152. Kristin Meekhof: Overcoming Grief and Embracing Gratitude

In this heartfelt episode, Colette Brown interviews Kristin Meekhof, a nationally recognized expert on resiliency and gratitude, who shares her personal journey through grief and loss. From meeting at the United Nations to discussing Kristin's acclaimed book, 'A Widow's Guide to Healing,' they dive deep into the themes of overcoming adversity, the power of sharing personal narratives, and the importance of gratitude.

01:48 Grief and Gratitude: A Personal Journey

03:09 Kristen’s Early Losses and Adoption

04:28 Writing 'A Widow's Guide to Healing'

08:00 Common Challenges in Grief

09:19 The Importance of Telling Your Story

11:04 Advice for Those Supporting Grievers

20:34 Managing Finances After Loss

25:08 Empowering Women: Knowing Your Worth

29:33 Practicing Gratitude Daily

33:44 Final Thoughts on Grief and Gratitude

Find out more and grab a copy of her book here:

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kristinmeekhof/

Book: A Widow's Guide to Healing

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Connect with Colette:

Instagram: @wellnessbycolette

Website: love-colette.com

Thank you for listening to the Limitless Healing podcast with Colette Brown! It would mean the world if you would take one minute to follow, leave a 5 star review and share with those you love!

In Health,
Colette

Transcript

[00:00:00] Our next guest I met at the United Nations. We were both there for one of our dear friends, mentors, and people that is very well respected Deepak Chopra and his push in gaining the mental awareness, the mental health awareness in the world. She is. Has over 20 years of clinical experience as, and an MSW from the university of Michigan.

[00:01:22] Colette Brown: She has become nationally recognized expert on resiliency and gratitude. Her acclaimed book, a widow's guide to healing draws on her personal journey through grief, offering profound insights into overcoming adversity. Trusted advisor to some of the most influential people in the world. Kristin, not only works to inspire, but also transforms lives.

[00:01:48] Colette Brown: It is my great honor to welcome Kristin Meekhof. Welcome, Kristin. 

[00:01:52] Kristin Meekhof: Thank you, Collette. I'm honored to be here. It's great to have you. 

[00:01:56] Colette Brown: It's beautiful to have you. And we were sat at the, we always sat down at the same table. So I think it was like a little divine intervention there and you're just a beautiful light.

[00:02:06] Colette Brown: And then to also know what you've gone through. I'm holding up a book right now, a widow's guide to healing. You went through a loss. Of your husband at the age of 33, and you also lost your father at the age of five. It's really, the book was an amazing read and I recently had a family member who is my age that lost her husband.

[00:02:29] Colette Brown: And I can say firsthand that it has been really really internally it's hard to not go through it, but to fill somebody else going through it too. What I'd like to do first. is I want people to get to know you a little bit. So can you take us back to childhood? Where was that?

[00:02:47] Colette Brown: And maybe it is the experience with your father and who were you, who was Kristin as a child? 

[00:02:54] Kristin Meekhof: Interestingly, it actually goes back several months prior, I was orphaned. So I was my story has actually been in the media and USA today and things. And so I was orphaned in Korea, and then I was adopted by Jim and Nancy, who are my adoptive parents.

[00:03:09] Kristin Meekhof: And so I actually don't know my birth date, and I've actually never met anybody who shares my DNA. And then two weeks shy of turning five, my father was 30 at the time, and the cancer went undiagnosed and misdiagnosed as something else. And as you said in the intro, he died. So the first widow that I knew was actually my mother.

[00:03:30] Kristin Meekhof: Both sides of my grandparents were alive at the time. And so in the seventies and late seventies, grief and loss wasn't spoken about. And my mother decided shut the door on it, like literally. And so it was never spoken about. I went into kindergarten fatherless and I To my knowledge, my kindergarten teacher told my mother that I was the only one in class who had lost a parent.

[00:03:54] Kristin Meekhof: And that's, the way it should be. We shouldn't have kindergartners who are experiencing grief and loss at that tender of an age. And then My mother remarried when I was about eight, and then I went to Kalamazoo College for undergrad and Cambridge University in England for a foreign study and then completed, as you said in the intro, my master's in social work.

