Episode 21: Noah Baker

Without magic and facing down a new enemy, the party must think outside the box in order to defeat their opponent. The wayward bard is finally found. 

Content warnings for this week’s episode include coarse language, fantasy violence, suggestive language, and references to alcohol.

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Dungeon Master, Editing, and Community Manager is Tyrone Cross      

Noah is Steven Edwards

Timothy is Olive Jerome

Lucille is Rosemary Ochtman

Magnolia is Jorja Odd

Elias Moffat is our Content Producer, Narrative Consultant, and Transcriber

Theme song is “Belly of The Beast” by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas (@lilyharnath & @henrylucas5)

We’re on the lookout for a couple of people to join the team as a Community Manager and Transcriber. Send us an email if that sounds like you!

Email us at portalquandary@gmail.com 

Sound effects used in this episode include:

Stradivarius Solo Arpeggio Melody 200 BPM - Robbnix

interlude 0R_18v- - sentuniman

sun200 - levelclearer

siberia - levelclearer

Water Splash 1 - qubodup

Synthetic Chipring - Owdeo

Sad bluesy violin - TheFlyFishingFilmmaker

Metal thunder impact_1(8lrs,mltprcssg) - newlocknew

Chicken sizzling in a pot - natemarler

This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders. 

The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased) is intended or should be inferred.

Transcript

Steven/Noah: Portal Quandary has some content warnings. You can check them out in the episode description,

Tyrone/Parav: Cleary? It’s Parav. You’re busy, so I’ll keep this short, but call me back when you get a chance. As you know, I have been to check in with the scouting team in Neptis still searching for our new arrival’s missing member, Hymnbo. The scouts have not uncovered his whereabouts at this stage, and tracking through Neptis is notoriously difficult. I fear our window for tracing him has passed, and we now rely on luck more than anything to find him. As difficult as it is to leave somebody behind, we must consider that the scouting party will have to return soon as the new Moving Day approaches. There is a second reason I’m reaching out. The area of Neptis my scouts are in nears the border of Exanimus, and they have witnessed a change in the landscape of the region. I would rather you saw it for yourself, as describing it does not do it justice, but the best I can say about it is that it now bears tall, rigid structures, things with straight edges and material that glares under the sun. It is vastly different than before - I don’t know much about Exanimus, but the sudden shift makes both myself and the scouts nervous. Additionally, when one comes closer to the border between Neptis and Exanimus, sounds emerge from it, echoing out across all those hard surfaces. Though we haven’t explored Exanimus, I am certain that sound is new - or at least, louder than it used to be, so as to be heard from Neptis. You may want to warn those people about Exanimus. You said they needed to go there, right? They best be prepared for what they will face. I will meet with you on Moving Day - but do call me if you get this, you can hear the sound for yourself through the ruby! 

[violin music plays for a moment before fading]

Theme Song: [rock music plays]

Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Hello! And welcome back to Portal Quandary: Prophis. Up to episode twenty-one now. Where we last left you, you were in Exanimus, on level fifty of the big skyscraper in the middle. There was also a lot of blood, and a wood chipper, and maybe some guy with horns. That went into the wood chipper

Steven/Noah: And Jackie?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Jackie the jackhammer, yes. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Rest in piece. . . s.

Rosie/Lucille: I was gonna say that!

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh no.

Olive/Timmit: At least Jackie died doing what she loved. Being in pieces.

Jorja/Magnolia: Dressed up as a human.

Steven/Noah: With the face of Michaelengelo’s David.

[Laughter]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Magnolia’s just opened the door to the sight, but the other guys have not seen it yet. Shall we continue? 

Jorja/Magnolia: No.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay. 

Olive/Timmit: I was going to say after hearing the mechanical whirring of the crank - the hook, I’ll just peer around the side wall and just look and see Magnolia standing in the doorway. “Hey! Hey Magnolia! Is everything okay?” 

Steven/Noah: And comedically there’ll be Noah’s head underneath yours and Skittles’ head underneath that.

Jorja/Magnolia: “I’m gonna go ahead and say no?” And she's just staring into the room.

Olive/Timmit: Cautiously make my way down the hall until I’m kind of - behind her, and step to the side. “Hey you - you good?”

Steven/Noah: Can we insight against that?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: If you’d like to.

[Die rolls]

Steven/Noah: Nineteen.

Jorja/Magnolia: She fucked up. She not good.

Steven/Noah: Aw! Noah’s gonna telepathically communicate to Skittles to tell him to run up to Magnolia as quick as possible. He’s gonna [tap tap tap] up the corridor and then Noah’s gonna leap off. “Magnolia, are you okay?”

Jorja/Magnolia: Aw, Noah's emoting!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Aw!

Steven/Noah: Is this. . . character growth?

Jorja/Magnolia: She’s gonna close her eyes for a second. “We need to be careful of that thing.” Pointing at the wood chipper. And she hasn’t taken her eyes off it, because she still doesn’t know what triggers it.

Rosie/Lucille: I’m gonna fly down and have a look and see all the blood and awful things and just. . . in my not-good-at-emotions Lucille way, give her a little pat on the head.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re gonna fly around inside the room?

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, well . . . I’ve flown kind of down, not inside the room, but next to Magnolia, slightly above her patting her head.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So at the doorway still?

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay.

Rosie/Lucille: What happens when I go into the room, Tyrone?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Nothing.

Jorja/Magnolia: No it’s - it’s so safe. That’s just jam on the floor! 

Rosie/Lucille: Yum yum!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Would you believe me if I said strawberry jam?

Steven/Noah: Boat nectar.

Jorja/Magnolia: Um. . . I have the feeling that that’s the thing we need to get rid of. 

Olive/Timmit: We have - sorry we have to destroy that?

Rosie/Lucille: Do we have any bombs?

Olive/Timmit: I’ve got a couple of bolts?

Rosie/Lucille: That’s not a bomb.

Olive/Timmit: That’s a fair case.

Steven/Noah: Perhaps I can craft a bomb.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah just like in those T.V. shows! If we just get a metal tin can, we can just put all the bolts in it. Have you got a surplus of gunpowder on your person?

Jorja/Magnolia: Can Magnolia from where she is just take a better look at the wood chipper? Investigate?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah! An investigation.

Olive/Timmit: How far in the room is it?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s forty feet by forty feet - the room is, I believe. So it’s in the far corner, so about forty feet away.

[Die rolls]

Jorja/Magnolia: Sixteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sixteen to investigate it? It’s quite large, I’d say it would take up . . . take up about a five-foot by five-foot cube in the room.

Steven/Noah: Is there natural sunlight coming into the room?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah you can see the walls on the outside are just windows essentially. Floor to ceiling windows.

Steven/Noah: Can we see the sun?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, it’s about late afternoon.

Steven/Noah: Noah’s gonna retrieve the tiny mirror that comes with thieves’ tools and he’s gonna try and reflect the sunlight off of that and dart it around the room.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay.

Steven/Noah: Just to see what happens. Noah’s gonna start the light where Hymnbo used to be.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Uh, okay. Still resolving Magnolia’s stuff as well-

Steven/Noah: Oh, sorry.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: But adding do it you can see there’s almost - there’s fire in the heart of it essentially. You can look right down its mouth, see its heart light up at this reflection. Then a hook will emerge from deep within its mouth and attack the ground where the light is.

[Metallic clank echoes. The chain rattles and a clicking noise emits as it is reeled back in.]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Which I now realise is a fucking cat laser pointer.

Jorja/Magnolia: What is the hook made of? Like, each part of it?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s a big chain link and then it ends in a big three-pronged-  like a fish lure, I guess, situation.

Steven/Noah: While it’s currently attacking the ground, can I shoot the chain? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sure. Yeah, roll an attack.

