Have you ever wondered if achieving your dreams could still leave you feeling a longing for something more? This episode takes you on a personal journey from the turbulence of early adulthood to a life enriched with love, stability, and a fulfilling music career. Yet, amidst all this success, an insistent yearning to create remains. We explore the delicate balance between personal aspirations and everyday responsibilities, and question the nature of true satisfaction and the pursuit of deeper peace.
In the second part of the episode, I reflect on the current state of my artistic endeavors and creative processes. Life has been especially joyous, thanks to my wonderful wife and the rejuvenating effects of our recent vacation. Despite a shift in creative focus due to daily routines, new work is still being produced, albeit at a different pace. This chapter invites you to consider that creativity doesn’t need to stem from hardship and encourages collaboration on positive art projects. Tune in to hear more about the excitement of recording new podcast episodes, featuring more guests, and the gratitude I feel for your continued support.
Have you ever wondered if achieving your dreams could still leave you feeling a longing for something more? This episode takes you on a personal journey from the turbulence of early adulthood to a life enriched with love, stability, and a fulfilling music career. Yet, amidst all this success, an insistent yearning to create remains. We explore the delicate balance between personal aspirations and everyday responsibilities, and question the nature of true satisfaction and the pursuit of deeper peace.
In the second part of the episode, I reflect on the current state of my artistic endeavors and creative processes. Life has been especially joyous, thanks to my wonderful wife and the rejuvenating effects of our recent vacation. Despite a shift in creative focus due to daily routines, new work is still being produced, albeit at a different pace. This chapter invites you to consider that creativity doesn’t need to stem from hardship and encourages collaboration on positive art projects. Tune in to hear more about the excitement of recording new podcast episodes, featuring more guests, and the gratitude I feel for your continued support.
What do I want? June 24th, 2024, 6.31pm. What do I want? I want to be happy. I want to be loved. I want to be happy. I want to be loved. I want to be comfortable. I want to sing. I want to hear from my loved ones. I want to earn money for the career I love music. I want to see the world. I want to be healthy. I want to be heard. My list is complete.
Speaker 1:
I'm living the life I told myself I wanted when I graduated college. I'm living the life I told people I wanted in smoky bars, after long nights of slanging drinks and fixing problems I didn't cause. I'm living the dream. The more I live this life, I feel like something is missing my art, creating Pen to paper. It's not that I'm unmotivated, I'm not uninspired. Just cutting the grass has become a bigger priority. Cooking my wife dinner F, filling my love tank. More Traveling with my band takes two days away from my mental. One day for the gig and one day for rest. Groceries and week planning, wednesday night dinner with the in-laws keep me happy. I feel the love. There's no need to look up above for hope. It's here even now.
Speaker 1:
I'm not writing this in my office. I'm not writing this near the lake with my shades on, listening to the birds and the kids run by on go. I'm in the car, parked home bathroom, walking through the house, go, go, go, go go. But weirdly, I'm happy, I'm not mad. I'm still finding the time to create just differently.
Speaker 1:
I used to do this on the subway from work in Wilmette, illinois. I used to do this while parked at the Taco Bell near USC while waiting for the next lift passenger. I did this in Ragsdale's on Tuesdays when no one was trying to drink by the river. I've done this in Tower Grove Park near the trees. I did this on the grand bus before a long shift on phones at the Fox. I did this late at night when I was longing for a partner. I did this early in the morning when I felt lost. Now I do it, but I just do it because I love it. I do it when I can and I miss it, doing what I can and I miss it. I don't need it as a support group anymore. I don't need to confess my feelings to this notebook anymore. It's crazy. This is good.
Speaker 1:
What brings me to the place that I have to write and open up and twist and turn through my own thoughts. What makes me need to create? I need this shit. Where did that come from? Every day, I write a poem on my mind, I sing a song in my head, I imagine pickup lines for my wife and I see drawings on the backboard of my skull.
Speaker 1:
Constantly, I'm searching for people to help me bring to life these things. I want, need love, frustrated, put back, lost, but not like I used to be. I'm happy lost. I'm fine with everything I have at my fingertips, but I'm dazed about my imagination. I'm constantly asking myself if people care about what I think.
