Self-Care Society
Episode 85: Decolonizing Self-Care
Navigating the multifaceted terrains of identity has never felt more intimate and empowering than in our conversation with Delfin Bautista. As the director of the Cantu Queer Center at UC Santa Cruz, Delfin brings a wealth of experience, blending their Cuban and Salvadoran heritage with a passion for social justice and community building. This episode takes you beyond the textbook definitions, offering a heartfelt exploration into the life of a queer and trans individual whose journey intersects with faith, activism, and the pursuit of creating nurturing environments for marginalized voices in academia. Delfin's candidness about their 22-year relationship, the ability to remain resilient, and the art of self-expression provides a rich backdrop for understanding the complexities of living authentically.
The dialogue unfolds into a candid discussion about the challenges and triumphs of being an LGBTQ+ elder and role model, addressing delicate issues like imposter syndrome and cultural stigmas surrounding mental health. Delfin's vulnerability in sharing their experiences highlights the importance of connection and understanding in our communities. Furthermore, we engage in a thought-provoking discourse on redefining self-care in professional spaces, moving past commercialized norms to embrace practices that truly resonate with cultural and individual identities. Join us as we acknowledge the evolution of care within our work environments and celebrate the courage it takes to maintain authenticity amidst the pressures of our careers, facilitated by the insightful and inspiring narrative of Delfin Bautista.
Navigating the multifaceted terrains of identity has never felt more intimate and empowering than in our conversation with Delfin Bautista. As the director of the Cantu Queer Center at UC Santa Cruz, Delfin brings a wealth of experience, blending their Cuban and Salvadoran heritage with a passion for social justice and community building. This episode takes you beyond the textbook definitions, offering a heartfelt exploration into the life of a queer and trans individual whose journey intersects with faith, activism, and the pursuit of creating nurturing environments for marginalized voices in academia. Delfin's candidness about their 22-year relationship, the ability to remain resilient, and the art of self-expression provides a rich backdrop for understanding the complexities of living authentically.
The dialogue unfolds into a candid discussion about the challenges and triumphs of being an LGBTQ+ elder and role model, addressing delicate issues like imposter syndrome and cultural stigmas surrounding mental health. Delfin's vulnerability in sharing their experiences highlights the importance of connection and understanding in our communities. Furthermore, we engage in a thought-provoking discourse on redefining self-care in professional spaces, moving past commercialized norms to embrace practices that truly resonate with cultural and individual identities. Join us as we acknowledge the evolution of care within our work environments and celebrate the courage it takes to maintain authenticity amidst the pressures of our careers, facilitated by the insightful and inspiring narrative of Delfin Bautista.
Welcome to the Self-Care Society podcast with your hosts Celia Williamson, ashley Kuchar, louie Guardiola and Keri Shaw, a podcast devoted to those whose job it is to help others get or remain mentally, physically and emotionally healthy, but who also need to take care of themselves.
Speaker 2:And how we're going to do this by first showing you the filtered, pretty version of success and then the real struggles, real work and raw grit it took to get there, how they took care of themselves and also achieved their goals while doing it.
Speaker 3:Together, we will work with you to improve and maintain your internal health and growth, while helping you achieve your external goals and your next professional achievement in life.
Speaker 2:And we're excited to show you how to follow your own individual and unique path and achieve the dreams you have, while taking good care of yourself. So let's get started. Welcome to the Self-Care Society podcast. I'm Keri Shaw, and with me this week we have my good friend, Delphine Bautista. Welcome to our podcast, Delphine. Thank you for having me. So, Delphine, we'd like to start out by just learning a little bit about our guests. So if you would like to share a few words, so if you would like to share a few words.
Speaker 3:And so again, muchas gracias for this opportunity, as was shared. My name is Dilping my pronouns in English are they them or simply my name and I currently serve as the director for the Cantu Queer Center at UC Santa Cruz. I am originally from Miami, florida. Born and raised, I'm Cuban and Salvadoran. I identify as both queer and trans and often use the phrase queer and trans diva of sacred sex, and have focused a lot of my work, professionally and personally, at the intersections of faith, religion and queer and trans justice. And then, lastly, I have a master's in social work as well as a master's in divinity, and I will be celebrating 22 years, 23 years Jamie's going to kill me 22 years together. And yeah, that's just a little about me in a nutshell.
