Unlock the secrets to a stronger, more fulfilling partnership with the wisdom of relationship coach Vasilis Kleideris. Our enlightening conversation traverses the landscape of love, communication, and connection, where Vasilis, transitioning from a corporate to a coaching role, offers a unique lens on the challenges modern couples face. From the dance of dialogue to the subtle art of vulnerability, discover how to foster an environment where truth thrives and relationships flourish.
Trust is the foundation of any strong relationship, yet it's often as fragile as it is crucial. Vasilis guides us through the intricate process of rebuilding trust after it's been compromised, emphasizing empathy and the transformative power of truly understanding your partner. We discuss techniques to bridge gaps in communication, and how turning to relationship experts can fast-track the path to healing and deeper intimacy. The takeaway? It's never a one-person effort; restoring trust is a journey best undertaken hand in hand.
Dive into the complex world of triggers and attachment styles that shape our interactions within intimate relationships. With Vasili's expertise, we learn to navigate these often-turbulent waters, recognising how our attachment patterns influence conflicts and connection. Success stories add hope to iur discussion, exemplifying the life-enhancing results of dedication and professional intervention.
As we evolve as individuals, so must our relationships; this episode is a heartfelt reminder that the work we put into love can yield the most extraordinary rewards.
midweekinsights@gmail.com
Subscribe for all the new episodes!
https://www.instagram.com/midweekinsights/?
The information provided in Midweek Insights is for general informational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended as professional advice. Listeners should seek professional advice relevant to their specific circumstances before making any decisions.
While we strive to provide accurate and up-to-date information, the dynamic nature of certain topics may result in changes or updates. Midweek Insights does not guarantee the accuracy, completeness, or suitability of information discussed in the episodes.
Guests on Midweek Insights express their own opinions, which may not necessarily align with the views of the host. We encourage listeners to form their own opinions based on additional research and diverse perspectives.
Unlock the secrets to a stronger, more fulfilling partnership with the wisdom of relationship coach Vasilis Kleideris. Our enlightening conversation traverses the landscape of love, communication, and connection, where Vasilis, transitioning from a corporate to a coaching role, offers a unique lens on the challenges modern couples face. From the dance of dialogue to the subtle art of vulnerability, discover how to foster an environment where truth thrives and relationships flourish.
Trust is the foundation of any strong relationship, yet it's often as fragile as it is crucial. Vasilis guides us through the intricate process of rebuilding trust after it's been compromised, emphasizing empathy and the transformative power of truly understanding your partner. We discuss techniques to bridge gaps in communication, and how turning to relationship experts can fast-track the path to healing and deeper intimacy. The takeaway? It's never a one-person effort; restoring trust is a journey best undertaken hand in hand.
Dive into the complex world of triggers and attachment styles that shape our interactions within intimate relationships. With Vasili's expertise, we learn to navigate these often-turbulent waters, recognising how our attachment patterns influence conflicts and connection. Success stories add hope to iur discussion, exemplifying the life-enhancing results of dedication and professional intervention.
As we evolve as individuals, so must our relationships; this episode is a heartfelt reminder that the work we put into love can yield the most extraordinary rewards.
midweekinsights@gmail.com
Subscribe for all the new episodes!
https://www.instagram.com/midweekinsights/?
The information provided in Midweek Insights is for general informational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended as professional advice. Listeners should seek professional advice relevant to their specific circumstances before making any decisions.
While we strive to provide accurate and up-to-date information, the dynamic nature of certain topics may result in changes or updates. Midweek Insights does not guarantee the accuracy, completeness, or suitability of information discussed in the episodes.
Guests on Midweek Insights express their own opinions, which may not necessarily align with the views of the host. We encourage listeners to form their own opinions based on additional research and diverse perspectives.
I'd love to welcome to today's episode of Midweek Insights a relationship coach, Vasili Sclitteris. Like from the word key right, the key to your relationships. He's a relationship coach who helps couples overcome challenges that they may be facing in their relationship or challenges that have to do with romance. His goal is to help couples restore harmony, and he also helps people who are healing from past relationships by giving them some tools to work on themselves in order to better prepare for the next relationships to come in the future. So thank you for being here. I'm really looking forward to today's conversation and learning more about your work, and especially to learn about how we can strengthen our own relationships and also to improve our relationships, even if they're good. I think we can always progress in this area and show up better Absolutely.
