Portal Quandary
Portal Quandary
Episode 1: Aubade, Desert Jewel
Welcome to our series interlude, where we depart from our regular tabletop to play Monster of the Week! In the city of Aubade - home to our season one cast - a royal wedding is set to take place. Chaos at the Sun Temple interrupts the proceedings, and our party is thrown headfirst into their first encounter.
Content warnings for this week’s episode include coarse language and fantasy violence.
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Keeper, Editing, and Community Manager is Tyrone Cross
Doug is Steven Edwards
Höde is Olive Jerome
Ezra is Rosemary Ochtman
Sassandra is Jorja Odd
Elias Moffat is our Content Producer, Narrative Consultant, and Transcriber
Theme song is “Belly of The Beast” by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas (@lilyharnath & @henrylucas5)
We’re on the lookout for a couple of people to join the team as a Community Manager, Transcriber, and Editing Assistant. Send us an email if that sounds like you!
Email us at portalquandary@gmail.com
Sound effects used in this episode include:
Victory Fanfare - humanoide9000
Royal Entrance - dominictreis
Magical Portal Open - alanmcki
Short Brass Fanfare 2 - _MC5_
Antiquity Rome 1 - Announcement music - Brass - FK_Prod
Cinematic Orchestral Arpeggio Trailer - Strings, Woodwinds, Brass - GregorQuendel
VOC_220619-2022-2_FR_LoudThunderclap - kevp888
Army Return - groovy_blue
Water, Pouring, A - InspectorJ
ROCKCrsh_Huge Rock Landslide With Partial Collapse_EM - newlocknew
Fantasy Classical Themes - TheoJT
CD_CONTACT_012FX_Magic_planet - kevp888
La Partida - Valse Venezuelienne - Arranged for Strings - GregorQuendel
This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders.
The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased) is intended or should be inferred.
Jorja/Sassandra: G’day mate. There are some content warnings for this episode that you can find down under in the description.
Tyrone/Keeper: In a mystical land, a sprawling city rises out of the desert like a hidden oasis. Its inhabitants - mostly half-elves - traverse the sun-baked city with an air of excitement, for today is a big day. From the circular structure of the Sun Temple to the glinting glass of the city greenhouses, decorations paint the sandstone buildings in purple and blue. Festive flags wave in the hot desert wind. Delegates from neighbouring cities parade the streets, making their way steadily to the formidable building at the city centre. The pride of the city of Aubade is her castle, banners hanging from every battlement. In the castle cathedral, guests line the pews surrounded by lavish decor and palace guards. They mingle, applauding the meticulously-arranged flower arch that an officiant waits patiently beneath. A dragonborn woman paces the aisle. Her excitement is decidedly more anxious, her scales flaking from the combination of dry desert air and the stress of the day. She smiles graciously at the guests, but always her gaze is drawn back to the chapel doors, waiting. She does not know it yet, but across the city beneath the thick dome glass of the sun temple, a hazy purple shape cuts open the air, and from it tumbles a humanoid figure clutching a humming object tightly in his grasp. His yellow-green wings catch him, fluttering as he steadies before slowly sinking to the ground. He only has a moment to inspect his surroundings before the object in his hands shudders violently, drawing his attention back to it. It’s an orrery, its small glowing orbs lighting back up and rotating around its centre axis.
Tyrone/Kyros: “Hold on - no, no, I didn’t turn you back on yet-”
Tyrone/Keeper: The fairy says, shaking the orrery lightly. It does not listen to him. Purple lights spit out of the orrery. With horror, the fairy realises they are new portals.
Tyrone/Kyros: “I think”,
Tyrone/Keeper: Kyros says faintly,
Tyrone/Kyros: “The demonstration may have gone awry.”
Theme Song: [rock music plays]
Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast
Tyrone/Keeper: Hello there, and welcome to an entirely new season - kind of. I’m going to call it an interlude to Portal Quandary. We’re going to title it: Monster of the Week, named after the system that it’s in. It’s completely different to fifth edition Dungeons and Dragons that we’ve been playing in the first two seasons. So, we’re learning this as we go, so if we make mistakes please don’t come for me in the comments. Please teach me the ways without reading me to filth. We start our journey in the city of Aubade. You may remember this from season one: Phoenaxis. The city of Aubade sits in a large sprawling desert. It’s a large walled city inhabited mostly by half-elf. Sitting right at the centre is the king of the half-elves, or soon to be king: Prince Barthelemy. For it is his wedding day that precedes his coronation. We have a large royal wedding happening in the city today, and so the players that I’m about to introduce in a moment have come to the city for the royal wedding for various reasons of their own. Where we find ourselves is inside that castle, inside the chapel where we find all the citizens awaiting the arrival of the two grooms: Prince Barthelemy (who’s to be king), and his to be wed husband, Lu-Kass, a silver dragonborn. Lu-Kass’s mother, Lin-Dare - she’s looking very stressed at the front. We’ve got a few other faces in the pews, but I completely forgot to introduce myself. You may be starting here because it’s a new season. My name is Tyrone. Hello. I don’t know what I want to say, but I’ve been the Dungeon Master in the past few seasons. One of the figures in the pews… Who do we see, and who am I talking to?
[fanfare]
Jorja/Sassandra: Hello, I’m Jorja. You see just an average height wood-elf. She has very crazy, curly, frizzy hair. It’s very dark brown, but there’s weird, strange white- Like she’s turning grey, but in very unnatural spots. It doesn’t make sense. There’s some twigs in there, some leaves, but it kind of works with the outfit she’s got on which looks like a ball gown that’s been ripped and torn, and it’s a nice shade of green, and there’s some other sticks and leaves on it. Basically, if you took someone from a really beautiful ball and dragged them through a forest. That’s the vibe. There’s moss. It’s beautiful, but she is out of place. She looks like she knows what she’s doing and is comfortable, but out of place.
Tyrone/Keeper: And who is she?
Jorja/Sassandra: Her name is Sassandra. Her last name is Squatch. Some people call her Sass for short. You’ll figure that out on your own.
Tyrone/Keeper: And what brings Sass to the wedding?
Jorja/Sassandra: Sass was really good friends with the dragonborn… Is he going to be a prince once they’re married, or is he going to be…?
Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, he’ll be a king when they’re married.
Jorja/Sassandra: Okay, the new to be king through marriage, Lu-Kass. They knew each other back when she lived in the city, but she moved out of the city and into the forest to explore, forage, and find herself, and all these other things that she wanted to find, so she hasn’t lived here for a while, but she still remembers how to act, how to talk, and that side of the family. Not the royals.
Tyrone/Keeper: So, it’s probably troubling Sass quite a bit Lu-Kass, and his groom - of course - Prince Barthelemy are taking their sweet time to arrive at the chapel. Where the fuck are they?
Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah, she is a bit. Because knowing Lu he’s not usually this late, so she’s going to go over to Lin. “Lin, is everything okay?”
Tyrone/Keeper: She’s going to do some heavy breathing. She’s just going to wave you off, like, ‘Ugh, ugh,’ and the officiant is going to come over: Markus.
Tyrone/Markus: “Please give the mother of the groom some space.”
Jorja/Sassandra: “Okay… Who are you?”
Tyrone/Markus: “I’m Markus. I’m the officiant of this wedding. I have a close relationship with the royals. Who are you?”
Jorja/Sassandra: “Oh. yeah, okay,” and she walks away.
Tyrone/Keeper: We pan our camera over to another figure in the pews. A rather ordinary looking man, I believe. Who am I talking to, and who are they playing?
[fanfare]
Steven/Doug: Hi, I’m Steven. I’m playing- He goes by Sir Doug. Sir Doug Remingtableaux. He’s just a pretty average human. The races in this city are pretty much either elf, half-elf, or human, and he unfortunately just ended up with human. There’s no elf in him at all. He is pretty average looking. Very. He is average incarnate essentially. Height, weight, attractiveness. Just average.
Tyrone/Keeper: What brings this very average man to the wedding?
Steven/Doug: Well, he is in fact a member of the royal family. He is forty-sixth in line. That list is ever-expanding as people keep getting married and having children, so he’s currently forty-sixth, about to be forty-seventh, and will probably grow on the list, but he’s hopeful that one day he’ll get there.
Tyrone/Keeper: Is he spotting a lovely tuxedo for the wedding?
Steven/Doug: Probably a chainmail, knight vibe. Yeah.
Tyrone/Keeper: Oh okay, so I don’t know what your relationship is with Prince Barthelemy Remingtableaux-? Which is the royal family last name, which is where Doug gets it from. I’m not sure what your relationship is with him, but he is being very fucking late to his own wedding.
Steven/Doug: I’m pretty sure I’ve seen him across the table once or twice at a family gathering. Maybe he’s said one or two words to me, but I’ve not known him to be this late, so…
Tyrone/Keeper: And as you’re concern… Maybe not concern. I don’t know what the word is. Wonder of his location…
Steven/Doug: Indifference.
Tyrone/Keeper: Indifference to his location. Our camera pans once more over to who? Who am I talking to?
[fanfare]
Rosie/Ezra: Hi, I’m Rosie, and my character is a sea elf, and her name is Ezra Elfie. So, she lives in this cool little city that is half in the water and half out of the water, and it’s called Sea World, and that is where she grew up. Yeah, so when you see her, she is a pale blue colour, and she’s got really dark black hair that is really shiny and is always a bit glossy like it’s a bit wet, and it’s super, super long, and at the moment she’s wearing this green seaweed-algae coloured dress that snakes over her skin in cool little patterns. It’s kind of like seaweed that she’s wearing, but it’s not. It’s a cool little dress. Yeah.
