How Do Fish F**K

In this episode we are going over the most googled sex questions of 2023 because they are HILARIOUS! Seriously, there are people out there that could use some good education in terms of sex, 

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Kari 0:00

Well, hello and welcome to another episode of Come with Casey. Hi. Come Yes, I am your co-host, Carrie Sanders. Just Carrie. Just Carrie, sometimes Simple. Jack Just Jack.

Casey 0:14

I said simple Jack. I know, but simple. Jack is from Tropic Thunder. That's Ben Stiller and Tropic Thunder. And you can confus that, that with Will and Grace's Jack, which is just Jack.

Kari 0:26

Jack. I'm Jack in a Box That was one of my favorite fucking machines. But anyways, I'm your cohost Carrie Sanders

Casey 0:35

and I am the other guy, Dr. Casey Sanders. It's been a week. It's been a week so far.

Kari 0:43

Are we already in February? Yeah. So, so we're in February now. And something that's actually new to us that we wanted to share with y'all as couples that promote counseling. We just started, we're what, two, two sessions in?

Casey 1:01

Oh, to our newest counselor. Yeah. And we have strong belief that counseling, therapy, things like that are not for people that are broken. No they are for people to explore their self identity there for people to explore their relationships there for people

Kari 1:18

to learn to communicate better to. I mean, there's so many reasons why counseling for couples is so beneficial. This

Casey 1:24

may not be a good reason at all. But have you ever been? And a debate with your partner argument, your partner, and you just wish you had a third party to

Kari 1:30

watch all the time because I want them to tell Casey that he's wrong. I mean, that's not all the goddamn time. That's not what a counselor does. They don't, but maybe we could hire someone that's not a counselor. That goes in and just tells me that I'm right. I'll pay extra for

Casey 1:46

it. Yeah. I'm sure you can find someone online that will just like you pay them a hundred bucks an hour and they'll just sit there and affirm your

Kari 1:54

bias. I will trick you. You won't even know that it's happening. I was like, I found this great counselor. Don't do that guys

Casey 2:03

don't do that coming in and sit down. That person's like, man, Casey, I don't know what's wrong with you. I'm getting like gas lit by this fucking counselor. You're like,

Kari 2:12

wait a minute. I didn't see some credentials here.

Casey 2:15

Everything I say, they're like, Ooh, that's problematic behavior. We have this huge core philosophy that therapy is one of the best tools. In your behavioral toolbox that you can have, well, and

Kari 2:29

I love that you bring up like it's not for people or couples that are broken. It's for everybody. It

Casey 2:34

is for people that are broken. It's also for

Kari 2:37

people that are not broken. I feel like you and I within the past few years are probably the strongest that we've ever been, but yet we're still going to someone looking to someone to help us and not even help. But like, yeah. I mean, what would you call it? I don't, we didn't seek them out for

Casey 2:53

help. You're looking for growth. So the way that I, my, the thing I liken it to is everything that you do in life, it is a good idea for you to seek some sort of teacher. For some sort of mentorship for you want to learn about a subject you'd go to school or find credible people online to learn from and business. If you're a blue collar worker and you go into, let's say plumbing and you are a intro person and you find a master plumber who works you through all this stuff and helps you become a journeyman into a master, all that kind of stuff. No matter what the field is, you have people that you look up to and that you learn from. Why the fuck are you doing that for like your behavior your mental. Health, go sit down with someone that's credible, someone that knows what the fuck they're talking about, not somebody that's telling you from like their personal life experiences, what has worked from them or for them, but people that like have training in this kind of stuff where they can sit down with you and talk to you, why the fuck would you do it for everything else in your life? But exclude your own skills on say, communication or your own view of yourself, all of that mental health is so important. So find someone that can help you through it.

Kari 4:04

And then, you know, we've had to counseling sessions with this individual. And obviously we understand the first time is to get acquainted. Yeah. What can we figure out about this person? Are they going to be a fit? Are they not going to be a fit? Because we've had counseling experiences in the past that didn't go well. Oh, it's terrible. It was absolutely terrible.

Casey 4:25

Whenever you have a counselor that like talks about themselves, the entire,

Kari 4:28

the entire time I'd be like, oh, I had breakfast today. Oh, let me tell you about what I had. And then what I had for lunch. And I was like, you are really indulging in yourself versus like I'm paying you. I don't want to hear you talk about

Casey 4:42

yourself. Well, and that's the importance about finding a network of people that are within the, your chosen community. So what we, the mistake that we had made there is that we found somebody that was close to us. Yeah, that was close. Yeah. We were trying to be like proximity in person. So telehealth has become a huge thing over the past four years. And we were not quick to jump on board

Kari 5:03

with it. No, that was me. That was not you. That was me. And I was like, no, I want to, I'm not going to disagree with you. I want to sit there. I want to see them. I want to engage. I don't want it to just be online at the time. Felt disconnected. Yeah. But that was. How many years ago? Yeah. I mean, that whole fucking zoom calls, like that was in my head and I'm like, fuck zoom calls. I don't want to do that shit. Like I want to look them in the eyes and then I did and I was like, I'm in the eyes, but I didn't know until actually experienced it. But the other aspect of it when we went into that set of counseling was they happened to be super religious and that wasn't a fit and we didn't know. We didn't know what we didn't know. Right. And so it was like one of those things that it was. She wasn't necessarily the person for us and I'm not going to do great for other people. Yes. But to bring up like religion, when you didn't even ask us how we felt, we were in Keller, Texas. I got it. You assumed, but you shouldn't do that as a counselor, you should never assume anything about the people that you're trying to help. And that was a big eyeopening thing for me and you, because people know by now, like what our goal is and what we're trying to do. Like we want to counsel couples. That is our biggest goal together. This podcast really was designed to help couples, but our future planning is and to help and to counsel. And we can't do that if we don't actually have the experience of our own. Yeah.

