Holding Space

Embark on an intimate exploration with me, Brett Nicola, as I share the balancing act of nurturing a thriving career alongside a vibrant family life. Picture the heartwarming morning routine of dropping off the little ones at school and the cherished midday breaks spent with my beloved wife. These personal vignettes from my life as a devoted family man and a seasoned relationship coach frame today's episode, where I delve into the art of crafting robust communication structures for couples. Our heartfelt discussion will illuminate the ways in which clear and compassionate dialogue can not only bridge gaps but also fortify the bonds of partnership.

Witness the profound transformation that takes place when we create a sanctuary for our significant others to express their feelings authentically. I recount my own journey of learning to provide Kelsey, my wife, with a space to unfold her emotions without the pressure of my own reactions clouding the moment. It's about becoming the steadfast beacon in the emotional squalls that life casts our way. As we navigate through the tempest, I offer insights into acknowledging and supporting our partners' emotions as wholly their own, a testament to the strength and resilience that can blossom from such understanding. Tune in and let's venture together into the rich landscape of cultivating enduring, loving connections.

Chapters

• 0:01 Building Frameworks for Relationship Communication
• 15:22 Creating Space for Emotions in Relationships

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Episode number 72, holding Space. Hello and welcome to the Fighting for Connection podcast. I'm Brett Nicola, a husband, father and fun lover. Listen in as I share stories, tips and inspiration that will move you toward the connection that you want in your relationship. Hey, everybody, hope you all are doing well Today.

Speaker 1: 0:36

I guess I am just really feeling the feels I just came back from a quick lunch break at home and I got to spend some time with my wife and our three youngest boys. I have a job that I guess I just feel so blessed to have the ability that I have to. In the morning I get to drop off my kiddos every day at school. I love that time, just those whatever five minutes between home and school that I get to spend with them. Then the ability to run home and check in on my wife and the kids at home and have a quick bite to eat there with the family that is left at home is just something that fills me up so much. I didn't always know if what I'm doing right now is going to be possible or was going to be possible. Even the work that I do while I'm here at the office is sometimes it's like wow, this is what I get to do and I get to earn a living doing this. I have been earning a living doing this and it just feels remarkable to me. It feels like a blessing. I have to say that in working in this field, it seemed like the only way it was going to be real feasible for me financially was to do it within the confines of my own business.

Speaker 1: 2:09

Going out and starting a business and getting it to the place that it is today has been one of the hardest things that I have been through. I would have to say. I've had to really grow in so many ways and it's pushed me to levels of faith that I don't think I had before and brought me really to the edge of like I don't know if this is going to work and what is that going to mean. It's difficult to explain, but maybe other people who have done similar things or who have started their own business know what I'm talking about. It's also pushed me in other areas too. I've gone outside of my comfort zone and I've tried a lot of different things in terms of marketing and sharing and putting myself out there as a business and as a person. Those things have not all worked. They've gotten some negative feedback at times, but over the course of all of those things that I've done, I really have felt the growth that has come with that. More than that, I've felt the blessing that I have been given here in this job and in what I get to do.

Speaker 1: 3:47

There have been times where I wasn't sure if I would have the client base to continue on, if I would have the funding to continue on, but today it feels much more secure and I feel like for now I will get to continue to do what feels like a dream job to me and have these kind of opportunities where I get to connect with people throughout the day and have these touching points with my kids and my wife and it all kind of is interconnected in that type of way. So a little bit of a tangent. I don't know how I got there, but those are just some of the things that I think about as I drive back to the office from my lunch break. So get a little peek into my brain. I guess I really do look forward to continuing my craft and my skill set and I really want to continue to champion relationships that are hurting, struggling and in pain, and the longer I've done this, the more I've recognized that I don't have all of the answers. There's a lot of situations that are well over my head and over my scope. But this is the way I think about what I do, because if I don't keep this clear, I do get a little bit of what do they call it imposter syndrome. I just really feel like sometimes I can get lost in what my job actually is and this feeling of who am I can creep in. But in the growth of what I do and who I am, I've really helped myself get this kind of a picture. Maybe it will help you understand a little bit about what I do as well.

