Dadpuzzles
Crafting a Legacy of Meaningful Family Conversations with Expert Insights
When the complexities of fatherhood intersect with the delicate art of communication, transformation begins. Our latest guest, Ms. Domenique Harrison, brings to the table a wealth of expertise in race and relationship therapy, advocating for the pivotal role fathers play in shaping family dynamics. Through an engaging narrative that weaves her personal journey into the broader landscape of societal change, she opens our eyes to the power of self-reflection and conversation.
During the episode, we unearth the significance of digging into our familial roots, as Harrison steers us toward intentional communication. She presents us with the innovative tool of conversation decks, a catalyst for meaningful dialogue, and practical advice on engaging with our children about race. It's a testament to the notion that the mastery of open dialogue requires ongoing effort, much like any craft that we cherish and seek to perfect.
As we wrap up, our focus shifts to the courageous act of owning our errors, especially in the realm of co-parenting and self-care. Ms. Harrison doesn't shy away from the tough topics, addressing the healing potential of therapy and mediation to navigate the intricacies of separated families. By the close of our conversation, we're left with a roadmap to becoming not just better fathers but also more enriched community members, all underscored by the invitation to further explore these themes through dadpuzzle.com.
When the complexities of fatherhood intersect with the delicate art of communication, transformation begins. Our latest guest, Ms. Domenique Harrison, brings to the table a wealth of expertise in race and relationship therapy, advocating for the pivotal role fathers play in shaping family dynamics. Through an engaging narrative that weaves her personal journey into the broader landscape of societal change, she opens our eyes to the power of self-reflection and conversation.
During the episode, we unearth the significance of digging into our familial roots, as Harrison steers us toward intentional communication. She presents us with the innovative tool of conversation decks, a catalyst for meaningful dialogue, and practical advice on engaging with our children about race. It's a testament to the notion that the mastery of open dialogue requires ongoing effort, much like any craft that we cherish and seek to perfect.
As we wrap up, our focus shifts to the courageous act of owning our errors, especially in the realm of co-parenting and self-care. Ms. Harrison doesn't shy away from the tough topics, addressing the healing potential of therapy and mediation to navigate the intricacies of separated families. By the close of our conversation, we're left with a roadmap to becoming not just better fathers but also more enriched community members, all underscored by the invitation to further explore these themes through dadpuzzle.com.
Welcome to Dad Puzzles Everything Dad. If you're questioning yourself about dad functions, duties and life in general, you've come to the right place. Parenthood can be tough. Learning to juggle caring for your baby with your career and also keeping things fresh with your partner can be a struggle, but we're here to make things easier with helpful tips for making the most of your situation. Being a dad may seem like a puzzle, but it's one you can definitely solve. Now here's your host, dr Suleiman Ijani.
Speaker 2:Welcome to Dad Puzzles podcast. Today we have a remarkable guest joining us, Dominique Harrison, a trailblazer in the field of race and relationship therapy. Her journey is really inspiring and her work is dedicated to empowering fathers and families through open and constructive conversations. So I don't want to talk much about her. I would like to have her. Please share with us who she is and stuff. Please welcome.
Speaker 3:Oh, thank you. Thank you so much for having me. So, like you said, I'm Dominique. Y'all can call me Dom. That's folks who I'm in community call me Dom. I hail from New Jersey, but I've been living in Los Angeles for the last seven years. A lot of the work that I do now is really to support folks to learn more about who they are at all identity levels, but also to develop and constructively grow in their relationships. I love this work. It feels really empowering and intentional, and I really do to work with families. I like to work with couples, I like to work across generations, I like to work specifically across multi racial identity groups and essentially, at the end of the day, I really help folks to communicate better, and through better communication, through more communication that has more integrity, folks just become better humans.
Speaker 2:That's beautiful, thank you, thank you, so yeah, so I look forward to asking you several questions so we can learn a little bit more about this, because I think, like you said, the communication is really the most important aspect. All this divorce, the problems, is just communication. The wars, the love, I think it's all communication. So this is very important. So what inspired you into becoming a trailblazer in the race and relationship therapy?
