Eyewitness to Therapy Episode 2: Anger, Sadness, and Anxiety

During the therapy session, our guest expressed feelings of depression and inadequacy as the provider for his family, primarily due to consistent job loss and recent firing from a cab company. His self-esteem has taken a hit, leading to a negative self-image where he identifies himself as a "fuck up". He also grapples with honesty in his relationship due to fear of conflict and disappointment.

Our guest experienced a range of emotions, including anger, sadness, and anxiety, largely tied to his struggles with employment and relationship. He is hard on himself for not meeting expectations and portrays a negative bias toward his own attributes and contributions.

Key insights from the session reveal that the client's self-perception is heavily influenced by societal expectations and self-judgment. His relationship issues stem from a lack of openness, exacerbating stress. 

However, there's potential for growth, as towards the end of the session, he showed openness and comfort in discussing his struggles and a willingness to be honest with his girlfriend about his job loss. This suggests readiness for positive change and confronting his negative self-image.

Transcript

Welcome to The Eyewitness To Therapy, the one of a kind podcast. That focuses on a real life therapy situation. I'm your host Cort Curtis psychologist and therapist. Passionate about bringing you into an immersive experience of self-awareness through therapy. In each episode, we dive deep into the struggles our guest faces and guide them on a journey of self-discovery and resolution as your dedicated therapist, my purpose is to create a safe space where you can openly share and address your issues, will explore the power of the present moment in resolving your concerns.

Knowing that the past is completely over and the future is never yet. The key to healing lies in awareness, in being witness to your consciousness, and that's precisely what we'll uncover together in every episode of Eyewitness to Therapy. So join us as we navigate the transformative power of therapy and self-awareness.

I'm your host court Curtis, and I'm happy to welcome a new client today, Himy. This meeting marks the first for both of us. I have never met him Aty before this present moment and my knowledge of his situation is limited to a very brief questionnaire that he filled out, uh, sometime prior to this meeting.

All therapy is centered around the client's issues and goals. Whatever he brings forth into the session is always grist for the mill for exploration and self-awareness, and my goal is to be helpful in the best way I can. Gestalt therapy is all about living in the moment, and that is exactly where we start each session.

I ask my client to take a moment and allow a word or short phrase to. Bubble up in consciousness that simply names his here and now experience. I then have him expound on that word, what that word says of him, about him, or about anything. And then I ask that he declare an intention for this session, and an intention can be anything such as what he hopes to gain from the session or what he wants help with.

Declaring an intention from the outset helps frame our conversation and also serves to create a purpose and goal for our session. And then lastly, we end each session the way we begin with just a word that names his here and now experience as we come to the close of our conversation as well as a few words about how he feels about our session.

Is there a takeaway, an insight, a realization that he gained from our meeting together? That's the question. So come along with us as we step into this journey of exploration, where the conversation goes, nobody knows, but that's also the excitement of therapy, a step into the unknown of possibilities. So without further ado, let's welcome Timothy.

Hello. All right, well, well, welcome to our meeting here. Just to, you know, lay a little groundwork for our conversation here today is, oh, first of all, no, I know virtually nothing about you and you probably know nothing about me. Perhaps I, uh, looked at your LinkedIn site and, you know, saw a little bit about you and maybe you've done a little research on me.

I don't know. But, uh, so we're coming into this encounter, you know, completely. Not knowing of one another. So really the purpose of this conversation is really to create a space for you to share anything you'd like to share in terms of something you might want help with or work on. And so my job here is to be helpful to you.

Yeah, so, so thi thi, this is the way we start actually with every session. And that is with just one word or short phrase that names your interstate as we're sitting here right now, you know what word, a short phrase, bubbles up in your consciousness that just names your interstate right now. I would say anxious just because I got a lot of stuff to be within.

A little bit of time I have to go to work and I really don't want to. Today it's Memorial day. My girlfriend's having a party here and I won't be here. Um, okay, gotcha. I'll have you expound a little bit more on it there in just a moment. So before you go there, look and see what, what answer to this question shows up in your awareness.

What do I hope to gain out of our meeting today? That's, you know, setting an intention for our conversation and whatever your intention is, what our intention is, and it becomes the focus. Our intention, so, so look and see what's my intention or hope to gain out of our meeting here today? Just to express how I feel and maybe possibly meet a friend in the making.

