Jayden's Story: Navigating Faith Crises

Struggling with faith and identity is a journey many of us know too well, and it’s at the heart of our latest episode featuring Jayden, whose path to spiritual awakening is as unconventional as it is moving. As we peel back the layers of his story, Jayden reveals the pressures of early church experiences, the alienation fueled by bullying, and the transformative rediscovery of his spirituality amid the isolation of a global pandemic. His candid sharing is a vivid illustration of the complex dance between doubt and devotion, a testament to the resilience of the human spirit.

Our conversation with Jayden dives into the grit of navigating faith through life’s tumultuous waves. The internal battles, the juxtaposing lifestyles, and the piercing loneliness that can accompany a crisis of faith are all laid bare. But it's in the vulnerability of this disclosure where we find a shared strength, a communal solace. Jayden's account of wrestling with his testimony amidst family dynamics, and his eventual emergence as a beacon of hope and leadership within his church, is nothing short of inspiring. His personal transformation underscores the power of service and the profound impact of embracing one's spiritual journey.

The episode closes on a note of contemplation, as we tackle the arduous task of navigating through our darkest times. Jayden's experiences with caring for others, sometimes at the expense of his own well-being, serve as an intimate lesson in the fine art of balancing self-care with the care of others. His past as a bully turned seeker of redemption is a poignant reminder that grace is not just a gift, but a promise available to all. And through the trials, faith shines as an unwavering source of strength, illuminating our imperfections and guiding us towards a life filled with purpose and connection.

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 The Inspiration by Keys of Moon | https://soundcloud.com/keysofmoon Attribution 4.0 International (CC BY 4.0) https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/ Music promoted by https://www.chosic.com/free-music/all/ 

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:23

Hey, what's going, guys? Welcome back to the Remember Podcast. I'm your host, dallian Buechler, and we have a great episode for you guys today. We have Michaela joining with me today and we have an awesome guest, amazing guest. I was just joking with these two that I don't have that good of vocabulary words, and so I'm working on it, guys, don't worry. But, michaela, feel free to introduce our guest.

Speaker 2: 0:49

Yeah, so today we have Jayden. He's a very inspirational and amazing oh my gosh, I said that to a young man.

Speaker 3: 0:58

Amazing, I think amazing.

Speaker 2: 1:01

We're so excited to have him on here and just have a good discussion and talk about his testimony and where he's headed in life and really get to the nitty gritty of it all. So, Jaden, if you want to go ahead and share your story.

Speaker 3: 1:17

So thank you so much, guys, for letting me come on, and I sure love you both already. You guys are awesome and amazing. Come on, and I sure love you both. Already. You guys are awesome and amazing. But I was born in the church. Both my parents were active when I was born and I remember feeling the spirit often when I was a kid. Especially walking home from church with my dad was actually when I remember feeling the spirit the most.

Speaker 3: 1:44

And shortly after I was baptized I got baptized honestly because everyone else was also doing it and I just felt out of place if I would say no. I remember sitting actually across from my bishop and my parents and they kind of looked at me and they're like well, if you don't want to be baptized yet, you can say no. And I just felt like I needed to because everyone else was kind of getting it done and it was kind of recommended that you do it at eight really. So I just got it done because everyone else was. And then, shortly after I was baptized, we decided to move to a different town. It was still in the same county but it was in a different town where I knew one other person in the entire school and the one other person honestly didn't really like me that much and then the entire school kind of was, it was very excluded. So I didn't make many friends real fast and I really didn't keep any friends and so it was really hard.

Speaker 3: 2:50

And then I started to experience some bullying, um, from a lot of the ones that were actually in my own quorum, um, in my boy scouts program especially. Uh, I felt like they were my friends at church because they needed to be, but then once they went to school they didn't want anything to do with me and I didn't like that fakeness. So I I slowly started to leave but my parents kept pushing me to go and then, uh about I remember about 10 years old, I just I just started throwing the biggest tantrums I could, yelling top of the lungs, with my parents just fighting every time they wanted me to go to a church activity and especially the Scouts days. I hated Scouts so much because of those people and I didn't feel like I belonged, so I hated it even more because I already felt like I didn't belong. And then I started to experience really bad depression and anxiety and it just increased worse as I went to school and didn't have many friends and didn't have many people at church who I even felt like I could go to. And then we moved to a different ward, still in the same town, and that ward was way better than the last one, but still kind of the same thing, and those kids were the popular kids at school, so they were really not wanting anything to do with me especially. And around then I started to listen to Thomas S Monson and he was really the only person that I wanted to listen to from the church. I didn't want to associate with the church at all unless it was Thomas S Monson.

