THE ONES WHO DARED
Breaking Free from an Abusive Marriage and Rebuilding a Life of Purpose | Brittney Guary
Brittney Guary is an author, entrepreneur, and single mom who courageously shares her transformative journey of facing the darkness of an abusive marriage and emerges with a story of hope, healing, and purpose. Brittney's journey is not just her own but a mirror to the experiences of many women who have suffered in silence, a story that needs to be shared.
Brittney is an author, entrepreneur, and a mom of four.
Her story resonates with many women who have suffered in silence and she hopes to inspire others in similar situations.
Brittney's story showcases resilience and unwavering love for her children, and she talks about the pivotal moment that led her to leave the abusive relationship.
She also discusses the importance of support systems, the challenges of financial control, and gathering the courage to leave.
Brittney shares her personal healing process, her struggle with guilt, self-forgiveness, and the significance of affirmations and self-care in reclaiming her life.
Her ongoing fight for healing for herself and her children, and her commitment to supporting other women.
Brittney provides valuable insights and practical advice for individuals facing or recovering from similar challenges.
Please note: The podcast guest nor the host is a licensed therapist or counselor, and their advice is not a substitute for professional help. The aim is to encourage listeners to seek professional help if needed.
We hope this episode encourages you in your healing journey. Thank you and enjoy.
Link to I AM FREE MOVEMENT
https://www.facebook.com/Iamfreemvmt
-Links-
https://www.svetkapopov.com/
https://www.instagram.com/svetka_popov/
Brittney Guary is an author, entrepreneur, and single mom who courageously shares her transformative journey of facing the darkness of an abusive marriage and emerges with a story of hope, healing, and purpose. Brittney's journey is not just her own but a mirror to the experiences of many women who have suffered in silence, a story that needs to be shared.
Brittney is an author, entrepreneur, and a mom of four.
Her story resonates with many women who have suffered in silence and she hopes to inspire others in similar situations.
Brittney's story showcases resilience and unwavering love for her children, and she talks about the pivotal moment that led her to leave the abusive relationship.
She also discusses the importance of support systems, the challenges of financial control, and gathering the courage to leave.
Brittney shares her personal healing process, her struggle with guilt, self-forgiveness, and the significance of affirmations and self-care in reclaiming her life.
Her ongoing fight for healing for herself and her children, and her commitment to supporting other women.
Brittney provides valuable insights and practical advice for individuals facing or recovering from similar challenges.
Please note: The podcast guest nor the host is a licensed therapist or counselor, and their advice is not a substitute for professional help. The aim is to encourage listeners to seek professional help if needed.
We hope this episode encourages you in your healing journey. Thank you and enjoy.
Link to I AM FREE MOVEMENT
https://www.facebook.com/Iamfreemvmt
-Links-
https://www.svetkapopov.com/
https://www.instagram.com/svetka_popov/
That was the moment that I realized, like now I know why my mom stayed for 20-odd years. Now I know why every single woman stays, for all the crap that they go through, and I completely get why the courts do it. Because women go back, Because it's easier at the time when you're in that to go back, but in the long run it's not. I'm so, so glad that I that to go back, but in the long run it's not. I'm so so glad that I did not go back. I'm so glad I kept fighting and pushing through.
Speaker 2:Hey friends, welcome to the Ones who Dared podcast, where stories of courage are elevated. I'm your host, becca, and every other week you'll hear interviews from inspiring people. My hope is that you will leave encouraged. I'm so glad you're here. A quick disclaimer this episode addresses domestic abuse, child abuse, trauma and the hard realities of an abusive relationship. Also, please note that neither the podcast guests or I are licensed therapists or professional counselors, and this advice is not intended as a substitute of a professional licensed therapist, physician or other professionals. We hope this episode encourages you to get help if you need it. Thank you and enjoy. Brittany Nguare or Gary, welcome to the One Studio podcast. I am so excited to have you in the studio Me too. Thank you Wow.
Speaker 1:I feel honored to be here. I've listened to your podcast and I've listened to the people that sat here and that you've interviewed, so I'm very honored to be here.
Speaker 2:Oh well, I am just honored to have you here and I think you're so courageous for being willing to share your story. And, um, I have your book in my hands too, called breaking free healing from abuse and trauma, and you're an author entrepreneur. You're a single mom and you're an author entrepreneur. You're a single mom and you have been through some various forms of abuse. You have healed through them. Yes, you have escaped an abusive relationship, abusive marriage, yes, and it took a lot of courage to get a divorce from that relationship.
Speaker 2:There's so much in your story, so much grit, so much resilience, and I'm so proud of you, brittany, so proud of you for using your voice to help other women, and also proud of you for continuing to fight for your own healing and continuing to be the pillar for your kids and wanting the best for them and I know that is not easy as a single mom of your children. So, thank you, thank you, thank you for being here, thank you. That was so heartfelt, thank you, yeah, so wow, there's so much in your story and I'm just there's parts of your story that is really really hard story that is really really hard and um, so I'm thinking where we could start is who was britney before that narcissistic, abusive relationship that you were in? What was going on? What are maybe some patterns that you picked up along the way that, um, you felt like contributed to leading up to that? Yeah, Brittany.
Speaker 1:Before that was very happy, joyful. I did not care about my appearance, I was just in love with the Lord. I was working at my church that I was at previously, and I did have two kids and my older two, and I homeschooled them Well, my oldest because the youngest was too young to be in school but I homeschooled, I worked at the church, I was in love with everybody, just people, and I enjoyed being single. I enjoyed just life. I thought that everything looked brighter and more beautiful. I was a newer Christian at that time. So you know if well, if you've come to Christ, you'd know like when you first come to Christ, it's like wow your eyes, like open up to a whole nother world, and that's how I felt. I felt like I was in this whole nother world.
Speaker 1:Before that, I had came from a lot of other abuses and traumas throughout childhood and just different relationships. So that little chunk of my life was so, so good. I had healed from fibromyalgia, which they said was incurable. I was able to get off all medications. It was just an amazing life and I just wanted to learn everything and know everything. I loved my identity. I loved knowing who I was and whose I was, and just that authority and the power that comes behind it. Being a daughter of God, that was a huge thing for me, and I wanted my children to follow in that. No matter where we had come from, it didn't matter. So that's who I was.
Speaker 2:Okay, and so would you say that you were in the process of healing from the past things that you just kind of briefly mentioned, absolutely Some of the abuses that you had beforehand. And then how did Prince Charming come into your life?
Speaker 1:He came to look at a roof, at our roof at the church, and then, because I was the assistant to the pastor and I did tons of things at the church, like running the church and helping with all the back end stuff he introduced me and my ex-husband now my ex-husband but he stayed for service, liked it, ended up staying at church altogether. My best friend at the time, she was my very best friend. We hung out almost all the time, almost every single day. It didn't matter. She got off of work, I would just make dinner and she would come to my house, she would study at my house, we would worship, have fun, play games, the whole nine yards. She was really interested in him and when it was brought to my attention that he was interested in me, I thought that I was doing the right thing by saying no, someone else is interested in you so. But that kept getting pushed on me to know on paper, this is who you should be with. So that's how he came.
Speaker 2:When you say being pushed, who was pushing?
Speaker 1:These were the pastors and leaders of the church that I was at.
Speaker 2:So they felt like you should be in this relationship, like you were a good match, yes, that this would be good for you, yes, and how did you feel?
Speaker 1:Well, she was my best friend and I didn't think that I didn't want any parts of it. I also wasn't physically attracted to him. I know physical attraction is very different, but it was still just like just someone that was just at church, someone that was just there. Like you would pass somebody that was single at the grocery store you, just, it's just a person, there's no nothing. Grocery store you, just it's just a person, there's no nothing.