Steven/Noah: I’m gonna pull out my crossbow.

[Various gasps]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He has those?

Olive/Timmit: Ooh!

Steven/Noah: Still. Yes. So I'm going to take out my crossbow and then I'm going to take out my tinker’s tools and I’m gonna use that to calibrate the aim of the crossbow. And then shoot.

Olive/Timmit: That’s a bit of a - that’s a bit of a stretch. *laughs*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I think we decided it uses your bonus action to-

Steven/Noah: To line of the shot.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: -to take up the aim. Stephen panicked when he learned he didn't have magic so he went ‘okay what do these tools actually do?’

Olive/Timmit: Yeah.

Steven/Noah: I did some googling.

[Die rolls]

Steven/Noah: So that’s gonna be a twenty-four?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That hits. Roll damage.

Steven/Noah: Now watch it do fuck-all.

[Die rolls]

Steven/Noah: Five.

Olive/Timmit: Got him!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: When you do that and it collides with it, another chain is gonna shoot out, sort of against the wall next to the doorway.

[chain rattles and another metallic thud echoes. The clinking of the chain being reeled in begins]

Jorja/Magnolia: Does it look like it could hit us from where we’re standing and it just missed? Or. . .

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes. It hit the wall, so it could very easily hit the doorway.

Jorja/Magnolia: And did these shoot from its mouth?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah. All from that - the depths of its mouth that you saw and it’s fired up, and is now grinding, turning the crank back to pull in the chain back towards itself.

[clicking of the crank turning as the chains are reeled in]

Jorja/Magnolia: Are both hooks out at the moment?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: By now the one that was on the carpet would have come back because it was shorter. So that one’s wound back already.

Steven/Noah: And what happened to the arrow that collided with it?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: There’s just an arrow on the ground now, it definitely hit it and it seems to react to it because it shot out something else.

Steven/Noah: Do we know if its reaction was. . . seeing the arrow? Or whether it was the arrow contacting with its . . . appendage?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It reacted to light moving around so it can’t physically feel that really - I guess it could feel a little bit of sunlight, but.

Olive/Timmit: Should we try to see how many hooks this thing has?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yep, that’s what I was about to do.

Olive/Timmit: I’ll reach into my pocket and pull out my handful of bolts. “I’m ready!”

Jorja/Magnolia: Give me some! Give me some!

Olive/Timmit: Split em up, give you half, take the other half. “Okay, now you throw that way, and I’ll throw the other way. And we’ll just keep throwing them.”

Jorja/Magnolia: And also, just move. Maybe. If something happens too close.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah! Okay. Yep yep yep.

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah we should all step back from the door a little maybe?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah.

Olive/Timmit: Also make sure you peg them at the ground so it makes a ‘ding’ noise!

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay. Just for ASMR reasons?

Olive/Timmit: No. Because it might not react to objects to moving but it might react to sound.

Jorja/Magnolia: Sunlight doesn't make sound.

Olive/Timmit: That’s an excellent point, I’ll shut up.

Rosie/Lucille: Or- but what if it does have sound, but we can’t hear it, but it can cause it’s a machine and machines can hear sunlight:?

Jorja/Magnolia: Machines don't have ears?

Olive/Timmit: Well - but they also don't have tongues but this one’s got two.

Rosie/Lucille: This is a mystical machine.

Jorja/Magnolia: Should’ve just led with that. Alright I’m just gonna push Noah out of the way.

Steven/Noah: You’re gonna push me? Come on, ask politely.

Jorja/Magnolia: “Okay, Noah. Just. Move a little. Get cover.” I’m pushing Skittles though.

Olive/Timmit: Okay, you ready?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yep.

Olive/Timmit: I’m gonna start throwing bolts - just throw one, wait for the reaction. Throw another and just. . . yeah, what happens?

Jorja/Magnolia: I am gonna throw them really hard though, so that they make the ‘ding’ sound. So that you have to put it in.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fuckin - you’re not trying to attack it, you’re just throwing shit out and about. In total, you’re gonna throw one-

[Clink!]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Bam! Chain against a wall not near you.

[Metallic thud echoes and chain rattles. Crank clicks as it reels the chain back in.]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Magnolia’s gonna throw one towards the elevator, sure-

[Clink! Another thud emits as the wood chipper’s hook hits the wall. Crank clicks and chain rattles]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It goes into the side of the elevator wall with another chain. You throw again-

[Clink!]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Bam - a third one comes out-

[A third thud echoes as another hook shoots out, before it begins reeling back in.]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Goes into the glass. Doesn’t shatter it, notably. Magnolia you throw again-

[Clink!]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Nothing. You throw again-

[Clink!]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Nothing. Then it starts winding the chains back in.

[Rhythmic clicking of the cranks]

Olive/Timmit: Okay. Alright we can work with this.

Jorja/Magnolia: I have a really stupid idea.

Olive/Timmit: Okay, go.

Jorja/Magnolia: Get all of the chains out and then I‘ll run into the mouth.

Olive/Timmit: Or - I like that plan - or we get all the chains out, and we try to separate the chains from the monster.

Jorja/Magnolia: “OR. . .” Describe this room to me. Are there perhaps any pillars?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You know what? There’s a couple of support pillars roughly in the centre of the room. You know, one third, another third, does that make sense?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah. “Or, it shoots the chains out and we tie ‘em around the pillars.”

Rosie/Lucille: That’s like some in - you know in The Incredible? That sounds like something that would happen in The Incredibles. This is like that big metal monster thing that Mr. Incredible fights? That’s what this sounds like.

Jorja/Magnolia: I was thinking of Shrek? When the dragon just flies around?

[Laughter]

Rosie/Lucille: Okay, yeah.

Olive/Timmit: My only worry with that is that if we connect these grapples to pillars that are holding the building up, and the cranks pull the pillars down. And that’s the ceiling on our heads.

Jorja/Magnolia: But. . . it didn’t shatter the glass, it pulls back in much slower than it shoots out, and it'll start moving the machine before it brings down a skyscraper. I think. 

Olive/Timmit: You think?

Jorja/Magnolia: I think. Based on my scientific brain. As a plant scientist.

Rosie/Lucille: And we can be speedy, too.

Steven/Noah: My only question is: once you’ve jumped into this. . . mouth, what’s your plan?

Jorja/Magnolia: Rip its heart out!

Steven/Noah: Okay, so the mouth is where the things go? To be shredded.

Jorja/Magnolia: And I’m already shredded. So. . . 

Steven/Noah: Do you see the metal everywhere? That was Jackie. 

Jorja/Magnolia: RIP.

Steven/Noah: RIP. Why do all my creations die?

Jorja/Magnolia: But I could also just get a look and run back.

Steven/Noah: *voice cracking* Okay.

Olive/Timmit: I think if we work together and we get the cranks out of the mouth, we tie them up, and then we can all assess the mouth and see if there's a way.

Steven/Noah: How big is the mouth?

Jorja/Magnolia: How big your mouth babygirl?

[Laughter]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I said it takes up about five-foot by five-foot square, so just shorter than that? Four-foot by four foot square?

Steven/Noah: Sounds more than a revolving door.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Uh. . .yeah. Yeah it does.

Steven/Noah: Well Skittles doesn’t fit in its mouth.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’ll feed Skittles to it?

Steven/Noah: What if Skittles made himself big? Then he can’t fit inside the mouth! Like all the grindy bits, they’re all inside the mouth, right? So what if we covered it up?

Rosie/Lucille: What if we stuck a walking stick in the mouth and got it all jammed up?

Jorja/Magnolia: It ate a jackhammer.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh yeah.

Steven/Noah: I dont think a walking stick is gonna quite do it.

Jorja/Magnolia: I think, get rid of the hooks first.

