"The Black Man Talking Emotions Podcast" Starring Dom L'Amour
"The Black Man Talking Emotions Podcast" Starring Dom L'Amour
Another Check in with Chris Bates
Dom L'Amour speaks with Friend of the show and my best friend Chris Bate AKA @chriselb_88. They have a mental check in and also speak about having babies.
Imagine wanting to start a family but being faced with the complex world of male infertility and fertility treatments. We promise that by the end of this episode, you'll have a deeper understanding of the emotional, financial, and logistical hurdles that come with this journey. Join me, Dom L'Amour, and my friend Chris Bates as we share our personal stories about navigating the healthcare system, dealing with insurance challenges, and the differences between IVF and IUI treatments. Chris also opens up about his experiences with urologists and the potential role of medications like Clomid. This candid conversation sheds light on the importance of understanding your partner's perspective and desires as you embark on the path to parenthood.
Shifting gears, I take a moment to reflect on my current mental state and what I’ve been up to lately. With Adrian out of town, I've embraced the opportunity to attend jam sessions and open mics, which has been invigorating. Balancing this newfound freedom with the responsibility of caring for our dog, I’ve also been networking with new musicians and even had a blast at our recent Juneteenth barbecue. Wedding season is in full swing, and I share some insights on the unpredictable nature of outdoor weddings and how we managed our own wedding logistics. Feeling positive and connected, I emphasize the significance of strong communication in maintaining a healthy relationship, even amidst minor family issues.
Finally, Chris and I delve into the rollercoaster of fatherhood and family life. We explore the emotional and practical challenges of new parenthood, the rapid development of a five-month-old baby, and the importance of flexibility and perseverance in the fertility process. From key milestones like sitting up and teething to the joy of social interactions, we celebrate the simple pleasures and express our gratitude for every moment. Wrapping things up, I reflect on the joy of reconnecting with friends and the excitement for what the future holds. This episode is a heartfelt tribute to the trials, triumphs, and simple joys of family life.
Opening quote: Nelson Mandela
Opening and Closing Theme song: Produced by Dom L'Amour
Transition Music from Mad Chops Vol. 1 and Mad Chops Vol. 2 by Mad Keys
and
from Piano Soul Vol.1(Loop Pack) by The Modern Producers Team
Cover art by Studio Mania: Custom Art @studiomania99
Please subscribe to the podcast, and give us a good rating. 5 stars please and thank you. Follow me on @doml_amour on Instagram. Or at
Ladies and gentlemen, and anyone else who is here. My name is Dom L'Amour and you are listening to the Black man Talking Emotions Podcast. On today's episode I speak with my guy, chris Bates, of course, and when we talk it's usually a mental check-in, so hope you enjoy. It's always impossible until it's done, it's always impossible until it's done, hey.
Speaker 2:so how's everything going with the baby journey and stuff like that?
Speaker 1:They told me I have to go to a urologist. I went to one, so I'm going to one of them. Okay, finally got that going. When I tell you I was ready to murder everybody in the room Because, you know, with our insurance they give us a list of doctors. So I'm going through this list looking for someone close, calling people. I called 15 people because everyone they was before, oh, they don't work here. No more, they ain't doing this. No more, they not in this area.
Speaker 1:And I'm like what the Nigga? And then I called one urologist. He's like oh, you don't need me, you need someone else. Then I called another urologist. They were like no, you need us because we have to check, more than likely, to make sure I don't have any cancers, anything, and then so they could send me off to another person. So I'm like like it's almost like these motherfuckers don't know what the hell's going on. It's making it even more difficult and it's like why is this so hard, especially when all of these people literally deal with the I would assume, deal with this all the time. But maybe I'm wrong.
Speaker 2:Okay, so I'll give you a little insight on that, right. So I went to a urologist, right, and they do all this blood work and all this testing over there. Blood work and all this testing or whatever, it's not really a male reproductive specialist for real. It's really. It's no such thing as that, right, usually when you're dealing with, like infertility or whatever, they usually deal with the woman yeah, right, but you know your circumstances or whatever. Of course they'll send you to all this. But, but I'm going to give you play by play. You're going to go to the urologist, he's going to do all these blood tests.
