Episode 2: The Beast

Our newly-minted gumshoes explore their first case together! Doug leads a charge, while Höde finds himself in a bind. Ezra feels homesick, and Sassandra's protective instincts flare.

Content warnings for this week’s episode include coarse language, fantasy violence, and mentions of blood.

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Keeper, Editing, and Community Manager is Tyrone Cross      

Doug is Steven Edwards

Höde is Olive Jerome

Ezra is Rosemary Ochtman

Sassandra is Jorja Odd

Elias Moffat is our Content Producer, Narrative Consultant, and Transcriber

Theme song is “Belly of The Beast” by Lily Harnath and Henry Lucas (@lilyharnath & @henrylucas5)

We’re on the lookout for a couple of people to join the team as a Community Manager, Transcriber, and Editing Assistant. Send us an email if that sounds like you!

Email us at portalquandary@gmail.com 

Sound effects used in this episode include:

Landmass / Earth Rumble- Arto Koivisto

Light Bulb Pops - CGEffex

Fantasy Classical Themes - TheoJT

rattle / shake / vibrate - Darius Kedros

pigeon wings - tigersound

Magical Dissipating Effect - Kostas17

Magic MalletXP-MC - Xcreenplay

CD_CONTACT_007FX_Mystery_Alien_UFO - kevp888

CD_CONTACT_005FX_Stardust_Magic - kevp888

CD_CONTACT_009FX_Vortex - kevp888

CD_CONTACT_006FX_Magic_Mystery- kevp888

Symphonic Arpeggio (Brass) - II - Variation III - GregorQuendel

La Partida - Valse Venezuelienne - Arranged for Strings - GregorQuendel

This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders. 

The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased) is intended or should be inferred.

Transcript

Olive/Hӧde: Oh, hi there. Welcome to Portal Quandary. Just letting you know that there’s a couple of content warnings in this episode. Give a read of the episode description, and good luck.

Tyrone/Keeper: The sky is raining objects, and Nimurata Graves is late for work. She was supposed to have the day off - Gene said something about the royal wedding occupying people’s attention, how that meant there likely wouldn’t be a point in the extra set of hands. She hadn’t complained. Only now, there’s a scrawled note the messenger wren left with Gene’s telltale roc-scratch handwriting demanding she get her ass to the sun temple last week. Nim shouldn’t be surprised - something as strange as that happens and her boss would be the first one on the scene. He’s uncannily good at being in the right place at the right time. Wrong time? Which is if, if there’s trouble brewing? Nim is just grabbing her keys when the tremors start. At first, she thinks she just stumbled a little. But she doesn’t regain her footing, and every loose object in the house is rattling. She’s heard of earthquakes, sure, but they’ve never had one out here in the desert - not as long as she’s been around, at least. She dives to catch her mug from this morning as it tumbles off the table. Upstairs, a clatter makes her wince. She’ll investigate later. For one terrifying moment, the tremors force her to her knees, but then all is still. Nim waits a half-second, concerned they’ll start again the moment she gets to her feet. The room darkens as the light from her windows is blocked. In the shifting, dim light, Nim realises something big is passing by. Not just big - something huge. And then, echoing down the street, the clip-clop of hooves on sandstone. It’s a sound Nim is familiar with, but never at this volume. She hastily rights what she can and rushes out the front door. The signs of destruction can be seen all down the street - things toppled, a few windows broken. Worst of all, the gaping crater where the house across the road used to be, now an enormous tunnel burrowing down into the sandstone foundation. Nimurata scans the street left and right, but all she can see is the wake of the beast, its thunderous footsteps still echoing in the hot desert air. She tucks her badge into her jacket and sets off, avoiding the newly-made cracks in the street. She’s late for work, and there’s a lot of work to do.

Theme Song: [rock music plays]

Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast

Tyrone/Keeper: Hey there, welcome back to another episode of Monster of the Week.

Woo.

Tyrone/Keeper: Woah!

Woah!

Tyrone/Keeper: The dust has settled after a cloud giant attack on the sun temple. There’s a little moment of reprieve, and we have a second to get to know each other, so I thought that we might talk about our playbooks a little bit more.

Olive/Hӧde: ‘Should we do this in character voices or are we okay to do it in our normal voice?’ 

Steven/Doug: You can do it in your normal voice.

Olive/Hӧde: No. Hi, I’m Olive. I’m playing Höde Ador, The Initiate. He works for a sect and takes commandments and obeys the laws and the rules governed by his sect. That’s my deal. Next?

Steven/Doug: You looked like you were going to speak. Off you go? 

Olive/Hӧde: I’m pretty sure Jorja wants to go first.

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah, alright. Hello, I’m Jorja. My character is The Searcher, so something very strange happened to her, and because of that event she is dedicating her whole life to going out to find mysteries and solving them. Trying to track down that one encounter essentially.

Tyrone/Keeper: What sort of encounter was it?

Jorja/Sassandra: Oh, you know, just the usual cryptid sighting. Her mum was taken by some big winged beast with red glowing eyes. He really liked the light for some reason. You know.

Tyrone/Keeper: How about you, Sir Doug Remingtableaux?

Steven/Doug: Hello, I’m Steven. I play Sir Doug Remingtableaux. Sir Doug is The Mundane, which is as it sounds. I’m just an average guy who has somehow ended up in a battle with monsters and magic and stuff, and he has none of that, so this will be very interesting. 

Tyrone/Keeper: You did pretty well against the cloud giant, to be fair.

Steven/Doug: I punch. 

Tyrone/Keeper: That just leaves our little sea elf friend.

Rosie/Ezra: Teehee. Yeah, hey. I’m Rosie, and I play Ezra Elfie who is an elf and is The Spooky, so basically that means that I can do things that most people can’t do like see invisible things and ghosts and spirits and all of that, and I can do that because my parents made this pact with this ghost/spirit evil type of thing, and they go around and spook people, but I don’t like using it to scare people. I have very mixed feelings about it, but yeah, that’s pretty much me. I’m all spooky and stuff.

Tyrone/Keeper: Hopefully we’ve all gotten to know each other a little bit more because it will be important in the next arc of the story.

Rosie/Ezra: Arc? More like ‘shark’. Like in the Seaworld that I’m from.  

Olive/Hӧde: That was brilliant.

Tyrone/Keeper: So, before we move on, you guys do actually get experience at the end of every session. We didn't do it at the end. I’m going to do it at the start before we move on. So, we’ve got some questions to ask, and you’re going to answer them. So, ‘Did you conclude the current mystery?’

Rosie/Ezra: No.

Steven/Doug: Yeah.

Olive/Hӧde: No. 

Tyrone/Keeper: That’s a no.

Steven/Doug: No.

Jorja/Sassandra: I don’t know what mystery they’re talking about, but we solved a mystery. Me and Doug.  

Tyrone/Keeper: ‘Did you save someone from certain death or worse?’

Olive/Hӧde + Rosie/Ezra: Yeah.

Tyrone/Keeper:‘Did you learn something new and important about the world?’

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah, shit’s fucked.

Olive/Hӧde: I think we already knew that. 

Jorja/Sassandra: No, we learnt it in that episode. Therefore, it’s new. 

Olive/Hӧde: Who’s parents were abducted when they were children?

Jorja/Sassandra: That’s different. 

Olive/Hӧde: Yeah, but that’s still awful and terrible. 

Jorja/Sassandra: Na, it’s kind of cool.

Olive/Hӧde: ‘It’s still awful and terrible.’

Jorja/Sassandra: I’m going to kill you.

Olive/Hӧde: Yeah, I know. 

Tyrone/Keeper: So, that’s one no and two yes’s? Was that last one a yes?

Rosie/Ezra: Yes.

Olive/Hӧde: Sure. 

Tyrone/Keeper: What did you learn? Tell me.

Rosie/Ezra: We learned that the wedding is kind of fucked.

Steven/Doug: We learned that homophobia isn’t really a thing in this world. 

Jorja/Sassandra: That is important. 

Olive/Hӧde: That’s a good discovery.

Tyrone/Keeper: You probably learned about the portal, and maybe that portals lead to other places.

Rosie/Ezra: I forgot about the portal.

Tyrone/Keeper: Last question: ‘Did you learn something new and important about one of the hunters?’

Olive/Hӧde: I would say yes.

Rosie/Ezra: Yeah.

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah, super important: I hate you. I’ve forgotten your name already. I don’t care.

Olive/Hӧde: ‘Höde Ador.’

Jorja/Sassandra: *mimicking Höde’s slow speech* Höde Ador.

Tyrone/Keeper: You did learn that Ezra can see ghosts. You were very fascinated about that.

Jorja/Sassandra: That is true. I love you.

Rosie/Ezra: Mwa.

Tyrone/Keeper: So, answering yes to three of these questions means that you get to mark two points of experience on your character sheet.

Olive/Hӧde: I’m almost levelled up.

Tyrone/Keeper: Let’s set the scene, shall we? We’re here in the infirmary of the sun temple. Agnes is currently looking after Archbishop Rhena, and Captain Yes has come into the scene saying that you four are going to get these five monsters that Rhena has talked about.

Olive/Hӧde: “We’re doing what?”

Steven/Doug: “Clearly I am the best person suited to this job.”

Rosie/Ezra: “He is a sir.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “I did forget you were in the room just briefly, but I’m glad you’re here.”

Steven/Doug: “That’s okay, I forgot who you were.”

Olive/Hӧde: “Sorry, do we have to fight monsters?”

Tyrone/Captain Yes: “Yes, that is exactly what you just said you’d do.”

Olive/Hӧde: “Oh, yes, I don’t know if I should. I don’t know yet.”

Steven/Doug: I think you already said yes.

Tyrone/Keeper: A little messenger wren is going to fly in and land on the windowsill. 

[wings flapping]

Tyrone/Keeper: Captain Yes is going to pick up the note that it’s got attached to its ankle and give it a read.  

Jorja/Sassandra: Can I reach out one of the branches in my hair to try and get the wren onto it?

Tyrone/Captain Yes: “Stop that, it’s working”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Oh, okay.” I do it secretly.

Olive/Hӧde: I do it all sneaky-like.

Tyrone/Captain Yes: “Yes, one of my underlings has gotten wind of one of the creatures. Alright, are you ready?”

Olive/Hӧde: “Ready, spaghetti.”

Jorja/Sassandra: I turn around holding the wren. “Yeah, I’m good.”

Tyrone/Captain Yes: “Can I have the wren back so I can write back to my underling?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Is that okay wren? Yep.”

Tyrone/Keeper: He scratches a note and ties it to the ankle, and-

[wings flapping]

Tyrone/Keeper: -out the window. 