Speaker 3:Hmm, I've always been tied and connected to race and relationships. I remember I've been doing this work for the last 10, 15 years, but I remember in college I was actually way beyond that, like when I was in middle school I loved history and I loved learning about my own history and I love learning about the history of black folks and from there that just jettisoned me into this space. I went on to college and I did a lot of. I was a history major. I did some. I did some really interesting things on Lynch reporting and I talked a lot about some histories that we don't know and how it was told to us, received and connected to our community. I actually went on to get a public health degree and I did a lot of work in community, specifically community crisis, to support folks in the middle of a challenge or disaster. But for me the transition happened when I knew I wanted to have or see more of the individual needs be met. One-on-one connection to folks. Like community oriented work is always powerful and lovely and you get to see long-term impact. But I was really curious about how to see some of the things that I'm really looking forward to, which is change, connection, building consciousness on a one-on-one basis, so actually transitioned out of the community public health space, got my degree in clinical psychology at Pepperdine and then I just worked from there.
Speaker 3:I knew there was something missing when it came to my learning. We didn't talk much about history. We didn't talk much about our bodies. We didn't talk about how to effectively communicate from a place of integrity. We didn't talk much about how to have and continue to do the necessary things that allow us to have healthy relational risk. And I just did a lot of external learning. I read a lot of books, which I continue to do. I love reading and that led me to a place where I was working a lot with folks on practicing, having and exploring challenging conversations, and it was fun. It's hard work sometimes, but it's something that I really value. I love giving folks an opportunity to explore what is it that's holding them back from having a great conversation with their family, with their partners, with their friends, and really just inviting them into growth opportunities, inviting them to take a healthy risk and to know that on the other side of it, they've done something really remarkable.
Speaker 2:Oh, that's beautiful. So, like with you experience, how do you see dads in terms of the context of the family, therapy and maintaining those healthy dynamics? How do you see the role of dads, please?
Speaker 3:Yeah. So dads to me are as important as any person in the family system, but what I think one thing I think is really important is that if you know you want to be a dad and you are already in a relationship with someone you'd like to partner with and continue to see and build a family, I think you should have as many conversations as you need to talk about what type of dad you want to be. One of the things that I think a lot of like societal narratives do is limit us about what it means to be a dad. I think the best thing you can do is to have conversations about who you want to be as a dad and have that conversation with the potential partner or partners you're in space with. Explore what it means for them to be a mom or another partner or another dad.
Speaker 3:I think the importance is talk about who you want to be, think about who you want to be and start to put in action to behave that way. I think I also think tap into your history. Who was your dad? How was he to you? Was your dad present? Who was your dad's dad? Who was your grandfather? What were some of the, the themes, the patterns, the interactions like, and what are some of the things you want to take on and actually continue to embody and what are some of the things you want to let go and be intentional about saying yes to some things and saying no to other things.
Speaker 2:Oh, that's beautiful, and I think once people take the trouble to do all that homework, I think they will eliminate all the unnecessary stuff right, because sometimes you have people, they have all these different expectations, and then something happens and oops, sorry, I did not expect you to do these, or, like I did not, the expectations of the mom and dad is totally different and then they end up breaking up because they did not come, they did not share all these things in advance. So this is a good idea, absolutely. Thank you, yeah, so this is as we can see, the communication is really key. So how can we improve our communication skills with our partners, with our children as well, so that we can be better?
Speaker 3:I think moral of the story is practice. I always talk to my clients about this. I say growing up, you practice the things that you valued, whether it was art, sports, music, something like a competition. You always put in time and effort into it and you didn't stop after years even when you were good, right.
Speaker 3:You continue to put in practice and work to continue to see yourself grow. That is the same thing we should do in conversations. Somewhere along the lines we didn't make the connection. That's what we should do, and one of the things that I am very intentional about when it comes to the work that I do with clients is helping them to practice. Practice the hard conversations, and telling them and supporting them through different strategies and things that they can take home with them to practice. I'm always inviting folks it's not so much homework, it's life work. It's the opportunity to really connect and do something different. More often than not, though, it's the invitation to be more curious.
Speaker 3:When we don't talk, we lean into assumptions. Assumptions are limitations. Assumptions don't tell the full story, and even though we know we might know our partners well, we might know our children well, allow them to tell you the story of how they're feeling, experiencing, thinking and doing. I think that's super important. So a few things. So practice. Absolutely. I think you need to explore for yourself and learn what does communication mean to you, how do you communicate, and is that a way in which your partner communicates, in a way in which your kids communicate, and then also learn how they communicate and explore where you all meet in the middle. Give yourself more curiosity than individuality. Be consistent around collective community bridging as opposed to I'm going to make this all about me and then learn to take risk in communication. Grab a couple of conversations decks and start asking one another questions. Make it actually a ritual or a grounding principle that you all set a set a set apart time to talk through things.