Speaker 3: 4:35

And then in 2018, when Thomas S Monson passed away, or 2018, sorry, when Thomas S Monson passed away, I officially left and I said there is absolutely nothing I want to associate with the church. I denied multiple times out loud. To everyone who asked if I was a member, I said no. Everyone who even asked if I had previously been a member, I said no because I didn't want anything to do with the church and I had so much hate for it, and especially the Scouts program and the young men's program. And then for about two years I started to live this kind of party style life where the way the world saw happiness was the way I wanted to be. Because I wanted to be successful in the world's eyes, because as a kid I didn't get that. I was that weird kid that had just moved in town, so I wanted to prove to everybody I could be that cool kid with the best looking girls and the best looking parties and the funnest people and I started to associate with the wrong uh, wrong crowd a lot.

Speaker 3: 5:47

And then uh, 2020 rolls around, um with the uh COVID and I'm at home and got a lot more free time and I started working at a friend's ranch who's in my ward and he he was a he's a very active member and I started to listen to Jeffrey R Holland talks. At night I would go home and I'd listen to a Jeffrey R Holland talk and then after that I listened to Dieter Fuchdorf and then Henry B Eyring and then those just little short versions and I remember feeling the spirit for the first time and sometimes I'd start at 11 o'clock at night and I'd go until 4 or 5 in the morning just listening to these talks that Jeffrey or Holland or Thomas S Monson had gave and I really felt the spirit. And then one day the high school that's when I was just going into high school was in 2020. And I had a bunch of friends tell me you need to take seminary. And I was like, well, what is it? And they said it's church at school. And I was still inactive at this time. I didn't want anything to do with the church still, and I said that's the last thing I want. I hate school and I hate church. I don't want to have two of those. So then I slowly kind of thought about it and then I was praying and I always knew, even though, how much I hated the church, I always knew there was a Heavenly Father and I knew there was heaven and I knew there was a Christ. So I was still praying at the time and I kind of prayed about it.

Speaker 3: 7:18

But I don't remember ever getting a sure witness about taking seminary. But I did ever getting a sure witness about taking seminary. But I did. And the first day you show up and there's a bunch of names on the wall of what classroom you're supposed to be in and I was looking for my name and my name wasn't on any. So I went to the line where you were to meet with the secretary and she was going to tell me what class I was supposed to be in. So I I got, I was at the very end of the line and the whole hour was going by. And I just remember hearing over and over, I remember hearing just leave, just go, just go talk to the counselors, they'll move your class, just drop out of seminary. And I still stayed in the line and I got to the secretary and she, uh, was pulling up my name and everything and the bell rang for the end of the day and all of a sudden Brother Dunn walked out and he walked out and he kind of started some small talk with me and she was looking for my name and she goes, okay, I gotcha. And she goes, now, what class should I put you in? And Brother Dunn immediately said, without hesitation, put him in mine. And I just thought, oh, that's cool. And I remember walking away that day and as I was walking out the doors of the seminary building, I felt the same feeling in my chest, like a light was there, like I had felt with those talks from Jeffrey R Holland, like this was a good thing and this is what I needed to do.

Speaker 3: 8:43

And so two weeks in Brother Dunn's class, I had never understood the scriptures. If there was one thing I couldn't understand, it was at least the scriptures. I never read the Book of Mormon, never read parts of it. I had one that I got given at baptism but it hadn't been open since baptism day probably. And I went and I was.

Speaker 3: 9:07

We were covering the Book of Mormon that year in seminary and Brother Dunn was teaching about Alma and Moroni and all these amazing people and I was just like oh, wow, like okay, maybe I can, and I started understanding them and he taught in a way that I really understood it. And then I, about two weeks in Brother Dunn's class, I remember I was sitting three seats, three seats back and four rows over, and I was sitting in that moment and I remember he was talking about the Book of Mormon and I had a strong impression from the Spirit saying this is true and this church is true, and the Book of Mormon is true, and this church is true, and the Book of Mormon is true and the gospel is true.

Speaker 3: 9:47

And since then it hasn't been sunshine and rainbows. Since that moment, I had a fight for probably a year still, and during that time, I was still hanging out with rough crowds, rough people, going to these inappropriate, not gospel-friendly parties, inappropriate, not gospel-friendly parties. I had a lot of friends who drank. I had a lot of friends who would hook up with girls on weekends or on days and I remember at these parties, in the moment I was at these parties, I felt like I belonged, I felt like I was loved and needed and these people were amazing people and I still wish the best for them and they were really true friends. But I just understood, I was like this is not what I want and it was 2022. And I was in seminary for a year and I was still living those party lifestylesles and still hanging out with those inappropriate parties. And I remember, after one instance, one of the parties, I left home and I was sitting at home and I just felt this empty feeling and I just kind of, for some reason, thought well, when I leave seminary I always feel full, when I leave these parties, I feel empty. So my bishop and me had a meeting one day and he recommended that I get my patriarchal blessing. And I said okay, and I got it. And I remember in that moment it told me that I was to have a calling one day that I needed to prepare for, and I had this huge spirit confirm to me that it was true. But then my mind immediately thought we need to clean up our act. So I started to cancel some of the parties I was attending, started to push away some of those inappropriate friends, started going to church a lot more and started to read my scriptures every now and then, even if it was just in seminary or on my phone, and I listened to conference talks a lot more. And then I got called to be the president of my seminary class.