Casey 6:40

It's that concept of standing on the shoulders of giants. Yeah. You find the people that are the best in their field and you learn as much as you can from them, and then you expand upon those ideals, the ones You agree with we don't agree with everybody's ideals. Just like not everybody agrees with ours. We've had people that we've talked to in the past that want to put very different ideas into place and they completely disagree with what we say. And we're okay with that. We're not looking for the people that disagree with what we're saying. We're looking for the people that are seeking guidance. We're looking for the people that do agree. And that if our content speaks to you and brings you in and say, and you say, I like this, I want to know more. Then the fuck, yeah, let's do it together. Yeah, absolutely. Anyway, counseling is awesome and we love doing it and participating in it. No, and we had it, and it makes, brings up some fucking difficult conversations and fun ones. What

Kari 7:28

just is necessary though? Because every time that you go through a difficult conversation in a healthy manner, it just presents growth to the relationship. And if you're with someone, what the fuck is the point To not grow with them? I'm not gonna be with someone that I don't wanna grow with. That's pointless. It's stupid to me. And so if we can seek out someone to help us or any person can seek out someone to help them, like it's just to make the situation

Casey 7:56

better. Well, a number of people, this is going to be a big point is that a number of people have fear and growth, whether you realize it or not, and it's okay whether you do or don't, but there's a number of people that do have fear and growth, so they avoid conflict. They avoid having the difficult. Conversations with a partner, and this is because their brain is driving them to make decisions that are to give them that dopamine hit. They're making decisions that are going to drive their reward system, and so they avoid anything that could interrupt that award system. Yeah, I'm sorry. That reward system. So now it's like, instead of having a difficult conversation with you, I'm going to allow that difficult conversation to go to the wayside. I'll put it in my pocket. I'll save it for later, which is detrimental. But when do you use that later? Right? So you have all these relationships, which we have such a high failure rate in relationships because people avoid some of these more difficult conversations because they're like, no, I have a really good thing going. And I feel like if I bring this big thing up, It could fuck it up. What happens if it fucks it up? I mean,

Kari 8:59

we had a really good thing going and we just sat at lunch today and had a really hard conversation. We did. Like a really fucking hard conversation. I was literally crying at lunch, which was fine. I wasn't crying because I was sad. It was just, it was an intense conversation. And then

Casey 9:13

We left. You are a therapist for evoking these kinds of conversations for really like driving us to have some of these conversations.

Kari 9:21

And I mean, even as great as our communication is to have a third party step in and just like guide. It was really helpful. And if you notice they didn't guide it in the moment, they guided it afterwards. And I think that's what really therapy is it's not necessarily giving you what you need in that exact session. What happens after that session to

Casey 9:40

me it's generating thought provoking conversations. Yeah. And allowing people to decide for themselves, empowering them to decide for themselves what it is they want and giving them the tools in which to complete that. That's that difference that we talk about is like counseling and coaching, right? This is what draws you so into be becoming a coach is that you're like I want to. Tell you what's going to, what's going to work. I want to be like, Hey, you know, it's the same thing with, I'm going to use a fucking sports analogy for this one. Like one of the first but it's somewhere like you have somebody that's a player and they're batting coaches. Like move your foot here, move your elbow. In here, turn over your wrist, do all this kind of things. Or a football coach telling somebody how to throw a ball. Yeah. Or a fucking acting coach talking about like how to projecting or whatever. Oh, yeah. Alter the tone of your voice to fit a character better or

Kari 10:28

projecting less for me, that coach. Yeah.

Casey 10:30

But that coach is there to guide you. Yeah. And do that thing. And that's what draws you in, correct? God. So that's like that big difference where the therapist, the counselor sits back and says, I want to help this person uncover their own truth. And if I can guide them to do that in a way that promotes growth in their life, then fuck. Yeah.

Kari 10:50

Because at the end of the day why would you not want to be better? Why would you not want a better relationship? Why would you not want to undersell for yourself better? Like I do. See ya. Like, why would you not want to understand your relationship better or yourself better? Like, there's no harm in Understanding the situation that you're in, whether it be you or your partner or what it means for y'all to be together. And I do feel like there has been this shift in society to understand that we need to understand ourselves better. We're trying to, we're trying to, and there's. I, we're on this we're like in the middle of this shift and I do feel like 2020 put this like big, like mental health. Like we all have to be, here's the

Casey 11:29

spotlight. There's about to be a bunch of shit go

Kari 11:33

down, dude. And I think that it was like, fucking finally, it took a goddamn pandemic for people to realize that mental health was a thing. But I can speak true to that even to myself,

Casey 11:44

like, but do you remember what mental health was like for you in high school? Yeah. Like, did you ever take a communications class? You did? No. See, okay. I guess it was elective for me. I remember being in courses in high school where they were talking about proper communication. They were talking about like, I had these classes. Did I skip school that day? You might have. I don't know. I was the one that was like getting out at 11 o'clock by senior year. It was great. Yeah, but there were classes. I distinctly remember taking, uh, maybe it was speech. Or was about healthy communication that was, and I remember distinctly having students in class that were like, this is bullshit. They're like, who the fuck needs this? This is stupid shit. If they were a guy, it's like, you're a fucking pussy. If you need any time, like who needs this kind of talking about this kind of stuff? No, you just buck up and deal with this shit. And there's still a lot of people that have that outlook, which we earlier today talked about. What was that, nut up or shut up? Yeah. It's like you are less than if you address these things, it means that you're weak and we equate it to that. It's unfortunate, but that's a topic for an

Kari 12:45

entirely. No, that's what to say, baby. You're getting on a whole other episode right now. The

Casey 12:49

whole point is that yay therapy.