Steven/Noah: Okay, I hear you, but also: we’re all made of flesh. Skittles is a robot. If he dies? I can just make him again.

Olive/Timmit: Mkay, why don’t we keep Skittles as a backup plan in case it goes wrong? But I think if we get it to shoot its tongues out and then we just cut them, and that should be okay, right? If it doesn’t work and the - I’m just gonna call them tongues cause I don’t know how else to relate to them-

Rosie/Lucille: Dry tongues.

Olive/Timmit: If we cut off the dry tongues, but they’re too quick and they get pulled back in, then we have Skittles there to help us if anything. But I don't think we need to lose Skittles today. He’s too much of an asset.

Jorja/Magnolia: Ass.

Olive/Timmit: Have you seen the booty on that thing? Damn!

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, I'm always walking behind him.

Steven/Noah: Badonkadonk.

Jorja/Magnolia: I think throw some bolts out, get all of them out, and then cut them, tie them, just render them useless.

Olive/Timmit: I mean I’m not really gonna be able to tie them up.

Jorja/Magnolia: I’ll try to tie one up.

Olive/Timmit: Lift my little arms up.

Jorja/Magnolia: Aw. So big and strong! 

Steven/Noah: I could probably disassemble one with my smith’s tools.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay! Pop off sister! Worse case is just we run back out this door.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah.

Jorja/Magnolia: And Skittles is there.

Steven/Noah: It doesn’t seem to be able to detect us beyond this door.

Olive/Timmit: Well not that we know of, but. . . if we have Lucille go-

Steven/Noah: We’re standing in the door! 

Olive/Timmit: Well-

Jorja/Magnolia: A hook just comes and grabs Timmit

Olive/Timmit: Yahh! If we have Lucille, Magnolia and myself grab one each, and you and Skittles get closer to it in case anything goes wrong, then you guys are there to help us. But we'll just focus on dismantling the oral appendages. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Alright. On three - break. 

Olive/Timmit: Alright. On three?

Rosie/Lucille: Wait wait, what are we doing on three?

Olive/Timmit: Okay. So Lucille, what we’re gonna do is, we’re gonna draw the tongues out of the beast thing, and then you’re gonna take one. I'm gonna take another. And Magnolia’s gonna take the last. And we just need to either tie them up, or cut them, and just kind of - dismantle them. 

Rosie/Lucille: Mhm. Okay. Can do.

Steven/Noah: Did you want me on a dismantle?

Olive/Timmit: Well you've got Skittles. If you wanna help one of us, then-

Steven/Noah: I can detach from Skittles!

Olive/Timmit: -sure.

Steven/Noah: And then we can be two things!

Olive/Timmit: What?

Steven/Noah: Nani?

Olive/Timmit: This is unheard of!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You haven’t really done that so far.

Steven/Noah: Fair. ‘I thought you were attached at the hip!’ We are. 

Olive/Timmit: Do you wanna help me then? Cause I’m pretty weak. I think Lucille will get it covered, she's' pretty swift-y with a blade.

Rosie/Lucille: Wait but aren’t there more than three of the dry tongues?

Olive/Timmit: No there’s three.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, I thought there was more. Okay.

Steven/Noah: Well there’s three dry tongues so my only fear is you won’t be able to slash them all at once. They might take a bit of hacking.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh I'll be able to do it pretty swiftly. I’ll just fly around and. . . cut.

Steven/Noah: Slay queen.

Olive/Timmit: Alright. We good?

Rosie/Lucille: Mhm!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So course of action: step one.

Olive/Timmit: Throw the bolt!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: As you - just as you did before: throw them into each direction to activate the chains?

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m gonna try to throw one close to a pillar.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay!

[Ding!]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It collides with the pillar-

[Chain rattles, hook thuds. Crank begins clicking]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Leaves a  little bit of a dent in it, but it’s alright. It’s doing okay. The other two - as before - colliding with various walls that aren’t near you. Step two:

Olive/Timmit: Yeet. Run.

Jorja/Magnolia: Run!

Olive/Timmit: Rush in and each of us will grab one.

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m running to the pillar.

Steven/Noah: And Skittles is gonna run towards the maw of this beast.

[Skittles chirps]

Rosie/Lucille: I’m running to whatever one’s in the middle.

Olive/Timmit: We’ll go to the far left.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Stunning. Let’s roll initiative?

[Laughter]

Olive/Timmit: Okay.

[Dice rolling]

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Jorja/Magnolia: I got twenty.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Dirty twenty?

Jorja/Magnolia: Dirty twenty!

Steven/Noah: Skittles got a seventeen. And I got a thirteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Don’t you guys act on the same initiative?

Steven/Noah: Yes we do.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So you got a thirteen.

Steven/Noah: . . . Yeah.

Olive/Timmit: I got twelve.

Rosie/Lucille: I got fifteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So. .  . the order is: Magnolia, Lucille, Noah, Timmit, wood chipper. Magnolia, you’re heading to the one at the pillar.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yep. I want to grab it? And loop it around the pole and hook it on itself.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll . . . I don’t even know. Sleight of hand? I think that sounds best.

Steven/Noah: Is it resisting it?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes.

Steven/Noah: So is it strength? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, let’s do a strength contest.

Steven/Noah: It’s tug-o-war, baby!

Jorja/Magnolia: Just strength check? Or save? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Mmm I think Magnolia doing a strength check, and the wood chipper doing a strength save.  That makes sense I think.

[Dice rolling.]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I rolled a natural one.

Jorja/Magnolia: I rolled a total of sixteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Jesus christ, we’re off to a great start! Ahh! Okay, yep, you hooked it around itself.

Jorja/Magnolia: Nice!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s a movement and an action. Bonus action?

Jorja/Magnolia: Can I use a bonus action to assess how the others are going?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sure but we’ll have to play that out first.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah yeah, my bonus action is to pay attention to the others.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sure. We’ll cut back to that in a second then. Lucille, you’re flying toward the middle one who’s just hit a regular wall.

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah. I want to grab out my - like an arrow from my shortbow thingy - and I wanna just try to stab it right into the centre of the. . . tongue? And try to, y'know. Destroy it like that.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So we have been saying ‘tongue’ but it is like . . a three pronged hook, like a fishing lure. So I don’t think - I can’t picture away where that makes sense.

Olive/Timmit: Where the lure meets the chain?

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah I was thinking on the chain bit, stab it in there and wiggle it about to try and - y’know, make a big hole?

Steven/Noah: Cause the plan was to remove the chain from the hook so that it’s just firing out blank chains everywhere.

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So we're trying to restrain it? Or we’re trying to pull the chain - okay.

Rosie/Lucille: I was gonna try to basically cut off the end bit. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I guess that’s an attack. But that's not really with a weapon that you have. That is. . . improvised weapon? What do you guys-

Olive/Timmit: Improvised weapon.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Which is just plus your strength, correct?

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, really?

Olive/Timmit: You could just use your sword, Rosie.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The walking stick.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah.

Rosie/Lucille: I was say - I was gonna use the arrow cause it’s sharp and metal but the walking stick is wooden.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It is like sharpened to a point from memory. Cause it is like a rapier.

Rosie/Lucille: Ah! Yeah okay, I’ll do that. I’ll use the walking stick, then. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll an attack roll with it then.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, right.

[Die rolling.]

Rosie/Lucille: Eighteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Eighteen? That will - how do I even describe it. You missed, essentially. It sort of wriggled out of the way and you weren't able to get that gap in the middle.

Rosie/Lucille: Okay, okay, interesting. I’ve still got a bonus action hey.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah. What would you like to do with your bonus action?

Rosie/Lucille: Excellent question. I think I'm going to start by - I’m gonna pick up the arm thingy. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sure. 

