Your Fantasy, My Fantasy, and OUR Fantasy

Let's talk Fantasy play! How can you explore yours, your partners, and how can you decide what to try?! This week's episode is all about fantasy play and how to have a conversation around it.

Mentions
Carla Renee Intimates
Nightshade Bueliesque

Transcript

casey: 0:00

welcome to come with Casey. I am your cohost, Dr. Casey Sanders.

kari: 0:04

And I'm the other cohost, Harry Sanders.

casey: 0:08

So we've done a lot over the past little bit. We've been enjoying this season so far. We've been able to bring you a couple of interviews, uh, as well as some of our own content that if I can, let's face it, we enjoy sitting in a room together, talking to each

kari: 0:21

other. I mean, we do it really fucking well. And again, I love the fact that this season was geared more to around education, and I do feel like that's what we're bringing you. But before we go into today's episode, we just had a really good time with Carla.

casey: 0:36

Yes. If you, I mean, clear, if you haven't heard the name before, or you're newer to listening, our favorite. Boudoir photographer, uh, by the name of Carla, you can follow her at Carla Renee intimates. Uh, she's a Boudoir photographer here in the DFW area and her work is. Some of the best that we've seen

kari: 0:56

well, because it's also so unique to it's cool You know like I don't go to her page and I feel like as all of us understand with like Instagram is you want your pays to Be like uniformed and this is how it's supposed to look and I go to her page because I don't know what to expect.

casey: 1:10

She gets to express her

kari: 1:11

creativity there. Yeah, I don't know what to expect when I go to her page. I don't know what to expect when I see one of her newer posts. It does not look like the same boudoir photographer every single time I see them post

casey: 1:23

something. You can predict something and go, all right, I'm going to do a boudoir page. And I know that I'm going to see a girl who is on a couch and her knees are on the couch and her feet are on the floor and her ass is in the air and it's edited mostly the same way. And they, they've do all of these like. Or poses, but it's as if they're all like using some book that they found

kari: 1:42

online. There's a book and this is, this is the pose of Tuesday's pose, what you

casey: 1:46

got to do to systematically figure out how they're going to, they're going to pose their models. But whenever we, we work with Carla, we see Carla's work. Yeah. It's

kari: 1:54

so unique. It's different. It's like one day I'm going to see someone in a rain shower that her like husband created or it's going to be like a fucking cowboy in the bed. Or it's going to be like this beautiful princess looking pink wall creation or fucking outdoors. Like it's fascinating to see how many different things that she can do. One, not only within her studio, but also she found this amazing spot to do outdoor shoots. And I think that that actually. To me personally, like says more about your ability. If you can create an outdoor shoot that is just as magnificent as an indoor controlled environment

casey: 2:38

shoots. Yeah, for sure. Cause you take the indoor environment of a studio or something and it's, it's, there's very little variables. Yeah. You can do the same settings. You can, you can put them the same way, you know, click and shoot almost, but the outdoor environment creates a lot more variables. Yes. Thank you. Yeah, we've loved working with Carla. She's, she's been amazing. She's friendly. She's outgoing. She helps us get into position. And this is coming from like, I am not, you are awkward as food. I tend to be awkward in front of the camera and she, she did a great job on this last shoot

kari: 3:12

that we did, but that's the thing. Yes, she did. She picked up on what you needed. And it wasn't what you needed. She picked up on where you look the most comfortable. She immediately recognized that when you're trying to pose in front of the camera, that was not the most candid look for you.

casey: 3:30

Right. It looks forced. If someone tells me to do something, I don't mean any offenses like this, but if someone tells me to do something that looks fake. I become uncomfortable. I need to feel like it's natural. I need to feel like I'm doing this because this is what I want to do, not because I'm being told what to do.

kari: 3:48

I know. And it's so funny because at first we tried to like loosen you up a bit because her and I could both tell you're a little uncomfortable. And so I was like I'm gonna shake my ass and I was like playing and like doing all these like fun cute things with you. But honestly, at

4:00

that

casey: 4:01

level, you did that and she was like, that's

kari: 4:02

it. Yeah, but, but it was her though. It was her recognizing what you needed to feel comfortable. It wasn't me shaking my ass. It was you being candid and not. Forced and nice that, and the shoot immediately changed when she figured out what your needs were as a model. And that is something that I will say is very rare as someone that has modeled for multiple photographers at this point in my life, like to, for you to find someone that immediately pinpointed your needs as a model, I didn't even fucking know your needs as a model. Well, and I'm your wife. You know, like it, that was a, well, we're always candid, so it's different, you know? So yes, uh,

casey: 4:45

again, we had a good time with her. How about

kari: 4:48

that? We had a good time too. We have a great

casey: 4:50

time. We were able to do some rope play. You got a great, some great shots. She did some headshots for us, which we are super fucking excited to get ahold of. I cannot wait to share that with the world. But if you haven't had the chance to Carla Renee intimates, you can book with her. Uh, you can check out her stuff online. I promise you, she's worth your time and she's not like super high priced or anything. You're going to be able to find out a way to

kari: 5:13

work with her. You need to get with her before she realizes her value. Cause God damn it. She's good.

casey: 5:23

Before she starts charging,

kari: 5:24

like I can't afford her anymore. You know,

casey: 5:27

like, damn girl, she's wonderful. So go check her out. So other things that we have going on, God, it is that time of month. And I don't mean you period.

