Episode 10: The Essence of Earth

The group returns to Lambence and has a history lesson about the Summer Court. Noah has fun with a new skill, while Timmit  finds his footing with the others. Meanwhile, new information arises about Kyros's role in the current state of events.

Content warnings for this week’s episode include coarse language.

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Dungeon Master, Community Manager, and Editing is Tyrone Cross      

Noah is Steven Edwards

Timothy and Editing Assistant is Olive Jerome

Lucille is Rosemary Ochtman

Magnolia is Jorja Odd

  Elias Moffat is our Content Producer and Narrative Consultant

Jemma Law is our Transcriber

Theme song is “Belly of The Beast” by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas (@lilyharnath & @henrylucas5)

Email us at portalquandary@gmail.com 

Sound effects used in this episode include:

Magic - RICHERlandTV

Nostro9 - levelclearer

intro_DESERT2 - levelclearer

ROCKCrsh_Huge Rock Landslide With Partial Collapse_EM - newlocknew

Dark Teleport - oldestmillenial

190621_0380_FR_JapaneseDrums - kevp888

Intro_snow4 - levelclearer

PORTAL LOG IN - Alex_hears_things

This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, Bunerong, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders. 

The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased) is intended or should be inferred.

Transcript

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Portal Quandary has some content warnings that you can find in the episode description. 

Olive/Timmit: I’ll walk up and just kind of, “Thank you. It was an honour battling with you, and I very much appreciate this prize,” and I’ll reach out and I’ll take the stone in my hands *echos* stone in my hands, stone in my hands. 

*elevator ding*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Timmit is crushing this whole orientation thing. Sort of. Or - he will! Just as soon as he works on his handshake game. And gets out of this stupid elevator with Alec. Once the other guy notices him, Timmit is going to give him the most intimidating stare-down of all-

Olive/Timmit: Oh gods is the elevator falling?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: For a split second, Timmit feels like he’s falling, and then he’s weightless. The elevator, Alec and his stupid clipboard, all of it is gone.

Olive/Timmit:  Why is everything so purple?? I really thought I was done with the whole hazing thing?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sights Timmit can’t comprehend flash before his eyes - a whole planet covered in vibrant green - a metropolitan scape too big to be anything that exists on Earth - a swirling vortex of purple hues. Each sight only exists for a few seconds before Timmit is whisked away, falling without gravity and never landing.

Olive/Timmit: I think I’m gonna be sick. No! I overcame first day jitters. I will overcome this. D-definitely. Uh. Maybe. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The falling sensation fades, and Timmit feels like he’s suspended in the air by the grace of the winds around him alone, stuck in a haze of lavender. Until a yellow figure breaks through the clouds. Timmit spies a figure hurtling through the turbulent space, something that looks like a person except for the giant wings at their back, beating against the wind. Their sandy hair is tossed about by the wind, but they move with a sense of surety Timmit recognises. It’s the same confidence his mother exudes when she’s dressed in scrubs and readying a scalpel.

Olive/Timmit: Uh, hey! Hey you!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Timmit doesn’t think he can even hear his own voice, but the figure’s gaze snaps to him. Their face, a mask of concentration, twists into horror when they lock eyes. He manoeuvres toward Timmit, fighting the gale with several powerful wingbeats. The figure’s mouth is moving, the words becoming audible as he gets closer. 

Tyrone/Kyros: Solanales above! I can’t believe there’s another one!

Olive/Timmit: Another - a what? I- I’m sorry what’s-?

Tyrone/Kyros:  I’m terribly sorry about this! Listen - don’t close your eyes, or the vertigo will make you sick!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The figure shouts. Timmit tries to respond, but the winds surrounding them become so frenzied that the figure is pulled away, and Timmit goes flying. He clenches his eyes shut and waits for his inevitable death. He slowly comes to, nausea coursing through him. He’s lying in the mud. A school of luminescent fish flit by casually, as though Timmit is underwater. . .or the fish are in the air?

*portal SFX*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And then you feel the pyramid start to rumble as bits of rubble start falling from the ceiling above you. 

Olive/Timmit: Okay, time to go. Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go. 

Theme Song: *rock music plays*

Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Hello, and welcome back to episode ten of Portal Quandary Prophis. We hit the bit one O. The big double digits, and prepare as we freeze time.

*mystical SFX*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Just like that. Because we’re about to talk about our level up before we deal with the problem that is the pyramid crumbling and falling all around us. Anyone want to volunteer to go first? Lucille that sounds like something you’d like to do. 

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, does it? Really? Oh alright, I’ll go. So, Lucille has basically gotten a little bit lucky, so she’s going to have quite a bit of luck in her turns now. Which may cause chaos and annoy people, but that’s kind of what she’s about. She’s also got some pretty cool new spells that she randomly came across. Just popped into them. Decided to get a little familiar goat because she misses her goats. Pretty exciting stuff really, hey.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I feel like that’s the Silvery Barbs coming through. Coming through into your being now, making you luckier.

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, it’s kind of imbued as a part of her now.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Hell yes. Who’s the next victim? Who would like to go next?

Olive/Timmit: I could go next. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Do it.

Olive/Timmit: Alright then. Well, this level up Timmit has had a couple of ideas for some new spells, so we’ll see how that goes. Following along with the same trope of trying to get some abilities to help out his new friends, and he has also learnt how to control some of his elemental abilities, and shape them better to his advantage and scenarios that he’s in, and I’d say that’s about all for Timmit.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’m very excited for this because of how elemental Prophis is as a whole. It’s going to play very well to the story and possibly the battles in the future. Alright, Magnolia, Noah, rock, paper, scissors. See who goes first. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Ro-sham-bo. One, two, three. *laughter* One, two, three. *laughter* One, two, three. *laughter* One, two, three. I’ll go! That would go on for years! Okay, Magnolia. She is feeling a bit more skilled, and like she can understand nature a bit more, and she feels so healthy. She feels like her constitution went up. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, I feel like the skilled nature is probably coming from all this different aetherbloom that she’s been collecting. The chaotic mushrooms you’ve been collecting. The experiments she’s been doing.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes. She’s been really trying to understand the nature here, and apply her knowledge to the nature here, and it’s starting to pay off.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: There’s no one else to go, Noah. You’ve got to go. 

Steven/Noah: Hi, I’m Noah. So, what did happen on level up? Basically, curiosity is increasing for Noah. He’s thinking about some new ways to infuse magic into mundane objects, and he’s feeling very close with Skittles. Skittles is really becoming his best friend, very closely, and he’s feeling like he can almost think of something and Skittles just does it, so he’s trying to explore that aspect a bit more of his life. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’m very excited to see how this level up plays out for us all.

Steven/Noah: Me too. 

Olive/Timmit: Me three.

Rosie/Lucille: Me four.

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m not.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And unfreeze time.

*mystical SFX*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The pyramid is crumbling around you. You’ve got bits of the roof falling in. You already know that the room has gotten smaller and smaller throughout that fight. There doesn’t seem to be a way out, and then you hear. Baa. Baa. 

Rosie/Lucille: Oh my god, a goat! Everyone follow the goat!

Olive/Timmit: Is there another option?

Rosie/Lucille: It's the goat or nothing. It’s always just goats. It’s all there is. Goats. 

Jorja/Magnolia: I guess we go to the goats.

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille’s already running towards the goats, or flying to wherever the goat noise is.

Olive/Timmit: Where is it coming from?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can see that one of the walls is starting to get bashed in. Most of the rubble is happening from the ceiling, but there’s one portion of wall where there is some cracks starting to form, and the baas are coming from there. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Can I quickly cast Speak With Animals?

Tyrone/Goat: Quickly friends!

Jorja/Magnolia: This is the best spell. 

Tyrone/Goat:We’re trying to get you out. Come on!

Jorja/Magnolia: Wait, okay, Lucille’s right! Go to the goats! Go to the goats! Quick!