Speaker 2:Thank you for the very nice introduction and putting up this episode better myself. Yes, I'd like to start by saying that we keep listening today, but the main problem with relationships, and why they fail, or why they continue but feel like failing, is communication between couples, and I believe that this is true. Yes, we have lost our way on how to communicate properly with each other, and this is not only about romantic relationships. I believe that this is. It applies to all our relationships, but specifically with romantic relationships, where does that start?
Speaker 2:There is something before that we can communicate properly because we're not connected to each other anymore. In order to be able to communicate, you need to be truthful, you need to be vulnerable and you need to be aligned with the common goals in a relationship. If you're not connected with each other emotionally, spiritually, physically then how is communication going to be? How is it going to work? It cannot work on the level required on the relationship to be well. So I believe that this is from where it starts. This is what I have found out that the connection in a modern relationship is the most important thing these days.
Speaker 1:And you said okay you've picked you.
Speaker 1:You've said a lot of words that I definitely want to touch on today, so you spoke about being truthful, about vulnerable, about having aligned goals and communication, all of which I want to follow through with you in the conversation, so I'm really glad you brought those up. We're aligned in the way we're moving today, and I just wanted to start a little backtrack to what helped you begin this journey. So what led you to become a relationship coach? So a little bit of the story behind what inspired you to do what you do today.
Speaker 2:Well, I have not been doing this all my life. I'm actually I'm doing this only for the last three years. I decided to. I started very late. My background is completely something different. I have a background in business. I owned businesses. I worked in businesses and at some point I quit. Let's say, I was tired. I quit at the end. I didn't want to do it anymore and I was looking for something new to do. Well, for a while I actually thought I would not do nothing and enjoy life. It lasted for about six months.
Speaker 2:And then I started going crazy without having anything to do.
Speaker 2:So I thought okay, I have to find to do something, and I had the luxury of choosing to do what I really will enjoy. And one thing that always fascinated me was relationships, traumatic relationships. I had a lot of experience in that area and I also had a lot of experience of analyzing the way we behave in our romantic relationships. So I thought that this is something that will fulfill me as a job by doing it, and it's something that I can do very well, very well, I wouldn't bother with it. Yeah, the use yes, so I got. You know, I got busy with deciding to study all over again. Yes, at a later stage in life I completed the studies and then I started working as a relationship coach.
Speaker 1:Good, I want to ask you there so you did all these studies when you started studying about it, like you might have this idea before you start, right? So when you started to study, what was the biggest surprise or idea of your own that you challenged, that you had learned and that you thought, hmm, this is different to what I first believed about relationships.
Speaker 2:The biggest challenge. It's something so simple, really, that you know to make relationships work is not rocket science. It's something you know, it's easy, anybody can do it. It's very simple steps and it's a very simple solutions why we cannot do it. What lies behind it? What lies behind it? What lies our? You know our own personal backgrounds, our, our upbringings, our childhoods, the way we were raised in our families all these things that form who we are, and we bring it into our romantic relationships.
Speaker 1:Correct.
Speaker 2:And each person brings their own, and it's also sometimes something completely different. And these are the obstacles, let's say, of making it actually work very easy, because it's not easy, especially in today's relationships, in modern relationships, I will. I have to say it. It's very difficult to make it work. It takes the texture of work and effort and a lot of other things.
Speaker 1:Why more in modern relationships than in the past? Like what is added to today, that is making it even more challenging.
Speaker 2:Yes, I, I, I separate them. You know we are living in a different world. Romantic relationships have gone through enormous changes compared today, from 30 years ago, 40, 50 years ago. They have gone through enormous changes and this is the part in human relationships the romantic relationships are the ones that have gone the biggest changes.
Speaker 1:So what biggest changes have you seen?
Speaker 2:Well, marriage is not what it used to be. Marriage used to be more of, let's say, a partnership, an economic partnership. It used to be the part you know couples used to marry because of joining finances. They wouldn't even pick each other. They would, you know, the bride and groom would be picked for them, somebody would, their families would choose them and they would get together to survive, let's say, and prosper, but with specific roles. The man is the-.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the breadwinner. Yes, very, very, very yes.
Speaker 2:The financials will work to bring you know, put food on the table. The wife is at home to take care of the house, to raise the kids, and they have their specific roles. I will not even go into the Quality and the privileges and all these things that we know they were all in men's favor. Mm-hmm thousands of years.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there's no getting to that. Yeah, yeah, we don't have to go there.
