S2 Episode 20: Mastering the Art of Midlife Relationship Changes
Nov 09, 2023Season 2Episode 20
Christina Smith
When relationships shift and evolve during our midlife years, how do we gracefully navigate these changes? That's the question Maryam Solhjou, a resilience and midlife coach, helps us tackle in this episode. Drawing from her deep experience, she guides us to understand that acknowledging the natural progress in our relationships can bring about tranquility and reduce stress. We explore the significance of identifying and managing our emotions during these transitions, and how these changes can often resurrect past hurts, opening an avenue for personal growth and healing.
We then move on to the art of asserting our needs in relationships and taking command of our emotions rather than trying to control the other person. By recognizing what triggers us, we can better manage relationship shifts. The power of setting boundaries also comes into play here, showing us that personal growth can significantly impact our friendships. We further delve into how acknowledging and respecting our diverse backgrounds can prevent conflicts and misunderstandings.
In the concluding part of our discussion, we emphasize the strength of female friendships and the importance of nurturing and developing new connections. We share practical advice on finding like-minded groups using platforms like Meetup and Nextdoor, and how volunteering can broaden our social circles. The golden thread running through this conversation is the imperative of actively creating opportunities for new friendships rather than merely waiting for them to occur. Tune in and learn to navigate the changing dynamics of midlife relationships with resilience and grace.
ABOUT Maryam: Maryam is a resilience + midlife coach. She's been married for about 35 years, with two adult children and one pup who keeps her on her toes. She has a masters in Org Psy, with a research background in positive psychology and women's psychology. She's struggled (and grown) from navigating midlife's new variables, and she works with her clients to do the same.
When relationships shift and evolve during our midlife years, how do we gracefully navigate these changes? That's the question Maryam Solhjou, a resilience and midlife coach, helps us tackle in this episode. Drawing from her deep experience, she guides us to understand that acknowledging the natural progress in our relationships can bring about tranquility and reduce stress. We explore the significance of identifying and managing our emotions during these transitions, and how these changes can often resurrect past hurts, opening an avenue for personal growth and healing.
We then move on to the art of asserting our needs in relationships and taking command of our emotions rather than trying to control the other person. By recognizing what triggers us, we can better manage relationship shifts. The power of setting boundaries also comes into play here, showing us that personal growth can significantly impact our friendships. We further delve into how acknowledging and respecting our diverse backgrounds can prevent conflicts and misunderstandings.
In the concluding part of our discussion, we emphasize the strength of female friendships and the importance of nurturing and developing new connections. We share practical advice on finding like-minded groups using platforms like Meetup and Nextdoor, and how volunteering can broaden our social circles. The golden thread running through this conversation is the imperative of actively creating opportunities for new friendships rather than merely waiting for them to occur. Tune in and learn to navigate the changing dynamics of midlife relationships with resilience and grace.
ABOUT Maryam: Maryam is a resilience + midlife coach. She's been married for about 35 years, with two adult children and one pup who keeps her on her toes. She has a masters in Org Psy, with a research background in positive psychology and women's psychology. She's struggled (and grown) from navigating midlife's new variables, and she works with her clients to do the same.
Well, welcome back shifters to a new week. We have Maryam on today, and Maryam is a resilience and midlife coach. So we are talking to someone who, even you know, specializes in relationships as well as just resilience, right, Because I think in midlife we need a lot of resilience in our friendship sometimes. But that's just my personal opinion. Welcome Maryam. Thank you so much for being here.
Maryam Solhjou:
Thank you, it's a pleasure to be here.
Christina Smith:
Yeah, I'm looking forward to this conversation but before we start because I know friendships is such a big thing in midlife A lot of us are letting go of our kids. We're a little bit more comfortable in our careers maybe, and now we're like okay, so where'd all my friends go? But before we start that conversation, tell us a little bit more about you.
Maryam Solhjou:
Yeah, so, as you said, I am a resilience coach and I specialize in working with people in midlife going through changing relationships and, as you know and probably have experienced like I have, relationships do change in this stage of life. Our needs are changing. Our children have grown up, so we have empty nest going on, we may be dealing with aging parents, careers may be changing. Lots of changes happen in this stage. So that impacts what our needs are and that impacts our relationships. So, yeah, I help folks navigate all that stuff.