Olive/Timmit: Before we run off, I’ll go past Margaret who’s still up. 

Rosie/Lucille: Or will you goat past Margaret?

Jorja/Magnolia: No, I think he’ll go.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh. It was funny.

Olive/Timmit: I’m going to go past Margaret, and I’ll swipe the little deceased crystal body of Honey Boo Boo out of her hands, and just say, “Okay, thank you so much. Bye”, and the Margaret will cease to exist in front of me.

Tyrone/Margaret:Yeah, bye! It’s been real great having this trip to Egy-

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:And she’s gone, and the wall cracks through, and there’s a small tunnel that these goats have made as six goats storm into the room through the hole that they’ve made.. You can see daylight- Sorry, not daylight. Moonlight coming through.

Olive/Timmit: Okay. Goat. *nauseated sound*

Rosie/Lucille: I’m going to try get on one of the back of the goats and ride it through the tunnel.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The tunnel is a bit too small for that. They only had enough room for their body to go through. They don’t have room for your body on top of them.

Rosie/Lucille: Well that is wildly disappointing.

Tyrone/Goat: Quickly now. Follow me to safety.

Jorja/Magnolia: Guys, follow the really charismatic goat in the front. 

Steven/Noah: Alright Skittle. Hya! Honey Boo Boo, Beeyonce, follow me. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Ugh.

Rosie/Lucille: Awkward.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Going through the tunnel just in time. One by one. Magnolia, then Lucille, then Timmit, then Noah, then Skittles, then Beeyonce, and that’s everyone.

Steven/Noah: Oh god, we made it. Has anyone seen Honey Boo Boo?

Rosie/Lucille: Remember when you asked Honey Boo Boo to help me?

Steven/Noah: No. I don’t really remember what happened in the last day. I was severely heatstroked.

Rosie/Lucille: Well, you asked Honey Boo Boo to help me, and then, just..

Olive/Timmit: “Honey Boo Boo”. I’ll take the crystal and I’ll hold it out to Noah. 

Steven/Noah: “Ah. Heck. She died. Okay, thanks.” I’m just going to take the gem and put it in one of my many many pockets. Think about life for a bit. I am a bit down.

Olive/Timmit: You’re a little blue?

Steven/Noah: I’m a little blue. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And then, you can see the pyramid fully collapse into rubble as you stand next to it. It feels very action movie, I feel. 

*landslide SFX*

Rosie/Lucille: Did all the goats get out?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: All the goats got out. You know who they’re running towards? They’re running towards Onyx as he stands by the remains of the pyramid. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Ooo.

Tyrone/Goat: Onyx told us you were in danger, so we came to find you.

Jorja/Magnolia: “Thanks buddy,” and I’ll scratch his little head. 

Rosie/Lucille: “Is it because we saved you?” Are these the same goats we saved? Or are they different goats? Are there different goats?

Tyrone/Goat: I would never forget a face like Magnolia. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah baby! No one knows that he said that though. I’ll scratch him more. “Oh, you’re so sweet”. 

Tyrone/Onyx: Ahem.

Steven/Noah: I’m just going to think in Timmit’s direction. Just be like, “What the hell is she talking about? Is she talking to goats? Weird”

Olive/Timmit: “Ah, what? Where? Who?” Timmit will look around for a second, then look at Noah.

Steven/Noah: Yes?

Olive/Timmit: Yeah. Yeah she is.

Steven/Noah: Huh?

Olive/Timmit: Huh?

Steven/Noah: What? 

Olive/Timmit: Huh?

Steven/Noah: You understand what I was saying? 

Olive/Timmit: No, I- Did you just-?

Steven/Noah: Hold on. Then I’ll just telepathically, “Can you hear me?”

Olive/Timmit: Umm, yeah. Yeah I can.

Steven/Noah: I am beyond comprehension. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: This is a one sided conversation as you’re telepathically speaking but Timmit is speaking out loud. 

Olive/Timmit: What’s new!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Everyone just thinks you’re talking to Margaret or something still. 

Jorja/Magnolia: It’s just the mirror image of Magnolia talking to goats.

*laughter*

Olive/Timmit: I’m always talking to Margaret. Even when she’s not around.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay psychopath.

Tyrone/Onyx: Ahem.

Steven/Noah: Oh hey Onyx. What’s up?

Tyrone/Onyx: You’re welcome. I saw that the pyramid was collapsing and so I got some of our, what did you call them?

Rosie/Lucille: Goats.

Tyrone/Onyx: Goats. We got some of these goats to come and help you since you seem to be so fond of them.

Steven/Noah: Yeah, cheers. That was really, really helpful.

Rosie/Lucille: We probably would have been fine without your help though, you know.

Olive/Timmit: I mean, realistically, there could have been any better option than goats.

Steven/Noah: Don’t listen to them. They’re completely wrong.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, he just doesn’t like animals. These goats are so good. I love them so much.

Tyrone/Goat: Baa. Keep doing that. It’s good.

Jorja/Magnolia: “And he loves me.” I’ll scratch him more. 

Olive/Timmit: I don’t know if you should be touching that. You don’t know where it’s been. 

Rosie/Lucille: Actually, goats have many health benefits.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah. You touch it. It feels nice.

Olive/Timmit: I strongly disagree, and what are you talking about? Benefits of health? What-

Rosie/Lucille: Health benefits from goats.

Olive/Timmit: Like what?

Rosie/Lucille: Wouldn’t you like to know?

Olive/Timmit: I mean, yeah.

Rosie/Lucille: I mean, I should go into it right now. Like, I could talk about how their fur has this kind of oil in it that when you rub your hands through it it helps with your skin. So if you run your hands through the goats fur and then rub it onto your cheeks, you’ll actually get a really nice sheen to it. 

Olive/Timmit: Did you fucking Google this? Or are you making this up?

Rosie/Lucille: Mate, I’m an encyclopaedia.

Jorja/Magnolia: You look over and Magnolia’s just rubbing her hands on her cheeks. 

You look over and Onyx is tying the goats to a cart situation with a canopy roof over it. 

Rosie/Lucille: Excuse me sir. Where are you taking the goats?

Tyrone/Onyx: The goats are going to take us back to the city. 

Rosie/Lucille: Then what?

Tyrone/Onyx: I have a very important event to attend, and I assume that you want to go back to the city as well. 

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, but I meant what happens with the goats? 

Tyrone/Onyx: The goats will be paraded in this event. 

Rosie/Lucille: “Like gods”. Lucille’s pretty pleased with this. 

Tyrone/Onyx: Get into the cart.

Olive/Timmit: Okay. 

Steven/Noah: Yeah, Noah’s going to get into the cart, but he doesn’t realise that Onyx is very, very angry with us. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Magnolia is going to get into the cart, because she doesn’t want whatever Noah had. 

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille’s not going to get into the cart, and is just going to fly alongside it in defiance.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It is considerably cooler as well because it is nighttime in the desert, so it should help exhaustion, but you guys got your long rest from the Astrotheran, so you’re feeling okay. 

Olive/Timmit: As we climb in and I imagine we start moving, I’ll just look up at Onyx, and, “So, I know we didn’t have the most pleasant meeting of the first introductions. I know you already know this, but hi. I’m Timmit. Thank you for saving us even if it was goats.”

Tyrone/Onyx: You’re welcome.

Jorja/Magnolia: I just lean over to Noah, and I’m like, “Oh yeah. We pissed him off real bad.”

Steven/Noah: When? What? When? What? Why?

Jorja/Magnolia: So, while we were travelling Lucille saw goats, and wanted to free them.

Steven/Noah: I vaguely remember goats, yes. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, so we freed them. They were his goats, and he got upset.

Steven/Noah: Oh.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah.

Steven/Noah: We probably shouldn’t have done that. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Probably not, but I do seem to remember that the goats said that they didn’t want to go where they were going, so…

Steven/Noah: You can talk to goats?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah. 

