Eyewitness to Therapy Episode 1: Finding Self-Compassion

Our guest, Katie, presents a heightened state of curiosity and nervousness about the therapeutic process and its potential outcomes. She describes a general desire to explore her thoughts and emotions but lacks specificity in her goals, possibly indicating uncertainty or difficulty in self-reflection. Katie identified a key challenge she faces: a tendency to dissociate from certain experiences, which she tends to avoid discussing. This avoidance response seems to manifest as freezing up when similar situations or topics arise in conversation.

Throughout the session, Katie exhibited a range of emotions. She began the session feeling nervous and curious, and as the conversation progressed, she began to open up more about her inner experiences. Upon being told not to blame herself for past occurrences, Katie reported difficulty believing this, yet expressed feeling a sense of increased self-love and kindness. She described her overall experience of the session as "interesting," indicating a positive emotional response, despite it not being a "relaxing" experience.

Several significant insights were gleaned from this therapy session. Katie recognized her tendency to dissociate from certain experiences and showed a willingness to explore this further. She also identified a need to learn to talk about herself more openly, indicating a willingness to engage in self-exploration and build self-reflective skills.

Moreover, Katie started to develop an understanding that she has more control over her life and emotional responses than she initially thought. This awareness may empower her to feel more confident in her ability to manage difficult experiences and emotions.

Lastly, Katie expressed the notion that she could be kinder to herself, suggesting the emergence of self-compassion. She appeared to gain a taste of this self-love during the session, which is a significant step towards improved mental well-being. In future sessions, it would be beneficial to further develop this self-compassion, alongside exploring the areas she tends to dissociate from.

Transcript

 Welcome to Eyewitness To Therapy, the one-of-a-kind podcast. That focuses on a real-life therapy situation. I'm your host court Curtis psychologist and therapist. Passionate about bringing you into an immersive experience of self-awareness through therapy. In each episode, we dive deep into the struggles our guest faces and guide them on a journey of self-discovery and resolution as your dedicated therapist, my purpose is to create a safe space where you can openly share and address your issues, will explore the power of the present moment in resolving your concerns.

Knowing that the past is completely over and the future is never yet, the keto healing lies in awareness. In being witness to your consciousness, and that's precisely what we'll uncover together in every episode of Eyewitness to Therapy. So join us as we navigate the transformative power of therapy and self-awareness.

Welcome to another episode of Eyewitness to Therapy. I'm your host court Curtis, and I'm delighted to welcome my client today, Katie. This meeting marks a first for both of us. I have never met Katie before this present moment and my knowledge of her situation is limited to a very brief questionnaire that she filled out prior to this meeting.

All therapy is centered around the client's issues and goals. Whatever she brings forth into the session is always grist for the mill, for exploration and self-awareness, and my goal is to be helpful in the best way I can. Al therapy is all about living in the moment, and that is exactly where we start each session.

I ask my client to take a moment and allow a word or short phrase to bubble up inner consciousness that simply names her here and now experience. I then have her expound on that word, what that word says of her, about her, or about anything. And then I ask that she declare an intention for the session.

An intention can be anything. Such as what she hopes to gain from the session or what she wants help with. Declaring an intention from the outset helps frame our conversation and also serves to create a purpose and goal for our conversation. And then lastly, we end each session the way we begin with, just a word that names her here and now experience as we come to the close of our conversation as well as a few words about how she feels about our session.

Is there any takeaway, insight or realization that she gained from our meeting together? So come along with us as we step into the journey of exploration, where the conversation goes, nobody knows, but that's also the excitement of therapy, a step into the unknown of possibilities. So without further ado, let's welcome Katie.

Well, good afternoon. Good, and welcome. Welcome to our meeting. Thank you for having me. So just to lay the groundwork for our meeting today, obviously this is the first time we've ever met. I know actually nothing about you, and you probably know nothing about me except for the brief questionnaire. So this meeting today is really for your benefit.

Whatever is important for you to a address or work on my function and desire is to be helpful to you in any way that I can. That sounds good. This is the way we start each meeting actually with just one word or short phrase. Put one word or short phrase to your here and now experience coming into our meeting right now.

What word or short phrase might name your inner experience? I? Nervous and curious. Nervous and curious. So, all right. Nervous and curious. So that's the word. So feel free to expound on those words. Nervous and curious, whatever those words say of you about anything. And then also look and see to. Address the question, what do I hope to gain out of our meeting today?