Speaker 2:Fantastic and felicidades Gracias. So, delfina, as you know, we talked a little bit about the structure of this podcast, but we like to talk about the real to real person um with our guests. So we're gonna start out with questions about how, who you are on the outside, how how you um maybe present to the world, how the world sees you in the R-E-E-L sense.
Speaker 3:That is a good question that I've been reflecting on for a little bit now and I think how the world perceives me, how the world also engages me, is as a social worker and it is my frame of reference when it comes to looking at social justice issues, when it comes to just looking at the work that happens in higher ed and it's been exciting here, more so than at previous institutions that I've been at that there's a group of social workers that we've come together in a group of MSWs where we've come together to support each other, which has been exciting and so perceived as a social worker, as an activist, as a troublemaker and hopefully the good sense of that a person who doesn't back down from asking questions, but politely so, and so asking questions to challenge folks to think about things in a different way or in a new way, but not from a place of trying to undermine or attack. A place of trying to undermine or attack. I am mindful when it comes to my queerness and my transness. I can be very colorful. I'm not wearing them today, but I do have a pair of rainbow glasses and I can be sort of extremely just, sort of out there and some days I'm excited about that and some days I just want to go about my day and not have to answer questions about gender and sexuality and other things. But just being able to be perceived as an out queer person is both exciting but also a little scary.
Speaker 3:When I moved to Santa Cruz, when my partner and I did the the drive from the Midwest here, being able to travel across the the country and having a rainbow mask uh, having a rainbow bag with with trans pins uh, was a little scary in in some parts of the country, but also really healing.
Speaker 3:We had folks come up to us like, oh, I'm a non-binary person and today's non-binary visibility day, or where did you get your rainbow mask? We don't have those here in XYZ town and so embracing what it means to be visible, both with the challenges and opportunities that brings and the seeds that are planted along the way. Lastly, as a person of faith, folks are always intrigued by that intersection of my background, always intrigued by that intersection of my background. Having been a hospital chaplain, having a degree in ministry, and feeling comfortable talking about religion and spirituality from a queer perspective, from a feminist perspective, and just being perceived as the queer religious one is an interesting role or I often see it as a form of ministry to live into, just being able to create spaces for folks just to be who they are and ask questions, and so I think those are some of the ways that I am perceived. My mother would say I'm a pain in the butt but she says it more colorfully in Spanish, but in general.
Speaker 2:That is, I think, how I'm perceived. I know that from my perspective, knowing you and we have some overlap in some of these areas and that spirituality piece for me has always been really fascinating that you have been able to really be in this space as a social worker and as someone who's really engaged in religion and super in spirituality like some. That is just sometimes an intersection that we don't see, because there's also. There's always um, not always, but oftentimes are real separation or um. I mean it's. It's almost like a separation of church and state kind of perspective. I think in social work that we, we just don't go there. So I think that I learned a lot about how to be in that space from you, thank you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah. So, gosh, I feel like I wish this were like a call-in podcast, because I think people you're probably hitting a lot of buttons that people are like, oh, I want to talk about this. So I guess I mean, my next question is really, if that's who you are on the outside, how is the inside Delphine or the more internal Delphine different and what does that mean for you and what does that?
Speaker 3:mean for you. That is an amazing, complicated whirlwind of a question In some of the thoughts that come to mind. When I lived in community, when my partner and I lived in community in Minneapolis, we met our house, our soon-to-be housemates. Jason is still recovering from the experience. The first thing out of their mouths to the two of us who they were meeting for the first time over Zoom was oh, you are, our elders, are elders, uh, and Jason's like WTF, I'm only in my 40s. Like elder, um, but um, one of them shared like yeah, for a trans person to reach their 40s in some places is inspiring, uh, and and so to embrace this title, mantle calling of being an elder and what that means and the responsibility that that carries. And then here in Santa Cruz, students looking to me as one of their elders and calling me that and wanting to embrace that with humility, also like I'm also only in my 40s, but okay, this is an honor and something to embrace and take seriously.
