Episode 24: Moving Day

In the penultimate episode, the party prepares for their final battle and says their last goodbyes to the city that helped them.

Content warnings for this week’s episode include coarse language.

Join our Patreon

Find us on Instagram

Follow us on TikTok

Like us on Facebook

Follow us on Threads

Dungeon Master, Editing, and Community Manager is Tyrone Cross      

Noah is Steven Edwards

Timothy is Olive Jerome

Lucille is Rosemary Ochtman

Magnolia is Jorja Odd

Elias Moffat is our Content Producer, Narrative Consultant, and Transcriber

Theme song is “Belly of The Beast” by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas (@lilyharnath & @henrylucas5)

We’re on the lookout for a couple of people to join the team as a Community Manager and Transcriber. Send us an email if that sounds like you!

Email us at portalquandary@gmail.com 

Sound effects used in this episode include:

Fire - mmutua

noch9 - levelclearer

sunshine333 - levelclearer

intro_snow4 - levelclearer

Thunder - straget

Incoming Artillery - bendodge

Nostromo17 - levelclearer

Battle - levelclearer

This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders. 

The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased) is intended or should be inferred.

Transcript

Rosie/Lucille:  Portal Quandary has some content warnings which you can find in the episode description.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Having overheard Jack’s helpful directions, Kyros creeps through the dim hallways of the Winter Court’s fortress, listening for the sound of wayward guards on the lookout for him. He doesn’t know how long he has, but he can only hope he evades their notice for long enough to find Queen Demeter’s glamour over the world and bring it down before Cleary leads the Summer Court back to their home. He doesn’t know what he’s expecting when he comes to the room Jack has directed him to, but it certainly isn’t this. The contents of the room are a blend of familiar magic and strange technology the Summer Court never had the chance to develop while constantly on the run in Prophis. Control panels with charts and dials sit next to alchemy tables and bookshelves with magical tomes stacked neatly on them around the room’s perimeter. The ceiling is dark with a sea of stars illuminating the room. If he didn’t know they were underground, Kyros would think he was looking out at the night sky. Occupying most of the room is the enormous globe in the middle of the space. Iridescent strands of magic encircle the globe like a living net. While the majority of them weave around the orb, stray strands peel away and disappear into the night sky above, leading Kyros to question just how high the ceiling in here actually is. This huge mass of magic is, without a doubt, what powers the glamour around the planet. He circles the globe, examining the magic shifting around it with a critical eye. There’s no way his own magic alone will be able to interfere with the glamour - it’s a powerful mechanism that likely needs regular upkeep by the Winter Court, if the equipment in here is any indication. He turns to the equipment and looks it over, scanning the tomes on the shelves and trying to make sense of the dials and levers on the panels. If he can figure out how it all connects to the glamour, he can probably shut it down. He isn’t sure how long he spends darting across the room, circling the globe and slowly understanding of how the glamour works. His thoughts race between Cleary and his court, his no-doubt impending recapture, and the complex mechanism unlike any puzzle he’s worked through before. But, as with all puzzles, Kyros slowly pieces it together. The door to the room quietly opens, and is closed just as quietly. Kyros leans over the dials, twisting this then that, a glimmer of triumph welling in his chest. He reaches for a lever when a blade halts his path, the sharp end pressing into his arm. The fairy before him addresses him, 

Tyrone/Khione: Kyros. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: She is dressed in standard Winter Court garb, and her face is sharp. Her wings, though, are what draw Kyros’s eye. They are ragged, more hole than wing, the delicate tatters fluttering in the faint breeze generated by the ever-shifting magic of the globe.

Tyrone/Khione: So you’re the one who brought those criminals into our city. They attacked my partner, Jack. They burned my wings!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The fairy draws her sword back, swiping at Kyros. He dodges backward, the blade only just missing him. The fairy before him smiles, full of bloodlust.

Tyrone/Khione: I’m Agent Khione. I’m taking you in.

Theme Song: [rock music plays]

Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast

Steven/Noah: Hello.

Jorja/Magnolia: Hello.

Rosie/Lucille: Hello poppet.

Olive/Timmit: Hello.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Hello! Welcome to the penultimate episode of Portal Quandary: Prophis. But, we have some dangers happening currently because Timmit has located a few dangers surrounding the city including: some big mammal; some big serpent thing; some big insects; a big tree walking; and just now he also spots, coming from the direction of Theran, this big lightning storm situation with a big glowing light at the centre of it making its way towards the city as well. 

Olive/Timmit: Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh shit. Ah, alright, you’ve got this.  Easy. No worries, just think, think for a second.

Steven/Noah: Again, why are we using the public channel? 

Olive/Timmit: I’m not on the earpiece, you bitch.

[laughter]

Olive/Timmit: I’ll take a look at my surroundings, and think for a moment and just, “Oh my god. Okay, alright.” I’ll go into the public channel. “[radio] Thaumus, are you there?”

Tyrone/Thaumus: [radio] Yes dearie. Is everything alright over there? You’re not hurt?  

Olive/Timmit: [radio] No, not hurt. No, no, no. Just wondering if you’ve got a handle on this?

Tyrone/Thaumus: [radio] No.

Steven/Noah: Well that’s reassuring.

Olive/Timmit: [radio] Wonderful, I’m so glad. Magnolia.  

Jorja/Magnolia: [radio] Hey guys, if you could be more upbeat about this it might help. 

Olive/Timmit: [radio] Hey, where are you right now?

Jorja/Magnolia: [radio] Oh, you know, in a swarm.

Olive/Timmit: [radio] Okay, alright…

Rosie/Lucille: [radio] Of goats? 

Jorja/Magnolia: [radio] No.

Rosie/Lucille: [radio] Alright.

Olive/Timmit: [radio] Where did you say you were going? Where are you right now?

Jorja/Magnolia: [radio] I’m in the middle of town and everyone is terrified.  

Olive/Timmit: [radio] Okay, I’m coming to help.

Jorja/Magnolia: [radio] Look for the elk. 

Olive/Timmit: [radio] The who?

Jorja/Magnolia: [radio] You know, Toby. 

Steven/Noah: The pre established elk.

Jorja/Magnolia: [radio] You had breakfast with him. That’s really rude. 

Tyrone/Thaumus: [radio] Everyone… Not everyone, but the four of you, I think it best if we meet back up at the castle and talk game plan and stop talking over the radio. 

Jorja/Magnolia: [radio] Now you say it. Thanks!  

Olive/Timmit: I’m going to make my way from where I was assisting Thaumus into the centre of the city, and just get a gauge of what’s happening over there.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It’s Black Friday, honey. It is Christmas Eve in the CBD. Everybody needs their cabbages. Everybody needs their produce because they know that they need the food to survive. 

Olive/Timmit: Can I spot the elk?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Yes. The elk is a large creature amidst a swarm of small creatures. Then again, they do fly, but-

Olive/Timmit: But he’s standing on his back legs - up.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Rearing up. *neighs*

Olive/Timmit: I’ll quickly zip over and land beside the giant elk, and quickly scan around and see Magnolia. “Should we go?”

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m trying. 

Olive/Timmit: Alright.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Are Noah and Lucille doing anything? Are they just vibing in Cleary’s workshop still?

Steven/Noah: I mean, I’m not surrounded by angry Black [Friday] sales shoppers, so I’m pretty sure we’ve got the coordinates, so I’m just making sure I’ve got it all down and in my brain. 

Rosie/Lucille: Neither. Well, I did hear that we should go to the castle and the king is at the castle, so I’m probably going to go to the castle.  

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: You’re inside the castle right now, babes.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, excellent. I’m going to stay put. I thought we were somewhere else. 

Steven/Noah: We’ll just wait here until everyone else arrives.

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah cool, they’ll come to us.

Olive/Timmit: Lucille is always somewhere else.

Rosie/Lucille: Is that Lucille or just Rosie?

Steven/Noah: It’s never one hundred percent of either.

Tyrone/Cheryl: Magnolia! Magnolia! Where are you going!? Where are you going!? I thought you were throwing the cabbages!?

Jorja/Magnolia: There’s something I’ve got to deal with. You’ve got a good arm. You can do it. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Cheryl will remember this. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Good.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Cheryl will remember how Magnolia left her in her hour of need. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Soon Cheryl will remember how she didn’t get eviscerated by - how many? - five giant fucking things.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Leaving the marketplace, heading to the castle, I presume on elkback?

Jorja/Magnolia: I am. 

Olive/Timmit: Magnolia?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah babes.

Olive/Timmit: Can you help me up?

Jorja/Magnolia: Help you up onto here?

