Alex Mischka: Unveiling the Seduction Conundrum - A Deep Dive into Men's Experiences | #87

Get ready to be captivated by the wisdom and magnetic presence of Alex Mischka, our guest star in this transformative episode of the Sex Reimagined Podcast. As an embodied men's work, sex intimacy, & personal growth coach based in the sensual paradise of Ibiza, Alex has guided countless individuals on the path to unleashing their authentic erotic power. In this episode, Alex shares his own story of sexual awakening and the challenges he faced in embracing his wild, primal energy while maintaining integrity & presence in his relationships, plus so much more!

EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS

• Why every man needs a supportive brotherhood to thrive
• How to explore your unique erotic blueprint for hotter sex
• The secrets to cultivating potent sexual energy through semen retention & non-ejaculatory orgasms (hello, superpowers!)
• Mastering the art of vulnerable communication for deeper intimacy
• Letting go of performance anxiety to stay present & connected during sexy time

EPISODE LINKS *some links below may also be affiliate links 

• Alex | Free Gift 
• Alex|  Instagram 
• Alex | Website 
• John Wineland | Website
• SxR Episode #3 | Ian Fergunson
• SxR Episode #12 | Om Rupani 
• SxR Episode #79 | Sheri Winston 
• Quiz | Erotic Blueprints
• Men’s Groups | Mankind Project 
• Book | Tao of Sexology by Dr. Stephen Chang 
• Book | Sex on the

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KING & QUEEN OF HEARTS. Leah & Willow's King & Queen of Hearts Intimacy Toolkit is on sale. Use Coupon  Code KINGANDQUEEN10 for 10% off. 

Transcript

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 1:13

Alex Mishka is an embodied men's work, sex intimacy, and personal growth coach. He resides on the island of Ibiza. And alongside supporting clients with his range of one-on-one containers he facilitates workshops and retreats in the field of men's work and intimacy. He does erotic blueprint, breath work, so many other things that he brings and melds together. And he is really brilliant. I really enjoyed him. I thought he was incredible. I would highly recommend any man who was like, I think I need to get into some men's work to go do a retreat Ibiza, because there's a lot of hot women there too. So you'll get all kinds of

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 1:57

opportunities probably.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 1:59

moving through your body.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 2:01

Yeah. I think it's a beautiful example of someone who's embodied and is invested in the deepening of masculine energy. The kind that's so sexy, so magnetic, so connected to integrity and being in attunement with their lover. These are all skills that he helps people cultivate. That deep, deep presence that I have to tell you is fucking irresistible. So if that's at all interesting, then please tune

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 2:37

tune in, turn on,

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 2:39

and fall in love with Alex.

Announcer: 2:43

Welcome to the Sex Reimagined Podcast, where sex is shame free and pleasure forward. Let's get into the show.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 2:52

We're thrilled to learn about you and to know of you and your work in the world. And we're just so excited that you're with us today and specifically your work with men and really your focus in on them, with them around stepping into their erotic nature and really discovering what that is because I think there's such a stigma for men around sexuality that it's got to be one way. It's got to be get it up, get it in, get it off, and get it out. And there's so much more to explore and I think it's so valuable to give men that gift. So thanks for the work you're doing in the world.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 3:31

Yeah. Thank you for the warm introduction and it's great to meet you willow and Leah. I love your podcast. I love the project that you have at the moment and all the work you're doing. So it's a real honor. It's an honor to be here.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 3:41

Yay.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 3:43

Tell us a little bit about who works with you. Like, could you give us sort of a, picture, a view of the men that you work with? What are they struggling with? How old are they? You know, who are the men that you're encountering in your work?

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 4:01

Yeah, I work with mostly men and women and some couples, but the men that come to me are usually men that are kind of on the path. They've had a bit of a wake up call. They're curious. They've heard about things like polarity and eros and Tantra, and they know that something deep is missing and they want to kind of course correct. And they deeply want to satisfy the women they're with as well. They know that there's much more adventure to be had there, so it's wonderful to work with them and start unpacking their own erotic nature with them.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 4:32

I can tell you right now, I know a lot of women who are looking for a man like that. So you keep helping them deepen and then maybe give us their phone numbers and we start.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 4:44

Give us a list of phone numbers. Are they often, the men who come to you, are they often single or are they usually coupled or is it kind of a mixture?

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 4:54

They're usually either in relationship or have just come out of quite a long relationship.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 4:57

Just come out of something.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 4:59

Yeah, yeah.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 4:59

And their like, well that didn't work. Help Alex

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 5:02

It's usually what happens with men is there's a huge crash, there's a huge accident. There's something blows up in their lives and they're like, okay, now I realize I've got to fix this. So,

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 5:14

Okay. So that it's a big wake up call. Like the universe shakes them up.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 5:18

And then how long do you typically work with them and what's sort of your what kind of track do you take them through?

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 5:26

Minimum with any client, three months, I don't think there's any arc of experience that will have any impact in a client's life unless it's three months and they usually stay on for a bit longer as well.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 5:36

Yeah.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 5:36

Yeah.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 5:37

That's my experience too. That's great. And so you work with clients all over the world.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 5:43

Yeah a lot of,

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 5:44

I know you are living in Spain.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 5:45

Yeah, in Spain in Ibiza the White Isle which is just all sex and madness. and

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 5:50

We feel so sorry for you. You, your life must suck. Oh my God. No one ever hears anything cool about Ibiza.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 5:59

I tell you what, it's actually very difficult here for men. For men because we're outnumbered. There's, it's 70 to 80% Incredible beautiful women that are streets ahead and we're kind of outnumbered. We need a strong brotherhood here because there's so much beauty around that actually. it's really hard to maintain your integrity and kind of just stay focused sometimes.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 6:21

What an interesting problem.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 6:23

That's interesting.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 6:26

Yeah and all sincerity. I mean like I never conceptualized that would be something that one might have to challenge themselves to process and go through and not just succumb to like the wet dream of what you imagine so many men would like. But of course there is a desire to, live with yourself in a feeling in an estate that is confident about your integrity and wanting very much to be the best that you can be. And seduction can often derail that can take you, into realms of regret and, which kind of circles into shame a little bit. Can you say, something more about the piece between regret, shame, and integrity and what you think is unique for men in that specific thought form.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 7:34

Yeah, it's a beautiful question actually. The triad of regret, shame, and integrity. Firstly, I know that we need other men to keep us straight and sharp. That's something that I'm seeing more and more now is a lot of men come to me and they, they just don't have the community piece. If the three wheels are solo practice, relational practice, and then the community practice, a lot of men are just missing that third wheel. They don't have other men to kind of reflect back to them. This is where you need to, up your game, or this is where you are right. And I think on the island here, there is a strong brotherhood. But I think without the men I know here I would just be drowning. I'd be drowning in this ocean of feminine energy. And Ibiza is a very feminine island. She's wild. She really throws you around. So back to the shame piece, I think and regrets. Well, we know that's the shadow, that's the realm of shadow. That's the stuff we keep getting stuck on. And it's sticky. It's, and it's ever present, it's life shadow work is life's work. So I put in my personal practice, I've had to really sharpen my blade and look out for the part of me that's the love addict that just wants it all. And I've had other men have helped me with that.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 8:43

Do you lead men's groups on the island?

