Portal Quandary: Phoenaxis
Episode 2 - The Necro-Comic-Con
Afra/Milo: Portal Quandary has some content warnings, they’re in the description if you need to check them out.
Theme Song: *rock music plays*
Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Previously on Portal Quandary. We are in our land of Phoenaxis in the city of Aubade, Prince Barthelemy is getting married to Lu-kass, Lin-Dare's seventh child. There’s a commotion happening over at the sun temple. A very large, sort of purple portal will open up in the sky. The little mechanical structure with all the planets and like gears. A very tan looking creature with sort of clothes made out of leaves, and you have his wings. You find yourself in this vortex. Fiero, you find yourself in what looks to be a battle. Lin-dare, have you ever been in a carriage Lin-dare? It seems like you're in one of these but more made out of metal and it's like three times the length. Elixia, you're going to hear some new type of bard music. Milo, you're going to find yourself in a very large room that seems to have a bazaar. This human freaking the fuck out that they're luke floating in the air. In the distance you can hear this whirring in the sky as you see this mechanical vehicle. DAD! It's a dragon! That's my dad!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And welcome back to Portal Quandary. I’m Tyrone, I’m your dungeon master. Last time we left off, our four adventurers had gotten split to various portals across the real world, trying to find their way back to each. Most importantly, Milo, our dragonborn ranger, found a citizen floating in the sky who seemed like they didn’t know how to float in the sky. And then a mechanical vehicle turned up and Milo started yelling about the fact that that was his dad. So we’re gonna go around the room today and we’re gonna talk about what each of our characters are excited about this week. We’re gonna start with Lin-Dare.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Hi, my name is Nick and I play the frost dragonborn paladin Lin-Dare, who’s mother of 10, often seen as the mum of the party and with a passion of hatred of the undead. Lin-Dare is excited to get her Myki and her concession enchantment cards that everyone keeps telling her about. Not that she can really use them but I’m sure her children will really appreciate them.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, but for just for like the people listening at home who might not be from Melbourne, what is a Myki card?
Nick/Lin-Dare: Okay, a Myki card is a train travel card, kinda like Opal cards from Sydney or Oyster cards from London.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What does she want to do with them?
Nick/Lin-Dare: They’re enchantment cards! She wants them because they’re enchantment cards! Maybe her daughter is a mage, I don't know.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Her daughter’s a mage now, confirmed.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Yeah, I’m sure one of them is.
Afra/Milo: New lore revealed.
Liv/Elixia: There’s gotta be at least one.
Afra/Milo: Gotta get the list up
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What’s her name?
Nick/Lin-Dare: Let’s say that Suzanne is the mage.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Suz-Ann?
Nick/Lin-Dare: Suz-Ann.
Nathan/Fiero: And where does she keep her book?
Nick/Lin-Dare: She’s not a wizard.
Nathan/Fiero: What kind of mage is she?
Nick/Lin-Dare: You will never know.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sourcer. She inherited the magic from her dad. Milo, what are you excited for?
Afra/Milo: Hi, I’m Afra. I play Milo, he’s a dragonborn ranger, and he’s a himbo and I love him. Milo is excited to meet his dad.
Liv/Elixia: So we're actually doing that? We’re actually meeting Milo’s dad?
Afra/Milo: Uh, no. I think Milo is excited to figure out what the fuck is going on.
Liv/Elixia: To be fair though, has Milo ever known what’s going on?
Afra/Milo: No, never. I think mostly he wants to find his horns, that’s the main thing. He’s like ‘Where?’.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Yeah. Lin-Dare hasn’t realised that yet.
Liv/Elixia: She will soon.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You found the orrery, though.
Afra/Milo: That’s true. I forgot about that, though.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Elixia, what are you excited about?
Liv/Elixia: Hi! I’m Liv, and I play Elixia the half elf. She’s mean and arrogant and always pointing a rapier at someone but hopefully you enjoy her! I think she’s excited to either figure out how to grift in this new world, but other than that, she just wants to figure out how to get home, because she doesn’t get this place, and if she doesn't get something, she gets very frustrated, so yeah I think she’s trying to figure out a way to get home, to get out of here.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Valid, I mean she did get dropped into the middle of a club.
Liv/Elixia: Yeah. She’s disorientated, her head hurts, she either needs some sort of score or mark, or she needs to get the fuck out of here.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fiero. What are we excited about this week?
Nathan/Fiero: Hi! I’m Nathan. I play Fiero. He’s a sun high elf, who hates people but loves his cat. He’s excited to, I think, kinda learn the magics of this new world but the magic of friendship.
*everyone laughs*
Nathan/Fiero: Now that he’s finally make an ice wizardy friend-
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Would you say that’s your friend though? You’re kinda demanding his spell book.
Nathan/Fiero: Well, that’s part of the journey. Part of the new experience.
Liv/Elixia: The magic of friendship isn’t so easily learnt.
Nathan/Fiero: The strongest relationships are forged in fire.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s like your bestie that you hated in primary school but now here you are twenty years later.
Nathan/Fiero: It’s a song. Maybe of Fire. Maybe of Ice.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: A Song of Ice and Fire? By George RR Martin?
Nathan/Fiero: So yeah, I think he’ll be excited to make a new villain friend, either make a friend or make another enemy.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Another enemy?
Nathan/Fiero: I’ve made a lot. In terms of bridges, a lot of them have been burnt.
Liv/Elixia: By your own fire spells?
Nathan/Fiero: By my own fire spells, thank you very much!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Let’s dive in then, I suppose. We're gonna head back into the realms of the mysterious citizen freaking out hardcore about the fact that they’re about 20 metres in the air at the moment, and everyone’s just sitting there pointing at them like ‘Oh My God, look at him!’. I think Milo doesn’t know why that’s weird.
Afra/Milo: Yeah, he’s like, ‘Oh, does he not normally do that? What’s everyone worried about? He’ll be fine. Just let him do his thing. He’s probably, I don’t know.’
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Then we have our mechanical flying vehicle.
Afra/Milo: Yeah, he’s more concerned about that. He’s like, ‘What the hell is that?’
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is that your dad?
Afra/Milo: Yeah, my dad was kinda like that. But the wings are different, so it’s not him.
Liv/Elixia: The powers of deduction.
Afra/Milo: Yeah, he’s like ‘what kind of beast is that?’
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: As you get closer, you can see that there are two people inside. One of them is pointing a device towards the floating person.
Afra/Milo: So, that’s why he’s floating. That guy is pointing the device- Milo’s figured it out. He’s like, I've gotta take that thing in the sky down? Alright. He does have a bow and arrow.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You have a bow and arrow?
Afra/Milo: Uh, yeah. He’s considering it. He’s like taking it out, he’s starting to draw it, like ‘maybe’.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Maybe I will.
Afra/Milo: I’ll suss this out a little, but I’m ready.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I think it's only because of your situation, that that does not draw too much concern. In every other environment.
Afra/Milo: Everyone else is too worried about him.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Can you imagine if he just shot down this person?
Afra/Milo: Yeah, I’ll have to go to prison, I guess.
*sounds of battle can be heard*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Gonna keep the suspense there. Fiero, real quick. The battle has finished, the mock battle has finished, and your bestie is coming up to you and being like,
Tyrone/Blizzbro: Oh yeah, you wanted to come back to his tent?
Nathan/Fiero: Sorry mate, what was his name?
Nick/Lin-Dare: I don’t think you ever got his name.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh, like my character name? Or my…
Nick/Lin-Dare: It’s Elsa.
Tyrone/Blizzero: I’m Dave, but my character’s name is Blizzro.
Nathan/Fiero: Blizzro.
Liv/Elixia: Blizzro.
Nathan/Fiero: Woah, love it. Yeah, Blizzro, show me to your intimate tent. I assume it’s very intimate.
Liv/Elixia:‘Cause it’s a tent.
Nathan/Fiero: Well, things are about to get intense.
Liv/Elixia: How hot is this guy though?
Nick/Lin-Dare: Describe… What does he look like?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll a D10.
Afra/Milo: Yeah. What is he out of 10?
*rolls dice*
Nathan/Fiero: It’s a 0 but I think that’s a 10. I believe, I’m rolling it and I’m counting and it’s a 0 so either that’s a-
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s a 10.
Nathan/Fiero: Ooh, he’s a 10 out of 10.
