Healing from the Father Wound

Many people's lives have been affected by father wounds created by absent, abusive, or emotionally absent fathers. We have a Father in heaven who will heal these wounds. This week Dez & Carlos have a very real conversation about this topic and how their own lives have been affected by it. 

Transcript

 Hey everyone. Welcome back to Walk the Talk with Los and Dez. Last time we talked about forgiveness, a very good episode. If you didn't get to listen to that one, please be sure to check it out. Today we are gonna be talking about the father wound. 

Yes. Welcome everybody back. Um, like Carlos said, this is gonna be very interesting.

We kind of talked a little bit about it in our last episode. Kind of started to touch on, you know, the forgiveness aspect, which led us to this, which is something that we have wanted to talk about. We, just feel it's a good time to jump in. Mm-hmm. It just falls right after forgiveness because it's something that you do have to forgive.

Right. So we have quite a few notes. Hopefully, we can get through our notes and um, our thoughts. But the father wound is a very common thing, and especially I feel like a lot in our generation because I. Just, there was a lot of stuff from previous generations, whether they were absent fathers or emotionally absent fathers.

Yeah. You know, you're or, or abusive fathers or those. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. There's so many different, uh, variations. Mm-hmm. But, It's a wound that's real and, and it's affected a lot of lives. It really has. It's affected whole homes. It's caused divorce, it's caused, you know, issues, mental issues, yeah.

Emotional. Mm-hmm. So many things that can stem from that. Yeah. And it's just something that we wanna address and share our own experience Yeah. In this area, because we both have been through it in different ways. Mm-hmm. And we've been affected by it in different ways, but it's something that we've recognized, we've.

I know I've talked to a lot of people who have dealt with this. Mm-hmm. And it helps some people to walk through this and what it takes to actually heal from this. Yeah. And the awesome thing, the reason we wanna address this is we wanna talk about it, but we wanna talk about the hope that there is.

Because yes, it's a real thing, but yes, we have a God who heals and a God who. Can be your father if you allow him to be. Absolutely. And that's been the thing that has helped both of us mm-hmm. To heal. Mm-hmm. Is learning to accept God's love as father, learning to let him into those places. Yeah. And, and to heal.

Yeah. Right. But, I'm just gonna jump in and then you just let me know when you wanna jump in about some of the things that can come from the father wound. From father issues. Okay. And so I know for myself, I dealt with a lot of these things as well. And from a girl's side, I guess like a daughter, it can cause uh, rejection.

Yeah. I'm sure that can be both ways. Yeah, true. But rejection, abandonment. Low self-esteem. Mm-hmm. Making you feel like you're just not loved. Or not wanted. Mm-hmm. And girls can seek validation and approval for other people. They can become promiscuous. Yeah, because they're looking, they don't even realize that they're looking to fill a place in their heart that is hurt.

And so they feel like, or they 

may feel they have a 

void. Right, exactly. And so they're looking for, a boy shows them, um, some kind of, you know, like attention, interest or attention, and they're like, wow. And it kind of wakes that up and they're like, Ooh, they don't even realize that. That's the reason why.

Right. And then they go running around and they just keep, they, some people get addicted to that feeling. Mm-hmm. Because they've never had that. Yeah. Or they don't even realize they've missed that all their life. Yep. I know you had a couple things you wanted to share. I left your things for you there.

Yeah, I wrote a couple of things down. Um, uh, statistically children are less likely to succeed in school and I know that was the case for me. Um, And more likely to drop out. Thank God for a praying mom and stepdad that I did not give up. Mm-hmm. On, on school. I eventually came back and did graduate, but it was a rollercoaster ride for me trying to make it through high school in particular.

Mm-hmm. I missed a lot of days. I hanged out with the wrong people. I was going through a lot of anger. A lot of hurt. Yes. A lot of. A lot of confusion. Mm-hmm. There was so much happening in the home just because of the lack of having a father. Mm-hmm. Children are more likely to have behavioral and psychological issues, um, more likely to get in trouble with the law, more likely to end up in prison.

Yes. I know that there's a statistic that says that, uh, boys in particular are seven times more likely. To end up in prison. Wow. I almost did. Mm-hmm. But I know a lot of boys around that time when I was in, in high school that did end up in jail. Wow. A lot of my peers ended up in jail. Mm-hmm. 

