More Than Anxiety

Ep 85 - Making Friends In Your 30's and 40's

• Megan Devito • Episode 85

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You're not in school anymore and you're not sure if the people at work are your friends or coworkers... or are they both? Episode 85 is all about how to find and make friends in your 30's and 40s. In this episode, I'm covering,

  • Why it can feel hard to find friends when you're not in school and your kids start to grow up and have their own lives.
  • The importance of knowing your values to help you connect with the right people
  • How to overcome social anxiety and approach new people - even when you feel like a weirdo
  • Bonus: Strategies to boost your confidence and self-love

You are not alone in this weird phase.
Check out this episode and be sure to schedule time to talk with me soon to hear more about finding friends and how I can help.


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You know you're overwhelmed, burned out, sick to death of work but also trying to do everyting for everyone at home. TAKE THIS QUIZ to find out why you're so overwhelmed and what to do about it.

Megan Devito:

Welcome to the More Than Anxiety Podcast. I'm Megan Devito and I'm the life coach for stressed out and anxious women who want more out of life. I'm here to help you create a life you love to live, where anxiety isn't holding you back. Get ready for a lighthearted approach to managing anxiety through actionable steps, a lot of truth, talk and inspiration to take action so you walk away feeling confident, calm and ready to live. Let's get to it. Hey there, welcome to episode 85 of the More Than Anxiety podcast. My name's Megan. I'm super excited to be back again this week to talk with you.

Megan Devito:

Whether you're listening on a podcast platform or on YouTube, it's always great to have you here this week, and this episode was born out of a question that I recently coached several people on, as lots of my episodes are. And the question that keeps coming up is, how do I find friends and why is it so hard? A lot of the people I coach are in their 20s, their 30s and their 40s and they have this thought that finding people like the friends that they used to have back when they were kids, or finding people who are on the same wavelength as them, is just impossible. I've heard people tell me, 'there's nobody out there.' 'Nobody like that lives around here.' 'It's just so hard.' 'Nobody wants to talk with me.' All of these different thoughts that they have about making friends and why it's so difficult as adults, as opposed to back when we were kids in school. And so here's really what I think we need to get at here: let's remember back when you were in school and kind of start with what the problem is. We are kind of thrown into - especially I mean, I'm assuming, elsewhere in the world too, but especially in the United States, we are thrown into these little pods where making friends is super easy.

Megan Devito:

You go to school, you're with a bunch of people who are the same age as you, learning the same things as you, playing the same sports as you, or you go to maybe you go to a club sport, or you go to a place of worship or something like that, but we're put with a group of our peers from the time we're really little, and we grow together and we change together. And some of those people stay lifelong friends and some of those people are only there for a season, and I would venture to say that most of our friends are really there for just a season. Maybe you're like me and you're a little luckier, where you still have a lot of the same friends that you had when you were little, but if you don't, you might be learning that it's okay to make these new friends, have these friendships. But sometimes it's really hard. So we have spent countless hours, five days a week, sometimes for 12 years or more, with the same people, really getting close to them. So when those friends go away to college or if they move away, or if we move away, that loss can feel really significant and finding someone to fill that void with that friendship that you had for so long is a really big hole to fill. Not only did we have these artificial friendships that we were sort of spoon fed when we were little, but we also, as we grow up and as we're in maybe our thirties and even in our early forties, we form friendships based around what our kids are doing. So again, it's an artificial situation that we're put in where we have these friends because we're always taking our kids to swim practice, or we're always taking them on field trips. So we get those friends that are sort of like the parents of our kids' friends. And when our kids leave a sport, this was a big one for me when my daughter left her swim teams, I'm like 'wait, those are my friends too!'

Megan Devito:

We sometimes lose our friends, or our kids grow up and their friends change and then maybe we're just not around those people who we spent time with in the past. So we go through that process of, I had these friends and now I don't have these friends. All of these situations can make us feel stuck and sometimes alone. But we are not really stuck in alone and it's just a process of figuring out how to form those new friendships, even if we're not in a situation that is surrounding school or what our kids are doing in their own activities. So you start wondering where is everyone? Where did everybody go? Like, am I weird? Does nobody want to hang out with me? What's going on? Why is this so hard? It was never hard before and it's only because your life situation changed. So if you have an idea like I don't have any idea how to do this, I don't know where to go, I don't know what to do, I don't even know how to talk to people anymore, because it's not that nobody wants to be around you. It's not that you're different than you used to be and it's not that people don't like you. It's just that your life situation has changed because you're not in that artificial place that you were before, where you were constantly put into groups with people who were some of them at least like you. So here's what you're doing now.