Steven/Noah: That’s cool.

Jorja/Magnolia: I know.

Tyrone/Onyx: Let me tell you a story about why it’s so important that Lucille let the Exos go. 

Steven/Noah: Noah’s just going to telepathically talk to these two, and be like, “Ooo, he mad.”

Tyrone/Onyx: What do you know of our situation with Glamos?

Rosie/Lucille: Big bad. Need to go away.

Tyrone/Onyx: That’s a good summarisation. Anyone else?

Steven/Noah: Noah’s just going to pour over his notes. “Yeah, that’s pretty much it.”

Tyrone/Onyx: No one else?

Olive/Timmit: Sorry, I’m still kind of newish here. Glamos is which one again? Who? 

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh my god, everyone’s looking at me. Holy shit. 

Steven/Noah: You’re the nature bitch.

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, it’s you.

Jorja/Magnolia: Fuck. 

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille knows nothing. 

Jorja/Magnolia: So, have you seen all of those golden reed things?

Olive/Timmit: I think I saw some, yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You guys did an experiment together with it.

Jorja/Magnolia: So, you remember those golden reed things?

Olive/Timmit: Yes, yes I do remember those.

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh, so smart. “That’s part of it all. That creeps towards their city, and then they need to teleport away from it.

Olive/Timmit: I mean, it doesn’t really seem that harmful.

Tyrone/Onyx: Yes, but then we have nowhere to grow our crops. Nowhere to harvest our animals. Nowhere to mine our minerals. It is useless.

Rosie/Lucille: Just do what we do on the farm when we have a lantana infestation.

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh my god, not the lantana drop.

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah lantana. You know, you get it here? 

Jorja/Magnolia: Lantana’s a very invasive species that’s incredibly hard to kill.

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, so kind of like Glamos, but it’s got some pink flowers on it.

Tyrone/Onyx: What do you do?

Rosie/Lucille: Set it on fire?

Tyrone/Onyx: And will that make the minerals come back?

Rosie/Lucille: Oh yeah, sure. Yeah, fire. Fire makes things happen. Sometimes when you set fire to things, the grass grows really green. We do that on the farm all Tyrone/Onyx: the time. I take the goats off. I put the goats in the creek.

Tyrone/Onyx: Will that bring back the medicinal plants in Neptis? 

Rosie/Lucille: I don’t know that, do I? 

Tyrone/Onyx: The answer is no, Lucille. No, it won’t.

Rosie/Lucille: Have you tried it?

Tyrone/Onyx: Yes. We have.

Rosie/Lucille: Really? You set fire to it?

Tyrone/Onyx: We have been here for a millennia. We have tried an abundance of things. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Did you try with magic fire or normal fire? 

Tyrone/Onyx: We tried both.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay, cool.

Tyrone/Onyx: So here’s the deal. Our scouts can’t seem to find another land to teleport to. We don’t know where we’re going next Moving Day. So, we need Kyros to come back, so then we can teleport back home. Otherwise that’s the end for us.

Rosie/Lucille: Alright, but what’s that got to do with the goats?

Tyrone/Onyx: What do you know of our history of why we’re here in Prophis? 

Rosie/Lucille: Nothing.

Olive/Timmit: I don’t know, could I roll a history check?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sure. 

Jorja/Magnolia: I was about to say, ‘Can I?’ It’s a plus zero.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Timmit: It’s a thirteen. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah I got a nat twenty. I’m intelligent. 

Olive/Timmit: For a total?

Jorja/Magnolia: Twenty. 

*laughter*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, Timmit, you remember seeing a few books around Cleary’s workshop, and Cleary’s made passing comments about how they’ve been banished to this world. You don’t remember what they’ve been banished by, but you remember they’ve been banished here, and they’re trying to return back home. With a nat twenty, however, Magnolia will remember a bit more. Because she’s been here a bit longer as well. She knows that this is just one court of fairies. The Summer Court, and they were banished by the Winter Court from their home world because The Winter Court wanted to limit magic. They wanted to be the only ones in control of magic, but The Summer Court disagreed, and so The Winter Court got rid of anyone that disagreed with them, being The Summer Court. 

Rosie/Lucille: Seems a bit unfair.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You don’t know that. 

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, I mean, I don’t know that, but I know that. I mean Lucille doesn’t. I do.

Olive/Timmit: Well it seems that The Spring and the Autumn Court knew when to shut up. I mean, if it’s just The Summer Court here.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Do you say that out loud? 

Olive/Timmit: No, no, ‘cause that’s all that you remember. I don’t remember any of that. I’m just making that comment. 

Jorja/Magnolia: This is Olive speaking.

Olive/Timmit: Hello. 

Jorja/Magnolia: I do actually remember something about how you guys were banished because you didn’t want The Winter Court to control all magic, which now that I’m thinking about it, it’s kind of weird that the Glamos goes towards magic areas, and didn’t want you to have magic. So, that’s cool. Might be something to look into. 

Tyrone/Onyx: You are right, it is a, what’s the word? A curse to us isn’t it? We wanted to rebel against the freedom of the magic, and now we are cursed for using magic. 

Rosie/Lucille:  Now I am a bit of a history buff. I do enjoy my history, and I want to know why you let yourselves be banished? 

Jorja/Magnolia: Sorry, what has that got anything to do with history?

Rosie/Lucille:  Well, you know, like the ins and outs of it. Like, why wasn’t there a fight back? Why didn’t you banish them? Why did you let yourself be banished? 

Olive/Timmit: Well she’s so interested in history because she got to live through it. In comparison to all of us. 

*laughter*

Jorja/Magnolia: True. She has seen more history than we have. 

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille’s just evil eyeing you all. 

Steven/Noah: Noah’s just going to telepathically be like, “Good one Timmit. That was a good one.”

Olive/Timmit: Timmit will just grin to himself, and then look up at Lucille, and be like, “Hehe.”

Tyrone/Onyx: Well you see, from what the history books tell us - I’m not that old that I was there - but from what we’ve been told, they made a strong spell, a strong charm, in secret that overcame us. They put a glamour over the world, if you would, that stripped everyone of their magic.

Rosie/Lucille:  So, kind of like a nuclear bomb but magic, right?

Tyrone/Onyx: I don’t know what that is. 

Olive/Timmit: I would say so, yeah. Probably. 

Tyrone/Onyx: Now coming around to my original point. When we get there, we’re not coming back to somewhere nice. We’re not having a field day at home, and all will be rejoiced. We’re coming back to potentially a war still, and we need supplies like food. Like the Exos, and if you take away our resources, it’s basically a criminal charge here.

Steven/Noah: I would just like to say I had heat stroke, and I did not realise what was going on, and I definitely would have stood up for you and your food had I been of sound mind.

Tyrone/Onyx: Yeah, they didn’t prepare you for Theran very well, did they mate?

Steven/Noah: No they did not, and now I’m fucking blue. 

Jorja/Magnolia: To be fair, that happened once we were inside the pyramid. It wasn’t a heat related one. 

Steven/Noah: I don’t know how it happened. The last twenty-four hours are just gone. 

Tyrone/Onyx: I thought it might have been a trick of the moonlight, but now that you point it out.

Steven/Noah: Yeah, no, I’m blue mate.

Tyrone/Onyx: Can I ask what happened there?

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh, yeah. You picked up a mushroom.

Tyrone/Onyx: Not Cleary’s mushrooms?

Olive/Timmit: Yeah.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah.

Steven/Noah: Is that bad?

Tyrone/Onyx: They’re not dangerous.

Steven/Noah: But is it bad?

Olive/Timmit: I’m sure Cleary will be able to fix it. I mean, she’s pretty talented.

Jorja/Magnolia: And she’s so pretty.

Steven/Noah: Okay. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Can’t wait to get back.

Olive/Timmit: Calm down, jeez. So what window frame are we looking at for this whole going back home things for you guys?

