Ep. 83 Grief: What’s Your Story? (Part 2)

The journey of grief, loss, and personal growth is deeply individual and often marked by profound experiences. Ashmeeta's story is a poignant example, having lost both her parents and unexpectedly in 2019, her husband at a young age.

 As an expat living in the USA, she understands how grief can create additional stressors around cultural identity and isolation, adding layers of complexity to the healing process.

 Yet with an abundance of resilience and raw vulnerability, Ashmeeta shares how she learned to embrace her most difficult losses (her mother and husband) and offers a masterclass to help anyone discover their own resilience and find hope in this two-part interview series.

While much of the discussion focuses on spousal loss, all of what we talk about offers a powerful and impactful discourse to help anyone navigate their grief journey from any form of loss, which is always filled with sorrow and change and embrace their new reality.

In the second part, we delve into the concept of fear, discovering ways to reframe it positively. We also discuss preparing for the unexpected, the importance of self-talk and self-love, the healing aspects of forgiveness and gratitude, and how mindfulness and self-reflection can guide you towards progress during times of grief.


Part 2 Episode on YouTube:


Part 1 Episode on audio:
https://www.buzzsprout.com/2021182/15003739

Part 1 Episode on YouTube:
https://youtu.be/mDtpF2GPvcI

Connect with Ashmeeta:
https://storyoutellyourself.com/

Connect with Vonne:
https://vonnesolis.com

Subscribe to the podcast! Share your favourite episodes! Connect with Vonne on LinkedIn and Facebook.

Transcript

Vonne Solis  0:00  
Welcome to another episode of Grief Talk. Everything you want to know about grief and more. I'm your host, Vonne Solis. As an author, mentor and bereaved mom since 2005, through guest interviews and coaching, here's where you'll always get great content that is inspiring and practical to help you heal after loss. 

Today's guest is Ashmeeta Madhav. A resilience and grief support advocate, educator, entrepreneur and author marked by loss experiences including miscarriage, rejection, her parents and husband. These challenges immersed her in the depths of intense grief, leaving her feeling stuck and adrift. Ashmeeta embraced the path of self-discovery, recognizing the vital role of personal growth and the profound impact that our thoughts have on shaping our reality. Her book, What's Your Story? is designed to bring comfort, inspiration and guidance to empower people navigating difficult times discover the strength within themselves to foster resilience and create a meaningful life. 

So welcome to the show Ashmeeta. It's gonna be a good episode. 

Ashmeeta Madhav  1:10  
Thank you for having me, Vonne. 

Vonne Solis  1:11  
You're very welcome. So as I said in the introduction, audience, Ashmeeta does have experience with different types of loss. Ashmeeta, I'm just going to briefly recap here. So definitely a miscarriage. Rejection. I want to acknowledge that because it's very important how we go through grief, what we think of ourselves. You lost both your parents and your husband. So you were widowed early in life. Losing a spouse early is its own category. When you don't expect it and your husband did die from cancer. So you were also caregiving. But there's a whole grief around that. 

So I want to talk about fear because so many people are terrified in grief. And, I was too, for a bunch of different reasons. It could be new to us. My daughter's death was my first experience with grief other than grandparents. Didn't know anything about it. We're not, we're not grief literate.

But the second thing I want to talk to you about really quickly is because we're so terrified, and sometimes shocked and trauma and then you became single. Widowed= but alone. And you said you had to you know, deal with the finances and all the legal whatever. Taxes and all this stuff that you had not been involved in. That was hubby's job. And you will, you will not be alone in that. So did you have someone in the midst of all of this chaos and going to bed with your thoughts. You know, and having your self-talk over months and possibly even a couple years, however long. Maybe today, you're still doing that. Did you have someone helping you with all that stuff that you had no involvement in?

