Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Portal Quandary has some content warnings, which you can find in the episode description.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Kyros narrowly dodges the swipe of the sword, the stale underground air rushing past his face in the wake of the blade. Agent Khione is relentless, pressing forward and taking another swing at him. He leaps into the air, his wings carrying him up and out of reach. The remnants of Khione’s wings flutter instinctively, but there isn’t enough of them left to launch her after him. She lets out a warcry, circling below him like a predatory beast. Kyros hovers, surveying the room.  He’s high up, but there’s nothing to land on save the giant globe covered in magic. He drifts closer, but the second his ankle brushes a stray strand of the weblike magic illuminating the room, he feels a tug at his very core. He drops with a gasp and feels the sting of Khione’s sword biting into his leg. With a start, he shoots back up, carefully avoiding the errant strands of magic breaking free from the web around the globe that disappear up and out of the room. It nearly felt like he touched the magic of the antimagic glamour itself, and for a brief moment his own magical essence was. . . gone. He shudders. Thankfully the effect didn’t last. He will have to stay up by the power of his own stamina until either he lands or until Khione finds something she can throw to bring him down. He swallows, fluttering across the space. Blood drips out of the cut in his calf, but it isn’t life-threatening. His mana is nearly completely restored after withering away in the magic-warded cell, then calling up the dredges of it to cast disguise self earlier. With that he can fight back, at least, but he doesn’t like his chances against the seasoned Winter Court warrior in such close quarters. The thought sinks in, jolting Kyros out of his musing - his mana is nearly completely restored. And after his close call with the web of magic, he is nearly certain that he has the final piece of the puzzle that is the Winter Court’s glamour. Kyros knows how he will complete step three of his plan. He just has to survive long enough to see it through.

Tyrone/Khione: If you come down, Kyros, I promise I will see you to back to your cell alive. Facts are on the table - I can’t follow you up here, and I don’t have all day to way for you to tire yourself out.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Khione calls below him. 

Tyrone/Khione: But, if you choose to waste anymore of my time, I’ll make sure you can’t carry yourself out on your own two feet to that cell, you mangy, grub-munching, grit-eating sack of rotten detritus. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Kyros huffs. No need to be rude about it. He looks inward a moment. His mana is there, like a full stomach of good food, content but not heavy inside him. Not much longer now.

Tyrone/Kyros: How can I guarantee you won’t just stab me?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He calls down. 

Tyrone/Kyros: After all, your people banished their own kind for disagreeing with them. You’re not what I’d call trustworthy. Or sane.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Khione narrows her eyes, stepping back and lowering the sword. 

Tyrone/Khione: Last chance.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Kyros lowers slowly, keeping his eye on the blade tinted red. He can feel the magic buzzing through his limbs. It can tell he’s nearly there, his intention brings it to the surface. His feet touch down on the ground. Khione makes a move, and Kyros launches away from her, using his wings to propel him to the side until he reaches the giant lever he needs. Khione screeches, a hair behind him. Kyros throws himself onto the lever, wrenching it down and with an audible hum, something inside the huge orb dims, powering down. 

[machinery shuttering]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He keeps moving, throwing himself to the ground away from Khione’s blade, and finally  lets all of his magic free at once as he channels a spell. The restoration spell races to the net surrounding the globe, and like flames to a web, it eats through the strands of magic, degrading it more and more in a matter of seconds. Khione stumbles, turning to watch the display with horror. The net is nearly gone, flickering and buzzing as the glamour destabilises.

Tyrone/Khione: What have you-

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The world goes muted. Khione darts to the door. Kyros curls up. He’s hardly closed his eyes when the deafening- 

[explosion]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And the shockwave emit from the orb, washing the entire room in light and chaos.

[mystical, slow, chiming music is heard]

Theme Song: [rock music plays]

Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Hello.

Olive/Timmit: Hello.

Rosie/Lucille: Heyo

Jorja/Magnolia: Hello

Steven/Noah: Hey.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And you’re listening to Portal Quandary. We’re up to episode twenty-five. This is the ultimate finale. It’s the ultimate showdown. 

All: *imitates airhorn* 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, wipe that smile off your face. Roll initiative. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Don’t tell me what to do.

Rosie/Lucille: I got a twenty. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You didn’t even roll the dice yet.

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh.

Olive/Timmit: Oh, get out of here! 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You saw that.

Olive/Timmit: Yep.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What did you get? 

Steven/Noah: Well I got a dirty twenty.

Olive/Timmit: Well I got a twenty-two with a natural twenty.

Steven/Noah: [mocking] I got a natural twenty. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Wait, so what’s your dexterity score?

Olive/Timmit: Fourteen, so plus two.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Well, my dexterity is fifteen, so beat you.

Olive/Timmit: Well, how about you just…

Jorja/Magnolia: I got a dirty twenty-two.

Rosie/Lucille: I got a dirty twenty-three. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Why the fuck are we all twenty and above? 

Olive/Timmit: Last battle. You’ve got to go out with a bang. 

Steven/Noah: Can I- I’m just googling something really quick. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are you googling if you can use your flash of genius on your initiative? 

Steven/Noah: Saving throws: no. Initiative rolls: yes. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I’m pretty sure you can because, in the same instance, Lucille can use her lucky feat on her initiative. 

Steven/Noah: In that case, I actually got a twenty-four.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What happened?

Steven/Noah: I thought about attacking, and then I thought, ‘Wait, I’ve got a better way of attacking,’ so I did that instead. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, and I assume Goaty’s here.

Rosie/Lucille: Na, I don’t want to waste a spell slot. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Did he die?

Rosie/Lucille: Oh no, is he just always here? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh yeah, Goaty’s here. Yeah, then sure, yeah. I know how my spells work.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I was like, ‘You brought him back.’

Olive/Timmit: Can he not be here for this battle because if he dies halfway through you’re going to waste a spell slot bringing him back.

Rosie/Lucille: No, Goaty’s good luck. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, here’s the order. We have: the Astroglamos; then Timmit; then goes Noah and Skittles with his twenty-four; then goes Lucille and Goaty; then Magnolia and Toby; and then Cleary.

Steven/Noah: Yes Cleary!

Jorja/Magnolia: Woo!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, this tree: we’re currently two hundred feet away from it. It’s going to dig its roots into the ground, and then they’re going to spike up and create a root shield around itself like a perfect sphere and completely surrounding itself, so now you can’t see the tree. It is a barrier of tree roots. 

Steven/Noah: Does it still have roots in the ground? Can it move?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes. 

Steven/Noah: Balls.

Olive/Timmit: That was going to be my reaction - balls. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s now going to use its movement to move forty feet towards you, so now it is one hundred and sixty feet away from you. It’s got its defences up. Timmit, your go, baby.

Olive/Timmit: “Oh, me first?” So, wait. Can we see it still, or no?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can see the tree. You can only see the roots that it made a shield around itself with.

Olive/Timmit: Alright, should I just blow a big hole in the centre of it? 

Steven/Noah: Fireball. *sings the tune from Fireball by Pitbull*

Olive/Timmit: *continues the tune* Okay, alright. I’ll focus and bring my hands together and create the energy of fire in my palms and grow it out and expand until it's this large fireball. I’ll swing it around and swing it directly at the-

Steven/Noah: The tree dome. 

Olive/Timmit: The tree dome.

[intense flames whooshing SFX]

Olive/Timmit: The dome of wood.

Steven/Noah: The root dome.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Just a reminder from last episode now, the power of Glamos is coursing through us all causing one aspect of our magic to enhance. So, you can double any one aspect essentially. Its range, its area of effect, its damage, its healing power (it depends on the spell).

Olive/Timmit: Is there anyone else within forty feet?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I believe you’re all standing together, so I don’t believe so. 

Olive/Timmit: We’re going to expand the range, and that should blow into the circle and hopefully catch it in the process. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s a good theory.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, let’s throw the Fireball, and as it lands - like the day previous - the range will catastrophically blow out of proportion to double the effect.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Do you mean area of effect?

Olive/Timmit: Yep, I sure do. It needs to make a dexterity saving throw for me, please.  

Steven/Noah: It doesn’t sound very dextrous as it’s rooted to the ground.

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I rolled a fifteen.

Olive/Timmit: Failure.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ah!

Steven/Noah: That’s the sound of the tree being on fire. ‘Ah!’

*dice rolling*

Olive/Timmit: Thirty-seven points of fire damage. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh boy, hitting this shield you can see just how thick the layers of roots are. You’ve gotten through fifteen feet, and then it’s burned a nice-shaped hole. You’ve burned a forty foot high archway, and now you can see the Astroglamos. The tree in the middle.

Olive/Timmit: Hell yeah, there it is.

Rosie/Lucille: Heck yeah.

Olive/Timmit: Alright, light it up.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Light it up, up, up. [to the tune of My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark (Light Em Up) by Fallout Boy]

Olive/Timmit: Light it up, up, up. [to the tune of My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark (Light Em Up) by Fallout Boy]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master + Olive/Timmit: Light it up, up, up. I’m on fire! [to the tune of My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark (Light Em Up) by Fallout Boy]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Anything else for your turn, Timmit? Going to get any closer? Going to get any further away? 

Olive/Timmit: I think I’m going to stay put just for now. No, no, no. I think I’m just going to stay put and just wait.

Steven/Noah: ‘Fireball. Yeah, that’s it.’

Olive/Timmit: Classic wizard. Done the Fireball. My job here’s done. I’m going to go lay down guys.

Rosie/Lucille: He’s brought a foldout chair, like one of the camping ones. 

Steven/Noah: ‘Margaret, fetch my chair. Margaret, turn yourself into a chair.’ 

Rosie/Lucille: But because we can’t see Margaret he’s just squatting.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Noah, you’re there to follow that act.  

Steven/Noah: Gasp. I can see the tree through the hole?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes, you can see it through there.

Steven/Noah: How far away is it?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It is one hundred and forty feet away. 

Steven/Noah: Balls. Oh wait, I can move,

Jorja/Magnolia: You can move and you can increase the range. 

Steven/Noah: Yeah, I guess I’ll move twenty feet closer. Odd number to pick, and I am going to… This is a weird thing. Although the tool is embedded in my armour I can also still hold it, if that makes sense. It’s weird.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You just pull it out of your sleeve like, *suction noise* 

Steven/Noah: Nothing up my sleeve. Just kidding, it’s a spanner. With the spanner in my hand I am going to point it at the tree that I can see, and electricity is going to channel through this bad boy and zap the tree as I am going to cast… Eldritch Blast?

[electricity zap]

Steven/Noah: What?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ooo, where did this come from?

Steven/Noah: So, the multi-tool, when I select what it is I can choose a cantrip from any class.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Crazy warlock. So, it looks like lightning but it’s not actually lightning?

Steven/Noah: Not actually lightning, no. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay.

Steven/Noah: Eldritch energy. Bam!

