Ever been on a date and the person is nothing like their online persona?
We have all been there and this episode navigates the intricacies of our digital selves versus our real-life selves. We also delve into how to spot and deal with a problematic online persona.
Sometimes, it becomes necessary to don a facade that isn't entirely true to us and there are some advantages and we explore where the potential pitfalls that arise when your online persona is a far cry from your real life.
Enjoy!
H & B x
Ever been on a date and the person is nothing like their online persona?
We have all been there and this episode navigates the intricacies of our digital selves versus our real-life selves. We also delve into how to spot and deal with a problematic online persona.
Sometimes, it becomes necessary to don a facade that isn't entirely true to us and there are some advantages and we explore where the potential pitfalls that arise when your online persona is a far cry from your real life.
Enjoy!
H & B x
Are you recording? Yes, oh Are you ready, are you?
Speaker 2:I've been ready for about five minutes.
Speaker 1:Well, I have someone to text.
Speaker 2:Lucky them. Hello and welcome to the PolyPocket Podcast, the UK flagship podcast of PolyAmorcom. I'm Gary. Cam Sex Parties and Getting your Nails Done so they Match your Knickers. That's right, we've gone fancy.
Speaker 1:Not French fancy though.
Speaker 2:No, just what colour is that? I don't know. This makes the conversation hot orange, hot orange. There's a joke in there. Somewhere this week we're rambling about online versus real life personalities and whether they really is a difference. There is, but we'll talk more about it later. But first, dear listeners, we have this week's topical application of Polyfila. Yes, yes, we do. Yes, I think you should start.
Speaker 1:No, I'd like you to start?
Speaker 2:Fine, I'll start. I had a date with Lady V. I went to go and see her earlier on this week. No cake was involved. That's first, isn't it? It's not a first, but I think statistically it is now becoming. I think non-cake is becoming slightly more significant than cake, but not by much. It's like 40% cake, 60% non-cake.
Speaker 1:Has she finished the cake you made her?
Speaker 2:Yes, apparently her father loved her. Yes, I know, I don't think the origin of the cake was clarified and yes, it was brief but it was lovely great to catch up. There were some logistical challenges. I won't go into because I know. You know and she knows, she lives with the logistical challenge.
Speaker 1:Do we have two of those as?
Speaker 2:well, yes, that was the challenging question. So, yeah, it was brief, but we both really enjoyed our time together and, as always, I think it's always better that you leave wanting more than leave thinking that God died saver. So that's, I don't think you're quite be like that I don't think everyone will be like that, but you're really wanting it like the time to be longer. But even with that, even the short amount of time we had, because it was about five hours.
Speaker 1:It was always going to be quite short, though, wasn't it? Just because Tuesdays are a bit. Logistically challenging in our household with various kids clubs and all that jazz.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and the fact that she's not actually Well, I don't live close to her, or vice versa. I'm a little bit better for this one, but yeah, no, it was really nice. We were making some plans for the future which we'll cover in the future. A bit of a little enticement there.
Speaker 1:Well, we're going for dinner with Hesley, aren't we? And then I don't know what date. You've gotten the diary from that point on.
Speaker 2:Actually we haven't got anything. We're trying to work out what that's going to be, but there is a venue near to her, of course, yes, which I want to get a date nailed down with that. Cool.
Speaker 1:But yes that's me, that's you.
Speaker 2:Over to you.
Speaker 1:I had a date this time last week. In fact, my date had this time last week just been popped back onto a train. Hmm. Yeah, she was delightful.
Speaker 2:Which is how you're sometimes described by your aunt, not your mother. Fine, so she's delightful.
Speaker 1:She is, so I don't really know how much. There is quite a bit of background to this, so I think I'll give a bit of a brief summary, which was Please do. I was only connected because I was in her area with work. So I connected with her and her husband and, for whatever reason, couldn't get a drink together, even though we were planning to go. And I'm very much a believer in these. Things happen for a reason and if you're destined to meet and cross paths, then you will. And both her and I, and you and him actually but all ended up on the same chat group on the Wax app and her and I were very much openly flirting with one another. We pulled it into a four-way chat group with you and her husband and then her and I swapped numbers. So it's kind of just been whittled down and down and down and down.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Me and her husband have been just left by the side going you're going to have fun. No, not at all, because we've kept the chat going to some degree in the four-way group as well, I imagine the volume of chat between you and her is great than all of the other instances of conversations that you've taken.