Speaker 3: 12:03

And in my family we never shared our feelings. We never shared anything, because if you shared a positive feeling you got attacked, and if you shared a negative feeling then you got attacked. It was either way, and they wanted to hit you down and then they'd build you up, but then they'd hit you back down and I remember being so scared to share my testimony because your testimony is one of the most powerful feelings you'll ever have and I just remember being so scared. But then I was in that call for about half a year and then I got called to seminary council and that calling was amazing and I got to help so many others be able to build their own testimony of the Savior and I got to share my testimony multiple times and do devotionals and talks and sacrament meetings and firesides. And I was mentioning to you guys before we got started I don't think there is a better feeling in this world than when you can be the answer to someone else's prayers or when someone can come up to you and say that they felt the spirit through what you were saying. And there were multiple times that I just had these kids come up to me and they were crying and I don't even remember what I said in the devotional or in the talk and I remember when they came up and cried and they were just telling me that's what they had been praying for for years or months or days or just in that day, and how much a hug to them meant how much a hello and just being able to be that servant to the Lord and being able to help people understand the Christ. I had come to know Because about last year in January I started to experience very bad anxiety attacks and this was when I was on seminary council bad anxiety attacks, and this was when I was on seminary council and I had mentioned how I dealt with mental health as a kid.

Speaker 3: 14:11

And when I dealt with it as a kid it was for years and it was even to the point that I was suicidal for a few years. But I thought because I was in the gospel, my testimony was strong, I was serving, I was doing all these amazing things. I didn't think I could have mental health struggles again. And so I was sitting there one day and I just realized that I had a counselor and my principal at the time is a really good friend and she told me. She said you can't be doing these devotionals and talks and then have an anxiety attack and get rushed out. So I decided to go public with it and I started doing a lot of my talks about how I was struggling with mental health, even though I looked like I was doing OK and people saw me waving and smiling at these devotionals. But then they had no idea that, like a few minutes before that, um brother dunn and a few other, the seminary teachers, had to hold me up because I was about to fall down because of how bad the anxiety and depression got.

Speaker 3: 15:14

And it got to the point where one day I was um, a little suicidal, or even a lot suicidal, and I remember I was praying one night and I just said, okay, god and Christ, why, why did you leave me? What did I do? Did I? Did I not share my testimony enough? I have a powerful testimony, I'm in the gospel, I'm doing all these amazing things. Why in the world did you leave me? And all of a sudden, in that moment, jesus Christ, I felt his spirit and I just felt these arms wrap around me and I heard the spirit whisper. I've never laughed. I've been here the whole time. And then in my mind I started to look back on the previous months of when Heavenly Father had really watched out for me and been there, and when the Savior was being my strength. And that's when I truly came to know the power, that the atonement was not just repentance, because when I repented in those party days I did feel forgiven and I always thought the atonement was just for repentance.

Speaker 3: 16:19

But then as I went through the mental health and the emotional health and the spiritual struggles, I learned that Jesus Christ felt all of those too. And I was just preparing for a devotional about a few months ago and it was to cover Gethsemane, and I was reading and it's in Matthew 26, 38, and it's when Jesus Christ is going into Gethsemane and I was reading about it to write this talk about Gethsemane a little bit more. And it says Then saith he unto them, my soul is exceedingly sorrowful, even unto death. And as I was reading that I remember I sat back in my chair and I said Jesus Christ felt anxiety when he went into Gethsemane. And then I had the prompting and the spirit just tell me, no, he felt not just his anxiety, but he felt your anxiety, he felt your friend's anxiety. He felt, and it went down almost the list, everybody that I could think of your friend's anxiety. He felt and it went down almost the list, everybody that I could think of.

Speaker 3: 17:29

And I just understood that the Savior has really been my rock and I mentioned how I knew him and I knew he existed and I knew God existed and I knew there was a heaven when I was little, but I didn't know who Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father were until I came back to the church, until I learned about who they were and until my testimony was actually tested. That's when I figured out who Jesus Christ was and Heavenly Father. Christ has definitely been my strength and been my rock through all of the hard challenges mental health, just rough days in general. I've had a lot of health scares the last year and he's been by my side through all of it and he's been that person that I can go to when it seems like no one else is there and it feels like Satan's one, when I can look back and see Jesus Christ's sacrifice and the crucifixion but Him rising again and that due to Him rising, I can overcome anything through Him too.