And I can say for when I look back to my generation, it was the age of like teenage pregnancies.

Like it was Yes. Everybody got pregnant. Yes. There was girls all over. I mean, in my high school for crying out loud, I remember when I was there they opened up, uh, a daycare. Mm-hmm. So that these girls could. Still go to school, which was great. But at the same time, I realized at one point I was like, oh my gosh.

Yeah. Like they, they had to actually have a daycare so that these girls could have a place to bring their babies. Mm-hmm. And they could finish school. And when you look at it, I can, I bet you most of those girls either did not have a father or had an absentee father or an, you know, abusive or whatever, but, It's something because I think the reason why is because that previous generation of our parents and their parents before, they never, they were never taught how to acknowledge feelings, how to talk about emotions.

Mm-hmm. How to connect emotionally. Like all those things were just back then were foreign. They just weren't talked about. They weren't, you know, you didn't talk about your feelings, you didn't talk about. All that you, it didn't, you know, the man, I know there was a point, it was like the man works comes homes, the woman cooks his food, he sits down and watches TV and you know, if he drinks, he throws back a beer and, and he just, you know, zones out with, uh, with a game or whatever.

That's just an example, but mm-hmm. If you think about it, those, the kids probably were like looking for that connection. Yeah. Because we're naturally born with the desire to connect. Yeah. Right. But back then it was like, just shh, quiet go, you know, go do something. Right. But leave your father alone. Right.

And I'm, that's not every case. That's just, but that's very, that was very common. That was a very common thing. Right. You know, and, and unfortunately because they did not know how to do that and how to connect and, and all that, we were just, Here we are shoving all of the stuff that we felt. Mm-hmm. And I'm sure they also dealt with a lot of that as kids too.

Cuz you think about it, every generation has gotten a little bit better in this area. But I can only imagine, like when I think of my father, I'm sure he probably his father and his grandfather, all of them, they probably just never knew. What it was to actually connect mm-hmm. In on an emotional level with their kids.

Yeah. Like they might have done things together or, or talk about things. 

Yeah. Talk about like real talk and, and deal with them. That's 

important. Yeah. And that was never like, it was like past the salt. You know, or go, you know, help me do this, or go do that. Or it was, I'm sure it wasn't like we have talk, talked with our kids and how we've taught them.

Yeah. You know, and I mean, I'm just thankful I've learned to become grateful that God has a, allowed us to learn what we have so that we can try to do better or, you know, to, to have healthy children. Hmm. And it's, it's, it's not easy. The thing with the thing with the father, when I think the first step is acknowledging it.

Mm-hmm. Acknowledging that it's actually there. Yeah. Which can be hard for a lot of people. Yeah. 

Sometimes, sometimes. It's funny that you say that because in my case, um, I knew that, how could I put it? I, I knew that. Not having a father or growing up with a single mom. I, I knew that that affected me, but I never quite, uh, could put the finger on a lot of the stuff I dealt with.

Mm-hmm. I never realized that that's where it came from. That's where it came from. Exactly. 

Yes, it's true. Because I can say the same thing from my experience, I had no idea. I had never heard of a father wound. Mm-hmm. Or like father issues. It was never even. It wasn't until I think we got married and had kids.

Mm-hmm. That the first time I heard about that and I was like, huh. And then when I started hearing people talk about their experience, I was like, oh. Like it just, things started to get put together because for me it was, I had my father and I still do, and I love my father very much, but my father grew up with a family that didn't know how to connect emotionally, and I don't think they still do.

Mm-hmm. And because of that, You know, here I am, this little girl that's just like dying to connect emotionally. Like I'm very much, you know. Mm-hmm. I married you and I was like pulling you outta your shell. Like, come join me. Yeah. Because I wanted so desperately, like I wanted to connect. Mm-hmm. And when I was a little girl, I realized I did, I craved that and I longed for that connection, but I didn't.

I couldn't vocalize that. Mm-hmm. And so I, and I spent a lot of time alone and I remember now I realize it's crazy how the enemy will feed even little kids' thoughts and lies. Yeah. Because I believed there was a point, because of the stuff that I saw in my house and stuff, there was a point I believe that, that, um, I was just not lovable.

Mm-hmm. I wasn't really desired, like it was like, oh, I was more like tolerated. Mm-hmm. You know, and then, yeah, I got things, things were given to me and, and I had toys and stuff like that. And, but like I realized I craved that quality time, that, that real connection and that, well, every little girl probably craves.