Speaker 1:Because when you're dating a woman as a woman, especially two women who, for all intents and purposes, have very similar lives. We're both working mothers and we both we're interested in life we're very interested in. Is she a hyper-aggressive football player? No, she's not. I don't think it would work if she was no no, I don't think it would.
Speaker 2:I'm very glad.
Speaker 1:I think she is, I'm not quite sure, but you know, when you're a bit yin-yang, she's very calm, very yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. She's very grounded, very I wouldn't quite say I don't know, maybe spiritual, but very much sort of that way inclined, I'd say. I'm not sure if spiritual is the right word, but it's kind of just giving you an indication of how sort of polar opposite to me.
Speaker 2:Well, not just you. You're kind of describing anti-me in many ways Exactly. This is what it really is. It's not anti-me, it's anti-me right down to gender.
Speaker 1:Yes, in a way that is true, but you know, I meant to bring in the little present that she got me, that she got me three crystals and it was to represent three different things that I was going through in my life at the moment. First of all, they were basically my colour, mm-hmm, and she had no idea how basically everything in my life is turquoisey, greeny colours, but those were the colours of the crystals, and one was very much about the ego sense. Check, oh yeah.
Speaker 1:So I think yeah she's just, she's such a good listener and really takes on board what others are saying, and that's really part of her strength in life and, for whatever reason, her and I click. So we met at an art gallery, although then we instantly went for a drink, and then we jumped in an Uber and we went for dinner and she said to me whilst we were having dinner do you think that people realize that?
Speaker 1:we're on a date and I said well, it's really difficult because a lot of people if they were looking at you and I wouldn't think that's two women who potentially want to have sex with one another or who fancy one another. I said, unless you start doing sort of the displays a public affection, no one, I think, would really bat an eyelid unless they're very sensitive to the energy between people. So I said so, unless we start sort of touching one another and kissing one another, then I'm not really sure. I always looked at one another and I said do you want me to kiss you?
Speaker 2:Which, by the way, that's an interesting way of wording it. It's not. Do you want to kiss me? Is you want me to kiss you? Yeah. It's very much a permissive action. Not you can take action, don't I mean it's can I do. I have your permission. Not do you want to take action, I mean it's interesting the way that it gets phrased.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely, and we decided against it at that point because obviously we have got the wider thought process of you and her husband in the mix of all this. So it was very much a case of we need to understand where the boundaries lie and where this sort of all falls into place and you know, we just sort of held out and there was physical touch basically very doing that sort of I don't know, touchy feeling stuff, touchy feeling stuff.
Speaker 1:And then, yeah, it was just lovely. I took her back to the train station. We sat next to one another on the tube platform and we just sort of held hands and it was lovely. And she just put her head on my shoulder and I was like, oh, it smells really good. Isn't she taller than you? She's a lot taller than me. Did she get her head onto your shoulder. She's like lying down. Bless her. I think she had to slump quite far down in the chair.
Speaker 2:I would explain it.
Speaker 1:Yes, and then I dropped her back to the station and we did have a kiss, which was lovely.
Speaker 1:And it's like it's the thing. This is the fun thing about dating women is that they do both enjoy the romantic side. So she kept looking over her shoulder on the platform to check that. I was still watching to check that she got on the train, okay, and I was like, yeah, I had to be the same as her. It really was, and yeah, so we're hoping to meet up again. We have a date and, yeah, I'm looking forward to it. Awesome. Hmm.
Speaker 2:Well, that sounds like a lot of fun. Thank you for that. Were you impressed with how quickly I came back into podcast mode? Yes, I was Because, okay, this is an interesting thing. Before we get into the segment, I'm going to talk about the segment in broader terms, which is I was listening to another podcast which I've referred to. It doesn't really matter, but the presenters are saying that they play characters Because one of them presents two different podcasts with two different purposes and he says he plays different characters in each one.
Speaker 2:And just then you saw me go into podcast character mode, which is there's me and the difference between me and podcast me is very slight, but I am definitely more chipper at upbeat and try and listen more carefully than I do in day-to-day life.
Speaker 1:I'm quite glad you called that particular bit out there, because the way that you were going with that I almost felt like it could come across as a bit disingenuous. Like this is my podcast character. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, sure.
Speaker 2:Like people who know me, which again is kind of the point of this is the difference between podcast me and real me is very slight but I'm aware there is a difference.