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 8:46

I do, yeah, we lead workshops, circles, retreats here, and the brotherhood is strong, thankfully.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 8:52

That's good. Yeah.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 8:54

I was listening to npr it was like a year ago, and they did a they did a story on male friendship and how different it is between men and women. So it was little boys. It was so cool. They opened up the scene with like two seven year old boys who are best friends, and they were so excited because they were going to do this thing and they were going to have a sleepover and they were going to do a fort and they talked about getting in fights, but then it's okay. And then they're right back to being friends. And it's like, it was so precious and adorable. And your heart just like opens and you just imagine any little boy and his little circle of friends and the adventures they kind of, imagine. And they play that out in their playtime. And then boys turn into men and for lots of people, it's like, okay, you graduate and then maybe you'll go to college and then you find the girl. And I'm talking very heterosexual right now. And then you get married and they start to have the kids. And then where are the friends? You might have couples that are sort of friends, but for a lot of men they lose that close connection of the kind of friend they had when they were little boys. And by and large, a lot of women don't. We are somehow socially conditioned and it's very normalized for women to have close friendships throughout life and to have, people they can talk to on the phone and share the corners of things that are happening day to day. And it's interesting to me that men don't experience that a whole bunch. And then what often happens is they described and they did all these statistics in the interview, come middle age, here comes the divorce. Kids are pissed at you. Wife doesn't want you anymore. You've lost most of your income and savings to divorce and now you're living in a shitty apartment, hating your job with no close bonded relationships. And they started to make a correlation between that and suicide. Because the highest rates of suicide are middle-aged, white collar and white men. And I just was as a female identifying woman, was really surprised to hear that I had never known that there's a loneliness for a lot of men because they're missing that third wheel of community. And I just wondered if you could speak on that.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 12:40

Yeah. Thank you for mentioning that because obviously our talk there's a juicy podcast about sex and sexuality, right? But actually underpinning this is this whole theme of loneliness and isolation. And it's beautiful that women feel they can speak with each other. I'm imagining many of the conversations that women have are around intimacy relating, the feminine yearning for connection, right? That's the thing that drives the feminine, is the deep connection to intimacy. I think men are catching up to that slowly. But there is this an epidemic of suicide. There's an epidemic of loneliness and lone wolfing out there. And it's hard for men to approach even other men to go, Hey, like, what do I do? How do I do this? What's going on? We have a kind of threshold that we reach. And then beyond that is the great unknown and having to kind of look at our stuff. And most men just don't bother. They don't think there's any other options. So that's why I'm hoping men's work will spread and spread and spread.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 13:31

Yeah. If someone was listening to this right now and they were like, oh, I relate to that, I relate to, who are my friends? Who would I call? What would be a good first step or maybe first three steps in finding those kinds of friends and community?

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 13:52

Yeah. Yeah. Just firstly to reach out to either another facilitator or a therapist, or if you've heard, if a man has heard of a men's circle to find a circle and join it, or to even go on a workshop or retreat, just some event or activation that will give him a taste of an an opening in his heart, a sense of welcoming and belonging. Because as soon as he reaches out to one other man who's already doing the work, that man will welcome in instantly.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 14:23

Yeah, there's a real comradery amongst men and, I live in a bubble where men's groups are plentiful and they're all over the place. California, Northern California.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 14:31

Yeah.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 14:32

and you know, all men.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 14:33

Especially the Mankind Project.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 14:34

I hang out with are in them, you know? And so, but there's the rest of the world, and especially in the US where it's like, we've just got to man up and we've just got to like muscle through this. And even plenty of men around here are still in that mindset. I was, with my ex, I'd be like, why don't you find a men's group? And he'd be like, I don't need one. You know? And so, I mean, how can, that's another question is like, okay, but you're struggling. You don't have the community you want, you don't have anyone to talk to besides me. And so like, how can we support or kind of get a glimmer in there, like open the door a crack first for a man who's like, I don't need it, you know?

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 15:17

Yeah. How can you help a man

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 15:21

want that? But he does. he does need it. He just doesn't know it yet.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 15:29

How do I tell my husband, you really need this. It's time.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 15:33

It's so difficult, isn't it? Because there's, it's, I was in one of John Wineland's circles recently. We were talking about this and

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 15:40

Love him.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 15:41

Yeah, it's one of my great inspirations and I'm looking forward to meeting him hopefully next year and his team. And we were talking about this like, it's really difficult when a man feels like someone is both masculine and feminine energy doesn't want to be fixed, right. Especially the feminine. But with a man, when you try and like, show him the way and go try this, he wants to feel he's got there on his own. So maybe he needs another rock bottom. I don't know what his threshold is, but with most men, we don't want to, it's like we need to have to build the structure ourselves. We need to be having to our own.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 16:14

It needs to be their own idea.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 16:15

It needs to be their idea. Yeah. It needs to be, I led myself to this.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 16:20

I was always trying to do that with my ex, but he was too smart. Yeah. It never works. He's like, I know what you're doing.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 16:26

Yeah. So, do you work virtually with people?

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 16:30

Yeah, it's, I mean, a lot of my clients are international, from New Zealand to California to parts of Europe. So yeah, it's quite a broad group and a lot of the calls are on Zoom, so yeah.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 16:40

Great.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 16:41

And your originally from the UK

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 16:44

I am. Yeah. Yeah.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 16:46

I imagine for you your own personal journey and healing path, and I'd love to just hear a little bit more about your genesis story and how you came to this work. But I, coming from the uk I have some close friends who grew up there and it's like, wow, not only is there the, like, be a man stigma but with the English influence it's very strong. There's a very rigid sort of way about that culture. So I would just love to hear your journey and how it all unfolded for you.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 17:20

That's such a,

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 17:21

Do you relate to that?

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 17:22

Yeah. These cultural stereotypes are on some level, very true. England, the stiff upper a lip, very, the idea that we're sexually repressed is true. And also at the same time we are wild. Like it's something has bubbled up in.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 17:36

Some of my favorite people. Yeah

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 17:37

Yeah totally. Totally. Yeah. And but we're doing okay. But yeah, in England, I didn't really identify with being British. I didn't really feel English.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 17:47

Interesting.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 17:48

I have, it was when I eventually moved to London that I got really into the dating scene and there was a big proliferation in the world of pickup, or I hate that word. I hate it, but it's, there's something beautiful about the art of social artistry, right? How to meet people, how to create an amazing sex life by having options and being authentic and learning how to approach women. Like that was the, that was my main kind of avenue into this work. And then I began discovering the world of Tantra and the inner child and shadow work and men's work, and how do I heal my fatherhood? How do I heal my motherhood? All that stuff came through the lens of dating. So that's kind of been my evolution as a coach through.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 18:30

So glad you brought that up because my husband before we met was looking into the whole pickup artist scene and the way he described it, the pickup artist has such a negative piece around it because if you don't have integrity, then it feels like it's just a way for men to get off on women, to take advantage of women. Like there's a theme that runs through that, and my husband was seeing both, right? And he was going. Yes, it'd be wonderful to have more confidence, to be more at ease, to feel like you can be relaxed and have engaging connections with women. And then how, I guess there are stories, I haven't looked deeply at it, but it's on my list to kind of become more informed in this community because the light side of what I'm hearing is, there's a deepening that actually happens. Is there's like, it seems like there's like an arc. There's you kind of have to go test yourself and figure out, okay, how many phone numbers can I get? Which is a measurement of how am I doing? You know, am I feeling confident? Are people responding to me? But then something transcends and maybe it's having a few more shallow experiences or getting the super hot girl, which doesn't necessarily mean that's who you like. But there's some sort of status that represents that. And he, I can't go into details because I don't remember them, but I was left with the impression from these conversations that there's something really profound there. And and I, and I would be great to have it rebranded. And so that also and we're very, we're talking very from a cisgendered perspective, so I just want to acknowledge that to the audience. It'd be cool if there was a way to invite the feminine into the process somehow, so that it felt like there was like partnership, that there was like a conscious thing happening from that perspective.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 20:38

It, seems like when it's done with integrity, that is how.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 20:41

Yeah.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 20:42

Right, Alex?