Tyrone/Keeper: And what brings Ezra to the wedding?
Rosie/Ezra: Well, she is the intern at the Sea World council, so she’s wanting to move up the ranks and everything, and the moment there’s this massive sea event, like this massive problem where there’s been this really big storm and all the currents are out of whack, and all the sea life is getting hurt, so basically all the other council members are busy handling that. So, they sent the intern as the delegate to the wedding. So, for the first time in her life she’s getting to leave Sea World and come to this big city that she’s never been to, so she knows no one there.
Tyrone/Keeper: Is she trying to make conversation with anyone, or are you being very quiet and to yourself?
Rosie/Ezra: She’s being very quiet and to herself. She doesn’t want to stand out, or she’s worried about seeming rude or obnoxious, so she;s very quiet. If someone talks to her she’ll make conversation, but she’s not going out of her way to chat with anyone or meet people. She’s pretty shy. She wants to do good.
Tyrone/Keeper: And now our camera pans out to the room at large to no one in particular. What we see is Markus - the officiant that Sass had a couple of words with - he’s going to whisper some words to Lin-Dare, the mother of the groom, and then you’re going to see her rip off her mother of the groom dress to reveal silver plate armour underneath. She’s storming towards the door, and she’s grabbing a handful of people as she goes past. She grabs another dragonborn, a green dragonborn. He’s very Chadly, really muscular, and a bit aloof, but he’s very excited to go along. And in turn this Chadly dragonborn grabs this moon-elf woman who in turn grabs this sun-elf gent with a little fire cat familiar. They are storming out the front doors of the chapel, and as the front doors of the chapel swing open, you can see into the outside - if anyone cares to look - and down the hill from the castle you can see the sun temple, which has this perfect glass dome over the top of it usually. You see carnage. You see a big purple portal open up above the roof. There’s some sort of upside-down metallic building in there. There’s some sort of mechanical vehicle crashed down out of it. Stuff is destroying the sun temple, and these people have charged down that way, and Markus, the officiant, he’ll come up to the front of the wedding.
Tyrone/Markus: “Sorry everyone for the delay. There seems to be some sort of happening over at the sun temple. If you please wait in your seats this will all be over soon.”
Steven/Doug: “What’s happening?”
Tyrone/Markus: “I don’t even know how to describe it. There’s some sort of magical occurrence with things appearing out of thin air, but Lin-Dare, our saviour, she will be the one to deal with it. “
Steven/Doug: Sir Doug is going to turn to whoever’s next to him, it doesn’t really matter, and he’s just going to say, “Yes, I’ve spoken to her ones of times.”
Tyrone/Keeper: You know what? Who you turn to is indeed Ezra Elfie sitting next to you.
Steven/Doug: Hey queen.
Rosie/Ezra: “Oh hi, do you actually know the people here? Do you know them? Do you know the royal family?”
Steven/Doug: “Why yes, I’m Sir Doug.”
Rosie/Ezra: “Sir Doug?”
Steven/Doug: “Remingtableaux.”
Rosie/Ezra: “Oh my gosh, I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone like this before. It’s a pleasure to meet you sir.”
Steven/Doug: “Oh yes, of course it is. The pleasure is all yours.”
Rosie/Ezra: “Oh, it really is. Thank you for talking to me, I suppose. Yes, anyway, what should we do now?”
Steven/Doug: “Well I’m not really sure. There seems to be some sort of bother happening outside.”
Rosie/Ezra: “Well, I’m quite curious about it, but I’m not sure if it’s right of me to go out and look. I don’t want to seem rude, but do you think I could have a look?”
Tyrone/Keeper: Ezra, you suddenly feel this wash come over you from inside you, and you feel the urge to go to the door and have a look.
Rosie/Ezra: “Well, as I say that, I realise that I really want to go over to the door and have a look.”
Steven/Doug: “Yes, darling. That would be the plot, darling.”
Rosie/Ezra: Yes, so I’m going to walk very, very quickly but properly to the door.
Steven/Doug: “Oh-” Actually no. I was going to say, ‘Do be careful,’ but he doesn’t give a shit. He’s just going to let you go.
Tyrone/Keeper: When you swing the door open this time, you’ve opened it- Are you going to open it wide, or are you just going to have a little peek?
Rosie/Ezra: I’m just going to have a little peek.
Tyrone/Keeper: What you see now is what you saw before with the big portal. Now dropping out of this portal is this giant. This giant humanoid figure stomping, falling out of the portal and landing onto the sun temple.
Rosie/Ezra: “Oh my gosh, this looks very bad. Mister- What what his name? Oh gosh, I’ve forgotten his name. I feel so bad now. Sir! You should look at this.”
Steven/Doug: “Oh, what is it?”
Rosie/Ezra: “Oh, there’s a big man. He’s fallen out of the sky. I’ve never seen anything like this.”
Tyrone/Keeper: Sassandra, you happen to hear a bit of this talk about a giant man coming out of the sky, and it’s piqued your interest for your own personal reasons.
Jorja/Sassandra: I’ll just quickly run over to the door and be like, “Let me look, let me look, let me look, let me look, let me look, let me look”
Rosie/Ezra: “Of course, I’ll move out of the way. Right away. Yes, yes.”
Jorja/Sassandra: “Thank you, thank you,” and I put my whole head through the door.
Tyrone/Keeper: You see a giant humanoid man. He’s wearing scrap. He’s not wearing anything exciting like a chainmail suit or a lovely ripped dress, but he seems to have electricity running up his skin.
Jorja/Sassandra: Speechless, I’m just staring at him. “Oh okay, well I wonder how that works. Is he a human? Is that his life essence? Is that a weapon? What is it? Oh, I want to get closer. I want to get so close.”
Tyrone/Keeper: Ezra, you once again get this urge from inside you, and before you realise it your feet are running towards the giant man.
Rosie/Ezra: “Well this is quite exciting. I never thought that I’d be doing this.”
Jorja/Sassandra: ‘Never thought I’d run.’
Rosie/Ezra: ‘No, I’m quite used to swimming in fact.’
Jorja/Sassandra: Hahahaha.
Rosie/Ezra: Hehehehe. Elf sea.
Steven/Doug: ‘No, no. Sea elf.’
Rosie/Ezra: ‘I see elves everywhere.’
Jorja/Sassandra: Fuck off, I knew you were going to do that.
Steven/Doug: Well, I mean, I guess Sir Doug will move towards the door and he will see the commotion outside, and he will put one hand on his sword, and he’d probably shout. What’s his battle cry?
Tyrone/Keeper: ‘To arms!’
Jorja/Sassandra: ‘Men!’
Steven/Doug: ‘To battle! Men!’
Jorja/Sassandra: ‘Protect me!’
Rosie/Ezra: ‘Sir Doug!’
Steven/Doug: ‘Follow me, I’m going to do something stupid.’ Actually no, he’s going to run off on his own. Yeah, he’s just going to run in. “Don’t worry everyone, I’ll check it out.” Yeah, and he’s just going to run straight in there.
Tyrone/Keeper: I think it is at this point that we might reveal your playbook, which for those people that only listen to D&D stuff, that is their class. Because you’ve just talked about one of your moves, your abilities, as this class. What are you, Doug?
Steven/Doug: I’m The Mundane.
Tyrone/Keeper: And what move have you just called upon?
Steven/Doug: I said it. Don’t Worry, I’ll Check It Out.
Tyrone/Keeper: And what does this move give you?
Steven/Doug: ‘Whenever I go off by myself to check out somewhere or something scary I mark experience.’
Tyrone/Keeper: Well, you better mark some experience right now, Doug. Sassandra.
Jorja/Sassandra: Hello.
Tyrone/Keeper: You’ve seen this lovely sea elf woman just run off. You’ve seen Sir Doug charge. What do you do?
Jorja/Sassandra: I’m already running and taking out a notebook that looks very battered, and being like, “Oh, I’ve never seen a creature like this before. I wonder what can it do?,” and I’m going to use one of my abilities from The Searcher playbook of Cryptid Sighting, and I’m going to immediately ask an Investigate a Mystery question of ‘What can it do?’
Steven/Doug: ‘It can fuck you up.’
Jorja/Sassandra: ‘It can hold you so tenderly.’
Tyrone/Keeper: So, Investigate a Mystery is one of the basic moves of Monster of the Week. Similar to, if you were playing fifth ed, something like acrobatics or arcana, history, that sort of thing. Investigation has a list of questions you can ask, and you've asked, ‘What can it do?’ As you’re running towards it and wondering, ‘What can it do?’ you see it clap its hands together and lightning strikes from the sky and assumedly gets someone down at the sun temple.
[thunder]
Jorja/Sassandra: “Woah, I’ve got to get closer.”
Tyrone/Keeper: Our camera now- We’ve got a camera now. It’s a running theme.
Jorja/Sassandra: Does it pan or does it tilt?
Rosie/Ezra: Or does it crossfade? That’s a term.
Jorja/Sassandra: Star wipe.
Tyrone/Keeper: The film people are going to attack me.
Rosie/Ezra: Can we get the pixel effect on PowerPoint?
Tyrone/Keeper: It’s going to zoom out. It’s like a drone. We’re going to fly through the city for a bit to somewhere else in the city. We’ll introduce the final character of the podcast. I believe we’re in the market at the moment. Who do we find in the market?
