94. From Transgender to Transformed (Part 1)

How does one find redemption after years of struggle with identity and acceptance? Our guest, Lex Renick, shares her transformative journey from a childhood marred by trauma and rejection in a seemingly perfect Christian household to discovering the powerful embrace of God’s love. Lex's story is a testament to overcoming adversity, finding support in unexpected places, and the profound impact of a loving, supportive community.

Lex courageously recounts her early struggles with gender identity and the confusion that emerged during puberty, where she felt more aligned with being a boy despite being biologically female. Confronted with a lack of understanding and acceptance from her church and family, she sought solace in the queer community. Her journey is not just one of personal discovery but also shared struggles with her spouse, emphasizing the importance of faith and the clarity it brought them both.

We also touch on the critical role of protecting children from trauma, the power of therapy, and the healing grace of faith. Lex opens up about her transition to living as Austin and the eventual decision to detransition, shedding light on the complexities faced along the way. Through personal anecdotes and spiritual reflections, this episode offers listeners a poignant look at the resilience of the human spirit and the redemptive power of God’s love. Join us for a heartfelt conversation about healing, forgiveness, and the transformative journey of faith.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

I was at church about five days a week, but little did anyone know that behind closed doors there's alcoholism, there was abuse, there was trauma, that was happening.

Speaker 1: 0:09

I faced rejection. I faced rejection from the church, rejection from my parents, and that led me on a journey of just running to the queer community because they accepted me and embraced me when in reality I needed a savior. I needed community, a body of believers to just love me and be there with me through the journey that when we are in God's perfect will, when we are doing what God has called us to do, the enemy wants any and every opportunity to say nope or well, you've done this. Therefore you're not qualified, or God doesn't want you, or God can never save you. And if we can get ourselves to believe that, if we can get influencers or people that are stepping out in their faith and they are doing the call of their life, you know what God has called them to do. And now they are doubting that calling, that is exactly what the enemy wants. In the spiritual realm. The enemy has been after me and our children in this day now, because they know the power of ripping away children's innocence.

Speaker 2: 1:33

Hello and welcome to the Radiant Mission podcast. Hello and welcome to the Radiant Mission podcast. We are on a mission to encourage and inspire you as you're navigating through this wildlife and with your relationship with Christ. We are currently in a series on the goodness of God and we are sharing testimonies, which is so exciting. If you're tuning in for the first time, welcome, we're so glad that you're here. Welcome, we're so glad that you're here. Today, we are welcoming a very special guest to share her story, and it is truly an incredible one. Lex Renick, who formerly lived as a transgender man for 14 years, is here to talk about the goodness of God and his transformational power. So, lex, thank you so much for being here.

Speaker 1: 2:26

Thank you so much for having me. It's truly just such a privilege and an opportunity to share that God can do anything he truly can, so it's very exciting to be out on here and give him all the glory.

Speaker 2: 2:38

Amen, amen. I'm so looking forward to you sharing your story and actually you and I met on Instagram. When I came across a video of your testimony, I was just so moved by how open and willing you are to share your life experience and just see what a blessing you are to others that are around you, to see just the inspiration that you're passing along. So I would love it if you could start off by sharing a little bit about your background and others that are around you, to see just the inspiration that you're passing along, so I would love it if you could start off by sharing a little bit about your background.

Speaker 1: 3:14

What was your upbringing like? Yeah, so I actually grew up in the church. I grew up in a Christian household. The way I like to describe it is I grew up with the white picket fence all-American Christian family, mom on PTA, you know, dad ministry, mom running ministry. I was at church about five days a week, but little did anyone know that behind closed doors there's alcoholism, there was abuse, there was trauma that was happening and so my idea of what a Christian was from a child was like you just go to church during the week, but when you're home, the way that I described it was like demons lurked around my household and unfortunately that a trauma and abuse from a very young age.

Speaker 1: 3:53

My innocence was ripped away from me, starting at the age of five years old, and multiple traumas happened the older that I got it's like abusers know children that are already abused, and so I began to struggle. Since I can even speak and talk and understand gender roles, my uncomfortability this is before it's being taught in schools now this is before. It's like propaganda everywhere. I truly struggled with my gender identity from a very young age, where I truly struggled with my gender identity from a very young age and I faced rejection. I faced rejection from the church, rejection from my parents, and that led me on a journey of just running to the queer community because they accepted me and embraced me when in reality, I needed a savior. I needed community, a body of believers to just love me and be there with me through the journey.

Speaker 2: 4:45

Wow, that is very. First of all, I'm so sorry for your experience. That is so heartbreaking to hear the trauma that you experienced and I kind of I don't know. I'm going to ask you this as a question because I kind of feel this sometimes that when people work in the church or in positions that are in ministry, I almost feel that they often are up against more spiritual warfare because they're trying to do things for God and it can oftentimes lead to these super scary negative things.