Speaker 2:It may be a reason. You may actually find out why. You may have a blockage. It may be a mental thing, it may be you never know, it's different. Or you go through all these things and they have no clue of why. You have a low sperm count. You just have one. I went to a urologist in Georgia and he was like, hey, man, I do all this blood work, come back, or whatever. It looked like you got a low sperm count, but we can't really figure out why. So, after I did all that testing, we do our IVF. You jizz in the cup, they make your baby and you just pray for the best. They do all this special testing just for the simple fact that, just in case, or whatever. But after you do all this, dominique, literally your one job is to jizz in the cup after that well also.
Speaker 1:Well, I mean, I want to take the medicine to get my sperm count up, though, right all right.
Speaker 2:So it all depends on which you and adrian want to do and how fast y'all trying to do this process, right? Yeah, if you're trying to do IVF, if you got sperm, you don't need to take Clomid. If you got sperm you got three million, five million, six million you don't need Clomid. Yeah, if you have no sperm, you need Clomid, even to do IVF. If you want to do the turkey baster method, which is I think it's iui, you need clomid because in order to for that to be successful, you need your sperm count to be it's like 20 million or something like that and you need your mobility to be pretty high, like you want your mobility to be like 65 in that range or whatever.
Speaker 2:It all depends on the method you're going. I don't know what. If y'all going that way, then yeah, you do need to take clomid or whatever. We tried the iui valencia was like, hey man, listen, I want my baby. So the first time we actually did try that step and it didn't work which I mean it happens and then we did ivf and it worked the first time.
Speaker 1:So it all depends yeah, I can see it. It's going to be weird. We were talking the other day and I forget who he was talking to, but Adrian kind of like slipped up when she said it. She was like I mean, if I get to a point where I have to do like IVF, I don't even know if I want to do it. She just doesn't want to go through that and that point where we might have to do that. And she's like I don't even want to do it. It's like, oh, we might not do it. So I think, more than anything, adrienne wants it. She wants to do it naturally, though, and she wants to do as natural as possible. So, like me going to the urologist like, ah, I wish, I wish I could just walk in and be like listen, I don't need any of these extra texts, give me the fucking medicine.
Speaker 2:But then again, you never know, I might, something else might be going on. So I can't really like, I can't really say my opinion on it until you go through the steps. And then, every after you go through the steps, I'll start giving you more and more of my opinion. My opinion is, you know, personally I think that putting all your eggs in iui, I do pray work because if that's what the route that y'all want to go, that I want to, but it's tough because when you're dealing with both sides it makes it hard. You know you're dealing with her issue and you're dealing with your issue, or whatever.
Speaker 1:Exactly.
Speaker 2:The only difference between IUI or whatever is that they don't do egg retrieval. But she still got to take all these. She still got to get all these tests done. She still got to take all these shots she done. She still got to take all these shots. Yeah, she gotta take a trigger shot to help her ovulate the day. Did y'all do it, or whatever? So it's a lot of other stuff whatever.
Speaker 1:So, like I don't know, step by step or whatever, you know it's, it's. It's worse. I know, I know and I can tell that you, like I, still got pdsd from it. Yeah, yeah, it's annoying.
Speaker 1:The worst part is because whenever you're going through this process, everyone wants to know, so everybody's reaching out hey, hey what's happening and it's like, dude, let me like calm down, I'll let you know, like stop asking me, I'll let you know, kind of thing. And yeah, I think more and more it's just the mental of damn, you know, is this my fault? I feel like I keep saying this might be my fault because for so long I was like saying I don't know kids. Maybe mentally I like kind of messed myself up because I like had, you know, been so far away from it. But I like I know that that's not the way to look at it and you can't, but it's really something that I, oh, I blame myself completely.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's hard. It's hard to not blame yourself. I would.
Speaker 2:This is just me. Listen, I'm talking to you as a brother now or whatever, like a big brother. Now that are, how can I I don't want to sound rude, I get that, you know naturally is the best form and I get mentally and stuff like that. But honestly, dominique, when you're dealing with like this type of stuff on it, wanting to be as natural as possible isn't really like a legit.