[00:04:19] Kristin Meekhof: And after my husband died in 2007, I read everything I could about grief and loss. Because in 2007, there weren't the smartphones and you didn't have Amazon telling you what to read next. And I was just very curious about how people cope with loss. Everything from broken heart syndrome to the spiritual of impact, the relationships impact with friends and family to work.

[00:04:41] Kristin Meekhof: And I really couldn't find narratives of women. And I didn't care how the loss happened or to who it happened to. It could be, I was interested, in losses. If you lost a spouse, a partner a coworker, I was interested in just how people coped. And so after three years, I realized it was a paucity and really at everything is concerning women.

[00:05:01] Kristin Meekhof: So this was, 2010 when I decided I was going to travel the globe and interview as many women as I could about their stories. So that's what happened. 

[00:05:09] Colette Brown: That's beautiful. It's like a manual, I would say. You go through right into what do you do at first? Here's a checklist and here's some things that you could be filling and what to do on the anniversary.

[00:05:24] Colette Brown: What fillings are going to come up? How long is that going to stay? If you're a friend, how do you speak with somebody that has just lost somebody? In writing this book for you, do you find that it was your a way for you to grieve through it and also create this manual for other widows? At the time, what was your main.

[00:05:46] Colette Brown: Your main focus when you were, when you began this journey? 

[00:05:49] Kristin Meekhof: It was really to listen to women from all different ages and perspectives and care how the loss happened. So I decided to do the narrative approach and I was told that was going to take a very long time, which it did. And I was inspired to do that because I had a chance meeting actually with a Holocaust survivor, Elie Wiesel, who taught me that.

[00:06:07] Kristin Meekhof: One story can change the trajectory really of your life. And so my intent was to help women to know that they're less alone by connecting with the narratives and C. S. Lewis says, we need to know that we're not on your loan. And I felt that grief was very isolating. I know my mother felt it as well.

[00:06:26] Kristin Meekhof: I know from listening to women, the intensity of the isolation really impacted people physically and mentally, spiritually. And so I wrote the book as thematically connected by the theme of healing after loss as possible with standalone chapters. For example, if you're just experiencing something you need or you're reading it for your loved one, there is, as you said, a checklist.

[00:06:50] Kristin Meekhof: Or if you have issues concerning financial, you can go right to the financial chapter or solo parenting. So it's not a book in which you have to read in sequential order to understand. The next chapter. So I was really moved by the women's stories. Women share what got very personal. It's added to that, I have a publisher, but it's not like a whole bunch of narratives And together, but one woman shared about how she found her husband after he had taken his life.

[00:07:17] Kristin Meekhof: Another woman shared how she lost her husband on 9 11. Another woman shared about she was a teacher at the time in elementary school and her husband went skiing on a day that was clear to ski and he lost his life in an avalanche. And she got that phone call that changed everything for her. So these women's stories.

[00:07:37] Kristin Meekhof: Continue to shape the way that I see my own grief and also, as you can imagine people are constantly telling me how they've been shaped by things that happened to them. Their experiences with grief and loss, not just of a spouse or partner, but especially after the pandemic. 

[00:07:52] Colette Brown: What's a common theme that you've found?

[00:07:54] Colette Brown: Was there one thread that kind of wove all of these interviews together as a commonality? That grief is 

[00:08:02] Kristin Meekhof: very isolating. So this cut through whether or not you have children at home or not children at home, whether you're working full time or you're retired or working part time or regardless of financial status or religious affiliation or even educational level.

[00:08:19] Kristin Meekhof: So sometimes people consider certain socioeconomic status. Things to be buffers for that particular type of stress. And it really didn't from the women, excuse me, that I spoke with, it didn't impact them in that way that they were saying the intensity they were not expecting. And when I say not expecting, for example, one woman has has Alzheimer's and so it was a, Is many who have experienced that in their families will say it's a long goodbye.

