imPERFECTly emPOWERed®

Transforming Self-Doubt Into Strength With Mount Kilimanjaro Adventurer Simone Knego

July 16, 2024 • Ahna Fulmer • Season 3

Share episode

ABOUT THIS EPISODE:

What happens when an unplanned adventure turns into a life-changing experience? Join us as Simone Knego shares her unexpected journey of climbing Mount Kilimanjaro, an endeavor that not only tested her limits but also became a catalyst for overcoming deep-seated self-doubt. Encouraged by her husband, Simone's story is one of resilience, teamwork, and stepping out of comfort zones to achieve personal growth. Along the way, she bravely discusses the emotional scars from an abusive relationship in high school, shedding light on the broader issue of emotional harm faced by women and the importance of embracing discomfort to build resilience.



JUMP RIGHT TO IT:

6:55 Overcoming Self-Doubt and Building Confidence

26:02 Building Confidence Through Small Changes

36:02 Self-Care is Not Selfish



CONNECT WITH SIMONE:

Facebook/Instagram/LinkedIN: @simoneknego

Website: www.simoneknego.com 

Buy the book: https://amzn.to/4aVweVj

Revitalize your faith and fitness with a morning routine that does not sacrifice your sleep and does start each day with God's Word and a workout. Join the community today at www.earlymorninghabit.com 


Contact The Show!

Website: http://www.ahnafulmer.com
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@imperfectlyempoweredpodcast
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ahnafulmer/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ahnadfulmer

Speaker 1:

Hello and welcome back to another episode of the Imperfectly Empowered Podcast. I am your host, ana Fulmer. Simone Canego is an international speaker and award-winning author of the bestselling book the Extraordinary Unordinary you. She is co-host of the Daughter Dearest Podcast, where she shares insights and stories that resonate with listeners worldwide. Alongside her daughter, olivia, simone is passionate about sharing her experience climbing Mount Kilimanjaro to empower others with the impact of a simple mindset shift, featured on ABC, nbc and CBS.

Speaker 1:

Welcome two-time TED Talk speaker, resiliency expert and worldwide adventurer, simone Canego, your story is so fun, I love. I was going through your website and I love your book, the Extraordinary Unordinary you, and one of the things that really stood out to me was this concept of multiple places. You talk about this idea of the simplicity of a mindset shift and we're going to dive into that a little bit. But I would love to just press rewind and hear how you even got to the place where you were scaling heights like Mount Kilimanjaro. I mean, not too many people to my knowledge in the world can say they've checked that off the bucket list. I mean, I haven't looked at the stats recently, but I'm guessing it's not tons and tons of people.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I don't think it's too many people, and I have to say that it really actually wasn't a bucket list item. It was one of those things that I want to say fell in my lap, but my husband. My husband was asked to do it, so a friend of his had climbed it the year before with the Livestrong Foundation, so they were raising money, and so we asked my husband, would you be interested? And my husband said one, two, three, no, thank you. Why don't you call Simone and they called me.

Speaker 1:

Oh, that's so funny.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and they called me and I said yes, and it was at a time in my life that I was really struggling. So I am someone that has struggled with self-doubt almost my entire life. I would say that really a turning point was after Kilimanjaro and it started when I was much younger. I had a very abusive boyfriend when I was in high school and really lack of self-worth was such a big deal, and so when they asked me to do it, my husband was very encouraging and he said you know, it's going to put you out of your comfort zone and you are going to grow. And he was so right because I don't want to say I played it safe, because I did like to do things. You know I love travel and obviously I have six children, so that's crazy, right there.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I was going to say right there. That's adventure in and of itself.

Speaker 2:

But it really was something that put me out of my comfort zone completely. I went with. There were 16 of us. I didn't know anybody before we got there. There were 16 of us. I didn't know anybody before we got there.

Speaker 2:

So I not only is it climbing a mountain, but it's about leadership on a mountain. Right, you're working together with the team and figuring out if, do you all work? Do you all make it together? Do you? If one person can't make it, do we all not go? All these kinds of things, if someone's having a hard day, do we take stuff from their pack? And we did that kind of stuff.

Speaker 2:

Like there was a day where I was struggling and people took some of the weight off of my pack and other people were struggling, and you just kind of figured out how to work together and we didn't make it all to the top together.