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 20:44

She's in many ways inviting. There's so many subtle cues that happen on the street or in a bar like that men should learn to pick up on, that are invitations from the feminine. And I know in America there's a rich, like, we see it a lot in your culture and in movies and stuff, but you guys are wild. You guys are very free and open. I've noticed this about Americans. There's a real warmth I noticed this about the Europe, about Europeans and Latin culture. And so living in London, which is a big mix of that, it was wide open. The field was wide open. And I was like, I'm going to play with this. I'm going to see what's possible. And I think that relates back to how you opened the conversation with the word seduction. Right? And this building a roadmap of how do we become more free to let go of some of our shame claim, our desires, like claim, that kind of dark energy that's like, no, this matters to me. I want this.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 21:33

I want this.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 21:33

I want good sex. Yeah. Yeah. I want to meet you.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 21:36

There's a lot of chi behind that. lot of energy to be played with there.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 21:40

Some juju. Yes. That's juicy. And I think women, respond to that. I think that there's beauty in shadow too, right? It's like, it's not all about just being in the light. There's, I think the shadow is so important. I don't even know that I like that total framework because I don't think it's an either or I think it's an and, finding ways to be embodied because we have to know ourselves. And so I don't like just the idea of dismissing the shadow, trying to always transform the shadow, but there's a part of like owning it. And so as you see men with the desire to want to be more confident and feel like they can find that juicy art of seduction while also being in integrity, what are the obstacles between being that and where they're at right now?

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 24:11

Yeah, such a good question. It's usually the obstacle, the internal obstacle of full permission. Granting themselves full permission to actually claim their desire and approach their partner, go, I want to create this container with you. This is what I'd love to explore with you tonight or in a weekend. Or there's a part of them that's kind of shut off and they're like, I'm not allowed to do this.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 24:31

Does that full permission, does it relate to self-worth?

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 24:36

Totally. Yeah. Self-worth and the cultural idea of how a man should behave with a woman. What is actually allowed here? And not understanding his own erotic roadmap and understanding her singing. There's a song of desire. Every woman sings and in through the blue, the blueprints framework, it's, get to understand, okay, kink's a huge part of my life, or energetic is a huge part of my life, or the way we're wired erotically. And I think a lot of men are just the beginning to wake up to, oh wow, not just my woman or the woman I'm with, but I myself also have these really unique flavors and desires that that feed me.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 25:16

Cool. Yeah. I'm glad you brought up those distinctions because I was, going to ask you like about desire, like, well what do they desire? And I think having the language of the Erotic Blueprints is a good one because the human mind likes or likes to put patterns in place. And so to be able to start to talk about sexuality from that framework and why don't you tell us a little bit about the framework for those people who don't know what their erotic blueprints are.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 25:47

Yeah, just in quick summary, Jaiya an amazing American sexologist and she had hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of patients and she discovered in them that there were these five distinct erotic types. Like people had unique nervous systems that were wire for arousal in different ways, and she grouped them into the erotic blueprints, which are the sexual, energetic, the central kink and the shapeshifter and their distinct ways that people feed their arousal and feed their own erotic nature.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 26:21

And so there's a test that people can take to find out their percentages of their own erotic preferences. Was that, is that how you might describe it?

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 26:31

Yeah. There's a world famous quiz that gives them a brief taste of the roadmap and it gives them a sort of, yeah, like you said, a kind of a little bit of a mixture and a balance of where they're at, and what their dominant blueprint type is. And that usually unlocks the first doorway.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 26:46

What are some of the can you share with us some stories that you've had with some of your clients, some of your male clients around when they discover like, oh my God, I'm actually not a sexual because that's what all men are supposed to be, right? I'm actually an energetic, or, wow, I really like this kink thing. I'm a little embarrassed. Is there shame that comes up is their guilt? Like, do they have to overcome their conditioning? What does that look like for some of your clients? Do you have any fun stories you're able to share?

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 27:15

Yeah. Thanks for asking Willow. Yeah, I have have a few moments of a man being actually shocked that he's not this stereotypical sexual. Like, in and out, body nudity, genitals, it's all like, it's he writes, A lot of men are actually energetic and they're like, wow, I have a whole list of needs here that are so subtle. And once he can own that, then he can kind of start serving his lover more and creating containers where they can both explore.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 27:45

So cool.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 27:46

That energy.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 27:47

We interviewed Ian Ferguson Jaya's husband last year. So for those of you who want to check out that episode, it's number three on the podcast. And he talked about some of that genesis story of them falling in love and wrestling with their sexual differences and not speaking the same language and sort of the breakthrough that they experienced as a result of using this map. And I think he said something really interesting that a lot of people miss because they don't go deep enough into the blueprints. Which is they find out what their two highest percentages are, and then they just settle into that. Okay Willow and I are both energetic, sensuals. And then people just go, okay, that's who I am. So I, guess I'll just go deeper into that. And I have been served so much by that by the blueprint mapping, by looking at my percentages that are the lowest and getting really curious about the ones that maybe either I've denied. I've judged, I've resisted, or I haven't simply encountered yet. Yeah. And then to try to go, and then to meet people or to have observation of those that are, have higher percentages in those categories, and I'm looking at them differently and going tell me what, you know. What am I missing? And then a desire has opened up in me. I've been looking at kink and sexual from a whole different mindset, and it's been so refreshing. And for, both Willow and I have been in the industry for 20 plus years. And it's wonderful to keep discovering, keep learning.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 29:34

I think thats one the beautiful things about the blueprint model is it just, it continues to unfold and unfold. There's so many layers within it. And really just exploring sexuality in general, going from B D S M and Tantra, and checking out all these different avenues and finding out like, well, I like that, but I don't like that. But why don't I like that? What is it about, what is it that I don't like about it? And digging a little bit deeper into that, and then maybe discovering, oh, the reason I don't like that is because of this trauma I had when I was a kid, or this way that I was shamed by my first partner, or the first time I had sex. I had this experience. And so that triggers that memory. Then that comes up for review and it gets to get healed. I think that's the beauty of just exploring on a sexual path. The way that we get to guide people in.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 30:26

Yeah. Even just ignorance, right? Like, we'll judge something, so we'll judge something that we know nothing about.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 30:31

Yeah, totally.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 30:32

Because we are ignorant.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 30:34

yeah, There's a charge there, there's an aversion there, there's some charge there, and there's usually a gift in that charge. Like, oh, actually just beyond is.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 30:43

Totally. So, I imagine that as people start to take that map deeper, they encounter some of those judgments and it leads them back to shame, or it might lead them back to a trauma. What can you say in regards to both your personal experience and the experience of your clients who you are sort of revealing this pathway to? What are they up against? What's their resistance?