Rosie/Lucille: Like in preparation from my next move.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: We’ve moved on to Noah. Hi Noah.

Steven/Noah: Hi!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re going with Timmit towards the one that hit the glass window, right?

Steven/Noah: Si.

Olive/Timmit: Ye.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And what are you guys doing when you get there?

Steven/Noah: I’m gonna bend down and have a look at where the chain joins on to the hook, and I’m going to attempt to disassemble it using my smith’s tools.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll sleight of hand with your tool proficiency. This is what I think is fucked about this shit, is that you add your sleight of hand, which you’re proficient in, and then you add your proficiency bonus with your tools.

Jorja/Magnolia: That’s what expertise is!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah.

Steven/Noah: I’m just using the tools available to me. 

[Die rolls.]

Steven/Noah: That’s a twenty-nine.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, you know what? You’ve dislodged the hook from the chain. 

Steven/Noah: Slay.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Slay. Trying to think what it does, but it’s pretty unfeeling.

Steven/Noah: There was no reaction.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: There was no reaction. Sort of like - the chain wriggles around.

Steven/Noah: Noah and the robot are both like- 

(transcriber's note: I presume Steven made a face or gesture here)

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You also have a bonus action.

Steven/Noah: I’m going to telepathically communicate to Skittles and tell him to go over to Lucille and assist her.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay.

Rosie/Lucille: Woo! 

Steven/Noah: We did ours, you haven't done yours yet! I’m just helping.

[Rosie laughs]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And so Skittles is gonna use his turn to walk up to Rosie and just prepare, I guess. He’s like ‘what am I looking out for’ staring at the chain.

Steven/Noah: He can’t be surprised.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can’t throw him a surprise birthday party?

Steven/Noah: Nah.

Olive/Timmit: That’s the most devastating news I’ve heard all day.

Steven/Noah: He’s a robot: he knows when his birthday is.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Timmit.

Olive/Timmit: Oh well, my job’s done! So I’m just gonna hang out. Nah, I’m kidding. I’ll start rushing forward and see that Noah’s got it all covered and just speedily disassembles it and the hook plonks to the ground. “Okay?”

Steven/Noah: It’s all in the wrist.

Olive/Timmit: I’ll do a quick double-back and see that Lucille is now holding the chain, is that right?

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah. I’ve got - there’s a plan, I swear.

Olive/Timmit: I’m just gonna look over. “Lucille, do you want help?”

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, that’d be good, thanks Timmit!

Olive/Timmit: Am I - are we grabbing it? What’s happening?

Rosie/Lucille: I was gonna do a little twist around another tentacle?

Olive/Timmit: I’ll run over, help her grab the chain, and then - is there a pillar nearby that we can try to wrap it around? Or is it too far away?

Steven/Noah: How’s uh. . . how’s your strength?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s a little bit forward, but yeah. You could-

Olive/Timmit: My strength is horrid. I might try something else.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay.

Olive/Timmit: I’ll take out the sword that was just given to me. And I’ll look at it. “Please don’t fail me.” I’ll grab the pommel with both hands and you’ll see chills - like little icicles form on my arm and over my hands. 

[magical frost crackles]

Olive/Timmit: And the blade will have this sheen of frost over it. And I’ll use my chromatic dragon form to imbue it with a crystal-cold energy. And then I’ll lift it up and I’ll try to pin it down into place.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Wonderful. That’s an attack roll I suppose? This gift of the chromatic dragon that he got for his fourth level feat!

Olive/Timmit: That I haven’t gotten to use yet!

Steven/Noah: I was like ‘I don’t know what that is! The way that you're explaining it sounds like we should know what that is.’

Olive/Timmit: Yes!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re like this is magic you can do that?

Steven/Noah: Yeah I was like [dramatic groan].

Olive/Timmit: Yeah ‘What spell’s this?’

Steven/Noah: Technicality police!

Olive/Timmit: Witchcraft! Can I be a bit silly - can I have advantage cause Lucille is technically flanking it?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You know what? I’ll give you that.

Olive/Timmit: Yes!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’ll give you that. Gonna be a little cheeky.

Olive/Timmit: I’ll be a little cheeky.

[Dice rolls.]

Olive/Timmit: Okay. Nine. . . and one. Alright we’ll take that nine. And that’s a total of fourteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fourteen? The fourteen - with the crystal energy, you attempt to lock it down with the ice. And it shakes up a little bit and out of the way of your sword.

[Chain rattles]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: But yes that attack has missed.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah. Well that’s kind of my turn. I guess I’ll use the rest of my action to just - if I’ve missed-

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Well that was a bonus action to do gift of the chromatic dragon, right?

Olive/Timmit: Yeah. Can I just drop the sword and place both my hands next to Lucille's on the chain?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sure!

Olive/Timmit: Okay.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Tug-o-war.

Olive/Timmit: Done.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Quickly jumping back up to Magnolia’s bonus action about seeing how everyone’s doing: her roll . . .perception?

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay.

Steven/Noah: And we’re all doing poorly.

Olive/Timmit: No you did great!

Steven/Noah: True, the planners, the scientists, we got this.

Olive/Timmit: Whose plan was this sorry?

Jorja/Magnolia: Mine.

Olive/Timmit: . . . Fuck off.

[Laughter]

Olive/Timmit: The ‘planners’. Get outta here.

[Die roll]

Jorja/Magnolia: Twenty-four!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Jesus.

Jorja/Magnolia: *imitating* ‘Jesus!’ 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You see a lot. First of all you see you’re doing pretty good, you’re doing alright.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah baby!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Noah’s doing the best because he’s completely disengaged the chain.

Steven/Noah: Timmit helped.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Timmit’s veered over to help Lucille as you realise that she is attempting to man a wiggling chain.

Steven/Noah: And Skittles is just watching.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And it’s sort of attempting to pull a bit of pressure onto the one that you did. You can feel that the chain is trying to pull back. And the chain that Noah got rid of is starting its pull-back now as well. Lovely. It moves it to its turn. It’s going to spend. . . I’m gonna roll an attack against Lucille.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh excellent!

Steven/Noah: With what appendage?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The chain that she’s holding.

Steven/Noah: It’s just gonna whip it out and whack her in the face.

[Die rolls]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Does a fifteen hit your AC?

Rosie/Lucille: No! I’m sixteen!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Lucky. It’s . . . I don't really know if this counts as an attack. Let’s say it uses its second attack on the pillar that it’s currently wrapped around. Almost like-

Steven/Noah: This bitch.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah I’m gonna roll an attack roll on the pillar. Almost like a squeeze, like a python.

Steven/Noah: Hmm hate that.

[Die rolls]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I -fifteen against the fuckin pillar. What’s the pillar’s AC? It’s not moving, it’s fairly sturdy though. So I’m gonna say some cracks appear up the pillar.

[Plaster cracking]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: But the pillar is still intact. It does not have a move action, it says here on my sheet: speed zero. This creature is stationary and cannot move.

Olive/Timmit: Sick.

Steven/Noah: This isn’t even my final form.

Olive/Timmit: We were actually supposed to get to level one-hundred and then hear from below huge crashing noises and it has arms and legs as it climbs up the side of the building.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Jesus christ. Moving back to the top of the round then, Magnolia! Hello.

Jorja/Magnolia: Hello! So my pillar is cracking and yours is being pulled back in but it’s just a chain. That’s still bludgeoning.

Steven/Noah: But it won’t grapple you. And pull you towards your imminent death.

Jorja/Magnolia: That is true. And there’s two people at the other one.

Olive/Timmit: Who are slowly being dragged back in.

Steven/Noah: And Skittles is watching. Because he can’t help. 

Olive/Timmit: He’s a voyeur like that.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Hmm. Sorry I guess as part of its movement the chain that you’re holding will move in five feet as you get dragged tug-o-war style.

