The Tension Between Authenticity and Belonging in Diverse Relationships

Episode 98
The Tension Between Authenticity and Belonging in Diverse Relationships

Drawing from the wisdom of thought leaders like Gabor Mate, we delve into the complex tango of attachment and authenticity that defines our interactions and self-concept. 

My own story of emerging from the shadows post-divorce, armed with newfound self-awareness, sets the stage for a candid discussion about the courage to live life on our own terms. 

We have an innate need to belong.

And yet, we also have a profound desire to express our individuality.

These are many times at odds but what if they could support each other?

In this episode, I explore small steps you can take to learn who you are, and embrace your authenticity day by day while also delicately balancing your need to fit in, belong and connect. 

And of course, we do this through the lens of relationship diversity. Whether you are exploring soloamory, intentional monogamy, open relationships or polyamory, this episode will invite you to go deeper into your own self-exploration.

This is Relationships Reimagined.

Join the conversation as we dive into a new paradigm of conscious, intentional and diverse relationships.

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Podcast Music by Zachariah Hickman

Transcript

Carrie Jeroslow: 0:00

We are social creatures wired to seek acceptance and validation from others, but this need often leads us to conform to relationship norms, even when they feel inauthentic to our very nature. Alongside this innate desire for belonging, there exists a profound urge for self-expression and individuality. Each person is a unique combination of experiences, preferences and identities, and suppressing these aspects of self in favor of conformity can lead to lots of inner turmoil. And so here lies the tension the tension between belonging and living authentically. Tension between belonging and living authentically. Welcome to the Relationship Diversity Podcast, where we celebrate, question and explore all aspects of relationship structure diversity, from soloramory to monogamy to polyamory and everything in between, because every relationship is as unique as you are. We'll bust through societal programming to break open and dissect everything we thought we knew about relationships, to ask the challenging but transformational questions who am I and what do I really want in my relationships? I'm your guide, keri Jaroslow, bestselling author, speaker, intuitive and coach. Join me as we reimagine all that our most intimate relationships can become.

Carrie Jeroslow: 1:34

I was born a rebellious, spirited human. My mom would always tell me that I came out of the womb knowing exactly what I wanted, and I wasn't afraid to voice it. She used the example of how she loved to dress me up in cute dresses as a little four-year-old. I was the fourth child with three older brothers and she had prayed for a girl. But I would have nothing to do with dresses, I wanted to wear pants. For some reason, I felt like I could keep up with all the other kids in the neighborhood without having to deal with having my legs exposed or worrying about a flowery dress. I would tell her in no uncertain terms I'm wearing pants. This was just a small example of how I was in every aspect of my little girl life, but things changed as I got older and when my parents got divorced, I felt my sense of security crumble as I lost everything I thought I knew and, looking back, my innate desire to express my individuality got overshadowed by my life or death need to find attachment to something that wouldn't implode, anything that could connect me to something stable. During that earthquake, which had become my life, that was what I searched for. That was the priority. This survival instinct led me right into the world of people-pleasing.

Carrie Jeroslow: 3:10

This is the moment where my need for safety through attachment to my mom, to my friends, to my brothers, and fitting in, pushed my need to be authentic, into the closet, to go into hiding. And for the following 40 years, and the last 20 in particular, I walked the tightrope between the need to fit in, belong and feel accepted and the need to be my true self. And I think for the first 10 years after the divorce, the scale was tipped so heavily towards fitting in as a reaction to my parents' divorce. And then there were times when I remember aggressively asserting myself and what I thought my true self was in that moment, and there were so many times when I tried to find the balance between these seemingly two conflicting needs.

Carrie Jeroslow: 4:08

Psychiatrist Gabor Mate's work speaks directly to this. In his book the Myth of Normal, he says we're born with a need for attachment and a need for authenticity. Most people abandon their true selves, authenticity, to please others and keep the relationships, attachments, even if they're ones that are toxic and destructive, and this is what I felt called to talk about today in this episode is this tension between authenticity and this basic need for connection, belonging relationships. And, as Gabor Mate labels attachment, which he describes is the drive to pursue and preserve closeness and contact with others. And, of course, we're going to explore this through the lens of relationship diversity. In a perfect world, these two things would not have tension between them. We'd feel accepted and loved, being our true selves within our communities, and I think we can work towards that. I hope for that all the time. I have been working towards that in the past 40 years, but the past maybe 15, 20 years really intently. But because I live in a world with a lot of societal programming and expectations, I'm still feeling this tension, walking that tightrope between being me and being accepted by others in communities that live in that mononormative programming. I've learned a lot in those decades where I have pushed to know myself and assert myself and then swung way back into hiding parts of myself to fit into a community or to fit into friends, finding equilibrium and then starting the whole cycle again. And I want to pass some of the things that I've learned on to you. And then the truth is is that I'm still learning. So this episode and the things that I'm going to be talking about are as much for me as for you.