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 31:11

Yeah. The resistance is normally to do with like, so the shadow's interesting because it's there are things that happen in our past, but it's also kind of added at every relationship we have kind of adds a little bit more to the shadow. Every moment where there's like something, something occurs to our nervous system that just gets layered in there. And it could be where we weren't met in a certain way or seen or worshiped or honored or adored or we just shut down a little bit and then we stop revealing that part of ourselves. And so I find with a lot of the men that I work with, that they've either been in a really long relationship and it's just stagnated and they've just got, they've allowed it just to kind of fall pieces or they've just kept, they keep hitting the same hurdles. And again it comes back to this claiming his primality. There's a, I love working with the darker energy in men because I think that's where the most shadow lies, and there's a usually a part of them that really wants to go there, but is afraid to reveal that part of themselves. Is afraid of the rejection or making a mistake or actually hurting her. So I try and train them to like, no, slowly titrate into that darker energy and give it a home because you are a wild animal at the end of the day. And if you don't claim that part of yourself, there's a part of her that's starving for that usually.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 32:30

Ding, ding.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 32:31

What are some of the big fears that come up for men as they are getting into like, okay, I'm going to claim this wild animal inside of me. And also like, how do you support them through that? What kinds of activities or practices do you do in, like, say in your workshops or your retreats with men?

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 32:48

The most important pieces I think are. How to set up a safe container. How to set up safe consent conversations, how to set up safe desire conversations. And then in the act, how to go really slowly and reconnecting with the breath, and reconnecting with the body, and reconnecting with a sense of being the masculine container, like how to slow down and provide safety. Because that's the deepest desire is to provide safety, but yet also danger and mystery. And it's a bit of a mind. It's a mind fuck for a lot of men. They're like, how do I what? But logically I can't go that way. How do I do both? How do I mix both of them up?

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 33:23

Yeah. And it requires staying in the moment and staying connected to yourself. And I imagine if you're feeling insecure, that would be a slippery slope.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 33:34

And I love what you just said too, about being the container. We were just having a deep conversation with Om Rupani the other day and you know, it was like that, you know, that's what's missing with men. They don't know how to be the container. And women have had to rise up in this world and kind of be the yang, like, support themselves. We're in this kind of swung to the other side and so there's this sort of imbalance in the sexes.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 34:06

Yeah, yeah. This is why I don't, with every man I work with, you usually will leave the blueprints or any of this. It's, I will take him through a process of embodied grounding, like what does it mean to be in the masculine energy? And then what does it mean to make peace with your own body and your own self-pleasure first? Because a lot of men don't even think about this like mirror practice really coming home to the cock, actually loving his own cock. I mean, when you love your own cock and you want to share that with the world, because that's, there's such a deep intelligence in our anatomy and I think a lot of men, they get caught in the performance piece and the, am I doing it right? Well do it right for yourself first. Love it. Love your own practice, and then bring that to your partner.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 34:46

See, that's the same on both sides of the sex. It's right. We were like, come on ladies, just love yourself first. You're, come on, men, just love yourself first. Yeah. You got to understand like what turns you on and then know how to communicate about that. I think that's a really big shame piece is stuck right here in the throat where it's like, okay, I finally figured out like, I like my cock, I like my body. I'm good to go.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 35:10

This is what I want you to do with it.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 35:11

But how do I ask for what I want around that.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 35:15

Totally. Do you know what women, when a man, when I meet a woman who's that who's really, well versed and really owns her desire, it's the hottest thing ever.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 35:23

It is so hot.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 35:25

Ever. Like, it's just incredible because she knows herself.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 35:27

I'm getting turned on while you're saying that.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 35:33

Yeah, I think this theme of like A. Give yourself permission B. Something willow often says is the medicine is in the shadow. You know, you have to actually go into it and be fearless and go through the eye of the needle and see the things you're afraid others will see in you if you're judging those things. And so I think it's like, it's so powerful because we very much through our culture and through our families and through our religion, have a tendency to look at penises and go, you're misbehaving. You are so misbehaving, you are so dangerous. You are just going to hurt people. You're going to hurt women. And like, so there's like an abuser energy that's connected to the genitals of I think everybody, it doesn't matter who your sexual preference is. I think there's such a deeply rooted, conditioned subconscious thread. And I know that women have their version of that, but even when you think about Masturbation, right? It's a term that we all use, but it actually translates to pollute with one's hand. And so like, the psycho linguistics even behind self pleasuring if we're using words we don't even understand have a history of a description that's actually so unfriendly so unloving.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 37:06

The other from

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 37:07

I just,

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 37:08

about the pudendal nerve meaning shame. So there's nerve pathways, like the clitorial orgasm, like the main nerve pathway and it means shame.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 37:18

Wow.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 37:19

Orgasm pathway for men for the pudendal nerve.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 37:21

Because it goes to the head of the penis.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 37:23

So isn't that fascinating?

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 37:25

That's so interesting.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 37:26

Yeah. Yeah. So what are men discovering by looking at self pleasuring with this different viewpoint? What are some of their ahas?

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 37:37

They're realizing how actually how important it's to take the time to kind of really develop that depth of presence with themselves. And that's seems to have a slight wave effect in their relationships. Like, there was a client recently that was like, well, okay, so I've learned how to retain my seed and I'm getting better at that. But then when I go into love making I just come undone. And I was talking with him about, okay, take some of that energy of your practice with the mirror, or really the breath and just become the rock underneath her. Like become like an anchor. Forget it. Like, don't get lost in her pleasure or your pleasure. Get so focused on being this immutable force. And see how that like stay connected to her to you again. It's a lot.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 38:29

It's a

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 38:29

but I think

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 38:30

process but truly, if they are connected to themselves, then it is so much easier to feel the partner.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 38:38

totally, totally. Yeah. Yeah.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 38:41

There's more capacity because it's presence, right? Intimacy is vulnerability, presence, and trust. And if they have this deeper level of trust inside of themselves, then they can be vulnerable in that way of just like,

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 38:53

yeah. Yeah.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 38:54

I'm just here. I'm not performing. I'm not a super star, I'm just here. Right?

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 38:59

Boom. That's it. And the work, capacity is the big word for the masculine. Like, how much can I hold? How much of this can I hold, contain, be with, stay in connection. Don't get too lost in either, either her or myself, but just like, boom, boom. And

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 39:13

what happens? What's the what? Where are we taken to when we have a competency for that depth of presence? Can you put words to what, where? What happens inside of us in those places? What gets revealed when we become better and better at exploring that particular state? It's kind of an elusive answer. So I am, I don't expect anything great. I'm just curious if you have words for it.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 39:52

I expect something. Great.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 39:53

Yeah.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 39:54

Get your performance hat.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 39:55

this

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 39:56

Bring it on.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 39:56

No. I,

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 39:57

it, please. I

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 39:58

think that's why we're all here. I think that's the whole thing that drives this whole thing, and when we are really well fucked, like really well fucked, everything is better, everything is smoother, everything is clearer. We feel alive. Yeah. Eros obviously is like in intimate community

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 40:14

All the little things

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 40:15

don't matter. Yeah, totally. Like Jesus. I mean, think of all the pent up stress that comes from holding all of that in, and suddenly you've got someone you can whether it's yourself and you're breathing, orgasmic energy up through your energy centers and up your spine, or whether it's with another person. Then you're in that deep place of communion. Oh man. Everything changes and shifts from that place. It's the deep, the deepest I think it's what we are all human beings. It's our birthright. Come on.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 40:43

You teach men how to have non ejaculatory orgasms. What is one of the biggest, like what's like the number one tip or the number one thing that you could share with them for men who are like, okay, I've tried it. It's like, it's just not as good. It's not a real orgasm. Like, come on.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 41:05

How do you help the resistance?