Afra/Milo: Ooh, damn okay. Yeah, what’s he look like? You describe him.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What’s Fiero’s type?
Nathan/Fiero: Describe this 10 out of 10 for me. Make it a 10 out of 10 for Fiero.
Afra/Milo: What celebrity does he look like?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You know what? Because he’s a blizzard, blizzard wizard, he’s got frosted tips.
Liv/Elixia: He’s Vanilla Ice!
Nick/Lin-Dare: Does he look like the hot Jack Frost from that…
Liv/Elixia: No! Stop! He’s cosplaying as Jack Frost!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Wait, which Jack Frost?
Liv/Elixia: The hot one!
Afra/Milo: From the Rise of the Guardians.
Liv/Elixia: Though I will say, the one from Santa Clause 3 could kinda get it when I was a kid.
*everyone laughs*
Liv/Elixia: In a weird way, in a weird way!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Wasn’t it like a weird CGI?
Liv/Elixia: No, he was Michael Sheen on some weird shit but I was 8 and I was into it.
Nathan/Fiero: Maybe he is just Santa Claus from Santa Clause 3.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I don’t want to get too much into what he looks like, but he kinda looks like Jack Frost from Rise of the Guardians.
Nathan/Fiero: Alright, we can do that, alright. Maybe a little bit more muscle mass? Maybe he’s wearing some shoes?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So you’re going into this tent, I’d rather describe it as a pavilion, it’s a bit bigger, it’s not a camping tent, it’s got a bit more room.
Nathan/Fiero: Maybe he lit a candle!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He did not leave any candles, because that’s a fire hazard and the LARPing team does not let him?
Nathan/Fiero: What isn’t a fire hazard? I’m pointing to myself.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You are a fire hazard, but he does have a little torch set up, it’s sort of artificial light which you’re only assuming is Dancing Lights or something. He’s gonna go over to the table and be like
Tyrone/Blizzero: Oh yeah, this is where I keep track of all the spells that I learn as I level up, what does yours look like?
Nathan/Fiero: So uh, I pull out my.. It’s fluffy, it’s very fluffy, I pull out my spell book.
Afra/Milo: I didn’t know where that was going at first.
Nathan/Fiero: But I don't open my spell book, right? Because it’s my personal, secret spell journal. So I'll ask him about those lights and how he knows the Dancing Lights spell as a frosty wizard.
Nathan/Fiero: How do you know fire magic, Blizzro? Blizzbro?
Tyrone/Blizzero: Wait, I don’t know fire magic, I’m Blizzro. You’re a fire mage though, yeah?
Nathan/Fiero: I am, but I wanna know all the kinds of magics. What do you have? How do you know this spell?
Tyrone/Blizzero: We’ve got like
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fuck my life, Insert DND ice spells here.
*everyone laughs*
Nick/Lin-Dare: Isn’t there like Ray of Frost or something?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ray of Frost. Cold Touch. Snow Storm. I’m making shit up.
Nathan/Fiero: Show me this Ray of Frost spell. Show me it, I need to know.
Tyrone/Blizzero: Uh, yeah, sure.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’ll open it up and it’s just like instructions on-
Nick/Lin-Dare: How to do the hand movements.
Afra/Milo: How much damage it does.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s like Remember to pack 4 streamers if I'm gonna use this. I’m picturing like an Avatar the Last Airbender water bending scroll or something.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Like a bending scroll?
Nathan/Fiero: So I’ll read the scroll and I’ll attempt to do the incantation and hand movements.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll me an arcana check.
*rolls dice*
Nathan/Fiero: It is a 12.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re gonna do the movements but nothing seems to happen.
Nathan/Fiero: Do I do them right?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s gonna like take your hand…
Tyrone/Blizzbro: Can I touch you?
Nathan/Fiero: I start to sweat. Yes you can.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s gonna move your hand a little bit like,
Tyrone/Blizzbro: No you need to cup your hand like this a little bit more and you need to move your finger like this…
Nathan/Fiero: Now is he doing it in front of me or is he doing it behind me? Will he teach me how to play golf?
Afra/Milo: Yeah, that’s the real question.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes.
Nathan/Fiero: So his hands are reaching around me.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, a little bit like that.
Afra/Milo: Ooh, a bit romantic.
Liv/Elixia: How come you get a hot guy when you just wake up and I wake up in the club, passing out.
Nathan/Fiero: I’m sweatin’. Wow. I’ve never blushed like this before.
Tyrone/Blizzbro: Are you alright? It’s a bit warm in here, isn’t it?
Nathan/Fiero: [stutters] You’re so hot.
Tyrone/Blizzbro: Let’s step outside for a second. We’ll cool you down.
Nathan/Fiero: I’m thirsty and he’s a tall drink. That doesn’t work.
Tyrone/Blizzbro: But you practise, you'll get it. You come next week, I’ll teach you.
Nathan/Fiero: Can I show you what I can do?
Tyrone/Blizzbro: Uh yeah, show me your spells sure. I’m just gonna focus on ice magic.
Nathan/Fiero: I wanna cast a Prestidigitation and I want to try and make some snowflakes. I wanna kinda impress him if I can.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, that goes off a little bit. He’s gonna grab your hand, kinda like flip it over, and be like reach up your sleeve a little bit.
Tyrone/Blizzbro: How did you do that? Do you have like a little snow machine on your hand? Like, in your sleeve? Or..
Nathan/Fiero: It’s magic. This thing we’re doing, it’s magic. This thing you and I have.
Tyrone/Blizzbro: Look, I’m gonna go head over to the convention after this, are you going?
Nathan/Fiero: Are there more wizards there?
Tyrone/Blizzbro: Yeah, like me and a few of the wizards are going over, yeah.
Nathan/Fiero: Can I see more of your spells? You were gonna show me your spell book.
Tyrone/Blizzbro: Uh, next week. You’ll have to come back next week. I’ll teach you a little more.
Nathan/Fiero: How will I contact you? Should I just write an owl?
Nick/Lin-Dare: Messenger pigeon.
Liv/Elixia: Send an owl.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Do you have Instagram?
Tyrone/Blizzbro: Do you have Facebook?
Nathan/Fiero: What’s Facebook? Is this like a necrocom? Like the necromantic book of dead people’s faces, in a book!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re literally the cheesiest thing, oh my god. ‘Cause he’s just like, he still thinks you’re still into the fucking LARP roleplay.
Nathan/Fiero: You’re damn right I am.
Tyrone/Blizzbro: Okay, do you have like a phone number?
Nathan/Fiero: I can give you my scribing orb? I’ll just meet you back here?
Tyrone/Blizzbro: Yeah. This time next week?
Nathan/Fiero: It’s a date.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Been in this world a day and you already have a date.
Tyrone/Blizzbro: Do you still want to come to the convention? Or…
Nathan/Fiero: I do, I do, I do, I do, I do, I do… lemme see if I can find my cat around.
Tyrone/Blizzbro: Oh! I didn’t see a cat…
Nathan/Fiero: He’s Tobacco! He’s like this little fiery cat!
Liv/Elixia: Tobacco?
*everyone laughs*
Nathan/Fiero: Tabasco! Tabasco.
Liv/Elixia: But also, who brings their cat to a LARPing session?
Nathan/Fiero: He always comes with me. Let me give him a call.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is that a thing you can do?
Nathan/Fiero: Yeah. I have a Find Familiar. I don’t know how it works in this world, but essentially I just call and the familiar comes. So, might as well just shout: Pspsps
*everyone laughs*
Nathan/Fiero: Pspspsps. Is the incantation. Pspspsps Tabasco! Pspspsps.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Nothing happens yet.
Nathan/Fiero: No! Help me find him!
Tyrone/Blizzbro: I’m sure he’s around. Like, I’m sure he’s in the woods or whatever.
Nathan/Fiero: So my spell hasn’t worked.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You haven’t seen its results yet. I’m not saying it didn’t work, I’m just saying you don’t know if it did or not.
Nathan/Fiero: Alright, can I try again? PS5, PS5, PS5. Okay. Alright, I’ll go with you to the convention. Hopefully Tabasco’s there.
Afra/Milo: Hopefully he’s at the convention. Seems like something he’d like to do.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, you’re gonna start walking across the field towards this very large building in an architecture style that you’ve never really seen before. You’re gonna see a flying mechanical structure overhead of it.
Nathan/Fiero: Can I ask Blizzbro what is that dragon in the sky?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s gonna like chuckle, and be like,
Tyrone/Blizzbro: A Helicopter?
