EP 141: The Key To Connecting With Your Kids With Parenting Coach Heather Frazier

Navigating the stormy seas of parenting can often feel like a journey without a map. That's where Heather Frazier, our beacon of light, comes in. In a heart-to-heart, Heather, a seasoned parenting coach, sheds light on the undulating dynamics of raising teenagers. She takes us through her own voyage of discovery, from personal trials to triumphs, offering a treasure trove of wisdom for parents adrift in the tumultuous waters of adolescence. All too familiar with the traps of seeking validation through our children, Heather helps us chart a course toward recognizing their internal victories, the kind that truly shape character.

JUMP RIGHT TO IT:

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0:00 Teen Parenting Relationships Expert Insights

12:42 Value Beyond our Child's Achievements

18:21 Getting to Know Heather

22:18 Parenting Through Control and Communication

35:11 Healing Parent-Child Relationships Through Internal Work

Comment your child’s favorite way to receive love from you as their parent! 

CONNECT WITH HEATHER:

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Website & Book: www.heatherfrazier.com

Instagram - @heatherfraziercoaching

Free 60-minute consult call - https://heatherfrazier.com/apply/

How To Stop Arguing With Your Teen - https://heatherfrazier.com/stop-arguing-with-your-teen/

Heather’s Favorite Cake (Texas sheet cake): https://tastesbetterfromscratch.com/the-best-texas-sheet-cake/ 

Revitalize your faith and fitness with a morning routine that does not sacrifice your sleep and does start each day with God's Word and a workout. Join the community today at www.earlymorninghabit.com 

Contact The Show!

Website: http://www.ahnafulmer.com
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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Hello and welcome back to another episode of the Imperfectly Empowered podcast. I am Anna Fulmer, featured on ABC and published in Holistic Life magazine. Heather Frazier, author of how I Fixed my Teen and host of the Pivot Parenting podcast, is a successful life coach who specializes in parent teen relationships. Here to share her expert advice on connecting with your teen. Meet parenting coach Heather Frazier. Well, welcome to the podcast.

Speaker 2: 0:30

Thank you. I'm really excited to be able to chat today. It's going to be awesome.

Speaker 1: 0:35

Yeah, where are you from when?

Speaker 2: 0:37

do you guys?

Speaker 1: 0:38

live. I'm in Utah, how about you? Okay, we're in Lancaster, pennsylvania. Oh nice, we lived in the US for a while. Okay, yeah, we're at that point in the weather, at least in Pennsylvania, where you're never sure you could wake up and it could be 60 or it could be a blizzard.

Speaker 2: 0:57

It was a blizzard here yesterday, but it's like 45 already this morning, so yeah, yeah, yeah, we never know.

Speaker 1: 1:03

We never know. You never know. Um, I love reading your expertise specifically with teen relationships. There's a lot of life coaching out there and I get excited when people specialize in an area because we're kind of in a very like um the self-help not that this is a bad thing at all, but there's so much now where at times it almost becomes saturated and it's like really encouraging when we see people in really specific areas who are niching down, because I feel like there's so much power then in focusing um on those specific relationships. But I would love to press the rewind button a little bit and here your story and how you even got to this place of um specializing in teen parenting relationships yes, I had always looked forward to being a mom, specifically the teen years.

Speaker 2: 2:03

I love babies, but I also love sleep and fun conversations and being able to travel, like all the good things.

Speaker 2: 2:11

I love babies and I was really looking forward to midlife actually, and it was rolling out and it was not what I wanted my kids. I had always gotten along well with them as little kids. I was a good mom of little kids. And then my teenagers, you know, my oldest started turning 13, 14, and she was so argumentative and she had what I felt like such contempt toward me and I didn't know what I was doing wrong and it just it really put me in a bad tailspin of I was just. I was just like I'm. I must be awful, something's wrong with me. Why can't, why don't my kids like me? Um, and so, like any good parent, I tried to win their favor and manipulate the situation so that they would be nice to me. Yeah, and it didn't work.

Speaker 1: 3:08

Yeah, yes, yeah, but it's so easy to do Like what you're saying is. It's so easy as a parent to hear that and be like I don't do that, but we do it. We do it because you're right. We all fundamentally want to be liked, if we're being honest, especially the people in our home, because it also makes life easier if you're liked and you're listened to.