What's my intention for today? And that can be anything. Something you might want to gain or explore or share, whatever your intention is, what our intention is, and that helps frame our conversation today. Would you like to expound on those words, curious and nervous? I guess just to see. I'm curious about what will come out of this.

Yeah. I'm curious about will come out of this, but nervous too, cuz I don't know. I don't know what to expect. Yeah. Curious about what's gonna come out of this. Yeah, yeah. That's call it, that's all an unknown, isn't it? Yeah. Like re stepping into the unknown here in terms of Yeah. What's gonna be the outcome of our conversation here today?

Yeah. So when you look at the question, what do I hope to gain or what's my intention for our session today, is there anything that pops up for you in terms of what you would hope to gain from our meeting today? Probably just more exploring of things. Yeah, exploring of things probably. Exploring of things.

Yeah. All right, perfect. Is there anything in particular that stands out for you in terms of what you would like to explore or what that, um, points to? Probably. Learning, maybe learning how to talk about myself more maybe. Yeah. That maybe, oh, yeah. I don't know what kind of topics would work. Yeah. But learning how to talk about yourself.

Yeah. That's something that you would like to gain. How can I talk about myself, kind of thing. Yeah. Yeah. How can I share myself perhaps? Yeah, that probably sounds more, makes more sense. All right. Any area of your life or experience that's front and center in your mind or consciousness that you might like to start with?

Just in terms of what's, yeah. Perhaps what's happening in your life or what's happening in your experience Maybe? Yeah. Actually don't know what to say. Yeah, look and see if there's anything that pops up. Just a general area, perhaps that can be anything like perhaps some relationship or some situation or maybe some past situation or something that perhaps I struggle with in my experience or anything like that.

Maybe I still have. Is it dis disassociate? Is that the word? Kinda dis disassociate with it though. So there's something that you're aware of that you tend to dissociate from, you're saying? Yeah, or I always like to avoid it or if it ever comes up in conversation or I hear about it, I like completely like freeze up with it.

Yeah, there's something that you experience or tend to experience that you end up dissociating from, is that correct? But yeah, so going through something and then I guess I never really talked about it after going through it, but then if I hear about it or similar situations, then I tend to freeze up.

When you say it, are you talking about like an experience or a situation or something that occur? Yeah. Yeah. Would you like to touch on that? Whatever that is, feel free to simply touch on that if you like. Hey, I think that's the hard part. Yeah, I don't touch that. That's the hard part. Yeah. Yeah. Uhhuh.

Gotcha. Yeah. Yeah. Feel free to, I don't know. I guess I don't know what to do about that. Yeah. Oh, am I hearing that there's a situation that you experienced that, that perhaps was troubling for you in some way? Yeah. Okay. Something that occurred. Yeah. That when you reflect back on it, it was a troubling memory kind of thing.

Yeah. Yeah. And then I'm just curious about that, like how far back does this memory go? Like. Fifth, sixth, seventh grade back then. All right. Yeah. Something occurred in around that time, sixth or seventh grade, that that was troubling for you. Is that accurate? Yeah. You'd like to simply share what happened or what you recall that that's a memory that you have.

Is that correct? Memory? Yeah. Memory and experience. It's a memory. It's a memory of something that occurred. Would you like to just share what your memory is of that occurrence? Maybe going through like going through a tougher time or like an illness. You experienced an illness around that time. Yeah. Oh.

Can you share what that illness was or what? I think that is definitely the problem. That's the problem in terms of, yeah, I can't share, like, I can't talk about or, or share about it. Oh, oh. What, what makes, I'm curious, what makes it difficult for you to share about it? Probably it was just really difficult, I think.

I think that's what makes it so tough to share, kind of. Is there a lot of emotion in there? Yeah. Would you say? Yeah. Okay. Definitely lots of emotion. Can you describe her name? Just like the emotion or the feeling that persists, shyness. Not like overwhelming, like bothersome, like I. Bothersome. So shyness, overwhelming, and bothersome.

Yeah. And this is around a certain illness that you had or experienced during that time. All right. I understand certain experiences. I don't want to go there feeling. I know. Yeah. It's too disturbing. But at the same time, I want to invite you to share whatever you recall about that. Perhaps that could be something worthy of exploring today, but only if that feels, cuz I, I hear it's a risky thing, right?