Speaker 2: 5:27

You know, you hear about pastors that are behind closed doors having affairs and all kinds of nonsense right, Alcoholism, like you mentioned and it does make me wonder about these strongholds. I mean, I know in my life personally and with my husband, that there have been moments where, when we've been trying to get closer to God, there's been roadblocks that have come our way. That's actually why I started this podcast was because of some spiritual warfare that I had experienced during the birth of our second son. That I had experienced during the birth of our second son and it was so life-changing that at such a pivotal, important time where my husband and I needed to be united, we were having a home birth just me and him, and it was like all the warfare was coming at us. So I'm curious your opinion on this. Is this something that you feel like you've noticed in the church, or the people that are trying to get closer.

Speaker 1: 6:27

I was already getting many thoughts when you were discussing that. It's not a shocker to me, because the enemy, as we know, the devil, is such a great liar he is the liar of all liars and I think well actually know that when we are in God's perfect will, when we are doing what God has called us to do, the enemy wants any and every opportunity to say nope or well, you've done this. Therefore, you're not qualified, or God doesn't want you, or God can never save you. And if we can get ourselves to believe that, if we can get influencers or people that are stepping out in their faith and they are doing the call of their life, you know what God has called them to do, and now they are doubting that calling. That is exactly what the enemy wants.

Speaker 1: 7:14

And so I totally agree. We see that a lot in missionaries. We see that a lot pastors, um, anywhere we look around pretty much. I mean I know that when God called me to be public and share my testimony, I didn't want to. I really I feel like I'm virtually and physically, you know, in a way um, like undressing myself as far as my vulnerability.

Speaker 1: 7:42

I'm sharing the deepest, darkest, most painful moments of my life to bring God glory, and that's not something easy to do, and so every time, either before or after I speak publicly, or even virtually, I always get spiritually attacked after. It happens to me all the time. So my husband's already praying.

Speaker 2: 8:04

Good, good. And when we stop recording, let's pray together. For sure, we could pray together now during the show. You want to do that? All right, let's do it. Lord, we come to you right now to put a hedge of protection around Lex and myself. Lord, let your will be done and the story and testimony of your goodness be shared, while doing away with all darkness and keeping darkness away from us and our families. And we pray this in the name of Jesus, amen.

Speaker 1: 8:40

Amen.

Speaker 2: 8:42

All right. So I want to ask you a little bit about you know you had mentioned that you grew up in a time where there wasn't a big message about gender identity and changing your identity and all that. Do you feel at all that maybe that stemmed from the experiences that you had, that it just made you feel, you know, I maybe I'm not good enough how I am because people are treating me this way with who I am as a person. So is that what made you feel like I need to just be a different person? I'm curious about, kind of what brought you to feel that you as a young woman were not in the correct body, I guess per se.

Speaker 1: 9:33

That's a great question and I've been asked many questions, but I love the way that you worded this specific question, and so I just want to tell the listeners first that this is such a conversation of love. Like I know that this is a heavy, sensitive topic and some people are going to feel triggered or be like want to turn it off and think that this is judgmental.

Speaker 1: 9:52

This is not a place of judgment or condemnation or shame. This is a conversation of the love of Jesus and his transformational power and how God wants you right now, not when you get it all cleaned up. Then you know what's this now. So I just wanted to take a moment to say that because it's a it's a difficult conversation and, um, I just want people to know my heart and know the Lord's heart, that we're coming from a place of love. But to answer your question, um, this was before any type of gender norm was taught to me. I mean, at five years old, when the guys would jump into the pool, I would take off my shirt and jump in. That was actually the first time that I realized that I was a girl. When my mom said hey, you can't do that like you're a girl like you, can't you know?

Speaker 1: 10:41

And, uh, and I was very confused because I always thought that I was a boy. Um, that's why I try and make it as clear as I can, you know, when I speak in person, that this wasn't some type of fad. I wasn't a trans trender Like this. Is something that my father and my mother saw me suffer with and deal with since I was a child and um, so I suffered through that and when I was, let's say, 12 years old, 13, when puberty started hitting, right when my period started, right when my breasts started growing, I became to really be very what's the word I can use like depressed and the word that the trans community uses, dysphoria. So it literally means that you feel uncomfortable in your body, that you just almost want to like unzip yourself and like walk out. It almost like when you're so oh, you just want to scratch yourself and get out of your body.

Speaker 1: 11:35

And when my breasts started growing, I would duct tape my chest for hours on end. My stepdad would be like where did all my duct tape go? In the garage, and it was because I was so uncomfortable with my chest that it just needed to be flat. And I can't explain that other than that, but it was. No one chooses to do that unless they're actually uncomfortable with themselves. I'm talking, finally, when I would take it off, I have scars and me peeling off my skin from it.

