"The Black Man Talking Emotions Podcast" Starring Dom L'Amour
"The Black Man Talking Emotions Podcast" Starring Dom L'Amour
Building strong Relationships through Transparent Conversations with Jessica Trapp
Dom L'Amour speaks with friend of the show Jessica Trapp AKA (@trappedinhealth) about Communicating about sex, communicating about money and so much more.
How often do you talk about sex and money with your partner? On this powerful episode of the Black Man Talking Emotions podcast, we break the silence on these crucial, yet often avoided, topics in relationships. Dom L'Amour kicks off the conversation by underscoring how financial instability can severely impact mental health and stressing the importance of sharing financial worries with your significant other. We are honored to have Jessica Trapp join us, bringing her unique perspective from a household where sex and money were openly discussed. Jessica passionately advocates for women to feel empowered in discussions about their finances and bodies, and together we emphasize the need for transparency and cooperation to build a healthy partnership.
Are societal pressures making honest conversations about sex and finances more difficult? Reflecting on our conservative upbringings, we unpack the stigma and misinformation that often prevent open dialogue on these subjects. From debunking pervasive myths about financial success to navigating the complex terrain of sexual boundaries and desires, we share personal stories that highlight the vital role of honest communication. We discuss the damaging effects of early exposure to sex through media, the inadequacies of sex education, and the misconceptions that arise from these gaps, stressing the necessity of mutual respect and open conversations in intimate relationships.
How do different backgrounds shape our financial perceptions and communication styles? Wrapping up, we delve into the intricacies of managing finances within relationships. We explore the impact of upbringing on our views of money, share personal experiences of navigating financial hardships, and reflect on the frustrations of being undervalued in professional settings. This episode is packed with heartfelt anecdotes and practical advice, underscoring the importance of continuous dialogue and understanding in strengthening relationships. We conclude with a heartfelt thank you to our listeners, a shout-out to Jessica’s podcast "Sex and Money with Jess" and an invitation to join us in continuing these essential conversations.
Follow Jess at her website:
www.lovealwaysjess.com
Opening quote: Michelle Singletary
Opening and Closing Theme song: Produced by Dom L'Amour
Transition Music from Mad Chops Vol. 1 and Mad Chops Vol. 2 by Mad Keys
and
from Piano Soul Vol.1(Loop Pack) by The Modern Producers Team
Cover art by Studio Mania: Custom Art @studiomania99
Please subscribe to the podcast, and give us a good rating. 5 stars please and thank you. Follow me on @dom_lamour on Instagram. Or at
When your finances aren't in order. It can create so much stress in the body and if you don't talk about it because of shame, fear, whatever feeling you're having it just creates and wreaks havoc on the entire body and it's scary and I never want to return to that feeling anymore. So even in moments where I'm worried about finances or I, like you know, I tell my partner stuff that's been happening with my family and I, I sit here and I go. I don't know what to do, and he's like you'll figure it out. You know, let's talk about it, let's brainstorm, let's bounce ideas off of each other.
Speaker 2:Ladies and gentlemen, and anyone else who is here, my name is Dom no More, and you are listening to the Black man Talking Emotions podcast. On today's episode, I speak with Jessica Trapp about communicating about sex, communicating about money and so much more. A smart couple with a healthy financial relationship is always talking about money and how they're handling it. If there's a medical emergency or a job loss, talk about it. If there's a windfall, talk about it. Your financial situation is a constantly changing thing. First thing I wanted to touch on was the podcast that you were working on. You're still doing the podcast, right?
Speaker 1:Yes, I am.
Speaker 2:Okay, go ahead and tell my audience the idea, the topics that you crash and why you chose to create a podcast with that space and conversation.
Speaker 1:I am doing a podcast that focuses on the topics of sex and money and my main objective for this was both of those topics are not talked about a lot in society, talked about a lot with friends and family, and I kind of came from a unique background where my parents talked to us meaning me and my siblings about these topics. Growing up it was kind of like in high school and college when I started to realize that these weren't normal conversations people were having. I went to a Christian college so for me it was very eye-opening to see how ingrained, abstinence-only conversations were and how scared people were to even say the word sex or even talk about it. And then, from like a financial perspective, my parents had us working, like at 13 years old, and they were like if you want to do trips, you need to raise money for yourself, you need to make sure that you're financially stable, and they provided opportunities for us to be able to pay our way to, like church fundraisers and all that kind of stuff. And it was really neat to see how they also opened that door up to welcome in other church friends or other Girl Scout friends to come in and learn financial topics and stuff. It was a very niche topic. I guess you could say that my parents kind of raised us on both money and sex.
Speaker 1:As I've grown older, I'm like even 30-year-old adults don't know how to talk about this, especially women. Women don't know how to talk about finances. Women don't know how to talk about finances. Women don't know how to talk about their bodies, and for me that's super important because why not? Why not talk about it? Why not have a strong foundation? So that's kind of where I'm at with the podcast.
Speaker 2:I agree with that too. I have family members who are married that when you ask them so, do you have a shared account? Or who handles the finances? It's like, oh, we don't even, we don't mix. I do mine and they do there. And it's like what? What hold up? No, no, like this isn't how that should be handled.