Speaker 2: 3:28

Well, and it's a huge validation too, of that's right, like my kid is nice to me and likes me and obeys me and, you know, is doing all the things. I say this is a good idea and they're like yes, mom, that is a good idea, yeah.

Speaker 1: 3:44

And teenagers don't usually do that. They're like whatever you don't get it, yeah, yeah. Or, in my case, I have a six year old who doesn't do it. So yeah, exactly, she is preparing me very well, you had. So give us the layout of your kids, of your family.

Speaker 2: 4:01

Yeah, I have a daughter who's almost 23 now, and so this whole process started over a decade ago for me. And then my son is 20 and he's in college in China, actually, which is super fun. Wow, that is cool. And then, yeah, and then I have a 15 year old and a 13 year old Wow. So I kind of run the whole gamut Two adult kids, two teenagers. So I've launched kids. I've gone through puberty now multiple times.

Speaker 1: 4:35

Yes, yes, yes, we are just entering that my oldest is 11. Yeah, my son's nine and my third is six, and then we're adopting our fourth.

Speaker 2: 4:46

Very nice.

Speaker 1: 4:47

But I'm curious too, like your first two are girl, boy Also in, did you feel like you had to adjust due to? I mean, not only can personalities be different, but did you see like a difference even just at least for your kids, in gender, like where there are inherent differences that you saw in your kids, or more personality it?

Speaker 2: 5:11

was more personality. I mean, my son loved video games, but now my girls love video games, so you could say that that's more gender specific. But no, I think more than gender plays into it is just the personality of each kid. At least that's my experience.

Speaker 1: 5:33

Yeah, yeah, I think everyone, yeah. And then when you first started hitting, you mentioned this idea of validation. I think, before we even tap into specific strategies on healing that relationship, for some people it is healing, you know. They feel so fractured in their relationship with their teen. For some of us, it's we're getting there or like we're just starting to enter that journey. So we'll talk about strategies and your expertise there. But I think it's worth honing in just for a second on your thoughts about this concept of our kids' behavior as validating us as women because I think this is something that is too often missed in our lives is we don't, yeah, we have a hard time separating ourselves from the behavior of our kids, and how do we and our worth, how do we address that? So tell us a little bit about how you felt in those years for the mom who might feel that now, and then steps that you changed in your own mindset and life to overcome that narrative.

Speaker 2: 6:48

Yeah, those are a lot of questions and really valuable ones A lot of questions.

Speaker 2: 6:53

Yeah. So we are taught through society and culture to look around and decide if we're good enough you know the beauty industry markets to that Are we good enough? And as parents, then we also see our children very much as an extension of us, and so is our child good enough? Are they representing the family well? Are they making good enough choices and being respectful to their elders and all the things that we want our kids to do so that everybody sees that we're doing a good job?

Speaker 2: 7:30

And so it's almost like we use our children in a way to prop up our own sense of self. So we see this like on Instagram. You know, my kid was starting quarterback for the football team, or I'm so excited that my daughter is valedictorian, or all the different things and in and of itself, like, of course we want to celebrate each other and our family's successes. But I've had clients where they're like I don't want to post what this one kid is doing so well, because my other teenager is the opposite. And so it's almost like this hierarchy of using our kids to decide if we're good enough, if we're not good enough, especially for women men women, I guess, can have their careers to do the same, or their physical appearance or their socioeconomic status. We use all of these things to decide if we're okay and it's really important to recognize that we are all of infinite worth.

Speaker 2: 8:49

Even you hold a brand new baby, they can't do anything for themselves, they have zero accomplishments.

Speaker 2: 8:55

We don't even know how smart they are or if they will be able to talk or walk or not. They're just like this little seedling of potential and we hold them and feel their worth. We are all of that same infinite worth, and it doesn't matter if we are in a hospital bed, in a vegetable state or we're a newborn or we are a leader of a company or a nation or a celebrity All the same worth, it doesn't matter. And when we can really own and feel that I am a good mom or a good dad and I am a good person and I am of infinite worth, and so is my child, it doesn't matter if they may or may not graduate or if they are the bully or whatever is going on with them. They are also of infinite worth and we don't need to look around to see well, that family is doing it better. We look inward and say I'm doing all that I can. Today I have 10% and I gave all 10% yeah and when, and that brings great peace, freedom.