Speaker 1: 12:04

So this wasn't like I'm trying to get some attention. No, I was struggling, I was uncomfortable and um and yeah, and I ran to the church and I ran for you know, to people to just not necessarily edify me or accept me. I just wanted the body of Christ to just love me where I was at, and instead I just faced so much rejection and so much shame that I ran to the queer community. And then I realized that I wasn't the only one that was struggling with gender identity. The first thing that I Googled when Google came out I feel so old saying that was you know, I am a girl, but I feel like I'm a boy trapped in a woman's body, and the word transgender came up, and it was the first time that I finally felt like I'm not in this alone. There's other people that are feeling the same way.

Speaker 2: 12:53

That is very interesting I'm curious about. I have so many questions, there's so many questions. I parked this one because I want to ask what the Christian community could do better. First. I want to ask that, but I also I kind of want to get your take on the spiritual aspect of this and how we're spiritual beings in a sense, that are living in this physical human world and I think that a lot of people outside of even gender identity, even just in their body, feel uncomfortable with being in their body. They don't like the body that they are in. They don't like the body that they are in and part of me wonders if it's because our spirit, our soul, whatever we might want to refer to it, as knows that we weren't meant to be here, it knows there is more for us later and it's like I don't like this body, get me out of here. I don't know. I mean, I'm curious kind of your thoughts on the spiritual aspect of humanness.

Speaker 1: 14:09

What's that I know I mean I can only speak for myself and like my side of things, but the more that I've been on this transformational journey with the Lord, like my husband and I, we just pray like God renew our minds, and with renewing of our minds it's been like a veil has been torn and we can see now why we did the things that we did. Both his testimony, you know, identifying as a gay man, and both my testimony, identifying as a transgender man for so many years. It was like the veil was torn and we were able to see clearly on why the decisions we made, like why we made the decisions that we made I think that's a better way to describe it.

Speaker 2: 14:48

And so for me I actually realized this on another podcast is I became the man that wasn't able to protect me during my sexual trauma that's what kind of what I was asking with the other question, but don't know, didn't know how to ask it in the right way, oh no no, but, like in the spiritual realm, this is what happened.

Speaker 1: 15:08

You know, I was five years old it's around the time my family got divorced, my covering, my father, was removed from the home. That was the perfect opportunity for the enemy to come in, since my father was removed, and rip away my innocence, and it was like that was where the seed was planted or the box was open when sin entered. You know, and I know, that we're born sinners, but like this is where the seed was planted. Because you think about the first five, you know, 10 years of the child's life, they're very impactful. And because something so traumatic happened to me and I do believe that you know like, yes, I did struggle, yes, but it's not a coincidence that almost every single person in this community has experienced some type of sexual trauma, and so I just feel like this, really, and you know, I know that this is a trigger word, but it's the only word that I can say.

Speaker 1: 16:03

I'm not saying it for judgment, but this experience, the sexual trauma that happened to me, really perverted my identity. It perverted what intimacy and sex is supposed to be between a husband and a wife. It ripped away my innocence to where I wasn't just able to be a kid. I finally met my husband and he's taught me how to be a kid in my early twenties, because all of that was ripped away from me. So in the spiritual realm the enemy has been after me and our children in this day now, because they know the power of ripping away children's innocence.

Speaker 2: 16:41

Wow, it's so true. You're speaking such truth on protecting our children too. It can be very tough because we want our children to have experiences, right, we want them to go to Sunday school or to VBS or to school, to different events or different places, to different events or different places. But we have to use discernment when it comes to who is with and around our children, and I think that it's very easy for people today to say no. I mean like there's a whole debate about sleepovers that I see all the time that people are like no sleepovers ever, and then there's people that are like you guys are just a bunch of babies, you know. But it's a real thing that things happen to children at sleepovers and it's important that we protect our children. We are their parents, we're the protector, we're not going to protect themselves. And I know for me personally as a mom, it can be challenging because I I want my kids to experience. I'll give you an example VBS, right.

Speaker 1: 17:51

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 17:51

But of course then I'm like who? Who are the people that are that are going to be taking care of my child? I want to know who they are and where they're going to be, and all that kind of stuff. I'm curious how you feel you know now that you're a mom.

Speaker 1: 18:12

Oh, mama bear 2.0. My husband and I we had so many conversations of boundaries, of what we were comfortable with, what we weren't comfortable with at the start of finding out that I was pregnant, because we both experienced, you know, one way or another sexual trauma, and so we just wanted to make sure that at all costs we protect our child and her innocence and, you know, our future children to come. And it's hard because, you know I counsel a lot of moms. They're like, well, what do I do? I'm like I'm not God. So you got to seek the Lord and, like you said, counsel.