*dice rolls*

Steven/Noah: Seventeen?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Seventeen?

Steven/Noah: Yep.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That does hit. A seventeen does hit, so please roll the damage.

Steven/Noah: Stunning. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Avada kedavra.

Jorja/Magnolia: Avada kedavra. 

Steven/Noah: Avada Kedavra!

*dice rolls*

Steven/Noah: I was like, ‘What’s a zero?’ That’s ten. I don’t think I have anything to add to it though. That’s ten damage.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Force damage, hey?

Steven/Noah: Yes. I’m going to second attack.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Crazy. You have those? 

*dice rolls*

Steven/Noah: Second one is a twenty-two.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Twenty-two to hit?

Steven/Noah: Yes.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That will hit, as a seventeen did hit just before.

Steven/Noah: I’m just asking a question. 

* dice rolls*

Steven/Noah: This time it’s five force damage.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Five force damage. Did you increase one aspect of it?

Steven/Noah: I did not. I would like to increase the damage. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I thought that was what you were trying to do. So, doubling what you already got, that’s a five and a ten, so that’s thirty damage total. 

Steven/Noah: Call me Noah the warlock.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I didn’t realise that you changed class.

Steven/Noah: Neither did I.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So yeah, you’ll create a small hole in the side of the tree.  

Olive/Timmit: You don’t change to warlock. Warlock changes you. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, you’ve still got a bonus action and that last little bit of your movement if you’d like to use it at all.

Steven/Noah: What have I got that’s a bonus action? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I don’t know.

Olive/Timmit: How the hell would I know?

Steven/Noah: Sure, I’ll cast Sanctuary on Skittles.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re my sanctuary [poorly singing Sanctuary by Hikaru Utada] Okay sure, so how does this manifest and what are you increasing with the power of Glamos?

Steven/Noah: Oh Jesus. It doesn’t really have anything that’s scaleable, so duration I guess.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You can make the duration twice as long.

Steven/Noah: Cool, okay. Done.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How’s it manifest?

Steven/Noah: Yeah, he’ll pull a spanner out again because it’s probably his spell focus, let’s be real. I’ll hold it up and - I think I’ve described this before - it’s like a hexagonal sphere around Skittles made up of whitish-yellowish light.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sounds beautiful.

Steven/Noah: And then I guess for the other twenty feet of my movement, I’m going to move twenty feet clockwise around the sphere, so that I’m a little bit away from everyone else. So we’re not all bunched up, but hopefully so that I can still see the hole through and still see the tree through the hole.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It was forty feet wide, so you should be fine.

Steven/Noah: Cool.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Beautiful. Moving down to Skittles, is he taking any actions? 

Steven/Noah: No, I don’t think so because we’re one hundred and twenty feet away, and he’s already moved. I haven’t moved.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, and he’s Sanctuary-ed, so he can’t attack. 

Steven/Noah: Correct. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So Lucille, that moves it down to your turn.

Rosie/Lucille: Yes. How far away am I again?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: One hundred and forty feet.

Rosie/Lucille: Ugh, that ruins my plan. Also, when the sneak attack thing says: ‘with a finesse or ranged weapon,’ what about a ranged spell? Does that count as a ranged weapon?

Olive/Timmit: You get that certain ability as you level up.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, if it’s a thirty foot thing, does the increase the footage- The one that… With this magic thingy.   

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’d increase to sixty feet.

Rosie/Lucille: That’s still not enough. How far can I move in a turn?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Thirty feet, but if you dash you do sixty feet. If you use your bonus action you can do ninety feet, which would be your entire turn. 

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, what’s the closest I could get without using my action? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sixty feet, so you’d get to eighty feet away. 

Rosie/Lucille: Not going to work. Alright, so I’m going to stay- No, I’m going to go the sixty feet towards it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sixty feet towards it using your movement and your bonus action?

Rosie/Lucille: Yep.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay.

Rosie/Lucille: And then I am going to get out my little wand and I’m going to cast Magic Missile.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Magic Missile. 

[arcane projectiles SFX] 

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, and if I am right that just works.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, what’s the range on that?

Rosie/Lucille: Cool. One hundred and twenty.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Beautiful, and what aspect are we increasing? 

Rosie/Lucille: Let’s do damage because it’s pretty weak. It’s all I’ve got.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Beautiful. Now roll the damage.

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Lucille: Three plus one: four. Wait, I get more than that. I get three of these.

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh yeah.

Rosie/Lucille: Four plus two.

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Lucille: Plus two.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is it eight? 

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, so double that.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So sixteen. 

Rosie/Lucille: I had such a big plan, but I’m so far away. Do I have a thing that can make me closer? Oh, I have a spell. Oh, if anyone ever wants to be moved, by the way, I have Vortex Warp. I can warp you somewhere. 

Steven/Noah: Never move me. Please leave me be.

Rosie/Lucille: I’m going to move you.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is that Lucille on the radio? Like, ‘If anyone needs moving…’ 

Olive/Timmit: Help me. Help me. Please move me. 

Rosie/Lucille: Wait, actually? Because I just used my action. 

Olive/Timmit: God damn it Lucille.

Jorja/Magnolia: I hear you need to be closer. 

Olive/Timmit: I’ll be alright, or actually, I’ll take it if you can do it without energy, but…

Jorja/Magnolia: Depends on Glamos.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Well, it does move down to Magnolia’s turn, so let’s see what she does. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Ayo!

Steven/Noah: Ayo!

Jorja/Magnolia: Ayo! Daylight Come… (To the tune of The Banana Boat Song (Day-O) by Harry Belafonte). Wait, let me just check… Yep. Okay, I’m going ot cast Misty Step on myself.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I thought that was coming. 

Jorja/Magnolia: And any spell I cast on myself gets cast on my steed as well. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Of course, as you disappear into this cloudy blackness? Is that how it goes?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, but with Glamos, can I also move someone else?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, you can alter the target so that it’s one extra creature. Sure. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah? Okay. I will move you thirty feet - Timmit. So, where we’re both standing turns into mud and just sink. 

[Alien, mystical, chiming SFX] 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh, that’s terrifying.

Olive/Timmit: I have a new fear. 

Jorja/Magnolia: And then thirty minutes in- Thirty feet in, we’ll pop back up. 

Olive/Timmit: That was such a long teleportation! Thirty minutes in the mud! 

Jorja/Magnolia: Sorry.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That sounds beautiful.

Rosie/Lucille: Does it?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes. So, now you’re thirty feet closer?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes, and my steed can move fifty feet. I assume it works the same as Skittles where it moves on my turn?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, I guess that’s the best way to do it.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah? Okay, so it’s going to move fifty feet, so that means that I’m within sixty feet.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep, you’re one hundred and ten feet, which makes sixty feet. Yep.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yep, so I’m going to Toll the Dead. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Toll the Dead. Do it. Dong.

Jorja/Magnolia: Wisdom save please. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh, I’m good at those.

Jorja/Magnolia: Damn it.

*dice rolls*

Steven/Noah: Such a wise tree.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That is a twenty-two. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Jesus. Yeah, that saves. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re like: 

[gong SFX]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And it’s like, ‘Okay? And…?’

Jorja/Magnolia: Alright, so I’ll turn around and be like, “So it’s really good at saving. Just for future reference.”

Olive/Timmit: Copy that.

Jorja/Magnolia: “Specifically wisdom.” That’s all I do. I stand next to Timmit.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Wait, Timmit got moved to be at one hundred and ten feet, and then you moved another fifty feet forward, so…

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh true, so no I’m not next to you. Sorry. Catch up. 

Olive/Timmit: My little legs.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It moves to Cleary’s turn, and she’s poking her head in the portal like:

Tyrone/Cleary: Okay, they’re starting the ritual now, so it shouldn’t be too much longer, okay? You guys can handle it out, yeah?

Olive/Timmit: Sure Cleary. Alright, we’ve got this. It’s just a giant fucking tree.

Tyrone/Cleary: Yeah, it’s the Kingsgrove. You’re fine.

Steven/Noah: Your Kingsgrove doesn’t do this. If it does it would have been nice to know. Tree on tree violence.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s mechas, like gigazords.  

Tyrone/Cleary: You’ve got this!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Moving back to the Astroglamos’s turn, it’s going to move forty feet towards you all.

Jorja/Magnolia: Twenty feet from me.

Steven/Noah: That’s why I moved around not towards.

Jorja/Magnolia: Someone’s got to get in there because she’s going to die. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So Magnolia, you are one hundred percent in the radius of that root shield, and everyone else is currently outside of it. 

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m experimenting.

Olive/Timmit: Going where no rabbit has gone before.

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m getting information for the squad.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: As it moves towards you and starts engulfing you in this shield, you begin to realise just how thick the air is with the pollen around it, and I would like you to make a wisdom saving throw please.

Jorja/Magnolia: Sure thing.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Magnolia: Sixteen.   

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You get this sort of pang of anxiety building up within you as you feel like someone is watching you, and you have disadvantage on your next attack roll.

Jorja/Magnolia: Eww, well I won’t attack then.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Beautiful. That is all. It’s used its movement and it’s used its action to activate the pollen, so that moves it back to Timmit, darling. So, you’re currently seventy feet away from the tree and forty feet away from the shield.

Olive/Timmit: There’s still a big old hole in the middle of that shield wall, right?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes, forty feet across.  

Olive/Timmit: Right, well the first thing we’re doing is I’m going to kick off my bladesong. Activate that straight away. Do a little jump and a little lick of my heels. Land and do a twist, and then, “Go, go, go!” and I’ll move…

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh, thats sick as fuck actually. You activate the bladesong and then take off in mid-air.

Olive/Timmit: I’ll go forty feet… How high up are the-?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Seventy feet.

Olive/Timmit: Seventy feet high ?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Seventy feet on the inside. On the outside: one hundred feet because it’s fifteen feet thick. Make sense?

Olive/Timmit: Alright. Da.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s a big fucking tree.

Olive/Timmit: It is a big, big fucking tree. In the space, if I was to fly up somewhat to get a look into the hole- So, if I fly forty feet towards it on a bit of an angle and I’m looking at the hole, how much space is there between the shield wall to the centre where the tree is?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Thirty feet. Thirty feet between the shield and the tree. 

Olive/Timmit: And you’re just-

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m twenty feet from the tree. 

Olive/Timmit: Beautiful. I’m going to cast Web. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Spiderman!

Olive/Timmit: Yep, so what will happen is I will cast Web. I will use the gavel, swing up and I jump up and do a couple of little turns and a twist and a flip up in the air, and I’ll shoot these strings or arcane energy through the hole and past Magnolia. It’s going to hit the tree and the web is going to explode outward.

[cacophony of rapid magic sounds]

Olive/Timmit: And it’s going to wrap around and shoot towards the back of the shield wall and it’s going to grab onto it, so with that effect I should be able to pin it in a position where it’s a forty foot radius without hitting Magnolia.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh okay, I understand. So, you’re increasing the area of effect with that one?