Speaker 2:You should be talking about this stuff, this conversation about it, and with the sex thing. For sure, I'm from St Louis. It's a very Catholic town and religion is so big there where it's very much. Abstinence was what we were taught all the time, and we had our fifth grade talk and then you had the middle school talk as well. My mother tried, it was just bad. My mother was always bad at engaging in the conversations with us because she was very blunt and direct and all of us would be looking at her like dude no, no, we don't want to talk about this with you at all and she would just kind of like drop it. It would like be like a ton of rocks. Okay, we're gonna talk about sex and condoms, and it's like no, mother, no, we're not. So I with you. Those are two things that I feel like I rarely even talk about it on this podcast the money part.
Speaker 2:It's hard because you know you're always told by society what you should be doing or what you shouldn't be doing, and what's right and what's wrong. These kind of cars are successful people's cars. These kind of cars are poor people's cars. This is the meal that a rich person needs. This is the meal that a rich person eats. This is the meal that a poor person eats.
Speaker 2:If you don't understand this terminology, or you don't know these brands, or if you don't know these people doing these things, you aren't in the class that you think you're in. The people with real money are here and then you get all of these a lot of scams trying to get rich quick, and this is what you should be doing. Did you know, if you do this little small tip that I know because I'm a lawyer you can make money this way? Or another thing that I keep seeing all the time hey, maybe start you a small business where you sell hats that have no name on them and it's a black hat and you sell it for $15. If you sell to it like scam sounding pyramid scheme.
Speaker 2:Everything always is being thrown at us where you feel like you're talking money all the time but really you're being fed false advertising or fed a product that they're trying to sell to you claiming that it's going to help you with your finances. So money is totally weird in society. And for me, the sex conversation other than with my mother, who was weird. I always tried to talk to friends about it. But as a guy you're taught gentlemen are quiet, they don't speak on their partners, they don't put their business out into the world. And growing up you know people say the girls are the ones that gossip. But guys gossip more than girls when it comes to sex, constantly, constantly telling people what we did to this girl, even if it's a lie, if it's true In that sense we talked about it, but we never really talked about it, you know.
Speaker 2:I would talk to my friends about oh yeah, I hit that or I touched this, or I was with this or that, this and that, but I was never like. So how do you stimulate the clitoris? You know, we never got into the actual conversation.
Speaker 1:The clitoris actually exists you know.
Speaker 2:So I totally agree with you on the money conversation. It's so diluted and crazy. And when this capitalist society where money can be spoken about and people could be telling you with their mouth, hey, this is how you save money, but really they could be feeding you junk that could be ruining you. And then with sex, it was either don't have sex, it's bad, or oh, we can't talk about this because it's not the right time, or I'm not the right person to tell you this, or let's just lie about what we're really doing. Washed in lies and one person trying to one up the other with the guys that I knew growing up and in college and all that, and it was very much. I look back on it like, ah, I can't even believe we spoke about that crap. How do you feel it was for you?
Speaker 1:I could talk about it and like I had friends coming to me and asking me questions, saying, hey, I want to spice things up with my friend. And this was high school, this was college, you know, so younger age, and I personally had never had sex. I didn't have my first kiss until I was 21. I didn't have sex for the first time until I was 27. And but because my parents talked about it, it was easy for me to communicate it. But I noticed around me, especially from girlfriends. They either tried to deny that they were having sex or they felt as if their partners were pressuring too much for them. They said things.
Speaker 1:My partner took me behind the back, you know, locker room at school, and he started to put his hands on my pants and I wasn't ready. And so they didn't know how to have that conversation, like how do I stop him? How do I tell him I'm not ready? How do I tell you know them that, hey, I really don't want to have sex right now. I really just want to get to know you as a person. I'm okay with making out, I'm okay with X, y and Z, but I'm not okay with this. And when it came time for me to finally have sex for the first time. Having that conversation with my partner was very difficult because when he found out I was a virgin, he was kind of turned off by that and he was afraid that typically, as a younger person, I think there's a mindset around when women lose their virginity, they're like attached to that person for the rest of their life.
Speaker 1:There's that thought like she's never going to let me go, she's going to be crazy, she's going to follow me, she's going to want to marry me, type of thing. But you know, I was an older woman when I had sex and so for me it was hey, I like you and I could date you and I could be in a long-term relationship with you. But I'm older, I'm mature. If we have sex, it's not going to be you need to marry me tomorrow. You know I'm not going young high schooler anymore. That's having sex for the first time, that's exploring this for the first time, because you do see a lot of that with women, because we do tend to have romantic feelings when we start to have sex with somebody. It's not just a physical thing. And so by the time we're ready to have sex with somebody, we're kind of you know, hey, I actually like you and I actually want to be with you, and so there's a whole different mindset around that when it comes to women having conversations and having sex.
Speaker 2:Just to turn one of those moments that you said. On my side we had a guy, I remember, in the locker room. He was talking about this girl that we all knew and how he hooked up with her behind the locker room, just like that, and we had this whole you know gym class hero story where we're like this guy's so cool for this and that, but on the outside it could be very possible that same conversation happened where she was like I don't know, we're literally at school, we can get in trouble. I don't think this is the right idea. And he's just like come on, let's do it. You said you was bothered and it crosses that line from healthy conversation to peer pressure, spare the moment. Okay, I'm just going to do it, because he's going on and on. He won't stop until he does it kind of thing. And with that, a lot of muddy water, a lot of very hard conversations, a lot of things that you look back on now and you're like, wow, I don't know what that actually was. Now I don't know if that was a good moment, if that person was bragging about something and telling us one thing but really did something else, or if it was a complete lie altogether. You know A hundred percent.