Ashmeeta Madhav  3:06  
Yes. So I have, well, helping in the sense that, you know, when you lose somebody. Especially, I'm going to talk specifically from the point of a spouse because we feel so vulnerable, and we don't know who to trust. There's so much that's going on. We've got to get the finances. We don't know, sometimes it's like you get a surprise, because you don't even know anything about your husband's, you know, the financial side. Like his company and where he worked and all of that kind of stuff. So just having to learn all of that stuff and gather all that information in the first place and then understand what that means for you. Sometimes it doesn't mean anything for you and you don't get anything. Sometimes you do. 

We were fortunate in one aspect was we had a social worker as my husband's health was deteriorating. And one of the things that they told us was to make sure that we get his will. His you know, our affairs in order because yes, a miracle can happen. But we're not, just want to make sure we're being realistic here. It's a very difficult topic to talk about. Not many people want to get a will. I don't want to get (indecipherable). I don't want to think about those things. Why, you know, if it's not about me. So we had that discussion. And we realized that it's not about him. It's not about us. It's about making sure the relevant information is in the hands of the people who need it when I am not around. Right?

So with that hat on, we started this journey of getting all of the information that we kept in one place. Even though we did that it was still a journey on its own for me.

Vonne Solis  4:50  
Oh gosh. Yeah. No. Again, like I said, I've had people on who have been widowed. And even after decades together, having to now take over all those responsibilities that the husband did. And this that and just learning to be alone. Devastating for them. Very, very difficult. 

I've also done episodes audience on emergency preparedness, and I have talked about it with other people. Financial planning. Get the will done. Talk to your loved ones. Make it even fun about if this happened, what would you want? Where do you want it? And since, because we did none of that Ashmeeta before my daughter's death. We did have a will, you know, and that was fine. I never had a problem having a will. But it was the worst thing in the world having to redo that will and take her off of it. That was awful. 

But it's like you said, it all starts and ends with you? How am I going to be impacted if I don't have this information? You know? Even a DNR folks. How are we going to be impacted if we do or don't have one or you haven't made your wishes clear to your spouse? O adult children? And understanding we're in the stage now. And I'm going to speak to any of the audience that might be where we are. Empty nesters for 10 years. We had children ranging in the 50s 40 and 30s. And between us and our son is the last one together. And guess what, he doesn't want our condo. He doesn't want certain things that we would have just assumed, pass down. 

So it's like not talking. And of course, this is age and experience dependent. But at least preparing and you just hope that you don't need it. So I'm glad you're talking about that Ashmeeta because again, you were a young, unexpected widow. Right? And it happens. Right? We lose our kids. We lose our spouses. It happens. It might suck and we might not want to. But I wish that more people would just you know, and I've had conversations also with people and about how we're in North America, I know you come from a different like South Africa, for example, and a different culture. And it'd be so interesting to find out if in other cultures that they are open to talking about death because we sure as heck aren't in North America. We do not want to talk about death, unless we you know, and until it happens. And then very briefly. And then only some types of death. So there's all these rules around it.

Actually, if I could just be so, you know, like questioning about in how you grew up and ideas and that, that formed in your head, is in your culture, are you open to the idea of talking about death? Or is it also hush hush? 

Ashmeeta Madhav  8:08  
You know, I don't know culture wise, whether it is really a thing. But I know, in my family, my mom was very open. And we had conversations about all different types of things, including my dad as well. On a spiritual level he questioned everything. He didn't just believe what, you know, the religion. He questioned. He was just that person. So we grew up in that type of a household. And my mom would always, you know, my dad, both my parents talked about death as if it was just something that was part of life. And my mom you know, did say that, you know, when I die? I'd like this. You know, this, this and this to happen.

Vonne Solis  8:55  
Yeah. 

Ashmeeta Madhav  8:57  
So that's how things were. So

Those were things like and I remember that. My brother remembered that. So at the point where we knew that okay, this is hitting a direction that we're already uncomfortable but let's keep these emotions, they're valid. Let's keep them in their own space. What is the log, what is the logic. What is the brain saying and what is the logical thing? What was that person's request? We thought, we'd had the discussion with her ahead of time and through our lives when we were young. We knew what to do for her according to her wishes.

