Men on the Path to Love
S2 Ep 36
4 Things to Always Remember in Relationship
Hi, and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the 4 Things to Always Remember in Relationship, episode. I’m Bill Simpson your host, I coach men who are struggling in relationship how to communicate effectively, build trust and deepen intimacy, so they can be the best version of themselves in relationship, and live the life they love!
Early on, on my path for love, I hosted a weekly, hour-long radio show called Pathways to Health. One of the features of the show was Your Relationship Tip of the Week where a couples counselor (and frankly a mentor of mine) would offer a short relationship tip. One that stood out for me that I never forgot was about these 4 things I’m about to share with you. I share these with all of my relationship clients when they first come to me. It’s a great place to start when trying to grow in your relationship. I’ll identify them and then elaborate on each one.
So, before you say anything to your spouse or partner, before you behave or act, use your body language, or any interaction at all, always try to come from the mindset of these 4 things:
- I Love You
- I Care About You
- I Respect You
- I Want You To Feel Safe In This Relationship
Ok…starting with I love you. It’s so important to always remember that you love this person, right? I’d like for you to think about how you should or want to treat somebody you love. When I had one of my clients (I’ll call him Carl) do this exercise, he quickly realized that he wasn’t acting very loving towards his partner. He loved her very much yet he often snapped at her and would put her down or teased her by calling her names at times. How often do we see this depicted in the media, especially sitcoms, right?
Well, Carl eventually made the connection that his father was like that with his mom. After learning this, he made a conscious effort to be more loving. He would slip into his old patterns from time to time, which is normal when you’re trying to change.
With Carl putting down his partner, and many of us do, It’s not surprising really. Often we tend to hurt the ones we love the most. Why is that? Well, research says there are a variety of reasons why:
- One could be from the environment we grew up in, like with Carl. His father modeled the behavior he ended up taking on.
- Another could be feeling more comfortable or familiar with our spouse or partner, as to let our guard down and not filter our expressions of anger that could hurt them.
- And with that, emotions can run high in relationships and be really intense, causing you to respond more impulsively to your spouse or partner, saying or doing something you may regret later.
- And if it’s hard for either of you to regulate your emotions, that can lead to hurtful behavior.
- When your spouse or partner doesn’t meet your expectations, and we get disappointed, it can lead to unintentionally acting in a way that hurts them.
- Sometimes we can project our own emotions that we haven’t resolved or even stress from other areas of our life onto our spouse or partner. Like if you are stressed at work and come home and take it out on your spouse or partner.
- Having different communication styles can come into play here. This can lead to misunderstandings where what one of you may see as a harmless comment might be hurtful to the other.
And I want to stress that most of this not intentional. That’s why self-awareness and taking in feedback is so important. In Carl’s case, once he had the awareness of how he was treating his partner in a unloving way, he was able to make changes and break the cycle of his father, and probably his father before him.
So, before you’re about to say something smart or hurtful, scrunch up your face, or act in an unloving way, remember, I love you. And tell your spouse or partner and show it in how you interact. Let go of your ego for the sake of love.
Number 2 of the 4 is I Care About You. Now, it’s normal to think that, well if I love this person naturally I care, right? Well, you may certainly love your spouse or partner and yet your actions might not show that you care. We can get so caught up in the day to day that we forget to show how much we care or we just take each other for granted. That’s part of why my wife and I say 3 appreciations to each other before going to sleep each night.
Let your spouse or partner know that you care about what she or he thinks. Ask about how their day went, and about their health and wellbeing. Listen, and show real interest in what’s being said and offer support through the good and the bad stuff. Show that you’re interested in their hopes and dreams, and day to day life. When you show that you care, you’re building trust which ultimately deepens your connection for the long term of the relationship.
Next, number 3 is I Respect You. Aretha Franklin demanded it and rightly so. We all deserve respect period, especially in relationship. I’ve heard a lot of women in my clinical practice say how they’ve felt disrespected in their relationships and they often leave when they don’t get it. It’s understanding that you are both equals and both of you deserve respect. Be respectful in your words and your actions. And when you disagree on something, respectfully agree to disagree.