Carrie Jeroslow: 6:33

So this tension between fitting into societal norms and embracing one's individuality is really prevalent in the realm of diverse relationship styles and structures, where these societal expectations clash with personal desires and identities Through the entire realm of relationship diversity. From monogamy to polyamory to soloamory, from traditional to non-traditional partnerships, individuals navigate this complex landscape of societal norms, personal values and evolving identities. At the heart of this tension lies this human need for connection and belonging. We are social creatures wired to seek acceptance and validation from others, but this need often leads us to conform to relationship norms, even when they feel inauthentic to our very nature. Whether it's the pressure to pursue monogamous relationships, conform to gender roles or adhere to cultural traditions, this desire to fit in can sometimes overshadow our truth, our desires, our needs and our priorities. However, alongside this innate desire for belonging, there exists a profound urge for self-expression and individuality. Each person is a unique combination of experiences, preferences and identities, and suppressing these aspects of self in favor of conformity can lead to lots of inner turmoil can lead to lots of inner turmoil, pain, regret, confusion, anger, disconnection and apathy. And so here lies the tension, the tension between belonging and living authentically. It's so palpable when exploring diverse relationship styles and structures In this world where monogamy is so ingrained in every aspect of our lives and I just spoke about that in an episode about how mononormativity is so ingrained in our culture and in our lives.

Carrie Jeroslow: 8:56

Individuals who identify with alternative relationship styles can face significant challenges in asserting their identities. These include the fear of judgment, rejection or ostracism, and they can be powerful detriments leading some to suppress their true desires in order to fit in. However, as society continues to evolve and diversify, there's this growing recognition and acceptance of alternative relationship styles, which is so exciting. Non-monogamous and polyamorous relationships are increasingly being acknowledged as valid and legitimate expressions of love and connection, and we're seeing this very thing in the United States, where legislation and non-discrimination laws are being passed for diverse family structures. Go Oakland, california, which became the third city in the United States to pass these non-discrimination laws for different family structures. I'm really excited about this movement towards acceptance in the diversity of love, and that doesn't mean that you have to identify in that way. It's just creating an accepting place in our society and in all the places that this relationship programming infiltrates to create the space for acceptance and diversity, because we're just in the beginning and even in these places that are passing these laws, there is still pressure to conform to certain norms or expectations.

Carrie Jeroslow: 10:44

In navigating this tension, people are called upon to strike a balance between honoring their own authenticity and respecting the boundaries and expectations of others. This requires open communication, mutual respect and a willingness to challenge societal norms and assumptions. It also requires a deep introspection and self-awareness to discern what is it I really want and need, amidst all the noise of external expectations and this is such a delicate dance expectations and this is such a delicate dance those moments when the pull to be authentic overwhelms the need to fit in and vice versa, when the need to fit in and connect becomes the priority over being authentic. These moments are so pivotal and deeply personal, often shaping the trajectory of the relationship you have with yourself and with others. So I wanted to break down these two dynamics just a little bit, because there are so many complexities and nuances involved. So let's first look at when the pull to be authentic overwhelms the need to fit in.

Carrie Jeroslow: 12:07

For a lot of people, there comes a time when they realize that conforming to societal norms no longer aligns with their true selves. If you've been there, you know it is what has been called the dark night of the soul. It's an awakening, and for some people it's gradual, for some people it's sudden, but it ignites this profound desire to live authentically, even if it means deviating from their communities, from the mainstream, from the things that they've known in their lives, and this decision to embrace your authentic self can be incredibly liberating. It allows you to express your true desires, emotions and identities, maybe for the first time in your life. This can be an emotional high like you've never experienced, which is really helpful when you're coming to terms and really accepting things that you've hidden for a very long time.