Tyrone/Onyx: Well, we haven’t seen Glamos on the horizon yet, so that’s a good start; however, we estimate two to three weeks.

Jorja/Magnolia: Well I mean, I’m sure you can tell, but we don’t know what’s happening half the time, so we didn’t know that you needed to stockpile your food, and Exos, and whatever, so I’m sorry for that. The goats did say that they didn’t want to go, so I was just basing my actions on that small bit of information, but now that we know, it won’t happen again. 

Tyrone/Onyx: The king and I will be awaiting your public apology. 

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m not a great public speaker. I tend to get a bit clammy and stammer, and also just… How public are we talking?

Steven/Noah: Noah’s just going to whisper into a rock, and then hold it out in front of everyone, and it’s going to say, “From the deepest hearts, we are so very sorry for the things that we have done against you and your court, and we ask for the entire forgiveness of everyone. Sorry.” It’s going to be crisp, clear, calm, like a speech.

Tyrone/Onyx: The event we’re heading to is going to involve the whole city, so that’s the perfect time.

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh okay. Well, can you do that again?

Steven/Noah: Yes.

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh, thank god. Okay, well that’s that settled. That’s fine. We can move past that. We’re friends again. Anyway, and then, what we know is that we need to keep getting these essences to help build that machine.

Rosie/Lucille: Basically slave labour.

Tyrone/Onyx: Again, Kyros has already built our machine. This machine is for you. 

Rosie/Lucille Oh yeah, that’s right.

Steven/Noah: I’m just going to telepathically speak to Lucille because I haven’t done that yet. I’m just going to say, “Lucille, this is your conscience. That was kind of a dick thing to say.”

*laughter*

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille’s not going to say anything, but really quietly just sit down in the cart and think about some things. 

Tyrone/Onyx Kyros should be back any day now, though it has been some nights now since he left. Kyros built this machine to- He is testing it at the moment to head back home so that he can come back and open it for everyone to come back to. Should be any day now.

Jorja/Magnolia: You keep saying that, but clearly something went wrong. Where people from our world went into your world. What’s to say that it didn’t go wrong on his end too, and he isn’t capable of coming back just yet?

Tyrone/Onyx Parav did mention that you maybe saw someone in the portal?

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh yeah, yeah. It was like a blue person. They looked not healthy by my standards, but I don’t know if that’s normal here. 

Steven/Noah: Blue is not normal.

Jorja/Magnolia: You’re fine. It’s fine. You’re fine.

Olive/Timmit: You could probably make it normal. 

Jorja/Magnolia: You’re pulling it off so well.

Steven/Noah: Oh my god guys. Stop.

Olive/Timmit: I remember I saw someone when I came through here. They weren’t blue. It was like a yellow light, and it was almost kind of angelic. They had these wings and this yellowy, kind of sandy aura about them. 

Tyrone/Onyx You saw Kyros!?

Olive/Timmit: That’s Kyros? 

Tyrone/Onyx Did they have moth wings!?

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You just see his eyes go into shock basically. He shuts the fuck up. He’s like, ‘Oh god’.

Jorja/Magnolia: See? I told you. It could have gone really wrong.

Tyrone/Onyx You need to speak about this with Cleary the moment you can. 

Olive/Timmit: Can I cast Gift of Gab?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay.

Olive/Timmit: Okay, so I’m going to cast Gift of Gab, so…

*magically humming*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Doesn’t that affect everybody? Not just Onyx?

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, each creature within five feet of your choice forgets everything within the last six seconds. Yeah, okay. I’m going to do that to just Onyx, so as seen as I see him do that, and I see the look in his eyes, I’m going to realise, ‘Maybe that wasn’t a good way to do that. Okay, hold on’, and I’ll reshape it so that instead of describing that character I’ll say, “You know when I came through I could have sworn that I had seen someone, but I couldn’t really make out who it was. It was just this calming voice that was trying to help me, but I don’t know. Could it have been the same? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Everyone else knows exactly what you said before. 

Steven/Noah: Oh, we hear both?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, do we hear both? Okay.

Steven/Noah: Noah’s just going to write a couple of things down in his book. A couple of circles around someone’s whose name is Timmit. 

Olive/Timmit: I’ll just nervously look over, and, “Hmm.”

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, so what’s to say, what if one of the other two people saw something? What if one’s Kyros? We don’t know. It could have gone wrong.

Tyrone/Onyx: Perhaps a discussion we should have with Cleary and the king. Possibly, we might be able to aid you in your adventure in exchange for the entire city also getting to use your device, but that’s a discussion for the king. I cannot make such decisions. I am but a lonely subset of one division of the entire council. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Don’t put yourself down like that. You’re cool. You have authority.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, you couldn’t possibly be lonely. You’ve got all these goats. 

Rosie/Lucille: “Yeah Onyx, you’re cool”. Lucille’s going to do that, and look over, and do her best at pulling a genuine smile.

Steven/Noah: Well done Lucille. That was great at showing human kindness.

Rosie/Lucille: Wait, is that in my head or in?

Steven/Noah: That’s in your head.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh god. Lucille’s proper freaked out now. She’s like, “The gods! They’ve found me after all these years!”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Would you guys like to talk about anything else before…

Steven/Noah: Not out loud.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Let’s skip over some time until we arrive at the city. It’s dawn by the time we arrive at the walls of Lambence, and we have to disengage from the cart, and get onto the little elevator again.

Jorja/Magnolia: I quickly scratch all the goats.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I guess the spell would have ended, hey?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah it ended, but I’m like, “I love you guys. You’re so good. You’re so good”

Tyrone/Goat: Baa.

Steven/Noah: You can see it in their eyes.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah.

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille’s going to quickly rub her hands into one of them and rub them on her face. 

Jorja/Magnolia: After I’ve done it, after slowly walking away from them I put them on the tops of my ears.

Tyrone/Onyx: I’m going to fly ahead because I have some duties to attend to, but see you at the castle.

Rosie/Lucille: Bye friend.

Olive/Timmit: Bye. It was a pleasure to meet you again.

Jorja/Magnolia: See you. Love you. Bye. 

Tyrone/Onyx: Ciao

*elevator winch and chains*

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*elevator winch and chains*

*ceremonial drums slowly fade in*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You get to the top of the wall and you can see the Kingsgrove more clearly now. You can see its pink petals slowly swaying in the breeze as leaves come down every now and then, and you can see celebration, but a different sort of celebration from Moving Day. Moving Day was primal, dancing, chaotic. This is much more formal, organised. Everyone’s wearing floral robes, and you can see a procession happening where a parade is going to be organised through the streets. 

Olive/Timmit: Okay, so we’re back now. Should we go see Cleary?

Steven/Noah: Probably.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes.

Olive/Timmit: Okay, alright.

Steven/Noah: Down girl! But yes.

Olive/Timmit: Alright, let’s go then. Should we tell her that I saw…?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, so I have a question. 

Olive/Timmit: Hi.

Steven/Noah: I also have a question.

Jorja/Magnolia: What the fuck? What the fuck?

Olive/Timmit: What?

Jorja/Magnolia: You said one thing, and then you said another thing, and he didn’t react to the first thing.

Olive/Timmit: Oh. Oh, I’m just a lawyer.

*laughter*

Jorja/Magnolia: No, no, no, no, no. No.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah.

Jorja/Magnolia: No.

Olive/Timmit: It’s just the trade of the craft. It’s just how you do things.

Steven/Noah: Noah is writing all of this down. 

Rosie/Lucille: Did someone come into your head and speak to you as well, and tell you to change it?

Olive/Timmit: We’ve already had this conversation.

Rosie/Lucille: No, no. A different one.

Olive/Timmit: I hear all the voices. Have you been hearing them too?

Rosie/Lucille: I can’t say.

Steven/Noah: I’m just going to telepathically tell you two that I have told Lucille that I am her conscience, and I’m just trying to correct some of her behaviour as a sort of social experiment.

