In this episode I spill my experience as a young gay insecure boy on hookup apps and the toll it took on my mental health. Am I still recovering? When was the last time I relapsed? What advice would I give to the younger gays?
Instagram: Sonshinehilaire
In this episode I spill my experience as a young gay insecure boy on hookup apps and the toll it took on my mental health. Am I still recovering? When was the last time I relapsed? What advice would I give to the younger gays?
Instagram: Sonshinehilaire
Hi my lovely listeners. Oh my gosh, you guys are really tuned in to the third episode. Welcome to entries from an insecure gay black boy. I just want to say I've been receiving so many messages from you guys about how you love the episodes and, you know, you know, advice and, you know, experiences. I really appreciate every single moment. I mean, every single message you guys sending me. It really does mean a lot and it encourages me to keep it going. Thank you so much. Thank you so much because I'm really doing it, you know, to really put the honest word out there and to have listeners actually listen to my voice. It's just crazy. So thank you again. Please like rate the show, give the show a review wherever you can and share with your friends. Thank you. So we are about to get into a very serious topic. For me personally, this is a very big thing and I really do think this is an issue across the whole gay black community. It's really serious. So the title is gay. Hookup apps inspired the majority of my insecurities. Now that is a heavy a heavy title. That is a very heavy title and I know some of you may be like, wow, he really does. Have the courage to be truthfully, truthfully honest with his audience. And let me just say this it every single last one of us have some skeletons in our closet. So nobody, nobody is perfect. We all have some skeletons in our closet. We may not all have the same type of skeletons, but we all have the same skeletons in our closet. And it's,
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you know, I constantly remind myself that life does not, you know, choose just one specific person's life will definitely spin the block on you twice. If not twice, five times. And not give a damn. But. That's that so.
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This topic, you know, like I said, is very personal for me. And it this was a very dark, you know, not too much, not dark, but, you know, it was it was a little rough patch for me when I was younger, while I'm still young. But, you know, you know what I mean. Come on, don't don't make me have to break it down for you. You know what I mean? So I would say. This was like towards, this was like in the middle of like high school. So like I think I heard about gay hookup apps like when I was around 16 or 17, so roughly around maybe sophomore, maybe sophomore or junior year. I think I remember there was, you know, actually I do remember it was a guy. He was he was he. You could definitely tell he was much older than me. I'm not going to say like 40, but maybe pushing six-- like maybe not the six he was pushing, like maybe 20. Maybe like 202827, somewhere around there. I don't think he was in his 30s, but you know, it's hard to tell nowadays. And I didn't tell him my age. You know, I was. Listen, I was so insecure. I was really insecure and I lied about my age and I so and I never really asked him for an for a picture. So it could have went two ways, it could have went two ways. He could have been a Shrek. Or he could have been. What's a good example? He
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could have been a nice fine *** DL N**** but where I'm from, it's not really. I mean, there's a lot of DL where I'm from, but the chances of me, you know, meeting up with one was very slim because I was a very big, gay, feminine black boy and, you know, N**** don't want no football built. You know, six foot, foot, foot tall, feminine, gay, gay boy. Like that's it's too much. It's screams. It just screams too much. Like it. It makes you more noticeable. So don't wanna see, don't wanna be, you know, in public with that. I mean they don't want to be in public with us. But Oh my God, I'm babbling. OK so.
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So I lied about my age and I I didn't really care. I honestly, I just really wanted to throw some neck. And you know, I know what you guys may be thinking like, ohh hookup apps. So you were giving it up. Let me just say this. One thing I will say I gave up was the mouth. I give up the mouth like. I didn't have any, like, I didn't have, like, I just gave the mouth up, let me just put it that way. I gave the mouth up and I never really, you know, the mouth was not really, it was kind of second. The first thing, I didn't really give up the back area.
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OK, maybe once, but it was with a condom it was, it was with a condom. But, you know, listen, I don't care. It was with a condom and, you know, it was, it was, it was OK. It wasn't all of that. He was definitely much older than me, but. Again, I don't know if that if that's like a story time, that's too short. It was too short of a time. But so yeah, I definitely would tilt my tilt, tilt my hat to my younger self that I never gave up the back area. That's too it's too personal for me. That is too. Alot has to come into play before I give you up like that. Like I give up my my baby because it really having sex with someone is a very. Intimate thing. And you can't take that too. Like you can't take that lightly. You have to take that very seriously. But um.
