Dom L'Amour speaks with good friend Hannah Moore AKA @hannahmatthewsmoore about becoming a mother, How her past has affected her present, Moving to and From NYC and so much more.
What happens when life throws you a curveball and old methods no longer cut it? Join me and my guest, Hannah Moore, as we uncover the art of adjusting to life's unexpected changes. From her rapid-paced life in New York City to the serene yet demanding journey of motherhood, Hannah shares her candid reflections on integrating past experiences into a new routine. As we discuss prioritizing what truly matters, you'll hear firsthand about the challenges and triumphs of balancing a packed schedule with the role of being a parent.
Ever feel like you're stuck in a routine while trying to plan for the future? This episode contrasts daily routines with long-term goals, influenced by lessons from my father's meticulous planning and the instability during my childhood. Hannah's unwavering support during my post-college struggles is also celebrated, emphasizing the importance of friendship and resilience. Whether it's the relentless pursuit of goals or the significant milestone of buying a house, we explore how to balance short-term actions with long-term aspirations.
Cultural differences and personal growth are at the forefront of this episode. From overcoming culture shock in diverse environments to reshaping reputations in the beauty industry, our conversation highlights the necessity of toughening up and seeking new opportunities. We wrap up with an emotional exploration of generational trauma, the resilience needed to forge new paths, and the importance of vocalizing emotions and gratitude. Tune in for an episode filled with heart, growth, and inspiring stories as we navigate life's twists and turns together.
Opening quote: Gilda Radner
Opening and Closing Theme song: Produced by Dom L'Amour
Transition Music from Mad Chops Vol. 1 and Mad Chops Vol. 2 by Mad Keys
and
from Piano Soul Vol.1(Loop Pack) by The Modern Producers Team
Featured song: "Our Love Is Here To Stay" Covered by Dom L'Amour and Hannah Moore
Cover art by Studio Mania: Custom Art @studiomania99
Please subscribe to the podcast, and give us a good rating. 5 stars please and thank you. Follow me on @doml_amour on Instagram. Or at
Dom L'Amour speaks with good friend Hannah Moore AKA @hannahmatthewsmoore about becoming a mother, How her past has affected her present, Moving to and From NYC and so much more.
What happens when life throws you a curveball and old methods no longer cut it? Join me and my guest, Hannah Moore, as we uncover the art of adjusting to life's unexpected changes. From her rapid-paced life in New York City to the serene yet demanding journey of motherhood, Hannah shares her candid reflections on integrating past experiences into a new routine. As we discuss prioritizing what truly matters, you'll hear firsthand about the challenges and triumphs of balancing a packed schedule with the role of being a parent.
Ever feel like you're stuck in a routine while trying to plan for the future? This episode contrasts daily routines with long-term goals, influenced by lessons from my father's meticulous planning and the instability during my childhood. Hannah's unwavering support during my post-college struggles is also celebrated, emphasizing the importance of friendship and resilience. Whether it's the relentless pursuit of goals or the significant milestone of buying a house, we explore how to balance short-term actions with long-term aspirations.
Cultural differences and personal growth are at the forefront of this episode. From overcoming culture shock in diverse environments to reshaping reputations in the beauty industry, our conversation highlights the necessity of toughening up and seeking new opportunities. We wrap up with an emotional exploration of generational trauma, the resilience needed to forge new paths, and the importance of vocalizing emotions and gratitude. Tune in for an episode filled with heart, growth, and inspiring stories as we navigate life's twists and turns together.
Opening quote: Gilda Radner
Opening and Closing Theme song: Produced by Dom L'Amour
Transition Music from Mad Chops Vol. 1 and Mad Chops Vol. 2 by Mad Keys
and
from Piano Soul Vol.1(Loop Pack) by The Modern Producers Team
Featured song: "Our Love Is Here To Stay" Covered by Dom L'Amour and Hannah Moore
Cover art by Studio Mania: Custom Art @studiomania99
Please subscribe to the podcast, and give us a good rating. 5 stars please and thank you. Follow me on @doml_amour on Instagram. Or at
Something was happening in the office and it really doesn't matter what. But he turned to me and he goes what you have been doing to get by is not working anymore and you're just going to have to make an adjustment Like what you had been doing that was working to get what you needed and get by in your life needs to change, needs to change. Something needs to be adjusted. It's no longer working. And he didn't say it in a derogatory way, he's like basically, he was like this is an opportunity to change or you're going to be stuck until you do change it, screaming, crying, throwing a fit. You're not going to get your way by doing that. You're going to have to go around or go under or go above it. You know it changed my life that when he said that and it gave me a perspective to be able to just go OK, this isn't working, trash it, move on.
Speaker 3:Ladies and gentlemen, and anyone else who is here, my name is Dom Lamore and you are listening to the Black man Talking Emotions podcast. On today's episode, I speak with my girl, hannah Moore, about becoming a mother, how her past has affected her present, moving to and from New York City, and much, much more. Motherhood is the biggest gamble in the world. It is the glorious life force. It's huge and scary. It's an act of infinite optimism.
Speaker 1:I had two like a pair of teeth adjacent spritzers yesterday with like bitters and something else, and I woke up in so much pain, like my body was hurting so bad. I was like Zach, bring me a protein shake and some Tylenol. It was 6 am. I had just fed the baby.
Speaker 3:It's like a whole different world they're like the same people and I have to say this all the time I don't feel older, I don't well mentally, I don't feel like I'm different, I feel like I'm the same person. But then I think about certain things I would do when I was young and I'm like, okay, I've matured, I feel like the same person. But you know, my back hurts like crazy, like my routine. The other day I got home and I was like I'm just going to play this record and I just played records and sat in the living room and relaxed and I'm like I'll be, like too antsy to do this.