Speaker 1: 18:42

A lot of moms are like, well, what do I do? I'm like I'm not God. So you got to seek the Lord and, like you said, discernment, like I just always pray that, like the Lord gives us discernment on what decisions to make for our kids. But let me tell you, like it normally happens with kids that have already been sexually abused, maybe you know the parent didn't do it, but you also have to understand that, like, kids that are abused sometimes abuse other kids. So it's not just the parents you have to look at, it's not just the people around, it's also the children that we have to worry about, and so I'm just like, ah, we're no, we're no on a lot of things, um, but also giving our children a life of adventure, and yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2: 19:26

Well, I already dropped that bomb that you're a mom guy. I skipped ahead in your story, but I hope that, like I can't wait to talk about that a little bit more, because what a transformation, right you. So let's walk through the transition process and all that. You were a teenager, you were a young adult when you went through transition. What was that experience?

Speaker 1: 19:48

like yeah, so I identified as Austin for 14 years of my life. Seven years of that was legal transition. So at that time it's not like California now where you can just go to the DMV and check a box Like I legit had to go to therapy.

Speaker 1: 20:03

um, I had to get legal documents to get approved, to get surgeries to get my name changed like it was a whole thing, because back then, therapists wanted to make sure this is who you really believe that you are, because you are making life-altering decisions that you cannot come back from. Like, my voice is never going to be what lex's voice was before. Uh, I'm always forever going to be what Lex's voice was before. I'm always forever going to, unfortunately, have this Adam's apple, but I am believing if God wants to remove it, then he can't, just like. I'm also believing, you know, like, if God wants me to grow back breasts, then he'll make it happen, but I took them away from me and we can get to that in the future. But, yeah, I, I, uh, I was born again in 2015, and this is where a lot of people like have different opinions, and it's very, it's very frustrating in the sense that we believe that people that struggle with one sin can't be saved, and what I mean by that is I was rejected so much from the church.

Speaker 1: 21:03

I attempted suicide three times when I was a teenager. I finally felt the leading of the Lord. I'm giving you major spark notes right now to go to this youth group that friends you know from school kept inviting me to, and I just saw these kids worshiping God and man. Let me let's talk about the power of influence, the power that you have, that God has given each of us to influence others. I remember looking at these kids, thinking I don't know what they have, but I want it.

Speaker 1: 21:30

I saw like jumping up and down praising God and it kind of weirded me out. There's a little bit of a charismatic church. They took off their shoes why are they taking their shoes off? And she's like well, what do you do when you get home? And I'm like I take my shoes off. And she's like well, welcome home. And she taught me how to worship and I just felt the presence of the Lord and I rededicated my life. And a lot of people get upset about that, with people's religiosity. They're like well, you couldn't have given your life to Jesus if you're still struggling with this?

Speaker 1: 22:10

And my question is you're telling me that God's asking you to get it all cleaned up before you follow him, because if you were struggling with alcoholism, no one would say that. If you were struggling with porn, no one would say that. I'm not saying that God was all cool with the way that I was living, but I am saying that he saw this is where I'm at and he was willing to walk with me. So, instead of the church doors closing, the Lord walked with me and on that journey he removed that porn addiction that I struggled with On that journey.

Speaker 1: 22:31

He removed this idea that I was only worth the value of my body, because for my teen years to adult years since that's all I was taught as a child I thought that that was only what my body was worth was just sex. And he removed so many. He removed the bitterness and anger that I had towards my mom being an alcoholic. I was on this journey of getting to the end of myself and the Lord walked with me during all of it, and then he met me on my face in a hotel room I think we're going on two years now and the Lord told me to detransition.

Speaker 2: 23:06

Wow, wow, that's just amazing. Well, again, I have so many questions. When you're talking, I'm like I want to ask more detail about this and this and this, so I don't want to jump too far ahead. I think you're good. Yeah, how old were you when you transitioned into Austin?

Speaker 1: 23:26

Um, so okay, so publicly I lived my life for 14 years, so I was already like seventh, eighth grade, identifying publicly, as Austin schools never contacted my parents to let them know I was using the boys restroom, identifying all of that.

Speaker 2: 23:43

So did your parents know or did you change? You got home, or what was that like?

Speaker 1: 23:47

I was living dual lives. I was living Lex at home, austin at school, and yeah. And then at one point, when I was, I think, a junior in high school, my mom kicked me out Because I I came out multiple times, you know, first as like a lesbian, then I came out as like being trans. That's normally what happens with trans people and my family took it horribly. I was told things like if I would have known that you were going to be my child, I would have gotten an abortion, and it never gets easier to say that that's not a very Christian thing to say.

Speaker 1: 24:22

Exactly, you know, I was told that I was an abomination and that I should just go kill myself because I was going to go to hell anyway. Um, and these are from people that were supposed to like love me. Um, and then I'd go to school and I was getting physically bullied, so it was like no safe place. And so, finally, my mom, she, she had like a drunken rage moment. She threw all my stuff out of the three-story apartment and she just told me, like basically, good luck.

Speaker 1: 24:54

And I remember walking from one city to another, calling all of like my friends, and no one answered the phone. And I walked all night to get to make sure that I can get to school the next day. And my dad just said, like hey, he, he lived three hours away. He's like, hey, like, I'm going to come pick you up, you can come live with me. And my like I said, you know, my, my parents were divorced. I'm like, okay, I made this commitment to my school because I'm on the drama team and we have this play going on.

