Portal Quandary: Phoenaxis
Episode 1 - For Whom The Wedding Bells Toll
Nathan/Fiero: Portal Quandary has some content warnings that can be found in the episode description.
Theme Song: *rock music plays*
Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Welcome to Portal Quandary. Portal Quandary is a Dungeons and Dragons real-play podcast. Our story follows four fantasy characters as they get portalled away to the modern world. If you’ve never listened to a Dungeons and Dragons podcast here’s all you need to know. So decisions are made and problems are overcome using a twenty sided dice also known as a D20. We use a bunch of other dice as well such as a D4, a D6, a D8, a D10, and a D12. Our story begins in the world of Phoenaxis in the half-elf city of Aubade. And welcome to the first episode of Portal Quandary. I’m Tyrone, I’m your dungeon master. I’m about to introduce everyone around the room. I’m gonna start with Afra. Hi Afra.
Afra/Milo: Hey, I’m Afra, I’m playing as… well my character is Milo. He is a dragonborn ranger and he is very big and dumb and a himbo and I love him. So, that’s him. Everyone’s gonna love him.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I have to keep remembering his name is not My-lo, it’s Mee-lo.
Afra/Milo: It can be either.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Moving on to Nick
Nick/Lin-Dare: My name is Nick, I play the single mother of ten, mum paladin Lin-Dare who is a dragonborn, a frost dragonborn. She hates undead with a passion and she also loves looking after the party.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: When you say looking after the party, I’m picturing she loves playing host.
Afra/Milo: She’s going around giving everyone chips.
Nick/Lin-Dare: She would
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Moving around to Liv. Hi Liv.
Liv/Elixia: Hi I’m Liv and I play Elixia. She’s the Sasuke of the group because she doesn’t need friends, they disappoint her. She’s a half-elf who was abandoned by her elven father and her human mother dies very young. She grew up on the streets and has a hatred for the world. So, she’s very fun.
Nathan/Fiero: Hi, I’m Nathan. So, I’m playing Fiero. He’s your typical spicy fire wizard. Always trying to learn new things, probably just followed by his cat, Tabasco. It’s a great name.
*bell tolls*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, if we may remember, we are in our land of Phoenaxis, in the city of Aubade. Where we find ourselves today is the cathedral of the castle of the prince, because surprise surprise, the prince is getting married today. Who is the prince getting married to? It’s one of Lin-Dare’s sons.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Lucas?
Liv/Elixia: Or Lu-Kass.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Lu-Kass. Yep.
Liv/Elixia: Ja-son De-rulo.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alrighty, so Prince Barthelomey is getting married to Lucas. Lin-Dare’s probably 7th child.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Yeah, yeah, number seven.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And of course the first person to arrive at the scene would be Lin-dare. She’s probably been there for 10 hours.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Yeah, she’s been there for like 10 plus hours. She hasn’t slept, that’s okay. She’s got dark circles under her eyes. She’s, you know, some of her scales have like peeled off out of stress, but she’s good.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: God.
Afra/Milo: Damn, she’s going through it.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alrighty, so you have your little wedding helper from the castle - let’s call him Markus - to whisper in your ear,
Tyrone/MARKUS: Sorry Lin-are but the prince hasn’t arrived yet.
Nick/Lin-Dare:That’s okay, can you find him?
Tyrone/MARKUS: Um they’re-
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I realised I’m whispering and you can’t hear me.
Tyrone/MARKUS: They haven’t entered the city yet. Their… What do you call it? Their litter? Their litter hasn’t entered the city yet.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That little thing that like the people carry?
Liv/Elixia: Yeah it’s the litter, yeah.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Like Jabba the Hutt?
Liv/Elixia: Yeah it’s a litter, yeah.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Yeah just like, it’s fine, we’ll just wait. Is everything else done?
Tyrone/MARKUS: Yes, we’ve just got the florist putting up the final bouquets in the arch now.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Are they lilac and blue? Like I wanted?
Tyrone/MARKUS: Yes, yes.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Okay, then we’re good. I’m just gonna go off and do something else because there’s nothing that needs my attention right now.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alrighty, and the first guest to arrive I think would be Milo, I’m suspecting.
Afra/Milo: Okay, yeah, yeah, he’ll be early. Is anyone else there? Or is he just by himself?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I think a few people have arrived. You’re the first of the four people here. It’s probably half-filled, I’d say. And you’ve got Markus. Markus is at the front being like,
Tyrone/MARKUS: Mm are you on the guest list?
Afra/Milo: Yeah, I’m a friend of one of the grooms, so.
Tyrone/MARKUS: Which groom?
Afra/Milo: The not-prince one. Look, not sure. I go way back with his mum though.
Tyrone/MARKUS: Mm, I’ve got the mother of the groom right here. If you just wait right here, I’ll go and get her.
Afra/Milo: If she’s super stressed, that’s her.
Tyrone/MARKUS: Lin-Dare, we’ve got a guest at the door that says you guys go way back. But she doesn’t seem to know the name of the groom. Can you just come and confirm the identity that would be amazing. You know how important security is at this castle.
Nick/Lin-Dare: What race is Markus? Is he short?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Uh, no. He’s a half elf. This is a half-elf city, a half-elf kingdom.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Can I look past him, over at the door, and just be like,
Afra/Milo: Milo’s gonna be like, Hey!
Nick/Lin-Dare: They’re a dragonborn. I’m sure they’re one of my extended family.
Afra/Milo: That’s my cousin.
Nick/Lin-Dare: That’s my third cousin from my sister-in-law.
Tyrone/MARKUS: It looks like he’s very eager to talk to you. I’ll leave you two to it, I think.
Nick/Lin-Dare: I’m too busy, you can talk to him.
Tyrone/MARKUS: Lin-Dare said she’s too busy to talk to you.
Afra/Milo: Okay, I’ll just find the bar, I guess?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s an icon. Fiero, I feel, would probably be next.
Nathan/Fiero: Okay. So, I’ll rock up at the wedding.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s probably, like, 90 percent full now. I reckon you’ll rock up pretty late.
Nathan/Fiero: I didn’t want to rock up at all, but I’m here, but I’m here.
Tyrone/MARKUS: Are you on the guest list, sir?
Nathan/Fiero: Unfortunately, unfortunately I am.
Liv/Elixia: Wow.
Tyrone/MARKUS: Under which grooms’ list would you be on?
Nathan/Fiero: I think his name was Lu-Kass.
Tyrone/MARKUS: Lu-Kass, yes yes yes. Yeah, you can just come right on in. What did you say your name was, sir?
Nathan/Fiero: Vel, but they know me as Fiero. I told them my name was once Vel. It’s Fiero.
Tyrone/MARKUS: Is the cat here on the guest list as well? You know we have had some druids try and sneak in as cats before.
Nathan/Fiero: You see a cat? I don’t see a cat. Do you see a cat?
Tyrone/MARKUS: Sir, what? Are you gonna slide me some money or…
Nathan/Fiero: I’m going to shake his hand and then also singe it a little bit.
Liv/Elixia: Woah
Afra/Milo: Damn. You’re getting violent this time.
Nathan/Fiero: It’s a gentle persuasion to ignore the cat.
Liv/Elixia: There’s no cat. There’s a no pet’s policy.
Nathan/Fiero:: I don’t see a cat, did you… I don’t see a cat.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s like when your landlord comes to inspect your place but you definitely don’t have cats.
Liv/Elixia: Been there.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alrighty, are you gonna head on in? Anywhere in particular? We’ve got Milo going to the bar.
Nathan/Fiero: I’m gonna stand as close to the back left. I don’t wanna be around people.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Last but not least we have Elixia. You’re probably the last guest, let’s be honest.