[00:08:46] Kristin Meekhof: So they know the loss is coming. They don't know exactly when. And so she was able to prepare in some respects, such as. Some financial things some things with her home, her family members were able to support her in ways because they were anticipating that the loss would happen. But then when it did, she said to me actually what happened is when we were talking, it was on the phone.

[00:09:09] Kristin Meekhof: So we weren't doing zoom and I was just letting her share her story. And there were these really long pauses. Actually I wrote about for Deepak recently. I can share the link with you. And at the end of the conversation, I just looked at my phone because I wasn't sure she was done. I didn't want to interrupt her and I thought, and actually I couldn't hear.

[00:09:26] Kristin Meekhof: So I thought perhaps she disconnected the call because she had shared so many things are deeply personal. And she said to me something I'll never forget. She said, you're the first person who listened to my story without interrupting me. And my heart really sank because I knew she'd been in therapy.

[00:09:42] Kristin Meekhof: I knew she had been in a grief support group. I knew that she had spoken with her pastor about. Some of the issues that she faced. And so telling the story I found is very healing for many women. And I think it's the reason why it's so important to be able to [00:10:00] tell one story, whether it's on paper or therapist to a friend, whoever that may be.

[00:10:05] Colette Brown: And I think you also have a part in here that I found I gravitated to and it is along the lines of. Some people don't know how to hold space. They don't know what to say. And it's uncomfortable. And one of the ladies, you said her name was Esther. And you had asked her, I'm just going to read it.

[00:10:26] Colette Brown: In our culture, we want to say something to be nice and kind, but people are really at a loss as to know what we really would be, what really would be nice and kind. Esther 60 explained to us, it would be better if they said something like, I'm at a loss As what to say to you. So I think we can take something like that and express that true feeling of, I'm so sorry, for your loss.

[00:10:54] Colette Brown: And I'm at a loss of what to say to you. Like, how can I be of service? How can I hold space for you? And it might be as simple as, can I just share what happened? And the lady said, you were the first person to listen to the full story of what happened because we might want to interject and ask questions or just really not let them go through and grieve that when they're sharing it with us.

[00:11:17] Kristin Meekhof: It's human nature, I think, to want to try to connect with somebody. So if somebody's sharing, obviously this isn't the same example, but if somebody's sharing, experience at a college and you're. And you chimed in and said, actually, I had the exact same thing happen to me. It's interesting that, you mentioned that because that's developing in connection as a way to engage with somebody to offer something thoughtful.

[00:11:40] Kristin Meekhof: However, with grief and loss, depending on the person and how well you know them, or even if it is somebody that you know very well, and perhaps your Thinking I know everything about this person. There's nothing they can tell me just listening and letting them share whatever is on their heart is often very therapeutic because they have heard enough judgments, criticisms, their own inner voice.

[00:12:04] Kristin Meekhof: And so it may surprise you how well you actually know someone when they begin to share openly and without fear of being judged, 

[00:12:13] Colette Brown: And when you were going through these interviews and writing this book, at what point was it for you? If it wasn't before, did you have that? Kind of moment of, I don't know if it's to say closure, but peace or like just like the healing, like your cup is filling and you're filling maybe supported herd and you're finding concrete evidence now to share with others so that they can apply it on their journey.

[00:12:41] Colette Brown: Was there a moment like that for you? 

[00:12:43] Kristin Meekhof: I don't think that there was one moment. I think what happened is the more. I was listening to women sharing and still to this day, because I think it's a misconception that healing fully takes place. It doesn't. And I think that's often the problem when one goes into therapy is that they look at it like a physical about the fractures happen.

[00:13:06] Kristin Meekhof: Please put this back together and I'm going to go on a certain point. And it doesn't really happen that way. It's been over 40 years since, actually over 45 years since I've lost my father. So I can say in my experience with over four decades, obviously many seasons of my life have happened things.