Speaker 3:Some of the things that are not often visible is a lot of the insecurity around navigating certain spaces as a queer person, as a trans person, as a person of color, as a person who asks questions, and not feeling good enough and having to justify or prove my credentials and my experience, especially in the world of higher ed. And thankfully my now supervisor has my first year basically in all our touch bases, reminding me that I hired you. I know you can do this job. You have nothing to prove, you've done that already. But still I know folks are framing it from imposter syndrome to imposter phenomena, just just feeling that I'm not good enough and that I have to somehow prove my enoughness to the world. And again, that's not a struggle. That is always visible. I do live with depression and some days it's impossible to get out of bed. Some days it's impossible to get out of bed, and those are things that my still.
Speaker 3:At Ohio university I shared a reflection that I wrote for um. A student group came together to talk about suicide awareness and so I shared a reflection where I talk about my struggles with suicide and my mother freaked out. She's like you can't talk about that, they're going to fire you. That's not acceptable, um, that people are going to look down on you and and so the cultural stigma cultural stigma to talking about mental health realities and not that I share those things for people to feel bad for me or to look up to me, but just being able to share that. This queer trans, frumpy diva, is also a person who is experiencing things similar to them, and we often talk about coming out and being out from an LGBT perspective, but there are other forms of coming out and being out and navigating the world.
Speaker 3:The last thing that comes to mind is I've been labeled the head queer in many institutions that that I I've worked in. Uh, here some people refer to me as the head queer in charge. Uh, like, I'm not in charge, um, and sometimes the, the, the insecurity, the, the fear that that I experienced. Uh, you know what does it mean to wear a skirt in public? What does it mean to get my nails done at the salon and to have a group of individuals just sort of stare at me as I'm getting acrylics both the nail technician and all of those around the nail technician, the nail technician being able to see students live into their journeys of affirmation as they transition and sometimes feeling jealous like I wish I could do that. They're looking to me for inspiration, but I'm looking to them for inspiration just because part of me would like to have a conversation with a healthcare provider about hormones, but am I ready to have that conversation with my partner? Am I ready to have that conversation with my family? Am I ready to have that conversation with my coworkers? And so just having to the fear, insecurity, doubt, confusion, of externalizing a lot of the internal questions and doubts that I experienced At the same time that I experienced those things, being extremely mindful that that doesn't make me less of a person, it doesn't make me less trans, it doesn't make me less queer.
Speaker 3:I do need to start practicing my Spanish more. You know, the fact that sometimes I forget a word in Spanish doesn't make me less Latine, and so, yeah, but again, sort of that imposter phenomena that exists professionally but also personally, is something that I've become very good at hiding through laughter, through snark, through sarcasm, through jokes, and have started to recognize that it's okay to be vulnerable, it's okay to share these things with others, but it's not easy. Yeah, yeah, that was a lot, I apologize.
Speaker 2:It is a lot. I mean, I think that I'm not alone in saying that you are just this natural leader, that you are just this natural leader and and what you know. What does that? What does that mean, and what kind of responsibility or burden do we put on people that we see as leaders and oftentimes don't give them that space to be vulnerable? Like you know, we, we have kind of rigid definitions of what that means, and sometimes, and I think that, um, I'm glad to see you feel, feeling like you're moving towards a place of being vulnerable and being vulnerable out loud, Right, Um, because that's leading to, um, I mean, I, in some ways, I think that that is, um, that feminist leadership style, you know, leaning into that more so than being a certain, I don't know, like managing all of your emotions in a box and I remember having a conversation with a student who just extreme mental health realities for them.
Speaker 3:They were struggling with depression, they were concerned about harming themselves, and when I shared with them I was like, look, I want to keep the focus on you, but just speaking from my own self, having been committed to psychiatric ward for a week of my life in grad school, was a very scary thing but also a very whole-lizing thing, and I don't want to fill you with false hope that things are going to automatically get better. But you need to take a week off. You need to take a week off and everything, things will come together, and the ways that they need to come together. And from there the student called and admitted themselves, just because they're like, oh okay, the thing may not have it all together and is, you know, falling apart, but like you can also rebuild. And if they can do it, I can do it. And so recognizing the impact and the ripple effect that being vulnerable has, especially with the communities that we serve, helps them embrace their own vulnerability to then be able to seek the support that they need.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, yeah. Yeah, that's a great example of how powerful vulnerability is and how it just opens up that space for others is, and how it just opens up that space for others. And it's a great segue into my next question about self-care, because this is a self-care society and I think you've talked a little bit about how some other people have embraced and take care of you, but how do you take care of you, delphine?