Speaker 2:I am trying to fulfill a particular objective on the podcast around normalizing polyamory and supporting and educating for people who don't necessarily know stuff, and that's a bit presumptuous of me, but hey, better than me just assuming everyone knows or saying this is the right way of doing it and I'm right and everyone else is wrong. Tempting as that might be, I have learned not to do that one. So yeah, it's just a very specific part of me that I projectually say but it's still me.
Speaker 2:The reason I bring all that up, though, is this week's topic of choice or default was what's the difference between someone's online presence and how they are in real life? Because we've had it happen a bunch of times now. I think we've got a little catalog of experience there. And then anyone who's used a dating app of any sort I think you must have come across this.
Speaker 2:You meet people sorry, you meet people online which is clear of the context and they are coming across in one way. And then you meet them in real life and the experience is very different, like almost like the two different people, not necessarily full on Jekyll and Hyde, but definitely disconnected, and I just wanted to talk about that and go like A how often does it happen? How much of a problem is it? Is there anything you can do to spot it happening before it happens to you, and how do you know you're not doing it?
Speaker 1:And there's something else I'd like to throw in on that Please do Is how other people who have met you in real life may shape the opinions of those that you're speaking to online before you meet them.
Speaker 2:Very good point.
Speaker 1:Okay, so go back through the list I didn't write the list down.
Speaker 2:So how often does it happen? It's probably the first starting point and I can use me as a reference point because and this kind of goes to the whole thing, which is, I think by this point I'm reasonably self aware and probably also deluding myself, but I think many people are. Well, there you go, carry the masses which kind of point. We just help once it happened.
Speaker 2:But I am not the most engaged person in online chat. You know you are far more prolific in the WhatsApp groups that we're on and in the Wax app, which is the primary one that we use for all of our life-starling type stuff, and you just have a I don't know what it is a lower or even higher tolerance for it than I do. I get not bored exactly, but I get either frustrated with the app or don't even quite all to say at that point in time, and then I put it down and I won't go back to it for a couple of days, but which was, of course. The conversation moved on and you just like we'll keep commenting on things in a creative, useful way that I just don't seem to be able to do.
Speaker 1:It's called flirting, but yes, okay.
Speaker 2:Cool thanks. That's probably where we're going to go wrong. Yeah, that explains my low hit rate. So, but meet me in person, though, and I'm probably more like people will hear me, which is far more chatty, far more engaged. Just want to meet people and want to talk to them. I just find something disconnecting about doing the online flirty thing. I just don't think I'm very good at it. So therefore, there is like an unconscious of the difference between the two means. So in an N of one, it's 100%. If it's an N of two of you and me, what's the difference between your online version of you and real you?
Speaker 1:Good question. I didn't think that there was a difference. However, I've just been having quite an in-depth conversation with Easily Brews prior to the party on Saturday and I was saying about some of the things that have kind of happened in the past with meeting people and how it's panned out, and she said well, I can't remember her exact words, but she said you're an incredibly hot podcasting, polyamorous guru or something to those extent. To that extent, and she said I was threatened when I first met you. Now she's one of our closest lifestyle friends if not our closest lifestyle friend in the sense that they are purely friends who we will catch up with six or seven times a year, I'd say, based on the two and a half years that we've known.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and fun will happen, like every other occasion. It's not like every, maybe not that frequently.
Speaker 1:Probably say about 80% actually of the time when you think about it. I think it's only been two or three times that we've seen them out of all that where nothing's happened at all. So I wonder if you can hear that plane going over.
Speaker 2:I can hear it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I wonder if it's picking up on that. Probably is thing to say so the fact that she found me intimidating which she said you know I found you intimidating, and she's only just told me this makes me wonder whether I'm extremely intimidating, and I don't know which point that comes in.
Speaker 2:So I think there is something in this. I think there is a little bit where you have intimate. You are intimidating not in a negative way, just because this is a purely non lifestyle parts of your life, where you carry so much competence with you in almost everything that you do. It's not confidence, because confidence can mask like a lack of confidence, but you just come across as competent.
Speaker 2:You don't need the confidence because, sorry, that's it. Actually it's a Navy. So the Navy seal or an army rangers phrase like don't be confident, be competent, you're the latter, it's great, cause that's what you want. So everyone's goes. This person's got their shit together, damn it. This is what an adult looks like. I wish I was more like them. And I think you get a lot of that Also, it's fair to say, also easily bruised. Has seen the football photograph of you looking angry.