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I just want I, you know, so I was definitely, I would definitely say. When I was on the hookup apps and I, you know, I started, you know, texting and everything. In the beginning I was my self worth was so low, my self worth was so low that I was really, I was really willing to meet up with anybody. B**** you could have put Shrek on there with a nice profile. Nice profile. Shrek would have been on there he wouldve been like like, what's up? What's up? You know, cutie? And I would have like, hey, what are you rocking with? And he would have been like a 2 inch. And I'm like, OK, let's meet up. Like, I was like, it was that low for me. And I don't. I don't give a damn what you may say. I don't give a damn. That was the past. I don't give a damn. That was the past, and it was. It was so low for me and I never really took into account how damaging it was to just accept anything and. I I wasn't asking for no pictures from any of the blank profiles. I mean, not every single time I was meeting up with blank profiles, but. Mostly I would say, like from time to time I would meet up with a blank profile and they'll be like, you know, oh, trust me, radaradarada like you guys, I was really risking it out there. I was really risking it. And where I'm from, you know, I mean, it's not dangerous, but it's still dangerous at the end of the day because. N**** name are really on the line. Because once that rumor starts. ***** that legacy lives with you till the day you die. Once that rumor of you dealing with the like, if you like, if you were straight a straight. Everybody know you as a straight.
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And then once that rumor goes out that you ****** a boy. Oh, baby, baby. But you know what? Also, that rumor was still go around. And here you are. There's this girl still lined up, waiting to **** with him. But you know what that's not that's not what we're going to talk about. Let's keep it. Let's keep let's be focused. So yeah, I was really not. I wasn't really. Umm. I wasn't really asking for her pictures, I was really just risking it. And you know, me being on those hookup apps eventually started to take a toll on my mental health because I really thought my sexiness or my beauty was to be confirmed by a man ******* on me. Or complimenting me. I was. I was sick. I was sick. I would think I I really was not thinking. But then again, I was young, so not too much. Not too much. So. It really took a toll on my mental health and I was really so deep in that mindset that I was essentially advertising myself on social media.
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But you know what? Let me, let, let me go, let me go back. I really felt like the only way. I would find like, the only way I would accept me for who I am and the only way I would view myself as beautiful is when a man would be like, he was like, oh damn, you look good. Or if he just touches me, like if he hugs me, if he anything he did to me that sparked a feeling in my mind or in my heart. I felt we're not really in my heart but in my head because it was all in my head.
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I really thought, you know, a man really ******* on me or complimenting me would. Would solidify how I view myself. And I was in that mindset so deep that I was really when I was getting blocked by the by like people on the on on jacked and grinder. I was, I was being blocked and I was being ignored because I once I sent my picture because I would have a faceless, faceless profile. Once I send my picture, I would get blocked or ignored. And that was like, that kind of made me feel like, Oh my God, I'm ugly, I'm ugly. And then I'm with. Then I started becoming like envious of like, pretty, pretty gay boys. And I was like, Oh my gosh, like I would. I wouldn't kill for that look. But then I wish I would look like. So, like, you know, all the would be on me. And that was that. Listen, that was part of my goal was to make sure I look good for it, for men.
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But now when you ask me the same, if you ask me, is is that so your goal? Of course not. Of course not. There's not one on this earth that could say anything to me that would make me feel like, ohh yeah, he he he holds that part of me. Absolutely not. I I passed that stage. There are things that I'm still dealing with, but I passed that stage where I I'm not if a man compliments me or, you know, says some nice things about me. OK. Thank you. I appreciate it. But that it's not gonna be. He's not gonna have the key to, you know, give me that spark. Absolutely not. Thank you. Have a nice day.
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Um.
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So I was like I was saying, so I was so deep into that mindset that I was essentially advertising.
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Did you hear that? I said. I was so deep. In that mindset, and I'm talking about I was. Um, when I was talk about, you know, being being ****** on by a man or complimenting me, I was so.
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and I was so lost as a young boy that. I was seriously. I was advertising myself on social media. More like more on Twitter though, when I had my Twitter account. And for my listeners. If you used to follow me on Twitter, like back then, then you would know what I'm talking about. But I'm not. When I say advertising, I'm not saying
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two nuts for $10 I wasn't doing it like that, but I was. It was like little subliminals. Like I would be like, ohh not, I mean not really subliminals, but like I would be like, ohh I wish knew how good my mouth was or something. You know, some **** like that. And, you know, basically putting the word out just in case, you know, might be ***** one night and he could just hit me up. And eventually, you know, eventually me doing that. There was one guy who hit me up and I won't say his name. He hit me up. He was like Ohh take a uber to my place. Keep in mind he he lived far and I'm like, OK First off and then he was taking everything too quick. He was like meet up at my place. He was taking it from a point A to point Z. And I'm like, OK, hold on. This is too quick. This is too quick. And I remember this day vividly because it was in the morning, I was getting ready for school, and I was literally walking to school. I was walking to school and I'm texting him and he sent him pictures. Like, he sent a picture of his thing. And I was like, OK, this is nice. This is nice. But then I was just like, no, that's not. It's not. It's not for me. I was like, no, that's not gonna happen. So I I I think I ignored him, but it was too quick for me and I think that's when that process that that whole, I started noticing that. Like he came to me for a reason. He came to me for a reason. And that reason being was me posting things on Twitter like, ohh my head, my head game is A1 you know, things like that. So he was like, oh, what's up? Like, oh, I see what you like, what you post on Twitter. And I was like, I was like, yeah, radaradarada you know, blah, blah, blah. for. I was low key searching.