Speaker 3:Now I'm like I don't want anything to do with anything, I just want to be at home and relax.
Speaker 1:Imagine doing that. What. Just sitting and listening to a record. Those times are long gone for me.
Speaker 3:So you used to be more calm? It sounds like I don't believe that.
Speaker 1:No, I did not. I just mean it's no. Are you kidding?
Speaker 3:me. I don't recall you being that calm of a person.
Speaker 1:I never was. I never was. I'm just saying like, even if I wanted to, that's like not a thing and that's okay. Like you said, you don't ever remember me being like it's because I haven't, it's because I haven't. I've been going at New York speed since birth, before I even lived in this city.
Speaker 1:I feel like I've just been moving and moving and moving so fast and people were like, how different is your life since you had a baby? And I'm like it's really not that different, like I'm home a lot more and like I actually could like really move through some TV shows just because they're on in the background. But like I don't know, I was so busy with my life, like I packed my days and weeks so tight before. Now that I have a baby, it's like she just fits in because I got rid of the stuff that I wasn't really like that passionate about, If that makes sense. I kind of just shed the stuff that didn't matter and she just kind of, like a little Tetris piece, just fit right into my life. It's almost like I was like like figuratively stretching my stomach for an eating contest, like I was just like stretching my capacity for my ability to do stuff to make room for this baby to come.
Speaker 3:All right, Well, hold up. So, being from Sykeston and going to college in Cape and you went to college in Tennessee for a little bit before that and then you moved to New York, do you feel like you've always been like I got to fill this calendar up nonstop, go, go, go. Or is that something that started in New York?
Speaker 1:Oh no, that's me from the beginning.
Speaker 3:Where does that come from?
Speaker 1:I don't know. I don't know if it's a personality type thing, or maybe it's a I mean, an ADHD thing, which is like something I'm able to actually say that I've, like I have now. I mean, we all knew, let's be honest, no, I was always filling my time with things and people, especially people. I'm just one of those people. I've never. I don't need to be alone. It's not a flex, it's. It can be, it can be a problem there.
Speaker 1:Sometimes I look and I go. I really haven't been alone except for like the shower and to pee for like a month you know, and I'm not even counting my baby.
Speaker 1:Like you know, even with with her, I FaceTiming. I FaceTime my, my family all day long. When I'm alone with her, I'm on the phone. Or, and when I was younger, I would go just drive. I just wouldn't sit and like read or watch tv or even want to do my homework, I'd want to go and drive. We've been on drives together. It's like one of my favorite pastimes. I would rather be doing that than like anything like listening to music, you know, and I haven't had a car for 10 years it's interesting to hear you say that, because I my excuse.
Speaker 3:well, I was just about to say well, I'm the oldest, but you're the oldest too, so you have siblings.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I have a cousin that's six months younger than me. Yeah. And we were tight when we were younger because we shared a nanny and my nanny had a daughter older than us and I had a nanny from, I mean before I was born. So I was never alone. I really wasn't ever alone, and Campbell's only two and a half years younger than me.
Speaker 3:You were never alone. And, like I said, I was never alone either. I was surrounded by my siblings when they came, but before that it was me, my mother, my uncle Timmy, my Audrey, my grandma, my uncle Earl Like it was a big house. It's like seven of us, always, always together. Someone was always with me. And then ryan came, then little john and ashley came, and I'm like all these people and then I got my own room and I remember getting my own bedroom, thinking, oh my god, I have my own room. And then my grandma moved in with us and she slept in my room with me.
Speaker 3:It was like I never got that space. So I remember getting to college and having a dorm room. It sucked having a roommate. And then, of course, when I moved in with Mark them, I got the baby room. It was this little small pink room at the top of the house that no one else wanted, so I got it. But it was my first bedroom that I didn't have anyone else in the room sleeping with me, it was just me in there. I got decorated the way I wanted it. I just got to do it the way I wanted to and I didn't have to think about anyone being there and I could play my music and just relax and close my eyes and or look at the ceiling. Like love that private time wow, that's so interesting.
Speaker 1:I never had to share a room yeah and in fact, when I had to go to my room as a punishment, it was like hell for me. It was not a good place like I didn't want to be there. I wanted to be around everyone all the time. Yeah, zach shared a room. If we get the opportunity and privilege to have another child, we'll have our kids share a room, at least for a little bit.
Speaker 3:It's important. For sure, you should learn that earlier. But even then, like I said, I just never, I never had it that way. So I don't know if it's important, I just know that it was beneficial for me, so that when I eventually moved in with other people, you know, I have more morals and understanding of what I need to do and what needs to be spoken about Spatial awareness, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's something for sure.
Speaker 3:But once again, like I said, I immediately went to being the oldest and having all these people around and wanting to be around me and me wanting my space, and you were the same thing, but you had your own room.
Speaker 1:So you could just close the door, and that changes everything and I didn't want to close the door. Yeah, I hated it.
Speaker 1:yeah, I mean, it was like my dad would send campbell, my sister and I, to our rooms because we were fighting. Amelia was, of course, and she was younger. She's five, seven years younger than me and five younger than campbell. So the campbell and I would fight and dad would send us both to a room and Campbell would be like, okay, she would be so happy to be sent to her room and not me. So, anyway, yeah, I am very tolerant of a lot of the chaos. You could say I thrive in the chaos, thrive in chaos, I thrive in the chaos you say you thrive in chaos.
Speaker 3:I feel like if you were to say, dominique, what's something you associate with me? I always felt like you were very driven in when you put your mind to something that was happening. So kind of talk to me about that Cause, like having people around being driven, knowing I'm moving to New York. It's happening. You know, you're from Sykeston, missouri. What? What gave you that mental of this is how it's going to be.