Speaker 1: 25:23

So I was homeless for a week and my dad picked me up and we went to our small town, big Bear Lake, california, and he just said you know I don't understand, my dad didn't agree, but he's like I clearly see that this is something that you're struggling with and if this is what you want to identify as, then like, we'll just tell the school and you just like, live your life and I'm not here to judge you. Like I'm here to love you. And although I didn't have like cause, I grew up with a lot of. I would say I grew up with a decent amount of like money and privilege and stuff, and but when I went to my dad's Dads, we sometimes didn't even have all the bills on, but what we did have was love.

Speaker 1: 26:04

What we did have was family and I realized very quickly that love and family are the number one thing that you need, not all those little extra things, you know. And so my dad was just on this journey with me and I'm really glad that I had him, because I know that at any moment, if I said you know what, this isn't me, he wouldn't have pushed me and said well, we already did all this?

Speaker 1: 26:28

Well, we already talked to him he would have loved me through it all and it just really showed me that that um, I know that some parents can disagree with the way that you know he handled the situation. I think he couldn't have handled it better because he put it in my court he always, he always raised me to say I can tell you that that fire is going to burn you, but until you put your hand in there, you know you're not going to know that it burns. But, like my dad, was there and is there for me through it all. So I'm very grateful that he got to be that rock in a time that was so hard for me rock in a time that was so hard for me.

Speaker 2: 27:05

That's amazing. You know you are bringing up such a great area of conversation for us too that this is going to be something that many parents face in today's society. You know we talked about how now this is a very it's a common practice thing that is in schools and you know social media on TV and all that. How should parents handle this?

Speaker 1: 27:32

I get a lot of prayer calls with a lot of moms. That's getting to the point where I think I'm going to create a zoom group. There's a lot of moms that don't like like they. They feel like they're the only ones going through this. And let me tell you, if you're listening and you have a kid that's going through this, you are not the only one. There's plenty of other parents who are struggling with this.

Speaker 1: 27:51

Number one never stop praying for your kids. Absolute number one. What I'm saying is don't lay hands and like, try and pray the gay way or pray the trans way, because that did nothing but push my husband and I further away from God than it did to bring us closer to him. There's so much power in going into our prayer closet and interceding on behalf of those that we love. So much power. So, number one never stop praying. I don't care if your son or daughters are beyond hormones, getting surgery. Believe the word of God says that when we pray for something, that we have to be fully convinced and then it will happen. Be fully convinced that transformation will happen. Maybe the circumstances don't seem right, maybe it seems like their mind won't change. Pray and believe there's a redemption story in all of our hearts. So that's the number one thing.

Speaker 1: 28:44

Number two I always like to tell parents be the best point of contact that you can be. And what I mean by that is don't let Joe Schmo, holding the sign saying that your kid's going to hell, be the only Christian in their life quote unquote Christian. Be that Christian mother or father where your kid can come and fall apart to you. And what I mean by that is, like, think about how Sarah called Abraham Lord. I just started applying that into my marriage of even like the smallest sin to the biggest sin, just coming to my husband and honoring him, enough to the point of saying, like, hey, if you're the high priest of this household, then I need to confess even just this thought that came to my mind, because I know that you're not going to judge me, but you're going to cover me in prayer and understand that I'm human, you know. And so I always tell parents, like be that person in your child's life where they can come to you and spill the beans of what they're going through and not feel like you're going to judge them, not feel like you're going to reject them, but you're going to be a good example of Christ.

Speaker 1: 29:46

If we read in the gospels, we hear that Jesus says that he is that. I'm sorry that God says he's excited, that there is literally a celebration that happens when the lost sheep comes back home, and so we have to be that safe place for people and through that it's like in the middle of conversations I understand that parents want to be like. Well, the Bible says this. You don't even have to do that. Understand, especially when it comes to this topic, if your child or your friend or someone that you know has the courage to talk to you about this because it takes courage has the courage to walk into a church, respond with such love and grace and kindness, because it took a lot for them to be able to even get to that point. Maybe they've already been rejected from their Christian family. Maybe they've already been persecuted from what they think Christians are. Be that good, godly example where you'll ask the Holy Spirit to give you discernment and wisdom and words of knowledge to speak over that person instead of coming from a place of judgment.

Speaker 2: 30:54

That's good advice, very good advice. It can be very challenging and I think that a lot of parents end up pushing their children away. Like you mentioned, with your mom's situation, it's like she wasn't and I don't want to speak for your mom because I wasn't there but it's almost like sometimes we want something to happen the way we want it to happen, or we want someone to be who we want them to be, and when they're not who we want them to be, we reject them. And it feels a lot like that was the situation that happened, and it obviously says much more about how her and her emotions than it does about you and what you were going through.

