Ep 36 - Beyond Avoidance: A Guide to Self-Care and Boundaries

Are you sick and tired of feeling overwhelmed and anxious? 
Are you constantly avoiding uncomfortable situations or emotions? 

In this episode of the More Than Anxiety Podcast, I'm talking about the importance of self-care and setting boundaries so you can stop avoiding people, places, and emotions and start having more confidence and fun.

Key topics in this episode include:

• Understanding Avoidance: Recognizing the patterns and triggers that lead to avoidance.
• The Importance of Self-Care: Prioritizing your needs and practicing self-compassion.
• Setting and Holding Boundaries: Learning to say no and protect your energy.
• Overcoming Fear and Anxiety: Developing strategies that make you more resilient and less anxious.

Enjoy the episode. 

Thanks for listening!

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You know you're overwhelmed, burned out, sick to death of work but also trying to do everyting for everyone at home. TAKE THIS QUIZ to find out why you're so overwhelmed and what to do about it.

Transcript

Welcome to the More than Anxiety Podcast. I'm Megan Devito. and I am a life coach for stressed out and anxious women living with anxiety, who want more out of life. I'm here to help you create a life you love to live, where anxiety isn't holding you back. Get ready for a light hearted approach to managing anxiety through actionable steps, a lot of truth talk and inspiration to take action so you walk away feeling confident in your ability to have more of what you want, without anxiety holding you back. Let's do this.