Speaker 1:But he had mentioned that he was not interested in my best friend at the time and how he loves kids and I had kids and he had a really good job, apparently making a ton of money, and they thought that I needed that because of my situation, which is I was a single mom at the time, working for the church, so I was able to pay my bills, but it wasn't like I had crazy amounts of leftover money, but that wasn't. It didn't bother me anyway. I still don't. So but yeah, but they still believe that that was the right way to go. He had a career, he loved kids and he served he played guitar.
Speaker 1:So they ended up putting him on the worship team. So now he was on the worship team. He wasn't the leader, but he was just on the worship team.
Speaker 2:So paper it checked out really good, yeah.
Speaker 1:And then I also lost my best friend in a result of all that. So eventually, after a little while, I said okay, well, I mean, he does seem like he checks all the papers, and if you guys say that this is what's supposed to be, then I guess I trusted them a lot.
Speaker 2:I really did so. In a way, there was some pressure coming from people and authority, yeah, and leadership, yeah, of a place that you have a community that you trusted, yeah. So I figured, let's give it a try yeah, and did you see any, uh, red flags of, like narcissistic behavior, any abusive behavior prior to that? You don't have to go nitty gritty detail, but as much as kind of just to give us some insight onto what those things looked like.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I didn't know what narcissistic behavior even was. Honestly, I've heard the term but I'd never. It sounds so bad, but I've only heard the term being used against one of our presidents before and I was like like I don't even know what that means still, um. So at that time I didn't know what it meant. Um, but I did notice abusive situations and all the porn. There was lots of porn that I found in his phone. He was very highly addicted to porn. He came out and admitted that we had some prayer thing for him, and not saying that prayer doesn't work, because I know that prayer works but it wasn't helping our situation. Yeah, you also need the action behind it.
Speaker 2:You need to develop some good habits, some good boundaries, accountability, lots of things, yes, yes.
Speaker 1:Boundaries, accountability, lots of things, yes, yes. And then there was his friend, his best friend. I don't have to say her name I forgot her name anyways, but I'm not saying her name. But there was his best friend and I found nude photos in his phone through emails and through text messages and I said, well, what kind of best friend is this? Because I feel like usually you don't have best friends that are, um, nude in your phone. Yeah, so that was very alarming for me. Um, I didn't personally think that the nude pictures were appropriate for a friendship he thought that they were fine.
Speaker 1:This was pre-marriage, pre-marriage, yes. And then he had also left me one day at one of his business meetings with another woman. He was there with another woman and they both left together. They were sitting right next to me and did not answer my phone calls for hours, all night long, and then found out that he was still with her when he finally did answer the phone. So I brought all these situations up to the leadership and in that he always admitted to everything, which I feel like was a blessing for me because I didn't have to feel like I was a crazy one in these situations. But they all just got dismissed, as it was me not trusting and still having to heal from my past relationships and my past hurts and traumas. And I have to just trust Him and trust that God will work everything out.
Speaker 2:So that's kind of what the advice that you got from leadership is that right, yes, okay, wow. And then you guys got married, work everything out. So that's kind of what the advice that you got from leadership Is that right, okay, yes, okay, wow. And then you guys got married.
Speaker 1:Yes, we did. We were supposed to call off the wedding on the day of my bridal shower, but he wanted me to tell his family and I was terrified because I didn't know his family. We did not know each other very long, so I just went through with it.
Speaker 2:I talked to my bridesmaids okay, I'm gonna pause you right there.
Speaker 1:Yeah, what was the reason why the wedding was gonna need to be canceled, or we argued a lot and we did not see eye to eye on almost anything, and he was and I say argue like I was the more verbal one in arguments. He was more just shut down, not say anything.
Speaker 1:He would rather just be completely silent and yeah, admit to whatever it was that I was upset about whether it was the porn being at females houses again still, even after we had set boundaries, and it just got to the point where I was like I don't think either one of us really need to do this. We also were going to marriage counseling that was outside of our church. We got kind of like scolded for that because they weren't in our church so we should have been speaking to someone within our church and that those counselors it was a husband and wife. They also agreed that we should not have got married and then after that I've never heard from them at all. They said that they were going to talk to our pastor and then I don't know what happened after that. Never heard from them at all. Okay, which was very odd, but yeah. So we thought that it would be just best just to cancel the whole thing.
Speaker 2:But nonetheless it still went through.
Speaker 1:Yes, nonetheless, it still went through. Yes, Okay, it still went through. I was too scared, I was too a chicken and I still. I thought that, like I was really trusting and believing the leadership that I had, and they were like we would say, we're a family, Like they claimed. I was like a daughter to them and I really did. I believe what they said. I trusted them with my whole heart. I didn't really think that they would do anything to hurt me and because I was newer in my walk with Christ, I did. I believed that they were hearing from God and I just wasn't. I didn't know how to hear from God.
Speaker 1:I wasn't hearing from God, and everyone's marriage has problems and the enemy hates marriage. So you know, these are things that are being told to me. The enemy hates marriage, so of course he's going to attack it. So we don't get married and we have to just fight through All very legitimate sounding advice when you're in it in the thick of it. But now I definitely know better.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So yeah, I went through and did you was he. Did they feel like he was further along in his faith walk than you were?
Speaker 1:Yes, he was born a Christian.
Speaker 2:Okay, which means really nothing, no, but then it meant everything, I guess Okay. Which means really nothing.
Speaker 1:Nothing, no, but then it meant everything, I guess.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so you were essentially the baby. You were the immature one in a sense, like you didn't know as much as he did. Yeah, and the leaders knew better. Yes, and Brittany knows the least. Yes, so, brittany, just go through with it, you know. And you did, against your own intuition, correct, yes, okay, and then you found yourself. I am going to kind of skip all the way up to. I loved the visual that you used when you escaped the relationship. Yeah, and how many years were you married after?
Speaker 1:November, what was that? 18 to January 21. So just three years.
Speaker 2:Okay, so you were married for three years and then you find yourself hiding at your friend's house with your kids and you were trying to kind of make up for you staying there and you essentially just felt like you know, I can't really pay these people and on all this stuff. So you were trying to wash the dishes and just kind of make up for just be, make yourself useful. Um, and you were washing this dish and it shattered and you used it as a metaphor of how you felt like your whole life shattered. At that moment you felt like you seen yourself almost from above, from like bird's eye view. Yeah, where you could. You said.
Speaker 2:That was the moment I could visually see my life all shattered in a million unrecognizable pieces that can only be thrown away. Too dangerous for others to be around, too painful to handle for myself, so far gone. I've never get it back. There was nothing I could have done and I'm still not sure how exactly it fell. And so you just said you also felt like a really worthless person and really undeserving and you felt such guilt for allowing yourself to be in that situation and for your kids to be in that situation. Yeah, and tell me a little to be in that situation and tell me a little bit more about that moment.
Speaker 1:That was very hard. I haven't read that part of the book ever since I wrote that part. It was very personal and I really couldn't put it into better words of exactly how my life felt at that time. It took me a long time to forgive myself. I felt like through all those red flags, I was stupid.
Speaker 1:I watched my mom go through abusive situations and I used to always call her gullible and I could never understand how she would just let us live like that. And here I was doing the same exact thing. And I remember when I was younger, like now, my mom. I love my mom. She's a wonderful woman. She's out of her abusive relationship as well. She went through it 20 some odd years, but I love her. But I never wanted to be like her when I grew up. I never wanted to be like her. She was the example of the complete opposite that I wanted to be like in certain ways. But my mom is very strong. She really I.
Speaker 1:I couldn't deal with it for that long. I don't know how she dealt with it for that long. Um, I understand why people stay Um, cause I went through the divorce and it's almost easier just to stay. I will say that, but it's not at the. In the long run it's definitely not. But yeah, I had to.
Speaker 1:Really it was very hard. I felt like I abused my own kids. I felt like it was my fault. I felt like every choice that I made in my entire life was the wrong choice and it was just a really, a really bad place Like it was.
