In this episode I dive into my past about performing sexual acts on two different occasions. How has it affected me? When did I realize that it had an impact on my everyday life? Will I ever expose them? Have I ever told my mom about being a victim?
Instagram: Sonshinehilaire
In this episode I dive into my past about performing sexual acts on two different occasions. How has it affected me? When did I realize that it had an impact on my everyday life? Will I ever expose them? Have I ever told my mom about being a victim?
Instagram: Sonshinehilaire
What's up y'all? It is me sunny helaire and you are tuned in for episode 6 of entries from an insecure gay black boy I wanna let you guys know that I have been seeing. The the downloads increasing each and every day and I really appreciate you guys and continue to please rate reviews, share. This podcast with any and all of your gay black boy friends and so so that this message and you know, my story can be shared to let others know that this their story is not the only story and that there is other people who relate to their story. Thank you guys. OK. So I know you guys are looking at this title like OK, this is the little. Like what do you mean? And you know, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm gonna get into it shortly. But I wanna let you guys know that, you know, I do not care for the opinions of others and what they may say about my story because my story is my *** **** story and I could care less again about anybody's opinions, OK?
01:16
Here in my mouth, OK. So before getting my, before getting into my story, I want to let you guys know that this was um.
01:27
Oh, I gotta let a deep breath. This was very hard because. I had to really. This was I actually. It was actually like my first time actually sitting down with myself and and. Looking at what actually happened to me and labeling them the best way that I could. And. It wasn't too hard for me. It wasn't too hard for me. I mean, it was hard for me to to label them, but it was kind of hard for me to kind of remember because this was years ago. I was between the ages of five and seven. OK. So keep that in mind. So I'm basically in like the first or second grade, I think so.
02:18
You may ask after 22 years, why after 22 years Sunny? And I'm saying because after 22 years it I thought this **** was normal, you guys, I thought this was. The norm, I thought, you know, for a very long time. Well, no, not in this big age now, but I realized before, before I even hit my 20s, I was like, Oh my gosh, this. I'm actually a victim of sexual assault. So. Actually having to really sit down with myself and, you know, really. Trying to label them was kind of like wow this this is actually my story. But anyways. So.
03:06
I want to let you guys know that you really have to protect your children. We really have to protect our children from everybody. Everybody. That includes your granddad, that includes your dad, that includes anybody. A cousin. It could be a friend. It could be your best friend. No matter if you have a son or a daughter. Always, always be cautious of your precious child the moral of what I'm trying to say is that you need to watch your kids. Watch your kids and the people that you put around your kids, because these people are dangerous.
03:52
Because, you know, things like this can occur from people we don't see as a danger like as they. Things can occur from these from people that we don't, you know, deem as dangerous and.
04:09
So it's important. So it's important that we break this generational curses that have our bloodline, that that have our bloodline in a chokehold. And what I mean by that is that we have to make our children feel comfortable to come to us, to tell us the things that they went through. Or happen to them. So we have to break that in. Really make our children feel comfortable to actually let them come to us about these things, actually happen to them. So because. You know, when I get into the stories, the things that that were done to me were actually people that. My mom actually know. And I haven't. I haven't told. What's crazy is that I never told my mom who they were, and I never told my mom that I was actually sexual assaulted because.