Olive/Timmit: Yes please.

Jorja/Magnolia: “Ooo yeah, of course.” I’m going to grab Timmit, and I’m going to put him in front of me so Timmit is closer to the head of the elk. 

Olive/Timmit: My palms immediately sweat as they reach out and grab onto whatever they can, and hold on not too tightly, but just tightly enough. 

Tyrone/Toby: Magnolia, everything is going to be okay. You’re very safe in my...hands? Hooves? 

Olive/Timmit: The mystical deer that doesn’t know what it is. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: It was a dog, and then it woke up as an elk.

Jorja/Magnolia: It died and then was reborn. “Thanks Toby. Love you. Let’s go.”

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Forgive it for having an identity crisis.

Jorja/Magnolia: That’s the old you. You’re dead. Restart.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The old Taylor can’t come to the phone right now.

Steven/Noah: Why? Because she’s dead.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The castle. Whereabouts are we going in the castle? Which area? The library? Cleary’s workshop?  The dining hall?

Steven/Noah: Into the radio: “[radio] Meet us in Cleary’s workshop.”

Jorja/Magnolia: [radio] Say less.

Steven/Noah: [radio] Meet. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The king is still here because he was helping you with the experiment last we left him.

Tyrone/Oberon: Thank you all for coming. We should however meet in the throne room or perhaps in the council room as we will need a few others to make some plans.

Steven/Noah: Lead the way.

Tyrone/Oberon: Let’s all meet at the throne room.

Steven/Noah: Transition music. 

[magical ringing sound]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The throne room: we have quite a lot of people gathered. It’s not just the usual Oberon and the Kingsguard and Cleary. We’ve also got the head of the engineering department, the head of the medicine department. The head of defence is also here, including Onyx and Ayanna Auris (the head of the Kingsguard). Every head of departments and every head of sub-departments are here at the meeting.

Tyrone/Oberon: Timmit and Thaumus, if you could please address the room at large and describe what you saw.

Olive/Timmit: I’ll- I’ll throw up.

Tyrone/Thaumus: What?

Olive/Timmit: Thaumus, you need to do it. I’ll throw up.

Tyrone/Thaumus: Why would you throw up, dear?

Olive/Timmit: My tummy’s got a little ache. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Can someone just say what’s happening and how quick it’s happening, so we can figure things out? 

Tyrone/Thaumus: To summarise the scenario, we have coming from Novis, we’ve sighted a large mammal of some description. We believe it to be an Astroglamos. Coming from Avos, we’ve also sighted some serpentine actions. We’ve seen some scales but haven’t gotten a good look at it. Coming from Neptis, we’ve seen some sights of some insect swarm plague.

Steven/Noah: Bees?

Tyrone/Thaumus: Impossible to tell from that range, but it could possibly be bees. We believe these to also be Astroglamos. 

Rosie/Lucille: Sick.

Tyrone/Thaumus: Coming from Theran, we’ve seen some sort of sentient lightning storm, which does seem to be unusual weather patterns, and we also believe it to be an Astroglamos, and finally we have seen a giant tree similar to the Kingsgrove itself coming from Exanimus, which I believe you guys visited recently.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah. yeah we did. How are we going to… How do we even start? 

Steven/Noah: Who’s the head of defence?

Tyrone/Lumen: That would be me, Lumen, the Guard Captain.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: He’s quite a serious fairy covered in furs. He’s got autumnal leaves in a butterfly shape. He’s got a bow and arrow by his side.

Steven/Noah: Lumen, how do we defend the city?

Tyrone/Lumen: Well, it sounds like Moving Day’s been moved to tomorrow, so we need to fend off until then. We’re getting the Perimeter Watch to have a look at the situation at the moment to assess how long until they come. I believe we should split up into five different groups to attack the five different Astroglami.

Olive/Timmit: How long until these scouts return, do you think? 

Tyrone/Lumen: We should have answers within the hour, I think. 

Rosie/Lucille: If the scouts return. *evil laugh*

Jorja/Magnolia: Who invited her?

Olive/Timmit: Seriously? Seriously Lucille? I mean-

Rosie/Lucille: Well, you never know. It’s pretty dangerous out there.

Olive/Timmit: Okay.

Rosie/Lucille: I’m just being realistic. We can’t count on anything, can we?

Olive/Timmit: Timmit’s going to take this time to find a seat, sit himself down, and begin his hour short rest.    

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Just in the middle of the war plans?

Olive/Timmit: Yeah.

Rosie/Lucille: Just have a nap.

Olive/Timmit: Sit in a chair, just lean back, and my eyes will be closed, but I’ll still be paying attention. Just gathering my strength. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Okay.

Olive/Timmit: These spell slots bro.

Jorja/Magnolia: Toby’s going to sit next to you.

Olive/Timmit: Okay, yep, cool, fine, yep. Come on.

Tyrone/Lumen: Alright, we’ve got five teams. I reckon we could get the Perimeter Watch could definitely take care of one themselves, and possibly even the-

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: The king will chime in.  

Tyrone/Oberon: I think myself and Illumen, we could possibly take one ourselves. Possibly with the Kingsguard if they'd like to join me.  

Steven/Noah: Slay. We saw him evaporate a dragon. 

Tyrone/Lumen: The engineering department, I think you could possibly take it. I’ve seen some of the machinery you have, including your magic ballistas. You’ll be operating the ballistas and the cannons from the top of the city walls. Considering our forces, I think possibly that the City Watch should attack one as well, leaving the medicine department to look after the citizens themselves. That leaves you four. 

Olive/Timmit: Eight.

Tyrone/Lumen: What am I missing?  

Jorja/Magnolia: Skittles, Toby, Beeyonce.

Rosie/Lucille: Goat.

Jorja/Magnolia: Goaty.

Steven/Noah: And Goaty.

Olive/Timmit: Margaret. 

Jorja/Magnolia: She’s not here right now. 

Steven/Noah: We’ve never seen her.

Olive/Timmit: She’s real.

Jorja/Magnolia: Is she here right now?

Olive/Timmit: I’ll flick my hand and… Wait, hang on. Let me see if I have it prepared.

Steven/Noah: This proves nothing.

Jorja/Magnolia: You’re wasting a spell. 

Olive/Timmit: I get it back at the end of a short rest anyway. It’s fine.

Steven/Noah: Are you short resting if you’re casting spells?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, you’re not. 

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, you’re asleep right now.

Olive/Timmit: Alright then, why don’t you all just get your own friends and have a fun time, and I’ll just sit in the corner and sleep and be wise.

Rosie/Lucille: Hey, you’re the one who said you wanted a little nap. 

Olive/Timmit: I do want a little nap. We’re going to get fucked.

Steven/Noah: Wizards, am I right?

Olive/Timmit: Well, what’s there for us to deal with?

Tyrone/Lumen: Assessing the situation from Thaumus’s story, it’s sounding  possibly like the Astroexanimus that you guys had a battle with before has transformed into this tree, and so I think possibly that you guys have had experience with that, and so you should be the ones to fight the tree.

Steven/Noah: Right, we have had experience with that, and I vote we don’t fight the tree.

Rosie/Lucille: Just need to set it on fire. Just need to set it on fire. It’ll be fine. It’s easy.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, it’s a tree. Wood will burn, easy.

Rosie/Lucille: I can make fire. 

Steven/Noah: Who said it’s made of wood?

Rosie/Lucille: It’s a tree.

Steven/Noah: It came from a metal plane. It’s probably made of metal.

Olive/Timmit: Metal burns too.

Rosie/Lucille: But not in the same way wood does, does it?

Olive/Timmit: No, you’ve just got to be a little more persistent.

Steven/Noah: I’m just picturing a campfire versus a furnace. They’re a little different.

Jorja/Magnolia: I mean, the rest fucking sound like they suck as well. The storm, that’s better for more people, so I feel like one of the bigger groups. Same with insects. 

Steven/Noah: As much as I want to see the bees, I agree.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, we won’t be able to kill them if they’re bees.  

Steven/Noah: I won’t, not emotionally. 

Jorja/Magnolia: No.

Rosie/Lucille: Speaking as someone who lives and works on a goat farm, bees are good. I would never kill a bee, so I think we should take a stand against this.

Steven/Noah: Thank you Lucille.

Jorja/Magnolia: That was excellent input. Timmit is afraid of all animals. A tree is not an animal. 

Olive/Timmit: I concur. That’s a fantastic point. We should definitely follow Magnolia’s lead.

Steven/Noah: Okay, but does this tree also exude this anti-magic that we’ve had to fight previously?

