Fighting for Connection - Creating a Secure Marriage
Want a close connected and secure relationship? Maybe you feel like something's not quite right in your relationship, even though there are a lot of good things. You and your partner love each other, but there are moments that hurt. It's normal for all relationships to experience conflict or worry. The difference between the couples that remain close and the couples that drift apart is their ability to work through conflict and moments of worry and insecurity within the relationship.
Listen in to discover new ways to stay close and connected even through the toughest moments life throws at you.. Learn how to deal with your patterns of conflict and make your connection stronger. Simply listen, learn, make changes, and see positive transformations in your relationship.
Brett Nikula is an LMFT and Relationship coach that works with couples that want to stay together, that really care about each other, learn to communicate in a way that reduces the pain in the relationship and increases the connection.
Fighting for Connection - Creating a Secure Marriage
Your Spouse Can't Make You
Have you ever caught yourself in the middle of an outburst, only to realize that you are, in fact, the master of your reactions? I, Brett Nikula, stumbled into such a revelation while grappling with a stubborn kitchen light – a humbling reminder that within the chaos of a frustrating moment, we choose how we respond. This episode is a heartfelt nod to you, the listener, celebrating the personal growth we've achieved and the deeper understanding we've cultivated about the choices that shape our relationships.
Drawing from the wells of self-compassion and clarity, I delve into the transformative power of owning up to our behaviors in our closest relationships. By embracing the struggles within us, we unlock a newfound empathy for others and refine the way we communicate love and frustration alike. As we unpack the choice between personal responsibility or finger-pointing, I extend an invitation to visit the Connected Couples Campus for additional tools to support your journey. Tune in, and let's continue to be the pioneers of change in how we foster connection and intimacy with those who matter most.
Episode 84, your Spouse Can't Make you. Hello and welcome to the Fighting for Connection podcast. I'm Brett Niccolo, a husband, father and fun lover. Listen in as I share stories, tips and inspiration that will move you toward the connection that you want in your relationship. Inspiration that will move you toward the connection that you want in your relationship. Hey everybody, I hope you are having an amazing day.
Speaker 1:Before I get into today's topic, I just wanted to let you all know how much I appreciate each of you. I'm now 84 episodes in and there's a whole bunch of you who've been, it seems like, with me since the beginning. Again, I can't really see or even understand who all listens to this, but I can just see how many downloads happen every week and I can see how quickly some of you guys download each episode, and I know that there are people out there who are listening for one reason or another. I don't always know what those reasons are, but I really take some time to consider how to best serve each of you, and yet it's been such a learning journey for me. Like any skill, some of us are maybe more natural than others and others of us take more time to develop. I can tell you that for me it really feels like this hasn't come naturally to me, nor has it felt like I've developed quickly, but you all have been so gracious with each episode that I've produced it's really given me space to try to develop, to grow. So I just want to say thank you. Next, I have to tell you about this moment that happened a while back Now. I wish I could say it was like years ago when I was, you know, a child, but it's just in my all too recent past.
Speaker 1:On that note, I think it's so important to highlight that perfection really isn't the goal in anything that I talk about here on this podcast. I really believe that we're all humans. I often joke with my clients that I'm going to hand them a really heavy diagnosis, and the diagnosis I'm going to give them is that they are human, meaning we're imperfect. All we simply can do is just recognize where maybe our skills aren't as developed as we'd like them to be. We can hone and craft those skills so that we're better at them and they serve us and others because of those skill sets. And something that I think is so important, especially in terms of relationships, is that when our imperfection does affect our relationships affect other humans that we learn how to repair. Repair is so important. The more I've looked at attachment theory, the more I've recognized how important repair is. Far more than perfection is important. I just think that it's something that we can definitely point towards, we can strive towards. None of us will ever make it, and so it's so important that we learn how to repair and we get really good at repairing when hurt happens in our relationships and within others because of our imperfection.
Speaker 1:Anyways, this event that took place in my all too recent history it must have been on a Saturday because I was getting some house projects done, those kind of house projects that pop up during the week and end up on a checklist somewhere and seem to stack up at least in our house. One of the items on my list that day was to replace the light in our kitchen. So I get around to that project. I open up the box, I check out the new light, hop up on a stool, then I take down the old light. People might say that I look better in the dark or that I have a face for radio, but let me tell you about five minutes later it wasn't very pretty.
Speaker 1:I had gotten fairly worked up and I was frustrated. I'll spare you the details and I'm not going to paint you too vivid of a picture. But after the dust had settled, Kelsey was just kind of wondering like, and why on earth was I behaving the way that I was? I told her the simple answer it was because of the light. The light had made me so frustrated and I have to tell you, my friends, that I don't think she bought it. I don't think she thought that the light made me do anything and I think she kind of knew that that behavior was done all on my own, without any of the light's help.