Olive/Timmit: With that, without even skipping a beat, Timmit will just look at Lucille and go, “You know when you hear those voices you really should listen. It’s you trying to be a better person.”

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille’s just gonna… It’s a bit too much for her to take in. She’s going to fly on ahead a little bit. She’s kind of quiet.

Olive/Timmit: Okay, now that that chaotic nightmare’s out of here. Yeah, so I can basically make people forget what I say. I don’t know how I do it. It’s just this thing. Whenever it happens and whenever I say something that I know that I need to have not said it, it just suddenly hasn’t been said, and sometimes I can make people not forget or forget. 

Steven/Noah: That is fascinating.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah. 

Steven/Noah: And very useful.

Olive/Timmit: It’s pretty handy.

Jorja/Magnolia: That is great. Have you used it on us?

Olive/Timmit: Yes.

Jorja/Magnolia: Dope, I would have too.

Olive/Timmit: It was a little bit of fun. 

Jorja/Magnolia: You could have just not used the spell, and told us something completely different, and we would have believed you. 

Steven/Noah: We are pretty dumb. That’s fair. Timmit, I am so glad that we added you to the team.

Olive/Timmit: I’m glad to be here.

Rosie/Lucille: The team-it.

*laughter*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Jesus Christ. So what are we doing guys?

Olive/Timmit: ToCleary!

Jorja/Magnolia: To Cleary is what that was. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Just making our way through the city to the Kingsgrove? Along the way you spot Cleary in the crowd. There is a procession happening through the streets. Like a promenade? Like, important people- Like if you have a formal assembly there’s all these important people making their way through the crowd. You can see twenty-two fairies if you care to count them. Making their way in a procession towards the Kingsgrove.

Olive/Timmit: Can I - whilst we’re taking a look and wandering through - can I see if I can see Thaumus anywhere? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You beat me to it. Thaumus is one of the people you can see in the procession.

Steven/Noah: Are there small children carrying a teapot?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes. You can see the crowd as they’re pointing out some younger fairies as they’re flying to the tops of the Kingsgrove tree collecting something. Some characters a few of you may recognise. Timmit won’t recognise this one, but Exto, the Minister of Festivities. He was playing the bagpipes in episode two. Thaumus. You recognise Auris, the Head of the Kingsguard. Onyx has quickly changed and joined the procession as well.

Rosie/Lucille: What’s he wearing?

Steven/Noah: Not much. 

*laughter*

Steven/Noah: Sorry, this is a regal thing. He’s wearing flowers.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s like a floral robe. Is there black or grey flowers maybe? Some sort of black and grey floral pattern on his robes. You recognise Ayanna, the Captain of the City Watch. Cleary is there. Parav, and you sort of recognise the King’s Advisor, and then the King at the back of the procession. Yeah, so they’re all the familiar faces happening right now.

Rosie/Lucille: And they’re all walking?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Towards the Kingsgrove. They’ve almost arrived at the Kingsgrove by now.

Rosie/Lucille: They’re in a procession. Like, I shouldn’t walk up to the king or whatever?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No. You can see a little dais is set out the front of entrance of the Kingsgrove with a table with twenty-two seats where the procession will slowly make their way up and take their seat. Notably, one seat is empty.

Jorja/Magnolia: *whispering* Kyros.

Olive/Timmit: *whispering* Kyros.

*laughter*

Jorja/Magnolia: For a second there I was like, ‘What the-? Did we kill someone?’

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can see this little child fairy come down with this wooden teapot from the highest point of the Kingsgrove. It’s - if you can get a close enough look at it - it looks like it has a little face in the engravings of the wood, and the child starts pouring everyone a cup of tea. 

Rosie/Lucille: Aww, a tea party!

Olive/Timmit: I could really do with some tea.

Rosie/Lucille: Who do you think we ask to drink the tea?

Olive/Timmit: I don’t know if we have to ask. They might just give it out to everyone. 

Rosie/Lucille: But if we just take it the king might get angry. 

Olive/Timmit: Well, that’s a very good point. Maybe we should…

Rosie/Lucille: I can’t make the king- I like the king. 

Olive/Timmit: You can’t make the king angry again.

Rosie/Lucille: No. He’s not angry.

Olive/Timmit: Mmm.

Steven/Noah: Guys. They’re all sitting in seats. We don’t have a seat. Let’s just assume we don’t get tea.

Rosie/Lucille: Does anyone know how to make a seat?

Olive/Timmit: Should we go find a seat? I can’t make a seat.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The king, before- No one's taken a sip of tea yet. The king sets up to the front of the dais to make a speech. 

Tyrone/Oberon: Thank you everyone for gathering here today at the Kingsgrove for our forty-eight thousandth monthly tea ceremony. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Damn, we got it right on an even number, that’s so cool. 

Tyrone/Oberon: We are honoured here today with the presence of our guests to our community.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And he’ll gesture out to the four of you. 

Steven/Noah: Meekly waving.

Rosie/Lucille: Told you he wasn’t mad.

Tyrone/Oberon: We are honoured to share this tradition with you all of our monthly tea ceremony. Tea has played an important part of our culture over the millenia, and this is how we honour that tradition.

Olive/Timmit: This must be a really special event. 

Tyrone/Oberon: After the council and myself partake in the tea, it will be passed around to everybody, so please wait your turn.

Rosie/Lucille: Do you think they use the same tea leaves and just use them every single time?

Steven/Noah: No.

Olive/Timmit: See, I wanna say no, but I’m kind of hoping yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And the council all takes a sip of there tea, and then an orderly line forms in front of their table, and one by one the citizens partake of the teapot, and the council heads back inside into the Kingsgrove. 

Jorja/Magnolia: I feel like it’s really rude if we don’t drink tea right?

Steven/Noah: Yeah, probably. We should probably have some tea.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah.

Rosie/Lucille: Well I’m lining up for some tea. I don’t know about you guys.

Olive/Timmit: It’s fifty fifty chance of if it’s rude if we don’t or if we do, so we might as well have some tea, right?

Rosie/Lucille: What if it was a test? 

Jorja/Magnolia: Well, he told us to have tea, right?

Rosie/Lucille: “Conscience? Hello!” I’m speaking out loud to my conscience now, hoping it will answer. “Do we tea, or…?”

Steven/Noah: Yes, I think you should tea, Lucille. You deserve it.

Rosie/Lucille: Everyone. My conscience just told me that I deserve tea, so we should probably line up and have tea, ‘cause it’s probably a god. 

Olive/Timmit: Well then, we’re having tea.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You know I like to do this in a very vague way, but I think it’s probably important to establish more definitively that Noah has picked Telepath as his feat for fourth level. Because otherwise we’re like, ‘What the fuck is happening?’ You guys all lining up for tea then?

Olive/Timmit: Yeah.

Jorja/Magnolia: Hell yeah. 

Rosie/Lucille: Heck yeah.

Steven/Noah: I feel like Noah’s going to go towards the back of the line. Like wait for the other citizens to go first.

Rosie/Lucille: But don’t you always have to go to the back of the line? 

Jorja/Magnolia: Hang out at the back of the line and let other people join first.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, the polite thing.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s going to take you like three quarters of the day waiting for tea.

Olive/Timmit: Timmit will wait twenty minutes and then join the line. Juts standing around. Just can’t wait. No patience. Just, “We’re going to be here all day. We have things to do. I’m going to line up for some tea. You can join me if you want.”

Rosie/Lucille: I’m joining. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Baby cranky without his bot-bot. 

Olive/Timmit: I need some tea. It’s been a big day. 

Steven/Noah: Yeah, but this is really important to them. I’m happy to just wait. I’m going to go last.

Olive/Timmit: Okay. 

Rosie/Lucille: I mean, he said to go get tea, so I’m going to go get tea. 

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, that’s fine. Because you guys can wait for tea, and, Lucille and I, we can go and speak with Cleary. 