Speaker 2:All these have changed, you know, since the 50s and 60s, with the rise of feminism, with the rise of, you know, of women's rights, of women Wanting, trying and deserving to be equal to men and also take a lot of their roles that only men had before, for themselves and in the family. All these have changed our relationships.
Speaker 2:Yeah it has it made it easier to live a relationship, to leave all the, you know, the Plus, the, the sexual revolution from the 60s, the 70s that has led up to today's, let's say, hook up culture. They call it so. All these things, they have given us a lot of freedom which we didn't have before, a lot of Choices which we didn't have before, a lot of autonomy, a lot of independence.
Speaker 1:They're all great.
Speaker 2:They're all great things, yes, but I'm not trying to say that Before it was better, and today's worse. Yeah, you know, when it comes to relationships I'm not trying to say that because it's only a philosophical point at the end of the day, the what matters is the reality that we have.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:It's the reality we have and we have to adjust, and the only is that, yes, relationships have changed. We cannot follow the manuals that our parents had and our parents had according to our romantic relationships. We have to make up new ones. I come to the conclusion that Not only me, I mean Relationship experts say that today's long term relationships marriage, it has come down to be an emotional affair.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm. What do you mean by that?
Speaker 2:Emotions are what hold the couple together at the end of the day, not the finances. You know, both partners work nowadays.
Speaker 2:Yeah yeah, I mean he found the wife. I don't need you anymore to. I will not stay with you so you can feed me my own job. Yes, I can survive. You know that. Not the kids anymore, because we have. You know all over that that we stay for the kids. No, we divorce and with yes, the kids are. You know, we'll see how we get into that. They will be fine. People are not afraid because of that anymore Not our families, not our friends. So it's much easier to live a relationship. What will hold you is the emotional connection.
Speaker 1:Connection. Okay, before we go into connection, I just want you to define what is. What is a healthy relationship look like? What should it look like? Let's just get clear with that and then we'll talk about how connection impacts this as well. So let's define the view of a healthy relationship.
Speaker 2:Here's the relationship these days Starts from I will repeat, from the connection, and it needs to have some elements. These elements will prove to us that we are Connected and aligned with each other. It's trust, first of all. It's the most important element. To be able to trust each other yeah, not, and not only when it comes to infidelity To trust that they have your back right that they support.
Speaker 2:All the important aspects of Romantic partnership, which is, you know I, I trust you, but you will not. You know, hurt me a lot. Yes, we will hear the challenge, but you will not demolish me. I trust you that you're faithful. Yes, I trust you that you are a good father.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:I trust you that you will respect my needs. You will respect my autonomy, you will respect my need to grow. Trust contains all these things. I trust you that you will have my back and that you will listen to me and that you will be there when I need you. And and I feel also that they have your trust. If we have trust, then we can be vulnerable.
Speaker 1:Vulnerability brings that's going to last and we need to be honest and I just think that's really important, what you said, because sometimes we're like, how do we become more vulnerable? But it's building this, the beginning pillar, I guess, to then naturally being vulnerable, because if you're feeling safe with the person you're with, that's going to naturally make you want to open up, whereas if you're feeling you're always on, you know, fight mode or this conflict, then you're gonna shrink up. So I'm really gonna hold that as a something I just wanted to highlight.
Speaker 2:What you said exactly. If you feel safe, yes. So it all begins with trust. If you trust each other, then, yes, you can feel safe and you can be vulnerable. It means you can be honest, and then you can be thinking. You must see which is the other to intimacy, right yeah.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, trust leads to intimacy, which is it's very important in modern relationships. Yeah, this is you know. In the past, men have learned not to Need intimacy, or they think that they don't need it, or we, you or we express it in different ways. We're not as expressive as women are, because we learn from the small age to hide our feelings and that we are allowed only to feel and show anger. This is the only emotion that is allowed, but intimacy, it's, it's very much, it's essential in modern relationships, because we need somebody who is emotionally connected to us.
Speaker 2:Yeah if we don't have intimacy, we cannot be emotionally open, we cannot share our, our fears, our likes, our, our goals, anything. So, basically, we need to talk with each other. This is what intimacy is, and if you have intimacy, then you have, you become closer physically, you have affection. It's very important because it is the, is the body language of love the body language of love.