Tyrone/Captain Yes: “My underling, Nimuerata Graves, will be at the residential district where it’s been sighted, and she will lead you from there.” 

Steven/Doug: “Well, we must be off.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Indeed.”

Olive/Hӧde: “Okay, we’ll just have to make one stop first though, if that’s alright.”

Steven/Doug: “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “I second that.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Well, where is the stop?”

Olive/Hӧde: “I have to get my cart.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Well, what’s in your cart? Will it be of any use to us?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Stop. For the love of god, stop asking him questions. Let’s just go to the cart.”

Olive/Hӧde: “Okay.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Alright, well then let’s go to the cart then, shall we?”

Olive/Hӧde: Actually, where did I park the cart up at?

Tyrone/Keeper: It’s in the marketplace.

Olive/Hӧde: Is that past the residential…?

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, you know what? It’ll be on the way. The marketplace is in between.

Olive/Hӧde: Yeah, cool.  

Steven/Doug: Can I manipulate a bitch? I would like to convince you not to do that. 

Olive/Hӧde: I don’t understand. Why would you want to stop precious, little, ol’ me from getting my delicious cart?

Steven/Doug: I don’t think we have the time.

Olive/Hӧde: It’s on the way. 

Steven/Doug: Also I’m a noble, and *blows raspberry*

Tyrone/Keeper: Doug, you have to tell the person what you’d like them to do before you roll. 

Steven/Doug: “Höde, I don’t believe we have time. We have to go straight away to find this monster.”

*dice rolls*

Olive/Hӧde: “I mean, that makes me terribly sad, but-”

Steven/Doug: Well, I rolled a twelve, so… I got a ten plus, so you either do it, in which case you get experience, or you go against it and you don’t get experience.

Tyrone/Keeper: I do like how that mechanic works.

Olive/Hӧde: “Well, I mean, it’s on the way, but if you think it will… Alright, I guess we’ll go.”

Tyrone/Keeper: So, we’re not going to the cart?

Jorja/Sassandra: I have left the room.

Steven/Doug: The amount of time it took you to decide whether I was manipulating you or not, these two have already left. 

Olive/Hӧde: No, I’ll just follow behind.

Tyrone/Keeper: So yeah, mark experience if we’re not going to the cart. 

Olive/Hӧde: Beautiful.

Tyrone/Keeper: You want to level up.

Olive/Hӧde: I sure do. That would be kind of sick.

Steven/Doug: You should listen to Sir Douglas.

Olive/Hӧde: I’ve got a  plus one ready to go.

Tyrone/Keeper: Alright,  the residential district. Sir Doug, I believe you live in the castle. You wouldn’t have lived here, would you?

Steven/Doug: Oh, of course not.

Tyrone/Keeper: Nobody else actually lives here, hey? Seaworld… You’re from the forest. Did you used to live in the residential area?

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah, I used to live in the city, and then I moved.

Tyrone/Keeper: Were you born here?

Jorja/Sassandra: Yes.

Tyrone/Keeper: It’s a neighbourhood that you’re quite familiar with then. It’s fairly lower class, and, in fact, you happen to walk past a house along the way, and you notice that your childhood home, in fact, has collapsed.

Jorja/Sassandra: I’ll just go stand in front of it for a second. “Okay.”

Steven/Doug: “Sass, you seem to know a lot about what’s going on in these parts. Are you from here?” 

Jorja/Sassandra: “I was born here, yes.”

Steven/Doug: “Oh, you’re one of those commoners.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Oh, worse. I left for the forest.”

Steven/Doug: “Oh. Oh, goodie.” I'm a little worried now.

Olive/Hӧde: “So, abandoning things is just in your blood then?”

Rosie/Ezra: “Ooo, burn.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “It might be, and I’m going to find out what’s in your blood soon.”

Olive/Hӧde: “Just a lot of fatty cells.”

Rosie/Ezra: “You see guys, I think that it would actually work quite well if we all got on a little bit better as a team. Maybe we should be very, very nice to each other because we’re going to do some scary things, and we should all be nice.”

Steven/Doug: “I do believe we have an appointment with Ms. Graves. We really should be moving on.”

Rosie/Ezra: “We should listen to Sir Doug.”

Steven/Doug: “Thank you.”

Rosie/Ezra: “He’s a noble.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Yeah, I agree.”

Tyrone/Keeper: In fact, it is not Sassandra Squatch’s childhood home that is collapsed. It is quite a lot of them along this main strip here. You can see the main road along the way has been tilled a little bit. Off to one side there’s a good sized hole - probably the size of a house - that’s been burrowed into the ground.

Steven/Doug: “My good Sass, did this place look like this when you left it last?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “No.”

Steven/Doug: “Because it looks to me quite damaged. Would that be a good assessment of the situation? I’m not familiar with these parts.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Yes, I believe so.”

Rosie/Ezra: “It looks just like when the tsunami swept through my town of Seaworld and we had to rebuild, but I don’t think you get tsunamis here, right?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “We do.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Yeah?”

Steven/Doug: “Do we?” 

Jorja/Sassandra: “Yes.”

Steven/Doug: “Oh, I’ve never seen one.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Where’s the ocean? Because I do so miss the ocean. I would like to see it.”

Tyrone/Keeper: In case we have forgotten, we are in the middle of the desert.

Jorja/Sassandra: No, I remember. I remember.

Rosie/Ezra: Sand tsunami. Sand-nami.

Jorja/Sassandra: “They may have taken the ocean out since I was here last.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Oh okay. Okay, that’s alright then.”

Steven/Doug: “Forcibly removed.”   

Tyrone/Keeper: There does appear to be a feminine figure standing in the middle of the road with a little waistcoat and some dress pants, looking a little bit dishevelled. There’s some dirt on the vest. Their hair is dishevelled.

Jorja/Sassandra: Oh my god, imagine that. Embarrassing.   

Steven/Doug: “I couldn’t be caught dead.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Oh I assure you, you could. If you were dead I’d be able to see you. I’d catch you. Dead.”

Steven/Doug: “Yes, thank you Elife.”

Rosie/Ezra: “You’re welcome.”

Olive/Hӧde: “At least they have hair.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Yeah, baldie.” 

Olive/Hӧde: He almost sheds a single tear.

Steven/Doug: “Alright, well this is getting us nowhere. Yoohoo, commoner! Hello!”

Tyrone/Keeper: She’ll whip around like, ‘Eh? Eh? Me?’

Steven/Doug: “Yes, you. I’m Sir Doug. I’m here to help, and this is my squad.”

Jorja/Sassandra: I take a step to the side. 

Olive/Hӧde: “Hello, it’s a pleasure to meet you. My name is Höde Ador.”

Tyrone/Nimurata: “Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. You guys are the ones that the captain was talking about. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Welcome, I’m Nimurata Graves. You - Höde, it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

Steven/Doug: “Sir Doug.”

Tyrone/Nimurata: “Sir Doug, wonderful.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Sassandra.”

Tyrone/Nimurata: “Beautiful name.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Thank you.”

Tyrone/Nimurata: “And…?”

Rosie/Ezra: “Ezra Elfie. I’m from the council. I’m from the council at the sea at Seaworld, and it would actually help if after this if you could let them know how I did because I’m an intern and Ijust want to do really well.”

Tyrone/Nimurata: “Well, you won’t even get to return at this point because that thing is disrupting anyone from leaving the city.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Oh. Oh, oh, oh dear.”

Steven/Doug: “What thing?”

Tyrone/Nimurata: “The beast.”

Olive/Hӧde: “Oh, a beast in the way. That’s no good. We can’t have that. I’ll have to leave soon.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “What kind of beast? What does it look like? Where is it?”

Tyrone/Nimurata: “Last I saw it, it went down that hole over there.”

Jorja/Sassandra: I run over to the hole.

Rosie/Ezra: “You should be careful.” 

Steven/Doug: ‘Sass, you shouldn’t run off alone! That’s my schtick. That’s one of my abilities.

Jorja/Sassandra: I push you off. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, it does seem to go into the ground, and you can’t see much else front here.

Jorja/Sassandra: “Do we know how deep it goes? Has anyone been down here?”

Tyrone/Nimurata: “No, it did seem to pop up again outside the city though, afterwards.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Ooo, okay, okay, okay.”

Tyrone/Nimurata: “So, you guys are good investigators then? You’ve got a bit of experience in taking down monsters?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Oh, tons of experience. I’ve killed so many monsters. I’ve seen so many things. I’m so willing to talk about it.”

Tyrone/Nimurata: “Well, that would be great, but people are dying.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “To know? I know. Everyone asks me all the time.”

Olive/Hӧde: Sorry, could you give us a description of the hole itself? How deep…?

Tyrone/Keeper: The hole is, I want to say, twenty metres in diameter. Maybe a bit more.

Rosie/Ezra: That’s big.

Tyrone/Keeper: It is in the middle of the street, so it dug right in.

Olive/Hӧde: Sir Doug right in. 

Steven/Doug: Sir sure did. 

Olive/Hӧde: I’ll go over to the edge and peer down. With my darkvision, how far down can I see?

Tyrone/Keeper: Yes, Monster of the Week doesn’t have dark vision, but we put a D&D spin on it.

Steven/Doug: I’m human, I can’t see shit. 

Tyrone/Keeper: It does seem to go down… Darkvision is what? Sixty feet down, right?

Olive/Hӧde: Usually, yeah. 

Tyrone/Keeper: It does seem to go down past the reaches of your darkvision. At least sixty feet or more.

Olive/Hӧde: “This hole is very, very deep. Hold on.” I’ll look around and see if I can find a little pebble. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Yep, one of the overturned pavement tiles.

Olive/Hӧde: Perfect. I’ll scoop that up, and I’ll toss it down, and wait and hear and count the seconds until I hear the smash.

Rosie/Ezra: Woah, you can count? 

Steven/Doug: I don’t think you can.

Jorja/Sassandra: It’d be pretty slow, so you’ve got to times it by three. 

Olive/Hӧde: “One… Two…”

Tyrone/Keeper: You don’t hear any sound. 

Olive/Hӧde: “Okay, so I think this hole goes on forever.”

Steven/Doug: *mimicking Höde’s slow speech* ‘According to my calculations.’

Olive/Hӧde: “Yeah, you see I count really slow, and I got to ten, and that means it’s too deep.”

Jorja/Sassandra: May I Investigate A Mystery?

Tyrone/Keeper: Oh my god, you can.

Rosie/Ezra: Woah, knowing how the game works.

Tyrone/Keeper: ‘When you Investigate A Mystery, roll two d6.’

Jorja/Sassandra: Two d6? That is the question.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Sassandra: I got a ten.