Vonne Solis  9:56  
Don't you think Ashmeeta that makes the grief, I'm not going to say less painful. But certainly less chaotic and confusing. And in a way it I think helps us to really honour them. Because you knew what they want. And when my mom died, she died just a few weeks after a very short hospital stay. And once I went to visit. And she was only 78 which I consider young. Um, but she, one day I went to visit her in the hospital. And she insisted, insisted as I was, you know, strolling with her down the hospital corridor, and she was hanging onto my arm, that I knew everything about financially. And she had some special things that were already spoken for, to certain people, and so on and so forth. 

And I'm like, Mom, you're not going to die. But you know what? She was gone within I think four weeks. And it was a very sudden death. And because we knew, despite the fact that we were like, well, whatever. It's just her talking. But because we knew everything, where it was. What needed to be done, we had everything cleaned up and done and everything in 10 days. And all the items, you know, disposed of, and sold. And, you know, people wanted this and people wanted that. And, frankly, maybe, you know, maybe that's one of the reasons I never really struggled with anything, because we had acknowledged it. And, you know? And I knew she sort of was ready to go, I guess.

Anyway, we're not talking about that today. But people, it just, I'm talking about you Ashmeeta. And I'm talking about in those moments for anybody. Those moments that can stretch into months, by the way, that you do have to deal with things. What would you say to the person and again, keeping this in spousal loss, but that now has to be responsible for everything? And how did you kind of approach everything that you needed to do next? Now you're on your own, and you got to deal with all these things. Everything. It's huge. Did you just take it one challenge at a time? One day at a time? Like, how did you do that?

Ashmeeta Madhav  11:58  
Well, it initially did feel very overwhelming until I came to a point where I started, I reminded myself that I need to do things as they hap, like, as you said like as they happen. But I also need to be aware of myself and my emotions, and how I'm feeling and honouring that as well. So basically, taking care of yourself, while also doing all of these things is very, very important. 

So acknowledging those feelings. Acknowledging those thoughts that enter your mind. Giving yourself the time and the space to deal with things. So if I generally would complete a specific task in so much of time, and now I'm in this situation. My mind's not working, and I'm just feeling totally overwhelmed. I still need to get this job done. I'm going to be a bit more kinder to myself. Practice, you know, some of that empathy and some of that, those things that I'm looking for from people out there to give to me, because I feel like a victim. I decided that instead of wanting, I know what I need. I need to be nurtured. I need someone to help help me build that trust and that faith back up to help me feel hopeful again. 

The more I kept searching for it out there, the more despondent I became. So then I decided nobody's going to give this to me. They're (indecipherable) stuck. So where are you gonna get this and I know, I need this. I need this to help me feel like I'm alive again. Then, when I feel alive, then I can do the things. I'll deal with it. I'll learn new things. I'll do whatever it is that I have to do with this new reality that I have. But I can't do it if I feel so dead inside. That's how I felt when my husband died. 

Vonne Solis  13:58  
Yes.

Ashmeeta Madhav  13:58  
The trick for me was, I'm not going to expect it from anybody else. I'm going to be giving it to myself.

Vonne Solis  14:08  
Wow.

Ashmeeta Madhav  14:08  
Guaranteeing yourself. The way you parent kids. The way you were so attentive to their needs. The way you are so empathetic to another human being who is struggling. I'm not saying do it for other people. But you have that quality in you already. You're able to do it for other people. Why do we not do it for ourselves? 

Vonne Solis  14:28  
So you're giving yourself permission to be gentle with yourself. Understanding of yourself. Kind to yourself. All part of the self-talk. Not judgmental, for whatever you're taking on. And this again, will be unique to all of us. But as I love to say over and over and over again, none of us invent emotions. We go through the gamut. And there's only, well there's dozens and dozens and dozens and dozens of negative ones. Grab an emotion wheel. You'll see. Free online. And under really, you know, really understand what's driving you. But instead of being mad, blaming, wanting, having, you know, wanting other people to fix us, it's coming from with in. And I really think it really boils down to just loving ourselves. What what do you think it boils down to as Ashmeeta? 

