Cum With KC
Somatically Yours with Lexi
This week we welcome Somatic Sex Coach Lexi aka @SluttyForSerotonin to the show to discuss how to use kink as a healing tool and finding your own place in the world of open relationships. Were talking Comfort, Communication, and Consent baby!
Find Lexi on Instagram
This week we welcome Somatic Sex Coach Lexi aka @SluttyForSerotonin to the show to discuss how to use kink as a healing tool and finding your own place in the world of open relationships. Were talking Comfort, Communication, and Consent baby!
Find Lexi on Instagram
well, welcome back to another episode of come with Casey. We are your hosts. I'm Dr. Casey Sanders. And I'm Carrie Sanders. And we have a very special guest today. We are joined by, okay, so this is interesting because a lot of our listeners are going to go. They're going to hear this term. They're going to hear what this whole thing is. They're going to go, what the fuck does that even mean? But this is where we luck out because we're able to bring people like our guest on to explain these things and give you guys a more inside look about how you can get in touch with your sexuality, open up about your sexuality and connect on a much deeper level. So today we want to welcome in. Lexi. Lexi, how you doing today?
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:Good. How are you guys?
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:I'm, we are doing great. I'm like up and going, like we didn't yoga this morning. It's been a great day. Yeah. Cleaned up some of the house this morning. Now we can talk to you. Beautiful. So this is great. Yeah. Very excited. So, yeah. Let's hear about yourself. Yes.'cause you Okay. Real, real quick. Real quick. Okay. I have dinner. So we're talking today about somatic sex coaching. Okay. And Lexi now is going to tell us what the fuck that is. And they get a great way. And I'm sorry if that comes off as rude. I, as educated as I am, I'm, I heard the term like a while back. I was like, I don't even know what that is. So I dove into it and now I'm excited for someone to, to really like give us their professional perspective on this thing. So. I'm gonna turn it over to you for a few minutes to tell us about yourself and what somatic sex coaching really is.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:Yeah, absolutely. So, the word somatic, basically, is just like, to do with the body. And so, the whole approach of somatic coaching or therapy in any capacity is facilitating safety in the body. So that you can be open to experiencing things. And so for me, this coincides really nicely with the world of sex coaching, intimacy, coaching, non monogamy kink, all of those things, because there are things that have a tendency to push our edges a little bit. And so when we get into that place where we could get triggered or activated or whatever how do we. Facilitate safety both like in the container in a session with me and then also in your relationships and out in the world Because kink can be a super powerful healing modality Honestly, like especially for people who have experienced some kinds of sexual assault or things like that Like it can be really healing to take that back and also It can be really triggering. And so how do we facilitate that and move through it slowly enough that your body learns that now is not then, and now you can be safe and start to explore the things that interest you in a way that feels really grounded and rooted in our body.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:Yeah, really, it's like reclaiming your sexuality. It's like taking the, you know, we hear it all the time, right? Where people say, oh, if you've been through an experience, if you've had something happen to you, you're more geared towards kink. And you, we, people tend to turn it into this negative thing, like, oh, that person's a freak. They're kinky. That means that they've been through some nasty shit and they're having to, they're like now trying to turn it around. But the reality is that what you just said, kink is a super healthy practice. A way to grow, a way to open up, a way to become in touch with your sexual self. Yeah, you're like true inner self and I mean, I think it kind of defines you, you know, like to discover that inner kink. And it's so personal for each person. And it's so much fun. Yeah. Kink is just a ton of fun. So much
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:And there's also so many things that you can learn in that container that can also like extrapolate out into your real world. Right? So like, we learn to advocate for our needs really well in kink. We learn to set our boundaries. We learn to revoke consent if things don't feel good to us. And so a lot of those things can ask a lot of you in the moment because I tell this to my clients all the time, right? Like it's sex, intimacy, kink, like, Is when we tend to feel the most vulnerable. So how do we practice all the skills we need there in a much safer environment beforehand so that we have that skillset in those situations to really be able to advocate for ourselves. And yeah, just tend to ourselves sweetly.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:Yeah. It's awesome because people in the world of kink tend to be more like better communicators, better at consent, like just a well rounded individual whenever it comes to knowing how to communicate with a partner or with multiple partners. And especially in terms of like what we talk about all the time comfort, we talk about that a lot. We talk a lot about consent. What's our third one, Carrie? What? Our comfort, consent, and... Oh God, why are you doing this to me? And why can I not think of it? My... Comfort, consent, and communication. There it is. Thank you. Jesus. My like, palms got sweaty. I was like, what are you doing to me? You fuck with my critical thinking all the time. I do! And that's why I'm so shocked that my brain would blink. Fucking hope you come up with that. Anyways. But it is. It is, that's like the people that are involved in a lot of kink tend to, we go down those roads so deeply because of how important it is that I personally feel like we tend to have that more well rounded viewpoint about what all of this really means and how to engage with other people. So on such like a deep level.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:I love that you said that. Cause one of my favorite things, and one of the things that I try and explain a lot on my Instagram and kind of just like communicating with people is that like. You don't have to be interested in kink to work with me, but there are so many lessons from the way that we communicate and negotiate consent and understand consent. And there are so many lessons from that we can then take into more vanilla relationships, too. Like, there's no relationship that wouldn't benefit from better communication, understanding of consent, like those things. And so I love to kind of take those learnings and yeah, share them with people who maybe wouldn't have access to them otherwise.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:So then how do you, pardon me. How do you implement that into your practice specifically in terms of this topic, somatic sex coaching?