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah. I’ll smooth everything over with the goats. 

Steven/Noah: “Yuh”, and then Skittles is gonna walk me to the back of the line. 

*laughter*

Olive/Timmit: Up to you Magnolia.

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh.

Olive/Timmit: No, it’s fine. You can go to the back of the line. That’s okay.

Jorja/Magnolia: “What the fuck? You think that’s gonna work?” I walk off.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, Magnolia’s actually going to join the back back of the line?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, and she’s gonna regret it immediately. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay. Everyone waits about half a day. Magnolia waits about three quarters of a day. 

Steven/Noah: So do I.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh, sorry. Okay. Timmit and Lucille. This is the best tea of your god damn life.

Rosie/Lucille: Is it like herbal, or like an english breakfast? What are we talking here?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: This is the same sort of tea that the king gave you that one time. It’s like a daisy blend.

Rosie/Lucille: I love me a little dandy tea.

Olive/Timmit: You know, this is some pretty damn good tea.

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, you guys are free with the tea. What would you like to do? 

Olive/Timmit: Should we go see Cleary?

Rosie/Lucille: Oh yes.

Olive/Timmit: Okay.

Steven/Noah: Noah’s just going to reach all the way over to Lucille’s brain over there, and just say, “Now Lucille. I know you really want to go see Cleary, but you should probably all go as a group. Don’t you think that’s right?” And then I’m going to turn to Magnolia and verbally say, “I’m trying to get Lucille not to go alone. Let’s see if this works.” 

Jorja/Magnolia: Good idea.

Rosie/Lucille: Timmit. My conscience just spoke again.

Olive/Timmit: Oh, what did it say?

Rosie/Lucille: It said we should go as a group, but I’m not sure on this one. 

Olive/Timmit: You know what though? You might be right. 

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah.

Olive/Timmit: You know what? I might go and… We might wait for them to be done with the tea. I’m going to go see Thaumus and have a chat with her, and then I’ll come and meet you guys and we’ll go chat with Cleary.

Rosie/Lucille: I’ll go to the king then. 

Steven/Noah: Noah’s just watching. Squinting from the back of the line being like, ‘I think… I don’t think they’re going towards Cleary?”

Jorja/Magnolia: I pick you up. So you can see over everyone.

*laughter*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Timmit and Lucille. Rock-paper-scissors to see who goes first? 

Rosie/Lucille: Scissors, paper, rock. Ha-ha! Oh, I’m first.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Lucille, you’re going to the king again?

Rosie/Lucille: Oh absolutely.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Not even going to set up an appointment? You’re just going to rock up to his door?

Rosie/Lucille: Well when I get there I’ll ask about seeing him. I won’t just barge in. That’s just rude. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re going to walk past Illumen, the advisor, who has orange butterfly wings. They’ve got an entire outfit made of autumnal leaves, and they’ve got a staff with vines sprouting from the top of it.

Rosie/Lucille: Do I know he’s an important person?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, you saw them in the procession beside the king, so…

Rosie/Lucille: Ooo. Lucille’s going to see him and be like, ‘Ooo’, and walk over to him and be like, “Hello. You know the king, correct?”

Tyrone/Illumen: Yes. Have you business?

Rosie/Lucille: “Oh, yes I do actually. Me and the king discussed this business just the other day, and I just wanted to follow up on that. Does he have any availabilities?” And she’s just going to force another smile. 

Tyrone/Illumen: He doesn’t usually take visitors on Tea Day. What was your name?

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille.

Tyrone/Illumen: Oh, you’re Lucille. Mmm.

Rosie/Lucille: So, you’ve heard of me then?

Tyrone/Illumen: Let me go pop in, and I’ll let him know you’re here. 

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, I feel like I’m that awful customer at every store that everyone knows about.

Steven/Noah: Oh, I’ve heard of you.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, it’s you. 

Tyrone/Illumen: The king will see you now. 

Rosie/Lucille: Ooo. Lucill’es going to brush her hair really quickly, and smell her breath. Straighten up her blazer. Blazer? No, she’s not wearing a blazer. Goat Coat! I know this. 

[music]

Tyrone/Oberon: Lucille. It’s a lovely coat you’re wearing.

Rosie/Lucille: *clears voice* “Thank you, my liege”, and she’s going to do the deepest bow, and almost fall over. 

Tyrone/Oberon: That’s not necessary Lucille. What brings you to my office on such a prestigious day?

Rosie/Lucille: I just wanted to know if you’d given any more thought to my little goat plan. I bring the goats, and I have goats. They’re here.

Tyrone/Oberon: I heard about your little venture with the goats. I met some little goats this morning, courtesy of Onyx. 

Rosie/Lucille: Oh yes, were they friendly?

Tyrone/Oberon: Lucille, I’m a nice person, but I’m going to cut to it right here. You owe me, you owe the city of Lambence an apology. You know what you did.

Rosie/Lucille: Okay, I’ll apologise. I am deeply sorry. Did you want me to apologise now or later? 

Tyrone/Oberon: I think it’s best, when all of your crew is together, we can organise a speech form my balcony.

Rosie/Lucille: Okay, so the thing is Lucille is sorry for causing problems, but she’s not sorry for setting them free because above all else she loves goats, and she didn’t want them to die, so she’s going to apologise to the king right now, but I think I’m going to have to roll a deception. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll me a deception. 

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Lucille: Twenty.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Dirty twenty?

Rosie/Lucille: Dirty twenty.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Give me your apology.

Rosie/Lucille: King. King who I really love quite dearly after only knowing for a couple days. I look up to with such respect, and I’m really sorry for any trouble that I have caused the city. It was just my love for animals and goats in particular that just took over me, and I’m not quite sure what I did, but I am deeply, deeply sorry. I don’t know how else to say it, and I only hope you can forgive me dear lord.

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oberon rolled on a one on his insight.

Tyrone/Oberon: Did Onyx explain to you what you did wrong?

Rosie/Lucille: He did, and I can’t believe that I did that. I would never want to take food away for a city that is needing. I understand what it’s like to not have enough food, coming from a farm myself. 

Tyrone/Oberon: I accept your apology.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh lord king, thank you so much. You will not regret it. Trust me now. Now would you like to… hang out? Chat?

Tyrone/Oberon: My calendar is free. How about I give you a tour of a portion of our museum?

Rosie/Lucille: Oh that would be splendid. Splendid in fact. Are there goat pelts at the museum?

Tyrone/Oberon: Not goats, but pelts of other Exos that we have encountered on our journeys.

Rosie/Lucille: Okay, okay, okay. Yes, let’s do this. Yes, let’s set it in. Let’s put it in the calendar.

Tyrone/Oberon: Let’s head off there right now.

Rosie/Lucille: My gosh, this day just keeps getting better and better. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Let’s head over to Thaumus’s tower after this. 

Olive/Timmit: Maybe I should have clarified this, but I don’t think Timmit is going to go to Thaumus.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You just said you were going to Thaumus but you lied?

Olive/Timmit: Yeah. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Where are you going?

Olive/Timmit: Timmit’s going to go see Cleary.

*laughter*

Rosie/Lucille: Traitor.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The drama. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Get your hands off my bitch! 

Steven/Noah: A deceitful lawyer! What!

Olive/Timmit: What! Never! So yeah, Timmit will start making his way over to Thaumus’s tower, and about halfway there he’ll divert, and make his way over to Cleary’s workshop.

Tyrone/Cleary: Timmit. Timmit? What brings you here?

Olive/Timmit: Hi Cleary. How are you doing?

Tyrone/Cleary: I’m feeling pretty relaxed actually after a good cup of tea. 

Olive/Timmit: Oh yeah, the tea is marvellous, isn’t it?

Tyrone/Cleary: It’s brewed to perfection through the generations. 

Olive/Timmit: Well I can absolutely tell. Do you mind if I come in?

Tyrone/Cleary: Absolutely not. My calendar is free. 