Speaker 2:

We did all make it to the top. There was one woman who, when we were at the last camp, she started having this horrible cough and it's because of the elevation, and so she didn't want to hold us back. But one of the younger guys said I'll go with her. They had their own guide going with them and so, therefore, they went a little bit slower, but we all made it to the top, and it was really an amazing experience, because it was really the first time for me that I truly believed in myself, and it was the action of taking that first step that really made me say, okay, this is this, is it, this is what I'm doing. I don't need to worry about what anybody else thinks, I don't need to worry about the naysayers. I need to understand that I have value and that my value can't be torn down by anything else.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, there's so many amazing analogies and teaching points that could be brought out of this story. My head's already spinning, but you've already said multiple points, I think, that are worth mentioning. It's interesting how you correlate that getting uncomfortable is actually what helped you overcome self-doubt. That is such a countercultural concept, especially in America. This idea of discomfort actually being the secret weapon to leverage you over self-doubt is such a powerful concept. But to even take it a step further backwards than that, you mentioned an abusive boyfriend. I think I very much.

Speaker 1:

I was so blessed by the men in my life that I had no idea what the majority of women have in fact experienced at some point in their life. I mean, I am so much in the minority I said this the other day to somebody that you know I truly think I could list 200 men that I would trust to take my kids if I needed them to, and that's just phenomenal, you know, and that's such, and I think that's also shaped a lot of my worldview. But the problem is that's not the norm. And so now, as a career, working with women this is true of so many women that at some point in their lives they have been very severely hurt by a man, whether it be someone they were related to, somebody, they were dating somebody they didn't know significantly well. Sometimes it just takes one comment and it sticks with that woman for the rest of her life.

Speaker 1:

And maybe it was actually a woman, but for, I think, the majority it's coming from a man. That has really infused this underlying sense of self-doubt. So I would love for you to just touch on that for a second, on how to recognize that there might've actually been a moment like that in a woman's life that is really kind of put her on that trajectory, cause I think a lot of women don't even have the awareness Some do, but for some it's like they haven't even given themselves permission to be like, yeah, that actually really did, that made a big difference in a negative way, and to let that go and embrace it and grieve it. And how did you?

Speaker 2:

how did you process that? It took a really long time. I mean, there's a lot of shame associated with yes Cause you, you feel like it's your fault. You feel like, and it's not right Like you're, when someone else treats you horribly, it's not about you, it's about them, and that's kind of where I came to my healing with it and it's really crazy to think about that. When you look at statistics about teenage girls college girls it's like between 20 and 40%, depending on the age group, has either been physically or sexually abused by their partner. Um, college students even more so, like it is. The numbers are crazy and I don't think we talk about it enough, because I do think there's this thing that, well, it's vulnerable to talk about this, but it also you have this, this shame, this guilt that you did something wrong to cause it.

Speaker 2:

And I'll tell you that is not the case. And it took me, oh, 40 something years Well, at the time I guess I was 17 when I finally walked away, but I, yeah, I mean it took me 30, 20 something years to kind of be able to really talk about it. I mean, my family knows about it, my husband obviously knows about it, but just to openly talk about it and say this is what I went through and not blame myself anymore. It took a lot of years and that's what I would say to most women is that don't let all that time go by. It is not your fault, right, it is. And the more we talk about things, the more we can prevent them from happening. I can tell you, my children would. They can't even imagine it now and they would never. I mean, when someone says something wrong to someone else, they stand up right. They're not gonna be stepped over like I was.

Speaker 1:

I mean, I was a doormat right and it not going to be stepped over like I was I mean, I was a doormat, right, and yeah, you've empowered them through your own vulnerability, and that's something women need to hear is it's like if we truly want to protect our kids, we need to be willing to be vulnerable ourselves with them and embrace our own struggle and what we learned, which is what you did and why they're even equipped to be able to? Yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 2:

We have to be willing to talk to our kids about all the things that we struggled with, and I know from my parents. It's not about telling our kids you can and can't do things I mean, when they're younger, absolutely but it's more of showing them hey, this is what I went through. I'm not going to tell you you can't do this, but I don't want you to suffer like I did and I really feel like the more that I've done that, the easier it's been for them to just say, oh my gosh, no, I would never let someone talk to me like that and I would never talk to someone like that. I would never. You know all these things, that and we can openly discuss it because I'm able to share my stories.