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:So, for me the pillars of somatic sex coaching, so for me, it's like being trauma informed understanding consent, those pieces, we practice them in the container with me, right? So if something feels too edgy or it doesn't feel good, we don't. Push it. So I know a lot of times therapists and I've had some of these therapists who will be like, no, you have to talk about it and I'm like, I don't, if the thing that I'm, that you're now forcing me to talk about was somebody forcing me to do something. How is this in any way going to make me feel safe? Right? You're just now reiterating the same. Toxic shit that I just that I'm trying to heal from and so instead of that like giving people the opposite right giving people all of the space So the thing that really I mean, I fell in love with somatic coaching when I first started working with my somatic therapist I am neurodivergent. I have Been diagnosed. Yeah, so neurodivergent actually is any be anything that isn't neurotypical so it can be ADHD autism OCD dyslexia, I believe, also falls under it, and there's a few others, and every one of those would qualify as neurodivergent. I specifically have been diagnosed with ADHD, and then more recently have self diagnosed with autism. It's, runs in my family and the more I read about it, the more I'm just like, Oh I thought I was, like, just weird and quirky, turns out I'm fucking autistic. Got it.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:yeah, it's fine. You're just checking off box after box. Oh,
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:Literally, like every time I'm reading this book called Unmasking, which is written by this person who got their PhD in psychology and didn't know anything about it and then found out they were autistic and are now learning a lot about themselves through that. And every single thing I read, I'm just like, not a cute, quirky personality Got it.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:You're still cute and quirky.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:thank you. But when I went to a lot of talk therapy, I would. Like outsmart my therapist. So I'd be like, I'm going to say this. You're going to say that I'm going to say this and then be like, yep. And I didn't actually feel any better. Right. Like nothing about, I was like, okay, we talked through it and I'm still overwhelmed, overstimulated and anxious.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:Yeah.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:And so that's when I found my first somatic coach. And I was like, Oh, cause she was like, well, like talk to me. And I started talking and she was like immediately pause. And I was like. Excuse me. And she was like, you feel how like excited you're getting and how rushed you're getting. What if we like pulled back for a second and dropped into right now? How does that feel different? And I was like, oh, shit. And so I started just like, diving in the deep end of exploring this somatic work, which is really just about like, bringing awareness to our bodies. So we have a better understanding of where we're at. So now, you know, I have a better understanding of like, oh, I'm feeling activated and that could be excitement, nervousness, anger. But I just pay attention to it and then I can better process it and react better or respond better instead of reacting which was another big thing for me. And I immediately like dove in the deep end and then signed up for a somatic therapeutics program and fell even more in love with it because the first session. One of the teachers, she's a brilliant psychiatrist, everyone was like, so what do we do with our clients? What do we do? And she was like, it doesn't matter. And we were like, me? We're here to learn what to do. What do you mean it doesn't
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:Yeah, and you're just telling us whatever.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:She was like, what you do doesn't matter. How you do it does. And I was like, oh shit. And so, for me, that's really like informed the way that I show up to my coaching and my practice is Every person is unique. So what feels good to me, maybe won't feel good to you. Maybe will feel good to someone else. We get to explore the ways that you feel good. The way that we do that is through like slow titration. So we don't throw you in the deep end. We don't force you to look at things like right in the face in a way that feels very abrasive. We like ease our way in there's consents along the way at any given point, if it's too much or the overwhelms too much, we back off. And so it's really about like giving the power back to my clients where they get to be completely in charge of the whole session of making sure that everything feels safe to them. And again, That helps them build that skill set then to do that in other more edgy scenarios because I just find that when your clothes come off immediately, things just feel a little bit more, a little bit more sensitive, intense, whatever. Like now you're just like naked in front of people. And so helping them really build that skill set before they get there I've found for them has been really supporting.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:Well, shit. So how do you go about finding, or how do people go about finding you? I mean, I would imagine there has to be a fit, right? Like you might have to do like pre qualifications before you engage with someone.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:So I always offer if it's wanted a free 15 minute consult just to chat. And I, this is not just for me as a coach. If you are hiring a therapist, I recommend this too. Most will offer a free 15 minute session. You should take them up on it and make sure it's a good fit because there are going to be therapists and coaches and whatever, who are not a good fit. Who I've been to the first time I decided to see a somatic coach instead of. A clinical therapist. My mom was like, well, what are her credentials? Like, you know, like the typical thing that happens. And for me, I was just like, It doesn't matter, right? Like, I've been to therapists since I was six years old, and no one has ever helped me in the way that she does, so like, whether or not she has a degree on her wall is irrelevant to me for me it's all about the energetics, so like, please take me up on that