Welcome to Episode 36. My name is Megan and this is the More Than Anxiety podcast and I'm recording this episode at the end of April 2023. So thanks for listening, and welcome back if you've been here before; if you've not, I'm always super excited when somebody finds this podcast, and gets to listen for the first time. So welcome. and I'm super excited that you're here. I have a really important topic this week and It's been on my mind for quite a while. And for a lot of people who tend to feel anxious or extra anxious and stressed out, it may have started back in 2020 with the lockdowns.  I've had lots of questions about why there's so much more anxiety and stress. I'm going to try and cover that today. So I hope that you are ready for lots of questions and lots of insight onto what's going on in your life and in your brain.
But since getting back to your new normal may have highlighted the issue of feeling stressed and anxious, or maybe wanting to hold some boundaries, because you liked the changes that happened during COVID. Or maybe the boundaries that you created in COVID have stuck around because there's this lingering fear, we're going to talk about all of that. So whether you started to feel more anxious during COVID, or you were anxious before this topic is going to shed some light on how you can hold your boundaries, still take care of yourself, but also feel less anxious, and start to get back to whatever normal is for you, whether that's a new normal, or the old normal that you've been missing. My hope is that we can break down some of the common fears, open your mind to some simple thoughts and options to help you start to feel safe and take care of yourself and feel capable of enjoying your life again. I think we're all ready to enjoy our lives again.
 But the world is on fire, or that's what they say anyway, there is this lingering existential dread that feels like everybody's just hovering, waiting for something to happen. And I think... remember, I'm saying this from my own perspective here... I think what happened was that we got so afraid, that our nervous systems sort of caught on fire, and we went into this lockdown mode to stay safe. And everything felt scary, and we spent far too much time consuming media, and now we're stuck in a bad habit loop. This has been my experience with people when I'm coaching them with anxiety that they get sensitized and suddenly everything feels scary and dangerous, and since there's this hovering existential dread, all around us right now, it makes sense that this is where we are. We're just anxious about so many things because there are so many things to be anxious about. There's constant media attention, whether you're on social media, you're watching the news, wherever. It's like wars, pandemics, the environment, politics, brutality, drugs, whatever else it is that you are picking up on, when you're seeing those things because you were stuck at home and quarantine, or because now you're just all over the internet or all over the news all the time, they're always in your face. We're kind of shell shocked from this constant news and information input mode, most of which is really just bad news. We lost connections with friends. We became hyper-vigilant, we sometimes might have even felt hopeless and alone. Maybe you felt misunderstood, or even crazy for feeling so anxious about things you couldn't control or situations in the world. And maybe it felt like it was out to get you. These are all thoughts that I have heard people tell me that I have also had myself, and this is exactly where we need to start.
And the first thing you need to know is that thoughts are not true. They just make us think that they are when you're trying to get back to normal or trying to create a new normal. In this world that feels maybe a little more dangerous, you have to take a pause and you have to look at what it is that you're actually afraid of, and in order to do that, you have to choose what you want. And you have to learn how to trust yourself. Here are some thoughts that I like to think, or questions that I like to answer when things start to sound like or look like they're going off the rails, and yes, I noticed that too. I am certainly not immune to the anxiety thing. That's exactly why I'm here today. I just have some really great ways to process through it so it doesn't become a problem. I'm going to share these thoughts with you. and I'm just going to offer that you can pause write these down so that you've got a little note card, kind of like a guidebook on how to get through maybe a new cycle, or maybe a spot where you feel like everything just feels too big or too heavy.
So the first question I want you to ask yourself is, "Is there really more bad stuff happening or do you just think there's more bad stuff happening?" Are you more tuned in and more terrified, because you've been on high alert for so long, because anxiety and stress can make it feel really necessary to pay attention so that you're safe or productive. If you've been focusing your brain, on all of the things happening around you, it can definitely feel like things are much worse. But before I was an anxiety coach or a life coach, and before, this is what I did, I taught history. So I'm just here to say that we just know faster and we know more, where I don't really feel like there's that much that's worse than it was in the past. Those are just my thoughts that I have. I'm like, Okay, is there more? Are we just seeing more? Think the answer for me is, I just see more and there's a really simple solution to this guys, you can just put your phone away and turn off the news. I know, don't scream at me, when I say put your phone away. It feels necessary, but that's only because you think that knowing more is keeping you safe. Or you maybe you even like to read it. Maybe you're like Oh, my God, did you see this horrible thing that's happening, because you can kind of get addicted to that feeling of fear, too. But if you have a thought that everything is going to hell in a handbasket, put your phone away and turn off your TV and see how much better the world is in a week, because the idea that knowledge is power is over inflated. Staying in tune to the news or social media makes you hear more scary stuff and become more anxious. But really, you're just more informed. To what end?