Speaker 2:

I mean, in high school I was obviously dating this guy, but I was going to parties. I was making very bad choices. And same thing with my kids are homebodies, like they would prefer to hang out and watch a movie, and the youngest one's 16 now Like they don't really want to go to parties. I'm not saying that they never do, but they like that comfort of home and they understand that, whatever they're faced with right now or whatever challenges they have that. We're an open door, like come talk to us, because we're here to help. We're not here to judge.

Speaker 1:

Yeah Well, I think it's worth highlighting too that you know, for some women it's not even necessarily that there was sometimes the the self-doubt is stemming from something that was more subtle. You know, I think for a lot. So here in Lancaster County especially, it's a very like German, you know white European type of influence which is a very like stoic. You know you sweep issues under the rug, you know you put on that like you pick yourself up by your bootstraps, like you make it happen, and there's a lot of good to that. But the downside is I think it can foster just generationally men that have no idea how to actually connect at an emotional level with their kids. And so some of the self-doubt, I think, comes from a sense of disconnect. Or maybe you weren't a sense of disconnect, or maybe you weren't praised or there wasn't a sense of deeper level connection with a father, sometimes maybe even a mother.

Speaker 1:

But anyway, all that to say for those of you listening, I guess what I'm trying to get out here is self-doubt is really what Simone's expertise is. When I'm looking over her stuff, that is what pops out to me and it's something that a lot of women really struggle with. So I just want you to hear, even if you didn't have a specific trauma in your life that's making you feel um, or you acknowledge has caused self-doubt. It can be much more subtle and part of step one is being aware of that and recognizing it and, um, like Simone has said, uh, that's not necessarily your fault, but it is your fault if you stay there because you now have the power to climb over it, which is literally what Simone is going to talk about. What else, anything else that you would say to that from your own experience?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, I think that a lot of people feel that they can't talk about their struggles because they don't feel like they're big enough. Right? Like what you said, they're not necessarily the big trauma, or even a little trauma and what I like to call them. There are daily doubts. They're the little things that we struggle with every day and they build up and they build up. So it's whether that you are unhappy with your weight right now or you're unhappy with your relationship, whatever it is, whatever you can't sleep about at night, those are real, right, those are real things, things that you're struggling with, and there's no reason that you should think that they're not worthy of a conversation or that they're not real struggles. They are real struggles. Everybody has different struggles. I know people will say to me oh, I can't complain to you, I only have two children and you have six. Well, you can.

Speaker 1:

Whatever you're struggling with you should be able to talk about it.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, it doesn't, it doesn't matter, and so that's what I want people you know, women to really understand is those daily doubts can take a horrible toll and, yes, I had this situation when I was younger, but as an adult, those were the things that kept on creeping in, like I'm not worthy of being here, I'm not smart enough to go to this, I don't have the right clothes, I don't drive the right car, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not skinny enough, all these things. They're valid and we need to understand that. We need to push those aside and realize exactly what we are capable of, and also understand that we are not alone. You are not alone. Everybody has these struggles.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, what would you say to the woman who, again, awareness is half of the battle? So those are some of the underlying thoughts. What would you say are some of the external behaviors or symptoms that could indicate that type of internal dialogue? Because I think there's some women who also just sort of hop on the train of busyness in their lives and are overachievers and they're doing all the things and so you wouldn't actually be able to recognize, and maybe they can't even pause for long enough to recognize that this is actually a major issue in their subconscious, you know, their subconscious even like what are? What are maybe like physical external signs that somebody might be able to cue in Like huh, I do struggle with that more than I realize, and here's how I'm covering it type of a thing.

Speaker 2:

I think the biggest thing that I've seen with women is not being able to accept a compliment. So, no matter what, they do so and this is something that I struggled with for a really long time I would always have an excuse or a response or some kind of comeback. When someone would say oh Simone, you look so beautiful today. I don't look good in that color, I would never. I couldn't say thank you, and it's something that I worked on for so long. And I was at a friend's house a couple of weeks ago and she was having a gathering, and so another friend walked up to her and said oh, you look so pretty in that dress. And she said you think so. And I was like, oh, do we need to talk about this right now?

Speaker 1:

And I was like, oh, do we need to talk about this?

Speaker 2:

right now and I was like you are so beautiful, like I need you to see how beautiful you are. And then, of course, she was like, okay, thank you. But it's changing that ability to just come back and not understand that we all are beautiful, we all have value. And but that's one of the biggest things I see there's always excuses, like an excuse for why they can't go somewhere, and it's just they don't feel like they're gonna fit in. You know, there's I have within our friend group like we all like to hang out together, but when it comes to like a bigger picture kind of thing, people are like I'm not going to go to that. I don't think those people are going to like me. I don't think.