Speaker 1:That's true. I am kind of like, oh, this is happening, but I'm okay with the slow burn.
Speaker 3:You know I'm a big long. Are you okay with the slow burn?
Speaker 1:I'm a longtime goal setter. Okay. Like a long distance goal setter. I should say Like a long distance goal setters, I should say I've been planning this move home, back to sites or back to away from New York since the day I got here. Wow. And it's 10 years later. I knew that I would leave, and so I've been sort of plotting my way out, my soft exit, for a really long time.
Speaker 3:How long do you think you've been planning for the baby? Because I feel like you've talked about getting married and have a baby. Forever since I've known you, you've talked about it. Well, you feel like that's the same thing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, part of my escape was that I needed, I did not want to have children here, and that I knew that I could have a child here for one year, because the baby's in your bedroom anyway and she's like at this point, just like a really adorable accessory Take her everywhere. And I knew I could do it for a year, but then I would be pushing it, like walking and things like that. So she being here is like okay. Yeah, now it's time. I think if I would have had a child earlier, we would have left earlier. But yes, I wanted a baby.
Speaker 1:I've always wanted to be a mother since I knew I could be a mother and I've only had a couple times in my life where I've only questioned it a couple times, and it was when we were about to start trying. I sat down and was like talking to Zach, like is this the thing? What would happen if we didn't have a baby? And he's like, oh, we'd do everything, like we would go and we would do everything. But I didn't think that I could really survive that scenario mentally.
Speaker 1:I don't think that I could go on Like I mean, really, looking at 20 years from now, I don't think that I would be okay without a child, so I waited longer than I wanted to way longer than I wanted to, just because I knew that I needed to take this time and live here and build up my career and work on that slow exit that I was telling you about, and I planned my college career to get to New York too. Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I really think it's going well. Some people really have a day-to-day goal. Zach, my husband, is brilliant at the day-to-day routine and you know, like getting things done micro almost, and I'm so macro and we, we really need each other because I'm I'm looking so far in the distance and he's like, but we need to go to the grocery store today.
Speaker 3:I'm like where does that come from? Why do you, why do you feel like you are always looking so far ahead and planning and working towards these goals? Like what? What put that into you? Is this someone you know that is also that way, that kind of created that like fire in you? Or is this just something that's weird about you that no one else around you does?
Speaker 1:I'm not. That's a really good question. I'm not sure if I had any inspiration for that. I do know that my dad is really great at the waiting game. I remember when I turned 16 and the Prius was coming out, the Prius was happening and I thought, oh my gosh, I would love to have, I want a Prius. So bad, I want a Prius. It's just hilarious to think about. And we went to test drive one in St Louis and I got in it and it smelled like cigarettes. It was like it was a rental car or something at one point and I was like, yeah, I want this. And he told me no. And I was so upset and he was like this is not something that you just do, this is something that you really plan for, you really shop and find the right thing. And it was such a really great lesson.
Speaker 1:I'm not sure if that was how it began, but the only other thing I could think of is I had a lot of changes happen as a young kid. My parents divorced really young and it was a four-year-long, really nasty situation. Young and it was a four year long really nasty situation. On top of things changing all the time. I don't feel like I really got to take advantage of every little thing and all of the privilege and all the things that I had. I remember I'd get gifts or clothes or things from just grandparents and then they never would use them. I'd be too afraid to use my lotion or like put on the dress because I'd be scared and all of a sudden, time would just go by and I wouldn't have used it.
Speaker 1:Or I've gotten older, I grew out of it or something, and I think that still is a fear that I have with kit, with buying clothing for my daughter and like making sure that she actually wears everything that we do and we actually take advantage of things that we have. Maybe it's a trauma response to planning and making sure that I get to take advantage, like full advantage, of something. I've had rocky parts of friendships because I'm going let's go up to Sleepy Hollow this weekend or let's go to Six Flags it's October, let's do spooky stuff and I remember specifically not doing these activities I want to do here in New York with some friends and they'd be like calm down, we can't go. Why are you so upset with us? Yeah.
Speaker 1:Next thing I knew they literally this year were like let's go do spooky stuff. I'm like sorry, guys, I can't, I have a baby. Like just knowing, like feeling that pressure of like I've got to get this done because I've got plans, and most of my friends up here are actually like five years younger than me or four years younger than me and I'm like you guys don't get it. Like this is the chance.
Speaker 3:Hannah is one of my favorite people in the world. She is one of my favorite singing voices and I just love her so much. She doesn't think this is a big deal, but I always thank her and appreciate her for being there for me when I was in need. I needed a place to stay after college for a couple of months. I got a job at the university for a six month contract and I just needed an extra spot. I didn't have any plans, didn't think it through nothing, and she just was like stay with me, stay with me and my roommate. It's not a big deal. They barely had any space, but they were like you can stay here, don't worry about rent. Just, dominique, stop it, you're fine.
Speaker 3:And I still look at that summer as one of those things that someone did something so selfless for me. I just I owe her so much and I don't know how to put it into words. Honestly. She just cared about me, she treated me like family, she loved me, me and, yes, I got through the summer and was paid and got my own little place and then left and all that jazz, but I still, just every time I see her, I try to squeeze her. I appreciate her time. I appreciate her. I appreciate the things that she do for me, say for me. I have been in and out of relationships because of the words she has given me, guiding me in the right direction to the place that I am now, and I just appreciate her friendship. I appreciate her just being there. That's the best thing. I could say. Nothing but love to her, her daughter and to her husband.
Speaker 3:Shout out to the fam I know so much about you and, like I said, you're being the oldest and your siblings and how close you are with your family and how you're very driven and know where you want to be.
