Fighting for Connection - Creating a Secure Marriage

Why I got Married

• Brett Nikula • Season 3 • Episode 69

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As my wife Kelsey and I eagerly await the arrival of our seventh bundle of joy, I find myself reflecting on the profound connection that's only deepened with each heartbeat. Join me, Brett Nicola, as I take you on a journey through the anticipation, the nerves, and the heartwarming moments that prelude the entrance of a new family member. This episode isn't just about the pitter-patter of tiny feet; it's a celebration of the strength and inspiration my incredible wife embodies, and a heartfelt thank you to you, my listeners, for being the supportive community that has encircled us with love.

Remember those first flutters of young love? Kelsey and I sure do. We're peeling back the layers of our high school sweetheart story, revealing the insecurities and infatuations that have since blossomed into a resilient partnership. Discover the pivotal gestures that laid the foundation of our bond and how understanding our unique love languages has been instrumental in nurturing our connection. It's a tale of growth, challenge, and the deep yearning for that special understanding that makes two hearts beat in unison.

But what truly keeps a marriage thriving through the routine and the unexpected? I'm opening up about the transformative wisdom that shifted my view from seeing marriage as a feel-good alliance to embracing it as a service-oriented commitment. It's about putting giving before receiving, about how serving Kelsey has unexpectedly enriched our lives in ways beyond imagination. So, come with me—whether you're nurturing a new relationship, fortifying a lifelong partnership, or anywhere in between—as we explore the art of communication, the gift of serving, and the steadfast dedication it takes to love truly and deeply.

Brett:

Episode number 69. Hello and welcome to the Fighting for Connection podcast. I'm Brett Nicola, a husband, father and fun lover. Listen in as I share stories, tips and inspiration that will move you toward the connection that you want in your relationship. Welcome back to the Fighting for Connection podcast. I hope you're having a great start to your week.

Brett:

It's cold here in Minnesota as I record this and, as of now, kelsey and I are still awaiting the arrival of our baby. Today is due date when I am recording this, January 20th, saturday morning here, and I always get so excited when the time for baby seems to be so close. This is now the seventh baby that we've awaited the arrival for Our first we actually knew a couple weeks ahead of time that we were going to have a C-section because our baby was breaching at the time. That was the advice of the doctors and we had our first VSC section and then since then it's kind of been back to standard operating procedures. So it's this waiting game and trying to figure out what Kelsey's body is telling her, and those of you who have had babies know what this is all about. So it seems close any day, any minute, any hour, and maybe it's because of my own excitement. I've always gotten so excited around this time. But it seems that the kids too seem to be anticipating the birth of this new child. Watch them talk about it a lot, even amongst themselves, just what it's going to be like to have a new kid in the home, and they talk a lot about it, with Kelsey and I asking when he's going to be born, how he's going to come out of the belly and all kinds of great questions like that. So in general, it seems that this I guess expected son is already finding a spot in our home.

Brett:

Kelsey, she's been a trooper through this whole thing. She's amazing with these pregnancies and just keeps going. She Thursday night she was out at the ski hill with us and I went to hockey last night and I come home and the house is just spick and span. So she seems to be feeling well and is. I guess if I was in her situation, I know I would probably be pretty miserable to be around, but she's been just a joy and that girl is a champ. That's about all I can say there.

Brett:

So I also want to say just a quick thank you to each of you that left a review on your podcast platforms and have shared the podcast. It's been a vulnerable ask for me to come on here and even ask for that. It's been easy to be critical of my own work and sometimes I wonder why I ever share it with all of you. It takes time and energy and effort and I know that there are so many other podcasts and sources of information and as I look around it can feel impossible to add to what all is already there. But here's the deal.

Brett:

I think back to a conversation that I had probably eight or ten years ago now, and it was a conversation with an older gentleman. He was maybe 35 years older than me or something around there Give or take five years and we were talking about me becoming a father. At that time I had one or two kids who was asking how it was going and we were just having this kind of open dialogue. And this guy's really a blue collar guy. He's not some well-known relationship guru or even necessarily educated and learned Wise. Yes, and I'm sure he didn't know he was going to change how I saw my role in my life and really change my life. In this conversation it was just kind of a casual conversation over a cup of coffee or something like that in the basement of my church. But he did, and I remember him looking at me in that conversation and asking this question and he said, Brett, want to know how you can love those kids. And I said yeah, of course, and he just simply told me love their mom. And those words have remained echoing in my thoughts throughout the years and I think that's why I share what I do here. We end up in conversations, we stumble across podcasts and we have interactions in our life that can change us for the better, and if that man hadn't simply shared his thoughts there, I wouldn't have had this simple message to help me drop my pride let offenses go and choose to love my wife. For some reason, there in that conversation in the basement of my church, there I was given this kind of inspiration that has helped me in my marriage. So maybe you too will have thoughts and hear a little bite size things like that that will support you and your life and your relationship long into the future.