05:10
I I don't feel like I'm ready for that yet. But that's that's that's another conversation for another day, alright. So I'm kind of babbling. Alright, so. These two occasions, they happen at two different times of my life, but they were still within the same age span, which I, you know, like I said, they were between 5:00 and 7:00. So. I remember it. It was being like it was like a broad. It was broad daylight and I was playing around and there I remember it was kind of a boring day because no, none of the kids were outside and I didn't have anybody to play with, so I was just outside. Just hoping, you know, whenever you're just hoping for someone to show up and you just be like, OK, let's play. But nobody ended up coming outside, so. I ended up seeing these two boys that I know. Like I said, I know these people. So I didn't feel like, you know, I would be put in any type of danger because my mom knows them and my mom knows their mom. So yeah, and they're not related. I I want to let you guys know that right now they're not related at all. So I remember. Um. Both of them, like I just they were doing something and I just started to chase them because, you know, I'm, I'm a kid and I didn't really know like I I was just like ohh, I see them and I see them doing something. So I'm like I'm kind of I'm a little curious so I'm chasing them. And then they started running and then that's when I just stopped running because baby I was big and I did not want to chase after nobody. So I gave up and then shortly after that they found me and they were like sunny, you know, come here we got something for you. So I'm like OK so I'm. Like. In my head, I'm like, you know, obviously
07:01
it's not clicking. In my head, I'm like, no, there's there's no way. I'm going to be putting it in any danger because I grew, I grew up in this neighborhood. I also want to mention that as well. I grew up in this neighborhood, and for those who know me, know me, or know where I'm from, I grew up in West Side, which is a neighborhood you know that I grew up in. It's, it's called West side. It's a small neighborhood. So.
07:31
That's when they were like, ohh, come here and I'm like, OK, so I'm following them. And then that's when they leaded me. One of them leaded me into their their house in this empty room. And um, before you know, we got into anything, one of them was just like, make sure you don't tell nobody because this is our our little secret. So I'm like, OK.
07:56
So. Um, so they told me that. And then that's when they told me. They instructed me to get on my knees and I got on my knees. And it was like I knew where this was going. But at the same time I didn't know where it was going. So.
08:16
I'm. I'm sorry. Yeah, because it's kind of like I'm. I'm a little nervous because explaining this is it's it's not too hard, but it's like, you know. I'm telling this to you guys and this is like my first time actually putting putting some **** like this out. So, you know, yeah. Oh.
08:39
That's when they told me to get on my knees. So I got on my knees and then they were like, open your mouth, open my mouth, and they pulled it out. And, you know, they had me perform, you know, oral, oral sex on them and.
08:54
I, you know, me being very young, of course I'm not gonna be no. No, Lisa Ann or no. No, I'm not gonna be no professional. Like, I'm not like, obviously I'm not gonna be a professional. I'm a child, keep that in mind. So. Umm. That's when it was cut short because I didn't, like I said, I didn't have any experience. So it was cut short and both of them had me do it on, you know. Have me do it on them. So they told me to leave and I left and then.
09:31
After that I was.
09:36
I'm gonna be I'm gonna be very brutally honest with you all because.
09:42
After that moment, I was like, I was kind of thrilled, like something like that happened to me. This was. I was like, Oh my God, this actually happened. Oh my God, I wanna do it again. And I did not know that this was sexual assault.
09:59
I did not know. I just became a victim. Of sexual assault. I did not know that I became a victim of sexual coercion.
10:13
Um. And I remember. I went back to one of the boys, the boy. One of the boys and I actually went up to him and I was like, can we do it again? And I.
10:33
I really did not know that I became a victim of sexual coercion. And when I asked him that second time, and this was like maybe like days, days later, he was like, no. But when I asked him that he felt shamed. He felt so shamed. When I asked him can we do it again? And he was like no. And then I walked away like I was so like I felt so. I guess it was I I felt rejected. And I was. It never really clicked to me. It never really clicked to me. So yeah, I did not know that I became a victim of sexual coercion and. That effect that the effect that it had on me is it really did shape my life into what it is today. Because it kind of it really shifted me into having. Later on down the line and it shifted me into having a relationship on a very unhealthy relationship with ***********. So. That was that was something I actually connecting the dots in my life till this day.
11:53
From that very moment was crazy to me. Because. I'm really a victim. I'm really a victim. And I was such a child. And like my mom, she never knew. And my mom always was, like I said, generational curses. So things like this happen in a lot of families. So my mom would also constantly ask me from out of random times, like, oh, it's there's someone touch you. If someone is someone touched you, has someone touched you? And I'm always, I always said no. Um. And even after that moment, I still told my mom when she would ask me out at random times, I would tell her no, nobody touched me and, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I was, I was protected and I was protecting those. I was really protecting those.