kari: 5:38

This is the only shut the fuck up case. I swear to God, this is the only event in my life that has made me excited about the beginning of the month, right? Beginning of the month is what like. Your bills are due like, all this stuff is stressful, but I'm like. My mind has shifted. I'm like, fuck that. It's the beginning of the month. We get

casey: 5:59

a little burlesque this gothic burlesque week coming up with are the fabulous, the amazing nightshade burlesque. Yeah. Like if you

kari: 6:08

share them

casey: 6:09

multiple times, if you listen to our interview with them, then you already know that they got the good shit coming on and they have a very fun because this is coming into October, they're going to have a great, great

kari: 6:20

October got the most elevated show. I cannot fucking wait for this show. And

casey: 6:26

as always, as we are on Month to Month, we have our table right

kari: 6:29

up front. Oh, we will always be VIP to this show every single time. Like, if someone takes our table, I will go and piss on that table because that is our table.

casey: 6:39

Mark that fucking territory real

kari: 6:40

quick. Who wants water to play, bitches? Because that is my table. And if you like it, then you have to pay me to piss on the table. But anyways, until we're so fucking

casey: 6:49

excited until we find ourselves on stage performing, we get to be this interactive audience. But with one of the good things about going to these burlesque shows is how inclusive they are. Uh, they do burlesque in more of a traditional way. We have this modernized way where people focus on. In my opinion, like the, the, they put it in the beauty box. Like everyone needs to be slim and everyone needs to have these really, really. What's the word I'm looking for?

kari: 7:20

Basic ass bodies. No, it's just, I get what you're saying. It, it, it's not the norm and that's what we love. We've seen male performers. We've seen king performers. We've seen queen performers. We've seen some gothic ass shit that I need to go and sage myself after. That fucking, that

casey: 7:36

last show. That performance. Where the, like, there was like the demon on stage at the very end, crawling around. I was like, this, this is what I came for. I was so mesmerized. Last month whenever we watched this, that I cannot wait to see what they

kari: 7:48

do for this one. So did I ever tell you the story that I embarrassed the fuck out of myself in the bathroom with that

casey: 7:54

performer? No, but I wanna hear it now. Go, go,

kari: 7:58

go I walked into the bathroom and I saw them and like as, uh, an audience member, you fucking know who's going to perform. There's that one bitch that's outside that's extra as fuck. I saw them earlier and I, I made eye contact with them and I was like, that is a performer. So then like later, fast forward to a little bit later that night, I go into the bathroom and I see them in the bathroom and they're like doing their harnesses stuff and they're tight and everything. And I don't know what it was, but I was so fucking turned on. And then I was like, now I'm awkward. Now I'm like, and I, and for people that know me, like, I don't really get awkward Carrie, but this was like high level, awkward, didn't know what to say. And I literally looked at them and I was like, Those straps, huh? They can be a doozy. I was like, I have so many harnesses and I was like, and I think it takes me longer to figure them out than I get to actually wear them. And they were like, yeah, yeah. Like, okay. No. And I was like, so I'm just going to stop talking now. And I literally like. Rolled myself into the stall and like close the stall,

casey: 9:13

close, like you'd imagine you like keeping eye contact, closing the stall eyes, like slipping out the

kari: 9:20

side and I like literally peed longer and I'm like, please don't be in here when I

casey: 9:25

leave. I'm going to stay and I'm going to sit in this stall until I hear the door open and close. I want footsteps walking

kari: 9:31

away. Like I was so like intimidatingly turned on. By them in the bathroom and how aggressive and, like, stern and, like, and for someone to intimidate me is f cking rare. Then when someone intimidates me, I make my look, I make myself look like a f cking a hole. I was like, I literally

casey: 9:53

You were living in a

kari: 9:54

fantasy world. Those straps are a doozy. Who the fuck says that? It was so embarrassing. Anyways.

casey: 10:01

I love the fact that I have not heard this story yet. You waited this long to let me in on that one. I love it. You have to live in that fantasy world for a second. Let's get on with the show. We have done an episode on this in the past. And let's do her again. Well, it's more along the lines of that episode left our viewers with a ton of questions and a ton of curiosity. Like, Hey, can we get like a little bit, we want more, more. So we decided, fuck that. Let's go, let's have a good time. So today we're talking all about.

kari: 10:34

Fantasies. Yes. And this is something that we talk about so well. I feel like with any time that we talk about it, even with ourselves, with our friends, with the podcast, like this is something that we really can give good tips to. And I love that we're talking about it today.

casey: 10:47

Yeah. I mean, we've done a lot of fantasy stuff. We have. What has been your

kari: 10:51

favorite? For like fantasies for us. I still say, even though this was like the first one that we ever tried and it was absolutely ruined. It's my favorite because it was ruined. And you already know the fucking story is when we went to the bar with my

casey: 11:04

friend. What do you mean? You already know the story. Who are you talking to me or the audience?

kari: 11:08

You, I'm talking to you. I am talking to you. So Casey and I went to a bar with a friend and the friend did know that we were like going into the night to like role play. And I, we will be very honest. She just like fucked it up royally. She ruined it for us. She did. But it was so much fun. Like, I remember the excitement of like, when am I going to see him at the bar? Oh my God. There he is. Okay. Don't overthink it. Don't be ridiculous.