Speaker 2:Oh, nice. Actually, that was my next question because I was wondering how did you come up with a conversation desk like a deck, because you wanted to to help people to explore the race and the relationships. How did you come up with this very clever project?
Speaker 3:Yes, Essentially, the conversations deck is exactly what I give to my clients in therapy, but in a deck and it's the I ask a lot of questions that lead to curiosity More than anything. I think a lot of times we focus on having an answer. It's not actually about an answer. Yes, questions lead to answers, but these discussion questions are an opportunity to explore and to find out what you don't know, and then start the journey towards that learning, and then invite family, friends, partners, kids alongside with you on that journey. The conversation deck itself, though, is three decks. It's it's opportunity to build consciousness. It's literally broken up into three decks of conscious, more conscious and most conscious, and the topic areas are community and care, play and rest, love and intimacy and work and finances all things that are really important to talk about that sometimes we don't know how to start the conversation. Allow me to do it. I give you the questions to start and explore, and it's just a great way to learn more about yourself and to learn more about folks you are talking to.
Speaker 2:Well, that's very beautiful and I think this will help to build a muscle of just the communication in general. Because I think there's a stigma where some people they will assume that let's say some people they don't Like other people will not really listen to them. They'll just listen to answer, not listen to understand. So hopefully this will help to fix all that by being more communicative. But this is I think this is beautiful. So how can you help us? Because sometimes we have the issue of race and we try to discuss with our kids about race and sometimes you don't know what's the best way to come across with them. How do we do that?
Speaker 3:First, I think, take the pressure off. Having we have created this narrative that talking about race and our identities is hard. First, what's telling you that it's hard? That you've never done it, that you don't have questions to start the conversations, that you are not feeling the most perfect you need to be about all the things you know. I think, more than anything, conversations with our kids should be the most curious, the most nuanced, and so I just say, start having them. Get some books, get some age-appropriate books that are about race. Learn some things on your own, learn some things with your children. Maybe make it actually a time that you designate weekly, monthly, to talk about these stories and things, but also be self-exploratory. If it's hard, it's because you haven't tapped into it for yourself.
Speaker 3:And, more than anything, what helps us for the future generations? What helps us in the current, is to get to know our past, what we don't know, and also be comfortable naming that we don't know things, but also start the journey to learn them. If your kids are asking, our job is not to fulfill every single answer that a kid asks us, right, it's actually just to invite in more curiosity and to not tampen down their curiosity. So, I think, just start having them. There's so many great resources out there, and I think that's the thing that I'm more curious is, I would feel not scared to have the conversations, but be overwhelmed with the plethora of information that I can tap into. So just start to whittle down the list of resources. Start to read books together with your kids. Start to watch really supportive television that is both emotionally engaging, has emotional depth, but doesn't just shy away from the big emotional issues and also give yourself compassion, because mistakes are going to happen. You don't have to be perfect in these conversations.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. I think one of the worry that I can see here will be a person that is worrying about the political correctness. You don't want to be in a situation where your child does something really or say something that is not appropriate and stuff. I think that's why it's necessary to have these talks, so that they can be aware of all these things.
Speaker 3:And then allow your kids to bring forth what they're learning in school and talk about it. Create more space to see if it actually is the full story that they're learning in school and, if not, add on, be curious with them. We don't need to make them feel bad about the things that they learn or the things that they don't know. But also I understand why we do that, because we have shame ourselves about what we do or do not know. So I just say, to challenge the shame that comes up and challenge the anxiety that comes up, because it's not actually a threat, it's discomfort, and discomfort we can live with, we can move through it.
Speaker 2:Absolutely Okay. The issue about conflict we have the conflict in any family is said. So how do you help folks with that? How can we be effective in like resolving those issues?
Speaker 3:Yeah, so conflict is common. My goal is not to say I'm going to teach you how to not have conflict. Conflict is actually a part of relationships. So if you think about it, it's. We have moments of harmony, we have moments of disharmony, and the thing that I think people need help on is the repair. Now, what we get to do when repair is to check in with ourselves. Are we being kind? Are we being respectful? Are we sharing things that are necessary? Are we being curious? Are we inviting nuance, thinking for ourselves, our children and our family? And if we're seeing extended conflict, it's just that we're not giving ourselves the opportunity to stand in our integrity and share that something is going on.