Speaker 2:Yes, you know, is the hacks and the kisses and the touching which I really believe that a human body Cannot function properly without that touch, without how, without the kiss, without that, the affection basically, which we get, you know, from the moment we are born from our mothers, and this is what we need to survive, and this need never, never ends. We need it. Relationships.
Speaker 1:I think a lot of people think we've grown this need and we don't need it as we get older. But yes, yes it's really we just gotten used to it not being around and this being the norm, but Having that really does cultivate like good feelings within.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, I can. You know, I've talked to people, but to couples which have really they expressed this, this need for affection which we don't have anymore. There are couples who've told me that I I can live without sex, but I don't think I can live without affection.
Speaker 1:Wow.
Speaker 2:Yes, they feel hungry for it, which it's a very important thing. It's when our, our bodies, feel comfortable with each other and when we have that then we can have passion, we can have desire.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's the other element which because you know, passion and desire Are very easy to come in the beginning of a relationship. There's mystery, there is excitement, there is adventure. We discover each other, we want to move forward, so we will Get physical together and and then, down the road, it gets lost. In many, many married couples we lose that and we wonder why we have to get it back. How do we get it back? We have to work on the other elements. Before we have that again, we need to have the trust, the intimacy, the affection and, yes, then we have the passion, we have desire.
Speaker 1:With trust. So let's just say the trust in a relationship at the moment is broken or is questioned in one area or the other you mentioned. It's not just about infidelity, it's also about other things. Can you give some tips on how to start to build the trust again? So some couples might be at the point where they feel it's hopeless and that this is what the new status quo is and this is how we're functioning. What kind of things could they do to start to build that up again? To come back to this first pillar, it's a very good question.
Speaker 2:It's a difficult thing to restore Trust once it's broken. It's a very difficult thing and the person who has lost the trust of their partner has to do the most work. They have to recognize it, that yes, some behaviors of mine have lost the trust of my partner in these areas A, B and C and then I have to get it back. The partner who is feeling betrayed needs to give the chance for the other to win back the trust and needs to communicate in which areas they feel betrayed they feel betrayed. There needs to be work together, but it all comes from self-development, self-discovery. It starts from there that we need to ourselves recognize what have I been doing, that I have lost the trust of my partner. How do I get it back? What can I change? This is where it all starts From our own self-first.
Speaker 2:We don't start that you should change that. It doesn't go like this. Your partner will change when you start changing People. In relationships they mirror each other. If I am good to you, there is a very good chance that you will be also good to me. If I am bad to you, it's a guarantee that you will be horrible to me. So if I start changing, if I start improving, then you will follow. If you don't follow, then there is no feelings. There is the case that I will try to do the work but you're not following.
Speaker 2:So, yes, this is the case when there are no feelings anymore, there is no motive. The emotions, the feelings is the motive for me to change so I can make it work with you. If I have no feelings, I have no motive to change anymore.
Speaker 1:Correct, and then that's where you can start to see a stalemate. I guess yes.
Speaker 2:Things are not.
Speaker 1:So even if one person is working on themselves, could this also positively impact the relationship, even if the other person isn't aware, and the other person can start adjusting or changing a little bit their approach. Have you seen that change a relationship with? The one party being more invested than the other.
Speaker 2:I have seen it. Yes, there are. You know, most relationships that's how it starts Make changes or they want to save a relationship. Usually the one partner is more invested than the other and the one takes the initiative. There are relationships which is harder for the other to follow and it takes a while because nobody likes change, nobody likes to leave their comfort zone. It's not easy, otherwise we would be doing it every day. It's hard, but they follow and they make changes down the road. It might be a slow process but, yes, it can work and it can happen. And there are partners who they don't get it. They simply don't get it. You explain to them the wrong behaviors in their relationship, the effects, the hurtful behaviors. They cannot understand that they're doing something wrong, but they cannot understand why the other person is kept by it, by why it's bothered by it.
Speaker 1:And how can that other person, how can the person that's not being understood reach out to those hard cases, for example, the person who's stubborn or not seeing that they are contributing to the problem? Is there a way to reach them or to get through the message in some way?
Speaker 2:There are many ways to reach them. You know, these days we are lucky because we have a lot of tools and we also have a lot of experts that can go to help. If I cannot reach my partner on my own, then I will ask for help, and we are lucky in that way these days because we are able to do that. I mean, we were not able to do that 1500 years ago before, but these days we can. I can go to an expert and ask for help. What can I do? How can I reach this person? Or how can an expert reach this person and explain to them what is actually going on? Because basically, my job is most of the time is to be a translator.