Okay. So to express how you feel and to meet a, a friend in the making, like meeting me. Yes. Okay. All right. Very cool. All right. All right. Okay. All right. Well, so yeah, we'll, we'll, that's great. So that's okay. So say it again. What my intention is, say it one more time. My intentions are to express myself and to also hopefully meet a new friend.

Okay. So, okay, gotcha. Okay, so self-expression. And meet a new friend. All right. Okay. We can certainly touch on those things. All right. Well, w would you like to expound a little bit more on, on anxiety you started to already there in terms of what that anxiety is about or what you feel anxious about?

Anything more just about that feeling of anxiety? Just mainly financial issues. I just started working three weeks ago, a part-time position. Um, And it really takes away from the time with my family because it's Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday I work. And, uh, even though they're older, like I have a daughter, a stepdaughter that's 17, and my other daughter's 12.

I still feel like, like certain holidays and weekends I should be able to. You know, relax with them, which is something I regret when, all the time that I was off, cuz I didn't really, you know, I guess I took the time for granted, you know? But now I just, it's, I'm realizing that time is really important. I hear you.

Okay. Okay. So feel like the, well, the, in other words, The work is taking you away from your relationship with your daughter, you're saying? In a way yes. And my girlfriend too. And your girlfriend. Okay. But you know, I, I feel good on the inside because I actually get to provide and put some money up where I've been trying to get disability for a year and a half now, and I got denied.

Two times, and I'm going one more time in front of a judge to see if I, you know, qualify for it. So I haven't been working or anything, but just the fact of me being able to give some type of money and, you know, help makes me feel, you know, good in that aspect. And that feels good to be the pr uh, providing, even though you're not spending actual physical time with them.

The feeling of, yeah. Providing for them. Yeah. Compensates for that in a way, would you say? I wouldn't say compensates, but I would say it would make it 50 50. Probably 50 50. Gotcha. Okay. All right. Okay. Yeah, I hear you. Okay, so, so, so you're also saying that, well, there's some anxiety about finances too. Like that's part of what your anxiety is kinda like.

Uh, yeah. Because like I think it's either Tuesday or Wednesday, it'll be me and my girlfriend's 15th year anniversary. And I'm not really sure what to get her, but I'm not really gonna have any money until the day after our, um, anniversary. I feel bad about it just because, you know, like I was telling you recently, I haven't had a job, so there's been holidays and birthdays where I really haven't been able to give her anything or provide like I really want to.

So, you know, just me having this part-time position and still not being able to come up with something, cuz 15 years has been, We're not really, you know, married or anything. We do have a daughter together. Mm-hmm. And I basically raised her stepdaughter from when she was like three. So it's just in the side of my head, you know, I just feel like maybe my financial planning isn't up the par like it should be for my age, I feel.

Cause you know, I'm 38 and I feel like. Financially I should be in a better state. I hear you. Okay. So again, so, so the feeling that I'm hearing, I guess, is that you're feeling like you're not able to give to them as much as you would like. Yes. In terms of, you know, well, finances and so on. Uh, and that you, well, coming up on your anniversary, you're feeling like you have to delay.

Giving something to her because you don't have the money. Anything. Yeah, like I should, even though I've been working three re three weeks and I give her my whole paycheck, basically. I just feel like, you know, I still feel like I should have something on the side, you know, for saved up. But I just started and you know, my main part now is to pay the rent and cover that.

She just got a new car recently, cause I had got an accident in February and so she got a new car payment. It's a lot of money and she already has a full-time position. She pays the rent, the car, you know, a lot of the stuff. So, you know, just for me to put in, you know, enough for rent, you know, it does make me show better on the inside, but, You know, somehow I, I still feel like I'm missing something or like I'm, you know, missing out on things, like you're missing something.

Yeah. I hear that. Right. Yeah. Well, it sounds like just from what you're sharing that, or are you saying that as far as your financial situation, what you're bringing in, in terms of income, Between the two of you that you're, would you say that you're making it maybe, albeit maybe, you know, barely let's say or, yeah, now I would say it, it's a lot better.

We're still in a hole cause of the time that I wasn't working and got a credit card and you know, stuff like that. But yeah, I would say probably within maybe another month or two I would say, Ray borderline depressed about it. Depressed about it. Okay. Yeah, I was be depressed just because I was always taught that as a man of the house, like you're supposed to be the breadwinner and you know, have the main income.

And in my situation right now, just because of my health and everything like that, I'm a diabetic and.