Olive/Timmit: *Groaning* Lucille don’t let go. Don’t let go!

Jorja/Magnolia: Can I walk to its mouth? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay.

Steven/Noah: She brave.

Jorja/Magnolia: Just a quick look on the walk past!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re just gonna walk right up to the front of its mouth?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah I kinda wanna essentially do a. . .

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So you’re on the side of it?

Jorja/Magnolia: A loop. I wanna be able to walk to it and then continue to Timmit and Lucille unless I see something that I wanna touch.

Steven/Noah: I like to think you’re just striding past, like ‘Eh, I’ve got time.’ 

Jorja/Magnolia: I got time!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: If you'd like to make a perception of some kind into its mouth? Is that what you’re trying to - walk past and look inside its mouth?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah pretty much.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Give it a go. You rolled a good one before.

[Die rolls]

Jorja/Magnolia: Nineteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You see a fire inside of its mouth, essentially. You can see small remnants of the head of Jackie. You see them slowly being burned into the furnace at its heart.

Jorja/Magnolia: Is it fire as we know it? Like does it just look like. . .

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah!

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay. So this is an office building.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes. Yes, with a fucking, you know, industrial woodchipper in it. Normal things. Casual.

Jorja/Magnolia: Normal office things - so normal office things, does that include one of those big jugs of water that you put a cup into?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It does! 

Jorja/Magnolia: Where the fuck is it?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s by the elevator.

Jorja/Magnolia: Goin’.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You wouldn't believe this - this is actually in my notes, I planned for this. Okay! You've walked up to it.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay, I am going to make a commotion. I am going to hold it in front of me. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’ve taken the cooler part out, or you've taken the whole cooler system?

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m just gonna hold the whole thing for the moment. And then I’m gonna move around a bunch and yell.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay! That’s your turn?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah. I don’t have anything I can throw - oh! I have a club. It isn’t a thrown weapon- can I throw it?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah. You’re not doing it to deal damage are you? You’re just throwing it?

Jorja/Magnolia: Nope! Yep! Do I have to roll?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I forgot that you haven’t - you have that and you haven’t used it for ages.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah! Cause I got a cool morningstar instead.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah roll the improvised weapon which is plus your strength.

Jorja/Magnolia: Twenty.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Twenty? Is that a natural twenty?

Jorja/Magnolia: No, I rolled a sixteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Where you aiming?

Jorja/Magnolia: At the monster - like the woodchipper, not the arms, the actual thing itself.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright. You see the base of its mouth is like a conveyor belt that’s gonna pull the wood into it - it’s wooden club, right?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah a wooden club into its mouth and - chip!

Jorja/Magnolia: Perfect!

[actual woodchipper grinding sounds in addition to Tyrone vocalising a woodchipper grinding]

Jorja/Magnolia: And then I just go into Magnolia-rage and go “Ahhh!” 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s going “RRRR” and you’re like “Ahhh!”

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m louder than you! Hit me!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That is your turn?

Jorja/Magnolia: That’s my turn!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Lucille!

Rosie/Lucille: Yes, yes!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: *imitating* Yes!

Rosie/Lucille: Yes! “Hey Timmit, we need to go to that other pillar.” Cause I wanna twist it around the other pillar, cause there's one nearby isn't there?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, close enough-ish.

Rosie/Lucille: Okay, cool.

Olive/Timmit: Okay, I’ll follow you.

Rosie/Lucille: “Yes!” I’m gonna lead the way and pull the thingy and try to twist it around the pillar that’s closest.

Olive/Timmit: I’ll use my reaction to assist.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sure. Roll a strength check at advantage.

Rosie/Lucille: *laughing* My strength is awful.

Jorja/Magnolia: Can’t relate.

Olive/Timmit: Me too.

Rosie/Lucille: Mine’s one.

Olive/Timmit: Me too!

[Die rolls]

Rosie/Lucille: Nineteen!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ooh I rolled an eighteen. Oh wait! No I lied, I’m sorry, I was rolling a check when I need to roll a saving throw. That’s a twenty one.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh no!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You attempt to wrap it around this pillar and instead you end up rodeo-style being thrown off this chain and you are no longer holding it. Timmit, you’re still there.

Rosie/Lucille: Okay! That could have gone worse.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Could’ve gone a lot worse.

Rosie/Lucille: I’m gonna look around to see what the others are doing. I’ve given up on that one.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: We’ll let the other guys have their turns and I’ll let you know what they’re doing. Noah!

Steven/Noah: That’s me. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What are you doing?

Steven/Noah: Well I can see Magnolia has a plan, but I can also see that there are two hooks, and I don't like that. So I’m gonna go to the one wrapped around the pillar and try to disassemble it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You have to roll the sleight-of-hand again.

[Die rolls]

Steven/Noah: I rolled a dirty twenty.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fucking christ.

Steven/Noah: The base roll was a nine.

Olive/Timmit: What the fuck.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes, that does beat its AC. And so once again you have pulled apart the little connection between the chain and the hook.

Steven/Noah: So because it’s wrapped around, I’m gonna go for the shortest point where it first hits the pillar - not where wraps all around but like at the first point?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, I figured that’s what you were doing, you weren’t gonna - yeah. Cause it’s only connected to that part.

Steven/Noah: So once I disconnect it, there’s no chain left after the pillar, so it’s only chained between it and the pillar.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, so there’s just a bit of chain in between it and it’s got a longer bit of chain and hook.

Steven/Noah: Yeah. That are wrapped around the cracked pillar.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So you've essentially gone up with a pair of bolt cutters and snapped one of the chains.

Steven/Noah: Yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay! Again, you have a bonus action if you’d like.

Steven/Noah: Yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That last time you gave orders to Skittles.

Steven/Noah: Yeah, but last time he just kind of watched because no one was in immediate danger. So, you’re holding onto the chain? Lucille, you’ve just let go because you were thrown off. Sure, I am going to instruct Skittles to grab onto the chain that Timmit is holding to give him a hand with that. He’s got little claws. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, and then Skittles goes up and joins the tug-of-war is what I’m hearing? 

Steven/Noah: Yeah, so he’ll move closer towards the mouth of the robot, and he’ll be in between the robot and Timmit. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That makes sense. Speaking of which, Timmit, it is your go.  

Olive/Timmit: Okay, so Lucille’s been thrown off and Timmit is just holding on. He can see Skittles is coming to help, but he’s being dragged towards the maw of the fire-breathing wood chipper.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Very slowly.

Olive/Timmit: And trying his best to pull back but getting no traction. He’s like, “Help, help, help. Anyone?” I’ll look back and see Magnolia with the huge water cooler, and see the water and look back at the fire. “Genius. Magnolia! This one’s for you. Everyone get down!” and I’m going to let go of the chain, and I’ll use my action to try and pull Skittles away as well, and we’ll both rush off to the side trying to get out of the view of the maw.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Does Skittles listen? Because his instructions is to hold the chain, but I guess was his instruction to help Timmit if Timmit is doing that. I’m trying to decide if Skittles willingly goes with you.

Jorja/Magnolia: Skittles is smarter than half of our party. 

Steven/Noah: Valid. Well, he has my intelligence, so…

Jorja/Magnolia: Yep, so actually, he’s smarter than everyone. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, yeah. I think he’ll come with you. I think the mission was more about helping Timmit than anything.

Steven/Noah: And Timmit has changed plans, so Skittles has also changed plans.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep.

Olive/Timmit: What an adaptable boy.

Steven/Noah: He’s such a good boy.