Speaker 2: 18:41

So that's about it wow, thank you so much. That was so inspirational and I definitely felt like those feelings too, and I know so many people that have as well. And it is a very isolating feeling to have to put on that face, you know, and especially when you're put into callings, like last episode we talked about doing the things that we may not feel capable doing, but god wants you to be available for those things and sometimes you put on that face right, and that can be so hard because deep down, you know, maybe part of you does, don't, doesn't feel that for yourself, but God is asking you to be that vocal, like those vocals and everything for people to hear. That right, and even on the podcast I hear people say stuff and I say stuff and even when I'm saying it, I know deep down, like you know, I know these things but at at the same time, it's so conflicting because I feel you know that opposition and you know there has to be the opposition in all things and we, in order to be a stronger mouthpiece for god, to be a stronger oh my god, stronger, um, like disciple and testament of who god is, sometimes we need to struggle and really, really, really like, know what it's like, maybe, not to be healed at that moment, to know what it's to have that, those moments of silence, to know what it's like to be isolated. But then again, because of those moments, we understand more of who God can be in our lives.

Speaker 2: 20:35

And it's not just he didn't just go in and feel, like you said, like his anxiety. He didn't go in to feel oh, I felt a bucket of anxiety for like just anxiety. I didn't feel, you know, sadness. I didn't feel lost, like he didn't just do group. He, he understands and he felt yours. And it's not just the general, he knows everything, he knows when you're in your bed at night crying and you feel so alone, he knows when you're in those moments of weakness before you have to be, that he knows it and he's there and he's not leaving your side. And that is the most important part of it is, even though you feel you don't feel it, he's still there and I don't know. I I definitely feel that like those feelings of anxiety, because I have that too and I know what it's like to make the choices that are opposite of what we've always known or what we've been told, and I know what it's like to make those choices and then feel like the worst feelings in the world, feeling empty.

Speaker 2: 21:51

A couple of years ago, I started doubting everything. I'm from Texas and I came up here and the culture up here totally changed. Like I had an identity crisis. I was like I don't know. You know, I, it's just so different and I didn't know where to belong and my anxiety was really high and I started doubting and stressing. I'm like I don't know what I believe anymore and because it's so, culture is different and it makes me question things. You know, and that's hard and that is. It's so hard when you're surrounded by people doing these things and you feel out of place. I know what that like, especially in the culture up here, where everyone seems like they're doing everything right and puts on that face that it's perfect.

Speaker 3: 22:32

That fake face of everything's okay and we're the perfect family and we have the perfect kids, we have the perfect, get to church on time, we can do our callings fully and we're amazing.

Speaker 2: 22:46

It's the worst and I hate it. I hate it. And so because of that, I was like, you know what? Screw it, I'm just gonna do everything I was told not to do. And maybe I will figure it out right, because my patriarchal blessing it says that I have the gift to know what's right and wrong. So it's like, well, I'll know what's right, you know, and.

Speaker 2: 23:08

But I didn't realize what I would go through because of that. I chose to go against everything I knew was right deep down, but I let my doubts and anxiety get the better of me and because of that, it was the and it still is a process. I'm still going through it. I'm, I can say all these things, but I still have moments where I'm weak and I cry and I'm homesick, you know, and. But, and there was a moment where I just felt like I was so numb, I felt so empty, but I kept walking because I knew what it was felt like before and I know what, those feelings, those moments in time where I felt little testimonies, little glimmers, and it reminds me of that talk in general conference, about those rays in our life, you know, and how there may be moments where we feel nothing, and there will be when our anxiety and depression really do get the best of us and that can prohibit us from feeling the spirit. It's not our fault, it's nothing we did, but it's the way our brain is. But God is aware of that and maybe in those moments where we need to feel that and we are hoping for that, it may not come. But that's okay, because open your eyes and be aware of what's around you, be aware of what happened in the past. Sometimes I've realized that that is what I need to work on is being more aware, right Of being aware of little rays of light that are around me, being aware of the rays of light that I felt when I was a child. When I was a child, when I didn't have self like identity stuff and I didn't get insecure, right, it was so simple and the biggest parts of my testimony is that I really had to lean on and that's what got me through, that's what helped me see those rays of light and the darkest tunnel that I was going through. I felt like I was just walking through a dark tunnel with nothing, but I saw the end goal. I saw the light and I saw it. I like to explain it like I saw fireflies almost.