Speaker 1: 31:36

She didn't know how go ahead Her reasoning, because you know, when you're drunk like you, say a lot of stupid things, and so I obviously give my mom a lot of grace in that.

Speaker 1: 31:46

And it's always hard to talk about the things that have happened in the past with her, because I'm so thankful that God gave her and I like two years, two sober years, before she went home, and I'm actually writing a book about my whole testimony and like what God did in this hospital room with her and how people got saved and just crazy God encounters that happened through the testimony of even my mom's life and our testimony together and the goodness of God.

Speaker 1: 32:12

But I bring that up because she told me she apologized to me when she was sober and she says look, everything that I said to you was horrible and I pray that you forgive me. My perspective was at the time I thought that if you heard that from your mother, you would change, because I knew that the world was gonna say those things to you and I'm like mom, that's not an excuse and she's like, but it's true, like I figured, if you heard it from your mom, she used to say you look so ugly, oh, that makes sense. You, she used to say you look so ugly, oh, that makes sense you need to put on makeup. She was trying so hard to fit me into the mold of being a woman and fit in with the world, because she knew that I was standing out so much that the world was going to crap all over me and it was going to be hard for me. But that still was not the right way to go about it.

Speaker 2: 32:58

Absolutely. It sounds like she had a lot of oppression going on too, perhaps at that time in her life. You know, obviously with alcohol and whatnot, there's there's strongholds, there's doors that we open up in those situations. I'm curious and this might be too personal to ask on this podcast I'm not sure Were you ever able to process what happened when you were younger with your parents, and how did they take that?

Speaker 1: 33:26

Yeah, when I went through a lot of therapy when I became an adult and you know, therapy is so important, so yeah. I'm an agreed. One of the most beautiful things that I did was I don't know if you've ever heard of it, but it's called freedom prayer. Have you heard of that?

Speaker 2: 33:46

No, I haven't.

Speaker 1: 33:47

So it's so incredible. So this church that I actually rededicated my life at Marietta, california, it's called Centerpoint Church. They have a freedom prayer and what that is is they have an actual certified therapist and a pastor and you come into this two to three hour prayer session with both the spiritual guidance and then you know a therapist and a lot of people that undergo sexual trauma. They relive the experience and they invite the Holy Spirit, they invite the Lord into it and there's someone that's writing down your whole conversation with God, what you're seeing in the room, what you're feeling. You can even, like you know, talk to your younger self. I mean, at one point I remember talking to my younger self like they were saying what does little Lex need to hear right now?

Speaker 1: 34:36

And something to note is at the time I went as Austin At the time I was identifying as Austin in this prayer session and was still able to have an encounter with the Lord, was able to see where he was in that room of trauma, was able for him and I to be present in a moment and to know that he was so heartbroken that that happened to me and it wasn't God, it was the devil, and it was such a healing thing for me to experience because we recently moved and I found that whole dialogue that I had with the Lord and just see my life now. The transformational power that I've experienced now is beautiful. So freedom prayer would highly recommend that there's churches all around the world that do it.

Speaker 1: 35:21

And the second thing that I experienced is when I finally had the courage to tell my mom. I was about 13 years old and I remember she opened the fridge door and she was pouring a glass of wine. Probably not the best time to tell her, but that's just kind of how my childhood childhood was she was always drinking. And it took me so much to finally say something because, with this specific traumatic moment I was telling her about was from a family friend that I told, that was older than me, was a teen when I was seven, and told me that I ever said anything, that he was going to murder my whole family and all this stuff. And so I finally have the courage to word, vomit this out of my mouth to my mom with tears down my face and she finishes pouring her glass, she puts the bottle down and she says so that's why you're an effing freak.

Speaker 2: 36:13

And it broke me. Oh my, that is awful. You have to know that that was the demons that were inside of her that said that to you. Yes, I know all of that. I'm so sorry. I don't mean to make you relive all of this.

Speaker 1: 36:34

Oh no, no, you're fine. I always pray that the Holy Spirit just only has me reveal or talk about what he is desiring me to talk about. So I'm sure this will minister to someone's heart. During all of this, during the rejection from the church from my family, I remember being in my room and I literally have like 15 bibles around me, because I was searching the bible about this sexual sin that I was struggling with and I didn't want to. I didn't want to hear it from such a hateful person. I didn't want some guy holding a sign saying that I was going to burn in hell to tell me what the word said. I was so hungry and I sat there reading the word asking God to convict my heart, and it took years for me to finally let go and give it to God. Give this area of my life to the Lord, to God. Give this area of my life to the Lord. Um, and that's because it took me it.

Speaker 1: 37:42

God allowed me to fall in love with him, and what I mean by that is um. I like to tell people we can't expect people to die to self if they don't know that that died for them. So since the church never accepted me. I fell in love with Jesus at a Starbucks reading my Bible. I fell in love with Jesus when I was homeless, in my car. I fell in love with Jesus at times that my mom would abuse me and say demonic, horrible things like that, and the Lord would say forgive her, that's not her. It was a long journey, that's for sure absolutely.