Speaker 2:It's one of those things that I try not to sit and reminisce about how things happen. But I had a friend who's doing the show and they have this revealing story about an encounter that happened in college. It's the same thing. It's a sex story where I know someone who actually was there that night and they witnessed the whole thing and us getting that conversation from that guy. He was telling us what he saw but he didn't have the details. So he was telling me about how he just felt he couldn't believe she did this and he couldn't believe that this person did that and it was so out in the open and so ridiculous and they must have been feeling each other, they must have been into it each other. But then she tells the story in the show.
Speaker 2:Show comes to find out she wasn't even coherent. She barely remembers a lot of it and a lot of the stuff that was going on was very much rapey, not consensual, yeah, but the conversation around it leading up to even before, like right to now, like that conversation about what happened that night, was very much like she was a slut, she was this, she was that and and she was begging for it, and this guy was this and this and that. But when I listen to the full story, I believe what she's saying way more, where it's very much this dude wanted to be able to tell a story the next day. This guy wanted to be able to push this narrative. He wanted to create this image of her that already was out in the world. People always felt it, but now he had another story to add to the myth that she's some gross slut who's out in the streets doing this and this and that.
Speaker 2:That's really where my head goes to when I come to you with this sex talk, because not only do we not talk well about sex or have comfortable conversations with it, but we begin to see people that we know. We also see scenarios that we've been through in different lights. Now, yeah, and a lot of people don't like that. A lot of people hate the fact that it's like okay, it was okay then, but now it's not okay. Oh, my God, you used to think this way, but now you think this way. You're a hypocrite. And it's like no, no, I have more understanding and education on what's going on.
Speaker 1:And I can have a mature conversation about sex now without being like, oh my God, it's sex. Yeah, because, especially when you're a young child, who you're seeing sex on TV, you're seeing sex, you're hearing about it from older siblings or friends or neighborhood or just social media, because everything, everything is out there now you can see it. You don't have to have age restrictions, anything. You're just being fed sex, sex, sex. And so you're sitting here thinking, okay, that's sex. You have young children, especially boys, who are growing up watching porn and thinking this is what sex needs to be. I need to choke her, I need to slap her. Yeah, some of us like it Heck, I do. But it's one of those things where it's like that's not all that sex is and not everybody likes that. And sex is so much more than what you're seeing on porn. And when that's all that you're seeing or all that you're being taught because you're not being properly educated One, on what sex totally entails and two, how to have conversations around it. Because society, in our school systems, in our religious institutions, everywhere you don't talk about it. We run into issues. And then, when you start to get into college and you think back, you're like whoa, I didn't consent to that.
Speaker 1:I've had numerous conversations with people and they were like, well, I technically lost my virginity at 13, but I'm kind of wishing I waited until later, that it wasn't with that person, or X, y and Z, because for them that's what the cool thing was to do. It was to have sex, it was to make out with the hot guy, it was to get in somebody's backseat of the car or go and spin the bottle and play Seventh Heaven or whatever. Those were the cool things to do. And now they're older and they're like oh shit, like you said, I'm more educated, I know more.
Speaker 1:And that was rape or that was sexual assault. That was rape or that was sexual assault. You know, I experienced sexual assault as a freshman in high school and the teacher knew it was happening to me and he didn't say anything until the last day of class and it's you know, it's these things where it's like he should have been my protector, he should have been the one that stopped it, and it was happening in front of the entire class and it's like yeah this stuff.
Speaker 1:yeah, it's a very gray area. I would say it's not very black and white, and so it's very hard to know what is right and what is wrong, because what is right and wrong in the moment may not be right and wrong after the moment, based on how you're feeling.
Speaker 2:Yeah, with that teacher thing, I mean, you get to a point where you start to notice this years later that the teachers was almost playing along with the high school stuff. It's like years later that the teachers was almost playing along with the high school stuff. It's like I see what's going on. I don't want to interject because yes, maybe this is wrong, but also this is kind of them learning how this works. So it's like if I interfere, I'm going to make it seem like this or I'm gonna look like the uncool teacher, or maybe not even that deep. They might literally just be loving the drama of it and, and, cool, I'm not going to bring it up. And then at the end of the year they're like I have to address this, which makes it even worse because it's obvious that they knew it was wrong then and waited. I can go on and on about that.
Speaker 2:You spoke about your first time. My first time I felt like it was perfect for me. In my scenarios with my high school sweetheart I always call it that because I had two girlfriends in high school. It was the one that I went to prom with. We both were virgins. We both, like, waited. I didn't rush her, I like went to college. I went to college and stayed with her and many ways when I look back at that, that's another one of those cliches of in a way I shouldn't have stayed with her, but then again we really had a great relationship but it was just bad timing.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I needed to go to college and be single and live a different life. I moved and didn't go to Mizzou. I went to SEMO because I didn't want to be close to people I went to high school with. I wanted to experience something different. But I knew that my girlfriend was an incredible girlfriend. She wasn't a bad girlfriend, it was just bad timing, yeah.
Speaker 2:So we stuck it out and eventually we did it. And when we did it, it was one of those things where I was like this is how it's supposed to go. Neither one of us were pros. Neither one of us knew what was going on. Neither one of us leaned on the other one to be like I think you know more than me. It was like we both were like confused. So we were trying things and eventually we got to a place where, when we kept doing it, we developed our flow and knew what we liked, kind of, but even then still felt like years later I'm like, oh my God, I was so bad, you know. But it was great because I didn't feel that pressure. I didn't feel like someone was judging me. I didn't feel like someone was telling me I should know more, I should be better at this. We were on the same level. We had the same understanding.