Speaker 1:

And I was like yeah, yeah, so, yeah.

Speaker 2:

So those are a couple of the ones that, like, are glaring. I mean there's other ones too, where those are great examples. They choose to work instead of trying to be a little bit social, just because it just makes them uncomfortable, thinking that they're not going to fit in.

Speaker 1:

The other one that I have seen. I actually had a conversation with a friend talking about our daughters. She had a significant issue. She had an eating disorder the mom that I'm talking about.

Speaker 1:

So I can see how, even from a parenting standpoint, some of this was trickling down, and you said it so much better and I couldn't really recognize it at the time. But we were having this conversation about how she was teaching her daughters to respond to compliments and because so much of her own focus had been put on her body in her life, um, what she was subconsciously doing is was actually teaching her daughters to not necessarily reject the compliment, but to like ping it back and like take the focus off of themselves, which is so funny because it's literally just now and I remember thinking at the time like no, just teach them to say thank you, like that's to me, like that feels like the more natural. Just say thank you, but what you're saying it's like that's also striking me as that can be another way of actually sort of maybe recognizing the self-doubt is it's almost like you don't feel worthy enough of the compliment or you don't think you should be acknowledged that closely, and so you're throwing it back like a similar yeah to your point.

Speaker 1:

You just say thank you, whether you believe it to be true or not they're offering it, you just receive it, thank you.

Speaker 2:

People don't have to give compliments right and honestly. We don't need to seek external validation, so we need to be. That's why I believe that confidence is built from the inside out, that we don't need that external validation, but it doesn't hurt when it comes along and that's why I think it's so important to say thank you. I can tell you, I had a situation with my daughter, olivia, who you met, who when she was I think she was 15, she came into my bathroom. I was getting ready for an event and I was having this banter of negative self-talk about not fitting in my clothes. And you know why am I even doing this? Why am I even going? And she's like okay, you need to stop. First of all, you're beautiful. Second of all, how do you expect me to like my, to love my body, when you don't even like your own Cause I'm always throwing it down.

Speaker 1:

Y'all need to listen to Olivia. By the way, she's the one that's on the podcast with Simone. It's a great podcast anyway, yeah.

Speaker 2:

Thank you, yeah, and she's so and that was such a moment for me when I realized that I wasn't just putting it on myself, but now I'm affecting everyone around me. So really making these small changes of how I talk to myself and honestly they're big changes, but when you really look at them, they're small changes but they made such a big difference in my life and for my kids and my husband and all of it because I'm no longer talking bad about myself to myself or to other people anymore. I'm really respecting my reflection and that's I feel that that has probably been one of the biggest changes for me.

Speaker 1:

Which is so beautiful and also speaks to the irony is that we actually devalue our own influence in life. But I think women have been given this divine gift of influence and that's such a beautiful example of, just in the littlest ways, how changing how we're looking at ourselves can make such a significant impact on those around us in a very small but powerful way. In a minute we're going to dive more into Simone's expert advice on how to climb over your self-doubt, but first we're going to play a quick speed round of would you rather? She's like oh, I didn't sign up for that, I'm good for it, we're gonna. She's here. She climbed up kilimanjaro. She's like please, would you rather? No problem, all right?

Speaker 1:

Well, first of all, would you rather, uh, go hike in the woods, or would you rather lounge on the beach? Hike in the woods, I remember. Are we shocked by that one you have? So you, you live in Sarasota. Do you have a place that you enjoy? Was Mount Kilimanjaro truly like an off thing, or do you enjoy hiking and it was truly an off thing.

Speaker 2:

I mean, I enjoy hiking now, um, I had really never hiked anything before. And then, uh, we actually did the Inca Trail and since then we haven't really done much, just like more wherever. Whenever we travel somewhere that has mountains, whether it's Utah or Colorado, then we do hikes. But you know, we're pretty flat. Right here we are at sea level 12 feet above in case of a storm surge. But yeah, definitely sea level.