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:Mhm.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:minute call if that feels good, we can talk about it a little bit, and just make sure that you feel safe, that it feels like the right fit for you I say that knowing that actually, I don't know that anyone's ever taken me up on it. I think everyone has just immediately booked, but I'm also like pretty open. I go live on Tik TOK on Instagram. I talk pretty openly about my life. I answer questions really openly. I share a lot of content. I like talk to people in the DMS and like help and offer support in whatever way that I can without obviously like overextending. Myself because that's also important is like taking care of me and my boundaries and so most of the people who found me have found me through social media like either instagram and they've just like been really drawn to what I do And then have hired me and we've started working together or I Love going on reddit and just like reading I mean, I love the chaos too. Like, I love going into like, Purple Pill group and just being like, what the actual fuck is happening in the world. But I do like going into like, non monogamy, kink, like, relationships, dating, and seeing people ask questions because most of the time the responses they get are Atrociously bad.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:Absolutely. And like some of the BDSM communities, the polyamory communities, relationship advice, you
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:The polyamory reddit is literally like a layer of hellscape in the universe. Like, I'm just like, what is happening here? Like, what is this?
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:You'll have someone that puts this like big red flag story where you're watching. You're going, okay, I see so much going on here. And the comments are just what you, exactly what you said. Atrocious. It's just terrible advice from start to finish, but I can completely, I'm on the same page with you on that one.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:so I try and not be I try and not be the terrible advice and give like honest and actually like actual answer. The amount of times I've gotten a response that's like, wow, thanks for not being a dick. And actually answering my question is like astounding. Like it's, I'm blown away by how many times people have said that to me. But I've also had like a few people who I've responded to their comments or someone else has read my comment on Reddit and then reached out to me and hired me to work with them that way, so really just by kind of existing, which is, I don't know if you know about human design but I am a projector, which like, everyone has told me my whole, like, since I found out about this, that's what I should do, like, just exist in the world, share your wisdom, and like, the right people will find you, and I was like, I don't know what that means.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:Yeah.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:And then I, like, literally started doing it. You might also be a protector. I'll here are the things. They're like things just come to you when you're just, like, existing in the world. Like, sharing your most authentic self. We need a lot of rest. And we can't work, like, on a normal schedule. Like, we just need to, like, do what feels right to us. That might mean that at 10 o'clock at night, we get a burst of energy and work for four hours, but, like, it also might mean that I'm not going to be on my computer at 9 a. m.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:Yeah. No, that's totally fair. So we just always say like, she just she just manifests. I do. I can manifest some shit, but that might be something totally different, you know,
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:I mean, I also identify as a witch and my partner regularly is, like. This is like literally exactly what you said, and I was like,
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:yes, it is weird. That's so weird.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:it's almost like I asked the universe for it.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:Well, so, all right, so people come out and find you. So that's actually a good point right there. How do people find you right now? Usually we do this like end of the show, let's recap and everything, but how can people get ahold of you through Instagram, Tik TOK, what are your handles?
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:Yeah, for sure. So my Instagram and TikTok are slutty for serotonin, but with two Ys because Instagram deleted my first account. As they do,
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:I know we're there. We're right there with you. We know how it goes.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:I'm like, can, could we just like have like an under, you know, an under 18, over 18 and you just don't let them see my content and I can just like exist in the world without you yelling at me, that'd be lovely.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:That was our conversation recently, can we please start using, like, actually use anatomically correct words? Can we use real words instead of having to beat around the bush and say things like corn and segs? I know, it's so annoying.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:And also like. And maybe this is just, like, what I've noticed, but, like, I've noticed that they ban, like, actual useful accounts who are, like, teaching people real things and, like, using correct terms to, like, educate the masses, but, like, then I see people, and I literally have, like, at this moment in time, I have eight current posts that Instagram has been, like, eh, we won't show this to anyone because it's, like, inappropriate, and it's, like, me in a bikini, and I'm, like, I have seen girls, like, Literal assholes on my Instagram account and that was fine, but like, this like weird meme that I posted about depression and anxiety, you were like, no, that's, you've
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:not. How dare you!