I coach my clients to use mindful communications and part of that is understanding that reality is in the eye of the receiver. Which means, in terms of respect, if my wife says she feels disrespected, that’s her reality whether I think it’s true or not. I trust that it’s her experience and I respect her experience. I may ask her to tell me more so I can be clear as to how she felt that way.
Another thing I want to say about respect is to respect your spouse or partner’s body. No means no. I hear a lot of men say how frustrated they get when their spouse or partner turns them down for sex. It’s like they feel entitled, which is definitely a turn off. Remember, showing some respect can go a long way, again, in building trust and for the longevity of the relationship.
And finally, number 4 I Want You To Feel Safe In This Relationship. This is huge guys. And often as men we can overlook this. Safety in relationship is important to women because men are generally bigger and stronger and can be threatening simply because of our physicality even if it’s only on a subconscious level. Men don’t usually feel that sense of physical threat so it's important to be mindful that your spouse or partner might.
Safety is especially important when you are mad or are upset. Just because you’re angry doesn’t mean that you have to yell and act aggressively. It’s just an intense feeling. Take responsibility for your feelings and act accordingly. You can even say something like “Babe, I love you and I’m really angry at you right now. I need to step out for a few minutes and calm down.” The time to talk is when you are both calm. Taking responsibility for your emotions can help create a sense of safety.
And it goes both ways. Women can make the relationship feel unsafe as well. One example of that is when I had a client who I’ll call Eric. Whenever he would make himself vulnerable, his wife would belittle him and call him weak. As a result, he would shut down and not share his feelings. Ultimately, they grew apart and the marriage ended.
And I have to say, loving someone fully can feel dangerous in itself, right? It’s so important that both parties work at creating safety in the relationship. It gives room for each other to be real and vulnerable which is a huge part of a deep, long-lasting relationship.
So once again, here are the 4 Things To Always Remember In Relationship:
- I love you
- I care about you
- I respect you
- I want you to feel safe in this relationship
I have a handout with these 4 things on there that I give my to clients to put in a place in their home where they can see it, reinforce it, and then act on it. You can make one yourself and put it on your refrigerator, bathroom mirror, car or wherever you want to remind yourself of these the values.
In any situation where you feel angry, frustrated or are about to say or do something to your spouse or partner you might regret, pause, take a deep breath and remember you can accept your thoughts, feelings or bodily urges/sensations and respond from your relationship values: I Love You, I Care About You, I Respect You and I Want You to Feel Safe in This Relationship!
It may not be easy at first. You will resist at times because your brain is used to doing it the old way. Have patience and be gentle with yourself in the process. The more you practice, the better you will get!
Now in remembering these for things when interacting with your spouse or partner, I challenge you to remember to apply these 4 things to yourself.
It’s called self-compassion. I did a whole episode on it last season (episode 11 to be exact). So, love yourself, care for yourself, respect yourself, and feel safe with yourself. It’s probably even more challenging to apply these to yourself, yet when you do apply these values to yourself, it will be much easier to apply them to your spouse or partner, or anyone for that matter. Again, it takes, practice, practice, practice.
I found a quote about love, it’s actually verses from the Bible which I’ve never done before and it certainly applies. It’s from 1st Corinthians 13:4-7, it says "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." Can I get an amen!
And that will do if for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the 4 Things To Always Remember in Relationship, episode. I’m Bill Simpson your host. Thanks for listening.
Coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, it’s another BONUS episode where you’ll hear my conversation with philosopher, educator and writer, Dr. Simon Fokt. He’s the creator of Mans Compass. He is a wealth of knowledge and someone who, in his words, is trying to navigate the chaos of modern masculinity. Please join us as we get philosophical on you, it’s the Conversation about Modern Masculinity with Dr Simon Fokt, episode.
And of course, as always, if you have a comment, suggestion or idea for the show, if you have something going on in your relationship you need some support with, maybe you’d like to collaborate with me and be a guest, or just want to connect with me, go to my website where you can email me or set up a free call. Go to menonthepathtolove.com. And when you’re there, you can download my free cheat sheet 5 Ways to Communicate Better in Relationship at menonthepathtolove.com.
And if you know anyone you think might get something out by listening to this podcast, please share the link and share the love.
So until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.