Speaker 1:I mean, she's seen a lot of the football pictures of me looking angry.
Speaker 2:Yes, and so that's also. Yeah, do get the wrong side of butcher.
Speaker 1:Okay, so this goes into a slightly darker place then, because, okay, that's how I come across. There is a very specific reason. Yes, why I come across that way is because I've had to be extremely competent from the age of 17, when my mother walked out on my father and I was left to pick up the pieces of him almost literally at one point.
Speaker 1:And also help look after your little sister, who's 10 years younger, who's 10 years younger and I had to go from being a sibling relationship to a parental relationship because my mom didn't just walk out on him, she walked out on all of us. She left a seven year old daughter with her dad who was completely if you want to have a better term fucked up. So the person in the middle who was 17, that'd be me Became the adult, became the adult and I remember I met my ex husband around the time. So when I first started dating him was at that age and I would be doing the weekly shop and, you know, helping out on quite big chores whilst doing my A levels.
Speaker 1:Now he was seven or eight years older than me and his mom said to me at the time why? Why are you the person doing the weekly shop? I said because I have to be. My dad's a mess. He doesn't know left from right at the moment and she just I mean she had two boys and she very much Molly coddled them. That was her choice and whatever. I'm not here to judge that, but she just couldn't get ahead round her children having to do anything for themselves at that age, let alone support the adult in the situation.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So I think it stems from that. Yeah, so it doesn't mean to come across as intimidating, it's just it's. It's the water I swim in.
Speaker 2:Exactly, yeah, and this kind of goes to the heart of it, which is you. This is everything you've just explained would not be explained adequately in a message in WhatsApp or any kind of app, whatever it is, or even in a voice note like you're talking. That story was two or three minutes and I think a lot of the listeners have got enough background to know enough about you to go and take that. Okay, here's someone online, go meet them in bang. Go. Can't do that straight away. So everyone's online persona is this like really filtered, selective?
Speaker 2:quite frankly, I think, slightly bullshit version of themselves, and that's why I have this disconnect, which is I'm not talking to the real person and unreal version of me is talking to unreal version of them. You don't get to who the person is and arguably for me, whether you like them or not until you meet them in real life, which is kind of why one of this conversation, which is okay. So I think the first question was how often does that happen? And my thesis is going to be it's 100% of the time.
Speaker 2:Okay, yeah which is there is a difference between someone's online and real life persona, if it because in real life there is more detail available there's usually more time, more focus.
Speaker 2:You're not just responding to the words, you get body language like I know the listener can't see your face, but when you were talking just then, your podcast personality if I talk about what I was saying earlier on changed and you were no longer podcast butcher, you were butcher. You know what I mean. You're much more straight faced, somber, somber yes, good word. So does that bit. Then Is it a problem? That's the next question.
Speaker 1:Is it a problem, I think, as long as that filtered version of yourself isn't an unrealistic version of yourself. So I think what it is for me when I'm doing these chats online etc. Is it is version of me putting my best self forwards, and one of my things is I just take the piss out myself a lot of the time. So, for example, you and I oh gosh, we talked about Friday, we haven't talked about Friday. Bloody hell, bloody hell.
Speaker 2:Sorry, okay, sorry, listeners, we're just going to like not edit this and we're just going to have an extra bit of polyfiller.
Speaker 1:So the reason why we've forgotten is because we're out of sync on our days of recording, with several days late on recording this, which means that technically, we would normally record on a Monday night, but I was catching up with someone else recording a podcast for months in advance.
Speaker 2:Demonstrate just how bloody organised you are. Go on.
Speaker 1:Thanks. So then we would normally talk about what we've done over the weekend blah, blah, blah, which would have meant that next week's podcast would have been Lady V. But yeah, everything's got mixed up Anyway we saw, just record.
Speaker 1:It's Thursday today. Very interesting, and we caught up with sounds from Words and Sounds, a couple who we met again quite early on our KK journey and hold that thought of meeting him, because I just want to circle back on the personality thing before we go into the polyfiller. Oh good, lord Right, you and I took some photos on the morning after seeing him of me on a window sill those photos.