Speaker 1:I translate.
Speaker 2:Yes, because it comes. It speaks two different languages.
Speaker 1:You break it down I guess you take what you've heard from each and you break it down and you transfer it right.
Speaker 2:There are two different languages and there are two different tools, realities, Two different sides, and I have learned that you can never have a good conclusion unless you listen to both sides.
Speaker 2:Correct, yeah, in the beginning I used to listen to one side and I would think, oh my God, they are living with a very poor person, they are 100% right. And how can they understand it? I'm going to ask this person to come to the office and I'm going to punish them. And then the person comes to the office the other partner, you hear their side. You think, okay, they're not so bad, they're also right. Sometimes they can't be valid. So if you don't listen to both sides, you cannot have a conclusion. So between these two truths comes. Somebody was to translate to each other what they're saying to each other, and they don't understand and they don't listen and they don't hear. They just put it in a different way. So they will get it. And many times when you hear it from a third person, then you are able to listen yeah, and you're not.
Speaker 1:So emotionally charged, I'm guessing, because it's not coming from your loved one.
Speaker 2:Yes, when we're in conflict with our loved ones, we seem to be prejudiced. We think we know each other, so I know why you're telling me that you are doing it to hurt me. I have a prejudice in the first 10 seconds that you will open your mouth in the moment of attention. When you hear it from the third person, you get rid of these feelings. You are in a different experience. You are able to comprehend it much better.
Speaker 1:So what are some communication tools? So you're the communicator, but if you're not there, what can you give them to deal with this on their own? So some top tools that they can take away, like when they want to express something that the person has done to hurt them or something they're unhappy with, or some repetitive behaviors. What kind of words or vocabulary or approach can be used to get this message through?
Speaker 2:Yes, there are many tools that we can use in order not to let our moments of tension, our disagreements, our fights which we all have, everybody will have them in their relationship. The problem is, people don't get, they don't break up and they don't get divorced because they fight these fights they have. They leave them with traumas, they leave them with unfixed problems, they take them with them and to the point that there is no energy anymore to fix anything, because nothing will ever be fixed. So what we can do? First of all, to understand that if we get in a moment of tension with our partner, we can be angry, we can shout. We are not going to solve anything to the person or to each other. Nothing ever gets short. In the moment of the heat or the screaming or the you did this, I did that, I didn't do that. Nothing will ever get short. So when we get in these moments, we need to understand that, okay, we're not going to solve anything, let's take a break. We need to be able to do that.
Speaker 1:To say time out, reset. I need to breathe. It's the best.
Speaker 2:It's the most simple and the best, so step one is just remove from the tense situation and it's tense.
Speaker 1:Just find a way to escape that moment. Not to escape the argument or discussion come back but just to breathe and to Absolutely yes, exactly what you said.
Speaker 2:Yes, it's the moment where I have to say we're not solving anything and I feel that I will say things that I will regret. Let me take a moment and I will come back, tori, yeah, Not that you know, talk to yourself and I'm leaving, not this way.
Speaker 2:You know, in a way, that you understand that, okay, if we continue down this road, it's going to be damaged. So let's take a moment, because you're not going to solve anything when you're in this with the emotions flying all over the place, and when I asked for this moment, you know you need to not come after me and continue. You need to let me have the moment, have the break, because what happened is that for a moment, but you are not done. You know venting and you follow me around the house, so we both need to have the maturity to do that. What takes practice? You know, I say that to couples. They try it one time it doesn't work. Second time, third time, it will work a little bit. If you practice it, then it will become your new habit, you know, versus your old habit, which was, you know, let's shout to each other until we're exhausted and they're not talking for seven days.
Speaker 1:And who can be the loudest the shouting?
Speaker 2:yeah, yes, if you practice that, that, yes, we are taking a break so we don't do more damage and then we'll come back and repair and fix and talk and do all these things that need. So we connect. This is the this is very important part the reconnection. After the argument, the fight, the tension, whatever. You know even that I said something that hurt you and I didn't realize it, but you are holding the grudge. We need to have the reconnection again.