Mm-hmm. And so when I got older it was like, like we were talking about, you know, if a, if a guy noticed me, I realized I was like, wow. That's pretty cool. Hmm. You know, and I did. I was, I thank God I didn't end up getting pregnant or anything like that, or crazy stuff happening. But I realize now, looking back, that's what it was.

I dealt with deep, uh, rejection, low self-esteem. I didn't think I was worth anything. I thought, honestly, I remember telling you this. I thought it was the ugliest thing in the world. I really did. I really did. Wow. Yeah, I remember. I remember that time. Yeah. But that was also, it came from that, but it also came from really extreme bullying in school and that was a whole other story, but I really didn't think much of myself.

Yeah. So when I, you know, a guy came along and like gave me any kind of attention, I was like, Oh wow. They think I'm pretty. Mm-hmm. You, you know. And so, and I had no idea who I was. Never learned about my identity in Christ or anything like that. Yeah. It was just nothing that you were taught back then. Yeah.

You know, and so he, here I was, and then I met you. And I thank God that at that point in my life, I knew enough. And I had told God that I was like, Lord, I don't want any of this drama from men in my life until my husband comes along. Like I don't wanna deal with any kind of relationship or anything.

Mm-hmm. And I thank God that he put that in my heart because I was done, like I knew I needed healing. Mm-hmm. I didn't fully understand what I needed healing from, but I knew that I needed healing in my heart. Yeah. Before I got married. Yeah. And I was still in process because even after we got married, it's still, it was an ongoing process for a while.

Yeah. In my end, um, me, I grew up completely without a dad. Yeah. Which, you know. Mm-hmm. And my mom had issues of her own, like she experienced abuse in her home and ran away from home at an early age. Married my dad, who was not the best guy. I said Mary. Mm-hmm. You know, and her pastor told her, why did you marry that guy?

It was probably just to get out though, right? Yeah. She, she did it to escape the home. Yeah. And he was abusive. We saw Mm. Quite a bit of that. And my mom got sick of it, thank God she put her foot down. Yeah. And got out of that situation and took us out of that situation. But she had a lot of healing. To do.

Yeah. To undergo. And we moved to the States. And again, she had a lot of issues of her own and she's trying to raise four children. We're, we're in poverty. On welfare. Yeah. And living in the projects. You know, there's something that a father brings. To the home. Yeah. And you and I have talked about mm-hmm this a lot where when it's two parents, when it's the a mom and a dad, and it's healthy.

Yeah, it's healthy, but also that man presence, that male presence in the home, just him being present. It makes the kids think twice before acting up. Mm-hmm. That it sets a tone. And, you know, we, we had a lot of behavioral issues because of the absence of that a created a vacuum mm effect where we hung out with the wrong crowd.

There wasn't that male presence telling us what he doing. Mm-hmm. Yeah. You know, look who you hanging with. Yeah. Our mom tried, but it's like any year one and out the other, it's always different coming from the mother. Mm-hmm. And it sounded more like nagging Yeah. To us. Yep. But there was a lot of, uh, rebellion, there was a lot of issues.

There was, you know, a lot of things that we didn't understand ourselves, why we felt the way we did. Yeah. And why we felt like acting up. Mm-hmm. And I think it was because of that, because of the things we suffered when we were with dad, the things that we saw. Yes. I walked into the room when he was beating my mom.

Mm-hmm. And tried to stop it. And I was like three years old. That's crazy. And I was beating on his legs. But anyways, you know, I saw stuff. 

Yeah, that's a whole lot. I remember when you first told me all this, and it's understandable why you struggled with so many things that you did. Mm-hmm. Right. But it's just, it's amazing because I love the way that God has worked in our lives too.

Bring us to a place of, first of all, knowing that that was there, what it was, and the fact that he could heal us. Mm-hmm. One of the other things with the father wound is that if you don't address it, if you don't acknowledge it, if you don't let God heal that area, it affects the way that you see God.

Mm-hmm. Because, You without realizing it, we really late God with our natural father. With how our natural father was. Yeah, so I'll give an example. In my case, when I was younger, my father was very stern in a lot of ways. He, he made me very jumpy because he would get angry easily. With things that I did wrong.