Tyrone/Keeper: ‘On a ten plus, hold two,’ so you can ask two of the questions on that list there. ‘What happened here? What sort of creature is it? What can it do? What can hurt it? Where did it go? What was it going to do? What is being concealed here?’

Jorja/Sassandra: May I please ask, what can hurt it, and what was it going to do?

Tyrone/Keeper: Alright, judging by the trajectory of where it came from, it seemed to come from the sun temple and ran a big hole through the side of the sun temple. It basically ran to here, at which point - this is a densely populated area with a lot of housing - it took its best way out. It dug down and out, so what it was trying to do was escape. It was trying to get a way out away from everyone. 

Jorja/Sassandra: It came from the sun temple?

Tyrone/Keeper: Yes. Looking at this hole and picturing this creature in your brain, ‘What sort of creature could this be?’ Well, if it’s underground, possibly if we’re able to cave the hole in somehow, it might trap it underneath. That might maybe work.    

Steven/Doug: But it digs.

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, but it needs the space and momentum to do it.

Steven/Doug: It’s like throwing fire on fire and hoping that it’ll put out the fire. 

Jorja/Sassandra: No, it;’s like smothering a cat in a blanket and hoping it gets confused enough that it doesn’t sneak out.

Tyrone/Keeper: Well, it’s underground, so possibly there’s a way that you could throw off it’s sense of direction. Something along those lines. If there's a way that you can affect the ground while it’s in the ground.

Jorja/Sassandra: Bop it in the nose. 

Steven/Doug: Well, that was your investigation, so what are you willing to share with the group?

Jorja/Sassandra: “It came from there. It came through here. There was a lot of people, so it went down to escape.”

Olive/Hӧde: “Well, if it went down then it went very, very far down. Is it really a threat anymore?”

Tyrone/Nimurata: “Yes, perhaps we can all take a walk to the city gates together, shall we?”

Olive/Hӧde: “Curse me and my big mouth.”

Tyrone/Nimurata: “So actually, if you like right down the streets you can see the gates off in the distance. You can see how they’re caved in a bit. Sort of stopping people from going through the gate. If you can peer over the rubble you can see the watchtowers- Usually you can see the watchtowers, but currently they are not there because someone has tipped them over. It’s a minefield out there. How in the hell are we going to leave with that thing out there somewhere?”

Rosie/Ezra: “Maybe we just need to tame it and make it like us. Maybe it’s just very scared because sometimes when you have sharks they actually just want to be friends, and then you make them your friend, and then they’re okay. Thoughts?” 

Steven/Doug: “Elfie, that is adorable. We need to kill it.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Trap it in its hole.”

Olive/Hӧde: “If we spot it I can try to hold it.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Like a hug?”

Olive/Hӧde: “No, more like a net.”

Rosie/Ezra: “I know someone called Annette [a net], she’s lovely.”

Olive/Hӧde: “Oh, that’s wonderful. My cousin is Annette.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “I know someone called Janette.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Woah, that’s actually crazy.”

Steven/Doug: Sir Doug has the biggest migraine ever.

Tyrone/Nimurata: “So, you guys are going to deal with it, right? I do the investigating, but you guys need to actually deal with it.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Yeah, well I need to see what this is desperately, at my core.”

Tyrone/Nimurata: “Well, go on.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Okay!” She walks in the hole. 

Rosie/Ezra: You just walk in? You just plop on down? 

Jorja/Sassandra: Does it go straight down?

Olive/Hӧde: Yeah.

Jorja/Sassandra: Oh, shit. I thought it was-

Steven/Doug: No, no, we put a pebble down and we don’t know where it went.

Jorja/Sassandra: I thought you threw it. I don’t… I walk to the gates. 

Tyrone/Keeper: You walk to the gates? Not in the hole?

Jorja/Sassandra: Not in the hole. Although, I may push someone in it. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Alright, we get to the eastern gate. The city is a giant circle and has a north, south, east, west gate. This is the eastern gate. This is how everyone would have gotten into the city. Sir Doug, have you ever left the city? 

Steven/Doug: Good heavens, why would I ever leave? 

Tyrone/Keeper: Have you visited the city walls?

Steven/Doug: No, it’s far too dangerous.

Tyrone/Keeper: Everyone else, this is usually how you’d get into the city. It’s the main gate for visitors.

Steven/Doug: Visitors, ruffians, thugs.

Tyrone/Keeper: There’s quite a crowd here because there are quite a lot of visitors in the city at the moment because they’ve all come to see the wedding, and so now a lot of them are looking at their way out. 

Jorja/Sassandra: “Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.”

Tyrone/Commoner: “What do you want?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Move.”

Tyrone/Commoner: “Why?”

Rosie/Ezra: “She means please.”

Steven/Doug: “Pardon me good sir, I’m Sir Doug Remingtableaux. May we pass?”

Tyrone/Commoner: “Are you one of those nobles?”

Steven/Doug: “Have you seen the way I’m dressed?”

Tyrone/Commoner: “Only if you’re going to fix the matter. Useless nobles.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “That’s funny. Please let me move. Please. Move, move, move.”

Tyrone/Commoner: “Fine, just because you’re annoying.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Thank you!”

Olive/Hӧde: As we walk past I’ll just, “Thank you,” and hobble on past.

Tyrone/Keeper: It’s a goliath man looking down at you like:

Olive/Hӧde: “What are you lookin at!?”

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah, step on him.

Olive/Hӧde: “How did you get so strong?”

Tyrone/Commoner: “I work out every day.”

Olive/Hӧde: “I can tell. It looks very good on you.”

Tyrone/Commoner: “I’m not a- Thank you.”

Olive/Hӧde: “Have a lovely day.”

Rosie/Ezra: Is this flirting?

Jorja/Sassandra: “Stop trying to pick up! We’ve got a mission.”

Olive/Hӧde: “Game is game.”

Jorja/Sassandra: Okay, I love you. 

Tyrone/Keeper: The desert. The entrance that most of us are familiar with. There are watchtowers on either side of a paved road, but the paved road is partially covered by sand out in the desert. There’s also rock outcroppings scattered throughout on the horizon. Some tumbleweeds, cactus, but yeah, this is the way. If you followed the way that the road is going, you would eventually get to the forest. 

Steven/Doug: “Oh goodness, look at it all. It’s all so boring.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Correct.”

Olive/Hӧde: “I don’t know, I think it’s rather beautiful and tranquil, even.”

Rosie/Ezra: “It’s like the ocean, but it’s just sand. It’s like the ocean, but it’s missing the water. It’s the sand. The bottom of the ocean. No water though.” 

Jorja/Sassandra: “Yeah, it’s sand.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Yeah, but imagine if there was water though, and then it would be the ocean.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Then it would be the ocean and not the desert.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Yes, that’s my point, I think.”

Jorja/Sassandra: I stare at Doug for so long.

Steven/Doug: “Sass, I feel like we may be the brains of the group.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “But that’s not good. I’m an idiot.”

Steven/Doug: “And I don’t know anything.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Fuck.”

Steven/Doug: “I mean, I know everything.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “I believe you.”

Olive/Hӧde: “Could you just imagine if we just walk along here, just picture in your mind if there was water here, and all of the coral that would grow out of the sand and how beautiful it would all look.”

Jorja/Sassandra: As soon as he said, ‘Imagine walking-’ I walked off. 

Tyrone/Keeper: How I described it a second ago is how it would normally look. The thing, however, is that majority of these watchtowers are partially or fully fallen over. The pathway is again tilled. Yeah, ‘till’ is a good word. It’s been upended, and there is another big hole. There’s actually a series of big holes in the desert. A bunch of pit traps and sand is falling into them.

Steven/Doug: “Well, who’s up for Whack-a-Mole?” I shall pull out my mallet.

Jorja/Sassandra: “Do you carry that with you?”

Steven/Doug: “Of course. One never knows when one might be playing croquet.”

Olive/Hӧde: “I left my mallet on the cart, but I have this,” and I pull out a little dagger and show it to you with a big smile on my face.

Steven/Doug: What does this dagger look like, and should I be worried? 

Olive/Hӧde: It’s a regular, plain dagger. It’s got a weird but that juts out from the hilt, and then it’s got a small curve in it and then it sticks back up.

Jorja/Sassandra: It’s just swallowed in black smoke. It’s fine. 

Steven/Doug: It’s radiating up his arm, covered in symbols. 

Jorja/Sassandra: It goes up to his eyes.

Olive/Hӧde: “If you give it a little kiss it’ll whisper dark, deep things.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Can I give it a kiss? That sounds very interesting.”

Olive/Hӧde: “I don’t know if I want you want to kiss my blade.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Oh, but you made it sound so intriguing.”

Steven/Doug: “Well, well it would appear only men are allowed to kiss his blade.”

Olive/Hӧde: “Huh? What?”

Tyrone/Keeper: Ezra, the entity within you, as you’ve come to know throughout your life, has poor impulse control, and so without even realising it your feet are walking towards one of the pit traps. 

Rosie/Ezra: “Come on gang. This looks fun.”

Steven/Doug: “Yes, well that’s one word for it.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “You’re getting very close to it.”

Steven/Doug: “Yes, Ms. Elfie, you might want to come back a little bit before you fall in.” 

Rosie/Ezra: “No, no, we’re good- I mean, I’m good.”

Steven/Doug: “Did she just refer to herself as a ‘we’?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “She did.”

Steven/Doug: “Interesting.”

Olive/Hӧde: As you guys are discussing, you see me walking up next to her.

Jorja/Sassandra: May I please Read A Bad Situation?

Tyrone/Keeper: You may.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Sassandra: Ten. Okay, I get to hold three, so are there any dangers we haven’t noticed, what's the best way to protect the victims, what’s the biggest threat?

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, the dangers that you haven’t noticed yet is that the pit that they’re looking into is swirling around as if there is some movement inside the pit.

Steven/Doug: Bollocks.

Tyrone/Keeper: That does appear to be the biggest threat. We’ll come back to that in a second because the best way to protect the victims is to remove them quickly from the situation, essentially.

Jorja/Sassandra: “Sir Doug, we must move them.”

Steven/Doug: “We shall move them.”

Jorja/Sassandra: I grab Ezra.

Rosie/Ezra: Oh my.

Jorja/Sassandra: Oh my.

Steven/Doug: I quickly grab Höde.   

Tyrone/Keeper: And as you are running to approach the pit, you start to see these horns spiralling around and causing this hole to spin. It’s causing the pit trap to spin, and these horns are rising up and out of it.

Olive/Hӧde: Do we see this as well?

Tyrone/Keeper: Yes, you see this is in front of you now, a little too late.

Olive/Hӧde: “Should we get it now while it’s in the hole?”

Steven/Doug: “By the time you finish talking you’ll be dead.”

Olive/Hӧde: “Okay.”