Christina Smith:
Yeah, and what I love about this is like we always I always look at midlife as if it's a second adolescence and when we look at like the adolescent archetype, it's really about like who am I and how do I socially have these relationships right? That's the stage where we start making friends on our own, not just because we're stuck in a play date or whatever, but we really start reassessing, like who is it that I actually want to be in connection with and want to relate to? And I think that this happens again in midlife for us, when we start going okay, what relationships are actually benefiting me and which ones are a little bit more of a struggle and I loved we were talking before this, just so you could go y'all in that you were saying there's different phases to relationships. So where do we start? Where do you want to start with this whole friendship thing in midlife?
Maryam Solhjou:
You know I'd like to start with what I'm excuse me, I have a little bit of a cough.
Maryam Solhjou:
So what I'd like to start with is what I see a lot of people stress over during this stage.
Maryam Solhjou:
I think we're all gravitating or the good chunk of us are gravitating having more peace in our relationships, having less drama in our relationships.
Maryam Solhjou:
And, you know, as our needs are changing those relationships, our relationships are going to be changing our friendships and that can leave us stressed that why isn't my friendship like it was five years ago, 10 years ago? Right, when there is an acceptance of my relationships are going to change, right, because I am changing right, there is so much less stress when you accept that that you know. So that when something does come up with one of your friendships or any relationship, that, oh okay, I understand, because this is supposed to be happening, things are going to be changing. Now, of course, if there are obstacles or challenges that need to be addressed, you address them. But part of really evolving, part of resilience, is understanding our emotions when our relationships are changing and being able to sit with and navigate those emotions when those relationships change and not so much fight it or have a lot of drama around it, you know, getting to a place of acceptance when it comes to those relationships changing.
Christina Smith:
I love that because just recently I went through a shift in a relationship with a friend and it was really crushing to me, you know, and I had to start working through that. I was feeling abandoned, right, and not necessarily, you know, this woman was doing whatever's best for her mental health and what she needs right now. And so, like you were saying, things change because our needs change. And I had to realize, like you know, it's not always like the movies where you have one friend or you know five friends and you have them for your entire life and I mean it works out for my husband, it doesn't necessarily work out for me. And so it wasn't just the one shift of this relationship, it was that suddenly it was bringing all of that emotional wounding from all the relationships that I've had where I felt abandoned or estranged or you know, not really sure what was going on.
Christina Smith:
So that's just one way that things can shift. And after I worked that out and I was like, oh, hold on, that's actually I call it a fishnet of wounds that every time, every time somebody kind of pings and this whole fishnet of wounds comes up and I forget that it's not about just this relationship, it's about being able to more work through it and be like well, relationships are meant to change. They aren't gonna stay the same, Like even if you're married for 50 years, your relationship at year zero, year 10, year 20, year 30, they're all gonna be different. And so how do you help them work through the emotions that are going on? I'm sure the abandonment thing must be a common one but.
Christina Smith:
I'm sure there's so many others too.
Maryam Solhjou:
Right, and I'm so glad that you brought that up, because it really can trigger a lot of stuff from our background when these changes happen, right, things that we haven't healed yet. But I think it's such a, it's so insightful and such a gift if we're able to notice, oh wow, this is triggering something in me that has really nothing to do with this current situation, but stuff from my background that Maybe this is an invitation for me to do some of my inner work. Right, it's. It's really easy for us to fall into the blaming and pointing and getting angry at the other person when, in fact, first of all, we don't know what other people are going through. I mean, we may think we do, but we really don't know what other people are going through. So they may have certain wounds that and they probably do in certain triggers that you know they're triggered right now and things are changing.