Speaker 2: 25:17

I had this dream one time where I was so lost and I know I've mentioned this before, so sorry if you guys heard this, but I had a dream. I was the lowest part of my life, I felt, and I felt so alone. And I had a dream where I saw one firefly and I started following it and then all of a sudden, another firefly came, and then another one, and then I was surrounded by fireflies to the point where I was able to see more like than I ever could. It was so bright and they guided me out out of the dark forest into into a field and I woke up and I realized, just like that, talk the rays of light. Sometimes it may be a firefly and you just gotta follow it.

Speaker 2: 26:04

Yeah, if you have that faith, if you have that hope, that, and you keep going, even though you can't see it fully, eventually you will be able to see. You will be able to see the ray of light, like joseph smith saw. You know you'll be to see perfectly why everything happened and more of who god is in your life, and but it takes time and it's an anxiety and depression is an isolating feeling. Yeah, that doesn't mean that you're the only one, you're not alone. Still say and get that, and he, that's when he comes in, and he takes advantage of those weak moments that we do have because of our, because we're human. Right, it's just, and that's when he comes.

Speaker 2: 26:56

But you have the choice to be like. No, I'm not gonna make satan, make me feel alone. I have the choice to still turn to who is my light and who will guide me through what I'm going through. Because, if not, you're lost. You really are, and I know what it feels like to be lost and feel those moments of anxiety and doubts and everything. I know what it is. But I'd rather follow God and get through that than follow Satan, who knows what will happen. Right, I'd rather follow the person that I know, who will bring me out of it eventually. If it's here on earth, I know what it's going to. I know eventually I will be healed and I will be able to see fully.

Speaker 3: 27:41

And you're so right, because Satan, especially with depression and anxiety and that's why I love that quote so much is because those of us who suffer with depression and anxiety we often forget we're the ones that usually forget the most about Jesus Christ emotional, spiritual, mental pain. We, we always focus on the physical but we we forget that a lot, that he felt that and that he knows how that feels. And like a few months ago I was going through my own identity crisis when I got released from seminary and the seminary that was basically the cornerstone of my testimony kind of turned on me and Brother Dunn left and a bunch of new teachers came in and even the old ones kind of treated me rough and I didn't know who I was without seminary. And I remember it got to the point where I just felt so fake and I remember laying down on my face because I couldn't even kneel by the side of my bed anymore. I remember I was laying on my face and laying on my stomach and it's amazing how I can do these church devotionals. And that's what I've learned with these church devotionals and the talks.

Speaker 3: 28:53

Like you were saying, we're here testifying of it, but then we go home and we feel completely alone and like that, the spirit's not with us anymore. And I remember I was laying on my face and I was laying on my and I just was praying because I was like I don't even have enough strength to sit on my knees anymore, like I don't, I don't know where you are, I feel like my prayers are bouncing off the ceiling. And I just remember well, I was in the same spot and that's. It was kind of Christ, just kind of teasing at me, cause he was like like he was there on his face praying and crying for me, knowing what I was going through, knowing what you were going through, and feeling every little thing, from us stubbing our toe to a breakup, to a divorce, to an identity crisis, through mental health struggles to the point we were were suicidal to just a rough day that we want it to be over with and we want to wake up for a new day. He felt everything and it's truly amazing to be able to have that person that when we feel, no one knows how this feels. No one feels, no one knows how I feel, no one wants to know how I feel, nobody cares that. We can go to him for everything and know that our true identity we make ourselves out to be. Oh, we got to be that perfect family. I got to be that perfect person that shows up to church every Sunday. I got to be this. I got to be that.

Speaker 3: 30:32

My friend, kathy Clayton, who I met during my identity crisis, she taught me a very powerful lesson. Where she was the mission president with her husband, down in Argentina, I believe, and you can go into a zoo and pet these full grown lions full grown like, it's like they're cats basically and you go in and you pet them. And she was so afraid she's like at the flick of a paw, these things can destroy me. And as she walked out, she asked the zoo trainer. She said why in the world can I pet these lions? And he said look over in the corner and there were a bunch of little dogs, like these little chow chows, and she's like what do they do? And as these lions are growing up as cubs, the little dogs will nip at their legs or their tails whenever they do anything that the dog doesn't like. So the lions are trained their entire life that they are the little ones and that these dogs are the boss.

Speaker 3: 31:27

And she taught me that day. She said you are a full grown lion. You are having all these nippy dogs whether it's temptation, people in general, perfect people, lds people it doesn't even matter if they're members of the church or not All these people nip at you as dogs and make your identity so much less of who you are and make you feel like you're nothing, like you're this full grown lion that has access to the atonement. You have access to the Holy Ghost whenever you want it. You have the scriptures, you have the temple. You have all this. Yet here's this little dog of someone saying oh well, why were you late today, or why can't you be on time, or why can't you come to church more, or why are you struggling and why can't you be perfect? Basically, is what they say but that's truly who. We are children of God and he knows everything and luckily, luckily, we can go to him with everything too I love that analogy, like I totally get that.