Speaker 1: 11:28

And we can really.

Speaker 2: 11:29

You know, it is freedom because then we're like okay, so if I am of infinite worth and my child is of infinite worth, and so are all these other people's kids, then what do I want to do next? How can I love and show up and what sounds fun to me and what sounds exciting and growth inducing, and all of the good things that fulfill, that actually fulfill our life, instead of chasing the appearance of a fulfilled life? They're very different.

Speaker 1: 11:58

They are really different and I think it releases the pressure. I think that's what you know. If we could put one word to what so many women feel, especially as moms, I think it's pressure. It's pressure to look a certain way, it's pressure to achieve a certain amount, it's pressure for our kids to look a certain way and achieve whatever fill in the blank. And, like you just said, it's when you can embrace that infinite value there is, there's freedom, and then there's a release of that pressure.

Speaker 1: 12:24

And you know you mentioned social media and just to hone in on that specific example, you know I think the challenge for us is to start. So how, then, do we practically apply that? If we're just going to use, like, the social media example, you know it's the idea of being able to see the value beyond just the external achievements. It's like, so the one kid is doing maybe better in school, or is the starting quarterback, but maybe the other kid who's not doing as well in school, maybe they have that moment of kindness and empathy for another kid that no one else sees and you get to see it. And if you really feel like you need to give kids you know your kids a shout out on Instagram. Maybe that's what needs to be highlighted because that is just as valuable as the starting quarterback achievement. Or it's this idea of like starting to value more than just the external achievements and build that up in our kids, just even in the littlest ways.

Speaker 2: 13:27

Yeah, I think that it's a, and there's nothing inherently wrong with social media. In my opinion, it depends on how you use it.

Speaker 1: 13:37

It's just a vehicle.

Speaker 2: 13:39

Yeah, it's just a vehicle. So if you're following a lot of influencers that make you feel bad about yourself, well, why don't you follow Nat Geo and like, watch whales and look at beautiful things? Like we can use the instrument any way that we choose, that's right, but I think that it's really important using like the star player versus the kid that's struggling. Those are, again, both just surface appearances, and so it might be like hard to say, well, you're so smart, or you're so we might. We might struggle to know how to approach if we're looking at surface Right, but it's.

Speaker 2: 14:24

We want to train our kids that it's not the surface. So instead of saying you're so beautiful, you're so smart, we can say you're so hardworking, you're so dedicated, you're so loyal, you're so strong and brave. And then we are calling on something deeper than what those items, what those characteristics, can produce. Yeah, but we're focusing on what actually is the most valuable thing. You have such grit, you haven't been doing well and you're still hanging out Like trying your best, and that takes a lot of grit, and grit is more important than success, because grit eventually leaves to success.

Speaker 1: 15:11

Yeah, or even just redefining some of these terms. I mean, we you know you mentioned the word beautiful Like what is beauty truly? I mean, let's just tap into that for a second with our girls. You know, I think there are certain things that we need to be calling out as beautiful more, because no?

Speaker 2: 15:27

by the world standards.

Speaker 1: 15:30

Somebody may not be considered aesthetically beautiful, but what is beauty? So then, let's redefine it Right, like let's push back on that societal standard and let's start, you know, calling out what is truly beautiful the kindness, the moment of kindness, the moment of empathy, the moment of generosity, you know, yeah, and helping to define that, like you are beautiful because of this infinite value and it was expressed in this really gorgeous way when you comforted your classmate when he fell down, like that was beautiful and that, you know, is what makes you so beautiful. It's like trying to also help redefine what is success, what is beauty, you know, for our children, like you are saying, and help them see that infinite value Express and then also being able to see it in others.

Speaker 2: 16:23

You know we have one of our kids is the bully.

Speaker 1: 16:26

One of ours is the bully.

Speaker 2: 16:29

And it's been very, very humbling and you know so.

Speaker 1: 16:32

It's also seeing and she's made a ton of progress. But there's also an empathy there that she is able to understand other kids making bad choices, because she struggles with that, and so it's been really good for our other kids to have to grow in their empathy and recognize, just because the kid is constantly getting in trouble or is in detention, to be seeing all of the amazing things about that kid as well, to be looking deeper and growing that yeah, growing that awareness, so that they can see, well, I don't always make good choices either.