Speaker 2:The only thing that I have now that I didn't have then was the ability to talk direct, the ability to ask certain questions, because for some reason, I felt like you're not supposed to ask certain questions for sex. You're not supposed to ask what they like. How do they want this if they didn't enjoy this? Did I do this correctly? Did I get you to where you wanted to go? You don't want to talk that way because you don't want to sound like you don't know what you're doing. Exactly the one thing that you don't know what you're doing. You want to feel like you know what you're supposed to talk about this kind of stuff. And no, my mother isn't. Even if my mother was to talk to me about sex, she wouldn't tell me that.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know that's still something that you have to learn before you do it, or while you're going through it, or years later and when you're like I've done this enough, I've gotten myself to a place where, mentally, I can look at someone and be like OK.
Speaker 1:I don't know you.
Speaker 2:You're a woman. Woman orgasms are 20 times different than dudes orgasms. I know exactly what I need to do every time to get me off. Every time with a girl it's different every time. How do you know? How do you do something one night and then the next night they're like. I don't like that and it's like what do you? Mean what? It's so many questions that need to be asked that aren't asked because in the society we're told this isn't something you talk about exactly and kind of like, to that point too it's.
Speaker 1:It's not just that the woman herself has different like evenings and moments, and I like this, I don't like this. Every single partner you're with is going to be different, you know, and so it's. You can't just walk in. I get so frustrated. I'm watching a reality tv show because I'm on vacation and I'm like I need background noise. And I'm watching a reality TV show because I'm on vacation and I'm like I need background noise. And I'm watching Perfect Match and these guys walk in and they're sitting here and they're oh my God, I can make a woman squirt 90% of the time.
Speaker 1:Or I've gotten a cookie in the mail saying best sex ever, and I've been told by every single guy that I've been with best sex ever, you know. But it's one of those things where that doesn't mean that I'm gonna show up to the bedroom and be this is exactly what I do a, b, c, d, and you're gonna like it. It's like no, what works for you? Where do you like to be touched? Where do you not like to be touched? What does your orgasm feel like? You know, every single partner that I've been with, their orgasms are completely different, and I personally love learning what happens to their body as they're orgasming and what happens in their head.
Speaker 2:See, but one thing to jump on that is to flip it to the men's side. I've hooked up with girls where I've asked them questions and they told me oh, that's a turnoff, why are you asking me this?
Speaker 1:Really.
Speaker 2:Yes, they looked at me and was like I don't, I can't, no, Like looking at me, like I'm supposed to just know that kind of stuff, I'm supposed to understand them all and I'm like I'm just trying to make sure that you know I'm on the right page, and they literally was like that's weird that you're asking me that. But then there's also probably the ones who are the most disappointed with the sex afterwards because they didn't tell you Exactly, and that's something that I noticed about that specific person.
Speaker 2:They always are unsatisfied with everything. Their Facebook posts used to always be on board there's nothing to do in this town. They did this one post where it was a group of people talking and there was a subject matter about sex and that's so weird that this like fits so perfectly with what we're talking about. And it got around to them and they was just like I'm never satisfied, Nobody can satisfy me, and I'm just like because you don't be telling them what to do.
Speaker 1:Is that kind of like the mountain that she stood on, that she's just not somebody that can ever be satisfied and she's like all high and mighty on it.
Speaker 2:That's not the way to live a life either, because but once again, she's one of those girls that people look at and they're like, oh, I want to be the one that that does it. Oh, and that makes them the aura, that makes the personality, that makes everything about her a mystique. Everything about her is this mystery that needs to be cracked, or this goal that needs to be achieved. And every dude's I mean she's gorgeous, so dudes still are like yo, I'm about that. I'm about that I need to be the one. So maybe it's part of that game. You never know what's coming from it. But the communication aspect around everything that revolves around it comes back to the moments that I had with her and I'm like I get why she's this way. Because of my experience, I saw exactly what was wrong, what was hard. Yeah Well, maybe I phrased the question wrong. I don't even really know if I was right in the scenario, but I still remember just being so baffled with that whole encounter.
Speaker 1:Yeah, wow, and to have that kind of mentality too. I'm sorry. I want to live a life where I'm actually enjoying sex and, you know, whoever I'm with. It might not be the best sex with my partner for that day, but I'm enjoying it.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And it's all about the connection and the conversation, because I think a lot of people think sex is really just the body's connecting, when it's so much more than that it's. Can you talk about it afterwards? My partner and I just had a weekend away and I've been texting him for the past two weeks. Oh, my God, you remember when we did this, remember when we did that, and we just like flashbacks to those moments and it's all about the interwebs and weaving of everything.
Speaker 2:Story time I can pinpoint the exact moment I became a better boyfriend to people.
Speaker 2:It's so bad but it's so true. I remember I started dating my college girlfriend, nicole, and we worked together, which was something I always preached Don't shit where you eat, don't date people, you work with kind of thing. And here I am doing it. And one night I remember there was this big bachelorette party in the basement bar. There was three bars Riverview, buckner Bar, ragsdale's. I'm working Buckner Bar this night but my guy Marcella says Dominique, I need you downstairs. And so I go downstairs and I'm so pumped because I'm going to make so much money flirting with these girls. And when the party got there, my, my girlfriend Nicole, came down and came behind the bar and grabbed my butt and told me I'll see you at home tonight.