Speaker 1:We went to court and you know we're saying what he did in court with the child abuse and I still felt like it was still my fault because I should have left. I should have never listened to anybody, no matter who they are, no matter what title or authority position that they have. I should have listened to myself, my gut and as a mom, that's really hard. Now my kids have that for the rest of their life. It's part of their testimony. Now we come out on the other side so they will have a good, strong testimony to share with others.
Speaker 1:But no one wants. That's not what you think about when you hold your babies in your arms after you give birth, like I'm going to intentionally harm you or I'm going to do some really stupid stuff to make sure that you know you end up having a bad life or whatever, like those were just the things going through my mind. And then we were homeless and I'm like now I don't even have a house for my kids and the government's just going to take them from me, and I thought I was deserving of that at that time.
Speaker 2:So you felt like it was your fault and in the process of this abusive relationship, your children got abused. And you write about that. Yeah, um, so not only were you abused financially, there was money that was being, um, essentially you weren't allowed to have access to. Yeah, um, there was a lot of lies and things that you were told that were retracted. Yes, like that, you were going to be able to be a stay-at-home mom once you got married and homeschool your kids, but then, when you got married, you were told to put the kids in public school and get a job and go to work. Yeah, and so you didn't have the same access financially. No, and that's a lot of times. That's what's used, unfortunately, on women to keep them staying in abusive relationships. That's one of the most powerful codependency mechanisms and one of the main reasons that, statistically, why women stay in abusive relationships, and so you felt like it was your doing or your fault. I did, yeah, I did?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I did, because if I would have just said no from the very beginning and stuck my ground and held my boundaries, it would have never happened. That's how I look at it.
Speaker 2:How long did it take you to really learn to forgive yourself for that feeling? Oh, boy.
Speaker 1:Well, that first year after I left was brutal and almost like a haze and it was just here and gone, kind of like how a lot of people look at 2020. Like it was just here one minute and it's gone the next. I was very alone and completely isolated in that whole first year of 2021.
Speaker 2:And I'm thinking that you were no longer part of this community that talked you into no.
Speaker 1:We left for other reasons that also included legal reasons. So there were a lot of things that initially just got us to leave there. And then I started attending the church that I'm a part of now, and that has been a huge blessing, because it was then that the abuse happened. So I was able to go to the church that I'm at now and say, look, I just need help with my marriage because I have to leave and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. But I know this is not it, and they helped me with whatever decision I chose to make.
Speaker 2:Beth Dombkowski. Okay, and so they weren't saying you should continue to stay in this relationship? They weren't giving you any of those messages that you should continue to stay in this relationship. No, they weren't giving you any of those messages that you should continue to fight for this marriage no, wow.
Speaker 1:And they weren't telling me that I should leave either. They sat me down and said we will be here for whatever decision you choose. They did tell me that what was going on was wrong, completely wrong. It's not what God wants. That's not how he wants us to be Treated. Yeah, wrong, completely wrong. It's not what God wants. That's not how he wants us to be. He doesn't want to be treated yeah, he does not want us treated abusively or anything like that. And there were still other legal measures that had to take place, no matter what, which aren't completely understood, but I was very, very grateful that I was able to make a choice for myself.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that's incredible because a lot of church communities get a bad rep for keeping women in. Essentially, you know there's just pray. You know there's a lot of encouragement to just continue to stay to pray, that things will get better, that maybe you're not doing your part. So there's a lot of almost like blame and guilt on the female portion, and so I applaud the church that you went to that essentially said okay, what's going on is not okay, yeah, and this is not what God would want for you, and ultimately the choice is yours, yes, yeah, and we'll support you. So that's incredible and so that I yeah, that just is really encouraging to hear for me that there are establishments that actually will stand with a woman in that situation and that they can go there. And what were some other resources that you were able to tap into during, kind of the transitional period of you making that decision to leave Healing?
Speaker 1:The counseling that I went through. There was a healing counseling that I got to go to and I spoke with her on a regular basis and that helped tremendously Just being able to again speak to somebody, hear words of advice and encouragement and someone that felt like they were on my side, and not to say that there should be pick or choose sides. But I didn't feel, like you said, where it's like the women just kind of feel like it's your fault and you got to work on yourself and it felt like a whole lot where it was a really safe place where I could just be, I could vent, I could open up and then I could also get advice and I trusted that advice as well. And it was a Christian base, so it was also biblical, which for me that's what I wanted anyways helped me realize like, oh, a lot of people say God hates divorce and it makes you like get into this, you take that whole concept and just like blow it up and it means that you're never allowed to get a divorce.
Speaker 1:But in fact that's not what the Bible says. That's not how God says it. It's not that he hates the person that gets divorced and it's not like there's absolutely no reasons at all that you can get a divorce. There are certain reasons that you can divorce and there's a lot of reasons in the Bible that God says that you're not even supposed to associate whatsoever with a person that acts a certain way. But I was able to go and study all of that and that really helped me because I didn't feel like God hates me and I didn't feel like, okay, maybe I did make a bad decision by getting a divorce, although I knew I strongly felt like God told me that it was going to happen before it happened.
Speaker 2:So I'm going to backtrack you a little bit, Absolutely, Because I think this is really important for people listening who may be in a similar position that you were in, or maybe they're helping somebody who's in a similar position and they don't know how. So you knew, you said you were married about three years and in that time there was multiple red flags and evidence of abuse that were physical, that were those things were going on. At what point did you feel like I cannot allow this any longer?
Speaker 1:That was with the abuse of my son he was five at the time All the abuses that had happened to me, I thought I was supposed to be the wife and stay in the marriage, no matter what, no matter how bad it was, no matter if I slept in a different room, which I did for a while. But when my son got physically abused, that's when I finally said enough is enough. And my daughter was we were in the process of trying to figure out what he was doing in my daughter's bedroom she was 12 at the time and we got me and when I say we me and her biological father got a nanny cam to put in her room to witness what he was doing, because he's been caught in there by my son several times. So we wanted to know what was going on, because of course he wouldn't admit it and his answer was always this is my house and I can do what I want in whatever room of the house that I want, whenever I want. And I did not agree with that. Her biological father also did not obviously agree with that, because she's 12 and she's a girl Right, and you know you, just why are you in there, mm-hmm? But he did admit to destroying those cameras, I thought that was going to end up being the end. I thought not that I wanted anything bad to happen to her, I just knew that I had to have some type of evidence Right. So as soon as I had the evidence, I was able to say look, this is it. But he found those cameras, he destroyed them. He admitted to that. He admitted to the police to that. But he abused my five-year-old son first.
Speaker 1:My son was our master bedroom, has a bathroom in it, and I was in the bathroom and my son was in my bedroom but in the doorway and he was sitting on the floor and I told him you know, as soon as I'm done with my makeup, we have to go to church. It was Sunday morning, um, so go put your shoes on. And he refused. He didn't want to put his shoes on. He's like no, I want you to put my shoes on. And I was like but, guys, we have to go as soon as I'm done with my makeup. I think I was doing my mascaras, which is why I did that. But as soon as I'm done, we have to go to church. So just go put your shoes on now, so we're not late, and we were actually going back to the first church that we had came from and that was the first time that we would have ever been in that building since we had left. And when we left there it was horrible. No one was allowed to talk to us. I lost all my friends that were there, so it was a big deal for me to go back into that building. But a family member was dedicating their daughter my niece and I wanted to go support my niece, so my son wasn't putting his shoes on.
Speaker 1:My ex-husband was downstairs. Like always, he's never helped get the kids ready, so I didn't expect him to this time, but he did come upstairs. We didn't hear him. He was very good at being very sneaky, very quiet. We had a dog and we wouldn't even know that he was home when he would walk through the door, like he would.