Speaker 2: 38:18

You have been through such horrific experiences and it is no wonder that you are celebrating the goodness of god, because, through all of it, you are here and we're talking today and you have a sweet, beautiful family of your own, and now you are breaking these generational curses and these generational strongholds, and God is walking beside you and he loves you and I love you. You're amazing. You are truly amazing. Thank you for sharing this. This is I don't even have the words to say how much it means that you are open. Thank you, thank you. Thank you for sharing that. Well, let's talk about something positive.

Speaker 2: 39:20

All right, let's talk about your husband when did you meet your husband, and you two have been on a quite a journey together too.

Speaker 1: 39:33

Yes, yes, we have let's let's talk about that.

Speaker 1: 39:37

So my husband and I we actually went to the same small town high school but we never talked. The only time that I talked to him was we performed at a talent show to get there and I played and sung the guitar and then he played the piano after and I remember telling my friends I could finally say something, I finally have a reason to talk to him. So he'd walk by and I was like, hey, you did really good. And he just kind of like hopped and skipped and said, oh, thanks. And that was literally all we said in high school.

Speaker 1: 40:05

And then I graduated high school, I joined the army. I was in the army for three years. I was actually the first openly serving transgender religious affairs specialist in the entire United States Army, serving transgender religious affairs specialists in the entire United States Army. And so what that means is to my recruiters, like, what do you like to do? I want to find you a job in the military that you like I'm like well, I'm at church all the time, I love Jesus, and he's like well, I have the perfect job for you. And I had no idea that there was something called the unit ministry team. Our whole armed forces has it. And so I was doing ministry in the army and that really opened up my heart to serve and I not only serve my country but, you know, serve the Lord and and share, share the love of Christ with people.

Speaker 1: 40:47

So I came back from serving and my husband during that whole time was such a, you know, new age hippie. Um, on Kauai, he worked on a coffee farm, which I just love how God God worked it all out. We have a coffee ministry now. He was working on a coffee farm, he, uh, he got to the end of himself and he rededicated his life, came back home to California and was only expecting to be there for a brief moment and we fell in love in a small town coffee shop. And it's a long story but, very briefly, like I wasn't planning on being at this coffee shop, I was being mentored by another pastor and I was being tested on the gospel of John and I just knew if I was at home. You know, I probably would want to be on my phone. So I'm like I'll just go to this coffee shop and study.

Speaker 1: 41:40

And my husband was actually driving to a spring, which is so funny because he was basically driving to a well and part of my testimony is I was the woman at the well. I prostituted myself, I struggled with just finding my worth and all of that, just with my body and stuff. So someone else called that out in a podcast and I'm like that's so crazy. He was on the way to the well but he just heard the Holy Spirit say turn around, you need to go to this coffee shop. At the same time I'm upstairs studying, you know, to be away from the crowds.

Speaker 1: 42:08

We lived in a ski resort town so I didn't want to be bothered by people because I was studying. And I heard the Holy Spirit say go downstairs on the biggest table, lay everything out. So I'm thinking maybe someone needs prayer. I don't know. I go downstairs and just study gospel John. I hear the back door and someone playing the piano and my husband sang the song best part. It's an R&B song and there's a line that says and those brown eyes are the ones that I desire. And I just went God, he's talking about me.

Speaker 1: 42:41

I turned around and I've never just been so attracted to a man in my life and I just began to like almost repent. I'm like God, like you told me to come down here. I'm so sorry I'm being distracted by like this cute guy. I had no idea that was the plan. The whole time, two weeks up into this moment, I was only dating women.

Speaker 1: 42:58

I was only attracted to women up until I was very young. And I fell on my face at this beautiful dock just overlooking the lake and I just said, lord, I know you, I know you now, I know your heart. I know that you want what's best for me. I know that you want me to live life, and life to the fullest. If this life that I'm living is not what I'm supposed to be living, then change me. If you have the power to do all these things, then change me. And so I said, god, if me being attracted to women is not what you want for me, then make me sexually attracted to a man, make me physically, emotionally, spiritually desiring of that and literally, like boom, I meet the love of my life.

Speaker 2: 43:39

No, you knew him from high school. And then you randomly met at this coffee house. Did you guys, did you immediately recognize him, that you're like oh, it's you.

Speaker 1: 43:50

Or you didn't know. It took me a second. And then I was like, oh wait, I went to high school with that guy. And so I first like got good playing, went to high school with that guy and so I first like got done playing the piano and he walked by and he grew up in a Lutheran church so he didn't really know that like relationship with Jesus was a thing. He grew up with a lot of religiosity and so he was um, weaning himself off from the new age and so he rededicated his life and he walks by and he's he's talking to the brewista, which is actually my roommate at the time.