Brett:

I also know that there are a million ways to have a relationship and I truly believe that there isn't one right way to be in a relationship. We have all kinds of different personalities and life circumstances that we are faced with, and this really affects our lot in life and what is possible even for our relationships. And in that way I think that everything that I say here won't apply to everyone listening. But I can only speak from my own position and my own experiences and my own education and I trust that you can kind of take what is here for you and leave the rest for other people and other situations. You know, I personally wouldn't even consider myself a relationship expert.

Brett:

I've been. I've been, I guess, identified as a relationship expert, but the way I see it, again, that relationships are so personal, nuanced and complicated, and the more that I've studied relationships, the more I've seen how fragile and multifaceted they are. I have interacted with so many relationships and I've seen behind the door of so many situations and individuals, lives and relationships, and that is true. It gives me this kind of experience and with experience comes, I guess, some knowledge or some wisdom maybe. But again, I shy away from thinking that I know what is best for relationships or I'm somehow an expert. But the way I see me is I'm a teacher and a coach. I'm a relationship teacher, a relationship coach, I'm a therapist. Those things I do identify with.

Brett:

But this idea of being an expert is one that seems like it would be such a high bar that in relationships are so nuanced that it just seems that it's not an accurate description of who I am and what I do. What I do think is I can help you see what is going on in your relationship. I work as a mirror in that way and I can provide you tools that I am well versed in. I've received extensive education around various tools and various ideas that are relationship based and I've learned how to use them in my own life and I've learned how to teach them to others, and that's what I do. I have this really small box in the world of relationships, but this little box has contained so much value for me and my relationship that I feel compelled to share it.

Brett:

So maybe to summarize that I don't think I'm a relationship expert, but I do think that my expertise are around things like the conflict cycle and that tool, and I'm studied in attachment theory and how that can affect our security within relationships and those kind of things that I've spent a lot of time around. I would say that, yeah, I have spent a lot of time there. I've maybe become somewhat of an expert in those things, but your relationship is yours and my tools are here just to help you support your relationship and in that way, that's kind of how I see my work here. And, if any of you know me, it's my personality that when I get excited about something, I'm going to share it with you. And I get so excited about these tools and these approaches that I've found in my own life and the success that I've been able to implement them in my own life and the results that I've seen in my own relationship, and then the ability that I've had to help other people utilize these tools in their relationships and watching the results that they've created in their relationships has made me super excited and I'm going to share it as long as it's mine to share, and in that way, I think that is also what you see here on this podcast. So I continue to learn, I continue to move forward one step at a time, and I remain grateful for the work that I get to do, the relationships that I've been given in my life and the support that I've felt. I really am there with you sharing my experience of what I have learned. We're all in this world of relationships together and there's always room, I believe, for conversation and new perspective and expansion on these things. So nothing that I say is I feel like you know law or rule, but it's just me kind of having this conversation, in the same way that I had this conversation with this older gentleman, and who knows, maybe there's things here that really help support you and your relationships. So that's why I do what I do and with that I want to share with you some of the thoughts that I have had lately around why I got married.

Brett:

When I first saw my wife, kelsey, I had one thought I need to figure out how to be around her more. We were in high school. She was on the first floor, I was up on the second floor. I've shared the story before. There's kind of a it's kind of like a overlook down into the first floor and she was walking across that opening there and I saw her and I was immediately drawn to her. Over the next few years it seemed like that draw was mutual and we started courting and getting to know each other with the intention of getting married.

Brett:

These next few years were tender years. Our relationship was just blossoming and it didn't necessarily have security and depth. We were definitely infatuated with each other and it seemed already then that I could feel the beginnings of our conflict cycle. So, even though I would say that we generally had a lot of grace for each other, we were able to overlook a lot of things and we just were kind of fired up to be with each other. But looking back now I can see that there were some things that were creating feelings that we just weren't discussing with each other. That ended up coming out years later. And, because we were in high school and we had the desire to have a courtship that pleased God, we were constantly hitting the brakes on the relationship and trying to keep it from moving too fast.