Megan Devito:

that's probably keeping you from being able to make the friends that you're looking for. One thing is that you're probably staying home and connecting with people over social media and calling them friends. And, to be clear, I have some friends who I've met on social media who are amazing. I've gone and met them in real life. I have some that we text back and forth, some who are just like super incredible people who I talk to relatively frequently, but they live really far away and that's kind of a bummer. Like I joked around for a long time that some of my best friends were so far away that the internet sucked, but it was also the greatest thing ever because I met these people. You might also have moved far away, so maybe you're good friends from elementary school, middle school, high school, college or whatever. Maybe they're across the country or across the world from you now and they're just the only way that you can talk with them is on social media. Social media is a blessing for that. But if you're looking for friends who you can hang out with, like on a Tuesday night, or if you can say, 'hey, do you want to go watch the game', you're probably looking for people who are closer in, like geographical proximity. That's what I'm going to help you do. This is what I've been helping my coaching clients with.

Megan Devito:

Another thing you might be doing is making yourself busy because you don't have anything else to do. So 'I don't know, I don't have any friends. I guess I'll just work late' or 'I'll just stay home and work on this project at my house'. So you're keeping yourself busy because you want to hang out with friends. But keeping yourself busy is also keeping you from hanging out with friends. And if you're not doing that, you might be actually trying to go out and meet people, but maybe you're just going to the same places over and over but you're not really meeting anyone.

Megan Devito:

So I would picture this like I don't know, I'm going to this thing and nobody's talking to me, or I go in like I'll go out to a bar, or I'll go out to this like coffee shop but nobody comes over to talk to me. I'm there all the time and I haven't met anyone. And that could come with ideas like I'm not good at small talk, or I'll just sit here and nobody's talking to me because they probably think I'm a weirdo or they just are like not that person, or maybe it feels really uncomfortable so, to stay comfortable, you just sit there and drink your coffee and you don't ever like smile and say hello, or you don't say hey, I see you here all the time. Or hey, what's up? My name's Megan. You're not introducing yourself to people because it feels really weird, for sure because you haven't had to do it outside of playing on a playground with somebody. Or introducing yourself to somebody who maybe is a lab partner, which is super easy, like you have to be in the same lab group with them. But it's different when you're an adult, right? Going new places and then giving up one time because nobody talked with you isn't going to help you find friends, because you were like you showed up once and that was it. And if nobody talked with you, that was it. It takes effort.

Megan Devito:

Trying to make friends with coworkers is another thing that I see people doing. I don't know, I have all these coworkers. I could be friends with them, but then you really don't want to hang out with them after work, because then you have to talk more about work. This is something, too, that I think is really such a more of a millennial trait than a Gen X trait. I think I'm more of an Xennial where I can fall into both categories.

Megan Devito:

But if you are like strict Gen X, work is work, and home is home, and if you're millennial, that boundary tends to be a little more blurred for you. We're like no, these people are my friend group and maybe you want to hang out with those people more. Certainly that's not true for everybody in those two generations. But if you are finding that you're like 'I absolutely do not want to hang out with the people I work with, they're not my friends, they're my coworkers', maybe you're a little more Gen X. If you are finding that you're like 'oh, but these people I only want to work with people who I really love', then you're probably a little more millennial. And if you're like me, you might be like well, I mean, there might be one or two people, but I'm cool either way, but if you're not down with hanging with your coworkers, or if your coworkers aren't down with hanging with you, you might feel like it's even harder to find people to connect with. And maybe you just don't want to hang out with people from work, and that's okay. What from work? And that's okay.

Megan Devito:

What has to happen instead, and what you need to do that I can help you with as your coach, is you have to figure out what your values are. You have to know what's important to you and who you want to spend time with. You're not looking for a warm body. There are people walking around with a pulse everywhere, and they're not your friends. That's okay. We're looking for more than that. You're looking for people who you connect with the way you did with your buddy when you were in third grade, and those people are out there. You have to stop telling yourself that they're not, because every time you tell yourself that they're not there, your brain says check got it. They're not there. There's no point in looking. I'll never have friends like that again, and that's just not true. What we have to do instead is we have to change what you're thinking about other people, but also about yourself, and that's really where the deep work happens that I help people figure out.