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:It's wild.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:It really is. It really is. And we've experienced it since the start of our stuff last year. Yeah. Damn. So, so people get ahold of you. They say, let's say they book a session. What could they expect to kind of go through? I know that this is probably like the most broad question, but I would like to try and find a way to condense it down a little bit into some level of just being able to realize what we'd be getting ourselves into.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:Yeah, for sure. So, it does absolutely depend on the person and their needs, but every session starts with a drop in, so usually It's like eyes closed, some deep breaths, just like noticing our body. Obviously if eyes closed, doesn't feel safe, we can do it with eyes open. Just like noticing, like, am I feeling tense today? Am I feeling anxious and not like judging any of it, but just starting to notice what comes up and then we start the session from there. So like from being that in that dropped in place what's come up for you and. Like I said, it'll depend. I have clients who see me regularly, like biweekly for an hour. And so those sessions, it's more like what naturally organically comes up in that drop in for some of my clients, it's more like a 90 minute deep dive, which is more common with like couples who are looking to open their relationship or things like that. So usually in those situations it's a little bit more straightforward of what we're kind of sitting down to navigate together. And then, It's kind of just like a really natural back and forth between me and them of holding space for things, noticing what comes up for them, and then as needed, kind of in engaging in some somatic practices with them. So, I was working with a client last week and they mentioned, we were working through like body love issues, basically, like, and so something that I find with a lot of women is like when they want to, they're like, I want to love my body, but we're starting from a place of body hate. I'm like, well, what if we instead just like, what if our goal today wasn't body love? Cause that's going to feel disappointing, right? To like try for something, but like, what if we could just go for body neutrality
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:right.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:What if it was like, I exist in this body. It's doing the best we can and like here we are and like that's okay for today Like what might that feel like and so then like we kind of sit with that. Sometimes it's more I had a client who's like I similar type thing right like body love stuff and it's like, okay Well, what does the version of you if you close your eyes the version of you who loves yourself Wakes up in the morning and it's like I am a bad bitch and everything I do today is in service of myself What does that version of you feel like? What is, what did she do to tend to herself? Does she... Do what you're doing now. It's like, definitely not. It's like, okay, great. Well, like, how does it feel different? Right? And it's like, in this situation, it was like, she gives me more space to exist. She gives me an easeful morning that doesn't feel rushed and panic. So I can like, start my day from a more grounded place. Like, okay, that sounds like a great place to start. So maybe for the next few weeks, that's what we work on is not trying to be 100 percent that version of ourselves because Transcribed We're going to burn out and get exhausted, but how can we slowly start to integrate some of those practices and things into our daily life and start to build that self love because it's kind of one of those like chicken egg situations. Like, can you really love yourself without tending to yourself? And can you tend to yourself without loving to yourself? And so how do you co create those things together? So yeah, it depends, but there there's definitely. A lot of talking, a lot of somatic work, breath work and then depending on the person and their needs, it could be more of one or the other.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:Okay. So, how often are you seeing these individuals? Like, is it like a weekly thing, like you try to do, or is it like, hey, I'm not feeling good, I need to come and chat with you?
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:Totally depends. I have some clients who see me like on a biweekly basis. Feels most supportive to them at this moment. Like they're moving through some bigger things. I have some clients who see me probably like every, Two to four weeks, but they just book when they're called to or when something's come up for them. They also like, it depends usually like if it's an individual person versus like a couple, how does that look like? Like I said, sometimes it's also just like a longer, like 90 session one off for like, yeah, we're looking to open our relationship and we're looking for support, right? Like, a lot of people are like, oh. I saw this last night on Reddit. People were like, Oh, well, like, you're not gonna know until you do it. And I was like, that's terrible
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:Right.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:Please don't jump in the deep end and, like, wing it as you go, like, that's not gonna feel safe for literally anybody involved. And so, yeah, like,
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:for disaster. So, do you see a lot of couples that are looking to, like... Open up and become more into the lifestyle.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:A few couples, a few individuals who've, like, wanted that but don't know how to bring it up with their partner, and so, like, I support them through, like, figuring out how to have those conversations and then, yeah, some couples who are looking to do that some individuals who are kind of, like, looking to explore, like, new forays into kink that they, like, don't feel comfortable with. And again, sometimes it's couples who want to explore together. Sometimes it's individuals who want to explore something and their partner is not open to it. And so how do we, like, navigate all of those things and have those difficult conversations? Yeah, it really spans the gamut, which. Helps me because I love that things are always different and it's kind of just like being present with whatever shows up that day.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:Right. Oh my gosh. All right. So how long have you been doing this? Because this seems like we have, like, we were familiar with a lot of different therapeutic modalities. We see a lot of stuff, but. As far as like, like somatic sex coaching, it's something that is, both of us are becoming more familiar with, but are newer to. So is this something that you've been doing for a while now?
