My BarStory S02E11 - Lauren Hamilton and Matt Besser

Lauren Hamilton wants to share her story to help others. Her legal career and her life were nearly destroyed by addiction. But, she came forward. She asked for help. Now, in this special edition of My BarStory, she talks with CMBA President Matt Besser to help remove the stigma of substance abuse and addiction, with the hope that her honest story will inspire those who have been afraid to get help themselves because they fear the career consequences.

To learn more about CMBA's In It Together initiative, visit clemetrobar.org/mentalhealth.

Transcript

Lauren Hamilton (00:00):
My name is Lauren Hamilton. I am a supervising attorney at the Legal Aid Society of Cleveland. I practice housing law, and I am in recovery from alcoholism and drug addiction.

Matt Besser (00:12):
Well, why'd you become a lawyer and and why? Housing law.

Lauren Hamilton (00:15):
I became a lawyer because I wanted to help people, and I had been told my entire life that I should be a lawyer. So I guess I'm a natural lawyer. I resisted that for a long time and eventually made my way to law school. My dream job was always to work at Legal Aid and eventually I ended up here.

Matt Besser (00:37):
What do you like about, about being a lawyer? About working at legal Aid, about housing law?

Lauren Hamilton (00:43):
So, I, I work with people who are going through chaotic times in their lives that are struggling with issues themselves, and I like to be able to, to help those individuals and, and to help empower them to be able to make changes in their own lives. I also love my colleagues and housing law specifically. You know, I, I feel like I'm able to make a difference in individual people's lives and families' lives, keep them in their homes.

Matt Besser (01:16):
You mentioned at the top that you're, you're in recovery. Has the practice of law played into your emotional wellbeing, your mental health? Has it affected your emotional or your mental health in some way?

Lauren Hamilton (01:30):
So I think that, you know, for all of us, any job is going to have an impact on one's emotional and, and mental wellbeing. I think it's particularly true in the legal profession. The impact that the practice has on my wellbeing has certainly changed over time. The, the degree to which it impacts my mental health has certainly lessened when I was in active addiction, when I was actually still drinking and also practicing law. The impact on my, my wellbeing was pretty extreme, so I was unable to cope. I was unable to separate my work life from my personal life. I had, you know, very high levels of stress, which resulted in kind of an emotional volatility, lots of anger, fear, and really I was, I was stagnant. I was unable to grow or change. The impact that the practice of law has on my, my mental and emotional wellbeing now is much different. Stress may result in me being critical or controlling or argumentative, but I'm much better able to compartmentalize and to, you know, create a wall between my work life and my personal life.

Matt Besser (02:57):
Was when you were in active addiction, do you feel like the practice of law caused that? Exacerbated it, it was gonna be there regardless. What do you think the, the x factor of the practice was on your addiction?

Lauren Hamilton (03:12):
So the practice of law certainly didn't cause addiction for me. I had untreated alcoholism when I started law school, really knew that I was an alcoholic since I was a teenager. It worsened, you know, throughout law school. It worsened as I, as I started my career, I was initially a solo practitioner. So I was, by nature of that, I was pretty isolated. Addiction and mental health issues are characterized by isolation. You know, I had this problem that I was unable to talk about. I was, you know, I was, I kept it to myself a hundred percent unless, you know, there were consequences of my addiction that people happened to notice. Other than that I was completely alone in my addiction. That allowed my addiction to really thrive and to, to progress over time.

Matt Besser (04:12):
Why did you feel like you couldn't talk about it?

Lauren Hamilton (04:16):
You know, I think generally there's still a huge stigma around addiction and mental health issues in society at large, but also in the legal profession. I had a fear that, you know, at least when I was in law school prior to becoming a lawyer, I had a fear that, you know, there would be an impact on my future career that I wouldn't be able to get to where I wanted to get in terms of in my career. And so it was something that I was always aware of and trying to fix. Mm-Hmm. <Affirmative>. But I was doing that alone. Yeah.

Matt Besser (04:52):
You, you've mentioned how, how the impact of your addiction, the practice of law has changed over time. What are, what are some of the things that have been helpful for you to be able to find balance to, to hopefully be able to find out a healthy way to practice and be in recovery?