Nathan/Fiero: I’ve never encountered this kind of creature before.
Tyrone/Blizzbro: Oh, you’ve never seen a helicopter?
Nathan/Fiero: Is it dangerous?
Tyrone/Blizzbro: Nah, they’re alright. They’re probably filming something there I don’t know... They’re probably just filming for Comic-Con or whatever.
Nathan/Fiero: Filming? What’s filming? Comic-Con?
Tyrone/Blizzbro: Bro, do you just keep roleplaying until we step off the LARPing grounds or whatever?
Nathan/Fiero: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Tyrone/Blizzbro: You know, like capturing images…?
Nathan/Fiero: Capturing? Are these images… are they valuable?
Tyrone/Blizzbro: Oh, let me speak in your tone… Somewhat like a moving scroll.
Nathan/Fiero: That is quite high enchantment.
Tyrone/Blizzbro: It certainly is, let’s take a closer look.
Nathan/Fiero: Lead the way.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And when you get there, closer up, there’s gonna be all these people pointing at the sky and there’s gonna be a man floating in the air, freaking the fuck out, *screaming*, and this helicopter, as it’s called, is above with a man inside pointing a device at it. Roll me a perception.
*rolls die*
Nathan/Fiero: Okay, that was a 1, so whatever that next part is…
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Milo, roll me a perception, too.
Nathan/Fiero: Wait, that was a 1 and…
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s an automatic fail.
Liv/Elixia: Don’t try to save it.
Nathan/Fiero: That’s a fail, so I can keep going, but it is a 3, oh sorry, a 5.
*rolls die*
Afra/Milo: I got 16.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You don’t see anything. Because… You’re blushing too much.
Afra/Milo: Too busy focusing on your man.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You however see Fiero in the distance with some random guy looking up at the dragon.
Afra/Milo: Ooh, okay . Do I still have Tabasco with me?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You definitely still have Tabasco with you.
Nathan/Fiero: Oh! My spell worked then!
Afra/Milo: Oh, okay. I’m like ‘Oh My God! I’m like, look Tabasco! It’s your dad!’
Nathan/Fiero: Tabasco! I told you, I told you, I told you it would work.
Afra/Milo: Yeah, Milo’s gonna yell out like, ‘Hey! I’ve got your cat!’
Nathan/Fiero: That’s my cat! That’s my cat!
Tyrone/Blizzbro: Oh, why does that random guy have it?
Nathan/Fiero: Oh, oh. He’s a friend - acquaintance from work. I barely know him. Why does he have my cat? I don’t know.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: We’re gonna cut over to Lin-Dare now.
*train ambience*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Lin-Dare, you’ve just crossed the barrier that you were attempting to break to begin with.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Oh yeah, the train doors, yeah.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: But the random said you can get a Myki card from the machine beyond the barrier.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Does she know where the Myki cards are coming from?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh actually they said to talk to the lady at the desk for concession.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Oh yeah, she will clank on over to the desk. Is there a line?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Uh, there’s no line. No.
Tyrone/Ticket Merchant: Hi, how can I help you?
Nick/Lin-Dare: She’s gonna like look at the thing, at the glass between- ‘cause you know how they have those glass things in between- she’s gonna be like, ‘You have force fields?’
Tyrone/Ticket Merchant: Yeah that’s just for Covid protection dear. Security.
Afra/Milo: We’re in a Covid world? God.
Nick/Lin-Dare: What is the Covid? Is it a beast? Monster? Are you being…
Tyrone/Ticket Merchant: Yeah, it’s been pretty nasty lately, hasn’t it? You could call it a monster.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Do you want me to slay it?
Tyrone/Ticket Merchant: Uh, we’ll leave that to the doctors dear, won’t we?
Nick/Lin-Dare: Doctors? They can’t fight beasts.
Tyrone/Ticket Merchant: Uh, this beast they can.
Liv/Elixia: She’s probably like, this anti-vaxxer.
Nathan/Fiero: Girl, slay. Slay the Covid down.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Uh, okay. I’m sure they’ve got it handled. But if you need any help. She’ll put her mace on the desk, like ‘Call me’.
Tyrone/Ticket Merchant: Oh! Are you going to that Comic-Con today?
Nick/Lin-Dare: No, no I’ve come to get enchantment cards. Myki and concession, the spell cards, I need them.
Tyrone/Ticket Merchant: Ah, concession!
Nick/Lin-Dare: Myki and concession.
Tyrone/Ticket Merchant: Oh, well we’ll deal with the concession first. Have you done your paperwork?
Nick/Lin-Dare: No, they didn’t tell me I had to sign anything.
Tyrone/Ticket Merchant: Oh, lemme just go back, I’ll just go back and get some paperwork, just gonna give it to you. Just fill these out and bring them back. But Myki card? Yeah, lemme get you one. So they just cost $5 and then like however much money you wanna put on them.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Dollars?
Tyrone/Ticket Merchant: Yeah. Bucks. Australian dollars. AUD
Nick/Lin-Dare: Oh, must be some foreign currency I haven’t heard of. I’m not from here. I don’t have any dollars.
Tyrone/Ticket Merchant: Well, I think there’s a currency exchange up the road if you need to do that.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Do you know how much gold is worth?
Tyrone/Ticket Merchant: What?
Nick/Lin-Dare: She’ll hold up one of her gold coins, and be like, ‘I have like 10 of these? Do you want one? You can give me a concession and a Myki card?’
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll me a persuasion.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Okay. I am proficient in persuasion, so…
*rolls die*
Nick/Lin-Dare: That is a 15.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She’s gonna kinda look down at the coin look back at up at you, and she’s gonna like give you a Myki, and be like,
Tyrone/Ticket Merchant: Here you go sir, uh, madam. Not sir.
Nathan/Fiero: The misgendering.
Nick/Lin-Dare: I’m a lady. I know you can’t really tell because of my scales and my horns. All the dragonborn’s clan look the same. We get that a lot.
Tyrone/Ticket Merchant: Your what? Your scales?
Nick/Lin-Dare: She’s gonna look at her holding up her hands, and be like-
Tyrone/Ticket Merchant: Yeah, there’s no scales.
Nick/Lin-Dare: You know what, nevermind!
Tyrone/Ticket Merchant: Don’t forget your Myki!
Nick/Lin-Dare: She’ll look behind her tail and feel her head and be like, ‘I have hair!’
Tyrone/Ticket Merchant: Yeah, your hair’s really lovely. What’s your routine?
Nick/Lin-Dare: She’s gonna grab the Myki and walk away. She’s gonna look at it and be like, okay, I need to figure out how to use this…
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are you just forgetting that you don’t have scales, like okay, the card.
Nick/Lin-Dare: No, she’s still like… it’s happened, I’ll cross with that bridge when it comes to it.
Afra/Milo: She’s like, I’ll deal with that later.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What is your hair?
Nick/Lin-Dare: She’s got like a silver braid down the back of her head. She’ll go ask the platform guy again, she’ll be like, ‘How do you activate these? How do you use the unlocking charm?’
Tyrone/Myki Guard: Oh just like tap it on the screen.
Nick/Lin-Dare: The screen?
Tyrone/Myki Guard: Yeah, the screens at the gates. But you’re already on the right side of the gate, you don’t need to come back in.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Can’t I just hold it out to a door and it’ll just open?
Tyrone/Myki Guard: Like, the gates at the train stations.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Oh, so you’ve got like special way-gates?
Tyrone/Myki Guard: Yeah.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Oh. Okay, I will keep hold of this and I will use it to open any way-gates that I find.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll me deal 100, to see how much money she put on the Myki.
*rolls die*
Nick/Lin-Dare: That’s a 40.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah keep a note of that. You’ve got $40 on your Myki.
Nick/Lin-Dare: $40 worth of Myki.
Afra/Milo: Where we gonna go?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah I keep no more than like $20 on my Myki.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Alright, I guess she will head outside because she has nothing else to do in here.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh yeah, did you get your concession paperwork?
Nick/Lin-Dare: Think you gave it to her, but she kinda was like ‘ooh the Myki’.
Liv/Elixia: She got distracted.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Heading outside?
Nick/Lin-Dare: Yeah.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master:Yeah so you’re sorta like on the corner of a street at the moment. You’ve got your corner, on one corner is some sort of construction work happening, on another corner seems to be some sort of place of worship, and on the last corner looks to be like a tavern.