Speaker 3:You moved to big city and I mean I don't feel like you ever really missed a beat when you got to New York. You got to New York, you hit the ground running and you're always grounding. You're always pushing to get something happen and got the baby, and now next thing is going to be the house and moving and living that life. It's going to be a whole different wave. It's just incredible to see your journey and I feel like, before I go to the next subject, that's kind of the thing. If you were to put your journey into perspective, what do you feel was the driving force to get you to this place now? You're in a place now where you can be happy that you got a great husband, you got a baby that's doing his thing. You're going to be moving to a new house that you got. It's all kind of coming together no-transcript.
Speaker 1:First of all, thank you, and it's really nice like it's just, it's nice that you, that you, that you see, that, like sometimes to me I just feel like I'm just doing my life and it's cute that it's, and it's like you're just such a great friend for being somebody that notices things and I just want to appreciate, to let you know that, I appreciate that. But I think my, looking back at the last, how old am I? Let's call it 15 years. Yeah.
Speaker 1:I think that the answer is like playing the cards that you're dealt moving to New York city and being a hairdresser Like it was not on the list, I made it my list. I also, in there, had vocal surgery, completely lost my voice. I had a little identity crisis, zach, and I broke up. All these things happened. But I took the hand, I was dealt and I said, okay, voice is gone, hairdresser it is. And if I'm going to be a hairdresser, I'm going to be a damn good one. I'm not fighting against. I've got to get my voice back so I can be on Broadway, like that's. That wasn't the story anymore. It wasn't the options. You see what I'm saying. Yeah.
Speaker 1:You know, when you take the ACT and they say, just pick an answer and move on, like I feel like it's like okay, I'm a hairdresser, let's go. You know, I'm working at this salon, I let's, I'm not happy, let's move to a different one. Okay, I'm working at this salon, let's go. I haven't left in nine years and I'm like I'm going to do this a lot. I'm going to work at Doptop and I'm going to go hard on Doptop. I'm going to wave the flag of like Doptop pride and I'm going to fight against all the negativity that that is at work every day. And I'm going to choose to be happy in my relationship. I'm going to choose to be happy at my job and I'm going to choose to love my career. It's making a choice and I'm not, and I know that there's a lot of privilege around that. But, like, hairdresser isn't everybody's like what they want to be. You know what I mean. And it wasn't. It wasn't what I wanted to be and I and I.
Speaker 1:It turns out that I was like good at it from the beginning and not not perfect by any means, but I had like, I had interest in it and it was working for me and I was like you know what I? If I'm going to do this, I'm going to go find the best salon to work in for the best education and I'm going to choose the best mentors and I'm going to become an educator myself. So then I'm really like grounded in what I'm doing, if that makes sense. So it's just like making a choice and just being so. My boss calls it choosing powerfully.
Speaker 1:I'm going to be a hairdresser and I'm going to be it. I'm going to dig in deep, jump in with both feet and do the damn thing. And I was an assistant for three whole years. I mean, I was just like making no money and just truly eating shit for three years before I built up this really strong clientele and it was worth it. I was just I could see the end, and not many people can see the end of a three year long apprenticeship. That's ridiculous, for some people.
Speaker 1:So I guess that's the answer. The answer is like get planted and grow deep roots, and if you can just stay in one place, you will grow. Yeah.
Speaker 1:A lot of people have a hard time doing that and they resist the hand they're given. You know, like for us New York city isn't working out anymore. Like I could be down about that. I could be like I gotta leave. Like this sucks. You know, I don't want to leave the city, I don't want to leave the art, I don't want to leave. Like I don't want to go back to Missouri. I don't want to go back to Missouri. I could think about all of that stuff. I could turn the narrative into that. Instead, I'm going, I'm getting space, I get a house, I get to be five blocks from my dad.
Speaker 1:I get free, loving childcare from the best grandparents that, like they're so excited, like Zach's parents are so excited to be with kit. It's crazy and so I mean you can turn. I'm just. I'm just, pollyanna, like you just turn every story around and make it great and I'm like it probably looks like I'm just walking around on the clouds all the time, but it's an active decision with yeah.
Speaker 1:With kids babies cry, they're going to cry and I can be like, oh, my kid's crying a lot, or I can be like she's a baby, I love her, she's awesome, she's crying. Great job, great work. She's growing.
Speaker 3:Just kind of going back to before you left, college in New York was the place. What do you feel like your biggest adjustments to living there was Because I mean, like I said, like you said, you already had it decided this isn't going to be a place where I'm going to be able to raise a kid. So you understood that it was a totally different lifestyle, different place, compared to being from Missouri. I'm from St Louis, which most would say is the big city in Kansas City in Missouri. So I'm kind of a city kid. I always felt like a city kid. But you are country girl, that's what you're from the country, and you were moving to New York. I'm sure people who knew you in high school were like you sex in the city, like they assume that's your life because that's where you moved and you live in that world. What do you feel? One, what were you scared to do? What were you more nervous about moving to New York? And then, two, what was that adjustment like for you?
Speaker 1:I was not scared. I probably should have been more scared. Yeah.
Speaker 1:I was just ready to go and my biggest adjustment was that I was growing up and changing from becoming, I mean, my dad's a cotton farmer Like this is like I'm moving now, telling people where I'm going Sykeston is two hours away from any Whole Foods. It's 30 minutes from any Starbucks. It's two hours from the airport in either direction. I mean it's kind of really people are shocked that I can move back there. But I say you know, the devil, you know, beats the devil, you don't. I'd like almost rather live there than another smaller town that I can afford, you know. So here we go.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'll always value the people that raised me and I and I was ready to go, but, like I had been to New York, we traveled a lot, so I can't say that I didn't. I really am not as country as it seems. I got to experience New York already and I went a handful of times before I moved and was just getting geared up to go. But the culture shock was still there. I came home after the first few months of living there and people said have you experienced the culture shock? Is it intense? And I was like I don't know what you're talking about. I'm just there with my people. It's like college 2.0 up here. Everybody's here. Yeah.