Speaker 1:Just if I was on my bed on my phone or reading a book, he would just appear there. To me it was like he just appeared there, and that's exactly what happened that day. He just appeared right there behind my son. He picked him up off the ground. I didn't think anything of it when he picked him up off the ground. He picked him up, right underneath of his arms, under his armpits, and he took him out through our bedroom, across the hall, into my son's bedroom, and I just heard a bloody murder scream, like like just the worst scream. I've never heard any of my kids scream like this not not playing, not, not even when they're getting in trouble or anything, and and I wasn't like a beater or a spanker or whatever. So you know, like when you yell at your kids they just like cry and scream and throw themselves, like this was just something that I've never heard before.
Speaker 1:So I ran, I just dropped everything and I ran. My bedroom door was shut so I had to open that. So he intentionally did that and right when I had to open it and I was running across the hall, he was coming out of the room. My ex-husband was coming out of the room Very calm, nonchalant, like nothing happened, and I went in and my five-year-old was getting off of the bed and his neck was bright red. His face wasn't red, he was crying, he was holding his neck, he was having a hard time breathing and I just kept asking, like what happened? What happened? I was about five months pregnant, with twins at that time, if I'm doing the math correctly, I think it was like five, five months pregnant. I was big, I was a big pregnant, oh, being pregnant with twins is big too.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was a big pregnant, oh, being pregnant with twins is big too.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So I sat on the bed and I'm looking at him and it registered that he got choked. It was just something that just clicked in my brain and I knew it and I got furious and I started yelling at my ex-husband like what did you do to my son? What did you do to him? And he just walked past me, shrugged his shoulders and I was like nothing. And my son called him dad at the time and he said daddy choked me and threw me. And he was like no, I didn't Just like the calmest moment. I've never seen someone more calm, actually. So I'm not even sure how he got so angry to get to that point to then just be so calm again, because I feel like he was calm before and then calm after.
Speaker 2:Yes, you're like where was the rage in between, and how did that kind of de-escalate so quickly? Yeah, it almost seems unnatural.
Speaker 1:Yes, yeah, and it's unnatural. Yes, yeah, and it's scary. Yeah, because I know when I get upset, I get upset, like you know I'm getting upset and you know I'm upset, and it takes me a while, like give me a minute because I need some time to myself and that's kind of part of that narcissistic, abusive trait. Yes, yes, the very sneaky, and you can't even, it's like you can't even prove it.
Speaker 2:It's like you're literally fighting a ghost, like you just can't yeah, so for you, that was the moment that you're like I will not continue. Yeah, on with this that was.
Speaker 1:That was the moment. Um, my brother, my older well, he's the older of the two brothers, um, but he's like older brother to me. He was part of, like, the pastoral team at his church and I knew his stance against divorce and he also knew a lot of the other stuff that was going on in the house, because we tried to get counseling and everything from all of me and my ex-husband's stuff not just the kids which none of it helped or worked. But I messaged him one day and I said basically, I just said I know that you think God hates divorce. I know you're going to hate me. I know you're probably going to banish me and my kids. That's fine, but I have to leave. This is what he did to my daughter. This is what he did to my son. This is what he's doing to me. These are the threats that he's made for the babies that aren't even here yet. I can't do it. I'm going to talk to someone and I'm going to figure out how to get help and I have to leave this marriage.
Speaker 1:And my ex-husband found that message one day when I was sleeping. Wow, and that was the last day that I seen him in person. Besides, that court was the day that he actually found that message. It was a very ugly, scary day, but I was able to get up to the church I'm at now currently and speak to them that day immediately, and my daughter was in school, because she was still in public school and my son, I dropped him off with the family member that I spoke about in that book and then I went up to the church and I talked to them. They got him up there. I said if you just tell him I'm up here telling on him, he'll come. So they did and he came. I was able to get home just in enough time to grab a suitcase and we never went back until the judge evicted him five months later Wow, yeah, what was the hardest part about that?
Speaker 1:Continuing to go through with it. The courts do not make it easy at all. I got phone calls and voice messages from my previous church about how horrible I was and how dare I, and I lost family members I didn't talk to for a really long time because they were so disappointed in me. I think that was the hardest part, was just the continuing to go through.
Speaker 2:Yeah, were there moments where you wanted to give up. Yeah.
Speaker 1:There were moments that I said I'll just say I'm sorry and just have them come back and get rid of my kids.
Speaker 2:When you say get rid of your kids, you mean have someone else take care of them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, when you say get rid of your kids, you mean have someone else take care of them. Yeah, I was going to send my kids with their dad and my older two, and I was going to give the babies up for adoption because I felt like it would just have been easier to just stay with him, but I at least had somewhere else for the kids to go, that they didn't have to stay there. That was the moment that I realized, like now I know why my mom stayed for 20 odd years. Now I know why every single woman stays, for all the crap that they go through yeah and I completely get why the courts do it.
Speaker 1:because women go back, because it's easier at the time when you're in that to go back, but in the long run it's not. I'm so, so glad that I did not go back. I'm so glad I kept fighting and pushing through.
Speaker 2:Yeah, were there people in your life who encouraged you to keep on keeping on the track?
Speaker 1:Yeah, my dad. He was a big supporter. When all that happened it was his birthday weekend, so he thought I was inviting him over for like a surprise birthday party. But that's when I had to tell him the bad news.
Speaker 2:Wow.
Speaker 1:And my dad has always been great. So, like me having to disappoint him or crush his dreams and his heart like he never knew Me and my ex-husband even argued I kept all of it just to myself. And then, whoever we were getting counseling from but I didn't want my family to know. I wanted them to still think that I was fine and I was good, and so he was a big help. We helped each other, because it was very hard for him too. And then also my aunt, who lives in Las Vegas. Although she was at a distance, she was a huge help.
Speaker 1:And then the church that I'm at currently. They were a big help too. They helped me feel secure even when I went to church, because he was still going in the beginning. But we have an amazing security team and there were several times where they're like, hey, we're locking the kids in, I just need you to come and stay back in this corner. Or there was a time where I was in the nursery and they're like, well, we just need you to just stay back here. We have the other kids locked in, we already talked to them, but he's here kind of wandering. So they were great at helping me feel safe also, and then the counseling. So I did have some people that were in my corner, but there were a whole lot of louder people that were not.
Speaker 2:They were shouting at you, telling you that you were wrong, yeah, that you should have stayed, yeah, that your kids should have continued to be abused, that you should have continued to be abused in essence.
Speaker 1:Yes, that's what they were saying yeah, Without saying those exact words that you guys should still be abused. That's exactly what they were saying. Yeah, I'm so sorry, brittany.
Speaker 2:Thank you. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that and for all the people that misguided you. Yeah, but you made the right choice. Yes, I'm so freaking proud of you. Thank you For sitting here and not only sharing your story, but you're also helping other women get out of situations similar to yours. Yes, yeah, yeah, that's incredible.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I would never want to go through it again. But I'm glad that I'm on this side now where I can help other women get out, because it's a huge like. It's like a whole other world when you just look at abuse and domestic violence and all the forms of abuses, like it's not just physical or sexual abuse. There's so many the forms of abuses, like it's not just physical or sexual abuse, there's so many other forms of abuses and it's a crazy world that's for sure.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and you said this in here. You mentioned this in the book as well, but you said that staying is easier. Can you kind of unpack that a little bit for someone who's may not understand that? And I was a person who didn't understand that when I was once helping someone who was in an abusive relationship physically abusive and this person reached out to a family member and myself and we were helping her essentially get out of this relationship that we knew the details of. She shared it, and when we went there to help her, she told us that she didn't need help anymore and she didn't want it and she rejected our help and at first I was offended, but then I was like this is not personal, it has nothing to do with me, obviously, you know, yeah, but it was like I went out of my way.