Speaker 2: 32:38

Like I let people nip at everything. I care so much about people that it affects me, though, like you know, I love people, I care for people, I, I want to understand people, but I I care sometimes too much, to the point where I lose to care for myself. Yeah, but as you were talking about how you go up and share your testimony, share devotions or whatever, and then afterwards you feel empty because I know what that feels like. But then I started thinking, well, how am I able to do that? How are you able to do that? How are people able to put on that face? And then I started thinking well, we know, deep down, like and anxiety, depression, and that like puts that on you, like sometimes you can't feel the things that you say, but you but, like, your heart knows, but your brain is just like weird, or vice versa. But then I start, I started thinking, well, I know these things and I may have the weaknesses that I do have and I'm, those are in the imperfect and perfections, but I have whatever glimmer glimpse of faith. I have a mustard seed, whatever I can do with it, I'm going to go up and put myself out there and God is going to make something out of it and that's why we're able to do that.

Speaker 2: 34:00

You may be feeling like isolating and may feel like why, like I don't feel that sometimes? Why can I say that to other people, but for myself I can't? Well, god is making something out of you that you don't understand yet and eventually it will come back around and you will be able to grow from God's workmanship, like on you, like he's crafting you and molding you into something that you don't understand. But you will eventually. And but it takes that courage to just go up there and say go up there and do and do the things that God is asking you to do, because he will make your weaknesses strong, the weaknesses of doubts, the weaknesses of anxiety, pain, illness, anger, whatever it is. If you still do what he's asking you to do, he will bless you and he will help you.

Speaker 2: 34:51

And after the fact, you may feel like that spiritual drop you know, like we've been talking about, but that's normal and it's okay. But keep going, because if God can do that for you, imagine what else he can and what else he is currently doing for you now. So don't allow that to stop you. Don't allow the nitpicky little chihuahuas bite at you in life, like keep going, don't let that affect you. Don't let the imperfections of you the world like cause you to think that God's love for you is imperfect or that your life purpose is imperfect, because that's not true. God will help you, because you proof of that, jeremy, and like I know that I am right, I know that I he's doing something for me, just like he is for Dallian, just like it is for our listeners.

Speaker 3: 35:48

It's he's doing something, but don't give up because of the world and and it's like when we focus so much on oh, we're having a hard time, we forget because we get. We get in such this snowball effect of oh well, this happened to me today and it's just something little. It's one of those little chihuahuas just biting at you and it just nipped at you once, so you go, run over to your corner and we forget so much that and then we clouded out ourselves. But Satan also clouds out the amazing blessings like we do have. Like I have a temple 15 minutes away from me and I can go to it whenever I want. And there's kids in Africa who their dream is to go at least once in their entire life and I don't take advantage of that as much as I should.

Speaker 3: 36:45

Our other blessings of the sacrament or the atonement are Jesus Christ, are the most important person in the universe. Heavenly Father wants to hear from me. He wants me to pray, he wants me to know. He wants to know if I'm having a hard day. He wants to know what he can help me with and he has those tools, and the Savior has those tools where they can help you and they can help you remember that you're a child of God, because a few months ago, or I guess this was last year the anxiety attacks and depression got so bad that I started to experience physical health and it's almost like a broken heart disease, where you're so depressed and I got suicidal to one point. But I was so depressed that my body itself started to give out on me, and I remember I got sent to the hospital in the middle of the night. I felt so much pain. I walked upstairs and I was trying to catch my breath and I felt so much pain in my arms. So I walked down the stairs and I got to the final step. And right when I got to the final step, all that pain went to my chest and I could feel exactly where my heart was and every pulse of my heart just felt like a knife knife. And so my dad came rushing in when I couldn't breathe anymore. I called him and he came rushing in. He went upstairs and told my mom we were running to the hospital because my left arm went numb. And I remember I was sitting there and I was trying to get my pants on and my shirt on, and I looked over and I saw the Book of Mormon, a little travel one that my friend had got me sitting there on the corner of the shelf and I grabbed it and on the way to the hospital I just squeezed it and I was just every every pulse. I just shot my leg out, I shot my hand out because the pain was just too unbearable and I just felt the Spirit go. This isn't it, you're going to be okay. And even if it was it, you'd be okay still, because heavenly father has you. And I was like, oh, okay.

Speaker 3: 38:55

And after that month, it was probably till, maybe it was about till august or september that from january on I just had multiple health issues, many, many emergency trips to the ER. And every time I remember going to the ER I grabbed that little Book of Mormon and I squeezed it. I never read it, I don't even remember opening it, but I remember holding on to it because it was my iron rod. Because it was my iron rod, it was the one thing. As that darkness came in, as the mockers over in the other building started laughing at me, holding on to that book, not even reading it, but just holding on to it, knowing that if I held it I was going to be okay.