Liv/Elixia: Yeah. I was bored. I remembered that we were invited to this shindig like a while back, and I was like ‘There’s always rich people at weddings. Like, what better way to then score some marks. So I was like, I’ve got time, I’ll head on over.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re gonna see Markus up at the podium and you’re like,
Tyrone/MARKUS: Name?
Liv/Elixia: Elixia.
Tyrone/MARKUS: Mm, yes, and which grooms’ list are you on?
Liv/Elixia: The dragon one.
Afra/Milo: A bit of an iffy one.
Tyrone/MARKUS: You’re right yeah, you’re good. It’s, uh, Lu-Kass?
Liv/Elixia: Yeah, yeah, Lu-Kass.
Tyrone/MARKUS: You’re actually our last guest this evening, and only half an hour late.
Liv/Elixia: Yeah, I mean, what better way to make an entrance than show up half an hour late.
Tyrone/MARKUS: Well, uh, if you get seated shortly, I just need to follow up, I have yet to hear anything from either of the grooms.
Liv/Elixia: That’s fine, I’ll wait. And then once he walks off, I’m just gonna go in.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And like mingle?
Liv/Elixia: Nah, I’m just gonna slink in between guests, looking at who has the shiniest jewellery, who has the most quaffed hair. Things like that. Who looks like they deserve to lose a few gold. I’m looking out for those. Then I just kinda blend into the shadows in the back, maybe hiding behind like a bouquet of flowers, that is honestly too ornate and too gaudy, but you know, that family’s obviously splurged.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Can we get Lin-Dare to roll a wisdom saving throw, please.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Okay, I’m proficient in that, so that’s good.
*rolls die*
Nick/Lin-Dare: It’s a 23.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: 23. As you look around the room, you’re going to see Milo and Elixia and Fiero, and you’re gonna remember them, despite your somewhat older age and despite the stress-
Nick/Lin-Dare: Excuse me.
Nathan/Fiero: She looks tired.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Yeah, she’s just shedding. Like, malting her lizard skin.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, so you remember the one adventure you went on where you saved the kingdom from its family curse, before parting ways. Do you want to go up to them at all?
Nick/Lin-Dare: She’s not got time. She’s like, I can talk to them after. Like, there’s plenty of time.
Liv/Elixia: The prince is missing.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Markus is going to come up to you and be like,
Tyrone/MARKUS: Lin-Dare, there’s um, there’s a slight problem.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Yes?
Tyrone/MARKUS: So, we’ve discovered that the reason that the prince’s litter hasn’t arrived is because there’s a commotion, you might say, happening over at the Sun Temple.
Nick/Lin-Dare: And are we doing anything? I'm going, goodbye. I’ll see you later. She’s gonna pat him on the head and say like ‘you take care of things, I trust you. But I'm gonna go sort out the commotion’.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alrighty, I’m gonna get everybody at this point to roll me a perception check.
*rolls die*
Nathan/Fiero: 11
*rolls die*
Nick/Lin-Dare: I got a 10. Uh, 11, sorry.
*rolls die*
Liv/Elixia: I got a 7.
*rolls die*
Afra/Milo: Bro, am I the only one that's gonna know what's going on? I rolled 15.
Liv/Elixia: How is Milo the one that knows stuff?
Afra/Milo: Eh, well. Sometimes you just gotta be dumb to know what’s going on.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Milo’s gonna notice Lin-dare, who’s already stressed as fuck, honestly, but you see that she’s getting into her armour, basically. Were you in your armour?
Nick/Lin-Dare: Yeah, it’s under her wedding get-up. She’s torn off her dress. She’s like, I can get another one.
Nathan/Fiero: It’s a pure white dress.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She wore white to a wedding?
Liv/Elixia: She would.
Afra/Milo: I mean, there’s no bride.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I guess. You see that she’s torn off her dress and is going outside, flail ready to go.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Full plate armour.
Afra/Milo: ‘Cause he’s already in the seats, you know trying to like, ‘scuse me, ‘scuse me, gotta figure out what’s going on over there. Squeezes through, goes up to check out what she’s doing. ‘Everything alright, what’s going on, when’s this gonna start?’
Nick/Lin-Dare: Uh, uh, there’s a commotion at the chapel. The prince is not here. She’s like gonna grab her by the hand like, you’re coming with me. She’s like, come on, dear.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, as you I guess you kinda push open the chapel doors. At the top of a hill somewhat at the back of the city, in the very centre of the city is the Sun Temple, that is currently having the commotion. So essentially it’s got a large magnifying glass that basically covers the entire dome of the Sun Temple, and then that concentrates the sunlight into another magnifying glass, and then another magnifying glass.
Liv/Elixia: Imagine all the ants you could burn with that.
Afra/Milo: You could burn a royal with it.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Maybe they could do executions there.
Afra/Milo: Oh shit.
Liv/Elixia: Or like sacrifices to the Sun gods.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: But that doesn’t matter because at the moment there’s a very tall, large building that’s seemingly come from the sky and crashed into the centre of the Sun Temple.
Liv/Elixia: Sure is a commotion.
Afra/Milo: That could probably be the commotion. Maybe. I think maybe we should figure out what’s going on over there.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fiero, you’re gonna hear the archbishop of the Sun Temple. You hear her voice come into your mind. She’s like, I don’t know what you’re doing down there at the moment but you better get your fucking fiery ass over here now.
Nathan/Fiero: Okay, I guess I’ll be in the pews, just closing my eyes trying to shut everyone else out, and suddenly open my eyes and realise, oh shit, oh oh crap, oh oh oh spicy poop. My books! My books! Something’s up! I think someone’s trying to burn all my books, and so I’m going to brush just past all the people in the pews, just flailing my coat and my cloak into their faces. They leave with smudge marks on their faces, because I’m covered in soot. And then, I suppose I would see Lin-Dare picking up Milo and saying ‘take me with you, you have two arms, take me with you’.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Yeah sure, can I scoop up-
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Milo is very large.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Well, I’m like dragging Milo, it’s kinda of like, come on let’s go.
Nathan/Fiero: Milo can grab me while Linda’s grabbing Milo.
Afra/Milo: We’re all grabbing each other.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Tabasco is going to brush up against Elixia as well, who I believe is a fire cat?
Liv/Elixia: Yes.
Afra/Milo: You burn her legs.
Nathan/Fiero: He’s a Ponyta fire cat. So if he knows you, you’re not burnt. It’s a warm feeling.
Liv/Elixia: Well, I’m like in the commotion at chapel; everyone’s running out to try and see what just crashed into the temple in the middle of the city. I’m like, there’s nothing better to try and rob people than something that distracts people. So I’m picking and choosing out of pockets, left and right.
Nathan/Fiero: I’m going to say that Tobasco is shining such a bright light on Elixia, and such a bright light that I will see, oh wait, Elixia, my books!
Liv/Elixia: And I’m like, why would I care? And then I think I feel a dragon hand wrap around me, and Milo’s like, come on buddy!
Afra/Milo: I’ll pick you up as well!
Liv/Elixia: And I feel myself hoisted onto his shoulders, hanging onto his big ears.
Afra/Milo: Big ears?
Liv/Elixia: Yeah! Doesn’t he have dragon horn ear things? I’m hanging onto them. Horns. Okay. I’m hanging onto them for dear life as the four of us run through the city.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: This is very cartoonish at the moment. Like, Lin-Dare at the front, you’ve got Milo holding on in the corner, and then-
Afra/Milo: Lin-Dare one hand, Elixia on my shoulder.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master:Then does Tabasco run on your shoulders.