[laughter]

Steven/Doug: And we never saw Höde again.

Rosie/Ezra: “I know this looks dangerous, but I have this urge to keep on going and going and going. Should we just keep going?”

Jorja/Sassandra: I’m pulling her back.

Tyrone/Keeper: You’re pulling her back? I’m not sure how…

Steven/Doug: Is it Protect Someone?

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, that's the best move to do. 

Steven/Doug: How Tough are you?

Jorja/Sassandra: Not. 

Steven/Doug: ‘Not.’

Jorja/Sassandra: But ‘If you act on these answers you get a plus one ongoing while the information is relevant.’

Steven/Doug: Slay.

Tyrone/Keeper: So, you’re going to help Höde retreat?

Steven/Doug: I guess.

Tyrone/Keeper: Yep. Give it a roll.

*dice rolls*

Steven/Doug: Ten. Don’t worry Höde, we’ve got this.

Tyrone/Keeper: On a ten plus, choose an extra.

Jorja/Sassandra: ‘Suffer a little harm.’

Tyrone/Keeper: So you can: suffer little harm; all impending danger is focused on you; you inflict harm on the enemy, or; you hold the enemy back. Sir Doug.

Steven/Doug: Sure, I guess one arm is going to grab Höde, the other is going to do a stab.

Tyrone/Keeper: You’re going to inflict harm on the enemy as it’s coming up?

Steven/Doug: I sure will. Stabbing the only thing I can see, which is its horn.

Tyrone/Keeper: We’ll resolve that in one moment because I’m interested in how the Protect Someone on Ezra went.    

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Sassandra: I got a seven. ‘I protect them okay, but I suffer some or all of the harm they were going to get,’ which, ‘If I protect someone, I suffer one less harm.’

Tyrone/Keeper: Oh damn, is that one of your moves?

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah, I’m prepared for defence.

Rosie/Ezra: Nice.

Tyrone/Keeper: What’s the anime of the move?

Jorja/Sassandra: It’s called Prepared To Defend. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Oh. 

Steven/Doug: It says it in the name, really.

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah, it does.

Tyrone/Keeper: Sir Doug, you are there pulling Höde back, waiting for the first sign of something you can stab beyond the horns. This little tuft of brown fur comes out and you stab it right in the head, I assume?

Steven/Doug: Sure. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Sure, what harm does your sword do?

Steven/Doug: Two harm. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Noted.

Steven/Doug: It also has ‘hand,’ ‘innocuous,’ and ‘messy.’

Tyrone/Keeper: Messy.

Steven/Doug: Two messy harm. 

Tyrone/Keeper: You do notice that it seems to have quite a thick hide and doesn’t seem to pierce into it very well. 

Steven/Doug: No, I do two harm.

Tyrone/Keeper: But, you two are back; however, what are you two up to? 

Jorja/Sassandra: I am so prepared to defend, and I protect Ezra okay, but I suffer some or all of the harm they were going to get. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Which is a small graze of the horns on the way out, and you’ve suffered just one harm. 

Jorja/Sassandra: I suffer one less harm.

Tyrone/Keeper: Oh my god, how does that happen?

Jorja/Sassandra: Because I am so prepared to defend, and because Ezra, she’s cute and really interesting and stuff, and she’s into some cool stuff and there’s some fucked shit happening, so I get in the way, but I’m so enraptured with her that I dodge. 

Rosie/Ezra: Cute.

Tyrone/Keeper: Invoking which move?

Jorja/Sassandra: Prepared To Defend. 

Tyrone/Keeper: And now the beast comes out of the pit trap, and you can see more of its form as this huge - I want to say three stories in height - what looks like a regular goat to you guys. This appears huge and like it hasn’t grown quite right. It’s got bumps in weird places and it's got these huge horns that create a double helix around, and that’s how it’s drilled out. 

-

Tyrone/Keeper: Hey, it’s Tyrone, your Keeper. As always. Thanks for listening and supporting the show. I just wanted to jump in here before the ad to quickly talk about our upcoming episodes. So, this Monster of the Week mini arc is going to go for about six episodes while we prepare for season three, and speaking of season three actually we’re looking into adding listener names in as NPCs in season three when they share about the show. So, that’ll likely be through Instagram because that’s our most popular socials - so keep an eye on our Insta if you want to be an NPC in season three. Let’s quickly head to the ad - featuring another awesome Monster of the Week podcast. 

The Thorne Files Podcast Ad Read: Are you a fan of mind bending mysteries and terrifying monsters? Well, come and listen to The Thorne Files Podcast. A Monster Of The Week, actual play podcast with new episodes coming out every other Friday. Set in 1952, four investigators find themselves entangled in the world full of malevolent forces seeking to destroy the world as we know it. Will they uncover the secrets in the darkness? And more importantly, will they survive to see the light? 

Tyrone/Keeper: Before we get back to the episode, I just wanted to talk about our Patreon. We’ve got tiers for every level of support. The entry tier provides access to character and monster sheets and ad-free episodes (free from me talking about our Patreon like right now). That middle tier provides all of that plus access to bonus episodes like our The Quiet Year mini-series, telling the history of Prophis, the world of season 2. And that highest tier provides access to early access episodes, which usually come out between two and three weeks before official release! Anyways, I’ll let you get to the episode. The next Monster of the Week episode will be coming out Friday, October 11th.

-

Olive/Hӧde: “Sir Doug, are you okay?”

Steven/Doug: I don’t recall, how much harm did I take?

Tyrone/Keeper: You took none because you rolled the ten plus. 

Steven/Doug: “Don’t mind me, Höde. It merely nicked my wedding attire. I’m fine.”

Olive/Hӧde: “Oh, good, good. Thank you.”

Jorja/Sassandra: As I pull Ezra away, and I get a look at it, I’m like, “Oh, don’t worry. I’ve seen one of these before. It’ll be fine. I’ve done this. It’s okay,” and I’m going to use my ability called The Things I’ve Seen.  

Tyrone/Keeper: And what does this move do?

Jorja/Sassandra: ‘When I encounter a creature or phenomenon, you may declare that you have seen it before. The Keeper may ask you some questions about that encounter and then tell you one useful fact you learned and one danger you need to watch out for, maybe right now.’

Tyrone/Keeper: When have you seen one of these before?

Jorja/Sassandra: I imagine I’m telling Ezra. “So, when I was in the forest - It was the first night there, it was crazy - it was a little one. It was before it grew up, I guess, but it still had those horns, and I was just trying to find where my mum went, and then it came at me and I fought it, and it was crazy.”

Rosie/Ezra: “That’s actually really cool. You’re really cool.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “I know.”

Steven/Doug: No, she’s only got one Cool.

Jorja/Sassandra: Shut up, don’t look at my sheet! I also have one Weird, so it kind of balances out.

Olive/Hӧde: While that conversation is happening, I’ll move past Sir Doug and I’ll start humming. You’ll hear it from his chest, this low, *guttural humming* and he’ll reach out his hand and gently place it on the creature, and I’d like to use a bit of Weird.

Tyrone/Keeper: I’d just like to quickly finish the move that we were in the middle of, but then we’ll get to that.

Olive/Hӧde: Oh, okay. Cool.

Tyrone/Keeper: One useful fact about it was the first one?

Jorja/Sassandra: Yes.

Tyrone/Keeper: One useful fact about it. What’s the other one as well?

Jorja/Sassandra: One danger that you need to watch out for.

Tyrone/Keeper: Okay. One useful fact about it is that sometimes the horns don’t grow in the double helix straight line. Sometimes they curl back around on itself, but sometimes it does grow into the back of their neck and that’s really painful for them.     

Rosie/Ezra: It’s like an ingrown toenail, but for goats.

Tyrone/Keeper: And one danger that you need to watch out for right now is that they’re pretty good at hoofing it. Not hoofing it as in running, sorry.

Jorja/Sassandra: They’re boot-scooting. 

Tyrone/Keeper: They’re pretty good at kicking.

Jorja/Sassandra: Oh, okay. Whilst telling Ezra about all this: “Sometimes their horns grow back, behind their ears, and it pierces them, and it can be really, really painful, and it’s so sad, but it’s so interesting. Oh also, they kick really hard.”

Tyrone/Keeper: As Höde is pressing his hands against it.

Olive/Hӧde: So, I’d like to use my magic to ;Trap a specific person, minion, or monster.’ 

Tyrone/Keeper: ‘Say what you want to achieve and how you do the spell.’ How do you do the spell? With the chanting?

Olive/Hӧde: Yeah, with the chanting, and you hear it. It’s this bright, blue and white light that pulses from both of his hands and sends shockwaves across the creature and it’s whole blue and white energy. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Alright, at which point you roll plus Weird.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Hӧde: Okay, so that’s a nine.

Tyrone/Keeper: Do you have plus three?

Olive/Hӧde: No, because I still have the plus one from earlier from Steven’s manipulation.

Tyrone/Keeper: On a seven to nine it works imperfectly. Choose your effect and a glitch, and I will decide what effect the glitch has. So, you’ve already said what effect you want. What glitch are you after?

Olive/Hӧde: Yeah, none of these are really good.

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, that’s why they’re there.  

Steven/Doug: Weird.

Jorja/Sassandra: Strange choice on their behalf.

Olive/Hӧde: Okay, I’m going to say it has a problematic side effect.

Tyrone/Keeper: You’re trapping it… As in a Hold Person type situation?

Olive/Hӧde: Yes, yep.

Tyrone/Keeper: This blue and white energy comes over this goat, and it seems to have frozen in place. The other thing that has happened though is that you have put this magic also into yourself. You’ve found yourself also unable to move.

Olive/Hӧde: Can I still talk?

Tyrone/Keeper: Yes.

Olive/Hӧde: Yes!

Steven/Doug: Fuck!

Jorja/Sassandra: How dare you. He can’t move! He can’t move his mouth. 

Olive/Hӧde: As I press my hands against it, and as the hum finally comes to an ended, “*guttural humming* Guys, I can’t move, but this is okay, This happens all the time. Just do what you have to do.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Abandoning things is in my blood. Leave him!”

Olive/Hӧde: “Yeah, that sounds about right.”

Steven/Doug: “Well, the beast has been subdued. Kill it!”

Jorja/Sassandra: ‘Huzza!’

Steven/Doug: I’m going to invoke What Could Go Wrong? I’m going to charge immediately into danger without hedging my bets. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Okay, roll to Kick Some Ass I believe.

Steven/Doug: Stab.

Tyrone/Keeper: That’s what that is?

Steven/Doug: Well, it just says that I have hold two.

Jorja/Sassandra: Oh yeah, how does that work? If he can’t move and we attack it does it still attack back?

Tyrone/Keeper: I’ll read as you roll.