It is controlled right now, but it hasn't been in the past. So that led me to, you know, hospital visits, ER visits. I actually got a amputation on one of my, one of my foot, my feet. So it's just been a lot over the past, like I would say, 10 to 13 years that has made me feel like, um, I haven't really been available, you know, for the family like I should.

Like you should. So you're not being, it sounds like well, is your depression then, that you're feeling you're not being how you think you should be? Yeah. Yes. You're falling short of your own expectations. Yeah, I would think because when a player was to have a house by 35, and I'm 38, though it's not, it didn't even really come close.

So, you know, I had a goal. I set it when I was 30 and felt short by a lot. Well, I'm curious how you make yourself depressed about all this one. One of the things that I hear is, you know, that. You're not being how you think you should be. You're not living up to your own expectations. And I wonder if that's part of what your depression is about.

You're simply not living up to your own expectations. Yeah. That and yeah, I feel like that. And I guess sometimes I don't feel like I live up to relationship expectations. What relationship expectations? Which ones with my girlfriend. Like your girlfriend? Okay. Yeah, because we got together on some really weird circumstances and I just feel, hey, what's going on?

And I just feel at times that we don't see eye to eye on things. She has expectations. Yes. She, I'm curious. Yeah, go ahead. I'm curious what her expectations are. Just for me to be honest and don't hide anything. Oh. To be honest and don't hide anything. Have you been dishonest in hiding something? I haven't really been dishonest, but I really haven't hid anything from her either.

Oh, okay. You know, like she has access to my phone, all my, you know, password, anything she needs, but I don't, you know, look at her phone. I don't really have social media, but there was something that I tried. And it was a way to get money online and I was gonna be like a content creator on this like social media app.

And I told her about it, but she was asking me, does anybody try to talk to you or interested in you than the app? And. I left my phone there one day and she looked in it and she seemed, I guess some, you know, information that some girl was trying to chat with me. You know, I didn't respond or anything cuz I'm not, you know, interested in internet relationships or not like that.

And I tried to explain that to her and she was like, well, why didn't you just be honest with me? It just makes it seem like you're hiding something honest with you about what? That you're on this app. No. That someone tried to contact, someone tried to contact you. Yeah, I, okay. So she expected you, when something like that occurs, she expects you to tell her?

Yes. Yes. Okay. Yeah. Okay. I don't remember why. Well, how do, well, I'm curious, how do you feel about that, that expectation? You know, I, I feel like it is legit a legit. I don't know. I feel like it's legit. She's honest. It's legit that she would expect this of you. That feels reasonable to you. If I was interested in it or if I entertained it, I could see how that would be, you know, something.

But if I don't even care or I'm not interested, I don't know why, you know, I would tell you still just doesn't make sense to just go and, you know, because somebody. To reach out to me that I gotta reveal that to. Yeah, to you. And she does that to me all the time. You know, I say, I don't care if she mad in the long run.

And I feel like if I was to do that to her, they would do the same thing. So I'm trying to avoid something. And she was like, no, that's disrespectful. You should just tell me from the beginning. So if I find it, it seems like you're hiding something and you know it, it all just boils back down to me, you know?

Not being honest about things or upfront. So you feel she doesn't trust you? Yes. She doesn't trust you. Okay. Okay. Okay. Well, well is that something that went apart from this situation you you just described? Is that something that, you know, when you look at certain past events that maybe you were untrustworthy in some ways?

So,

To be honest, yes, but nothing really happened with anything that, you know, it was just like dumb stuff. Like the manager called me baby in a text one time, not, you know, not on some, I love you, but I guess just. You know how people talk sometimes, like, take care Honey. Or Uhhuh, you know me, or you know, something like that.

Yes. And I didn't say that, but she seen my text in the phone anyway. Oh, okay. So you didn't respond to this person? She just said that It was my manager. Yeah, it was your manager. She said that and Okay. You know, I didn't say that. That part when she asked me, oh, who texted you? Okay. And I said it was my manager, but I didn't say the eight baby part.

So is that the worst thing that you've ever done? Let's say that she doesn't trust you for that, that you're not telling her about these kinds of things. Basically. Basically I've cheated on her in Okay. You know, almost 14 years is so that's the truth for you. You have, you've not gone out on her or cheated on her, right?