casey: 11:32

So I, I, I thought this out. This was, I mean, fuck, this was 15 years ago, right?

kari: 11:38

This was 15

casey: 11:39

years ago, but yes, this was such a long time ago. And I remember this was the first time we had ever done anything like this. This was the, one of the earlier times that I had done ever anything like this. This was one of my first times too. And so we were like, all right, we're going to role play. We're strangers. We're going to go to a bar downtown and going to attempt to pick carry up. Yeah. So we go out there. I arrived probably about 15 minutes before they do. And I don't know when they're going to show up. And so I go ahead and

kari: 12:06

wait, hold on. We're already at that. You were at the bar.

casey: 12:08

Yeah, I was at the

kari: 12:09

bar whenever y'all showed up. No shit. I literally thought you came in after because I remember looking for

casey: 12:14

you. No, I was there. I was there for a minute. I was, I was getting into my, I was getting into my, my, my headspace. Yeah. Getting into my zone. You nervous? Yeah. Fuck. Yeah, I was

kari: 12:23

nervous. We haven't actually been dating for that long at that

casey: 12:28

point. That's what I'm saying. This was like 15 years ago. That's fair. So I went up to the bar and I ordered two drinks, Uhhuh, and think to myself like, what would the character that I'm playing mm-hmm. say to pick up someone. Yeah. And so I ordered two drinks. I finally found y'all at the bar. Mm-hmm. And I'm trying to remember what the fuck I said, but it was something along the line. It was so cute. It was like, you know, I went ahead and ordered two drinks knowing that I was gonna meet someone tonight. Yeah. It

kari: 12:53

was like in the hope to find someone as deserving

casey: 12:56

or whatever. And the second I saw you, I knew you deserved this, so I wanted to give you this drink. Yeah. That's what it was. And there's a fucking friend in the middle! And it's like, There's, there's a friend and it's just like laughing

kari: 13:10

about the whole fucking thing. That is the most ruined moment in

casey: 13:14

the world. Moral of the story, don't take a friend to your roleplay. And if

kari: 13:18

you are, That bitch better be better at roleplaying than you. Yeah, they better be into it, on some level. They have to be, or we'd take them home too. That would be

casey: 13:28

fun.

kari: 13:28

Let's do, let's put them on a list. Like two girls going out, and then you come and pick us both up? Yeah. Holy

casey: 13:34

shit. Go for one.

kari: 13:35

Completely. I am now taking applications for any girl that would like to go on a date with me solely and have Casey pick us up.

casey: 13:43

I got some recommendations. I bet. But that, that was probably our first experience with, with Light of Fantasy. And I love that the first thing you bring up is role play. Talk about that for a second. One of the biggest questions that we get from people that are exploring fantasy and specifically roleplay is, or their question is, I have trouble, like, getting into it. What am I supposed to do to, uh, ensure that, like, we can keep everything going? And our biggest piece of advice that we've loved to give to people is that it's really about creating a character. I like to speak to a lot of the gamers out there because I'm a gamer myself. This is my favorite spiel that you do. This is, yeah, right? This is one of my favorite spiels to do. I love it. As I'm a gamer I have been my entire life. I love doing like role playing games, D& D and that kind of stuff. Mm hmm. And one of the biggest pieces of advice I can give you is that whenever you sit down to play those games, what is the thing that you do? You pull up your character creation screen, you give them a personality, you give them a hair type and color, and you just, you design them all to become this being that you embody while you play this game. This is no fucking different. You need to sit down with a little character creation screen, or if she... Build your character, build them from the ground up. What do they look like? What, like, what is everything about them? Not only physically, but emotionally. What are their characteristics? Are they the witty ability to just go out and have a good conversation? Are they outgoing? Or are they like that dark and brooding person that is... I it bonds to people

kari: 15:19

and what I honestly recommend though through that character development is try to be the person That you've never been and always wanted to be yeah And or be who you are But just and maybe a little bit more like evalated or evalated evalated evalated Elevated way, I swear to God, because that's what I try to do when I go into this like role playing concept and I'm building this character for myself when I'm gaming and I'm building this character for myself. Do I want this character to represent who I am with like a little bit of extra

casey: 15:52

flair, which a lot of people do, they'll be like, I'm going to make pretty much me, but I'm going to have some added added characteristics that I kind of maybe wish I had now, but I don't.

kari: 16:01

Or am I going to go so extreme to the other side of it that I'm creating this like barbarian character? I

casey: 16:10

knew you would say barbarian. I literally had this conversation with one of our kids the other day because they wanted to have like a family D& D and I was like, well, your mom would be. Sure.

kari: 16:20

I would be the barbarian. That's so funny that you know that. See, if I was creating my like character that's just a little bit more elevated than who I am, it'd be the sorcerer, right? Like I'd be the sorceress and I just go into that role. But if I'm going to put a role into it or a character into it that is so vastly opposite of what I could ever be, then yeah, it's going to be the barbarian. But the point of this analogy is to get you to understand that it doesn't have to just be one. No. You could have multiple characters. This is your, what do they call it, D. I. D. D dis dissociated disorder, whatever the

casey: 16:52

fuck that is. You're thinking of dissociative identity disorder. I was. That's a mental

kari: 16:57

illness. It is. But, you could turn this like, Everyone, everyone dissociates. Turn this No, what I'm saying is like, think of it like that. Like, you, we have all heard of multiple personality disorder. This is, Anyways, allow you to do that for yourself with a character and allow yourself to be different of yourself outside of who you normally are. And that's what fantasy is. And that's what roleplaying is.