Maryam Solhjou:
I have found that, even when I have Encountered friends who I feel lash out, my first response is not to get defensive. I have on so many occasions Reached out hey, this is not like you, what's going on with you that you're sending such a text? Right. So being aware of not getting defensive first, because most of the time it has nothing to do with us. A good chunk of the time it just has to do with what that other person is going through. So extending Compassion, extending empathy, really, I have found reduces our stress, instead of making it about me and getting defensive About it, because that that those emotions can just linger and then, you know, spill into other areas of our life. The sooner we're able to Do that and go through that process, the easier it is and it doesn't spill into other areas of our life.
Christina Smith:
Mmm, I love that so much because I always see relationships, friendships, whatever it is. It's like such an opportunity for own growth, work, because whatever is going on, I know that if I'm getting to the point where I do want to lash out, where I do want to, like, point out what they're doing Wrong or whatever, like I know, I'm in that wounded small part of me, that wounded child part of me that suddenly, you know, wakes up and just doesn't want it to be my fault because I can't fix anything from that, an unempowered place. And the other thing that can happen is we just start telling ourselves stories about it. And I know in the past I was really proud of myself this year when this relationship shifted and I really didn't tell myself stories about it. Instead I was like, okay, well, I don't know what's going on for her, I don't know what's happening for her, but I Didn't tell myself stories about it, which I think is the worst part when it comes to like, at least for me.
Christina Smith:
For the emotional part is I can sit here and go oh, there must be something wrong with me, she doesn't want to share something with me, I must have done something, and I can go down that whole suffering spiral but instead we can just ask directly, like what's going on, and we may not get a direct answer or an answer that Feels fulfilling to us, but at least we know if we asked, we opened up space For that conversation. If the other person is scared of saying something like that, or we've opened up the conversation to hear hey, this just doesn't fit for me. The way that, you know, we've the schedule that we used to have of friends and do that stuff just doesn't fit for me. So that I can understand more before I just go down that suffering spiral and telling myself all kinds of nasty stuff about me.
Maryam Solhjou:
Yes, yes, very true. And you know, the thing is is that we might fall into those stories, right, stories about me, stories about the other person. I Think that initially naturally happens for all of us. The difference, I think, is when we're able to catch ourselves before we go down that wrap a hole before it, before we stay in there too long, right? So, as you said, it's okay, we all have those stories, that just trying to catch us ourselves sooner and which opens up to, if it lingers and you think you need to have a conversation with the other person, hey, do so. Right, because one it's okay if you don't get the response you're looking for.
Maryam Solhjou:
I always say, when you have difficult conversations, no matter how the conversation goes afterwards, congratulate yourself on initiating or sitting in on a difficult conversations, right, because I think most of us have problems with having difficult conversations and Then, when we do have them, we're like oh, I know we shouldn't have had that conversation because it didn't go like I plan, but we have to remember to congratulate ourselves and really acknowledge ourselves for doing something that was difficult. Right, because that's part of resilience knowing something is difficult and doing it anyway, right.
Christina Smith:
And it's so vulnerable sometimes for some of us to have those conversations, especially if we grew up in a household where everything was kind of swept under the rug and we just ignored it all, and what I've learned is, if I don't bring those conversations up, it just gets worse like I mean.
Christina Smith:
I start having judgments and I start going, oh, why doesn't she change her behavior? And you know, and I can get into a very Self-centered kind of thought process where I'm like, well, that's not the way I would have treated them. And I see all of all of that perspective. That's like how dare they treat me, that's not how I would treat them, but like we have to understand that not everybody grew up like us, you know.
Christina Smith:
Not everybody grew up with the same exact perspective and so I think one of the one of their struggles that we don't always ask for what we want or say, hey, this doesn't work for me. Can we do something different? Or can we shift the way that we're interacting here, or just asking for what we want, knowing we may not get it, because if we're not asking it's a demand and that's not a question but like just knowing that we can actually ask for what we want, and I don't think I I knew that before I was 40, or if I did.
Christina Smith:
It was way too Scary for me to even try to ask for what I wanted. I should just Buck up and deal with it right instead.
Christina Smith:
Of actually pointing something out and I thought how terrible of a friend am I if I'm not pointing out what I think Might be hurting this person's other relationships as well? Not saying that I'm right, just saying this is a point I'm bringing up. So I Think asking for what we want is something that we often skip over and we go to that. Some of my clients go to that. Well, they should have known.