Jorja/Sassandra: Game broken. May I help out?

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, go for it. 

Steven/Doug: ‘May I assist in the kicking of the ass?’

Jorja/Sassandra: ‘I will kick the ass.’

Tyrone/Keeper: I don’t think we’ve used Help Out before. That’s exciting.

Jorja/Sassandra: When you help another hunter, roll plus Cool. ‘You grant them plus one to their roll,’ or ‘your help grants them plus one to their roll, but you also expose yourself to trouble or danger.’ He can’t fucking move.

Steven/Doug: Yeah, he’s subdued. Don’t worry about it. 

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Sassandra: I got a twelve.

Steven/Doug: I got an eight. 

Jorja/Sassandra: Well, you got a nine.

Steven/Doug: I got a nine. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Ah yes, ‘On a ten plus, your help grants them a plus one to their roll.’ You got a nine. ‘On a seven plus, you and whatever you’re fighting inflict harm on each other. The amount of harm is based on the established dangers of the game. That usually means that you inflict your weapon’s harm rating on the enemy, and the enemy inflicts their harm rating on you.’ Usually. This is not a usual situation.

Steven/Doug: Correct. 

Tyrone/Keeper: You have some holds as well, I believe, with your move. 

Steven/Doug: Yes.

Tyrone/Keeper: How are you liking to spend those?

Steven/Doug: Harm!

Tyrone/Keeper: Both into harm again?

Steven/Doug: Yes. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Typical Doug.

Steven/Doug: I do one thing. 

Tyrone/Keeper: So, what is the total harm you're inflicting?

Steven/Doug: Four.

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, it was rising up as Höde held it, so you’ve got it in its underside where its hide is a bit weaker, and you’ve stabbed into it. It’s still a bit hard to stab into, but you did deal some damage, and it is bloody, I believe, is one of the tags. 

Steven/Doug: Messy.

Tyrone/Keeper: Yes, its blood goes everywhere. How did you help out by the way?

Steven/Doug: She held up my bum. 

Tyrone/Keeper: She lifted you up?

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah.

Tyrone/Keeper: Oh, did you leave Constance and Vervain at the temple?

Jorja/Sassandra: No, they’ve been here the whole time. I was going to mention it while we were walking through the streets, but I was like, ‘Eh, it’s kind of funnier to just not.’

Tyrone/Keeper: Sorry, how are you helping him?

Steven/Doug: I lift my hand up to stab it, and you…

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah, I’m just going to grab Doug’s elbow and push it in further. 

Steven/Doug: I got it through the first part of the hide, but then it got stuck on something, so she pushed my elbow in’. 

Olive/Hӧde: ‘I’ve struck the beast!’ and from behind, ‘A little further.’

Jorja/Sassandra: ‘Just to the left.’

Steven/Doug: ‘I’m only used to fencing. We’re only supposed to make contact.’ ‘No, no. In. In.’

Jorja/Sassandra: ‘In.’

Tyrone/Keeper: So, the harm that we’ve inflicted on each other - because this is an unusual situation - you’re reaching up to stab it in the belly, and you’re getting assistance, but you’ve lost your footing and fallen into the divet of the sand pit, and just taken one harm.

Steven/Doug: “I’m unstable.”

Jorja/Sassandra: Oh, you for real are.

Steven/Doug: Yeah.

Olive/Hӧde: “That’s alright. I can heal you, but not yet.”

Rosie/Ezra: Can I just do Protect Someone? Will that protect, and then I take harm because I haven’t taken harm?

Tyrone/Keeper: What are you protecting them from?

Rosie/Ezra: I don’t know. The harm. The falling. 

Steven/Doug: My poor footing.

Rosie/Ezra: Yeah, I’ll go and catch. 

Steven/Doug: My gentleman’s legs.

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah okay, so you’re just run to grab him. ‘No, Sir Doug!’

Rosie/Ezra: Exactly. “No, Sir Doug, you’re too precious. You’re a royal. You’re a noble. Let me help.”

Steven/Doug: One of them is on my elbow. Another one is on my feet. 

Jorja/Sassandra: ‘You can’t possibly touch the ground.’

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Ezra: Oh actually, I only got a five. 

Olive/Hӧde: Hey, you get to mark down and experience point. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Five is a fail.

Jorja/Sassandra: Really?

Steven/Doug: Did you just protect me?

Rosie/Ezra: Yep.

Steven/Doug: Oh my god, I’m Always The Victim. ‘Whenever another hunter uses Protect Someone to protect me, they mark experience.’

Rosie/Ezra: Did I just get two experience from that?

Olive/Hӧde: Does it need to be successful?

Steven/Doug: No it does not.

Olive/Hӧde: Oh, hell yeah.

Steven/Doug: This is the action.

Jorja/Sassandra: This is like a game of chess. 

Rosie/Ezra: So, I imagine I’m like, “Oh no, Sir Doug. You musn’t!” and then I run to help, but just skid and slide and fall flat on my face, reaching for their feet.  

Olive/Hӧde: Forgetting that you’re running on sand. 

Rosie/Ezra: I thought I was in the water. I tried to swim.

Steven/Doug: You thought the ocean was there. 

Rosie/Ezra: Yeah, I was all confused. 

Tyrone/Keeper: So, on a fail I get to take a hard move against you, which is that, not only does Sir Doug still take the damage as you dive to grab his ankles - you miss and he falls - now you’ve also fallen into the sandpit with him, and you also take Harm.

Rosie/Ezra: How much harm?

Tyrone/Keeper: Just one.

Rosie/Ezra: Okay.

Tyrone/Keeper: And you’re both on the ground. 

Rosie/Ezra: “My gosh.”

Steven/Doug: “Oh goodness, gracious me. Why is my sword- *retches* Why is my sword that red colour?”

Jorja/Sassandra: “It’s just jam!”

Rosie/Ezra: “But I wouldn’t taste it, Sir Doug. It might not be to your liking.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “There’s no cream and scones. You can’t have it yet.”

Steven/Doug: “That’s the only way to have jam.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “I wouldn’t eat it bare like a barbarian.”

Olive/Hӧde: ‘Bread? On my jam? Get out you blasphemer.’

Tyrone/Keeper: Your move.

Rosie/Ezra: Whose?

Jorja/Sassandra: Anyone’s.

Rosie/Ezra: Oh.

Olive/Hӧde: I’m not moving. I’ve got this thing pinned down.

Rosie/Ezra: Is this a curse? Can I do a magic to get rid of it?

Tyrone/Keeper: It’s the negative effect of his spell, so if Höde’s spell goes down he’ll be able to move again, but so will the goat.   

Rosie/Ezra: Oh, so I shouldn’t do anything? Sorry, you’re staying.

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah, leave him.

Olive/Hӧde: “I’m helping.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Good job, Höde.”

Steven/Doug: And from the sand I’ll be like, “Yes, you’re doing a marvellous job.”

Olive/Hӧde: “And so are you. You’re so strong.”

Steven/Doug: “I know. Elfie, help me up. I must do another stab.”

Rosie/Ezra: “Alright, alright. I will get up,” and I’ll struggle to get up, slipping over as I do while I’m trying to pick you up. “It’s okay, Sir Doug. I’ve got you.”

Jorja/Sassandra: I shall help Doug stab.

Steven/Doug: Excellent. We shall do another stab.

Jorja/Sassandra: With help. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Sounds good. I will just note, Höde, that you are starting to feel the effects of the magic starting to wane. You;re still holding it well enough, but there’s only so long that you can hold it for.

Olive/Hӧde: Just let me know when it’s about to run out, chief.  

*dice rolls*

Tyrone/Keeper: We’re doing some more Kick Some Ass?

Steven/Doug: Yes, I rolled a ten on my Tough without help. 

Tyrone/Keeper: ‘On a ten plus, you choose one extra effect: you take the advantage, you get plus one forward, or give plus one forward to another person; you inflict terrible harm; you suffer less harm; or, you force them where you want them.’

Steven/Doug: What’s terrible harm?

Tyrone/Keeper: It’s another plus one harm.

Steven/Doug: Terrible harm!

Tyrone/Keeper: So, three harm?

Steven/Doug: Yes. 

Tyrone/Keeper: I’m trying to think because it obviously can’t move, but you still get harm inflicted upon you. One of the nearby watchtowers that was damaged before… What? Let me finish.

Steven/Doug: That’s a bit of a stretch.

Rosie/Ezra: ‘Let me finish.’

 Tyrone/Keeper:One of the watchtowers nearby, from the movement from the struggle that occurring right now, from the beast and from you guys, has slowly been teetering and is now starting to fall down towards you, and a bit of debris from the watchtower nearby is coming to hit you on the back.

Jorja/Sassandra: I am prepared to defend! I want to protect him.

Tyrone/Keeper: Oh my god. Yes, roll to Protect Someone. Roll a plus Tough. 

Jorja/Sassandra: I have a question.

Tyrone/Keeper: Yes?

Jorja/Sassandra: Are the answers to my questions still relevant from Read A Bad Situation?

Tyrone/Keeper: Oh, what were the…?

Jorja/Sassandra: You get a plus one ongoing while the information is relevant.

Tyrone/Keeper: ‘While the information is relevant.’ I would say no because the goat is not currently the harm. It’s not currently the danger because-

Steven/Doug: The danger is Sir Doug. However, by moving to protect me, you do gain experience.

Jorja/Sassandra: I didn’t do that on purpose.

*dice rolls* 

Jorja/Sassandra: I got a nine minus one. Eight. So, ‘I protect them okay, but I suffer all or some of the harm they were going to get.’

Tyrone/Keeper: This falling debris… Do you jump in the way of it?

Jorja/Sassandra: Yes, shield him with my body.

Tyrone/Keeper: You take one harm.

Jorja/Sassandra: I take one less harm because I protected someone. 

Steven/Doug: Protect the nobleman!

Tyrone/Keeper: The hold on the beast is about to break. 

Olive/Hӧde: “Guys, it’s about to move. I have an idea. I don’t think it will like it, though.”

Steven/Doug: “What could go wrong!?” I’m going to charge immediately into danger and stab it again. 

Tyrone/Keeper: You’re in the same danger as before. I don’t think you can milk that again. 

Steven/Doug: But it’s coming undone, so it's a different danger.

Jorja/Sassandra: It's a new danger. 

Steven/Doug: It’s a new danger. New/same danger.

Rosie/Ezra: If I was to summon a monster into the world, would it do as I wanted?

Tyrone/Keeper: You don’t know.

Rosie/Ezra: Okay, I want to summon a monster into the world. 

Jorja/Sassandra: Nani?

Tyrone/Keeper: So, that’s what you’re trying to achieve. How do you do the spell?