Speaker 1:You know, Lacey Hayes lived a block from me, Paul Edwards lived maybe five or six blocks from me, Caleb and Carly were 20 more blocks from me and Taylor and Steph lived in Lacey's place after that. I mean, we were all up there at once and Jasmine and Nikki and Audrey has always been like right there for me, Like every week I used to see her at least once. And and Zach, I lived with my boyfriend and Zach Walter both Zachs. I was never immersed into a new culture and I didn't realize that until I got my second job. My first job was working in Broadway houses like selling t-shirts, selling merch.
Speaker 1:And it was awesome. I could see all the shows for free, but I was just seasonal. So then I got a next job and it was at a hair salon and it was my first real hair salon job and it was for curly hair. So I was for the first time in a place with many different cultural backgrounds, many races and I'm like the whitest girl there. And then, looking back, I realized that I just moved into another Midwest, like I moved to where all the white theater kids lived for the first year. So I didn't know culture shock because I was not in any different culture. I would just wear all the other like boppity white people were. Yeah.
Speaker 1:And just like floating around being like, oh yeah, I got this, I'm in new york, it's great, and not really like they're all tourists. I was just around all new people I shouldn't even just say white people, I just but I mean it just feels like that. It just feels like more like midwest, more things I was used to. I should say then, when I got to this hair salon, I mean there's a woman from trinidad that works there, a woman from the Dominican Republic, a man from, you know, puerto Rico, and then you know a Jamaican woman and from the Caribbean, and anybody with curly hair, you know just not me.
Speaker 1:And. I was like what? Like they would speak to me. I'd be like what, say it again, can you say it again? Like I could not understand this woman from Trinidad for anything.
Speaker 1:And now kids, nannies, from Trinidad, you know so it was intense and I would walk up to these girls. I'll never forget they were all in a grouping on the salon floor, which is, you know, like not really what we're supposed to be doing. And I walked up to him I was like, what's up, chickens, what are you doing over here in this group? And this girl, I mean, snapped a Z at me and was like what did you just call us? And I went oh, like chickens, you know. Like, like girlies, like in a, in a, in a gaggle, a geese, you know what I mean, like just in a group. And she was like okay, cause you better be careful, because that's not how I received that, and she said it in a different way. Basically, you better watch them out. And I was like, okay, well, my little Midwest self is not we need to.
Speaker 1:And I felt bullied and I felt bullied by them because I just didn't get it. I wasn't bullied, I don't think, but I felt inferior a lot of the time. They didn't understand me. They didn't understand why I could be so nice. Yeah.
Speaker 1:And they thought I was really after something. I'm like really here to learn how to do hair, how to do curls. And they were just there at a job and I was like no, because, remember what I said about if I'm going to be a hairdresser, I'm going to do the best that I can. And I was like moving on up and assisting the main dude and I took over somebody's spot.
Speaker 1:They were so mad at me and I would go into the office with the manager and I remember she told me you need to like toughen up and get rid of your little sensitive Southern charm because it's not going to fly here. And I remember being like fuck her, I'm not getting rid of my sweetness. I remember thinking I'm not, I'm not cheating myself for these people, I'm not going to get like be hard just so I can like like handle these people. I was so upset that she said that to me, but they're like you're going to be hard just so I can handle these people. I was so upset that she said that to me, but they're like you're going to get eaten alive here if you don't get it together.
Speaker 3:No, I get it. See, when you say all of this, I've moved everywhere. The first move to Chicago when you're from St Louis or Memphis or somewhere like that, where it's a big city. But then Chicago is like this big city, Like, oh, that's a real big city, that's the way that they treat it. It's like St Louis isn'ta city compared to Chicago. Chicago is this megaplex, whatever they want to call it. But I just feel like Chicago is just a bigger St Louis it's just the Midwest. We're still in the Midwest. Everyone's nice, you eat good, Food tastes good. That's the Midwest. But I moved to LA. That was when what you're going through happened to me. That was that culture shock. Like the little kid bumped into me in Hollywood and his mama was like watch yourself. And I was like he walked into me.
Speaker 3:Like I couldn't believe how mean they were. And people were always so mean to me and I was the nice Midwestern who said hi to everyone and bless you whenever someone sneezed and and that was so bizarre, and I said excuse me, ma'am, and they'll be like, don't call me ma'am. On the street and I'm like what am I supposed to say? Well, ah, it was so bizarre and it was, it wasn't scary. I just got offended every time and what? What you just said, that didn't happen in the big city at that moment where you had to toughen up. But something that's always stuck with me, judith from college said it to me in class voice. She was like Dominique, when you stop being so damn nice, you're going to be successful someday. You stop being so damn nice, you're going to be successful someday and going to the big city and you know she's so New York or whatever. So I could see why she would think that way and it still haunts me. That line still haunts the Midwestern in me. Because I just want to be nice, I want to work with people, I like, I want to enjoy the day. I'm so happy to be around people and so blessed to be able.
Speaker 3:You know, I just was in Mississippi this week performing at a wedding and it was so much fun and one of the guys on stage with me he had left a funeral that day and he was talking to me and he was like you know, you guys, every time I play with you guys, you inspire me to keep doing this and I'm trying, I'm like I'm going to be okay, I'm like it was. It was, it was really touching to me. I couldn't comprehend it. This guy's in his sixties, 50s, 60s. He's older, gray beard, bald head, very talented trumpet player. But he always says, when I grow up, I want to be like you guys, cause he, just he has so much fun when we play with each other and like stuff.