Afra/Milo: Yeah, yeah!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, as you guys are running down, you’re gonna see-
Nathan/Fiero: Only one of us is running.
Liv/Elixia: I’m like yelling, with more and more-
Nick/Lin-Dare: You could be dragging on the street, and she would be like ‘nah, let’s go’, although she is like ‘everyone keep breathing come on’.
Liv/Elixia: I’m yelling with more and more rage of just like ‘Milo no, Milo stop, Milo put me down, Milo absolutely not put me down right now, I’m gonna count to three. I’m gonna count to three!’
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: All of you as you’re running down this hill from the castle towards the temple, you’ll see this very large, sort of purple portal open up in the sky and it’s going to drop down all of these sort of mechanical looking shapes of like cubes and spheres and pyramids. 50 to 100 of them are going to fall from the sky to the area of the Sun Temple.
Liv/Elixia: Do they crush anyone?
Afra/Milo: Yeah? Do people die? This is grim.
Nathan/Fiero: How big are they?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The creatures are about the size of a minifridge.
Afra/Milo: Okay. Wait, the creatures?
Nick/Lin-Dare: What creatures?
Liv/Elixia: I thought they were just objects.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: They’re like mechanical creatures.
Liv/Elixia: Robots?
Nick/Lin-Dare: Automotons.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Kind roboty. They’re basically like cubes with tiny little arms and legs.
Afra/Milo: Okay, well. What the fuck?
Liv/Elixia: Hate that.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s still in the distance a little bit, ‘cause they’ve fallen over the top of the sun temple. So I suppose when you get to the sun temple, there’s gonna be a lot of commotion, there’s gonna be a lot of mages trying to get together, trying to like, you can see them bucket-loads trying to get the books out. And there’s the more military-style ones are all sort of around the centre. It’s kinda of like a colosseum sort of structure I’d say, where there’s a circular structure, and there’s big circular courtyard in the middle, and there’s all the mages around there.
Liv/Elixia:And they're stressing! Should we investigate what’s going on?
Nathan/Fiero: I’ll shout out, saying, since I know them, they’re my peeps, ‘Save all the books! What’s going on?’ I’m going to jump out of Milo’s arms. As much as I love being in Milo’s arms, I'm going to jump out of Milo’s arms and start rushing over to help the other wizards and mages try to save all the books.
Nick/Lin-Dare: I guess Lin-Dare will go and like ‘is anyone under debris’ She’ll heft the debris off them.
Liv/Elixia: Nah, I’m gonna backflip off you, and be like ‘Don’t ever do that again’.
Afra/Milo: I thought you wanted to help.
Liv/Elixia: I did not. Where the hell are we?
Afra/Milo: I don’t know. I’ve never been here. What are these things?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Archbitchop Rayna.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Archbitchop.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Archbishop Rayna is gonna rock up to Fiero. She’s gonna be like,
Tyrone/Archbishop Rayna: Fiero! We need your ass in there now! There’s an unknown object in the middle and we need you and your team to investigate it immediately. Your buddies! I saw you rock up with them.
Nathan/Fiero: What can Tabasco do?
Liv/Elixia: What can’t he do?
Tyrone/Archbishop Rayna: Stay away from the books, is what Tabasco can do. We’ve had too many incidents here.
Nathan/Fiero: What? Where? Point me towards the direction of this giant object.
Liv/Elixia: The obvious giant object.
Nathan/Fiero: Well, there’s a ton of objects, right?
Liv/Elixia: No, but the rest are the size of minifridges, and that one’s the size of obviously a big fridge.
Nathan/Fiero: So like jaws 2, big fridge. The Rerefrigining? The Refrigerator?!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: There's the 12-storey structure, there’s all these little creatures running around, about the size of minifridges, and she points in the direction to an object about the size of a drink bottle in the middle.
Liv/Elixia: Oh.
Nathan/Fiero: A tiny one.
Liv/Elixia: Small.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Upon closer inspection, it’s called an orrery, I think I’m saying that right, the little mechanical structure with all the planets and gears and stuff.
Liv/Elixia: Yeah.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So she’s gonna point at that and be like we don’t know what that is.
Nathan/Fiero: We don’t know what that is. I want to cast a cantrip
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes.
Nathan/Fiero: I want to throw a fireball at it. I want to throw a fireball at it because it’s ruining my thing, and I don’t like it.
Liv/Elixia: You get a weird vibe.
Nathan/Fiero: I don’t like it!
Afra/Milo: Why are you throwing a fireball in a room which is already burning and has the books that you’re so scared of being destroyed?
Liv/Elixia: He likes to live on the edge.
Nathan/Fiero: I think. I think I can control it. Guys, you’ve gotta trust me. I wanna destroy the orrery with a fireball ‘cause how dare it come into my house.
Liv/Elixia: It’s not even your house, it’s a temple.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What does the spell say? It should have a damage amount on it.
Nathan/Fiero: It’s a 1D10 fire damage.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s a lot for a cantrip.
Nathan/Fiero: I don’t make the rules. I’m only learning them now. 1D10?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, so roll a D10.
Nick/Lin-Dare: To be fair, Eldritch Blast does a lot of damage for a cantrip.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I think it's 1d12?
Nick/Lin-Dare: Yeah, for a warlock.
*rolls die*
Nathan/Fiero: 7. It’s a good fireball. Lemme knock out at least three of the planets in this orrery.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You take out Jupiter.
Nathan/Fiero: Jupiter? I don’t even know her.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Are you assuming that we have the same planets? Is it like, do we have Mars and Jupiter and that?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh true. I didn’t think of that.
Liv/Elixia: We have two moons already. I feel like things are slightly different.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, we have two suns, not two moons. One moon.
Nathan/Fiero: Question, is it flammable?
Liv/Elixia: I do enjoy that you decided to not ask first before firing off your spell. You fired the fireball spell and then asked is it flammable.
Nathan/Fiero: I wanna know how fiery it can get.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: None of this matters because as the fire arcs towards the mysterious object, it's gonna make contact with something first, you’re just gonna hear this very loud OW.
Liv/Elixia: Oh shit.
Nathan/Fiero: Okay, is this OW flammable
*laughs*
Nathan/Fiero: BECAUSE because if it is flammable, it’s going to light on fire, it’s going to ignite. I don’t make the rules.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So what you’re going to see, now that it’s taken damage, you're going to see this very tan looking creature with sort of clothes made out of leaves and flowers and vines, and he’s going to have his wings that are currently now on fire, and a beautiful sort of moth wings.
Liv/Elixia: Why would you…
Nathan/Fiero: Like moth to a flame, get out of my house.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s a moth and a fucking magnifying glass
Nathan/Fiero: Get out of my house. Okay. Alright, so, it’s on fire.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, you know what? He’s gonna say ‘fuck you’, and we’re gonna get everyone to roll initiative.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Are we all here? Close enough to him?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Depending on what you wanna do. You can join in or not.
Nick/Lin-Dare: She’s been going in and out, carrying people.
*rolls dice*
Afra/Milo: 23.
Liv/Elixia: 1.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You rolled a 1?
Liv/Elixia: Yeah.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s an automatic fail. What have you got? 19 plus 5?
Liv/Elixia: No, I've got 20 plus 3.
Nathan/Fiero: Nat 20?
Nick/Lin-Dare: Oh no, you get a surprise round!
Liv/Elixia: What does that mean?
*rolls dice*
Nick/Lin-Dare: I got a 13.