casey: 17:24

Yes, that's what we're talking about with this whole thing with fantasy. And with roleplaying being our biggest question, there's, there's a number of reasons. That's the first thing that we want to get into here. Is why do people want to do fantasy in the first place? First of all, Why would you not? You want to fucking fantasize. All day time. Every one of us does. I've been talking to the people. Also fantasy football players who you guys do it too. So if you ever think that you're someone that doesn't fantasize, I'm here to tell you that you do. We all do it on some level. So why do we fantasize in the first place? It's really about exploring your creative side. It allows you to have some, some minute escape from the very reality that we. Created around ourselves and explore some of this. And on the sexual side, it definitely allows you to explore your sexually creative side. And what better way to access some of your like primality, some of your, some of your really deep down desires that you have by allowing yourself that escape.

kari: 18:27

I don't think you need to honor that. I think that it's a beauty, even if you don't go with the fantasy with your partner or with your anyone that you're with. What if you're able to create yourself? That's what I'm saying. Like, what if we're able to create this person or this individual that you want to be in it? You can kind of like. Give yourself the confidence that you never actually had to then go up to the bar to this random person and ask to buy Them a drink like fantasy doesn't have to just be in the

casey: 18:54

bedroom. You're coming back later. Listen, I was playing a character

kari: 18:57

All right, that's not who I really am Okay, that's fair. Maybe don't

casey: 19:02

Don't use it to like, you know pick someone up at the bar

kari: 19:07

I mean, I guess I was just thinking more of like being able to like be another character, another version of yourself. Fantasy allows you to do that. So I

casey: 19:15

love that you say that, another version of yourself. Yeah. You're still who you are. You still are you. Yeah. Like you still have your identity. You're still your person. But to allow ourselves to access other parts. Of our being is it creates a ton of stuff and if you are someone that loves to indulge yourself with things like shadow work and loves to indulge yourself with self improvement understand that that that one version that you have in your head of yourself is not a final version you it's okay it's okay to be different versions of yourself people get stuck on this idea that like they have to be one you Version of themselves. They must stick to that. That's not the case. You can be whoever you

kari: 19:56

want to be. Well, and I, and I want to like take a step aside for a second and like speak to the women right now that are listening. We all have this version of ourselves, right? Like we work, we come home, we do stuff with the kids. We try to like cook if we can. You know, have the ability to do that and clean stuff up. And like, I feel like we get kind of bogged down on that is what our identity is. And just because it's what your daily life has to be does not mean that that is your identity. And my favorite aspect of role playing is yes, I am. The mom of two kids and I work and I clean, but does role playing allow me to be an entirely different person? And I feel like that's where. A partner can come together and really bond because your partner is also feeling the same stressors. I work, I cook, I do the outside chores, whatever the fuck is, your roles, it doesn't fucking matter.

casey: 20:59

Sometimes you want to be anybody.

kari: 21:01

So, yeah, that's what I'm saying. And so I don't want people to hear this and be like, I can't do that. No, yes, you can. If you're the busy person, you're the exact person we're talking to. The one that doesn't get the ability to be someone else. I have to be this person. No fuck that in role playing in your bedroom with your partner. Or whoever it is that you get the opportunity to play with, that is your time to create a different character. That is your time. We

casey: 21:27

get hooked on the idea that we must have a singular identity whenever the reality is that we can have multiple identities and we can embody those our best way because we actually have the capacity to be all of those people. We've been, we've grown up in a world that, that shames us. For like, it's always like you need to be yourself and you need to be you. I don't fully agree with that. I don't think

kari: 21:50

that they let you know that you can be different versions of you. It's almost like, no, build this character. And that is it. And that is what you're bound to. You are locked in. You are locked in sorcerer. You

casey: 22:01

can't do anything else. You have to be this person. But we like to explore all all sides of ourself and one of the things that doing this fantasy stuff is going to allow you to do is to fill some of these deep desires that you have and explore them in a safe environment with your partner. So whenever, whenever we're going to get to how, like how you can discuss this with your partner. But if I have these fantasies of like group play, if we have these fantasies of. Give me some good ones here. Care. You know, my critical thinking skills are, yeah, give me some good fantasies, some deep desires that a person might have that they want to explore with their partner.

kari: 22:38

So you could go into blindfolds, you could go into sensory play. That could be wax. That could be water. That could be. The electrical stem stuff there are fantasies that are outside of the household that could be picking someone else up at the bar or having public sex.

casey: 22:56

One night stand with a stranger. People have that fantasy often, right? We have women that have the fantasy of double penetration. We have people

kari: 23:06

that have men that fantasies of being cock holding. And like... Cuckholding! Cuckholding. Is that the past or present? Cuckholds.

casey: 23:21

Cuckholding. C U C K O L D. Cuckhold. Stop!

kari: 23:26

We're saying the same thing! No, you

casey: 23:28

said, you said like holding a cock in your hand, like cock holding. I mean, that is fair. I am holding cock.

kari: 23:37

Maybe that is a fantasy, Casey.