Speaker 1: 5:53

But I picture it this way that if you think of like a home, the elements that go into building a home are many and a home is very complicated in all its structure and finishes and plumbing and wiring and things like that. And typically when we're building a house one person doesn't do everything we have. Are we higher specialists to come in and do certain aspects of building that home? And if you think of your relationship as a home, there's many aspects to your relationship that require different professionals, different focuses, different tools. There's spiritual aspects of your relationship physical aspects of your relationship, emotional aspects of your relationship and financial aspects of your relationship. There's so many different elements and I wouldn't say that I'm very well versed in all of those elements, but what I do think is that I'm, as you would hire maybe, like a framer to frame your home.

Speaker 1: 7:15

I'm kind of a framer of a relationship, so I have skills and expertise to help you develop frameworks around communication specifically, and that's really my profession. That's what I do. I help couples who are struggling to communicate in ways that allow for them to show their care and love for each other and leave them feeling disconnected, distant and unstable or insecure in their relationship. I help them understand why there's that instability and insecurity and teach them how to develop a communication pattern or a framework to communicate so that they can feel close and connected, so that they can see the love that really is there. Again, I don't create love. I don't help people fall in love with each other. I don't get someone, get someone to fall in love with you.

Speaker 1: 8:13

Those aren't my expertise, but I do help couples communicate in different ways so that they can have more clarity in their relationship and feel higher levels of connection, security, intimacy and so on, and I'm able to do this with both the couple present or an individual from that couplehood present and as I've been able to get clarity around this and I've been able to show that to my clients and share that with all of you guys, it just seems that it's really helped me stay in my lane and I experienced less of that imposter syndrome. And I know that I'm just a small part of your relationship, but I get so excited to help couples understand how they can communicate in a clear way, how they can communicate with more vulnerability and more intimacy so that they can have more clarity and connection and security in their relationships. I feel like I've learned how to help distressed and conflicted couples develop. This is a new framework of communication in their relationship so that they can have a more secure bond, so that they can feel closer and more connected and so they can have higher levels of emotional intimacy and enjoyment in their relationship. And what I've found is that so many couples wait so long to remodel their homes if we're gonna go with that analogy to find a new framework for their communication, and they wait so long to reframe their communication and to have a different way of doing it, that oftentimes the pain of their old way of communicating has created distance and discontentment and disconnect, and sometimes couples in this process can even lose love for each other, which is so disheartening and sad to watch. But I really do think that if at any point we develop a framework that is more conducive to clear communication, that helps you guys share the care that you have for each other, we really can help couples move back closer together emotionally, physically, feel more secure in their relationship and can even develop a greater love for each other. And in no way am I a miracle worker, but I do feel like I have specific tools and frameworks that I can teach you and help you apply to your relationship so that again, there is more clarity, there is more emotional safety and a more secure bond in your relationship. So I would encourage you to reach out and to come learn directly from me how I can help you and your relationship.

Speaker 1: 11:22

Think of it as getting a drawing for, like, a home remodel. Kelsey and I have kind of kicked around the idea of remodeling our home and that was one of the things we did was reach out to get some renderings of what was possible. What would our home look like if we were to do this remodel and how could we make all of these things that we wanted in our home a possibility? And people are willing to do that to help you see that vision, help us see that vision, and that's really what I do with so many people. They come in for a 20 minute consultation. It isn't wasting my time. I really enjoy meeting people. I enjoy talking about these things with people and a 20 minute consultation goes by so quickly for me, but it gives you the opportunity to see a vision of maybe what's possible in your relationship. People ask me all the time how do you do what you do all day long, and it feels sometimes like it's a little bit of a callous response, but the truth is this is my playground. I so much enjoy supporting relationships and helping individuals experience less pain in their lives and higher levels of connection in their relationships, and I love to help you see what is possible for your relationship At home.

Speaker 1: 13:01

When I was home for lunch, I was just visiting with Kelsey there and she was having a tougher day for sure in her recovery. It was just like what 10, 12 days ago that she gave birth to her son and it really had me thinking about this idea of holding space. I hope you know by now that I love that girl and I'm sure so many of you guys have people who mean the world to you, like Kelsey does to me. And when I see Kelsey having a tough day, there's something inside of me that like desperately wants to make her happy. But it's not always possible and just the fact of seeing her unhappy creates some sort of anxiety in me. I never really recognized it until recently, but this, like when just seeing her unhappy, I get worried, I get anxious, I worry that her unhappiness in some way means that she's unhappy with me.