Olive/Timmit: Yes. Yep.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay yep, and you’re moving forty feet closer?

Jorja/Magnolia: So, how far is it from me?

Olive/Timmit: It’ll be five feet away from you if you’re lucky.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And what does that do? What are you hoping to get out of it? 

Olive/Timmit: What will happen is when anything in the area starts its turn it needs to make a dexterity saving throw. On a failed save the creature is restrained as long as it remains in the web or until it breaks free. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, its movement is reduced to zero?

Olive/Timmit: Yes. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Wonderful.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, and that is my turn. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Coming over to Noah and Skittles, what’s up?

Steven/Noah: There’s a giant tree.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: There is a giant tree. It’s moved closer since last time too. 

Steven/Noah: Gasp. How far is it from me?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It is eighty feet away. So, eighty feet to the tree, but fifty feet to the tree.

Steven/Noah: Why have you got to make us do all this math?  

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s why I’m doing it all for you, so I can streamline the process there.

Steven/Noah: I mean, it’s not in melee range, so I’m going to cast Eldritch Blast again. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh my god, I didn’t realise how much of a warlock you were. 

Steven/Noah: Ping, pow, zap! 

[electrical magic zap]

Steven/Noah: Yeah, I’m patron of the Skittles. So, I’m going to roll an attack roll.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fucking try me.

*dice rolls*

Steven/Noah: Twenty-two?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes, that hits. 

Steven/Noah: And for my second attack.

*dice rolls*

Steven/Noah: Another twenty-two. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh damn, what’s the damage?

*dice rolls*

Steven/Noah: Eleven doubled is twenty-two.

Rosie/Lucille: Woah, so much twenty-two.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Beautiful, and you’re shooting out more electricity that shoots divots into the side of this tree sparking outwards like burnt tree. Burnt tree? Burnt wood. 

Steven/Noah: Burnt tree. Tree is now burnt tree. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’ve still got a bonus action and a movement again. 

Steven/Noah: Apparently he’s not moving any closer, but it’s fifty feet from me to the wall, right?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, so if you use forty feet movement you’ll still be outside of the root shield.

Steven/Noah: Alright, let’s move forty feet closer. Why not? I’m going to tap Skittles twice on the head.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yip yip!

Steven/Noah: Appa, yip yip!

[Skittles upbeat electronic chirps]

Steven/Noah: And then I guess I’ll ask Beeyonce to go and assist Magnolia by distracting the tree. Even though I don’t know if it has eyes. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay.

Steven/Noah: But, she’s going to attempt to distract the tree. Mechanically, that gives Magnolia advantage on her attacks. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, which cancels out the disadvantage that she gets from the next one.

Steven/Noah: That’s love, bitch.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Can Beeyonce roll me a wisdom saving throw please?

Steven/Noah: No. 

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Is that a natural twenty? 

Steven/Noah: Beeyonce rolled a twenty.

Olive/Timmit: She really is queen bee. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Beeyonce is unaffected and her journey is fine. 

Olive/Timmit: I mean, she is a bee. Pollen is her area of expertise.

Steven/Noah: Exactly.

Rosie/Lucille: Exper-bees?

Olive/Timmit: I was going to try that, but I…

Jorja/Magnolia: Exper-trees?

Olive/Timmit: Oh, much better.

Rosie/Lucille: Nice.

Jorja/Magnolia: Suck it Rosie!

Rosie/Lucille: No, that one did win. I’ll take it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Beeyonce is just buzzing all of these different angles around Magnolia. 

Steven/Noah: No, around the tree, not Magnolia. 

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m ike, ‘What the fuck?’

Steven/Noah: She’s not here to annoy Magnolia. She’s here to annoy the tree.

Jorja/Magnolia: ‘Fuck off.’

Steven/Noah: That’s not going to give her advantage. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Get double disadvantage.

Steven/Noah: ‘I’m in your grill.’

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, Lucille and Goaty, what’s happening over there? 

Rosie/Lucille: How far away am I from it? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You are forty feet away from it, so forty feet away from the tree but ten feet away from the shield. 

Rosie/Lucille: So, if I walked to be thirty feet away from it, am I in the place?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, well alright. I’m going to move ten feet, so that I’m thirty feet away from it, and then-

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll a wisdom saving throw. 

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Lucille: Is that a nine or a six?

Olive/Timmit: Nine.

Rosie/Lucille: Well then, I got twelve.

*whispering* You have luck.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, but do I want to waste it on this?

Olive/Timmit: You don’t know how bad it’s going to be. 

Rosie/Lucille: What does this do?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You don’t know.

Steven/Noah: Would you rather be anxious?

Jorja/Magnolia: Would you rather be anxious or anxious? 

Rosie/Lucille: How bad was it for you?

Jorja/Magnolia: It hasn't affected me yet is the correct answer.

Rosie/Lucille: No, I’m chill. Yeah, it’s chill. 

Steven/Noah: But then she saw Beeyonce like, ‘Anxiety lifted.’

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, you have this similar wave of anxiety fill up your mind as you enter the space with the pollen and you also have disadvantage on your next attack roll. 

Rosie/Lucille: But that’s now.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Well, that’s the choice you made. 

Rosie/Lucille: With luck, if I have disadvantage on a roll, can I reroll the disadvantage?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep.

Rosie/Lucille: Okay, cool. Well then, I’m going to cast Witch Bolt.

Steven/Noah: If you don’t attack this with *evil witch laugh* I’m going to be upset.

Rosie/Lucille: What do I add onto my magic?

Olive/Timmit: Your spell.

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Lucille: Solid start. That was a nine which makes it eighteen or something, but it doesn’t matter because it was disadvantage. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep, so seventeen was the lower roll?

Rosie/Lucille: Yep.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are you happy with that?

Rosie/Lucille: Wait, so I use luck after I’ve found out if it’s hit or not? 

Steven/Noah: You know the result but you don’t know the outcome.

Jorja/Magnolia: There have been context clues that you should have listened to.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: If you’ve been hearing what other numbers have been hitting.

Rosie/Lucille: I was listening, but now I can’t remember. I feel like a sixteen didn’t hit, did it?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I don’t know if anyone rolled a sixteen. 

Jorja/Magnolia: I don’t know if we’re allowed to tell you. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Do you want to use a luck or no?

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay.

Rosie/Lucille: No, I shouldn’t have, should I?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s too late, you’re using it.

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Lucille: That’s lower. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I mean, you still get to choose the number, so you can choose the higher number.

Rosie/Lucille: I choose the higher number.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: A seventeen hits. 

Rosie/Lucille: Oh heck, I wasted a luck point. Okay, that’s fine.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What are you increasing with Witch Bolt?

Rosie/Lucille: Damage. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Wonderful.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh also I’m doing it as a second level spell slot.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay.

Rosie/Lucille: So, that means for the first hit I do 2d12 and then for every turn after this I do 1d12.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh, it’s a concentration?

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, and it’s lightning damage. Trees would be susceptible to lightning damage, right? Because they’re trees.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Who knows? You’ll have to find out. 

Rosie/Lucille: I had a tree that got struck by lightning when I was a kid. It was pretty messed up.

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Lucille: Seven. That’s nine. Eighteen. Teehee.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How much was it? Eighteen, so that’s maybe thirty-six points of lightning damage. 

Jorja/Magnolia: I think it’s vulnerable.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No. You see lightning strike the tree and electricity zaps up its body and leaves electricity burns all throughout its body. It seems quite effective.

Rosie/Lucille: Heck yeah. Next question, because with this thing - it’s the concentration thingy where it happens each turn afterwards - if I move out of range, does that stop it or do I have to stay within range? Or if I move back does that stop it?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’d have to stay in range.

Rosie/Lucille: Okay, then I’m not going to move.  

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, have you bonus actioned?

Rosie/Lucille: No.

Steven/Noah: You can’t just ask someone if they’ve bonus actioned.

Rosie/Lucille: But I don’t think I shall.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Moving down, that moves it down to Magnolia. How’s it going?

Jorja/Magnolia: Ayo!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ayo!

Steven/Noah: Ayo! (To the tune of The Banana Boat Song (Day-O) by Harry Belafonte)

Jorja/Magnolia: Did I see the lightning damage do what I think would be more? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It seemed quite effective, yes. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay, how far away is the tree from Cleary?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: One hundred and forty feet away.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay, okay, okay.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh, I’m sorry. Roll a wisdom saving throw.

Jorja/Magnolia: Again?

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Magnolia: Worse. That would be thirteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: A similar feeling of dread sets in that this just isn’t going to work and you’re doomed to fail, and you have disadvantage on your next attack roll. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Well, that solidifies my plan.

Steven/Noah: But you’ve got Beeyonce. You haven’t attacked yet with her, have you?

Jorja/Magnolia: Nope.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, she’ll cancel out the next two.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay, yep. I get on my broom and I go up to the tree, and I’m going to attack with my morningstar. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: If she moves into the range of the web, what does that do?

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m on my broom.

Olive/Timmit: So, you can fly forty feet above it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh okay, sure. Jiji!

Jorja/Magnolia: “Jiji!” And I will cast Searing Smite before I attack at first level.

Steven/Noah: I will raise my morningstar - cast a cantrip - and then hit it. 

Jorja/Magnolia: It’s a first level, love.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What are you increasing with the power of Glamos, and how does this spell manifest?

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m going to fly up over the web to the tree. I’ll be like, “Okay, it’s not as powerful, but I might as well do it while I’m here,” and I’m going to hold up my morningstar, and it’s going to erupt into flames, and I’m just going to whack the tree.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh my gosh.  

Olive/Timmit: *Southern American accent* Hell yeah!

Jorja/Magnolia: *Southern American accent*  Hell yeah, brother!

Olive/Timmit: *Southern American accent*  Get that fiery morningstar in here and kick the shit out of this tree! 

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay. Fuck this tree! So, it’s a flat roll.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Magnolia: And I rolled a seventeen plus seven, so I think it hits.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep, that hits.

Jorja/Magnolia: So, what that means…

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are you going to be doubling the damage? That’s what you’re increasing?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes. It’s twelve piercing damage from the morningstar. Doubling that damage…

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Important question, does this make the weapon magical? Like something like Arcane Weapon does? 

Jorja/Magnolia: I don’t think so.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, good to know.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay, that’s ten fire damage.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Nice.

Jorja/Magnolia: And it ignites in flames.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The target?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yep.

Steven/Noah: What about the web that it’s surrounded by?

Jorja/Magnolia: It causes the target to ignite in flames. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The entire tree is engulfed in flames, which feels like some religious symbolism, honestly.  

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah bitch.

Olive/Timmit: When the webs are lit… So, the webs are flammable. ‘Any five foot cube exposed to fire burns away in one round dealing 2d4 fire damage to any creature that starts its turn on fire.’