Speaker 3:Like that wouldn't happen if I was just some tough, mean guy. We're so nice, we enjoy each other. I want to show love. I want to share this drink, I want to share this cigar. I want to make sure that we all are on the same page. I don't. I don't want any negative energy. I want all the positive and the big cities. For some reason, that was so frowned upon, it was so looked down on it's. It's funny to hear that was that moment for you for sure.
Speaker 1:It is surprising how different it is and when, and it is interesting that you even got that coming from just from St Louis to LA. But but Judith, I, I, but Judith, I, I. For her to say that doesn't surprise me at all. Yeah, and she was just so mean anyway. But somebody told me one time and I, his name is George Rylander, and I will never forget it I was dealing with something at this at the, at the salon I work, and now we work together at DopDop a long time ago, and something was happening in the office and it really doesn't matter what. But he turned to me and he goes what you have been doing to get by is not working anymore and you're just going to have to make an adjustment anymore. And you're just going to have to make an adjustment, Like what you had been doing that was working to get what you needed and get by in your life needs to change, needs to change, something needs to be adjusted. It's no longer working. And he didn't say it in a derogatory way. He's like basically, he was like this is an opportunity to change or you're going to be stuck until you do change it, screaming, crying, throwing a fit. You're not going to get your way by doing that. You're going to have to go around or go under or go above it. You know it changed my life that when he said that and it gave me a perspective to be able to just go OK, this isn't working, trash it, move on. And it was like, ok, that's not working with these people, or maybe it's not working in this salon, let's move on. Luckily, this new space had the capacity to just take me and understand me where I was and move me to the next place, and this man helped me. This next salon that I'm in has always been just as diverse. This next salon that I'm in has always been just as diverse, but nobody's from here. That other salon, the first salon, was a bunch of New Yorkers born and raised and this one, dopdop, was transplants. They were all me at one point, so they understood me more and I was happier to be in a place like that and from the beginning I knew that DopDop was going to be a place that I could leave and come back to. I saw the ability to have a soft exit from New York in this place nine years ago to bring us back to the beginning and I worry about a culture shock going home in a big way.
Speaker 1:I have been known as a bitch already. Like literally somebody said that I was a bitch from a person that that assisted me for like five minutes, maybe like a handful of hours, and they went back to the beauty school. They didn't even assist me, they just watched me and told people that I was a bitch. And I got word of this and I was like wow, what a chance. Like that's awesome. I mean, it's a little bit awesome just because I'm like they think of me like that girl from New York. She's such a bitch. And for me to have gone from being a little pawn at the first salon that I was at to come home and being a bitch, it just I've gone full circle. It was kind of like a real full circle moment for me where I was like wow, I'm officially too much of a hard ass to work in Southeast Missouri.
Speaker 3:As bizarre as someone. I mean people, people, just the drama. I think people like that.
Speaker 1:Oh, I mean especially. I mean think about it. It's like it's the gossip at the beauty school. Yeah. So I didn't take it seriously. What I did do was go and teach for free at both of the beauty schools, so that my reputation would be cleaned up, so that my Missouri boss would not have a hard time hiring new people. I cleaned that up, because that was important to me first and foremost was that I didn't have a negative effect on the hair salon. Yeah, but I did kind of like that a little bit.
Speaker 3:It's funny that you say that, like I feel like things happen throughout the year and whenever you do things in life that is supposed to happen. This is a conversation that's supposed to happen. My album I'm working on this year, the shows that I'm doing, the engagement that I want, social media, everything, all everything. I've kind of tried to follow this same kind of creed and it's based off of a quote. I forget who said it, I don't know where it came from, just people know what it is, whatever. But they were talking about how, if you do the same thing over and over and over and expect different results, that that's insanity and so I heard that and I was okay.
Speaker 3:I want to put this album together. I want to write this music differently. I want to promote it differently. I want to get different people involved. I don't want to just do it myself anymore. I want to be able to, you know, do a show and look in the audience and be like, hey, this is a new fan base. These are new people. These aren't just people here doing me a solid People aren't just here because they were like well, dominique asked me to come, so I'm here.
Speaker 3:It's like I want people to come because they are fans of the music. They heard it through this person or it was given to them and it's like what do I need to do differently? Let's do different stuff. I will keep stuff. What do I need to do differently? Let's do different stuff. I will keep stuff that I want. I will keep stuff that makes me happy. I will still treat certain things the same way.
Speaker 3:I'm not going to go in to the studio unprepared. I'm still going to be me, but that idea of seeing where I'm at, looking from left to right, is a good spot. Yeah, it's dope, it's better than where I was, but it's like what's going to take to get to the next step. Well, what I'm doing right now has got me where I am. I need to do something else to get me to the next step, and that's so important in every aspect of life. But to see you doing that kind of same mentality and it helping you succeed, it only makes sense that it helped you succeed, because people who sit down and don't push themselves, people who don't expect much, people who don't want much, they don't see much.
Speaker 3:They don't get much, and you've always been somebody who's wanted more. You've always been somebody who's pushed for more, and you expect that from the people around you as well, and I always appreciate that about you and understand that. That's why you're where you're at, because you've always been about that life.
Speaker 1:And it's just not like waiting for the next thing so that the thing could happen. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Like there's a lot of people and this is very common, like most people go through a spout like this and I have things in my life like maybe it's body image or whatever that I'm a when this happens I will do. Once this comes, then I will Like for me it's once I stopped breastfeeding, once I get to Missouri, then I'll start working out. You know it's in, but I've never been like that about my career or my family goals. Yeah, and Lord knows, I've done the full spectrum of body stuff. I know that I can once.
Speaker 4:I start.