Lauren Hamilton (05:10):
Well, certainly getting sober was the first step to that. But generally, in terms of my practice I think that it's extremely important to set boundaries. So setting boundaries with my clients, with my colleagues separating my work life from my personal life. So I, I really try to stick to, you know, I work between certain hours and when I'm home, I, I try to avoid working unless it's absolutely necessary. If I have a deadline or some, a trial coming up or something like that, I try not to take calls from clients after certain hours. I think it's really important, you know, to be able to live my life, spend time with my family and the people I care about. Besides setting boundaries and compartmentalizing, I found mindfulness meditation and yoga to be really helpful. I'm actually going on a meditation retreat in July, which will entail nine days of silence, <laugh>, and I'm really, really excited for that.

Matt Besser (06:14):
It's pretty unusual for a lawyer.

Lauren Hamilton (06:16):
I've done several of 'em, and I, I meditation has been one of the most helpful things. I'm also in a 12 step program and have been in that program for many, many years. That program has allowed me to build a, a support network of other sober people and, and to build trusting relationships so that I have people that I can talk to.

Matt Besser (06:40):
Ha has having a network of, of people who have been through something similar to what you've been through been an important part of your recovery? Has it been helpful to your wellbeing?

Lauren Hamilton (06:52):
It's been the most important part of my recovery. In fact, I was in and out of AA for, for many, many years, way back, going way back to before law school. So started going to AA meetings sometime around 2006. You know, I was in and out, in and out. And the one thing that kind of prevented me from maintaining long-term sobriety is that I was, I always had a, a guard up. I was, you know, unable to trust, unwilling to trust people and build the, the relationships that I needed to build. So I was essentially unable to accept help from other people. I believed that I could do it alone, that I was strong, that I was independent and competent, and I had been taught in my family that if I want, you know, something to be done right, I need to do it myself. And I really extended that to all facets of my life for years, believed that I could conquer addiction on my own.

Matt Besser (07:55):
So how did being exposed to a network of folks who understood what you were going through help you move forward in your mental emotional wellbeing and, and in your recovery?

Lauren Hamilton (08:08):
So, as I said, addiction is characterized by isolation. There's a, a writer, a journalist, I believe Johann Hari, who says that the opposite of addiction is connection. When I was in active addiction, one of the enduring thoughts or feelings that I had was that I was totally alone and that no one could possibly understand what I was going through. And that sounds somewhat absurd to say now, but at the time, I truly, truly believed it. That's, you know, one of the reasons that building those relationships and building connection has such an impact on mental health issues and addiction, is that I'm able to see that I'm not alone. That there are other people going through the exact same thing. And even if, you know, slight details, minor details of their stories, what they've been through are, are different than mine. The feelings are exactly the same.

Matt Besser (09:07):
Yeah. I, I can speak from experience with, with, with my own mental health struggles, that it's not, progress is not always linear. You know, sometimes you have setbacks, sometimes you have, you have bad days, weeks, or months. Is it like that with substance abuse recovery? And how do you handle times when it feels like you're having a setback or, or you're not, you're not progressing the way that you want to?

Lauren Hamilton (09:34):
My recovery has not been linear. It's been full of twists and turns and obstacles and stumbles. As I said, I've kind of been in and out of the program of recovery off and on over many, many years, decades, really. And so of course, there have been setbacks and frustrations, and sometimes those are small setbacks, you know, that are occurring. Maybe, like you said, you have a bad day. Sometimes they're bigger setbacks. The way I deal with those setbacks and the kind of fallout that those setbacks can, can create in my life is really to have self-compassion, self-forgiveness, grace, which is, you know, of course not an easy thing to do, especially as someone who tends to be somewhat judgmental and critical. And, you know, when I'm critical, the person I'm most critical of is myself. And so really finding a way to have compassion for myself and, and to realize that it's okay to make mistakes. And the biggest thing is to, to be able to ask for help. That's the key.

Matt Besser (10:48):
Was there a particular moment in time or a particular person or a particular event that finally allowed you to take the first step for your, for your recovery and your wellbeing?

Lauren Hamilton (11:01):
I wouldn't say it was the first step, because as I said, it was, it wasn't a linear progression, right? So I had taken many steps over time. I had tried essentially everything, every possible way to, to conquer addiction. I had tried it. I got to a point in my addiction where I no Laurlonger knew who I was. I could not look in, look at myself in the mirror. When I looked in the mirror, I saw someone that I didn't know and that I despised, really, I had become a shell of a person, a ghost. I remember the moment, you know, when I decided, not that I had to take the first step because it wasn't the first step, but that I had to become willing to ask for help and to allow other human beings to, to help me. And I was I was at Edgewater Park.