Speaker 1: 17:06

Yeah, absolutely so like you said, starting with the inside and then being able to change the lens that we see ourselves.

Speaker 2: 17:13

So it changes the lens by which we see other people as well, yeah, when we label ourselves or our children or their teachers, it really isn't helpful, because that's making a multifaceted person very one dimensional.

Speaker 2: 17:30

Yeah, and there's a reason why your daughter's bullying, or why kids are susceptible to bullies, or why they're getting straight as, or why they're struggling, and that's the more relevant piece is instead of saying, well, my kids the troublemaker or my kids the golden child both can be really damaging we want to be like oh well, my kid is behaving this way, and then they're separate, and this is who my kid is, and they're separate, yeah, absolutely Well.

Speaker 1: 18:06

And also helping them recognize because I mean, I've seen this for most of my life, including in my own life that oftentimes our strengths become our weaknesses Totally. You know, it is often, you know, even with my kids like their strengths are also what then turns into their greatest struggle. And so it's being able to fully own the mess and call it what it is but then also fully own the beauty that is going to come from that, as we continue to grow in those strengths, is yeah, yeah, but we have to start with ourselves. Like you said, it's really hard to parent that way if we're not doing it in our own lives.

Speaker 2: 18:48

Yeah, because we project whatever we're feeling and experiencing and the lens in which we see ourselves in the world. We project that onto our child.

Speaker 1: 18:57

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Yep, absolutely yeah. We, in a minute we are going to dive into Heather's expert advice on connecting with your teen, but before they do that, we're going to get to know her a little bit better. We're going to play a speed round of would you rather? Ooh, she didn't know this was coming. I'm so excited. I love this. Okay, would you rather play a card game or a board game?

Speaker 2: 19:22

Board game. Do you have a favorite board game? Settlers of Catan.

Speaker 1: 19:28

Yeah, we love settlers. Have you ever played Dominion? It's kind of a similar.

Speaker 2: 19:32

Yeah, yes, or Ticket to Ride.

Speaker 1: 19:34

Yeah, that's another one, or I'm blanking on the other one that we play a lot. It's also similar to settlers. Yeah, I'll think of it in a minute. They're both good. I like card games too. Yeah, we like strategy games. Basically is what I'm hearing.

Speaker 2: 19:48

Yeah, have you ever played Bandido? No, it's a card game.

Speaker 1: 19:53

I've never played that one.

Speaker 2: 19:54

And it's a team. Everybody who's playing is against the board. It's really fun.

Speaker 1: 19:59

Oh, that is fun. Oh, I'll have to mark that one down. I'm going to edit it and mark that one down. Bandido, yeah, so are you going to be under the water skiing or scuba diving, scuba diving.

Speaker 2: 20:11

You'd rather be under the water. I hate being splashed in the face.

Speaker 1: 20:15

Oh, okay, no, I do actually get that. That is a real thing. Would you rather be in a pool or a hot tub, hot tub.

Speaker 2: 20:29

I'm always cold.

Speaker 1: 20:31

Yes, it's so funny. I realize there's this whole world of people that are like hot tubs, gross them out. Yeah, like they have this thing with hot tubs. I didn't know that was.

Speaker 2: 20:41

Oh, I have my own, so I can maintain it nicely.

Speaker 1: 20:44

Yes, Do you know that it's not gross? Yeah, yeah. I found that so fascinating. I don't like them because I get so lightheaded, but I can understand why some people love them. Yeah, I hate being cold. Yeah, I'm with you there. I mean, I would like a heated pool. Yeah, that would be my dream. Would you rather go to a musical or a play?

Speaker 2: 21:10

Oh, they kind of feel one in the same to me, I don't know, probably like a Broadway musical. Yeah, do you have a favorite?

Speaker 1: 21:19

A Phantom, of course. Yeah, I love that one too. Yeah, my daughter's really into musicals and she's not seen that one yet, but I love that one. Yeah, I love that one for when they bring it back. Yeah, I've actually never been to Broadway, which is crazy.

Speaker 2: 21:35

Me, neither Me, neither. Yeah, oh really, I've seen local like I've been to San Francisco and other, but never like New York.

