Hey there. Welcome to the show. Sorry for the unannounced hiatus, but as you can probably tell from the title of this episode and show description, I recently had a member of my family unexpectedly pass away. So I thought maybe it would be helpful for me as well as anyone else who is going through loss to discuss ways to handle grief. And if you are going through grief yourself, it doesn’t matter how recently a loss happened, give yourself grace because there is no timeline for grief.
I think, especially in our current culture of “hurry up and get back to work” and “go go go” and everything, we feel pressured to just jump right back in, to bounce back and return to normal, but that’s not really the best way. We need to actually feel our feelings and recognize our loss in order to heal, because if we don’t, if you just shove it down and don’t actually let yourself feel your feelings, then those feelings might end up coming out in less desirable and unexpected ways. It can take a toll on you mentally and emotionally and physically. I often actually get certain ailments I guess when I am under a lot of stress. Currently, I am in the midst of a cold, but I was having some pains in my side that have gotten a little bit better, but nonetheless it started when all of this happened, which was really fast.
My stepdad was diagnosed with cancer a couple of weeks ago, and passed away one week after his diagnosis. And I’m extremely grateful for the fact that we had time to tell him how much we loved him because not everyone gets that opportunity when a loved one is dying, but it’s still hard. It doesn’t matter how that loss comes. It’s always going to be hard.
It’s the hardest part about being human, I think, loving, because we’re all mortal and we’re going to go eventually, and we’re also very habitual creatures who want stability and to know that things around us are going to be the same. So when a sudden loss happens, it kind of shakes your world. But even if a loss is expected, it still can shake your world. It still should shake your world. It’s hard losing those we love and some days are harder than others, and it’s okay to feel feelings. It just shows how human you are, how much love is in your heart. And that’s beautiful.
I think one of the worst parts or the part that I found to be most difficult is those feelings of what-if‘s and should-haves, but you really can’t focus on that because it does no good, not for the current circumstance. Anyway, you can’t go back and change those things. You can’t go back in time and hug a little tighter, even if you wish you could, and that’s something that makes loss incredibly difficult because you also lose those opportunities.
I’m thankful I had that chance, although I couldn’t really give him the hug I wanted to when he was in the hospital bed, I had the chance to tell him how much I love him and I’m so thankful for that. And it showed me that maybe I should be doing that now even more, not just saying the words, “I love you,” to my loved ones, but telling them why I love them, telling them exactly the moments I think of fondly, the memories we have, doing it now so they know now. I think that’s maybe the lesson I’m trying to glean from this unfortunate circumstance.
So let’s talk about ways we can deal with this grief because you can feel your feelings, but to do it alone I mean, if that’s what works for you, but if you have support, if you have family members or friends or even if you don’t have that, get in touch with a mental health professional. There are multiple app-based therapists available these days like BetterHelp and TalkSpace that kind of make it more accessible because you can just do it from your own home. I probably should’ve tried to get a code for that for this episode, but I’m sure you can Google and find a code. So talk to family members, friends, or mental health professionals–anyone you can share your feelings with that can help give you that comfort and support you need to process your grief.
Another option for support if you are finding you need more, if just talking to friends and family members isn’t enough, you can consider joining a support group, because speaking with others who experience a similar boss can feel helpful. That community support can really do a lot, and those kinds of groups provide a safe and supportive space to share your experiences and your feelings.
Take care of yourself, because like I said, grief can manifest itself in different ways in our bodies if we don’t take care of ourselves. So be sure to get enough sleep. Sleep is like the most healing thing you can do. Get enough sleep–prioritize it. Eat well and try to engage in activities that you enjoy, that bring you joy, not just vegging out in front of the TV (unless that’s what you need right now and if you need that break, that’s fine just I would urge you not to do it forever because I think we do need to feel our feelings in order to fully heal.)