[00:13:24] Kristin Meekhof: That you learn to cope in different ways with the loss. So learning to manage the grief is really the biggest, I think, take home message. And that when women understand or men whoever is going through it. For me, I'm talking about women because that's who I spoke with when they began to understand that was grief is like an amputation.

[00:13:43] Kristin Meekhof: It's the, You learn to live with it and manage it, then it actually becomes more manageable because when you're trying to suppress it and you think that something's wrong because the sadness is still there or the loss can creep up every once in a while, that's when, women can say to themselves something must be wrong with me.

[00:14:00] Kristin Meekhof: I'm doing something wrong. And that of course can intensify the feelings of sorrow. 

[00:14:06] Colette Brown: And were there ever any moments. That, that would come up that this is something, this is a piece of advice that I want to give to women who still have their partner, like this is some advice to give them for today so that they just don't take advantage of these precious moments because you never know when it's the last.

[00:14:30] Kristin Meekhof: I would think that, especially I know in, I was married because, you referenced my husband, but for the spouse or partner, whoever, however, like whatever language you may use is that to focus on what the person is doing, right? Not wrong. Because many times we tend to be in a critic.

[00:14:49] Kristin Meekhof: And then obviously it becomes verbalized or even in body language. And when you focus on what the person is doing right, instead of what they're doing wrong, you begin to see things much differently through a different lens. 

[00:15:00] Colette Brown: I think that's true in life, right? When we start focusing more on the beauty of why are things happening for us versus why are they happening to us?

[00:15:10] Colette Brown: Because that is a rabbit hole that we could go down and it can drive out anybody crazy. So I think that's such great advice. And what, who was your favorite? I think you mentioned her, but was she your favorite interview of all the women or was there somebody that resonated with you more than others?

[00:15:30] Kristin Meekhof: The first one that, that stood out only because she's the first person that actually left this, my home state at the time it was Michigan to travel, meaning out, as I'm saying, out of state was to Boston. I interviewed, and she uses a first and last name in the books. I'm not violent confidentiality is Christy Coombs.

[00:15:47] Kristin Meekhof: So she, her husband was on one of the planes that went into the real or the plane, obviously went to the real train center and he died. And what struck me about that? And then I saw her. In person. After the interview as well is her capacity to see the big picture right away. And the story, it is in the book of how she went about that, but she was able to, and I don't know how she was able to, she had three young children at home at the time, but one is very intentional about how she wanted her children to see loss.

[00:16:20] Kristin Meekhof: And it wasn't out of, we're going to feel sorry for ourselves, or there's going to be a time of pity. It was very much this is what I want to teach my children about that. And that all happened within hours. She got a knock on the door and, you then was actually looking for the bus. I think she said she was living in cul de sac at the time and, wanted the the authorities to leave.

[00:16:40] Kristin Meekhof: Because she didn't want them to, the children to go off the bus and to see. And there she wanted to be able to tell them what had happened to their father and had an immediate plan as to how they're going to put their loss into a positive action. Wow. 

[00:16:54] Colette Brown: And that's where I guess life experiences and hard things that happen to us and we can apply them in real life.

[00:17:02] Colette Brown: And we also need to, I think really be open to experiences that we maybe personally haven't experienced or learning, reading new things because it just, it enriches our lives. And when we can touch and experience things and collectively and nourish each other's souls through books like yours I think it's so meaningful.

[00:17:28] Colette Brown: I wanted to read another. This is your chapter eight. The best advice I never got things widows need to know. And this one is Marcy 61. And she said, don't lean on others, accept love and understanding, but don't make anyone, especially your children feel that they can't go on with their own lives. At first I was taking my kids.

[00:17:53] Colette Brown: I was talking to my kids too much about what I was feeling, but I realized this wasn't fair for them. And I stopped. So what was that conversation like? 

[00:18:03] Kristin Meekhof: I think, to be fair, because, each woman was at a different point, and then I was, there's some leg time and then the book comes out.

[00:18:10] Colette Brown: Yeah. 