Speaker 1: 21:43

Yeah yeah, the city's so much work. Would you rather cake or pie? Cake Pie's gross. Do you have a favorite? Pie is gross. Pie is so gross. Pie is so gross.

Speaker 2: 22:01

That's so funny Okay what's your favorite cake, then?

Speaker 1: 22:03

That's especially pumpkin. These are fighting words, people, these are fighting words. She's throwing it down. I know I am I'll eat pumpkin cookies.

Speaker 2: 22:10

I'll eat, oh interesting.

Speaker 1: 22:11

Maybe it's a texture.

Speaker 2: 22:15

It's totally a texture thing. Yeah, favorite cake either like cheesecake or like Texas sheet cake. Wait, what's a Texas sheet cake? I don't know. Oh girl, I got to send you the recipe. It's so good. It's like thin, but it's not box. You can't have box cake, right? Yeah, it's thin and with like a warm icing. It's really good, okay.

Speaker 1: 22:39

It sounds. Yeah, Send it. It looks very unassuming. Okay, it looks very unassuming but it is fire. It sounds delicious. Yeah, sounds delicious, but then I also like pumpkin pie, so Jury's out. I'm sure I love the zone.

Speaker 2: 22:55

A lot of people like it. I still love them.

Speaker 1: 22:58

Yeah, one of the things that you say I think it was either on your book website or on your website, but I love this line. You said you were grasping for any control, I could find which just incited more pushback from my kids, and I think this is an interesting line because I have also found, depending on kids' personalities, that's also one of the reasons that the kids are pushing back, because they are also struggling with control, yes, and they want to be in control, and so it's just like this battle for control. And so I'm curious to just start there, because, at least in my experience, this is kind of the heart of it Just steps to sort of recognizing that in ourselves and moving past that to even enable ourselves to work on these other strategies.

Speaker 2: 23:58

If you keep thinking if they would just, they would just listen to my advice, if they would just keep their clean room, if they could get their homework done on time, that would be so nice. If they would just. That's like a huge indicator that you're wanting to control. And the other huge indicator is if you're taking what they're doing personally, so like you find out that your kid has been sexting or doing other things and you feel like you have failed, like I didn't teach them well enough, I didn't monitor them well enough I should have known any of that kind of business and you're probably feeling really white knuckled.

Speaker 2: 24:45

Like on the steering wheel of their life. The crazy thing is is going back to what we said earlier is we're literally trying to calibrate our sense of self against our kid, and so and that's why we need to control them, because that is how we prop our sense of self up Is, if you know they have friends that we like and if they're doing all the things and when, when we really can let go of our grip, then that's when we can loosen our control, because we don't need them to validate us anymore, and then we can have really good. Because what happens is either parents will either completely withdraw, like I failed and there's nothing else I can do here, so like just I'm out, or they'll become like passive, aggressive or overtly aggressive, trying to get their kid to yield, and that just creates collateral damage. Whereas, like, if you find out your kid is sexting somebody, then and and you're you're not in your own headspace of I suck so bad Then it's like okay, so this is like what the school found, or this is what we found.

Speaker 2: 26:02

And like what's going on with you? How can I help you? And like where, where? What were you hoping to accomplish in this? Like, what was your thought process so I can better understand. And do we need to get you in to see somebody so that you can have a higher self esteem? So you're not doing this and that that blows is damage rather than blows it up. But we have to not make it about us, yeah, and so when we release control, we actually gain more control because we're in control of ourselves, which means we're going to be our very best parent self In all the weird situations our teens going to put us through. And when we're our best self, then we are in a much better position to help them, to not freak out all over them. And then you know that's an invitation for them to be like oh, I trust that mom isn't going to lose her mind.

Speaker 2: 27:03

And so maybe I'll tell her, maybe I'll let her in, because I'm in this really hard position. I don't know what to do and I don't know who to talk to. And if you have this level of well, she doesn't freak out, she doesn't yell, she doesn't cry, she doesn't like take my phone and you know whatever. Like she just is a good listening ear and yeah, I've had consequences, but like I kind of deserved them and we talked through you know, then you actually are getting more control, but you have to release control in order to find real.

Speaker 2: 27:40

It's like holding onto the steering wheel of like a dummy, like you know the carnival rides where there's a steering wheel but it doesn't actually do anything. Yeah, that's what parents think they have to hold on to, but really you actually just there's nothing there to control, you have to just let go.