Yeah. You sure? Yeah. It, it's disturbing to you and, but it, it shouldn't, I guess it shouldn't be anymore because, That's why I'm so confused by it, cuz it doesn't really bother me anymore. Oh yeah. Oh, it doesn't bother you anymore. Well, I don't really, I guess I don't really struggle with it that much anymore.

Anymore. Yeah. So you used to, yeah. But you don't struggle with it anymore. Yeah. What's the difference? I'm curious. Or what's, maybe it's not, yeah, it's not something that. I guess it's always on my mind or, mm-hmm. I guess I'm able to do my enjoy life or go about life without it bothering me. So it's not hindering you or impeding you in your life?

No, I wouldn't say that much anymore. Yeah. But used to, yeah. Kind of thing. All right. Can you say, I'm regarding that situation, whatever that is. Yeah. Can you say I'm at peace with that? I would say I think so, but I feel like the prob like I'm at peace, except I almost push it out of my memory, which like then makes me feel like I'm not at peace.

Cuz if I hear other people who've struggled or they talk about it or bring up. Even like topics around it. I feel very like nervous and I wanna leave a situation. Oh yeah, yeah. You still, I hear that as you, you still get activated by certain Yeah, it act, it activates, it's a disturbing, it's like I want to get away.

Mm-hmm. Feeling mm-hmm. Kind of thing. All right. If you could come to, let's say, total peace around that, would that be desirable for you? That would be, yeah, you, I do feel like I should be able to, cuz it's been so long kind of thing. Well, I call that we all experience that in different ways. I call it unfinished emotional business.

We carry emotions from the past that emerge or get activated out of certain situations, and unless we experience or work through that emotion, we'll carry it into the present and, um, we'll, It's our way of trying to escape from certain feelings or memories, but, uh, UL ultimately, can you escape from it?

That's a good question. Yeah. Hmm. Yeah. I certainly don't wanna push you into talking about this, but certainly I want to invite you if it feels like something. Cause I hear the shyness in it and the feeling around it. And so just to extend another invitation, if you would like to share just what happened, I guess it's so difficult cuz it took up like, A good portion of my, I took up like fifth grade, sixth grade, seventh grade, so that's why, I guess it's a lot there.

Mm-hmm. This occurred over several year, or at least a couple of years kind of thing. Mm-hmm. Yeah. You were, were you impeded then in your life, or at least. It impacted your life in a negative kind of way. Yeah. Yeah. Is that something you're saying? I don't want to talk about what happened. I don't know.

Actually. I do. What? I don't, I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, you do and you don't, right? Yeah. So it feels risky for you. Is that true? Yeah. To, to share this, I mean, with. A perfect stranger here that we've never met, so I can certainly understand that. And if it feels like something you'd like to risk with, I'm open.

Okay. As far as this past, this would be a, a period of your life. Is that mm-hmm. That, that you experienced? And, uh, so what I'm hearing is that I was. Call it disturbing to you when you, what you went through. Yeah. And you still think about it. You still think about this memory and although you're saying it, it doesn't bother me as much as it used to.

It's still, can I say I'm at perfect peace with it? Maybe not. Totally. Is that true? Yeah. Yeah. So when you look at the present feelings that you feel about that, what feelings would you say that you experience when you think about this past event, past time? Um,

I think I, maybe, I said, did I say overwhelming before? Overwhelming There's, yeah. Overwhelming. There's a lot of feelings. Maybe also like embarrassed too, and then nervous. Yeah. Nervous. Embarrassed and overwhelming. Yeah. How do you feel about feeling those feelings? I wish I did it. Yes. Yeah. I wish I didn't feel those.

You wish you didn't feel those feelings? Yeah. If you could be free of those feelings, that would be desirable. Maybe not have it be like so overwhelming or so embarrassing kind of thing. All right. Okay. So if you could be free of, of it not being so overwhelming or so embarrassing, that would be desirable.

Yeah. Yeah. Because I feel like I, like I tend to not overreact, but if similar situations come up, I guess I tend to. Not be logical about things probably cuz of all those emotions if similar situations come up, meaning in yourself or with others, maybe in myself. So I guess I, through all that, I think I developed a fear of going to like, um, clinics or hospitals and then nowadays if I ever have to go to get blood work or get like a checkup or anything, I just tend to.