Kari 12:52

One of the other big things that we have going on right now is our photo shoot next week. And this is something that I'm so fucking proud of you, Casey. This is a individual that reached out to us. It's a photographer and they're wanting to set up a like Shabari

Casey 13:09

shoot. Yes. So we have three models coming in including yourself. One of them being yourself. Well, yeah, that's where we're going to sit down. We're going to do some Shabari ties. No suspension this time. Not

Kari 13:20

yet. Yeah. The thing that these photographers were asking for is how to incorporate Shabari into boudoir. Yeah. And Honestly, like they really reached out to the best fucking people possible, right? We're not trying to suspend and do crazy and it's beautiful. That's such a beautiful work of art, but for the everyday ordinary individual, if we're working, it's not a

Casey 13:44

thing. You, the last thing that you want to do is meet a stranger and then be like, now come over here and. Get tied up in the air. Good Lord. No. You want to talk about blue light activation real quick? No, not okay. Not healthy. Not safe at all. What is safe? What's okay to do is that if you are skilled and you know things like My degrees that I have in anatomy and physiology that I can leverage in order to say, here are some safe ties. This person can go through in order to create a nice, something beautiful, boudoir aesthetic, something that can be like artistic, something that can be a little bit edgy, a nice, you know, exploration to self love or a nice exploration into a gift for a partner. All of that can be done. And we organize something like that for coming up next week. Yep.

Kari 14:30

So we're, yeah, so this is our, No, this isn't our first time. This is what I can even tell you how many times we've done this, but I'm so excited to present this to y'all soon. But me as a partner. Looking back and just realizing and seeing like how hard you've worked to understand ropes and ties and the education and the time that you've put behind it. And now we're really seeing that come into fruition it's great. And we didn't even think that this is what was going to happen from it. We thought Shabari was going to be something that we did together and it was just like fun thing. And now we're really seeing that the scope of what this could mean for us or for you, you know, I mean, you're like. You're Dr. Rigger now. Like I think it's fucking hot. I've been looking for a handle. And you know, you were also reached out by an individual that does local tying in our DFW area for you to come out and just talk about like the safety of dying through again, your education as being a doctor. Yeah.

Casey 15:33

So that is another thing we're looking at working with a new group of people who all. Our enthusiasts in Shabari and we're looking at putting together some classwork and things in order to teach people, Hey, what's safe and what's a little bit more dangerous things to look out for. The aesthetics behind it the why behind it, what it can drive, because a lot of people have this understanding that it's like the BDSM aspect of it is all that there is to it. And while you can use Shabari for. A play time and it's a lot of fun, fucking fun to do. Trust me on that one. We know that quite well, there's a whole nother area to it that is meditative. That is and we had a, even we had a disagreement on a previous episode that we talked to people about this, is that for me that it is a little level of therapeutic, no, it's not therapy, but a level of therapeutic allows a person to disappear into their own self. If I can be somebody that facilitates that, that works with people in a very safe and calm manner to help that happen, then fuck yeah, let's go. So we have a lot working in the field of Shibari. It's been a passion over the last year and a half to do, and we're just gonna keep growing and keep working with more and more people on that. But, let's get into the the thicket of

Kari 16:49

today. So we're gonna get into the episode, and this was one that I designed. I don't know anything about it! So a lot of times we don't take turns on this shit. We just bounce ideas back and forth, but we were sitting at lunch a couple of weeks ago and also understand that we set up our interviews to be like an interview and then an individual, and then like an interview and an individual. And this was one that I had set up weeks ago. And I was really curious to the top questions. Sex, but not only the top questions Googled for sex, but like last year exclusively, like what were the things that people wanted to know last year about sex? So I went through 50 different sites. I Googled a bunch of shit and I came up with a list of, I think I have, hold on, let me see how many questions I have for you. I have 13 questions and the thing

Casey 17:41

is, wait. If I'm hearing you correctly, the 13 most Googled questions about sex in

Kari 17:50

last year. So 2023,

Casey 17:52

2023 most Googled sex

Kari 17:54

questions. And the thing is I went through on so many different sites to try to like, I didn't just go through one. I dude, I researched this stuff for like a couple of days. And I found the most common questions. Some of them were kind of stupid, but these are the most common. But the thing that I'd really love to do to Casey is like force critical thinking, which is what he hates the most. I feel like he's getting better about it because it's something that the show that I've liked. Made him do since day one.

Casey 18:23

Yeah, it's helped. You know me, I am the academic person. Whenever I tell you a piece of information, it's not because I'm just like, on the cusp of it, or like, I'm just thinking of it. It's, I've got it fucking locked and loaded in the chamber, and I can access it. But that's because I've read up on it and I've done research articles and publications and all that kind of stuff. So to be, uh, to be asked things that require critical thinking in the moment has not always been my strong suit. And it's something like it's a goal of mine starting last year. So this is going on year two of working on my critical thinking skills in order to, in the moment, be able to. Give a, an honest and transparent opinion without overthinking it. And when you're

Kari 19:06

so much better about it, you can thank me.

Casey 19:09

Yeah, absolutely. I already give you credit for that.

Kari 19:13

All right. Again, top googled sex questions in 2023. Let's go. What is speed bump sex?

Casey 19:26

What is speed bump sex? It's a position speed. Is this like elevation of like pelvic elevation?

Kari 19:34

I don't have the answers written. No, speed bump sex is a position. Now this is one that I do remember asking you about a few weeks ago and we like sat down at the table. We were like, wait a minute. What the fuck are they talking about? Because you have to understand like sex positions are determined under so many different, do you have the classifications? Because I

Casey 19:58

would bet that it's something where it's like you're elevating your pelvis.

Kari 20:02

It is, yeah, you're right. Okay. Yeah, so in that aspect, and it's just, 'cause I Googled it 'cause I was like, I don't want the fuck speed bump sexes. But yes, it's, it is when a woman like positions herself higher. Uhhuh and then the guy thrust from the bottom and like it's a speed bump. So they're like thrusting up into, so is it

Casey 20:22

specific to a position, like it needs to be missionary with a bump? Yeah. Or doggy with a bump?

Kari 20:26

Yeah. It is. It is more like. It's more of the person being penetrated on top. So imagine like reverse cowgirl, right? That's more of what it means. Like, or it doesn't have to necessarily be reverse. Hold

Casey 20:40

on. Hold on. Because we're gonna look it up too.