Speaker 1:

That's so funny. Maybe that's why you enjoy would pick hiking, because you can literally lounge in your backyard on the beach. Yep, we live in Lancaster, pennsylvania, so we're surrounded by the Appalachian. So I would say lounge on the beach, because I can go hike out my backyard.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, my sister lives in Switzerland and so when they come, what they want to do is lounge at the beach and I'm like I don't really want to go, and you know she's. And, of course, in Switzerland, what do you want to do? We want to hike, and they're like we're good. Actually, they still hike, though.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, oh, my goodness, switzerland that is on my bucket list.

Speaker 2:

I would love to get there. Would you rather coffee or tea? Tea, because I gave up caffeine oh. I'm so sorry. I know me too Well. I have horrible insomnia, like last night. I woke up at two o'clock in the morning and so I thought, okay, if I get rid of coffee now, it really hasn't changed anything. But I also don't do dairy, and the only way I liked coffee was with half and half.

Speaker 1:

So so now.

Speaker 2:

I drink herbal tea.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, which is also delightful, it's just definitely not coffee.

Speaker 2:

Yes, you are right. You are right. And I have friends that say I don't understand how you could give that up. I'm like I don't know. I just had to.

Speaker 1:

Well, and when you can't sleep, you're willing to do just about anything.

Speaker 2:

Yes.

Speaker 1:

So I do understand that Would you rather cake or pie Cake?

Speaker 2:

What's your very favorite kind of cake? Chocolate cake, specifically chocolate with chocolate icing.

Speaker 1:

Chocolate with chocolate and more chocolate on top. It's so funny, this question. People know instantly which I find that so fascinating. It's like the cake pie. No one goes, which I find very interesting. I'm a pie girl, yeah, although I can enjoy too but my husband would say absolutely pie like he is it apple pie.

Speaker 2:

Like we'll go to a nice restaurant and they'll say what the the desserts are and he's like you don't have apple pie. And they're like, no, we don't have apple pie. He does it all the time. I'm like if they had apple pie they would tell you okay, babe, they don't have apple pie.

Speaker 1:

It's not on the list. That's hilarious. It's like going to a really nice steak house and ordering a burger or asking if they have a burger. Yeah, that's something he would do too, so funny.

Speaker 2:

I mean.

Speaker 1:

I like all of the above. I like pies and burgers, but that's really funny. If you have the opportunity, you can do one or the other. Would you rather do a craft or would you rather decorate, decorate? Do you have a favorite season to decorate for?

Speaker 2:

I like fall, because I think we don't have it here.

Speaker 1:

Oh, interesting. Oh, that's true. Do you set out stuff for fall?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and I think it does make you feel like something has changed, because it sure doesn't change outside, the palm trees look the same, yes, yeah, that is so interesting.

Speaker 1:

I'll actually say it's the only season that I do love living in Lancaster, Pennsylvania fall. Otherwise I would happily switch, Except for fall, that is the one. Even winter I'm like nope, I'm okay, I'm good. One Christmas snow and then I'm good. I hear you.

Speaker 2:

Yes.

Speaker 1:

What you I love. You know you are a world-renowned keynote speaker and such an amazing story that goes with it. That is just, I think, so powerful, and the visual of climbing a mountain, just in general, I think, for many of us is such a powerful force when we look at so many different obstacles in our life. But one of the things that you talk about is those power of small changes and one of them being this mindset shift that needs to happen for us to climb over our own self-doubt. And you also touch on these concepts in the Extraordinary, unordinary you, the book that you have written, and I would just love for you to unpack some of those concepts. And then, practically, what can women be doing, aside from some you guys that she's already mentioned? Like, when someone gives you the compliment, you say thank you. That is step number one, very easy today just say thank you. But I would love to hear I would love to hear you unpack more of that absolutely so.

Speaker 2:

I created what I call the real method, which is and my website is getting updated tomorrow, so it's going to have everything on, there it's so exciting, good but so real stands for respecting your reflection, embracing your failures, asking yourself what you want and loving the woman in the mirror, and so respecting your reflection for me is really obviously. I created it to be the first step, because I think it's the most important that we really start with looking in the mirror and appreciating what we see and when you think about it. If we can say negative things to ourselves all the time and we believe them, we can absolutely say positive things to ourselves all the time and we believe them. We can absolutely say positive things to ourselves all the time and then believe them.

Speaker 1:

Say that one more time. For the women in the back that missed that, say that one more time.

Speaker 2:

If we can say negative things to ourselves all the time and believe them, then we can absolutely say positive things to ourselves all the time and believe them. It really does happen. So when we talk about positive affirmations, it's something that if you would have told me 10 years ago, I would literally be standing in the mirror every morning and building myself up for my day. I'd be like you are out of your mind. Was it uncomfortable?