Like I don't go. Yeah. A fear is a fear. Yeah. Like a fear. A fear of fear, yeah. Can you share what you're afraid of? I think I'm afraid of, it might literally just be like getting in trouble or something, or not doing the right thing, I guess. Or having maybe even having something be a problem. So, all right.

So that's a persistent kind of feeling then, a fear of these feelings. That is what I'm hearing. Yeah. If you could be free of, or at least the intensity of these feelings, that would be desirable for you, because I think I would be more logical about a lot of things too. Yeah. In what way? I think I would. I would be more logical because I wouldn't, I guess I wouldn't avoid certain situations or push things off.

You wouldn't avoid situations. Yeah, I, yeah, I wouldn't avoid situations and maybe I'd just be more comfortable with myself too. More comfortable with yourself. Yeah. If you could somehow be free of these feelings, you'd just be more comfortable with yourself. Mm-hmm. More lo, more that's more logical, and that would be desirable.

Mm-hmm. I'd probably feel more just overall, more comfortable. I'm not hiding things. Oh, that's the feeling that you end up feeling like you're hiding. Is there a shame in this for you or a bit? Yeah. Yeah. You said embarrassment. Uh, but that's the feeling would be that I wouldn't have to, I don't feel like I'd have to hide cuz I mm-hmm.

It's, that's what I'm doing. Kind of hiding. Yes. I think that's right. Yeah. Around certain people or situations. I feel like I've gotta hide this. Yes. Yeah. A little bit. Like you're, like, you're experiencing right now, this is, this feels like something you have to hide. I think yeah, you're right. Yes. Uhhuh and to hide from me.

Yeah. All right. It certainly piques my curiosity, but again, I wanna respect your boundary there in terms of what you choose to share. But we can certainly address the feelings and, uh, that's the feel cuz the leftover feelings are embarrassment. What other words did you use? Embarrassment and overwhelming.

Yeah. Yeah. Embarrassment. Let's, would you be willing to just explore these feelings then? Yeah. And what, all right. Say the, the words again, that name the feelings, embarrassment, overwhelming, and what else did you, embarrassment, overwhelming. And shame was that one of them? And shame, I guess that might have been my word, but embarrassment, overwhelming and shame kind of embarrassment and shame are very similar.

Related are, so these are the feelings. Would you say that the, these are the feelings that persist in your life in some way? They do? Yeah. Mm-hmm. Uh, whenever like these kind of topics come up or something similar to it definitely comes up. And if you could put just a, a number on these feelings in terms of it, the intensity on a scale from one being very weak to 10 being strong, how strong would you say these feelings are?

I guess it depends on the situation. If there's something like really close to it. Or I get put in similar, similar situations. It's like a seven, eight, but otherwise it's like, maybe like a five. It's there and I just wanna get out, uh, like the conversation or something like that. Gotcha. So it ranges somewhere between a five and an eight, something like that?

Yeah, depending on the situation. Mm-hmm. And. You're sharing a little bit already there. So what's the impact of these feelings on yourself and your life? I know you, you just shared a little bit of that, but how would you articulate that again? What is, what are these feel having these feelings doing to me and what are these feelings costing me in my life?

Yeah, so they are, I guess they are making me feel like I. I can't really be fully honest with other people or myself at times. It also makes me feel logical or like I don't make sense in certain situations too. So the cost is that it's costing me, my being honest. Yeah, being honest. Being honest. Being honest with myself.

And then sometimes because I'm so illogical, I end up like delaying important things or stuff like that too. All right. Do these, having these feelings do anything for you? Is there any perceived gain that you get out of maintaining these feelings or having these feelings, like a payoff of some sort, maybe.

Oh, because they're not good and I don't want them, I guess it just, I guess it gets me out of the situation, then I just leave. So it helps me to escape from a situation. Yeah. Or get out of a situation or then I don't have to deal with it. Don't have to deal with it. So if you could imagine then, if you are totally free, Of these feelings, this embarrassment and shame and overwhelm, if you, if those feelings simply were gone, what possible difference would it make to yourself in your life?