Mm-hmm. And it made me very like, jumpy. And it made me think that like I had to do per everything perfect. I had to do everything just right. Mm-hmm. Cause I didn't wanna get yelled at. Yeah. And so when it came time to really starting to learn about God and try to know God, I always felt like there was this huge brick wall that I could never get around and I couldn't understand it.

Mm-hmm. I remember I spent years like asking God, why is it that I feel like I really can't get to you? Mm-hmm. Like, I always feel like I come running full force and I'm like, smacking the wall. Never could understand it. And then I started to learn and Holy Spirit started to show me that it was my view of him as a father.

Mm-hmm. I, I never really knew him as a father. I never even really tried because part of me thought that he was distant. Mm-hmm. Becau just like my, like emotionally distant, like my natural father. So part of me thought, oh, well that's just how God is. Yeah. God is the same way. God is just like, he loves me.

I know he loves me, but he's not, I, I can't really connect with him like that. And so I had to learn that that's not who God is. And he started to bring me into His word and just started to teach me and show me. And I realized I had to acknowledge. That wound and he started to bring back memories. Holy Spirit started to bring back memories that I had not even like I had forgotten.

Mm-hmm. And I realized it was so that I could go back to those moments and let him heal. Yeah. And that was hard. That was really hard. I mean, there was some years and sometimes where he brought some things back that just like, it's showing me like certain root places, like where certain things started in my life.

Yeah. Where certain wounds and hurts came from. And that was hard. I didn't, at first, it was very hard and I, I resisted because it, I felt at times like it was so painful that if I went back there, I didn't know how I would handle it. Yeah. But Holy Spirit showed me and I learned that I had to acknowledge it and open my mouth and ask God to heal those places.

Yeah. Yeah. I had to be willing to open my heart. Ev unlock every door that had been locked and shut. 

Yeah. And even forgive. 

That was what I was gonna say next. Yeah. Yeah. I have, it's, I have like a order in my notes here, but that's, yeah. No, that's a big part. Of course. Mm-hmm. You have 

to, yeah. Forgiveness is such, forgive such an important part of healing.

Yep. Yeah. And it's, it's a choice. It is, like we said last time, you're not gonna feel it. Mm-hmm. And sometimes if you start thinking in your rational mind, well, I have every right to, to hold on forgiveness. I don't, why do I have to forgive him? He never did nothing for me. You know, you hear people say all kinds of stuff, but it's like, if you don't choose to forgive, you're, you're setting yourself up and you're keeping yourself in a prison.

Mm-hmm. If you choose, it's so true. It is. When you choose to forgive and realize, this is one thing that helped me, like I think we might have said it, that our parents had issues. Some of them still do. Mm-hmm. And when you really learn to accept the fact that they are human beings mm-hmm. There is no such thing as a perfect parent.

Nope. And they're not supposed to be perfect. They're not. Because if they were perfect, why would we need God? Yeah. And so when you run to God and ask him to help you to forgive, ask him to heal the places in your heart and to show you that, to really learn to accept that it's okay that they didn't feel that spot in my life.

Hmm. It's okay that they can't be this for me. Yeah. And you let God be your father and ask him to sh to show you himself in that way, that it he'll heal every area. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And then the other cool thing is he will also bring people into your life that will be fathers Yes. And mothers. If it's a mother absence Yeah.

He will absolutely do that. Hmm. And it's amazing. It, it can happen. And you're j you don't even realize it. It God knows the needs that we have. But he will put people in your lives Yep. That will help you to guide you where a natural father might and where you don't have that. Yeah. 

Right. Yep. Coun counseling was a big help for me.

Yeah, that's true. 

A very big help. Yep. And you know, we saw everything from marriage counselors, but also personal counselors. Yeah. That was. One of the biggest tools, I guess if you want to call it that. Mm-hmm. That helped me to root out the things that were deep inside. Yes. They go into your childhood, they go way back and, and dig into, you know, how things started.

When did certain issues take root? Yeah. And they get to the bottom of. Why you are the way you are, why you think the way you do. Yep. What triggers your anger, your pain. Yes. And that was so huge for me. Hmm. In my recovery process. Yep. In my healing process. That was so huge. 

Yes. I remember that. It's counseling is.

In therapy, whatever, whichever one you choose is, is really helpful if you, if you are able to do that. 