Ashmeeta Madhav  15:24  
It's self-love.

Vonne Solis  15:25  
Right.

Ashmeeta Madhav  15:26  
If I think of myself as this poor you know, widow who's, I'm lost without my husband, and you know, my life is over. Because then I will become that. Because that's what I'm telling myself I am.

Vonne Solis  15:43  
Right. Right, right, right.

Ashmeeta Madhav  15:46  
I can still live though. I still have life in me.

Vonne Solis  15:48  
You sure do. You sure do.

Ashmeeta Madhav  15:51  
How I want to live is my choice. 

Vonne Solis  15:52  
Yeah. All of this now audience, as a reminder whether you're going through this as well. You're an incredible inspiration Ashmeeta. But just remember, for anybody watching this, or listening to this. Ashmeeta, you're raising three children at the same time. So to also parent yourself, I think that's key. You've said it beautifully. It is absolutely key. And one of the tricks I learned many, many, many years ago, is to imagine myself holding my palm up here for listeners, that you're yourself lying in your palm and kind of like the universe is your hand. But you can also bring it to that you're you are your hand as the parent. So it's a little trick. A little, a little method to do for manifesting and stuff like that. And where the universe, just like a parent wants to give their child anything. The universe wants to give us anything, everything that we want. And being enveloped in the palm of the hand, you know, just imagining yourself like that. Beautiful in your pure pure light and energy. Right?

But it's an image you can also use to let's just say parent yourself. Be kind to yourself. Love yourself. And different types of our experiences you know, where we take on, it might not even be a death. It just might be childhood trauma that we take on and within for sometimes decades and think everything was our own fault. And I should have done this. And I should have done that. And all this. And we're just really hard on ourselves for whatever reason, having this beautiful image of yourself within the palm of whatever. Yourself as a parent, the universe in a greater experience. We mostly are kind to each other. So be that and be that loving person towards yourself. And that's really, I think the crux of inner probing. Is to be able to be aware of that, and then actually practice it. What do you think?

Ashmeeta Madhav  18:02  
Yes, yes, I agree. Definitely.

Vonne Solis  18:04  
It is a lifelong practice. And it will change Ashmeeta, depending on where we are in our grief journey, and what we've done as I've said, at the beginning, is with this grief. What, deciding what we want. So let's turn to thoughts for a moment now. I also want to kind of wrap this in with your book, What's Your Story? Intention, and so on. So thinking of those two together, we all have a story. We all have a story. So it's how we want to tell it. But I want you to explain it. What is What's Your Story? all about? The intention of it, and I know you run a group related to What's Your Story?, right? And what are you hoping people get from it? And how does this sort of tie into thoughts? And it's really, one thing I want to really focus on here. It is very difficult to just change thoughts. It's you can tell yourself, oh, I want to be rich. Okay, I'm gonna think rich. And then you know, you're never rich. So really what goes into changing your thoughts about what your story is.

Ashmeeta Madhav  18:28  
So What's Your Story? Basically, the reason I titled the book that way was because many years ago Well, I think it was just after my mom passed away, maybe just before that. I had a few other things go on in my life that really shook my my world. When I was a young age and rejection and things like that, which really made me question my worth. And I found that the thoughts that I had in my mind and the what I was attracting to me, I noticed a cycle. A similar type of experiences in different ways. I was attracting the same kind of stuff to me and that's what intrigued me into sort of learning more about thoughts and emotions. And I read the book by Louise Hay, The Powers Within You and that kind of stuff. That was way back then. I practiced meditation and journalling and all that kind of stuff. 

But the reason I say, Well, What's Your Story? is because when I decided when I decided what came to a realization that the thoughts that I was having in my mind, about any specific situation was actually not the other person's problem. It was not them, even though their actions were affecting me. 