Speaker 1:Those photos whilst we were having some pretty good sex and it was just a really good setting. So we thought let's get some photos and I've been posting those to the Filf group, for example, on Every five minutes Not every five minutes, but that's. I've posted a few of them and I've kind of gone. I'm still in the window and I'll be like oh sorry, some of you are probably getting bored of seeing these. So I'm very tongue-in-cheek around myself Now I think I carry quite a bit of that forward with me into real life.
Speaker 1:However, the boring part of me does come along when we meet in real life as well. So when people meet me, they hear about the kids, they hear about the fact that I might not be feeling that sexy. They hear about football, football A lot. Yeah, all of those things. Well, I probably talk about that on the app a lot as well, but anyway, so the boring stuff comes along from the ride because I feel that I am. I'm a realist and I'm not horny and up for it and gagging to have a gang bang or desperate to meet up with people in hotel rooms 100% of the time.
Speaker 2:What percentage is?
Speaker 1:it Depends on the person. Good answer Shall we quickly do the polyfiller?
Speaker 2:Let's quickly do polypher.
Speaker 1:Okay, so words and sounds. So we met up with sounds. Really funny story.
Speaker 2:Go on, just do it.
Speaker 1:So for years Hunter and I have listened to a particular band. Just we put it on when we have people over for dinner. It's just really funky, fun music. We love it. Anyway, sounds happens to be playing trumpet in that band that we've been listening to for years. So for your birthday present, for your late birthday present, I got us tickets to go and see the band and we met him and we met his poly partner who is not words. She is someone else. But, it was lovely to meet her.
Speaker 2:It was lovely to see him play.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And have dinner and drinks and Argued about politics.
Speaker 1:You two argued about politics, and then her and I talked about conflict resolution and polyamorous relationships.
Speaker 2:I like how, almost at polar opposites, this conversation was the lunch on one side of the table, the girls on the other side of the table. I was having a very deep and intense conversation. You two were resolving conflict and he and I were having conflict.
Speaker 1:But then I think you basically almost gave each other a hug at the end because it was great. Like I like having Debates.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I like having that level of conversation where someone is able to have a standpoint Articulated. Articulated debated, critic it also and then do the same to the other person point of view Without it being. You can disagree without having to hate the other person, and you can.
Speaker 1:And you can get on without having to have the same point of view with everything.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like I might think I'm right, but I respect everyone else's almost everyone's ability to think they're right as well. Just because I think I'm right Doesn't mean I am right, just means I think I'm right.
Speaker 1:But it's the fact that he could articulate so clearly his point of view which I think is what you enjoyed, because that's what I think you feel a lot of people miss, and that feeds back into one of your things that you bring forward with you into real life is that you don't like grand, sweeping statements, and when people make a statement, you want them to back it up with thoughtful, like, processed yeah, thought processes.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because he's like devastatingly intelligent, like I like being put on my toes because I'm not saying like so far I always think I'm right, I might have an opinion, I might have thought about it, but I can say I made it maybe as a better idea I've not had yet. And he had loads of them and I go, oh okay, should take notes, but I was pretty drunk by them, but it was really nice to see them. So that was the extra bit of Polyamorous.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but I'd just like to say she was really good to talk to.
Speaker 1:She was great because she has been Polyamorous for X amount of time and her and I had had a lot of the same challenges and pitfalls around Polyamory Just a few years, a couple of years younger than me, so that was also quite nice to see someone a few years younger how they're handling it. But in just her approach to things, I felt very, I don't know, almost seen, I guess, because I was like, ah, I would have said the same thing and I made a comment around a particular point of view and she said, well, I, I. So it was around whether you should have to like your partners partners. And she was like well, you absolutely should have to like your partners partners. And I said, well, yeah, technically I agree, or I would want that. However, for a lot of polyamorous people, that's not how they do it. They accept that they're not necessarily going to like some of their partners partners and she's like well, that's a deal breaker for me, I have to like them. So and it was just one of those moments of, okay, cool, like yeah.
Speaker 2:Choned it. Yeah, let's also think what you were saying at the time is that that's what you had just thought a few years ago, and I think your views changed over time, and maybe her view will change over time as well. Was your thesis, wasn't it?
Speaker 1:I think I still stand by the fact that it makes life a lot, lot, lot easier. Yeah. Which I think. Therefore, you ultimately default to finding and staying with partners who your partner your anchor partner likes. Yeah. So I think naturally it just migrates that way anyway A little bit of that so. So is it a problem?
Speaker 2:Is it a problem? So we get back on main topic now, please yeah.