Brett:

And I would say that Kelsey was great at this. It really preserved our relationship and I remember I remember, even as great as she was at this, I felt worried that because she was able to kind of hold me at such a distance that was healthy and safe, it did create this sense for me that wow, I don't feel like I could do that. It was difficult for me and it seemed so easy for her and it had me thinking that maybe I felt feelings for her that are stronger than the feelings that she felt for me, and in this way it created this insecurity or instability that she wasn't as drawn to me as I was to her. And the truth was she had a deeper sense of self-discipline I guess is how I describe it, and I guess what I was thinking there. She had a deeper sense of the bigger picture. She could see, maybe, what would happen if we didn't show up this way, and she so much wanted that relationship to work out that she was doing it in a way that she believed would result in a successful courtship. So we got through that time and we got married on August 10th 2012. And so began our marriage. Now we live together and it seemed like all these worries and these insecurities would fade away and we just feel really good with each other. And something that I've learned over time is that when we bring these things into our relationship, they don't necessarily fade with more time together and being married and things like that.

Brett:

Something that I have learned about love is that there are two general components. The first is that we're attracted to this person, whether it's their looks or their personality or qualities. Maybe it's their full head of hair. Something draws us to them. For me, I remember a couple of things early on as I got to know Kelsey. Obviously, when I saw her from a distance I was drawn to her. I thought she was very pretty. But I also remember a time, as we were getting to know each other, that I saw her with a baby and I remember especially how tender and caring and gentle and how natural it seemed that she was with that baby and I remember especially feeling drawn and attracted to that. But then the second component is this that we feel they are drawn to us. So the person that we're drawn to, we also get the sense that they're drawn to us and it's because we all have these relational longings or attachment longings within us. These are the things that we most long for in our relationship, that help us feel safe, loved, secure and connected in our relationships.

Brett:

Think of like the five love languages. I would say the five love languages kind of come from this how most people use love languages I don't necessarily agree with. Most people have a love language and they kind of put it as a rule that other people have to love them through their love language. That's maybe a topic for another podcast. But we have these attachment longings that generally create our love language and it might be like you look for your spouse to help out around the house, initiate intimacy. You want to talk to you, longing that your spouse would say kind things to you or touch you or serve you in some way. These are ways that our attachment longings can be fulfilled and it works kind of like this that when we get the sense that our spouse wants to be with us and touch us and serve us, we feel safe. We get the sense that our relationship is secure.

Brett:

And for me I have had this longing and I've talked about it on this podcast before to be desired or to be wanted, and early in my relationship I felt this by our ongoing conversations, the sense that Kelsey wanted to be around me and hang out. It was, I think, really validating for that insecurity that she was the one to figure out how to like text me. She was. She texted me first on December 25th around 6pm, way back when, probably like 2009 or something. I don't know when it was Exactly. I'd have to do some math, but I do remember it was Christmas Day. In the evening I got a text Hayes, esprit, nicola and I said, yes, who's this? And she said Kelsey F and the rest is history. So that really kind of created this idea that she wanted me, she liked me, and she would make these little handmade cards and I could tell that she spent so much time on them and put a lot of effort into them and these were some of the things that really helped reassure me that this was a good, safe and strong relationship. And I also was able to figure out as I've done this, I've studied this stuff is that Kelsey has this personality or this longing that wants to feel connected and she always wants to be around people and wants to talk with people and wants to have the sense that she's connected and involved in this group of people that matter to her and she matters too.

Brett:

And early in our relationship I was really big into these sappy love quotes and I would send them to her and to be honest, I can't even I look back on some of those. I'm like, oh boy, like what? I don't even really, I don't really agree with some of these things anymore. They're so I don't know, they're just sappy love quotes that at the time I was I really felt them and I would send them to her and I would spend a lot of time texting her and talking with her and in this way we both kind of fulfilled each other's relational longings or attachment longings, and we were drawn to each other and we naturally met these attachment longings. So we met both of these components. We both were mutually drawn to each other and we both mutually felt drawn or like we were important to each other, like the other person was drawn to us and in this way we were in love and we got married. So I would say that is the logical reason why we got married. That's kind of how I see, like as I study relationships. That's how I see people fall in love and get married. But I've also seen in my life how there's been a greater purpose for our marriage. Kelsey has been such a support for me in my life and I know not everyone listening to this podcast has the same religion or is in the same faith as I am. But I think that there are some things that you can take from what I'm about to share that you can apply to your own marriage.

Brett:

It seemed like Kelsey and I just kind of ended up married. We were drawn to each other, it felt right. And I honestly didn't think about like why I was getting married. On the surface it was because, if you would have asked me like at 18, 19, it's like I wanna be with Kelsey all the time. I wanna future with her. I enjoyed her friendship. Those seem like good reasons to get married to me.