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 41:07

What's number one thing you could say to men who are like, that sounds like a good idea, but I'm not sure about that.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 41:14

I want to avoid the jumping into shaming men for releasing the most powerful potent force they'll ever carry in their body. Liquid light. And the inspiration should be what can you create while you're holding onto it?

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 41:33

Mm I love that.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 41:36

Because when you get good at this, you'll be able to be a far more powerful creator. And everyone, will trust you more, by the way.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 41:44

Yeah, there, because I think because all that potential life, like 2 million semen, all that potential life, every time we, you ejaculate as a man you're bringing up into your creative centers in your body, into your Chakras and up through that Sushumna channel, running it into the brain, running it into the adrenals.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 42:03

Totally. Totally.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 42:05

All that creative life force energy gives you so much more power to create from a place of presence, from a place of personal self-acceptance. Like this is just where, who I am, where I'm at on path. This is my journey right now. I'm going to move from this place rather than from where I think I should be. And I wish I was there.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 42:29

Totally, totally. And you guys you guys can tell straight away when you meet a man that's packing his seed and containing himself, right? It's just a different charge. carrying a different.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 42:37

Yeah I just want to just create a distinction, Willow said 200 to 300 million. What she's referring to is 200 to 300 million sperm. Those are living cells with each load. So for those of you who don't know out there just imagine men are built with enough sperm to populate the planet as we know it. And that is fucking worth.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 43:06

A of chi.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 43:07

Awe

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 43:07

So good. And

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 43:09

right?

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 43:10

like, yeah.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 43:11

That

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 43:12

Worship the Yeah man and his potential

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 43:15

Fuck yeah. That's a elixir of life right there. So when he is not squandering it, but leveraging that powerful potential, creative potential to create life. Holy shit. Just like what Alex said, what else can he create?

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 43:35

Yeah, totally. And if you if a man is really fixed on this idea of the Ejaculation, extend your window intolerance from a few weeks to a month or a week to, and if you really want to release. Release like a king, make her beg, make her beg for it. Like it's that whole, that pressure and tension that comes from not instant gratification. Like, have her celebrate it. Have it as a celebration between you both that you can return to sometimes. But learn how to retain it first.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 44:05

I get this question all the time from men, especially single men who say, What do I tell my partner? Because I can't tell you how many times it pisses off a woman that I'm dating and like they don't get it. Like, I don't know how to get her on board. So with me not ejaculating every time, so I have my pet answer, but I'm wondering like, A do you get that question? And then B, what can men do from your perspective, that can help women start being in partnership around her lover mastering this for himself?

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 44:44

Beautiful question because it's very confusing to a lot of women in the beginning. Like, hang on, this is the thing I'm going to be, this is the reward. This is the greatest pleasure I can give you what, hang on.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 44:52

And it's proof that I did a good job because I took the

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 44:55

credit. That I am hot, that I am sexy. Yeah, totally.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 44:58

totally. Performance issues exist everywhere for both sexes in different shapes and forms, so thank you for pointing this out. Again, it's the masculine container. All the men I work with I say it's a slow process of bringing someone on board, as in terms of bringing yourself on board and then having the conversation with her. And when a man can deeply feel into himself and say, Hey baby, this is really important for me. I want your support with this. Let's just go with it. Let's go, let's go slowly with it. You if patterns. It takes time to re remap these patterns because we've lived with them all our lives. It just takes time and patience. And him being the container, hold, putting his hand on a heart and saying, slow down baby. I'm right here with you and I want to stay with you. I want to be with you. Now I don't want to go over the edge because when I go over the edge, that's it. I'm gone. It just takes time.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 45:48

Yeah,

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 45:48

Yeah I think that slowing down and that listening within and yeah, asking your woman for support. I remember the first time I encountered this, I was, I think I was like 19 and I was like, why isn't he coming? Like, I didn't, I started attracting Taoist dudes early on in life.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 46:08

She is a Taoist dude magnet, let me tell you.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 46:12

It's amazing.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 46:13

She's a professional.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 46:14

She must be giving off that yin vibe.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 46:19

I live the Tao, what can I say. So anyway, I just remember I was like so confused. I was 19, I was super young. I hadn't been introduced to this at all, and I just didn't understand, and I totally felt like a failure, even though I was doing a great fucking job. And I, and then I finally, I just asked, I was like, how come you're not having an orgasm? He's like, oh, I'm having orgasm, so I'm just not ejaculating. And he was actually the one who introduced me to the Tao of Sexology, the very first book that, you know, Stephen Chang, which has been my Bible for what, over 20 years now, you know? So it was a great, great book. And I don't even think you can get that book anymore. I think it's out of print now, but

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 47:03

Oh wow. I want, I want a copy of that,

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 47:06

yeah. it's phenomenal book.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 47:07

But that's amazing. 19 encountering these men that are just like, a whole different game. You know what

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 47:16

So what are the other surprising benefits to being a practitioner who's cultivating their sexual energy and relating to their pleasure differently and then utilizing that extra boost of energy in non-sexual ways. Can you describe like other benefits? Like, because I think it's helpful for men to get a male perspective on why, because it seems like at first when you're first practicing, you're giving something up. Not realizing that you're actually, you're going to gain even more. But you got to stay consistent during the learning curve. There's this process where, ah, shit, I ended up ejaculating anyways. I didn't do a technique or breathe or slowed down soon enough. And then the orgasms it's like anti-climatic.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 48:12

Yeah, and sometimes there's shame and guilt when the orgasm then does come and they're like, fuck, I didn't do it again, or whatever.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 48:19

Yeah, yeah,

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 48:20

that sort of like, you don't want orgasm to have that flavor to it all the time either, so.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 48:24

So like how do you sell this shit to men so that they embrace it and they don't give up too soon?

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 48:32

Good question. It's funny, actually, a lot of men I'm encountering now are, they have they're, they've got into their practice and they're like, so, they're so tight about, I've got to last longer that they've taken all of the joy out of it. Too serious. Yeah. because is the masculine, it's like performative, got to get to the finishing line. So I try and remind them to like just relax, if you let one go, no shame. I still let them go occasionally. My It's process.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 49:01

To let them go occasionally, depending on your age, how many times a month, blah, blah, blah.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 49:05

To totally. I try and set them clear, really clear goals of like, if you can go for a few weeks or if you can get to a month, can you infuse a magic ritual into this? Like, can you start using sex magic? What is the vision that you have? What is something you're creating? What is your next big project? That, and infuse all of it into that and giving him small windows where he can celebrate, where he can tune in, where he can practice and breath. And I always, whenever he's had a full body or elements of feeling orgasmic energy move up into his belly, into his heart, and he, they always come back and go, fuck, I didn't have, I had no idea this was going to start happening. And I'm like, yeah, now.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 49:46

Oh yeah.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 49:47

You noticed that there's like a length of time? Is there a general length of time that men start to have that first few experiences of going, oh, orgasm is way more expanded than just my Ejaculation. Like when they start to get that hit that they're getting more, not less, you know? Because I don't often know what to tell a man to expect. I think for my experience has been like sometimes it takes someone a year before they have that embodied knowing. Yes. Sometimes it's three months. I don't know. What's your take?