Olive/Timmit: He’s such a good boy. So yeah, I’ll grab Skittles and we’ll scurry off to the side, getting as close to it as possible because it can’t move, and get out of shot, and that will be my whole turn.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Wonderful. It’s the wood chipper’s turn. It’s pulling everything in. First of all it’s going to- Oh, no it’s not. That bit’s free. I was about to say it hits the pillar but I guess it's going to pull that in as well. Pull in two empty chains and one with a hook still attached to it.

Steven/Noah: You’re welcome. I’m disassembling your creature.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And sure, I’ll fall into your trap. What’s its intelligence? Plus zero.

Olive/Timmit: That one smart woodchipper. 

Steven/Noah: He needs a maker

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: His charisma is negative one. 

Olive/Timmit: That wood chipper ain’t going out on no dates.

[dice rolls]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Damn, why am I rolling shit? It’s just rolled a fourteen against you.

Jorja/Magnolia: Against me? It misses me.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, well you’re jumping around holding the water cooler, so it’s going to go for you because you’re moving around. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Well, there’s a water cooler in front of me, so if it misses me does it hit a water cooler?  

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It depends. Are you going to use a reaction or something to throw a water cooler?

Jorja/Magnolia: Is this the hook one?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, it’s the hook one because it’s dumb, but it’s not dumb.

Jorja/Magnolia: I will absolutely try to intercept with a water cooler. I want it to try and hit the base, not the actual plastic of it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How do you intercept with it and now make it hit that even though it’s currently its attack? 

Jorja/Magnolia: How do you hit inanimate objects?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sleight of hand?

Jorja/Magnolia: I also have a reaction. It’s called Lucky Footwork. I can add a dice roll to a dex save. I don’t know if that helps in this situation, but it is listed in my reactions. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I want to say roll a dex save, I guess, is equivalent to your reaction of throwing a water cooler system.

Jorja/Magnolia: I get to finally use my saves.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Which is currently ridiculous.

[dice rolls]

Jorja/Magnolia: I am going to add the d4 to it. 

[dice rolls]

Jorja/Magnolia: Seventeen is what I rolled for the dex save, which beats your hit, so I can throw it into it?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, let’s do that. I think that’s best. I was like, ‘It doesn’t hit it’s AC, but I think it beats its hit.’

Jorja/Magnolia: Because the dex is to try and throw it into the hit. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yep.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I beat that logic. Listeners, if you don’t, put me on try.

Jorja/Magnolia: That’s how I interpreted it.

Steven/Noah: I picture you holding the water cooler out, and then it just hits the wall, like, ‘Dude!’

Jorja/Magnolia: ‘Come on man.’

Steven/Noah: ‘Aww man.’

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep, so it’s now wrapped around this water cooler, and it’s now dragging it back towards itself. 

[Chain rattles, hook thuds. Crank begins clicking]

Jorja/Magnolia: Perfect. Job done. Let’s go.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s then going to use its second attack-

Jorja/Magnolia: Yep, go on. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: To hit Lucille. I feel like she’s in the middle of the room. 

Rosie/Lucille: Yep.

[dice rolls]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: With an eighteen this time. 

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, yep, that would hit.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That would hit?

Rosie/Lucille: Yup.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes! I will reduce the damage a little bit because it doesn’t have the hook anymore.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, it’s just the chain.

Rosie/Lucille: I was going to say, ‘You’re just kind of whacking me.’

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s going to whip you essentially. I won’t add the bonus.

Rosie/Lucille: Hot. 

[dice rolls]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’ve taken fifteen bludgeoning damage as this chain whips you.

Rosie/Lucille: What?

[Chain rattles]

Rosie/Lucille: Oh wait, I have a thing, I think.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You have luck.

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, I have Uncanny Dodge. So, starting at fifth level, when an attacker hits you with an attack you can see, I can use my reaction to halve the attack’s damage. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s right. Fuck yeah. So, you take seven points instead.

Rosie/Lucille: Heck yeah.

Olive/Timmit: Nice.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How does that- I’m trying to figure out how that works.  

Olive/Timmit: It’s just a rogue feat.

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, I’m trying to think of it flavour wise.

Olive/Timmit: Oh, well I mean it is just a chain.

Jorja/Magnolia: So, she can kind of dodge it a little bit so it grazes instead of punches. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah.  

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille saw it and was like, “Ah!” and then dodged.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It didn’t hit your face. You turned around and hit your back instead.

Jorja/Magnolia: Hit my ass!

Rosie/Lucille: Hit me on the bottom.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Smack my ass like a drum. Okay, and that’s its turn. So, one has whipped out to Lucille. Hit her, and is slowly dragging back in. One is dragging the water cooler back in, and there’s one that is inside it. Magnolia.

Jorja/Magnolia: Hello.    

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s your turn.

Jorja/Magnolia: Alright. How close is the water cooler to its mouth?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Probably about fifteen feet.

Jorja/Magnolia: How far does it move in a turn?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How far have I been saying? Ten feet.

Jorja/Magnolia: Ten feet. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re like, ‘Come on buddy.’

Jorja/Magnolia: Can I help it?

Olive/Timmit: Push it along.

Rosie/Lucille: If you want to do something with pizzazz but for time sakes we could exit out of initiative and wait for it to swallow-

Jorja/Magnolia: There’s nothing on it except for the tongues that come out that are doing damage, right?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No.

Jorja/Magnolia: Because we’ve seen things get close to it, and there isn’t just a weird arm off to the side?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No. No, it’s just the chains.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay, I have a dumb idea. I might just go up and stand on it and wait for the water cooler and hit it with the morningstar as it’s above it. 

Olive/Timmit: Cool.

Jorja/Magnolia: Cool, I’m going to go and do that. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So you’re going to jump on top of it?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yep, with my rabbit hop.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Wabbit hop. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Wabbit.

Steven/Noah: Wabbit season.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You are sitting there waiting, like [panting].

Jorja/Magnolia: Hold my attack. I’ll fucking get you.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That brings it to Lucille.

Rosie/Lucille: Alright, I’ve been whipped. Oh no. So, I imagine, I’m going to turn around and look at it, and I’m pretty angry because I’ve been hit, and Lucille does not like to be hit - especially whipped. So, I’m going to take out my little arrow, and I’m going to shoot it directly into its mouth.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay.

[dice rolls]

Rosie/Lucille: [exclamation] I rolled fifteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fifteen?

Rosie/Lucille: Yep.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: With a fifteen-

Rosie/Lucille: Oh! I want to reroll that with my luck.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay.

Rosie/Lucille: Because that’s not going to hit, is it? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ah, you get to know the answer. No, that won’t hit. 

[dice rolls]

Rosie/Lucille: [exclamation into a sob] I got a one. 

Jorja/Magnolia: I think with luck you choose which roll.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, but either way.

Rosie/Lucille: But either way. How many luck points do I have?

Jorja/Magnolia: Three. 

Rosie/Lucille: I really want to shoot it in the mouth. I’m going to use a second luck point. 

Olive/Timmit: I don’t think you can use luck points consecutively.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh really? Oh, it says, ‘You can roll one luck point to roll an additional throw whenever you roll an attack roll or ability check or a saving throw.’ 

Olive/Timmit: That’s brutally insane.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay so, with a fifteen, your arrow just flies straight towards the fire and lands perfectly inside it

Rosie/Lucille: Okay, yeah. Excellent.

Jorja/Magnolia: Magnolia stood there and was like, “Nice shot!” 

Rosie/Lucille: Thanks!

Olive/Timmit: Another arrow lost to the wilds.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: At least you didn’t get a nat one or that would have been hitting Magnolia. 

Jorja/Magnolia: I’ll take it. Add sneak attack while you’re at it. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You do have movement and bonus.

Rosie/Lucille: I’m just going to go closer to the mouth. I’m going to walk up to the mouth.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay.