Speaker 1: 27:57

Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1: 27:59

And what I'm hearing you say and I think this is, I think this is absolutely right at all ages is I think sometimes we're too slow to ask questions, we're too quick to give our thoughts, to make assumptions and to even just like preach you know, like whether it even be like good things, like you can do it, Like when your kid, you know, expresses a low self worth or something that is sounding kind of and it's not bad to be like, no, you've got this, but to also be like tell me more, you know, or what's on your mind, Like extending that so that there is a sense of opportunity, like the doors left open, as opposed to statements that shut doors, even if they're good ones, and that's good to give them.

Speaker 1: 28:52

But making sure that we're asking my two favorite phrases. I always tell people I'm all about asking better questions. I think it's one of the secrets to success in life and I think with kids, really with anyone two really easy phrases are tell me more or what's on your mind Super open ended questions and maybe the answer maybe they won't, but they're general enough that kids can then just like yeah, and never use the word.

Speaker 2: 29:17

Why Don't say why?

Speaker 1: 29:21

Which I do all the time. I do all the time. Let's just be honest.

Speaker 2: 29:25

I'm like yeah, it's low key, triggering for all of us, and so just asking how, or like, using other words. So how does that make sense, or can you explain this to me?

Speaker 1: 29:40

Or I'm curious, it doesn't make sense.

Speaker 2: 29:42

I'm curious about this. Can you explain more? Yeah, yeah, yeah, or I'm confused. I'm really confused because I know that you're honest and this doesn't mean that one all the time.

Speaker 1: 29:55

My kids would just think I live confused. Well, it's true.

Speaker 2: 29:58

I do, I do. They already think they're smarter than us, so it's playing to their ears. So they'll just like open right up.

Speaker 1: 30:06

It really is true, though, and I will say this is I'm stating the obvious, but, like, no matter what age your kids are, guys, for those of you listening like, just start this young, just start this young like this, this practice of asking your kids questions and giving them the space to say what they're really thinking and feeling and earning their trust.

Speaker 2: 30:24

Never say like you're hurting my feelings? They're not. Yeah, you're. You're wounding your ego by making it about you Like they're not hurting your feelings, yeah. But another thing, going back to what you just said, it's really important when we want to talk to our kid, we have like one or two sentences, like maybe 30, maybe 60 seconds of impact, and then everything that we say after that is for our benefit, because we want to drive it home until they're like oh yes, I agree and I now see your perspective and fully embrace it.

Speaker 1: 31:05

That's not gonna happen. Say that one more time. Say that one more time because that's so good. Say that again.

Speaker 2: 31:09

You have like one or two sentences that they'll hear and everything after that is for your benefit, not theirs. So be very concise, say it very briefly and then stop and don't say anything and see how it lands. And you can even say do you want to talk more about it? What are your thoughts about that? And get them to respond. Lecturing does no good, they just they'll dial you out. And if you want to have more of an impact, you have one or two sentences. Get your impact in and then listen and ask questions and then maybe you'll get another sentence in.

Speaker 2: 31:56

Sometimes I just like to ask like how it made sense to them or their perspective, especially if it's the two and I having an interaction of like you know them wanting a later curfew, or like if it's them not like something school or friend related, and I'll say, okay, I, this is how I see your perspective, and I'll repeat it back to them and they'll say yes or no, and I'll get it, I'll get it right. And then I'll say do you want to hear my perspective? And sometimes they say yes and sometimes they say no, and if they say yes, I make it very short and concise and if they say no, I'll say offers on the table if you change your mind and then leave it.

Speaker 1: 32:40

Yeah, and it doesn't mean there aren't I mean speaking at least for my household. It doesn't mean there aren't still consequences, right Like if there was a bad choice made, there's still consequences. But it's like you know the yes, like what you're saying. The danger is you just dole out the consequences, say your piece, end of conversation, but then it's like you just missed. Yeah Well, like you're saying all that opportunity to hear their perspective and open that door for further. Yeah, you don't want to talk at your kid.

Speaker 2: 33:10

Yeah, you want to talk with your kid and if they're not talking back like responding, you're talking at them. So stop. Like it's not helpful, so hard to do. Like right it is hard.