I think I would end up being, I would end up not feeling like I'm hiding such a large chunk of myself. So then I. I guess I would just feel more open, like not, I'm not always like slightly on guard kind of thing. So you would just be more open? Yeah, more open. More open with yourself. Mm-hmm. And others.

Yeah. And I guess these like struggles like related to it still come up sometimes. Just be being a little more able to talk about it, I think could also just be better. Being able to talk about the feelings or being able to talk about the situation? Maybe like the situ, like the situation? Yeah, the situation.

What happened? Yeah, because I don't like, I guess I don't even really talk about it. Yeah. I. An example could be like, so last year I had like a medical issue, but it was like pretty clear that I had like a medical issue, but I just refused to go to the doctor for months and months. And then it got really bad because of that.

But like the people around me, I couldn't even, I was always just brushing them off. I couldn't tell them, oh, why I wasn't going. And even when I. Went to go see the doctor. I was like avoiding all the follow up appointments. So everything just got really dragged out. Yeah, I hear you. So this is what I'm hearing so far.

So if I could be free of these feelings, I'd just be more being me. Yeah. Kind of thing. I wouldn't have to, yes. Feel like I have to hide. And maybe I would feel more sharing about this time of my life in certain situations kinda thing. Yeah. With without embarrassment, I could just share that this is an aspect of my past that maybe I'm now at peace with.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. But I'm no longer feeling embarrassed about. It's just simply, it's simply what occurred in my past. This is something that occurred in my past. Yeah. Yeah. To be able to share that in certain situations, whatever that might be, you would have to feel like you're always on guard or have to hide or pretend.

Yes. Yeah. You could be open with yourself and others about this. That's correct. And that would be desirable. I feel like it cuz it's so long. It's so long in the past. Um. And it always, it does always feel like I'm on on guard to like protect it, but it doesn't make sense. Why Uhhuh? Yeah. When you think about this event or think about sharing it, what do you imagine others might think or feel?

Let's say if you share this, what do you imagine others might think, feel, or perhaps react? I don't think it's, it would be bad. I just. Maybe I actually feel like it's more me. Like I don't want to seem, I don't wanna seem like I went through something difficult. Yeah. Oh, so I, I don't wanna seem like I've been through something difficult.

Yeah. Even though I have been through something difficult. So you just don't, I just don't wanna reveal this to myself basically. Is that true? But maybe. Maybe, yeah, maybe it is more me, Uhhuh. All right. Yeah, I hear that activates these uncomfortable feelings. True. Yeah. So. So if you could face this time of your life without shame or over overwhelm or that, that would be desirable.

I think so. Yeah. All right. So are you feeling any of those feelings right now? Just as we're speaking like that, those feelings right now? In this moment? Maybe a still a little bit like embarrassed. A little embarrassed, yeah. Okay. If you could let go of your embarrassment, then would that be desirable? All right, so this is a question that is good to reflect on when it comes to our emotional life.

Who's creating this feeling? So I definitely, I think I definitely, something, I always ask why, like, why this happened to me, but I think probably, I guess, Growing up I always did. Yeah. I always did really well in school and all that stuff. So probably just like expectations from people. Mm-hmm. Expectations from people is part of what creates the feeling.

Yeah. Like expectations to basically just do everything well, can you say these words and see if they resonate with you? I'm, I'm responsible for these feelings of embarrassment. I'm responsible for these feelings of embarrassment. Is that true? I think now it is. All right. All right. Yeah. So you can see they were activated in a past situation and that you had no experience of having any choice about, but as you.

Move on in your life and come to this present period of your life, you can see that I have something to do with maintaining these feelings. Mm-hmm. Yeah. What'd you say? Yes, that's absolutely true. So I'm like, why? Because I'm in a different situation now. So like, why is it still there? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, that's what, that's what working on, not only trying to figure out why it's there. You know, this is an unfinished feeling and we're talking about the possibility of releasing it or letting it go. Seeing that you have something to do with this feeling out of all things that are possible in life, is it within the realm of possibility that you could let this feeling go?

And I would be nice. I think I'm really like, maybe I'm just scared too. Yeah, I'm scared too. There's a certain sense of wanting to hold onto it, out of fear. What might happen? What might happen if I'm free of this feeling? Yeah. I guess then it's weird. Yeah. Cuz I want to, but then I'm scared too. It sounds like the more I Right.