Speaker 2:As natural as possible isn't really like a legit goal, like it's not a. It's not really legit like a goal, because after you take away just not being able to have sex and have a baby, the whole natural thing goes away. Right, yeah, whether you got to do an IVF and you got to do egg retrieval, whether you do a turkey basic, none of this shit is natural. The only way is natural is if you and adrian lay down and do what you do and, yeah, baby, that's, that's natural. So like the thought of it wanting to be as natural as possible but not saying, oh, if I gotta do this, I don't want any kids, it's kind of like just not even really giving yourself a chance because after a while, none of this stuff it becomes natural, right, well, I know I know that.
Speaker 1:But I mean it's just, you know, like, yeah, I already got to deal with student loans and Joey B did not help me out with that, and so I mean, doing IVF is like a student loan. That's how much money it is. It's maybe it's in some cases it could be more, and that's the thing that I'm more concerned about. Like, I mean, I'm sure we'll make it work and we have to do it, but it's so infuriating how much it costs.
Speaker 2:OK, so if I do the other method, how many times are you willing to do that method in order to actually have a child?
Speaker 1:Yeah, see, we haven't. We haven't even gone in that depth, but I know Adrian's.
Speaker 2:And I'm done with this conversation because now I'm going too far. So all right, but how's your mental Like? How's everything being, How's life, you know?
Speaker 1:Mentally, I'm checking in. I'm high right now seven or eight. I'm checking in. I'm high right now seven or eight because Adrian's out of town, which that always sucks. But also it gives me more freedom in ways. Now, granted, it gives me freedoms in the sense that, okay, I want to go to a jam session tonight, I don't have to make dinner, I don't have to clean up or anything. I don't have to worry about it.
Speaker 1:Adrian had a plan for us or we were going here. It's me, I'm making my schedule up. So you know, last night I went to open mic. I'm going to open mic tonight. I host bingo or trivia tomorrow. Then I'm going to go to open mic on Wednesday, like I. You know, I'll be out here moving, grooving, singing, trying to network, because that's what I'm afforded. But then, on the flip side, I have to watch the dog, so I might be out for a little bit, but I got to get back here for the dog and make sure he eats and all of that jazz. So it's fun to be out and about.
Speaker 1:Last night was so fun, just networking and meeting new people, new musicians, and mentally it's just. I can't be happier. I feel like everything has been really dope. We got a new car and I mean people have really been showing us love. You know we did a Juneteenth barbecue. It was a lot of fun having people over here and I told you I've been waking up earlier in the morning every day and really been creating a morning routine, trying to own my morning, doing a new Instagram page. I'm doing more work in the city, trying to do little singing, telegram stuff with the homie Ben and the wedding band. We're going to be off for the summer. Y'all off for the summer. Dude, this is the first time I've been in a band where we haven't had at least 45 to 50 weddings a year.
Speaker 1:Wait hold on Well regular season. The two low points of the year for wedding season are usually January, because of Christmas, new Year's. Eve and it being wintertime, and then July and August area, because it's super hot outside. People aren't trying to get married, because they weirdly want to get married outside. I don't know what it is about everyone feeling like they gotta get married outside, but it's fire.
Speaker 2:That's why because if you can get, if you can get a, if you can get a wedding outside or whatever, you capture a lot of natural lighting and that, like the natural of just being outside, it's fire. Weddings outside is fire, I know for you.
Speaker 1:You got married outside. Beautiful, beautiful wedding. My wedding wasn't outside and you know what happened. We still kicked it, god damn it. That's the thing I just especially as a wedding singer. We were in Selma, alabama. It was 98 degrees and they required us to wear black suits. You have to wear black on black. They ain't give us no room. They only had a fan on one side of the damn stage that wasn't my side, just FYI. We out here struggling and I'm still mad about it, but we got paid and that's all that matters. But when it comes down to it, get married inside in July, that's all.
Speaker 2:Hey we want to get married, just get married in July inside, but everybody want to get married in the fall and in the spring but you know, you gotta think about like this too just because you're in the inside does not mean that you're going to be comfortable, does not mean that anything. You know I'm saying because look at chris wick, you know what acs go out.
Speaker 1:I hope they got some money back for that, because that shit was crazy, dude.