[fanfare]
Olive/Höde: Hi, I’m Olive. In the market you can see a cute, little wagon stall set up. The back doors of the wagon have been set up with some very fine, red, satin curtains that can be pulled aside, and one is, and you can kind of peek in and see the dark chamber within, and there’s a couple of unique items back there, and up the front, leaning against the cart, is a regular sized dwarf gentleman. He is wearing a very occult, archaic robe, quite rugged from travelling, and he is covered from head to toe in tattoos. Many different forms and twists and peaks in many different stories that has been involved in their life, and they’re just watching there as people walk past and take a curious look into his wagon, and they’re just standing there completely silent just waiting for someone, just waiting for something to happen.
Tyrone/Keeper: Something does happen, but first, what is this person’s name?
Olive/Höde: Oh, this person’s name is Höde. Höde Ador.
Tyrone/Keeper: And Höde, you are sitting there, leaning against your wagon?
Olive/Höde: Yes.
Tyrone/Keeper: Yep. You look up to the sky, and suddenly the sky rips apart to open this big, purple portal, and from it this large, metal building - upside-down - crashes into where you know the sun temple is.
Olive/Höde: “Oh. That’s probably not very good. Maybe I’ll go check that out. Hang on, let me just sift through these cards,” and he’ll start looking through the cards, and he’ll pick one that looks familiar, and he’ll place it on the wagon, and without closing the doors he’ll start wandering off in that direction.
Tyrone/Keeper: What does the note say?
Olive/Höde: It says: ‘Bak yn S’
Tyrone/Keeper: ‘Back in S?’
Olive/Höde: Yeah, spelled B-A-K Y-N S.
Tyrone/Keeper: I see, I see.
Olive/Höde: And then, yeah, he’ll start trotting his way, not hastily, just casually.
Tyrone/Keeper: And you’re just trotting along. HEading slowly through the marketplace to the sun temple.
Olive/Höde: No, not slowly. Just at a nice casual pla-plas-plas-play- Yeah. Just at a nice casual pace.
Tyrone/Keeper: Just keeping an eye on that portal as a weird mechanical vehicle is falling through. A large volume of water starts falling from it.
Olive/Höde: “I’ve seen some weird things, but man, I don’t know what that is.”
Tyrone/Keeper: But then you see something much larger as this enormous humanoid that takes up the entire space of the portal drops down and steps onto the sun temple, electricity flowing up its skin.
Olive/Höde: “Ooo, he’s shiny. I wonder if I could hurt him.”
Tyrone/Keeper: I’ve just remembered before we go any further - before we deal with the conflict of the story - some of us have actions to take at the beginning of a mystery.
Rosie/Ezra: I was just about to say that.
Tyrone/Keeper: So, let’s go with Höde because we’re already with Höde. I believe we should talk about your playbook and what this move actually is.
Olive/Höde: Yes, so I’m The Initiate, so I’ve been initiated into a sect and essentially act as a merchant that travels around and follows direct orders, so what I need to do is I need to make a roll. At the beginning of each mystery, I roll plus Charm. I have a minus one Charm, and let’s just see how this do. Let’s just see how this do.
Jorja/Sassandra: Let’s see how this do.
Olive/Höde: Let’s see how this do. ‘Alright guys, let’s just see how this do.’
*dice rolls*
Olive/Höde: Fuck.
Jorja/Sassandra: Snake eyes.
Tyrone/Keeper: The first roll of the game.
Olive/Höde: I rolled a one.
Jorja/Sassandra: And another one.
Rosie/Ezra: That’s two.
Olive/Höde: Yeah, but it’s one because I have minus one Charm. Okay, ‘On a miss my sect will ask me to do something bad. If I fail a mission or refuse an order I’ll be in trouble with the sect until I atone.’
Jorja/Sassandra: ‘I’ve been a bad boy.’
Olive/Höde: ‘I wanted to be good today.’
Steven/Doug: ‘Oh well, I chose violence.’
Tyrone/Keeper: As you’re making your way to this giant humanoid you accidentally bump into a person on the way. You don’t get to see quite who.’
Olive/Höde: “Oh, I’m so sorry man. I’m sorry.”
Tyrone/Keeper: And they’ve already walked away. They’ve charged away, but there’s a little note on the ground.
Olive/Höde: “Well that was quite rude. Ooo, what’s this?”I’ll pick it up.
Tyrone/Keeper: In a secret code, in a dialect that is specifically used by the sect, it reads, ‘Ensure a witness doesn’t leave the scene.’
Olive/Höde: “Ooo, a drawing. It’s so pretty. No, no, wait. Wait, no, I remember this. Okay, this is ‘Ensure. A-a. Witness. Doesn’t. Leave. The scene.’”
Steven/Doug: I picture him doing this in the middle of a kerfuffle. Everyone else is running around like crazy because there’s a giant thunder man from the sky. Running around like crazy, and he’s just like, ‘Right, so this is this letter.’
Jorja/Sassandra: Out loud as well.
Olive/Höde: Yeah, no, absolutely.
[laughter]
Steven/Doug: ‘My secret mission…’
Jorja/Sassandra: ‘I’ve got a new secret mission from the sect that I’m- Oh…’
Olive/Höde: “Why would they want to make sure no one leaves?”
Rosie/Ezra: Is this murder? Is that what that means?
Olive/Höde: “This seems dangerous for them, but I guess. Okay sect, I trust you,” and then I’ll hastily make my way towards the kerfuffle.
Tyrone/Keeper: The kerfuffle.
Olive/Höde: The kerfuffle!
Tyrone/Keeper: Rosie.
Rosie/Ezra: Hello.
Tyrone/Keeper: You’ve got something as well, so we should talk about your playbook and what the move is.
Rosie/Ezra: Yeah, so I’m The Spooky. Ooo, so the move that I have is Premonitions, so at the start of each mystery I basically roll and I can get a detailed vision of something that’s going to happen, or depending on what I roll it can be a bit clouded or I could just see something bad happening to me, and then bad things happen.
*dice rolls*
Rosie/Ezra: That’s a seven. Plus my Weird, so that’s a nine, which is still the same thing. ‘On a seven to nine I get clouded visions of something bad yet to happen. Mark experience if you stop it,’ and that’s what it says. I don’t know why I finished that sentence as if there was more.
Tyrone/Keeper: You are running down, and then suddenly you get this pang in your head.
Rosie/Ezra: “Ah!”
Steven/Doug: ‘My head!’
Tyrone/Keeper: ‘Me ‘ead!’
Jorja/Sassandra: ‘Me ‘ead love!’
Steven/Doug: ‘Someone get me an aspirin.’
Tyrone/Keeper: What you see in your head is lightning crashing down from the sky.
[thunder]
Tyrone/Keeper: And hitting someone in clerical robes. You can’t really make out the face, but it looks like someone is going to get struck by lightning unless you do something about it, and you guys are all running down to the sun temple.
Rosie/Ezra: I’m running with a heightened sense of urgency now.
Steven/Doug: Sir Doug would have climbed onto his noble steed, Constance, and is now currently-
Tyrone/Keeper: She’s just hanging out the front of the chapel.
Steven/Doug: Yeah.
Jorja/Sassandra: I have a car or a motorcycle. Can I have a horse?
Tyrone/Keeper: You can have a horse if you’d like.
Jorja/Sassandra: Fuck yeah, I’ve got a horse.
Steven/Doug: Why don’t you have a bear?
Jorja/Sassandra: Can I have a bear instead?
Tyrone/Keeper: He’s friendly. He’s trained.
Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah, yeah. It’s the bear from Avatar.
Steven/Doug: What’s his name?
Jorja/Sassandra: Bolo or something…
Steven/Doug: No, I mean yours.
Jorja/Sassandra: Oh, mine. I was like, ‘I can’t remember. It’s been a minute, man.’
Steven/Doug: I think it’s Bosko.
Jorja/Sassandra: Bosko, that’s it. God you’re good. I love you.
Tyrone/Keeper: Who is Constance? Give me a quick description of who she is?
Steven/Doug: She is a beautiful chestnut mare. She has three out of four white socks. Her back left leg is chestnut.
Tyrone/Keeper: Is she a thoroughbred?
Steven/Doug: Of course.
Jorja/Sassandra: Shut up.
Steven/Doug: Only the best for Sir Doug.
Jorja/Sassandra: Only the most mediocre for Sir Doug.
Olive/Höde: Yeah, but the mediocre is what he sees as the best,
Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah.
Steven/Doug: Correct.
Tyrone/Keeper: So you’ve jumped on Constance, and you’re like, ‘Hya!’
Steven/Doug: I say, “Giddy up.” Actually, you know what? “Onward Constance. What could go wrong?” and I’m going to use my What Could Go Wrong move.
Tyrone/Keeper: Tell me about this.
Steven/Doug: ‘Whenever I charge immediately into danger without hedging my bets I hold two.’
Tyrone/Keeper: This is a mechanic of Monster of the Week. Hold two basically means that you have two points that you can use to make certain effects, and you have a list of those certain effects.
Steven/Doug: Yes.
Tyrone/Keeper: There’s also another mechanic, while I’m on it, called forward, which would mean that the next roll you get an additional bonus to, and we’ll do that in a moment, but Sass, tell me about your noble steed.
Jorja/Sassandra: Oh, my noble steed. Well, we met a while ago. We kind of hit it off really, really well, which is crazy. I am an animal person, and I love meeting new creatures, but I have a really beautiful, dark brown bear whose name is Vervain.