12:44
And I don't know if well, no, trust me.
12:49
I must say that to the end of the podcast, but so. Yeah, that was the end of the first occasion with those two guys.
13:01
So now I'm about to get into the second occasion. And this was a very. Umm.
13:11
This was the 2nd occasion was.
13:15
This was the moment that I actually had to, really. Like, reevaluate? I had to ask myself, like what? Like how can I label this moment? I really could not figure out what to call it and if you guys can figure it out for me, I would appreciate if you guys would, you know, hit me up on Instagram and tell me what what is it that you would consider it as. In a sense I would. I would consider it sexual coercion, but not entirely. But if there is another cause, I was trying to think I was trying to figure out how to really label the moment, but I couldn't. So.
13:55
So. So the 1st the 2nd occasion it was from this boy who was in high school. And, uh, let me revert back to the first occasion those two boys were actually, I would say they were in like, middle school. They were like I would say like 7th, 7th, grade. So. They were old enough. They were old enough to know something like this is not something that you do on a regular basis or at all. But anyways, so the second occasion. From this one one guy.
14:34
Oh my gosh, boy. Explaining these stories are a little. It's crazy. So the second occasion happened from a boy that I knew. He was new to the neighborhood. And he was very tall and he went to Ely, which is a high school. So I was keeping in mind, I'm still like still within that age span 55 through seven. So I'm still like with I'm still in like first or second grade. So it was three of us this one day, and it was broad daylight. And um, it was three of us. It was the boy in high school. Then there was another boy that I knew who I think he was in middle school, I believe. And so I remember that the tall high schooler he was, he was living with his sister at the time. And in was crazy. This happened in the same neighborhood as well, but a different building. So anyways so. He he was living with his sister and um. One day. She I think she went to work so he had the house himself. And so me and the other boy, we were like ohh, can we play our game and blah blah blah blah. He was alright, let's just go. So we went upstairs to his place and then that's when we started playing the game and I think it was like Mario Kart. Don't ask me how or how I remember that, but I think it was Mario Kart. So he was beating us or whatever and. We couldn't really, we couldn't really beat him because, you know, obviously this is his game, so he may just know the skills and the cheat codes, you know, that whole shebang, whatever. And then, like, moments later, I guess he was getting a thrill out of beating us so. I remember I glanced at him and then I remember seeing his, his, his, his big friend, because that **** was ****. Was a ******* tower. I just wanna let you know that even though I was young, let me just, you know, let me, let me make this, let me say this because. Then aggadic was too ******* big. Oh my gosh, too ******* big. Yes, what this was. This is a very serious moment, but I just have to say I to this day I have not seen no horse. ****. Like that before
17:00
that **** was humongous. Ohh my gosh I shouldn't be saying that word. His penis was very humongous and I never seen anything like that till this day. But anyways, let's get back to the subject anyways. So, you know, I, I glanced at him. And. Um, I remember his thing was fully erect, like it was hard and like it was standing up and he had it behind his jacket and he was hiding it, but I seen it so like, you know. Me being a victim of sexual coercion. And at the time I didn't know what. What actually happened to me? And I I was, you know, I was kind of thrilled that you know that that the first occasion that happened to me like I was so. I was so happy that it happened to me that I was like, Oh my God, I want it to happen again. And like, I'm like, I don't know how it may happen or when it may happen, but I want it to happen again. And so bam, the opportunity presented itself. And I was like, Oh my gosh, this is my chance. So. This is in high school. Let me, let me keep that in mind. So I was like, oh, let's go to the room. I wanna talk to you real quick. So. And yes, I'm in the 1st and 2nd grade and you're like, why are you asking this boy to listen? I don't know. I really don't know. I just know that I just asked him to go to the room and this boy agreed. He agreed. He agreed to a first and 2nd grader telling him to go to the room to talk about ******* what? To talk about what?
