[00:00:00] Dr. Nate Salah
Hello, my friend, and welcome to this two-part series on A Call to Leadership. I'm Dr. Nate Salah, your host, I am so glad you are here. If you're a father, and you've had trouble in the space of Dading, and I know I have, whether it's been through the trials we've faced as parents or the trials we face as children of parents, this episode will be life-giving. I've invited a dear friend of mine, Mr. Scott Reed, who has recently written a book called The Power of a Dad. And it is so encouraging, inspiring, deep with wisdom, he's going to share some of his principles that have guided him in this world and continue to help men, fathers become the dad that they are called to be. Can't wait for you to listen in. This is A Call to Leadership. Mentorship, in this space of fatherhood, how important is that? And how do we manifest it?
[00:00:59] J. Scott Reed
Wow, yeah, mentorship to our sons. Unfortunately, there are think a lot of dads that do that obedience first. And to just explain more about what I used to tell you. I actually wrote about that in the raising chapter, this book too, but that we work on the kind of parents and thankfully, Holly and I had unity. I know there's a lot of parents out there that do not agree on how to raise kids. And that is an extremely difficult place. And I have a lot of compassion for parents that don't agree. Thankfully, Holly and I had a lot of unity. And we would just say to the boys, when we'd asked them to do something that they didn't understand, and they wanted to talk about it or argue or push back, we would simply say, here's what I need you to do. I want you to obey and do it. And then we'll talk about it. And when it comes to the this idea of mentorship, this is a whole nother thing, a whole nother level of that.
[00:01:52]
Unfortunately, there are the dads that demand obedience and demand respect. And yet we all are hypocrites. On some level, we all have things that we say we are and we don't actually totally fulfill. So it's in all of us. But dads will demand respect demand obedience, and yet they do not live in a way that their sons and daughters can grow up watching and saying, I want to be like my dad in that area, or I wish I was more like him in this or that. That issue alone that hypocrisy issue, I think derails our ability to mentor our kids and to truly raise them in a way where it's like, look, I'm further. The way I describe it in the book is I'm further up the mountain or I'm further up the rock climb than you and I have a perspective you don't have. And so when I tell you, hey, that grab that handhold or grab this handhold or that's a slippery piece of flooding right there. Be careful, you're going to trust me because you see my life right? If we as dads are not pursuing mentors ourselves and being poured into by wise men and women buy leaders in our lives that we place ourselves under because we want to grow and we want to get further up the mountain to our kids are not going to want to follow our kids are not going to accept any mentorship from someone that they do not see driving and growing and wanting to be better and wanting to learn.
[00:03:17]
So part of the best way I mentor the boys is I show my scars all the time. Hey, boys, let me tell you about when I was your age, and some ways I super I majorly screwed up. And I apologized to him all the time when I overreact and when I like was too hard on him for no good reason. Like, dude, I came down on you way harder than I needed to on that you deserve some correction, but not like I gave it to my voice was raised. That was short, it was bad. Man. I think if you asked my boys, they would probably say the things that they admired and the most and potentially about me was that I'm just man, I screwed up that royally. And I want to do better than that. They watched me as a dad trying to get better. And so it makes them want to try to get better. So I'd say from a mentor standpoint, that's the sauce in my life.
[00:04:10] Dr. Nate Salah
Yeah, man. I think you know, someone listening is thinking that through because we often think that apologizing or admitting when we've missed it is weakness. It's really just the opposite. Man. It's the pinnacle of true strength. And when we say you know meekness is not weakness, it's power under control, or I love the way Dr. Peterson puts it his swords. She'd it's difficult at first, I think. And for me, the same sort of philosophy is, look, hey, I was too harsh there. This is not the way I meant to say it. I said it that way and I know it's hurtful. Let me rephrase that, and giving our children an example of number one to walk in that humility to to own our mistakes three to own the correction of our errors, and then for I doubt any of our children would ever say why dad was so weak when he actually admitted that he missed it. Now the opposite like that. Thank you. We thank you, right? I mean, that's the connection. It's a deeper connection in the relationship. If you're listening, and this is perhaps been a struggle, man, take the first step in a quiet place and say, Hey, whether it was yesterday, whether it was last week, whether it was last year, there's no moratorium, there's no statute of limitations on making things right on reconciliation. Yeah,
[00:05:41] J. Scott Reed
there's a story, Nate, I didn't write it in the book. But it just happened to me there was a dad and I connecting after years, it was at like a high school reunion is 2530 years. And we've had a rough start, where he was kind of like a bully to me early on. And then we became really good buddies. And I'm standing there, and he's got two young daughters. And I say to him, I said, how cool is this man, that you and I are standing here, we're good friends, we have such respect for each other, and yet used to be such a jerk to me. And I said this, and we're laughing, right? And he's, like, an early high school and middle school or whatever, you remember those times you were so we or whatever. And we laugh, eventually reached out disappointed. His girls were when they heard that news that their dad had been kind of mean to somebody in high school. I said, Have you never talked to your girls about how you were mean to some people in high school? I mean, who wasn't mean to people in high school, like, you've never talked to your daughters about how you were mean?