casey: 23:40

So would anybody like to

kari: 23:41

hold cock with me? What if that is a straight male's fantasy to just hold cock? Like

casey: 23:46

soft or hard?

kari: 23:48

I... I don't know. I'm not a straight male. That one's a whole clock. I would think I'm going to put my, I don't want to just,

casey: 23:54

you know, place your balls in my hand for 25 cents.

kari: 23:58

1, 2, 5 cents. Is that your, what you go for? No, but again, fantasies allow you to explore aspects that you wouldn't be desires get to.

casey: 24:11

Yes. Absolutely. It also creates a shared journey of desire and intimacy. This is one thing that I love so much because once you start actually opening up and discussing some of your fantasies with your partner and you find out that y'all have shared fantasies and you're like, holy shit, I didn't know you were, you want that too? Wait, you want what? So do I. Oh my God.

kari: 24:30

Okay. Has there been one that you and I have shared that you're like, Oh yeah. Like think early on in our relationship where I was like, this is a fantasy that I have. What was like the first one that came to your head that you're like, I also want to do that.

casey: 24:42

Uh, a specific act or like a fantasy that we participated in. No,

kari: 24:46

no, no. It's a specific act. Like, Oh, you had that fantasy. So do I. Probably

casey: 24:51

squirting. That was probably one of the early ones that I had fantasized about. Well, I mean, yeah, that was probably a big one of being like, cause that's something that, you know, I enjoyed it. You have made

kari: 25:02

people squirt before me. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Many, many times. So, but you were the first person to make me squirt. Yeah. So just as like sidebar, does it change the fantasy sometimes to be like. Uh, yes, I've made people squirt in the past, but I have a fancy now to make you

casey: 25:16

squirt. It's a new, it's a new experience. Yeah, it's, it be, it became for me like almost because I had done it and like early on in life and I'd been like, now it's like a life mission. I got to do it every

kari: 25:30

time. Was it your first or second girlfriend that you

casey: 25:32

made squirt? Holy shit. No, that was in high school. I know. I know it wasn't high school. I don't think it was my first, I don't think it was my first high school girlfriend. I think it was somebody after that.

kari: 25:42

Yeah. So I think that was also interesting because one aspect of this is just because you fulfilled a fantasy with another partner doesn't mean that you can't have that same fantasy, but then with someone else, right. And that's what's bringing that up. Like you have had made people's heart before me. And I want viewers to listen to this just because your partner has fulfilled a fantasy with someone else does not mean they cannot fulfill that same or don't want

casey: 26:05

to fulfill it with you just because you're going, Oh man, I checked off the list for this BDSM fantasy of being tied up and you'll use like completely used just because if your partner has done it with somebody else doesn't mean they don't want to do it with you. It also doesn't devalue.

kari: 26:22

Thank you. That was one of

casey: 26:24

the biggest that you have together. So if you are someone that's like, well, they've already experienced. Yeah, it's a unique experience you have to you. So if you're sitting back and saying, well, well, they've already done it. Why do I don't want to do it now? Hey, come on. Hey, yes, you've written. This particular roller coaster, but there's a bunch more and they're all roller coasters. The thing

kari: 26:45

that annoys me right now, no, the thing that annoys me right now is I was going to say a roller coaster ride. And then you said it. And I'm like, how the fuck are we thinking the same analogy? It's

casey: 26:57

good. It's because we're creating that shared journey. So one of the, one of the other things that we've touched on this already in this episode a little bit, but let's cut. It allows you to step out of your normal role in the bedroom and become like a whole nother person. So it is about that. It's it's. I love this because this specific topic is discussed across all platforms. If you listen to the fucking business gurus are that are out there that are saying you must wear the different hats, the managerial hat and the sales hat and all that, and they teach you how to create characters based around those. And they're like, embody the character. We do that same fucking thing just with sex.

kari: 27:38

Honestly. Yeah. It's the same damn thing. Like

casey: 27:40

learn how to, so to me that is an entrepreneur. If you are somebody that does do those things, you're doing the same thing. It's just in your sexual life and it's with your partner or partners or whoever you're going with at that point. So now that we've discussed a little bit about. Like why fantasy is a fun thing because it can be an amazing thing. It can be this whole experience. And again, it allows you, Oh, one thing we didn't discuss was, was compromising in a fantasy. So, I mean, if you are not as particularly maybe open as we might be in our relationship and you are a, Uh, a vulva owner that has a fantasy of being double penetrated, but your partner is like, Hey, listen, I'm not comfortable with sharing you with another penis owner. They have tools for that. You can go to the sex shop and get a, uh, I mean, essentially it's a, it's a piece that straps onto you. So you would then have your penis. So I would have my penis. And then I have another one that is a, that is a plastic mold or a rubber mold. And you can use that to exceed. Some level of double penetration. So you're making a compromise so you can fantasize about it. Embody the roles. Pretend as if there's a third person

kari: 28:51

side sidebar real fast. If you've never had DP, don't try it for the first time with. Two individuals recommend a toy first, strongly, strongly recommend a toy first, because you can have a fantasy that you think is like, I want this. And then you experience it and you find out maybe this is a little too much.