Uhhuh. Yeah. I really hear that. I want to and I'm afraid to. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Maybe having these feelings have at least served you up till now. Like you said earlier, it's given me an excuse or a reason to escape certain situations. Mm-hmm. And maybe if I didn't have these feelings, I wouldn't have a reason, I think.

Yeah. Then I wouldn't have a reason. Yeah, true. Yeah. All right. So you're saying you don't feel like you could just choose to leave a situation if you desire to? Yeah. Is that possible that you could choose to leave a situation if you just, if you simply desire to? I guess I could just say I have something to do.

Or if it's a conversa, I could, yeah, I could always just find an excuse, Uhhuh. I'm not doing it out of fear. Mm-hmm. I'm doing it out of choice. Yeah. But there's something like, I don't know, fear makes. Yeah, I guess it's the same result actually. What's the same result? Like me being able to leave a situation if I wanted to?

Yeah. Well, so we're talking, so I, I hear that. So there's a part of you that wants to be free of these feelings and a part of you that I'm not so sure I wanna be free of these feelings.

So these feelings hang, hanging on and maintaining these feelings. Do something for me. They do. I think they just like, I guess they make me feel comfortable. Yeah. Like I feel comfortable. So you get to, it gives you a certain comfort in yourself to mm-hmm. Have this feeling. All right. It might be risky for you then to be free of these feelings.

Right. It might be. It shouldn't be, but it is, I guess in my head, Uhhuh. Yeah, it's a be risky. Cause that's like stepping into the unknown, isn't it? Yeah, because I, yeah, I haven't done, you're right, I haven't done it. So then I don't know, I can play like a scenario in my head and nothing's like, I don't see anything terrible like happening around me.

You mean if you were free? Yeah, guess I don't see Probably, yeah, I don't really, maybe it is more. You, I think you might be right, that maybe it is more just me holding myself back. Mm-hmm. All right. Well, yeah, that sounds like that's the effect. It's holding you back, right? Yeah. I'm hearing you say it's, it's holding you back from feeling just comfortable in yourself and being able to be honest with yourself kind of thing.

Would you say, right? Yeah. Yeah. And so when you look at the possibility of releasing these feelings, it at least feels a little bit risky. Is that true? Mm-hmm. I don't know what, I don't know what I'm so used to having these feelings and what they do for me that if I'm free of them, I don't know who I would be or what I would be.

Is that true? That's true, yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So for you, it would be like stepping into the unknown? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Because you already know what, or you could at least anticipate what you're going to experience in certain situations. The pattern that we're talking about here, you. And that may be the feeling of security that you feel and having these feelings, at least they're familiar.

Mm-hmm. True. That's true. Yeah. So if I were free of these feelings, I don't know who I would be a little bit. Yeah. And that might feel risky. Yeah. Because it does feel, I guess, it, it kinda like, it gives me like a little. Defense or a little bit more protected. Yeah, a little defense. Yeah. Protective. It's a protective quality.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I hear that. I hear what it does for you. Yeah, and and I'm also hear hearing what it's costing you as well. Yeah, yeah. I hear what it's costing is just the way I hear it, is just free to be me. Hmm. True. Yeah. Especially like for those, those that I'm closest to, which is why it doesn't, yeah. I feel like I should be able to share that.

All right. Is this something that you're willing to take a risk on to let's say, well, let me ask you this. Seeing. And you're responsible for these feelings, seeing that you're, would you say hanging on to these feelings? Yeah. Out of all things, is it within the realm of possibility that you could let these feelings go?

Is it, is that even possible? I feel like it is. I don't, I guess I don't say why, like, why it wouldn't be except for me. Why wouldn't it? So you can concede that it's possible to let these feelings go. Yeah. It's at least possible when you see that it's possible. Well, I asked you that already. Do what? The fear, the f or the resistance that you have of letting them go is I'm giving up a sense of protection.

Mm-hmm. Kinda thing. Are you willing to let these feelings go? I feel like as I move, as I get older and older, it's, it doesn't make sense to hang on to them. Yeah. It doesn't make sense to hang on to them as I get older. It just doesn't make sense. So am I willing to let go of these feelings? Am I open and willing to let go of these feelings?

It's a possibility. Yeah, it's a possibility. So am I willing to let go of these feelings? Yeah, I am willing to let go. I think so, yeah. All right. Let me ask you this question. Does any other time but now exist, does any other time but now exist? I think now is like a definition of like in the moment, so no.