Olive/Timmit: If it does we’re fucked. Great counterpoint. Rebuttal?

Rosie/Lucille: I’ve got a walking stick. 

Jorja/Magnolia: My rebuttal as way of Lucille.

Olive/Timmit: Sold.

Steven/Noah: ‘My rebuttal’! 

Olive/Timmit: We’re done. We’re going to the tree. Done.

Jorja/Magnolia: How far away is the tree? Can I tell at all?

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: It was from Exanimus, and it took you guys at least half a day to fly between Exanimus and Lambence.

Jorja/Magnolia: Which is… Say, in miles?  

Steven/Noah: Miles?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes.

Steven/Noah: This is an Australian podcast.

Jorja/Magnolia: But D&D is based on American systems. 

Rosie/Lucille: I don’t know what miles are. I mean, I know what miles are. I don’t know how big they are. ‘Merica!

Steven/Noah: One point six. Back to what we’re doing. Would I potentially be able to send Beeyonce on a scout and say, ‘Fly as close as you can to the tree and then fly back.’ If she doesn’t come back, it didn’t work.

Jorja/Magnolia: Can she talk telepathically to you?

Steven/Noah: She can’t talk.

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Telepathy has got a sixty foot range I think. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah. Okay, I know what I’ll do. Can I just fly up really high so I can see the tree? I’ll go out the window, I don’t care.

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: You’re just like, ‘Okay, one second.’ Nroom.

Jorja/Magnolia: “One second. I’ve got a brilliant idea. You’re going to love this.” And then around the tree, can I still see Glamos?

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Around the…? Yes. yes, yes, yes. You can still see Glamos around it.

Jorja/Magnolia: I think it’s fine.  

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: You think what’s fine?

Jorja/Magnolia: I think there’s no anti-magic field. Because Glmaos is magic.

Steven/Noah: Based on the science that we’ve done previously.

Jorja/Magnolia: I’ll fly back into the window. “So, I’ve done some deducting. I put my detective hat on. There are reeds all around the tree, so I think we’re good.”

Olive/Timmit: Sweet. Alright, so what’s our game plan? How are we going to…? Are we just going to wait for it to get here? Do we want to go out and meet it? How do we-

Jorja/Magnolia: We should wait for the scouts to tell us how long until they get here because there might be some city preparation that we need to do.

Olive/Timmit: Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.

Steven/Noah: I mean, we’re all just a bunch of people from Melbourne, so maybe we should listen to the city guard people.

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Cleary will chime in.

Tyrone/Cleary: Well, I have to go hang out with you guys and do the portal there with you guys. The Moving Day squad has to come with us because the moment that they’re done with the portal and I hop in we have to pass you the portal machine. So yes, I can sort of help you in battle, but I’m going to have to be focusing on the machine while I keep it open while the Moving Day people go in.

Steven/Noah: So will I, so go out and risk your lives because I have important things to do. I’m kidding…maybe. So, you say Moving Day is tomorrow?

Tyrone/Cleary: Yes. 

Steven/Noah: Is Moving Day going through the portal? Or are we moving first and then going through the portal? 

Tyrone/Cleary: I don’t understand the question.

Steven/Noah: So, Moving Day is usually aligning the rocks and then the whole city moves.

Tyrone/Cleary: Yes.

Steven/Noah: So, are you doing that, or is ‘Moving Day’ just going into the portal? Or are we relocating to a new Glamos - probably, because that’s all that’s left - and then when we’re in the new Glamos go through the portal. 

Tyrone/Cleary: No, no, no, no. So, the Moving Day squad, they’re going to get the five rocks. They're going to go through the portal, and they’re going to do the ritual to move the entire city through the portal.

Rosie/Lucille: Why not do that today rather than fight?

Tyrone/Cleary: Because we still have citizens out on the field.  

Rosie/Lucille: Just tell them to come back real quick.

Jorja/Magnolia: I believe that’s been done.  

Steven/Noah: We’re buying them the time to do that.

Rosie/Lucille: “Alright, that makes sense.” I was like, we could bypass all of this and have a happy ending.   

Jorja/Magnolia: Game over.

Steven/Noah: And just a few dead citizens.

Jorja/Magnolia: Hey, who needs them? They weren’t named.  

Rosie/Lucille: When playing chess, sacrifices have to be made. 

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Onyx will fly into the room. Doors will burst open. Be like:

Tyrone/Onyx: I have the report on their movements.

Jorja/Magnolia: Go on.

Tyrone/Onyx: It seems that the earliest ones will be here roughly at dawn. Early dawn - approximately nine A.M.  

Jorja/Magnolia: And the early ones are which ones?

Tyrone/Onyx: So, the mammal, the serpent, the insects, and the lightning will be here approximately at nine, maybe eight-thirty.  

Jorja/Magnolia: And the tree?

Tyrone/Onyx: Just a little bit behind that because it was further away, so it will be closer to nine-thirty/ten o’clock.

Jorja/Magnolia: Alright, and what is the time now? 

Tyrone/Onyx: Looking at mid to late afternoon currently. Looking at the sun in the sky, it is approximately three-thirty/four o’clock. So, we have just over twelve hours.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay.

Steven/Noah: That’s a long rest.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes it is.

Tyrone/Onyx: I do recommend taking a long rest before battle. The Perimeter Watch will be looking over the city in the meantime. We’ll be on full alert.

Steven/Noah: While I appreciate you giving us the time to rest, I’m actually feeling pretty good. Is there anything that I can be doing during the night while everyone is preparing? Because I’m happy to help out. 

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: I’m so glad you asked. 

Steven/Noah: ‘No. Fuck off and go to bed.’  

Tyrone/Oberon: First and foremost, this will be the last time we’ll see you, and so I suggest getting any affairs in order, saying your goodbyes to anyone that you like. Getting your goodbyes in order. Getting any equipment that you need on your person ready to move out.

Steven/Noah: Can I - just because we’re in a room full of cool people (leaders and such) - can I just hold up my shield and be like, “Has anyone got a better one than this?”

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: The City Watch will hold up their fossil shields similar to the one that Magnolia currently has, I believe. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Fossilised leaf shield it is. Be like:

Tyrone/Ayanna: I think yours is better, to be honest.

Steven/Noah: Balls.

Tyrone/Ayanna: What’s wrong with that one? That one looks quite sturdy.

Steven/Noah: Oh, it’s very good, but if there was a better one I’d take it.

Tyrone/Ayanna: Is that your family crest on the front?

Steven/Noah: Sure.

Tyrone/Lumen: Everyone understands the plan?  

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes sir.

Olive/Timmit: Um, yes. Yeah, yeah. 

Tyrone/Oberon: Then, meeting dismissed. Be ready for dawn.

Steven/Noah: Then I’m going to bed then as I was given no jobs. 

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Cleary’s going to come up to the four of us and be like:

Tyrone/Cleary: *whispering* I’ve got you guys a little gift. Something that can help you out.

Rosie/Lucille: Little treaties?

Tyrone/Cleary: So, you remember those chaos mushrooms that you got me?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes?

Olive/Timmit: Yes?

Steven/Noah: In episode four? I don’t know what episode it was. It was a random guess.

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: You gave them to her in episode ten. 

Steven/Noah: Dammit!

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: She’s going to hand you a capsule each. 

Rosie/Lucille: Ooo, we’re having some fun. 

Steven/Noah: Let’s drop acid, baby.

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Not a capsule, like a flask-type situation. 

Olive/Timmit: Ooo, a flask. Even better!

Jorja/Magnolia: Brewskies!

Tyrone/Cleary: I made these out of the mushrooms, so you’re going to throw them at whatever you want and random stuff happens.

Rosie/Lucille: Like what?

Tyrone/Cleary: Like turning people blue.

Rosie/Lucille: That’s fun, maybe I’ll throw one at Noah. Round two, let’s go.

Jorja/Magnolia: Do it. I need a second vial of Noah blue.  

Steven/Noah: I forgot you still have that. 

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Creepy. Everybody add ‘chaos bomb’ to your inventory.

Rosie/Lucille: Love it.

Jorja/Magnolia: Chaos bomb? Thanks Cleary.

Tyrone/Cleary: Anytime. What are you doing until dawn?

Jorja/Magnolia: I should check on Dave and Cheryl and the kids. 

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Is there anything anyone would like to do? Anyone you’d like to go talk to before you never see them again?

Steven/Noah: I haven’t made friends with any locals.

Jorja/Magnolia: Bye Noah.

Olive/Timmit: I will go and speak with Thaumus.  

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Ooo.

Jorja/Magnolia: Ooo, someone’s having a fun night. 