casey: 29:13

That's always a concern that

kari: 29:14

people have. Right. And it can be, and there are ways to move around it or re fantasize, if you will. I personally have a fantasy of DP. I have never had DP ever, but. I would love to play with Casey with that toy that we're discussing, and I would never go into a situation with two males and me wanting DP without toying or experimenting or understanding my wants.

casey: 29:46

First, well, you have that massive concern, right? Of being like, well, what if we start this and I just, and I can't do that. I can, I get, I get triggered or something happens. And if we have not prepped appropriately and we'll go into that, we are. But if, but if we haven't prepped appropriately, like how do I stop this? Like, holy shit, I'm already on the fucking rollercoaster. Oh my God, I'm halfway on the bridge. What do I do? I'm like, I'm like, click, click. Clicking up the track about to go on that big drop and I all of a sudden decide that I wanna get off the fucking ride. What am I supposed to do? Yeah. So if you're not prepped for that, you don't know how to do it. So there's, there's legit, this is a legit concerns that we have here, which is why we make it to where it's, it says, Hey, come to some compromises first experiment around with maybe

kari: 30:26

some lessons that you want to create,

casey: 30:28

create it. That's one of our biggest things within the, within the space of, of kink, right? Is create a scene, discuss your boundaries around that scene. So the next thing we want to talk about is how we can. Do this in the first place because we're gonna employ as always our three C's our comfort communication and consent And we want to talk about how we can incorporate those three C's into fantasy play with the first one being communication. Yeah, so The first thing that you have to do if if you're going to listen to your partner's fantasies Or you want your partner to listen to your fantasies is understand that you are two unique Identities. Yeah. The two of you have different ideals. You've been raised.

kari: 31:09

Yes. You have everything. You have

casey: 31:09

different core values. Everything about you is different. As much as you want to be like, we're the same person, I guarantee you, you have differences and it's important that there's things that your partner might say that are going to create an emotional response with you that might make you uncomfortable. So that first thing that you really, really need to do is to allow yourself, give yourself permission to be uncomfortable. And give yourself permission to feel things without being emotionally reactive in that conversation. So for instance, if Carrie came to me and she was like, Hey, I have this fantasy of, of having like a gang bang. I was like six guys around me and everybody's like, yeah, like one person in each hole, I'm airtight. And like, people are, I got hands going and everything is everywhere.

kari: 31:58

Intimidating. Anyways, I'm sorry.

casey: 32:01

If I hear that for the very first time and I'm in a relationship where I'm like, I am strictly monogamous and we don't talk about this kind of stuff and I hear that it's going to set me off, it would, you're going to be triggered. Yeah. Anybody would that is in that state of mind. So it's about opening yourself up. But at the same time, if you're somebody that it's going, well, my partner's going to tell me this, but in my head I'm thinking, well, I really want this like fucking horror, like harem fantasy where I have eight women on me and I'm just kidding. I'm getting head from everybody and now I'm just being treated like understand. So weird

kari: 32:32

that men and women can also share the same fantasy.

casey: 32:35

What? Opposing ends of the spectrum with just where we apply gender roles, right? So it does become giving yourself permission to hear these things as well as allowing your partner permission. To speak

kari: 32:50

to them, but also at that same time, just because someone brings you a fantasy does not mean it's the end. I'll be all this has to happen. Or we're done. Allow them to share that with you because that is intimidating for the partner to be able to come to you, especially if you are in a monogamous relationship and you want to have a gang bang. Like you could not be more opposite again, just because yes. Your partner is sharing a fantasy with you does not mean that fancy that has to happen. So don't judge them accordingly.

casey: 33:18

You can also, this is where the compromise comes in, incorporate things like blindfold play where your partner doesn't know who you are and you can help to create the fantasy in their head that there are multiple men there. There are multiple women there and y'all can play on that together. So the next thing we want to talk about is creating comfort in this. Because let's face it, no one that is in a stressful state, no one that is in a. off state, a primal state, an infantile state is going to be open to hearing any of these things. So what we want to do is we want to create the emotional space for your partner and you to be able to engage and discuss. So there's the comfort comes in, in two phases, the, uh, the emotional. It's the physical state, the emotional state is not only allowing yourself and your partner to do this, but verbalizing as well. If you've ever heard of the wheel of consent, this is a really, really good time to employ things like that. We're not going to go into the fine details of what this is because that could take hours and hours and hours. It is a really, really. Positive thing for anyone to incorporate into the relationship, but it's part of it is about asking for permission, giving permission and doing things for yourself and for your partner and allowing all this to happen. So. Uh, you can verbalize to each other or else you could be closed off and feeling like you're going to be judged of this is what I want to discuss. I, I need you to give me or I'm requesting that you give me permission to be vulnerable with you. Yeah. I went that and I need you to be able to say you have my permit or you have my consent to be vulnerable, to open up and do share things on a very deep level with no fear. That there's going to be any sort of repercussion for

kari: 35:05

what you say. And then I also think that there's a, is a point that the conversation could be stopped at any time for both parties, you could incorporate a safe word at that point. Maybe like I brought to Casey that yes, I do want to have a gang bang and we, and I start describing my fantasy more. He could come at me and say, Hey here's our safe word. It's not a. I'm not like telling you, stop. I don't want to hear this anymore. It's just a, Hey, I heard you. Let's let's put a pin in it. Or that was a little much for me to take in, in this moment. Let me take some time to reflect. Feel in

casey: 35:40

a particular way. If I need to

kari: 35:41

step out of the room, I think that when you sit down and have the conversations of fantasy with your partner in this conversation, you should allot for a safe word. Every couple should have a safe word. And then at that point. When it is used, it can't be offensive or offending to either party. It needs to be heard, respected, maybe take a few minutes and understand that if you're being vulnerable enough to tell someone your fantasy, so understand the vulnerability, vulnerability, vulnerability, vulnerability, no, just say the goddamn vulnerability. Thank you. Uh, that it takes to, to open up. So it. Takes both parties and again. Say, there's nothing at and, and you throw that in there and you can put a pin in it and talk about it later. Don't think that this conversation has to be beginning to end.