Speaker 1:

You, hippie, get out of town.

Speaker 2:

I know right.

Speaker 1:

Right, yeah, no offense to all the hippies. Yeah, we love hippies.

Speaker 2:

So, but that made a huge change for me, because I really had to sit there and think about it, like if I can look in the mirror and say, oh my gosh, you shouldn't, shouldn't be going here, you're, you gained weight again, you're not pretty enough, you don't have any friends, and I could totally swap it, right, I could totally change it, and there's actually scientific research that actually shows when you actually have changes in your brain synapses when you start doing this, and it's fascinating, right. But I think the best way to say it is that think about it. Practically right, you can believe all the crappy stuff. Why can't you believe the good stuff? You just got to keep saying it to yourself. And so that, for me, is really about respecting your reflection. And when you look in the mirror, I've had women say to me oh, there's nothing that I like and I'm like I am not. I cannot believe that. There is, no matter what it is. It could be your eyelashes, you know, could be your lips. You start somewhere and then you start realizing that, instead of seeing what you don't like in the mirror first, you see what you do like and the other stuff starts to melt away and you are like I am at peace now. When I look in the mirror, I mean I have scars and lumps and bumps and hair loss and I have all kinds of stuff. But that isn't who I am, right, and that's not how I define myself. And I don't ever want my girls to look at me and say, oh mom feels bad about that now, so I should feel bad about that too. I mean, we are the ultimate role model, right? So it's all about respecting your reflection and then embracing your failures.

Speaker 2:

This is something that I think we, especially as women, are too hard on ourselves that if we have a bump in the road, it might be the end. We might decide, oh, we're never going to try again because we weren't successful at this. Or you think about even women when they're applying for a job. If they don't meet 100% of the job requirements, they're not going to apply for it. I mean that's crazy. That means you're already overqualified. If you meet 100%, you're already overqualified for that job.

Speaker 2:

So understand that everything we've gone through to this point and this goes back to even what my high school days with this boyfriend was that is a moment in time, and part of it made me who I am today, but part of it it's also that I'm so much stronger because of everything I've gone through. So, instead of getting stuck on whatever we have as a failure, we learn from it. We move forward. They are stepping stones to move forward, and that's how we learn about ourselves. It's like doing the things we think we can't right, those really hard things. So, okay, you messed up before. So, what Everybody does In the moment, it is a struggle, but you've got to take that breath. You've got to take that step forward and with that step forward, then you can keep going and realize, okay, it wasn't that bad, or you know what that really sucked. But here's what I do next time, instead of just like languishing in that.

Speaker 2:

My so Olivia was diagnosed with Crohn's when she was 16.

Speaker 2:

And it was a really hard time because not only was diagnosed with Crohn's, but then that was in November of 2019.

Speaker 2:

And then she was a senior in high school and then everything shut down for COVID, and so it was a really, really difficult time for her, and as soon as she was diagnosed, she said, like my life is over, what am I going to do? I said you're going to pick a day. We are going to sulk and cry and be miserable and on that day that you pick, we are going to pick ourselves up and we are going to move forward, because you have a choice every morning. You can choose to be happy or you can choose to be miserable, and you can't control these things that are happening to you, but you can control how you respond to them, and so that's exactly what we did. And she was miserable, and she was really miserable because for like five months she had to be on steroids and that was so difficult for her. Now she takes a biologic, so she's in a much better place. She had to eat a we call it a white trash diet. It was literally white bread mashed potatoes white rice, like so counterintuitive, yeah, yep.

Speaker 2:

And you know what. But that's exactly what we did. That's exactly what she did. She picked a date. It was only a few days and then she picked herself up and moved forward and said, okay, here's how I'm going to work around this stuff, here's how I'm going to do food wise. And she made a plan instead of just sulking about it, and she self-advocated. That was the other thing that I think has been so important for all of my kids. We all have something that we struggle with. If we don't talk about it, nobody knows and nobody can help us. So for her learning how to self-advocate in the classroom, even. You know, sometimes her stomach doesn't feel well, right? Did she have to raise her hand to go to the bathroom?

Speaker 1:

No.