That true? Yes. Yeah. Okay. So you know that you're confident in that, aren't you? Yes. Okay. Yes, very. Do you say that to her? Do you speak that? I try to, but she, for some reason, like I, I try to tell her, yeah. I try to express that to her. What do you express to her? Well, I'm curious what you say to her about that.

You know, I tried to tell her that I love her. To love her. Okay. And, you know, I told her that I wouldn't cheat on her because I wouldn't cheat on her. Okay. So you said those words. I I would not cheat on you. You said that? Yes. Okay. All right. Okay. Because one of the main reasons was because of how we got together.

She was married originally, and I, you know, took her from her husband and I said, I'm not going to cheat on you. After you change your whole life and everything like that, I'm not gonna, you know, waste your time. So you made that declaration to her, you, that that was, I hear that as a a, a promise. Would you call that a promise Yes.

That you promised her. Okay. And did she, all right. Okay. And, and you, and apart from these situations you just described, would you say that you're fulfilling your promise? Yes. You feel you pretty Okay. Let's go. All right. Okay. All right. Okay. Yep. So, so you've spoken this to her and then, okay, well, curious. I haven't spoken it to her recently.

Recently. I met recently just because she's been really upset, you know, with this last situation. What's that? And so I'm just trying to, like, I, I just got back all, I just got back in the room like, Maybe two weeks ago I was sleeped on the couch. Oh, back in the, oh, so she was pushing you away two weeks ago?

She was, but now she's more open than up. Okay. Well, well, what, what occurred? What occurred two weeks ago? I'm curious that led to that. It was just snappy comments every time. Just always bringing up, you know, situation.

At this point in the conversation, we got cut off while Himy took a phone call. There was about a two to three minute pause here and uh, he comes back on and shares what he now shares.

Oh, hello. Awesome. Yeah, sorry about that. Oh, okay. Is that a phone call? Yes. One that I didn't want to get. Oh, okay. So something's happening real time here. Do you wanna jump? Yeah. Do you wanna jump to talk about that or do you wanna continue where we were going previously if you liked? I just got fired from a part-time position just now.

Okay, gotcha. Yeah, this probably going, yeah. Yeah. Well, I hear you there. Okay, so, okay, so this is, this is impacting, well what, what, what's the impact? Well, I, you're, I know you're been touching on your relationship and finances, so obviously. This will impact those things, correct? Yeah, very much. Yeah. Okay.

Okay. All right. Well, may maybe, okay, so this is what's showing up. You know, these, these feelings, this is what's present in this moment. And l would you be willing, well just explore these feelings in a little more depth, in detail. I mean there, there's nothing really. To explain, other than I fucked up another job.

So hopefully I get, you know, disability or work. At least I have more time to spend on my girls, but Oh, okay. Okay. The money aspect, like,

I planned on having this job for a long ass time. Mm-hmm. And they just called me saying that I wasn't on the phones and that I was smoking weed in the shop and outside of the thing. And the, that's what they just said to you? The what, why they fired you? Yeah. That's what they just called and said to me.

Yeah. They said, you said you're fired because we saw you smoking weed. Yeah. And I wasn't by the phones enough. And they filled by, weren't by the. I, I should have been, I don't know, like, I don't fucking know. There's been times where I've been sitting there no calls for an hour and a half just sitting there.

Oh, okay. But I, I don't know, I guess they wanted me to try to call and get cabs. Like I don't, I'm just fucking hurt right now. Like So that's a call center that you were working at? Just curious. Yeah, I was a dispatcher for a cab company. Oh, a cab company. I see. And I worked three to 11. I see. Okay. Gotcha.

Okay.

Okay. All right. Well, so yeah. Well, what would be the word that names the feeling then? Is it what? Pissed off. Pissed. Pissed off. Okay. Pissed off. So you're angry about this? Yes. Yeah. Very much over that. Are you being angry with yourself by any chance? Yeah. You being angry with yourself about this? Just what situation?

What? What are you saying to you about this? What's your inner conversation? Oh, another one, Vernon. You can't keep shit straight. You can't keep shit straight. Okay. Another one. Okay, so another one you can't keep shit straight are, okay, so, so am I hearing that you're scolding yourself? Yes, that'd be a good word.