Is that right? In this moment, right? Yeah. I are sitting here talking. This is the only time that exists, isn't it? That's true. Yeah. The past is completely over, is it not? That is true. Yeah. Everything's over. Isn't it true? This morning's over. That's true. Yeah. Last week, last year. That is very true. Yeah. It's all over.

Right? And does the future exist? It definitely does, yeah. Cuz it's coming. Yeah, it's coming. But is it here? It's, is it here? It's like never here. It's never here, but it's like here in the sense that it's coming. It's coming. So it's coming, but so does that mean, does it exist if it's coming but not here, does it exist?

Does the future actually exist? I think it does. Ex like it. It does exist cuz.

We're always like chasing it or we're always like one step behind it, one step behind it, always chasing it. So could you possibly tell me when we've arrived in the future? No. Cuz then it becomes the now. It becomes the now, right? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I mean, if we had this conversation yesterday and talking about what's gonna happen today, here we are.

We've arrived in the future, have we not? Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Yeah. So this moment, as you and I are sitting here, is really the only time that exists. Is that true? I think so. Yeah. That's, that is now. Yeah. Yeah. Everything else is memory. So what we're talking about the past, we're talking about memory, we're talking about present memories, right?

Or if we talk about the future tomorrow. We're talking about a present picture in my mind. That's true. Yeah. Yeah. So it's, well look and see. So this moment is the only time that exists. Look and see, are those feelings of embarrassment? Uh, are they there or are they gone in this moment? Look and see. Like in this moment?

Hmm. The only time that exists anyway. If it's like the only time, then maybe no, if I don't think about the past. If you don't think about the past. So, uh, are you thinking about the past now? I could. I don't have to. You, you, you could think about the past. Would you be willing, just for a moment here, to think about the past and see what feelings are and are the feelings of embarrassment, are they there?

Are they gone in this moment? As you think about the past?

They were definitely there. Like in the past. Yeah. The feelings were there. Yeah. In the moment. Yeah. Or do you presently feel those feelings when you think about the past right now? Can you, could you take a moment just to think about the past, whatever the past is, whatever occurred? Cuz I, you're talking about a period of your life.

Can you take just a moment to reflect on that period of your life? Just take a moment to see what in your mind's eye. Taking just a moment to look at that memory and then look and see what's the present feeling. Is the feeling of embarrassment there or is it gone in this moment? It's not as strong. Not as strong.

If you gave it a number, what number would you give it on a scale of one to 10? Five maybe. About a five. Yeah. So if you could let go of the five, would that be desirable? Yes. And just for now? Just for now, that would be desirable. Yeah, just for now. All right. Well take a moment. Take a moment simply to give yourself a little moment here to reflect on this past period of your life.

Whatever images show up in your mind's eye and then go ahead and see if that feeling of embarrassment or, or un or overwhelm is there. And then just go ahead and see. If you could let go of the remaining five without trying to figure out how to do it or whether you even can do it, just go ahead and see if you could in, take your time by the way, and uh, and just let me know if you've brought it down to zero at all.

I think it's going down, I think I'm replacing it a little more. Replacing it, yeah. With what?

Maybe like kindness or caring. Kindness or caring. Yeah. So you're aware of some certain kindness and caring. Yeah. I'm curious if kindness and caring had a voice, what would kindness and caring actually say? If kindness and caring could speak, they might say, that was a, I was like really young. Yeah. Maybe like, oh, you were like, don't hate but not, or don't.

Don't be so embarrassed kind of thing. Yeah. Don't be so embarrassed Giving yourself recognition. Well, you were just very young. Yeah. Yeah. You were very, you're very young. Yeah. Sounds like. I think I hear in that is that you were innocent. Is that true? Yeah. You were innocent back then. You were innocent, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So that would be an expression of kindness and caring. Yeah. So you're aware of some of those feelings in this moment? I think I am. Yeah, I am. Yeah. Kindness and caring. Would you try this as an experiment here? And that is to split yourself into two right now, or you could look at yourself on the screen.

And go ahead, speak to Mindy. Any kindness or caring words, and I actually experience speaking to her if you would just not, maybe not be so hard on myself. Yeah. Say that to her. Say two, two minutes. You, you, but you, you need not be so hard on yourself. Yeah. And go ahead, see what else you wanna say to her.