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, on my turn I’ll take damage?

Olive/Timmit: Yep, for each five foot cube, and there’s forty cube feet.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Noted.  

Rosie/Lucille: Nice. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Anywho, so I had to go forty feet up and forty over?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Twenty over. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Twenty feet over. In order to make that happen - because I didn't realise I had to go forty feet up because I didn’t realise they were up…

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: We can do some Pythagoras’s Theorem to say it’s exactly fifty feet if you want. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Sure.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Because it’s not… Yeah. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Because I’d be on the elk. Yeah. I’d be on the elk as well, so I’d be up ten feet anyway, so that’s fine. Near the tree. That’s my turn. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Good to know, and it moves to Cleary’s turn again, and Cleary’s just going to yell out some nice words of encouragement, like:

Tyrone/Cleary: Guys, you’re doing this really well. Don’t forget about your bombs.

Steven/Noah: ‘You’re doing great sweetie.’

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And she’s going to throw a bomb in the general direction- Like a slingshot almost.

[sound of a rubber band being pulled back then released]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: At the root shield.

Rosie/Lucille: Nice.

Steven/Noah: We already put a hole in the root shield. Hit the tree.

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh. Wait.

Olive/Timmit: What have you done?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I rolled a thirty-one. A thirty-one says, ‘You’re transported to the Astral Plane until the end of your next turn after which time you return to the space you previously occupied or the nearest unoccupied space if that space is occupied.’

Olive/Timmit: Does that mean that the shield wall suddenly disappears?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Well, it’s part of the tree, so does the tree just [suction noise]?

Steven/Noah: Beat it, queen.

Rosie/Lucille: Does my spell end because it leaves?

Jorja/Magnolia: Out of range.

Rosie/Lucille: That’s lame. Reroll.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, it happens.

Rosie/Lucille: Ugh.

Olive/Timmit: Okay. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The tree- She just throws this bomb and suddenly it’s like:

[electronic, science-fiction portal SFX]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And you’re standing in Glamos again like, ‘Umm?’

Rosie/Lucille: We did it! Everyone, we won!

Olive/Timmit: I wouldn’t be so sure Lucille.

Rosie/Lucille: But it’s gone?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And then, yeah, I guess it just pops right back into existence right where it was because it was its turn next.   

[electronic, science-fiction portal SFX]

Jorja/Magnolia: At the start of its turn though, can I make a constitution saving throw? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Why?

Jorja/Magnolia: Because it's on fire still.

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I rolled a twelve on a constitution saving throw.

Jorja/Magnolia: That would be a fail. 

Steven/Noah: That seems to me like a fail there, love. 

Jorja/Magnolia: That sounds like a bloody fail.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Magnolia: Fuck, so it takes two more fire damage. 

Rosie/Lucille: Yes!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Four more fire damage, and I believe that its webs have burnt away in its absence.

Olive/Timmit: No actually. ‘The exposed fire burns away in one round.’

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, it’s still chilling there… The webs are just suspended there because it's attached to nothing anymore?

Jorja/Magnolia: I think with web, a round is until it gets back to mine. 

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, they’re just slowly burning away, yeah.

Steven/Noah: Falling and burning.  

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, well I suppose that it can’t take any actions because all of its turn was inside the Astral Plane. Jesus Christ. That is a chaos bomb if I’ve ever fucking heard of one.   

Olive/Timmit: Alrighty.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Moving it down to Timmit. Timmit, you are thirty feet away apparently. What are you going to do?

Olive/Timmit: I’m going to cast Ashardalon’s Stride on myself.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Damn.

[a soft ember crackle SFX]

Olive/Timmit: And then I’m going to - taking my sword - I’m going to rush forward, move the full sixty feet, so thirty feet through into and up against the tree, and then I’m going to basically going to run up against the side of the tree. Running up using the winged boots to essentially make it look like I’m running up it, but I’m just flying. I’m being a little cheeky. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, you’re right next to the tree?

Olive/Timmit: Yes, I’m running up alongside the tree.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Now you can roll a wisdom saving throw, please.

Olive/Timmit: Now I can do it. Now it’s for me to do the save. 

*dice rolls*

Olive/Timmit: Fuck.

Steven/Noah: What’s your total? I might have a plan.

Olive/Timmit: Total is seven.

Steven/Noah: I don’t have a plan. 

Olive/Timmit: Yep, seven.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You get this sensation that the fear magic of the tree has worked its way into your peers and you look at Magnolia and see this look in her eye as if she’s going to attack you, and you cannot move any closer to her.

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m not brainwashed. 

[laughter]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And then in the same instance - sorry, I know it’s in the middle of your turn - the reeds of Glamos are going to weave and knot together to create this topiary man, and the tree has created a topiary minion.

Olive/Timmit: What the fuck?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: As you were.

Olive/Timmit: Alright, I’m just going to start cutting into this tree. I’ll take two swipes.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Does Ashardalon’s Stride do fire damage to me as you run up it? 

Olive/Timmit: Yes, yes it does. ‘When you move within five feet of a creature or object that isn’t been worn or carried it takes 1d6 fire damage,’ so I run thirty feet up alongside the tree. Well, twenty feet actually. So, 4d6?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep, so you’ve increased the damage or you’ve increased the distance, the speed?

Olive/Timmit: Oh actually, I’ll increase the distance.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I can go the distance. [To the tune of Go The Distance from Hercules]

Olive/Timmit: So, I’ll actually move forty feet up against the tree.  

*dice rolls*

Olive/Timmit: Five.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Five damage?

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, and then I’ll try and hit it twice.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Timmit: Fucking hell. The first one’s eleven.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: An eleven does miss. Is this with your sick ass new shortsword?

Olive/Timmit: Yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fuck yeah.

Olive/Timmit: The second one is seventeen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: A seventeen does hit.

Olive/Timmit: Woo! Alright…

*dice rolls*

Olive/Timmit: That is seven points of damage.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Of slashing damage?

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, magical slashing damage.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, sorry, I was trying to think if the magical sword meant that the slashing damage was magical. Yep.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, and I’ll just be thirty feet up this tree. Just flying around and hanging out, doing flips and things.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: As you do. You’ve got a foothold in the side.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And that moves it down to Noah and Skittles. Hello.  

Steven/Noah: Bleh! I mean greetings.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Where are you currently? You are currently-

Steven/Noah: I’m not in the Astral Plane.  

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Forty feet away from it. You are ten feet away from the shield at the moment.

Steven/Noah: It’s not currently ensnared in web, is that correct?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The web is currently on fire until the end of Magnolia’s turn.

Steven/Noah: Right, which is before the tree’s turn, so the tree will move. I just don’t want to be in there. How much did it move? Did it move forty feet? I’m going to move forty feet backwards like a coward.

Tyrone/Cleary: Noah, it’s okay, it’s okay.  

Steven/Noah: And then I’m going to cast Arcane Weapon on my light crossbow. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ooo, he has those?

Steven/Noah: I do have those. I mean lightning looked pretty fun, but so did fire.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: We’re really just pulling out all of our fire spells today. 

Olive/Timmit: It’s what I’m all about, baby.

Steven/Noah: Look, it’s a tree. I’m going to go fire.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sure.  

Steven/Noah: I’m going to put fire damage on my crossbow.

[mystical chiming SFX]

Steven/Noah: That’s a bonus action. Now I’m going to attack, which I can do twice because I’m actually using my weapon, and doing that makes it a magic weapon which means now I can use my intelligence.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s a fun combo you’ve built there.

Steven/Noah: I’m going to shoot at it again through the window that I can see.

*dice rolls*

Steven/Noah: That’s less good. I don’t think I can do anything about it though is the only thing. Does a fourteen hit? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, a fourteen does not hit. It just zooms past and hits the root shield ages away.

Steven/Noah: Well, that root shield’s on fire.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh my god.

Steven/Noah: Even less. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He doesn’t use them often. He’s not used to the trajectory. 

Steven/Noah: Give me a moment to calibrate them.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No. I believe that’s your turn.

Steven/Noah: Yeah, that’s it. Beeyonce’s going to continue doing her predetermined action, which is assisting Magnolia because she’s not been told to do anything else. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Lucille, you are up.

Rosie/Lucille: Hello. With this Acid Stream one… Because it says, ‘The affected creature takes 3d4 acid damage at the start of each of its turns,’ but it’s a concentration, so does that mean that-

Olive/Timmit: It means that you have to keep the magic alive. 

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, so I can’t just not concentrate and then it’s covered in acid then? Witch Bolt.

Steven/Noah: Believe in the acid damage.

Rosie/Lucille: You have to believe. 

Olive/Timmit: Witch Bolt again?

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, it’s lightning. Acid wouldn’t be as effective as lightning I don’t know, but I could be wrong. Do I have to do any kind of wisdom saving throw?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I totally forgot about that. Yeah.

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What’d you roll?

Rosie/Lucille: A one.

Olive/Timmit: It’s luck time.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are you doing a luck, or no?

Rosie/Lucille: No.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay.

Olive/Timmit: You are brave.

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, what’s the worst that could happen?

Jorja/Magnolia: Who do you think is going to get hit? Me or you? 

Olive/Timmit: Definitely me.

Jorja/Magnolia: Don’t hit my fucking elk. 

* dice rolls*

Rosie/Lucille: Wait, what’s happening? Why’s he rolling?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Lucille, you get this pollen in your eyes so you’re rubbing them a little bit just to clear your eyes a little bit, and when your eyes refocus all your friends are gone, and in your wake is all one hundred and twenty-three goats all around, dead around this tree. 

Rosie/Lucille: They killed my goats! Sparkles, where are you!? I’m distraught!  

Steven/Noah: ‘I am distraught!’

Rosie/Lucille: So yeah, do I see the tree? Is the tree there?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The tree is still sitting there at the centre. You just cannot see your friends.

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah alright, cool, awesome. This is great.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The rolling was for how long it goes for, which is twelve rounds. 

Olive/Timmit: Jesus.

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, nice. Heck yeah. Well, I guess I’m still going to attack it, aren’t I? 

Olive/Timmit: Let’s find out how this is going to fuck us for twelve rounds.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, we’re going to get hit twelve rounds in a row.

Rosie/Lucille: Wait, why are you getting hit?

Olive/Timmit: With fucking sneak attack damage. 

Jorja/Magnolia: I just assume it’s going to happen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: As you were, so you’re running and attacking it with Witch Bolt, right?

Rosie/Lucille: Yep.

Steven/Noah: I was just going to say, you see the tree, but is it the tree?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah.

Rosie/Lucille: What do you mean?

Jorja/Magnolia: Just go.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll your dice.

Rosie/Lucille: What do you mean, ‘Is it the tree?’

Jorja/Magnolia: Just go.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Just roll.

Jorja/Magnolia: Just go.

Rosie/Lucille: Wait, no! 