Olive/Timmit: “Fantastic. Thank you.” And Timmit will enter and shut the door behind him, and just look around the little workshop, and stride in and not say anything for a little bit.

Tyrone/Cleary: Well I said my calendar is free, but my workshop isn’t if you’re not going to say anything. 

Olive/Timmit: Oh of course! Sorry! Just a lot of things on my mind. Just having been here, and everything that we’ve seen and that we’ve heard. It’s just crazy, you know?

Tyrone/Cleary: I can’t begin to imagine what your world is like. This is quite normal for me honestly. 

Olive/Timmit: *sigh* You know, there was something strange that happened when we went to the pyramid, and it got me thinking. Because you helped Kyros with the teleporter machine, right?

Tyrone/Cleary: Right. I’m his right hand woman. 

Olive/Timmit: Yeah. Do you remember what happened when it all went wrong?

Tyrone/Cleary: When what went wrong?

Olive/Timmit: Well, we’re here, right?

Tyrone/Cleary: Aye.

Olive/Timmit: And Kyros just disappeared.

Tyrone/Cleary: Well, no. It was an experiment. He didn’t just disappear out of nowhere. We knew he was testing it.

Olive/Timmit: Right, but it didn’t work. Not to how Kyros wanted it. 

Tyrone/Cleary: What makes you say that?

Olive/Timmit: Well, if it had worked the way that he wanted he’d be here, or he’d be back here now.

Tyrone/Cleary: I have had some anxieties about this situation, yes. 

Olive/Timmit: It’s just so strange from everything I hear about this great Kyros the inventor, that he could wind himself in such a dangerous position. It’s just odd to me.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’m going to roll an insight.

Olive/Timmit: Cool.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Just into what you’re getting at.

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I rolled a twelve, and I guess it might be persuasion as the opposite.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Timmit: Not great. Nine.

Tyrone/Cleary: Timmit, what do you know?

Olive/Timmit: *sighs* I saw Kyros.

Tyrone/Cleary: What?

Olive/Timmit: “When I was coming through the portal I saw him, and I only just remembered when we went to the pyramid. They tried to help me,.I don’t know. There just seems to be something not quite right. I’ve got a weird feeling about all of this. Weirder than well” and Timmit will look over his body and be like, “Weirder than what’s already happened.”

Tyrone/Cleary: What was he like? How you remember? Was he in trouble? Was he hurt, or was there something wrong with the machine? Did you see the machine? What did you see?

Olive/Timmit: Oh no, he was fine. Angelic even. He seemed tense, and there was a worry in his voice.

Tyrone/Cleary: And the machine?

Olive/Timmit: “Couldn’t tell you.” Could I roll an insight check on Cleary?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sure. What sort of general thing are you looking for?

Olive/Timmit: I’m just trying to get a general sense of her true intention of wanting to know about the machine. ‘Cause she seems a little bit more concerned about it than about Kyros. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Timmit: *sighs* I rolled a one.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Uh oh! I didn’t roll high either, but yikes.

Olive/Timmit: Oof, alright.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, sorry. I can’t give you anything with a one. 

Olive/Timmit: Nope. That’s okay. “Yeah, I don’t know”. But the good news is,” and I’ll pull out the essence and pop it on the table. “Found that!”

Tyrone/Cleary: Ah! The essence!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And she’s going to pull out a little device from the cupboard of what is an orrery. For you guys that have no fucking idea what that is, it’s like a little, mini planetarium. It’s like that model with little rotating planets in it like clockwork.

Olive/Timmit: Well, I just came to drop this off because I knew that you kind of want it, and the others will be up here shortly as well. I just thought that I’d stop off on my way because I’m going to go see Thaumus as well, so… yeah. 

Tyrone/Cleary: Are you going to joining the others? Will I see you soon? I have so many questions. 

Olive/Timmit: Oh yes, I’ll be back. Of course, of course.

Tyrone/Cleary: Well, goodbye. I need to fix the essence to the orrery, I guess. It’s very exciting.

Olive/Timmit: “Of course. I’ll let you do what you need to do with it, and I’ll be back shortly.” And then Timmit will turn and leave the room having accomplished nothing, and just take a moment to be like “*sighs* Fuck!”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Moving over to the other two who are still in the line who have finally reached the front of the line. 

Jorja/Magnolia: I have befriended many citizens. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s Dave. He’s a farmer. 

Jorja/Magnolia: That’s his wife Cheryl. 

Steven/Noah: She drinks.

*laughter*

Jorja/Magnolia: She would.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The tea is the best you’ve had in your life. I don’t know if we’re tea drinkers, but it’s good fucking tea.

Jorja/Magnolia: Damn, this tea is good!

Steven/Noah: Jeez! What do they put in this?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Daisies. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Crack cocaine.

Steven/Noah: I want more. 

Jorja/Magnolia: It’s very moreish.

Steven/Noah: It’s quite moreish.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What would we like to do now that we’ve waited in line for the tea?

Jorja/Magnolia: Should we go see Cleary, or…? Just a crazy thought out of the blue. Cleary?

Steven/Noah: Noah’s just going to look you up and down. Just be like, “Yes, you’ve waited patiently enough. We can go and see Cleary now.”

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes!

Steven/Noah: Lucille, I think, is with the king maybe, but I’m not sure where Timmit went. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay. Funnily enough, we all bump into each other in the corridor. Lucille is back from her museum trip with the king which we will get to see what happened next episode. Same with Timmit. Timmit comes back from hangout with Thaumus, which we’ll find out next episode what happened. Now we’re all with Cleary. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Heyo!

Olive/Timmit: Oh, hi!

Rosie/Lucille: Guys, I had tea with the king. No I didn’t. I went to the museum with him. I got a bit flustered. 

Olive/Timmit: Well you had tea today, so it all makes sense. You technically had tea, and then you were with the king.

Rosie/Lucille: It was in my belly.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah! I mean who knows? Maybe you had tea at the museum. We don’t know.

Rosie/Lucille: Maybe we’ll find out next episode.

Tyrone/Cleary: Ah, Timmit! Back again so soon are you?

Olive/Timmit: Oh yes, of course.

Jorja/Magnolia: OH! Back again, huh?

Rosie/Lucille: Again?

Steven/Noah: Again?

Olive/Timmit: Huh? Well I was on my way to Thaumus, and I just thought that I didn’t want to have the essence with me in such a magically… You know? I didn’t know how it was going to mix. I thought I’d just drop it off on my way.

Jorja/Magnolia: Do we know if Cleary’s workshop is on the way to Thaumus?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I guess it kind of is because Thaumus is at the tallest part of the tower, so you have to go past everything to get to Thaumus’s tower. 

Rosie/Lucille: I thought we were going to go together because my conscience told us to.

Steven/Noah: Yes, Lucille’s conscience told her to.

Jorja/Magnolia: And we all listen to Lucille’s conscience.

Olive/Timmit: I mean, Lucille’s conscience is definitely worth… Anyway, Cleary!

Tyrone/Cleary: Hi! I installed the earth essence into the portal machine for you. You guys wanna take a look?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes please!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She pulls out the aforementioned orrery, which is a beautiful planetary structure, and it’s got the earth and the water essence in it. It’s got slots for two more.

Jorja/Magnolia: This is good work.

Rosie/Lucille: Do you think it would notice if we just put something in there about the same size and weight like they do in those movies? 

Jorja/Magnolia: Do you mean Indiana Jones?

Rosie/Lucille: Yes. That one.

*laughter*

Jorja/Magnolia: I think it’s not the size and the weight of it. It’s the magical essence of it. 

Rosie/Lucille: Ah.

Steven/Noah: Size doesn’t matter Lucille.

*laughter*

Tyrone/Cleary: You know Timmit, I was thinking a lot about what you were saying before actually. 

Olive/Timmit: Oh?