Speaker 3: 39:43

And I never remember scriptures, I can memorize my whole talks, devotionals, but I never remember scriptures. I can memorize my whole talks, devotionals, but I never remember scriptures. And I believe it's Helaman. I don't remember it now, but Helaman 532 or something like that says know ye not that you're in the hands of God? And one night, as I was getting rushed to the hospital, I heard that and my doctors told me they said they've never had someone that was as peaceful as me. My doctors told me they said they've never had someone that was as peaceful as me. I was told maybe twice that they didn't know what was the matter, that they thought there was a chance of me dying.

Speaker 3: 40:19

And the night after that heart thing, actually I got released from the hospital at about 4 or 5 am and I went home.

Speaker 3: 40:32

And I got 4 or 5 am and I went home and I or no, sorry, I got released at 7 am.

Speaker 3: 40:35

I went home and I slept till 12 and I got up and I headed over to the seminary building and I gave a devotional and everybody had heard that night that I was hospitalized and that I wasn't going to be able to attend. And I never heard anything about it until just a few weeks ago, where a kid came up to me and he said that it was a testimony builder to him to see that even as I was on my deathbed, even as I wasn't sure if I was waking up the next day or even if I was going to make it to the night or even if I was going to see any certain family members again, that me being there testifying that Jesus Christ was right by my side and that he was helping me through all that, that that was what helped build his testimony. And even when we do those things that we don't think are seen or we're just doing them because we think we need to, that it's really a strength into one person in particular.

Speaker 1: 41:34

That's listening well, this has been a great episode. I haven't had to say a word, and, um, yeah, this has been phenomenal and, uh, we're getting kind of long, so I think, uh, I'll just share some final thoughts and then, uh, we'll close out. But, um, everything that has been said has been awesome and I, I, I too, love that analogy of the uh the pups nipping at the uh heels of the lions.

Speaker 1: 42:05

That's, that's really I love kathy sounds like you're surrounded by some amazing people, yeah, but, uh, I wanted to go back to well, I've got a few things, I've got a whole list, um, of things that I've been waiting for my chance to pitch in. No, you and Michaela have been tag teaming and it's been great, but I wanted to go back to, kind of the cause of a lot of your distress early on, and that was the bullying right. Yeah, that was the bullying right. Yeah, it pains me to say this, but I was actually on the flip side for much of my youth. I was kind of the bully.

Speaker 1: 43:00

It's one of those things that I regretted a lot and, you know, sometimes, like the thoughts of what I said to kids in my you know youth group and my priesthood quorum and all the things, like they kind of haunt you or they haunt me and some of the kids that were on the receiving end of some of the things that I would say they're, they're really not in the best of place right now. Some of them and a lot of them I have no idea what type of place they're in right now and so, to listen, listening to your, your story, uh, it kind of brings back some of those feelings, and not that it's a bad thing, I don't feel like that's bad but and this, this goes back to our weaknesses. You know, when I was growing up like I wanted to be cool, I wanted to be with my friends that you know I thought were cool, and they were doing it. So I just kind of followed suit and I feel like a lot of the times I knew it was bad and they were doing it. So I just kind of followed suit and I feel like a lot of the times I knew it was bad and I really regret it and I, I pray and hope to high heaven that those, uh, those individuals can uh that they're, they're going to be okay and you know they're in the lord's hands and they will be okay.

Speaker 1: 44:21

Um, but but it is. It's one of those things that I feel like uh should never happen within the church, but it will always happen within the church and within high school, middle school, elementary school. It's just one of those things that will always be there. And so one of the things that we need to do as members is to teach our children, to prepare our children the best that we can to love those that they're friends with, as well as those that they're not enemies or friends with those, the other people that are just there to them. Um, because I feel like that's what those kids were is they weren't friends and they weren't enemies, they were just kind of there and so I didn't treat them that well because of it, and not saying my not not saying my parents did a bad job raising me.

Speaker 1: 45:20

I think they did. I just fell into a lot of the peer pressure of those around me which is on me.

Speaker 3: 45:26

Well, we all want to fit into the fallen world. You know, that's what those party days. I didn't want I Well, I take that back. There were some things that I wanted, but I didn't want to do a lot of that, but I did it because everyone else was and I wanted to. But I didn't want to do a lot of that, but I did it because everyone else was and I wanted to fit in with everyone.