Tyrone/Keeper: Vervain?
Jorja/Sassandra: Vervain. It means sacred foliage in some language, but I can’t remember.
Tyrone/Keeper: So, we’re charging down on our mounts, and Ezra is there like, ‘Fuck me I guess.’ The other two have just marched away on their noble steeds, and you’re there like, ‘I guess I’ll just run.’
Rosie/Ezra: Yeah, so as I’m running I’m like, “Oh, I have a hunch,” and I do my Hunch move.
Jorja/Sassandra: Jesus Christ.
Rosie/Ezra: So, I’m going to roll.
Tyrone/Keeper: Tell me about this move. We haven’t heard this before.
Rosie/Ezra: Oh right, I should. Yes, it’s all new. So, basically when ‘Something bad is happening or just about to happen somewhere that I’m not, I can roll plus Sharp, and on a ten plus I get where I need to go just in time. On a seven to nine I get there just in time to intervene but not prevent it, and on a miss I get there just in time to be in trouble myself,’ so let’s go.
Tyrone/Keeper: Go for it.
*dice rolls*
Rosie/Ezra: What’s five plus three?
Jorja/Sassandra: Eight.
Rosie/Ezra: Thank you.
Jorja/Sassandra: And then anything on there.
Rosie/Ezra: I’ve got zero, so that means I get there late in time to intervene but not to prevent it altogether, and this is about the dude in the clerical robes getting struck by lightning if that wasn’t clear
Tyrone/Keeper: Yes.
Rosie/Ezra: Cool.
Tyrone/Keeper: And you have run head first into danger without hedging your bets.
Steven/Doug: Sí.
Tyrone/Keeper: So, we all get there one way or another, either from the marketplace in the case of Höde, on the back of our relative steeds, or just on foot from the castle. What we get to is the sun temple. Has anyone visited the sun temple before?
Olive/Höde: I’ve never been here. It’s pretty though, I honestly don’t really know where I’m going. I just hope that this is the right way.
Steven/Doug: It’s pretty though. It’s pretty one fire.
Olive/Höde: Yeah, but the chaos is beautiful.
Steven/Doug: Jesus Christ. Oh my god.
Jorja/Sassandra: I feel like I would have visited once or twice, but eh.
Steven/Doug: Yeah, I’m sure Doug would have been here heaps of times.
Tyrone/Keeper: It’s like church.
Steven/Doug: Every Sunday.
Rosie/Ezra: Nah, this is all new
Tyrone/Keeper: So, Höde and Ezra, you have no idea what this palace is supposed to look like, but it’s clearly not this. You two that have been here before, what you’re expecting is a nice, big colosseum shape with entrances at four points around the colosseum, and at the centre should be a big, glass dome that has more and more glass insets down to the altar in the middle. What we have instead is a giant metallic building smashed through the centre, and this giant humanoid figure is swinging it around, and there’s some sort of metal vehicle on the side. There’s this little box-people walking around. They seem to have sentience but they’re just a weird cube. The ground is drenched, and all of the clerics of the temple are running around like crazy. There seems to be the archbishop - you know, the head of the sun temple - she’s like:
Tyrone/Rhena: Come on everyone. Please, please.
Tyrone/Keeper: And Ezra…
Rosie/Ezra: What? What do I do?
Steven/Doug: I don’t know. You just got here just in time to see it.
Rosie/Ezra: Yeah, well I stop it, so what am I stopping? Am I stopping the lightning?
Tyrone/Keeper: I believe you get there just in time to intervene but not prevent?
Rosie/Ezra: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Alright, so the cleric is trying to get everyone to go, and I’m going to be like, “Come on everyone follow the cleric. Come on. Run. Get out of the way. Everyone go.” So, I’m intervening, but I’m pushing them. Getting them to go faster.
Tyrone/Keeper: And what you fail to account for is you had a vision of a cleric getting struck by lighting, and so this cloud giant claps his hands together and summons lighting down.
[thunder]
Tyrone/Keeper: Hey, it’s Tyrone, your Dungeon Master - well I guess your Keeper for this arc, hey. Thank you so much for supporting us and listening to the show. I just wanted to jump in here quickly before the ad to talk about our upcoming episodes. So, this episode that you’re listening to right now is the first of the Monster of the Week arc. It;s going to be six or seven episodes as an interlude while we prepare for season three. It’s going to be a great place to start if you want a more bite-sized introduction to the show, but anyway, let’s quickly head to the ad, which helps us get our word out while shouting out some other great creators in the D&D podcast world!
The Thorne Files Podcast Ad Read: Are you a fan of mind bending mysteries and terrifying monsters? Well, come and listen to The Thorne Files Podcast. A Monster Of The Week, actual play podcast with new episodes coming out every other Friday. Set in 1952, four investigators find themselves entangled in the world full of malevolent forces seeking to destroy the world as we know it. Will they uncover the secrets in the darkness? And more importantly, will they survive to see the light?
Tyrone/Keeper: Before we get back to the episode, I just wanted to talk about our Patreon. We’ve got tiers for every level of support, so that entry tier provides access to character and monster sheets and ad-free episodes (so free from me talking about our Patreon like right now). That middle tier provides all of that plus access to our bonus episodes like the The Quiet Year mini-series we did, telling the history of Prophis, the world of season 2. And that highest tier provides access to early access episodes, which usually come out between two and three weeks before official release! Anyways, I’ll let you get to the episode. The next Monster of the Week episode is coming out Friday, September 20th.
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Tyrone/Keeper: This archbishop is not looking very good. She’s on the ground, fried.
Rosie/Ezra: Well, I tried. I really did.
Steven/Doug: ‘Well, I tried.’
Jorja/Sassandra: Bitch, where?
Rosie/Ezra: I pushed some people. I thought I was getting them to get faster but as it turns out it’s quite confusing when I get these urges from the people above who control me and my family. Yeah.
Tyrone/Keeper: So, unfortunately you don’t get to mark experience for preventing that one.
Rosie/Ezra: Cool.
Tyrone/Keeper: Sir Doug, you have marched head first into danger.
Steven/Doug: Yes.
Tyrone/Keeper: You’ve marched head first into danger.
Steven/Doug: Fuck me up.
Tyrone/Keeper: So, we’ve entered what Monster of the Week’s version of combat is. Combat here is a little different to D&D. We don’t roll for initiative and take turns for what we’re doing. We can jump in and out with what we want to do; however, to Kick Some Ass or Use Magic - that’s one of the moves - you try to do anything against it, it then has a chance to attack you in return basically. It is reactive to what you’re doing. That being said, you’ve just seen this archbishop get struck by lighting. What would everyone like to do?
Olive/Höde: Having climbed up some steps and seen some lighting strike the poor bishop, I’ll look over. “Oh, oh dear.” I’ll turn my head towards… The cloud giant you said?
Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah. I guess it’s more of a storm giant to be correct.
Olive/Höde: The storm giant, I’ll look it up and down, and you’ll see this cross face come over him. It increases and crumples. It’s this hot redness under his skin that fills him up. “That wasn’t a very nice thing to do!” And I would like to use magic.
Tyrone/Keeper: God damn. Alright. This is the first time we’ve had to do a Use Magic roll. Please enlighten me to what you’re doing.
Olive/Höde: Let me see if I roll good, and then I’ll explain what I want to do because there might be consequences for my actions.
Tyrone/Keeper: Of course.
*dice rolls*
Olive/Höde: It’s a nine.
Tyrone/Keeper: Nine?
Olive/Höde: Nine.
Tyrone/Keeper: Alright.
Olive/Höde: Yep, so I get a plus two, and I rolled a six and a one, so it works imperfectly, so I get to choose my effect and a glitch. The Keeper will decide what effect the glitch has. So, basically what Höde will do is, all the anger will fill up in his face. It’s all red and hot and he just needs to get it out, so he’ll reach up and grab his face. “ *roars “ He’ll cover himself in this energy that will pulse into this spear, and he’ll pull it out from behind him and twist it around, and he’ll enchant the weapon, and it gets plus one harm and plus magic.
Tyrone/Keeper: Fuck.
Olive/Höde: And the glitch: the magic draws immediate, unwelcome attention.
Tyrone/Keeper: Arlight, so I’m going to say as part of that - in ‘The Keeper may say’ - that it will require thirty seconds to cast as you’re casting this enchantment spell. What does your magic look like?
Olive/Höde: It’s got a very deep red-golden kind of hue to it, I imagine, so it’s the anger flush in his cheeks is this very deep red, and then it suddenly flushes away and he’s almost completely pale, and you can see the tattoos very clearly against his skin, and then it just imbues into his hands and through into this spear, and then this spear is glowing this gorgeous, gold, radiant colour, but it takes a few seconds for it to fully imbue from his hands into the spear.
Tyrone/Keeper: And because of the time that it takes to imbue it, it takes just enough time for the storm giant - the cloud giant, whatever we’re calling it - to turn and look at you and prepare to clap his hands.
Olive/Höde: “I’m ready!”
[thunder]
Tyrone/Keeper: The lighting is going to come down, and it’s going to hit you for three harm.
Rosie/Ezra: That’s more than two.
Jorja/Sassandra: It’s way more than one.
Olive/Höde: Yeah.
Tyrone/Keeper: Talking about harm quickly, this is our HP. Everyone has the same HP. You’ve got seven hit points before you’re dead. Any more than three - so four and above - you’re considered unstable. I think this draws the attention of the people from below… Not below. From the other entrance you see this dwarf emerge and cast this ritual spell on his weapon and get struck by lightning.