Speaker 2:I couldn't believe how hot it was in there you got to think about stuff like that. But if you get married in July or August, don't even try to have no outdoor wedding.
Speaker 1:Especially in the South.
Speaker 2:In your head. Don't even look at venues outside. Don't even do that, Because why? What you're doing is you're just making yourself upset. You'll get a good day in July, like right now in St Louis it's 88 degrees. It feels marvelous outside bro, I'm talking about crazy good right. And you go look at that wedding venue outside on this day and be like, oh my God, the day you got your wedding is 102. Don't even play yourself like that.
Speaker 1:In St Louis, summer is so unpredictable. There's no way that you like we were fortunate. We looked at the history of the day that we got married for the past four years or something like that, and every year it was pretty clear and what it was. And then when we got married it was dope. But the year after we got married that same day was raining. It was crazy. In St Louis I was like, wow, like in St Louis, you really like we lucked out, because usually you have no idea what the weather's going to be like, especially in the summertime.
Speaker 1:But yeah, long story short, like I said, seven, eight, I feel like, mentally I'm doing well. Adrian and I, like I said, we just communicate about everything so well that it's hard for me to sit around wondering stuff because we'll talk about it before I could think too much on it, you know. So I haven't been really worried about anything. A little family stuff here and there, but I feel like that's kind of been the thing. We went on that vacation and then after the vacation we had a couple of things happen and I'm just like I feel like sometimes I'm like doing really well, and then I check in and that's where the negativity come from, cause it's like stuff is going on and things are happening and I'm not there, so I'm not living in it, so I'm living peachy over here in Georgia, back home. It's like, oh man, it's stuff going on and I wish I, I need to be there for it. So, like I said, that's why I think seven or eight not nine, 10, because of just the little stuff that's been going on with the fam. But other than that, I feel like I'm doing good.
Speaker 1:It's just I want answers. I think that's the big thing with the whole fertility thing. I want answers. I want to know what's next. I want to know if there's anything I could be doing to help. And Adrian, of course, is going through the same struggles on her end as well. Like it's literally we got the double whammy. Both of us are kind of struggling to know where our bodies are and, like I said, all I'm doing is I'm other than right now, like right now, eating really quickly so I can get in between podcasts. Of course, I got some pizza rolls and some tater tots here with a little soda. Horrible eating right now, but this morning I had a wonderful salad.
Speaker 2:And you know what you can do. All that right, bro? Yeah, I walk through the fire. So, like, I'll tell people all the time I'm like, bro, like, if you want kids, if you don't want kids, whatever the case may be, or whatever, you're going to spend money on what you want, right? So at the end of the day, you figure it out. If that's what you want, figure it out.
Speaker 2:If you, deep down, want a child or whatever, whatever, you have to look yourself in the mirror. You have to realize, like, bro, I ain't in control of none of this. So, whatever, which way, every way is gonna lean me. That's just the way I'm gonna go. I'm gonna have to be. You have to be very flexible. The wind gonna blow this way. You have to go with it. And if it blow that way, you have to go with it.
Speaker 2:Do not like just take stuff off the board because you feel like you can't achieve that, or you feel like, oh no, I got this, I got that Because you're going to look back and be like, damn, I didn't got that bread. That's why I be saying people like just have an open mind about this. It's not natural, it's not easy, it's not fun, but I go grab you, jade, and just she's she five months. She turned five months today. It go by fast. It's just like, yeah, all these emotions that you deal with and finally getting something. So that's why that's me saying, listen, man, like life gone, life and things gonna happen or whatever, but if that's deep down you and your wife don't get flushed. Oh see, go go here, go here. You have your bad days. That's fine, you, you're human, but don't let it flush you sway this way. Yeah, at the end of the day, something beautiful will come about let's get to you.
Speaker 1:Where are you checking in mentally how you doing?