[00:06:39]
And he's like, nope, and they were so disappointed. And I actually kind of had a good moment with him where I was like, buddy, you got to fix that that's not on me or anyone else, you need to show some scars here. Because if your daughters don't think you did anything wrong, in high school, if your daughters don't ever feel like you messed up, then when they mess up, they're certainly not coming to you with that. They're going to keep that quiet or go somewhere else. You showing scars to your kids are the open door for that when they mess up. They know that dad's a safe place. So I just encouraging anyone listening. I know it feels like weakness at times. But showing your scars is a huge, huge gift to your kids.
[00:07:21] Dr. Nate Salah
Yeah. And you do it appropriately with age appropriateness and circumstances and having the conversation with your spouse perhaps around different things if you have that opportunity. And I found the same thing. And there's still things that I haven't told Abram yet looking at, I was a lot of trouble when I was young, just about everything I did was wrong. You know, I don't want to overload him with all that, but it is important, it's important to reveal that life is imperfect. It's messy. And I've had challenges. And here's the thing, just because I've made errors, and I've got scars, and I've shared that with you doesn't mean that you're going to have a life either that is straight and narrow.
[00:08:02]
You're gonna veer off from time to time, and perhaps some of the decisions you make will have consequences that weren't what you intended. Love you. God loves you. That doesn't change the promise. Yeah, it doesn't choose a promise. Here's something you mentioned earlier. And we have to talk about this because this is an Achilles heel. For many dads, and has been for this dad as well. Dads get busy dads want to provide we are focused on making a provision for our family and perhaps our full present. Life isn't as present as we would hope. In fact, I was just watching. There was a program on TV last night, and I wasn't watching the whole thing, but it was about the wrestlers back in the 90s WWF and all that it was an interview of a daughter of a wrestler. She was talking about her dad, this is a common theme. Not just wrestlers, but just busy dads. And our eyes start welling up in the interview, and she's talking about how much she loved her dad, that he was gone 300 days out of the year. And she just wished she could have time. Man in his heart.
[00:09:07] J. Scott Reed
Yeah, man. And I know a lot of dads carry a lot of guilt about that. I have no words to say that fix that at all. And I don't even have a good solution to that. Again, this is a complicated thing being a dad. What I know to be true, though, by just so many conversations with adult children like you and me. The thing that leaves the biggest mark in our lives is presents those men, those dad hearts, hopefully it was our dad but if we didn't have a dad around, hopefully, it was those dad hearts that just knew how to be with us and to listen and to go through experiences with us without trying to solve something or give us advice or working on something or doing something fun and that's a hard thing to forget realizing that like okay, they do get a little time off. So let's do a bunch of fun stuff that'd be really busy with fun stuff all day.
[00:10:02]
And sometimes our kids just want to be, you know, some of the greatest connections I ever had with my oldest son Tommy was on our drive across country from Chicago to college, three years ago, two and a half years ago, it was the most profound time of connection we'd ever had before. And we weren't doing anything for hours. We weren't doing anything. But sitting and waiting and listening and having conversation talking about music, and how have you heard this song, and it was just to get their time. And that's a superpower. And I think the sad thing is that there are so many dads that maybe were even home a lot, were home for dinners often were home, in their offices or working, but they were always busy doing something productive, and you talk to a lot of their adult children. And they would say things like, and I say this in the book, they would unfortunately say things like my dad wasn't around much.