Olive/Höde: “Ouchie.’
Jorja/Sassandra: Well, Ezra actually has a fear of lightning because living near the sea, whenever there’s a storm it’s a massive issue. Water getting struck by lightning. Half of the city is under water, so as soon as she tried to prevent the cleric getting struck by lighting and failed, and then she sees this. She is absolutely terrified, and she reacts by attacking it with magic. She goes, “Ah!” and attacks.
Tyrone/Keeper: Okay. You’re also using magic.
Rosie/Ezra: I am. To inflict harm.
Tyrone/Keeper: Well, hopefully.
Steven/Doug: I wish to inflict harm.
Rosie/Ezra: ‘Yes, I wish to inflict harm upon someone today. Let’s go.’
*dice rolls*
Rosie/Ezra: That’s an eleven, so the magic works without issue, Choose my effect: inflict harm. How much harm do I inflict?
Steven/Doug: One.
Tyrone/Keeper: It says one. ‘One harm. Ignore armour. Magic. Obvious.’
Rosie/Ezra: Cool, and her magic is different. Her magic comes from the shell that’s around her neck, and it’s all blue and goes around in the shell and you can’t see, and then it comes out of her hands like water, but it’s not water. It’s blue, and it’s magic, and it goes ‘Whoosh!’
Tyrone/Keeper: Like a big wave situation?
Rosie/Ezra: It kind of spirals in and out and intertwines, and it looks really pretty.
Tyrone/Keeper: That is pretty.
Steven/Doug: I think the ‘Obvious.’ in brackets is that it’s an obvious move. It’s not secret or anything. Like everyone sees it like, ‘Oh, that’s obviously magic.’ Like, I don’t think you can sneakily make that. ‘No one noticed.’
Rosie/Ezra: No. Sneak attack. So, is the most damage that we can do… Oh no, you can do more with a crossbow. Cool, cool.
Tyrone/Keeper: However, because you didn’t get a glitch, you haven’t drawn the attention of the storm giant. You haven’t incurred the wrath quite as Höde did.
Rosie/Ezra: So, it was a sneak attack.
Olive/Höde: Yeah, but because I still used it successfully, it just worked imperfectly, I get plus one forward for the next thing I do.
Tyrone/Keeper: Oh, interesting,
Olive/Höde: Yeah, because I’m a Mystic. ‘Every time I successfully use magic, take plus one forward.’
Rosie/Ezra: I don’t get anything, do I?
Tyrone/Keeper: I don’t believe so, no. You just used it as normal. It’s not one of your abilities.
Steven/Doug: I would like to Kick Some Ass.
Tyrone/Keeper: I love the, *British accent* ‘I would like to kick some ass.’
Jorja/Sassandra: *British accent* Arse.
Steven/Doug: *British accent* Arse.
Jorja/Sassandra: *Irish accent* ‘I would like to kick some arse.’
Steven/Doug: *Irish accent* ‘I’d like to kick some arse.’
Olive/Höde: *Irish accent* ‘I’d like to kick some arse.’
Tyrone/Keeper: This is another one of our basic moves, so please tell me about what you’re going to do.
Steven/Doug: Well, I’m basic, so I’m going to use a basic move. Yeah, I’m just going to run up and try and stab him with my sword.
*dice rolls*
Jorja/Sassandra: Jesus, fuck.
Steven/Doug: I guess that’s a dirty twelve.
Tyrone/Keeper: Okay, so we’ve rolled a twelve?
Steven/Doug: A dirty twelve.
Tyrone/Keeper: And so please tell us what happens on a twelve? I believe you’re also holding some actions that you can take.
Steven/Doug: Oh hell yeah, brother. I inflict some harm with my sword. It’s got two harm. Okay, I guess I'll use one of my holds to… Oh, I'll just use both of them. I’ll use my two holds to inflict harm twice, so I’ll do four total.
Tyrone/Keeper: With a ten plus you choose one extra effect.
Steven/Doug: So, because I got a ten plus I get to choose an extra effect. I’m going to choose… Yeah, let’s just inflict terrible harm and add another. Let’s deal five.
Tyrone/Keeper: To recap what just happened, you’ve gone to swing your sword at its ankles?
Steven/Doug: I mean, yeah, I probably can’t quite reach it’s head.
Tyrone/Keeper: No.
Steven/Doug: As much as I’d like to decapitate it, I probably can’t reach.
Olive/Höde: How tall is Doug?
Steven/Doug: I’m not a giant.
Olive/Höde: No, but like average height?
Tyrone/Keeper: He’s an average man: six foot five.
Steven/Doug: If you have any question, the answer is average.
Tyrone/Keeper: So, you’ve dealt damage equal to your harm rating on your sword, which is…?
Steven/Doug: Two.
Tyrone/Keeper: And you’ve rolled a ten plus, so you choose an extra effect. You’re inflicting terrible harm.
Steven/Doug: Yes.
Tyrone/Keeper: That makes it up to three, and then you’re spending your two hold to inflict harm.
Steven/Doug: Correct. Twice.
Tyrone/Keeper: For a total of five harm.
Steven/Doug: Correct. Quick maths. I could reduce harm suffered by one because obviously he’s going to hit me back.
Tyrone/Keeper: Yep.
Steven/Doug: I don’t think Sir Doug would do that.
Tyrone/Keeper: No, that’s fair.
Olive/Höde: He’s a glass cannon.
Tyrone/Keeper: He’s done electrocuting Höde and he feels this fucking sword in his ankles. It’s hit his Achilles heel, and he’s going to turn around in anger and clap again.
[Thunder]
Tyrone/Keeper: Electrocuting you for another three damage.
Olive/Höde: Is this feature an auto-hit?
Steven/Doug: ‘On a seven plus you and the creature you’re fighting inflict harm on each other,’ so you hit/hit basically.
Tyrone/Keeper: If you roll a seven plus, you hit him and he hits you back.
Olive/Höde: Oh.
Rosie/Ezra: Oh!
Tyrone/Keeper: I don’t have to roll much dice over here.
Olive/Höde: Oh, okay.
Tyrone/Keeper: You guys are rolling all the dice.
Steven/Doug: So that’s why it says on a ten plus you can suffer less harm because you know that you’re going to get hit, so you can at least take some less.
Olive/Höde: Damn.
Steven/Doug: But that’s not the Sir Doug way.
Tyrone/Keeper: Sassandra.
Jorja/Sassandra: Hello. Is there still a bunch of people around?
Tyrone/Keeper: Yes, there’s still a lot of clerics trying to take shelter. They’re trying to take shelter in the building away from the giant, but the building is flailing down around them, so they’re like, ‘Where do I go?’
Jorja/Sassandra: Okay, I’m going to Read A Bad Situation.
Tyrone/Keeper: Hey, another basic move. Tell me about it.
Jorja/Sassandra: ‘When you look around and read a bad situation, roll and add plus Sharp,’ and then depending on how you roll you can ask questions. Okay, so it’s two d6?
Tyrone/Keeper: Yep, for everything.
*dice rolls*
Jorja/Sassandra: Bruh. Sick. No.
Tyrone/Keeper: What did you roll?
Jorja/Sassandra: Five.
Tyrone/Keeper: That doesn’t even hit the charts.
Jorja/Sassandra: Nope.
Steven/Doug: There’s not even an option for five.
Jorja/Sassandra: There ain’t even an option for five. I just frantically look around. I go, “Eh, eh, woah!”
Steven/Doug: ‘Clouds!’
Jorja/Sassandra: No, a giant man. I get distracted and just stare.
Tyrone/Keeper: You’re trying to look at what’s happening, but every five seconds thunder is hitting, so you’re like, ‘Oh!’
Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah, I’m taking notes. I’m capturing the moment in my grimoire.
Tyrone/Keeper: So, Sassandra.
Jorja/Sassandra: Hello.
Tyrone/Keeper: First thing's first is you rolled a fail.
Jorja/Sassandra: Yep.
Tyrone/Keeper: So, you mark experience.
Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah! Gang shit.
Tyrone/Keeper: The second thing that’s supposed to happen is I take a hard move against you.
Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah? Yeah, do you? If I gross him out enough he won’t do it.
Tyrone/Keeper: With the Read a Bad Situation, you have an option. You can see near you that the archbishop is laying there. Some rubble is crumbling and might have the chance to fall on her, or it might have the option to fall on you. What do you do?
Jorja/Sassandra: This is the archbishop that recently got fried?
Tyrone/Keeper: Yes, so there’s no way that she can just get herself out.
Jorja/Sassandra: So, is this like I choose to run or I choose to help her and get hurt?
Tyrone/Keeper: Has anyone ever played a Telltale game?
Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah.
Tyrone/Keeper: I’m picturing a freeze frame. To the left: Help the archbishop, but you might get hurt as well. Turn to the right: Help myself.
Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah, but will it be a roll for what I choose?
Tyrone/Keeper: Nope, you’ve rolled, and this is the result of the roll.
Jorja/Sassandra: I don’t really give a fuck, so outie. She’s been fried already, so whatever.
Tyrone/Keeper: So, you run for cover inside the building of the sun temple.
Jorja/Sassandra: Yes.
Tyrone/Keeper: And some rubble from up high in the building falls down onto the archbishop.
[Rocks crumbling]
Tyrone/Keeper: You can’t see her body anymore. It’s squished.
Jorja/Sassandra: Oh, out of sight, out of mind. She moved out of the city for a reason.
