How to Create a Safe Space in Online Communities

Can a judgment-free, supportive online community truly help women struggling with complex trauma? Join us as we unpack the essential elements needed to create such a space on Facebook. Through sharing my own experiences of forming deep connections and navigating self-critical thoughts, we'll explore self-awareness, boundary-setting, and mindfulness as pillars for managing triggers and cultivating positive energy. We also highlight the importance of compassion over judgment and how knowing when to step back can protect our well-being, while a supportive network helps shoulder the emotional load.

Empathy and compassionate listening emerge as powerful tools in fostering resilience. Witnessing and truly hearing others can usher them forward, even amidst setbacks. This episode underscores the necessity of creating safe, non-judgmental spaces for growth and connection. By offering practical advice on listening more and curbing unsolicited opinions, we emphasize the long-term rewards of perseverance in friendship. Additionally, we explore actionable strategies for integrating supportive practices into daily life, underlining the transformative power of women uplifting each other in new, healthier ways. Got questions or need further guidance? Reach out and enjoy your weekend!

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This podcast is not meant to take the place of therapy, to diagnose or treat anyone. I have had therapy as recently as 2021 and found it very helpful. I am not a doctor. My only degree is in computers. I am simply sharing tools I have used to help myself grow to become an emotionally healthy person and sharing stories about my journey. Please seek medical help, as I did, if you are unable to cope with life and all that it brings.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

Well, in light of opening up a new Facebook community for like-minded women, I thought today's episode would be on the best way to witness others and hold space without being triggered and without showing judgment people with complex trauma. This is not something easy for people who've been raised with a lot of judgment, feeling judged themselves or, you know, feeling the negativity of judging others based on our past. So I think it's a really good topic because, having never had a group of friends that I fit into, my whole life I've had friends. I've had a friend here and a friend there, but not like a close-knit group of friends that are women, that or girls, even growing up, that I was close to, and so it's not something that I learned, it's not something that I saw or that I understood. And so, growing up and then developing a group of friends the ones I talked about that I kind of met during the pandemic, I've had to learn how to witness others without being triggered. I've had to learn how to not be judgmental Because, as I've seen, we're all the same, we're all one right, even in other cultures, but especially in the United States.

Speaker 1: 1:34

Growing up here and being a part of this culture, I can see so clearly how all of us are affected by the same type of clearly how all of us are affected by the same type of attitudes towards women. We've all experienced different things in our life that make us feel negative about ourself. And then, when other people show up and are kind of mirrors reflecting back to us, it's hard not to be judgmental, it's hard not to be critical or show that, but the truth is we are all one, and when one of us rises, it lifts us all. So we want to have that attitude, we want to be supportive to each other, and when you grow into a Facebook group, that's about witnessing others, that's about holding space for people or having space held for you. We want to know how to do that right. So we need to develop some skills, especially those of us who've dealt with a lot of trauma, who have been criticized our whole life, who have that self-critical voice in our head that doesn't go away, that makes us sometimes just feel like we're not good enough and we never will be, and that's the part of us that does that judging and that is mean to other people in our heads. Of course, I have had two experiences One specifically comes to mind where I was mean to somebody openly. I don't know what it was about her, but she got under my skin so much and we worked together and she oh man, that was, and I saw the worst in myself and I did not like it, but most of the time I am supportive and keep those thoughts in my head. So at least there's that right.

Speaker 1: 3:22

So what does it take to witness others, to hold space for others, without having your own trauma, your own past come up and being triggered, um, to feel negative or to judge them or to have anything but love? And so those things are started with self-awareness, start with boundaries and start with taking care of yourself. So as you develop this self-awareness, all this work that we're doing, you start to understand what your triggers are and you start to understand, like, what it feels like to go into trigger. And so when you identify that as something that you do, when you identify what it feels like, when you go into those triggers, then you can immediately notice and make a different choice, right. So that includes mindfulness practices, because you have to be present, you have to observe your, your own reaction, without judgment, so that you don't go into full trigger mode, and then, you know, lay into somebody or give your judgment or your opinion or anything like that. Because, to be honest, if you were raised with a lot of complex trauma, if you are going to have to grow and change until your beliefs and your understanding of life is higher energy, right, but it starts somewhere. And even as we clean ourselves out, even as we let go of some of these negative thinking patterns that we have and like um, like growing up, you know, if you grew up in a dirty house and you feel like that's okay, and someone gets on and is like, hey, you know, I've been not feeling great and I went to empty the trash and there were maggots in the trash and instantly you're triggered and you're like, oh my God, that's so dirty. If you have kids in that house, that's not cool, you know. And instead of going into that understanding that we're all the same, that we all have the thing that we do and it might be different for you than it is for somebody else then we don't go into that full triggered mode and instead we go to the best part of. It is important to understand yourself emotionally and sometimes there are things that are going to trigger you and it's going to make you take a step back and say I can't handle this, I can't hold this space for you, because I need to protect myself, right? I need to keep myself in this good space that I'm in, and so that's understandable too.