Accurate word that you're really scolding yourself. You really. Berating yourself about this. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Well, may you know, maybe, perhaps, you know, that's something that you tend to do when you don't live up to your own expectations is that you scold yourself, you berate yourself. Yes. Is that accurate? It is accurate, yeah. Okay. Yeah. You give yourself. A really hard time, sounds like, for these events, and I'm just, I'm, I'm, you know, I'm just wondering of the impact on that, on you, that you give yourself such a hard time, what this does to you and what it costs you to do this.

I mean, it cost me a lot, like, I'm disappointed. Disappointed. No girl, disappointed. Like, I, like, I, I literally haven't worked till like a year and a half. Angry hasn't even been a month. So you're disappointed in yourself. That's another feeling towards yourself, would you say? Yeah. You're both angry at yourself and disappointed with yourself.

Yeah. Yeah. And now like I feel like, you know, there's been jobs where I've been fired for. I broke the weed and stuff like that, so. Oh, you have in the past? Yeah. Okay. That involved again, and I'm have to be upfront and tell, you know, honest. Mm-hmm. You know, that shit just, no, no. You're supposed to be in a bigger hole.

So are, well, let me ask you, so are you saying that you have trouble being honest with yourself? No, I don't have trouble being honest with myself. Just, okay. In a relationship with my girl, like the stuff she wants to know or whatever, I feel like that will cause an argument or have some type of disappointment.

Like I try to avoid that. You can't just tell her, I, I lost my job and I'm disappointed and I'm angry. No, because there's been a lot of jobs that I've had in, yeah, well, right, but this one, yeah. Yeah. So this has happened again. This has happened again. Yeah. Yeah. This is, sounds like this is a kind of a, a pattern would you say in your, in your, I don't know how far back of get, getting jobs, losing jobs.

Yeah. I would say. Would you say, and would you say losing jobs out of your own volition or that you got fired? I would say a little bit of both. Both, okay. Okay.

Okay. Yeah. Well, it sounds like a pattern, you know, and, and part of, you know, looking at certain patterns is, is, you know, kind of what we're talking about here, what we do to ourselves, you know, how we hold ourselves or we berate ourselves, we criticize ourselves, we, you know, condemn ourselves. And, and so we, we live in that.

Psychological space not feeling good about ourselves in some ways. And so, you know, if that becomes a fixture in your consciousness, you'll tend to play out those scenes over and over again. Now, the, the big question is, you know, could, is it possible or conceivable that I could let go of my self condemnation?

Would that make any difference to yourself if you were free of that? It might, but I just feel like me working, I just need to do my own thing. Like I just feel like did to do my own thing. Somebody, so Okay. Can know. It was just people was lying on me saying that I left thoroughly and I should have been by the phone.

Mm-hmm. Okay. Okay, well, this is what happened, right? This just happened. And so what you get to do is how, how do I wanna deal with this? How do I wanna deal with the reality of this? That's what you get to do. All right. And it was ideal for me too. It was behind the phones. Mm-hmm. It was under the table, so it wasn't any taxes or anything taken out.

So it was really helping me in that aspect. Yeah. But now, you know, with me trying to get a disability, there's only a certain amount of month, certain amount of money that I can make a month. So also I think about. I see, okay. Okay. I hear you. You know, he's just, Oh, just curious, what's your disability? I'm just a diabetic.

Diabetic. Okay. Yeah, I'm a diabetic. High blood pressure. Oh, I see. Um, just, I've been a diabetic for 25 years. I see. Type one. I have a pump and a Dexcom one on, um, I've had so many hospital visits in the last five years. It's just been ridiculous because I've been able to not have a job and I haven't had insurance until recently, so, mm-hmm.

You know, it's just been a downhill and a uphill battle every time, you know, I try to try to provide, so would you say your physical condition is impacting. Your ability to provide and to hold the jobs as part of dealer? Yeah. Okay. Yes. Yeah, I hear you. Right. Okay. Yeah. Okay. I hear. I hear you. I hear you.

Yeah. Well, all I can say is at least they didn't let me come in work and then fire me at 11, 11 o'clock. Mm-hmm. That's what most jobs do. Make sure you come in all day and work and then fire you. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Well, how'd you like this job, by the way? I did. It was easy. Well, did you like, did you enjoy doing this job?

Is this a job that turns you on kind of thing? On a scale of one to 10? I would say a seven. A seven? Okay. Okay. I mean, it was a decent job. I was still buying a desk. I got to watch tv. Mm-hmm. Okay. And pick computer. The phones. Nobody was really in my back or in my face when I was at work. Uhhuh, it was kinda an easy job, would you say?