Maryam Solhjou:
Yeah, that's yeah. So a couple of things I want to touch on there. So I'm gonna come back for asking what we want, but the the first part of what you said was what was the first part that you said Okay, now it's just completely. I completely lost my thought. Okay so what when we're, when we're talking about asking for what we want. First we have to Recognize what is it that is being triggered in me right?
Christina Smith:
and.
Maryam Solhjou:
And whatever feeling is coming up for me anxiousness, being scared, whatever it is the other person is not responsible for what I'm going through, right, I am responsible for my own emotions. So when I'm asking for what I want, I have to be aware of, okay, well, if, if what she's doing is making me, for example, jealous, right? Well, I mean, I can't ask the other person to stop doing something because I'm getting jealous, right that? That is something I need to work on. I'm responsible for my own feelings, right. I can't hold someone else responsible for my feelings. So we have to be aware of when we're asking for what we want. Is it really something that is our responsibility to take care of, or the other person? So that's really important in in doing that and if I remember my second thought, I will I will come come back to it.
Christina Smith:
That's an important thought right there is, you know, realizing. I do a little class once in a while called whose problem is it anyway, like if we're in a conflict or if we're having a struggle, like whose problem is it. And I always say the person with the problem is the person with the problem. So meaning the person with the feelings or the trigger around it is the person with the problem, and it doesn't become that other person's challenge or conflict until we actually ask for what we want.
Christina Smith:
And a lot of times we don't have to do that, which I think is like what you were just explaining. If I'm feeling jealous, am I going to say to my friend, oh, don't shine so brightly, don't you know, show all of who you are, because I get jealous? No, that's ridiculous. Delicacy is something I have to work out within my own self. Am I? Am I sad because I don't shine my own light bright enough? Is that what's going on? Am I sad that I don't feel like I have the same opportunities or I'm not creating the same opportunities as this other person is? And so, looking at that part, I love that you brought that up because I think that that that really is essential because it's ownership Like that's the ownership of that fishnetta wounds that I have, that I can get jealous, that I feel abandoned, that I get mad when you do that thing. It's like, well, that's all about me and the stories I'm telling myself about it not about that other person.
Christina Smith:
So often there I don't even ask the other person for anything, because by the time I've done my own work I'm like, oh, I get what it is, I get what it is Exactly, exactly, exactly about me.
Maryam Solhjou:
Yeah, I think that's a big one in all relationships that really is just like such a. There's so much peace when we can do that, because now I have control over what I can do about it, versus if it's in the other person I have no control. I mean, I have a hard enough time controlling me, let alone trying to control somebody else, right? So when it is me, I have so much more control over it, right? Who can I reach out to? Can I reach out to my therapist? Can I reach out to my coach? Can I reach out to a friend? What is it that I can do to now wrap my head around this thing that's going on in me, because it's just such so much more controllable when, I can take ownership over it.
Christina Smith:
I love that and like for me. Most of the time when I work through these things with my clients, it's usually something that they can control right. In the fact of like boundaries, I'm not creating boundaries for myself and therefore I'm allowing this person in spaces that I don't want them in or, you know, to act in ways that I don't find acceptable or whatever the thing is. It's me being mad at me for not making those boundaries and there's a little bit of anger, don't get me wrong.
Christina Smith:
My inner child wants to put this in Says there's a little bit of anger at the fact that I have to make boundaries right. That I can't get, you know, but it's like the grown up part of us goes yeah, for all people, we're going to have different perspectives, different ways of approaching things. We're going to have to make our own boundaries. Yeah, I want to bring up just one point, because so many people are like well, I created boundaries for her. You don't create boundaries for other people, you create boundaries for yourself. A boundary isn't like I don't like you doing that, so you can't do that around me anymore. A boundary is like if I see you doing that and that feels unsafe to me, I'm going to remove myself from that situation, so I can feel safe.