Speaker 1:So, anyhow, neither here nor there, but it's avoiding that voice that's like. Well, once my voice heals up, then I'll start going to acting classes again, or maybe I'll start auditioning again. And I was like I'm never going to audition, I'm not auditioning now, I don't want to. Yeah.
Speaker 1:I never wanted to, ever from the beginning, and I was just really practical about that. Like I'm, I'm never going to do this. I didn't like doing it the first time. I did it at SCTC and I was like this isn't going to work for me. I've got to figure out another way, because unless they're writing a show about me like Ethel Merman, there's no way I'm going to be in anybody's track. I'm not going to be anybody's ensemble member. I'm not going to be anybody's extra. I just don't fit in like that. I don't think there are 50 of me in a line in an audition and that's not really like a good thing. I just don't really fit into that kind of thing. So I was like.
Speaker 1:I'm not looking at this like a bad thing. I'm going. Let's do something different, like you said. And something I think about all the time is when somebody said if you want different results, you got to, it's got to be different, just like what you said. And if you do it different, it will be different.
Speaker 1:Yeah like just haircut terms. Even if you turn your finger one way, it's going to land differently. If you, if you turn it the other way, it's going to land differently. If you add a drop of gold, it's going to appear different, no matter what. That's just physics, chemistry, science, math. If you do it different, it's going to be different Period, different period.
Speaker 4:It's very clear. Our love is here to stay, not for a year, forever and a day. The radio and the telephone and the movies that they know they just be passing fancy games and in time they go. But oh, my dear, my love is here to stay To get through the years. This is a good old time, but I love this year. Tuesday.
Speaker 3:This is a good old goody. I used to go to open mics at Davenport's Piano Bar. This is on Wednesday with Becky Menzi, my girl. I loved her so much. Hannah and a bunch of people came up to visit me one year in Chicago and we got to sing this ditty and I always share this, but it's just one of my favorites and I love Hannah's voice and I love her mess up at the end. But much love to everybody. You can listen to all my music on every streaming platform and you can check me out for more information at domlamorecom, where you can get anything and everything. Dom Lamore.
Speaker 4:Our love is here to stay Together. We've been a long, long way In time. The rockies may crumble To brought to mid-tumble, they're only going their way. And the other rockies? I love this here. I love this here. I love this. I love this here to stay. I love this here to stay.
Speaker 3:Of course, now you're married, you have a fantastically adorable kid. You're in this place where I feel like everything's going well relationship-wise. You spoke earlier about how your parents had a divorce and it was messy, and I'm always curious, especially like you know earlier, like when you're older and I'm older, like I always love hearing the dynamics of family like that. But when it comes to divorce, that affects everyone differently and so I'm always curious to ask, like, what do you feel that did for you when it came to relationships? Family did for you when it came to relationships, family looking forward to your own family, seeing what you can do either differently or I don't know how did that affect you going? Into your relationships and now family.
Speaker 1:That's a really great question. That experience has run my life and I've chosen to let it run it in a good direction. I mean, I think I could look back and go. I had many options to not be okay growing up but, like, I've chosen a resistant path to not repeat Ever since I knew that I, that I could be a mom. Like I said, I wanted to be one and I had a strong motivation to just redo what my, the way my mom was, and it has been the scariest thing about this entire my entire life Actually, I was going to say this entire decade, but truly my entire life to find out that I was having a daughter. My mom and I have never been close. It's been a problem for my whole life and we've only had a few really tangible good moments in my life that I can really hang on to, and they're not. It's just there, there's not many and they're not. They're not even that great. I was just like, oh wow, we didn't fight that one time and because I'm I do have high expectations.
Speaker 1:I guess, you could say I do have high expectations for her and they could be unfair, and I've been working on that, knowing that she can't be the thing, the person for me that I expect her to be. She can't and that's okay with me now, but we have. We have fought and fought, fought and fought and when I found out that I was having a daughter, I I just cried and cried and cried and it was the scariest news I ever got, which is I was going to make me emotional because she is the most perfect thing and I wouldn't, I wouldn't change a thing. She is the most perfect thing and I wouldn't change a thing. She's the best.
Speaker 1:But it scared the shit out of me because I don't know how to be a mother, because I never saw it and I've had wonderful women in my life to make up for what I didn't have with my mom and I know my mom's a good person to the right, to her husband, to the right people you know, outside of my relationship. I know she must be a good person, but I was so scared because I'd never seen a good mother daughter relationship. Yeah.
Speaker 1:I've never seen it. I'm bound and determined, like try as I might, to to break that generational trauma. It's just might be my, my last, my dying wish, like it just might be like my, my like. I know that that sounds dramatic, but it is like my number one goal, like that is. The ultimate long-term goal for me is to is to be what my mom couldn't be to me for her and it's taken a lot. And when I say resistant path, I mean I.
Speaker 1:I am no contact with my mother right now. This is really personal, but I'm just trying to be transparent. Some events led to me not being able to have a relationship with her while I was pregnant and I really haven't felt the need to or the ability or have the space to get back in touch with her. She's got a relationship with Kit. She calls Zach every Saturday and they FaceTime and that's totally fine with me. I'm not out here to do that. This is about me. This is about me being able to have the space to learn how to be a mother on my own and for me to be able to decide who I'm going to be with Kit on my own, without any stress and hindrance, if that makes sense. And as far as the divorce in my family goes, I have a wonderful father very present. I consider him both parents and also best friend. I mean it's like we talk for at least half an hour a day, if not more, and he has taught me so much about patience and about letting go, especially to. I mean, he had to let go of my mom at you know, when I was 10. And he was just like you know, maybe you need to and he's not encouraging me and he didn't come up with the idea, believe me. You know he's been that place for me, so I know what it is to have love from your family and I want to. I know that I can give that to my own and I'm having to learn.