Speaker 2:I got you this car seat to pick you and your newborn baby at the hospital and now you're telling me that your husband who's abusive is picking you up and you you are absolutely under no circumstances want us there, like what happened. Yeah, it was shocking to me and I felt like but you know that you're in an abusive relationship, why won't you receive the help Like we are willing to do, you know, whatever we can to help you. And I remember actually sat in the parking lot of I think it was Burlington and I just started Googling like about these situations and I think the statistics said that when a woman is in an abusive relationship and I'm going to refer this more to physical abuse, there's other forms of abuses but they say it takes her nine times to leave the relationship, to make the decision and leave before it's final yeah and leave before it's final yeah. And you, being in that situation and also knowing other people now that you're working with other women, tell us why.
Speaker 1:Threats. I think it's fear and the threats that come along with it. You get your children, you'll get your children taken away. No one will believe you. It's his story against her story. I have no money, I have nowhere to go. I need the help.
Speaker 1:Maybe it's not as bad. It's a lot of mind battles, a lot of mind games, and then when you do finally get to the point of, okay, well, I am going to go get help, the help is very bare minimum. They do not make it easy. The courts don't make it easy, but just having someone like I speak to a lot of other women even now that go through the same thing like how you were just saying, and it turns like, a lot of the times it's if they have children, the children are being held against them and the husband has more money, or boyfriend or whatever, they have more money and I'm going to take the kids from you, or you have to still let me see the kids anyway. More money and I'm going to take the kids from you, or you have to still let me see the kids anyway. And then there's that fear of well, if you still have to see the kids, then I might as well just be here, because now, if I'm not here, what's going to happen?
Speaker 2:and so essentially you're saying, if you have to split the custody, yeah, you no longer have an eye on the kids and if they're being abused or what's going on. So the fear of that is like, let me be here, at least I can observe and be here and be present.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's better than them being alone with the abuser yeah, yep, and that's even if your kids were never abused. It's still something that goes through our heads, it's still. It still gets told to us, like our abusers will a lot of times even just tell you you'll never see your kids again.
Speaker 2:So there's a lot of lies that are planted in you and a lot of worthlessness that gets the messages that you are never going to make it without me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and nine times out of 10, I don't really know of any abusers that do it so quickly. But it's a gradual process of them just completely tearing you down to nothing, to where everything that they say has to be true, isolating you from your family and friends. They're slowly diminishing your entire character, your worth, your identity. You're good for nothing. And, oh, you're crazy. You're thinking that, stuff up all the gaslighting. I never said that, I never did that. That's what you think. Oh, I think you need to be on medications and then, if God forbid, a woman gets on a medication because she has postpartum depression, then it's that Now you're not even mentally functionable to take care of your kids. It's a lot of lies and mind game and fear.
Speaker 2:And when that was going on in your relationship, did you believe some of those lies?
Speaker 1:I did. I started believing them. I did. I started believing them, I did. I started believing that I was going crazy. I started believing that, well, it's probably not as bad as I think it is. There's other marriages that have to be worse than this.
Speaker 2:So it's kind of like you're bargaining and justifying the situation.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. And then there was always like the blame. I call it the blame game, where I would say, well, god, surely wouldn't have. Let me go through with it, as if he doesn't give us free will, right, and not to blame God, but just as a way of justifying it again. But essentially it's the blame game, like oh God, well, you wouldn't have let this happen if you didn't really want it to happen. But essentially it's the blame game Like oh God, well, you wouldn't have let this happen if you didn't really want it to happen. But that's not. I know now that that's not true, but these are the things that you do think of.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah and wow, what are some gradual signs that you see? You kind of mentioned a few here. What are some gradual signs that you see you kind of mentioned a few here some of the red flags that are escalated? And do you also feel like, because the escalation is gradual it's kind of like there's an example of a frog being boiled alive that because the temperature is just gradually getting hotter and hotter, it doesn't notice it as much as if you threw the frog in hot boiling water yeah, yeah, that is so true, um, for me and I tell anyone, but I always use my own personal, just because I'm not a counselor um, but you see it, every single woman that I've talked to they're like oh yeah, something very similar, but in their own way.
Speaker 1:I have seen the same exact thing, but a lot of it. It starts with isolation of any sort, where all the holidays may be at your house and then all of a sudden I don't want to have holidays here, let's go somewhere else. And then that turns into I don't want to go at all, or we're only going to like. In my case, we only went to his family's house on Christmas. It turned into like a week of Christmas that was only at his family. My kids weren't even allowed to see their biological dad for the holiday because he made sure that we were four hours away up in the mountains somewhere, and so, like that, isolation starts and even when you have company come over, they leave. And then it gets to a point where, well, if you're not even going to be here every time, my family comes over, my friends come over. What's the point of having them over? Because you know you want this family and you want this big connection with everybody and your family has their husband and wives here. Why isn't my husband here? So a lot of that isolation and then a lot of that's not what I said, which is like gaslighting in a sense, is like you hear what they said, you've seen what they did and they still deny it anyway.
Speaker 1:I know there was a time where we were looking for the cap to a razor and I saw him put it in his pocket. I said, oh, it's just in your pocket. And he reached in and said no, it's not. And like, went on, this big, huge thing went out to his truck, which was right in front of our windows, and he pulls it out of his pocket and puts the cap back on the blade and comes back in. I'm like, so did you find it? Oh, no, it's fine, I just put it in my truck. I'm like, but I watched you like, why so then? Little tiny things that make no sense, that have nothing right of any insignificance at all.
Speaker 2:You know, it's like okay, it's like why did you have to lie about the razor or make?
Speaker 1:it. Why is that part of the yeah? It just doesn't make any sense. But those little tiny things, and then they get in your head and it's like, well, no, that's not what happened. And then you almost think like, well, maybe that wasn't, Maybe I'm crazy, yeah.
Speaker 2:You start to believe that something's wrong with you.
Speaker 1:Yes, and that's in essence of how they stay on top of the game yeah, and also downgrade everybody else, like, oh, this person knows nothing and have you seen this person's life? I don't take advice from them at all. And you, you know, just because I always tried to get counseling from anyone that was married or who had even went through divorce, because I'm like, okay, you might know something that we need, you know, help from, and it's just no, their finances are messed up or no, their kid doesn't even come home on the holidays or whatever. It's always something to just get you to not even listen to anyone else either. So now it's literally just you two and really it's just them.
Speaker 2:And was that part of your story? Yeah, even though you were this bubbly person who was outgoing, had friends, was likes just you, he got you to the point where you were isolated. Yep, and I attended one of your events yeah, scene events that you do for a woman and what I discovered for the first time, and it dawned on me, um, is that you actually had your book on the regular cover, which your book is beautiful, light baby blue color with words on there, breaking free, healing from abuse and trauma, with a little graphic visual on the hair and your name. And then, next to that, laid a bunch of black books that had no label, nothing on them, and I was like are these journals? What are these? And this girl was like, oh no, these are what? Did you call them? Like the black book Blackout? Yeah, the blackout, yeah. And I was like what is that and tell us why?
Speaker 1:that is.
Speaker 1:I actually had a friend say that she had to give, had to find a way to cover the cover of my book so she could give it to someone she knows that's still in a very abusive relationship and it got me thinking that you're right, there's a lot of people I remember even I had to hide certain books because they would see them, they would read them or they would figure out what I'm reading. Why am I reading that? And my book is to help empower women. That is essentially what my vision is for that. And I said I have to make one. That's secret in hiding that even if the abuser were to pick it up, they would have to actually read it to really know. Um, I tried to hide it as best as I could. I mean, there's only so much that you can do with a book.
Speaker 2:But yeah, so is the title when you open inside, does it not have the healing from trauma and abuse, or?