Christina Smith:
It's what I'm going to do if this continues, and I think that that's a huge major thing for us to look at. Yes, for adults, you're going to have to make boundaries with yourself. There's no perfect relationship out there in which the other person is always going to know what you need, what you like, what you don't like, what your limits are. So we have to make that for ourselves, and what I loved about what you just said is when it's us, we have so much power that's like true empowerment is that I don't need to control this relationship or this other person. I just need to control how I show up to it and what work I do around it, and it's such a gift to be able to do that growth work.
Christina Smith:
And, speaking of that, this is what I've also noticed is you were talking about phases of friendships, and I think that this is really important, because what can happen is somebody can do a lot of their own inner work and the other person's not necessarily doing the same kind of work, and I've seen that be like a real rift in relationships. Yeah, and I used to see it and my clients always see it as like Ah, this is a break in the relationship rather than this is a shift in the relationship, and so, as I do more personal growth work, I'm probably gonna seek out friends that are also doing some personal growth work. It's helpful to be on the same level.
Maryam Solhjou:
Yeah, I agree, and you know we have, and it doesn't mean that we disconnect from the other person, right? It doesn't mean we are estranged from the other person.
Maryam Solhjou:
I have so many friendships that have evolved. I still am in touch with them, we talk on the phone, we chat through text, but it's different than it was five years ago or ten years ago, right, we've evolved. They've gone in a certain direction, right, and they may be spending their time with certain people, and I've gone in a certain direction. I always say Estrangement is like negative energy, right, and if a friendship is leaving a bad taste in your mouth and it's just lingering, where it's hard for you to bump into that person, or it's hard for you to look at their picture or see their name in your cell phone still in your contacts, and there's work for us to do. When that, when that kind, those kinds of feelings and that that bad taste is still in our mouth, there's that that's really an invitation for us to do our our own work and it's really, if we can view it as a gift, it really is a gift, it's a jewel for us. Yeah.
Christina Smith:
Mmm, I love that. That it's a gift Really, is. I mean, I think that that's the number one thing, for relationships is not necessarily about the relationship it's, but it's about, like, what can I learn about myself by being in relationship with this person? Because I think that that's so Essential. That's the whole reason for I mean not the only reason for relationships we love to be in connection. Humans need other humans, but I think it is one of the biggest gifts that I get from relationships like, oh, I'm seeing more of me and what makes me tick, what makes me triggered, what Creates all of that stuff. So I think that that's so important. So how do we Make new friends? And if we, if we do become estranged or like you said, we have these relationships, maybe we used to get together with this friend every week, and now it's like more, like twice a year or something. We might want to fill that void. So how do we Create new friendships in midlife, I think?
Christina Smith:
that this is such a it's like the number one question, I guess.
Maryam Solhjou:
Yes, it is a big question, so I want to go to that, but I remembered the point I wanted to make earlier. Okay, I and I wrote it, I wrote a note down. I'm like, let me make sure I mentioned this. So, when you were talking about, like, if somebody does something and we can really set and we say I would have never done what they did, right?
Maryam Solhjou:
I think that when, whenever that thought comes up for us, or whenever we find ourselves speaking those words, we got to stop because, look, every single one of us grew up in different households, different families, that that Vital phase of you know who our caretakers were, our Adolescents, our young adulthood. We've all had so many different experiences. There is no way that we can expect Somebody else to Do what we would have done in that situation. Right? And I think that can really, really hurt relationships is we get offended because I would have never done what that person did right? Just recognizing that we are Individuals, very different, and we all are going to act different ways in our relationships, I think that can bring a lot of peace, inner peace, when we recognize that and just catch ourselves when we go down that line of thinking I would have never done that, yeah. So that's the point I wanted to make, so I'm gonna.
Maryam Solhjou:
I'm so glad you made it though. Yeah, but yeah, so glad you made it because, like I, have clients who are like oh, my friend, she didn't message me on my birthday, and I mean how could she and they?
