In our final episode of Season 4, Valerie Brown, an author, Buddhist-Quaker Dharma teacher, and executive coach, discusses yielding to the realignment of grief, the relationship between self care and social justice, and how Quaker communities are being called to transformation in our current political moment.
Valerie Brown is an author, Buddhist-Quaker Dharma teacher in the lineage of Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh and the Plum Village tradition, Courage & Renewal facilitator, and executive coach specializing in leadership development and mindfulness practices with a focus on diversity, social equity, and inclusion. A former lawyer and lobbyist, Valerie transformed her high-pressure, twenty-year career into serving leaders and nonprofits to create trustworthy, authentic, compassionate, and connected workspaces. Valerie’s unique and extensive training blends social justice, evidenced-based mindfulness practices, leadership development, and spiritual growth.
Of Afro-Cuban descent, Valerie is a member of the Religious Society of Friends (Quakers) and lives and tends a lively perennial home garden in New Hope, PA.
To learn more about Valerie's work, visit https://valeriebrown.us/
Order and read more about Valerie's newest book, Healing Our Way Home, here: https://pendlehill.org/product/healing-our-way-home-black-buddhist-teachings-on-ancestors-joy-and-liberation/
The transcript for this episode is available on https://pendlehillseed.buzzsprout.com/
----
The Seed is a project of Pendle Hill, a Quaker center, open to all, for Spirit-led learning, retreat, and community. We’re located in Wallingford, Pennsylvania, on the traditional territory of the Lenni-Lenape people.
Follow us @pendlehillseed on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter, and subscribe to The Seed wherever you get your podcasts to get episodes in your library as they're released. To learn more, visit pendlehill.org/podcast.
This project is made possible by the generous support of the Thomas H. & Mary Williams Shoemaker Fund.
Valerie Brown 0:06
Tenderness and gentleness and open heartedness. That as self care, that as self stewardship, the outer work of social justice and equity follow from the development of that inner work.
Dwight Dunston 0:29
You're listening to The Seed: Conversations for Radical Hope, a Pendle Hill podcast where Quakers and other seekers come together to explore visions of the world that is growing up through the cracks of our broken systems. I'm your host, Dwight Dunston. This season, we're exploring what spiritual alignment means in this moment of escalating social and political upheaval and violence. How do we cultivate discernment to stay the course and stay connected to our leadings? How are we being called to transform ourselves and our communities to break down systems of oppression and embody new ways of being? Our guest today is Valerie Brown. Valerie is an author, Buddhist-Quaker Dharma teacher, facilitator and executive coach specializing in leadership development and mindfulness practices with a focus on diversity, social equity and inclusion. A former lawyer and lobbyist, Valerie transformed her high pressure 20 year career into serving leaders and nonprofits to create trustworthy, authentic, compassionate and connected workspaces. Her most recent book is Healing Our Way Home: Black Buddhist Teachings on Ancestors, Joy, and Liberation, with Marisela Gomez and Kaira Jewel Lingo.
Dwight Dunston 1:52
Welcome, Valerie Brown, to The Seed: Conversations for Radical Hope. I'm excited about what will unfold in our time together here. Always when we're in space, Spirit moves, so just want to start out by saying thank you for joining us.
Valerie Brown 2:10
You're so welcome. It's a delight to be here.
Dwight Dunston 2:13
The place that we love to start with our guests, invite you into the the question of just landing here and just sharing with us, what's it like being Valerie Brown today? What's it like being you?
Valerie Brown 2:25
Wow, thank you. That's a really powerful question for me. At meeting for worship today online at Pendle Hill, as I was preparing before and after, I started kind of thinking back a kind of Rolodex of my mind, thinking back over the years and most immediately. And in full transparency, I have been through the last four or five years, certainly a period of a lot of grief, a lot of loss. I'm very aware that I'm not the only one, that we've been through a pandemic and that many, many people have experienced grief and continue to this day, as I think about the tragedies that are going on, right this moment in the people who are suffering. I'm aware that my grief and the loss and the deaths that I've experienced, connect me with many other people. And on a personal level, all of this grief really rearranged me and rearranged my way of thinking in my training, my background, from years ago was as a lawyer and a lobbyist. And so I had very much of this Type A get-it-done mindset. And I brought that mindset into my life and my work. Quite unyielding, quite determined. A lot of that was kind of social conditioning too. And I brought that get-it-done attitude into the grief. Like people are depending on you, buckle up. Of course grief is not like that. One of the things that I have been learning is yielding, yielding to the movement of grief, allowing it to rearrange me in a way that I don't know and can't know. And really being with the, the sole nature of it, the mystery of it. There's really no words. I've written about it in my book, Hope Leans Forward, but I feel like it had its way with me. And I'm emerging from that into something else that's yet to be defined.