Speaker 3:That is ongoing mystery of my life, Consistent professional goal in my assessments and evaluations, it's a struggle. As much as I am a strong advocate for others to take care of themselves, Taking care of me is not as a handful and is a full-time job, and so what I learned after the experience I had in grad school about being in a psychiatric ward for a weekend and being committed Was that asking for help is not going to make my head pop up and I'm not going to explode into a glittery you know firework by asking Carrie, you know I'm having a hard time. Can we just grab coffee? Or I don't know what to do for this social work Instead of teaching. Can I get ideas? Or reaching out to mutual friends like Michelle and Winsome?
Speaker 3:Sometimes reaching out to my family is a little challenging just because, like me, they automatically go into fixer mode, like, oh, oh, you need to do this to fix this and it's just like no, I just want to complain and vent and process and not have everything fixed and you should do this, you should do this. Um, my dear beloved jason has grown a lot, I think early on in our relationship. Um, anytime either of us had a challenge, we automatically went into fix-it mode and now we're just learning to create space, for I just need to vent for a little bit. We can then figure out if I need to do anything, but for right now just need to vent or be angry or cry or just watch cartoons and not answer all of the questions that I know you have. And so finding those people, finding my people along the journey, being in a unit here within UC Santa Cruz where not just myself but my supervisor, my fellow directors, the folks that we supervise, even our interns, are like you need to make sure that you're taking care of yourself, so you take care of us. But you know, I remember a student asking me in supervision. I asked them like oh, what are you doing to take care of yourself? And then they answered and then they're like and how are you taking care of yourself? And I was like who's the supervisor here? And so that there is this culture and commitment to self-care and communal care. But at the same time it's hard.
Speaker 3:I think for me it's a part of being Cuban and sort of Latina, Latinx culture that you work, work, work, work, work, because you have to prove yourself to this culture and this country and how you do that is by working to the point that you can't work anymore. I think part of it also comes from experiences of gender dysphoria in terms of why am I taking care of a body that I don't feel connected to? And working on that more and more and recognizing the need to take care of myself and but I think, for a long time struggling with like, oh, I don't feel this is like my body, it's not the body that I want to inhabit or to express to the world I'm just going to treat it like garbage, and recognizing that that's not wholizing or or healthy, and so the need to that I do need to take care of myself so that one day, if I do decide to medically transition, my body can take it. Uh and and so um, a lot of the self-care is reminding myself of the reminders that I give others, and so I often tell my team you need to make sure you're drinking water, that you're sleeping, that you're taking time to disconnect from social media, that here in Santa Cruz, you know, go to the ocean, hug a tree.
Speaker 3:Like there are things here that we can do and that I need to do myself and not just nudge my team and those around me to do, but that I need to practice those things myself. Lastly and this has taken a lot of work, a lot of kicks in the butt, especially, I don't have to prove myself anymore. I am proud of my accomplishments, of work that I did while I was at Ohio University, work that I'm starting to do here at UC Santa Cruz, work that I've done in other spaces. I am not an expert. I know what I know and know that there's a lot that I don't know.
Speaker 2:I lost you, delphine. I think you're back, okay, oh, yes, Okay, it's okay, we can just edit that, but you were talking about not having to prove yourself and that you there's not an, not an expert, but you know things.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I think for a long time I was like, oh, you know, I need to be grateful as a person of color that I have a seat at the table, or as a queer and trans person that I have a seat at the straight table. And it's not about like saying a few to everyone, uh, or dismissing folks or or, or being mean, um or unkind to to others, but it really is like. You know, I'm going to own it for myself, uh, and I'm going to share what I know, I'm going to ask questions and I'm going to center my comfort rather than the comfort of others. Intellectually, I understand that Embodying that every day is a whole other story.