Rosie/Ezra: What do you mean?

Tyrone/Keeper: It says, ‘When you Use Magic, say what you’re trying to achieve and how you do the spell, and then roll plus Weird’

Rosie/Ezra: Okay, I’m trying to get another creature into the world to take down this creature because this creature is really big and scary, and so I’ve seen my parents do this before where they bring out a new creature from the thing that we made a pact with, and hopefully that will destroy and not turn on me, and I do it by closing my eyes and harnessing the power that’s in me from this thing, and then push it out with my hands.

Tyrone/Keeper: Yes, give into it. 

Jorja/Sassandra: Yikes.

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Ezra: I got a twelve.

Tyrone/Keeper: Oh shit. ‘The magic works without issue. Choose your effect.’ Which, I believe, is to summon a monster into the world?

Rosie/Ezra: Yes, I’d like to summon a monster. 

Tyrone/Keeper: ‘The Keeper may say that the spell requires you to draw arcane symbols for this spell to work.’

Rosie/Ezra: “No guys, I’m going to do this really cool spell that I’ve seen my parents do, and it’s going to summon this cool thing, and it’s going to help. I’m pretty sure. I hope.” I draw this… It’s a spiral, that’s what it’s called. It’s a spiral, and it’s circular shaped and it keeps going out and out and out and it ends with three dots and then a line and then another three dots. 

Tyrone/Keeper: And then these marks in the sand start to glow with this blue-

Rosie/Ezra: By the way, I want it to be a sea snake that’s in the sand. 

Steven/Doug: So, just a snake.

Rosie/Ezra: Yeah, just like a snake.

Olive/Hӧde: No, it’s a sea snake in the sand! Because desert is technically ocean.

Rosie/Ezra: It’s an ocean without water.

Tyrone/Keeper: They glow a dark blue, like an indigo. Indigo. That’s a good colour, and out from this shape that you’ve created comes a kraken. 

[bestial roar]

Tyrone/Keeper: Your pact is with something of the deep, so…

Rosie/Ezra: That’s a good point. Alright. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Who knows if it’s doing what you want, but its tentacles are searching around and looking for something. It is in the desert, so who knows how long it will survive, but…

Rosie/Ezra: “Everyone, I’ve got us a creature that’s going to help. I’m pretty sure it’s going to help, and onward squid. I don’t know what to do from here, but yeah.”

Olive/Hӧde: “Marvellous. I can’t hold on any longer, so I’m going to try something else here.” The blue energy will dissipate and shoot back into Höde’s hands, where that energy will crackle, and then the colour will then twist into a pitch black before an orange sparks at the centre of his palm, and it’s going to engulf his entire body, and then he is going to climb like a little monkey up alongside the goat, and then will attempt to grab it into a headlock. So, I’m going to Use Magic to do one thing that is beyond human limitations.

Jorja/Sassandra: That would be that, yeah. Can I just say that Sassandra has stopped dead in her tracks at the kraken, and is just, “Woah!”

Tyrone/Keeper: She’s forgotten all about the beast. 

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah.

Tyrone/Keeper: Oh god.

Steven/Doug: Well, she’s seen one of those before. Not a kraken.

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah, fuck that guy. That’s not a cryptid. This is a cryptid. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Roll plus Weird.

Olive/Hӧde: Yep.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Hӧde: Ten!

Tyrone/Keeper: It works without issues. The effect is to do one thing that is beyond human limitations.

Olive/Hӧde: Hell yeah, I climb up. I grab that thing. I twist its neck. I put it into a headlock, and then I use my momentum to fall forward and smack it into the ground. 

Tyrone/Keeper: And this kraken has found its tentacles around its horn, and it’s helping you pull it down.

Olive/Hӧde: “Teamwork makes my dreams happy.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Someone say something? You seeing this?”

Steven/Doug: “Good heavens! Look at the size of those tentacles!”

Rosie/Ezra: Can I Use Magic? I’m going to Use Magic to communicate with something that I do not share the language of. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, go for it.

Rosie/Ezra: Yay! Okay, I want to tell this monster what to do, so I’m going to…

Tyrone/Keeper: How are you going to do the spell?

Rosie/Ezra: Can I just talk to it, or do I need to do a little thingy? I’m going to do a little thingy. What I’m going to do is twirl around in my nice blue dress and flick my hair very majestically, and as I spin there’s going to be this spiralling blue that comes around me and circles up into the air, and then it’s going to shoot into the big squid thing.  

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Sassandra: Can I Help Out?

Rosie/Ezra: I don’t think your help will be enough. I only got a five. 

Tyrone/Keeper: You got a five?

Rosie/Ezra: Yeah.

Olive/Hӧde: You get to earn another experience. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, where’s your sheet? It looks like you’ve just filled out your experience. 

Rosie/Ezra: Yeah.

Tyrone/Keeper: So, you get to level up. Pick a level up right now. 

Rosie/Ezra: Amazing.

Tyrone/Keeper: Go. 

Rosie/Ezra: What do I do?

Olive/Hӧde: It’s on the back. 

Jorja/Sassandra: It’s on the back. 

Rosie/Ezra: Oh. Wow.

Tyrone/Keeper: It’s on the back. You get to pick from this list of things. Not the advanced ones. That’s when you’ve levelled up at least five times. Make sure you pick something good because I get to take a hard move against you.  

Rosie/Ezra: I’m going to pick Hex.

Tyrone/Keeper: You’ve picked up a new move? What is the move?

Rosie/Ezra: Yes. I picked Hex, which is ‘When you cast a spell with Use Magic, as well as the normal effects, you may pick from the following, which is: the target contracts a disease; the target immediately suffers harm (which is two, magic); or the target breaks something sentimental or important. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Okay. You don’t get to use that now because you’ve already done the roll and the effect in order to level up.

Rosie/Ezra: But my talking to that thing just failed, right? So, I go and shoot the magic at it, and then I say, “Okay, so what I want you to do is attack that monster, please and thank you very much.” Thinking that it’s going to work.

Tyrone/Keeper: Two of its tentacles are going to reach out to grab you and pull you in and drag you across the sand and whip you into the air.  

Rosie/Ezra: “Excuse me, this isn’t the way it happened with my parents!”

Olive/Hӧde: I would like to Help Out.

Steven/Doug: ‘Is this what you want, mother?’

Tyrone/Keeper: Help Out? Protect Someone?

Olive/Hӧde: Protect Someone, yeah.

Tyrone/Keeper: While you have this goat in the headlock?

Olive/Hӧde: Yep.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Hӧde: Shit. Nine.

Tyrone/Keeper: ‘You protect them okay, but suffer all or some of the harm they were going to get.’

Olive/Hӧde: Yeah okay, so what I’ll do is - with the goat in the headlock, still using my magic to do something completely baffling to regular schmucks-

Jorja/Sassandra: I’ve seen it before. 

Olive/Hӧde: -I’ll use the momentum from when it fell. It’s body is still up in the air from the impact, and I’ll use that momentum to - when I see the squid grasping at Ezra - I’ll actually use the momentum to lean over and throw the goat over my shoulder to hit against the squid, but in doing so the goat will land on top of me.

Tyrone/Keeper: I guess you are doing something beyond human limits. I was just thinking about the fact that this goat is three storeys tall.   

Olive/Hӧde: Yep.

Tyrone/Keeper: That’s some fucking anime shit. Ezra, you…

Rosie/Ezra: Hello.

Tyrone/Keeper: I’m trying to think. You squished the squid so that it hasn’t had the opportunity to throw her in the air.

Olive/Hӧde: Yeah.

Tyrone/Keeper: In the process, this goat flips over onto its back on top of you, and you take three harm.  

Olive/Hӧde: Ruh roh!

Jorja/Sassandra: Is there a tower nearby?

Tyrone/Keeper: There is a tower nearby. There's the one that already fell, but there is one that is somewhat put together.

Jorja/Sassandra: Okay, I’m going to Act Under Pressure.

Tyrone/Keeper: Do it. You won’t do it, you’re scared.  

Jorja/Sassandra: I’m going to run in front of the tower, and hearing Ezra trying to talk to it, and be like, “Oh no honey. I’ve heard it before. I’ll get it.”

Rosie/Ezra: “No, no. You don’t understand. I’ve got this thing. I can do it, I swear.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “It’s fine,” and I’m going to stand in front of the tower and try to provoke it.

Tyrone/Keeper: Okay.

Jorja/Sassandra: I want it to try and hit near me, and maybe potentially hit the tower to fall on it. 

Tyrone/Keeper: It is upside down on top of Höde, but yes.

Olive/Hӧde: Just a quick note before we go on with that. I’ve decided that I’m going to use my first point of luck to avoid all harm because I’m one harm away from death. 

Jorja/Sassandra: Oh well. You’re not doing so well either, love.

Tyrone/Keeper: That’s a good play. This will anger your sect.

Olive/Hӧde: Ah well, fuck them. What have they been doing for me lately? Probably some things. Probably a lot of things.

Tyrone/Keeper: Roll plus Cool.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Hӧde: Eight. 

Tyrone/Keeper: ‘On a seven to nine, the Keeper is going to give you a worse outcome, hard choice, or price to pay.’ I’m curious how you prevented this harm. I guess that you rolled out of the way at the last second.

Olive/Hӧde: Yeah, in my mind it was because I was using its head, right? I roll it over and the horn sticks me, but I manage to roll out of the way of the horn.

Tyrone/Keeper: So, the goat is going to roll over, see Sassandra jumping up and down and waving her arms in front of the…?

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah, making goat noises. Please put them in. 

Tyrone/Keeper: I will.

[goat bleat]

Tyrone/Keeper: As it gets up and it’s looking at you, sizing you up, you realise just how large it is as you’re standing right in front of it, and your worse outcome, hard choice, or price to pay is that you probably don’t think that you will have the time to get out of the way. So, you’ll suffer harm, but it will still run into the tower.  

Olive/Hӧde: Can I try to Help Out? Is that allowed? Can I do that?

Tyrone/Keeper: Give it a go.

Olive/Hӧde: Okay, so I need to roll Cool. Cool is not super cool for me, but we'll try it out anyway. Anyway.

Jorja/Sassandra: Imagine that.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Hӧde: Oh, that was almost so fucking cool. Damn it. Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it. That’s an eight, so my help grants them plus one to their roll, but I have a Helping Hand. SO, ‘When I successfully help out another hunter, they get a plus two instead of the usual plus one.’ So, yours is now a ten, but I expose myself to trouble or danger.

Jorja/Sassandra: Yay!

Rosie/Ezra: Oohoo, exposing. 