Kari 20:43

No. Then please look it up actually. Because again, remember I said this like fucking weeks ago?

Casey 20:49

One of the first things this says. Sex position is ideal for men with smaller penises.

Kari 20:56

That's beneficial, honestly. Speed bump sex, but it was meant to be like, Oh, okay.

Casey 21:03

So it's doggy style with something underneath your pelvis.

Kari 21:07

Oh, so then I had a vastly different understanding of it. I assume that it was like, I mean, it's like,

Casey 21:12

so we own a wedge, we own a liberator wedge, which allows your pelvis to be risen. And we've both agreed, like, that's been, that was a great thing. We purchased that a couple of years ago, like, especially for missionary. It'll, it allows for deeper penetration. It allows for like, I'm able to, one of the things I love about it is that I can sink lower. So because we know the angle. of the actual vaginal canal and where it lies. So if you are able to angle your penis in a way that stimulates various areas, having straight 90 degree missionary sex is not always beneficial. Like

Kari 21:48

45

Casey 21:48

degree angle. So if you get somebody on a on like a wedge or something or put something underneath their pelvis and it raises it up, it's going to alter the angle. Of the vaginal canal.

Kari 21:58

Okay, so the speed bump is the bump that elevates. It's the bump underneath, yeah. Okay. That is not what I was thinking at all, but this is why we're doing this. But I love that is the number one ask question. Never that number one. That was the number one. I've never even heard of.

Casey 22:13

Speed bump then. And there's if I was gonna ask what a sex position was, it would be like, what's the Amazon position? Do you know what the Amazon position is? See, I know what that one is. That one's the one that I had told you about where it's, so this is very. Amazon position is very empowering for the vulva owner because the penis owner lies on their back and puts their legs back almost up to their shoulder. So like, think of if you're in yoga, like the happy baby position. And so then the vulva owner would straddle them and insert the penis into themselves. And then the vulva owner is the one doing the work, doing the thrust. So penis owner would be back and the vulva owner would be thrusting onto their penis. Okay. So if I was going to Google a sex position, it'd be something like that, but like speed bump, I feel like that's almost implied. Like, yeah, put somebody on your pelvis.

Kari 23:08

Yeah. I didn't know that's what that was. All right. Now we know. And knowing is half the battle.

Casey 23:12

Okay.

Kari 23:13

Fuck,

Casey 23:15

are we,

Kari 23:18

can you have sex when pregnant? I'm sorry, before you answer, how the fuck is it 2023? And we're still asking that goddamn question

Casey 23:27

because what age group. It's Google. I don't fucking know. See, you got, you have the questions, but you don't have the demographics behind the

Kari 23:35

questions. Correct. It's Google who fucking 8-year-old. No, and I'm just stoking, but like, I don't know, like

Casey 23:40

8-year-old kid there. Like, Hey, can I fuck this girl while she's

Kari 23:43

pregnant? But seriously, uh, yeah, and please answer us, Dr. Casey.

Casey 23:48

Of course, you can have sex while you're pregnant. The question is. Is it comfortable to have sex while you're pregnant? It takes a lot of different things on to play. From the pregnant person's perspective are, how, like how inflamed is your vaginal canal? How comfortable are you? And do you feel sexy? Do you feel aroused? Do you want sex? If the answer to those things are like, I'm great. It's good to go. Then yes, seek out sex.

Kari 24:15

So Casey, you've had sex with a pregnant woman. At any point of it, did it make you feel uncomfortable and understand that like us having sex when pregnant was 10 years ago and we are in a very different place now and where we are mentally and everything. But was there any point of that 10 years ago that made you feel uncomfortable having sex with me when I was pregnant

Casey 24:34

personally? No. Okay. But that was also because. I was, you know, college doctor at work. I was working on my doctor at the time. I already, I

Kari 24:43

don't feel like our sex life changed that much. Maybe like, well, that's why I say you're in months, but

Casey 24:51

that's why I say the perspective of each. So as I've been saying, but the perspective of the vulva owner, if you're good to go and you're comfortable and, uh, your partner has helped you, you know, to feel sexy and move into a state of arousal, then absolutely go ahead. You're not going to damage. Anything from the perspective of the penis owner, because I, you know, obviously penis owner here. If I'm looking at that and I have been gone off of what has been told to me by things like media and all that, then I'd have, I'd be curious, am I going to, am I going to hurt you? Yeah. Am I going to like, what was it? The fucking knocked up with Seth Rogen, the baby. Where it was just that it's like, I'm afraid I'm going to poke the baby in the head. You're not. The universe is far enough away behind the cervix. It hasn't dropped yet. Your dick ain't

Kari 25:36

that big, sweetie.

Casey 25:37

Right. What does that say about guys? Sir, your penis is not that big. You'll be okay. So yes, it's completely okay to have sex when pregnant, as long as there's consent and want and

Kari 25:50

arousal involved. On all ends. Yeah. Okay. Why do I bleed after sex?

Casey 25:56

Why does a person bleed after sex? I feel like that's

Kari 25:59

a, that's a

Casey 26:00

big answer. I mean, there's a number of reasons there. One, are you menstruating at the time? Were

Kari 26:05

you close to menstruating? Or were you almost after? Did you think that you were done, and then all of a sudden you had sex, and then blood happened? What

Casey 26:12

causes a person to bleed in the first place? It's abrasion to the Cellular tissue there. So if you understand the fact that the so bleeding after sex is coming from the perspective of a. Volvo owner or a

Kari 26:25

penis owner. I'd love to Google. Didn't tell me that, sweetie. So I don't know.