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 50:23

Well, I, the first full body orgasm in my head was a happy accident. I was with a lover that we just had this incredible connection. But what I realized was, is we had the day before we'd been dancing the whole day, the whole night, we'd built up this charge and then the love making wasn't planned. It was a Sunday day, and it just happened to both of us, to her and to me. And I'd been about a year into my practice. This was about six years ago. There wasn't planned for it. It just happened. So I remind the men I'm with to feel into what, feel into their energy, like their drive, their zeal, where they can also, where they noticed that maybe they've built up for so long that they're getting excessively horny, like they just can't think about anything else. And then maybe it's time. Okay, it's time for a conscious release with your partner or with your self-pleasure practice. And just to begin tracking. Nothing happens. I think nothing really happens in the first three months. Just three. The three is a magic number. It's the triad. But after that three months, if you commit, it's like anything. If you commit to first it's unbearable, then it becomes bearable and it's strangely easy. And then you can't live without it. And I think everyone's window of tolerance for that is different. But three months minimum practicing anything, 30 days minimum.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 51:37

what else is interesting about three months is it takes 90 days for a cell to be born live its life cycle and die. So there's a rebirth that happens every three months. It's like why the trimesters during pregnancy significant.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 51:51

Three months before the embryo is viable. Right?

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 51:55

That's really interesting because the sperm maturation point for if you want to make a baby is three months proper mat, properly mature sperm that's like strong has been swimming around.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 52:04

the See the triad is built into our bodies and our systems and our spiritual and everything.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 52:10

Oh yes.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 52:11

And I love that this also correlates with the containment that and the container and the, that sort of rock steadiness, that grounded energy that men can cultivate that is so magnetic to the feminine. It is so desirable. I think that's a skill that is actually required. You're building that skill up in the practice of learning how to master your release. So, it's like you have to stay present to go, oh, ding, ding, ding. I could come soon. I better slow down. Right? It's like staying awake when the body is starting to take you into overdrive of wanting to kind of take you out of, I call it the white out. It's like when you're getting so close to an orgasm, it kind of whites out. Instead of you blacking out, you're kind of white out, but you're less there. And so, Yeah. I just find that it's wonderful and beautiful and kismit meant that it all sort of weaves together.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 53:12

That's beautiful. Yeah. I love what you're talking about there, about the intensity expansion. That's, again, that's the big part of the men's work is holding intensity, holding onto really intense moments of of feeling, or, it's back to that right of passage thing. Men have to learn how to hold onto large amounts of energy. They have to learn how to stay fairly grounded and present within discomfort. that is what the sexual experience often is uncomfortable, like stuff's coming up. And when a woman's in tears, a lot of the men I work with get really confused about that. I'm like, dude, just don't even, don't say anything. Don't ask a question. Just be with her and just remind her that you're right there with her. Enjoy the tears. The tears that flow from her eyes, and the same tears that flow from, it's the flowing nature of her very being. So enjoy those moments. Don't try and understand it. Just be with it. I think most men get caught on that. They're like, what?

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 54:08

Yeah.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 54:08

They think they have to fix it.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 54:09

something? Does it mean she's unhappy or she's sad.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 54:13

There's a problem that has to be tackled, you know,

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 54:16

There's no problem.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 54:18

Men about their hormones at all? I'm curious.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 54:23

I mean, again, testosterone is the most, it's the driver of men. It's the driver of the masculine. And the thing about retaining and becoming a sexually sovereign king is that your whole hormonal function will change your relationship to dopamine changes. Get off the porn, start enjoying the natural pleasures of life and your whole relationship to your energy changes like the way you release dopamine and the way you cultivate testosterone and testosterone's huge. I think it's demonized because we've seen the kind of shadow of testosterone, like grabby intense. I want it now, going to plow my way through, but it actually has a beautiful side to it. It just needs to be held in proper conduct.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 55:07

You said something earlier that I'd love to circle back to. And it was having to do with like, appreciating their own cock and tuning into their own desires. And there's something that I've noticed is for a lot of men, it's like their energy for feeling like a success. Their energy for eroticism oftentimes feels plugged in to how turned on their partner is. So it's like there's this hard wire that is connected to, I have to see the signs that she is turned on by what I'm doing in order for me to feel my turn on. And what that does for a woman is it feels like I have to perform so that your sexual ego is satisfied. How I show up in my body is either going to make or break you. It becomes a grade. You either, you measure either failing or succeeding by how orgasmic I am. And there are seasons for a woman where she doesn't want to have the pressure of, she wants to just be authentic in her body. And her having an orgasm is often not the most important thing in love making. What she gets out of sex is a lot of range. And when there's so much pressure on you having to look like your orgasmic, like as if that's not for you, it's for him. It takes something out of the joy of sex. So what do you have to say about that and, and what do you say to men about that?

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 56:53

It's a, thanks for mentioning this, because this is huge this transactional nature of sex. It's this goal oriented, performative based. I got to make her have the thing because then I've succeeded and I've done my job and I'm a winner and I'm a king. I'm a, Yeah.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 57:07

Yeah.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 57:08

Ah, and it's huge, right? And it's huge. And she can feel it. Whether it's him trying to make us, forcing her to squirt on the bed and she's like, nah. Or like, Or pounding away, like he's trying to break a brick wall. Like for fuck

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 57:21

Right.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 57:21

sake, slow

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 57:21

down. Jackhammer

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 57:22

Yeah

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 57:23

Yeah.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 57:23

Yeah. because it's all we can talk. But also the more subtle layers of like trying to get her to go somewhere instead of actually reading the song of desire that her body is singing. And I think that's where a man needs to have a really good connection to his inner feminine. That's the attunement piece. An attunement allows us to read what's inside us, but also really read what's inside the other person. So that's emotional work, I think.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 57:46

Yeah. Yeah. And I say this all with like not wanting to shame men for something that they're completely innocent of. Thank you for being turned on by us being turned on. I mean, there's nothing wrong with that desire.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 58:03

A hot turned on woman is just a turn on for most people.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 58:06

Well, it's the most beautiful thing in all creations, so.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 58:09

Yeah. Yeah. So it's like, I think

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 58:11

fact.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 58:13

That gets put into a place where women might hold anger and resentment towards men. And it's one of the ways that we end up sort of passive aggressively shaming and emasculating men is the frustration we feel by not knowing how to actually talk about their discomfort with the pressure that they often feel like in sex. So then they end up just avoiding sex. And so it's important for my heart to say this isn't something that we need to shame anybody for. It's simply conditioning that is wired into our system and no one is misbehaving. Like we're all just innocent as we navigate what's causing us pain when it

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 58:55

a beautiful response. Yeah.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 58:56

lives.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 58:57

Thank you for saying that, by the way. Thank you for like, bringing that out into the open and also reminding us as men that, we're all in this, in, in this together and we all just need better communication skills

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 59:07

Yeah.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 59:08

be able to sort of say, Hey, this is actually what I'm feeling. This is what I need right now. Instead of shutting down and for, and again for both partners to be able to take, not necessarily critique, but to be able to just to hear what's alive in the moment. This is why my couples work. We don't even approach sex usually within the first two months because I just want to help them find out how to talk to each other.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 59:28

Right.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 59:30

Yeah. To communicate.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 59:31

other's languages.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 59:32

Yeah.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 59:33

fun.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 59:34

What do you think, women are doing wrong? Like, what are we doing that's making the issues harder? And then what are we doing right? Like, what are we getting right? And then what do we keep getting wrong? I guess that's how I'd want to phrase it.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 59:50

Again, the most directly related to this point that you've just raised is that the women tend to shut down their true feeling in the moment. They won't speak up. It's again, it's that deep shadow work of understanding like, okay, here's my boundary, here's my need, here's my edge. And between the boundary, the need and the edge is some is it's the true desire. and

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 1:00:15

Nice. Between the boundary, the edge, and the, what was the

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 1:00:18

uh, uh, the, Desire. or need.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 1:00:21

Or need. Yes.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 1:00:23

and she I just tend to notice a lot of the women I work with are not speaking up about their true desire. And that creates that kink or that,not kink that blockage.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 1:00:33

their true desire is?