Tyrone/Cleary: I’m a bit… I think I need to make some improvements on the machine because it might go wild again. It might go like the same thing that happened to Kyros. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh yes, what happened to Kyros.

Steven/Noah: And what do you know about Kyros?

Olive/Timmit: I told you.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes. We know, and Cleary knows. 

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, I told you I stopped off here to drop it off. Of course we had a chat. I’m not rude.

Jorja/Magnolia: Uh-huh.

Steven/Noah: I’m just going to telepathically communicate with our giant rabbit friend here, and be like, “I don’t trust him, and for the record I cannot hear you if you’re talking back.”

Jorja/Magnolia: I stop mid-thought. I’m like, ‘Fuck!’

*laughter*

Tyrone/Cleary: So, I think I have to work out some things, but I think I have an idea of how we can improve it. So, I guess before all that - where are you guys gonna go next? Like, you guys have got to set out soon again right? You gotta go to Novis or Avos, right? 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, well I can only jump ten feet. I can’t fly.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, I can’t fly either.

Steven/Noah: Nope. 

Rosie/Lucille: I can fly.

Steven/Noah: Thanks Lucille. 

Tyrone/Cleary: Ooo! I just remembered something. Sorry, my brain’s so scatterbrained today. Did you get my mushrooms?

Jorja/Magnolia: “Oh hell yeah I did!” I’ll just open up a bag full of mushrooms. “I’ve got thirty-two!”

Steven/Noah: Just on those mushrooms. Umm, I’m blue. 

Tyrone/Cleary: I didn’t want to address the elephant in the room, but…

Steven/Noah: Yeah, well look, we all know. That was one of the mushrooms. What do I need to do to undo that?

Rosie/Lucille: Un-blue that?

Steven/Noah: Do I need to tell Lucille that was a bad joke?

Rosie/Lucille: No, I’m on fire, like that was so good!

*laughter*

Tyrone/Cleary: Look, I’m an inventor not a magician. I’d probably go and talk to the mage. Go and talk to Thaumus. I don’t know. She’s up in her tower.

Olive/Timmit: We could go. 

Steven/Noah: Have you already been?

Olive/Timmit: I mean, yeah, but I’m always happy to back, and I know her as well.

Jorja/Magnolia: Actually I… I don’t think that’ll work. I don’t know if it’s a disease that you have, so I’m not sure.

Steven/Noah: I don’t know what it is either. It was caused by a fungus, but I don’t know if it’s a disease.

Jorja/Magnolia: “I’ll try this. I don’t know.” I’ll just touch you on the shoulder and use five points of my Lay on Hands to cure a disease. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: This is, from memory, classed as a curse, so I don’t think that counts.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay, I can’t do it, but I tried.

Steven/Noah: Yeah, I’m still blue.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, sorry buddy.

Steven/Noah: Thank you for trying though. I do appreciate that.

Jorja/Magnolia: That’s okay.

Tyrone/Cleary: Okay, so you only needed to give me twelve, so keep the rest for all I care.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, I think it’s going to be really funny. I do want to keep these.

Tyrone/Cleary: I am going to have a lot of fun making my bombs out of these. 

Olive/Timmit + Rosie/Lucille: Bomb?

Tyrone/Cleary: Yeah. Chaos bomb.

Steven/Noah: What, and make everyone blue?

Tyrone/Cleary: Oh, it’s totally random what they do. It could make a fireball. It could make someone blue. It could cover everyone in oil. 

Rosie/Lucille: You know, if you like chaotic mushrooms, I’ve got some growing on my property that you might wanna try.

Tyrone/Cleary: I’m sure I’ll do that when I visit you someday.

Rosie/Lucille: Ooo, we could do it together.

Tyrone/Cleary: Ooo, sorry. Scatterbrained again. Back on track. Thank you for the mushrooms. We can go to the shops, and get you some more stuff in return. That was the deal.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes.

Tyrone/Cleary: We might even go today. They might have some good bargains down at the shops for Tea Ceremony Day. 

Olive/Timmit: Oh yeah, of course. That would be very kind of you.

Tyrone/Cleary: So, another thing. So, we’ve got Novis, and we’ve got Avos left still, but I wanna add another option to the mix maybe. So, I think you guys also need to go to Exanimus. You guys talked about Exanimus, right?

Jorja/Magnolia: That’s the metal place?

Tyrone/Cleary: Yeah.

Olive/Timmit: The big tall building?

Tyrone/Cleary: Yeah.

Steven/Noah: Devoid of magic?

Tyrone/Cleary: Yeah.

Olive/Timmit: Can magic be in there?

Tyrone/Cleary: No.

Olive/Timmit: Oh, then I vote that one last.

Tyrone/Cleary: So, the reason I think you need to go there, right, is I think that is gonna help control the magic of the portal, and it’s gonna act like an anchor to it so it doesn’t go haywire.

Jorja/Magnolia: I think I’m interested in going there for other reasons as well, so…

Tyrone/Cleary: Like what?

Jorja/Magnolia: Just to see what it’s about. Why it’s there. You know? How it’s built. 

Tyrone/Cleary: Field trip.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yep.

Olive/Timmit: Well, why don’t we take a look at the market, and then we can make a decision where we wanna go next.

Tyrone/Cleary: Are we going to the market, or you wanna do your unbluing thing first?

Steven/Noah: We should go to the market in case there are bargains. It’s not really hurting me. I can unblue later, I guess.

Rosie/Lucille: You look really cool.

Olive/Timmit: You really do.

Tyrone/Cleary: I guess we gotta make it fairly quick because I think somebody has an apology to make this afternoon. 

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, yes. I’m quite excited. Oh, I just had a splendid time with the king. We discussed it, and I apologised, and I’m ready to do it all over again.

Olive/Timmit: A splendid time, huh?

Rosie/Lucille: A splendid time.

Jorja/Magnolia: What exactly did you do?

Rosie/Lucille: Wouldn’t you like to know?

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m hanging on the edge of my seat to find out.

Olive/Timmit: It might be a shorter question to ask what they didn’t do.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Maybe we’ll find out next episode. Roll credits. 

*laughter*

Theme Song: *rock music plays*

Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Thank you so much for listening to Portal Quandary. Portal Quandary is made possible by the following people: Myself, Tyrone Cross as Dungeon Master, Community Manager, and Editor, Steven Edwards as Noah, Olive Jerome as Timothy and the Editing Assistant, Rosemary Ochtman as Lucille, and Jorja Odd as Magnolia. Elias Moffat is our Content Producer and Narrative Consultant, and Chanelle Hayden is our transcriber. Our theme song is Belly of the Beast by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas, and if you need to contact us you can do so at portalquandary@gmail.com. We’re also on the lookout for someone to join our team as a Community Manager, so if that sounds like you, shoot us a DM or an email. We’re also on a bunch of social media including Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, Threads, and our newly launched Patreon. So if you’re interested in any of those please head over to them. They’re all @PortalQuandary. That’s Q-U-A-N-D-A-R-Y. And this podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people, and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders. 

Theme Song: *rock music continues* 

Finding home in the belly of the beast, (in the belly of the beast), to make it home we can’t accept defeat, (there’s no turning back) so roll the dice and come along with me, (come along with me, let’s go), finding home in the belly of the beast.

Steven/Noah: Finding home in the- Sorry!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: To make it home we can’t accept defeat!

*laughter*

Tyrone/Onyx: Ahem!

Jorja/Magnolia: *coughing* Sorry, that was real. 

*laughter*

Rosie/Lucille: I was going to join in. I was like, ‘ Are we all coughing now?’

Steven/Noah: Lucille, that wasn’t a very good joke.

Rosie/Lucille: No, that was Rosie not Lucille. Lucille can’t hear this. You just told Rosie it’s a bad joke. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Rosie. Rosie, that was not a very good joke. 

Rosie/Lucille: No, it was hilarious!

Olive/Timmit: Team-it approves. 

Rosie/Lucille: Ayy.