[00:18:11] Kristin Meekhof: So Marcy wasn't alone. It's just that her words were, the only ones that went to print, if I'm making sense. So many resonated with that statement in different ways when I would bring that up. So what happened, and I saw this. time, even with my own mother, since she was a widow, as I, as I explained is that sometimes parents, adults, so sometimes it's not even a parent.

[00:18:34] Kristin Meekhof: It could be other types of relationships as well. We'll lean into the children and. It can become very unhealthy because grief and loss are adult issues and as adults, we have our own struggles and challenges with accepting it. And because grief and loss is an adult issue, leaning into your children, as Marcy was indicating, was what was actually happening.

[00:18:55] Kristin Meekhof: And I think that I know from my, and I can only speak from my own personal experience because I wasn't a parent and I didn't, lose a child or excuse me, a spouse or a child or anybody. I didn't lost my husband, my father is that when my mother leaned into me, not realizing what she was doing wasn't intentional, but I was an only child.

[00:19:15] Kristin Meekhof: So the relationship was very intense. Because I was literally the only one around that I was absorbing without her realizing her adult problems. And so she would, because we didn't have a lot of money at the time, she was a solo parent if there was, if she would go out to lunch or whatever with her friend and she worked she would bring me.

[00:19:38] Kristin Meekhof: And it wasn't as if it was, to an inappropriate adult, club or something, but she would just, bring, and I would sit there and I would read a book or an iPad or whatever, but I was listening and I was absorbing all of this information. And. I was relating to her, at a much different level than I was chronologically.

[00:19:55] Kristin Meekhof: And I think it's just important that we know that children, whatever ages [00:20:00] they are absorbing it, whether or not they're verbalizing it to you or not. So whether or not they're, engaging with you actively in the conversation, ask you questions. It doesn't mean that they're not aware. And they're also very aware of how you're feeling.

[00:20:14] Kristin Meekhof: So they may not see that you're having a bad day and trying to conceal it or whatever it might be. But kids can pick up on and I guess it's my message 

[00:20:24] Colette Brown: Just to be aware. Yeah. That's important. You also, you mentioned earlier, but there's also a chapter in here facing finances without fear.

[00:20:32] Colette Brown: And I think that for couples that are together still, and then the dialogue of money You can get intimate in the bedroom, but not talk about finances. It just doesn't make sense in my head at wherever you're at. But I think it's so important for people that are still together as a couple, maybe, or as a family unit to talk about finances.

[00:20:58] Colette Brown: And maybe this is something that they could read too, but you also go into ways of post losing a spouse and. And having to sit with that and figure out, okay, where am I at? Not only emotionally, but now I have to think about finances. So share us, share with us a little bit about that. 

[00:21:15] Kristin Meekhof: So interestingly that is besides the solo parenting chapter, that's the most read chapter.

[00:21:20] Kristin Meekhof: And that's based on what people have told me over and over. And I was actually asked we talked about Manhattan before we started recording that, but actually, I spoke at a private bank event there for ultra high wealth professionals who, Excuse me, professionals who handle clients who are considered in the ultra wealthy tax bracket, I guess you would say, and they even said that their clients, when we talk about women, simply did not know and understand what they did and did not have when it came to their assets and disposable income and losses and things that would surprise actually did just surprise them.

[00:21:57] Kristin Meekhof: So you're exactly right. We women can become intimate on many levels, physically, sexually, emotionally. But when it comes to financially, even with themselves, exactly they lie to themselves because for whatever reason, they don't think that they're worthy enough. To be able to step up their game and look at what their finances are.

[00:22:18] Kristin Meekhof: So I said finances with fear because that's really what I have found when I was talking with the women listening to them is the anxiety over even logging into the account. Some women didn't even know what the passwords were to even see the balances or understand, how much they did or did not have, even just a particular account wasn't even that, There was a threat of some, some kind of like a shutoff notice or anything.

[00:22:42] Kristin Meekhof: They developed what they would say they got, they felt like they're gonna have a hot flash, they were gonna, have to have guidance, sorting through all this. And it goes back to women really not believing that they're worthy of knowing and being paid more. And it goes back to understanding what their worth is and being able to be very solid and secure in the numbers.