Yeah, an easy job. Okay. I'm just wondering, you know, is it the job that you know, that you, apart from, you know, certain jobs can certainly be easy or difficult, but you know, there's also, do you enjoy, is this, is this the kind of job that you enjoy doing? And I'm curious. I didn't, I didn't really enjoy it, but I knew it was.

A paycheck and something that I needed to do so. Right. You know, so a lot of it is about the money, sounds what I say. Yeah. A lot of mon, like I would say 97% of it is for me for the money. Okay. Yeah. Jerry? Mm-hmm. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Well, you know, I think just, you know, just as a point there, I think it's just.

Really important for one, to enjoy doing what they're doing and uh, you know, that it gives you some sense of, let's say, purpose or meaning. And, you know, they want the money that gave me purpose and meaning the money. It's all about the money. Gotcha. Okay. They didn't want me at this time. I mean, like I said, I straight through to have a house in 35.

How do we have a vehicle like myself to drive, even if I was to get another job, you know, to go to work. You know? So I gotta find another way to, you know, get some type of income. That's why like I try to do many, you know, focus groups, product tests, you know, anything I can do to get my opinion, you know, that's mm-hmm.

You know. That's my job. I try to get into market research if I can, but a lot of those, you gotta have degrees or bachelor's and stuff like that so that that's a no-go. Hmm, okay. But that's the kind of job situation you think you would enjoy? Very, yeah. Yeah. Either that or maybe. Working in the industry with my girlfriend, but we really can't work together cuz she's a manager.

She works in the medical cannabis industry. Oh, okay. The manager there. Okay. All right. And so, so you both smoke weed, I feel comfortable smoke weed. Do you both smoke weed? Yes. You together? Yeah. Okay. I'm curious what, so what does that do for you? What does that. It calms us down a lot. Calms you down? We do it.

Yeah. We do it together. Does it help communication in any way? I would say sometimes it does. Sometimes going argument. Okay. And you know, we both decide to, I guess. Yeah. It does help. Sometimes it does. Okay. Okay. Yeah, it can be helpful in that regard. Yeah, but I don't think it will be when I tell her after this meeting, so, okay.

So, so what are you anticipating then? So you're anticipating telling her, right? Yeah. You have a picture in your mind of what that situation's gonna be like. Can you describe what you anticipate occurring this disappointment? Her, uh, her, but you anticipate, you sharing with her about this? What do you anticipate saying?

I'm gonna just tell her that, you know, I'm gonna pull her to the side cuz she's probably cooking on the grill right now. And I'm gonna just tell her that, you know, like they fire me. People was lying on me saying that I wasn't at the desk all the time and that I was smoking weed at the she'll. I, I don't really know how I'm gonna tell her yet, but, well, how do you feel about what you just said?

I feel like she would get mad and well, okay, but you anticipate her getting mad anyway, right? Yeah. How do you feel about how you're communicating this to her? You know, you're being direct with her, you're being straight with her, you know, you're being open, you know, just acknowledging the truth of this.

Yes. But you know, she's heard it all before, so I just, yeah. So what, she's heard it all before, so what? She's heard it all before. She has, but, but, and truth is she hasn't heard anything before. No, not yet. Yeah. This is the, she'll hear you to, you know, how direct you are with yourself about this is what I would suggest to you, you know, so, like, what would you, can you, can you imagine, j take a moment here if you would, if you're willing, we could do a little role play right here.

Are you willing to do that? Okay. Okay, so, all right, so the role play is, I'm her. Okay. And then you're approaching her to tell her about this. What do you actually say to her? She imagine speaking to her, like they just called and fired me, and, uh, they said that I was smoking weed. And that I wasn't by the computer like I should have been and that I wasn't progressing like they wanted me to be.

Okay. And I don't know, I just feel bad cuz her friend got me the job. Okay. So that, is that what you say to her? I, and I feel bad about this? Yeah. Is that something worthy of speaking, you know? Yeah. I feel bad about this. Okay. Not really. No.

I don't know. I just feel like it's such a pattern, so much, and I don't know. I just feel like a fuck up sometimes. Yeah, I hear that. I hear that. That's how you, that's what you call yourself. I'm such a fuck up. I'm a fuck up. That's how you view yourself is what I see. You view yourself as a fuck up. You imagine, you know, she views you that way as a fuck up, or the world views you that way.