Vonne Solis  20:51  
Yeah. Yep. 

Ashmeeta Madhav  20:52  
I was always under the impression that they are doing things to me. Why that person continually behaves that way with me? 

Vonne Solis  20:59  
Yeah. 

Ashmeeta Madhav  21:01  
It upsets me. Why do they keep doing that to me? But there was one, my husband actually said, my late husband actually said this to me was that he, I was whining. You know, sort of having a discussion too with him about something. And he was not agreeing with me, and eventually turns around and says to me, Well, you know what? You're doing it to yourself. 

Vonne Solis  21:23  
Mm hmm. 

Ashmeeta Madhav  21:24  
You're doing it to yourself, he said to me. And for the life of me, I could not understand what he meant. 

Vonne Solis  21:30  
Yeah. 

Ashmeeta Madhav  21:31  
And he said, I don't know how to explain this to you, but you are doing this to yourself. And it took me a bit, you know, for me to actually understand exactly what he meant by that. And that's what started the whole idea of my thoughts becoming my reality. They became a reality for me, because I shifted the way I saw the other person. I took my focus off the actions that others were doing, and put the focus onto myself.

Vonne Solis  22:02  
That's really key and really important. And that is an episode on its own. Honest to goodness is just talking about getting to that point where we're not in the blame game. You know, I always say, what's the common denominator in any problem? And guaranteed it's us. You know, any relationship problem, it's kind of the same thing as saying you're doing it to yourself or, as my sister loves to say, you take yourself wherever you go. And if we look, you know, at our past patterns, they will remain the same. They may come to us in different forms, different relationships, different situations, doesn't matter. But the problem. The pattern problem, or problem pattern, I guess, I want to say is going to be there until you recognize it, and you no longer want it in your life. It's really that simple. Your journey, like we just don't have time to go down that but your work is focussed a lot in that area, is it not Ashmeeta? Does helping people become aware of of those thoughts, cycles, self-talk, that sort of thing?

Ashmeeta Madhav  23:13  
 Yes, it's that and also self-love. Learning to, you know, not let this experience become your reality.  And just let the experience be the experience. And,

Vonne Solis  23:24  
Yeah, very key point. So, you know, this podcast is designed just to introduce people to concepts. They may hear something. It might spark something in them. Because I did just want to say it's very difficult for people in the blame game, to take responsibility. And it takes a really big person. And it also takes the embracing of wanting to be responsible for your life. And to do that we really, really, really have to look within and we really can't look to anybody else to do anything for us. Because anything they offer? Even love in a relationship? It's up to us to decide if we're going to be open and vulnerable enough to accept it, or what we're going to do with it. So take that, expand that anything we do in our lives, and it it can be sometimes a lifelong struggle or practice to perfect that where we fully fully accept what's happened to us. What is happening to us. 

But on the flip side and a wonderful side and what most people unfortunately, get attracted to and then dump the whole process is manifesting. Creating that life you really want. But you don't start there, folks. You don't start there. That's the end result. Enjoying the benefits of living the life you really want and can create that is the outcome. It is not the journey in and of itself. And I think that's why people get so discouraged by and give up this whole practice of, of just manifesting in their life. We can call it intention, manifestation. I don't know, is there a new word for it decades later Ashmeeta or are we still calling it intention and manifestation? I don't know. I don't know.

Ashmeeta Madhav  25:21  
Maybe law of attraction. I don't know.

Vonne Solis  25:23  
Yeah. And all the same stuff. It's, it's, it's been around for hundreds of years. But would you say now Ashmeeta, that you are, I don't really want to say living proof, necessarily, but a very good example. Are you living, I mean, listen. It, it, it takes time to get it all together, and it changes, what we want. But do you consider yourself to be an example of you're living every day, what you're, what you're thinking, and creating as a result of those thoughts?

