Embracing Vulnerability and Accountability: A Guide to Personal Transformation for Men

As I navigated my own rocky path to self-improvement, I discovered the delicate interplay between being accountable for my actions and leaning on others for support. This revelation is the heart of our latest Dad Puzzles episode, where special guest Pete Armstrong shares his wisdom on coaching men through vulnerability and health challenges. Join us for an eye-opening discussion on guiding clients towards embracing their emotional side, while also fostering a sense of self-accountability. We weave through personal anecdotes and theoretical insights, providing a roadmap for anyone on a journey of personal development, highlighting the connection between accountability, support, and growth.

Struggling with personal demons is a familiar tale to many, and it's the vulnerability in facing them that paves the way to happiness. In this episode, we examine the intertwining of our analytical and emotional selves, tapping into historical insights. We draw parallels with figures like Jesus (Peace be upon him), known as both a carpenter and spiritual guide, Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon him), who embodied roles as a businessman and spiritual guide, and also consider the example of Buddha.

We reveal the strength found in self-compassion and the bravery required to ask for help, offering listeners a look at the profound transformation self-acceptance can bring. My own path to coaching is laid bare, sharing the 'street cred' earned through past experiences and how it reinforces my ability to support others.

Triumph over adversity is not just a catchphrase; it's a lived experience that many of us share. I open up about my journey from coping through addiction to the challenges of single fatherhood, and how adopting a growth mindset led to a master's degree and beyond. We wrap up with a heartfelt client story, underscoring the transformative effect of empathy and the safe spaces we create for others to heal. Stay connected with us at Dad Puzzles for more heartfelt narratives and strategies to aid you on your fatherhood adventure.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

We are live. We have been live and we have covered many great topics about empathy and vulnerability in terms of coaching, and we have spoken about the common barriers that men come across, you know, in prioritizing their own health. And you know my good friend here, pete, has also discussed how individuals, you know, how he helps them to overcome the addictions. So this has been really, really enlightening and we're really happy that we have you on to chat with us today.

Speaker 1: 0:35

And now the next question I was having is you know, let's say, how do you find this balance between accountability and being supportive, you know, with your client? Because sometimes, you know, like you said, you know, first the client has to trust you to really being vulnerable with you, right? So how do you create that accountability and being supportive? Because you got to be as a you know dad or as a grown up to tell them, by the way, you know this is wrong. Hey, you know this is right and we can work towards this one to be better. You know, I'm sure they they're, you know, among the conditions for them to be your clients, they're, they should be open to being corrected and being you know, you know held accountable, correct. Can you talk a little bit about?

Speaker 2: 1:24

Welcome to dad puzzles everything, dad. If you're questioning yourself about dad functions, duties and life in general, you've come to the right place. Parenthood can be tough. Learning to juggle caring for your baby with your career and also keeping things fresh with your partner can be a struggle, but we're here to make things easier with helpful tips for making the most of your situation. Being a dad may seem like a puzzle, but it's one you can definitely solve. Now here's your host, dr Suleiman Ejani. Dad, my friend.

Speaker 1: 2:03

Yeah, that's a great question.

Speaker 3: 2:06

And that's, um, fred, lots of different schools of thought on that, right, I'd be honest with you. I think that's a great question, fred. Lots of different schools of thought on that. I'd be honest with you. Um, you know the way I, the way I approach it, and I'm today, right, I'm learning, but I would say the way I approach accountability is like and you say you know, this is beautiful, what you said like there is an adult, right, they're a father. This is assuming that they're mature, right, that they're accountable to themselves.

Speaker 3: 2:43

They're oftentimes the guys I work in some way, shape or form, the guys that I work with. Oftentimes, in some way, shape or form, they haven't been accountable to themselves. Hence why they're hiring somebody like me, not only because they need that accountability partner, but what I'm really trying to help them do is to learn how to become accountable to themselves, because if they can develop that skill, that awareness, that muscle, that growth, right, when they're done working with me in six months, a year, two years, whatever it is, um, they're going to be, they're going to be able to self regulate, they're going to be able to take agency excuse me, have agency in their lives, right. And now, after a lot of these guys, the guys that I work with in some way, shape or form they've found an external source to help them cope with life Right. And so what I mean by that, I think, if you think about it, most of times some sort of addiction has developed because there's some sort of emotional dysregulation that could have been really in trauma and pain, whatever right.