Speaker 3: 45:45

And out of the out of there were about 12 kids. No, I take that back. There was about almost 20 kids that I hung out with during those party days and then those days that I was not doing so good spiritually. And out of those 20, about 20 kids at least 12, out of them, there's only two of us graduating from high school and I am the only one that's in the gospel still and that has not tried nicotine and that is not addicted to drugs. And it definitely shows how much the gospel can help you, because there was maybe about five of those kids. They were in the gospel and all of them have left.

Speaker 1: 46:29

Yeah, no, and that's wonderful that you're continuing to stay, or at least try to stay, true to the things that were taught in our youth, because it is difficult, and I think this goes back to two different things the enabling power of the atonement and the fact that it's okay to show our imperfections and going along with what you were saying many times, you and Michaela, that a lot of times the church is a beauty contest. It's, you know, like oh, look at me, I'm.

Speaker 1: 47:08

Mr Perfect, look at my life. This is. You know, I live the most amazing life there is. I drive to church in a Tesla or whatever. It is not that it's a bad thing, it's like it's. It doesn't matter, it really doesn't matter. And I think everyone wants to put on a show, and I say everyone. There's a lot of people that I know that really could care less. But you know, yeah, for the sake of those are the best people. But it's okay to show your imperfections and to let the enabling power of the atonement, uh, work to show, because that's the whole point. We're not here to show that we're perfect, we're showing. We're here to show that we are imperfect and we're trying.

Speaker 1: 48:01

And I love this scripture. It's in Jacob 4. I'll say it real quick and then we'll close out. It's Jacob, chapter 4, verse 6 and 7. It says Wherefore we search the prophets and we have many revelations and the spirit of prophecy, and having all these witnesses, we obtain hope. And having all these witnesses, we obtain hope and our faith becometh unshaken, insomuch that we truly can command, in the name of Jesus and his great condescensions unto the children of men, that we have power to do these things great scripture yeah, I love that one.

Speaker 3: 48:51

What was that?

Speaker 1: 48:51

one again. Um, jacob, chapter 4, verses 6 and 7, but we have so much power to do the things, the only, um, that have only been deemed godly. We have so much power and authority given to us as mortals, just because we are trying, yeah, and god will show us our weaknesses, to remind us, and God will show us our weaknesses to remind us that, hey, I am giving you these things to help you, but you are still weak and you are nothing without me. And that's not to condemn us, or that's not against us.

Speaker 1: 49:35

It's. This is the power of me, this is the power of God, and this is why we need to keep him in our hearts, his love in our hearts, his care in our hearts. We need to keep his word in our hearts, we need to keep him at the forefront of our minds and our focus, and he will be the enabling power that helps us return to him. And so, when we are living our lives, we are acting, expressing our weaknesses, but acting despite our weaknesses. And that's what church is about. It's showing each other that, hey, like I, have all these faults, but acting despite our weaknesses. And that's what church is about. It's showing each other that, hey, like I have all these faults, but I am trying to be like my savior, and I hope that you are too. And with all of that, thank you to our amazing listeners for listening to another episode of the Remember podcast. And thank you, jayden. Right, jayden? Yep, yeah, awesome. I'm terrible at names, so I'm glad I remembered, but thank you, jayden, for coming on.

Speaker 1: 50:50

It's been an absolute pleasure to to hear your story and to um, to fill of your, your spirit, because, uh, you really do have a powerful, powerful testimony and we're so grateful that you came on and shared that with us. So thank you so much and feel free to share with our listeners where they can follow you, because I've seen that you post some uplifting content. So, if you would like them to follow you, feel free to share your Instagram handle or whatever.

Speaker 3: 51:18

To share your Instagram handle or whatever. Yeah, there's a. My official Instagram is Jaden Lawerson Official and Lawerson is L-A-U-R-S-E-N. So if you guys want to see posts about or keep in touch, absolutely reach out if you need or if you're even struggling. It's just kind of a. I didn't want to make it, but I kind of got prompted to. I didn't want to make it, but I kind of got prompted to. And if you guys need a uplift, that's just kind of where we all can go and just know that we're all in it together.

Speaker 1: 51:47

Awesome, and thank you again to our amazing listeners for sticking to another episode and my brain just blanked, michaela.

Speaker 2: 52:06

If you want to go ahead and if you haven't already, check out our instagram page at rememberpodcast, we have all the links that you need to find where you can listen to our podcast. You can find the form to fill out and schedule an appointment to have an interview with us. You can find our merchandise. You can find the church website to learn more about our church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, if you haven't already or you don't know. But also it would be so helpful if you guys could go and leave us a review. We love your feedback and we love to hear how we can improve to make sure that we can help you guys the best and make our listening platform available so you guys can learn and grow as much as we do on here. So, anyways, leave a review, go check us out and, yeah, thank you guys. So much for your support.

Speaker 1: 52:58

Yeah, we really do love our listeners, so thank you so much and remember him. Thank you you.