Speaker 2:How will have that reconnection? By communicating, by being honest and saying you know what you did hurt me. I felt betrayed, I felt troubled when I heard you say that I reacted that way. Because of that, we need to be this is what we said before, you know to have intimacy, to be vulnerable, to be honest in order to communicate properly, because this is where trust comes. I trust you that you will repair the damage with me. I don't trust you that we will never fight. I mean, of course we will fight, but I trust you that after we fight, you will repair the damage with me and you will reconnect and we'll be fine until our next fight.
Speaker 1:But I think that even goes probably deeper, because this repairing, fixing and talking also needs techniques at each step, because sometimes it could be that you've had the space and you've come back and it's the same cycle repeat pattern that you're not aware of. So maybe that's where the self-awareness and the work of you know Wade. I'm also contributing to this pattern and this repeated argument. So that's any tips for the repairing and fixing which is starting to notice your own role within that discussion so that we can avoid it getting to that point. So what are the things we could do to stop ourselves in those moments?
Speaker 2:We need to understand what do we do to triggers the other person? Not? Why? Are they triggered by themselves? Maybe I'm doing something that is triggering them. Maybe I'm doing something or saying something that I'm putting my partner in self-defense mode permanently every time we talk. Is it my expression? Is it the way I communicate? Is it my body language? Is it the tone of my voice? Am I talking too loud? Whatever that is, we need to work on that so we don't have, you know, on the other side, a person who is permanently on self-defense is not going to listen to anything we say, but is just waiting to answer back to defend their side. So I need to ask myself and I need to ask my partner why did you get this way? Well, you know why are you?
Speaker 2:in the defense mode. Is it something I do? Tell me, I work on it and they need to do the same.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think that that's also hard, because maybe both partners need to be on board, like you said. I think the biggest part here is that they both need to want to make it better, because if the one is always constantly like and always working on themselves and they're not being met by reciprocal changes or reactions, then it could also be a bit of a stalemate situation.
Speaker 2:I usually say to people that you know, by doing this work, by fixing some of these things yes, it's not easy, it will take work and you need to get out of the comfort zone to do them. But if you're not doing it just to make the other person happy, you choose to be in this relationship. Yes, it is your choice. You want to continue? Otherwise, be honest and come out and say no, I don't want to do this relationship.
Speaker 2:Since you're stating that you want to continue being in this relationship. Don't you want to be in a healthy relationship? I mean, don't you want to be happy? You do. Nobody will say no, I don't want to be anyone. Exactly Everybody does. So this is what it takes. If you want to be in the healthy relationship, yes, you need to work on fulfilling the needs of this relationship, and it's for your own benefit. First of all, it's for your own benefit.
Speaker 1:Exactly.
Speaker 2:You're not doing it for the other person who has helped you to this moment. You hate at this moment. You know this other person. You don't want to see them in front of you. No, you're not doing it just for them. Yes, you will come down and you will remember that you love them, but it's not just for them. It's for the sake of the both of you. First of all, you, because if you have a healthy relationship, you have a better quality of life, which is, at the end of the day, that's what it is. This is what everybody wants.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, if somebody wants to come and work with you, what can they expect from a relationship coach? That is different also from going to psychologist, for example.
Speaker 2:So, there is. Yes, there is a difference. Yes, a coach is focused on the problem that you're facing right now, on the issues that you're facing right now, and we'll work how to solve these problems and look for the future. Yes, we don't go. I go backwards very little, you know, just to learn the history of the couple, to learn, you know, how long have some behaviors been going on. Is it since the beginning? Is it after we had kids? Is it for the last year? Is it after? You know, I found out that he was, you know, talking with somebody else, but I am focused on the problem that the couple faces at this moment. How do we solve it? How do we move on? It's really a solution based. We can call it a process.
Speaker 1:Yeah, whereas with psychologists you would go back into the past and in the trauma and whatever you would go, the psychologist has to go back in order to discover the roots behavior so they can help you.
Speaker 2:yes, to hear any traumas that have been there.
Speaker 1:That makes sense, yeah, and so I wanted to also ask a little bit about attachment styles. Do you do any work on, you know, recognizing what kind of attachment style I have in my relationship? Can you tell me a little bit about that, some different styles and how that can help? That awareness can help strengthen a relationship.
Speaker 2:Yes, it's important to when we're facing a lot of problems in our relationship with our partner. It's a very good.