14:36
For that, one hookup took to turn into what I wouldn't say low key, high key. Because I remember I I caught myself in that. I caught myself in the in the the moment of that of that thought. Of, you know, me was like me telling myself, like, oh, maybe if I if I suck it this way or if I throw it back this way. If I throw it to the side, if I throw it up, if I throw it down. Maybe he might fall in love. Maybe he might. He might. Continue to. To to meet up with me and I I was, I wanted that, I wanted to, I wanted for it to turn into that and then. I wanted to turn into that. And baby, let me it do not work like that.
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Personally, I feel like. If you meet a person. And. I feel like if you meet a person and you don't, there's no there's not really much communication between between you 2 and that first interaction. Is you guys having sex? I don't think that thing is gonna last. I don't think if if it does lead into a relationship, I don't think the relationship is gonna last. That's what I personally feel like. And I've seen, I've seen a couple of relationships where like, you know, they are open about all how they met on the first time and they had sex. Not really much dialogue, not too much dialogue. We're trying to figure each other out and try to see what's their favorite color, but just having sex. It didn't last long. So I feel like my theory on if you have sex with a person, that first interaction and there's no really, there's not really much dialogue. I don't think that relationship is gonna last long, but that's my opinion and I'm going to stick to it. Um, so? I was I that's not how it works. You really have to be friends with the person. Before before anything, you have to be friends with someone. Before anything to for it to turn into a relationship. I mean there are cases where you know, you don't have to really be a friend the first time, but it's different circumstances. So I'm not going to speak too much on that, but you know, I was, I was really searching for that and I really. And in that moment I was like, you know? These they wasn't gonna love. They was not gonna love my big feminine gay ***. You know, that's what I thought and that's what I really think. Look, that's what I really think sometimes. But I have to constantly remind myself that N***** will not love me if I do not love myself. And that applies to every single person. Every single person that is to a woman, that is to a man. It's only men and a woman, so I can't really. There's not really much to, but that's to anybody. Anybody. Nobody will love you if you cannot love yourself, if you don't love yourself. Then you won't find anyone who loves you like you love you once you start loving yourself. That's when somebody who loved, when you start loving
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yourself, that glow on you looks completely different. And then you attract a certain a certain demographic of men. You will have your challenges, but once you when you're sticking to what you want and what you deserve. And you start, you continue to all, all throughout that process. You continue to love yourself even more. You will eventually get to that point where you find someone. And that's just me giving my best advice. Have I been a relationship where I felt like I've, I have let me. I never, I never have been in a relationship. Let me just say that. Don't do too much because if I feel like I I can give some good advice, I'm gonna give some good advice. Even though I haven't been in a relationship, I feel like I can give good relationship advice. Don't don't do too much. I'm not a therapist, but I do have a good thought process anyways.
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So. I have to constantly remind myself nobody will love me. If I don't love myself, so I kind of put what I did. What I'm doing now is that. What comes first is me loving myself. And what I do to to make to love myself and to treat myself better and to, you know, set the standard. I wake up every single morning and I look at myself in the mirror and I tell myself I'm beautiful and I'm sexy and I admire my body. I love every single curve, every single ****** every single pubic hair, you know, every single thing about me and I love it in the mirror. And it just it really does feel good. Like, damn. And I really do love myself. And I'd be walking around like, damn, I'm that, you know? I really feel like I'm that *****. And that's what you're supposed to do. So love your the message to that is love yourself. Before you let anybody try to love you because you'll get twisted in this mindset that, Oh my gosh, you know, like a man loving you is the complete. It is what makes everything complete. No. You need to have you need to completely love yourself again. You need to completely love yourself before man or woman loves you. Now. So. So I I felt like, you know, if don't love me, if I if I don't love myself, then won't love me. And that's how I feel. Attraction works in my opinion. So I didn't entirely love my body because of being rejected. I didn't love my body and I didn't love my face because of being rejected and blocked on those apps so many times. And it ****** with my mental it really did. And I don't give a damn what you may say about it. It kind of messed up. It really did mess with my mental health. But now
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I'm, you know, I'm still recovering. Don't get me wrong, I'm still recovering, but I'm, I'm, it's, it's definitely in the back of my head. I'm recovering and I feel good about it. Like I'm like, I'm going to the gym, I'm going to the gym. Give me a couple of months. Let me tell you whole something. Give me me a couple of months. You hear what I'm saying, and I hope you envision what my mouth is looking at looking like when I'm seeing this. Give me a couple of months. Give me a couple of months. And when I crossed the street? Police gonna have to have to stop traffic. Because it's as it's crossing the ************* St this *** gonna be 2 ************* facts, OK? Ask gonna be big like the Son who is Trina. It's all about sunny. But anyways, so. Umm. I I soon approached a certain point where I felt there wasn't a good outcome to none of the meetups that I had so slowly. The relationship I had with hookup apps started to fade and become weaker. Did I understand that? So I like I said I would when I I said I reached a certain point where I felt like there wasn't no good outcome. There wasn't no good outcome like I I just got done sucking him up and. He leaves. I don't even know him. I don't even know his first name. What did I gain from that? Like, I really sat there after the last couple of meetings that I had, which was like a couple of months ago. Let me not. It was the last one that I had was like maybe three weeks ago, and I just gave him some head and like, I'm like, I don't even know who the was.