Yeah, for sure. And it can be a scary thing. It can be a very scary thing to, to get vulnerable before another person and really confront the pain. Yeah, confront the fears, confront the things that you have on the inside that are causing.

Friction causing whatever it is that the issues to surface. Yeah. But when you get past that and when you confront those things, you are gonna feel like a a million dollars after the recovery. After you're on the other side of it. Yeah. You're gonna feel great. Yeah. It's gonna be such a wonderful feeling because it almost like it builds your character.

I don't know the process of you. Confronting yourself and confronting the issues that are on the inside that are locked inside of you. Not everybody confronts 'em, but everybody has to. Mm-hmm. We all have to. Yeah. And we all have them. Yeah. Yeah. That's the thing. We all have them. Yeah. 

And there's some people, it's funny, we were talking about this.

There's some people that it's like they maybe went here for like a second and that's all they needed. They were like, oh, boom. Yeah, father issues. God heal me. Boom, I'm great, and never have to look back. But that's not everybody's story. Right? Honestly, a lot of people have to walk through it and it doesn't, it's not that you have to stay there for years and oh my gosh, like.

But it doesn't matter how long it takes you. Mm-hmm. As long as you get there. Mm-hmm. Right. And you, and you can't put pressure on yourself to be like, oh, I should be over this already. You know? Because sometimes you might have a memory or a thought or something and you still feel some kind of way. Mm-hmm.

And I always say, when, if you feel that, just give it to the Lord. Because it's a process. It's like we're talking about forgiveness. It's a process. It is. And it's a constant choice. And sometimes you might feel those hurts and those wounds again, but when you, they come up, you give it back to God and you say, Lord, because you know the truth of the matter is that Jesus died.

Right. He died for our sins, for the forgiveness of our sins. Mm-hmm. And by his stripes, we were healed. Yes. Right. And so, We were healed. That's, that is physical, but that's also also emotional. And in our hearts, yes. Every part of us, God wants to heal us in every part of our bodies, in every part of our minds, in our hearts, all of our being.

Mm-hmm. And sometimes 

the things that we think he doesn't particularly deal with, he wants to deal with those things. Exactly. 

That's right. I like that you said that's so true 

because the devil will lie to you and tell you, well, you got yourself into that, or this and that, or the other. Mm-hmm. Or it's your fault or whatever, so that you stay locked in yourself and don't deal with whatever the issue may be.

Yep. 

Like you said, it's lies. It is, it is. He's, that's what he does. He's a liar. One Peter chapter two, verse 24. I'm gonna read that really quick and we probably have all heard it in different versions, but it says he, this is, Jesus personally carried our sins in his body on the cross willingly offering himself on it.

As on an altar of sacrifice so that we might die to sin, becoming immune from the penalty and power of sin and live for righteousness for by his wounds, you have been healed. Hmm. And that's talking about us. He's, he's talking about healing us. And Jesus did it. He carried it on the cross, so it's not ours to carry.

And when it does come around, keep giving it to him. Yeah, and keep letting him heal all the areas as Holy Spirit leads you, or you know, as if you have a therapist. As you continue to go to them, but there is hope on the other side and it's worth it. It's so worth it to acknowledge it and go through the process.

Mm-hmm. And find people to surround you that, that can pray for you. Yeah. People who can love you through this and help you and just be a support because you know it's important to have that. It's important to have that help in those people around you. Hmm. But just remember that God loves you right where you are.

He is literally the perfect father. Yeah. He has been the, our model, our example as parents, we weren't, we didn't always do it right, but he was always the example that we tried to fall back on. Mm-hmm. Especially as we grew and matured in our walk and. Where our 

father's lacked. Yep. He is more than willing to take over.

Yep, he does. And feel those areas. 

Yeah, he absolutely does. And he fills your heart. And you will get to a place where you don't feel the pain anymore. Even if you think of the memories, you don't feel the pain, you just, you know that you have the perfect father and that your father in heaven loves you.

Yeah. Like no one else. 

And if you're a believer, you have access to him. You know, there's that verse in the Bible that says, come boldly to the throne of grace. So you may find help in a time of need. Yes. And that is the presence of the Lord that we can enter into. That's right. And find whatever help we need.

If we need a father, he is there. Yep. 

Well, thank you everybody for listening, and we hope this has helped somebody bless somebody. And we love you all. Have a great rest of your week. God bless. Bye.