Speaker 1:So, like I say, I think it's only a problem if you're presenting something that you're absolutely not.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I get it. The new thing is, the question I asked is of the five. This is now question three is is there any way to spot it before you meet someone? You're trying to someone online? Is there any giveaways? I mean, the person I'm going to meet is wildly, like, challengingly different. I just said, like I think everyone does a bit of this. It's whether it becomes problematic.
Speaker 1:I'm trying to think, if there's an example.
Speaker 2:What's going to say? There's a little. There's a caveat in this, which is, if the answer to question what is everybody's online personality is different from their real personality, then it's not a question of whether you can spot it, it's the degree to which it becomes a problem, and I think that's down to personal, a personal preference or a personal choice, or when does it become a problem?
Speaker 1:Like I say, I don't know if people are necessarily different, it's just some people present a completely unrealistic picture of themselves. Yeah. Others, like I was saying earlier, put their best foot forwards and you don't find out the rough edges and all of that until you meet them in person.
Speaker 2:So like a wax birthday ball is about to happen. An example of this would be in the chat group for that event. There's like 500 of the 900 people are now in. This chat group is a bit bonkers, and there's obviously a lot of photographs getting posted, and I comment to you earlier on that it feels like there's a lot of very attractive people going, and then, of course, the cynical part of that is only people who know that they are physically attractive are posting pictures of themselves.
Speaker 1:So is it that oh, that's not really true.
Speaker 2:I don't know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, I don't think that's because it's it's about people who. But I don't agree with that because I just think it's a degree of confidence. Ok, fair enough People it's what you it, who and what you like Fine.
Speaker 2:But OK, let me take a different step at that, then, which is there's 500 people in this group and there is only a minority of people sharing photographs. Not that you required to. What's the difference between those who do and those who don't? And it's going by. What you're saying is those who are presenting the best version of themselves. That's not a problem, it's not a lie, but it's selective. That's what online personalities are like. No one's got like you said the day about the boring stuff that comes with you. We both know I've got some awful photographs of you. Yes, you do Clean the house covered in mud. Yes, pulling faces when we have kids younger being covered in sec, you know, just like all sorts of like oh God, do you remember that one?
Speaker 2:I do.
Speaker 1:We've been really pale. Jeans I had and the older one crotch shot at me with formic.
Speaker 2:Yes, I do. Yeah, so you know, post those pictures, do you so? So, therefore, there is this like conceit that all the online stuff is filtered because you want to present this like look at me, I am like perfect, not covered in form. Maybe there's a niche group you can go to. Oh stop.
Speaker 2:What? And so? So what I mean is that everyone is not lying, but filtering. Yeah, so everyone's doing it. Does it ever become a problem? And yours? And it goes back to your saying which is any problem if they are out and out like fabricating and lying?
Speaker 1:So or fantasy. It goes back to the fantasy, yeah.
Speaker 2:And I'm using photographs of metaphor for this, but let's say, if someone you this this. By the way, one of these three photographs does not exist. But there is a photograph of you with vomit crotch shots. There's a photograph of you on a windowsill looking amazing. What does not exist, to my knowledge, is a photoshopped of picture of you looking wildly different from how you are. That would be the lie, wouldn't it? And that's that's when it becomes. A problem is if someone is presenting an online version which is not true.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean I. For example, I took a picture of me working out my sports bra and sent it to my football mates, because we had this joke about working out nice sports bras. Anyway, no one really knows the details behind that, but when I sent it to that group, I really want to know the details.
Speaker 1:And one of them was like oh goodness sake, put the phone, let's play. For fuck sake, put that bloody body away. You know you're too gorgeous, or something along those lines. And I was like I'll shut up, as if I didn't take 15 photos of myself before I picked the decent one and sent it to you. And she was like Okay, thanks, I wasn't going to send you a shit one Like I am bloody. What's the word? Nostasis?
Speaker 2:I can't even.
Speaker 1:Yeah, something along the lines of even with you lot, I'm vain enough to make sure I send the decent photo Exactly, and you know that's some of my closest friends.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but then. But again, it's still fake photograph and that's the. I think it's like you got that soft bit of like projecting the best version of yourself, then you go into fakery if you start fiddling with it. And it's the same with you. Know someone wants to impress someone and goes oh yeah, you know I was. I don't know what's the most heroic thing someone could say online I saved all the orphans from the bought from the burning building or something. And then turns out actually they work in a call center.