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I didn't even know who the was, and I'm like. What did I gain from that? I didn't gain out a ************* thing. No mental stimulation. I didn't get anything from that I didn't get into. I didn't get a relationship out of that. I didn't get any compliments out of that. I didn't get anything out of it. Not that I needed it, but like, I didn't get anything from that, so I was I'm. I'm like, no, I I have to stop doing this because if not, I will fall into. I will fall into this solid mindset of being depending the being dependent on a. And I don't want that at all. I don't want that at all. So I've been on this journey of trying to get rid of that ****. And it's been working. So.
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I have a message for upcoming parents. Make sure you love your children. Make sure you show them. Beat their first love. Show them. Tell them every single morning that they're beautiful because once they get to, once they get to the public, once they get to school, **** gets different and you're not with your kids. And it all starts from my parents and I really feel like that. I really feel like if I had that figure telling me that I was beautiful and I and they were constantly reminding me that my self worth is. Important. I would not be in this situation. But all of our lives are different, and some of us have that figure and some of us don't. And we all some, some of us that don't. We have to figure that **** out on ourselves. And it's not fair. But life isn't fair. Life doesn't give a ****. So that's my message to parents make sure you love your kids and you tell them how beautiful they are, even if it's a son or a or a daughter. No matter what, because I know how y'all are with your black sons. Yeah. I don't want to love him a certain way because I don't want him to turn soft. ******** anyways. So. And I was young and I didn't know any better, so I wish, I wish I had someone in my life to guide me to loving myself more. But you know, here we are now. And none of us are perfect. None at all. Not all of us have the same story, but we all have one to tell. So that's why I'm so comfortable with sharing parts of my life with y'all. So I have two questions for your two questions. Are you listening? Are you listening? Hopefully that didn't yet that didn't hurt your your ears, so the first question would be. If you have been on the hookup app, this applies to people who have been on the hookup app and don't be ashamed ***** we all have wanted something. If you wanted to. If you join a hookup app and you got something from it, then OK, if you got **** **** if if it was some white guys **** if it was some
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good *** **** Ohh well tell me the story I wanna hear. Between me and you. So the first question would be, how has hookup apps affected your mental health? Because you can't sit up here, you cannot sit up here and say it hasn't.
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OK, the second question would be what tips would you give your younger self? To prevent you from being in this stage of your life of downloading a hookup app. Those are the two questions. Make sure you go on my Instagram, send me a a message and tell me how has it affected your life and what advice would you give to yourself. I want to hear because I want to be able to give advice to to the younger audience, to younger gays. If, you know, once this becomes a bigger thing, I want to be able to tell a young boy like. They're beautiful no matter what. I'm gonna tell a younger gay that cause it really does mean a lot, especially to us young, young gay, black boys. We don't have that figure in our lives, in most of our lives. So I want to be, I want to be that. So give me your best advice and I'm I'll be opening open to hearing all types of advice from anybody, and that concludes. Our third episode from entries from an gay black boy from an old girl. That concludes our end.
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Sorry guys, that concludes our third episode of entries from an insecure gay black boy. I appreciate you guys so much for listening and tuning in and sharing this on your Instagram stories, your Twitter, everywhere that you you promote me and review and rate the show. So do all of that. Rate the show, subscribe, follow a comments under our post, share the post, whatever you wanna do. Any love is good love. Thank you so much you guys. I really hope you have a good day and I'll see you on the 4th episode. Goodnight.