Speaker 2:It was such a big moment because in my head I was totally OK with going out and flirting and sellers putting me down there and making sure I did everything I could to make this money. But then she reminded me that you know, technically this isn't something that I should be out here doing. I have a girlfriend at home and she made sure all those girls there knew that. And she made sure all those girls there knew that. And I don't think she did it in a like a jealous, mean thing, but she opened my eyes to just how quickly I was wet, ready to like, flirt hard and pretend like I had nothing at home. And these conversations about sex and money and different things with Jess really reminded me of that moment where I started to take stuff a little more seriously. I started to look at my finances a little more seriously. I started thinking about what life could be like after college with this person and in a life of being married and all of that jazz. That came from that moment where I'm like hold up, do I need to straighten up? Do I need to get my mindset right? You know, what I needed to do was to talk to my girlfriend about that. I needed to talk to her and see how she felt about those things. And the communication thing once again, it didn't come immediately after that. I didn't start the shaping up and it was this great movie ending. No, I still struggled and didn't communicate properly and that's why we didn't end up together, because my communication wasn't right and being able to talk through any of these things sex money is huge, yes, but just about how does she feel when I'm flirting with people at the bar. That's something that I had to start considering and start thinking about and start understanding how my actions are affecting other people. Just kind of a full moment for me to experience that. So I don't get to talk like this that often on the pod, but I appreciate Jess giving me this opportunity and being so open with the conversation. I really feel like we touched on some great stuff. So I hope y'all enjoy and I'm sending love to everybody out there who want to be better. Hope y'all enjoy and I'm sending love to everybody out there who want to be better.
Speaker 2:It took me getting married to truly get to a place and I still hate money. I hate it so much. I talk about it, thinking about it. We read this book by Gary Chapman, all the Things I Wish I Knew Before I Got Married.
Speaker 2:Finances was one of those things that it really touched on how a lot of divorces revolve around this because people don't know how to talk about it. People don't know what to expect. Some people go into a relationship and assume all right, well, I'm married now, they're the breadwinner, so they're going to take care of it and I'm not going to have to think about it anymore. I can keep using my credit card, I can keep using things, and they'll just tell me no when they need to tell me no or whatever. We'll figure it out that way and, instead of actually doing the sit down, arrange if we're going to join or if we're going to have separate accounts, if we're going to have savings accounts, if we're going to have a vacation account, emergency account, all of the things that you need to have instead of doing that, you just kind of just see what happens. That's usually why people get divorced. So I find it very interesting and agree tenfold that it's something so important. How long have y'all been together?
Speaker 1:Three years.
Speaker 2:Y'all not there yet where you're using it. We still live separately.
Speaker 1:We're in the process of talking about moving in together and what our future looks like, but that's because our leases are coming up at the end of the year, and so we're slowly starting that conversation.
Speaker 2:Okay, okay With that, all right. So then I'll stay with me because we had the conversation. We sat down. We were like who's going to do what? What is going to be best for us? And it makes everything a lot easier. Of course, adrian and I grew up differently, where when we go through some hardships or something like this past January, my wedding band we didn't play but one wedding that month, so I was off the whole month. I started looking for more financial support, work other places, but it was a little struggle, but it wasn't a struggle at all really for me. In my head, like, oh, I've been poor before, we're fine. But in her head she's like there's no money coming in and, yes, we have savings accounts, but she doesn't think about the savings accounts. She's like this is our money that we're working with.
Speaker 2:We need to buckle down yeah and I'm like hearing her saying she's like we're broke and I'm she's like we're broke and I'm like, oh my God, we're broke. And then I look at the money, I was like, wait, we're not broke. But once again, when you come from different situations, the financial conversation is still developing, because in my head broke is one word and broke to her is another word, and so those conversations continue.
Speaker 1:My partner and I had those same conversations after my mom passed away a year and a half ago. My family's kind of gone through some financial struggles and I'm like, oh, my family's broke. And he's like you're not broke, I've been broke, you're not broke. And I'm like, okay, it's a completely different mindset.
Speaker 2:Like you said, Talking about it is the number one thing to help you get through it, help them get through it. Because I hear these things and when I hear we're broke, we need to buckle down, I like kind of revert back to what I used to do back in the day, like I always could get a job. But the thing is I had a lot of jobs and I always get a job because I have a trade, I'm a bartender, I can serve. Customer service has always been number one. So if it's like Dominique, we need money now, there's no discussion. I can go back into customer service and work pretty much anywhere because I have so many years of service under my belt. I started bartending the day I turned 21. Okay, I'm 35 now I'm about to be 35. So if I go into a bartend situation, I'm not saying, oh, I bartend on the summer sometimes. I have 14 to 15 years of experience as a bartender. I know how to do this. So that's one of those things that is very difficult for me, because it's like I have to kind of rewire my head. Dominique, it's not as serious as you're making it in your head when you hear that. You got to remember that she's saying we need to buckle down. But really it's not as dire as you make it, cause I make it seem like, okay, I'm in trouble, I'm about to lose the house, I'm about to. I got to get down, you know.
Speaker 2:So that is still a struggle for me, just from where I came from, from the people I was raised by the things that went on. My great grandparents were very good about their money. They had their house under them, they purchased everything, they owned everything. All right, they understood budgeting and they did it the old fashioned way. I grew up in a house where they were constantly using the calculator, writing everything down, having their checkbook balanced, their actual checkbook balanced. And then my grandmother and my mother. They were more in this generation where it's, like you know, we bought to lean towards computers, computers and and we're actually using different tools for this.