Steven/Noah: Bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk.

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Alright, you’re going to head up to Thaumus’s tower? 

Olive/Timmit: Yeah.

Tyrone/Thaumus: Hello.

Olive/Timmit: Hi. Hi Thaumus. How’re you doing? 

Tyrone/Thaumus: I’m doing alright. Those spells today took it a little bit out of me, but I’m having some revitalising dandelion tea. 

Olive/Timmit: Oh lovely, well I won’t take up too much of your time then. I just wanted to thank you for all of your help whilst I’ve been here. Tomorrow is going to be a big day, and I don’t know what’s going to happen, so I just wanted you to know that I’m very appreciative of you taking the time with me. 

Tyrone/Thaumus: Anytime. Anytime at all. I don’t take on a lot of students actually, so it was quite a privilege to be able to do that again for somebody, and I really appreciate you helping me with those crystals today.

Olive/Timmit: My pleasure. I was just hoping that maybe, possibly, if you’re not too exhausted from the day, that there could be one final lesson you could impart upon me?

Tyrone/Thaumus: I should have time for a rest after, so yeah. Why not? For old times sake.  

Olive/Timmit: Great. Alright, well I kind of have to fight a tree tomorrow.

Tyrone/Thaumus: Yes, I wish I could help you fight, but I do need to lead the Moving Day squad through the portal.

Olive/Timmit: No, of course, of course. I just need- I feel strange asking this, but I need something that will pack a wallop.  

Tyrone/Thaumus: Did you have something in mind?

Olive/Timmit: Something, yeah. What if you could take fire and throw it like a bomb? 

Tyrone/Thaumus: Like the fireball that I was doing earlier today?

Olive/Timmit: Yeah.

Tyrone/Thaumus: You really do like your fire, don’t you? 

Olive/Timmit: I do, I love fire.

Tyrone/Thaumus: Alrighty, well where can we go? Possibly let’s take a fly over Glamos for a moment, if that’s alright.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, I couldn’t think of any better spot.

Tyrone/Thaumus: We shouldn’t cause any issues there. Most of the people should be inside the city, and burning Glamos doesn’t do anything anyway. 

Olive/Timmit: Wonderful. How good. Well, not good. Not great.

Tyrone/Thaumus: No. Not very good, no. Alright, we’ll head out. I assume you have to do your ‘Go, go, go’ thing. 

Olive/Timmit: Go, go, go!

Tyrone/Thaumus: Alrighty, so Fireball. We’re just going to aim at the grass here. Not anywhere near the citizens, okay?

Olive/Timmit: No, of course, of course. I wouldn’t burn the citizens. I don’t ride any dragons. They’re terrifying.

Tyrone/Thaumus: It was rather terrifying last time. Anyway, and a one, and a two, and a fireball!

[fire gush SFX]

Olive/Timmit: Wow, you’re really serious about these fireballs.     

Tyrone/Thaumus: You’ve got to draw out the passion from yourself, darling. Draw out the burning passion.

Olive/Timmit: The passion you say? Okay, alright, alright. Can I try it?

Tyrone/Thaumus: That’s what we’re here for. 

Olive/Timmit: “Alright.” Timmit will think about it, and he’ll focus, and then he’ll go back and he’ll go, “Fireball!”

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Roll the arcana check.

*dice rolls*

Steven/Noah: Does he have advantage because we’re sitting in Glamos right now? So much magic around, you know? I feel like he would feel more.

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Yes. You can have advantage on this roll due to the magical-

Olive/Timmit: Woop, woop! Thank you, team play. 

*dice rolls*

Olive/Timmit: Absolute legend. Twenty-three. 

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Twenty-three. Something else about this actually is because you’re Glamos you have the choice of increasing the potency of the spell in one way. You can pick the damage. You can pick the range. You can pick the casting time, so you cast it quicker, or you can increase the area of effect. 

Olive/Timmit: Oh fuck. Mmm, going up against a tree. Let’s say range.

Jorja/Magnolia: So, does it change the range or the area of effect?

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: One or the other.

Jorja/Magnolia: Okay.

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: So, you can pick one of the aspects of it and it increases. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Ah.

Olive/Timmit: Is that just for this casting of the spell? Is that what that is referring to?

Steven/Noah: It’ll happen when you cast them while you’re in Glamos.

Olive/Timmit: Ah okay.

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: While you’re in Glamos, your spells will be enhanced in one way or another.

Rosie/Lucille: All of us?

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Yes.

Olive/Timmit: Cool. Damn, alright. Let’s have it expand the area width of effect. So, up to - what? Double it?

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Yep. 

Olive/Timmit: Forty feet then.

Jorja/Magnolia: Forty foot radius. 

Olive/Timmit: Yeah.

Steven/Noah: Bruh.

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: So, out of your hands will come… Describe it for me, sorry. I shouldn’t be describing your spells.

Olive/Timmit: It’ll start in the hands. It’ll pick up, and it’ll be this red searing flame that’ll dance between his fingers and his palms as he swirls it around trying to create this ball, and as it does he’ll pull the gavel and use it to stick the ball on. So, it’ll look like this giant lollipop, and he’ll swing it around, and he’ll throw it down, and the fireball will just splash a forty foot radius across all of Glamos. 

[fire gush SFX]

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Yeah, so you’re expecting this good sized Fireball, but manageable, but instead it exponentially comes out. Your gavel is struggling to make room for this lollipop.

Olive/Timmit: Jesus. Oh my god. That was insane.  

Tyrone/Thaumus: My my, it seems that you’ve come across the effects of magic in Glamos. It’s somewhat useful when fighting the Astroglamos, but the thing is that they get that as well, so it makes it an equal fight again.

Olive/Timmit: Oh great. That’s fantastic foreshadowing. 

Steven/Noah: Well done Thaumus.

Olive/Timmit: Well done. Alright.

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: I’m great at exposition.

Steven/Noah: It just happens so naturally.

Olive/Timmit: Well, thank you for teaching me that and for that very useful bit of information. 

Tyrone/Thaumus: Good luck fighting that tree.

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: And she’s pointing off in the distance.  

Olive/Timmit: Thanks, I’m glad it’s a tree and not some other weird hedonistic creature. 

Steven/Noah: Pointing at the walking tree. 

Tyrone/Thaumus: You really need to get over this fear darling. 

Olive/Timmit: I know, but not for today. Maybe tomorrow. Who knows? But not today. 

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: And by the end of this conversation all of the fire you caused in the reeds you can see has fizzled out and it’s as if the fire was never there at all, and we fade out of the scene.

[magic ringing SFX] 

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: And head back into, I believe, the king’s tea room is what’s been whispered into my ears.  

Rosie/Lucille: Yes. Yes, I am wanting to speak to the king. Is the king there?

Tyrone/Oberon: Come in. 

Rosie/Lucille: My darling king, how are you?  

Tyrone/Oberon: Frankly, Lucille, not great. No. I don’t think there’s ever been a point in our history where we’ve had five Astroglamos on our doorsteps.

Rosie/Lucille: No, I can imagine it would be quite stressful. Not like the calming space of a goat farm. I just wanted to put it out there one more time. If you ever wanted to live somewhere that wasn’t, you know, here- I mean, I know you’re moving, but anyway. The point is, do you want to come and live with me on the goat farm? I’m just going to ask it straight up.

Tyrone/Oberon: You’ve never had any problem being quite so forward, Lucille. As enticing and relaxing as that does sound, I can’t leave my people behind. Especially not in a moment where there could be war.

Rosie/Lucille: No, you know, we’ll fix all of this and then you’ll come live with me. 

Tyrone/Oberon: And where will you be in the meantime?

Rosie/Lucille: We’ll be there together. What do you mean?

Tyrone/Oberon: If I have to fix a war, are you going to wait for me on the goat farm, is that it?

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, we can do it quickly, it’s alright. We’ll do it before the morning.

Tyrone/Oberon: Together? So you’ll be coming with me to Atrius, will you?

Rosie/Lucille: No, no, no. Separately, separately. Then we’ll meet at the goat farm.

Tyrone/Oberon: I won’t have another orrery to use, so I will not have a way back to you once I go home.

Rosie/Lucille: “You’re a smart man. You’ll figure it out,” and I'm just going to cut off a little bit of my goat cloak. Wait, does that ruin the magic? 

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Na, it’s just flavour.

Rosie/Lucille: I’m going to cut off a little bit of my goat cloak, and I’m going to tuck it in behind his ear. Just to give him a little something to remember me by. “Now king, you’re going to keep this, and whenever you look at it you’re going to think of me, and one day you’re going to come to my goat farm.”