casey: 36:37

So on top of that, we want to create the physical space to engage in not only the discussion, but the actual engaging in the fantasy play. And this is everything from the mood to the decor. Don't try to engage in fantasy after a night out drinking unless it's been pre discussed.

kari: 36:52

Yeah. Don't fantasy. Don't drink in fantasy. Especially if you're. Because one party, if you're comfortable

casey: 36:58

with it and y'all are both like y'all are both cool with it, like find where you lie first. Yeah. I was about to say, just don't just be like, Hey, this is our first time doing this. Let's go. Yeah. Let's go take shots and do it. And like, yeah, don't do that. Yeah. Don't do that. You need a clear head. You want to be able to think straight. for whenever you get to that point where you are feeling an emotional way. Uh, but it's, again, it's also like the decor is you, do you have a shared sex playlist that you guys engage in? Always helpful. Do you have mood lighting? One of my favorite things to do is you can go to a, your local like home improvement store and get the, for 20, 30 bucks, get an led light that connects to your phone, Bluetooth, and you can change the lighting on it. You can make it a fucking strobe if you want to. You can do whatever with it, but that's something very simple and small. Place into your room. Be like, Hey, we're going to fantasize. We're going to engage in this. So let's set the mood for it. Let's put some music on. Engage the

kari: 37:50

senses. It helps everything engage the senses. Thank you. You have a site with the lighting,

casey: 37:56

everything. You've got everything like smells or a diffuser

kari: 38:01

going, like you just said, music going like everything can set the mood. And we have a whole episode on the senses. Set the tone to your senses or your partner senses.

casey: 38:11

Yeah, go back and listen to that one and we can give you a lot of good ideas about how you can engage the senses for play. And then most important part that we have, that we talk about all the time is consent. You know how big we are con on consent. It's something that I feel is not discussed enough. And a lot of the pages that we follow in the podcast that we listened to where they're discussing, uh, things like open relationships or discussing, uh, your relationship where you're engaging in BDSM or any sort of kink is the, yeah, they'll, they'll talk about consent. Hey, gain consent first. We want to really push the, push the envelope on that one with being like, maybe that needs to be your very, very first point of contact. Is gaining consent. And these are statements that you have where you can talk about doing things for your own pleasure. You can use may I statements again. Uh,

kari: 39:00

if you like, what's an example, like, may I touch your breasts for my

casey: 39:04

pleasure? Yeah. So this is a big one that we talk about for like oral whenever it's like, I want to go down on you and you're sitting back going. I don't want to receive pleasure right now, but if I approach it from the place of like, may I go down on you for my own pleasure?

kari: 39:19

And can I sell, like, can I say as a woman hearing that, because there are times that we do feel like we have to like receive and then perform. But when you come at me and say, and this is something recent to our relationship where you have said, can I do this for my pleasure? That took the sheet off. It, it literally made me think like. Oh, I don't have to sit there and be like, oh, thank you so much for doing this for me. Oh, you're so good. Like we, we get to experience that, but it takes away that like mental like need that I feel like I have to validate you. But if you come to me and say, I'm doing this for my pleasure. That's cool. And I'll thank you for vagina. I'm doing this for me like that. And maybe that's just me. Well, it's not, I know plenty of women that feels way. It's just, it takes away a little bit of that, like stress of receiving because I have stress receiving. We do, we get nervous. I have to like perform

casey: 40:21

in a way unfortunate society that we live in that has given us the message that you're supposed to perform. We have that like male, but

kari: 40:28

you took that out of my mental concept. When you said I'm doing this for me,

casey: 40:33

yeah, it's because it's important to me for our relationship that it's not not patriarchal. Well, and that's not male

kari: 40:40

centric. There's not a goddamn thing in our relationship. That is. Patriarchal,

casey: 40:47

everything that we try to do is about equality. Everything that we try to do is about for, for the betterment of the whole, for the greater good, for the greater good,

kari: 40:58

let's

casey: 40:58

do this. You know, whenever we, whenever we discuss fantasy. Some people have that question being like, if I'm going to engage in fantasy, my partner, I can't think of anything. What are some resources that we can give

kari: 41:14

people? So talk about fantasy. There is an app that we have used in the past and we've also talked about in the past, but it's, it's very user friendly. You and your partner can sign up for it. You connect the accounts together and it gives you a list of ideas. And that's basically where it starts from. What's

casey: 41:31

awesome about this is this has become. Massively popular. And now we're seeing some of the larger are dating apps. Some of the larger relationship apps like paired is doing it too. Yeah. They've now created their own like kink list. Yeah.