Ashmeeta Madhav  25:57  
That is my goal. And that is what I live, that is my intention every moment that I'm alive, I have intention of doing certain things. And, you know, this is how I see the rest of my life going because I have, for me, I have basically come to a point where I just want to give. My need for the rest of my life is I want to give back what I have received in this, all of these various different experiences that I've got. The what it gave to me, not the pain. I don't want to give the pain. 

Vonne Solis  26:32  
Yeah, yeah. 

Ashmeeta Madhav  26:35  
What I drew out of it, that, you know, the awareness allowed me to be able to get out of it. To be able to share that, and leave that out there with anyone who can take that and make it their own based on what's going on with them. Because you know what? We're all learning till the day we die.

Vonne Solis  26:56  
I just want to say one thing. When I say that, are you living that? It's a day, it's a daily journey. So I should rephrase. It's really a daily journey. If we can get up every day. Even if we have jobs we have to go to or any other obligations. Raising children, whatever it is, whatever it is, whatever it is. Whatever you can manage in your life to go, I am going to make this my day and get the joy from it or accept the responsibilities or obligations, understanding you've created them. At some level you wanted them or needed them. So like, in other words, having children? Yes, there's going to be tight time schedules and this that and volleying and this, but one day, you know what, they're not going to be with you. One day, they're going to leave home. And then you're and then you know, what are you going to do? And stuff like that.  But anyway, the point is, on a much, you know, sort of like, like umbrella idea to this is as much as we can choose to love what we can about our day. And the parts that we can't love at least accept them as something that we're in now, and absolutely will change one day. Do you want to add, do you agree with that and do you want to add anything to that Ashmeeta?

Ashmeeta Madhav  28:13  
I agree to that. And one of the one one of the really cool things that kind of helped me a lot is forgiveness and gratitude. Forgiving myself and the person I believe hurt me. Because, you know, ultimately, I believe now that it's never the other person. It's me. Because I'm the only one experiencing the experience, no matter what situation I'm in. Forgiveness on both sides. And as well as practicing gratitude. I'm grateful that, and you can practice gratitude in so many. Grateful for what you have. Grateful for the opportunities that you've had. When I feel sad that my husband died. I don't have a husband. 

Vonne Solis  28:53  
Yes.

Ashmeeta Madhav  28:54  
Grateful that I had 23 years to spend with him and grateful for the time that we had together. It was a wonderful time.

Vonne Solis  29:02  
Nice, nice.

Ashmeeta Madhav  29:04  
Memories will stay with me because they were memories we made together. He may not be here right now, physically, you know. But if you believe in the afterlife or any of that, then I could be talking to him. I do. And he could still be around me. I mean, I talk to my mom a lot. That actually I'm like Mom, you know, I don't know what to do in this situation. You know, whatever it is and out of the blue I'd get some sign or something would just fall into place and like oh, wow!

Vonne Solis  29:34  
Yeah, yeah. Oh my goodness. I've had many physical manifestations and visits from the afterlife that it's a no brainer. But, so if you believe that people that life is ongoing, and in some form. Pick the form that you want to believe. Energy, consciousness, whatever, it's all kind of same thing. They are with us. Our loved ones really are with us. They're never really gone but at the same time, you know, both I think Ashmeeta, you and I and everybody else I've talked to and most people, we still need to pay homage to the grief part of it. The physical part that we're living. But it does make it a little more interesting when we have these signs and stuff and you kind of go, oh, there is something more. So embrace the journey. 

You talk about, embrace, empower, evolve. The three E's. Embrace, empower, evolve. And I think we've kind of talked a lot about that in various ways today. I know it's in your work. And it's certainly in everything I do. But it's so refreshing and wonderful to talk to another person on the journey. One of the things is you say that the experience of loss is not the end, but it's a you know, sort of a portal to a new beginning. And I and I just think that's so nice to remember. And there's going to be some losses that are going to be much more difficult to be able to accept that and go Yeah, it was okay that I lost my kid. I got a great new beginning here. 