Dwight Dunston 4:55
Just breathing that in, noticing even as you began to talk about your own process and relationship to your grief, felt both myself get emotional get tearful, and also this thread of connection, this tendon begin to strengthen between us. I often think about how Ross Gay talks about grief as maybe that's the thing that both that joy comes from being able to touch into that grief. And also, maybe that's the thing that really connects us to one another. This word "rearranging" that's used, I'm curious how you've oriented to or maybe lessons that have come to you from the need to rearrange due to the grief that you've experienced, or due to feeling into the collective grief?
Valerie Brown 5:42
Yeah, that's a really important question and one that I've been wrestling with, as I went through some of my processes with the death of my brothers, the end of a marriage and so forth, I really wanted to hold on. I feel like "Can't you just hold on? Can't this just be? At some point, I came to what Kubler-Ross and many other talk about, the acceptance of this is the way it is, this is it. And so the trying to rearrange the situation to make it work, actually, we're talking about control, to be completely honest and crass. That control was not going to work. What I realized was that what was needed was actually the opposite of that in some ways, which was yielding and maybe even a surrender. In the acceptance, the yielding, the surrender, there was a rearranging in my own body, and in my mind, in my heart, a kind of tenderness and gentleness arose organically, I didn't set out for that. I think it happened over time in its own way. That it was not anticipated. I didn't grow up with a lot of tenderness and gentleness and stuff like that. I mean, I grew up in Brooklyn, and lived there a good portion of my life, hard as nails Type A lawyer. So this way of being was a becoming. None of this has a timeline on it. And one of the things that I've realized not just with grief, but interestingly enough, with the nature of insight is that the wanting to have this figured out. One of the things that I offer a lot to the Quaker community and other communities, particularly as a Dharma teacher, in the Plum Village tradition is, you know, people understandably want to figure stuff out, the insight, you know, "Tell me how this is supposed to work." And I can understand that. Yeah, there feels like it's part of a whole spiritual consumerism, that we absorb, a kind of acquisitional nature to it, kind of commodification of being a spiritual person. I need to get insight, get this and do this right. And I had this huge epiphany last year, because a friend of mine sent me a poem attributed to Hafiz, it, maybe it was Rumi, this poem blew me away because the poem said something like, "What if what you want," and fill in the blank with what you want, more solidity, more clarity, more insight, "What if what you want actually wants you, has been looking for you? What if that were the case?" And that for me felt radical. Radical and obvious at the same time, because for myself, and so many people that I encounter, are searching and looking. If I just do this, and I get this next thing and I'm da da aa da, I will be in that place. And what if whatever it is we actually want, wants us back? Has matter of fact been knocking on our door and waiting, arms open, and that we already have it? I've been really sitting with that. What that has resulted in is in a kind of yielding to the grief, to the rearrangement of all of this, to the not knowing.
Dwight Dunston 9:58
Yeah, there's so much wisdom in all of what you're sharing. I hear it in being a journey for you to come to the understandings, right? It wasn't something that happened over overnight, as you shared, it's not on a timeline, but it's continuing to unfold. And I'm curious about the lessons of yielding of surrender that you perhaps learned in community or the ecosystems that you're a part of? Even this friend sending you a poem that was transformational, that was illuminating. That experience coming from outside you coming from a member of the community helping you on your, your journey.
Valerie Brown 10:38
So there's two things that come to mind. One is immediate, and the other is kind of lifelong. So the first immediate thing really came yesterday.
Dwight Dunston 10:48
Fresh!