Speaker 3: 3:50

And so what do you do? You reach outside of you and have a beard. It could be pornography, it could be work that you're reaching outside of you, that's helping you regulate your nervous system based on what you're doing. That's the scientific level, but that's basically what we're trying to do, it you?

Speaker 3: 4:10

know, these things In addition. So what I do to help me and how I'd be accountable to men is I have to walk with them. I have to walk side by side with them, because they're not ready to be accountable. They're not, and they're during their mid 30s to low 50s the guys that I work with their fathers. They are fine on the outside, they are paying the bills, you know their kids are safe, their kids are doing well, you know things are okay. But what they don't realize is that in some way, shape or form, they've never fully matured into a self dependent, self-reliant adult. And this isn't bad.

Speaker 3: 4:52

You can look into attachment theory, I'm sure, if you're familiar with attachment theory, but if you think about it, there's four types of attachments. Three of the attachment types are insecure. So guess what? The majority of people in the world have an insecure attachment, and what that means is basically then they have a challenge in some way, shape or form with self regulating or over reliant on self regulating, like older reliant, like I don't need help, I'll do everything myself, and that that part too is also that actually isn't helpful. That's not helpful, that's not good. And you say I don't need help, but you really do or the other side is.

Speaker 3: 5:39

I need help, and I always put it in someone else's hands, right, right. So the colorability piece comes in me helping me understand how these men are internally. And then I often will ask them in the question session like, okay, what's your next steps? Where are the compassionate and accept you and take, and how can I help you be accountable? Or what kind of accountability do you need? Sometimes it's do you check in with me in two days and be sure? Or it's like go out with some of the wife, then I'm gonna do this. I ask them because they have an understanding and if it continues, if it doesn't work right, I will boldly say you know, say, three sessions in. Well, hey, you know, I've noticed that with discernment, my judgment, yeah, I noticed this is what she's done and it seems like it's not getting resolved that you're intending it for. What do you want to do about that?

Speaker 1: 6:37

Right and, by the way, hopefully, you know, like you have some, you know some suggestions to him based on that topic. Of course, right, 100%.

Speaker 3: 6:44

I have. I always have ideas, but the one of this. Sometimes I have to jump in and advise and advocate. Sometimes they just put the coach out on and I let them discover what they need, because that's really powerful to me.

Speaker 1: 7:01

Right, right, thank you, my friend, thank you so so. So, my friend, you know, can you, let's say, can you offer for us this, you know, some advice for people, because sometimes we have this, this idea of seeking help being a problem. You know, you know, you know. So how can dads that are being hesitant to seek help change their mind going forward? You know, how do they fix this limiting belief going forward? So what do you advise them? My friend, almost a bit of it, but, but yeah, I'm trying to.

Speaker 3: 7:42

You know, I'm trying, I'm closing my eyes, I'm trying to really connect to my heart right now, Because logical advice is is has not gotten through to most men, the most two sides of the line basically, one side's kind of like a logic and the one's kind of like this emotional, generally speaking right. And here's one way to look, here's one way to think about it. If you constantly just use the logical side of your mind, the analytical, the take action side of your mind, you're only using half your brain. There's this other side.

Speaker 1: 8:35

That is where happiness is found, and ambiguous and awesome.

Speaker 3: 8:44

Yes, exploration, curiosity, awe wonder, play, joy, forgiveness, all of the way we talked about forgiveness today. Don't get me started, but my A little gratitude, everything yeah.

Speaker 3: 8:59

Yeah, yeah. But my point is here's. I'm gonna use this example and, again, it doesn't mean that I'm telling everyone this is the answer. This is the way I'm just doing it. I'm just doing it in metaphor. Think about Jesus, for example. Pretend like he lived. He was a carpenter, right, right. So he used that analytically. He did build stuff, right, that's really cool, right, right. But then what was he known for? What was he? What is Jesus known for? He's known for all the things.