Nick/Lin-Dare: You know what, she’s gonna go to the place of worship. She’s a paladin, she worships her deity.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What’s her deity?
Nick/Lin-Dare: Not the evil dragon god, the other one.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Bahamut
Nick/Lin-Dare: Bahamut. Not Tiamat. Tiamat is the evil one. She worships Bahamut, the nice one.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You go into the place of worship.
*church bells*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Head right on in. It seems… It's not very busy at the moment. Yeah, there’s lots of candles that are out, there’s the pews with some sort of podium at the very front. I don’t know, I've never been in a church.
Liv/Elixia: No idea.
Nathan/Fiero: You’ve never been inside the cathedral there and it shows.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sorry Nathan, could you please describe it?
Nathan/Fiero: So when you walk in, it’s just wooden pews right, no candles, not a single thing is alight inside.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, she will go find a spot at the front and she will do some prayers to Bahamut.
Nathan/Fiero: That religious?
Nick/Lin-Dare: Yeah, I wouldn’t say she’s crazy devoted, but she’s still…
Nathan/Fiero: That is crazy devotion.
Afra/Milo: She’s like, well might as well.
Nathan/Fiero: What time of day is it?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: About 10am, mid-morning.
Nathan/Fiero: What day of the week?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Saturday.
Nathan/Fiero: Crazy devoted.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: A lady is gonna come up and sit next to you and be like,
Tyrone/Church Goer: Sorry love, service isn’t until tomorrow morning.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Bahamut does services now?
Tyrone/Church Goer: No, there’s no one named Bahamut here.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Oh, this must be the wrong church. I am so sorry. Praises to your gods but I have to go. She's gonna go somewhere else. She’s gonna leave.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Where are you heading from here? This seems to sort of be a commerce district from here.
Nick/Lin-Dare: She will, you know what? She’s gonna go look at the shops. She’s like look, if I’m here, I may as well enjoy the local things.
Afra/Milo: She’s gonna go shopping.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: We’re gonna leave you there for one second.
*club ambience*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: We’re gonna head over to Elixia, who is currently not having a good time in the gutter.
Liv/Elixia: Yeah, I’m sitting in the gutter. My head is pounding.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: After getting kicked out of the church. Not the church? After getting kicked out of the club.
Liv/Elixia: The church to some. Some people would call it a place of worship. Out of the club, yeah.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Spoonerism
Liv/Elixia: Freudian
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re gonna get a gentleman who looks to be a little bit intoxicated. He’s gonna be like,
Tyrone/Clubber: Love, have you got a way home?
Liv/Elixia: What time is it for me right now? 10am?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, it’s about 10am.
Liv/Elixia: I, like, grit my teeth and mutter, ‘I wish I had a way home but I don’t think I can get there right now.’
Tyrone/Clubber: You wanna taxi?
Liv/Elixia: What in blazes is a taxi?
Tyrone/Clubber: Did you need a place to stay? I don’t know what to tell you love, someone’s gonna take you where you need to be.
Liv/Elixia: Then sure, I’ll take a taxi. At this point, I’ll take anything.
Tyrone/Clubber: Where you headin’? You got a place to stay?
Liv/Elixia: No?
Tyrone/Clubber: Look, yeah just come back to mine, I’ll get you to have a shower.
Liv/Elixia: Yeah I’m not gonna do that,
Afra/Milo: That’s a bit dangerous, going back with some random guy.
Liv/Elixia: You know what, I’m gonna find this taxi on my own without you, good sir.
Tyrone/Clubber: Well, at least let me call you one.
Liv/Elixia: I’ll be fine, I can make my own way, thank you. You know what? For good measure, I’m gonna rob him.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What do you mean you’re gonna rob him? He’s right there!
Liv/Elixia: I don’t know, she has sleight of hand.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll me a sleight of hand, I guess.
Liv/Elixia: Maybe she doesn’t, actually.
Nathan/Fiero: I support it.
Afra/Milo: Do you have sleight of hand?
Liv/Elixia: I do have sleight of hand! Alright, lemme roll it.
*rolls die*
Liv/Elixia: 20. Yeah, not a Nat20 but a 20 with plus stuff.
Nathan/Fiero: A 20 with gusto.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, you’re just gonna like put your hand on his knee while he’s talking to you, and then just like sneak into the pocket real quick, grab the wallet, and now you have this man’s wallet as he walks away, leaving you alone.
Liv/Elixia: I’m feeling pretty chuffed now, and I’m peering into that wallet, I’m seeing you know, notes, some coins. I’m figuring out that this is obviously the currency of this place.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll me a D100.
Nathan/Fiero: How much money is in the wallet? As long as you don't roll a 10. Please not 10.
*rolls dice*
Liv/Elixia: 77. What does that mean?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ah that means there is $77 in that.
Liv/Elixia: In cash?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: In cash.
Liv/Elixia: Lovely. Alright.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: There’s a few other cards in there as well, but you can’t really discern what they mean. There’s one with like a picture and some other details on there.
Nick/Lin-Dare: They’re enchantment cards!
Liv/Elixia: Yeah I don’t care about that. So I’m pocketing that immediately and then I’m gonna stand up, look at the road, well I'm assuming it’s a road cause there are contraptions moving past, and I see that some of them have the word TAXI and I’m like okay, I understand, so it’s like-
Afra/Milo: She’s the only one that figured stuff out in this world.
Liv/Elixia: I’m very clever. Some of us are good at things. Milo.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re goddamn lucky that I don’t make you roll like a fucking intelligence check.
Liv/Elixia: So I’m going to… I’m assuming they operate the same way that we have similar things back home where you know if someone is intoxicated at the tavern you can get a lift home on some sort of wagon, so I’m going to step out in front of it. I’m assuming it’ll stop for me.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Oh my god, is Elixia gonna get run over?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’ll stop for you but you’ll also hear a very loud HONK!
Liv/Elixia: Yeah well, it worked, so…
Tyrone/Taxi Driver: Get in the fucking car, lady.
Liv/Elixia: So I get in.
Tyrone/Taxi Driver: Where to?
Liv/Elixia: That’s the question. Do you know anywhere that would cater to an elf? Or a dragon? Or mystical beings of any kind?
Tyrone/Taxi Driver: Just say the Comic-Con next time.
Liv/Elixia: Yeah let’s go there, let’s find whatever’s going on there. It can’t be much worse than here I suppose.
Tyrone/Taxi Driver: I’m just gonna start driving for a little while.
*driving ambience*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: We’re gonna get Elixia and Lin-Dare to please roll me a perception check.
*rolls dice*
Nick/Lin-Dare: That’s a 13.
Liv/Elixia: 15.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: As you’re glaring out the window at this unknown world that you're trying to figure out, Elixia, you’re gonna see what looks to be Lin-Dare? Question mark. If she had hair and no scales.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Yeah.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She’s still wearing her armour so that’s the most notable thing. And she’s stepping out of some sort of place of worship.
Liv/Elixia: Okay, I’m gonna say, ‘sir, can I ask you to halt for just a moment?’
Tyrone/Taxi Driver: Alright but I’m charging you for the time.
Liv/Elixia: It’s fine, I have cash.
Afra/Milo: I got $77.
Liv/Elixia: I have a whole 77.
Afra/Milo: I’m set for life.
Nathan/Fiero: Minus the taxi fare.
Tyrone/Taxi Driver: Yeah, whatever I'm gonna charge you for that.
Liv/Elixia: And so then I fumble with the latch on the door slightly trying to figure out how to open it. I get it eventually. I step out and I’m like no one saw it’s fine. And I go, I don’t want to, but I know they’re the best chance I’ve got of getting home, so I begrudgingly say, ‘Lin-Dare, is that you?’
Nick/Lin-Dare: She’ll turn around and be like *gasp* ‘My god, it’s someone else!’ She’ll kind of like bear hug you, kinda of like, almost like crush you. She doesn’t mean to crush you but she is crushing you.
Liv/Elixia: I’m gritting my teeth like, ‘hey’.
Nick/Lin-Dare: She’ll kinda put you back down like, ‘Where are we? Are you okay?’ She then checks Elixia for bruises or like bumps and be like, ‘Do you need some water? Do you need some, like, food? Do you need, like…’
Liv/Elixia: I’m fine, I’m fine. I promise. I don’t know where we are, I would hope you would know where we are
Nick/Lin-Dare: No, but I got this enchantment card that unlocks doors, so we can get into anywhere. Not for you.