Lauren Hamilton (11:56):
I was living in my car. I was almost completely out of money. I mean, literally had like a dollar to my name. I had run out of drugs. There was a kite festival going on at Edgewater. It was really early in the morning. And so there were all these people setting up for this kite festival, and they had started flying their kites, and they had all of their kind of belongings and gear, you know, set on these tables to the side, and no one was watching their stuff. Where I was at that point in, in my active addiction, I looked at those people looking up at their kites in the sky, and I realized that I could very easily steal their belongings. And when I had that thought, I pulled my visor down and looked at myself in the mirror. And I just, I had this moment where I had no idea who I had become.

Lauren Hamilton (12:55):
And I realized that the one thing that I really mostly wanted to, to steal from those people was the look of joy on their faces. And I, at that point, no longer really believed that there was any hope for me. I had seen that this program had worked for other people, that people had maintained sobriety and were happy and healthy. But I didn't believe that it would work for me. But I, I knew that I didn't want to die for my addiction. And, and so there was just like this little tiny sliver of hope that I held onto. And it was in that, in those moments that I decided that I was going to ask for help, give aa a chance and, and really do the thing.

Matt Besser (13:42):
From an outside perspective, it seems like you have come so far. Do you feel that way inside? Are there times when you still question whether you've come so far? Are you proud of yourself for how far you've come, objectively speaking, regardless of how you feel?

Lauren Hamilton (14:03):
Most days, I feel like I have come incredibly far. You know, it's, it sounds a little cliche or trite, but I, you know, I, I I look at myself as a miracle, really. I shouldn't be alive, you know, that's, that's how bad it got. There are of course, days when, and I, I don't think this is unique to me. I think that as attorneys, a lot of us feel like this at times. There are days when I feel like a fraud, when I feel like an imposter when I feel like I don't deserve to be in the position that I'm in doing the things that I'm doing. But most days, I'm incredibly proud of myself. You know, I, I look across the street at the Justice Center where I lived for a couple months of my life when I was in active addiction, and I'm able to see every day how far I've come.

Lauren Hamilton (14:57):
Yeah. And I've also gotten to the point where I'm able to look back. And this has come, you know, this has taken many years, many years in recovery to get to this point. But the kind of spiritual transformation that I feel like I've undergone over my time in recovery has enabled me to really be proud of the fact, and not only proud, but grateful that I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. And I'm able to recognize that those things, while they may have caused me lots and lots of pain and caused my loved ones lots and lots of pain, they also have given me, you know, these life experiences that make up who I am. And when I'm able to be vulnerable and share my story, I recognize that, you know, my experiences and how far I've come, I, I can help people by sharing that.

Matt Besser (15:51):
You've shared your story with other people before, right?

Lauren Hamilton (15:54):
Many times.

Matt Besser (15:55):
What kind of feedback do you get from folks after they hear what you have to say?

Lauren Hamilton (15:59):
Most people tell me, I should write a book, <laugh> <laugh>

Matt Besser (16:03):
Can I write the forward

Lauren Hamilton (16:04):
<Laugh>? Okay. People are typically blown away, you know, by how far I've come. And if you knew me, you know, when I was at my worst, you wouldn't, you wouldn't recognize me. I was a completely different person. But that person is, is still a part of who I am.

Matt Besser (16:23):
Do you feel like sharing your story has helped, has helped others? Has it helped you?

Lauren Hamilton (16:29):
Absolutely. There are a couple promises in the program of aa, and they, they go something like no matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will come to see that our experience can benefit others, and we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. And so, yeah, sharing my story, I mean, I know I've helped people, people have, you know, come up to me after I've shared my story and told me how much it means to them to, to be able to hear that they're not alone. I've shared my story in the context of, of my career in the legal profession, and I've had law students come up to me and tell me that they're struggling and that, you know, it's just to, to be able to see someone who's successful and has figured out a way to be successful and to deal with that gives them hope.