Speaker 1: 6:06

I've mentioned before that I have a group of friends and you know we're all online friends. We use Marco Polo to communicate on a daily basis and we talk to each other about the little things in life that are going on, the things in our head when we can't get out of our minds, and that kind of things. And each one of us have had to set a boundary for ourselves where there are certain issues that we can't handle or can't hold space for somebody else, and we have to take a step back and say, hey, you know, I mean, you don't even have to say it, you just take a step back and let someone else handle it. And because we're a group of friends, there's always someone who can handle something. But let me tell you, there are plenty of things that I cannot hold space for other people, um, the people in my life who are really close to me, but that doesn't mean that I'm judging them or that I feel negative about them Just means that something in me is not ready to hold space in that area yet, and that's okay. Um, we, that doesn't stop us.

Speaker 1: 7:06

A lot of times we'll say, hey, um, trigger warning, if anyone doesn't want to hear this. Of times we'll say, hey, trigger warning, if anyone doesn't want to hear this, you know whatever. And then you hear what it's about for a second, and if you don't have space or maybe you just don't have space today then you skip that message and go to the next one. It would be the same thing in a Facebook group If you see something and you feel like that is something that can, you can feel the emotion come up in you and you feel like I don't have space for that today. You don't need to be there and be the one to witness that. Let someone else do it.

Speaker 1: 7:40

So, respecting your own boundaries, noticing when you do feel triggered those are important things that you need to develop if you're going to be in a group of friends with women, whether it be virtual or whether it be in a group of friends with women, whether it be virtual or whether it be in real life on a daily basis. So making sure that you're practicing your own techniques to be grounded, your own techniques to keep yourself emotionally healthy, to keep moving forward, then you're going to be able to hold space for other people and be in a group like that. Now, when you notice yourself pulling back whether it's in real life or whether it's virtually you stop and you ask yourself am I pulling back because I need more time for myself, I need to take care of myself, have some more self-care? Maybe I got off my routine, maybe I need to rest and recover? Then take a look at that and see.

Speaker 1: 8:35

But if you feel like you're protecting yourself because having friends is hard and holding space, that's something that we're going to kind of have to get used to, because healing from complex trauma requires a community, because we have real communities in our life but we are not. We have not been able to be our true self with them. We have become who they need us to be instead of being ourselves. Right and that's the purpose of having a community is that you get to be yourself, you get to express yourself, you get to be with other women who experienced the same thing, where in their daily life, they're not seen as who they really are. That's true for me In my daily life. I am mom, I'm a wife, I am the person next door or the person in the congregation who has had a hard past. I'm all those things. But as I've grown and changed, they don't see the real me yet. And so in my friend group, that's where I get to be my true self and that's where I get to grow and be safe and be witnessed and build this community that has allowed me to develop skills and develop the safeness to show my true personality, who I truly am inside, the safeness to show my true personality, who I truly am inside, as a person, as a teacher, teaching about healing from crappy childhood and all of those things.

Speaker 1: 10:03

So it's important to have empathy towards others, it's important to be able to listen, and not listen to solve problems right, but listen to witness someone else, because when we feel witnessed, when we feel seen and heard, oftentimes we can move forward. Oftentimes we know we're not alone and it gives us the strength to have the resilience to keep moving forward in life. And so that's the gift that you're giving other people is you're showing compassion and you're showing that you can listen, that you can be there and be supportive, without having the judgment, without having the pain, which means that they get to have some relief in themselves and get to be seen as who they truly are. And I mean honestly. That's such a loving gift that you can give somebody else.