Speaker 1: 9:39

Miracles, the cabin tree as well.

Speaker 3: 9:42

yes, yeah, really.

Speaker 1: 9:43

He's really known for. No, we know about that too, my friend, you know yeah.

Speaker 3: 9:48

But what is he? What are people really taking from you? This as well.

Speaker 1: 9:54

Oh, that's, absolutely yes.

Speaker 3: 9:55

You know what I mean? And to my point is that's a different side of the mind. Mm-hmm, that's true. Then there's the brain. Right, Let me get over there. And so why am I sharing this? Because how can you If you're hesitant?

Speaker 2: 10:15

to see Joe.

Speaker 3: 10:16

I'm going to encourage you. How can getting help help you love the ones you care about the most more Mm-hmm Like, if you can't do it for yourself, do it for your kids do it for your wife, and then eventually you're going to realize, oh my God, I was missing out.

Speaker 3: 10:35

I'm missing Exactly man You're going oh, my God, I've been judging myself, having been loving myself, and so if you're having a hard time, do it for something bigger than you. Do it for your family, mm-hmm, you know, do it for something bigger than you. If you can't do it for yourself, that's okay. That's just where you are today. That's okay, man, and it's okay to need help. There is no one in this world that hasn't got help in some way, shape or form.

Speaker 3: 10:59

So that's what I would say is how can you empathize with yourself, mm-hmm? Stop judging yourselves and realize if you have shame about getting help, that in itself is a problem. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 1: 11:14

That in itself is a limiting belief right Absolutely.

Speaker 3: 11:16

That's to tell you something Like you know what. I have shame about getting help. Wow, I guess I should try to help, because that right there is a problem. Does that make sense? Absolutely.

Speaker 1: 11:26

Absolutely. Yes, sir, awesome, it does, it does. I don't know how much time left for you, but I was just wondering. You know, did you want to chat a little bit more about how did you get into this? What sparked you into being a coach? Sure.

Speaker 3: 11:44

Yeah, I got a couple of times. Okay, how did I get into this? You know someone? I was at a networking event the other day. I told my story in a way, and the guy goes, oh man, I see, so a big piece of why you do what you do is your street cred. Okay, yeah, and I was like the street cred like, hey, man, this dude, he got some, he got some street cred. He got some experience. You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 1: 12:08

Right.

Speaker 3: 12:09

And so that was kind of cool you know coming from a guy who sold drugs and did drugs back in the day when I was a teenager, I was like, ah, that's kind of cool. Yeah, what is my street cred? You know, my street cred is been there, man. I struggled with anxiety, depression, not feeling like I was good enough, not feeling worthy, not feeling like I belonged Right, Struggling with addiction, the majority of my like. I used pornography as a kid and found that as a way to help me cope you know, and I used it for the majority of my life.

Speaker 3: 12:43

You know that was one drugs.

Speaker 2: 12:46

Excuse me.

Speaker 3: 12:47

I'm slow talking. I talk about hot. When I was a kid, I started using alcohol, and so I've been there. I've been in the pain, I've been in the trenches.

Speaker 1: 12:56

Right.

Speaker 3: 12:57

And I've gotten out. And now that I've gotten out, you know I miss you like I want to help other men get out. I want to extend my hand. I know they're down there and I see you, brother.

Speaker 1: 13:13

Come on Right, that's right. Lift him up, you know. Yes sir, yes sir.

Speaker 3: 13:20

And you know I struggle with anger. Here's a, here's a, here's a fact. Problem guys listening Challenge yourself. You may be using anger, but pull out the feelings, we all. The next thing you get angry, you don't do that for your wife or kids. One room, the candy, couple minutes to myself. How are you really feeling? I promise you almost always the men that I work with, the fear. Fear they had a.

Speaker 3: 13:55

Some of the biggest emotion was fear or shame. They felt bad, they felt unworthy, they felt like they weren't a good father. And so what do we do? We act out of anger because part of it's like I don't like who I am. I'm going to take it out on somebody else, which is wrong, and we do it.