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:So I, I think I was always drawn to somatic work before I actually knew what it was. So, like. My first four, I was like, I was whatever, I was 19. I had a panic attack. It was hospitalized. And I was like, I need to do something. I don't know what, but like, I can't live like this. And that was my first yoga class. Like, that's how I went. And it was like in a tiny room in New York city, it was sweaty as all fuck. And like, it should have been disgusting. And I left and was like, I have never felt this like, Just like a deep feeling of like a deep breath. Like my body was relaxed. Like I was dropped in. It felt so good. And I just like slowly started to explore more somatic work. And again, before like really knowing what it was, I like explored yoga, breath work ecstatic dance, just like movements and different practices. And then I found somatic work myself about five years ago. And then I started my training about four years ago and I've been doing somatic work for like, Eating like eating disorder, kind of healing after the fact learning to love yourself since then and like slowly kind of started to evolve into this space. I had always really felt drawn to it as a healing modality for sex, but I was in a very long term relationship eight years that was not super healthy and he had a lot of kinks that he was like really embarrassed about. And because of that, I wasn't really allowed to talk about, like, my experience because it was related to him. And so when I ended that relationship a few years ago was when I really started to talk more publicly about it and dive more deeper into the space. So that was about two years ago. And I started doing that, like, on my personal account and, like, my family was horrified and it was, like, a whole thing. Like 18 months ago, I was just like, F it. And I was like, I'm just going to start my own like account that nobody, if you want to be a part of, like, obviously like come follow me, but like, then my family can just like, leave me alone.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:Yeah.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:And that's when I really started to dive into it. And I started to take on clients, but I was still working full time. So it was like taking on clients in my you know, weekends and nights and kind of like squeezing it into my schedule. And then a few months ago I, when I was let go from my job, I was like, you know what, like people have been coming to me for this, like it's been going really well. I love the work. The people I work with have loved their experience with me. I'm really just gonna like.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:Dive
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:Go all in on myself. And so that's when I started really like creating more content and sharing more and it had been coming up Honestly for me in a lot of ways a partner my partner and I were Seeing a woman together for a few months and she was younger and like things she would share about like a dom she met or whatever that was just like I was like, that's Fucking terrible like no And so it was it also became like a personal thing for me of like I actually don't only want to do this in the Coaching space to help individuals But I also want to really help create good content that can actually help people who want to explore this world and don't know where to start because there are a lot of shitty Doms that don't know what the fuck they're doing and like how do you vet them and like how do you know the right questions? To ask and how do you know if their answers are legit or not? And so It just kind of blew up and became became what it is now.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:I mean, but that's what we need though. We need individuals like yourselves that are really trying to push out the right message because even as we like came into the lifestyle, there were things that we did wrong there. There were aspects of like, we just didn't know. I mean our first experience, Jesus, we learned a lot, but had we had the proper information or even. Knowing where to go to get that information. I definitely believe we would have went about an entirely different way. And so there does need to be this like own vocabulary for this world that the normal, I say the normal, but whatever the vanilla is, the normal, however you want to call it, the interested, they almost need this like playbook and we need people, like I said, that you that are helping send out the right message.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:It's so, it like really blows my mind how much, like, I think the internet is like an incredible thing. It gives us access to so much. And also I don't really. Like as a society, we've prioritized teaching like the critical thinking required to participate in such a like free education system. Because does require that, like, it does require critical thinking. Like so many times people are like, Oh, well, like this study said this. And I was like, Did you look at that study?
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:yeah.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:Cause if it was. Seven people polled by like Joe Schmo. It's not a real validated study. And that's not the same thing as like a study that had thousands of participants and like, can show you the scientific, like backing of the way that they, you know, proceeded to analyze their hypothesis and discern the information that they got from it.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:Yeah.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:And so, yeah,
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:see, like, people showing us stuff that's not even peer reviewed and they're looking at it and they're pushing it on as this is the truth or these are the facts. And it just kind of makes you go, whew.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:it's hard, right? Cause like in some world and like, this has come up a lot in my research of like autism, like. There's not been a ton of research, especially on autism and women. It's, or I say that, but I read somewhere the other day and I was like, Oh shit, you're so right that it's better to say like autism in my, like in minority identifying groups, because that's actually what the truth is. Like they only studied. White boys. And then they were like, this is what it looks like. And it's like, not for everybody.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:Yeah.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:and so like, yeah, sometimes you do have to kind of start to look at studies that are done a little bit more on the fringe because the mainstream medical industrial complex, isn't studying in a way that you need to. And also how do you balance that with making sure that it's credible and it's actually like telling you something. And so that's where I think the critical thinking kind of. Falls into and why I'm so passionate about just sharing a lot of this content and getting it out there. And like, I'm the first person to always say like that it like check into it, like make sure that the people that you're trusting actually know what they're talking about. Because a lot of people talk with their whole chest and they have no reason to be doing that.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:Absolutely. 100 percent agree with that one. We've seen it happen over and over again, which it's, that's what we tell people all the time. That's our purpose. We're having a podcast like this is so we can get the people that know what they're talking about and help them get a message out there. Cause again, this is like personal experience, right? Whenever we first began to open up our relationship a little bit. And we made all these wrong decisions because we didn't have, at the time, we didn't really have anybody to guide us through. We didn't really have a community to be a part of. And we didn't know how to find it. You know, it existed, but we had no fucking clue how to find it. You don't go to Facebook group friends and like... And let's explain Polly like you can't Google it, you know, and so yeah, I mean to exactly to fall in line with what you're saying Like it's good to like I said kind of had this like playbook have people that can help out like when's your book coming out? Come on, girl. Help us out We need this
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:The only book I started writing is not, it's not that. It's smutty fiction.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:Yeah, we look forward to reading that
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:Thank you. It's, I was like a voracious reader as a kid, I'm pretty sure this is also to do with my neurodivergence, like loved reading, and then school just like ruined it for me, like I just had to read so many books I didn't want to, so then I stopped reading entirely, and then I got like weirdly obsessed with like self help books in my early 20s, and then like also got burnt out on that, and then I just stopped reading, and then I found Fantasy Smut and I was like, that's the ticket! I'm so, oh, we just needed like a few dragons like fawning over this woman and now we're ready to go?