[00:23:06] Colette Brown: I think that's a narrative that We can change and being transparent, even with our children. I can tell you in a financial perspective, I don't just give my kids a credit card. They get an allotment that goes toward clothing or towards their dining out, whatever it is, and it runs out. And they have to budget it because when you get into the real world as a child or if you're in a real world situation and you just have a credit card and you just spend and you don't know what you pay for rent and what you pay for utilities and what you pay for health insurance and your cars and your policies and all that.

[00:23:43] Colette Brown: It is a, it's a shock to the system. And so I think we can really do due diligence about having these real raw, authentic conversations with not just our spouse, but our children. And really I think as I want to challenge moms with your children and especially daughters talk to them and empower them to this authentic conversation around money and, You know what that looks like when they get into the world and so that they're not caught off guard.

[00:24:14] Kristin Meekhof: No, I absolutely agree with you. Women will say things like I didn't want to I can ask for a raise for our department, but I can't ask for a raise for myself, or I can advocate for a colleague to get a raise or a bonus, whatever it may be. But when it comes to myself, I'm just settling for what I.

[00:24:33] Kristin Meekhof: Think I deserve, or I don't go and apply for another position or submit my resume for consideration because I don't match two to three qualifications, even though they know they have the experience and that goes back to feeling worthy. And we know that women, even in leadership roles, have struggled with asking for more when it comes to financial compensation.

[00:24:58] Kristin Meekhof: And we also expect, I'm sorry. 

[00:25:00] Colette Brown: Oh, I was just going to say, do you have any advice for women who are having trouble finding their voices? And. Yeah. And I think it's really important for people to be able to speak for themselves because we're really good at advocating for our sisters, right? But when it comes for us, like it's a little bit harder.

[00:25:18] Colette Brown: So do you have some advice there? 

[00:25:20] Kristin Meekhof: One of the things I did, especially with the book. So before it was sold and I had to. Try to get an agent and everything. So this is a different way to answer it, though, is that if I didn't believe in myself, because there was, I'm not an English major, I didn't have a background in publishing anything.

[00:25:35] Kristin Meekhof: I never stopped believing in my message. Even if I didn't always believe that I could get this forward, because there were moments of doubt. And I think women sometimes think I'm like faking and I'm not being authentic. If I'm, saying I'm, can now sometimes the actions do, we talk about actions, speaking louder than words when we start to act a particular way in charge, knowing our worth internally, we're able to communicate that and it does take practice.

[00:26:04] Kristin Meekhof: I've had, I've role played, for example, with other women. And as silly as that sounds, these stumbling kind of awkward moments when women learn to ride it out to the benefits, women become very emotionally attached to something often. And that's just sometimes the way that women think about a particular number, whether it's buying a car or even buying something that comes to be an impulse buy.

[00:26:30] Kristin Meekhof: And so sometimes it's literally knowing that you are worth whatever number you have in mind. And that's part of. Actually practicing it in different ways. So when women practice their worth in different ways, it is, it does become easier to practice it then when it comes to something financially.

[00:26:50] Colette Brown: This is really good. And you said role play and I, it made me smile because my daughter, my younger daughter, when she was little, She was very empowered and she had no problem speaking in her mind. My older daughter had a little bit of a harder time, but we used to role play and we would give her situations back to where, she was.

[00:27:13] Colette Brown: She was just, pushing her way through without considering other people. And so we did it very gently of let's see what that feels like to the other person that's receiving it. And you can also flip that if you don't have a voice and you're asking for something, it also can feel a little bit weird.

[00:27:31] Colette Brown: And so I think that's powerful, Kristin. That's Really powerful that you said that. I like that. 

[00:27:37] Kristin Meekhof: It actually, there's lots of psychological benefits to it as well, but having someone who is in, when I say role play, it's not just with your family and friends because friends and family tend to say yeah, that was a good answer.