Is knowing more really helping you because if you're trying to get to this new normal, and you keep going back to the things that are scaring you, it's gonna be really hard to move forward toward what you want. I want you to take a look at the cost of consuming more and the benefits. How much is too much and what would actually happen if you didn't listen more? Right now you might be preparing for the worst by avoiding the things that make you feel really uncomfortable or that scare you, or that you think might be unsafe, because you feel scared or uncomfortable; and this makes sense. There are lots of reasons for us to avoid things that are uncomfortable, Okay? You might actually have philosophical reasons that could be legitimate. This could be something like I'm not sending my kids to public school. I'm not sending them to a public school, and this could be because I just don't like the idea of them being gone for that many hours in a day. There's so many things I want to do I want to travel I mean, I think that I can do a bang up job at home teaching them about all kinds of things out in the real world. Awesome, you should do that! Or you could say I'm not sending them to school, because I've seen the news and I've seen the trash they teach and I've seen how many, like how dangerous it is, and I've seen the bullying and I've seen what they eat for lunch or whatever it is that comes to your mind. Those might be true. and those might not be true. You might have just seen a news story that piqued your anxiety that made you have an emotional reaction, so you believe that so you might have legitimate reasons to want to do things. I'm just challenging you here to ask yourself why I want to do these things?
You might have an ethical or a values based choice on who you are. That's Okay. Those are really great ways to make choices. This could be something like, I'm only going to eat certain foods, because I just don't think it's right to eat animals. I just it seems wrong to me. If That's your choice, That's great. That's a great reason. But if your thought is mad cow disease, I should probably not eat that or I'm gonna die. That's just you avoiding something that makes you anxious off of something that's really, really, really, really unlikely. Or can I go to work? You don't... let's say you don't like your job, or you're bored at your job. So you just don't go. But what really needs to happen is you just need to look for something different. Something that's exciting to you something that gets you in line with what you feel like your purpose is. But if your idea is I don't go to my job because it makes me feel anxious because I have to have a conversation with my boss. Even though you like your job, that's different, That's avoidance, and that line can get blurry. So let's just clear that up.
Avoiding things that make you anxious or uncomfortable is not the same as taking care of yourself or setting boundaries. It's just using that scary feeling in your body to avoid the things that don't feel good right now and that's not going to help you create the life that you want to live n the other side of the pandemic or whatever it is that caused you to say I need a new normal. What has to happen is, you really have to know yourself more than you know stuff; more than you know information. You have to learn to trust yourself, to know what you need and to know what you don't need. You have to challenge yourself when you really start to feel anxious to do the things that scare you. There's a link in the show notes that goes to my calendar. Or you can just go to my website, It's megandevito.com. and click the work with me button or that little tab at the top and schedule a consultation call. Because coaching is going to help you do all of these things I'm going to share with you and here's how.
The first thing we're going to do to help you get back to normal or to create a new normal is to get really clear on what you value. We're going to talk about what's important to you. Is it important to you to be excited about your job every day? Or is it important for you to have make more money and you don't care if you're excited about your job. Is it important to you to make sure your kids are around a lot of other kids and to have that experience in school, or is it important to you that they have more time at home? That gets to be your decision? There's not a right or wrong answer there. We need to find out what do you want your personal life, your job or your family to look like you get to decide those things. You also get to decide what you don't want your life to look like. And when we think about this, we don't include avoiding things that are sad, or bad or uncomfortable.
When I'm coaching someone we get really clear on that and understand that life is 50/50. And that that balance gives you so much joy, but also pain. You cannot have one without the other. There's this huge thought right now that is paralyzing so many kids that they can't handle anything that feels bad, scary, dangerous, if they're not sure, making the wrong decision, all of those things, locks them down and I've been seeing it in adults as well. We've come to this screeching halt where anything that feels bad is dangerous and that is not the way life works. It is half good and half heavy. and we have to learn to feel all of it. And really, the sooner that we learn to feel those negative emotions, when we feel sad, or scared, or guilty or frustrated or angry or all those things we don't like to feel, we can let those move through more quickly and get on to legitimately feeling joyful or hopeful or all the good things we want to feel. And you get to feel that good sooner and more frequently, because you are allowing yourself to feel everything. That's what makes you human. That's what creates your life. So that is part of what we do when we talk about what you value.
The second thing we can work on is stopping the indulgence of anxiety and negativity. Anxiety and negativity multiply and grow stronger the more that you focus on what scares you. So the more that we listen to the news, the more that we pay attention to the gossip, the more that we pay attention to the things that we fear, the more your brain focuses on those things. And your brain is inherently negative; not to be a jerk, I mean, it doesn't feel good, but the reason is, because if it focuses on the negative, it can catch the things that could kill you, or embarrass you, or push you out of the community. This is like primal caveman stuff. Your brain is looking for everything to go wrong, because It's trying to keep you safe. So what I can help you do is learn what anxiety or negative emotions feel like inside your body and find what your habit is, because you probably have sneaky habits that help you feel better, or to push those feelings away, or to hide away. We get to feel them, we get to listen to them, we get to learn to let them be there so they can just float on out without getting stuck. And we shift your focus with intention to what is good, and to what is already working for you, and to what you want to see. But that takes intentional thinking. Your brain is going to think no matter what. You can't make it stop. Even in meditation, you don't just shut your brain off, it continues to think. The point of meditation is to point it where you want it to look, like you focus on your breath, or you focus on a noise, or you focus on someone's voice. You can focus your brain on what's working on what you want, and what's good, It's going to get side pulled to the things that are bad, you just pull it on that.