Tyrone/Keeper: Like, ‘I come back for one day.’
Jorja/Sassandra: ‘This is why I fucking left. You guys suck.’
Tyrone/Keeper: Alright, and this cloud giant now is pretty pissed about being hit for five harm. He’s going to rub its hands together, and you can see runes lighting up in its palms, and as it claps its hands together this time it turns into mist. You can see the form of this giant become gaseous like a geist, and he slowly dissipates into the wind, leaving a heavy fog in the midst of the sun temple.
Olive/Höde: “Where did he go? Hey! Come back. Come back here.” Höde will wander over to the recently collapsed debris, and I’d like to see if I can help them get out from underneath it if they’re still alive. “Hello? Are you in there? Do you need some help? I’m pretty strong. I can lift it up if you like, but if you’re cosy I can just leave you here. That’s okay too, I guess.”
Tyrone/Keeper: I think this is an Act Under Pressure roll. ‘When you act under pressure, roll plus cool.’
*dice rolls*
Olive/Höde: Seven, eight. Okay cool, so I rolled an eight. ‘The Keeper is going to give you a worse outcome, hard choice, or price to pay.’
Tyrone/Keeper: I’m basically going to give you a similar choice to what happened to Ms. Squatch over here.
Steven/Doug: ‘Ms. Squatch.’
Tyrone/Keeper: Ms. Squatch.
Jorja/Sassandra: Hello.
Tyrone/Keeper: You’re going to lift the rubble is the plan?
Olive/Höde: Yes, I want to lift the rubble and help them out from underneath.
Tyrone/Keeper: So, you can feel it lifting up. You can look up and see where the rubble came from, and you can see there’s some more coming, and you can stand there and you can take it, but it will hit you, and you can probably help this lady, but it will hit you.
Olive/Höde: Question about luck: do we start with luck points, or do we need to earn them?
Tyrone/Keeper: No you start with them. You start with- Is it seven?
Olive/Höde: Yeah, seven.
Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, something about luck, actually, is that everyone has seven points of luck that they have for the entire campaign.
Olive/Höde: Oh.
Tyrone/Keeper: So, you don’t regenerate them. There are some playbooks that give you some back when you level up. I think it’s an advanced improvement, but in total you have seven, and once that’s that bad shit starts to happen.
Olive/Höde: Okay, cool.
Rosie/Ezra: I kind of want to get it up just for the fun of it.
Olive/Höde: Me too, hey.
Tyrone/Keeper: It’s a short season. And every class has a luck ability. Something happens for each class when you use your luck.
Olive/Höde: Cool.
Tyrone/Keeper: What are you going to do?
Olive/Höde: What am I going to do?
Tyrone/Keeper: Do you want to sit there and take the hit but help the archbishop, or do you want to take safety?
Olive/Höde: “Quickly now. Here.” Holding the rubble up and holding my hand out for the bishop. “Come on. It’s okay. I’m here. You’re safe now. I promise you.”
Tyrone/Keeper: Holding the rubble up, you manage to still hold on as this other bit of brick comes down and hits you on the head for just another one harm.
[rocks falling]
Olive/Höde: Okay. Okay, I can do that. I am now unstable.
Tyrone/Keeper: This early? Alright.
Steven/Doug: He got hit by lightning.
Jorja/Sassandra: True.
Olive/Höde: It hits me on the head and it leaves a giant welt there, and just, “Ow. *Groans*”
Tyrone/Keeper: Being unstable means that, if you don’t seek first aid or you’re unable to heal it, it will worsen over time.
Olive/Höde: ‘That’s okay. I don’t believe in doctors. They’re witches.’
Tyrone/Keeper: But you’re able to get the archbishop. She seems unconscious, but if you were to check for a heartbeat it would faintly be there.
Olive/Höde: “I’ll scoop you up, okay? I’m going to take you away from here. It’s very dangerous. You’re going to be our new friend and tell us all your secrets.”
Rosie/Ezra: It starts out so wholesome, and then it always ends so, ‘Oh no.’
Tyrone/Keeper: What’s everyone else doing?
Rosie/Ezra: Well, I personally would like to Investigate A Mystery.
Tyrone/Keeper: Oh, how would you like to do that?
Rosie/Ezra: Well, I was just looking because I've got The Sight when I Investigate A Mystery. I can see the invisible - especially spirits and dark influences - and I can communicate with them and make deals with them, and they give me opportunities to spot clues when I Investigate A Mystery.
Tyrone/Keeper: You’re using The Sight to see something invisible or spirits?
Rosie/Ezra: I’m not sure how it works.
Tyrone/Keeper: I think it’s just all the time, to be honest.
Rosie/Ezra: Yeah, so if I Investigate A Mystery do I get extra?
Tyrone/Keeper: I think the information I can give you will be expanded because of that.
Rosie/Ezra: Okay.
Tyrone/Keeper: So, you’ll look around to see a spirit nearby the strange, mechanical vehicle that has crashed into a cleric and perished. This is her spirit.
Rosie/Ezra: Oh, lovely. I’m going to give her a little wave. I see them all the time, but they’re a bit scary to talk to, I find. Some of them are quite calming, but some of them are scary, so I just give them a little wave to acknowledge that they’re there and let them go about their business.
*dice rolls*
Rosie/Ezra: That is an eight.
Tyrone/Keeper: And what does an eight give you?
Rosie/Ezra: What does it mean by ‘spend one point’? Where are the points?
Tyrone/Keeper: So, it says ‘hold one,’ so the one is the point.
Rosie/Ezra: Oh okay, cool. Okay, I want to ask - about the lighting, big, giant dude - where did it go?
Tyrone/Spirit: “I- You can see me?”
Rosie/Ezra: “Hello, yes I can see you. Yes, It’s a thing with my parents, and I’m so sorry this has happened, and I hope you’re feeling okay.”
Tyrone/Spirit: “You’re so blessed. I don’t know where that thing came from. It just came from the sky, and thank goodness it’s gone. It seems to have turned into dust of some kind. Similar to me now, I suppose.”
Rosie/Ezra: “Oh, but you’re such lovely dust.”
Tyrone/Spirit: “It seems to have escaped from here. Even I can’t see it. It’s just the wind now.”
Rosie/Ezra: “As in it’s part of the elements now? It’s part of the world?”
Tyrone/Spirit: “I suppose so. I can probably bring back its form.”
Rosie/Ezra: “Okay, very interesting. Good to know. Thank you.”
Tyrone/Spirit: “What was your name, dear?”
Rosie/Ezra: “I’m Ezra. Ezra Elfie.”
Tyrone/Spirit: “It’s a pleasure.”
Rosie/Ezra: “It’s lovely to meet as well, and I hope I see you around.”
Tyrone/Spirit: “Oh, well I’ll be ascending if I’ve lived a lovely life.”
Rosie/Ezra: “I’m sure that you have. I can see in your spirit that you’re quite lovely.”
Tyrone/Spirit: “Suns praise you.”
Rosie/Ezra: “I’m from the sea.”
Tyrone/Keeper: And she ghosts away.
Steven/Doug: ‘Ghosts away’!? Oh my god.
Olive/Höde: You just got ghosted.
Tyrone/Keeper: What are you guys doing?
Steven/Doug: “Well, it seems that we have bested it.” I’ll put my sword back away. “I assume we return to the wedding and await the grooms.”
Rosie/Ezra: “Oh, Sir Doug, apparently it could come back.”
Steven/Doug: “It could… What!?”
Rosie/Ezra: “I just spoke to a spirit and apparently it could come back.”
Steven/Doug: “Spoke to a spirit?”
Rosie/Ezra: “Oh yes, sorry, that’s probably a little strange, but yes. It could come back, and it could come back and attack everyone again, and I thought I should just let you know since you’re of royal blood and obviously have a lot of influence over the prince and king and everyone. You can alert them and tell them what to do.”
Olive/Höde: “Hi, I don’t mean to interrupt you all, but I’m a little hurt, and I've got a friend, and they’re not well. You said you’re royal? Do you know a doctor?”
Tyrone/Keeper: Sir Doug, because you go to sun temple every Sunday, you recognise this woman as Archbishop Rhena.
Steven/Doug: “Rhena! Dear suns, what has happened to you?”
Olive/Höde: “She was left-”
Steven/Doug: “Excuse me small person, I was speaking to Rhena.”
[laughter]
Olive/Höde: Fuck, alright. He’s just going to stare completely absently at you. It’s going to completely wash over him. I love that. He’s going to look down and then back up. “She might be dead. Why are you talking to the dead?”
Jorja/Sassandra: Sass feels really bad. No she doesn’t, that’s a lie. She feels a little bad. She’s going to try to Use Magic.
Tyrone/Keeper: Okay, harnessing the power of the forest?
Olive/Höde: Oh shit, can I use magic to heal?
Jorja/Sassandra: Yep, you can.
Olive/Höde: Oh, what the fuck? What am I doing?
Jorja/Sassandra: It’s the last one.
Rosie/Ezra: I don’t think Höde would know.
Olive/Höde: “Are you magically talented?”
Jorja/Sassandra: *elongated over ten seconds* “Umm.”
Olive/Höde: “Are you cool?”
Jorja/Sassandra: “Well obviously,” and then I’ll start trying to Use Magic.
Tyrone/Keeper: Okay. Give me a roll Ms. Squatch.
Olive/Höde: “Wow, that’s a really cool magic chant. Go on.”
*dice rolls*
Jorja/Sassandra: Better, way better. Ten.