Christina Smith:
they'll stay mad for like weeks and it's like we don't know what was going on. Maybe she forgot it was your birthday. Maybe in her life birthdays weren't that important, or exactly like she just ignores them, like we have no idea what that means. But we're assigning meaning is what I think that is important to that right, that conversation that you're having around that is. It's that assigned meaning that we're giving it like it must mean that she doesn't care, that I'm not important to her. Blah, blah, blah. Yeah, but I think that's the point that I think we have to make. I think that's the point that we have to make blah blah and we make up all these stories rather than just going, hey, it was my birthday, I didn't get a message from you, or even, ahead of time, going, hey, my birthday is next week. Yeah, I would really love. Yes, yeah, making me ask rather than assumption.
Maryam Solhjou:
Yeah, so many of our friendships actually are, you know can get ruined that way is because of that point of thinking yeah.
Maryam Solhjou:
Yeah so when it comes to friendships, um, or making new friends, I always say we can't do it if we're just sitting down on the couch wishing for new friends, and I see that a lot that people are not putting themselves out there and saying you know, I want new friends. So it won't happen that way, right, because we are not going to school, so we're not surrounded by getting to know people. A lot of us are working from home or not working anymore, so we don't have that work environment. So we really have to make an effort, as we get older, to build new connections. So I have found a couple of different ways that I have found that this works is figuring out what our interests are right, and signing up for classes that have those interests, right. This is how we connect with other people with similar values and similar interests, right? So those classes and gatherings and groups are really good, and we have like platforms like Meetup that have those things, and if you're in your neighborhood, there's the Nextdoor app, you can, like you know, get people together and if you don't see a class, you can always create your own group, right. So those classes and groups where our interests are are the best places to meet people.
Maryam Solhjou:
Another area is volunteering. You know, recently I started volunteering at our local shelter. I mean, I'm looking on Nextdoor and I see there are so many needs right now that shelters are overpacked. I like dogs, I like dealing with the psychology of dogs, so I'm like you know, let me volunteer at my local shelter. I've made so many new connections, it's like my brain is growing in so many new ways dealing with, you know, the place that I'm volunteering.
Maryam Solhjou:
So those two areas, I think, are someplace where we, but we have to make an effort. First we have to, you know, figure out what our interests are and then actually taking time to research. You know, where can I find these groups? Where do I want to volunteer? And then, once we meet those people in those in those circles, making an effort to meet with them outside of those classes and outside of the volunteer environment, so that we can see do I still connect with them outside of that setting? Right, how well do I connect with them outside of that setting? So I think that's that's important too.
Maryam Solhjou:
So those are the suggestions that I have, and I know it takes effort, but we just can't do it just sitting and wishing for it, which I see, a lot of women are just dismayed and they're like, oh, I need new people in my life. So it takes a little bit of an effort but it's so well worth it. I've done it in my own life and I help my clients do that, so it's really rewarding because not only can you make good friends right, you can make good friends that you can have coffee with you know, meet with, chat with, but you also extend your social circle, right, so you can make good friends and then, just on that, just the rings of the social circles that we have, that gets extended too, because everybody knows another 10, 20 people that they introduce you to, right, they invite you to a party. You've got another 10, 20 people there who do you connect with. Yeah, so those are great ways to do that.
Christina Smith:
I love that so much and yet, like I feel you on the, we want to sit on our couch and just have good friends, like walk up into our living room and be like, hey, I'm here to be your friend now and like, unless you're just ordering door dash every day, making friends with the door dash, or it's a little bit more challenging and I moved from the east coast to the southwest about five years ago. We knew no one, I mean other than my son was here, but we knew no one. And people are like well, how did you create such a great circle of friends in Arizona? I don't understand it. And I was like well, I did the work. You know, I did go to meet up, I did find some meetups of things like hiking and stuff, things that I like to do, and I wanted to have like something more. I wanted to create a circle of women.
Maryam Solhjou:
So what did?
Christina Smith:
I do it's, I created it. I created open circle, you know, an open circle for women to come share whatever is going on for them, whether it's celebrating or doing, you know, talking about the hard things and that's how a lot of women got to meet each other, and I mean it was work, though I mean it wasn't like. I was just like let me just manifest some friends right here and they're just going to bring my doorbell and it's going to happen, and I say this to women, and then they get like discouraged yeah, I don't want to do that yeah.