The third thing, we can create some self care standards that include boundaries that line up with your goals and your values. This is when we start making big changes. Because if you are doing things that are against your values, or your ethical levels, or your morals or whatever, if you're doing things that are out of line with what's true to you, It's really hard to reach your goals because you're fighting against yourself.
So let's talk about what self care is not. Self care is not cucumber slices on your eyes every single day, or going to the spa every day, or avoiding things that make you uncomfortable or scared. Yes, spa days are fantastic. I love them and rest is super important. But there is so much more to self care than spas, and shopping, and cucumber eyes, and things like that. Self care is not avoiding what makes you uncomfortable because if you're avoiding people just because you're nervous, you're gonna stay stuck. On the flip side, if you're avoiding people who are abusive, or who take advantage of you, who just aren't your people at all, that is self care. But not avoiding your boss, because you have to talk about like, a screw up, you had an a presentation, That's just uncomfortable. And that's kind of like anxious avoidance. Okay, so avoiding taking your kid to the park because you think that people are looking at you, or you're thinking about what you fear, or what else could happen is not self care; that's avoidance. Avoiding the park because it's rainy, or the equipment is unsafe, or you have to go to the dentist instead, that would be self care. That would be like making decisions and putting down boundaries for yourself. Self care is just focusing on what you need to feel strong and to do what you need to do, or what you want to do. You can do this in different ways, though. Okay? 
You could do this mentally. and that's by choosing the things that challenge you, even when you feel anxious. It's about focusing your brain where you want it to go, and doing it anyway: intentional thoughts. You can do this physically by choosing to take care of yourself; choosing to move your body, choosing the healthy foods, choosing to take yourself to the doctor or to get into the shower, or to get a good night's sleep, even when you feel like staying up late. That's self care. There's also emotional self care. and this is feeling difficult feelings, taking the good and the bad together, talking to people who can help you if you're struggling mentally, or emotionally like a therapist or a coach.
The fourth thing that coaching can help you with is learning to trust yourself. This is huge! If you are anxious, you cannot think clearly or tolerate emotional, mental and physical stress when you have been stressed out and anxious for a long time. And if this has been going on for three years now, that is a long time. You will just keep feeling anxious and thinking anxious thoughts as long as you continue to do the same things. We make anxious habits, here's why. You're still alive! Your brain knows it's working, so it just keeps telling you to do the same thing over and over. But trusting yourself comes from learning to be aware of what you're thinking or what you're feeling and learning how you react. It means creating routines based off your values and sticking to them. So go back and listen to episode 33; it's all about routines and we stick with those routines until we see that they're working. We don't just say, "Well, I tried it for a day and then I gave up." We keep going until we see some progress and you find evidence for what you want, no matter what. It's also saying what you think, and learning to do what makes you nervous, because it's in line with what you want and what you already know is true. Your body will tell you if you are headed in the right direction. This is where you say, "Megan, this is  a little woo." But I'm here to tell you that even when you are at your most anxious point and you feel like you're crumbling and terrified, if you can tune into yourself, there is a part of you that knows that you're freaking out. There's also a part of you that knows that you're safe. At my most anxious, there was a teeny tiny, quiet whisper inside of me that knew I was full of shit. I didn't believe it, I believed my thoughts because they were louder than that feeling, but you know the truth. and when you learn to listen to that, you start to be able to go towards what you want. and you start to be able to build that new normal back again, or get your old normal back again because you start taking care of yourself and you know what you need. When you take better care of yourself and you have more confidence and more fun, everything starts to change. This whole coaching process isn't just about you learning how to take care of yourself. Because when you change who you are as an employee, or as a mom or a partner or any other person underneath that hat that you put on, your relationships get stronger, your confidence grows, you know yourself, you trust yourself and you start doing bigger things automatically. Things that you don't even know that you want to do yet because they feel too big or too scary! That thought that seems totally unrealistic right now and like oh my god, I would never do that... Don't be surprised if you just all of a sudden do that and crack up laughing because you had no idea you were capable. That's the kind of stuff that changes, and this all starts with a consultation call.
So go to the shownotes right now, schedule your call, that's also when you go to my website if you want and a guarantee that you will start feeling better, so much faster than you think is possible right now. I would say many if not most of my clients start noticing big time changes and how confident they are, and and how they think in about three weeks. It's that fast! You're gonna have the best summer when you decide to take back your brain and to start doing things with intention, and I'm gonna help you get there. Alright, thanks for listening and I will talk to you on our call or in next week's episode. Take care.
I hope you've enjoyed this episode of The More than Anxiety podcast. Be sure to subscribe and leave a review so others can easily find this resource as well and of course when you're ready to explore coaching with me jump to the show notes click the link and schedule time for us to talk. See you soon