kari: 41:46

So what this does is it'll give you a card, and if you like what's on the card, you swipe right. We like it. If you don't like it, you swipe left, but what it does is if your partner and you both swipe right, here you go. It unlocks this kink for the both of you. And what is the app?

casey: 42:05

So for that one, that's X Confessions. Yeah. The reason that we liked X Confessions was mostly for the aesthetic. Yeah. It was very like user friendly. The cards look great. They were designed well. We've

kari: 42:16

seen. But it also gave us a lot of cool ideas that we necessarily didn't have in the past, but again, the beauty of it is, is if both of you swipe and you like it, then it'll notify you and say, both of you want this.

casey: 42:28

Like we said before, it's, it's like the tender of sex acts. So if somebody, if I'm on there and it talks about, you know, book hockey and I'm like, no, I'm not interested in that. My partner is interested in that. I'm never going to know that they're interested in that. That's the thing, right? It creates this level of security for you to be vulnerable. Now this, of course, is talking to relationships where you may not feel super comfortable discussing. Fantasy some people are insanely comfortable discussing it and they can sit down and be like, hey, look at this Here's this like water sports thing. You want to do that? Yeah, and you're like, yeah, or one person's like fuck that I mean,

kari: 43:07

well in another and I'm skipping here But another great way to actually like start to pinpoint some of your fantasies is watch porn together. That's always our favorite watch porn together because First of all, watching porn can be a fantasy within itself, but then go aside from that and start paying attention to what's happening in, in the shot. I love that this guy blindfolded her and she had to come in because she was late for her school assignment and he was the teacher. Like I understand that

casey: 43:37

that's like so many fantasies.

kari: 43:39

I love it. I know I'm trying. I'm really trying. I'm trying to like mix them all together. And then like, and then a bunch of men come out, but I'm serious. Like you can watch porn and say, wow, that fantasy is actually really hot. Now I want to do that. And the reason why is because not everyone is creatively thinking we, not everyone can sit down and put a thought to a concept and you don't have to, yeah, you don't. Have to download X confessions between you and your partner. Start watching porn together between you and your partner. The majority of those like setups and those concepts are all fucking fake. Right? No stepdad is fucking his daughter. I'm like, I hope not. I really fucking hope not. But you can set that up as. A fantasy because you can go through because none of that shit's real. We all know this by now. None of that shit's real. This wasn't a professor that they hired to do a porn. This wasn't a student that they hired. Stop it. To hire to do a porn. That's not how it is. It is all fake.

casey: 44:47

We know that that's a Hollywood production. Yes.

kari: 44:50

So, Utilize that, But it's all fake sex geared around fantasy. Yeah. So use porn as a way to figure that out.

casey: 44:59

You can use it as an avenue to explore various acts that you might be interested in. Yeah. We've, we've seen some more recently where it's been like, Oh wow, look, this person's suspended from the ceiling and they're going through all this stuff. There's like, there's a ton of things out there and if you just categorize it, then you can sit back and go, okay, let's find out what we're interested in, what we're not interested in and then incorporate it into our bedroom play and a more realistic

kari: 45:23

manner. Thank you. It has to be the most realistic manner and I stress this. You don't need to go and fucking buy outfits. You don't need to go all. And you can, but in the beginning, it's just about fulfilling that fantasy and. If it evolves and y'all decide together that you love fulfilling fantasies together, then it can expand upon and y'all can go a little bit more into it. But I do want to stress the fact that like, all of this does start with communication with your partner. You could go into this whole concept and understand that like, I love fantasy, then my partner doesn't. I mean, I hope that doesn't happen to you, but if it, but, but if it does, then there are also ways that you can like navigate y'all's relationship. But the thing is, is that you're never going to know unless you try. And the biggest thing that we stress, and we're actually going to be talking about this in the next episode. So I'm going to say it really briefly is you have to fucking date your partner. You have to. Like if you are like we are and you've been together a long time you have kids you have lives You have everything else going on if you don't pinpoint times to just fucking let loose and have fun with your partner I don't know that you're actually gonna have that strong of a relationship and that's a bold statement to say But if you don't play together and have fun together and even right now I don't just mean sexually if you don't do that What are you actually building with that person that you're with?

casey: 46:55

Yeah. And it's about prioritizing your relationship. You know, we have this very strong principle that we believe in that the, the same, uh, strategies and tactics that you use to build yourself at a career, uh, or financially also pertain to your relationship at home. And that is that. When you are trying to build something that it requires a shared vision when you are trying to build something, it requires proper planning and strategizing to get there for anyone to tell you that, oh, no, that's not your relationship to just grow naturally and it's just flowing with as the water does and all that. No, it's not how it is. It's, it's, it's work. It is sitting down. It's having the tough conversations that it. It is about that growth and it's about strategizing and working towards a shared vision that you have. And if we do it in all these other aspects of life, then why would we minimize our relationships, especially our sexual relationships by saying we don't need to do it with those? Yeah, you're

kari: 47:54

absolutely right. Why can we structurize the kids and the household and the bills and, and everything going on, but we can't do that with our sexual life. Exactly. You got

casey: 48:03

to. It's one of the keys to a happy relationship. So. Having said that for another episode of come with Casey, we are your hosts. I'm Dr. Casey Sanders.

kari: 48:11

And I'm just Carrie. Just

casey: 48:13

Carrie.