[00:27:48] Kristin Meekhof: You're trying so hard. Okay. Let's go out to dinner. Yeah. So while it may seem awkward and tough if you have a consultant, whoever it is, it's better to get those. awkward moments and the stressful moments out with somebody when it's not the actual interview, or you're not having the actual conversation, or you're preparing the email type of thing, because believe it or not that, as with interviews, for example, that's when people advance the next round when they're able to communicate things.

[00:28:17] Colette Brown: It is. And just to to go a different way, because my program is It's all about wellness and I love to know what people do as their non negotiable. So what are some things in your life that you have found that you do not veer off? This is a daily non negotiable for you. 

[00:28:37] Kristin Meekhof: I 

[00:28:37] Colette Brown: think 

[00:28:37] Kristin Meekhof: one of the things that I've done consistently is graduate.

[00:28:41] Kristin Meekhof: So my late husband, actually, before we were even married and this is, before texting, he suggested that we exchanged gratitude lists over email. And I was not for this idea. I thought, I'm like, are you watching Oprah? What's going on? I don't have time for this. What, like, why would we do that?

[00:28:59] Kristin Meekhof: I was really thinking I thought I knew you, like, where is this coming from? So we started exchanging, gratitude. list over the email and he would say things like, I think you can do better because it would be the same five days every day, cause I, I was like I have a career goal.

[00:29:13] Kristin Meekhof: I don't have time to be typing out my gratitude for you. And then what happened is when we, after the diagnosis and he was in a wheelchair, we were sitting at a table in a common area, actually. And I was sitting next to him. He grabbed my hand and he said, we need to, we need to resume our gratitude lists again.

[00:29:29] Kristin Meekhof: And he started to say all the things that he was grateful for, that I was able to navigate. We were at the university of Michigan hospitals, a very big hospital, my place around that he was grateful that they were able to get us in for a particular test very early. And then he said, I'm, we, and then we have each other and after he died.

[00:29:46] Kristin Meekhof: I was sitting in bed one evening, and I remember sitting there and looking over at the nightside table. I didn't realize this, but his spiral notebook was sitting there. And I don't know, this is closely to the day of the funeral. And I picked it up, and [00:30:00] I opened it, and I realized that he had kept his gratitude journal almost until the day that he went to hospice.

[00:30:05] Kristin Meekhof: He was still writing gratitude. I didn't, I had no knowledge of this, even though I was, the primary caretaker and everything. And I knew at that moment, if there was one thing that I could do to turn around my feelings of just utter despair, it was to resume the gratitude list. And what that had me do is that each day.

[00:30:29] Kristin Meekhof: Even though I was alone and I was not, in the great space mentally, I would look for things to be grateful for. 

[00:30:37] Colette Brown: So 

[00:30:37] Kristin Meekhof: it changes the mindset. And so a very small thing, somebody that unexpectedly actually, asked me to coffee or somebody unexpectedly dropped off a meal or somebody unexpectedly sent me an email or a card.

[00:30:51] Kristin Meekhof: And these small things. Help me to see that there are still things that are good in the world. So it's a good small things when we focus on them that really, as I said, can change the way, small good things. Make a big difference. 

[00:31:06] Colette Brown: That's beautiful. And I'm a big proponent of gratitude journals and because we do have those dark days and sometimes it is hard to think, what am I grateful for?

[00:31:17] Colette Brown: But when you're, when you flex that muscle and you've exercised it I can say one for myself. Yesterday, I was walking the dog and I saw this beautiful grass just. It was flowing in the wind and the light was shining through and I was mesmerized. And I thought, I am so lucky to be in this moment and seeing this beautiful grass in, in the wind flowing.

[00:31:43] Colette Brown: And it just, it warmed my heart because I'm training myself to focus on the things that we can find gratitude in. And they can be so small. It can be, like the beautiful, you look gorgeous in the color that you're wearing. I think that's, it's a very happy, beautiful, warm, like burnt orange kind of color.

[00:32:01] Colette Brown: It's gorgeous. And it's like a happiness color to me. I love it. So we can train ourselves to really just be in the moment and we, because we never know. And your husband it was almost intuitively that he just, He was like, let's be grateful. Let me give you this gift without knowing where we're right.