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, and I’m going to walk up to the mouth with… No, I’m not going to take out my walking stick. That will burn in the mouth. I’m just going to walk up to the mouth.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Wonderful. It’s now Noah’s turn.

Steven/Noah: I don’t like how happy you are with that. [elongated] ‘Wonderful. Stay near the mouth’

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, neither. That’s very scary.

Steven/Noah: Right? I’m not going near the mouth. I’m going to… What am I going to do? There’s one chain wrapped around a water bottle. One chain still in its mouth. One chain with Lucille, and Skittles and Timmit are just watching. I guess I use my movement to move towards Timmit and Skittles. 

Olive/Timmit: We’re right beside the machine.

Steven/Noah: Ah, no. I’m probably going to head back towards the door. The one we came in with the stairs.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah. You’re moving outside the doorway, or just to the doorway?

Steven/Noah: No, no. To the doorway. I’m going to stand at the doorway. I’m going to use my bonus action to instruct SKittles to come back to me, and then - can I wait for him to come back to me, and then use my movement to climb back on top?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, I’ll allow it. Sure. Your turns are sort of intermingled anyway.

Steven/Noah: Yeah, I figured the movements and the actions kind of all happen at the same time.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, considering your movement half the time is actually Skittles’s movement. 

Steven/Noah: True, I don’t actually move at all. My feet are very sore. I’ve been walking around a lot lately. Yeah, I’m just going to stay at the door.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay. 

Steven/Noah: I’m on Skittles where I belong.

Olive/Timmit: So, just as a point of- I would have been on Skittles.

Steven/Noah: Did you jump on him? Or did you move with him?

Olive/Timmit: I was moving with him, but I would have gotten on him to get out of the way.

Steven/Noah: Oh, sure.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are you coming with him?

Olive/Timmit: So, as Skittles begins to move, what I want to do is to use my reaction to hop off of Skittles as he passes by Lucille.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay.

Steven/Noah: Halfway across the journey, ‘Oh, that’s my stop.’

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, ‘Thank you so much Skittles.’

Steven/Noah: ‘Make sure you pay the driver.’ 

Olive/Timmit: ‘I’ll leave you a tip.’ And then it’s my turn now, yes?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah.

Olive/Timmit: Sick. I’m going to take both hands, grab Lucille’s shoulder, and then we’re going to move around behind a pillar, and I’m just going to grab her and be like, “Lucille, it’s time to go now. It;s time to move away from the big scary machine now.”  

Rosie/Lucille: What? But there’s a nice glow in there.

Olive/Timmit: “I know, I know. It’s so beautiful. We’ll get to check it out later. Just here-” and we’ll just hide behind a pillar because I can only drag her fifteen feet.

Rosie/Lucille: All warm and cosy. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, that works. That’s behind the damaged one. 

Steven/Noah: Oh, goody!

Olive/Timmit: There’s no other closer one?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: There’s the other one, but it’s a bit further back.

Olive/Timmit: Ah shit. No, that’s alright. We’ll take the damaged one. Roll the dice.  

Steven/Noah: She’s still standing, it’s fine.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, yeah, it’s fine. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are you going fairly willingly Lucille? I imagine.

I’m a bit riled up like I’m ready to attack to it, but I’ll go.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, that’s your turn as well?

Olive/Timmit: Yes, that’s my turn. I’ll use my bonus action to peer around ready myself. To brace myself when needed.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, it moves to its turn. Okay, sure. It’s going to do an attack again.

[dice rolls]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Natural twenty, but it was on the water cooler, so it’s gone with another chain and wrapped it around it, and is essentially going to use its other turn to expedite the process of pulling in the target.  

Olive/Timmit: Hell yeah.

Jorja/Magnolia: I hit.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s your reaction? Is an attack?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes. Roll an attack. I feel like you have to roll an attack. 

[dice rolls]

Jorja/Magnolia: Mmm, close. Twenty-four. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, so the water gets pulled in by the conveyer belt and fucking explodes everywhere.

[shredder water followed by a gush of water]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It gets all into the grooves of the machine as it goes down into the conveyor belt. It slides along it as it goes into the heart of it. Into the fire. You hear this sizzle inside of it as you can hear the conveyor belt slowing down into a stop. All seems to be quiet.

Steven/Noah: Are we out of combat? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You are out of combat.

Olive/Timmit: I’ll just peer around the- How big was the explosion? Was it just a little implosion in of itself, or was-?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, okay, cool. 

Steven/Noah: ‘No, you’re all moist.’ 

Olive/Timmit: Yeah. I’ll peer around the corner carefully. I’ll be like, “Magnolia?”

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes?

Olive/Timmit: Oh okay, you’re alright. Okay.

Steven/Noah: Magnolia, what’s going on?

Jorja/Magnolia: I don’t know. 

Steven/Noah: Oh.

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m just going to look in its mouth.

[laughter]

Rosie/Lucille: It’s just a cosy little bed now. Just nice and warm.

Jorja/Magnolia: It can’t turn back on.

Steven/Noah: Can I walk up to it and start disassembling it? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sure. As you’re climbing inside of it and disassembling it, the speakers in the room are going to activate again. Not violin music this time, but rather - I’m going to say it sounds like construction. Like noising of jackhammering and…

Jorja/Magnolia: Jacky.

Olive/Timmit: Too soon. Too soon.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Hammering and hammering and buzzsawing and shit. It’s going to fill the room very loudly.

Steven/Noah: So, it kind of sounded like Noah’s room on the previous night? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah.

Steven/Noah: Stunning.

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh, white noise. Stunning. We continue as we go. 

Olive/Timmit: As they’re investigating and disassembling the mouth, I would like to investigate the rest of the room. Check out the violin, any other personal items that might be in this room that belonged to this person that I don’t know.   

Steven/Noah: We haven’t even explained to you- Oh shit, we’re the worst.   

Olive/Timmit: I just think it’s a stranger that was trying to ask for help, but now they’ve disappeared. There’s occasionally some little crystals that have been wrapped around with strings.

Steven/Noah: He hasn’t disappeared. He’s all over the room. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Jesus Christ.

Olive/Timmit: I keep forgetting that little detail. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master Yeah, there’s blood all over the carpet. 

Rosie/Lucille: Oh yeah, we’d be all covered in blood at the moment, wouldn’t we?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You wouldn’t be covered in blood, but the room is. 

Olive/Timmit: Our shoes are coated in it.

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah nice, yeah nice.

Steven/Noah: I’ve got to go and polish Skittles’s feet later.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The construction noise is -almost like static, maybe like a radio trying to tune itself in trying to find the right station. It eventually stops on one. It’s going to be this deep grating voice. It’s going to be like:

Tyrone/Astroexanimus: What brings you inside here? 

Olive/Timmit: I totally picture Magnolia being halfway through the mouth like, [panicked noise].

Jorja/Magnolia: In the mouth or in the room?

Tyrone/Astroexanimus: Inside me.

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh, what the fuck? So the mouth. Are you the building? Are you the planet?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s Gaia.  

Tyrone/Astroexanimus: Yes, I am the structure. This building. What brings you here? You’ve deactivated some security mechanisms it seems.

Jorja/Magnolia: This guy? He kind of killed our friend.

Tyrone/Astroexanimus: As was its job. Dismantling its magical essence.  

Jorja/Magnolia: “Why don’t you like magic?” I’m still looking around in the mouth. I ain’t wasting time.

Tyrone/Astroexanimus: It’s not a matter of like and dislike. It is my purpose in the cycle of life.

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh.

Tyrone/Astroexanimus: One gives and one takes.

Jorja/Magnolia: So then, what do you give?

Tyrone/Astroexanimus: I do not give. That is another’s job. I take.

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh, so who gives?

Tyrone/Astroexanimus: I will be taking from you now, thank you.