Olive/Hӧde: So, what I do is it basically rolls over onto its back, and I also do the same - roll over onto my back - and I see you out of the corner of my eye doing a big dance, and so I go, “Go on boy. Get her.” My hand goes up and smacks its leg, which causes it to disorientate as it starts to run and gets all wobbly in the knee.

Jorja/Sassandra: Just the one knee.

Olive/Hӧde: Yeah, it’s doing the stanky leg on its way over to you. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Alright, so you’ve hit it on the way past, and so it is going to trample you on the way past because of how close you are to it, but yes, your trajectory is off so it can hit the tower, but you’re able to roll out of the way safely, Sassandra. And you take two harm from being trampled underneath this.

Olive/Hӧde: I can manage that. I’m unstable.

Tyrone/Keeper: You’re going to duck and roll at the last second?

Jorja/Sassandra: Yes. Initiate evasive manoeuvre six. It’s in the handbook.

Tyrone/Keeper: The cryptid handbook?

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah. 

Tyrone/Keeper: It hits the tower and, *imitates the tower falling and crashing into the ground* into the goat. It takes harm, but it’s also hit its horn, and one of the horns, a third of it has chipped off, and so there’s part of one of its horns chipped on the side.

Jorja/Sassandra: Can I take that?

Tyrone/Keeper: Yes.

Jorja/Sassandra: Brain blast. If I were to use a horn to stab it, would it be Kick Some Ass?

Tyrone/Keeper: It would be.

Jorja/Sassandra: I will Kick Some Ass!

Tyrone/Keeper: Give it a go with the Tough.

Jorja/Sassandra: Yes, with Tough.

Steven/Doug: Did you want to hand the horn to me and I stab it?

Jorja/Sassandra: Well, I don’t know where you are.

Steven/Doug: I’m unstable.

Tyrone/Keeper: Well then, why would you do it? You’re going to get hit and die.

Jorja/Sassandra: No, I will hand the horn to Doug.

Tyrone/Keeper: Sir Doug, you’ve been hobbling over from the pit slowly over here.

Steven/Doug: “*groaning* ‘Tis but a flesh wound.”

Jorja/Sassandra: “Here, take this! Stab it more.”

Steven/Doug: “Ooo, jolly good.” 

*dice rolls*

Steven/Doug: That would be a twelve.  

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah, brother.

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, ‘On a ten plus, choose one extra effect.’

Steven/Doug: I inflict terrible harm.

Tyrone/Keeper: You inflict terrible harm? So, plus one harm?

Steven/Doug: Yep.

Tyrone/Keeper: With this weapon that you don’t know how much damage it does.

Steven/Doug: Yep.

Tyrone/Keeper: It did not like that. It seemed to cut into its hide very easily, and blood is gushing out of the puncture wound.

Olive/Hӧde: How much harm did it do?

Tyrone/Keeper: You’ve dealt four harm to it, ignore armour.  

Steven/Doug: “Oh, good heavens.”

Jorja/Sassandra: ‘Great heavens.’

Tyrone/Keeper: You’ve dealt damage to it, and it’s kicked up a fuss because of that, and it’s reared up its hooves to smack you with it.

Jorja/Sassandra: “Not Sir Doug!” I’m going to Protect Someone.

Tyrone/Keeper: Do it.

Steven/Doug: “Guards! Guard me.”

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Sassandra: Seven.

Steven/Doug: Wait, that’s less!?

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah.

[laughter]

Steven/Doug: The jellyfish has come to protect me. 

Jorja/Sassandra: Are you protected or not?

Steven/Doug: I don’t think so.

Jorja/Sassandra: You are.

Steven/Doug: Oh, okay.  

Tyrone/Keeper: I believe you mark experience.

Jorja/Sassandra: Yes.

Steven/Doug: I’m Always The Victim.

Tyrone/Keeper: I believe you’ve levelled up as well.

Jorja/Sassandra: I have!

Tyrone/Keeper: You’re milking that fucking dry. 

Jorja/Sassandra: I’ve only done it twice. No, for real.

Tyrone/Keeper: Quick, level up. What are you going to pick?

Jorja/Sassandra: Fuck. I’m going to gain one Sharp to a max of plus three.  Oh, I’m at a max of plus three with that. 

Steven/Doug: ‘Oh, so sharp. You’re sharpening your pencils? Sharpening them up? Getting them nice and sharp? Ooo god, that’s sharp.’

Tyrone/Keeper: I like that. You gained plus one Sharp just in time to be trampled by hooves as you take two harm.

Jorja/Sassandra: I take one harm.  

Steven/Doug: I see your two harm and I raise you one harm.

Jorja/Sassandra: Ooo, my first harm. How exciting. I’m doing okay.

Tyrone/Keeper: The beast is rampaging, and it is going to try to start burrowing into a hole. 

Jorja/Sassandra: You whore!

Olive/Hӧde: I’m going to… Oh god, this is going to suck ass, but oh well. I see it trying to burrow away, and I say, “Stop! We can’t let it get away!” I’ll be running like this cool slow-motion scene where he’s kicking up sand and he’s got his hands stretched out, and there’s this blue pulsing energy crackling, and he’s trying to reach out again.

Steven/Doug: What’s your Cool?

Olive/Hӧde: Zero. Middle of the road Cool. 

Steven/Doug: So, you think you’re cool. 

Olive/Hӧde: I inherit too cool for this move!

Tyrone/Keeper: What are you doing?

Olive/Hӧde: I’m going to Use Magic to try and trap it again.

Tyrone/Keeper: Oh damn, okay.

Olive/Hӧde: Yeah.

Tyrone/Keeper: Roll a Use Magic.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Sassandra: Shall I help out?

Olive/Hӧde: We got it, love. A ten. Thank you though, I appreciate it. 

Jorja/Sassandra: Oh, you're fine.

Tyrone/Keeper: ‘The magic works without issue. Choose your effect.’ Trap it.

Olive/Hӧde: Trapped!

Tyrone/Keeper: You’ve learned from your mistake last time of doing the incantation, and you’re able to trap it without trapping you, and so its head is in the ground burrowing, but its arse is up in the air. 

Olive/Hӧde: “Alright, quick. Stab it!”

Rosie/Ezra: I’m going to Use Magic. Just to inflict harm. I’m going to twirl around again, and these sharp daggers appear in my hands, and I shoot them at it.

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Ezra: That’s a nine.

Jorja/Sassandra: Can I Help Out?

Tyrone/Keeper: How do you Help Out?

Jorja/Sassandra: I’m going to help her twirl because that’s the bit I remember.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Sassandra: Oh, that’d be a thirteen.  

Tyrone/Keeper: I’m picturing The Titanic. You come up behind her and lift her up in the air and twirl around together.

Jorja/Sassandra: Yep.

Rosie/Ezra: How romantic. 

Tyrone/Keeper: So, that boosts it to a ten, which is good because there is no glitch.

Rosie/Ezra: Okay, so I’m just inflicting harm, which is just one harm, but with Hex I think I want the target to contract a disease.

Tyrone/Keeper: What sort of disease?

Jorja/Sassandra: Is there a disease that makes someone’s horns fall off?

Olive/Hӧde: There’s a certain… Haemo… What did you say before? What’s that? No, isn’t that where it makes you bleed profusely? No, what is that disease called?

Steven/Doug: Haemophilia. 

Olive/Hӧde: Haemophilia. Give it haemophilia. It’s going to bleed out.

Rosie/Ezra: Yeah, I think I’m going to give it haemophilia.

Steven/Doug: It’s already got multiple stab wounds.

Tyrone/Keeper: Me, as the theatre kid, that makes it not clot blood easy?

Jorja/Sassandra: Yes, specific white blood cells.

Rosie/Ezra: Blood go gush.

Tyrone/Keeper: I think this will be a slow death for it unless you help it die, but it is continuing to bleed. 

Steven/Doug: It was already bleeding.

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah.

Steven/Doug: It can’t stop.  

Tyrone/Keeper: You’re just going to stand there and watch it bleed out? You’re like, ‘Yes.’

Jorja/Sassandra: I would like to point out that it is much more intense than that. 

Olive/Hӧde: Yeah, people have almost bled out from papercuts. 

Jorja/Sassandra: Yeah, we can just punch it and it’ll swell.

Steven/Doug: Internal bleeding is also a thing.

Tyrone/Keeper: Yes.

Olive/Hӧde: Quick, punch him.  

Steven/Doug: Has anyone got a blunt object?

Jorja/Sassandra: I do have a heavy flashlight, which is a lantern.

Steven/Doug: I would like to stab it with its horn again.

Tyrone/Keeper: Roll to Kick Some Ass.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Sassandra: Do you need some help?

Tyrone/Keeper: This is a good idea, but just a reminder that it can’t die unless it dies to its weakness.

Jorja/Sassandra: Would you like some help?

Steven/Doug: I don’t know. Can you help a four?

Jorja/Sassandra: You get experience.

Tyrone/Keeper: You could use a luck.

Steven/Doug: To do what?

Jorja/Sassandra: You could make it a twelve.

Steven/Doug: But then I don’t get experience.

Tyrone/Keeper: It’s your choice to make.

Steven/Doug: No, I want experience. Fuck this, I’m a chaos goblin.

Tyrone/Keeper: How much health have you got?

Steven/Doug: Three.

Tyrone/Keeper: Interesting. You’ve gone to stab it, and what? Tripped and fell right underneath its hooves?

Steven/Doug: “Oh, good heavens.”

Jorja/Sassandra: Protect Someone.

*dice rolls*

Jorja/Sassandra: Seven. This is fucked.

Tyrone/Keeper: You take another two harm from the hooves crushing beneath you.

Jorja/Sassandra: One harm.

Tyrone/Keeper: Yes, you do.

Olive/Hӧde: I’m going to rush over and kneel besides Sir Doug. “Suir Doug, you look hurt. Here, I’ll help,” and reach down with both my hands, and there’s this deep green, fickle energy that sprawls from the fingertips that lapses over your body, and it suddenly turns to this bright, spotted green toxin that seeps into your skin. I’m going to heal you for one health.

Steven/Doug: That’s horrifying.

Olive/Hӧde: Yeah, I know.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Hӧde: So, you don’t heal, but I level up. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Pick your move while I’m deciding a hard move.

Olive/Hӧde: Oh shit. Well, I might fucking die, but oh well. I levelled up. I will take plus one Weird to get a maximum of plus 3 Weird. 

Tyrone/Keeper: You’re concentrating on your magic, so you’ve accidentally let down your guard and let down your hold spell on it, and so it’s going to take you down into the burrow with it.  

Olive/Hӧde: Oh shit. “Oh, I’m sorry. That magic didn’t-”

Steven/Doug: I’m going to stifle a vomit from the spotted green magic, as it was described.

Olive/Hӧde: It’s kind of like a fairy green, you know? Misty magic.   