Speaker 1: 14:08

I know it's not logical, but I've been able to recognize that within me that I take so much responsibility for her happiness and I get so much reassurance within our relationship when I see her happy. It helps me know that okay, if she's happy, she's content, she is okay with her relationship, I'm enough. It helps to reassure me of some of those things and even though I know it isn't like logical, that's just kind of how emotionally I'm wired, and recognizing that has pushed me into this idea of holding space. Because if I can't hold space for that what happens is I try to make her happy, I try to change her emotion, I try to kind of control her in that way so that I can believe that if she was happy then I would believe that I was enough. But alas, even with me around, she can be sad, in pain or in a down mood, which sometimes is hard for me to recognize.

Speaker 1: 15:22

And as I've learned how to hold space for this, it's been such a helpful tool for me, and what it does is it really requires me to separate from Kelsey so that our energies don't pollute each other and so her down or in pain or her pain or whatever it is that she's experiencing doesn't pollute my energy. I need to see that her emotion is about her and not about us or about me, and I need to understand that she can be down and I can be up and that when she isn't in a spot to help me feel reassured, I can still move towards her with confidence and care, with curiosity and compassion, and simply hold space. And today it looked like me coming home and right away I knew that she wasn't going too hot, but I was able to just remain curious and, rather than get anxious and try to make her happy. I was just able to hold her in her pain and hold her in her sadness, and what that was for me, it was this feeling of being able to kind of create a little bubble around her where she can feel her emotion and she doesn't have to change it for anyone Not for me, not for the kids and it also kind of protects me from that emotion as well. So this is, I guess, just kind of how I picture.

Speaker 1: 17:06

It is like when she's in that place, there's this little bubble around her that allows for me to approach her and kind of see her in that pain, separate from us and me, and then I can also just hold her and have space for her in that place. And I've found that as I've been able to do that. It's hard to explain, but it's something that kind of happens within our brain where we're able to see that her emotion is about her. She's in pain, I can care for her, I can be curious about it, I don't have to like spiral out with her, and what I've found is I've been able to more easily just let her be sad and care for her and pick up the slack, and I really do it not so that she loves me, but because I love her, and this has been something that I haven't always been able to do In the past. I would come home and if she was in that mood, I would try to force her into being happy, and when she wouldn't listen to me, then I'd get frustrated and I'd get upset and I would get distant and I'd pull away and I'd have all these like feelings come up of inadequacy or like she wasn't happy with me or I wasn't enough for her.

Speaker 1: 18:36

And just getting more secure within myself and also seeing like this separation or this bubble around Kelsey, knowing that I can give her that space to have her emotion, like she can kind of just feel all of those emotions inside of that bubble and I can just hold the bubble, let her be, and also just care for her in the best way that I know how to care for her. And I really think that you too can create space for the person that you love in your relationship so that your spouse can have their emotion too and they don't need to change it to take care of you and your discomfort or your anxiety, like I have at times tried to get Kelsey to do, change her emotion so that I feel better. I can just let her have her emotion and really work to show up in a way that supports her and allows her to feel her emotion, experience her emotion. And what I've found is, when I have been able to show up in the way that I want to in the relationship, it's been so much more productive for us and our relationship, and I think the same thing can happen for you and your relationship. And when there's this bubble around Kelsey, I find that I can be more attentive, more caring, less reactive to her and her emotions, and I really believe the same thing is possible for you. And what I guess I find happens is that when the emotion passes, we are much closer to each other, we feel better about each other, we feel better about the relationship.

Speaker 1: 20:21

Less harm happens when we're in our funks and, by the way, kelsey is able to do this for me as well. She hasn't always been as good as she is at it either, but these are things that we've worked on and we've talked about, and as we've worked on these things and talked about them, we've found that they have truly changed the way that we show up in these spaces where either one of us has like a negative emotion, I would say and I know that this can be hard, but I really have found that it can feel so good and so stabilizing once we're able to do it and you and I can really be like a lighthouse for our spouse. When our spouse is off, in kind, of the treacherous seas of emotion, we can be there for them on the shore, stable, caring, calling them in close, that we're here, we're caring, we're supporting and this is a safe relationship and that allows for them to be out there, feel their emotions, process through it and find us their partner. So have a good week, everybody. I will see you and come back on this podcast. I don't know what to say besides see you. I will see you guys all next Monday at this same time. Bye-bye.

Speaker 1: 21:59

This has been the Fighting for Connection podcast. If you've enjoyed this podcast and want more content like this, check out my Connected Couples campus, which can be found on my website, wwwpivotalapproachcom, and become the difference you need in your relationship. Thank you.