Speaker 2:So I didn't see it as much from my mother, but my mother is also very much balance your checkbook, know what you're going to be spending your money on, keep this much money so that I can do this and then push everything else away. She knows what she's doing, but I didn't see it as much because I wasn't watching her do it at the table. She's doing it on the computer somewhere and it's in her phone somewhere and that's how it goes. So the conversation about it is different and also it's going back to that thing where we said about sex, where it's like I don't want to sound like I don't know what I'm talking about. With this stuff you don't want to be dumb.
Speaker 2:So for a long time it was hard for me to talk to her about finances because I didn't want her to think I wasn't listening or I didn't understand this already. I didn't want her to feel like I was struggling. I didn't want her to feel like she had to help me. I always had this older kid mentality that I'm the oldest. I have to show my younger siblings that I'm okay, and that's including my mama, because I don't want my mama to feel like she is not helping me. Didn't educate me right, didn't bring me up right.
Speaker 1:So the conversation stalls.
Speaker 2:I don't know how to approach it without feeling weak, without feeling uneducated. It's this huge balloon that could pop at any moment.
Speaker 1:And do you feel that is an even bigger burden and feeling with you being a male and like the oldest sibling and not necessarily the female as the older sibling?
Speaker 2:Yeah, because I always felt like you know, the male is the provider, this and that. But I was always shown the opposite of that. I was raised by my mother and it was just her at first, and then my grandmother, and it was just her. She was married. But my grandma weirdly, as a grandkid her husband didn't do much for me financially, didn't do much for me as my provider. He was just there and that's the best way to describe it. My grandma took care of me and then my mother took care of me and they did it together. So I was always shown that women can provide and do it.
Speaker 2:But then also, as the oldest male, is this guy and with all these my uncles and my grandpa and all these people around, my great grandfather was always the top dog. He was always the man who looked out for everyone, for my grandma and my mama. He looked out for all of them. He was the top. So I still had that example. So for some reason I felt like I wanted to be like him. I had to be like him and that's the only way it could be. So I have to be good financially. I have to understand when I'm doing my money. I have to be able to. If my little brother needs $5 or $100, I can be like, yeah, I got you, don't worry about it.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Even if I couldn't do that.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Even if it was dumb for me to do it, and now I've gotten much better, mentally, conversation-wise. Adrienne very much is the breadwinner in our house. There's no discussion about it. I am a wedding singer who travels and hosts events and sings and I make my money and providing my half of what I need to do. I am doing that, but she very much has the solid job. My healthcare comes from her job and I understand now that it's okay. I don't have to be this macho man walking around flipping the wallet, throwing money in. People are saying I'm taking care of my family. That's not how the world runs. Sometimes I'm taking care of people other ways. Financially. It might not be the way that it is on display number one, it might not be the number one way I'm taking care of people, but it's okay that that's not the number one thing I'm doing to take care of people.
Speaker 2:So now it's better. But I'm just kind of giving the perspective growing up and the mistakes I made in the past and the understandings I have, because the conversation was always difficult as a kid because I was told men take care of business. Men's supposed to be doing this. You go on Instagram. Today I could find a post right now of a woman being like I'm not going to date a man if he can't pay my bills for me. Yeah, right now. Of a woman being like I'm not going to date a man if he can't pay my bills for me. Yeah, you know. And it's like well, I'm not going to. I saw this post where a girl was like you got a charger, but it's not a Hellcat. Like it's not the upgraded version. Like you must not have a lot of money. You might not be paid. Like you should be paid. It was like what the what Right? It was like what?
Speaker 2:Another mental thing for me as a performer, I can't look at the world like everyone else. I can't say I'm going to live a normal life like you, because I don't have a normal life. I sing to make money, I entertain people, I go to weddings and I'm the life of the party at the wedding. This is how I make my living. This is how I make my money. I work on Saturdays.
Speaker 2:So when Adrienne's off and she's kicking it and doing her thing, I'm at work and I'm usually gone all day and I come back on Sunday and I can't do anything because I've worked all day today before. So I'm so tired and I make my money that way. And then I host trivia and I host bingo, and I do all of these things at night, not during normal day hours. I can't say, oh, I want a normal life where I'm at home by five and cooking dinner. That's not my life. So to be where I am now, it's taken a lot of years of conversation and understanding where I need to be and what I need to provide, and what I should provide and who I should be as a person. It's a whole different thing and I have to create my own lane, so it's a lot easier. Now I've had those conversations. Give me some examples of some struggles you might've had with partners or with just yourself getting to where you are to have financial independence.
Speaker 1:I totally resonate with you when you were saying that you know, as an older sibling, you have to make sure your younger siblings are taken care of. If they need like five dollars, you take care of it.
Speaker 2:no-transcript, you don't have that and on top of that, we're constantly getting offered lower yeah constantly. Just, I had a friend want me to do a gig for them and I was going to do it because this is the homie, so it wasn't like I was upset with them, but they offered me a number that it wouldn't have been possible to really do what I wanted to do.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And that's constantly because people don't have this. They have this idea that you're a performer and you sing, but I know so many singers I could get anyone to sing and it's like okay, go ask someone else then, and it else then.
Speaker 2:Yep, it's like but I want you yeah, if you want me, then you pay. You understand, I'm a professional and I need to be paid a certain amount. And I've had so many people look at me and be like, but this person said, they'll do it for this much. And I'm like, yeah, they are gonna do it for that much because they don't have any common sense or they don't really do this because they need the money. They do it because it's for fun or so many other factors.