Tyrone/Oberon: Alright, I-

Rosie/Lucille: “Yes, that’s a yes. Alright, I’ll see you there. I’ll be ready. I’ll have some scones made and we’re going to have an absolutely fabulous time. Bye king. I’ll see you soon,” and Lucille is walking out before he can say another word.  

Olive/Timmit: The premise that Lucille Van Goat went from the crazy goat lady whose husband left her to having disappeared for god knows how long and being like, ‘*high pitched voice* The mystical fairy king is waiting for me. He’s waiting. He’s coming for me! I’m waiting for him, I promise! He’ll be here’ *regular* What the fuck?

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Jesus Christ. Well that conversation ended without my choice, so…

Steven/Noah: Noah’s just in the background with a tea.

Jorja/Magnolia: Why was this on the public radio? 

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Why were you in there having tea?

Steven/Noah: I was having tea with the king. 

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille just didn’t see Noah there.

Steven/Noah: You didn’t notice. 

Jorja/Magnolia: The king didn’t know you were there either.

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Okay, did you want to play that out? You and the king?

Steven/Noah: No, I don’t want to be anywhere near that.

Jorja/Magnolia: Please cut that.

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Magnolia.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes?

[magical ringing SFX]

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Where are you?

Jorja/Magnolia: I’m going to go back to Dave and Cheryl and the kids. 

Tabletopped Ad Read: Welcome to Tabletopped. My name is Nick, and I think that fudging dice rolls is totally okay. Hey it’s me, Franco, and rolling for initiative sucks. I’m Daniel, and I think you should modify your first level characters as much as you want, and I’m Shade, and if your TTRPG hasn’t evolved into a LARP, you’ve done it wrong, and we all host Tabletopped - a TTRPG podcast about all things games and storytelling. - and sometimes we have game designers, professional researchers, and even the occasional owlbear. If this interests you, listen to Tabletopped every Monday wherever you get your podcasts. Tabletopped is a proud member of the Helios Network. 

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: The sale is still definitely going on but the bulk of it has finished.  

Jorja/Magnolia: How did you guys go?

Tyrone/Cheryl: Well, we’re still going you see, but we’re pretty much out of cabbages, no thanks to… No, thank you. Sorry, just a bit agitated.

Jorja/Magnolia: That’s alright. It’s a stressful time, I understand.

Tyrone/Cheryl: Did you do everything that you needed to do?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, I think it’s all figured out. All you have to concentrate on is Moving Day tomorrow.

Tyrone/Cheryl: Yep, got to get all the kids lined up.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, do you need any help? Is there anything I can do tonight?

Tyrone/Cheryl: Do you want to have dinner with us?

Jorja/Magnolia: Sure, I’d love to.

Tyrone/Cheryl: We’re making cabbage stew. 

Jorja/Magnolia: *dry retches* Sounds delicious!

Tyrone/Cheryl: We’ll cook for you. It would be our honour, Magnolia. Thank you for everything.

Jorja/Magnolia: That’s alright guys, thank you.

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: You’re going to get led to an apartment block, kind of run down a little bit. It’s a three bedroom with five kids in it. There’s fairy kids ranging from two through to fifteen.

Jorja/Magnolia: Ah, the best age.

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Kids are running around like crazy, flying up in the air, being like:

Tyrone/Child: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. I’ve never seen this rabbit up so close. Hi!

Jorja/Magnolia: “Hello.” I’m going to do that thing where you rile up someone else’s kids, but I’m going to make them fly around. You know, it’s like: “I’ll time how fast you can get from the kitchen to the lounge room.” Just tire them out. That will be the whole night.      

Tyrone/Child: How do your ears work? Why are they so long?

Jorja/Magnolia: It’s so I can hear better.

Tyrone/Child: *whispering* Can you hear this? 

Jorja/Magnolia: I hear everything.

Tyrone/Child: *whispering* Okay, what am I saying now? 

Jorja/Magnolia: *whispering* You’re saying, ‘What am I saying now?’

Tyrone/Child: *whispering* I love you Magnolia.

Jorja/Magnolia: *whispering* I love you too.

Steven/Noah: What the fuck is happening?

Jorja/Magnolia: Lore, bitch.

Steven/Noah: We’re generating lore.

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: It cuts to dinner time after you finish playing with the kids and tiring them out. Cabbage stew.

Jorja/Magnolia: Delicious. 

Steven/Noah: Roll a constitution. How well do you take that?     

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Magnolia: Really well.

Steven/Noah: Nice.

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Nice.

Jorja/Magnolia: Best meal I’ve ever eaten. 

Tyrone/Cheryl: So Magnolia, what’s your home like? You still with the parents, or…?  

Jorja/Magnolia: No, I live in student housing, so it’s even smaller than this, but I have a little greenhouse and I can look after all my plants, which might be dead, but I’ll bring them back. It’s fine. 

Tyrone/Cheryl: I’m sure someone would have watered them for you. You know, when I’m sick,Dave, he looks after the plants.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, he’s a good one, isn’t he? 

Tyrone/Cheryl: He’s alright, I guess. He goes alright. 

Jorja/Magnolia: He’s alright, but he’s mine and he’s what I got.

Tyrone/Cheryl: Have you got yourself a Dave or anyone?

Jorja/Magnolia: No, no Dave. No anyone.

Tyrone/Cheryl: No? You’re a really talented young woman. I’m sure you’ll find somebody. 

Jorja/Magnolia: “Thanks love.” Magnolia is going to sit there super awkwardly. Like, ‘Okay,’ and just reflect slightly.      

Olive/Timmit: I wasn’t expecting to have dinner with my parents tonight. Damn. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Shit.

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Anything you want to talk about?

Jorja/Magnolia: No. I think when she finishes dinner she’ll help put all the kids to bed and she’ll also help wash up all the dishes.

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Aww.

Jorja/Magnolia: And she will leave one of the flowers that she’s found along her travels in a little vase somewhere, and just walk back to the castle and knock on Cleary’s door.

[door knock]   

Tyrone/Cleary: Ah, come in?

Jorja/Magnolia: Hi.  

Steven/Noah: I’m definitely in the corner of this room.

[laughter]

Jorja/Magnolia: You’ve got tea. Just legs crossed like, *sips*

Steven/Noah: ‘Magnolia, what brings you here?’

Jorja/Magnolia: And I’m like, ‘‘kay, bye!’

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Noah’s waiting like, ‘She’ll come here eventually.’ 

Jorja/Magnolia: He’s sitting outside the door like, ‘Knew it!’ Walks off. 

Steven/Noah: ‘Called it! I can sleep now.’

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Just to clarify, Noah’s not there?

Steven/Noah: I’m in the background of everyone’s. I was there when you were learning Fireball. I was there when she was talking to the king, and now I’m here when you’re about to…

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: You were in Dave and Cheryl’s apartment.

Steven/Noah: I was outside the window, *heaving breathing.*

Jorja/Magnolia: You were listening and telling me what they were saying because I couldn’t actually hear them. 

Tyrone/Cleary: Oh, how’s it going?

Jorja/Magnolia: Good, I just went and had a beautiful dinner with Dave and Cheryl. Do you know them?

Tyrone/Cleary: I’ve seen them around a little bit. I don’t get my hands too dirty at the fields, but they’re lovely people. I see them in the market every now and then. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah they are. They just made me dinner. I just wanted to swing by and see how you were going. See if you need help with anything before tomorrow.

Tyrone/Cleary: I don’t think so. I think I’m just getting myself stressed over the orrery and making sure it’s working because, you know, it’s failed already, so what if this one fails, you know?

Jorja/Magnolia: No, don’t stress about it. You’ll be fine. 

Tyrone/Cleary: What if we’re stuck here and all the Astroglamos swallow us?

Jorja/Magnolia: Well then, we’re stuck here too, so we’re here to help.

Steven/Noah: And I helped too, so *sips* the orrery is perfect. 

Olive/Timmit: ‘Noah! Get to bed! You’re ruining a magical moment! I mean, you’ve got to get your sleepy times in!’

Jorja/Magnolia: ‘It’s past your bedtime!’

Steven/Noah: ‘You’re not my dad!’ Just to reiterate, Noah is not there. 

Tyrone/Cleary: That is very comforting to know. Do you still have that sending stone?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, of course.

Tyrone/Cleary: Then we’ll be fine. We can still talk to each other anyway.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, of course.

Tyrone/Cleary: So…

Steven/Noah: ‘Here we are, in the moonlight’

Jorja/Magnolia: ‘So, we’re alone together.’