Casey 26:30

So from looking at a Volvo owner, you're dealing with a lot of tissue. So that tissue on the inside of the vagina. Is the same type of tissue on the inside of the mouth, right? So we have, and I'm not going to go into the technical terms of, I can scream, it's non characterized, all that kind of stuff. I didn't mean to make you sound smart. But what we're essentially saying there is it's a different type of tissue. It's still skin tissue, but it's a different type that you'd find, you know, on your hands. It's very soft. It's a lot softer. It can be broken down easier. So if you're bleeding after sex, there can be A hundred fucking different reasons why. So would you

Kari 27:06

say like it would be more alarm if you're bleeding and have pain? Yeah. So, right. Anytime like that. Bleeding is just normal. But if you're bleeding in pain. Yeah. If

Casey 27:16

you're having a painful sex and you're noticing bleeding, then yeah, go get it checked out. Yeah. But if there's no pain and you have sex and then, you know, some blood afterwards, uh, look at the color of it. Is it bright red or is it dark red? Yeah. That's going to tell us. More information about the source of the bleeding as to elaborate. And so more surface bleeding is going to be more bright, red, fresh more dark blood is going to be more internal. So it's going to be further away from the source of the actual laceration. Okay. So you always want to, it's always a concern to say. Should I go and seek medical assistance? However, if you're not having pain and you know, it's like a little bit of spotting after sex, it's probably not a big worry. Just make sure it's not every single time it happens once. We don't worry about it happens 6 times and then it can become a concern.

Kari 28:12

Okay. Ready for the next one? Of course. This is so interesting that this is a Google question. How should you go on before having sex?

Casey 28:21

All of them or none of them. Right. It's fucking Schrodinger's boner.

Kari 28:26

What? All I heard was boner.

Casey 28:31

So is shorting your cat exists in a superposition. It's both dead and alive at the same time. Anyway, what I'm trying to say there is that the number of dates that you should go on before you engage in sexual activity person is a very personal question. And should not be held to some standard presented to you by an outside source. So I put

Kari 28:52

in parentheses, uh, the three C's. And if

Casey 28:58

you're going out on a date with somebody, you're like, listen, I'm going out with you right now. I'm horny, but I would like to have sex with you and you seem like a great partner to have sex with

Kari 29:06

and you communicated it. There's comfortability and consent

Casey 29:10

and y'all both sit back and go, yeah, you know what? I'm just looking for sex too. We're just looking for a hookup. So that could be day one. So then go for it in day one. If you're someone that's like, listen I enjoy sex, but I'm also finding myself as a demisexual. I don't have built a sexual connection with a person unless I get to know them pretty deeply. So I would like to take you out, build a connection with you and see if it leads to a sexual connection. The whole thing is that if you're consistently told that you're not allowed to have sex with someone beyond or before a certain amount of dates, then you need to reevaluate where you're getting your information from. Sex occurs on your own comfortable level. And for all of this, I would recommend reading ethical slut. Which is a great book. That's a great book. For you to kind of dive into that too. Women all over vulva owners all over the world are given this notion that if you don't initiate sex enough, you're approved. And if you do it too much, then you're a slut. I think that. Welcome to our upbringing. I think that all of them, the owners should reclaim the word slut as you've been trying to do for, I've been

Kari 30:18

trying to do

Casey 30:18

that for a while. Oh, I think there's some, it should be claimed. We live in a world where men are like, yeah, sexual conquest equals fucking power. And if you are, as a woman have sex with more than a certain amount of people or too often or whatever it is, then you're. Less than somehow it's a fucked up world that we live in terms of sex. So we're trying to, we're trying to fix that. But in, in terms of when's a good time to have sex, as soon as you're ready, I can only give a fuck if it's your first date, if it's your second, third, 10th date, as soon as you are ready. And I think

Kari 30:48

that's why I wrote the three C's. If you have communicated it, if you have consent between both parties and you're fucking comfortable, then there doesn't have to be a number surrounding that. Yeah. It's just communicate it. Yes. Okay. So I'm going to give you the next two. And that's only because I want you to be able to have time to search the first one before I give you the second one. Oh, fuck. Because the first, this one is just, it's not something you're going to know off the top of your fucking head, right? So I'm going to give you that first one. How many calories do you burn during sex?

Casey 31:19

That's a dumb question.

Kari 31:21

I think a lot of people want to know, you know, like before

Casey 31:26

I even like Google this, I'm going to give you my opinion on this. Hey, listen, if you go in the treadmill, you're on a fucking treadmill and you set it to three miles an hour for 20 minutes. Versus if you go on a treadmill and set it to 10 miles an hour for the same amount of time, you're going to burn different calories. You're it's different every time. If you're sitting there doing no work, like it's, do you not understand how calories are burned? This is a fucking physiology question. This is an exercise. That's why you're a doctor. Let's hear it. If you sit back and you go out and you do a fucking high intensity interval workout, you're going to burn a bunch of calories. If you go into a bedroom and. I'll drive the shit out of someone for an hour versus if you sit down with them and have like very gentle and slow moving sex, it's all dependent upon your own physiology. It depends on how high does your heart rate get? What is it like there? I mean, I mean, go past that. It goes it the variables about your own body. Are going to determine the average amount of calories that you burn because it's essentially a workout. Okay.

Kari 32:31

No, then i'm not even gonna i'm just gonna go to the next question because you actually answered that before even having to google It and I didn't expect that How long after a miscarriage can you have sex I don't know.

Casey 32:44

I have never had a

Kari 32:45

miscarriage. That is true. So what I have heard from a lot of people that have had miscarriages it was, it's the six week mark. Okay. Like the same as after having a baby is the same as after having a miscarriage. How? Or as soon as you are comfortable. Doing it.

Casey 33:02

So surgical procedure post op.

Kari 33:08

Correct. Exactly. Think of it. Just purely

Casey 33:11

how long should I engage in activity afterwards? Logical mind says any injury that a person goes through is typically 6 to 8 weeks. Yeah. You break a bone 6 to 8 weeks. You go through surgery 6 to 8 weeks. It's a lot of it. The standard tends to be 6 to 8 weeks before you do that. Now,

Kari 33:35

is that just like natural healing for the body?