Speaker 1:Yeah, or if I guess, if you pretend to be into something that you're not into as well, just in order to get the attention of somebody, says a song I can't remember who it's by it's basically like she thinks that you're into the beach or something along those signs, the song lyrics basically saying that you're pretending to be into something that you're not in order to catch another girl. Effectively, and you know, I just be yourself.
Speaker 2:There's two of the use cases that actually more relevant that was not relevant but we know of occurred one of which was someone saying that they're into poly but they've not. They're looking for a monogamous relationship but they think it's going to be easier to like play the numbers game by going through multiple people until they find the one, which I find very interesting approach, with a bunch of people who sit there going like, no, I don't want the one I want the many.
Speaker 2:And then the other one is people who are like want to say they're into BDSM or BDSM aligned things. They're not really, but they're the person that like is, and so they just like go along with it, and we've both seen that happen. That's an interesting one, especially the latter. It's like taking a hiding, but you don't want to take a hiding is a very strange choice to make, which kind of led to the last part, which is how can you tell whether your online versus real personality is problematic, which is covered by saying all that? Really, it's just the inverse of that.
Speaker 1:I guess and I guess you don't know until you meet others and get the validation not in a I need to be validated kind of way, but in the sense of do those people stick around? Do they want to see you again?
Speaker 1:And bearing in mind as I also find that there's a second phase to the online presence as well, which I want to call out, which is you speak online, you meet someone and then you go back to speaking online and I feel like it's almost like the marathon problem in reverse, which you get through that initial stage and then people almost I don't know there's like a change in them, and then there's a bit of micro ghosting.
Speaker 2:Yeah, does that make sense? Do you know what I mean? It's like we've had it a few times where you've chatted and, like I said, I didn't do a lot of the chat, met, them, played, and then the bit afterwards goes quiet or the nature of the relationship changes, and not always in a positive way.
Speaker 1:Now I'm going to call us out on this, I think so a few weeks ago I talked about not particularly handling things very well and I think we might have been somewhat guilty of that. Yeah, so I'm not pointing the finger at people, I'm just saying that it seems to be a thing. So you're not completely ghosting people because you don't actually want you like them as people and you don't want to necessarily lose that connection, but you've got some stuff to work out, but you haven't got the headspace to deal with talking to them whilst you're trying to work that stuff out and you don't really know how to say it.
Speaker 2:It's probably an indicator that there should be a conversation with, isn't it?
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:But it's knowing what the trigger is, and the trigger is that Interesting? Okay, yeah, fair, that makes a lot of sense. And then you had something else you got to pick at, which is how your online personality is, oh, how it is impacted by others who know you in real life already.
Speaker 1:So a bit of like, okay. So take that example that I've just spoken about. So you've gone from having online chats, you've met people and you're gone back to being online because you live in different parts of the country, you've got children, you've got jobs, you've got whatever you can't meet up instantly again, and then that kind of just becomes more and more and more online, or becomes less and less and less online, so to speak. And if there is a problem or something's gone a bit awry or things don't quite feel right, you know people are going off and meeting other people in the meantime and what they might say about you might impact someone's judgment of you. Now I was saying to you before we came on to recording that I think this is a real testament as to whether you actually click with somebody, as to whether they choose to onboard that information or whether they choose to go with the version of you that they see, feel and sense.
Speaker 2:Just to clarify this is after they've actually met you. I think about both. Okay, because I'm going to say I think once someone, whatever someone's opinion of someone's online presence, is, once you meet them, that's the true version. Yeah, always that's the true version. I cannot think of an example where that's not the truth. And so if you like that person, even if you don't like the online version, if you like the real version, that's the one you'll go. Yes, I'd like that, and I don't care what the online version is.
Speaker 1:So this is again. What I'm quite intrigued by with the date that I had last week is that we felt, like online, that we were going to get on in real life. Yeah, there felt like there was very little room for it to not feel right. Good chemistry, yeah, and that chemistry continued. I think it helps that we're both coming to it with very similar lives on many levels. I obviously have got more experience in polyamory and this goes back to that conversation around newbies etc to a relative degree, but it's about how you turn up and how you present yourself. So, for example, she is being a very open book and she's asking me lots of questions and I'm willing to give the answers as well because she's willing to ask. So therefore, you can work on that together. Other people might not turn up with the same energy or want different things out of the situation. So therefore, yeah, you're not going to necessarily connect or click with that person because you're not looking for the same thing, whereas I get the impression her and I are.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:There's another couple we're talking to who have, I'd say, we have really good chemistry with as well. They're both hilarious. We are obviously also hilarious as has been commented on many times, that's us putting forward our fake person. Yeah, very much so Hi.