Nathan/Fiero: I’m on 21.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Normal DND rules is basically that you're gonna go from whoever rolled the highest all the way to whoever rolled the lowest. But, I’m trying something new. Which is fine, because you know you haven’t learned it yet, so you don’t have to learn it,
Liv/Elixia: This is our first time playing, yes.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Basically because you guys rolled an average higher than what my little moth man rolled, it’s sorta going to be a bit more fluid than that. So, each of your gets a movement, each of you gets a standard action, either to attack or do something big, and sometimes you might have a bonus action to do something little like take a potion, like-
Nick/Lin-Dare: Are you giving everyone a bonus action or does it have to be a…
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: We’ll give everyone a bonus action. We’re gonna make it a house rule right here and now, because it was good in Pathfinder and why would we take it away, there are different types of playing. So, basically you guys don't have to go in the order that you rolled, you guys can be like I wanna do this, and then you can be like I wanna do this, and then you come back to do the rest of your time
Liv/Elixia: Okay has he said anything to provoke us or… because I feel kinda bad stabbing a guy who we just set on fire unprovoked.
Nathan/Fiero: Unprovoked? My house is on fire. Unprovoked.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, let’s set the scene first. So obviously we’ve thrown a fireball out. Who do Elixia and Milo follow?
Liv/Elixia: I wanna go check out, I’m checking out the weird minifridge things and I just wanna like stab them just to like, not to kill them but to just see if, poke them with my rapier.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: They’re made out of the strongest metal you’ve ever found.
Liv/Elixia: Okay, so it doesn’t work.
Nick/Lin-Dare: She’s gonna break her rapier.
Liv/Elixia: No it does not, my rapier is fucking iconic it does not get broken. Not it does not, no it does not, I poked it lightly and I’m like, okay.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Does it react to being poked?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s kinda just like kudfhgkd.
Liv/Elixia: Okay, then I’m walking away and going to back to Fiero where he’s just throwing a fireball.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Did Milo follow?
Afra/Milo: Yeah, I guess he was in the area. Saw this happen and was like ‘fuck’. I feel like I go and help the man put the fire out.
Liv/Elixia: Yeah you start blowing on his wings, and he’s like ‘no, you idiot!’
Afra/Milo: I start patting him on the back, like oh shit oh shit!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What about Lin-Dare? I think on one of your runs in to get people out you might’ve seen what is happening in the middle.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Yeah, I probably would have. She would’ve seen him on fire like oh, she would’ve tried to help him. Can I just breathe frost on him but not lethal frost?
Liv/Elixia: Just light frost.
Nathan/Fiero: Why would you put him out?
Liv/Elixia: Because we don’t know him!
Nathan/Fiero: It’s not good!
Afra/Milo: I wanna question him.
Liv/Elixia: I wanna question him as well. I wanna see if he has anything of value.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: As you’re gonna approach him, you can see him sort of charging up this ball of light in between his hands.
Liv/Elixia: Now you’ve done it, Fiero.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Can I breathe non-lethal frost onto him? Enough to cool him off, not to hurt him. I’m not trying to freeze him or anything, I just wanna make him cold enough to put out the fire.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll the damage first.
Nick/Lin-Dare: He does get a save.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What’s the save?
Nick/Lin-Dare: It’s a constitution saving throw. And DC is 12. He takes half damage if he fails it, oh if he succeeds.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll for damage. I’m not gonna tell you if he succeeded or not.
*rolls die*
Nick/Lin-Dare: It’s 8.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, you can see that the fire has definitely gone out, and he’s sort of got a little light bit of frost that you might see on a nice wintery morning.
Nick/Lin-Dare: I’ll be like, ‘are you okay dear? Do you need anything?’
Tyrone/Moth Man: Stand back! There’s some evil wizard over there that’s attacking me for no reason whatsoever.
Afra/Milo: Well, we didn’t know he was there.
Nathan/Fiero: Hey, for all intents and purposes alright, he was in the way.
Tyrone/Moth Man: In the way of what?
Nathan/Fiero: If I throw fireballs in this direction and you just happen to be in the way, it’s your own fault.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s gonna launch this ball of light towards you, it’s almost like a solar beam.
Nathan/Fiero: Are you saying it’s made of fire?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s made of light. Yep, make a constitution saving throw.
*rolls dice*
Nathan/Fiero: Plus 2. It is a good 9.
Liv/Elixia: You got vaporised in front of us.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Take just 2 damage.
Nathan/Fiero: I have 8.
Nick/Lin-Dare: You’re squishy.
Nathan/Fiero: I’m down to 6. Lin-Dare, now do you wanna talk to this person? She just hurt your friend.
Liv/Elixia: Are we friends? I think you guys are co-workers at best. I don’t even like you.
Afra/Milo: Well, you’re in this now.
Nathan/Fiero: Alright, co-workers, hostile work environment, we’ve got a disgruntled customer in front of us.
Afra/Milo: Can I grab him and shake him?
Nathan/Fiero: Can I do my action, though? I haven’t done my action.
Liv/Elixia: You’ve done enough.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What’s your action?
Nathan/Fiero: Okay, so, first, I want to move towards him after he shoots. What I'm gonna say is 25 percent of my hit points.
Liv/Elixia: Good god man.
Tyrone/Moth Man: Stay back!
Nathan/Fiero: Is there any fire left on him?
Nick/Lin-Dare: Nah, Lin-Dare froze it all away.
Nathan/Fiero: So, I want to do my, cause one: I'm pissed; two double pissed that there’s no fire on him because I was gonna control the flames and just get inside him.
Afra/Milo: Oh, my god.
Nathan/Fiero: I’ve got a cantrip which is Control Flames and I would've made it go inside him.
Liv/Elixia: Why would you do this?
Nathan/Fiero: You mess with the home, you get the pitbull.
Liv/Elixia: Why wouldn't you just, I don't know, just save your books Fiero? Why did you set the small tiny thing on fire.
Nathan/Fiero: He got in the way. And number two, I'm gonna grab him by the neck and do Burning Hands.
Liv/Elixia: What the fuck?
Tyrone/Moth Man: Um, like you guys know him, you gonna be friends with him?
Liv/Elixia: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, we are not friends. I don't have friends.
Nathan/Fiero: We’re coworkers.
Liv/Elixia: We’re not coworkers. I don’t even like you. We were on one mission together and then I left you behind anyway.
Nathan/Fiero: Okay, we’ve digressed from coworkers.
Nick/Lin-Dare: She was never there.
Liv/Elixia: Exactly. I wish I was never there. Because then I wouldn't be here.
Tyrone/Moth Man: Yeah I can tell you guys aren’t friends at all. Oh my God.
Nathan/Fiero: Can I cast my Burning Hands on him?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, roll for damage.
INathan/Fiero: It’s a 3d6.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: 3d6 at first level?
*roll dice*
Nathan/Fiero: 12.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: 12 points of damage! He’s gonna be at like… you know what, it actually doesn’t matter because you can see the… you look so shocked
Nathan/Fiero: What do you mean it doesn’t matter?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Because you're gonna see the damage that you did to his wings, and in fact the frost is going to melt away as he absorbs this fire damage.
Nathan/Fiero: It was a tiny bit of frost.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can almost see him start to glow.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Did he absorb the element or something?
Liv/Elixia: Oh my god. That's very cool. I'm annoyed, but it’s very cool.
Tyrone/Moth Man: You guys are gonna back off and you're gonna let me finish working on my doohickey, and then you’re gonna piss off.
Liv/Elixia: Okay let me ask you this, kinda, sir, how much is this doohickey of yours? How much is it worth?
Tyrone/Moth Man: I've never sold this, I don't plan on selling it. It is invaluable
Liv/Elixia: Theoretically, if someone were to sell it, if it fell out of your possession, how much would one get for it.
Tyrone/Moth Man: Well you see it's not going to fall out of my hands because you guys are gonna back off and I'm gonna finish working on it.