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:Yeah.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:knew? And now I read like 40 books a year.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:That's awesome.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:But yeah, it's true. It is true. Like there's a lot of... There's a lot of missing, not only is there a lot of misinformation, but I think something that I mentioned this about somatic work that feels really important is not all of the information is going to help everybody, right? The way I communicate with people might not help everyone, but I also find that a lot of people in the space talking about this are talking about it from a more like neurotypical lens. And so I try and talk about it. From a different lens, because I think that something that happens a lot with me and my fellow autistic friends is like, we take things very literally. In fact, so literally, I found out that like, I've always thought like, oh, I've never gone nonverbal because I thought nonverbal meant you don't speak. That's not what it meant. Of course, now in hindsight, Neurotypical people wrote it. They didn't mean. 100 percent nonverbal, they meant less verbal. But that manifests like in a lot of ways, especially in polyamory where there's like 12 million terms for everything and people want to have like nice little like identifiers. And like something that's come up for me lately is like around the term, like hierarchical, because like, I see a lot of people saying they're not hierarchical and I'm like. I don't believe you. I believe you think that you'd like to not be. And also, like, if one relationship has so many more practical things involved in it, you telling me that's not going to be prioritized, quite frankly, like, is bullshit.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:And I'd rather you just admit that. Right. But for me, that's because I take that word very literally and not everybody does like for a lot of people, it's like, Oh, well, it just means that like everybody gets to say, and I'm like, that's not what the word Means.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:But if people, I mean, if people could go through and just actually Like, it's, to me it is, if they are, if they're hearing something like that, they're just, they're simply saying it because they don't want to be that. They feel like if they're put into that box, it's not maybe a good thing. And so they just call themselves, I, that's not me. We don't do that. But if they were to actually hear it, realize it and own it and become part of it, realize that no, that is what I am doing. They could probably anchor themselves a little bit more deeply and grow from it. And just by fucking accepting who they actually are instead of trying to force themselves and just deny what they really are.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:That's like the biggest like tenant, I think, especially in my work around this is like, Just be honest. Because I promise you, there will always be you could say anything, and somebody in the polyamory subreddit is gonna yell at you that you're doing something wrong. So let's just, like, remove the, like, gallery of witnesses for a second, and just say, what if you could just communicate? Super articulately, what it is you're specifically desiring, I guarantee you there's probably several people, at least, who you can find who are into that, and wouldn't you rather just be honest? My partner and I matched with a woman, and she was like, oh, like, haha, like, hierarchical polyamory at its finest, like, blah, blah, blah, and I was like, Never said that wasn't what was happening here. I did, like, I didn't, right? Because, like, I just, like, we know that, like, we know, and especially, I think, like, for us and our neurodivergence, like, having a very, like, grounded home and, like, structured space and, like, structured time feels really good to us. That doesn't feel good to everybody. That's totally fine. But for us, it does. It was because we have Mondays are, like, our Date night and we just like honor that very much and they were like, well, Monday's like the night that works for me and I'm like, okay, but like. That's our agreement. Like, we already have a date. I don't know what to tell you. Like, sorry. And like, that's fine. We don't have to be a match for each other. It doesn't have to be like a bad thing. Like, we don't need to be like, oh, like, we didn't match. Like, blah. Like, no. Best of luck, babe. Like, go forth. Live your dream life. I wish nothing but the best for you. We've found a ton of wonderful people who vibe with exactly what we're looking for. And we've had wonderful experiences. And I would rather give everybody all of the information and let you self select out if it does not apply to you. Then the opposite. Like, sometimes I get wild messages from men, especially, that are just like, this is what I want. And I'm like, I didn't ask, actually, what you wanted. You came into my DMs, where I have a very clear list of what I am and am not available for, and asked for something I'm not available for, and then got mad at me. Like, I communicated clearly. And so I think that for me at least, like, something that I'm very vocal about is like just communicate honestly and I get it sharing honestly feels vulnerable as fuck and scary and overwhelming and also it's so much easier when everybody involved knows what's going on and feels clear and like aligned in that and then you get to like have so much more fun in the play because nobody's in their head wondering what's happening. Because you've all communicated about what you're available for, and what feels good to everyone, and you get to explore that then with just, like, less pressure.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:Yeah, that was definitely something that we learned when we went to our first sex party and it talked a lot about, like, creating a scene, having that consent, having everyone all on the same page. And that was something that I look forward to us It's kind of like incorporating into our own lives when we find ourselves being active again is to kind of create that. And again, that's what we talk about. Like we would not have gone in there and known that had we not gone to the sex party, sat down and really dove into creating this scene and creating this consent and revoking consent or negotiating. You know, I had never even thought about negotiating. I'm like. You can do that with sex, like, and so it was just so, it was so rewarding. And then what it has done now, it is, it's created a better open communication between us, you know, and then when we were to, you know, bring someone else in, I feel like the scenario that we're going to create is just going to be a much more fun one, like you said, because then we're not in our head and. It's great. It's been interesting because we've had those negative interactions. We've had the people drop into the DMs to be like, because we've made it very clear what we're looking for. And we have people drop it and that's like, Hey, listen, you know, they'll message care or something and be like, listen, we want to come and hang out with you, but we don't want your husband to have any involvement. And we want this. And they're starting to like put all these things on and it's immediately going back up. Like, hi,