Valerie Brown 10:50
Zoom all day with a group of 20, black federal national public administrators. These are amazing people that do public service work. So they work with large and small communities around the United States serving low income people, often who are unhoused, who have food insecurity. And so I was working with the administrators. And understandably, these people are on burnout, because of the weight that they are carrying. So our entire day yesterday was on mindful leadership. Every one of these high achieving leaders were extremely hard on themselves. They felt they were not doing enough and needed to do more. And this, of course, can be driven by the enormous urgency and the need that's out there. And we spent most of the day, a good part of the day talking about our ancestry. And what was so interesting was how hearing so many people talk about the sense of urgency that they inherited from their ancestors to do better to do good. And so this kind of intergenerational urgency that becomes a real strong inner critic, that is really the opposite of yielding; it is driving. That combined with the grind culture that we live in today that I was very much a part of, it's toxic stew. As I look out the window, and I see the snow falling gently, that's like a wake up call. That is a way to remember how to yield. That is specific instruction for my body and my mind, how to be in the world. I think if we're attentive, we can unlearn some of this that's happened to us. So that's one immediate thing that I learned yesterday about how we get caught up in this unyielding pursuit. The whole day yesterday was spent on learning that, like how to breathe, how to eat, how to walk, how to talk, you know, without the sense of, I gotta get something and get somewhere. And then, of course, the other way that I have found to be so powerful. Many people know that I offer a pilgrimage on El Camino de Santiago in Spain. And I've been offering this for many years. And so it's really becoming a pilgrim. A pilgrim's mind and a pilgrim's heart. How to reclaim this lost art of pilgrimage. And by that, I mean, how to be with what we don't know. We don't know what's around the corner. How to be with the uncertainty and sometimes volatility of the weather, of other people. That by its nature is going to call on us to yield. By its nature, it's going to call on us to maybe go inward and notice, pay attention to what's happening. The nature of being a pilgrim is the nature of uncertainty and ambiguity and wonder, to cultivate a kind of wonder.
Dwight Dunston 14:34
You know, I just feel myself buzzing at what you shared and, I mean the word wonder, my eyes and my heart automatically just get bigger. As a young person that was, it's readily accessible to think about some moments of wonder that I've had and as an adult artists that's been a practice of mine to cultivate that spontaneity and wonder in different creative experiences. And right, in stepping into that, that uncertainty and ambiguity. I want to bring this thread, you've mentioned it, but I want to bring it to the forefront of our conversation, the connection between Buddhism and Quakerism. And you've written on this. And I'm just curious as you look out into the to the world today and think about what you're being called to be faithful to and in your life, in this time, curious how Buddhism and Quakerism are speaking to you.
Valerie Brown 15:33
I see a deep interconnection between Buddhism and Quakerism. One of the things that I've been incredibly grateful for in being a Buddhist having studied with Thich Naht Hanh and the community and now being a Dharma teacher, is the importance of community. You know, one of the things Thich Naht Hanh, or Thai has said over and over to us is the next Buddha to come will be the Sangha. And how incredibly important it is that as one person, we can only do but so much, but as a community, we can make so many changes. That is one major thing that I've really tried to embody in my life is is community. Speaking of community, of course, Pendle Hill as a community. As I said, I started my day today online with community. And it's a really a reclamation of community, it calls on us and for many of us to move outside of our comfort zone, to find community that is grounded. The other thing that is really important from both the Quaker and the Buddhist perspective is the importance of the inner work as self care. We're fed a lot about self care. Much of this is, to me, fake. I have nothing against a bubble bath and a mani-pedi. I think that's all super. But that's not the same as inner work, as self care. By that I mean being in right relationship with ourselves. One of the things that I so admire about my time with Parker Palmer, and studying with him and mentoring with him is his emphasis on the development of the inner life. Our sense of solidity and clarity and compassion and groundedness and kindness, not perfection, and really prioritizing really developing these inner qualities of tenderness and gentleness and open heartedness, that as self care that as self stewardship, that as self love. And then the outer work of social justice and equity follow from the development of of the inner work. For us as Quakers, this is very, very important. And of course, Thai, Thich Naht Hanh has often talked about social engagement, and engaged Buddhism, that we don't just sit in a cave in the Himalayas meditating, and not that there is anything wrong with that, but that we bring out we live out our life as our message. As Quakers we say, "let our life speak." The way we speak, the way we walk. Merton one of the greatest compliments, one of the greatest things, the Thomas Merton said of Thich Naht Hanh was that he could tell by the way that Thich Naht Hanh opened the door, that he was a spiritual person.
Dwight Dunston 18:51
This idea of the Sangha, and this idea of the the meeting house, and there's so many conversations in Quaker spaces that are around the evolution of Quakerism. What are the pieces of Quakerism that are at the core, foundational? What are some pieces that we may need to transform and evolve in order to meet the times to respond to the time? From my limited knowledge, I know that engaged Buddhism, there have been ways that it has evolved to be responsive to the times in particular ways. Thinking about the impacts of racism and other forms of oppression, need to be interrogated and uprooted to make spaces more inclusive. Religion spiritualities have gone through different kinds of transformations that respond to what's going on in the wider, specifically in America, American culture, right? There's been reckonings across different justice movements and intertwined justice movements too. As you see Quakerism continue to evolve and grow, are there any parts of Quakerism that you feel like are at a important nexus of transformation? Or that you're excited about the continual revelation around a specific aspect of of Quakerism, Quaker faith?