Megan Devito:

What are you thinking about yourself?

Megan Devito:

Or what are you thinking about going out? What if you did go out somewhere and you had to introduce yourself to someone? What are all the thoughts that come up? Those are the thoughts that are keeping you stuck and from finding friends. So one of the things that we start with is really figuring out your values. What do you love about yourself? What is valuable to you and what's valuable to you? When you think about what someone else is like, what do you value in other people? What kind of friends do you want? Do you want somebody that wants to go out every weekend and party till like 4am and just have like weekend warrior friends? Or do you want somebody that you're just, you want to be able to call and talk on the phone with forever? Do you want somebody that loves their church and who is totally devoted to their faith? Or do you want somebody that you can go and like, do politics with, whatever it is that gets you excited? Those are the people you're looking for. So we have to start with knowing what's valuable.

Megan Devito:

The next thing that I'm going to help you with, I'm going to help you learn to love yourself and to know what you bring to the friendship, because, yes, we want to find other people who have the same values as us, but we also want to be able to count on ourselves, to have our own backs. And I would really emphasize here that we want to make sure that you can be your own friend and to be really excited about who you are before you start collecting other people, because we want people who feel confident. We want people who feel comfortable being themselves. We don't want somebody that's always putting on a show and being like, not to say a fake friend, but somebody that you really can't get to know and that comes with knowing who you are and what you bring to the table as a friend. Why would somebody want to be your friend? Ask yourself that why would somebody want to be my friend? Ask yourself that why would somebody want to be my friend? Now, if you notice that your brain kicks in with a bunch of really nasty stories about you're right. Nobody would, nobody wants to be your friend. That's why you don't have any friends. If that's the stuff going through your head, we need to talk, because those thoughts are keeping you from talking to other people. I'm going to help you find those thoughts. I'm going to help you change the story that you tell about yourself and about why other people would want to hang out with you. Because they totally do. They just haven't met you yet.

Megan Devito:

The next thing we're going to do is we're going to start talking about where would you go to find people like yourself? Not, where would you go to find people like the people you hung out with in high school, or your best friend from elementary school, or the people who you think you want to hang out with. Where would you go if you wanted to hang out with somebody like you? So you're going to make a list of all the places. Where do you like to shop? Where do you like to eat? Where do you worship? Where do you take your kids? Where do you meet coworkers for lunch? Where do you like to go? Like, this place is the coolest dive bar in town.

Megan Devito:

Make a list of all the places that you really love and ask yourself what is it about that place that I like. Like what's the vibe there? What's the feeling I get, why do I like it there? And then we're going to go to those places, maybe alone, maybe with your spouse, maybe with your sibling, it doesn't matter. But we're going to go to those places over and over and over again with the intention of being friendly.

Megan Devito:

And remember this is going to feel uncomfortable because you're putting yourself out there in a new situation that your brain might be telling you isn't really going to be that great. We're going to learn to take that thought that it's not going to be that great and put it in a box and shove it away for a while. And we're going to start intentionally looking each week at what actually went well, how did that go for you? And we're going to build your confidence that you are the person that people want to be friends with. You don't have to go out and look for friends. They're actually going to look for you. I know that might sound crazy right now, but I promise it can happen. If that sounds scary and hard, I get it, because if it was easy, you would already be doing it right now. You wouldn't even be listening to this episode at all you would just be out making friends and having a great time. But my guess is it's not easy, because you're probably wondering why you can't find friends, and you are certainly not the only person, and just the fact that there are so many people asking me about this tells me that y'all are in a great big crowd. You can find those people. You're not the only person looking for friends. There are a lot of you out there and it's going to be okay. You're going to connect with the right people.

Megan Devito:

Okay, this is really where I come in and why you have to stop this episode right now and set up a time for us to have a conversation. There are a couple ways to do this. One is just to go to my website. It's my name Megan Devito, megandevito. com. There's a little tab that says 'work with me'. Click it, scroll down, pick a time on my calendar and let's talk about how I can help you start feeling confident in yourself and feeling really sure that people definitely wanna hang out with you. Another way is just message me. If you're watching this on YouTube, you can leave me a comment, or you can go to my socials Instagram, linkedin, facebook, any of those places and just send me a DM.