Speaker 1:I had Zach and I have been together for over 10 years now. We did break up after a hard first year here in New York and we just couldn't stay away from each other. Long story short, just we couldn't. So we came back to one another going I'm done with this dating thing, are you done? He's like, yeah, I'm done. We're done, like let's just not do that anymore. And he's. We met when I was 12 by way of my cousin he. They were friends, so he knows me, he knows where I'm from, he knows what I'm about and that was always easier than even though we really fought at the beginning.
Speaker 1:And what I keep what you probably keep hearing is that there's a lot of fighting. I fought with my mom. I fought with Zach. I had to really unlearn fighting as a result. I had to really unlearn arguing and I had to really learn how to stand alone in a relationship and strong on my own and understand that just because my partner is upset doesn't mean it's with me and just because he's having a hard time in this brand new city doesn't mean that he hates me. And I would take everything really personally at the beginning. And this was before I, this was before my frontal lobe formed Okay, I was still a kid and this is before my Saturn return.
Speaker 1:You know like I just feel like all of this growing up happened with Zach and I together and here in New York city that that I had to really unlearn what I had growing up, which was fighting and bickering and just as a as a knee jerk instinct because that's what I saw growing up it's like doesn't for me. For me it does. It did not have to be like that and it actually can't. Zach and I got back together after that year and I had actually gone through a big group therapy moment with Landmark Education. I was just learning that if you can clear all of this craziness out of your mind, what can, what is possible?
Speaker 1:If I can settle in whatever manner, whether it be no contact or working on my relationship with my mother, which I've done both what if I can eliminate that negative and all the fighting like what's, what can I create with that, with what's available? Does that make sense? Am I saying that right? There's so much more room for possibility, so much, so much more room for activities, like Zach and I, because we're not fighting, we are, we are. We are choosing not to create arguments, have not since we got back together seven or eight years ago, whatever it is. We have so much more room to to create things and dream of a future and and and you know, learn our kid and and learn from each other. And it's easier said than done and it's taken a lot of work, but I think that's where we both are.
Speaker 1:I mean, there's plenty we can argue about, but we just know that we're committed to one another. Zach has actually been divorced. He's not interested in ever that happening again and I used to be like bring it out, bring it around to like, just like kind of a funny thing, but after having a baby I'm not going out and dating anybody else. This body, uh-uh yeah this body.
Speaker 1:She's not going on t ever again Like, oh no, no, you are stuck with me. That's what.
Speaker 1:I told him I was like every one of these stretch marks you're married to. Every single one of those it was like beyond. I didn't used to Before I had a baby. I was like divorce is healthy. If you're not happy, just don't. You know, I used to say don't stay in a marriage that you're not happy about and it's better for the kids if you just divorce. Just don't be unhappy in your home. And I actually do not.
Speaker 1:I had this realization a few weeks ago where I was like actually I get staying together for the kids thing because I believe that divorce severs relationships with parents. Yeah, and when they say they're staying together for the kids, it's they're staying together for their relationship with the kids, because children actually cannot quantify that. You can break up, but everybody's okay and nobody did anything wrong or nobody's mad, or it was for the better deal. It's always oh what? What happened and why is there a divorce?
Speaker 1:Oh, it's because you know mom wasn't happy anymore, or it's because dad was working too much. You know it's because dad was working too much. You know, there's always even as small as that blame placed somewhere and there was big blame. There is big, big blame in my parents' divorce. Big, big, giant, huge blame, and my mom could never win. When I was a kid there was just no way. There was no way she was coming out on top and for that I feel for her. She did a lot of things, but I do feel for her and that there was no way she was winning that situation.
Speaker 1:She was never going to. She was never going to come out on top there. I think I'm team stick with it till the kids are old enough to understand. I know that that sounds ridiculous and I hope that it never comes to that, but I even texted Zach as soon as I had that realization. I was like, no, this is not for, as a person whose biggest fear is for her child to not love her.
Speaker 1:Yeah for her child to not love her, like for her daughter to not, you know, want to be in her life.
Speaker 1:Because of the way I feel right now with my mom, like I don't want this with her, like I feel really bad. I mean, if, if she loves me even half as much as I love Kit, it's not good, you know, it sucks. I do think that I would do whatever it takes to make it work until they could understand that not everybody has to be the bad guy. Nobody has to be the bad guy in the situation, and I would do everything in my power to make sure that Zach was shining bright and I know that he would do the same for me, and that's how you know you love somebody. Unfortunately, unfortunately, I don't think that anything. I don't see this happening for us, because I just know that I love him so much because of these conversations that we can have and because of this understanding that, like we would never let something like that happen to one another, and I hope that I can look back 50 years from now and say I was right and I think he feels the same way.
Speaker 3:All right, so we made it to the end. We made it to the end. I appreciate you so much. I only have one more question. Okay. We've said everything we want to say. We went through everything we wanted to go through. Last question I have to ask you is how do you feel?
Speaker 1:I feel good To answer these questions out loud in a declaration per se. Out loud and in a declaration per se is really powerful, and to be seen and heard by you is also really special. So I, uh, I think I needed this. Actually, I think I really needed it dope yeah well, I love you.
Speaker 3:Cheers to you I love you.
Speaker 1:Cheers to you. I love you.
Speaker 3:Cheers. I want to thank you for listening to the Black man Talking Emotions podcast. The opening quote. Credit goes to Gilda Ratner and shout out to Hannah for being on the pod. Follow Hannah at HannahMatthewsMore on Instagram. Please subscribe to the podcast, share the podcast and give us a good rating Five stars, please, and thank you. You can support the show by clicking the link at the bottom of the episode description. Also, tell me your stories about these subjects at D-O-M-L underscore A-M-O-U-R on Instagram or at DomLamorecom. I'm Dom Lamore, much love.