Speaker 2:you know what I was like at like a six maybe, like at the beginning of like june, just trying to balance work. I'm trying to balance being a dad. This newfound of staying home you got to get used to, you got to get a schedule, whatever. So I took a little. Uh, you know I get four months leave from my job. So I took a little month off, kind of rejuvenated me, made me realize, you know, stuff could be worse. If you unhappy about something, you got to either make a choice and do something different or figure out a better alternative in the spot that you're in. So took a little break. So I'm at about like eight. I'm feeling good, I'm not dreading going back to work. Me and Jay been kicking it. It's been nice. I'm about an eight.
Speaker 1:Man stuff flies.
Speaker 2:It flies, bro, man, I don't even know how to explain it. It go by so fast that I catch myself like I don't really even know how to explain it. It go by so fast that, like I catch myself like I don't really post her a lot, but I catch myself like always recording everything and just saving it and saving it, and saving it because I, if you don't, man, it's just so much Like days just go like this, just wake up, wake up, you just go, go, go, go, go Go. It's beautiful, though I love it.
Speaker 1:What's some new things that she's doing now, Like what are you getting from her?
Speaker 2:So for month five she had to learn how to. She's trying to get her core right or whatever, because month six and seven you know we could start testing foods right vegetables and stuff like that or whatever but she has to be able to sit up because it'll be a choking hazard if she slumped down like that food not going down. So we've been working on that. She's fully rolling over now. She's teething. That teething stuff is not gonna only imagine.
Speaker 1:I mean, she used to cry all the time before and now.
Speaker 2:I bet you man she's giggly, she, she's always giggling and smiling. She got the biggest smile. You know, those are like the biggest things that I've noticed, like change wise or whatever. She's like people.
Speaker 2:Yet, because I remember y'all said she started like I just give her to like when we go out to events. I'll give her to like people. Like you know, I'm saying like I gave yesterday. I gave it to van, which is burning, girlfriend, I was like she did fine, you know, I think a lot of times is is that with breastfeeding you never know like a lot of times she'd be gassy yeah hungry and sleepy.
Speaker 2:We'll give her to somebody and she's just not in the mood. She, she only want the people that she knows, which is me and Valencia, and then, once she fed and burped, you can hold her. Now, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:She wasn't too bad with me when I was there. Yeah, when she came here, give her a bottle bur.
Speaker 2:She wasn't too bad with me when I was there. Yeah, when she came here, give her a bottle, burp her and she ain't sleepy. She'll kick it with you for a good 30 minutes. You got to just. She like to be entertained, she like for people to talk to her. Like to be. You got to be. What's up, like you know what I'm saying. She like that.
Speaker 2:So but yeah, she getting better, and I saw y'all in Kansas City, valencia's friend Raven, a younger brother, is having twins. Okay, having twins, right, he had like a diaper party.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So we went up there. You know what I'm saying and I went up there because they went through a lot to have a kid too, kind of like. You know, I have sympathy for people like that, not sympathy Like cause, like they ain't no charity case. I can relate, yeah, to wanting to start a family and it being hard, and then once you actually achieve that, when you start celebrating you won't. You want to, you want to have some, you want to.
Speaker 1:You want some love you know what I'm saying like you know.
Speaker 2:So we went up there for that and jay went with us or whatever, and we just chilled and did day. We came right back. We was only up there for like 36 hours because we had another baby shower sunday. So man, everywhere, everywhere, yeah, I was like man, I ain't gonna tell you, I'll tell you right now if this has been like last year. I'd have skipped out on a few, I'm, but I ain't even in the mood just because my mental wouldn't have been. You know I'm saying yeah, but you know you just trying to get her outside a little bit, I go.
Speaker 2:My goal for her is, before she turns one is to go to every major sporting event that I can get my hands on. So she already been to, of course, the cardinals, of course, right, I took it to, she took. She's been to a UFL, ufl game. We going to a soccer game yeah, let me know how that is. She does well most of the time, so we'll see. But yeah, we going to do a soccer game. We going to take her to a hockey game around, like in November H, around my birthday. We probably go for my birthday or something like that. And then when we come down for thanksgiving. I think we're gonna come down for thanksgiving. We're gonna try to take it to a hawks game.
Speaker 1:Yeah, no, don't say you're gonna take her to one. Just let me know when. Oh, yeah, for sure. Hey, you ain't gonna come here and I'm not gonna go to the hawks game with you, oh no, I'm saying like I'm that's why I'm letting you go.