Speaker 2:But if I tell you this amount, it's not for the shit of it, it isn't just because I'm thinking, oh, fuck you, let me just fuck with you really quick and throw a number out. No, I got to pay for this, I got to pay for that. I'm going to walk away with barely any of this money and a lot of this money is going to other things and when I do my taxes, I'm going to write off half, more than half of this check. Yeah, because most of it went to other performers. Yeah, lights, sound engineers, everything, microphones, whatever I need. So I agree with you, but continue.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So my first job out of college. I worked at THQ, which no longer exists. It was a gaming company. I don't know if you've ever played any of their games. I want to say it was a year. It was like my first fiscal year close, the writing was on the wall. We were going to go through bankruptcy and they needed a fall guy. And they put it on me.
Speaker 1:Here I am, fresh out of college, have over a hundred thousand000 in student loan debt and all of a sudden I get back from vacation and my boss calls me in and she says you made a mistake, we're putting you on probation. And I was like, okay, and it was one of those rocky moments because I didn't tell my family that I was on probation. Because it's scary, because you're sitting here and you're I'm the oldest child. I have to set an example. I did four years of college, I got the job, I am making the paycheck and at the time my paycheck was $50,000 a year.
Speaker 1:And by the end of the probation period, which kind of stunk, because I was being told you're doing good, you're doing good, you're doing good and you're improving. And then HR called me in one day and they said okay, we're going to get rid of you or you can take this other job. I asked what the salary was for the other job and it was a $15,000 pay cut. I'm sitting here going. I have $100,000 in student loans. One of my paychecks a month goes towards student loans, the other one yeah, and you know, fifty thousand dollars doesn't really get you far no and so I'm sitting here.
Speaker 1:I'm like, okay, what do I do? Do I take the job, do I not? Do I leave and I go? Okay, how long do I have to decide? And they said end of day. And I was like, okay, I'm taking the other job.
Speaker 1:And again, at this point I still hadn't told my family anything because I was ashamed and I didn't want to tell my parents that I had failed, although I knew what was happening wasn't my fault. I knew that I was being targeted because everybody else in the company, when they saw me switching roles, they were really confused, pulling me into their offices. When we were going through the bankruptcy, the controllers and the CFOs were pulling me into the projects and not the old team members, because they saw potential in me, they saw what I was capable of. But my old team members needed a fall guy and they picked me and I had to take a pay cut. And it became so stressful to the point that I thought I was having a heart attack and I had to take a pay cut. And it became so stressful, like to the point that I thought I was having a heart attack and I had to go to the hospital. You know it was just.
Speaker 1:It's one of those things where, when your finances aren't in order, it can create so much stress in the body and if you don't talk about it because of shame, fear, whatever feeling you're having it just creates and wreaks havoc on the entire body and it's scary and I never want to return to that feeling anymore. So even in moments where I'm worried about finances or I tell my partner stuff that's been happening with my family and I sit here and I go, I don't know what to do and he's like you'll figure it out, let's talk about it, let's brainstorm, let's bounce ideas off of each other. I've learned just talk about it. Talk about it with a friend, talk about it with your partner. Hopefully you are talking about this type of thing with your partner if you are in a relationship, because we hear oftentimes, especially from a male perspective, when they get fired from their job, they don't tell their partners and then their partners are like they're cheating on me and it's no, they just got fired.
Speaker 2:I've known guys that have told me, yeah, I don't, my girl don't have to worry about finances. Like they take that as a prideful thing to say to me, like, no, no, no, I don't, they don't worry about it, I take care of it, they don't have to ask me about it. If they need some money, I give them some money. Yeah, period. And that's the way that they discuss it and that's something that they learned from someone else. That's something that they've seen in popular culture Hands down, dudes just taking care of business, and so you have this stereotype that that's the way it's supposed to be and certain girls approach relationships like that. Certain guys approach relationships like that and think that's the status quo.
Speaker 1:I have a lot of friends that I ask them what does your partner do? How much do they make? I don't know. I don't even know what they do for a job. You've been with this person for 10 years and you don't know what they do. You don't know how much money they're bringing into the house that is then supplying for you and your children. You're a stay-at-home mom. You should know that. Well, why do I need to know that they just pay? Pay for the groceries and the stuff.
Speaker 2:But that's the thing, though. Like, once again, it's it's. It's common with a lot of people why I don't want to think about it. Yeah, I don't like, like money. I hate thinking about how much money I need to save for marketing for my music, how much money I need to push out for production, how much money I need to collect for instrumentalists for a, how much money I need to collect for instrumentalists, for studio time, for mastering, for mixes, for videos, for promo, On top of that, for social media, for influences. The money aspect sucks, but that's what changes everything when you can communicate clearly what you need, when you know how to get that money flowing correctly how you know how to build it so that it works for your business, for your product, and it just takes a lot of time.
Speaker 2:I'm still working on this. I am still working on financially understanding how to talk to my wife and to the people in my life about what I need or what I can and can't. Do you get to a place? We just went on family vacation my grandma and my mother on this trip. In my head I can't let them down. I have to do whatever I need to do to be on that trip too to make sure I'm there.
Speaker 2:I had a family member who couldn't make it and in my head I felt like they just didn't listen to the message. They looked at it and was like, oh, I can't afford this. Maybe that's how they looked at it. They maybe looked at it and was like I can't afford this, so I'm not going to do it, which is a mature way of looking at it, which is the way everyone should look at it, which is crazy that I'm like look at them, why didn't they do it? It's like maybe they did the right thing.