Tyrone/Keeper: Ooo, something happens on a ten plus, I believe.
Jorja/Sassandra: ‘On a ten plus the magic works without issue. Choose your effect.’
Tyrone/Keeper: Ah, what is your effect?
Jorja/Sassandra: Heal one harm.
Tyrone/Keeper: What is your magic? Describe your magic to me.
Olive/Höde: Get ready druids. This is going to be just for you.
Jorja/Sassandra: It’s so stupid. She’s going to reach into- Because of course her dress has pockets. She needs them. She needs so many pockets. She’s going to reach into a pocket that’s up high on her hip and pull out what looks like an effigy of what could be could be a man, but it’s got wings on it, and there’s two little red flowers where it’s eyes are, and she’s going to hold it right to her heart, and she’s going to put her hand on the cleric that she definitely left to die, and just whisper, “Fuck, I’m so sorry dude.”
Olive/Höde: “Sorry, what was that?”
Jorja/Sassandra: “Chanting. Rituals, magic, you know.”
Olive/Höde: “Ah yeah.”
Tyrone/Keeper: The effigy seems to give off a soft hum like a resonance in response to your silent plea, and you can see Archbishop Rhena’s eyes flutter half open.
Olive/Höde: “Oh, you did it. She’s alright.”
Jorja/Sassandra: “Of course.”
Olive/Höde: “Hello witness.”
Tyrone/Rhena: “What happened?”
Jorja/Sassandra: “Big building fell. Big man. He’s gone. Could come back. Maybe hide. Hello.”
Steven/Doug: “Good heavens Rhena!” and he’s going to charge straight in, pushing the other two small people out of the way.
Olive/Höde: I’m still holding her in my arms, just for clarification.
Steven/Doug: I’ll push you out of the way.
Jorja/Sassandra: You push him out of the way, but you make him drop her and hit her head. Donk!
Tyrone/Rhena: “Ah, Sir Doug. Oh no, the poor sun temple. Oh dear. Oh dear, thank you so much. Oh no, those poor people that came to help before.”
Olive/Höde: “I know. The suffering must be eating away at you, and we went to all this effort to make sure that you were safe, but I can understand if the pain is too much.”
Tyrone/Keeper: She’s going to hold her hand out to where the mechanical vehicle is.
Tyrone/Rhena: “Poor Clerica. She lost her life here.”
Olive/Höde: “Clerica probably misses you too.”
Steven/Doug: “Excuse me, small person. We need to get her to a hospital.”
Olive/Höde: “I don’t know. She seems very sad and not well.”
Steven/Doug: Can I attempt to manipulate this man?
Tyrone/Keeper: For sure. Roll plus Charm.
Steven/Doug: So, I give them a reason and tell them what I want them to do, so I want them to… “Quickly! We must take her to the hospital.”
*dice rolls*
Steven/Doug: Eleven.
Tyrone/Keeper: For another hunter there’s specific rules for this. One a ten plus they mark experience and get a plus one forward.
Steven/Doug: Thoughts, queen?
Olive/Höde: I am very hurt and some experience would make that feel better, but I also don’t want to piss off my boss right away.
Rosie/Ezra: Just do it.
Olive/Höde: Ooo, the conundrum. I’m just looking at you, looking right up at you. I’m staring without saying anything for a good thirty seconds. Höde will then look down, not to any particular direction, just towards himself and then start muttering under his breath. “But if I let her go then I might get in trouble, but I help then I’m doing something good, but they told me not to let her leave. I shouldn’t let them leave. They’re a witness. They have to stay here, but if I take them and then bring them back that could be okay. This is tough. Hmm. Oh, hello everyone.”
Tyrone/Keeper: Do you think it’s loud enough for these people to hear if they wanted to?
Olive/Höde: If you really wanted to you probably could hear.
Rosie/Ezra: “Hello, what was your name?”
Olive/Höde: “Oh hit, I’m Höde.”
Rosie/Ezra: “Höde, it’s lovely to meet you. I’m Ezra.”
Olive/Höde: “Ezra, that’s a pretty name.”
Rosie/Ezra: “Oh thank you. Are you deciding whether or not to save this woman? Is that what this is?”
Olive/Höde: “Well, you know I did save her, and in hindsight that was probably not a good idea, but a witness has already died, so I think she can live today.”
Rosie/Ezra: “Can I just ask why wouldn’t you save her? What’s your reason? Do you have a reason? You seem very confused about this, and to me it seems very simple. You should save someone.”
Olive/Höde: “I like saving people. I’m a nice person. I like to do nice things for people and my friends. You’re my friend, right?” I’ll look down at her.
Tyrone/Rhena: “Please, please. Agnes is the infirmary just inside the temple.”
Olive/Höde: “Okay, we can take you to friend Agnes too with friend Ezra.”
Rosie/Ezra: “Yes, we’re all friends. I think we can all be friends here, and then we can save this friend together to Agnes. Agnes? Angus? One of them, and then she will be saved, and everything will be good because I can’t think of anything that could go wrong from that.”
Olive/Höde: “Were you talking to yourself before? Because I do that a lot.”
Rosie/Ezra: “Oh no, there was a spirit talking to me. A dead person.”
Olive/Höde: “So they are dead?”
Rosie/Ezra: “Yeah, they’re dead. They’re very dead.”
Olive/Höde: “Okay.”
Rosie/Ezra: “Yeah. If you need someone dead - I don’t know why you would, but it seems like you do - then someone’s dead.”
Olive/Höde: “Sometimes it just happens. It’s just what I’m asked to do.”
Rosie/Ezra: “We’ll unpack that later.”
Olive/Höde: “And I always do what I’m told.”
Rosie/Ezra: I’m looking around at the others like, “We should talk to him about this later. This is a bit concerning.”
Steven/Doug: “Yes, well I did tell you to take her to the hospital, so can we do that now please?”
Olive/Höde: “Okay, that sounds good. Who are you?”
Steven/Doug: “Why, I’m Sir Doug.”
Olive/Höde: “Sirdug.”
Steven/Doug: “Sir Doug Remingtableaux.”
Olive/Höde: “That’s a strange name. I know Dougs. I don’t know any Sirdugs, and what about you?”
Jorja/Sassandra: “Me? Oh, I’m Sassandra.”
Olive/Höde: “Sassandra the Abandoner. Okay.
Jorja/Sassandra: “I have abandoned things in my time.”
Olive/Höde: “Oh, so it’s accurate. That’s a first. Let’s go.”
Jorja/Sassandra: “It does seem like a first for you. Anyway, you see ghosts? We should chat.”
Rosie/Ezra: “Yeah, I see quite a few ghosts. It’s kind of cool sometimes.”
Tyrone/Rhena: “Please, please. Agnes is the infirmary just inside the temple.”
Jorja/Sassandra: Shut up, I already healed you one.
Olive/Höde: “Shh, shh, it's okay. I’m here to help you now. I won’t kill you. I promise.”
Steven/Doug: “Yes alright, I think I’ve had enough of you.” I’m going to lean down to help her up.
Olive/Höde: She’s in my arms, bro.
Steven/Doug: Yes, I’m going to take her from you.
Olive/Höde: Right, right, right, right.
Tyrone/Keeper: So, you’re listening to the Manipulate Someone?
Olive/Höde: Yes.
Tyrone/Keeper: Alright, mark one experience and take plus one forward. After all that-
Olive/Höde: I don’t know what that’s going to do for me and my sect, but we’ll see. Hopefully they’ll see the silver lining.
Tyrone/Rhena: “If it helps, the infirmary is still attached to the building. You don’t have to take me out.”
Rosie/Ezra: So, it’s literally right there, and we’ve been like, ‘Do we save her?’
Jorja/Sassandra: ‘Should we walk the ten feet? Nah.’
Olive/Höde: “Oh, I don’t know if you want to go in there. What if more building falls? Isn’t there another- I have magic too. I can heal you if you’re still sore.”
Jorja/Sassandra: “You could also maybe heal yourself.”
Steven/Doug: “Yes, you aren't looking too good.”
Olive/Höde: “What are you talking about?”
Jorja/Sassandra: “Never mind. You won’t get it.”
Olive/Höde: “I feel fine.”
Steven/Doug: “I’m mostly referring to the bump on your head.” He’s going to touch the bump on your head.
Olive/Höde: “Oww. Why would you do that?”
Steven/Doug: “Yes, see that’s… You don’t look very good.”
Olive/Höde: “Oh, I see. Well stop looking at me if I don’t look very good.”
Jorja/Sassandra: “Done.”
Steven/Doug: “Yes, I agree. Done.”
Jorja/Sassandra: “Yes. Finished with looking at you.”
Tyrone/Keeper: Well, you marked the experience, so you kind of have to take her to Agnes if you want to keep the experience.
Olive/Höde: That’s a good point.
Steven/Doug: “Do as you’re told. Good boy.”
[laughter]
Jorja/Sassandra: ‘That’s daddy’s little good boy.”
Olive/Höde: “I am a good boy. I always do as I’m told. I do as I’m told. I do as I’m told. I always-” and I’m going to continue to repeat that over and over again as I move forward and help Sir Doug with Rhena toward the infirmary. “I do as I’m told. I’m good. I do as I’m told.”
Steven/Doug: I’m going to have so much fun with you this little mini-series.
Tyrone/Keeper: Inside the little infirmary inside the sun temple. It’s surprisingly still well intact. It’s on the outer part of the sun temple. There’s this really old lady. This really old sun elf lady, so she’s got tanned skin with the pointed ears in full traditional garb - white and red - for the sun temple.