Speaker 1: 10:51

And a lot of people, especially people I know, are like trying to make businesses, trying to do all kinds of things, and some of them are motivated by wanting to help people. But ultimately, it's when we connect with others and when we help other people that we are truly experiencing the best and the most in life. It's when we have the quality of life, when we have the joys and the happiness and the real deep connections. And so I think it's really important for all of us to build this, this skill in being able to hold space for other people and doing so with a loving attitude, with compassion, with kindness. And it is so important to realize that as people grow and as people are changing who they are, they go through rough patches and they backslide a little bit, but that doesn't mean we give up on them.

Speaker 1: 11:47

I often find myself with friends who are growing and moving forward, because like minds, you know, attract other like minds, and then sometimes I'll see people backslide, or people go into patterns of, they go into fight or flight, they go into the freeze mode where they can't do anything, and sometimes I hear my own judgment in my own head say why are they stuck there? Why you know. And then I remember, celeste, it's part of the cycle, it's part of growth, and you just have longer lengths of time in between when you're able to do things and when you're not. And as you keep moving forward, that time between when you are in the free state, when you are just trying to comfort yourself, that time gets less and less is more smaller periods of time. And so I mean it's not that it's not work to have a community and to be friends with people, but it's that it is worth the effort that it takes, because having people witness you, having people who understand who you truly are, is a gift and it's one that makes living enjoyable and worthwhile.

Speaker 1: 13:01

So we want to make sure to create safe environments in our friend groups again, whether it's virtual or whether it is in real life, because having that safe environment where they can be themselves is so important for you and for them, and so that the community can go on, and that's one thing I have to say is that this community I'm in of girls I think we're going on four years now and that's the longest I've had a group of friends stay in my life and it is exciting and beautiful and also scary. So there's a little room for that too, always wondering you know every in my darkest moments maybe if they really like me and if it's okay and like all this stuff. And in reality, that's just the fear inside of me. So when you hear that from inside of you, when you feel those feelings, just remind yourself that that's not true and just remind yourself that moving forward does sometimes feel scary, especially when you're developing a community, but the payoff is so great that it's worth it. So I want to establish just a couple of ground rules. When you're creating safe space for someone and the number one thing is listening is more important Listening to other people and just being there to witness them and not giving opinions, because we have opinions left and right, on the news, in the school system, in the social services network of you know, your community, other mothers next door.

Speaker 1: 14:40

We have lots of places of people giving us opinions, but what we don't have is that welcome, just support of someone to listen and someone to hold space. So that's number one. I think that's important is just listening more than you're giving advice. The second thing is don't give advice unless someone asks you specifically for advice, unless someone says, hey, I need help with this thing. Am I thinking about this wrong or is this just one of those situations? You know, if someone is not saying that, don't give your opinion, just give your love and your support, because I think that's what we all want and I think that's what we're all here for.

Speaker 1: 15:18

And, if you think about it, we all do have. We're kind of like an acorn. If you think about it, we have everything inside of us so that we can grow this giant oak tree, and it's all in us. But sometimes, you know, we fall on rocky soil and so we're not able to plant ourselves. But when we do get to that solid ground with the beautiful, rich soil, we can grow roots and plant ourselves and we have everything inside of ourselves to grow into that giant oak tree. And sometimes we just need a little encouragement, which means that we don't need advice, we don't need help in like any kind of physical way, we just need the support and encouragement, all right.

Speaker 1: 16:04

I think that by integrating these strategies, you can really provide support for others. We all know how to do that in our lives on a daily basis, but in this new, emotional, healthy situation, where you may be in a community of people like-minded and it doesn't have to be this Facebook group, it could be anywhere and you can apply this to just Facebook being in Facebook with friends is a community, and so you can apply it there as well, and so it's going to help us to grow and continue learning with a community, without stepping on toes, without putting out more negativity, because, let's just face it, the world is full of that, but what it isn't full of is women, supporting women and, you know, letting go of all the negativity around jealousy, around judgment, around all that stuff. I see a lot more of it nowadays, and so that's beautiful, and I want to help grow that community, help grow that safe space for people. Okay, I think that is it for today.

Speaker 1: 17:12

I know this is a little bit shorter of an episode, but I think it's really important to talk about how to be friends, how to really just support other people in a healthy way. Maybe that may be different than we've ever done before. So if you have any questions, as always, please reach out, and I hope you guys have a great weekend.