Liv/Elixia: Alright, we can use that together, ‘cause now that we’re together we’re definitely gonna help each other.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Also, I went into the wrong church.
Liv/Elixia: What type of church was it?
Nick/Lin-Dare: I don’t know but it was the wrong one.
Liv/Elixia: All churches are wrong to me.
Nick/Lin-Dare: That’s okay dear
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Probably also you’re gonna notice that Elixia does not have as pointy ears as usual.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Oh, your ears! Did someone cut them off?
Liv/Elixia: Oh. No, I don’t like that. Oh no, why are they so round?
Nick/Lin-Dare: I inspect Elixia’s ears for like cuts to see if someone’s actually cut them off because she’s genuinely concerned.
Liv/Elixia: I’m gonna like slap your hand away and be like, ‘Don’t touch them’.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s gonna be the same for you, because now you’ve got normal ears.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Yeah she also like, ‘Mine are like that, too.’
Liv/Elixia: Yeah I think Elixia’s like, ‘yeah like my ears might be wrong but you’re whole everything is wrong.’
Nick/Lin-Dare: I know. She’ll be like, ‘What will we do? Actually no, let’s go, you wanna come look at the shops?’
Liv/Elixia: I’m actually in the process of taxi-ing right now and he said he would take me to somewhere that involves mystical beings so I’m following that route if you wanna come along to that.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Okay, yeah. I’ll go along with Elixia.
Liv/Elixia: And I’m getting back in the taxi.
Afra/Milo: You know how the latch works now.
Liv/Elixia: Yeah, oh yeah. I open it and im like almost showing off to Lin-Dare like, ‘Look, I’m so good at this. I understand.’
Nick/Lin-Dare: She’s gonna sit in the taxi and feel the seats… ‘What is this material? What beast did you kill for this?’
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I don’t know what the fuck car seats are made out of.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Is it like a leather car seat?
Afra/Milo: Leather?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s not leather. That’s a bit old, it’s a bit vintage.
Afra/Milo: Oh, you can get leather seats now.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Cotton, I guess? I don’t know, I don’t install them.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Cotton?
Liv/Elixia: I thought it would be pleather, like plastic.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Actually yeah, it’s a taxi, it’s gonna be-
Liv/Elixia: Have you never been in a taxi before, Ty?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s been a long time. We get Ubers nowadays. Um, no we’re gonna say pleather because all the people vomiting in the car seat, pleather’s easier to clean.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Pleather?
Tyrone/Taxi Driver: Yeah like, fake leather.
Liv/Elixia: Yeah, I’m just gonna like hiss at Lin-Dare like, ‘Don’t touch anything. Stop embarrassing me.’
Nick/Lin-Dare: She’ll be like, ‘Oh, it’s fake.’
Liv/Elixia: Don’t talk to anyone, don’t touch anything, let’s just get there.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Oh, they have forcefields too! She’s gonna tap the windows. I saw these before, they move!
Liv/Elixia: Elixia’s gonna like roll her eyes and scoot away from her and lean out the window to try and, you know…
Tyrone/Taxi Driver: Do you want the window down, love?
Nick/Lin-Dare: You can retract the forcefields?
Liv/Elixia: No.
Tyrone/Taxi Driver: Yeah, like you need a bit of fresh air?
Nick/Lin-Dare: Yes!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s gonna like put down the window for you.
Nick/Lin-Dare: She’s gonna gasp and be like, ‘Amazing.’
Liv/Elixia: Is she gonna like lean out and stick her tongue out?
Nick/Lin-Dare: No, she’s not a dog.
Liv/Elixia: Milo would.
Afra/Milo: Yeah, Milo would.
Nick/Lin-Dare: But she will ask him, ‘Do you have any enchantment cards?’ She’s gonna hold the Myki up, like, ‘Cards?’
Tyrone/Taxi Driver: Oh, you want like the… yeah, I think I’ve got some business cards lying around?
Nick/Lin-Dare: Can I have one?
Tyrone/Taxi Driver: It’s got the phone number on it, next time you need to get a taxi.
Nick/Lin-Dare: I can summon one of these?
Liv/Elixia: Yeah, I’m gonna like very casually without trying to like appear that I’m interested, take one as well.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Yeah, she will take one and add it to the…
Liv/Elixia: Add it to my wallet!
Afra/Milo: Your new wallet.
Liv/Elixia: I’m gonna take out some weird picture of this guy and I don’t know his wife and kids or something, throw that out the window that’s open, and slide in my taxi card.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Did you throw out his licence?
Liv/Elixia: Eh, probably. It’s not like he needs it.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Yeah, I will take his card and add it to my selection. Taxi summoning card.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Congratulations, you now have the taxi business card.
Afra/Milo: Woohoo, achievement unlocked.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I wanted you to take these back to the fantasy realm and for them to do something, that would be hilarious. We’re gonna put a little pause button on that right there as we go back to besties currently watching some guy floating in the air.
*convention ambience*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Blizzbro is… I’m pretty sure his name was Blizzro before but now it’s Blizzbro.
Liv/Elixia: I heard Blizzbro.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Blizzbro.
Nathan/Fiero: I heard Blizzbro.
Afra/Milo: Roll the tape back, it’ll say Blizzbro
*rewind sound*
Tyrone/Blizzbro: I’m Dave, but like my character’s name is Blizzro.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Blizzbro’s gonna be like,
Tyrone/Blizzbro: What, they’re pulling some crazy stunts at Comic-con this year, like how are they doing that? Wires? I don’t know where from.
Afra/Milo: I know where from.
Nathan/Fiero: Milo, where’s it from?
Afra/Milo: Milo like points up at the helicopter and he’s like, ‘There’s a guy in there! He’s pointing something at him!’
Nathan/Fiero: He must be some sort of warlock.
Afra/Milo: Why is he doing this to him? Did they get in a feud?
Nick/Lin-Dare: Are the people in the helicopter dressed up as well?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: They’re just, like, in suits.
Nathan/Fiero: I, I have an idea. Now, bear with me.
Afra/Milo: What’s your idea? Oh God.
Nathan/Fiero: We have to free the falling man. So we have to destroy the helicopter and the warlock. The warlock and his beast helicopter.
Afra/Milo: Oh, here we go. Milo’s like, this sounds reasonable.
Nathan/Fiero: I knew you would. Blizzbro, are you in?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re gonna scare Blizzbro away if you starting fucking taking down helicopters!
Afra/Milo: What the fuck? You’re gonna commit an act of terror?
Liv/Elixia: You have to choose between your love and your love for terrorism.
Nathan/Fiero: I want to try to convince Blizzbro that even though it’s roleplay, that we need to take down this Warlock-controlled helicopter to free this falling man.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You want to roll a persuasion?
Nathan/Fiero: I do. I wanted you to say that, ‘cause I hope we do, okay?
*rolls die*
Nathan/Fiero: Solid 11.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s okay, because he rolled a 1. He rolled a 1 against your 11. What are you saying to him?
Nathan/Fiero: We need to help this falling, scared man.
Tyrone/Blizzbro: Oh yeah, what are the organisers doing? Do they have like a safety mat if he falls?
Nathan/Fiero: I don’t know about safety, but…
*everyone laughs*
Liv/Elixia: Yeah, you sure don’t.
Nathan/Fiero: I don’t know about safety but Milo says there’s a warlock in the helicopter.
Afra/Milo: Yeah, I think that’s what’s going on. I’ve figured it out. I’ve connected the dots.
Nathan/Fiero: I also think Tabasco’s nodding. So with my familiar, I can actually make him do things.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What can you make him do?
Afra/Milo: Is he gonna take down the helicopter?
Nathan/Fiero: It’s similar to like telepathy, but just to the minion, like the little creature, and so I'm getting him to… I’m looking at him and like, nodding, and Tabsaco’s nodding back. I’m gonna get Tabasco to hiss at the helicopter. Hiss.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Give us your best hiss expression.
Nathan/Fiero: Hith.
Liv/Elixia: Does he have a lisp?
Nathan/Fiero: He’s a cat, he doesn’t have lips!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s a gay cat.
Nathan/Fiero: Hith.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Congratulations. Tabasco hisses at the helicopter?
Nathan/Fiero: Great. Have we convinced Blizzbro?