Speaker 3: 14:15

So I see her, though, because I struggled with anger with my kids. I didn't have an evaluation like my children, so we asked like why am I? What's my story? A little bit Like I struggled with a father. I love being father. I was. I was a single parent. I was a single dad when you're in my life. I had a one bedroom apartment. I had tore my ACL and decided to go back to school. There's a third floor and I was up and down the third floor with two little kids under three, with with with groceries in one hand and a crush in the other. I didn't have a car. I was going back to school as 30 years old and I was struggling. Man, I went back to school, I learned, changed my life, I got my degrees. I had a master's degree.

Speaker 3: 15:03

for a guy like me, who, right, who was looking from the family that I came from to go and get my degree I get you showed me, man, there's no one in this world that can go and do stuff like that. You know, no matter where you come from. If you, if you try, if you believe in yourself a little bit just cheeks they're can move and forward. There's nothing you can do and you can become. But you got to work on the things that are in the way.

Speaker 3: 15:28

So what's in the way you got this thing that you want to do, what's the way you achieve in it? And then someone should perform. If you don't work on that thing, you're never going to get to where you would desire to be, I promise you, I promise you, man. If you take the thing that you work on your mindset heal I say heal like they're above in yourself and see that you got pain, it's they're taking away the unhealthy coping mechanisms I swear to God your life will change.

Speaker 1: 15:54

That's beautiful, my friend, and you know this is that's why you know this is actually a very good point for you. You know, selling point not necessarily selling, but it's a point that somebody will feel comfortable working with you because you've been there, you know you do understand like, you know you being there is something very powerful. Like is somebody that people can relate, and actually not necessarily relate, they'll feel, even they'll feel guilty, because they'll be like I didn't have worse than this guy and look at you, know what am I doing? So let me go hear from you. Know, so definitely, when you tell somebody, they will understand and then they will not argue as much because, come on, what are you agreeing about? It's like you going, yeah, I don't know. I'm definitely with you, my friend. So so.

Speaker 3: 16:36

So here's a little. Here's a little story about that. I'm giving you 15 seconds.

Speaker 1: 16:41

Sir yes.

Speaker 3: 16:42

I had a call to die. I had a potential client, right Right, we had a coaching experience, potential client and I said I attended this coaching experience. I always asked you know how was this for you? You know this guy's 50, 53, 54, 55, something like that Tons of therapy, been in rehab, been an inpatient. He's doing great in his life now. He's doing fairly good in his life. He's had therapy, he's had coaches, he's been inpatient, he's been outpatient. You know what he said to me yesterday? I almost freaking, cried on the call. He said I've never felt as safe as I did today with you that I'd ever have. I've always felt like I had to, couldn't be vulnerable, I couldn't share how I was really feeling. This is important because I felt like I shared how I was really feeling. The person is not going to help me. I'm going to feel rejected.

Speaker 3: 17:47

So he was afraid to show himself and his coaching and his therapy, because he felt like they were going to reject him. Then we're going to help him.

Speaker 3: 17:54

And then he would feel a sense of rejection. And we talked about a lot of the coaching sessions was that he thought rejected the majority of his life, but that he was in many ways bending in himself. So I said, if you're going to abandon yourself, you're going to try to change yourself because you're afraid of someone else rejecting. How to understand it in someone's head? But from your abandoning yourself he's like oh my God.

Speaker 1: 18:19

Amazing. No, this is important because I think most of the patients you know when they go to the hospital, you have some people they have trouble with. If it's, you know, like the, you know like the finances or whatever, or just the addiction. You know it's hard for them to be 100% compliant or honest because they worry about being judged, they worry about missing whatever. There's so many things behind things. So it's good to you know, when you're talking to them, the way you share your story, you know things that they can relate and there's no judgment. I mean that really it creates a playing field. You know this is beautiful. This is beautiful, my friend.