Carrie Jeroslow: 13:20

This often catapults personal growth and self-discovery, which is also quite exhilarating. It can also be quite scary, because this self-discovery encourages you to confront your fears, insecurities and limiting beliefs, paving this way for greater self-awareness and resiliency. And, although it is challenging at times, not going to lie, like I said, it's an exciting journey because as you walk this path of self-discovery, you continually develop a deeper understanding of yourself and what you truly need and want from your life and relationships. To say this is who I am and I'm proud can change the trajectory of your life. I don't find this to be an overnight experience. It's a process, but a really life-changing process.

Carrie Jeroslow: 14:21

And then, once you begin to understand yourself on that deeper level, finding a supportive community of like-minded individuals can then reinforce the pull to be authentic and it begins the bridge of what may have seemed like opposing desires, authenticity and belonging into supportive desires that work together as they build on each other, creating this strong foundation for a fulfilling life. Whether it's through online forums, social groups or local meetups, having this network of peers who understands and validates your experiences can provide the courage and affirmation needed to stay true to yourself. So now I want to look at when the need to fit in overrides the pull to be authentic. So this desire to fit in can be a powerful force, especially in communities where non-traditional relationship styles are stigmatized or marginalized. The social pressure from family, friends or society at large may compel you to suppress your authentic desires in order to avoid conflict, judgment or banishment. The fear of rejection or alienation can also override the pull to be authentic. So, in those environments where diversity is not embraced or understood, people may choose to conform to traditional relationship norms in order to maintain social acceptance and belonging.

Carrie Jeroslow: 15:56

In some cases, it may not be safe to authentically express yourself in relationships. Some cases, it may not be safe to authentically express yourself in relationships, and this is particularly true for individuals who are a part of marginalized or vulnerable communities, such as LGBTQIA plus individuals or those in conservative cultures. The risk of discrimination, violence or persecution may necessitate concealing one's true identity or relationship preferences for the sake of personal safety. And then there's internalized stigma and shame surrounding non-traditional relationship styles, which can also contribute to the prioritization of fitting in over authenticity. Individuals may internalize negative societal messages about their identities or choices, leading to feelings of self-doubt, guilt or inadequacy. So navigating this tension between authenticity and fitting in requires a nuanced understanding of your individual circumstances, cultural context and personal values. While embracing authenticity can lead to a profound personal growth and fulfillment, it's essential to prioritize safety and well-being, especially in environments where expressing your true self may pose risks. Ultimately, the journey towards embracing diverse relationship styles is about striking a balance between honoring your authenticity and navigating the complexities of social dynamics and cultural norms.

Carrie Jeroslow: 17:41

If you are realizing that you've been repressing parts of your truth because your desire to belong has been stronger, for whatever reason, I would love for you to first show yourself compassion. I believe that we are all doing the best that we can, and the very first thing that I would encourage you to do is to show yourself love and compassion. This is something that will serve you through the whole journey. If you are able to say today I have done the best that I can do. Maybe tomorrow will be different, but today is today and show yourself love. That doesn't mean that you won't look at what happened and assess and make intentions to do something differently. But compassion in the moment is really important. But if you are wanting to start pushing some edges and you feel safe doing so, I'm wanting to give you some ideas of how to move forward and I like small, attainable steps. Now I'm all for jumping off the cliff and shouting to the world this is who I am. I support you. If that's how you go about things in your life, then more power to you. That is not me.

Carrie Jeroslow: 19:17

I tend to take slow steps that build on one another, that give me time to process through all of the new feelings and beliefs and experiences. I experience it as trying something, feeling uneasy because something new is going to feel uneasy and uncomfortable. Feeling that, feeling the fear, moving through it, sometimes kicking, screaming and crying, to be honest, finding a sense of homeostasis and then starting that process over. So, trying something, feeling uneasy, feeling fear, moving through it and then finding a sense of homeostasis again and again, over and over. It takes longer, but it really does create a stronger foundation from which to build upon.

Carrie Jeroslow: 20:12

So here are some small practical ways that I have used to begin pushing the edges and living more authentically, and I'm going to break these into two sections. The first section is about all the stuff that I can do within. It's all about self-reflection and the shifts that I can make within myself and really getting to the place of knowing myself. And then, once you have that awareness within self, we'll go to the second section, which is about bringing your authentic self out into the world, engaging with others from the foundation of knowing who you are and knowing who your true self is. So when we focus in on ourselves, in self-reflection, we get to learn who we are, who we are without external stimulation, external expectations. So find time to reflect on the things that bring you joy and peace in life and in relationships. What are the things that get you excited, that fill you with life, that light you up? Get to know yourself Really. Get to know yourself.