Speaker 1: 33:21

This is hard. I have little lawyers in my home, so my girls are basically the lawyers of our house and so this is so hard. It really is Like there's times I just have to like sip it. No, I'm the mom, just stop.

Speaker 2: 33:34

Well, and sometimes they'll do it to us Like they'll. My son was the same way, and he would follow me around and just hound me until he got what he wanted. Yeah, right. And so my husband actually came up with a really great phrase, which is insert previous statement. Like I already said, no, you know the reasons why you cannot, like buy another $80 skin or whatever. Right, like the answer is no. Insert previous statement Like the conversation is now over. I have repeated your perspective back to you. I know your thoughts on it. What you want, yeah, and still the answer is no. Yeah, and like we can talk about other things, but this is now off the table. Like we can teach them that skill too.

Speaker 1: 34:22

Yeah, Like I understand, and no, yeah and no, as I said, insert previous statement, which was no, yeah, yeah, so and I just love that. I think you know. Let's just all embrace the reality that parenting is hard. Right, if we need to say that I definitely don't have all the answers by any stretch, which is why I have people like Heather on it, I can learn. I do agree completely that number one letting go of control, opening up the door with a general questions, it's not in replacement of consequences for our actions, but trying to keep an open narrative, I do think is essential.

Speaker 1: 35:07

And you, there's multiple steps that you have that you coach people through. What would you say practically, are there strategies that come to mind that you feel like have been pretty consistently successful for parents when it comes to healing or improving or maybe preventing a bad relationship? Right, like for me, I'm hoping to help smooth the path. I fully recognize it'll be tough, depending on where we're at in the journey, but what practical strategies do you have, whether it be via social media, cell phones fill in the blank, any type of strategies that you have.

Speaker 2: 35:47

I'm going to wrap a few thoughts in this for you. Your comment about how I definitely don't have all the answers and a lot of parents do want, like when they roll their eyes at me tell me what to do when I find out they've been sneaking out. Tell me what to do when they come home and their heart has been stomped on. Tell me how to fix it.

Speaker 1: 36:12

Thank you.

Speaker 2: 36:13

Thank you. That's kind of impossible, although some people try it. They try to write books or say, well, here's what you need to do. But it goes deeper than that because, again, that's like surface it's what can be seen. But actually the heart of where we need to address is always what is within, that cannot be seen.

Speaker 2: 36:40

And so we really want to look at principles rather than behaviors. And so the principle would be I am going to fiercely love myself and my child and my family and then, or whatever you find most valuable for me that's what it is Like I'm going to try my best to unconditionally love everybody in the story of my life, and that is hard, but that's the principle that I live by. And so then, when they come home and their hearts been stomped on and they're just weeping in my arms which has happened right, I know that saying it could be worse or he didn't deserve you, that doesn't feel good. So I'm not going to say that right, because I don't like when people say that to me. I just want somebody to cry along with me when I feel like that. I don't want anybody to jump in and fix it or try and diminish it.

Speaker 2: 37:45

And so when you ask what tool or what thing I kind of could see the thing that I really like, and this sort of radiates throughout my book and my book how I Fixed my Teen. There's a nine step process and within these nine steps is the principle of like a me problem versus a them problem and really being clear on if it's if I'm behaving this way because I can't control myself or my triggers and I'm like adding, at my kid, or if I'm parenting from my highest self because I love them and it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with how I can help them. So if you're yelling at your kid, that's a me problem. You need to remove yourself from the situation and look at why you're yelling and what is happening within you and heal that so that you can go interact with your teen in a way that's helpful to them instead of destructive.

Speaker 1: 39:07

What? Yeah, I love that. And what I'm hearing is that how I fix my teen. This is not the subtitle, but what I'm hearing is like really, I fix my teen by fixing myself is what I'm hearing. It's like almost turning it around and being like.

Speaker 2: 39:22

It is a little of a bait and switch. I'll be honest.

Speaker 1: 39:25

Yes, yeah, yeah. Which is it makes sense?