Speaker 1: 19:09

So I'm glad that we did have this powerful conversation today with practical insights. Peter, definitely. Thank you, sir, for these, for these, for these, you know, like gold nuggets. You know it's something very profound by people, only people that really listen to it and work on it. You know, and if people that really want to, you know, if it resonated with you and you would like to know more definitely, you have to contact my friend, pete. He's on LinkedIn, pete Armstrong, and I'll be sharing his details and soon he'll have you know, he'll be having his website. So this is amazing. We're looking forward to that, my friends. So you were hoping a couple of plans.

Speaker 1: 19:51

Oh, absolutely. And and, by the way, please, you know, you know, you know I do have something that is very, very important. You know, let's say you know first, if you can go ahead and let's say subscribe to. You know that puzzle that come. You know all the social medias that we have for Pete.

Speaker 1: 20:11

And if you do have something you know that is bothering you, okay, or or or something that you're working on, pete is available. You know you definitely have to contact him and work with him and you know he'll be, he'll be your accountable guy. You know, coach as well and we also available here as well. So, and like my friend Pete mentioned, I'll be there for you, my brother, if, if there's something you know, I'll be pushing you, I'll be following up with you for the next couple of weeks. Make sure that things are moving in. You know, like in the yeah, because a lot of times we we blind, my friend, we blind a lot of things and let's say we don't really follow up because they say we don't put it in our calendars, where there's nobody asking us or pushing us. So now you've been speaking this on this podcast, we'll be having it.

Speaker 3: 21:02

Yes, sir.

Speaker 1: 21:03

That's it. So you, I think you have the strongest push so far. You know, you know, so that's. Please remember that your well-being is the foundation of a strong family.

Speaker 1: 21:13

So let's build something incredible together, one puzzle piece at a time, just little by little. You don't have to, you don't have to be Mr Perfect, to to, to, to. You know, today, you know just one at a time, and and and. With time you'll notice the difference. As Pete mentioned about his is going with school. You know like you had to push, and with time, look where you are now. So this is amazing, my friend and you know.

Speaker 1: 21:42

Please go ahead and contact us. If you do have any questions or suggestions, you can write them on the on the dad puzzles Facebook group or you can go ahead and go to dad puzzlescom. There's a, you know, contact us page. You can write your information there. It's totally, you know, confidential and we can be buddies. We can help each other to be, to achieve our goals together. You know, because we are really me and him. We really share me and Pete. We share so much because we we are in our beginning stages.

Speaker 1: 22:13

I've been doing this for a minute, but I haven't been doing as much, so I need to really make it more, almost like full time, to make sure that we make that impact, because the there's a word I don't want to. I don't know if I can say, the media, because now you have to be careful about cursing. You don't want to be half apples with things, you know you have to make sure that you know, you have to make sure that you do a good job, you know. So, really, that's my, my goal going forward. And I don't know, pete, Did you want to share anything else?

Speaker 3: 22:42

my friend, I do. I want to share that um your gifts to the world and that you are. I'm talking about you. So me, yes.

Speaker 1: 22:51

Oh my god.

Speaker 3: 22:52

Give to the world, man and um oh no the moment I met you, I knew you had a good soul, you have a heart to serve and you want to help fathers, and I think it's part of what I share too is that you know you. You you got street cred, you know what it's like to struggle as a father, and you care so much about your family that you decided that you're gonna take some of your pain and turn it into the joy if I help another man, and so I just want to say thank you, man. Like the ICU dude, I'm glad that I I get to know you more now and Now. Right, thank you for this opportunity, man, and I encourage you just to keep keep following your heart, man, but I think what you're creating here is lovely and I love you man, my brother, I love you too and thanks so much for doing this.

Speaker 1: 23:32

And, brother, you know, this is another thing when I when I used to getting that the honest feedback like this. So, my brother, thank you so much for doing this. Um, folks, please be in touch with us and we look forward to having you in our next episode. Thank you again.

Speaker 2: 23:52

Thanks for listening to dad puzzles. We hope you learned something from today's podcast. Please leave us a review and give us a thumbs up, and don't forget to subscribe to our mailing list and YouTube channel Plus, follow and like our Instagram and Facebook pages or any social media of your choice. You can also visit dad puzzles calm for more resources that will help ease you into your parenthood journey. Thanks again for listening to dad puzzles. You.