Megan Devito:

Hey, I listened to your podcast episode about friends. I could really use some. Great let's find times to get on the phone and talk. Let's talk about what's up. Why do you think you don't have any friends to begin with? What, if that's not true? To start with, we're going to talk about all the things. We'll talk for like an hour about what you want, what you think the problem is, and then we'll talk about what it's like to work together. It's super simple. But stop the episode now and do that before you go any further, because if you're like, 'okay, but I'll do it in a little bit, because I feel shy and I don't feel good about talking on the phone', no, no, no, no, because that thought's going to keep you stuck too! You are ready.

Megan Devito:

If you're watching this, I know you're looking for friends. Don't wait anymore. There's so much fun out there waiting for you. So, okay, after you schedule that, come back. So why? Why would I want to schedule this call? Because you get to know yourself better. Do you really know who you are? Do you know all the things about you, or do you just believe the thoughts that you have about yourself because you've practiced them for so long. Some of those thoughts probably aren't very kind. Let's find the real thoughts, the truthful thoughts, the truth about you that makes you an amazing person. I promise you that sometimes the things that we think are the exact opposite of the truth. I've done it myself. I've said a lot of really crappy things about myself over the years.

Megan Devito:

Let's get to the bottom of what you're saying so you can get to know yourself better. Then let's start growing your confidence and your appreciation for who you are. You as you, not you as the person who you want to be. You as who you are, because who you are is exactly who you're supposed to be. What do you bring to the table? Why would people want to hang out with you? There are tons of reasons, but you have to have confidence and you have to know yourself, to know why, and you have to learn to love yourself and trust yourself.

Megan Devito:

We're going to work on all those things when we work together. You have to learn to feel uncomfortable and leave the anxious trash talking that you do about yourself, about other people, about situations in the past. Those thoughts are holding you back. So let's find those thoughts that are in there, that are keeping you stuck. Let's figure out how they feel inside of your body so that when you notice that feeling, you can recognize that that thought is either untrue, anxious, unkind and it needs to go. You're going to use your body as a guide to help you regulate how anxious you feel, how stressed you feel, or any other emotion that's going on. I'm going to teach you how to do it. Your body is like a barometer or like a notification on your phone. It's telling you everything you need to know. We're going to figure that out when we work together and, of course, you're going to learn how to feel anxious and then use it as that notification that I just mentioned so that you can go out and meet new people and feel completely fine and well on your own too, because that is super important.

Megan Devito:

I want you also to be your own best friend. I don't mean your only friend. I want you to have other friends too, but you have to be your own best friend. If you're not, that's when your rest of your friends are kind of wishy-washy and maybe not the people who you really want to spend your time with. I'm going to get you there, all right.

Megan Devito:

So let's get you to the point where you are out meeting more people and you're not worried about who you are or if they'll like you, because you are totally good. Let's make sure that you're happy with yourself and that you find things that you love to do, that you are willing to go do. 'You know what? If nobody else shows, I am still happy as a cricket to go by myself'. Let's get you there, and then, when everybody else joins you, it, and then when everybody else joins you, it's going to be even better.

Megan Devito:

Let's know your values and let's know things that go way beyond finding friends to help you finding job opportunities or hobbies or bringing your gifts to the world, because I 100% believe that every single person was created with an incredible gift that they are meant to share with the world. I am meant to help people feel less anxious and do big, amazing things, because I really truly believe that everybody has a role to play and that as soon as we find it, as soon as we stop feeling so anxious and start going for it, the world is going to be a better place. You've got that inside of you too. It's waiting for you, and let's just figure out that. When you're not anxious and avoiding all the things you want, that you get more confidence and more good stuff, and life just gets better and better and better. That's what's waiting for you.

Megan Devito:

All you have to do is schedule the consultation message me. Go to my website, megandevitocom. Thank you for listening to this episode or for watching it on YouTube. While you're here, like it, subscribe, leave a review, do all the things to help other people find this so they can make more friends, love themselves and have so much more confidence and fun. You guys, thank you so much. I hope this was helpful. I will talk to you soon. If not this week, then I will be back next week. Take care, I hope you enjoyed this episode of the More Than Anxiety podcast. Before you go, be sure to subscribe and leave a review so others can easily find this resource as well. And, of course, if you're ready to feel more relaxed, have more energy, more confidence and a lot more fun, you can go to the show notes, click the link and talk to me about coaching. Talk to you soon.