Tyrone/Cleary: It sounds like you’ve already had dinner… I maybe have some more of those bubbles.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah.   

Tyrone/Cleary: I don’t know if that’s wise before a battle.

Jorja/Magnolia: I mean, just a little bit.

Tyrone/Cleary: Just one glass. Yeah, just one glass. Did you want to talk about anything in particular?

Jorja/Magnolia: No, not really. I mean, I’m just a bit stressed about tomorrow, and a little bit worried, so I just wanted to fill my time with people so I don’t think about it too much. 

Tyrone/Cleary: The bubbles will help, yeah.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, yeah, yeah. 

Steven/Noah: Telepathically…

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: From where!? You have to be within sixty feet. 

Steven/Noah: I’m outside the window.

[laughter]

Olive/Timmit: I knew it, he was there!

Steven/Noah: Telepathically to Magnolia, I’m just going to be like, ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah. You’re doing great. Well done. Maybe just say that your shoulders are a bit tense as you’re worried about tomorrow.’

Tyrone/Cleary: We should probably get to bed soon, I guess, as we’ve got to rest up for a big fight.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, that is true. 

Rosie/Lucille: *whispering* Get in their bed. It’s a hint.

Steven/Noah: I didn’t know you had telepathy. What are you doing on this channel?

[laughter]

Jorja/Magnolia: Lucille’s whispering under the door. “Yeah, yeah. That’s a good idea. I’ll go rest.”

Tyrone/Cleary: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ll go rest up too. I need to stop stressing so much.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah. 

Tyrone/Cleary: I hope you enjoyed the bubbles.

Jorja/Magnolia: I did. Thank you so much.

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Good god, you can cut the fucking tension with a knife. Back in your room, you’ll just hear through the sending stone:

Tyrone/Cleary: [radio] Thanks for coming to visit. It really helped calm my nerves. See you in the morning.

Jorja/Magnolia: [radio] That’s okay, anytime. See you in the morning.

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Noah, I know you’ve been inserting yourself into everybody’s scenes, but what are you doing?

Jorja/Magnolia: Exactly that.

Steven/Noah: I’ve been everywhere. 

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Good lord.

Steven/Noah: I mean, I don’t know. I don’t really care for anyone. I’m just being honest.

Rosie/Lucille: Is that why you’re stalking all of us?

Jorja/Magnolia: He’s just cleaning the windows. That’s why he’s in every window. 

Steven/Noah: I’m cleaning every single window. That was my job. Yeah, I don’t know. I don’t really have anything to do. I care not for these fairies. 

Jorja/Magnolia: You just cuddle Skittles all night.

Steven/Noah: Pretty much. He’s just going to sidle on into bed with Skittles and Beeyonce, and it’s going to be super mechanical but super cute. 

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Mechanical but super cute.  

Jorja/Magnolia: Polishing them.

Steven/Noah: Yeah, I’m going to be polishing them, and I’m going to have my multitool, and I’m going, “Wah!” It’s a spanner. Then, “Wah!” It’s a paintbrush, and just play with it.

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Wah!

Olive/Timmit: Wah!

Rosie/Lucille: Wah-rio!

Jorja/Magnolia: Just public channel, “[radio] Noah, shut up.”

Steven/Noah: Wah! Wah! That’s a WAP!

Olive/Timmit: Well, I mean, Timmit would have come back to the room early because after seeing Thaumus that would have been pretty much all he had to do, so he’ll come in and just be like, “Oh. Hey. I wouldn't have expected you to still be here. I thought you would have been out.” 

Steven/Noah: Wah.

Olive/Timmit: Oh wow, that is actually pretty cool. How does it do that?

Steven/Noah: I have no idea. 

Olive/Timmit: Shit. Do you think it’s still going to work when we get home?

Steven/Noah: Don’t know. I hope so.

Olive/Timmit: Me too, but also could you imagine having this power in our world?

Steven/Noah: Noah’s visions of what he could do. “No, that’s bad.”

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, I’m kind of worried about it a little bit, but I’m also not thinking about it too much because there’s so many variables and the most likely outcome is that we’ll die here, so…

Steven/Noah: Well, assuming we don’t die - which I really hope we don’t-

Olive/Timmit: Oh me too. I kind of want to live, you know?

Steven/Noah: I mean, we lived human lives and we weren’t magical then, so I assume we’ll just revert back to what we were before.

Olive/Timmit: Maybe. Maybe.

Steven/Noah: Damn, that was ominous.

Olive/Timmit: What? Oh, I just mean, you know-

Steven/Noah: I shall rule them all with an iron fist.

Olive/Timmit: If…no.

Steven/Noah: I mean, I could probably pass as a human. I’m just a short, stocky dude. 

Olive/Timmit: Oh, I mean, I would assume that we wouldn’t keep our forms because that would be a little awkward. I miss being tall.

Steven/Noah: You miss being tall?

Olive/Timmit: Yeah.

Steven/Noah: Mate.

Olive/Timmit: We’re the same height.

Steven/Noah: Just two short kings.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, just two short- How tall were you before this? 

Steven/Noah: Oh, about six two.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, I’m about… Oh god, I can’t remember how tall I was. I think I’m about six one, yeah.

Steven/Noah: I was a tall, lanky lad. 

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille bursts into the room. “What a magical night! The king’s coming to my goat farm and he’s going to live with me. He basically said it.”

Olive/Timmit: Basically?

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah.

Olive/Timmit: How basic?

Rosie/Lucille: Like he said, ‘I might see you there.’ or something along those words.

Steven/Noah: I would do an insight check, but she genuinely believes that.

Rosie/Lucille: The king’s going to be there, and you can all visit and we’ll have tea. I said I’m going to make scones, and he said, ‘How splendid. I’ll be there.’ Exactly that.

Steven/Noah: Wow, that’s great.

Olive/Timmit: You know what Lucille? That actually sounds really lovely.

Rosie/Lucille: Thank you very much. I’m quite thrilled and I wanted to share it with you all. 

Olive/Timmit: I’m sure the king would like your goat farm.

Rosie/Lucille: Oh yes, that’s what I told him. He agreed with me splendidly. Yeah, not a doubt in my mind that he’ll be there, so anyway. Chop chop to it. Let’s win.  

Jorja/Magnolia: Magnolia walks through the door.

Steven/Noah: What are you doing here? You’re not supposed to be here.

Olive/Timmit: What the fuck? I thought you- Hi!

Jorja/Magnolia: Huh?

Olive/Timmit: What? 

Jorja/Magnolia: What?

Olive/Timmit: I just thought that you wouldn’t be coming back here. Okay, hi.

Jorja/Magnolia: Why not?   

Olive/Timmit: Oh, you know, it’s our last night, and… Nothing! What’s up?

Steven/Noah: Noah gives two gold pieces to Timmit.

[laughter]

Steven/Noah: I bet that she chickened out. Wait, no. No, I bet that she sealed the deal. She didn’t. 

Jorja/Magnolia: You don’t know.

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: This might be the final moment we all get to talk properly before we’re in a battle and then we go home and then we probably go our separate ways.

Rosie/Lucille: Well, I wanted to tell you you can all live on the goat farm with me and the king if you want. If you fancy.

Steven/Noah: Thank you so much.

Jorja/Magnolia: That’s such a kind offer. Thank you Lucille.

Olive/Timmit: I kind of have my own thing going back home.

Rosie/Lucille: Excuse me Timmit! 

Olive/Timmit: I’m just kidding! I appreciate the offer Lucille. Thank you.

Jorja/Magnolia: *whispering* Rent sucks.

Rosie/Lucille: Thank you all, please come. Excuse me?

Jorja/Magnolia: I was saying, ‘Renting sucks.’

Rosie/Lucille: Exactly, yes, and I just like to be there for all you young folk. Although, I’m young now. Anyway, come to the goat farm. Yes, thank you all.

Olive/Timmit: ‘I’d just like to whatever I can for you youths.’

Jorja/Magnolia: Youths.

Olive/Timmit: Youths.

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Yuu. [in the style of Crank That (Soulja Boy) by Soulja Boy]

Jorja/Magnolia: Soulja Boy, up in it. [in the style of Crank That (Soulja Boy) by Soulja Boy]

Olive/Timmit: Soulja Boy. [in the style of Crank That (Soulja Boy) by Soulja Boy]

Rosie/Lucille: Do you guys think I’ll stay young?

Jorja/Magnolia: I think in spirit.

Rosie/Lucille: I’ll accept it. I’ll take that. Yeah, that’s a win.

Steven/Noah: Yes, because her spirit is so young. 