Tyrone/Blizzbro: Yeah, lemme me go get one of the coordinators, lemme see if they can get some stuff.
Nathan/Fiero: No need.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What are you doing? What are you doing?
Liv/Elixia: What’s your plan?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Nathan.
Nathan/Fiero: Milo, I need you to get me as close as you can to the helicopter?
Afra/Milo: You want me to throw you up?
Nathan/Fiero: I need you to throw me up.
Afra/Milo: Okay. Get on my shoulders, he like picks him up.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Elastagirl and Mr Incredible. Throw me!
Afra/Milo: We do like a cheerleading lift. I mean, I toss you in the air.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll me a strength check.
Nathan/Fiero: If you don’t, that’s okay because I don’t wanna go that high.
*rolls die*
Afra/Milo: It’s 16.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You get launched like an abnormal amount in the air.
Afra/Milo: Higher than the normal person.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You don’t get to the helicopter, but…
Nathan/Fiero: I’ve seen Milo’s arms, he can catch.
Afra/Milo: Yeah he’s like running around like…
Nathan/Fiero: I still haven’t used my Firebolt spell.
Liv/Elixia: Goddamnit.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You mean, you don’t have any spells left? You’ve only got cantrip
Afra/Milo: We are getting arrested.
Nathan/Fiero: Yeah, that’s a cantrip
Nick/Lin-Dare: Fireballs?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re fucking kidding me.
Nathan/Fiero: It’s a zero, hun.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re gonna cast a Firebolt at the helicopter?
Liv/Elixia: Oh no.
Nathan/Fiero: Uh, halfway in the air, ‘preesh Milo.
Afra/Milo: No problem.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll me damage.
Nathan/Fiero: For Firebolt? 1D10. So the range I can cast is 125 feet, but I also throw pretty hard.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I don’t know how far that is in metres, but that’s enough.
Nathan/Fiero: Alright, okay okay 1D10.
Liv/Elixia: Are you gonna set a helicopter on fire?
Afra/Milo: We’re taking the helicopter down.
*rolls die*
Nathan/Fiero: Okay, a 7. We’re gonna hit it somehow.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I mean, Blizzbro’s perspective is that himbo boy has launched you in the air, and in the same moment that you’re in the air, the camera man’s camera catches fire.
Afra/Milo: He’s like, ‘This is a pretty spectacular performance.’
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And then he drops it because it’s on fire, so now it’s a little flaming doohickey falling to the ground.
Afra/Milo: And then that guy is still in the air.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Still in the air.
Nathan/Fiero: Speaking of things falling to the ground…
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You.
Nathan/Fiero: Me.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Do you want Milo to roll a dex to catch…
Afra/Milo: To catch you?
Nathan/Fiero: Milo is a collegiate, world class cheerleader.
Afra/Milo: Let’s see if I catch you.
*rolls die*
Afra/Milo: Well luckily I got a 20.
*everyone laughs*
Nathan/Fiero: Yes! Yes! Yes!
Afra/Milo: A perfect catch.
Liv/Elixia: God it would’ve been funny if you rolled a 1.
Afra/Milo: No I got a 19+1.
Nathan/Fiero: So, I hit the just the cameraman in the helicopter but not the helicopter itself?
Afra/Milo: Just the camera that’s falling down.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Just the camera.
Nathan/Fiero: Just the camera?
Afra/Milo: Milo sees that and he’s like, ‘Shit, okay I was wrong.’
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It luckily did not hit anyone but the flaming camera does hit a tree on the way down and now there is a tree on fire.
Afra/Milo: And now the tree’s on fire? Shit.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So people are running away.
Afra/Milo: Maybe we should run, too.
Nathan/Fiero: I wanna say like, ‘Hey okay, we haven’t defeated the helicopter man, or the warlock helicopter man, but only his spell book.’
Afra/Milo: I thought the contraption was what was doing the…
Nathan/Fiero: The contraption, right?
Afra/Milo: Yeah, I think I was wrong. Not the first time.
Nathan/Fiero: We can ask Blizzbro to put it out, he’s a frost wizard. Blizzbro!
Afra/Milo: Oh okay, cool.
Tyrone/Blizzbro: Bro, this is like an actual emergency right now, can we not fuck around with the roleplay?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The helicopter is now flying away because their camera is fucked.
Liv/Elixia: And also someone threw a Firebolt at them!
Nathan/Fiero: Good, good, good. Honestly, honestly objective achieved.
Afra/Milo: We got rid of the helicopter.
Nathan/Fiero: We got rid of the warlock.
Afra/Milo: But the guy’s still in the air, he’s still floating.
Nathan/Fiero: How?
Afra/Milo: I don’t know.
Nathan/Fiero: Is he still floating? Just floating floating?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He is still floating actually.
Afra/Milo: Alright, I wanna have a look around and see if I can figure anything else out.
Nathan/Fiero: Can we perceive if he’s falling with style, or is he floating?
Afra/Milo: No, he’s floating. He’s floating in the air.
Liv/Elixia: He is levitating, bitch. He is Dua Lipa-ing ‘Levitating’.
Nathan/Fiero: I’ll take that.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Over the course of the time that you’ve been there, Milo in particular, he has gotten better at it. He looks like he’s learning to fly.
Afra/Milo: Oh shit, okay.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s like, this is his first time.
Afra/Milo: What are we all worried about then, guys?
Nathan/Fiero: His face.. he looked like he was worried.
Afra/Milo: He looks like he’s having fun. He’s just getting the hang of it.
Nathan/Fiero: I have one more cantrip.
Liv/Elixia: What are you gonna do, sick guy?
Nathan/Fiero: I’m ticking them off as I go. I’ve done Firebolt, I’ve done Prestidigation, and I’ve done Find Familiar. Okay, I’m just gonna control the flames and absorb them into my body.
Afra/Milo: Okay, that’s good then.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How does that happen? ‘Cause last time you got like your bubble arms. Yeah. Last time you got like your water arms, so what’s your plan here?
Nathan/Fiero: My water arms? No, that was Control Elements. That is a level one spell, hun. This is Control Flames.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So you can extinguish? The fire is successfully put out. I was prepared to get there… actually no, put a pin in that, because Lin-dare and Elixia’s taxi-
Afra/Milo: They’ve just pulled up.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, they’re currently behind the fire, behind some sort of engine that’s some sort of mechanical device, much larger than the one you’re in and it’s got some alarms on top of it that are going off.
*firetruck alarms blare*
Liv/Elixia: Okay, I step out of the car. I throw, I’m assuming, the highest amount of paper bills at this man and I just see-
Afra/Milo: How much money do you have left?
Liv/Elixia: I don’t know.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Well, the highest would’ve been the 50, so you’ve got 27 left.
Liv/Elixia: Yeah, I’ll be fine. I storm over to Fiero and Milo and I just say, ‘What did you do?’
Afra/Milo: It wasn’t me, I promise! It wasn’t me!
Nathan/Fiero: Milo just threw me up unannounced, unprovoked.
Afra/Milo: No!
Nathan/Fiero: For no reason, and to shoot myself-
Liv/Elixia: And I’m sure Milo was the one who set it on fire as well?
Afra/Milo: No, I can’t even do that, I’m a poison dragon!
Nathan/Fiero: I needed to shoot myself back down to the ground by launching a fireball upwards and then by motion-wise, pushing me down safely in a perfect catch.
Liv/Elixia: Why?
Afra/Milo: That’s a good question.
Nathan/Fiero: Drama.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: In the distance, you’re gonna see the people that came out of the vehicle with the alarms on it talking to the people in the venue and be like,
Tyrone/Firefighter: Okay that was a false alarm so you’ve gotta pay a fine of this much.
Liv/Elixia: I mean, it’s not a false alarm if there was a fire. There’s a tree on fire!
Afra/Milo: They can see the charred tree.
Nathan/Fiero: I don’t see a fire around? Do you see a fire around?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are you fucking doing this again?
Liv/Elixia: Don’t gaslight your DM.
Nathan/Fiero: Yeah, the cat’s there, right? Okay, wait, because I can literally get the cat to jump to one of these flashing light mechanical vehicles, step on the pedal.
Afra/Milo: We’re stealing a fire truck now?
Nathan/Fiero: The cat maybe.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: There’s someone still in the vehicle.
Nick/Lin-Dare: What the hell is your alignment?