Speaker 2:I'm glad you asked that Because it's a very good area to discover for ourselves. Why am I facing these problems? Maybe it's in my attachment style, which is the attachment style is usually. It also comes from, childhood is how you, how you were, raised and you bring it to your adult life, and so you, I, have to recognize which one am I and which one my partner is. And when we see that there are two conflicted ones, then there's the issue.
Speaker 1:So can you tell me some attachment styles like what yes, there is the.
Speaker 2:you know the anxious attachment style Anxious attachment. Yes, which is the partner who is always anxious for the attention, for the love and feeling insecure for you know towards the other partner.
Speaker 1:Feeling insecure towards them, so needing reassurance, constant reassurance from the partner.
Speaker 2:They need constant reassurance, they need constant care, love, attention. They don't crave for independence, they don't crave for autonomy Most of the time together. So we get very anxious when the other partner is not fulfilling this 100%. And that happens when the other partner could be, you know, could have a secure attachment style, and the secure attachment is that I am I am very well on spending time on my own as well. I don't get anxious, I don't get you know, I don't get jealous, I don't feel that I need the constant care for my needs and I don't have this in securities. So when these two partners come together, it's a different attachment style. You understand that it's a nice cocktail.
Speaker 2:Yeah cocktail, the results will be very carolful. Yes, correct. By recognizing which style I have, I can understand. Okay, that's why this is happening, that's why I'm feeling like this and that's why my partner is reacting like this, because they have a different attachment style from me. Okay, what can we do about that? Can we meet in the middle? Can I change all these emotions that push me towards this attachment style? And sometimes you know that is not easy to change. So sometimes there is a need for that to see an expert, like to see a psychologist, Because you have to go back to your past and work and discover from where these behaviors came from.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so the insecurities and the anxiety, and also the other side, maybe the secure attachment, the switching off and cutting off from a relationship, right, maybe being not connecting in that way.
Speaker 2:There needs to be a middle ground. Yes, when you're keeping your secure attachment style, it doesn't mean that you feel fine. It also means that you can be disconnected and not vulnerable, and not you know, offering up your emotions as I'm offering up mine.
Speaker 1:Which probably would make the anxious attachment style even more desperate for the connection. And so are these the only two types Anxious attachment, secure attachment or the other.
Speaker 2:These are the two main types that I have found you know most important.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so if someone listening is actually having some challenge in their relationship now and they want to reach out but they're scared to make that first step, what would you say to the person who they know that they need to work on something Maybe it's not completely destroyed, the relationship, or that, or it is in a bad place what would you say to them? They're thinking about it. What do they need to hear from someone like in your?
Speaker 2:position, I would say, to take the first step. It's not easy. A lot of people don't find it easy to take the first step and go ask for help, go sit down with an expert and listen to their opinion and, most importantly, to come and be honest, you know, open up and say all your personal situation, describe the most private of things, your romantic relationship. It's not easy, yes, but when you feel that it is needed, then you should reach out and go ahead and try it. You try it by going, even one time, and could you say that one time? It's the first meeting, as I like to call it, which is where we see if we can build trust, because it's a process that we follow here in the relationship and it all starts with building trust between the coach and the coachee. If you go and you see that, yes, I can build trust with this person, then you take it from there and you can see how you can have your relationship.
Speaker 1:Something like this could also be helpful for you to determine if you can be a good fit to work with the person as well. Absolutely there's also a chance that it might not be for them or for you.
Speaker 2:Yes, absolutely. The first meeting is also. Yes, you know, it's the time where I also have to measure if we can work together or maybe you need somebody else. You're a different kind of expert.
Speaker 1:So to someone who want to be able to work with you, obviously they need to be open and vulnerable and be able to really share the truth of what is going on.
Speaker 2:Yes, there needs to be honesty. There needs to be honesty so I can help. Exactly, if there is no honesty and trust, I am not able to help them.
Speaker 1:To reach them? Yes, and there is to be.
Speaker 2:You know what I tell people when they come for the first time are you ready to make changes? Yeah, you're sure, first.
Speaker 1:If not, then there is no point. Yeah, because it's not about going in there and you know like, bearing your partner, basically, and just saying everything that's bad just to be heard. Right, it's not just about being heard.
Speaker 2:It's not about that. It is about that too, but it's not only that. Yeah, after you're being cared. You need to start making the changes. Correct Maybe you need to make you know 10% changes in your partner. 90%, yeah, it doesn't matter. There is something that you need to change definitely.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:There is always a fault on both sides. Yeah, it might be, you know, 1% to 99%, but there is always a fault on both sides.