Casey 33:37

Yeah. How long does it take for a person to develop scar tissue? How long does it take you? And then, of course, we look at that's that would be that goes a little intense because now it's like, all right, well, by. Which intention to the person have this trauma induced? How good was the surgeon that yeah,

Kari 33:54

how

Casey 33:56

well of a incision did they make? How well did it heal? So there's no big definitive answer. It should be, where's your comfort level at what is your pain

Kari 34:07

level? Yes. Let's say also, is it uncomfortable when you try maybe stop, maybe give it another week, you know, like your body's going to tell you, listen to your body. There is no one answer for anyone in my opinion. Like I think that after we had. Evelyn, we were having sex in like four weeks and I wasn't uncomfortable, but I didn't have any issues. I had a vaginal birth. Everything was fine. There was no C section. It was great. And we were literally fucking like four weeks after the more

Casey 34:34

important commentary there is to have the partner who is trying to initiate sex, to say that like you had a miscarriage and I was trying to initiate sex with you. The important things that I would want to look at is how is your emotional state because you just suffered a miscarriage. And that's not, there's a, that can cause trauma that can cause a lot of things. So I need to have a check in with you a couple of times to see where your mental state is

Kari 34:59

at. Now, is that something that you would recommend? Say my intentions were to have sex in the next few days to bring that up in another time separate from intimate moment to be like it, we are sitting down for lunch. Hey, how are you feeling? How would you feel about intimacy? Oh, I would want to gain. Is that something that you would

Casey 35:15

like? Before we, like, before we, you initiate

Kari 35:18

recommending it in the

Casey 35:19

moment. I don't think that anyone should just snap that subject onto a person, but I think it should be, Hey, I would love to have, I want to have a conversation about. What you've just been through when is, are you up for doing that today? Is that something you want to talk about this evening? Do we need to schedule a time a couple of days from now? So let's gain consent on both parties to be comfortable to talk about it before we do. Then once we have initiated the conversation, where's your mind? All of that talk about how do you feel about being sexually active? And if it's green lights all across the board, go for it.

Kari 35:53

Okay, cool. I like that. Sorry. What is anal sex? What is it? What is it? So that is

Casey 36:02

the question. So no. Okay. Interestingly enough, I bet a lot of people right now. Are thinking anal sex it's penis in an asshole.

Kari 36:12

Can we name this episode penis in an asshole? Sure. That just got me.

Casey 36:21

First, you have to reevaluate how you define sex. Yes, because the way that most people. Define sex in Western culture is penis into vagina penetration, which excludes a lot of the population that excludes lesbians as an entire population. So we've tried to redefine sex to be all and encompassing to include a lot of acts, a lot of different things. So sex in the first place does not necessarily mean penetration. Sex can mean oral sex. Sex can mean digital sex. So that being sex with the fingers. Yeah. So anal sex. Could be rimming anal sex could be playing with the outside of the anus and it can include penetration. So there's a whole spectrum in which we can use that. To answer that question, what is anal sex? It's really any sort of sexual engagement with the anus. Okay. Not just penetration. Not just penetration. Yes. Yeah. Okay.

Kari 37:24

Why do I have no sex drive? And then quotations, it did put female.

Casey 37:32

Why as a female, do I not have a sex drive? Oh, that's a hard one. So that, that one, I, Oh, I'm going to, I would recommend anyone saying I don't have a sex drive period to go. And seek some sort of therapy for that, not on a level of you're broken, but more on a level of like, I want to explore this question. The deeper questions on that is, do you feel arousal? Are you partner? Are you not partnered? Do you know the emotional state that you've been in? To ask that question. Are you in a getting into a state of arousal or do you find yourself in a state of fear? Do you find yourself in a state of stress of anger of what are the current emotional landscape for you look like? I mean, God, on top of that, there's just, do you have solo time? Do you have a sexual arousal of Where are you satisfied that by yourself? What is your narrative around sex? Do you, are you someone that thinks that sex is a good thing? Or are you someone that has been traditionally shamed around sex? Are you somebody that maybe went from a style of, I used to have sex all the time and now I never do, and I don't have a drive for it. Yeah. What does that look like for you? So my biggest suggestion there. Sex therapy. No,

Kari 38:47

I agree. And as someone like, I remember thinking that to myself, like growing up, like I didn't have a lot of just natural sexual drive if I was around someone or if I was being in a situation that could like peak that, but just like naturally by myself in a day to day. I'm not a horny person like that and I never have been. And so I do remember thinking that when I was much younger and I didn't really understand sex and I just thought that I was like. Why is it so low? Why I hear all these like teenagers that are like sex crazy and hungry and I and then I never

Casey 39:26

had Oh as a teenager, I was like don't compare yourself to teenagers

Kari 39:32

But when I was a teenager and it was so like and I was with like girlfriends and they would talk about and they talk About like masturbation and how much they needed it You guys never

Casey 39:41

talked about that. I would

Kari 39:42

love girls are very open. Like the first time I ever understood that the way that I masturbated was normal was the first time I sat down with a group of girls and we talked about it, I thought the way that I masturbated was wrong. It was inaccurate. It was not how sex should be, or sex to myself should be. And, but even then and now like solo, just chilling, I don't naturally just get horny. I really

Casey 40:08

don't. So you fall in line with the majority of women. Yeah.

Kari 40:12

I feel it. And, but that's what I want to bring. It's okay. Yeah.

Casey 40:16

Cause we have to look at we have to look at spontaneous arousal versus reactive arousal for most reactive. Yeah. And the same way that most women orgasm clitoral stimulation versus, versus vaginal stimulation in terms of arousal. Most women fall into the category of a reactive arousal. You're not going to have a spontaneous moment where you're just like, holy shit. I'm like, there is something that you react to, whether it be pleasure from another partner conversation, you know, there's a, there's this big common conception where it's like, well, whenever I was younger, I had spontaneous arousal all the time, or I was dating. Before I was married, I had spontaneous arousal all the time. Well, even your spontaneous arousal then was planned. You're starting to date somebody new and you go through the ritual, right? You shave your body hair, you prepare yourself, you pull out the sexy dress and the black paintings or whatever the fuck it is that you're wearing. And you're talking to yourself about how sexy this person is. You don't know anything about them. So you start to put characteristics into their personality without really knowing first, and you do all these things to get yourself ready. And Hey, you're aroused. That's not spontaneous. That is reactive to your own thoughts about what could potentially happen. So for the most part, women are. Reactive to arousal. Yeah.