Speaker 3:Conflict continues when there's resentment that's built up, when there's unresolved trauma triggering that we haven't talked about. Conflict continues when we go quiet after something big happens. Always return to conversations, even if you feel like you don't have an answer. Return to the conversation and name like hey, I thought about it and I don't have an answer, but I do want to name that I can hear your perspective more and I want to say thank you Conflict. Another thing that's really important about conflict is we need to start to build our capacity for apology. We need to build self-compassion within ourselves, because in order to give compassion to the people in your life, you need to have it first, and we also really just need to be more intentional and not let things just slide past us.
Speaker 2:Okay, okay. Yeah, us growing up it was where like your parents would say something and that's it, like you could challenge by asking questions. That's great, but nowadays you have where kids they will not even bother to ask and they will just like straight up being very negative or just not even responding to you. So how do you deal with that? I'm sure some folks they face those kind of situations.
Speaker 3:I think it's getting to know what's happening for that child, that they're not being responsive or they're like something's happening If you're having a conversation with a child and they're not responding or they're not caring of you, compassionate of you, or listening and respecting you. Are you giving them those things? Are you compassionate, respectful, caring, communicative with them? Also, realize age appropriate behaviors happen, right. So the younger a child is, they might not want to respond because they don't know what to say.
Speaker 3:Right, like you don't have to put so much pressure on a child for not speaking or doing something, and also remember our children are our children, they are not their behaviors. If you say that children don't want to listen, you then just say my child, just she doesn't listen. She's that one child that doesn't listen. You're already creating a very limiting narrative about who your child can be until she is in that moment, or who they are in that moment, and just strip that language away. Just start to think more about what's going on in your child's environment. What happened to them at school? What happened between them and their siblings? What happened? Did they get hurt? Are they hungry? Did they not sleep well? There's so many reasons why you might feel like your child is not responding, and so just be thoughtful, just be bringing in all those perspectives.
Speaker 2:Okay, yeah, this is actually a very good point because it links into my next question, because the whole issue of self-awareness sometimes we can be we don't know that we don't know. So you have folks that, let's say, like you mentioned, like you're not familiar about the different age groups, how people behave, or you might have an idea, but you just maybe don't know much about that. Is that a guess? That comes into the point where sometimes you would wish that people would have a license before having the child so that we could be told, like, by the way, at this age, this is what happened and you're supposed to be XYZ. But people don't have any of that knowledge and they carry their own drama and I don't know cost-tupidity, like all those things. They carry that with them and then they inflict that on the kids. So I think this is a good point. So how can we fix our self-awareness so that we don't have any of these biases? I'm sorry.
Speaker 3:Yeah. So I think fixing I'd say building our self-awareness is about learning the things that we didn't learn during childhood, in adulthood, giving ourselves time to reconnect to our community, to our family, to ourselves. What are the things you like? What are the things you don't like? Are you emotionally shut down? Do you know how you feel the things around?
Speaker 3:What's really important around self-awareness is that you're learning.
Speaker 3:When you're not self-aware, you are static, right, you're stuck in a moment or you are stuck in a past version of you.
Speaker 3:So self-awareness is just about building greater curiosity and it also it's about you're probably living in threat, and what I mean by that is you're probably living into more of your first conscious way of living, which is fight, flight or freeze, and you're just surviving, not thriving, and what that does it's you're living into limitation. Essentially, the best thing you can do for yourself is to start to get curious about what you don't know. It's not so much about answering all the questions that you have about your life. It's about asking yourself questions and allowing space for it to be revealed to you. Also, connecting to the people in your life that know you. Ask them what they think of you and if there are things that they say that you don't like. Then get introspective and explore how you can put more emphasis and effort into the things that you do and build up. It's like practice, right, it's like you get those emotional reps in to be what you need to be. Oh, absolutely.
Speaker 2:This is amazing Normally in terms of, from your experiences, what are some common challenges that you observe in relationships in terms of the race and identity? I think this maybe can come into maybe if you have different race married together or just interactions in school, et cetera. What have you observed?
Speaker 3:In any relationship there is power imbalances, right, there's power differentials. The narrative that we've been taught is that we should have power over something rather than power with, and so most times, most folks come to me because they're in between that place. They don't know how to actively support their partner themselves and to grow in the relationship, because they're caught in these very limiting narratives that society has created for us. Also, it's a lot of resentment. There's a lot of assumptions that are being made. No one's having conversations about how you're feeling. We're living years in silence, not actually asking what each other needs.