Speaker 1:is. I think the title page is inside, written inside like more pages. Yeah, and I took out like the um table of contents. I took out all the bold, all of the um in there. I have like shout out pages, right, um, I took all those out. So when you're just like skimming through it it kind of just looks like a boring old book with a bunch of words on it. And I made them a lot smaller. The font is smaller, so the book in itself is smaller.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was smaller in size, yeah. Yeah, that's interesting. So because in a sense you have to hide, and, if I recall correctly, when you made a decision to leave, you didn't just freak out, pick up your stuff and left. You had to kind of create a plan. And how important is it to think rationally in that situation and not just rush the process?
Speaker 1:I say it's extremely important to think as rationally as possible, while also keeping in mind your safety and your kids' safety. It is something you have to move quick on. It's something that there's not much rational thinking when you're in that state of mind and when the things are going on of mine and when the things are going on, but when you can find some little tiny, even if it's like two minutes of your entire day where you're like, okay, this is what I have to do and then go do it. But it is so important to have that plan because if you're not planned out, it can all crumble, it can all fall. If I wasn't able to plan him getting there, I would have never been able to go home to pack my stuff. I would have had to have just taken my kids and left and I would have had no things at all. I mean, I only had one suitcase, but it was still. One suitcase was better than nothing. And for not having much money and the money that I did have, I had to hide, which was also very hard when you're pregnant and you need a bunch of baby stuff, because it was me that also had to buy that until I said, oh I have, my bank account is at zero again, so I need you to buy groceries this time, or we need you to actually buy the car seats or whatever the case may be. So having that plan is very critical, like you have to know where you're going to go, what you're going to take with you, what you're going to leave behind.
Speaker 1:I know some people have pets involved, which it's not a human life. But I know people are very attached to their pets and I understand that. But there's still, if you're taking the pet with you now, you have to make sure that you have somewhere for that pet to go. Can that go to whatever family or relative's house? Can it go to the shelter? Which shelters? I've never heard of a shelter that says, yes, that you can have a pet there, um, so you're probably gonna have to leave it behind. Or you know same medications. You have to have all your medications. You have to have your money saved up or stashed or put away, however you can the food, the food, the gas in the car, your location on your phone and your phone itself.
Speaker 1:If you guys share a phone bill, I mean you'd need to go get a burner phone immediately, which is when you can just grab at, like Walmart or something, and just put some minutes on it. So you have a phone because he might turn that off your bank accounts, essentially everything. You have a phone because he might turn that off your bank accounts, essentially everything you have to take into some type of consideration, and again, all while keeping in mind that you guys, your safety, comes first. So if that does mean leaving in the middle of the night with absolutely nothing, then do it and figure out something later.
Speaker 1:But if you have some type of time which for me I did only because my daughter went to public school at the time and because I had to get a job, I did not want my son in daycare and so he went with me. So I worked at the school bus company, so my son was with me 24-7. He was able to come to work with me and then when I got off of work and it was only school hours, so I literally took my daughter to school, I picked her up, so she was also with me if she wasn't in public school. So I had that little extra time. Even though the abuse happened while I was at home and with my kids, there was still just enough that I was able to say, hey, I need to talk to you guys. We were able to set that up and then go through with everything.
Speaker 2:Yeah, what would you say to someone who may be listening to this and are seeing the signs of abuse and they are in an abusive relationship and they want to leave, but they don't know where to start?
Speaker 1:I would say I tell everyone that I've actually spoke with they have to start with the decision to actually do it. That is the first initial step. If you are just wishy-washy about it, you should really leave still, but nine times out of ten you're going to go back. I understand that. I get that that's not the right answer, but you have to. The very first thing is you have to decide that that is in fact what you're going to do and then come up with some type of plan and with a safe person that you can talk to, whether it be a friend, a family member, a counselor.
Speaker 1:If you have absolutely nobody in the world like legit, then go find a church and just walk into one and just see what they say. I mean, most of them may say you're crazy and you better not leave your husband, Um, but there are some that are not going to do that. Um, reach out to me and we can figure out something also. But those are like the two most important things is making up your mind to actually do it and then having that safe person that you can have some type of plan to do it, and then having that safe person that you can have some type of plan to follow through?
Speaker 2:Somebody who can hold you accountable in a sense, who is aware of what you're doing. Yeah, and they can hold you to it. Yeah, and can encourage you when you're like you know what. Maybe it's not so bad.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah. You definitely don't want someone that's going to be like ah, you should just go back Like no, yeah.
Speaker 2:and are there what are some programs that are offered for women in these kind of situation, like some government programs that like where can a woman go for help if she's in that situation?
Speaker 1:So I know at the courthouse you can go and get a PFA, which they do the same exact day that you walk in and apply, and through them they also have a lot of resources where they can set you up with shelters. There are also a lot of places that are for single moms that you can just go in. Most of them have waiting lists, but they at least have some type of resource that they can get you into something quick. I have a lot of resources on my social media stuff, but the courthouse, I would say, would be the best place, just because you do at least have some type of legal protection on top of that. I know when I went in for my PFA, I sat down, I filled out the paperwork and I'd seen a judge that, like they don't let you go home until you see the judge and talk about your PFA case and then you get a temporary PFA.
Speaker 2:Okay and tell us what PFA is for those who don't know.
Speaker 1:So a PFA is a protection from abuse and it will help you. It essentially protects you. So it's a piece of paper that is supposed to protect you from the abuser. However, this is where I say they're not very helpful, because the paper is helpful and if the abuser gets in contact with you or does anything, they immediately can go to jail.
Speaker 2:Because there's essentially like a complaint has been filed already, so there's an outstanding complaint. Yes, Okay.
Speaker 1:However, the abuser will find out. The day that you file it, the day that the judge says yes, yes, they will send one to the abuser and they will know everything that you said about them and that the. Pfa is in place.
Speaker 2:Yes, and then you go home to that abuser.
Speaker 1:Yes, and hopefully by this time you have a plan and so you can go to your plan instead of home, because you do not want to go home. They come and they seize all the weapons, which took us a little while only because he worked a lot and it was almost impossible to figure out when he was home. And of course now he knows that they're coming to seize his weapons at some point in time. So they send out the state police, the sheriffs, everybody time. So they send out the state police, the sheriffs, everybody, and they go and seize all the weapons out the house and, in my case, out of his car as well. So your abuser knows like what you did and they're never happy about that at all. So that's why having a plan is definitely number one.
Speaker 2:Wow, that's really interesting because that puts you at risk if you are coming home yes, I mean if your significant other has weapons at home and they're angry at you for making this complaint, and you said they know everything you've written about them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, they give them the paper that you wrote all the details on. Now, as scary as that sounds, I highly highly suggest you always have a plan and a safe place to go before you do the PFA. Because of that, because they're going to find out Unless you're home and you're the one checking the mail and you can take that letter. Don't open it for legal purposes, but if you can at least take the letter and hide it until you can get somewhere safe, then you can do that. But they have the right to know they're going to find out anyway when the police show up and seize everything I know for us it didn't.
Speaker 1:It did not look like a hey, we're just knocking on the door. Here we are, you know, can we come in? It was a. They told me. They raided the house. Wow, and there were a whole lot more weapons in my house than I thought. I had no idea because I got to see that as well. I got to sign the paper um, which was a long list of weapons, which he was very good. He was very sneaky and he liked the knights, the night visions and the silencers and the big AKs and ARs and whatever they are and handguns everywhere and for whatever reason. Police badges and bulletproof vests in our house.
Speaker 2:And it amazes me that, and given that some of these voices that you heard from didn't know the whole story.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:But at the same time and those voices you said were shouting louder than the supporting voices saying you're wrong, you need to stay and you should continue to be married to this abuser.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Meanwhile, you are essentially fearing for your life and your children's life with the situation that was going on.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yes, Wow. And on top of that, when you did make the choice to leave, you're thinking this is so hard. Maybe I should just go back.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's so wild, brittany. That's so wild, brittany. It's wild because I think that what I'm loving about this conversation is there are people that don't know what we just talked about, that have never heard an insight from an insider. Yeah, and to hear it from that perspective really opens the eyes of well, why won't this person just leave? Yeah, if they don't like their relationship, why don't they just leave? Yes, because and you said it's easier to stay yeah, on top of that, we are human beings that are. Our mind is always like trying to preserve as much energy as possible.