Jorja/Magnolia: Lucille sees her dead goats and the tree.

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, so the tree did this, so I have to kill the tree.

Jorja/Magnolia: Go on.

Rosie/Lucille: Alright.

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Lucille: That is a twenty-four.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: A twenty-four will hit. Roll damage.

Rosie/Lucille: What do I hit?

Olive/Timmit: Hit who?

Rosie/Lucille: It’s the tree, right?

Jorja/Magnolia: You’ll find out.

Steven/Noah: ‘It’s the tree, right?’

Jorja/Magnolia: ‘It’s the tree, right?’

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Lucille: It’s a five. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: A five? Lightning damage?

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, but then it’s doubled.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Doubling the damage?

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I love that the paranoia’s come out of the mechanics and into you guys apparently.

Jorja/Magnolia: It’s so easy to mess with Rosie.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah, this Witch Bolt arcs up the tree and through the bark, and it’s not looking great. It is burned with electricity and fire.

Rosie/Lucille: And it is a tree?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: To the best of your knowledge, yes.

Rosie/Lucille: For my bonus action, can I hug a goat?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You sure can. Which one is it?

Rosie/Lucille: Sprinkles.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sprinkles does not answer.

Rosie/Lucille: Sprinkles… *sobs*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And it moves down to Magnolia. Hello.

Jorja/Magnolia: Ayo!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Does the webs on fire- Does that end now or at the end of the turn?

Olive/Timmit: It just says within a round, so I imagine now.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, and it takes damage?

Olive/Timmit: ‘Whenever a creature starts its turn within the webs.’

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh, so it was supposed to take the damage at the start of its turn. Oh, but it wasn’t here because it was in the Astral Plane. Right, I see, so the web has just completely burnt up. 

Olive/Timmit: Bitch. Yep.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, so the web has burnt up, so now it can move again. Magnolia, can you please make me that wisdom saving throw?

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh yeah, baby. Twenty-six.  

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Everything feels fine.

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh, sick.

Steven/Noah: You get advantage! It doesn’t just cancel out!

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m going to attack.  

Olive/Timmit: Smack it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Smack it.

Steven/Noah: All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. [To the tune of Single Ladies by Beyonce]

Jorja/Magnolia: Put your hands up. [To the tune of Single Ladies by Beyonce]

*dice rolls*   

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay, sixteen on the first one.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That is a miss.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Magnolia: Twenty-one to hit. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That one will hit, yes.

Jorja/Magnolia: Nice.  

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Magnolia: Nine piercing from a non-magical weapon, but I’m going to use a spell slot to Divine Smite.  

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Which does extra radiant damage, right?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes, so can I use Glamos to double it?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes, yes, you definitely can. So, you’re going to double the radiant damage?

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Magnolia: Yep, so it was six, so it becomes twelve radiant damage. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep. You are cutting notches into this tree like a lumberjack.

Jorja/Magnolia: Nice.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: However, you make that second hit, and you neglected to notice the sap that your morningstar was covered in from that first hit, and so as you make that second hit you can’t seem to wrench it free from the tree again. It’s like they’re glued together, and ‘1d6 rounds must be spent trying to pry them apart.’

Jorja/Magnolia: Fuck that. The tree can have it. I have a club.

Steven/Noah: Sick.

Olive/Timmit: ‘I didn’t want it anyway.’

Jorja/Magnolia: Yikes. I just yell out, “It’s sticky!” and I’m going to use my bonus action - whilst telling my broom to move backwards - to rabbit hop fifteen feet back.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re anime jumping.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yep. So, I’m going to jump fifteen feet back while it flies fifteen feet back.

Olive/Timmit: That’s actually sick.

Jorja/Magnolia: Because it doesn’t provoke opportunity attacks. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh okay, I was like, ‘Why?’

Jorja/Magnolia: And I’m scared.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, you’re just going fifteen feet away, or you’re going to keep moving back as well?

Jorja/Magnolia: No, I’m going to move thirty feet back, so that I’m five feet away from it once it moves. If it moves it’s forty feet I’ll still be five feet, so I’m forty-five feet away from it. 

Steven/Noah: So, you’re forty-five feet away from it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Good to know.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes, and I’m telling my elk, “Fucking hit him.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh jeez. Oh yeah, Toby’s still at the front, hey?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, and he’s twenty feet away.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And that moves to his turn, I suppose. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes, so he’s going to try a ram attack. He’s going to run twenty feet straight towards it, and then the ram attack…

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Magnolia: Fuck, it doesn’t hit. It’s an eleven.

Tyrone/Toby: Magnolia, this pollen is clouding my vision. 

Jorja/Magnolia: “It’s alright. Retreat, retreat!” and he’ll run thirty feet back. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fifty feet of movement… Fuck.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, he’s got fifty feet. You know? Elk things.

Olive/Timmit: Re-tree-t?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What? Re-treat?

Rosie/Lucille: Tree?

Jorja/Magnolia: Tree-t?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh.

Jorja/Magnolia: Cringe.

Olive/Timmit: Oh no. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And that moves to Cleary’s turn. You’re going to hear in your ear through the public radio actually… You’re going to hear:

Tyrone/Cleary: *radio* It seems that the ritual is wrapping up now. Quick, retreat back to my location. Let’s go, go, go! Retreat, retreat, retreat! 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And then in your periphery - I’m sure you’re focused on the tree, but in your periphery - you can see Lambence, the Wayfarers’ City phase out of existence, just as you saw it do that one time in episode two when we teleported locations. 

[energy builds and then quickly dissipates]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And then the city is gone, and then you see the four other groups fighting the other Astroglamos as they turn in your direction and head towards Cleary.

Rosie/Lucille: Wait, do I see this, or am I just dead goats?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You don’t see that at all.

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah cool, nice. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Have you figured out what’s going on yet?

Rosie/Lucille: It’s an illusion. I know that it’s an illusion, but is there more to it than that?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Maybe. That little topiary guy that turned up, he’s going to walk up to Toby, I guess is the closest. Yeah?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah. 

Olive/Timmit: Brother’s about to get squished.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And it’s going to swing at Toby with this battleaxe made out of aetherbloom knotted together and wrapped around together.

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Does a fourteen hit Toby?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yep.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fuck yeah. Second hit…

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh, that’s not going to hit. Does an eight hit Toby?

Jorja/Magnolia: Nope, close though.

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Toby takes seven points of slashing damage from this topiary guard.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, he’s fine.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay. I’m just telling you what he’s doing.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay.

Steven/Noah: What sound does an elk in pain make?

Jorja/Magnolia: *makes a guttural groan*  

Rosie/Lucille: Have you been practising that?

Jorja/Magnolia: No, just off the dome. I’m really good.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And then it moves to the Astroglamos’s turn, and it is going to shake its branches and launch a volley of spiked branches in the direction of… Yeah, probably Magnolia. 

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That is a twenty-two to hit.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Only just.

Jorja/Magnolia: Just.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Timmit: Wait, how far away are you from the tree?

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m forty-five.

Olive/Timmit: I’ve got a reaction.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Go for it.

Olive/Timmit: As I’m running up the side of the tree and I see all of its leaves shaking I prepare myself, and then I see all of those leaves shoot downwards, and I see poor elk and Magnolia through the mystic, arcane charm of whatever the fuck this animal is. We are going to… I’m going to cast Stone Shield.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ooo, how are you enhancing it with Glamos, and how does it manifest in general?

Olive/Timmit: Can I enhance it so… I’ll explain the spell and I’ll let you know how I want to do it. So, I’ll use my reaction and I’ll see out, and I’ll use the gavel to strike it against the tree. Knocking it so hard that it shakes and the magical energy shoots from the back end and wafts over to Magnolia, covering her in these pebbled formations across her. Pulses of arcane energy flash as some of these branches come down to land on her. So, you get a plus five to your AC, and resistance to bludgeoning, piercing, and slashing damage until the end of your next turn, but I’m just going to make that immunity to piercing damage.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh yeah, it’s got resistance, so you’re doubling that to immunity. Okay, but you’ve given her a plus five to AC anyway.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So, it was a twenty-two to hit, but now your AC is-

Jorja/Magnolia: Twenty-five.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And so they smash against the side of this stone shield that you’ve created for Magnolia and do absolutely no harm to Magnolia. 

Jorja/Magnolia: I try to look back to see if Cleary saw.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She looks at you and goes *kiss sound*

Jorja/Magnolia: Ooo.

Olive/Timmit: I just look back at her and give her thumbs up and a big grin.

Rosie/Lucille: I just see dead goats.

Jorja/Magnolia: On the public channel you hear, “[radio] I’m still going to kill you.” 

Steven/Noah: ‘On the public channel. This changes nothing! You’re dead, boy’

Jorja/Magnolia: You’re dead to me!

Olive/Timmit: This fuels the fear inside of Timmit that she is going to murder him, and immediately goes to himself, “Oh, what the fuck did you just do that for? Oh no.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And then it is going to use its movement to move forty feet towards Cleary, so right now it is one hundred feet away from Cleary, and Noah is still outside of it.

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m five feet next to it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re five feet next to it. You’ve entered the space of it again, so you get to roll another wisdom save.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Magnolia: I fail it. 

Steven/Noah: I’m not helping you.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, don’t.

Steven/Noah: I’m not helping your two.

Jorja/Magnolia: What was it?

Steven/Noah: A two.

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh, an eleven. Oh, it needs to roll another con save at the start of its turn. 

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It got a twelve on its con save. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Fail!

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Magnolia: So, if it doubled that’s twelve fire damage which becomes twenty-four. Yeah, I rolled a six on a six. What of it?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So far you have dealt two hundred and nine damage to this creature. 

Rosie/Lucille: Is it dead yet?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Not quite, and your saving throw means that the anxiety is swelling up in you, and - similar to Timmit - you feel that your peers have been affected by this fear magic leaking out of this Astroglamos, and you feel that in particular Lucille - look at her with her eyes glazed over, seeing dead goats obviously - you feel that she is going to attack you, and you don’t want to get anywhere near that.

Rosie/Lucille: Wait, can they see me?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes.

Jorja/Magnolia: You don’t know.

Rosie/Lucille: What’s happening?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And it moves to Noah’s go.

Steven/Noah: Heyo! That’s me.

Olive/Timmit: Sorry, can I please have my turn?

Steven/Noah: No. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh my god, you’re so right. Yes Timmit, it is your go. What the hell is going on with my notes?

Olive/Timmit: Thank you. So, if I travelled thirty feet up the tree, how much further would I have to go to be at the very top?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Forty feet because it is seventy feet tall.   

Olive/Timmit: Fan-damn-tastic. Yep, I’ll keep going forty feet to get up to all the branches and leaves in the thicket, and then I’m going to launch myself in ten feet within the thicket and I’ll drop the Ashardalon’s Stride, and I’ll cast-

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Ooo, quickly could you make a wisdom saving throw please?