Speaker 1:This is podcast.
Speaker 2:Hunter. I am very, very funny, but, yeah, it's really bad, as though. I mean, the good thing is that my online personality is a bit rubbish, and people who meet me can confirm that, but yes, I think it's important, though, that you know what I was saying about a few weeks ago, about the difference in trusting your gut, acting on your gut, but before you act on it, get some more data.
Speaker 2:I feel the same way about this, which is someone's online personality is not all of them. You shouldn't necessarily throw your hat in and say this person's perfect or think they're a villain. It's a very much about. That's a starting point, not an end point. Your gut is a starting point. I feel the same about this online personality. It gives you something to work with. Of course, the problem is, if you take it all as being a source of data, then you have to do an awful lot of data checking, which is impossible. So I think that's why, if you have a profile on an app, make sure it is authentic and good and if you are chatting, try be close to the real you and avoid being a fantasist because it causes problems, because eventually someone will meet you, they'll meet the real you and they'll be disappointed.
Speaker 2:And if they meet you and they're close to the next, this is actually. We've done this in the wrong order. If you're doing the fantasy one first, you'd say the first problem is getting over the online personality, then it's meeting them and then it's getting over the fantasists that are in that pool. But that's comes later. No, we'll put anyone off. I just thought this is really interesting because we've had a few cases now where just people have had online. Approach has been very different from talking to them.
Speaker 1:I think one of the biggest ones and this isn't just us, we've had friends who have come and commented on this recently is those who come across far more confident or experienced than they actually are as well, and that's always one that throws me and that's something that we've now learned is that we have to be direct in asking questions like what experience do you have? What point are you at? What do you feel comfortable with? What do you not feel comfortable with? You can't just leave it to chance.
Speaker 2:I think we're both advocating for the poly CV. There should be a standard template. Everyone should use it. Or be more Dutch, be more Dutch, it's still a t-shirt we should get. Okay, that was helpful. I think that helped me anyway, so thank you. You are very welcome.
Speaker 2:You're very welcome. I am very welcome. I'm good, cool. Well, thank you for that. Before we go, I have, if someone's made all the way to the end of this, if you're a relatively new listener and you emailed me and wanted to connect on the Wax app, I sent an email back and the email bounced. If you could email me again with your they reached out on Instagram as well, have they?
Speaker 2:I'll shut up then I will talk to them there instead, in which case, if you're out there, we've got your email. We'll be in touch soon. Sorry, anything else.
Speaker 1:No, are you ready for Saturday?
Speaker 2:I am. I probably wasn't this morning, but I was ill this morning. I'm over it now.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'm feeling a touch peeky.
Speaker 2:Are you really? Yeah, that's gonna be fun later. 24 hour bug, it'll clear. It clears quickly, it's fine. But no, I've been seeing everyone on the chat and I've seen what you're wearing and you've got your nails done. I've got my suit up. My suit looks good. I definitely will try and cram in the bus two weeks worth of running and non-gym work into tomorrow morning. So yeah, that's gonna work out really well. Be ripped by midday.
Speaker 1:Me too. I'm going to go see Leon.
Speaker 2:Leon.
Speaker 1:Yeah, leon. Leon, that's who I am. Yeah, very good.
Speaker 2:Is that another gym session? Yeah, you're not gonna be walking on Saturday.
Speaker 1:Well, actually you don't need to. No, I'm gonna go light on the weights this time. Okay, so I'm not gonna push it and go too heavy, because I've got a potentially play on Sunday as well. Turn up to the football pitch.
Speaker 2:Do you like it With your massive guns? No, no, I was thinking, walking like I've been fucking excited, yeah, uh-huh, sorry, very good, yeah, first I've got a push with me, so with that we shall bid you, as it stands, a good evening. And the coach says see you, keep us under protection.
Speaker 1:Did you forget? I completely forgot. Jeez, I'm not sure. Keep us under protection.
Speaker 2:You're walking by. Oh, he's that you are gonna say it.
Speaker 1:Who said it for me?