Speaker 2:So doing anything risky, unfamiliar is scary. Yes, and you know most people will stay at job they hate. Do the things that they don't enjoy because that's familiar. Yeah, and familiarity is more comfortable than the unknown. Yes, because what are you going to do with your kids when you leave? Who's going to take you in? How are you going to provide for your family Exactly? How is all these questions that make you doubt your decision? Mm-hmm. Yeah, and when you did, I mean you did say that you had a decent amount of support. Do you feel like there's sufficient programs and opportunities that exist currently for women that were in a situation, or in a situation that you were, in?
Speaker 1:No, I mean I don't know all of the resources. I'm sure there's tons that I just don't know of. I'm constantly learning of new resources now with this organization, but it does not seem like there's a lot that help. It's very hard to find good ones that do the ones that there are out there. It's hard to find a good one and then one that even helps you in the long run, because I mean shelters they're only even good for so long.
Speaker 1:I know there's plenty of shelters that they look just like normal houses in the middle of wherever and the government just puts them, they buy the house or whatever, and these are like safe houses. You can walk down the street. You would never know if it was a safe house or if it was someone else's house that lives there. But even those, it's like you have to get in and get out.
Speaker 1:We have other people that you know are coming from abusive situations that need a place to stay tonight, and you've been here for a week or you've only been here for a couple of days and it's like, well, I understand that they have to get out today, but where am I? It's only been a week. Where am I going to go with my kids. So there are those, and then even just emergency types of funding, like wish that we had all this stuff, because obviously it's going to come from somebody, which is us, that pays taxes. So it is hard, but that's why I feel like there's not enough resources, um, but that's also why I want it to be a some sort of a resource myself and, um, why I started the organization.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I love that you're using your experience, your trauma, to guide other women and help them, and you have an event coming up in July as well, and can you tell us a little more about that and the purpose of that?
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I'm really more about that and the purpose of that and, um, yeah, um, so I'm really excited about that event. Um, I'll be doing most of the speaking at that event, um, but it's really just to empower and encourage these women that are coming from abusive situations. Whatever form of abuse that is, it doesn't have to just be physical or sexual, it could be mental or just emotional abuse or any type of trauma as well. I've had lots of trauma in my life. I've lost my first son in 2007, and that was a very traumatic experience for me, because I left the hospital without him. I wasn't allowed to talk to the doctors.
Speaker 1:So just knowing how trauma affects you, how abuse affects you, and how abuse and trauma go hand in hand, I really just want to open this to those women that are hurting. Or maybe you've already been out of that and you've been healed and you just want to help other women. Because that's my goal, that's the purpose of I Am Free Movement is to empower, equip and educate, and through all of that, we're able to help other women get out of these situations and give them resources and knowledge, and we're working on a lot of funding as well, so that way, we can hopefully set people up in houses or cars or rent money, mortgage money, whatever it is that will help them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so the purpose of this event is really to empower these women, though, and just let them know that you're not worthless, it's not all in your head, and there is so much more outside of being abused and traumatized. There's so much more. If you could just get a grasp of your identity which I want to tell you all about your identity, because we have amazing identities, whether we believe it, know it or not and just really help them leave their feeling like they're filled and they have some sense of self-worth and that they can overcome, they can break free, they can move forward in life, they can own businesses, they can own homes, they can adopt kids, even if they're single, they can go through the divorce and they can leave, and it's just that wide variety of just really empowering them and letting them know who they are, who they really are.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and also that they're not alone. Yes, because, like you said, the tactic of an abuser is always to isolate and make you feel alone, and then you feel crazy because you're not hearing any other sound voices that you can bounce off of, share ideas, I have questions, it's you and you're stuck. So not feeling alone is, I would think, would be a huge component.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and we're still going to take from a lot of the good stuff that we had from our first event. We got really good feedback on the Q&A and the panel that we had Just being able to have the guests interact with us and ask questions, or whoever it is that I have on the panel for July, because I like to look for new people and new voices and I always meet new people too. It's like God's just like bringing people and I'm like, oh my gosh, your story is amazing, like I need you. You could touch so many lives.
Speaker 2:So we're really, really excited about that. Yeah, and so what was some of the ways that you helped heal from the abusive relationship that you were able to get out of?
Speaker 1:So definitely counseling. And then another one of my favorites was affirmations. I absolutely love affirmations. At first it's very intimidating to say like I am strong and I am beautiful and I'm smart and I know my worth and I am worthy, I'm loved. It's very hard to say those things at first. Like at first, I just kind of like Like, brittany, you're outstanding.
Speaker 1:yeah, it's like no, like that's how you feel, and like you kind of just like mumble them out or you just read them. Some of them I literally had to write down and I could only read it. I couldn't even get the words to utter out these things that are true about me, that I just didn't believe at the time. And but then over time, it's just like wow, and then, like you just get this like self-confidence and it's like I'm like on top of the world, not like in a cocky way either, but just like look where I came from, like God really just did that.
Speaker 2:And yeah, because well, and I think why it's so important is because you have been hearing someone who has been doing the opposite.
Speaker 2:they have been telling you lies and speaking into who you are, that you're not, and saying things that you're worthless yeah that you're perhaps, that you're ugly, that you're, um, you know, never going to make it without them, that you, you know all the things, yeah, that are an attack on your identity, not what you're doing. So there's a difference between saying, hey, you just lied to me or you are a liar, yeah, and when you say those things, so it's like you've been programmed to believe something about yourself that isn't true. So what you have to do is practically take words that are opposite and speak those words to yourself and say I am worthy yes I'm beautiful, you know I'm capable.
Speaker 2:Yes, I'm strong, I'm courageous, all the things I love that. It's a practical step to take.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and journaling, that was another one. I have a journal for every year and I just journal, journal, journal anything, Everything that comes to my mind. Sometimes it's just like a brain dump, sometimes it's something very intentional, like how do I feel today or what triggered me today. Recognizing triggers that's another thing that helped me heal. Boundaries were a huge one that helped me heal Once I realized what boundaries were, how to set them properly and recognize that they're boundaries, not walls. We're not building like cement walls so they can come down, they can be adjusted, they can be down, they can be adjusted, they can be moved. Some people, they need to just be. You know fortified walls that you can't get through. But, um, setting those boundaries, that helped big time.
Speaker 1:Like I went through, I think it was probably three months, maybe even more, where my only answer was no to everyone, no matter what they asked me. It was just no, can you do? No, can you no? But the kids really want to see you. No, and was that hard? At first? It was until I realized like, wow, I have a lot of peace right now. I needed these boundaries, I needed to be able to say no, I can't watch your kids all day because I have four of my own. So unless your kids can take care of and that's one of my boundaries still unless your kids can take care of themselves, then unfortunately I am not the babysitter, unless it's an emergency situation. But it's just setting. Boundaries are amazing.
Speaker 2:And was that kind of period recommended by your counselor to do that, to kind of get you in the habit of saying no, no?
Speaker 1:I actually I found it oh gosh, I don't even. I think it was like some podcast or a sermon I was listening to. It was something I was listening to and I was like, hmm, that's interesting. And then I was like somebody literally had asked me to do some type of work for them and like for their own stuff, like they could have researched this and did it all themselves. But it was like, hey, can you do this for me? And I was like, well, I can't today, because. And then I was like, delete, delete, delete, because half of that is a lie, because I'm not doing anything today. And then I just said no, send. And it was like I was so terrified and they were just like, oh, ok, thanks anyway. And I was like, oh my gosh, no explanation, no, nothing, right, all right. And so then I just got in the habit of just no.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that's to protect your peace. There's also an important portion of healing that has to happen in that that time frame is important to be protected, yeah, and have safety and not be serving. You know like the healing process is. It's almost like the you retreat a bit in order to receive and not to be the giver in that point. So there's wisdom in you setting those boundaries.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and now I can say yes to a lot more stuff.