Speaker 1: 44:20

He's like, how weird, like the spirit just like led me here and I said, oh, the spirit, why don't you sit down so I can talk to you about the holy spirit? And we talked about god and we talked about rededicating his life and I asked him if he knew what the gift of the tongues was and if he knew what it was. Explain to him what it was. I asked him, like, do you want to receive a gift of tongues? And if it's the Lord's will, then you know, maybe you'll receive a gift. That night he prayed and he received the gift of tongues on our first not actual first date, but our first meet.

Speaker 2: 44:50

Oh, that's interesting. Tell us a little bit about that. We haven't talked about the gifts of tongues on this podcast yet, so tell us about that.

Speaker 1: 44:57

Yeah, it's like your own private conversation with God and I think I mean, if you want to go full blown, like Bible college. There's so many different types of tongues, you know. There's tongues that you are just called to translate other people. There's tongues that you're called to publicly pray in tongues and there's tongues that you're called to just.

Speaker 1: 45:16

It's a private thing and for me it's more of like a private thing, Like sometimes you may not know what to pray, but in the spirit, your, your soul, will pray whatever the Lord is putting on your heart. And it's like I could be praying over you and I can be praying, you know, against anxiety and depression and all of that is powerful. But if I have a gift of tongues, I know that the Lord can say it so much better he can be praying for things like so much more than I even know what's going on in your life. And so I just laying hands and praying tongues is just for me has given me so much overwhelming amount of peace, especially in times where I don't know what to pray or how to pray.

Speaker 2: 45:59

Yeah, thanks for sharing that. I don't think that that's something that's talked about much in church communities per se. You know, in certain churches obviously it is, but in a lot of the non-denominational churches these days I don't think that it's something that's discussed. But there's biblical context to this. Yeah.

Speaker 1: 46:17

And it's not something that is required for salvation. There's some churches that believe like, well, you have to pray in tongues to be saved. That's not true. The Lord gave so many different spiritual gifts, like we are all unique and made in his image, and so I want to make that clear, because some churches are like you have to pray in tongues to be a Christian. That is not true. You might have such a spiritual gift of wisdom, discernment, let's say your spiritual gift is also that you're musically talented and you can sing. God didn't make me a singer, he made me a speaker. It's powerful. I just think that it's important to say that it's not required for salvation.

Speaker 1: 46:55

It's just something that you know God lets us do.

Speaker 2: 47:10

I think a lot of us take a while or have a struggle to sometimes to sensing when others are going through some kind of demonic oppression, let's say and I don't always know what to do with that, because I, you know, a lot of communities are like, oh well, it's not something that is talked about enough Until recently. It's come up a ton in the couple of years that I have now been open to having these conversations about it. But you know, it's one of those things that there's a lot of people that are seers, that can see, you know the spiritual world and that can sense it or feel it, and I think it's important to not shoo that stuff away but to really pray. Like you mentioned earlier, it's all about prayer and praying for the Lord to open our gifts or help us to understand it or access what gift he has for us in this world. Yeah, I agree.

Speaker 1: 48:16

And then just look at all the gospels too.

Speaker 1: 48:22

I mean in the gospels. It talks about a lot of demonic oppression and at the end of the gospel John, you know the Lord talks about how we'll receive the Holy Spirit. And the Holy Spirit is our advocate and through the Holy Spirit we're going to be doing, we're going to be able to do, greater things than even Jesus did. Why do we skip across that verse? Like God called us to be the hands and feet of Jesus, that means that we should be able to lay hands on people and believe that the demonic oppression has to flee, that at the name of Jesus, fear has to flee, anxiety has to flee, healing has to happen because it already did at Calvary, you know but we have to be a body of believers that is willing and able to truly believe in our full identity, authority and power that we have in Christ.

Speaker 2: 49:04

Yeah, Amen. Are you familiar with the book Prayers that Shake Heaven and Earth?

Speaker 1: 49:10

No, but it sounds like I need it.

Speaker 2: 49:12

It's a good one. It is a good one. There are there's a part two or there's multiple versions, but when I first read that book I'm like man, this is how to pray. It was very helpful to me because I'm really relating to what you're saying about. Sometimes we don't have the words, we don't know exactly what to say. We know what we want to pray against or for in some senses, but we don't always know the words to say. So that's very helpful.

Speaker 2: 49:40

Thank you so much for tuning into this week's episode. As you've heard, lex has an amazing testimony, but it isn't over just yet. Join us next week to hear the rest of Lex's story, where she shares more about getting married, her detransition experience and transition back to being a woman and, ultimately, the pregnancy and birth of her daughter. You will not want to miss one second. Today we are going to be closing with Romans 10, verses 11 through 13. As scripture says, anyone who believes in him will never be put to shame, for there is no difference between Jew and Gentile. The same Lord is Lord of all and richly blesses all who call on him, for everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. We are wishing you a radiant week and we'll see you next time. Bye.