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:Also, this is my response, because, like, I used to be, I used to be I used to be a lot nicer in my response, because as a woman, like, it can be scary. Now I feel very protected by this man, and it's made me very loud in a way that, like, I'm like, oh shit, what happens when you're not with me and I'm still this loud? Like, yikes.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:that girl that said shit to me and you're like,
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:But like, truly, and so now I just say it to them because honestly, I'm like, maybe it'll get through to one of them. What makes you think that I would want to sleep with you after you read what I wanted and blatantly disregarded that?
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:yeah,
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:If you can't take basic instructions here, what makes you think in any world that I would trust you to hold space, like, kinkier and more intimate than this?
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:exactly. A hundred percent.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:It makes no sense
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:Yeah,
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:to me.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:that's what we get. Whenever we grow, it is, we get more clear communication. We are able to set boundaries a little bit better and then just say, fuck you to the people that don't match with us or that
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:And like,
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:at
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:yeah. Like, we don't need to be the right fit for everyone, but that like communication, I just and, again, like, in hindsight I'm like, is that just, like, me being autistic and not, like, understanding what people are saying, and so I'm like very explicitly clear, but I have never found anyone, like, offended by me being explicitly clear and so I'm like, I feel like it should be more involved, and not just for like Kinky scenes, right? Like, for vanilla scenes too, like, if you guys are gonna have sex, like, having a negotiation beforehand or, like, a chat beforehand of what it's gonna be can actually be really fun and, like,
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:It's all foreplay. Yes,
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:it's all, yeah, it's just, like, a part of the foreplay. I feel like so many people are like, oh, like, spontaneous sex is, like, the best sex. And I'm like, I hear you. And also, respectfully, have you ever planned a scene and then had to wait three days for it and just teased each other? Cause like, that's eroticism on a whole other level, guys!
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:it is. For sure. People don't want to put in the work and tap into all that side.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:Because I think, again, it's scary. Asking people to vulnerably share, like, their desires, especially around sex, like, is And I honestly Arguably, I think it's more difficult for people in vanilla relationships to articulate what they're desiring sexually, because it's not a part of the regular conversation. Like I have, I've met friends who's like are married, they've been married for years and like their husband like won't talk about sex with them and I'm like, excuse me,
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:What?
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:don't you want like, and I think again, it can be like a fun foreplay thing right where you're like sharing what turns you on what turns your partner on like what everybody likes. And overall I just think it's, it does it gives this is actually so in my non. Coaching life. I've been a marketing strategist for my whole career, basically and I facilitated a lot of brainstorms doing that. And something that I always have done. Not always I did 1 brainstorm without it originally. And that's when I realized we needed this, is giving people the sandbox So if I just tell you like design me a logo You're gonna be like I don't know what the fuck to do Like the world is my oyster But if i'm saying like design me a logo, I need it to be black and white. I need xyz incorporated now You have the sandbox to play in. It's so much easier to be creative because you're not worried about all these extraneous things, right? And I feel like the same thing is true for negotiating a scene or planning a scene. You build the sandbox together, so then you get to be so much more free in the expression of that. Because you're feeling the safety of the container you've already built. You're feeling the safety of the safe word, the trust you've built, the negotiation, the understanding of what is and isn't available. I realized how important that was, like, years ago when I met, like, my first, like, like, actual Dom who, like, knew what he was talking about. And we sat down for a negotiation beforehand, and he was like, he asked me, he was like, do you like getting slapped? And I was like and he was like, that's a no. I was like, well, no, I was like, wait a second. It's a yes. I just thought about, I just had to think about it. And he was like, but you had to think about it for me. He was like, that doesn't mean you don't have any interest in it. It just means it's not available for the first time we play. We can renegotiate it later, but if you had to pause and think about it, it's not a fuck yes. And we're not doing anything that's not a fuck yes. And it's like, oh, you're right. That makes me feel so much safer knowing that we're only doing things that I'm saying are a fuck yes. And so yeah, I do think it's like something that we, that more people should incorporate into their sex lives is like, talking about it.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:I agree. Absolutely. I love that. So then to start to wrap this up a little bit, who can benefit from something like somatic sex coaching? Like we, we see this a lot. All the time where people are just looking for that next thing to help them out. And it sounds like this is something that could really get somebody in touch with their sexuality. So what type of like success things have you seen? What are the people that you're looking for and who do you feel like could benefit from this?