Without doubt, I will say the death of my daughter led me on a path I would not normally have, I would never have gone on it. And I am going to say that. Does that mean I like that she died? No! Would I take the old m? In a heartbeat. Right? I'm a way better version. Vonne. 2.0 is a way better version. But I love how you were talking. We were talking earlier about just accepting it. I'm going to I'm gonna remember that, you know, in the hardest of times. You're sitting there. Lying there in your bed and just going Yeah, but this is it. This is my reality. But then further to that thinking, and not getting caught in it, but I'm not a victim. Do you think it's really key that when we don't have all the pieces of where we're going next? And it's really overwhelming, just trusting that the doors will open? Like do you ask just for signs or just, you know, opportunities? Just show me what to do next? Whoever you're asking?

Ashmeeta Madhav  32:06  
Well, that is yes. That is where the whole faith and spirit spirituality and faith and all of that kind of stuff. 

Vonne Solis  32:12  
Yeah. Yeah.

Ashmeeta Madhav  32:15  
I've used prayer a lot. And I have something that gives me. Makes me feel peaceful and because we kind of almost like in a fight and flight mode when you are experiencing grief, right? 

Vonne Solis  32:30  
Yes. Yeah. 

Ashmeeta Madhav  32:31  
That's how I thought I was. Okay. So if my nervous system is totally on fire here but I need to do this thing. I need to bring it down to a peaceful state, because then I can work for a better foundation. Right? 

Vonne Solis  32:46  
Yeah.

Ashmeeta Madhav  32:46  
How do I do that? I need to tell myself, I need to let my nervous system know everything's okay. You're safe. You're fine. All is well. I just continually repeat to myself when I started feeling, when I start feeling anxious is all is well. And I really tap my heart sometimes.

Vonne Solis  33:04  
Yeah.

Ashmeeta Madhav  33:04  
I just say, all is well. All is good.

Vonne Solis  33:07  
Yeah.

Ashmeeta Madhav  33:08  
You can create some breathing into that as well. Deep breathing.

Vonne Solis  33:11  
Yeah. Because technically, and for people that need therapy, please go get therapy. You know, talk therapy, whatever kind of therapy. Psychotherapy that you're involved in. Because a lot of these, you know, we need things sometimes for people to help us sort of see what we're up against. But I really believe and it has been my experience that you really can't make sort of sound choices, decisions and choices when you're all over the map. I love what you say when your nervous system is on fire. That's not the time to be making decisions, people.

Ashmeeta Madhav  33:44  
You're vulnerable at that time as well. The decisions you make may not be something you would do, make if you were in a different frame of mind and emotionally as well. 

Vonne Solis  33:53  
So if your nervous system is on fire, let it be on fire for as long as it needs to be on fire in that moment. Because it will dye itself down and calm itself down. And as Ashmeeta says, do those calming techniques and others that you might know and have gained elsewhere. The essential thing is to calm down. Let the fear go. Just let the fear go and understand that solutions are there. But you're absolutely right Ashmeeta. It's very hard to see solutions and trust and have faith unless you really have a practice in place to allow you to do that. And it's never too early to start folks. And I say that if you could be any age and if you haven't believed in anything and you know if you're really mixed up about what you could have faith or hope in because I know a lot of your work is also hope-based. Centered in you know, finding and hanging on to hope, it all kind of works together. 

But developing a stronger or a new or you know just any kind of relationship to your spiritual self. Your core, it's never too early to start that or never too late. What I mean by early is it you don't want to sit there and go, Oh, my life has passed me by. I've missed out. No, you haven't. And by the same token, it's never too late. You can never be too long in any kind of journey or struggle to say, I think I'm done with this. I think I'm done with this. And we will, in my experience, we will have the body give us signs and our mind give us signs about how much more we want to tolerate, or put ourselves through something that would be suffering. And this can change over over years. And we can do it in bits and teeny tiny steps. Teeny, tiny steps. And the fact is that we just want to do it and can recognize it? I think that's what you know, is the important point here. Which your work is all about. Helping people recognize that as is mine. 