Nathan/Fiero: I think if we all attacked him with our full might, we could just kill him.
Nick/Lin-Dare: No!
Nathan/Fiero: So, if we could kill him, we could take his things and sell it.
Liv/Elixia: That's a great idea. I'm leaning more towards Fiero’s Burning Hands now.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s gonna pull out a little screwdriver and start fiddling with the doohickey.
Nathan/Fiero: Stick him with the pointy end.
Liv/Elixia: No, he’s doing something. I wanna see what it does first. I can't just go steal it and sell it if I don't know what it does.
Nick/Lin-Dare: No hostility people! Come on.
Nathan/Fiero: Your kid’s wedding is ruined.
Liv/Elixia: He set a man on fire. And now you say no hostility? Where was this when we first arrived.
Nathan/Fiero: My home is destroyed.
Liv/Elixia: Get over it. Some of us never even had a home, Fiero.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You see a little purple zap come from the doohickey.
Afra/Milo: Is it working?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And you're gonna see another portal open as a mechanical carriage just zooms in from the side of the temple.
Liv/Elixia: Can it hit Milo?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, but it does take out one of the-
Afra/Milo: The little creatures?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, I was gonna say one of the clerics.
Liv/Elixia: Oh shit! Well, no skin off my back. Clerics are not the richest people in the world.
Nathan/Fiero: So, that was my best friend,and you’re still like ‘why did he throw a fireball?’
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What was your best friend’s name?
Nathan/Fiero: Clerica the cleric.
Liv/Elixia: Convenient name. Yeah, I don't believe that.
Nathan/Fiero: How dare you dishonour Clerica?
Tyrone/Moth Man: Just pressed the wrong button, I'm sorry! Actually, I’m not sorry.
Liv/Elixia: I’m gonna pull out my rapier, hold it up, not sticking it in him, but up to him and be like ‘hurry it up with whatever is that you’re doing and do it’.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’ll see another purple zap as like a 50 metre diameter sphere of water falls from the sky.
Liv/Elixia: Jesus.
Afra/Milo: Are we in the water?
Liv/Elixia: Can I step out of the way? I'm stepping out of the way.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, it’s gonna flash and suddenly you’ll find yourself underwater, gasping. Have you ever been to the beach and a big wave splashes?
Liv/Elixia: Oh yeah, so we’re all underwater now?
Nathan/Fiero: I have one more level one spell to cast, and then I'm outta spells until I rest.
Nick/Lin-Dare: She’s a wizard.
Nathan/Fiero: So, I would like to cast my second level one spell: Absorb Elements.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Can you read me out the spell?
Nathan/Fiero: I just wanna suck all this water up.
Nick/Lin-Dare: I don't know if you can absorb 50 metres of water
Nathan/Fiero: Who says that? What if I roll a perfect D20? Unless there’s an effect on me, and storing it for my next melee attack, it’s a 1D6.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh, so you can do water elemental damage.
Nathan/Fiero: I’m just gonna water gut punch you later on.
Liv/Elixia: That’s kinda cool.
Nathan/Fiero: So, it’s 1D6. Also, the first time I'm hit with an attack on my next turn, the target takes an extra 1D6 for triggering of the triggering type, which is water.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So this is something you're preparing for later.
Nathan/Fiero: Yeah, but I'm just gonna absorb as much as I can. Alright, so what is it, 50 metres, let’s do 1 out of 6 in percentages.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sorry? Oh, yeah okay.
Nathan/Fiero: Like six is full on…
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah yeah, roll.
*rolls dice*
Nathan/Fiero: It’s a five, which is 80%. I’ve absorbed 80% of the water. He said yes.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Making me do real maths now! 80% of 50 metres…
Nathan/Fiero: Oh my God, it’s gonna make me so wet. Did I just say that?
Liv/Elixia: God’s sake.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s recorded for everyone to hear.
Nathan/Fiero: Ah dear.
Afra/Milo: Wait, you got 40 metres of water now.
Nathan/Fiero: No no, I’ve absorbed 40 metres, so there’s 10 metres of water. That's still a lot of water. Are we gonna die from it?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s just like a shallow pool of water that splashed everyone now.
Liv/Elixia: But we’re drenched. I’m so fucking annoyed because I’m wearing black leather. Do you know how heavy that is?
Nick/Lin-Dare: Oh yeah, I’m in plate armour, so I'd probably just sink.
Liv/Elixia: The chafing. Now I'm pissed. I'm gonna actually give the little guy a poke and be like ‘Alright, so what the fuck was that’
Tyrone/Moth Man: Just the wrong dimension, let me try one more time, I swear.
Liv/Elixia: Do it right this time.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’m also picturing the fact that Tabasco's a fire cat? And we just had all this water get dumped.
Afra/Milo: Is he all wet?
Liv/Elixia: He’s got like water dripping from his whiskers, like meow.
Nathan/Fiero: So he can take damage, right? He will just singe away from this elemental plane.
Liv/Elixia: If he dies, I swear to god.
Nathan/Fiero: Familiars can die.
Liv/Elixia: He better not.
Nathan/Fiero: But I do have spells to bring him back.
Liv/Elixia: Oh, thank god.
Nathan/Fiero: So if there’s water around, if it was a puddle, then obviously Tabasco’s jumped on one of our shoulders. I'm gonna say Milo’s because he’s carrying the whole team.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That is such a cute image.
Afra/Milo: Okay yep, I've got a little cat on my shoulders.
Liv/Elixia: And him rubbing up against the scales on your cheek.
Afra/Milo: I love this little guy.
Nathan/Fiero: And he’s really curled around Milo's neck.
Afra/Milo: Keeping me nice and toasty.
Nathan/Fiero: And like, hissing because of the water.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: In my head at least, the way that I pictured the spell is that it’s like fallen down, you’ve almost like swallowed it all, you kinda just like opened your mouth and like…
Nathan/Fiero: I can swallow. If that’s what you’re wondering, I can swallow.
Liv/Elixia: What that throat do?
Nathan/Fiero: Okay number one, it's through my hands because i'm about to gut punch the clock guy.
Liv/Elixia: What if your arms were just like water balloons?
Nathan/Fiero: It’s like Popeye, so now I've got giant inflated arms.
Afra/Milo: Are you gonna punch him?
Nathan/Fiero: In that case right, Milo if you wanna just cover Tabasco cause I love you.
Afra/Milo: Yeah I got him, don’t worry. I'm protecting the cat.
Nathan/Fiero: He’s alive.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are you punching him?
Nathan/Fiero: That’s my next melee attack.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fair. Would anyone like to do anything?
Liv/Elixia: I’m still waiting for him to like do something good.
Afra/Milo: Yeah, fix this shit.
Tyrone/Moth Man: Okay I just press this here and poke that button there.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And then as he presses it, you’re gonna see about 50 to 100 portals open in the sky, and they're gonna sort of feel this gravitational pull into the closest portal to you
Liv/Elixia: I'm holding onto Tabasco. As I am pulled into this portal, I look at all three of them and I glare and then I look specifically at Milo and say ‘this is all your fault’.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: As if you can blame anything on Milo
Liv/Elixia: I will blame everything on Milo.
Afra/Milo: He doesn't know what you're glaring at him for. He's like, ‘huh, what ‘s happening?’
Nathan/Fiero: As I am being put into my portal, I am going to slam the ground for my melee attack and throw a rock.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Throw a rock? Where did you get this rock from?
Nathan/Fiero: The ground.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re being pulled up into the air.
Nathan/Fiero: Oh, sorry, okay. Look, the situation, like my arms, are fluid.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are you waterbending all the water out?