Speaker 3:Just because we fall into those tropes again, we fall into those messages that we've internalized that take a lot of time to crack and deconstruct and reconstruct. Friends of mine have shared that we often talk about oh, we need a seat at the table, but what if we burn the table down and create something new? Just because that table, there is still a power dynamic there, and so not just saying that, but finding ways to actually live it and to reach the point where I feel a lot of these things, I was like, yes, I'm not going to center white supremacy and I'm going to challenge this white normativity that exists. Thank you, chancellor. So-and-so, thank you for giving us a closet to work out of and so having those moments of just sort of fieriness, fierceness, feistiness, and then being like, oh no, I need to keep my job, and so that some days it's a little easier said than done, but at least creating a space where I can at least think about certain things that before I was very scared of.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I want to go back because this is something I've been thinking a lot about. Now that we are elders, we have worked in spaces that maybe did not support self-care, and I'm wondering if you're seeing a shift in the way self-care looks or is talked about in workspaces, the way self-care looks or is talked about in workspaces in higher ed or in other spheres that you're in. Just wondering if you have any perspective on that.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I have seen a shift. I think early on in my career and in my life, the focus was like oh, go, get your nails done, get a mani-pedi, go for a massage, go to the spa. And I started to realize that that's not sustainable. It's nice, but not everyone has access to those resources, and so I've appreciated the reframing of self-care to focus on things like eating and making sure you have access to food that you're getting, rest that you know. Sleeping for eight hours isn't necessarily the solution, but making sure that you are resting when you sleep. Again, connecting with nature in whatever ways one can connect with nature, whether it's just sitting on the beach and looking at the ocean here with the redwoods and the sequoias, you know, literally hugging them, or just taking a moment to walk away from our screens for a little bit. One of the things things actually, earlier today, we had a conversation with some coworkers about creating a healing community care circle next week for everything that's happening on campus, and one of the things that came up is sometimes a healing event for a community is creating an altar and being able to lift up the names of folks not only who have died, but lift up the names and memories of folks who inspire us, and just creating a communal altar can be a form of self-care and healing. And so decolonizing and de-whiting self-care and looking as Latinos, as Latinex folk, for us the smallest unit of self is community, and so sometimes it means going to a dance and, yes, our music can be very exhausting to dance to, but just being in community and in that space around food music, just sort of the sabor of being in that space. Sometimes it's sending a Slack message to my fellow directors and being like you know what? I'm not feeling it today, and this is why, uh, and making snarky jokes, uh, and with each other, uh, because we have that trust and confianza with with each other, Um, and so I've appreciated how the conversation around self-care has started to expand, uh and and to be more, to be more inclusive of our realities.
Speaker 3:Sometimes that means that a thing is going to get into drag and perform to the queen of the night aria sung by a chicken, which happened two weeks ago and is happening tomorrow, and it's, it's work, it's, but it's also just fun to let loose, and, and so I, it's, it's work, uh, it's, uh, but it's also just fun to to let loose, Uh and. And so I've appreciated again how self-care conversations have evolved. Uh, because initially it was just like I don't have money to get a massage, I don't have money to spend the day at the spa, Um, and getting a mani pedi is, is, is fun, but that's also gets to be quite expensive. And getting a mani-pedi is fun, but that also gets to be quite expensive. And so I have appreciated the sort of reclaiming of things that many of our communities have done for centuries and just relifting them up again.
Speaker 2:I love that. I love that and I think it's going to continue to evolve and to become more of an integrated part of how we work and how we don't work while we're in community with our coworkers right, because otherwise I think that we operate at a pace that is not sustainable. We operate at a pace that is not sustainable and I think part of that was just one of the outcomes. I thought that COVID really drove home was if we don't shift the way that we're, the way that we're working we're, we're just going down a bad path.