Speaker 1:
I'm trying to verbalize my dilemma, but I continue to approve of the things in the way. I don't want to change my life. I don't want to push for something. I want to live, I want to breathe, I want to feel wanted. Maybe that's it.
Speaker 1:
I feel like I'm knocking on the door, and it's been 18 years since I've been knocking on the door. Roses have grown around me and created a chair, and my wife is sitting next to me talking about Bridgerton and I'm forgetting why I started knocking on the door in the first place. The roses have given me something I need outside of this fort and the door is just. It feels unwelcoming. Now Whatever's on the other side of the door isn't really for me anymore, but I still feel like I have to try and get the door open. I mean, I've been out here for 18 years. I don't want to be heard and confused. I'm just saying what's on my mind right now.
Speaker 1:
I'm opening up my safe and allowing you to walk through the gallery. To the left you can see my first Jimi Hendrix cover show I did back in 2006. And to the right is that girl I had a crush on in the fourth grade. Shout out to Brittany Williams. Down the hall is the memories of my great-grandparents' house that was destroyed by the bank in Kirkwood, missouri. Thank you for that. And right here is this song by Pink Martini that's been stuck in my head for weeks now.
Speaker 1:
They tell you you should have everything figured out by your 30s, and I'm sitting here wondering if my parents feel like they have it all together. Like, did they make it? Do they feel like they won or lost the game? Do they view it as a game? Do they care? Should I even care? Is the USA the land of the free, but also looking to take everything I have? Is my phone listening to everything I'm saying and putting it in the file that's being held at the Capitol with my blood samples and fingerprints. Back to earth. Reality Satisfaction is what I want. No answers, answers I don't really care for the answers, I just want to be satisfied. Anyone who said that they had the answers would get a middle finger from me. You don't know, but how do I know that? I'll let that marinate. It's time for dinner, much love. I'll let that marinate. It's time for dinner, much love.
Speaker 1:
I want to thank you for listening to the Black man Talking Emotions podcast this week. I didn't want to do a full interview. I kind of wanted to create something and put it on display. This week I just wanted to really speak freely and kind of give just this word picture of where I'm at mentally. I'm doing really good. I'm in a great place. Me and my wife have been really enjoying life. Just got back from a vacation, starting the second round of recording for the podcast and getting more people on, just did a great episode today and I'm really looking forward to y'all hearing that one.
Speaker 1:
This is something that's really going on with me. I'm creating things, I'm writing songs, I'm writing poems, but it's kind of like coming when it comes, it isn't like it used to be. Sometimes I feel like I have a block, but I don't really have a block, it's just it's not the focus right now, which is something I remember I had talked to one of my friends about. We spoke about the idea that maybe life isn't hard enough for us to really push ourselves something weird like that and we felt like we needed to be a little bit more desperate to truly create our art. And I don't think that's true, but I do see how life gets in the way of art, where it's like you know, I'm doing my normal routine making my green tea in the morning and doing my walk and I usually wake up at 6, 30 and try to get out and about and do my thing and and then next thing, you know, you're in bed at you know 10, 30 and instead of doing something creative or unique or different that brings out the artist, the bfa musical theater major in me, I'm like.
Speaker 1:
I'm like you know. You know we made a tuna casserole and my success of the day was actually completing my Duolingo lessons and my my challenge of the day is trying to make sure that I stick to a schedule for rehearsing and make sure my voice is okay, like I'm doing things and I'm keeping busy, but creating and writing and making new things has been kind of in the background. But I've made so much new stuff it's. It's interesting. I remember when I was younger I would write like six poems and three songs in a day and it'd be like, oh, I've really been working the muscle and and that's kind of where my head is, I think.
Speaker 1:
But with all that mess, you can listen to all my music on streaming platforms and you can check out more information at downlamorecom, where you can get anything and everything downlamore, and I truly appreciate y'all taking the time to just listen to me babble on and all that jazz. Next week I'll be having a good friend on the pod and it's gonna be a time. So y'all make sure to stick in and share the pod and subscribe and let me know if there's anything that you're interested in and also let me know what you're up to, because I would love to collaborate with you and make some positive art for the world. So much love to you all and I hope y'all are safe.