So I do want to just talk quickly. Close off with your resources Ashmeeta. You have a grief and growth challenge on Instagram. You've got a Facebook group. You've got a bunch of social media where people can connect with you. Are there any other resources that you're offering to people?

Ashmeeta Madhav  36:14  
I can be contacted through my website. My contact details are all on my website. So I definitely do offer coaching to anyone who's interested.

Vonne Solis  36:22  
So your website is storyyoutellyourself.com. And from there people can access all these wonderful resources and the beautiful work that you are doing to get people moving forward bit by bit. Yeah?

Ashmeeta Madhav  36:37  
Yes.

Vonne Solis  36:38  
That's wonderful. I wish I had longer to chat and talk because there's just so much that we've just started to unpack that is so so you know, critical, really, to how we experience anything difficult in our life. And at least you are offering a place where people can, can go share their story. Think about their story differently. As I said earlier, and you've said. We all have a story. But it's what we want to do. I think we can shape our story as it changes throughout our life. Is that kind of your message with that?

Ashmeeta Madhav  37:18  
That is my message. Because I believe that I changed my story with my thoughts of the way I see myself from things that used to bother me when I was younger was of my intentional changing of my thoughts and the way I saw things. My quality of life changed, and also my stress levels came down. And even being around those same people. I will say situations that used to stress me out. To tense me up all the time, I noticed that that was not, those were not triggering me in that that way anymore.

Vonne Solis  37:51  
I would much rather have and share a story of empowerment, and evolving, you know, than one of victimhood and suffering, right? Two different two different stories. And while we might actually be a bit of a player in the one that and, and we might have to tell one story for a while, to get really clear about the story we do want to tell about who we are. Who we are. Not what our experiences are. Who we are. That's a really key point you make Ashmeeta. And I do want to leave the audience with that. Very key point because too many people become their experiences, right?

Ashmeeta Madhav  38:36  
Easy to do. I mean it's natural to do that. It's not like the first thing we would do. I've done it too.

Vonne Solis  38:42  
We all do it. And we can fall into it. So check what you're doing every day throughout the day. And if you want to be mad at something, get mad. But the empowerment is in recognizing that and deciding how long you want to be mad. What you want to be mad at. And then what you want to turn that energy of anger into, that is a win all in, you know, all in itself. And that's really for me what the empowerment is. It's not that you go out there and feel like you got it all together. None of us do. 

Ashmeeta Madhav  39:19  
No.

Vonne Solis  39:20  
It's about really really respecting everything we're made up of and what we feel and what we emote. And understand the power we have to choose that, you know, we maybe don't want that at all or if we want it a little bit how long? That's how I want to close this off with from my my perspective.

Ashmeeta Madhav  39:40  
It's about their choice. And you know, how you view yourself. And we, we all have our things, our strengths and our weaknesses. All of that makes us who we are. And I'm working on it. 

Vonne Solis  39:53  
We're always a work in progress. But the thing is, if we could just appreciate and respect that in each other. And we aren't coming from a culture that expects this high performing, you know, perfection and you're on all the time. It's called authenticity people. I have looked in the dictionary, is there another word and thesaurus for another word for authenti, authentic? No, there's not. And so in anything we do. Business, anything we do, just to really be able to, you know, embrace all of just who we are and what we've come through and where we're going and how we can get there with a lot greater ease than struggle. This is amazing for anybody in this workspace. I just really love and appreciate all of us doing this work because it helps those that aren't quite there yet. 

Anyway, audience, go visit Ashmeeta's site. Website. We'll have the link in the show notes. And from there, you can connect with her in a number of different ways. Take her challenge. Don't take her challenge. But whatever, you've got a lot of beautiful resources and a wonderful website. So I do want to thank you Ashmeeta, for taking the time to share your knowledge and wisdom gained.

Ashmeeta Madhav  41:06  
Thank you very much for having me. 

Vonne Solis  41:08  
Thank you.