Carrie Jeroslow: 21:35

Journal aspects of yourself that you're getting to know, as if you were introducing yourself to a new person who you feel really safe with, or maybe reintroducing yourself to a trusted ally. Journal about your feelings and experiences, exploring what authenticity means to you, identify areas where you may be holding back or conforming to societal expectations instead of honoring your true self. If you had no worries about people accepting you and you had built in community that would hold the container for you to be your true self, what would that look like? How would you describe yourself to that community? And then allow yourself time to explore and acknowledge your desires, even if they diverge from societal norms? So this self-exploration activities you could do through journaling, mindfulness, creative expression. However, you can connect to your authentic, unique desires.

Carrie Jeroslow: 22:42

Ask yourself what do you really want in your relationships in this moment in your life, knowing that we all evolve and it may be different a week or two or a year from now, but in this moment, what do you really want? Ask yourself what's important to you in your life, what are your non-negotiables in your life and relationships? What do you feel most at home doing and being? If you've never done this work before, start looking at the things where you feel yourself, the areas or the hobbies, maybe, that you have. For me, I like quiet time. I really like to be in a space where I can block the world out and center and ask myself how am I doing in the moment? Now I found that through yoga I'll just do a really simple, very restorative yoga practice and it's the way that I connect to myself. So really finding the ways that you feel at peace within yourself Once you start to get clear on who you are in this moment.

Carrie Jeroslow: 23:51

Challenge yourself to take small risks, small that push the boundaries of your comfort zone. So maybe experiment with new relationship behaviors or dynamics that might align with all the things that you found out about yourself, even if they feel intimidating at first. And I think when we're stretching ourselves, there are moments where we might stretch a little bit too far and then retreat. Or maybe we feel like we can stretch farther and so we keep pushing a little bit too far and then retreat. Or maybe we feel like we can stretch farther and so we keep pushing a little bit. So those moments where you can come back and reevaluate are really really important. And then celebrate your courage and resilience and recognize that growth often occurs outside your comfort zone and find those times at the end of the day or at the end of the week where you really look at what happened and you journal or speak into your phone on a note, something that you can evaluate the moments that felt really good, the moments that felt sticky and uncomfortable. Moments that felt really good, the moments that felt sticky and uncomfortable and this continual reevaluation will really help you as you continue down this path. I even love the idea of having an authenticity journal where you watch your growth and your evolution during this time.

Carrie Jeroslow: 25:18

And, as I said before, please remember to practice self-compassion. I encourage you, encourage you, encourage you to be gentle with yourself as you navigate these complexities of embracing your authenticity in relationships and in life. Acknowledge that change takes time and that setbacks are a natural part of the process. It's a journey, and showing yourself care is so important. So, with that, practice self-care and self-compassion. Have two things, three things, 10 things that you do to help yourself, nurture yourself. Whether it is a walk in nature, whether it's just feeling your feet on the ground, whether it is taking a little bit of lotion and giving yourself a hand or a foot massage, whether it's deep breathing, whether it is even watching a Netflix show, what is the way that you can show yourself care and compassion. At times I've had lists of these. Are the ways that I give to myself. And it is really helpful because in the moment when I check in and I'm feeling unbalanced and stressed, I can go quickly to that list and say, oh right, I could just take a quick shower and feel the water on my back and that automatically grounds me. That's just one of my things. Or I could put on a song that I love and sing with abandon, and music has always been very healing for me. So, again, having that list of self-care rituals is really helpful in these times.

Carrie Jeroslow: 27:08

Okay, so now those are the steps that are internal, that don't require anyone else to do so. It is just about dedicating yourself and setting an intention to do this self-exploration. Now the next section is where we're going to go into taking these small steps to engage with others. So, once you have done a good amount of that self-exploration and you have some awareness about your desires and interests, begin to research and connect with groups online or with people who share your same ideals, same desires, same hobbies, and engage with them for the intention of guidance and encouragement.

Carrie Jeroslow: 28:03

If you're feeling pulled towards polyamory, seek communities who support this. If you want to explore platonic partnerships, research groups who explore this structure. Same goes with soloamory or solo poly or swinging. I assure you that there is a group for just about every relationship structure, and I would also encourage you with this, to use your intuition about the group, because the idea would be a supportive online community, and there are communities out there who are not supportive, who are toxic, who are not accepting and caring. So maybe, if it's an online forum, just observe for a little while and see the dynamics before engaging. This will help you to support yourself through loving communities and connecting with loving communities. I also would love to encourage you to consider seeking therapy or counseling to explore your identity, desires or relationship dynamics in that safe and nonjudgmental space. There are several websites with inclusive therapists or coaches who create a space for you to explore without judgment, and sometimes this dynamic will help you find the confidence to be more authentically you and then surround yourself with supportive friends, family members or community members who embrace diverse relationship styles or whatever identities you are looking at.