Speaker 2:But then also I'm looking at it like maybe they didn't take the initiative to financially be prepped for, maybe they didn't wait, they didn't stop using DoorDash as much as they needed to, or they didn't stop taking as many Ubers as they needed to. They didn't save the proper amount of money, so they irresponsibly weren't on the trip because they didn't do the work. It could be either or they made the right decision or they actually just didn't prep, but in my head it's like I'm not going to talk to them about that. Yeah, and that's the part right there that makes everything even more complex, because I'm assuming stuff about them financially and I'm not even willing to talk to them about it. Yeah, I'm still going to work on it. I'm going to be working on this forever, you know.
Speaker 1:I think we all are. I'm still working on it. Lately I've been trying to get into investing because I'm at that financial spot in my life where I'm like, okay, I can put a little bit of money away. I've got my 401k through work, but I want to play with my money a little bit. I know nothing about investing. I know you go to a stock broker and you put money in and then you buy stocks, but I'm like how do you read those stocks? We're always constantly learning and I think that's the biggest thing is, people just have blinders on and I don't want to learn. I don't want to have conversations around it because somebody might judge me, because in reality I think you said it at the beginning of this podcast there's everybody out there who has an opinion and if you don't align with their opinion, they're going to tell you that you're wrong.
Speaker 2:Always, you're always going to have to deal with someone who might not even care yeah, someone who might not even care enough to be educated on it but they feel a certain way, they're going to say it. And if they're willing to say it and you aren't willing to communicate exactly, what's wrong with what they said? If you aren't able to articulate the proper angle to make them look wrong, if you just say but you're wrong and they're like but everybody else agrees with me, what do you mean? I'm wrong. They don't have to be educated to prove you wrong. They don't have to care about the situation to say that you're wrong and they can go on into their world on the internet and be right.
Speaker 1:Exactly.
Speaker 2:And that's something that's frustrating about all of this stuff. When you go back to sex, you can go online and if you want to, you can go down a rabbit hole of why abstinence is the best option. You can find a corner of the internet that you're right. You can go down a rabbit hole of why abstinence is the best option. You can find a corner of the internet that you're right. You can always find a corner of the internet that that angle is correct.
Speaker 1:A hundred percent.
Speaker 2:And here's a million people that agree with you. Yep, and that makes it difficult when you go to the internet for anything. Really, I feel like I'm always negative about the internet. I feel like I'm always negative about influences coming from the internet because I constantly see this. I constantly find myself online scrolling and then be like why am I doing this? This is so negative. I find myself reading through comments and I'm just like these people are making it worse, or these bots or whatever I'm reading right now. This isn't making it better. And I'm sure there's ways to use the internet to be educated about sex, to be educated about finances, to be educated about life. There are ways on the internet to find this stuff. But communicating with the people that you trust the most, seeking information from professionals helps, and talking I've always been a person who talking directly to someone being in the room that is the way to advance on all of this stuff.
Speaker 1:And being open to changing your mind. I think a lot of us go into conversations with the mindset of I'm right and I can't possibly be wrong, and then you learn something and you're okay, I was wrong or not even wrong. I think we have this right or wrong, especially in today's day and age with our political climate and all that stuff. It's you're right, you're wrong, you're left, you're right. Whatever you know direction. You want to look at it. And it's one of these things where how about? Neither of us is wrong, neither of us is right. We both learned something, we both took something away and we both get to walk away and think about it more and see if that thought or that piece of information fits into our narrative and fits into our life. Does that fit into our relationship? If you are in a partnership, does that fit into what future you're trying to build?
Speaker 1:Because I think the biggest thing with money is everybody's got this end goal in sight of I want to be a millionaire, okay, but what does being a millionaire look like to you? And really, being a millionaire in today's climate, you don't get far. So it's one of those things where it's what does that actually look like to you. Does it mean that you own a yacht? Does it mean that you just have a house? Does it mean that your kids are able to go to college and not have to worry about tuition? What does it look like?
Speaker 1:And then, how do you develop from where you're at now to get there and take the baby steps? Don't try to figure it out overnight, because 99% of the time we're not overnight successes, as much as we want to be, as much as we want to wake up tomorrow and everything is just fixed and taken care of financially or sexually. Whatever our narrative is that we're working on it's. What processes do we have to take? What sacrifices do we have to make to be able to build and get to the future that we're dreaming?
Speaker 2:We made it to the end of the episode. I appreciate your time. I appreciate your conversation. This was fantastic. I always ask the same question at the end. The very last question is how do you feel?
Speaker 1:I feel fantastic. This was so fun. It was really nice diving into these conversations with you and getting to know you a little bit more, and I can't wait to next time you guys are in town, or Carissa and I head out there to see you guys.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I got to come out. I'm telling you like we have plenty of space for you to stay. You enjoy Atlanta. I'm not sure if you've ever been out here before, but I always. I always tell people come out, for sure.
Speaker 1:Awesome, we will make that happen.
Speaker 2:Cheers to you, cheers. I want to thank you for listening to the Black man Talking Emotions podcast. The opening quote. Credit goes to Michelle Singletary. And shout out to Jess for being on the pod. Make sure to support her podcast where she talks about sex and money. Love always, jess. That's the name of the title and you can find the link for that in the bio on her Instagram. That is t-r-a-p-p-e-d-i-n-h-e-a-l-t-h. Trapped in health on Instagram. Please subscribe to the podcast, share the podcast and give us a good rating. Five stars, please, and thank you. You can support the show by clicking the link at the bottom of the episode description. Also, tell me your plans for the upcoming year. We should collab. Follow me at D-O-M underscore L-A-M-O-U-R on Instagram or at DomLamorecom. I'm Dom Lamore. Much love.