[00:10:58]
And that would break dad's heart because he's like, What are you talking about? I was home all the time, right. But in their minds, the things they remember, dad wasn't really there. Maybe he was in the other room, but he wasn't really there. So I just say things like, I threw out a few just ideas like, Do you know what makes your kids laugh? Do you know what some of their big dreams are? And if you do awesome, you're doing it? This is great. You're making great progress. But if some of those questions I posed in the book are difficult to answer. It's probably because there's just a challenge with you knowing how to just really be with and not necessarily do. And man, you talk about the connections that is with us in the Lord, right. So often, I think the Lord that our father just wants us to just be and stop doing so much for him or in his name, or like, you know, just like getting we just be together.
[00:11:50]
And then that's a hard one for us, dads, especially for dads that have a lot going on. multiple businesses like this is challenging. And I would just say to somebody like you, Nate, you juggle a lot of things, but I believe about you because I know your nature and your character. I believe that when you're with Abram, he knows you are really there, your mind is with him, your heart is with him. Your time is with him. That is what he's going to remember more than anything that you guys did together, you know.
[00:12:21] Dr. Nate Salah
Received. Yeah, that fully present father is so important to eliminate the distractions. And we live in a very distracted world, whether it's the phone or the computer, or whatever's on our mind. And it takes quite discipline to begin to develop those habits. I'll be fully transparent. I remember times where my wife would say, I need your undivided attention. And I won't even tell her times when you need it, tell me and then I'm like what a buffoon. Like you have to tell your wife to alert you when she deserves your full. No, it is yours because it's what's right, by the way to be undivided is to be whole. We share that same language with the word integrity, to have integrity is to be whole, to be undivided, to be unbroken, we reach the integrity of a hull of a ship, what happens the ship sinks.
[00:13:19]
And I think that also speaks to our integrity as a father is to be whole and undivided, even in our minds in the moment with our children. And again, look like you said, we're all you know, guilty as charged, there's moments where the mind will wander or you'll have something you'll be reading an email or whatever it is. It's not what happened in the past. It's what can happen today. And tomorrow. And next week, we have choices. And even in my own walk with Avon, same as you. And some of their best times had been on a road trip and just us in a car, stopping at a gas station, getting a whole pizza, and just driving and talking and it might take hours before things start to unwind. And then the real questions start coming in. Yeah. And then you can get a little deeper and really start tilling that soil of life together.
[00:14:08] J. Scott Reed
Yeah, I talked about my dad, I have a great dad and he was busy. He worked a lot. But man, he was so good at just being that's where kind of the inspiration for that idea came from is that when I was sick, no one was better at just being by the bed than my dad. If he was working on something. And when I roll over wake up, he's ready. We always knew dad was available at any moment, and even with a busy schedule, and I so admired that and I want to be that kind of dad myself, you know, and
[00:14:39] Dr. Nate Salah
I'm thankful for that. And for every dad story, there's a dad story that is like yours, that richness of relationship. And then there's other dad's stories like mine where I had three dads and you know two step dads and a biological dad and I didn't have a lot of time in the saddle with any one of them. And the thing about whether you're are on the preserved side of fatherhood or that you have been in this space of you get to author a better future with your children. Either way, the choices we make. And I believe, based on what you said earlier, I don't want to lose this thought that you had mentioned, our direction as fathers informs our children, it informs our children, whether or not that this is a journey that is valuable, that's impactful that's relevant to them. And so it's election cycle, right? People are making decisions on who they're going to choose to follow.
[00:15:34]
And I tend to find that people, at least subconsciously ask at minimum two questions when they're looking for leadership that's worthy to be followed. Number one, do they know where they're going to? Do I want to go there? Yeah, that's good. And so with our kids, they're asking the same questions. And where are we going? Well, let's look at where we are devoting our time to wow, yeah, yeah. Where is it? And that devotion of time is a message that sends a beacon to our children to say, here's where I'm going. Whether or not you verbalize it, it's irrelevant. It's your actions that determine your destination, they've got to make a decision. And they will judge us based on whether or not it is important to them. That time of evaluation in our own lives, like taking inventory. Where am I going? Who am I follow them? Where am I devoting my energy? My resources? If you're married, how am I responding to my spouse?
[00:16:32] J. Scott Reed
Oh, you better believe they're watching that greatest gift you can give sons and daughters is healthy marriage. You know, we all and I feel that 100%. And we know there's a lot of broken homes, and there's reconciliation and redemption that the Lord has for all of us available. But you know, you said something, first of all, that's so well said, Nate, I love that. Where are you going? And do I want to go there? That's such a great dad. That's a great dad meant us back that mentoring thing we talked about. But let me say to you, your life is exactly probably why I was writing this book. And I really felt the Holy Spirit charged me to write this book. You obviously because you have three dads bounced around, never felt that security from a dad heart, at least in the home.