Lauren Hamilton (17:24):
You know, for me, that has been so rewarding. Yeah. To be able to, to help people who are just starting out in law school. When I was in law school, that's, there were opportunities I had to address my addiction and I didn't take them. And I think it's so important to kind of get a hold of that and to, to build the relationships that you need to build and to be able to realize that if, if you're struggling with something like substance abuse or your mental health, you know, you've gotta take care of it as, as soon as you can because it's only going to get worse the more kind of enmeshed you, you become in the, in your career.

Matt Besser (18:07):
So you said there were opportunities you had to, to tackle your addiction earlier, and you didn't either, either for yourself or, or generally. Why do you think it is that lawyers don't address either their substance abuse issues or, or mental health issues, emotional wellbeing issues, maybe as soon as they ought to?

Lauren Hamilton (18:29):
I think there, there's a multitude of reasons. As I mentioned, I, I still think there's a huge stigma around addiction and mental health issues in our society, in the legal profession. I, that's certainly changing very slowly, but it's still there. And I think that prevents people from, from talking about it. There is the shame and guilt that come along with, certainly with addiction and, and also with mental health issues that can prevent people from, from being open about it. And then there's the fear of, of what that could do to your career. Yeah. And also I think as attorneys, we don't want to call attention to any weakness in ourselves, even to the point where we don't wanna face weakness in ourselves. We can't look in the mirror and recognize that there is this weakness and that we need to deal with it. It was talked about in law school, you hear about Ola, you know, you, you go to presentations where you're told that, you know, if you, if you have this issue yourself or you recognize it in a colleague, then you, then you might have a duty to say something that doesn't occur as much once you're actually an attorney.

Lauren Hamilton (19:51):
I think that, you know, I've certainly seen people recognizing my issues and kind of looking away, not wanting to, to face 'em or, or point them out to me. I've seen it happen with other people where, you know, I know that they have a, a substance abuse issue, or they're, they're struggling with their mental health and people wanna look the other way.

Matt Besser (20:16):
Yeah. So why is it that you think we as a legal community in general, tend to look the other way when we either know or consent that, that one of our colleagues or opposing counsel, just a lawyer that we know is struggling with something?

Lauren Hamilton (20:32):
Well, it's all those things, the stigma, the shame and guilt. It's, it, it's embarrassing. You don't wanna embarrass a colleague. You don't wanna shame a colleague. You certainly don't want to be seen as, as kind of using that as a tactic to gain an advantage when you're, when, when a colleague that you're talking about is opposing counsel on a case. I think it's just a really hard thing to talk about.

Matt Besser (20:58):
Do you think that we as lawyers should sort of mind our own business when we see another lawyer who might be struggling, even if they are opposing counsel?

Lauren Hamilton (21:08):
I think it's difficult. I think it's difficult to know what to do, but no, I don't think we should mind our own business a hundred percent of the time. I think there are ways to approach the issue with grace, with discretion. But the, the reality is, is that there is an incredibly high prevalence of substance abuse issues and mental health issues in the legal profession. I mean, there's a high prevalence in our society generally, but it's, it's even worse than the legal profession. And we have a duty to ourselves, to our colleagues, and most of all, to our clients. If I'm not taking care of myself, I am not a good lawyer, I'm not doing a good job for my clients, and I'm putting them at risk, while I recognize that it's, it's certainly a sensitive subject. We can't just close our eyes to the matter.

Matt Besser (22:09):
I'm gonna ask you what if we were in court would undoubtedly be objected to as a leading question, but you said that having a connection, not feeling alone, has been important for you. When we look the other way after seeing a, a fellow member of the bar that we think is struggling, do you think it's possible that if we can find a way to gracefully say, Hey, are you doing okay? Is everything all right in a way without embarrassing them, that that could be the sense of connection they need to turn the corner?

Lauren Hamilton (22:49):
Absolutely. I mean, you just never know what's gonna be that one thing that allows that person to ask for help.

Matt Besser (22:59):
You, you mentioned that even when you were living in your car, thinking about stealing from people, wanting desperately to steal their sense of joy, to at least have it for yourself, that you still found a sliver of hope. Had there been times when you couldn't find the sliver of hope?