Fuck up. Yeah. Yeah. She views it before. Yeah. Right. That's how you've come to see yourself as a fuck up, because somebody who, I guess there's somebody successful, or I guess logical in their brain, would, you know, I don't know. I guess we try to keep something that. Uh, I don't, I'm sorry. Say that last sentence again.

I don't know. I guess people sometimes think logical and just be like, you know, I, I don't know. I don't know what people think. I know I, yeah. Well, that's, that's true. You don't know what people think, but it sounds like you know what you think. You, you, you know that what you think is that you're a fuck up.

That's how you view yourself. Is that true? Is that accurate that you view yourself as a fuck up, I'm just a fuck up. I'm a fuck up. Who would you say we, A lot of things. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I would say, I would suggest to you that's, that has become your self image of yourself, your view of yourself is that I'm a fuck up.

That's who I am as a fuck up. And so it's become a fixed picture. You, you don't see that. Okay, so that's a verb is I fucked up. I just, I fucked up. I fucked up this time. But you turn, but the thing that I hear is you turn it into I'm a fuck up. Yeah. Because they lied on me about, you know, me leaving the phones or, you know.

Okay. There has been times where I've wait there 1115, wait for somebody. And she's trying to sit there and say that, but like, okay. So quickly, so you perceive my job, you perceive them as telling lies about you, is that right? They're telling lies about you. I'm, I'm, to be honest, I did smoke weed out outside, but Okay.

I tried to make it to where whenever a driver came up or anything, like they didn't see anything like that. Okay. Well, so you can admit that to yourself. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I did smoke some weed. Yeah. All right. Okay. But me leaving the computer as much and stuff like that, I can't really accept that. But can't you mean can't accept that's how they view you or how they viewed you?

Yeah, that, that's one of the reasons into why I got fired. Okay. Well, you don't think that, you don't think that's a, so you don't think it's true then for you that No, it's not true that I left my station. For as much as they say that I have, as much as they say. Okay. All right. Okay, so I think I was there probably.

Okay. 98% of the time I was sitting there, front that day. Okay. Maybe 95, but, all right, well this is their reasoning, basically. Okay. Basically, their reasoning for firing you is that you weren't your, your desk. The way you should be. And you were smoking weed and something else you said? Yeah, and I left, I left early.

Okay. Or something like. Okay. All right. Well, well, so are, are any of those things that you could admit to in yourself or you're just saying No, those are just lies. Like I said, the weed part, I can weed the weed, but I wasn't smoking in there. They were saying like I was smoking inside, there's a little side door.

Where I can walk out. Everybody smokes cigarettes there. Okay. I gotta make sure nobody's around or in the, I I was trying to make it as discreet as possible, but I guess a couple times, yeah, I guess people called me and, you know, they didn't really say anything to me. Yeah, well they saw what they saw. They saw what they saw.

Yeah. So we're all adults here. I saw it, but yeah. Yeah. Well, you, yeah, you perceive yourself differently, so. Yeah. But, but we're also talking about, you know, how you, how you express this to your wife, right? Because that, that's what you're dreading, isn't it? Like yeah. Admitting this to your wife and anticipating that she's just gonna be upset with you.

Yeah. But she was like, oh, here we go again. Here we go again. Is what you anticipate her saying, here we go again. Okay. Okay. Okay. And I told her I wouldn't lose this job. Like I said, it was easy. I don't have an issue with it. And then, okay, then this shit happens. Okay. All right. Well, you know, this also comes down to, you know, how you wanna deal with this in yourself.

Yeah. Myself, I mean, I just see it as another job that. I, you know, messed up on, but I'm the type of person that right now, you know, my main thing is to try to get a job. I had a job, like I was gonna work two jobs, like I was gonna work at games and then this cab place, but I turned down games because they would've been working too much, even though it was like eight to 12 in the morning.

And so I'm gonna just see if I can, you know, circle back with them because I told him at the time that I wouldn't be able to do it. Okay. Okay. So, you know, I might just circle back Okay. Around them and see if, you know, if I could do something with them. Okay. Or so that's a possibility, right? Yeah, that's a possibility.

Yeah. Okay. Alright. It wouldn't, I don't think, The amount that I would work wouldn't be enough to cover what I do with this part-time position. All right. Okay. Okay. Well, maybe, possibly, let's say there's a better job waiting for you out of all this. Yes, sir. You know, sometimes that's, that can be the meaning of losing something is that there's something better for me.