Liv/Elixia: Yeah, what is going on?
Nathan/Fiero: It’s chaotic, is one thing.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Chaotic what?
Nathan/Fiero: Chaotic good.
Liv/Elixia: I wouldn’t say chaotic good would mean steal a firetruck and set everyone you’ve ever seen on fire.
Nick/Lin-Dare: That’s just chaotic.
Nathan/Fiero: No. It’s very perspective-based on what good is.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: There’s someone in the fire engine. He’s getting the hose ready, like.
Nathan/Fiero: No, maybe he’s like cuddling up to Tabasco so much that he forgets that Tabasco hits the parking brake and then they slowly roll away.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What are you doing?
Afra/Milo: What is the plan here?
Nathan/Fiero: No, no. Okay, so, that was very ‘what could happen’.
Liv/Elixia: That’s what ran through his mind while I’m yelling at him.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Milo, what is your passive perception?
Afra/Milo: 14.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Where’s the orrery?
Afra/Milo: It’s uh, put it in my bag.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are you sure it’s still there?
Afra/Milo: Yeah, lemme check.
Liv/Elixia: I’m gonna say, ‘you found the orrery and then lost it?!’
Afra/Milo: No! I don’t know!
Nick/Lin-Dare: I’m pretty sure it’s there, keep digging.
Afra/Milo: Is it there?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You definitely remember seeing it on Milo when you caught up with him-Fiero.
Afra/Milo: Who stole it?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It has gone sometime between when Fiero has turned up and when Lin-Dare has turned up.
Liv/Elixia: I’m gonna start like swearing under my breath in Elvish.
Nathan/Fiero: When I met up with Milo…
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah you saw it there, but Elixia and Lin-dare never saw it.
Afra/Milo: Oh no. Do I remember anything about what happened between when I had it now that I don't have it?
Liv/Elixia: I’m gonna need you to remember everything that happened between now and then, Milo.
Afra/Milo: Well, there was a guy floating, and then there was a wizard or a warlock or something and then we, and then I threw Fiero in the air, and then, I don’t know.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: As you’re thinking about it, another vehicle with alarms on it is gonna turn up.
*alarms blaring*
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And Blizzbro’s gonna kinda be like,
Tyrone/Blizzbro: Oh, the cops are here, maybe we should just start going now.
Afra/Milo: I can’t believe Blizzbro’s still with us.
Liv/Elixia: Yeah, I’m gonna be like, ‘who is this guy?’
Nathan/Fiero: I’m holding onto him really tightly.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Uh yeah, he’s gonna be like
Tyrone/Blizzbro: The cops are here, maybe we should get going.
Afra/Milo: Yeah, we should get out of here.
Nathan/Fiero: Yeah I agree.
Afra/Milo: This looks like a bad situation.
Liv/Elixia: Are we gonna maybe try and find the one thing that could possibly get us home?
Afra/Milo: Yeah. It was around here somewhere!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are you going or are you staying?
Liv/Elixia: I’m gonna stay and look for this thing.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Lin-Dare will pat Milo and be like, ‘It’s okay, it’s okay dear, we’ll find it.’
Afra/Milo: Thanks. You’re the only one that’s been nice to me.
Nathan/Fiero: While we run away, are we running away? We’re running away?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I think it sounds like you’re staying.
Liv/Elixia: I’m staying.
Nathan/Fiero: Who’s staying?
Liv/Elixia: I’m finding this fucking thing.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Do a vote.
Nathan/Fiero: I vote to go with Blizzbro.
Nick/Lin-Dare: I mean, Lin-Dare hasn’t done anything, so she’ll probably try and find this orrery as well.
Nathan/Fiero: What if you get arrested?
Liv/Elixia: She hasn’t done anything!
Afra/Milo: Alright, we run, they can look for it
Nathan/Fiero: Yeah, they have nothing to do with it.
Liv/Elixia: I’m gonna grab Milo by his clothes and say, ‘You’re not going anywhere.’
Afra/Milo: Okay.
Nathan/Fiero: Was that a grab or a light tug? It’s very heavy clothing.
Liv/Elixia: It’s gonna be a grab, with every force of stress and just annoyance that she's been feeling for the past like 12 hours.
Afra/Milo: I wasn’t the one who lit the guy on fire!
Liv/Elixia: But you are the one who found the orrery, lost the orrery, pushed us into the orrery, and the reason why I was taken from the wedding in the first place!
Afra/Milo: I didn’t, I didn’t push us in!
Nathan/Fiero: There were no guys on fire, it was just some weird contraption.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Guys, Blizzbro’s gonna be like,
Tyrone/Blizzbro: What are you guys talking about? A wedding?
Nick/Lin-Dare: My children were getting married, my child was getting married to a prince.
Tyrone/Blizzbro: Oh, congratulations. Were they doing the wedding photoshoot here at Comic-Con?
Liv/Elixia: Again, who is this guy? Fiero, is he one of yours?
Nathan/Fiero: He is definitely mine.
Tyrone/Blizzbro: Hey, I’m Dave.
Afra/Milo: Hi Dave!
Liv/Elixia: Is he one of us? How do we know we can trust him? Did he take the orrery?
Afra/Milo: Does he have the orrery though?
Tyrone/Blizzbro: What’s an orrery?
Afra/Milo: Okay, he doesn’t have it.
Liv/Elixia: I don’t trust him. Have you ever heard of lying, Milo?
Nathan/Fiero: We’re leaving, okay? The sirens, they’re scary and Blizzbro says to go so I will follow Blizzbro.
Liv/Elixia: I don’t trust a damn thing Bilzzbro is saying? You know what? I’m gonna pull out my rapier!
Afra/Milo: Are you gonna threaten?
Nathan/Fiero: Thems are fighting words.
Tyrone/Blizzbro: Guys. What’s with all these prop weapons, what the hell?
Nick/Lin-Dare: I’ll have you know this was formed in the Bahamut temple. It’s a legitimate steel-alloy flail.
Nathan/Fiero: I wish I had a smoke bomb right now.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Everyone roll me investigation.
*rolls dice*
Liv/Elixia: I got a 6.
Afra/Milo: I’ve got a minus one intelligence.
Nick/Lin-Dare: I got 17.
Nathan/Fiero: 23.
Afra/Milo: I got a 14.
Nathan/Fiero: That was my best roll ever.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fiero, as you’re looking for an escape route, and you kinda like keeping your eye on the cops in the car you swear, maybe your eyes deceive you, but that these guys in the car kinda have the same sort of wings that homie with the doohickey had before they disappear.
Afra/Milo: In the cop car?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: In the cop car.
Liv/Elixia: ACAB
Nathan/Fiero: I wanna point that out to everyone. I was like, ‘These guys are bad right. They’re the ones who sent us here, they’re gonna keep us here if we stay. We need to go. We need to go now.’
Tyrone/Blizzbro: You guys want to go back to my place?
Liv/Elixia: I’ve still got my rapier and my eyes trained on Blizzbro.
Tyrone/Blizzbro: You don’t want to come back to my house?
Nathan/Fiero: I do.
Afra/Milo: Is it a cool house?
Liv/Elixia: No one’s going back to his place. We need to find the orrery.
Nathan/Fiero: Maybe the orrery is at his place. It’s not, but maybe.
Liv/Elixia: Fiero, you know damn well that the orrery’s not at his place.
Nathan/Fiero: How do you know? I’ll go with him to check. You stay here and check here, I’ll go with him to check there.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Honey
Liv/Elixia: She’s just gonna like point the rapier at him instead and be like, ‘Absolutely not.’
Nathan/Fiero: Alright, what do we do about these cops? Are they coming towards us already?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: They’re sort of in the background now, they’ve stepped out of the vehicle and they're talking to the people from the venue, like the organisers.
Nathan/Fiero: Did I find that escape path?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, you know what you sort of notice on the road these sort of larger vehicles that are travelling up. Sort of… it’s a tram.
Afra/Milo: It’s got like wires on top.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You know what? Actually, considering where we are, there's actually a horse and carriage.
Afra/Milo: Let’s jump in.
Nathan/Fiero: I see that. Can I grab frosty bro’s hand-
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Blizzbro.
Nathan/Fiero: Cool dude. And try to make a run for it, because I see the cops, right?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is Elixia gonna do anything about that? Are you gonna let them run away?
Liv/Elixia: I’m gonna try and stop them!
Nathan/Fiero: Stop me? Let’s do it.