Carrie Jeroslow: 29:42

Be selective when you are reaching out to community members or friends and family. Really think to yourself. Is this someone who you feel like you can trust? Is this someone who has shown through their behavior that they are accepting and loving advocates and allies. And then, once you've done that, start to incorporate open and honest communication into your present relationships, if possible, and even maybe in very small ways, by sharing your thoughts, feelings and desires with your partner or partners in a respectful and nonjudgmental manner. And I like to sometimes just drop one little sentence to see what the response is and then gauge from there if I want to go deeper, if I feel like there's an opening, an accepting and loving opening, and if not, I'll pull back a little bit and then maybe go towards another friend.

Carrie Jeroslow: 30:45

At the same time, communication is not just speaking, it's also listening. So practice active listening and validating your partner's experiences and perspectives, because when we can validate what another is feeling, we model and show the way that we want our feelings and experiences to be validated. And then, going back to self-reflection, I want to talk a little bit about setting and communicating your boundaries. So think about what boundaries you want to set. Think about what would happen if someone started speaking to you in a way that invalidates your identity and all of these awarenesses that you have come to find. And I encourage to start small by setting boundaries around topics that are relatively low stake and then remember, once you've determined them and then communicated them clearly to your partner or partners, respect your own boundaries and enforce them when necessary, even if it feels uncomfortable.

Carrie Jeroslow: 31:59

I continually struggle with communicating my boundaries and that's that people pleaser part of me coming out. And I have to remember that when I don't honor what feels good within me and how I want to be in the world, that somehow I end up either hurting myself physically or I get emotionally drained. Hurting myself physically or I get emotionally drained. And if I were to just have the courage to say I can't do this right now, or I need to excuse myself or this is not working for me, then that's a way that I really advocate and stick up for myself, and then that brings clarity to the relationship because people can decide in that moment. If I'm clear about my needs and boundaries, then people can decide how they want to show up. But again, then that gets into those nuances of the tension between wanting to connect, wanting to feel a sense of belonging and being myself, and so, as you can see, that dance back and forth and back and forth, and it's all okay. This is why I love these small, small, attainable steps in your daily life, because doing something a little bit every day will have such a bigger impact and staying power than just bursting out and doing things and then dealing with the repercussions.

Carrie Jeroslow: 33:33

Remember authenticity is a lifelong journey and each step you take towards honoring your true self is a meaningful act of self-love and empowerment. Always come back to yourself. That's where you will find your power. This relationship that you have with yourself is the most important. And finding those ways that I talked about to continually check in with yourself, creating those spaces to get quiet, finding those small ways to get to know yourself more deeply as you continually evolve, being your biggest advocate, showing yourself compassion when you choose belonging over authenticity. It's a dance and I know I've said that a lot, but I love that symbolism of it being a dance. Notice what feels good and what doesn't feel good in your body and mind. Acknowledge and send love to that and then try again. Take it day to day. If a day doesn't feel good, acknowledge it, show yourself compassion, go to sleep and try again the next day. This work takes a lot of courage and is a process, but eventually, if you keep persevering, you'll find that your communities will begin to merge with your true self, and then you'll look around and see that you have the sense of belonging while also being your authentic self. Deep breaths, deep breaths, my friend, and stay curious.

Carrie Jeroslow: 35:18

Thanks so much for listening to the Relationship Diversity Podcast. Want to learn more about relationship diversity? I've got a free guide I'd love to send you. Go to wwwrelationshipdiversitypodcastcom to get yours sent right to you. If you liked what you heard, please subscribe to the podcast. You being here and participating in the conversation about relationship diversity is what helps us create a space of inclusivity and acceptance together. The more comfortable and normal it is to acknowledge the vast and varied relating we all do, the faster we'll shift to a paradigm of conscious, intentional and diverse relationships. New episodes are released every Thursday. Stay connected with me through my YouTube channel, where I'll give you even more free resources and information, all about relationship diversity. I'm super excited to go deeper into YouTube because I'll be able to connect and have conversations directly with you. You'll find the link in the show notes. Stay curious. Every relationship is as unique as you are.