back. Have we got to talk? See you soon.

Natalie:

Zara's phone rang at 6 AM on Monday. Z-girl said the chirpy voice on the other end, ellie, when did you get back? Oh please, said Ellie. I should have known better than have Miss Mary book the flight. The plane wasn't there and no one seemed to know where to find it. What did she book you on, vanguard? Apparently they only own seven planes, so I can see how easy it would be to misplace one.

Natalie:

I made a stink and finally got put on a plane, but I had to get to Minneapolis via Charlotte and maybe Atlanta. I lost track. Nothing like an unexpected chore of the Southeastern United States. I got in at about 2 AM and was so wired I couldn't sleep. I almost called you. As much as I love traveling, I hated being gone so long.

Natalie:

Thanks for taking care of Giovanni and Anna Mignani. No problem, I consider them my step-cats. You know, I tell you what. I have to run some errands and should be done around 11.30. God knows, I want a delay getting into the office. Why don't we meet for lunch at the Taste of Thailand first? Wellie, there you are, scream Zara, running over to the dark-cared woman seated at the small table for two. The Taste of Thailand, housed in a former happy chef restaurant on the bustling and heavily trafficked Blindale Avenue, was their favorite lunch spot.

Natalie:

Eleanor de Angelo epitomized Zoftik dark, boisterous and buxom, impeccably attired with matching crimson lipstick, nails, dress and heels. Ellie resembled Connie Francis, to whom she claimed to be a distant relative. With minimal makeup, spiked blonde hair, swimmers, build high-top tennis shoes and cargo pants, zara contrasted strikingly with Ellie, so much so that Ellie, just five years older, was sometimes mistaken for Zara's mother. Once, when they were out, the server asked Ellie what her daughter would have. Without missing a beat, ellie said I surely temple from my little girl. Although mismatched on the surface, the two were otherwise simpatico.

Natalie:

Zara once told Ellie Whatever I've lacked in romantic relationships, I've had great friends, especially you, ellie concurred. I'm so off man. I used to wish I could somehow be a lesbian, but after listening to your tales of woe I thought it's no better way. You are, but I sure love having you as my friend". They hugged and discussed Ellie's trip.

Natalie:

"'it went well', said Ellie. "'how could it not, ellie? I mean, you're the best stand-up trainer we have. I just love you', said Zara. "'yeah', said Ellie, sighing.

Natalie:

"'what's the matter, zara' "'I'm anxious about our company. I think they're playing fast and loose with the books again. Christ, I should have stayed independent and not given into Stevie's begging me to work for them, and I feel responsible for dragging you in'. "'hey, I'm a big girl', said Zara. "'well, I'm not surprised by those lowlifes. In fact, I'm convinced they have made a pact with Satan'. "'but they're all born again, speaking in tongues Believers', said Ellie with a wink. "'that's another thing. Why is Stevie hiring so many people from his dad's mega-church? None of them have any real qualifications for anything except selling herbal-glower whatever that's called. Isn't that illegal'? Why would that be any different from the other sleazy stuff they get into? If we wrote a book about this outfit, no one would believe it' said Zara, rocking back and forth on her chair, reading the Chinese horoscopes on the placemat.

Natalie:

"'that's for sure', said Ellie, inspecting her newly-arrived order of drunken noodles. "'this is the only company where management has prayer meetings in the morning and spends the afternoon locked in their offices viewing corn on the net', said Ellie. Then there was that incident with Stevie and his former secretary. How do you think we ended up with Stevie's mother as the receptionist'. "'well, I think the PTL Club set a precedent along those lines', said Zara drinking her ginseng tea.

Natalie:

"'yish, this stuff is horrible and I don't care how damn healthy it's supposed to be. I would like to order some plum wine. Care to join me'. "'isn't there some kind of company rule that you can't drink during business hours' said Ellie. "'that's right, you can spend hours looking at porn, but no drinking'. "'hell, russ, stevie and Bjorn are probably locked in their offices doing God knows what' said Zara. "'true enough' said Ellie, flag down the wait person and let's get a carafe.

Natalie:

"'now you're talking' said Zara. "'tell me your news. What have you been up to? I feel like I was gone for a year, not a week. "'whew, I'm always relieved when these seminars are over, even if they're in New York, too tired to have fun at night.

Natalie:

"'so who are you dating this week' said Ellie. "'well, I was seeing those three women not all at once, mind you but I'm not seeing anyone now' said Zara. "'what is going on' said Ellie. "'i've never known you not to have someone. You've always said it was always good to have a few ions in the fire' "'Words to live by' said Zara, but not now.

Natalie:

"'i'm working on something and it's taking a lot of time and energy'. "'what Another woman' said Ellie. "'in a way' said Zara. "'tell me', said Ellie. "'i promise I will, but not yet' said Zara. "'it's kind of weird. "'i will hold you to that. I want to meet your mystery woman' said Ellie. "'me too' said Zara. "'huh' said Ellie. "'i'll explain later', said Zara' hey, that's it for this episode and thanks for coming along for the ride. Please subscribe or follow so you can keep up with all the episodes. For more information, please go to my website, that's wwwflowerintherivercom, and I'll have that and more information in the show notes. I hope you consider buying my book, because I owe people money and I'm just kidding about that. But the one thing I'm not kidding about is that this podcast and my book are dedicated to the memory of the 844 who died on the Eastland. Goodbye for now".

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