Jorja/Magnolia: I don’t really like that.

Steven/Noah: ‘Yeah, that sounds great, but-’

Tyrone/Astroexanimus: As you have come in here to take from me.

Jorja/Magnolia: Not really.

Olive/Timmit: Sorry to interrupt, but with checking out the personal belongings and the violin, can I see if there’s a way to interrupt the system? Because the person was playing the violin, right? Is there a microphone or speaker that’s connected to a soundboard system? Or even just a basic plug in to a wall or something?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, it is more that - where the speakers are - there is also mikes. This whole room is miked up. 

Olive/Timmit: Can I try to override their voice?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, I imagine you pulling up a chair to this corner of the room, and you’re trying to pick yourself up.

Olive/Timmit: So, I drag a chair over and sit it down. I’ll pick the violin up and look it over, and pluck it once or twice. Then I’ll stand up on the chair right in front of it, and as it’s talking to Magnolia, I’ll be like, “I could buy you a bit of time if you like?”

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m inside a fucking machine right now.

Steven/Noah: Yeah, Noah’s just going to look up from whatever he’s doing and then just return.

Olive/Timmit: [clears throat] I’ll speak right into the microphone. “Excuse me sir, but we’ve quite had enough of you. We’ll be back later, I promise, but in the meantime please hold and wait for our return,” and I’ll start playing the violin.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll me a performance check.

Olive/Timmit: Okie-dokie.

Jorja/Magnolia: It just sounds like nails on a chalkboard.

[dice rolls]

Olive/Timmit: Twenty-five.

Jorja/Magnolia: Woah.

Steven/Noah: Why are you proficient in violin?

Olive/Timmit: One of the proficiencies that I’ve got to take is performance for my background, so I’ve just got performance in my back pocket there.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I feel like you’ve had violin lessons in your childhood.

Olive/Timmit: Oh yeah - violin, piano - very classical instruments. Cello as well.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And do you also play Toss a Coin to Your Witcher?

Olive/Timmit: No absolutely, I would have played more classical music.

[upbeat violin music can be heard]

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, Burn Butcher Burn from season two.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, exactly.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I was going to say one of the symphonies.

Olive/Timmit: Burn butcher.

Jorja/Magnolia: Eighteen twelve overture.  

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Lucille, what are you up to at the moment?

Rosie/Lucille: At the moment I was just listening to the thing talk because that’s pretty spooky, and Lucille doesn’t like it when things are coming from all over the room and she can’t really tell what it is, so she’s kind of a bit shocked and spooked at the moment.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So she’s just standing in shock?

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, pretty much.

Steven/Noah: Sounds like she needs the calming voice of her conscience. I’m kidding, he’s busy. 

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah no, Lucille’s just standing there and she’s looking around, feeling really, really scared, and she’s like, “Guys? I thought we killed it?” I don’t know why she says we when all of her attacks completely failed, but yep.

Steven/Noah: During my disassemblement, can I check to see whether a part of this robot is connected to the main structure? Like a power source or something?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, it’s going to connect to the main power source of the building.

Steven/Noah: Can I see in which direction that appears to be? Is it up? Is it down?

Olive/Timmit: Let’s get into the mainframe.

Steven/Noah: Let’s hack in. Photosynthesis.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It seems to go up.

Steven/Noah: Of course it would. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re playing the violin and it’s like:

Tyrone/Astroexanimus: Stop! What are you- Stop! What do you want!?

Olive/Timmit: [mimics a violin ditty]

Jorja/Magnolia: Hearing Lucille be like, ‘I thought we killed it,’ I’m going to climb out of however I was in it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Just in its mouth.

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m just going to tap Lucille on the shoulder and be like, “Don’t worry, we’ll get it,” and I’ll thank Timmit. I’ll just be like, “Thank you, I’m just going to say something.”

Olive/Timmit: “Okay.” I’ll hop down and just…

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay.

Steven/Noah: ‘And back to your regularly scheduled program.’

Olive/Timmit: Yeah. ‘And now I bring to you one of the finest paladins in the land.’

Jorja/Magnolia: ‘Magnolia! Woo, woo, woo.’

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: ‘You’ve reached Cleric FM’ 

Olive/Timmit: ‘So Magnolia…’

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m going to get up to where Timmit was, and I’ll be like, “Okay-”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You don’t need a chair to stand on, you just stand.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah no.

Olive/Timmit: I’ll just hop off my little chair.

Jorja/Magnolia: I’ll kick it out of the way.

Olive/Timmit: Just backhoof it. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah. “Alright, so there have been multiple instances in my time on this weird fucking planet where I’ve tried the peaceful route. I’ve tried to be nice. I’ve tried to take care of people and things get ruined. You have killed our friend after a safety measure. You’ve threatened to take my magic away, so where are you? I’m coming to find you.”

Steven/Noah: Okay, Noah’s going to stop what he’s doing immediately and listen, and he’s going to listen to Magnolia and be like, “Oh.” Because we’re normally the peacekeepers.

Olive/Timmit: The violin music shifts drastically from a relatively upbeat thing to tension.  

[the violin music music becomes sombre and slow]

Tyrone/Astroexanimus: I am all around you, and I challenge you to take me down.

Olive/Timmit: Bad idea. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Everyone, you are going to feel the building tremble a little bit as if a minor tremor has hit it, and you are going to feel essentially an aura- A surge of power come over the entire space, as you feel a little bit of energy get sucked out of you, and each of you takes five points of necrotic damage.  

Jorja/Magnolia: Ooo.

Olive/Timmit: Ooo.

Rosie/Lucille: Ah. I can’t use Uncanny Dodge for that can I? Because that’s not really an attack, is it?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, it’s not an attack you can see.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh.

Tyrone/Astroexanimus: I challenge you to take me down before I take you down. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And the building shakes again.

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh buddy, you will regret that. I will rip the heart out of this building if it’s the last thing I do. I’m not scared of you.

Theme Song: [rock music plays]

Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Thank you so much for listening to Portal Quandary. Portal Quandary is made possible by the following people: Myself, Tyrone Cross as Dungeon Master, Editing, and Community Manager, Steven Edwards as Noah, Olive Jerome as Timothy, Rosemary Ochtman as Lucille, and Jorja Odd as Magnolia. Elias Moffat is our Content Producer, Narrative Consultant, and Transcriber, and that theme song is Belly of the Beast by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas. We’re on the lookout for a couple of people to join our team as a Community Manager and as a Transcriber, so if that sounds like you, please slide into our DMs or shoot us an email, and that email is portalquandary@gmail.com. We’re also on a bunch of social media now including Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, Threads, and Patreon, all of which are @PortalQuandary. And this podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people, and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders. 

Theme Song: [rock music continues]

Finding home in the belly of the beast, (in the belly of the beast), to make it home we can’t accept defeat, (there’s no turning back) so roll the dice and come along with me, (come along with me, let’s go), finding home in the belly of the beast.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Hey, Tyrone here, the Dungeon Master and Editor. This is usually where I put of all the funnies when they don’t quite make it into the episode but I still want to put it in the episode. Anyway, all of the funnies made it into the episode this week, so there was nothing to put here, so I decided instead I’d do a little plug and ask you very nicely if you could give us a review on Spotify, Apple Podcasts - literally just wherever you’re listening to this right now. You know, do the star review. Spotify has that little comment thing now, or maybe head over to our socials. You know, Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, and give us a like there. Shout it out. Recommend it to your friends of course. You can come join our Patreon. Our Patreon’s got awesome things there like bonus episodes, ad-free episodes. We’ve got all of our monster sheets and character sheets there. You’ve got early access at some of the higher tiers. You’ve really got a lot there to engage with the Portal Quandary community. Anyway, I’ll talk to you next episode which is coming out in three weeks.