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:Yeah. So, everybody.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:Everybody.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:for me, I think like the most Common experiences I've had are yeah, like couples looking to either open up their relationship or looking to explore, like, a new kink or negotiating something that feels a little edgy, I also work with victims of sexual assaults who are looking to, like, reclaim their sexuality. It's been a huge part of, like, my journey to reclaim my sexuality. And so that often comes up. And then obviously the place where those things overlap, which is where, like, if there's sexual trauma. And you're looking to explore kink, like, can having a third party present to facilitate the negotiations and hold space and make sure that as any activations coming up, we like ground down and get really present and like, make sure that you don't leave your body in that and make sure that what we're building actually feels safe. Because like I said, like, if it's just you guys, there might be like, oh, well, like. You know, would you stop the, eh, sure. Maybe not, right? Like, if you're in a longer term relationship and they were just like, eh, yeah, that's fine. You'd probably say like, okay, let's run with it. Whereas like, if I witnessed that interaction, I might say like, hey, I actually think that maybe it's best that doesn't happen in the scene for the first time. It's something maybe we work up to, but we want the first time to feel like super safe and like grounding and like a good experience. And so the overlap of those two things often comes up too. And then I would say like the next biggest bucket is like the intersection of like body love and. Sex, because there's obviously a big overlap between those things. And a lot of times I've had clients who've come to me for, like, trying to fall in love with their bodies in a way that helps them open up and enjoy sex too. And so kind of this intersection of, like, feeling safe in your body and exploring sex, if any of the things that are coming up for you are landing in that sphere, that's like, really where my. Sweet spot is and also like, I now have a network of like other really wonderful coaches too. So like, there are things that like might feel better to have a different coach around. Like obviously I'm wildly bisexual, which is a whole other can of worms that I didn't know that until I was like 20 something years old. I thought every other girl watched Stick It and was like, she looks real good lowering herself into that tub. They don't. I thought straight girls made out with their girlfriends. They don't.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:Literally the same, I know. I was like, what? Everyone doesn't make out with their friends? What do
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:I'm like, wait,
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:We had been together for years by the time that we are having a, that, that conversation of where we were talking about it and Carrie was like, yeah, all girls make out with their friends. And I was kinda like, no, but they don't. I was like, that's not an everybody thing.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:The face I made when I found that out was like, stupid too, cause it was like, and then I felt dumb. Like, immediately I was like, oh, obviously. Like, what?
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:missing out then.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:God. Okay, you don't know what you're missing out on. So like, I do feel qualified in that capacity to like, hold space around like, I don't know. Exploring, like, gender, or like, sexuality and gender identity, but like, if you are a trans person, like, you might just feel more safe with another trans person, right? Like, they might understand things in a way that, like, I just won't. But I still always recommend, like, reach out to me if I'm not the right fit for you, like, I can probably help you find someone who might be.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:Love it. Cool. Awesome. So then like we, we have, what else do we have? I think we're good on that. That was fucking great. We're great information. Thank you for that. So as a reminder that people can find you at a slutty for Saratonin with two Ys. And then is this like open dms or how would they get in touch with you?
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:Yeah, you can DM me there. Also, there's a link in my bio that has a link to my website, which is sluttyforserotonin. com with only one Y because I made it when I had the other Instagram account.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:Yeah, perfect
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-Lexi-webcam-00h_00m_00s_169ms-StreamYard:and I'm not buying a new domain. And so, on my website, there's more information about the work I do. And then also you can apply to work with me there or just DM me. I'm around.
SOMATIC_SEX_COACH-CWKC-webcam-00h_00m_00s_207ms-StreamYard:All right. Awesome. Well, it's so great having you on today. I would like to have you on again, honestly I kind of want to dive into a little bit more as far as like doing this exclusively with people that have past trauma. So that'd be something that you would be down for. I think that would be awesome. But other than that, this has been a really great show and I've loved having you on. Anything you want to add? No, you're closing. You get to close it. I'm closing it. Close it out this time. I never close it. Well, on another episode of Come With Kasey, I am your co host, Kari Sanders. And I'm Dr. Kasey.