Christina Smith:
Well, you know how badly do we want our friendship.
Maryam Solhjou:
Exactly, and you know it's an investment. It's harder work right now, right, it's effort right now. It's difficult right now, but hey, you know those friendships are going to be really vital to us as we grow older. So if we think that I'm putting the work in right now and investing in my future, right, because those relationships are going to be really important as we age, yeah, and we're all craving human connection right now. We're just coming out of the pandemic, so many things are moving to zoom online, so I really think a lot of the agitation and frustration, I see, I think we're just missing that human connection.
Christina Smith:
Yeah, and I really liked what you said about. You know, it's almost like dating, like ask them on a date outside of the group that you're in so that you can really get to know them One on one. Yeah, and friends are like, you know, the same thing with a relationship with a partner. Not every single person we meet is going to fit our bill. It's going to work out for us and I think that that's another part for us to just recognize and be honest with ourselves at. Just because I do ask somebody out to coffee, we might go to coffee and find out we really don't have much in common or we really have different, completely different lifestyles. We just kind of share that one hobby and let that be okay. That's like practice, friendship, dating, right.
Maryam Solhjou:
Yeah, yeah, and they can be all in your wider social circle, right? So you may be looking for somebody that's in your smaller, smaller circle, right? And they just maybe, maybe in an outer ring, right? You don't have to see them all the time, you just see them occasionally.
Christina Smith:
Yeah, yeah, and recognizing that. Yeah, I love that you mentioned that, because there are different levels of friendship. There's friends I might talk to once a year and then there's other friends where I talk to them every month and other friends where I might go out with them every week. But it's really about creating layers of those friendships. I think that that's what really has supported me, because those outer layers aren't any less important. You just have a different kind of relationship, yep. So just thinking about that, just so that we don't all think that just because I invite a woman out to lunch or something, that suddenly we are going to be best friends forever and be calling each other every day, which I think is also a different like.
Christina Smith:
One more point that I just want to make is that we communicate in different ways as well. So just being aware of that, some people are like full on textors. I'm not much of a textor. Yeah, I'm just going to set up real conversations and that's about it. But some other people like they want to have a text every day. Those people would probably not be in my closest friends line, just because that's not a lifestyle that fits for me. So, just knowing that we have power to make new friends. We have power to look at what's going on within ourselves when we are struggling in a relationship I think it's really important as well and then how we make these new friends. It means that you're going to have to do a little bit of effort. It's just like dating your future partner is not going to walk up to your door and ring the doorbell probably. I mean, I guess it could happen, but you probably have better chances if you're out doing the work and trying to actually make it happen rather than just waiting around.
Christina Smith:
Thank you so much for being here Sure and you have a great gift for our audience as well, so you want to tell us about that.
Maryam Solhjou:
Yeah Well, thank you so much, Christina, for having me it was a pleasure having this chat with you. Yeah, so I have a midlife guide. The link is going to be below, I believe.
Maryam Solhjou:
They can click on that to get it. It's a series of questions for you to self reflect on and then I'll give you a little bit of a quick overview of what you're thinking about your past a little bit and then how you want to move into your future. So it's a guide for that. Yeah, yeah, and when they sign up for that, they'll also get my occasional newsletter that comes out a couple of times, a couple of times a month, and as part of my practice, I do offer my first. I do offer a free coaching session. My first session is free to see, you know, for a good match, like a chemistry, it's like a chemistry call. Yeah.
Christina Smith:
Beautiful, beautiful. Thanks for sharing that and thanks for being here. Friendship is such a big topic in your life. I want all women to have as many friendships as fulfill them. We just have to do a take it upon ourselves, take the power upon ourselves to do a little bit of work, whether we're in a relationship or whether we want new ones. Thanks so much.
Maryam Solhjou:
You're welcome, yeah.
Christina Smith:
And thank you, audience, for tuning in and really following this. I'd love to hear people's comments about maybe there's other ways that you found to meet new friends. Me and Miriam are always open to new ways. We'd love to know. So leave a comment for us and we'll talk to you soon. Thanks, shifters.