Olive/Timmit: Oh yeah, I can do that.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Timmit: Dirty twenty. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Filthy, rotten twenty!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: First things first, another one of those topiary guys just pops up right by the trunk of the Astroglamos. The second thing is you get this sense of fear inside you looking at this topiary guard as they keep popping up, and you have developed a [permanent fear of topiaries.  

Olive/Timmit: Nothing will ever beat my fear of animals, you imposter. I will cast Flame Blade at fourth level.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Jesus Christ! On your sword?

Olive/Timmit: No, so gripping the gavel, the top will burst alight in blue flame, and the image of an arcane scimitar shoots from the top of it, a crossguard over his fist, and he will turn around and make two slashes with this flame blade within the canopy of this tree.  

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll it.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Timmit: Son of a- You motherf- Eleven.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s a miss.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Timmit: Sixteen.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: A sixteen will miss, I’m really sorry. You’re just in the branches going *crazed grunts.*

Olive/Timmit: Okay. Yep, that’s me done.

Rosie/Lucille: Cool description though.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Alright, now moving down to Noah, I’m sorry.

Steven/Noah: That’s me.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s you, babes. 

Steven/Noah: I’m going to use my bonus action to instruct Honey Boo Boo to do el distractor-

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Who!? Who!?

Steven/Noah: Oh wait, sorry. She’s dead. She’s in my shield. My shield flies away. I’m going to use my bonus action to instruct Beeyonce to do el distractor for me. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh yeah, so it’s disadvantage on attacks against you?

Steven/Noah:No, no. I have advantage on attacks against it because it’s being all distracty, so I can attack it while it’s guard is lowered.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sure.

Steven/Noah: And then I’ll get Skittles to move back forty feet.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay.

*Skittles robotic chirps*

Steven/Noah: Because fuck whatever psychic shittery you guys are in. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What kind of fuckery is this? [to the tune of Me & Mr. Jones by Amy Winehouse] Okay, so you’re twenty feet away from Cleary at this point.

Steven/Noah: “Hey babes.” And as Skittles is galavanting away, I’m going to fire my crossbows from the back. I’ll fire the same crossbow twice.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s Link’s Crossbow Training. 

Steven/Noah: I’m going to pew, pew, and the other one is just in my hand.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll.

Steven/Noah: What a loser.

*dice rolls*

Steven/Noah: Eighteen for the first attack.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That does hit.

Steven/Noah: Stunning. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And that is with the Arcane Weapon stuff on it, yes?

Steven/Noah: Yes.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes.

Steven/Noah: Yes.

*dice rolls*

Steven/Noah: It is five piercing damage- Oh wait, no. Ten piercing damage. Sorry, I seem to have developed a lisp, and two fire damage.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And I’m guessing it was with Arcane Weapon that you doubled the damage thanks to Glamos’s power?

Steven/Noah: Sure. I sure did. So, two is four is eight. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’ve done a lot of damage. Time for your second hit.

Steven/Noah: Twenty-one.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That hits.

*dice rolls*

Steven/Noah: Ooo, twelve slashing damage.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Piercing I hope you mean.  

Steven/Noah: Yes.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I don’t know how you slash with an arrow from that far away.

Steven/Noah: The arrow gets to you and then slices you.

Jorja/Magnolia: It stops and curves.

Steven/Noah: Obviously. I’m telepathic. I realise that’s different to telekinetic.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And how much fire?

Steven/Noah: Oh, it’s only two.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Steven. Noah. How would you like to kill the Astroglamos?

Steven/Noah: Down, baby.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It had two hundred and forty-three hit points, and you hit exactly on two hundred and forty-three. 

Rosie/Lucille: Woah.

Jorja/Magnolia: Beautiful.

Steven/Noah: So, as Beeyonce is doing her best as a distraction, the tree’s organ that notices things is preoccupied on her. Therefore as Skittles is running away from the tree and I’ve turned around to fire my crossbow. Bang, one. That looks pretty good. Let’s go again. Bang, two. There’s a knot in the tree, and the arrow is going to go straight through the knot into the centre of the tree, and the whole thing is going to black from the inside-out and then rapidly decay.  

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Die like a Zelda villain.

Steven/Noah: Yeah, like the Deku Tree, so it’s all grey and dead, and all the leaves have fallen off now.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And all the pollen is catching alight, so cinders are snowing around you, and the root shield is collapsing because it’s burning from the inside, and you are standing in the wake of the Astroglamos. 

[energetic, electronic, battle music reaches a crescendo to take over the dialogue. Flames crackling can be heard. Slowly, a bouncy, hopeful electronic song takes its place.]  

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The battle is over, but there’s no time for chit-chat because there’s a buffalo, a serpent, a storm, and a plague of bees all coming in your direction.

Steven/Noah: Ah! Shoot them all. No.

Olive/Timmit: We can take them guys. We’ve got this. 

Rosie/Lucille: Am I there, or am I still with the dead goats?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Upon the death of the Astroglamos, this visage of the goats slowly dissipates and the tree slowly fades from view, and as you rub your eyes again you can see that your friends are all around you once more.

Rosie/Lucille: Yay, friends.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And the other groups fighting are going to come towards you. The Perimeter Watch  and the engineering department actually teleported with the city since they were with it, but the king and Illumen are going to swipe past. They’re going very fast. They don’t have a lot of time to talk, but the king is just going to stop by Lucille for a brief moment and give her a little *kiss sound* on the forehead and quickly hurry through the portal. 

Rosie/Lucille: Did you guys see that? I got a little kiss.

Jorja/Magnolia: Huh?

Rosie/Lucille: The king, he gave me a little kiss. 

Olive/Timmit: Who?

Rosie/Lucille: Excuse me, but the king kissed me. I think you should all be a bit more excited.

Jorja/Magnolia: When?

Rosie/Lucille: I’m not crazy. It happened.

Olive/Timmit: Wait, where? 

Jorja/Magnolia: That king?

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah.

Jorja/Magnolia: Just then?  

Rosie/Lucille: And he kissed me. I was with the dead goats earlier, and then when I came back the king kissed me. 

Olive/Timmit: Alright, she’s gone insane again.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The king on his way past, before he steps into the portal, he’s going to be like:

Tyrone/Oberon: You have my humblest thanks. I really appreciate it. I hope we can see each other again? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And he steps through the portal.

Rosie/Lucille: At the goat farm. 

Steven/Noah: I hope we don’t! Bye!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And then the City Watch, they’re going to come swarming past and through the portal, and Ayanna just gives you a solid nod on the way past, and then it’s just you. You four and Cleary.

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh real quick, Timmit, can you hold this bag for me? 

Olive/Timmit: What for?

Steven/Noah: I’m going to cast bravery on Magnolia.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I think it’s called Heroism, but sure. 

Steven/Noah: Yeah, I’m going to cast Heroism on Magnolia.

Jorja/Magnolia: Just, can you hold this? I need to do something. 

Olive/Timmit: “Okay. Alright.” I’ll take the bag.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay, while we’re still in Glamos I am going to cast - because there’s still shit around - I’m going to cast Protection From Evil and Good, but I’m going to heighten it so that it’s two people. So, I’m going to do… Yeah, those two. I’m going to do Lucille and Timmit.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay, how does this manifest?

Jorja/Magnolia: All of the Glamos underneath them starts to rile up and imbeds itself into whatever armour they’re wearing and glows.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Damn.

Jorja/Magnolia: So, you have protection from certain types of creatures: aberrations, celestials, elementals, fey, fiends, and undead. Creatures of those types have disadvantage on attack rolls against you. You also can’t be frightened, charmed, or possessed.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay.

Olive/Timmit: Sweet.

Rosie/Lucille: Heck yeah.  

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And some bravery is happening?

Steven/Noah: I would like to put my hand on Magnolia’s shoulder, and just whisper, “[whispering] You’ve got this. You’ve got this.”

Jorja/Magnolia: Thank you.

Steven/Noah: And I guess I’ll… I mean, apparently she’s immune to frightening. Sure. Can I use the power of Glamos to make her more brave? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Sure.

Olive/Timmit: Double bravery. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Double bravery.

Tyrone/Cleary: Well the monsters are coming, so I need to pop in the portal now. Noah, you know how to do it, right?

Steven/Noah: Got it. 

Tyrone/Cleary: Okay, umm…

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And, yeah, Cleary, she’s going to put a hand on each cheek on Magnolia and she’s going to go in for a big smooch. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Cute! Magnolia reciprocates, and walks them both through the portal.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And I oop. I was waiting for that. 

Olive/Timmit: *flustered stuttering*

Steven/Noah: Audible gasp!

Jorja/Magnolia: And from the bag Magnolia gave you, you hear from the sending stone - because she’s going to take Cleary’s and say, “[radio] I’ll see you soon, but I need to see this through.”

Rosie/Lucille: Naw.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Gay.

Olive/Timmit: Timmit just nods and smiles to himself. “Alright, can we get the fuck home now please?” 

Steven/Noah: One hundred percent. Anyone else following her? No? Sick. Alright.

Olive/Timmit: No, I’m done with this. 

Steven/Noah: Noah’s going to… Can you imagine if I just ditched them? 

[laughter]

Steven/Noah: If I gave you this piece of paper with scribbles on it and just ditched. ‘Here’s the coordinates. Bye!’ No, I’m not doing that. Yeah, Noah’s going to lean down and start fiddling with the contraption. Make me roll if you like, but you will lose, and I’ll put the coordinates in.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The first portal *suction sound* closes up. All the fairies are gone. You put in the X axis, the Y axis, the Z axis, and the time axis, and the new portal opens up.

*mystical humming portal SFX*

Rosie/Lucille: The goat farm.

Steven/Noah: Oh fuck, we are going to the goat farm.

Rosie/Lucille: You’re going to the goat farm.

Olive/Timmit: Is it too late to go with Magnolia?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are we going in to this new portal?

Rosie/Lucille: To the goat farm!  

Olive/Timmit: Can I look behind us and see if there’s anything in this-

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You look behind you and see this eel making its way towards you.

Steven/Noah: *monstrous screeching*

Jorja/Magnolia: He’s trying to XP farm. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Electricity cannons shooting in your general vicinity.

Olive/Timmit: Go! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Rosie/Lucille: Go, go, go!

Steven/Noah: This is milestone. There’s no reason to stay. Do I need to do anything to close the portal on the way out?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are you taking the orrery with you?

Steven/Noah: Oh, are we? Oh right, we can just lift it up and carry it through the portal.

Olive/Timmit: It probably would be wise to have that with us.

Steven/Noah: Alright, we’ll take it with us.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And all four of us are floating back again through the purple portal. Feeling that weightlessness again like a swimming pool, planets are flying past.

[The bouncy, hopeful electronic music slowly fades out]

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[slow-paced low-fi music plays]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Magnolia.