Speaker 3:I also think one of the biggest things that I notice often is that and this is I know I'm saying some broader things, but this is actually specific to how it shows up in all areas when we have this really challenging narrative that we're holding, which is a divide and conquer one. But we have to be right. I'm better than you. Individualism over collectivism, all the time right, the I over the we, and so when we live that way, all we're doing is we are stripping away our opportunity to grow, to be curious, to connect, to ask questions, to learn more about ourselves, because we are more focused on scarcity or fixed ways of living than curious growth mindsets and like thriving ways of living. Essentially, another couple of specific things that I notice is that if I see a multiracial couple, a lot of the things that they're holding is they haven't really talked about some of their racial history. They haven't really talked about what it means to live in each of their communities, their family systems. They need to have those conversations. They're operating from a place of the unknown and they just go. They're like passing ships in the night. They're not really taking the time to honor each other's story or create space for that.
Speaker 3:And also, I think, at the core of all of this, it doesn't matter if I'm seeing a couple who has the same identity or couples who are in different identities. Everyone needs to talk about their racial identity. Everyone needs to talk about all their identities, whether it's non-dominant or dominant identities. And me, the job that I get to be blessed to do is okay. So let's start having these conversations. What do you need? What do you need to resource yourself? Are you scared? Are you fearful? What are you fearing? Where are you fearing? And then also just stand in your integrity, start to say some things, be authentic in your conversation and allow some things to happen. Take healthy risk. I'm like a big proponent of healthy risk when it comes to communication.
Speaker 2:Okay, okay, okay, this is beautiful. Especially now with, I guess, with the modern family, with all these changes happening, is very good to do that. So what are the misconceptions that you're observing about therapy? Because some people they will think, oh yeah, I only go to therapy where something is wrong, so how do you help folks like they think that way?
Speaker 3:A couple of misconceptions I often get is that just coming to therapy means you're doing something. The work that I do is I'm here with you along in this journey and you get to take it outside of therapy. Some additional things are like you're going to solve my problems or you're going to heal me, and, honestly, this is a collaborative experience and there are things that I absolutely do well in, but a lot of times on the path to healing there can be actually more pain. But if you have the resource to be able to sit with all levels of emotionality meaning the big, the challenging emotions, the good emotions then you're actually on the right track to learning more about yourself and being able to heal. And so a couple of other things are okay. So I am afraid that you're going to tell me all these bad things about myself, or that you're going to be mean to me, or that you're going to tell me to do things that I'm scared to do. Okay, I'm my but and I'm not going to say mean things. That's not who.
Speaker 3:I am at all, but like the things that I'm doing is inviting you into healthy risk taking, right, because complacency is really the issue in a lot of relationships. If you are not operating from a place of activation and just living passively, you are going to find that you're going to be angry with more things, you're going to find that you're going to withhold more things, you're going to put walls up, and so I think it's about coming into the space, being curious. You can ask all your questions too. I think people are scared. Oh my gosh, I just don't know what I'm going to get.
Speaker 3:Why don't you take some time to ask a therapist? We all have consultation times that are usually free. You can ask all the questions. You can name all the things that you're scared of. You can ask me what I'm going to do. None of these things I'm not being silent about, and I'm really. I think that's really important, and I think also another myth is like, if I'm seeing a certain gender or certain racial orientation, like a racial identity, in a specific therapist, right like they're going to be prejudicial of those things. I think people are scared about what it means to live in their bodies and see therapy from a person who might not be, who might be in another body. That's why I say come see me, come see someone who shares a lot more of your identities and just take a risk. The worst thing that you, worst thing that could happen, is that you learn that maybe that person is not for you and you get to move on to another person or explore other avenues of health and healing.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, Thank you, Because of those hesitations. So I'm glad that people, once they know what are the benefits, they can definitely take that risk and avoid the hesitation to not talk to you. And so there's this issue that you know about the impact of words and actions versus the intentions. Can you talk a little bit about that?
Speaker 3:Yeah. So what I mean by that is, I think, more often than not we are good intentioned, right Like we mean when it comes to the things that we do in community, but when we focus on our meaning rather than the fact that someone else is being hurt by our meaning, then we've missed the mark, I think. I think we're also scared to do something wrong. So the world has said make more connection to the intention. The world has told us like value, when we hear people say that's not what I meant, or like I didn't mean that and also I was.