Speaker 3:So I've also have told my coworkers-workers and mindful other nights that we have to pull an all-nighter to get XYZ task done. Yes, but have learned doing that every night is not sustainable. And so if an expense report gets turned in a day late, an expense report gets turned in a day late. An expense report gets turned in a day late If responding to an email at midnight is not going to drastically change the world, and so it'll be there at 10 o'clock the next day. And so, recognizing that we don't have to do overdo it every day, but hearing like, oh, this is late, there's a deadline, productivity, we need to produce, we need to produce, we need to produce. Challenging that and being like you know what, again, there will be nights that, okay, I do have to hunker down and pull in all nighter to put together a presentation for the next day. Doing that every once in a while is okay, doing that every day not so much.
Speaker 3:And so one of the things having an accountability partner in my partner who has shared with me that he appreciates that now I'm getting home between six and seven, which is totally different from previous jobs where I was getting home at midnight and then going to work the next day at nine and that when that is needed, we do it.
Speaker 3:But that can't be the norm. And so, I agree, covid has shifted a lot of things. What does it mean to work remotely? And right now I'm sitting on a couch and it's a little bit more comfortable to sit on my couch and have this type of conversation than it is sitting at a desk. And so also thinking about our work environments and that going to the office nine to five may not be what's most productive, and you know, sometimes working from home is a little nicer. Sometimes, I mean, in my case I have to tell Jason baby, you don't have to come up to me every five minutes to ask me if I need anything, just give me time to work. But you know, just being able to work in a space where one feels safe can totally revolutionize how we do our work and also how we take care of ourselves.
Speaker 2:Jason is getting better. Oh, but it's so sweet, and I mean that. What an atmosphere to work in, where someone is just really caring for you and and wants to make sure you have what you need to. Um, so is there anything that we haven't touched on that you would like to say, or any words of wisdom that you would like to share, dolphin, that we haven't talked about?
Speaker 3:pressure. Um no, I I think we've covered a lot and I've rambled and babbled a lot.
Speaker 3:I think I didn't coin the phrase, but it's become associated with me just to tell folks to do it to it when it comes to self-care and to do whatever is authentic, that this isn't about perfection, this isn't about meeting the standards that have been imposed on us by others, but really carving out a space where we can be ourselves. And mindful that it's easy for me to say that than for a person who is struggling to really internalize that and believe it, and so I'm mindful of the privilege that I have in terms of saying that, but hoping that in whatever ways we can carve out space for ourselves to just feel whole. Sometimes that means and I'm sure, and after listening to this, my family now may be on to me. Sometimes that means and I'm sure, and after listening to this, my family now may be on to me Um, sometimes it means taking bathroom breaks, like, oh, I'm not feeling well, I need to go to the bathroom, uh, just to disconnect for a little bit. And you know, text message my partner, text message a friend, and be like I don't know what's happening right now. I just need to have a few moments to myself. And I'm sure my family thinks I have all of these strange stomach problems. But you know, whatever it is that we can do to take care of ourselves is what we can do to take care of ourselves, and that there's not a standard that folks have to live up to. It really is whatever is authentic and gives us joy.
Speaker 3:I often use the phrase from Marie Kondo what is sparking joy? What is sparking joy in you? How are you sparking joy in others? And just really reflecting on that, and it can be something as simple as getting a random text message from a friend. It can be just sitting outside for a little bit.
Speaker 3:I remember at OU there's this big push for us to get standing desks and I resisted it. One because the cost was astronomical, but two, I was like I understand being able to stand up throughout the day. That's important, but this is keeping me at my desk in a healthier way, but it's keeping me at my desk. No, I need to get away from my desk for a little bit. Uh, and and so, yeah, there's very simple things that we can do that really pack a wallop and and so, um, whatever I've shared in this time hopefully will spark some ideas for folks to find their own way of sparking joy for themselves and ultimately sparking joy in others country and planting rainbow seeds and sharing your flags all across the US really brought a big smile to my face.
Speaker 2:It was a great image. So thank you so much, delphine. You're welcome. We miss you in the Midwest, but we're glad to hear that you're doing well over on the West Coast and yeah, we will visit soon.
Speaker 3:We will visit soon.
Speaker 2:Fantastic, fantastic. Well, thank you all for listening. This is the Self-Care Society podcast. I'm Keri Shaw with my guest, delphine Bautista, and we hope you join us next time for our podcast. Remember, self-care is not selfish, it's an investment. Thank you. That concludes this week's episode. And remember, it's not selfish, it's self-care.