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 1:00:35

Well, even I sometimes I'm like, I didn't take that opportunity to speak up. I didn't take that opportunity, looking back on yesterday or looking back on last week, like it could be in a sexual moment or it could be like in a, conference room or something where it's like, okay, I didn't speak up in that moment, even though it was just rising up inside of me to come forward. And I'm somebody who has practiced a lot in speaking up and using my voice and breaking down the block that so many of us have here. And so it's so deeply, deeply ingrained in us, and I think we have to give ourselves some slack. Like if we don't speak up, or if we don't ask for what we want in the moment it's part of the journey of breaking through and breaking down that throat chakra block, which opens up the Va J J beautifully by the way.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 1:01:30

Right.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 1:01:30

I think just be gentle with yourself. That's what I.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 1:01:38

Well, thank you for giving us all permission to make this a life project.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 1:01:41

I think for too, like from on my journey, I just didn't know, I didn't have the answer. It was like something was, Covering it up for me, you men would say something like, oh, what's your fantasy? Which later I realized was, oh, what do you like? How can I pleasure you? How can I please you? What turns you on? But they were using the word fantasy and I didn't relate to, I didn't have a visual fantasy. I didn't, wasn't plugged into that. And I think in my social conditioning, it was like, well, you're it's your job to figure it out. I didn't know it was my job to figure it out. So I never knew. I felt like I didn't know what to say because I actually didn't know. It was uninvestigated. What I don't have the map. I wish I did. I'd give it to you, but I don't have one. You didn't get the memo, so I was like so surprised. Like really expect me to know? Because I was raised with this idea that men are the ones who want to do it. So they're the ones who must know and that

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 1:02:49

There's a lot of pressure for men to know how.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 1:02:52

Yeah, yeah, Totally. And again, also, men just haven't been trained to deal with honest feedback in the moment. And I think the women can sense this. Like if I tell him really what's going on, he's just going to lose, it's going to crush him, he's going to collapse.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 1:03:05

Well, and I think there is a delicacy in the moment too, you know, because it can really crush a man's virility in his sense of manhood and his sense of being good in bed if you say something a certain way. So there is this very fine dance between opening your own throat chakra, speaking up in the moment.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 1:03:26

Yeah.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 1:03:26

Not shutting him down.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 1:03:28

Totally. I

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 1:03:29

better to have these conversations outside of the erotic moment, you know?

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 1:03:36

Absolutely like conscious connected conversation. Did relationship check in, what do you want more of? What did you enjoy? I mean, a after sex is a great time to go. What did you enjoy about that and what did you, what do you want more of? How can I serve you more?

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 1:03:48

a great time.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 1:03:48

I think taking it out of the erotic space is really important.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 1:03:51

went well?

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 1:03:53

Your favorite part?

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 1:03:54

So that you're getting positive reinforcement, not just

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 1:03:57

Totally

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 1:03:58

you like or what's frustrating you. or

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 1:04:00

It's like John says, lubricate with praise first, always.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 1:04:03

Lubricate with praise first. I love that. So much fun to connect with you and to meet with you, and we want to have you on the podcast in the future for sure. So, but for now, I know that you have how can our listeners, how can they find you? What gift do you have to offer them? Tell us a little bit more.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 1:04:23

Just to say thank you as well. It's been the one of the juiciest podcasts I've been on so far and the most fun. So thank you very much. You can, people can find me on Instagram@Alex_Mischka or my website www.AlexMischka.com. Reach out to me. I have a special offer on the blueprint package. It's available for like 2k on Jay's website, but through me you can get a 50% discount and some free coaching as well.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 1:04:51

Nice.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 1:04:52

That's very generous.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 1:04:53

Very generous.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 1:04:54

So go check that out and seek the third wheel of Community Brothers.

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 1:05:01

Yeah.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 1:05:02

You are stronger together and there's something really sexy about a man who is connected to good men who lift each other up and have each other's back. And sometimes we need a break. Okay. Let me just tell you, we love being your best friend, but we can't be your only friend.

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 1:05:22

Absolutely. Well said. Sing it sister.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 1:05:25

Yeah. love,

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 1:05:27

Any final parting words of wisdom, Alex, for our audience before we wrap up?

Alex Mischka | SxR Guest Sexpert: 1:05:32

Yeah. Make, make your own erotic nature and your own sexuality a priority in your life.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 1:05:41

Yeah. Claim that. Yes. God, that's hot. Yeah,

Dr. Willow Brown | SxR co-host: 1:05:46

All right everyone, we'll see you on the next one.

Leah Piper | SxR co-host: 1:05:49

Love, love, love.

Announcer: 1:05:50

Now, our favorite part, the dish.

Leah: 1:05:54

Well, let's dish

Willow: 1:05:57

On

Leah: 1:05:58

Hello! I could have a couple more spoonfuls of

Willow: 1:06:01

I know, so delicious, so

Leah: 1:06:03

He is, yeah. That was real

Willow: 1:06:06

Sexy little accent. Yeah, I know, just what a fun, rich conversation. So much spaciousness and ease within it. He holds a good container, doesn't he?

Leah: 1:06:19

And it's interesting how, you know, um, We, just for our audience to know, we've, it was, we've interviewed Om for a second time and then Alex right after, and you're both saying almost the same thing in different ways. Um, and. And I can, I viscerally can feel the response of attraction, of opening, of centering. It's like these two, these things are happening. One is like, I feel more grounded and centered, but I feel more open and free. Like you can feel the embodied reaction to a nervous system. Talking to, um, individuals who really cultivate this self awareness and like a self mastery to really want to have experiences with the feminine that are deeper, juicier, Fuller, enlivening, like there's all these things happen within that and I, I'm so curious if you're a man who just listened to Alex, I would love your honest feedback. Was there anything compelling for you? Does, does, are you feel inspired? Or did you have a different reaction? You know, I want to know both, whether it was positive or negative, because I don't, I know my physical reaction, you know, but sometimes I wonder what are men really thinking? Because in our classes, like some men, they'll come back to a future course, and they're like, I thought that was all bullshit. Charles was saying this and the other thing, and I kept on saying, bullshit, bullshit, this is God, this isn't real. And then something happens, surprising, and then they start to get it. But some people will end up keeping the, this is bullshit, and that's perfectly okay. I don't have an agenda, but I don't know, I'm just curious. What do you think Willow?

Willow: 1:08:21

I mean, it's, you know, I think every individual, I think anyone who's calling bullshit on anything, there's a resistance to learning. And I have been there. I have certainly been there myself where I'm like, I already know and I don't need to learn and I've totally blocked

Leah: 1:08:36

I'm good.

Willow: 1:08:37

yeah, from, from learning. Expanding and evolving. So I think coming back to curiosity, and even if you are in that place of like, this is bullshit, you know, getting curious about that. Why do you think that?