Kari 41:44

So the next two questions, and I know I said this earlier, but I'm actually gonna allow you to Google this while I answer the next one. The question is how do Phish have sex? I don't know why I don't have to Google that. Well, you allowed, but really you don't have to Google, have Phish, have sex. Yeah. You just know that. Why would you have to Google that? I don't fucking know how fish have sex.

Casey 42:07

Have you? How would you trouble that? I'm pretty sure you had sushi with caviar

Kari 42:15

in it. I promise you I order without caviar.

Casey 42:18

Uhhuh. I'm sure you do. Okay easily enough for the most part. Fish, lay eggs, Uhhuh

Kari 42:24

And then the

Casey 42:25

other fish go, yeah, other fish go on and they actually fertilize the eggs. So they drop their genetic material onto the eggs. So they don't even get the

Kari 42:33

enjoyment of

Casey 42:34

connecting. See, so you're now defining sex as penetrative sex. I

Kari 42:38

said, connecting the joy of connecting. I didn't say penetration,

Casey 42:42

sir. No, you got me there. You asked, yes, you had me there. I'll concede that point really fucking quick. I assume that your mind went to her. Wait a minute. No sex is. Enjoyable

Kari 42:54

pleasure. Yeah. I just meant connecting like,

Casey 42:58

No, uh, fish do not have penitence. No fish. Oh, I'm not a fucking, I don't even know what the name is. You're not a zoologist. Uh, is that what it's called? What's the term for someone that studies fish? Carrie, I don't know if that's your Googled question.

Kari 43:15

All right. The next one I get to answer. Cause fuck you. Do nipple

Casey 43:18

piercings. Oh, no, this is totally pertains to you. Exactly. I've never had my nipples

Kari 43:23

pierced. You just sit down. Do nipple piercings hurt? Yes. And do that enhance feeling. Okay. So I'm going to dive into this a little aggressively. Yes, they fucking

Casey 43:36

hurt. They hurt when you get, when you got them like the actual process. Yeah. Like whatever they said, ready and

Kari 43:42

pierced. Yes. It fucking hurts. Now I've had my nipples pierced twice. You have the first time unbearable. It was so bad. They burned. It hurts. I remember going home and being like. What drugs can I take to get this pain to go away? Unbearable. They hurt. It was not an enjoyable experience. And I actually lost sensation in my nipple for a while.

Casey 44:11

I know. I pinched it. I'd set it on fire. I wouldn't fucking

Kari 44:14

know. He just be grabbing it. I just be like

Casey 44:17

hooked up so I can jump the tables to that shit.

Kari 44:22

I hate you. So anyways so I took those out. And a sign of nipple rings not healing well is they don't heal. I know that sounds silly, but you need to hear it if you have your nipples pierced and it's 4 weeks later and it is crusty, it's bleeding, it hurts, they're not done properly. There is a proper way. To have any piercing doesn't fucking matter where it is on your body. There's a proper way to have it done. And unfortunately for us as the consumers of wanting piercings, we don't fucking know who's going to give the best nipple piercing. We don't know. But all I can tell you is the side effects afterward is if you're experiencing discomfort four weeks later, take them out. Let them heal and then go back. So that's what I did. I have always had a lower sensation to nipples that as like nipple play was never a thing for me. I didn't really give a shit. I had no sensation around it until I got them pierced properly. Yeah. That second time. Yes. So the first time sucked, it was a dud took him out, let him heal. What? Six weeks, right? That's what the body needs to heal. And I. And again, this wasn't like expert advice, I just happened to go to someone else and they did it right. And I did. I know that they're going to do it right. No, I just, I wanted my nipples pierced. And you know why I wanted my nipples pierced? Because my nipples never get fucking hard. My nipples are flaccid. They don't get hard. They've never gotten hard. I remember for breastfeeding, that was one of the things that they told me that I was going to struggle with. And the very first time when I had my son and I was trying to breastfeed and this like nurse came in and she said, she goes, you have what we call flat nipples and true. Actually, you're right. She did say inverted. And what it basically means is that there is a like muscle tissue on the out, the inside of the nipple that allows it to get hard and become hard enough for attachment. Like for the baby to the nurse, I didn't fucking have that. And she literally told me, she was like, this would be like a baby trying to nurse on a bottle. That's 15 years old. And I'm 19 when this lady is telling me this and I'm like. What do you mean my nipples are old like I didn't understand the concept but it made sense because I was like I had never had sexual stimulation or play to nipples For me until I had them properly done now I've had my nipple rings in for what like Five years, a lot of years for like, yeah, and I've never changed them out. These are literally, I'm happy. Like I don't need anything I've

Casey 47:03

talked about in the past. I've been like, I'm going to buy you these like different hanging ones. And we're going to buy these and that. And you have been like, yeah, you could do that. But I can also read on you that you're like, I don't think that I should change

Kari 47:14

these out. I'm so happy. It's not broken. I don't want to

Casey 47:17

fix it. Do you feel like a part of that is you're worried that if you do change them out, then you'll lose the, what you've gained?

Kari 47:24

Oh, absolutely. Because after I got them done and they healed, now nipple play is I fucking love it. It still has to be gentle, right? If you have nipple rings in, any person, yeah, to any person playing with someone that has nipple rings in behind the ring. Don't try to go on top of it when it comes to more like force play i've had to be a little bit more careful for like nipple rings or nipple clamps I'm, sorry if I do nipple clamps my nipple clamps I have to pull the ring so far out and the clamp has to go behind the ring but in my entire life, this was the first time After healing that my nipples actually had sensation. And now I really enjoy nipple play. Now, I understand that it's still a delicate version of nipple play. It can't be aggressive. If Casey was just to go in and fucking bite my nipple, I'm probably gonna smack him in the face. But light little like stimulation, this was the first time I ever had it. And I've heard a lot of women say that they never really had any sensation in their nipples until they got them pierced. But then I've also heard the apps, like the side of it, the other thing

Casey 48:34

about like clitoral piercings are like somewhat separate. Some people it enhances for some, it deadens.