Jorja/Magnolia: Heyo!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Where we open up to, the first thing you can see is, of course, the tower that is Lambence, the Wayfarers’ City. You’re on the outside of the city, so not in the inside of the city, but rather at the exterior looking up at the walls, and if you take a look at your surroundings one of the first things you notice is the familiar sound and sight of a tram driving past. 

[tram dings]   

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re in some some of park, and the tram is driving past, and behind that is the art gallery. Looking down, you can see that your hands - or paws - are still furry. We move over now to Lucille’s farm. Lucille, you are surrounded by one hundred and twenty-three goats. You can hear their familiar bleating.

[goat bleats]

Rosie/Lucille: *imitates a goat bleat* I’m back. 

Olive/Timmit: I was wrong. This is purgatory. This is real hell. I only saw a glimpse into the madness. Oh my god.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You guys are just standing in the middle of the field. I assume the property’s off somewhere nearby?

Rosie/Lucille: We’re on the property, the goat farm.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, I mean the house where you live. 

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, there’s a house, but I’m going to take Noah and Timmit by the hand and we’re going to frolic through the fields and show them my goats. “Come on! Goat time.”

Steven/NoaH: Can I just quickly close this thing?

Rosie/Lucille: Alright, but then we look at the goats.

Steven/NoaH:  Sure, of course. How big am I?

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, are we human again?

Steven/NoaH:  I was like, ‘I can’t tell by my hands.’

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Lucille is too distracted by the goats, but you can tell she’s jumping around with her tiny fairy wings still.

Rosie/Lucille: Yes!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You don’t see an old lady. You see a young fairy. 

Rosie/Lucille: Yes!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And yes, you are still small. You are still a little gnome.

Olive/Timmit: Timmit takes a deep breath. *inhales* 

[goat bleats]

Olive/Timmit: *exhales* “Well.” I look over at Noah. “Wait a minute, does that mean…” I’ll click my fingers and produce flame.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: A flame ignites.

[flames roar briefly]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Careful with that on the goat farm.  

Rosie/Lucille: If you set my goats on fire… Don’t you dare. 

Olive/Timmit: No Lucille, I’m not going to set your goats on fire. I’m really tempted.

Rosie/Lucille: Because I’ve got a spell I can use against you if you do that.

Olive/Timmit: I know! I know, I know, but I don’t want to.

Rosie/Lucille: Go on, try.

Steven/Noah:  PvP, let’s go!

Olive/Timmit: Because honestly it looks really peaceful out here, actually.

Rosie/Lucille: It is, and you can go and pat them, and they’re all cute, and they make little noises, and you just hang out with them. 

Steven/NoaH:  *whispering* “Fire.” I’m just going to fly up on Skittles, who I assume is still with my.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yep. Skittles is still with you. 

Steven/NoaH:  I do a quick three-sixty. Can I see Melbourne?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: How far away is the property from Melbourne?

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, quite a few… Let’s say we’re probably two hundred kilometres. Yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: I don’t think you’d really see it from there, would you?

Olive/Timmit: There is absolutely no way Lucille would go into the city to do grocery shopping. 

Rosie/Lucille: It’s the tradition. It’s what her parents did before her, and what their parents did before that.

Olive/Timmit: Two hundred kilometres!?

Rosie/Lucille: Yep, absolutely. For a while it was the only place you could get good priced sewing materials. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Let’s head over to Magnolia now that that’s set in a little bit. 

Tyrone/Cleary: Welcome. Welcome home. I don’t know what these contraptions the Winter Court have made are, but-

Jorja/Magnolia: Those are from my world. 

Tyrone/Cleary: Oh, you guys have them too?

Jorja/Magnolia: I don’t know if it’s ‘too’ or these are the same ones.

Tyrone/Cleary: Is everything okay?

Jorja/Magnolia: I don’t know. When we went to Exanimus there were parts of Melbourne that were in Exanimus.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She’s sort of getting her bearings a bit more now, and she’s like:

Tyrone/Cleary: Yeah, some of these buildings do kind of look like that place, huh?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, that’s the gallery, which is a great place to go on dates. Anyway…

Tyrone/Cleary: We could go there now.

Jorja/Magnolia: “And there’s the trams.” Can I see- Are trams moving?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yeah.

Jorja/Magnolia: What, is is circling? Is it-

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s along a highway with some cars going past as well. It’s pretty lazy traffic, but there’s traffic.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay.

Steven/Noah: Who’s driving the vehicles?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes, who’s in the vehicles?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’d like to get a good look?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Roll a perception.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Magnolia: Natural twenty for twenty-five.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You see this bird person trying to drive this car. The wings are in the way because the seats are designed for a person. Their beak is blocking their vision. They’re wearing a suit and a tie. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay, so sick.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Cleary’s just going to get on the radio and be like:

Tyrone/Cleary: [radio] Congratulations everyone. We are home. It’s Moving Day. Let’s party. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And you guys back on the farm, you guys can hear that through your ear-pieces as well. 

Rosie/Lucille: [radio] Party!

Steven/Noah: On our radios or the sending stone?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: On the radios, yeah. On the gems. 

Jorja/Magnolia: I’ll go get on it and be like, [radio] “Hey guys, so…”

Steven/Noah: [radio] Hey, what the fuck?

Jorja/Magnolia: She’s going to be like, [radio] “So, the NGV is here.”

Rosie/Lucille: [radio] Did you just go to Melbourne?

Jorja/Magnolia: [radio] No because there’s a person driving a car, but they’re a bird, so it’s what happened to me happened to them?

Olive/Timmit: [radio] Yep, righto. Okay, I was going to ask- I had a million questions, but go on. 

Jorja/Magnolia: [radio] Yeah, it’s your worst fears.

Steven/Noah: [radio] Because we’re not human. We’re on a goat farm, which I think is a good thing, but we’re not… We’re still…

Jorja/Magnolia: [radio] Okay, I have a very important question. Are the goats still goats?

Rosie/Lucille: [radio] Oh yeah, they’re goats alright.

Jorja/Magnolia: [radio] Okay. I thought it would be funny.

Rosie/Lucille: If they were human.

Olive/Timmit: [radio] Yes, hilarious. Bahahahaha.

Rosie/Lucille: You mean baaa.  

Olive/Timmit: It’s what I said. [radio] “So, what is going on? Are you in Melbourne? What is happening?”

Jorja/Magnolia: [radio] Yeah, their hometown is here, and then just in front of it is a tramline. 

Olive/Timmit: [radio] Is it some sort of weird crossover between dimensions, or was it shattered and now it’s split into different multiverses, or is it inspired? I don’t…

Tyrone/Cleary: [radio] Hey guys, Cleary here. I can hear you guys too. Do you guys think that we should attempt a meetup if you think that we’re in same place and all?

Rosie/Lucille: Goat farm meetup! 

Olive/Timmit: Do you have a car, Lucille?

Rosie/Lucille: Yes.

Steven/Noah: Does it run?

Rosie/Lucille: No, it wheels. It doesn’t have legs, so it can’t run, but yes it works. I just don’t like using it, but yes, we can get in the car.

Steven/Noah: As the character who’s proficient in every single fucking tool you can ever imagine, I will fix the car.

Olive/Timmit: Thank you, and then we’ll go.

Steven/Noah: Lucille, show me where the car is.  

Rosie/Lucille: Alright, so if we walk through the goat area there is a little place by the creek, and I’ve got this car parked there underneath the tree. It has had flood water in it, but it will still run. A bit rusty, but that’s alright.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: We’re going to do a little bit of a fade out here.

[magical chiming]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Where are we meeting?

Olive/Timmit: I was going to send a message to Magnolia and let her know that we’ll be three hours, and we’ll meet her Swanston Station.

Rosie/Lucille That’s not a place.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Flinders Street Station, but sure.

Olive/Timmit: That’s what I meant. Wow.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay, so if that’s the NGV then we walk up this way.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Flinders Street Station. Yes, there’s birdfolk around in suits and ties and briefcases. There’s firbolgs and gnomes and fairies fluttering about. There are elves of every variety. There are humans too. Everyone is seemingly going about their day, and after finding a park in the city, which is god awful.

Jorja/Magnolia: Lucille did not find a park.

Rosie/Lucille: I was just going to say, bold of us to drive to Flinders Street Station.

Steven/Noah: Lucille did not drive.

Olive/Timmit: Who’s saying that Lucille drove?

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, I was going to say, I would have palmed it off to one of you guys. Lucille does not like driving.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, if Lucille drove she was not finding a park. She was stopping the car somewhere, that’s for sure.  

Steven/Noah: Obviously Skittles drove.

Olive/Timmit: He is the most competent. 

Steven/Noah: You’re not wrong.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Magnolia is there with Cleary, and they’re both standing in front of Flinders Street Station. 

Rosie/Lucille: Magnolia, darling. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Hello.

Rosie/Lucille: Hello poppet.

Jorja/Magnolia: Hello.

Steven/Noah: Cleary, your machine is fucked.

Tyrone/Cleary: No, it worked perfectly. 

Steven/Noah: Ah, this isn’t Melbourne.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, but that's not Melbourne, but this is Melbourne.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Pointing at Lambence, yeah?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah.

Steven/Noah: What about the birds and the gnomes and the fairies?

Rosie/Lucille: Maybe they were here before and we just didn’t see them.  

Tyrone/Cleary: These are the people of Atrius. Remember, they were all glamoured, and then Kyros was working to bring the glamorous down, yeah?  

Steven/Noah:Does that mean that he’s succeeded?

Tyrone/Cleary: I mean, it’s very possible. I mean, I don’t know where he is now. Maybe he’s possibly in the Winter Court still.

Steven/Noah:Where are the Winter Court?

Tyrone/Cleary: I mean, it looks nothing like the place that we once knew, so I wouldn’t know where to start.

Olive/Timmit: Where’s everyone else, Cleary?

Tyrone/Cleary: The king and that?

Olive/Timmit: Yes.

Tyrone/Cleary: At the city.

Steven/Noah: They’re in Lambence. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The big, towering city is just hanging out in the parkland opposite the art gallery. 

Steven/Noah: It just says, ‘Lambence, the Wayfarers’ City.’  

Jorja/Magnolia: It’s in there.

Olive/Timmit: Uh-huh. Right. So, where are we?

Tyrone/Cleary: Atrius, I guess.

Rosie/Lucille: No, this is Pangea mate.

Jorja/Magnolia: We’re going to have to go talk this out, I think.

Steven/Noah: Where’s the horny mage one? What’s her name? Thaumus?

Tyrone/Cleary: At the city. It’s Moving Day. They’re celebrating.  

Steven/Noah: Okay, well let’s talk to her. 

Rosie/Lucille: They’ve fully moved their city into our city.

Steven/Noah: Well, they moved into someone’s city, that's for sure., and they’re like, ‘Ooo party! Ooo drugs!’ No wonder they got kicked out.  