18:40
And then for to ask you to close the door behind you to talk about what? So anyways. So he was like alright, let's go in the room. So we went in the room and then the boy, I was the boy I was sitting next to you. He was like art which are going in the room for right around A and we were just like we're just going to talk. So he was like alright, so he just kept on playing the game. So me and the boy, me and the high school where we went into his room. And so that's when I was like, I, you know, he pulled down his. I was like pulling down. So he pulled him down and then essentially. I reenacted the 1st. Encounter that happened to me, which was, you know, me being the first occasion that I described to you guys the first story. So I did that, but it was cut short because the boy. Um, I was with, he was like, oh, what are you guys doing in there? And he was getting a little suspect of like, how long we were going to be in the room. So he busted in the room and like as soon as when the boy busted in the room, like the high schooler, he pulled up his pants. Then he flipped a story on me as if I'm the one who went down on him. And he was an old he trying to go down on me right about right about so I'm like what are you talking about? Like we just saw I'm like OK wow, this that was quick that that that had a that made a quick turn. So I was like OK, whatever. I'm like what what you know so. That's when he told both of us to get out his house. So I'm like, OK, that was. ******* weird. So I'm like, alright, whatever. So I remember I wasn't really too scared that he was gonna tell my mom because I knew if he would have told my mom. My mom wouldn't. She wouldn't really be mad at me. She would be mad at him because you're older than me. You're in high school. You have more sense than I do. So. After that moment. Um. When I when I sat down with myself actually a couple of a couple of days ago and trying to label that moment. For for whatever it was I could not look up. I was looking up all types of different sexual assaults and I could not label that moment. I didn't know how to label that moment. So
21:01
because in a way, I felt like I was responsible. Because I'm the one who told who told him to go in the room. Like, let's go in the room. But at the same time, this thing was in high school. Why are you agreeing to go on a room with me and then me telling you to pull down your pants and you actually listen to me like that doesn't make any sense.
21:23
I was a child, y'all. I was a child. Why are you letting a child tell you to pull down your pants? So actually going through those, those, those events that happened to me. They actually are linked to. that. Me actually being a victim of, you know, sexual coercion.
21:48
And if you don't know what sexual coercion is, it's basically having someone perform sexual sexual acts on you.
21:59
That's the simplified definition of sexual coercion. You can look it up, but.
22:10
It was just sitting down with myself and actually having a really take it as as it was. It was kind of hard for me. I don't know if that makes sense, but. So. I really felt like. He could have prevented that moment because even though I'm telling you to pull down your pants, why are you agreeing to pull down your pants in front of a child?
22:40
I'm not even. I'm not even in middle school. I am a second grader. And at the time when I was in second grade, we didn't, we didn't have the ******* ohh if you had a, if you had a B, we had the numbers, we had the one or two or threes. I wasn't even in that status of getting A's and B's. I wasn't a status of getting ones, twos, or threes. Why are you pulling down your pants? From a kid telling you to pull down your pants? That does not make sense to me.
23:14
So. I'm not going to sit here and blame myself that I act. I was the one who made it, made it go the way it went. But like at the same time I'm still gonna say this was in high school so I don't understand but.
23:32
If to anyone who is encountering any sexual assaults that you may be going through, please look for resources and look look for help. Talk to somebody so that you can feel safe at the end of the day. Because these are actually real **** that actually happens,
23:55
I did prepare a message to. My sexual assaulters. Because. There is something that. I do want to get off my chest.
24:09
Because there is a generational curse with a lot of us on not talking about who sexually assaulted us. And not putting them. In this category. Of men that needs to be shamed. That needs to be. Looked at it differently. So here's my message to those three men.
24:37
Now.
24:41
We have had encounters. Before I moved from Florida. I know those thoughts you may have ramping through your mind about if I still remember. Which I do. I know they still haunt you. Your days are numbered of you living without people knowing this secret. Of these things. That you had a child due to you.
25:10
One of these days I will expose you and when I decide to do that, just know. Then I'm at peace. Of finally letting the world know who you guys are. I will become the example for victims to know that it's not the end of the world when we expose our sexual assaulters.
25:36
Thank you. no