Steven/Doug: Oh, okay.

Olive/Hӧde: Yeah because it’s got a deep toxin. This is irrelevant.

Steven/Doug: Yeah. Deeply disturbed.

Olive/Hӧde: Yes.

Tyrone/Keeper: Höde is in the hole.

Olive/Hӧde: “*yelling, getting quieter as if falling down a big hole*”  

Jorja/Sassandra: Is this a hole that goes straight down as well?

Tyrone/Keeper: Yes.

Jorja/Sassandra: Fuck. 

Rosie/Ezra: Can I just attack it with magic again? Avoiding Höde.

Tyrone/Keeper: You can attempt to. 

Rosie/Ezra: Okay.

Tyrone/Keeper: You’re going to throw your daggers at it again?

Rosie/Ezra: Yeah, I spin around and throw daggers again.

*dice rolls*

Rosie/Ezra: That is an eight.

Tyrone/Keeper: Eight. ‘It works imperfectly. Choose your effect,’ which is to inflict harm, and a glitch.

Rosie/Ezra: The glitch is that the magic draws immediate, unwelcome attention, and also, it’s going to get an extra two harm. So, three harm total from Hex.

Tyrone/Keeper: And that extra harm ignores armour as well?

Rosie/Ezra: Yep.

Tyrone/Keeper: ‘Immediate, unwelcome attention…’

Rosie/Ezra: That was my thought. 

Jorja/Sassandra: It is unwelcome.

Rosie/Ezra: What’s that squid doing?

Jorja/Sassandra: Why’d you bring that up?

Tyrone/Keeper: It is squished from the beast landing on it.

Rosie/Ezra: Oh, sad. 

Steven/Doug: Calamari!

Tyrone/Keeper: And the unwelcome attention is that you’re going to feel the earth tremor, and it will cause you to fall over and take negative one ongoing as you’re shaking and unable to concentrate. 

Rosie/Ezra: Okay.

Jorja/Sassandra: So, Höde is in the hole, and we can’t see the goat or Höde?

Tyrone/Keeper: They’re still heading down, so you can still see them before they disappear if you act fast enough. 

Jorja/Sassandra: I will also Use Magic.

Tyrone/Keeper: Okay.

Jorja/Sassandra: I will do one thing that is beyond human limitations. I want to telekinesis that part of the horn that’s in Doug’s hands down into the goat. 

Steven/Doug: Do I have the ability to let go?

Jorja/Sassandra: Like, emotionally?

Steven/Doug: Absolutely not.

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, you have the ability to let go.

Steven/Doug: Oh, thank god. 

Tyrone/Keeper: You have the ability to telekinesis. We know that you have magic, so that makes sense. How do you do the spell?

Steven/Doug: Before you do the spell, can I help?

Tyrone/Keeper: Sure, roll both at the same time.

Steven/Doug: I have to roll Cool. Shit.

*dice rolls*

Steven/Doug: Level up!

Tyrone/Keeper: What did you roll?

Steven/Doug: I rolled a three. 

Jorja/Sassandra: I rolled an eight.

Tyrone/Keeper: How do you do the spell?

Jorja/Sassandra: I’m going to put my arms out, and that beautiful dress that I had on, that’s all raggedy and stuff, it turns into very raggedy, malformed, misshapen, really badly attached moth wings, and my eyes glow red, and I get really big, and I’m kind of bad at it, so I have to use my hand to guide it. I can’t do it all in my mind.   

Tyrone/Keeper: And what is your glitch that you get for rolling an eight?

Jorja/Sassandra: I don’t know. I will just take one harm. I assume it’s a Jean Grey situation where I use my powers too much all at once, and I get a migraine. 

Tyrone/Keeper: You let the figure into your being a little too much. It takes over a little bit.

Jorja/Sassandra: Yes. There’s a lot of emotional harm going on.

Tyrone/Keeper: Alright, Doug, you’ve rolled a fail on a Help Out.

Steven/Doug: What?

Jorja/Sassandra: When?

Steven/Doug: I don’t know magic. It’s weird.

Tyrone/Keeper: You’ve gone to run to help Sass, and then Sass has turned into this entity, and you’re like-

Steven/Doug: Fuck no, baby!

Tyrone/Keeper: You back up a little bit, but you accidentally back up into the hole and fall into the hole as well.

Jorja/Sassandra: You should have just held on. 

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah.

Steven/Doug: I wanted to fail. Now I get punished for getting what I wanted. 

Tyrone/Keeper: How did you level up? What did you pick on your level up?

Steven/Doug: I don’t know. I’m still looking.

Tyrone/Keeper: However, this horn guides its way down to you as you’re getting ready for this big punch. This horn has clattered down beside you next to the beast.

Olive/Hӧde: Let’s go out with a bang. Let’s inflict some harm. Can I be a little greedy?

Tyrone/Keeper: Sure.

Olive/Hӧde: Can I enchant the horn?

Tyrone/Keeper: Okay. 

Olive/Hӧde: Sick.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Hӧde: That’s thirteen.

Tyrone/Keeper: ‘The magic works without issues. Choose your effect.’ Enchant a weapon. 

Olive/Hӧde: There’s this pulse of dark yellow-goldesque energy that brandishes against the horn that makes it bright in this dimly lit cave - or hole - and I’ll grasp it, and I’ll pull it back, and I will stab it.

Tyrone/Keeper: Oh, I see. Now you’re doing Kick Some Ass.  

Olive/Hӧde: Now I’m going to Kick Some Ass. Now I’m getting ready for an ass-kicking. No, I’m not ready for an ass-kicking. I’m going to kick some ass. I’m going to roll.

*dice rolls*

Olive/Hӧde: Eleven.

Tyrone/Keeper: On a Kick Some Ass, you choose one extra effect.

Olive/Hӧde: I inflict terrible harm. Plus one harm. I stab into it, and then I corked through the horn deeper inside it. All the while humming deeply, “*hums*”.

Tyrone/Keeper: So, you have inflicted six harm upon this beast.

Olive/Hӧde: Oui.

Tyrone/Keeper: It had one harm left. 

Olive/Hӧde: Overkill. I like it.

Tyrone/Keeper: It does, however, deal damage back to you, which is three points with its horns.

Olive/Hӧde: I’m dead.

Rosie/Ezra: Wait. Can I protect?

Tyrone/Keeper: If only there was one thing that could possibly save you.  

Jorja/Sassandra: Like one less harm.

Tyrone/Keeper: Like luck. 

Jorja/Sassandra: Oh, and that. 

Olive/Hӧde: Oh, but I’ve already used a luck. Oh fuck. Yeah, alright. Can I have that? Thank you.

Tyrone/Keeper: It’s either that or you’re dead. 

Olive/Hӧde: Yeah, that’s very true. I don’t know if I could handle making another character. I’ve just kind of gotten used to this one. 

Tyrone/Keeper: You stab into the belly of the beast, and its horns - or what is left of them - is stopped spinning and drilling as it slowly bleeds out and goes limp. 

Olive/Hӧde: Alright. I look up. “Guys! I think it’s dead.”

Steven/Doug: “Höde, can you kindly remove your elbow from my side? It’s digging into my ribcage.”

Olive/Hӧde: ”Oh, Sir Doug. I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there.”

Steven/Doug: “Yes, it’s quite dark in here, and - as a human - I don’t have darkvision. What’s your excuse?”

Olive/Hӧde: I’ll scoop him into my arms.

Steven/Doug: “Somebody help.” 

Olive/Hӧde: I’ll hold him and be like, “I’m so sorry, Sir. Please, I'll make it up to you. I promise.”

Steven/Doug: “I don’t think that’ll be necessary. Somebody come and help me out of this hole.”

Jorja/Sassandra: You’re still falling I’m pretty sure.

Steven/Doug: Oh, are we?

Tyrone/Keeper: Yeah, like the beast is still in the hole digging downwards, but you’ve hit its bum. 

Olive/Hӧde: You fall, we hit it, and we keep falling down. 

Tyrone/Keeper: A portal, akin somewhat to the one that appeared above the sun temple but much smaller - much more human-sized - is going to appear at the bottom of the hole where you two are.

[magical chiming]

Tyrone/Keeper: And a hand is going to reach out of it and grab Höde and drag him in and seal back up.

Olive/Hӧde: “Sir Doug!”

Steven/Doug: ‘I’m so sorry, but I’m playing an arsehole.’

Tyrone/Keeper: And as the hole is closing up, you two (being Sir Doug and Höde), you can faintly hear the words:

Tyrone/Voice: Höde, you have some explaining to do.

[fanfare]

Theme Song: [rock music plays]

Finding home in the belly of the beast, to make it home we can’t accept defeat, so roll the dice and come along with me, finding home in the belly of the beast

Tyrone/Keeper: Thank you so much for listening to Portal Quandary. Portal Quandary is made possible by the following people: Myself, Tyrone Cross as The Keeper, Editing, and Community Manager, Steven Edwards as Doug, Olive Jerome as Höde, Rosemary Ochtman as Ezra, and Jorja Odd as Sassandra. Elias Moffat is our content producer, narrative consultant, and transcriber, and that theme song is Belly of the Beast by Lily Harnath and Henry Luca. We’re on the lookout for a couple of people to join the team as a Community Manager, Transcriber, and as an Editing Assistant, so if any of those sound like you please send us an email or slide into our DMs. We’re also on a bunch of social media now, including Instagram, Tik Tok, Facebook, Threads, and our newly launched Patreon, all of which are @portalquandary. Q-U-A-N-D-A-R-Y. This podcast was recorded on the lands of the Wurundjeri people, and produced on the lands of the Awabakal, and Wurundjeri people. Portal Quandary acknowledges and pays respect to our traditional custodians and to their past and present leaders. 

Theme Song: [rock music continues]

Finding home in the belly of the beast, (in the belly of the beast), to make it home we can’t accept defeat, (there’s no turning back) so roll the dice and come along with me, (come along with me, let’s go), finding home in the belly of the beast.  

Steven/Doug: You can do it in your normal voice.

Olive/Hӧde: Splendiferous! Thank you so much, sir. I appreciate the virtue. So, hello, I’m Olive. This is my normal voice. 

-

Rosie/Ezra: Umm, how do you get harm? Because there’s a harm box.

Jorja/Sassandra: I’ll show you. 

Rosie/Ezra: Hit me. Go on.

-

Olive/Hӧde: “I left my mallet on the cart, but…”

[papers rustling]

Steven/Doug: What is it? What is it, boy? What does your character sheet say?

-

Olive/Hӧde: And I’ll begin humming. You hear it from his chest first. This low: *begins humming but his voice becomes strained. Clears throat.* Sorry, sorry. Take it again! Take it again!