Speaker 3:I meant, I didn't mean to hurt you All that language that we're used to, that we've heard it. All it does is prioritize the person who did the hurting, and so why not honor the person who's named with bravery, that your words had an impact and sit there, explore. If you're frustrated, if you're just like, if you're feeling uncomfortable, if you're feeling triggered, give yourself a resource. Stand in a position where you know that you're a human who makes mistakes and that this person, through bravery, is coming to you to name something that was hard for them why?
Speaker 3:not sit in a place of humility and explore a way to support them? I also think that we are not a community of apology and we need to be better about that. I think sometimes we're scared to admit that we made a mistake more than anything, just start to name and acknowledge the hurt we cause, because that's what we do as humans, and you don't have to moralize everything. Everything is not good or bad. It's an opportunity for growth and honesty and understanding, and start to take some risk around that.
Speaker 2:Appreciate that. I think those two things I'm noticing, like I'm noticing the growth mindset and risk-taking is those are the two key things so far. I'm noticing that they're really crucial for our talk and so normally in our societies, when people they divorce or they separate, who's getting affected the most are the kids. So how do we, how do you help dads to fix this situation? By having a better, maybe like communication as such, or whatever, but how do you minimize the risk to the kids after the divorce or separation?
Speaker 3:Minimizing is subjective. So, like I'll say this, you need to always talk to your kids and to your now co-parent about what you all have decided to do. The challenges that come up is that we do these things in silence. We are not telling our kids age-appropriate things about what's happening in their lives. We need to make sure that they know all the things that are going on. We need to have as many conversations within the whole family system as well as like from co-parent to co-parent. Everyone needs to know in some ways, enough information so that they can feel safe, secure and taken care of.
Speaker 3:Now kids will be impacted. That's just the name of the game. When you've changed their environment drastically, impact happens. So I think what you get to know is to name that, to acknowledge that change is happening, to acknowledge that some things might be hard. And also, don't shy away if your child is saying I'm feeling sad, I'm feeling frustrated, I miss dad, I miss mom, I miss any other guardian. Right, have a conversation, get down on their level, talk about ways in which they can honor the parent they miss, or honor the sibling they miss, or plan a nuance and, more than anything, I think co-parents should have therapy. We don't talk about this more as much, but if you've decided to do a divorce and you all are divorcing and it doesn't feel like it feels really tenuous and constricting and toxic, I think one of the best things you can do is to find a coach, a mediator, a therapist who is really good at supporting co-parenting relationships, so that you all can be more fruitful and healthy for the kids as they move and grow.
Speaker 2:That's beautiful. So, in terms of the various talk, the various, in terms of the mental being, how do we do the self-care and work and family, and how do you advise folks on this?
Speaker 3:So, when it comes to self-care, I think the most important element of that is not that it's selfish, it's that it's self-oriented, so that you can be more communally supportive. So we give to self, to give to others more nourishingly. And when we sleep, when we eat, when we're in need of nourishment, when we give ourselves intentional time outside, when we're reading for continual learning, when we are meditating, when we are connecting to things that we value, when we're learning more about ourselves, all those things add to you being better in community, and so self-care is really about rituals and routines that support your mental, physical and emotional well-being, to be a better human to yourself, to be more compassionate to yourself and to be more affirming to your family, your partner, your children.
Speaker 2:That's beautiful. Yeah, because I think sometimes I know I like to go out to ask this question to all the guests and I think I need to start changing the way I ask, because there's some people that are negating this idea. But I like how you mention it because it expands the vocabulary, because sometimes when we think about this, we just think about self-care is about me getting my sleep and my time to go to the gym and all these things, which is great, but also there's the issue about knowledge, reading and stuff. This is important.
Speaker 2:So thank you so much for sharing that, because through reading and learning then we can become better fathers by understanding our wives and our kids and ourselves, and it's beautiful. That's very critical. Thank you so much for sharing that. So what resources do you recommend that we should focus on so we can be better in such there's a lot of good books out there on boundaries.
Speaker 3:So I think and it's surprising that I didn't talk about boundaries yet but I think getting to know your boundaries and getting to know the boundaries that were not there in your history and your childhood can help you to define what boundaries can look like in your relationships with your family, with your partners, with your children. So there's a good book by Nedra Tawab called Set Boundaries, fine Peace. She also has a boundaries like a card game, which I'm a lover of card games, so those are fun. I think there's a lot of books out there. So there's an extended list of books.