Brett:

But here's what happened. One day Kelsey and I found ourselves in a conflict cycle and I didn't feel all of those feelings as strongly as I once did. I didn't feel like I wanted to be with Kelsey all the time. I didn't feel like I was so confident our future was gonna be great together. I didn't enjoy in that moment her friendship. And so what do we do now? And I had to kind of figure out why I was married again, because all the reasons why I got married initially were kind of fading in this moment and what I began to realize is like those reasons aren't very stable. These feelings seem to kind of ebb and flow day to day and one day it really kind of hit me.

Brett:

I was sitting in a wedding I think it was a wedding of one of my sister-in-laws and I was listening. As I was listening to the marriage ceremony and the vows between that husband and wife. It was so clear then why I got married to Kelsey, and it was for one purpose it was to help her get to heaven, and there was instruction in that ceremony to also serve her and be a support to her. Before that, I would have this sense at times that Kelsey wasn't doing her job, that she wasn't making me feel desired, she wasn't helping, she wasn't showing up in a way that made me feel content and happy in our marriage and so in some way she was failing. But really, as I sat there in that wedding, I began to recognize that I was failing and this thought came to me that what if I didn't get married to get all of those feelings right, to get all of these feelings of wanting a future with her and a really strong friendship and all of these kind of things? Those things feel really good, and when they're not there it feels really bad. And so if I got married to feel good, then something has gone wrong when I don't feel good. But what if I got married to serve her and to support her and to help her get to heaven? This is now. It's kind of changing the paradigm of why I got married and I talk a lot about the feeling of connection in your marriage and this podcast is talking about I guess it's titled Fighting for Connection, and I guess I do think that that is something we all would like in our marriage.

Brett:

But I think a lot of us have feel like we're missing it, that something has gone wrong because we don't feel it, and it may seem like connection is a two-way street, that they have to make you feel connected and then it's your job to make them feel connected. But what I've found is that you have a much greater possibility of connection in your marriage when you aren't worried about what you're getting. Rather, you're more concerned with making sure you're doing your part. You're more focused on you rather than focused on them. So many times we get stuck in this place of like I'm not going to show up for you until you show up for me, and it's a chicken or the egg scenario.

Brett:

And I think it comes from this belief that you're married because you want a future with your spouse, you want to enjoy their friendship and you want them to make you happy, and when those things aren't in place, then they better get back into alignment so that you're in the marriage that you want and in this way marriage really stretches us. It's hard to show up in a loving, serving, caring, supportive way when it seems like our spouse isn't showing up in that way, when it feels like it's not reciprocal. But I do think that this is where growth really begins and really where we can focus on our self within a marriage. That what if the purpose of your marriage was to serve your spouse? It's really like this black and white measuring stick and I feel that when I use that against myself, I can see that I take way more than I give. And don't get me wrong. Like I do think we want to be in a reciprocal marriage where there's give and take, but I do also see in the relationships that I work with that there are these seasons and circumstances that put us in such a position that we end up having to give more than it seems that we get. And what if that was what marriage was all about? If you were here to really stretch yourself, to serve, even when it's not easy to serve?

Brett:

If your spouse got gravely injured and was unable to move, would you become a caregiver to them? I think so many people would. Is that equal, fair, maybe not right? Is it a part of the marriage vow that so many of us have made? I'd say for many, yes, and it's so clear. When we see someone like having a physical injury, like they can't move or can't talk, or paralyzed or something like that, it's easy for us to be like, well, yeah, I'll serve them, that's no problem. But oftentimes our spouse isn't necessarily paralyzed physically, but they are paralyzed emotionally and they don't have the capacity for emotional intimacy, for physical intimacy. Then what Do we get? Mad Do we get? Do we demand from them? Or do we love and support them? And when we just think about this, I think that we can see ourselves very clearly in our own relationships, and some of the most moving situations I've ever witnessed have come from a deep and seemingly unwavering love. It's so powerful.

Brett:

I want to share with you a quick story. There were times in my childhood where I would get the sense that I was not desired by my parents. I would disappoint them in some way. I would get bad grades at school or misbehave, and they would express their disappointment to me. Oftentimes it was in the home. I was misbehaving at home and I remember fleeing, running away, shutting myself in my room when they would get upset with me. But the lingering memory for me isn't this constant disappointment that I felt from my parents and it wasn't constant by any means, but that's not like the high part in my memory, it's not. Oh man, I just would disappoint my parents.