Speaker 2:Now we, we definitely trying to make that. The only thing I won't be able to probably do is like an actual NFL game, like trying to take her to the Chiefs game or something like that. It'd be cold, them tickets be too expensive? No for sure. It's like, bro, like I'm not taking her to no Kansas City game and it's like negative three and we only staying there for 30 minutes and them tickets like six, seven hundred dollars, like yeah november would be fun.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because we originally wanted to do savannah for thanksgiving oh, okay but we ended up doing it for mother's day, so we got to experience that, which I like. I said you got to get down to savannah. It's so nice down there and we have a lot of fun every time. But I'll be performing in savannah on the 30th of november, so that's that weekend, okay.
Speaker 2:So if y'all go into a game, make sure it's not that 30th we're gonna try, I'm trying to get down there the last two months of the year I'm off, so that'll be the rest of my leave.
Speaker 1:So I'll be off like november the 20th through january the 20th or something like that, like two full months I'll be off, just kicking and that's dope, that they let you separate the kind of months and you come in for one month of this and that, yeah, that's really nice yeah, I needed this too because I was like man, I feel like I was missing the whole summer.
Speaker 2:Man, you know, you get off at six o'clock and you just been on the computer. You don't want to do nothing.
Speaker 1:Like I said when I used to work for Walter's Clure, I'll say it on the spot so y'all can hear it. That place is horrible. I wake up nine to five, nine to six, eight to six Sometimes. Sometimes I had to get up earlier. It was crazy. I would get done and they adjust it Cause you know Adrian's parents, they could eat early yeah, 5, 30 if it was up to them, but since I was getting off so late, they would have dinner done by 6, 30 and so I would get done. I would try to breathe for like 10 minutes. I would try to calm my nerves because every day it was the same thing. I was like that annoyed kid got home from school and hated it or was bullied or whatever. And then sitting at the table and your mother's like so how was school today? And he was like it was all right, like I didn't want to talk about it because I was like, ah, I'm being yelled at by these 80 year old CPAs and stuff and they're telling me that I don't know the half of what they know and I'm like you're calling me to learn what you need. So like, stop talking about me. Like I'm crazy. I'm trying to help you Exactly.
Speaker 1:Having to talk to people after that was hard. If it was up to me, I would have went up to my room, ate some pizza rolls and gone to sleep early every night if it was up to me. But I had to be social. I had to leave the house. I had to get out of the place. I had to go outside for lunch. I had to really find ways to find my peace, because that place kept me on a string. And not only that. The computer, the blue light, just looking at the screen all day long did not help. It was so annoying and it was so. It made me so tired. Like you said, I was always tired. My hips are still not made up right Like from lift and from sitting at a desk. My hips are not where they should be. I'm doing my squats and getting myself right, but it's just crazy how that desk job really messed with me mentally and physically.
Speaker 2:You know, we going to be 40 bitty soon.
Speaker 1:How crazy is that dude Five years, five years and I'll be knocking on 40. Before we get out of here, of course we made it to the end of the show. I always appreciate you. Like I said, today was a vibe of just sketching up and make sure everybody's mentally right, but of course I do the same thing out there every episode. How do you feel About? We've done this how many times, I mean, and I asked the same damn question at the end of the episode Every time.
Speaker 2:I feel great, I miss you. I miss you too, man, I do miss you, but I feel great. I feel I miss you. I miss you too, man, I do miss you, but I feel good. I mean I had a good vacation, I had a really good Father's Day, I've been enjoying myself. So I'm just happy man. I'm just soaking all in and just excited for the rest of the year. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:Yeah, all right, well, cheers to you. I want to thank you for listening to the Black man Talking Emotions podcast. The opening quote credit goes to Nelson Mandela and shout out to Chris for being on the pod. Follow Chris at C-H-R-I-S-E-L-B underscore 88 on Instagram. Please subscribe to the podcast, share the podcast and give us a good rating Five stars, please, and thank you. You can support the show by clicking the link at the bottom of the episode description. Also, tell me your stories about these subjects at D-O-M underscore L-A-M-O-u-r on instagram or at domlamorecom. I'm dom lamore. Much love.