Don't be so hard on yourself that it'll be,

things aren't your fault. Would you say what you just said one more time? Yeah. Things aren't your fault. It'll be, don't be so hard or tough on yourself. Okay. How do you feel hearing those words? Little hard to, yeah. Hard to believe. Like I feel, I feel, um, A little more love kind of thing. Yeah, a little more love.

Yeah. So there's a loving quality in saying those kindness and caring, right? Yeah. Yeah. Very nice. Beautiful, cool. Uhhuh. All right. Very good. We are coming towards the end of our meeting here today. All right, well, we've, in my mind, we've covered significant ground here, but let, this is the way we end each meeting is actually with just one word or short phrase that names my hear and now experience coming to a close of our meeting.

And then just a few words, how do I feel about our conversation today or our meeting? Is there anything that I take away from this conversation at all? Um, that, that I have, I guess I am in a little, or I'm in more like full control or a lot of control of things and I could be kind, I guess I could be kind to myself if I wanted to, or I could choose a little bit more of how I feel.

Yeah, I guess I'm, I have a lot more control than I thought. Yeah. Very nice. Very nice. And then just a few words, how do I feel about this conversation? We just had? Like, well, I hear the result for you, but just, just in terms of how this meeting went for you, would you say how you feel about this meeting?

How I feel? It was interesting. Yeah. I wouldn't even say not relaxing, but. There was no like dramatic, crazy things. No dramatic or crazy things. Yeah. All right. All right. Well good. I think you did something good here. I understand the, the embarrassment about sharing something from our past that, uh, was embarrassing, let's say.

And so I honor. Your desire to not talk about that. But we did touch on the feelings that grew out of that time, which call it embarrassment or shame kind of thing. Yeah. Overwhelmed kind of thing. So that's one thing to explore and look at not just the situation, but also the present feelings that I still carry from my past in a way.

Mm-hmm. We shed a little light on that, on those feelings, and looked at the possibility of. What the impact of these feelings are. Yeah. How it costs me in feeling comfortable in myself and being honest. Yeah. And so if I were free of these feelings, I just be more comfortable in myself. So we looked at who's responsible for these feelings or who's maintaining these feelings?

I am. And so we also looked at the possibility of releasing. These feelings or letting these feelings go or flow. And that's another way of looking at our emotional state cuz we, because what you're sharing is what we humans tend to do with certain emotions. We hang on to certain emotions, even though they may impact our happiness and wellbeing, they're at least familiar.

And so we have certain attachment to them, and to actually release them or let them go feels risky because I'm opening myself up to an unknown future. Yeah. But I'm also seeing that I could be kinder to myself around this situation. That's very true. Yeah. More loving to myself. Very nice, very nice that, that's really in my mind, one of the outcomes of therapy or purposes of therapy is a learning to be loving to yourself.

So it sounds like you had at least maybe a little taste of that. Is that true? Yeah, that is true. All right. I want to thank you for, uh, this conversation. Thank you as well. Yes. Yeah. So I appreciate your volunteering to do this. I appreciate your openness and your willingness and, uh, to jump into this kind of in a, this is an unknown situation, isn't it?

Mm-hmm. Yeah. We don't, when we started, we don't know where this is conversation's gonna go, but here it went. Yeah. Yeah, so I appreciate our conversation and yeah, yeah. So I wanna wish you well and go forward and go forth in peace and joy. So here are some closing remarks on my session with Katie, which really reflect on her own self observations.

One, she discovers that she need not be so hard on herself. What she has experienced in her life is not her fault, and she need not continue to fault herself for what occurred way back when, which was never revealed in the session, and which was perfectly okay. Something occurred for which she has continued to judge herself for.

And if there's any one thing that therapy is all about it is that it's a learning, a learning to give up self-judgment, self condemnation, self-criticism, and the like. What happens when one gives up self-judgment? It's a return to love, a love for oneself and a love for others. One brings more love into the world and into one's life, and that is one of the things she appeared to get a greater caring and kindness toward herself that now becomes part of her inner experience.

So thank you for listening to this podcast. If you, the listener, desires to be interviewed in a similar fashion as this one. Feel free to contact me@courtcurtisyahoo.com. Peace and love.