Speaker 1:For sure. And so before the final question I asked you, I just want to see if you could share like a success story of a couple that came to you and what they came as a pain point and how it's ended up or how it's been improved.
Speaker 2:Yes, I've had a few success stories, which is the most fulfilling part of the job actually Having couples that make it through the process, come out on the other side and they do well after. Yes, but I always remember there is this couple that I will never forget. The first time they came to me, the lady, the wife, called me and already from the phone she was screaming yes. And from the phone she told me that you know, we're coming to you because I need to be somewhere with a witness when I tell my husband that I'm leaving, that I'm divorcing. Yeah, and I was very curious and said okay, you can come, yes, absolutely yes. So they came here and the first session was like a two hour session.
Speaker 2:Yes, so this couple. So they show up to the office and you know, it lasted for about two hours of screaming, fighting, blaming each other, and I let them. You know, I let them fight, I let them scream. They were at their worst and I let them do all that Until the end. You know, in the last half an hour, when I started to ask them some questions and they felt that they knew the answers, but they started discovering that maybe this is not the answer I thought I knew Maybe something else is going on, so so he started from there, decided to have doubts for their own negative feelings. But maybe it's not 100% my partners, for maybe I'm doing something wrong, maybe I need to change something, so they will behave differently. So they left with doubts.
Speaker 2:They came back the next season. They were even better to listen to each other and to listen to the translation that I provided. So long story short after quite a few sessions, I must say, they improved on every session a little bit and they came to the point where I told them you don't need me anymore. I think, believe that you're fine. I believe that you have built a very nice and very strong foundation again in your relationship, so you can go on. And they managed to pull through. But this was only because they were both able to listen to what is actually going on and to listen or, yes, we can solve. This is not something that it's ended, that there is no solution. They were able to work on themselves. The most important thing.
Speaker 1:That's fantastic? And I think yeah, because being in a relationship, sometimes you get comfortable and you just think, well, it's worked up until now. I just do keep doing what I'm doing. But this is a constant evolving process because you're in different life stages, there's different challenges, there's changes, children. So it's almost like at every step you have to rediscover yourself in the new role, plus the new dynamic of this relationship in the new role, and it does need continuous work. So I think, even if your relationship is strong, this work is really useful for anyone who wants to just keep getting a better relationship and just improving even for themselves, to create that self-improvement so that you can bring the best in your relationship.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. I agree. I had couples who came to me not because they were about to divorce, they were doing fine, just wanted to see how can I do better. We're getting on the next stage. How can we do better? We don't know where to go from here, but we don't know how to fix these little things that bother us. There's always room for improvement. Yes, all relationships they evolve, yes, and they all have different stages. You have the beginning, you have then the commitment. If you have kids, then you have that stage when there is a huge change that's going to happen. Then you have another stage when the kids are older. Then, in all these stages, we evolve as people. The relationship needs to evolve as well, and there is. Trouble comes when one person evolves and the other one doesn't. Usually it's many times the post of divorce, because I feel that I have evolved, matured and able to handle this next stage much better. And you are still the same. Let's say that's when connection is lost completely.
Speaker 1:Thank you for that. That's a lot of useful information. I'm definitely going to listen back. There was so much there. So, just to end off the episode, I'd like you to think about the biggest learning experience you've had in this new role as a coach and what you would really like someone listening. If only one thing that we're going to take away from today's episode, what would that lesson about?
Speaker 2:relationship speed it might sound a bit cheesy to people, that's okay, but it's very simple If you have a person, if you have a partner and you have feelings for this person, you love this person. You have a history with this person. Try and fix it before ending it. Give it a chance. Give it an honest chance. This is what I always like to say to people. There's very few things that cannot be fixed in our romantic relationships. I only said to people that I cannot help them. If there is a case of abuse mental, physical abuse then I cannot do nothing about that. Everything else can be fixed if we both work on it.
Speaker 2:So if you have somebody, that you like them enough, give it a chance. Give it a chance to fix. If you give 100% and it doesn't work, then okay, you can move on. But do that first. People's relationships are hard, especially these days. They're hard to evolve, they are hard to stay together, but it's worth it. We all want to be connected. That's why we are biologically made to be connected to each other, and if you have somebody next to you, try to connect with them.