I saw a meme about grief recently that made a lot of sense and it was that grief doesn’t shrink with time, we just grow around it. Like I said, grief has no timeline. Do not pressure yourself or get down on yourself. If you continue to feel sad there’s nothing wrong with that. When you lose someone you love it’s like you’re losing a piece of your heart, so of course it’s going to be hard and you shouldn’t pressure yourself about how long it takes to feel better. But do what you can when you can to show yourself self-compassion and do little things for yourself to take care of yourself, physically and emotionally. Healing takes time, and it’s OK to take things at your own pace.
Another thing you could do to honor your loved one, but also be giving yourself a creative outlet, which could be very soothing for grief, is to create a memorial of some kind. Planting a tree or a flower or creating something from wood or stone, something with your hands that you make in memory of your loved one to provide comfort during this grieving process, but also give you something to put your energy into.
Something that I personally did to help me was write an essay of sorts. You can also write a letter to your loved one if you didn’t have a chance to tell them what they meant to you, what they mean to you. Write a letter, and they may not be reading it on this earth, but it doesn’t mean they don’t know, and it will help make you feel better that you’ve got those words out. That’s what I spent yesterday doing, writing this essay. And like I said, I did have a chance to tell him how much I love him, and though he was kind of in and out of coherence, I had that chance, I had the opportunity. But I still was feeling the urge to write certain specific memories down and so I decided to take yesterday to just write, and it honestly made me feel so much better.
So that could be an option to just write a letter, Write down your memories, your thoughts, the things you loved about them. Not only will this help you to get those words out that you wished you could have said, it also creates a memorial of sorts that you can look back on, but you can remember those memories more vividly. I think, too, for me writing was kind of a way for me to help myself to accept that he was gone.
Because when loss happens so unexpectedly, I feel like you’re more likely to have the denial stage. It seems that your brain doesn’t want to accept it, like, how could they possibly be gone? Especially if they seemed so healthy before, you know? It’s when it’s unexpected like that it’s really difficult for your brain to register that that loss has happened and I found myself kind of coming in and out of that where I was like accepting it but then almost feeling like, “no, it can’t be true,” and somehow writing the essay for him, helped me to feel a sense of that closure. I guess acceptance of his departure.
Remember everyone’s grief is unique, and there is no right way to grieve. Everyone grieves differently, so in addition to giving yourself that grace and self-compassion, remember if another one of your family members is grieving differently then that’s okay, too, (as long as it’s healthy, of course.) Give them equal compassion and support. Support each other, reach out, tell your loved ones how much you love them, how much they mean to you. Hug a little tighter. Don’t wait to tell your loved ones how much you love them and how much they mean to you.
A lot of times we get so wrapped up in our own everyday routines, that we forget how fragile they are, how fragile all of our lives are. So take time show yourself love, show your loved ones love. Do things that bring you joy, do soothing activities, take a hot bath and cry in the shower. It’s okay to cry. Crying is a way to release our emotions, and if you’ve been told or brought up in a way that makes you feel like you can’t cry, I’m telling you you can, okay? It might be hard, but I think it’s an important way to let that emotion out.
I’m not sure what your religious or spiritual beliefs are, but whether or not you believe that your loved ones go on in some way or another, whether they’re with you in spirit watching over you, whatever you believe one thing is most definitely true: and that is that they live on in you. You can keep them alive, and they are with you because they made an impact on you, and in that sense they are still there in your heart and your soul with you.
So I guess the gist of this episode is that if you are grieving, be gentle with yourself. And whether or not you are grieving, make sure to tell your loved ones how much you love them and why. Give yourself compassion. Don’t pressure yourself on how long it takes you to feel better. Let yourself feel your feelings. Get plenty of sleep. And seek out support. Know you are not alone.
Unfortunately we’re all mortals here. Loss happens every day, so I hope you know you’re not alone and I wish I could give you a hug through this microphone, but since I can’t, I hope you can imagine it because I think we should all hug a little tighter every day.
Thanks again so much for listening and for letting me be the friend inside your ear. I hope you tune in again next week when we will discuss something more positive. I'm not entirely sure of the topic yet because I’ve been following that advice of giving myself grace, giving myself time. So it will be a surprise anyway. I hope you have a great week, thanks for letting me be the friend inside your ear. I’ll see you later.