Speaker 1:I really know this firsthand, that the light didn't make me behave the way that I did, because I've watched others working on similarly frustrating projects and I'm just amazed at how, as they're going through the project, they just kind of whistle away and do-do-do you know kind of work on the project and it doesn't seem to bother them at all. They move from one unexpected problem to the next. They'll even kind of explain to me with a little laugh that you know you've got to expect one or two of these types of problems on any project that you work on. It's just so true, and I would say I've even experienced this in my life and in the work that I do. I've seen the same scenario play out where a kid will write their name in marker on a wall, and when I'm like, why did you do that? They'll answer a very simple answer Because my sibling made me do it. There was another child that made them write their name in marker on our wall.
Speaker 1:And when a spouse stops talking and shuts down or gets angry and frustrated, we ask them why. The answer invariably comes around to their spouse made them behave that way. The problem here is nobody can make you. I promise there's nothing that anyone can make you do, and if you're finding that you are behaving in ways that aren't helping your relationship and your brain is telling you it's because of them. It's time to begin to recognize that it's because of you, not because of your spouse.
Speaker 1:And I think a great question to ask ourselves here is this what adjectives do I want to be described with as a spouse? Are those adjectives things like kind, caring, supportive, mean, cold, apathetic? There are a wide range of adjectives that we could use to describe someone, right? It's amazing that everyone that I've ever directly asked that question to, has responded with adjectives in line with care. You know. Rather than being described as mean, cold, apathetic, they want to be described as kind, caring, supportive. I'm guessing that that is the case for you too.
Speaker 1:If you find yourself moving away from those adjectives that you want to be described as, I would even recommend writing them down somewhere, like how do you want to show up as a spouse, be able to look at that and then recognize when you're not showing up that way, you know what's really powerful about writing them down and looking at them. When someone else says, hey, why aren't you kind, we also can kind of look at those and say, well, that was the way that I show up kindly, so we can have our back on that. And now we can remain curious. Why didn't they experience it as kindness? And when we don't have to defend ourselves, we can remain curious and we can really understand why they didn't experience it as kindness. And who knows, maybe that will shift the way that we show up around them and sometimes not. It doesn't mean you have to move. If you're showing up in a kind way, you have your back, you can remain curious. Sometimes that changes us. Sometimes we stay showing up the way that we do.
Speaker 1:That being said, your spouse, no matter what they are doing, cannot make you call them a name, shut them out, shout at them. They can't make you stick your tongue out at them either. I promise, just like in the example of me installing that light, I have to figure out how to approach that project in a way that gives me more patience so I can find more patience within me around that project. Just as a small example, one of the ways that I've learned to do this is to say the same things that those guys who are whistling on that project say to themselves that you know, you got to expect one or two unexpected problems on every project. As I've really taken on that thought and gone into those projects with that type of belief, it's really allowed me to stay much more patient as I'm working on those, because I already expected to run into unexpected problems and expectations are. So much of this and that's maybe a whole nother podcast.
Speaker 1:But when we find that our relationships aren't going well and I would say that this is something that I've really found to be helpful for me that when I find that my relationship isn't going well, I always look for the pain and I'm almost always able to find it either in myself or within the other person within Kelsey and for me, when I see and I'm able to recognize pain, I find that it brings compassion. And when we really can see someone in pain and when I really see someone in pain, I find that it brings compassion. And when we really can see someone in pain and when I really see someone in pain, it just naturally creates this sense of compassion within me. So those are things that we can do to take back control of ourselves, right, and we're not giving away control to our spouse, allowing them to make us do something. We can take that back and I really believe it's possible that our spouse could say I hate you and we could respond with it seems like you're hurting and I really want to understand what's going on, because you're so important to me, I love you, I care about you. Help me understand.
Speaker 1:I watch parents do this all the time with their kids. I know it's possible. I watch pet owners do this with their dogs. They'll have their dogs bite them and they'll be able to see the pain in the dog far more than they feel the pain within themselves. They'll have their dog bite them and they'll say, oh, he's a rescue dog and we're working with him. We're trying to help him recognize that he's in a safe home now. He doesn't need to bite.
Speaker 1:So when we see pain, we're able to feel compassion, and often within relationships, what happens is we feel so much pain within ourselves that we can't see the other person's pain. It's important that we recognize the pain within ourselves, because then we can even have compassion within ourselves. We can get language and help explain and help describe what's happening within us, and that allows other people to feel compassion as well and it just helps relationships have more clarity. So next time your brain tells you that your spouse is making you do something, stop it. Take responsibility to do the work that you need to do so that you can be the change that you need in your relationships. I'll talk to you all next week. Bye-bye, this has been the Fighting for Connection podcast. If you've enjoyed this podcast and want more content like this, check out my Connected Couples Campus, which can be found on my website, wwwpivotalapproachcom, and become the difference you need in your relationship. Thank you.