Valerie Brown 20:18
I wrote down the words "rise up." That's the Brooklyn in me coming out.
Dwight Dunston 20:23
Come on now, bring it on! Let's hear it, let us hear it!
Valerie Brown 20:29
Yeah, rise up! You know, Sam Cooke "change gonna come." There's a rising up that sorely is needed. The world is transforming around us. And the question is whether we as Quakers will also be transformed. How will we transform? Because it's already happening around us. We know the demographics, we know the country, the United States is more brown, more black. We know that the distri--the socio economic distribution, the disparities, that this is becoming wider and wider. We need to consider particularly meeting houses as places of not only silent worship, but action to address some of these disparities that exist. And I know that there are many meetings that do this and do this very, very well. And yet, there are many meetings that are holding on to a very individualistic way of looking and experiencing the movement of God in our lives. We're being surrounded by the forces of change. As we head into an election in the United States where the stakes are incredibly high, we as a Quaker community really need to rise up. Really consider who are we what are we? Quakers know how to do this. And we can do this, we can speak truth, we can do this. And I think that is one of the things that we're being called on to do. And one of the core things about Quakerism. And one of the things that people invariably say when I mentioned anything about being Quaker is how much respect and admiration people have for the sense of social equity that Quakers have historically represented. This is a very important turning point that we have as Quakers and that we really need to reclaim.
Dwight Dunston 22:47
And we're nearing the end of our time together. So I would love to, as we move to close, make space for any last things you want to share, practices that you'd like to offer our listeners as they feel into what rising up means for them or their community.
Valerie Brown 23:05
Thank you for that. First and foremost, and something that I'm really on a journey right now on is really reconnecting with myself and accepting myself as I actually am, good, bad, in between as a practice. So the practice I would offer is the practice that Thich Naht Hanh has taught us over many years as his students, and that is the four mantras. These mantras are a way of developing self stewardship, self love, self advocacy, and in a very deep way. And so this is a practice. It's not like mindlessly saying, "I love you" to yourself and not believing it, but really, on a cellular level, really absorbing this. And so he often says begin by placing your maybe your hand on your heart, there's a lot of research that says that just that activates parasympathetic response in the body. The first of the four mantras is powerful for me. The mantra is, darling, I am there for you. And really breathing into those words. Darling, I'm there for you. That has been incredibly healing for me to recognize that I can provide for myself healing and I can offer that to myself. I can receive that and then share that with other people. It's an antidote, in many ways to that inner critic that's so harsh. It's the foundation for doing good in the world. It comes from that inner sense of right relationship with ourselves. I would offer that mantra: "Darling, I'm there for you."
Dwight Dunston 25:03
Thank you so much, Valerie for bringing that that mantra forward. Thank you to Thai Thich Naht Hanh for bringing that to you and just so much gratitude for our conversation today. I feel equal parts so settled and rested and also ignited. I can't thank you enough for just all that you've brought brought to our time together today. So just thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Valerie Brown 25:31
So grateful to you, to the community. And thank you for creating and supporting this platform.
Dwight Dunston 25:38
It's an honor.
Dwight Dunston 26:05
The Seed is a project of Pendle Hill, a Quaker center open to all for spirit led learning, retreat and community. We're located in Wallingford, Pennsylvania, on the traditional territory of the Lenni Lenape people. Many of our guests are teachers, leaders and speakers at Pendle Hill, and we host retreats workshops and lectures all year round. For a full list of these upcoming education opportunities, visit PendleHill.org/Learn. To learn more about Valerie's work, visit her website at ValerieBrown.us. This episode was produced and edited by Anna hill with consulting from Peterson Toscano. Our theme music is the I Rise project by Reverend Rhetta Morgan and Bennett Kuhn produced by Astronautical Records. This project was made possible by the generous support of the Thomas H and Mary Williams Shoemaker Fund. You can stay in touch by following us @PendleHillSeed on all social media platforms or by emailing Podcast@PendleHill.org. If you're finding these conversations meaningful, you can support our work financially by heading over to PendleHill.org/Donate. And please subscribe, rate, and review us wherever you get your podcasts. These seeds could not be planted without you.