Leah: 1:08:49

right, because that's a reaction, right? That's had some charge to

Willow: 1:08:51

yeah, and, and maybe it, maybe it truly is. Maybe if you dig a little bit deeper and you get curious about that belief that maybe that you truly do think that, and okay, then, then that's that. That's fine. But I think that, um, You know, we all as individuals have the opportunity to either block ourselves from expanding, learning more, or to open ourselves to expanding and learning more. And, and it is very dependent on the delivery, you know, like I got a little bit shut down when we were talking at Om, I'm going to say, and, but by the end I was, I was able to break through that shutdown and really sit with it and go through it to the point where I could then be like, Okay, yeah, I can see where I have, you know, run that, that old story, that old paradigm and that old wounding that is collective. It's not even just mine personally, but it's from the, the collective, you know, patriarchy

Leah: 1:09:48

They are the collective story, right, that we make up that may not be true about each

Willow: 1:09:55

care of a man's heart was so interesting because that was just yesterday. And then, you know, my man came over and the first thing I asked him, I was like, how's your heart today? You know, cause I know he struggles with some other stuff in his life. And it was so sweet. I mean, he just melted. He just melted with that one simple question. He was like, Oh, thank you. You know, that's so sweet. So I think, you know, what Alex was really giving us and, and guiding us toward and in is this like how to support a man in becoming his authentic, virile, manly self. And

Leah: 1:10:34

And, and giving permission to own your desire, explore your desire. You know, like there's, I think we've really done a number on men regarding their desire. And really, yeah, making them wrong, making them dangerous, you know, we, um, not trustworthy. I mean, I, I've, I have had so much conditioning around my own judgments with men that is got a story about that. And It's so important that we, that we question those stories and beliefs and that we choose to see each other with a new lens like that, you know, like that heart piece, even just with that first like opening question, right? Because I've heard it said before, ah, that's bullshit.

Willow: 1:11:26

Mm hmm.

Leah: 1:11:27

What's not bullshit is that men really do are very much invested. And wanting their lover to be happy and satisfied and fulfilled. Like that is such an, a natural, normal instinct that is a huge driver.

Willow: 1:11:46

Yeah.

Leah: 1:11:47

And, and I think even in my own experience, there've been times that I somehow either dismiss that or minimize it

Willow: 1:11:56

Mm hmm.

Leah: 1:11:57

believe something that it apposes it. And I think that was part of what OM was, you know, tracking is when we're not actually believing that that is the heart of, of men is they want that

Willow: 1:12:13

They want to provide.

Leah: 1:12:14

trying, you know, Yeah, and to assume that they wouldn't care is just not the truth.

Willow: 1:12:20

so not true. Yeah. I think, I think both of these conversations have really, um, opened up a whole new perspective on just how to be with men. You know, Alison is really the queen of like, you know, teaching this, like how to celebrate men, how to praise men. Yeah. How to really, um, Be in relationship with men. And one of the things that she's always touting, which I wanted to bring up in our conversation with Alex, but I just didn't get around to it is, um, the, the books by Luanne Bresendien called the male brain and the female brain. You probably heard me talk about them before, but if you have not fucking read the male brain, get it on audible today and start listening. It is fascinating and you will learn so much. so much about whether you're a male or a female, it doesn't matter, especially if you have sons, it's so crucial to know this information and to really understand the way that the amygdala relates to the corpus callosum, to the, you know, all these different areas of the brain. And the way that the hormones run through the brain chemistry as well as just couldn't be more different. Those two books will enlighten you hugely to how to be with the opposite sex in any intimate relationship because we have intimate relationships with our kids, with our parents, with our brothers and our sisters, with our close, close friends and with our lovers. And so there's different ways of connecting, being intimate and having knowledge and having understanding of how people's brains function is crucial. It's so funny. The things that we love about men are the same reasons like testosterone is the same foundation is the same thing we hate about men. I had that realization one day with my ex I was sitting in the car. I'm like, God, he's driving me crazy. He's this and that. And then I was like, but God, I love all these things about him. I'm like, Oh, testosterone is at the root of all that shit. You know? Yeah.

Leah: 1:14:18

another great brain that talks, um, book that talks about the chemistry of falling in love. It's called Sex on the Brain,

Willow: 1:14:27

I want to read

Leah: 1:14:28

Amen. And that's another great book of just going, Oh my God. God, there's, uh, there's, uh, there's an answer to the madness, you know, like, no wonder this is my favorite cocktail.

Willow: 1:14:38

totally.

Leah: 1:14:40

look at, look at what's in there. I mean, it's better than any drug you could possibly imagine. All this incredible brain chemistry that happens when we got the ulalas and then how to re

Willow: 1:14:50

dopamine. Yum,

Leah: 1:14:52

once we love someone, you know, there's a comfort that happens and, and that cocktail, it's like, who left out the alcohol? You know, like, this just tastes like juice. I don't get high at all. You know, it's like, how do I get high again? You know?

Willow: 1:15:10

was

Leah: 1:15:11

So, so interesting. I really loved, um, I really loved this piece around men having community and seeking that. And if you don't, if you can't find it, create it. Um, and, and, and the piece about, you know, integrity, I thought it was hilarious. I mean, he lives on this awesome party island and there's too many women and, you know, here's this men's group that's helping each other stay in integrity about that. And it's just such a mind bender because I don't think that that is something That a lot of women are familiar with, of having like so much available sex with so many incredible hot guys that you have to question your own integrity. And how am I showing up and how am I following up and how am

Willow: 1:16:00

The only place I've really seen that is at Burning Man, you know,

Leah: 1:16:03

Right,

Willow: 1:16:03

oh yeah, you can have as many of these hot guys

Leah: 1:16:05

I mean, I would like to maybe have some more experiences like that, in all honesty. It just, it just doesn't seem like something that a lot of women have to grapple with. But how interesting that I think during different periods of a man's life, that is something that, um, If he was self reflective enough to look at the times when, yeah, that was hot, that was fun, but why don't I feel super good? You know, like, what's the pit in my stomach?

Willow: 1:16:33

Mm hmm.

Leah: 1:16:34

something isn't congruent. With me feeling awesome in this moment, right? Like those times when, and I've certainly had those times of, you know, too much casual sex in a period of my life of just going

Willow: 1:16:47

Yeah, it starts to feel

Leah: 1:16:48

Yeah, I started to feel like a little regretful and gross.

Willow: 1:16:52

Yeah. Totally.

Leah: 1:16:53

So interesting. And then there's that shame piece. Um, yeah, I just love talking to an embodied man. It's, um, so, so, so, so, so.

Willow: 1:17:05

so, so, so fulfilling and satisfying and delicious and delightful. So y'all, thanks for tuning in with us

Leah: 1:17:13

Yes, so send us a little dish on what you thought of this episode. And uh, we love ya. Go ahead and give us that rating and that testimonial,

Willow: 1:17:25

that review.

Leah: 1:17:26

Don't you, if you love the show, don't you want others to experience too? Funny that your testimonial is gonna be the key that makes that happen. So with that, have an awesome day. Love, love, love.

Announcer: 1:17:38

Thanks for tuning in. This episode was hosted by Tantric Sex Master Coach and Positive Psychology Facilitator, Leah Piper, as well as by Chinese and Functional Medicine Doctor and Taoist Sexology Teacher, Dr. Willow Brown. Don't forget, your comments, likes, subscribes, and suggestions matter. Let's realize this new world together.