Speaker 2: 39:28

It does because that's the parent that I want to help is the one that thinks that their teen is causing their pain. I promise you it's not your teen. Now they might be in rehab for the third time and, yes, that is going to be painful and no parent is going to be like fine with that. But there's that raw pain of like my child is hurting versus and I suck and I failed them and they're screwed. They're going to die young, they're not going to have a good life. That icky compounding pain that we layer on top. That can all be cleaned away so that you can just be with your child wherever they're at, in a way that is comforting to both of you while you're working through the pain of whatever circumstance you find yourself in.

Speaker 1: 40:30

And that's the concept of the book, is that?

Speaker 2: 40:34

right.

Speaker 1: 40:34

Yes, like that's what the book is ultimately. Who would you say your book is best positioned to serve? Like are there certain moms that, when you think of this book, like, I mean I'm sure we could all benefit as moms, but is there, especially like the mom who is in a specific situation, that you feel like this is especially who this book is written for?

Speaker 2: 40:53

Yes, the moms who feel like they have failed, like all is lost, like there's no hope or turnaround, and the mom who feels like she's tried everything and nothing is working.

Speaker 1: 41:11

And I'm thinking that could be a mom who might not even have a teen. Absolutely, I've had moms with an adult child, yeah.

Speaker 2: 41:18

I've had moms who are like, well, my oldest is four, but she's really strong-willed, so I ordered 100%.

Speaker 2: 41:24

Oh, I mean yep, yes, and adult children too, because life has a way of waiting for us wherever we're at. And so if we haven't learned the lesson of loving and accepting ourselves and not using things beyond us to create our sense of self or safety, then this book is for you, because that's exactly what it teaches. Dads can get a lot from this book. People who don't have children can get a lot from this book, just because it really.

Speaker 2: 42:03

I'm so focused in my practice on the internal, because you can't, you cannot. Nobody has a crystal ball or tarot cards that say well, tomorrow somebody's going to cut you off and you're going to get in a car accident and then, like, your mother's gonna call you and this is what she's gonna say to you. We can't predict what will come, but we want to scramble for a sense of safety and knowing how to do things when really there are too many variants like we'll never be able to say well, in this situation, you do this, in this situation, you do this. But when we love and accept ourselves, when we really learn how to unconditionally love and make peace and understand our emotional world, come what may, you're equipped.

Speaker 1: 43:05

It sounds like a book helping moms to learn to find freedom in letting go is what I'm hearing. It's like learning to let go.

Speaker 2: 43:13

In a lot of ways.

Speaker 1: 43:13

yes, yeah, a lot of ways. Yes, this is beautiful.

Speaker 2: 43:17

Yeah, and I share. I share my journal entries. I've got my little journal right here and I have entries in it that I, unedited, put into this book of some of my very darkest times and how I made sense of them and how I pulled myself out of it and learned from it. So, yeah, anyone with a human brain can learn from it, but it is especially, I think, pointed for moms who just really are heartbroken.

Speaker 1: 43:58

Yeah, yeah, it's beautiful. It's almost like a pen-pow letter from another mom. Yeah, is what I'm hearing. So for those of you interested in her book, we'll make sure that the links are included in the show notes how I Fixed my Team by Heather Frazier, and you can also check out her website. Heather, where Can People Find you? Learn more about you? You also do virtual consults and we'll make sure the links to those are included. But tell us a little bit where people can find you.

Speaker 2: 44:28

The best place is my website. It's the home of everything me and it's just heatherfraziercom. Frazier is spelled with a Z-I in the middle, not like the TV show. My podcast is on there as well as all the podcast platforms. My book is on there and then applications to work with me and more information about me. I do two group programs throughout the school year. They begin in the fall and end in the spring. Or parents of seniors, because senior year is super tricky.

Speaker 2: 45:02

Yeah, brilliant yeah. And parents of like junior high, middle school kids, because that's kind of when everything you're like who is this kid living in my house and what have they done with my little sweetie pie? Yeah, that's really. And then I also take clients privately, one-on-one, and we work together weekly and I have the best clients and they are doing fantastic work.

Speaker 1: 45:27

I love that. Yeah, this will definitely be on my speed dial in about two years. We're getting there, I got you. Heather, yes, here we go. It's a village, it takes a village. It does it was such an honor to have you. I pray God's blessing over your heart, your home, your family, your amazing kids. Thank you for the way that you are Really empowering women to love unconditionally.

Speaker 2: 45:51

Yeah, thank you. I've loved our conversation and being here.