Speaker 2:

Like she should have to be able to just go and not make a big deal about it every time, and so she created all these things on her own and I think she's much more powerful for it and she owns it. Like if something happens, she's like well, yeah, I got Crohn's. What do you want me to tell you?

Speaker 1:

You know, sometimes that happens so yeah, well, and what's resonating with me, too, what you're saying you know, in this case she certainly this was not a direct result of something she did right, like Crohn's disease is something that was totally outside of her control.

Speaker 1:

But what I'm also hearing from you, speaking of embracing our failures, is also maybe the result of our kids' struggle, just like we've seen in our own life, is because of a choice they made.

Speaker 1:

And so I'm also hearing the benefit of a similar approach where it's like, instead of one owning that as somehow a reflection of our self-worth as a parent because they made a poor choice, but also helping them embrace the choice that they made, embrace the negative consequences that come from it. And I'm almost hearing a similar concept. It's like, okay, we're going to take a day and, yes, these negative consequences might last way beyond the day, but we're going to grieve it. That is okay, you need to grieve the fact that you made this poor choice and now there's going to be negative consequences. But it's the same concept of how can we be teaching our kids to not fear failure, even fear making a poor choice, but owning it, embracing it, grieve it, and now you take ownership of it and we move forward instead of like languishing, like you literally said, in this sense of shame that's what I'm hearing that like. Even as parents, we need to be doing that for our children intentionally as well.

Speaker 2:

Yeah. So I mean it doesn't matter. I mean, obviously that's an example of something that happened to her, not that something she did. But I mean, you see what's happening in the news right now? There's a lot of things that are happening and there will probably be issues later where kids will say I, I've now lost everything, like I can't continue on in college or whatever. Whatever is going, what they're going through, and you're right, it's going to be like we have to own this moment, like I can't continue on in college or whatever. Whatever is going, what they're going through, and you're right, it's going to be like we have to own this moment, like the yes, go ahead and grieve it. It's like anything Like when, when something happens, you have to feel those emotions or you'll never be able to move forward.

Speaker 1:

So feel it. Feel it, feel it as comfortable as they are. Yeah, yep, feel it.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, yep, feel it and then take that step forward and get yourself out of it and figure out what you need and you might need another person to help you out of it. I mean there's not. There's. There's no right or wrong when we're struggling. There is. We're all human, we all struggle, and there's no. There's never shame in asking for help and there's never shame in saying here's what happened or here's what I did. Yeah, I love that. R. Respect your reflection. E. Embrace failure.

Speaker 2:

A. Ask yourself what you want and this is such a huge one for women. I can tell you from talking to hundreds of women. When they tell me what they're struggling with, I'm like so what do you want? Well, what do you mean? What do I want?

Speaker 2:

If you could do something today for yourself, what would that be? I have no idea. I've never thought about what I wanted before. I've always been taking care of my husband and my children and I quit my job to be a stay-at-home mom or I'm so busy with work that I can't take time for myself. That takes away from other people. So I think it's so important that we have to figure out something for ourselves.

Speaker 2:

Self-care is not selfish, ladies. It is not selfish. Self-care is so important. It makes us better humans. It's something that we need to get through our days right, like instead of.

Speaker 2:

And again it goes back to that choice of being miserable, being happy. You have a choice of what you want in your life, and I'm not saying go quit your job tomorrow or change your relationship, but think about what you want your relationship to look like. That's a change you can make. Ask yourself what you want in a relationship. Ask yourself what you want in your job. There's another crazy thing. That's not really a statistic, but it's that women would rather quit their job than ask for a raise because it's so uncomfortable. It's so uncomfortable, but they know they want that raise, but they're not willing to ask for it. If you really want it, you have to be able to take action on it.

Speaker 2:

But I find it fascinating that and I can tell you, for years I never asked myself what I want. I just went from point A, from point to point B with my head down, just going through the motions, trying to get through my day, and never saying am I really happy right now? Like I've been married to my husband for 31 years, I am very happy in my marriage, so. But it was all these other things where I never felt like I was fulfilling my potential, because I never asked myself what that was. What do I want with my life? What do I want when I slide into home plate? What do I want people to remember me for Right? Do I want to it? Just, everybody has a different thing, but it's really understanding that it's okay to want something for yourself.

Speaker 1:

I love that R-E-A. We're on L.