Nathan/Fiero: Look, he's got very long, flowy arms.
Liv/Elixia: It’s so weird!
Afra/Milo: Yuck
Nick/Lin-Dare: You’re like that waterbending lady that has no arms.
Nathan/Fiero: My… Mia… Sorry, I think that’s her name. So, I’m going to pull myself close as I can to Milo cause I just want my cat, and then I’m gonna be sucked in
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You're kinda gonna get to Tabasco before you run out of water, and then end up getting pulled back like a slingshot.
Nathan/Fiero: I've used all the water so Tabasco can jump in my arms.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: But he doesn’t.
Afra/Milo: He loves me now.
Nathan/Fiero: Milo, okay, say it correctly.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Any final words, Lin-Dare?
Liv/Elixia: Find her son.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Oh yeah! No she’s just gonna be like, just get sucked up, this is it, this is what we’re doing now.
Liv/Elixia: She’s accepted the situation.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And how about Milo and Tabasco?
Afra/Milo: Um, I'm just like, huh.
Liv/Elixia: I've got you little buddy.
Afra/Milo: I'm just like alright, here we go.
Nathan/Fiero: That’s true, cats usually love everyone but their owners.
*dramatic sting, bells can be heard in the distance*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: In good Doctor Who fashion, you find yourself in this vortex of purple and blue and orange swirling.
Liv/Elixia: Sound effects.
Afra/Milo: You’ve gotta do the Doctor Who theme.
Liv/Elixia: I don't know how it goes. I was into the Lock part of the Superwholock.
Nathan/Fiero: Not if you interpret it in your own way
Liv/Elixia: Yeah, that’s what that was.
*Singing Doctor Who to the tune of the Game of Thrones theme song, performed by Liv and Nathan*
Liv/Elixia: I think you’re a little bit off.
*Doctor Who Riff continues*
Liv/Elixia: It’s a great song.
Afra/Milo: It’s really good.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Everybody roll me a D4
*rolls die*
Nick/Lin-Dare: 2.
*rolls die*
Nathan/Fiero: I’ve got a 1
*rolls die*
Afra/Milo: 4.
*rolls die*
Liv/Elixia: 2.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Nick and Liv, roll again.
*rolls dice*
Nick/Lin-Dare: 1.
Liv/Elixia: 2.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s gonna be Fiero, and then Lin-Dare, and then Elixia, and then Milo last.
Nathan/Fiero: I don't say this often but I love coming first.
Liv/Elixia: Oh for god's sake.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fiero, when you wake, you find yourself laying down in a field in what looks to be a battle, there’s sort of two sides with-
*sounds of battle can be heard*
Nathan/Fiero: You are going to burn. You are going to burn!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: One’s dressed in predominantly blue, and then the other side opposite you seems to be predominantly red. As you look up, you kinda see a guy with a staff who’s gonna be like ‘Icy Wind’. You’re gonna see like absolutely no magic coming out but he’s like acting like it is. Hes got some streamers with a fan.
Nathan/Fiero: If I'm just waking up and seeing that, I'm actually going to go into a defensive stance to try and shield myself from it, only to realise that this person’s magic is absolutely weak ass.
*Siri interruption: Sorry I'm unable to do that.*
Nathan/Fiero: Thank you, Siri. Thank you magic wisp.
Liv/Elixia: Tabasco, when you try to reach out to him. ‘Sorry, I'm unable to do that.’
Nathan/Fiero: I start to chuckle at the very notion of this so called wizard trying to do his magic on me.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He kinda puts down his staff, like ‘Bro I got you you gotta like lay down and die now. I did 10 damage, bruh.’
I don’t understand what this damage is. And I want to ask him…
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I'm so glad you’ve run out of spells.
Liv/Elixia: Thank god.
Nathan/Fiero: I've used my two spells but I do have my cantrips, okay? So I ask him, politely ask him to hand over his wizard book, the one that contains all the spells, the same one I do right? All the wizard spells are contained in their spell books, except for their cantrips.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh, um…
Nathan/Fiero: Give me your spell book.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I mean, I can show you after, like when we're done, but not right now we’re in the middle of battle. I feel like maybe at the tent after I can show you my book, I guess.
Nathan/Fiero: I'm intrigued that you relinquish your spells so easily. I will go along with this for now but know that if you don’t, you may burst into flames
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Damn you’re really into this role playing.
Nathan/Fiero: Role play? You're damn right I am.
*laughs*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Why is Fiero so thirsty?
Nathan/Fiero: It’s ‘cause he’s flaming and he's parched so he’s thirsty. You can't ask for a fiery wizard without him being a little spicy.
Liv/Elixia: Especially if he's an elf.
Nathan/Fiero: He’s an elf. He's a twink. That's the twink race.
Liv/Elixia: It’s true. You're not wrong. It’s true.
Afra/Milo: Beautiful. Now we know.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: We’re gonna move on from that.
Nathan/Fiero: I'm going with the non-icy wizard to go back to his lair to find his spell book.
*train ambience*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Lin-Dare will open her eyes to find herself in a seat. Have you ever been in a carriage, Lin-Dare?
Nick/Lin-Dare: Uh…
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Like an enclosed carriage, I mean? It seems like you’re in one of these but more made out of metal and three times in length. And you see all these people in the other seats, they’re looking at these little rectangular magic devices.
Nick/Lin-Dare: She’s gonna look at one of them and be like, Did you mind explaining to me what that is? I’ve never seen one before.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: They’re gonna take out these little things out of her ears, like,
Tyrone/Commuter 1: What?
Nick/Lin-Dare: ‘Do you have… what is that? Do you have a mind flayer parasite in your ear?’ Can I grab it and just put it on the ground and just crush it?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Did you stomp it?
Nick/Lin-Dare: She stomps it and is like are there any more? I can get rid of them for you. You need to get those out of your system!
Tyrone/Commuter 1: What the hell woman? Those cost like 120 each.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Where did you buy a flayer parasite from? Who's selling them?
Tyrone/Commuter 1: I just wanna go to work.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Someone’s giving out flayer parasites?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She’s gonna walk to the other side of the carriage, really pissed off. From above at the top of the carriage you’re gonna hear ‘The next stop is Flinders Street Station, stopping all stations via the City Loop’.
Liv/Elixia: You’ve got that down.
Nathan/Fiero: Can I give it a shot at that?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You wanna give it a go?
Nathan/Fiero: The next station is Flinders Street. Change here for Craigieburn and Tottenham line. Have a good day.
Liv/Elixia: No no no. It’s like, the next station is Richmond. Change here for Sandringham and the City Loop.
Nathan/Fiero: Someone else go!
Afra/Milo: I'm alright.
Nathan/Fiero: Someone else go.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So you hear this voice from above the carriage saying this,
Nick/Lin-Dare: Just kinda be like, who’s that?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And everyone’s gonna look at you like ‘Isn’t it a bit early in the day to be on something, isn’t it?’
Liv/Elixia: Have a day off Susan, have a day off.
Nick/Lin-Dare: I haven’t taken any magical dust from the Wizards Shop, thank you.
Liv/Elixia: Is that what we’re calling it these days?
Nathan/Fiero: Sounds like exactly what someone who would take magical dust from the Wizard’s Shop would say.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She’s like standing by the doors, nervously waiting for the carriage to stop, like,
Tyrone/Commuter 1: Please get me off.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Did I offend you, I'm sorry just the flayer parasite it would have turned you.
Tyrone/Commuter 1: Oh it’s just, I don't need this, I've still got my 9-5 to do. I work on the weekends, you just ruined my airpods.
Nathan/Fiero: What a way to make a living.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Airpod? Is that a new type of thing the mind flayers made?