Yeah, I understand that. But I have a really. I don't know. Haven't really what? Fill in the blank. I haven't really done anything to have it come back. Like I haven't really, I haven't done anything. Well, I believe in karma and I feel like, you know, if like just say if I seen a poor guy and I gave him like, you know, $5 or a dollar or something that I didn't have and Uhhuh and I would expect, you know, things to come back and, you know, eventually, but, I just feel like they haven't.

Yeah, they haven't. Okay. Okay. They haven't. Alright, so, alright. So what am I hearing there? Is that, so when you give to others, there's an anticipation that it will come back to me, but I don't see it coming back to me. Yeah. And I don't really give, I don't do any extra, like I don't give. Okay. Because I don't really have.

You know, I don't have, you know, stuff to really give like that. Like I can, I don't have stuff like that to give. Like what? Yeah. I just feel like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't give good advice. I don't give presence. I don't give gig. I don't give, I don't, I don't know. It's just a lot of things that I feel like I don't give enough.

Yeah, that's what I hear. I don't give enough. Yeah. Uh, Just to the people and to the universe in general. Just okay, everything of well. Do you, do you know if that's a, is that absolutely true that, that you don't give enough? Is that a true statement that you don't Well, well, there's a difference between giving enough and giving.

He Is it true that you don't, that you don't give? I don't know. At times I feel like I don't, I don't. Well, there are times that you feel like you don't give, but are there times that you do. When you look at the, your whole situation, do you see yourself as giving anything? No, not really. I, nothing at all?

Not really. There's nothing I can put my hand on. All right. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay. Well, you know, thi this could be, you know, an opportunity is the way I hear it. This could be an opportunity. To deal with this pattern. Here we go again. In, in, in a new way. Then, you know, you know, to, you know, give yourself, you know, time to reflect on this and see what shows up for you.

You know, cuz, cuz you know, sometimes, you know, life shows us a path and you know, a possibility and so, you know. One thing that I hear is, you know, this other possibility, this other thing you just said may be a possibility here. Okay, so I lost this job. I'll go follow that and see what's there. And then so, you know, you explore that and then you know, you look at the next possibility.

Yeah. This is a process. Takes forever. Yeah. Okay. All right. I, I know we are coming to the end of our meeting here, so I know we, we've covered some ground here and you know, I, I'm, I'm sure we could, you know, possibly expand on, you know, what we're talking about here. But since we're coming to a close, let's take a moment.

What I'd like you to do is to come up with one word that names your here and now experience coming to the close of our meeting. And then a few words, how do I feel about this meeting? Is there anything that I take away from this conversation? Any insight, realization, or anything that's an evaluative question?

Just, uh, about our conversation. So let's start again. Let's start that part with, yeah, what's my, here and now? What word? Well, here and now is I guess I'll feel open. Like, which I guess I feel a little bit more comfortable about what happened, not in the aspect of how and when, but I guess just trying to express what happens.

I just feel open with it. Like I, I feel like I'll be able to tell her in, you know, not, I guess lie about anything. Okay. All right. Well, that sounds cool. Yeah. It sounds like in a way, you fulfilled your intention, right? Your intention was just to express myself. Is that what you said? To be open kind of thing?

Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, so it's, yeah. You did that today. Yeah. You expressed, yeah, I heard a lot of expression, you know, just. Expressing your situation, expressing your emotions, expressing, you know, you hear a now feeling, you know, getting that phone call in the middle of this conversation, you know, expressing Yeah, that was, that was really, yeah, that was really weird.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, may, may, maybe that was timely because it kinda gives you a chance to, Maybe, you know, deal, deal with the reality of this in real time is, which is like what we're doing here. Yeah. So, so yeah. So you know, that's the other aspect of talk about therapy is just allowing yourself to have your feelings, your emotions, and then, you know, and I really don't show much emotion.

Mm-hmm. So do you experience yourself showing emotion here? Yeah. Yeah, I hear that. I see that. Yeah. Yeah. Very good. Okay. All right. Well, let's see. So we'll go forth. I just wanna thank you for our conversation. Thank you for your openness. Yeah, thank you very much. Yes, thank you. Yeah. Yeah. So I feel good, so, and myself, and so yeah, so I just go forth in peace and happiness.

All right. Thank you. I really appreciate it. Okay. Very good. Bye-Bye.