Speaker 2:

Love the woman in the mirror and I say R is the most important. But I think they're all so important because I don't think we ever really think about how we love the woman in the mirror and I have a I call it the confidence triangle. So it's about acknowledging, accepting and affirming. So you know, we have these things that go through our heads all the time that oh, we're not enough, or like I can't apply for that job because my resume doesn't support that. So, really, the acknowledge part is acknowledging that these are fears, like this is not reality.

Speaker 2:

I think we make this build up so much for these things and we don't realize that okay, wait, that's not real. Like why am I? It's that voice inside your head that is just creeping in all the time. Okay, is that real or is that not real? Okay, that's not real.

Speaker 2:

Okay, then the accept part is where am I in this moment? Like accepting exactly who you are in this moment. Like we need to change the way we see ourselves. So, like, when we change the way we see ourselves, the world around us changes, and so that whole part of accepting like this is me, this is who I am, so acknowledging that it's like that other thought is not real. This is who I am.

Speaker 2:

And then affirming who I am by saying like I am worthy, I am loved, I am capable of asking for this raise, I deserve this raise, I am going to do all these things to get it, and none of this is easy, right, it's not a light switch, it's, but, like anything else, when we work on things, the good things that we get are worth working on, and I think that when you put it all together, like for me, it's made the biggest change in that I really do love the woman in the mirror now and I know that my kids see that and they and that that to me is the most important grazing good humans who love themselves so that they can be the good in the world.

Speaker 1:

The um, your book, the extraordinary, unordinary. You just give us a little synopsis. Um, when you guys go to get her book to hear all of her amazing insights in life, what is the main takeaway that they're going to walk away from that book seeing changed in the way that they think?

Speaker 2:

It's really all about realizing what you're capable of and recognizing that the little things you do every day matter. I think sometimes we think that we have to be like this major philanthropist or a celebrity to really affect change, and it's the little things that we do every day. It's talking to your neighbor offering to help with something really small Customer service. Let me tell you that has been the biggest change I've seen with people. You have to understand that customer service they're people, right Like they're. They're not just customer service Like that's Sarah on the line, sarah has a life.

Speaker 2:

Sarah has a family and I always say to my husband ask them about their day, like they're not just and it's yeah, they're not robots and it's made such a change.

Speaker 2:

So all of these little things where you you never know what anybody else is going through, you never know what words can completely change their day or their life, or little actions, I mean little things like I can tell you there's been three times in my life that someone has been in front of me in a Starbucks line and bought me a coffee, and I will always remember those. Yes, yeah, it's a Starbucks coffee, right, but it's the point that someone went out of their way to do something special. So it doesn't have to be these huge things that we do, it's these, these little things every day, like checking in on someone just calling because you want to, not because you have to. I think that we don't give ourselves enough credit for all those things.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, and I think what I hear that comes from all of these little changes and you've mentioned this that mindset shift and it's the idea that, yes, we need to shift the mindset, but your behavior also needs to contribute to that mindset shift. It's like that full circle. Making those little choices is also going to help promote that shift in your thinking. And something that I've told my early morning habit community is that concept that if you want to see change in your life, then you need to change the way you see your life. And that's really what you're talking about, and it's giving very practical ways of modeling behavior that is going to support that shift. The extraordinary, unordinary. You, you guys, definitely want to check this out. As always, the link is in the show notes. Also, simone's website, simonecanegocom the link is, of course, as always, in the show notes. Where else can people find you? Any other thoughts that you want to leave with our listeners?

Speaker 2:

So also our podcast, the daughter Jira's podcast. That is the show that I host with one of my six children, my daughter Olivia, who's 21. And so it's a lot of fun because we have different perspectives, right, I'm 52, she's 21. And it's fun to see her evolve and it's been a great experience for us. Yeah, best way to find me also is on my website, and if you search me, you will find me, because I am the only Simone Canego in the world. As of this point, we'll see if that changes.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, that's what you put two weird names together and that's what you get.

Speaker 1:

Yes, that's so funny. We will definitely make sure that that podcast link as well you guys, to their podcast. I was honored to be a guest on their podcast and they are fantastic. I love the duo. I love that. That's so cool, thank you. Yeah, I just pray God's blessing over your heart, your home, your amazing family, all your sweet kiddos that I see up there in that picture, you guys. She's adopted several children. We might have to bring her back on to do an exclusive adoption podcast. Maybe any of her children that want to join? What an incredible story You're such a blessing to me.

Speaker 1:

Thank you for being here.

People on this episode

Head Shot

Ahna Fulmer

Host