[00:17:19]
I know for a fact that God and His kindness to you because he did it to me to Holly so many broken families, that he did the same thing. He sent men into your life. I know it you and I've never talked about this, but I know it because of you the fruit of your life. He said wonderful men into your life at critical points as a little boy growing up, high school, college, whatever that you can probably think of right now two or three of them probably that are really important. That had a dad heart for you that saw you that called you up instilled things and you did not learn from biological dad or foster dad or whatever, these and Polly and I call those surrogate dads. And we get to be surrogate mom and dad here in LA to spiritually orphaned biologically orphaned 2030 somethings in Los Angeles. It's such a privilege.
[00:18:08]
But I know you, Nate, because of the fruit of your life, had these incredible men that poured into you at critical moments. And they probably don't even realize it, some of them. That's why I'm saying to all dads love men, please open your eyes to the opportunity all around you to love sons and daughters that really need a dad heart. Even if they've got a dad, they really need a good dad heart. You and I could talk for a long time about your story. But I guarantee you you can think of some men that were that for you.
[00:18:38] Dr. Nate Salah
Absolutely. Without a doubt and walking in that gratitude. For that influence. Even if it's unspoken, through the relationships, it's manifested in the fruit that it bears and turning around and being that as you move forward, and as you know, this, Scott, it's sometimes it's just words straight from the Spirit, you may not even remember, but it's implanted deep. And so being that source of wisdom, and inspiration, and really identifying that, and I have a place in this world that is of importance to this next generation that so desperately need a dead heart.
[00:19:18]
And this is maybe we've got to have more conversations later about this. That's a place that many of us perhaps haven't fully addressed. But your encouragement and your challenge is not only timely, but inspires. Before we go though, I have a final question for you. Sometimes posed to my wonderful guests one day as a dad as a husband, as a man who has lived this side of the journey before he moves on to the other side of eternity. We'll see that great summit you'll be on that final stage and you'll look at all of the things and the people that you impacted or all of these years. What is one thing that you would want them to have said about you?
[00:20:03] J. Scott Reed
That's such a great question. I more than anything, and I ever had started on this turn, because I had to think about that for truly like the last sentence of this book. But I would want people to save me, but he really loved his wife well. You and I both know we haven't talked about marriage. We've talked about dating, but no relationship is more difficult. It takes more humility and is more wonderfully and beautifully, chaotic and spectacular, all at the same time, than marriage. And I want people to say he really loved Holly well, that he was a great dad, that he laid his life down for Ephesians 525. Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church who gave Himself up for her. It's this picture of, of a man laying himself out to where and so many of us as men, again, it feels like weakness.
[00:20:57]
And it feels like none of that puts me in too much of a vulnerable spot where if people wanted to walk on me, no one walks on me, right? Men want to say stuff like that. And Jesus was saying, no, no, that's exactly where I'm laying. If people choose to walk on me, they do. But I am laying my life down. For the people I love and God. Jesus called us. Paul's writings called us to love our wives like that. And I believe love our children like that. No greater love than to lay your life down for your wife and your kids and your brothers and your sisters. And that would be the thing I'd want to set up and he really loves his family. Well, he loved people. Well, he loved the Lord with all of his heart. No greater headstone could be than that. So.
[00:21:38] Dr. Nate Salah
Well, you are well, well, well, on your way, brother. Thank you for being here. I guess the marriage one's gonna have to be our next round. I think I've heard it. Let's do that. So good to have you.
[00:21:50] J. Scott Reed
You too. Brother. Bless you, man.
[00:21:53] Dr. Nate Salah
Well, my friend, we did it again. I'm so glad you joined me on this episode of A Call to Leadership. If you've been with me on the show listening in, you'll know this. But if you're new, you may not know that I created a free course for you that you don't need to provide an email address. You don't need to go anywhere. But to stay right here in the podcast. I created the very first six episodes of the podcast because I wanted you to have the kind of value that you need to take advantage of to thrive as a leader. If you haven't done that yet, listen to episodes one through six. I'll see you on the next episode. I'm Dr. Nate Salah, and this is A Call to Leadership.