Tyrone/Agnes: “Deerie me. Oh no, Rhena. Come here, come here. Now, what happened?”
Steven/Doug: *imitating Agnes* ‘Oh, Rhena, you seem to have a little bump on your head.’
Olive/Höde: “I bumped my head and it hurts.”
Tyrone/Agnes: “I was talking to Rhena, dear.”
Olive/Höde: “I’m sorry you didn’t see me. I know I’m very low to the ground.”
Tyrone/Agnes: “I’ll take her off your hands. It’s okay.”
Steven/Doug: “Thank you.”
Olive/Höde: There’ll be a moment of tension where I’m holding her where I’m thinking, ‘Oh…’ and then I let her go.
Tyrone/Keeper: She’ll lay her on the bed and go to the cabinet to pull out some balms and some bandages, and be like:
Tyrone/Agnes: “Right. Oh, you’re still here.”
Steven/Doug: “Yes darling, I’ve got a little cut. Would you mind?”
Tyrone/Agnes: “After I see to Rhena.”
Steven/Doug: “Of course, of course.”
Tyrone/Agnes: “Are you right there little fellow?”
Olive/Höde: “No, it’s okay. I can help myself, I suppose. Noone else will help me.”
Steven/Doug: No, we won’t.
Jorja/Sassandra: Answered immediately. No.
Olive/Höde: I’ll place both hands on my head and hold it and just be like, “Umm. Wait, how does she do it? Ummmmm,” and I’ll heal myself with magic.
Tyrone/Keeper: You’ve got to roll it, baby.
*dice rolls*
Olive/Höde: Eleven.
Tyrone/Keeper: I believe on a ten plus it all goes well with no side effects.
Olive/Höde: Boom boom.
Tyrone/Agnes: “Oh, so you’re a magic one too. That will be mighty useful.”
Tyrone/Keeper: And in that moment another person - a sort of middle-aged, on the older side, half-elf. He’s clad in heavy armour, and you recognise this armour to those that are local, or at least were local as the city watch. The soldiers that keep the peace in the city.
Tyrone/Captain Yes: “Alrighty here, Captain Yes on the scene. I need to take a witness statement from each of you, and you are not leaving until the moment I do.”
Jorja/Sassandra: “No cops, that’s a rule! I’m out of here!”
Olive/Höde: “Wait a minute. We’re witnesses now? I’m a witness? Oh, this is… Oh, what do I do?”
Jorja/Sassandra: “Buddy - I can’t remember your name - do you even know what the word ‘witness’ means?”
Olive/Höde: You’ll see on his face he gets a little cross with a little grumpy face at that, and then he’ll look up at you, and then turn away and look back at you and go, “I know things, thank you. I know what a witness is.”
Jorja/Sassandra: “Yeah, I know you know things, but it’s just anyone who saw an event. There’s like one hundred witnesses.”
Olive/Höde: “Yeah, but there’s always a catch. There’s a moment and you know it and you feel it in your bones, and it’s when told and you hear it and you’re told what to do, you do what you’re told.”
Jorja/Sassandra: Sass has already walked away.
Olive/Höde: I’ll look back and go, “Oh, alone again.”
Steven/Doug: ‘Did I imagine her?’
Tyrone/Captain Yes: “Alrighty Rhena, I know that you are critically injured from a lightning strike, but we have important questions to ask you. What happened at the scene? You were there.”
Tyrone/Rhena: “We were just doing our usual Sunday service, giving praise to the lords, giving blessing to the mighty wedding happening today, when a portal opened up in the sky, and down rained hell.”
Jorja/Sassandra: “It wasn’t really hell. It was just one guy that had lightning. If you want to know about hell I can tell you.”
Tyrone/Rhena: “And helpers came, yes. You know Lin-Dare, the mother of the groom. She came with some friends - another dragonborn, a couple of elves. My own Fiero, he was here. He was here at the sun temple. He was here, but then some little guy with a little device… He was invisible to start with, and his little machine opened all of these portals. The guy seemed to get sucked in there some how, and then off of these creatures suddenly app[eared out of all these extra portals and ran all over the city.”
Olive/Höde: “What kind of creatures?”
Jorja/Sassandra: “Yes actually, I second that. What kind of creatures? How many? Where did they go? Which direction?”
Olive/Höde: “Easy, she’s still hurt.”
Jorja/Sassandra: “Shut up.”
Olive/Höde: “Excuse you. I will not have you speak to me that way, thank you.”
Steven/Doug: “Yes, well as a royal: shut up.”
Olive/Höde: “Very well sir.”
Jorja/Sassandra: “Thank you sir.” I bow a little bit.
Steven/Doug: “Thank you. Rhena, continue.”
Tyrone/Rhena: “I suppose if you include the giant thing, I think there were five. I didn’t really get a good look at all of them, but the big creature charging through the city is probably hard to miss. I think it made a barrel roll for the front gates. Other than that, there was so much happening.”
Tyrone/Captain Yes: “You there, you four. Did you see any of these creatures? I think that you should be up to the task of try to stop these creatures.”
Rosie/Ezra: “Can I just quickly ask why you think it should be us? Because, if I’m being really honest, I don’t know this city, I just came here from the ocean, and it’s all a little bit scary, and I’m very confused.”
Jorja/Sassandra: ”I back her up. I did nothing.”
Tyrone/Captain Yes: “Random clerics that I have yet to get a witness report from, they said you handled the giant quite well. They said that you four individuals seemed to handle the giant, and so you four are going to handle the other creatures.”
Rosie/Ezra: “I mean, I suppose that makes sense, and I can’t really say no because I was sent here by the people from my place, so yes. Okay.”
Jorja/Sassandra: “Well, if you’re going then I’m going because I really, really want to talk to you. You’re so interesting.”
Rosie/Ezra: “Okay, let’s do it. We can go on a little road trip and chat. Yeah.”
Jorja/Sassandra: “Okay.”
Olive/Höde: “What about you, Sirdug? Are you coming with us?”
Steven/Doug: “Ah no, it’s Doug. Sir Doug.”
Olive/Höde: “Sir dug what? A hole? Ha. Sorry, not the right time. I just don’t think of jokes very often.”
Steven/Doug: “Anyway, if the people need me I will be of service.”
Tyrone/Captain Yes: “And you, little dwarf man, will you be joining our cause?”
Olive/Höde: “I mean, yeah. It’s why I’m here. I won’t abandon my post.”
[Fanfare]
Theme Song: [rock music plays]
Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast
Tyrone/Keeper: Thank you so much for listening to Portal Quandary. Portal Quandary is made possible by the following people: Myself, Tyrone Cross as The Keeper, Community Manager, and Editor, Steven Edwards as Doug, Olive Jerome as Hode, Rosemary Ochtman as Ezra, and Jorja Odd as Sassandra. Elias Moffat is our content producer, narrative consultant, and transcriber, and that theme song is Belly of the Beast by Lily Harnath and Henry Luca. We’re on the lookout for a couple of people to join the team as a Community Manager, Transcober, and as an Editing Assistant, so if any of those sound like you please send us an email or slide into our DMs. We’re also on a bunch of social media now, including Instagram, Tik Tok, Facebook, Threads, and our newly launched Patreon, all of which are @portalquandary. Q-U-A-N-D-A-R-Y. This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people, and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders.
Theme Song: [rock music continues]
Finding home in the belly of the beast, (in the belly of the beast), to make it home we can’t accept defeat, (there’s no turning back) so roll the dice and come along with me, (come along with me, let’s go), finding home in the belly of the beast.
Tyrone/Keeper: We’ve got a few other faces in the chapels. I was like, ‘What the fuck?’
Jorja/Sassandra: In the chapels. There’s six.
Steven/Doug: ‘Which chapel are they in!? Your princess is in another chapel.’
Olive/Höde: No wonder why they can’t find them.
-
Tyrone/Keeper: And now our camera pans out to the room at large, not to one particular person in particular. Sentence.
Olive/Höde: Do you want to retake that one?
Tyrone/Keeper: No.
-
Steven/Doug: She has three out of four white paw trot things. What’s-?
Olive/Höde: Hooves?
Steven/Doug: Hooves. No, like her legs.
Rosie/Ezra: Legs. It’s called a leg.
Steven/Doug: I was going to say, ‘What do you call them on dogs?’
Jorja/Sassandra: Bottom arms. Arms from the bottom.
Steven/Doug: Yeah, bottom arms. Arms on the bottom.
-
Steven/Doug: *imitating Captain Yes’s film noir accent* ‘We’re here for the scoop, see?’
Jorja/Sassandra: *imitating Captain Yes’s film noir accent* ‘Yeah, see?’
Olive/Höde: *imitating Captain Yes’s film noir accent* ‘Come here. Tell me everything you know, aye?’
Jorja/Sassandra: *imitating Captain Yes’s film noir accent* ‘Hey doll, what do you know?’
Steven/Doug: *imitating Captain Yes’s film noir accent* ‘The people wanna know.’
Olive/Höde: *imitating Captain Yes’s film noir accent* ‘They gotta know.’
Jorja/Sassandra: *imitating Captain Yes’s film noir accent* ‘I ain’t seen nothing.’
Olive/Höde: *imitating Captain Yes’s film noir accent* ‘Now don’t be giving me none of that sass.’
Jorja/Sassandra: *imitating Captain Yes’s film noir accent* ‘You’re going to have to take me back to jail!’