Speaker 3:I think go, think about ways you can read age-appropriate books throughout time with your kids. So get the books that are like if you have a child who's in preschool, get preschool age, get elementary school age and just read alongside them and also read for yourself. Read adult books around our own racialized history, the story of our country, the story of if you are not from America, like the story of what it means to be an immigrant and immigrant here, like the journey, reconnect to your origins, learn your lineages, invite your kids to learn lineages. I'm going beyond books here, but I think also take your kids to historical sites. Go to places that have a lot of history, community-oriented spaces. Go to museums, go to historical societies, connect to really awesome homes and things in your community that have a story, and also add to those stories through your own lineages and your own family stories.
Speaker 2:OK, ok, so this is beautiful and then. So I think, do you have any idea, like any question, particular question that you have for, like our future guests, dads that you would like to learn about like family or just being a father?
Speaker 3:Do I have questions for them?
Speaker 2:Yes, please, that you think the answer will help to spark a good communication, like a good conversation, or change the direction of like a family into a better direction.
Speaker 3:I think that that's such a big question because there's so many questions that come to mind. For me, I would say OK, one thing to start your week out with is what is one thing that would make your week a good one? Ask your kid that, ask your partner that, ask yourself that and make it a routine to invite in clarity about what would make your week good, and then remember those things and see what it takes to invite them into the space. If a child says to you you know what? I want to have ice cream on Friday, save it, write it down somewhere and say, OK, if we can do this, then let's figure out a way to do that and let it come Friday. And then you say remember when you said on Monday that you wanted to do this thing After school, we'll go pick you up and we'll do this thing.
Speaker 3:I also think it just having as many conversations with your family to learn more about them. So, like, the question I might ask is what assumptions are you leaning into rather than asking about when it comes to your family? So, if you are leaning into assumptions because you've been living with them for years and you feel all about them, what if they change their mind? What if they don't like the things that you believe they like and you're just assuming? What are the assumptions you are making about who your family is, and how can you start to be more curious and ask more questions?
Speaker 2:That's beautiful, beautiful, thank you, thank you. I'll be asking that because I think, through asking like you say, the answer will be totally different than what we think is gonna be the answer and then boom, that's amazing. That's amazing, thank you. I think that goes without saying in terms of the relationships. Sometimes things change, but you don't know, so it's good to keep ourself up to date.
Speaker 1:I like it.
Speaker 2:I love it. I love it. Thank you so much. So, really, as we conclude, like I wanted to say, thank you really to spend the time to share your expertise and wisdom and passion and promoting the healthy family dynamics and raise conscious big conversations. And I actually do enjoy seeing you on let's see on Instagram. You have a great website. You're very I believe your personality matches what you're doing, because you feel easy to like. A person feels easy to talk to you and share with you what they're going through, so how can people find you, my friend?
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, you can find me on Instagram at the racial equity therapist. I usually am producing content weekly or even like sometimes five times a week, which is fun, and I am always talking about race and relationships and different dynamics and healthy risk, which I talked a lot about today, because that's at the core of this and those in consciousness folks can find me at my website is the racial equity therapist. Calm, and I am. I love the work that I do there and you all can connect with me through that. I'm going to be coming out with a newsletter soon, in the next couple months, so if you want to learn a little bit more that way, I have the card game.
Speaker 3:I'm not really taking any clients now, but there's opportunity for for connection later in the next couple months. So yeah, those are the ways.
Speaker 2:Oh, fantastic. So please, if you found this conversation enlightening as we did, please remember to to foster this open and empathetic communication with your families, which will lead into stronger bonds and greater you know and avoiding all these problems that we have spoken about. So please go ahead and log in to dad puzzlecom to subscribe for for a future newsletter as well, and and also to listen to other folks that have come in to share the wisdom about how to be a better dad and better community overall. So thank you so much for really tuning in today. Thank you.
Speaker 1:Thank you. Thanks for listening to dad puzzles. We hope you learned something from today's podcast. Please leave us a review and give us a thumbs up, and don't forget to subscribe to our mailing list and YouTube channel Plus, follow and like our Instagram and Facebook pages or any social media of your choice. You can also visit dad puzzlescom for more resources that will help ease you into your parenthood journey. Thanks again for listening to dad puzzles.