Liv/Elixia: I’m gonna say, ‘I don’t trust this guy.’
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll me an attack? Are you gonna try and stab him?
Liv/Elixia: Not to kill. But to stop them.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Non-lethal damage.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are you gonna stab Fiero’s new boyfriend?
Nathan/Fiero: No, I’m obviously in between them.
*rolls die*
Liv/Elixia: I rolled a 4, so I probably missed.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Plus your strength modifier onto that.
Liv/Elixia: A 4, still.
Nathan/Fiero: Alright, maybe she pokes me in my pinky toe.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She just misses completely with that. You’re gonna stab the air next to them. They’ve sort of run away too quickly as they’ve gotten onto the horse and carriage.
Nathan/Fiero: Hell yeah. Hellfire yeah.
Afra/Milo: Is the horse and carriage gonna take them, though? Don’t you have to book those things?
Liv/Elixia: Are they gonna steal a horse?
Nathan/Fiero: If Blizzbro was just half air stabbed, she stabbed us right? But hit the air. The fear alone, he would like jump on, whip out his cool-ass wallet.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah for sure. He’d be like,
Tyrone/Blizzbro: Please take us away, there’s this lady with a sword coming after us!
Afra/Milo: Alright, bye I guess.
*horse gallop and carriage ambience*
Nathan/Fiero: Also, Tabasco’s still with Milo. So I am still technically there.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, sure.
Afra/Milo: He loves me more than you now.
Nathan/Fiero: That’s fine! Because there’s one thing I can do that you’ll find out later on. Continue.
Liv/Elixia: I’m gonna again like swear under my breath in Elvish, put away my rapier, turn back to Milo and be like, ‘Okay so where did you find the orrery?’
Afra/Milo: It was just on a table inside. It was just there. They let me have it.
Liv/Elixia: Who let you have it?
Afra/Milo: The vendor guy.
Liv/Elixia: Did you talk to him about where he got it?
Afra/Milo: Yeah, I was like what’s this? He was like I’ve never seen that before! So… that’s mine! Well, it’s not.
Liv/Elixia: Lin-Dare, do you have any ideas?
Nick/Lin-Dare: Well, Milo, if you can show me where you’ve been, maybe it just dropped on the floor or something.
Afra/Milo: Okay, let’s retrace my steps.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, roll that investigation one more time. Everyone expect for Fiero, who is not here anymore.
*rolls dice*
Afra/Milo: Ooh, I got a 20.
Nick/Lin-Dare: I got an 18.
Liv/Elixia: 19.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: With a natural 20, you’re going to see back inside, back in the marketplace, in one of the back corners, you can see the zap of the familiar purple magic stuff that came off the orrery last time he was working on it.
Afra/Milo: Alright, I’m running, I’m booking it to see what happened?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re booking it?
Afra/Milo: Yeah, I’m running. I’m like, ‘Where am I going?’
Nathan/Fiero: Was this purple anywhere near a carriage darting away?
Afra/Milo: No, it was inside!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re the one who ran away.
Nathan/Fiero: No, I’m just saying, alright okay, someone here was wrong.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: We’re gonna put a pin in that for five seconds so we can resolve this. Blizzbro’s gonna be like,
Tyrone/Blizzbro: Your friends are fucking crazy.
Nathan/Fiero: You have no idea. I love them.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s gonna like pat his pockets and be like,
Tyrone/Blizzbro: I think I dropped my wallet. We have to go back, I guess.
Afra/Milo: Uh-oh. Can’t get the horse. Guess you’ll have to come with us!
Tyrone/Blizzbro: Should we go back?
Nathan/Fiero: Do we just jump off? Should we just not pay and jump off?
Afra/Milo: You haven’t even gone anywhere!
Nathan/Fiero: So we escaped on a carriage and it just stopped there?
Liv/Elixia: Did you already leave?
Nathan/Fiero: Yeah!
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: They started going.
Afra/Milo: Oh, they started going?
Nathan/Fiero: Hyah! They’re like “I’m just waiting for you to give me your credit card details.”
Liv/Elixia: I didn’t know if you left or not.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: They’re just gonna be like,
Tyrone/Blizzbro: 3, 2, 1, jump!
Nathan/Fiero: I’m scared of heights.
Liv/Elixia: How high is a horse? You were thrown in the air to shoot at a helicopter.
Nathan/Fiero: No Blizzbro! No! Yeah, I’ll hold onto his hand, 10/10, sexy hands.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You get flashbacks to your golf scene.
Nathan/Fiero: You know what this is? Ghost.
Liv/Elixia: I was gonna say, *imitates Careless Whisper*
Nathan/Fiero: Oh, my love. My darling. And then we’re just moulding clay together, but instead of clay it’s like spells, right? I hunger for your touch.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’ve never seen Ghost, I’m gonna tell you right now.
Afra/Milo: I haven’t watched it either.
Nathan/Fiero: So Demi Moore and Patrick, I wanna say Swayze…
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh, I know the premise. I know the pottery scene.
Nathan/Fiero: Yeah, that’s all you need to know, That’s the hand action stuff. When he’s like, you need to do this kind of incantation.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No one can see you.
Nathan/Fiero: No, they can, ‘cause they’ve seen Ghost. Everyone picture Ghost right now.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You guys are running back?
Nathan/Fiero: We are heading back to find the wallet.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, and action back on the other one, is Elixia and Lin-Dare also chasing?
Afra/Milo: I saw something!
Liv/Elixia: I’m walking at a brisk fast pace.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’m picturing Elixia being fucking like Nemesis from Resident Evil, just a very fast paced, but never a run.
Liv/Elixia: Yeah, like I don't run. Especially not like this.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Kinda like angry walking.
Afra/Milo: Oh, I thought you wanted to find this thing?
Liv/Elixia: I do, but I’m also like, I don’t wanna look desperate.
Afra/Milo: Alright, well Milo’s fucking booking it.
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Milo’s booking it.
Afra/Milo: What do I see? Is he still there? Is anything there?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: In the corner, you’re gonna see this fellow tinkering away at his orrery without his wings.
Afra/Milo: I’m grabbing him.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Is it the same one from before?
Milo/Afra: Same guy?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Same guy.
Afra/Milo: I’m grabbing him, first thing.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Lin-Dare gonna be like, ‘You-’
Liv/Elixia: I don’t even say anything, I just pull out my sword.
Nick/Lin-Dare: Send us home! Send us back, please!
Tyrone/Moth Man: It’s you guys!
Liv/Elixia: My rapier is at his throat!
Afra/Milo: ‘What did you do to us?’ Milo’s like shaking him like, ‘Take me home! I want my horns back!’
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Blizzbro and Fiero, he’s looking for his wallet because he can’t find it anywhere, I wanna say because Elixia took it.
Liv/Elixia: Yeah I did!
Nathan/Fiero: You know what? I believe that.
Liv/Elixia: I didn’t trust him from the second I saw him. I mean, the wallet is being taken.
Nathan/Fiero: And were you right or wrong about that?
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And from across the room, you’re gonna see Lin-dare, Elixia, Milo and some other figure kind of just blip away.
Liv/Elixia: No!
*dramatic ambience*
Theme Song: *rock music plays*
Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast
Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Thank you for listening to Portal Quandary. Portal Quandary is made possible by the following people: Afra Child as Milo, myself Tyrone Cross as Dungeon Master and Editor, Nathan Lee as Fiero, Nick Fairleigh as Lin-Dare, and Liv Ryan as Elixia. Elias Moffat is our Content Producer and Narrative Consultant. Rhiannon Davidson is our Community Manager, Lachlan Fardy is our Sound Designer, and Amelia Nemet is our Transcriber. The theme song is Belly of the Beast by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas, and if you need to contact us you can do so at portalquandary@gmail.com. This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people, and produced on the lands of the Anawan, Awabakal, Birpai, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past, present and emerging leaders.
Theme Song: *rock music continues*
Finding home in the belly of the beast, (in the belly of the beast), to make it home we can’t accept defeat, (there’s no turning back) so roll the dice and come along with me, (come along with me, let’s go), finding home in the belly of the beast.
*laughter*
Nathan/Fiero: How about mike-ro-wa-vay for my mics name? Instead of mick-ro-wa-vay? It’s Mike. Mike Crotch! I’ve got a telephone here for Mike Crotch. Side note, I think I want to delve into necromancy.