Tyrone/Commuter 1: It's not a mind flayer?
Afra/Milo: Is it new eggs? Flying eggs?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The carriage just stops and the doors have opened and she's like running. She’s sprinting.
Liv/Elixia: To be fair, if someone came up to me on the train, grabbed my earphones out of me, stamped them with their feet and was like you’re safe now, I would literally break open the windows with the emergency hammer and jump onto the tracks, doesn’t matter if we were stopped on not.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You find yourself at sort of a carriage depot and there's stairs heading up and some magic steps that are moving up on their own, and everyone’s sort of going up that way.
Nick/Lin-Dare: The wizards really outdid themselves. Magical stairs? I need this in my house. She’ll take the normal stairs because she doesn’t trust the magic stairs just yet.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fair. You’re gonna find yourself in a very open area with sort of the only ways out that you can see are little gates that are all closed.
Nick/Lin-Dare: I guess everyone’s going to the gates so I should go to one of those gates as well.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah the gate does not open for you. You can see everyone has these little cards of some kind and they're tapping them on there and the gates are opening for them, but it does not open for you.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Oh, do I go up to them and be like ‘what are these cards? What is this thing?’
Tyrone/Commuter 2: Oh the Myki? Yeah, you didn’t tap on did ya?
Nick/Lin-Dare: The Myki?
Tyrone/Commuter 2: Yeah you gotta use a Myki in Melbourne. Are you a tourist?
Nick/Lin-Dare: Myki, is that like, does it have an unlocking charm on it? Can it unlock doors for you?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are you talking to a random citizen, or are you perhaps talking to…
Nick/Lin-Dare: Well a random citizen, whoever I saw had the card
Tyrone/Commuter 2: Yeah you just tap it and it unlocks the gate for you.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Magical cards, enchantment cards!
Tyrone/Commuter 2: Yeah…
Nick/Lin-Dare: Where did I get one? Where did you buy this from?
Tyrone/Commuter 2: There’s some Myki machines just outside the gate, just like talk to the guard and he’ll probably let you through.
Nick/Lin-Dare: She's just gonna walk to the gate but she's gonna brute force it with her arm like…
Liv/Elixia: Rips it open.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Bend it the other way so it bends.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re not gonna jump over it? You're gonna try bend it?
Nick/Lin-Dare: No, she just kinda like push through with her armour and if it resists she’s gonna bend it.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You're gonna quickly hear an,
Tyrone/Myki Guard: Oi! What are you doing?
Liv/Elixia: What’s all this then?
Nick/Lin-Dare: I'm going to get the enchantment card.
Tyrone/Myki Guard: Fucking tourist. Just come this way, I’ll let you through, just don’t fucking break the gate.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Oh I didn't mean to break your gate, but the enchantment card, do they have any other types?
Tyrone/Myki Guard: Um, nah, just Myki cards, unless you got concession, but…
Nick/Lin-Dare: The concession, what’s that spell?
Tyrone/Myki Guard: What?
Nick/Lin-Dare: What does a concession do?
Tyrone/Myki Guard: It makes it a bit cheaper for you.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Cheaper? I can enchant the store to give me cheaper items? Gotta give that to my children.
Liv/Elixia: It’s a spell to get things cheaper.
Tyrone/Myki Guard: Yeah but you need to be a student or something. Are you a student?
Nick/Lin-Dare: I’m a student paladin.
Tyrone/Myki Guard: Yeah, maybe that would work. Just talk to the ladies at the office and they'll sort you out.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Yeah she’ll go to the ladies at the office.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fucking hell we’re moving onto Elixia.
Liv/Elixia: Alright where am I?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Elixia, as you open your eyes you're gonna very distinctly hear some new type of bard music that you've never heard before.
Liv/Elixia: No, absolutely not.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s very dark.
Liv/Elixia: What time is it right now?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You don’t know this.
Liv/Elixia: No but just like..
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Out of character?
Liv/Elixia: Yeah, what time is it?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Um well homegirl was heading to her 9-5 on a Saturday.
Liv/Elixia: Who is at the club at 9am on a Saturday?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: A lot of 18 to like 25 year olds, but yeah you're gonna find yourself in a dark room with a lot of flashing lights. You've probably seen a sorcerer's Dancing Lights before, so it’s sort of like that
Liv/Elixia: I do appreciate the lights, I think they're pretty specky. I wonder like, a small part of me kind of wants these glowing necklaces and bracelets that they seem to all have on. I would never admit it out loud, of course, in my jewellery collection that I've acquired back home is way better, but they are very pretty in a cheap kind of way. However this music makes me feel volatile and slightly ill, and I just swiped a wallet from somebody’s pocket and there wasn't even any gold in there. So I'm gonna try and get out ASAP.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll me a perception.
Liv/Elixia: Shit. I got a 1. Can I not get out?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What did you roll?
Liv/Elixia: A 1.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re actually gonna walk right into a guard. He's gonna be like,
Tyrone/Security Guard: Oi what it there, miss. You need to watch where you’re going. How many have you had?
Liv/Elixia: I haven’t had anything. And if you don't let go of me, you'll find yourself on the edge of my sword, sir.
Tyrone/Security Guard: Alright, were just gonna take you out here there's no need for that aggression.
Liv/Elixia: Unhand me!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You see him talking to his jacket like,
Tyrone/Security Guard: We’re gonna need some help here by the bar.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: and another guard is also gonna come over and they're gonna get one hand each on your upper arms and they're gonna escort you out of the building.
Liv/Elixia: Let go of me. Why does this keep happening? Why do I keep being accosted by larger people?
Tyrone/Security Guard: Well, don’t start fights, missy.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Before you quickly find yourself on the streetside in daylight.
Nathan/Fiero:: Its like 10am.
Liv/Elixia: Oh thank god. I'm like disorientated, my ears are still ringing from the music, my eyes are like, they're Elven but they're struggling to adjust from the weird daylight.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah think about that, your Elven ears.
Liv/Elixia: No, my Elven eyes.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh your Elven eyes. Yeah, you’re not feeling that anymore.
Liv/Elixia: Yeah, thats why Im like this is weird and Im not used to this disorientation of light change, so I kinda like stagger for a bit and maybe fall into a gutter somewhere, I’m just like ‘lemme just sit, focus, and please do not talk to me sir’
Tyrone/Club Patron: Right love would you need me to call you an Uber?
Liv/Elixia: What the hell is an Uber?
Tyrone/Club Patron: It's like a taxi.
Liv/Elixia: What the hell is a taxi?
Tyrone/Club Patron: You need a ride home love?
Liv/Elixia: I don’t know if you can provide that for me. I'm very far from my home right now.
Tyrone/Club Patron: You got like a hotel? Or like a place to stay?
Liv/Elixia: I'm just gonna ask you to leave sir, I need a second.
Tyrone/Club Patron: Alright. I'm just gonna go back over to the door.
Liv/Elixia: I put my head on my knees that are pushed up and I just feel like, how the hell do I get out of here.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I think we’re gonna cut to Milo.
Afra/Milo: Alright.
Liv/Elixia: It's all his fault that I'm in this mess.
Nathan/Fiero: Keep care of my cat.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Milo, you're going to open your eyes and you'll find yourself on a bench in a room. A very large but indoor room that seems to have a market, like a bazaar set up with stalls around, people selling things.
Afra/Milo: How weird, how bizarre.
Nathan/Fiero: Fuck off.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: There’s a couple of elves around, humans, you've got Tabasco. Tabasco notably looks less red, but still seems kinda fiery.
Afra/Milo: Alright, does he still have flames on him?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, he has no flames.