Brett:

But it was this that when I would disappoint my parents and I'd flee away, what would happen is my mom would come walking down the hallway I'd hear the creaking and and she'd come into my room and she'd sit on the bed and she'd kind of like scratch my back and just start talking to me, trying to figure out what happened, what was going on. And it was so reassuring to me that, even though I felt like I disappointed them, they came, they found me, they spent some time just talking with me and reassuring me. I don't think that was even like it wasn't her thought, like I'm gonna go reassure Brett, but it happened in that kind of a way that that action was so reassuring to me and it helped me feel like I was okay, that I was wanted, I was loved, and it was easy for me to feel and to believe that the love was there. Her disappointment and my parents' disappointment activated me for sure, created some insecurity or instability in our relationship, but the thing that was so powerful was the reassurance and it helped me to really believe that I was loved and cared for in that home.

Brett:

And I think that this is what happens in relationships that we do kind of create this insecurity or instability in each other, and that is just a part of relationships. But the thing that is so important is that we learn the ability to reassure each other. And when we feel this insecurity and then we get the sense of reassurance, we actually create a higher level or a deeper bond with each other, and that is what is the glue that can really keep a relationship close and connected. And when we can serve more than we feel like we've been served in our marriage, we can knock down walls, we can open up doors and we can let the person see that, even in their own human imperfection, there's someone on the other side that loves them and cares about them, and we can grow in our ability to serve without being served. But I think that there's so much room to grow around this and our communication.

Brett:

And when we're feeling hurt and alone in our marriage we tend to communicate from a protected space, and I guess where I'm going with this is that for sure we can just serve kind of unconditionally. But I think that that's an aspect that we can grow in. But we can also grow in our communication so that we can also invite our spouse into a relationship with us. That's kind of a back and forth, it's reciprocal and it's two way if it's possible. So I guess back to what I was saying is that when we are feeling hurt and alone in our marriage, we tend to communicate from like a protected space. We point, we teach, we accuse, we defend, we say we can't stand you and we really mean I worry that I'm inadequate. We say you're so lazy. When we mean I worry my priorities aren't important to you, that I'm not important to you, we say you're always late, when we mean I miss you and that we wanna feel close to you. And this protective communication is so confusing and it comes as a natural response to relationship pain.

Brett:

Your ability to increase clarity in your communication, to be more vulnerable and skilled in your communication, can help your spouse see what is happening for you and it can also help them see that they matter to you. It can reassure them and help them feel more safe to take a step towards you. It can invite them into a closer relationship for you or with you, and I really believe that that is why I got married it's to serve Kelsey, to kind of grow in my ability to do this and when I've been able to, in my own weak ways, serve her, it seems that I've received blessings that have far outweighed the sacrifice and it's taken like a real. It's required me to find some humility and for me that has really come through my own spiritual background, my own faith that I've been served so much and the least I can do is serve my wife. And when I've been able to do this it hasn't I wouldn't say it's been like something that I've been able to do on my own. It's really required faith and when I've done this it's not always like I can point to, like I did this and then this is what I got, but sometimes it's just been the feeling of doing what's right and I really believe that serving your spouse is the right thing to do, and with that comes a peace and a contentment.

Brett:

And in this way I guess it seems that if I can do this in my own and perfect way, but I can just move towards serving Kelsey more, having more capacity for her, loving her more. I can, too, fundamentally affect another human and create a more secure place for them to be in relationship, and I think you too have that same ability. I know others for sure have this ability because I've felt it in my own life with my parents, my friends and Kelsey. So I know that there was a lot there and a lot of different thoughts for me. I just felt like there's so many ways that this could go, but I hope you were able to take something from this.

Brett:

I know you have your own situation and I so much want to support you, and I guess I would encourage you to take what helps your marriage from this podcast and leave what doesn't Chew on the bones a little bit If it feels uncomfortable or it feels like no, this isn't for me. Just see if you can hold space for it for just a little bit. Try it on for size, see if it feels right for you and if it does do your work to move towards these ideals. I know we won't ever reach perfection in our marriage, but we can always serve ourselves by reflecting on the patterns and beliefs that are negatively affecting us and our relationships and our marriage, and I think that when we do this, when we really work to serve ourselves in this kind of a way, we serve so many other people. So take care, y'all.

Brett:

I will be here on the podcast baby or not next Monday and I just hope that all of you guys have an amazing week and keep showing up for yourself and your relationships. Amazing work out there, everybody. Bye-bye. This has been the Fighting for Connection podcast. If you've enjoyed this podcast and want more content like this, check out my Connected Couples Campus, which can be found on my website, wwwpivotalapproachcom, and become the difference you need in your relationship.

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