Rosie/Lucille: Lucille doesn’t hear that because she’s deaf.

Steven/Noah: That was telepathic. 

Olive/Timmit: Do you think that those voices will leave you when you leave here?

Rosie/Lucille: You see, I haven’t actually heard that voice for a while. So I think that I’ve gotten rid of it because it was definitely not me. It was a man in my head.

Olive/Timmit: Interesting.

Steven/Noah: Telepathically, back to these two, I’m just going to say, “Look, I haven’t used it for a while. I will reserve it in case of an emergency tomorrow when shit hits the fan.”

Olive/Timmit: Maybe just be extra vigilant Lucille. Just in case it’s still there but you can’t quite hear it. Just until we’ve left.  

Rosie/Lucille: What does that mean?

Jorja/Magnolia: Maybe you’ve been doing really well and doing good stuff that it hasn’t felt the need to come up.

Olive/Timmit: Exactly. 

Rosie/Lucille: So, you’re saying I’m an excellent person?

Steven/Noah: Exactly. 

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, alright. Well, thank you very much good sir and madam and all the good folks here. 

Olive/Timmit: So, what’s actually the plan for tomorrow? We’re fighting a tree, right?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, you wanted to set it on fire.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, did you get a good look at the tree?

Jorja/Magnolia: No, it was too far away.

Olive/Timmit: Well, if fire fails what’s our backup plan? Because that’s all that I’ve got.

Rosie/Lucille: Walking stick.

Olive/Timmit: Back backup plan?

Rosie/Lucille: Magic Missile wand. 

Olive/Timmit: Backpack back plan? 

Rosie/Lucille: Acid Stream.

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: You’re just listing spells you have.

Rosie/Lucille: Yeah, those are all my plans.    

Olive/Timmit: Backup backpack back backup plan?

Jorja/Magnolia: Sword.

Olive/Timmit: That’s good.

Steven/Noah: And my sword. Second. 

Olive/Timmit: Third.

Rosie/Lucille: Walking stick.

Jorja/Magnolia: And my axe! 

Steven/Noah: ‘And my axe.’

Olive/Timmit: And my fire.     

Jorja/Magnolia: If you’re getting hurt from spell damage, come close to me and I can help, and if anyone is in particular trouble then I can probably help as well.

Olive/Timmit: Do you think that a tree will have magic? I mean, I guess it’s probably a magical tree. 

Jorja/Magnolia: It’s a walking tree.

Olive/Timmit: Well, we don’t know that it’s walking. 

Jorja/Magnolia: It’s a moving tree.

Rosie/Lucille: And it’s fairy land. 

Olive/Timmit: That’s fair. Very good point Lucille. 

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Does anyone have any final remarks to each other before bedtime, or just bedtime?

Steven/Noah: Goodnight.

Rosie/Lucille: Goodnight.

Jorja/Magnolia: Goodnight.

Olive/Timmit: Sleep well.

Jorja/Magnolia: “You too.” I’m going to go to sleep next to Lucille.

Rosie/Lucille: Aww, hey Magnolia.

Jorja/Magnolia: Hello.

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: You do have your own rooms.

Jorja/Magnolia: Not for a final fight. We could all die tomorrow.

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Bunker buddies

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, Noah probably leaves. 

Steven/Noah: Yeah, I’m going to my own bedroom. Goodbye.

Olive/Timmit: I also follow out the door.

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Day breaks. Like a Lion King situation. 

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster + Rosie/Lucille + Jorja/Magnolia: Poorly sings the opening to Circle of Life from The Lion King. 

Rosie/Lucille: *screams* Ahhh!

[laughter] 

Olive/Timmit: That’s how Lucille wakes up.

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Screaming.

Steven/Noah: That’s how she wakes up every day. *screams*

Rosie/Lucille: She remembers about her husband and it all comes flooding back. 

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: It’s dawn. Good morning everyone.

Jorja/Magnolia: Good morning.

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: It’s actually Cleary. Cleary’s going down as she usually does, going:

[extended door knocks]

Rosie/Lucille: Ah!

Tyrone/Cleary: And good morning to you too Lucille.

Rosie/Lucille: Morning.

Jorja/Magnolia: Morning.

Olive/Timmit: *frazzled* Good morning.  

Tyrone/Cleary: The beasts are almost upon us. We have a couple of hours to get ready. Get your things and meet me on the wall, I suppose. 

Rosie/Lucille: I do actually have a legitimate question that I forgot to ask earlier. 

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Okay.

Rosie/Lucille: So, my Magic Missiles wand, does that use spell slots?

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: No.

Rosie/Lucille: No? 

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Because it has its own charges that it gets back daily at dawn. 

Rosie/Lucille: Oh, yeah, yeah, at dawn, yeah.

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: But it’s not your spell slots. 

Rosie/Lucille: Oh okay, cool, lovely, cool, awesome. Back to the program.

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Back to your regularly scheduled program. 

Tyrone/Cleary: Yep, meet me at the wall.

Olive/Timmit: Da.

Rosie/Lucille: Ah ha. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yes.

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: It’s dawn and the creatures have been moving all through the night, so they are definitely a lot closer now and we can get a better look at them. This mammal that we’ve been talking about looks mighty, mighty familiar to everyone except for Timmit, sorry. You don’t recognise this.

Olive/Timmit: I’m not looking at it.

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Just averting your eyes? 

Olive/Timmit: I’m just staring at the tree.

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: The mammal appears to be very similar to the buffalo. The fiery buffalo with fire in its eyes and shot laser cannons at you through its horns. 

Steven/Noah: How’s its self-esteem? 

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Low. Buffa-low.

Rosie/Lucille: Brilliant.

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: This serpent that we were looking at before appears a bit less scaly, a bit less like a snake and perhaps a bit more like an eel. A blue eel.

Rosie/Lucille: Ooo.

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: The insect swarm does appear, in fact, to be a large swarm of bees. Thousands and thousands and thousands of bees.

Steven/Noah: You’ve lost Noah. He’s gone.

Rosie/Lucille: Pollinate the flowers bees. Go forth.

Jorja/Magnolia: Once we’re done with the tree we’ll get a big jar and grab them all.

Olive/Timmit: You could send Beeyonce to infiltrate the bees.

Steven/Noah: All of a sudden all the bees start going, woah oh oh [to the tune of Single Ladies by Beyonce] 

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: The lightning storm, as it gets closer, starts to take shape a little bit better, and it almost appears like a biblically accurate angel type vibe. Like, this big sun and all of these wings coming out of it in every direction.

Rosie/Lucille: Yes! 

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: And this tree does appear to be made of wood, not metal, and does appear to have foliage similar to the Kingsgrove. A nice pink foliage.

Steven/Noah: Smells flammable.

Olive/Timmit: Everything’s coming up Milhouse.

Jorja/Magnolia: Who?

Olive/Timmit: Please tell me you’re joking.

Jorja/Magnolia: What are you talking about?

Olive/Timmit: Milhouse.

Jorja/Magnolia: What?

Olive/Timmit: From The Simpsons?

Jorja/Magnolia: This whole conversation I’ve been slowly turning around so I can duck and Timmit’s looking at the mammal. 

Olive/Timmit: You know The Simpsons? You know Milhouse from The Simpsons?  

Jorja/Magnolia: “Oh!” Duck. 

*retching* 

Olive/Timmit: No, I’ll see the fire and it’ll catch my attention for a second and I’ll realise what it is, and there’s a confliction in Timmit’s eyes that he’s never seen before. It’s that he so desperately wants to stare at it, but at the same time his eyes are just burning with fear. *sounds of confusion and disgust*

Steven/Noah: This is rather fascinating to watch.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, I wanted to see what would happen. Yeah.

Olive/Timmit: I think I’m going to pass out.

Rosie/Lucille: Well, if you do so, do it gracefully dear. 

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, thanks Lucille. Cheers.

Steven/Noah: Yes, you’ve got what? Four hit points?

[laughter]

Olive/Timmit: Five, thank you, I will not have my constitution… Yep. I’ve lost all words. Alright, are we doing this thing now that I feel queasy?

Tyrone/Dungeon MAster: Lumen, the captain of the defence squad, is going to be taking charge of everyone. Ordering around where the Perimeter Watch should go, where everyone else should be ready to fly out.

Tyrone/Lumen: Alright, fall out. King. Your kingliness and the Kingsguard, fly towards that eel snake thing. Thank you. Alright, perimeter Watch, if you could please head towards the buffalo over in that direction. We’ve heard reports that it will shoot lightning at you, so please be careful about that.

Jorja/Magnolia: It will. It sucks.