Afra/Milo: Alright, instantly worried about that.
Liv/Elixia: Speak to me man! Are you alright?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He just meows.
Afra/Milo: I guess, I don’t know what happened. I don't really know what flame cats do. Maybe he's got the fire.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Like normal?
Afra/Milo: He just went through a portal. Who knows. He's probably stressed
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: This is probably the same time actually that you notice as you go down to reach for Tabasco that you like look at your hands like ‘where are my scales?’
Afra/Milo: Yeah, Milo looks at his hands like holds them up ‘AHHH’ and then reaches for his head to feel for his horns, and is like ‘oh no! Where are my horns?’
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I mean according to Elixia you ears.
Afra/Milo: My ears! Where are my ears?
Liv/Elixia: How am I supposed to know what dragons have?
Afra/Milo: And his tail! Oh god. He gets up and spins in a circle, looking for his tail.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You're gonna find someone, probably official looking, you alright?
Afra/Milo: My horns are gone! I don't know where my horns are?
Tyrone/Offical: Oh did you drop… we’ve got a lost and found. Lemme see if i can go look for them for you.
Afra/Milo: Okay. I'll come. They could’ve fallen off, I don't know.
Nathan/Fiero: They are lost. Let's go find them.
Liv/Elixia: This hasn't happened before, but who am I to say?
Afra/Milo: I'm not gonna say no.
Liv/Elixia: Tabasco lost his flames, maybe I lost my ears.
Afra/Milo: My ears?
Nathan/Fiero: Tabasco’s flame.
Afra/Milo: He can still hear!
Liv/Elixia: Again, how am I supposed to know what dragons have?
Afra/Milo: General knowledge.
Nathan/Fiero: We’ve seen Jurassic Park.
Liv/Elixia: Jurassic Park? Not in my fantasy world.
Afra/Milo: You’ve been around dragons.
Liv/Elixia: Maybe I haven’t. Maybe the city I'm from we don't have a lot of dragonborn.
Afra/Milo: A pretty sheltered life, I must say.
Nick/Lin-Dare: She's never seen a dragon fly overhead or been near…
Nathan/Fiero: She’s probably hiding in someone’s very well-lined wealthy pockets is where she’s hiding.
Liv/Elixia: I have an approximate knowledge of dragons. I know that something’s there, I just didn't know what it was.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: This official-looking human. Hes gonna take your over to side room.
Afra/Milo: And I'm like carrying Tabasco He’s my friend’s familiar, I’m just looking after him.
Tyrone/Offical: What’s that from?
Afra/Milo: My friend? Or the cat? Or?
Tyrone/Official: The cat, yeah, where’s it from?
Afra/Milo: From my friend’s house. I got him from the temple.
Tyrone/Official: Oh, I probably would’ve known anyway. What colour did you say your horns were?
Afra/Milo: Just like black horns, pretty big.
Tyrone/Fisher: Yeah, what was your costume today?
Nick/Lin-Dare: Were you going as Maleficent?
Afra/Milo: Yeah, who? I was wearing a chained shirt. I was going to a wedding so I had to dress up.
Tyrone/Official: Oh yeah, are you wearing a suit?
Nathan/Fiero: Or yeah the wedding.
Afra/Milo: With the chained shirt underneath.
Tyrone/Official: I don’t think I've seen that show before. Where are you from?
Afra/Milo: What is this show? Where am I from?
Tyrone/Official: Yeah.
Afra/Milo: I'm from Aubade . Where are we?
Tyrone/Official: Aubade. I dont think ive heard of that place before. Oh, Melbourne.
Afra/Milo: What? What is this Melbourne?
Tyrone/Official: Surely you know where you travelled to.
Afra/Milo: No, I went through a portal.
Tyrone/Official: I can't seem to find your horns, sorry. Maybe it's still around, keep your eyes around on the ground.
Afra/Milo: Okay. and he starts walking around looking at the ground not to mention his tail and his scales. Does he see a stall that’s selling horns… he looks through-
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes! Like they’ve got some goat horns that curl.
Afra/Milo: What demon did you get these from? These are worth a lot!
Tyrone/Vendor: Yeah, they're probably worth a bit but gotta make a good profit. 50 bucks?
Afra/Milo: What is bucks?
Tyrone/Vendor: Like 50 dollars.
Afra/Milo: Uh-huh. Okay, um I got gems.
Tyrone/Vendor: Okay, we don’t want props. We don’t do exchanges here.
Afra/Milo: Oh shit okay, I didn't even want them anyway. Have you seen any dragon horns?
Tyrone/Vendor: We don't have any, maybe another stall has some?
Afra/Milo: Where’s the stall? They stole my horns! This is gruesome.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: However, roll me an investigation
*rolls die*
Afra/Milo: I rolled an 18, so that’s just plussing, minus 1.
Nathan/Fiero: Your perception is minus 1?
Afra/Milo: No, initiative and investigation is plus your intelligence which is minus 1.
Liv/Elixia: You have minus one in intelligence?
Afra/Milo: Yeah!
Liv/Elixia: That tracks.
Afra/Milo: It’s just 17.
Nathan/Fiero: She’s beefy and we love it.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Even with 17, one of the stalls has a familiar object that’s about the size of a drink bottle
*gasps*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s the orrery. The doohickey.
Afra/Milo: The space thingy.
Nathan/Fiero: Not on fire.
Afra/Milo: I'm gonna go pick it up and be like ‘oh my god take me back!’
Liv/Elixia: You start shaking it, please!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The stall owner’s gonna be like,
Tyrone/Vendor: Oi, hands off on that… Oh, I don’t remember having that one. Is it yours?
Afra/Milo: Yes.
Liv/Elixia: It is now.
Afra/Milo: I’ll take it off your hands.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll me a deception.
*rolls dice*
Afra/Milo: 9.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Lucky my sense motive is even worse than that, so it’s okay.
Tyrone/Vendor: Yeah just take it, yeah I guess. It’s not mine.
Afra/Milo: Sick, okay, Tabasco one arm, this thing in the other? I’m gonna take it off into a corner to look at it better.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re going to hear a bit of commotion coming from the doors that lead outside.
Afra/Milo: Commotion did get me in a bad spot, eh I’ll go check it out.
Liv/Elixia: No sense of self preservation.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: As it leads outside, there’s a lot of people looking up in the air, pointing up and as you look up, you see this human freaking the fuck out, they’re floating in the air like
Tyrone/Floating Person: Help! Get me down!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And in the distance you can hear sort of whirring in the sky as you see the mechanical vehicles flying overhead.
Liv/Elixia: Dad! Its a dragon! That’s my dad!
Theme Song: *rock music plays*
Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Thank you so much for listening to Portal Quandary. Portal Quandary is made possible by the following people: Afra Child as Milo, myself Tyrone Cross as Dungeon Master and Editor, Nathan Lee as Fiero, Nick Fairleigh as Lin-Dare, and Liv Ryan as Elixia. Elias Moffat is our Content Producer and Narrative Consultant. Rhiannon Davidson is our Community Manager, Lachlan Fardy is our Sound Designer, and Amelia Nemet is our Transcriber. The theme song is Belly of the Beast by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas, and if you need to contact us you can do so at portalquandary@gmail.com. This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people, and produced on the lands of the Anawan, Awabakal, Birpai, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past, present and emerging leaders.
Theme Song: *rock music continues*
Finding home in the belly of the beast, (in the belly of the beast), to make it home we can’t accept defeat, (there’s no turning back) so roll the dice and come along with me, (come along with me, let’s go), finding home in the belly of the beast.
*laughter*
Liv/Elixia: That’s your dad!? Next chapter, Milo finds his father.