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And you guys head to Lambence, the Wayfarers’ City, and we fade to black.

[upbeat lo-fi music plays]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Timmit, it’s been a few days now. You’ve sorted out the stuff at the city, which is something to explore another time. What is the first thing you do? The first real thing you do after the whole portal business is all done? What do you do back in your personal life?

Olive/Timmit: Well, how long would it have been that we were away for?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Eleven days.

Olive/Timmit: Well, I sure as shit don’t have a job anymore. The first thing I would have done is drop by the office and see Margaret. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You walk into the lobby that you described back at the tower, and sitting behind the desk is a satyr woman wearing juicy, juicy nails.

Tyrone/Margaret: Oh my god, is that you Timmit? I’ve been wondering where you’ve been. It’s been so long.

Olive/Timmit: Does she look the exact same?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She’s a satyr.

Olive/Timmit: Oh shit. Alright. Okay.

Steven/Noah: So, she doesn’t have juicy nails, she has juicy hooves.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes.

Olive/Timmit: Yes. I love that actually. I’m just looking up at her like, “Hi Margaret. Yes. yes hi, it’s me. How are you?”

Tyrone/Margaret: I’ve been doing great. We’ve had to do a bit of renovations, so we’re starting the renovations due to everyone’s physical appearance changing, but…”

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard about that. Yep. Look, I just wanted to drop by, and if you could do me a favour and just hand this letter-

Tyrone/Margaret: What is it?

Olive/Timmit: It’s just my resignation. I wanted to be formal. I assumed I’m fired, but you know, I just wanted to-

Tyrone/Margaret: Oh honey, with all the fuckery that’s going on here you could ask for your job back. 

Olive/Timmit: “I know I could, but I don’t think this is where I need to be right now, and I also wanted to give you these,” and I’ll pull out a bunch of flowers, and I’ll hand them over to Margaret. 

Tyrone/Margaret: Oh thank you dear. It’s not apple and cinnamon muffins, but the flowers are to die for.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She’s going to start chewing them. *chewing sounds*

Olive/Timmit: I just… Oh, okay.

Tyrone/Margaret: Yeah, I’ve had to adjust to a new diet.

Olive/Timmit: That’s very fair. Can you still eat apple and cinnamon muffins?   

Tyrone/Margaret: Nothing will get in the way of me and an apple and cinnamon muffin.

Olive/Timmit: “Okay, that’s good. That’s such a relief.” From my suitcase I’ll pull out a box of them and pop them on the counter.

Tyrone/Margaret: Oh my god. Thank you.   

Olive/Timmit: No, thank you. I just wanted to stop by and say thank you.

Tyrone/Margaret: Let’s get coffee sometime. Even if you don’t work here we can still be besties. 

Olive/Timmit: That sounds great. I’d love that, Margaret. 

Tyrone/Margaret: Well, I’m on my lunch in fifteen. You want a coffee?

Olive/Timmit: That sounds good. Let’s do it.

Tyrone/Margaret: I’ll go hand in your resignation for you.  

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Lucille.

Rosie/Lucille: Yes?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s been a couple of days.

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: What do you do?

Rosie/Lucille: I go back to a relaxing time on the goat farm and await the king. No actually - well I do that - but I also make sure I’ve got on a little communicate thing so I can communicate with all the people I’ve met so I’m not just alone on a goat farm forever, and I want to have little contacts and chats, and I also - now that I know the king is in the area - have a little calendar, and I write into the calendar once a week where I’m going to go and see the king. I’m not going to go and make a booking or whatever. I’m just going to show up, but I have a little plan for that in place and I look forward to it every week. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: In fact, one day you’re out with the goats giving them a feed and giving them a little scritch behind the ear, and you see a another figure entering the fields, and it is - in fact - King Oberon. 

Rosie/Lucille: King! I knew you’d come. I’ve had scones ready for so long, but by ‘so long’ I mean two days, but I’ve made them every day so they’re fresh. There’s some in the oven now. Do you want some?

Tyrone/Oberon: That would be delightful. 

Rosie/Lucille: Goat cream?

Tyrone/Oberon: Whatever tastes good.

Rosie/Lucille: We’ll go with regular cream.

[laughter]

Jorja/Magnolia: That might be the best thing you’ve ever done. 

Tyrone/Oberon: I did promise that I’d visit the goat farm.

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, I’m going to take him around introduce him to every one of one hundred and twenty-three goats. Do you want me to give you all their names?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, just some highlights will do.

Rosie/Lucille: God. “Well, you know about Sparkles and Sprinkles. There’s also Peachy, Computer, Water, Dice, Dragon, Glass, Furry, Ears, Wax, Trotter.

Tyrone/Oberon: I like the sound of Dragon the best. I think they’re my favourite.

Rosie/Lucille: Would you like to keep dragon?

Tyrone/Oberon: Dragon would get lonely. Dragon can stay here and I’ll come visit them.

Rosie/Lucille: Once a week or more? 

Tyrone/Oberon: Well, we’ll alternate. I’ll come here one week, and you’ll come to Lambence on the other week.

Rosie/Lucille: King, is this the start of what we might call a relationship of sorts?

Tyrone/Oberon: Let’s have some of those scones that you’ve talked so fondly about.

Rosie/Lucille: I notice the avoidance to answer and I ignore it. “Yes. Let’s”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And you have tea and scones with the king as we fade to black again. And we come up on Magnolia. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Heyo!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s been a couple of days. What’s been going on?

Jorja/Magnolia: I bought new seeds to plant new plants because they’re probably dead.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re not going to plant the ones that were in your bag? I guess Timmit has that now, hey.  

Olive/Timmit: I wouldn’t have any of that shit on me. I would have given it all back to you.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah. Also, there was a lot of aetherblooms, so…

Olive/Timmit: No, go on. Plant the dangerous deadly plant. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay. No. Magnolia’s just going to reevaluate her life a little bit, and she’s going ot get more into science and nature and learning and studies, and she is going to make sure to see Lucille at least once a week.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Oh jeez.

Rosie/Lucille: Yay. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: That’s quite the drive once a week.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, well she fucking hoons, so it’s fine. She speeds like crazy, and she’s just going to continue researching, ‘What the hell?’

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Cleary will come visit you in the greenhouse one day at work. 

Tyrone/Cleary: Your foliage here in Pangea is very interesting. It’s very different from ours.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah. A bit different.

Tyrone/Cleary: I can see where your knowledge of the aetherbloom came from.

Jorja/Magnolia: I mean, I tried, but I could do better.  

Tyrone/Cleary: Maybe I could plant a flower and I could look after it here?

Jorja/Magnolia: Of course.

Tyrone/Cleary: Do you have any magnolia seeds?

Jorja/Magnolia: I do. I just got some.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: So yeah, you two work together to grow this magnolia planter.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: And we’ll move over to Noah. What are you doing a couple of days in Noah?

Steven/Noah: Well, pan across Noah’s apartments. There is a shield that’s been rested up against one of his cabinets. The red gem from that shield is mysteriously missing as the revived Honey Boo Boo and his sister Beeyonce are working tirelessly. As a biomechanical engineer I manufacture devices used for biological testing, and I’ve taught them how to do it. So, they do that day in and day out, and they’re pumping them out. Meanwhile, I’m on my balcony with the real Honey Boo Boo and Beeyonce in their beehives.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Never let them meet or they’ll be jealous!

Steven/Noah: They’re soulless machines. It’s fine.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: No, not the bees. The bees aren’t soulless machines! 

Steven/Noah: Skittles is scuttling about, watering my flowers and serving me beverages.

*Skittles chirps*

Steven/Noah: As I lounge in the sun with some sunglasses on.  

Jorja/Magnolia: Pasty white.

Steven/Noah: One hundred percent. I have so many layers of sunscreen. I’m applying with a paint roller.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: We don’t care about our friend Sam that we never saw?

Steven/Noah: Nope.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Fuck her.

Steven/Noah: Nope. She never turned up. Probably in the wrong Zelda costume anyway.  

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Well, we look out over the horizon as the sun sets, and as the credits roll down. 

[the upbeat low-fi music slowly fades out]

Theme Song: [rock music plays]

Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: My name is Tyrone Cross, and I’m the Dungeon Master and Editor.

Steven/Noah: I’m Steven Edwards, and I played Noah Baker.

Olive/Timmit: My name is Olive Jerome, and I played Timothy ‘Timmit’ Gulbert.

Rosie/Lucille: I am Rosemary Ochtman, and I played Lucille Von Goat.

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m Jorja Odd, and I played Magnolia Prince.

Elias: My name is Elias Moffat, and I am the Content Producer, Narrative Consultant, and Transcriber.

Lily: My name is Lily Harnath.

Henry: And I’m Henry Lucas, and we wrote the theme song, ‘The Belly of the Beast.’ 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people, and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders. 

Theme Song: [rock music continues]

Finding home in the belly of the beast, (in the belly of the beast), to make it home we can’t accept defeat, (there’s no turning back) so roll the dice and come along with me, (come along with me, let’s go), finding home in the belly of the beast.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: In the deep dark of a forgotten room, frost ferns glaze the walls, and a puff of air betrays the presence of a woman seated in the room’s centre. The woman is statue-still, unbothered by the cold as she patiently waits. With a spark and a blaze of gold, a portal yawns open in the empty air, and a tall figure steps out, looking as though she floats rather than walks as she moves across the space. The seated woman inclines her head. 

Tyrone/Demeter: Valtyra.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:Valtyra comes to a halt on the other side of the wide rosewood desk. They lift their arms out and bows lightly in the mockery of a curtsey, their long pale sleeves fluttering.

Tyrone/Valtyra: Queen Demeter.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She greets. 

Tyrone/Valtyra: I trust you will make this quick? I do have places to be. Nearly too many to count.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Demeter eyes Valtyra, her gaze like ice as it bores into the stately figure. Valtyra smiles placidly, hands folded together.

Tyrone/Demeter: We have an issue, as I am sure you are likely already aware, due to the nature of your. . . resources.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Demeter waves a careless hand. 

Tyrone/Demeter: You  recall a certain portal you provided aid for?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Valtyra’s smile grows in size, but it is not what one would call friendly. 

Tyrone/Valtyra: You must understand, I would not recall every single portal across every single dimension under my authority.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Demeter nearly huffs, instead shifting in her seat.

Tyrone/Demeter: Yes, however you are aware of my court’s issues with the Summer Court?

Tyrone/Valtyra:  Ah yes, the bygone era of the warring courts. Now, who could forget that?

Tyrone/Demeter: Yes. Well, it would seem the Summer Court has found a way to slither back home, even across a distance that I was led to understand was insurmountable to come back from.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Demeter leans forward a millimetre. 

Tyrone/Demeter: So how would you feel about striking a deal, hm?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Valtyra’s smile sharpens, and they steeple their hands.

Tyrone/Valtyra: What did you have in mind, my dear?