Lauren Hamilton (23:21):
Yes. There, there have been many times when I couldn't find the sliver of hope, and I was desperately hanging on for dear life. Really,

Matt Besser (23:30):
I know with, with mental health struggles, depression, anxiety, that the chemicals in the brain, they just, sometimes they aren't in the balance that, that they might ordinarily be. And, and that can make us believe things that aren't true, for instance, that there's no hope for me or that nobody cares for me, or that everyone's better off without me. Does substance abuse sort of trick your logical brain in that way to make you believe that there's no hope to make you think there's no way forward?

Lauren Hamilton (24:05):
It's often said that, you know, drinking is just a symptom, that alcoholism addiction, that they're really thinking diseases. And so when I was an active addiction, I mean, I, I really felt like there was other creature living in my brain that there was some sort of monster inside of me that, you know, kind of took control and I was on autopilot. It made me believe the most absurd things that I wasn't worth recovery, that I, that there was no hope, that I would never get better, even though I could see, you know, I had seen in aa, I had seen all these other people who had, who had found hope and who had found sobriety and were able to have happy lives. I did not believe that was possible for me, that was addiction. And when I did get sober and the longer I stayed sober, you know, I, I was able to achieve clarity and kind of all those blinders eventually were removed and I was able to see, see things clearly. But that took time.

Matt Besser (25:15):
And I imagine a little bit of hard work,

Lauren Hamilton (25:17):
Lots of hard work

Matt Besser (25:18):
And support from others and connection with others.

Lauren Hamilton (25:21):
Yes.

Matt Besser (25:22):
What gives you hope now, either for yourself or for or for young lawyers starting out or, or for lawyers who are struggling now? Regardless of how experienced they are,

Lauren Hamilton (25:32):
What gives me hope now is for one thing to just to see how far I've been able to come in my own life and in my career. The other thing that gives me hope is to see that we're, we're starting to talk about it. That this is something that is being talked about more and more as time goes on. And that is, that's crucial.

Matt Besser (25:56):
You've talked about it already. You've talked about it publicly before and, and been willing to put the courageous foot forward, but after you began in recovery, when you would not have spoken about this publicly,

Lauren Hamilton (26:09):
There was a point when I was in recovery where I didn't feel I didn't have that confidence in my recovery. You know, it felt like I was on shaky ground, even if it had been some time that I had been sober. I just wasn't sure. I didn't yet believe that I could maintain long-term sobriety. And so I think at that point, you know, I would've been reluctant to talk about it, and I was still kind of consumed by shame and guilt. And it took time and hard work to, to move past the shame and guilt. And, and also, you know, the stigma was of it as can be suffocating.

Matt Besser (26:51):
What made you willing to share your story with others?

Lauren Hamilton (26:56):
So, as I mentioned, you know, I, I really feel like I've gone through this spiritual transformation and over time I was able to cultivate a sense of gratitude for my past. And it, it was, it was once I became grateful and once I was able to see, you know, that it's okay that this is, this is a part of who I am.

Matt Besser (27:20):
We know just, just from sheer statistics, but also what we can see, that there are a lot of lawyers in our community who are struggling with their own challenges, whether it's substance abuse, mental or emotional health issues, or just, just good old fashioned burnout. And for whatever reason they're afraid or not willing to take the steps necessary to take care of themselves. What message do you have for that?

Lauren Hamilton (27:48):
If you're struggling, you can't tackle this alone. It's absolutely imperative that you ask for help, that you accept the help that is offered, and that you build trusting relationships with other humans, and it's never too late to ask for help.

Matt Besser (28:09):
When you asked for help, do you think going through the process of taking care of yourself has had a negative impact on your career?

Lauren Hamilton (28:16):
Taking care of myself and dealing with addiction has had nothing but a positive effect on my career. I have come to see that vulnerability is a strength, that I am a better attorney when I'm taking care of myself, that I have to take the time to take care of myself, otherwise, I am doing a disservice to the profession, to my clients.

Matt Besser (28:45):
When you weren't taking care of yourself, did that have a negative impact on your career?

Lauren Hamilton (28:50):
Yes. That absolutely had a negative impact on my career, to the point where eventually I really no longer had a career. I was unable to practice law.

Matt Besser (29:03):
Well Lauren, thank you again for taking the time, but more importantly, for having the courage to step forward and tell your story to help others. On behalf of myself and, and all the members of the Cleveland Metropolitan Bar Association, I am deeply, deeply grateful to you.

Lauren Hamilton (29:21):
Thank you.