[00:32:23] Colette Brown: We're 

[00:32:23] Kristin Meekhof: talking back in 2002, before things became like trendy or there were hashtag social media and this is, and I still have those emails. They were a great gift because I'll never get that back. And I think that, excuse me, that time back. And I think that really also helped me to handle the loss better.

[00:32:46] Kristin Meekhof: And that's practicing gratitude, but knowing how accepting he was of the diagnosis and not angry and not bitter about it. And I think it, It's more difficult, of course, when somebody has a chip on their shoulder, or you're working with them, and they seem to be a critic all the time, and you're thinking, there's nothing grateful here in this situation, how, how, what's going on.

[00:33:06] Kristin Meekhof: So sometimes if it's not in that situation I tell people to look outside of it, and as you said, like you saw in nature or you, or maybe, your daughter said something that was, utterly hilarious, it has nothing to do with the rest of the, the situation that you're finding stressful, but those small things.

[00:33:22] Colette Brown: It is. It's the small things that are important. One thing that I love to ask all my guests at the end is if this was your last message that you had to broadcast out to the world, what would it be? 

[00:33:36] Kristin Meekhof: That my late husband taught me that gratitude is the answer to nearly every question.

[00:33:41] Colette Brown: That's deep. Can you repeat that one more time? 

[00:33:43] Kristin Meekhof: I said my late husband taught me that gratitude is the answer to nearly every question.

[00:33:48] Colette Brown: And what does that mean to you? 

[00:33:50] Kristin Meekhof: It means that although I didn't understand, for example, why my father died when I was known only five, I was, I'm very grateful that I had my paternal grandmother who essentially helped to raise me because my mother was working. So my relationship with her was much different.

[00:34:09] Kristin Meekhof: We were very close. And that's what I'm very grateful for. That happened as a result, unfortunately, of our family's loss. But that closeness that I have with her is something that I'm very grateful for. 

[00:34:23] Colette Brown: That's beautiful. Kristin you're a beautiful light in this world. And I am so grateful that our paths crossed and I understand why they did.

[00:34:32] Colette Brown: And you have so much to give and teach and share. And your experiences are a light that are helping us. In the future and through your words, your work that you're doing. And I would encourage people if you. Even if you haven't lost somebody close I think most people have, but this book is just such a powerful tool, a widow's guide to healing and grab it.

[00:34:59] Colette Brown: And if you haven't lost somebody, you'll know somebody that has lost someone. And this is a beautiful gift. And while we were talking, I was thinking about people in my life. I've had. Since COVID, I think I've lost about nine people and yes, and it's a real thing of, loss and so I'm, I was just thinking in the list of all the people I want to send your book to that, that have Lost someone.

[00:35:23] Colette Brown: And this is a resource it's pretty, there's a heart on it. It's just soothing. And and the words inside are what really grip you. So check it out. Where can people find you? 

[00:35:36] Kristin Meekhof: I'm on Instagram and it's Krista Meko, K-R-I-S-T-I-N-M-E-E-K-H-O-F.

[00:35:44] Kristin Meekhof: And I also have a website, but the gram, as I say is the easiest for me. Thank you. 

[00:35:50] Colette Brown: Very good. Very much. 

[00:35:51] Kristin Meekhof: I'm honored to be here with you. 

[00:35:53] Colette Brown: It's an honor to have you. I'm going to post your socials in the notes and the name of your book, and what's the best link that you want people to go to get your book?

[00:36:04] Colette Brown: It's on the Harvard bookstore. It's on Amazon. It's on Barnes and Noble. Wherever you buy your books. Is there anything else that you would like to add today, Kristin?

[00:36:11] Kristin Meekhof: No, thank you so much. I'm very grateful that we happened next to each other. As Deepak says, there are no coincidences. 

[00:36:17] Colette Brown: That's right. And he brought us together. Thank you so much, Kristin. I appreciate it. Thank you everyone for listening and until next time, be well.