Speaker 2:Yes, and you're doing some amazing things and I had such an honor of meeting you at our retreat and that was just. That was amazing. I don't think we'd be sitting here today if you didn't come to the retreat. No, I don't think we'd be sitting here today if you didn't come to the retreat. No, I don't think so. Yeah, I got to know you and I was like Brittany has an amazing story and what a beautiful soul that you are and it's just such an honor to have you here. Yeah, so glad you said yes to the retreat. You weren't in your three-month-no thing. Yeah, what would you say to someone? Or I should say this is there anything that you want?
Speaker 1:the listeners to know that I haven't asked you. I feel like we touched on a lot of the main questions, at least, that I've always got and really just I'm just trying to go back and think of, like, what other people have asked me in the past that are like big questions. It's a really such a such a big topic that you I mean you just can't cover. And I've had three hour phone conversations with people and it's like they're still asked at the end of the conversation it's like okay, well, I got to call you back later because I still need this question asked. So it's like a big. It is Um, but I think we really did touch on like a lot of the bigger things, um, on like a lot of the bigger things, at least the most important, like to start for sure. But if I had to just let any listener know it's just really that you're not alone in this and no matter what your decision is, it's not necessarily the wrong decision.
Speaker 1:I know that there are different forms of abuses that are not physical and not life threatening that I have seen be healed. It's not always the case. So I definitely think that, whatever it is that you're going through, if you feel like you need to get out, then try to find somebody with a sound mind that is not going to sway you in either direction of going or not. That way you can just hear for yourself and really make that decision for yourself, because ultimately, if it's not your decision, then you're not going to follow through with it and I think that's like the biggest. One of the biggest things to realize is that you have to make your own decisions in these times and get away to clear your head. If that's the case, like if it's just and I don't say just lightly, because I've been mentally abused and I've been physically abused and I think that's another one where the physical abuse is easier as well, because the bruises go away, you can get away from a person, but the mental abuse it's going to be in your head, nagging you no matter where you go, no matter what next relationship you get into. So definitely heal, but if it's not life-threatening, then take that time to really consider what your actions are and what it is that's best for you and your family, because it's not easy, it really is not. Um, especially if there was no child abuse involved, then, yes, the parent gets to take the kids, um, and even narcissistic abuse is so hard to prove in courts, um, and it does affect your kids, it really does.
Speaker 1:But it does not mean that you deserve it. Still, you don't deserve that. You are much. You're better than that. You're worth so much more than that.
Speaker 1:Kids that are in broken homes I know they say statistically, but they are still happier than in a broken home that's together, like if you and your spouse are together and you're not good, that is worse on a child than your child seeing you both apart but doing good. So don't fear that kind of stuff. Or really, if I could just tell you guys to take out fear. Fear is such a big thing. Just take that out. You can do it. You can overcome, you can get through this. Like I said earlier, you can still have the businesses and have more kids. You can get into healthy relationships and other marriages. It is possible. But you have to choose and make your own decision on that and you have to heal properly and continue to heal, always, always, always, continue to heal.
Speaker 1:There are things that I've healed from that. I feel like I'm confident that I healed from it. I used to not be able to watch romantic movies. I would get so upset and then I got angry. I would get so upset and then I got like angry, I would get so mad at romantic. I'm like he is such a liar and how can you believe that. And this is not true. Like these are just stupid movies, like I would get so mad. But now here I am on the couch like a little giggly little teenage like, oh my gosh, that's so cute. Look at them. They're gonna get married and so there are things that you can heal from um, and as you heal, realize, like you'll notice, that other things that were like compressed way deep down start to come up to the surface because you've got rid of all that other stuff.
Speaker 1:It's, it's done and you've healed from it and now you're like well, I actually kind of feel like crap or like this now is triggering me. That never triggered me before. Come to find out it's like from childhood stuff that you just have to heal from again. So healing is definitely contin, continual, but it is very important it's a layering process. Yes.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, where can people find you?
Speaker 1:Brittany, I am on social media, on Facebook, facebookcom slash IamFreeMVMT. You can find me there. That, I would say right now is the easiest place to find me, because on Facebook you can find me there. That I would say right now is the easiest place to find me, because on Facebook you can find me everywhere else. My book is on Amazon. It's also on that Facebook, as well as my organization stuff and the new Instagram page that I'm trying to get up for you guys. The official website is coming soon as well. I have someone doing an organization website for that, oh, amazing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm excited. I'm so excited for you and what you're doing in the world. Thank you, get Brittany's book. Is the blackout version available on Amazon as well? Yes, it is, ooh, okay. So there you go, you can get the either version. It's called breaking free, healing from abuse and trauma by britney. It's pronounced gary, but really it's french and it's, say it for me, guare, guare. Okay. So there it is. Um, well, you I'm not even gonna ask you what the bravest thing you've done, because this whole episode is all the brave things. What is one book that has been the most impactful in your healing journey?
Speaker 1:Probably even before my healing journey.
Speaker 1:I would say the Slight Edge, and I know it doesn't really sound like a healing type of book, but the Slight Edge really just was a huge eye-opener for me and I constantly remembered it and I re-bought it, even when my library got taken. That was a huge book for me and then even in my healing it was because of that book. I was like that and Atomic Habits. I was like I have to do every single minute. I have to do something to get where I want to be, I want to be healed, I want to be happy, I want to be full of joy, I want to help other people.
Speaker 1:So definitely those two books and one more specifically on healing, if I can just add one is the Garden Within and that's with Dr Anita Phillips, I believe is her name, and that book is amazing. That book, if you want something on actual like physical healing in your body and your mind and the way that we were literally designed and created through psychology and God's design, the science, the faith and how all of our actions and our responses and our traumas and everything flow and how they go and how those things work, then definitely get that book. The Garden Within.
Speaker 2:I love that. And what is the best piece of advice you've ever been given? To forgive myself.
Speaker 1:Ooh, who told you that? My aunt.
Speaker 2:Yes, oh, that's so good. That is so good. You're not the first person who we touched on this in the interviews and we talked about why that was hard for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How hard is it to forgive yourself?
Speaker 1:Very hard. I think I think it was easier to forgive everyone else than it was to forgive myself, even the abuser. Even the abuser. I felt like there were times where I was just like I don't even like, don't go to jail, I don't care, like just as long as he can just stay away from me, I'm fine, and stay away from my kids. Then I don't care what happens, like I don't even want to go to court anymore, like it's just, if I see him, I don't think I would even have a mad bone in my body.
Speaker 1:Now, I didn't get to see him enough times to test that theory, but I just that's just how I feel. But for me it was like you monster. It was very hard to forgive myself, um, especially having to look at my kids every single day, feeling and thinking at the time that I caused their pain and I caused like their life to just and I didn't physically do it and I didn't know that this was gonna happen, right, um, so I wasn't a monster, I'm not a monster, but to forgive myself for going through with it and all of that, yeah, that was hard.
Speaker 2:Well, brittany, you are so brave and I'm so proud of you for sitting here and sharing your story, and I know it's going to reach people that it's meant to reach, and so I just want to thank you for your time and your courage, your resilience to continue to fight for your healing, fight for the future of your kids, and also to now continue to fight for other women who were in your shoes. Yes, so thank you. Thank you. Thank you for listening to the Once we Dare podcast. It is an honor to share these encouraging stories with you. If you enjoy the show, I would love for you to tell your friends, leave us a reviewer rating and subscribe to wherever you listen to podcasts, because this helps others discover the show. You can find me on my website, speckhopalcom. Thank you.