Kari 48:40

I mean, my clitoral piercing hasn't enhanced or taken away. I just like piercing. Yeah. I have a, my hood's pierced, but I just like the way that it looks like having like a jewel down there. Like it's cute. Oh, both of us love the way it looks, but it has never taken away. And it has never enhanced.

Casey 48:59

So it's individualistic. And that's due to the fact that there's not a system that's clear enough on how to do it because everyone's

Kari 49:06

different. Yeah, exactly. So to, to answer that in the best way that I can I've had a great experience, but that's just me. Yeah. All right. You're ready for, we only have like. Two

Casey 49:18

questions? Sure. And we're

Kari 49:22

doing great on time. Ooh, this is so a you question. What does non binary mean sexually and then in a relationship? I don't, I

Casey 49:35

actually, and then in a relationship that

Kari 49:38

I think there's, they're asking two different questions. What is binary non binary just generally? And then what does non binary mean in a relationship? They're asking two questions here.

Casey 49:48

So it's,

Kari 49:49

it's, but I don't know, again, this is just fucking Google. These are people that don't fully.

Casey 49:54

So then let's like, let's discuss what non binary means in the first

Kari 49:58

place, the simplistic

Casey 50:00

term. And I want to try to do this in a way that every, anybody that's listening can have some sort of understanding that to be binary is to be black and white. It's zero and one it's this or that it is not a spectrum. It is one or the other to remove yourself from the binary is to achieve the understanding things fall on a spectrum. There is an, and we said this in our last episode, there's an infinite amount of numbers between zero and one there really are. You can go on it. It's paradoxical. It is infinite. And the same thing can be applied to a person's sexuality. Same thing can be applied. Whenever a person says that I am non binary. It means that they do not fall within the confines of the gender binary. I am not either male or female. I am not this or that. I exist beyond that. I exist In this moment of where I am, I make sense of, but I exist in this moment of the way that I'm feeling where am I currently do I feel my energy shifting more towards a masculine energy? Do I feel myself? Towards a more feminine energy, I can move freely between them depending on my state of mind at the time. Yeah. So in that sense, that's the way that I make sense of somebody being non binary great definition. So if someone comes to me and tells me that, you know, I am non binary, it means that they don't fall within the understanding that we have of this versus that he versus she it's outside of it.

Kari 51:52

So then I guess I'm also confused as what they. What the question is what does that mean in a relationship? I'm not confide to the norm of a relationship. I just feel like that whole question is

Casey 52:04

That one's interesting because we can make assumptions. I know

Kari 52:08

we don't know what they mean by that.

Casey 52:09

Do you have a binary relationship? but

Kari 52:12

my but for that to be like the one of the top questions like I think that just means that people are confused by what it means to be non binary.

Casey 52:21

Yeah, that would make more sense because if you look at somebody being non binary, then a lot of other people that do fall within the binary that fall within the heteronormative space where they're like, wait, what do you mean that you are a, Non binary person in a relationship with a feminine person or a relationship with a masculine person or a relationship with whatever it is. This is why we try to implement GSR so much that we do being that gender sexuality and a relationship diversity. Like, why do you, that's why we implement it because it gives you more of a clear vision about a person, how and how they identify with themselves. What's most important in all that is to. Understand that we have a, an entire community of people who work very hard to become accepted for being able to identify with themselves how they see fit and in the moment. And that's entirely okay to do too. You don't have to be, well, I am a man seeking a woman or I am a woman seeking a man. It can be, I am a person seeking a person. I am a person seeking a person that Falls into a feminine or masculine category or falls somewhere in between. I am a person seeking a person for sexual companionship or platonic companionship or an aesthetic companionship or anything in between. So again, it's falling out of the zeros and ones it's an on one level, leaving the fucking matrix.

Kari 53:55

I love that. The last question is so funny to me and all I'm going to end or I'm going to read the question and then I'm going to answer

Casey 54:04

it. Okay.

Kari 54:08

What is asexuality mean? Listen to our last episode with the amazing Lee and lay. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to say Lee. I meant to say lay. I'm so sorry. Listen to the very end. Most recent episode that we have all on asexuality, but for the fact that was one of the number one questions is actually exciting for me, right? People are curious because that means people are curious enough to know what it means. So if you have questions on what asexuality means, please listen to our last episode with Lay. She is absolutely amazing and the way that she like breaks down. It is easy. I could, we could have her daughter listen to the episode and she would understand it. That's one of the biggest admirations that I have towards her is the way that who she is as a person, but the way that she can explain. These like intense terms and bring it down into like reality in a way that anyone can understand it. Yeah, there's

Casey 55:08

a, there's a whole population of people out there that are the they're the mediators. They are the middleman between. They have the understanding complex ideals and break them down in a way that is understandable to a general population. It's one of the things that I've strived to be able to do. Her

Kari 55:28

analogies just fucking kill me.

Casey 55:30

They're so good. They're the best. So if you are curious about asexuality we titled the episode, welcome back lay that is lay David Elliott Cray, PhD. She has done amazing work in terms of philosophy, in terms of asexuality. She works with the sexual health alliance. She works with a number of organizations and she's also a return to being a professor in New Mexico. So check her stuff out. And check out our last episode, if you're curious about asexuality, because she gives a very good breakdown of the sexuality spectrum.

Kari 56:03

I have the biggest mental crush on her. It's so unreal. So unreal. And not just because I've been spanked by her. But anyway, first impact

Casey 56:11

play ever, which we also talk about in that episode.

Kari 56:15

We do. So again on another episode. Come with Casey, I, you, we, I'm your host, go host Gary Sanders and I'm Dr.

Casey 56:28

Casey Sanders.