Steven/Noah: Comment on its self-esteem. It’s its weakness. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Don’t touch it either.

Tyrone/Lumen: We have heard that as well. It is hot to the touch.

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah, I think if you’re just close to it when you hit it as well, so watch out.

Tyrone/Lumen: Speaking from experience? 

Jorja/Magnolia: No.

Tyrone/Lumen: Alright, the engineering department, I’m sure between all of your magical cannons, if you suit up now I’m sure you can deal with that lightning storm in some way or another. And that leaves the City Watch. Ayanna, I’m sure I can trust you to lead them. The insects, they’re just insects so I’m sure you can deal with it perfectly. I trust you and your years of training. Alright, Cleary, Thaumus, Moving Day squad and co.

Olive/Timmit: Yeah, that’s us.

Jorja/Magnolia: Oi oi.

Steven/Noah: ‘And co.’

Jorja/Magnolia: We are co.    

Tyrone/Lumen: Be ready.

Olive/Timmit: Bee ready.  

Tyrone/Lumen: Stay in communications on the public radio so you can alert everyone when they can enter the portal. Of course we’re moving the city, so everyone out in combat won’t be teleported and they’ll have to fly through the portal after. Make sense?

Olive/Timmit: Okay, yep.

Steven/Noah: Where is the portal being situated?

Jorja/Magnolia: I assume in the middle of the city. 

Tyrone/Lumen: The portal will be with CLeary and you guys so there is some level of protection for the Moving Day squad.

Steven/Noah: Stunning. 

Olive/Timmit: Alright, shall we do this?

Tyrone/Dungeon Master + Rosie/Lucille + Olive Timmit: *sings the opening tune to The Final Countdown by Europe*   

Jorja/Magnolia: Just on the public channel:

Steven/Noah: Jamming out.

Jorja/Magnolia + Steven/Noah: Mmmbop, ba duba dop Ba du bop, ba duba dop. [To the tune of MmmBop by Hanson]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Heading out to the big tree?

Jorja/Magnolia: Yeah.

Rosie/Lucille: Big tree.

Olive/Timmit: Big tree! Big tree! 

Tyrone/Cleary: Alright, so I think that we should get set up here in this patch here that’s a good distance away from it, so I can stay close and help if needed but far enough away that I’m not going to get attacked, Sound good?

Jorja/Magnolia: Sounds good.

Steven/Noah: “Yep.” I’m going to slip her a bit of paper. “There’s the coordinates for you,” and I’ll slip her another bit of paper. “And there’s the coordinates for us.”

Tyrone/Cleary: Okay, you should hold onto the one for you.

Steven/Noah: I should keep this one for us.

Olive/Timmit: Don’t get those two mixed up!

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  Whoops! Switcheroo! 

Steven/Noah: Lol, you’re all in Melbourne. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Noah, I’ve never felt safer. 

Steven/Noah: Wouldn’t that be the master prank of the century? 

Tyrone/Cleary: Alright, the X axis, the Y axis, the Z axis, and the time axis. 

Jorja/Magnolia: Yep.

Olive/Timmit: Fire that puppy up. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  She presses the on button as the sun in the centre, and yeah, probably a nice fairy-shaped- Not fairy-shaped but fairy-sized.

[humming portal SFX]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  You’ll recognise the purple you remember from your memories.

Steven/Noah: *dry retches* I was going to say, Noah was conscious for two minutes and then he was like: *visual gag of passing out*

Jorja/Magnolia: Magnolia was drunk and thought she was just spinning out.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  And Thaumus is like:

Alright everyone, quickly now, quickly now, let’s go through.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  And Thaumus and five Moving Day squad fairies fly through with a rock in each.  

Tyrone/Cleary: Alright, defend me.

Olive/Timmit: With our lives, I guess.

Rosie/Lucille: I’m saving my life for the king. We’re going to survive this team.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  You can see that all around you combat has started. You look around and see the Perimeter Watch, they’re there with all their bow and arrows shooting at the buffalo.

[energy charging, then releasing a laser cannon]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  You can see the City Watch and their clubs going towards the insects, figuring how best to fight them. 

Steven/Noah: They need flyswatters, not clubs. 

Olive/Timmit: What are they going to do with flyswatters?

Steven/Noah: Swat them?

Olive/Timmit: They’re bees. 

Steven/Noah: They double as bee swatters, also mosquito swatters. 

Olive/Timmit: Woah, three in one. That’s a sick deal. How much?

Steven/Noah: Two dollars.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  The engineering department, you can see these turrets at the top of the wall, and they shoot out these balls of lightning- Not lightning, because that would be bad against a lightning storm. A ball of fire towards it, and it explodes in the middle of it, and you can see this explosion.

[whistling missile, then explosion]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  And then you look over to the king with the serpent, and Illumen. He’s calling up the reeds themselves and they’re knotting and wrapping around the serpent.

[plants growing and crunching]

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  And Illumen is casting some sort of dark magic beam at it.  

Steven/Noah: Who knew they had necromancy?

Olive/Timmit: Are we still sure this is a good idea to be helping?

Steven/Noah: Are we sure these are the good guys? 

Olive/Timmit: Because I really still don’t know. 

Steven/Noah: Shut up, there’s a tree to fight.

Jorja/Magnolia: “We’ll be fine.” I’m going to cast Aid on these three, so you all get five temporary hit points. 

Rosie/Lucille: Thank you.

Steven/Noah: Mum!

Jorja/Magnolia: Oh, it’s maximum and current hit points, so it’s even better, so you can be healed up further.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  How long does that last?  

Jorja/Magnolia: Eight hours.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  Oh okay, you’ll be fine. You’ll be home by then or dead.

Jorja/Magnolia: Either one.

Olive/Timmit: Either or.  

Steven/Noah: I guess while we’re in the set-up phase, Noah is going to pull the multi-tool out of his pocket. It’s going to transform. It’s going to change into what looks like a spanner of some description, and he’s going to put it into the arm on his armour, and then his armour is going to transform into a mix between very steampunk - like gears and steam powered things and wires going everywhere - and that’s going to alter his get up.

Tyrone/Cleary: What the fuck is that Noah?  

Steven/Noah: I put my smith’s tools into my cloak. 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  And we turn to look at this tree which is a few hundred feet away from us standing as tall as the Kingsgrove, like twenty feet or more high. Thick trunk. Pink foliage. You can see now as it’s moving its tentacle like roots are crawling through the ground, tilling the earth as it moves through. And roll for initiative. 

[energetic electronic battle music rises sharply, overtaking the scene]

Theme Song: [rock music plays]

Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast

Tyrone/Dungeon Master: Thank you so much for listening to Portal Quandary. Portal Quandary is made possible by the following people: Myself, Tyrone Cross as Dungeon Master, Editing, and Community Manager, Steven Edwards as Noah, Olive Jerome as Timothy, Rosemary Ochtman as Lucille, and Jorja Odd as Magnolia. Elias Moffat is our Content Producer, Narrative Consultant, and Transcriber, and that theme song is Belly of the Beast by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas. We’re on the lookout for a couple of people to join our team as a Community Manager and as a Transcriber, so if that sounds like you, slide into our DMs or shoot us an email, and that email is portalquandary@gmail.com. We’re also on a bunch of social media now including Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, Threads, and Patreon, all of which are @PortalQuandary. And this podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people, and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders. 

Theme Song: [rock music continues]

Finding home in the belly of the beast, (in the belly of the beast), to make it home we can’t accept defeat, (there’s no turning back) so roll the dice and come along with me, (come along with me, let’s go), finding home in the belly of the beast.

Olive/Timmit: Metal burns too.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  Jet fuel doesn’t burn steel beams.

Jorja/Magnolia: It was an inside job. It’s the king! 

[laughter]

-

Jorja/Magnolia: ‘It leaves you open-’ All I can think of is Harry Potter. ‘Sacrifice himself!’

Steven/Noah: ‘Ron, Ron, no!’

Jorja/Magnolia: ‘What’s he doing?’

Steven/Noah: ‘He’s going to sacrifice himself!’ 

Rosie/Lucille: ‘He’s going to sacrifice himself.’

-

Olive/Timmit: Those reeds really be do something, do they? 

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  ‘They really be do something’? 

Steven/Noah: ‘They really be do something.’

Olive/Timmit: Don’t worry, just me having a stroke, teehee.

-

Steven/Noah: I’m just here to see Tyrone flirt with a woman. 

[laughter]

Jorja/Magnolia: It’s so weird. I hate it.

Tyrone/Dungeon Master:  Tyrone, a gay man, playing at least someone who’s also into women.