Men on the Path to Love
S2 Ep 38
The Relationship Killer: Good Sign Your Relationship May Be Over
Hi, and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the The Relationship Killer: A Good Sign Your Relationship May Be Over, episode. I’m Bill Simpson your host, I coach men who are struggling in relationship how to communicate effectively, build trust and deepen intimacy, so they can be the best version of themselves in relationship, and live the life they love!
So what is ‘the relationship killer’ you may ask? Well, there’s certainly more than one predictor that a relationship will probably end but the one that got the nickname of relationship killer is contempt. Relationship expert and psychologist, Dr. John Gottman’s research has shown that the presence of contempt in relationship is one of the strongest predictors of divorce and relationship breakdown.
So what is contempt? Contempt is a feeling of disdain or deep-rooted disrespect towards someone, and a lot of times with it come a sense of superiority or feeling better than the other, and along with that, having the attitude that the other person is basically worthless or beneath them. This emotion can show up in expressions, or behaviors where the other person may feel scorned, mocked, and ridiculed. Having this dismissive behavior and judgment can make it one of the most harmful emotions in relationships.
Research attributes this to couples not addressing their issues with each other and over time resentment and anger builds to the point where it doesn’t stop, and contempt sets in and becomes the norm. The relationship eventually whittles down to where the love is gone and they drift apart.
This was the case with Artie (not his real name of course). Artie was an easy-going guy, an airplane mechanic for a major airline, and was well regarded among his coworkers for his skills and dedication. He was a hard worker and a good provider, and always made sure his family had everything they needed. Artie adored his wife Atsumi (not her real name), and tried his best to make their relationship work. However, it seemed like no matter what he did, it was never enough for Atsumi.
For example, Artie would come home after long shift at work and still help out with household chores, whatever needed to be down, you know, doing his part. Well, despite his efforts, Atsumi would complain that he didn't clean the house right, and pointing out the smallest spots that he missed or she would say that he was too slow.
Once on their anniversary, Artie had saved up to buy Atsumi a really nice earring and necklace set, hoping that it would make her happy right? Nope, she had something to say about it, that it wasn’t her style and that he was stupid and should have known better.
And since Artie could fly for free, he arranged a romantic 3-day weekend getaway to Bermuda try to get the spark back in their relationship, but Atsumi complained that Bermuda was boring and not what she wanted.
Artie put up with so much of Atsumi’s crap because he loved her and would do anything for her to be happy, and for him to feel connected like they were when they first met.
Well, the crap just continued. Whenever Artie tried to talk with about the day-to-day, Atsumi would get sarcastic and what not. Say if he would talk about his day at work she would mock him, saying stuff like, "Oh, must be so hard fixing planes all day. Poor little you."
During arguments, Atsumi would be dismissive of anything Artie had to say. She would get an attitude and be very dismissive. And sometimes she wouldn’t say anything but her body language would say it all. She’d roll her eyes and sigh really loud making Artie feel like he didn’t matter.
The worst for Artie was when she would humiliate him in front of their friends and family. Atsumi would make fun of Artie, and again, point out his faults. This humiliation wore down Artie's confidence and made him feel like shit.
Now, you might be thinking,“what the hell Artie, don’t put up with that shit, be a man and stand up to her.” The thing is, he would stand up to her yet whenever he did her contempt got worse. And Artie’s sense of self and his identity went down the tubes. That’s the thing, when you love someone, you can lose sight of yourself and the big picture, and take the crumbs just to keep her.
Well, Artie ended up becoming depressed. He was losing focus at work and was getting close to losing his job, which he loved. He felt trapped in his marriage, trying to please Atsumi who seemed impossible to please. Eventually, Artie reached a breaking point. In his mind, the only way to save himself was to leave Atsumi. He made the difficult decision to end their marriage, hoping to find himself again.
Once they separated, Artie was referred to me by a close friend of his. He reached out to me, he said, to get a sense of himself and try to figure out what went wrong in the marriage.
- The first thing I did was to validate his experience and how hard it was to be subjected to Atsumi’s contempt.
- I helped Artie see that her contempt was likely a projection of her own insecurities and unhappiness within herself. And that it wasn’t a true reflection of his worth. When I pointed this out to Artie, he recalled that Atsumi had also acted out towards other people that she was close to, like her family and friends. Artie could see that her issues were not just about him. It was who she was.
- We worked with self-compassion to help him get a better sense of himself and what he had been through.
- And used mindfulness strategies to help him sustain self-compassion and to help him stay focused on his growth in moving forward.
- After some time, I was able to shed some light on what Artie’s role was in their toxic dynamic. One was that he tended to be over-accommodating, you know. He was basically bending over backwards to try to, is his words, to make Atsumi happy, and I pointed out that it was probably more about avoiding conflict.
- And with that fear of confrontation, it kept him from standing up for himself effectively. Notice I said effectively. He did stand up for himself in a way, but it wasn’t very effective. In fact, it made it worse, right?
- I also coached him how to be more assertive and how to set boundaries using mindful communication strategies so he could express his needs and his feelings in a respectful and compassionate way. This became a big part of his focus on his personal growth journey.
So, having a new sense of self-awareness, self-confidence, (and most important in my opinion) self-compassion, Artie was able to move forward and eventually find a healthy relationship. His approach this time was using his new communication skills, his ability to set stronger boundaries, and him having a better understanding of what it means to have mutual respect.
Artie got to the point where he didn’t see his marriage to Atsumi as a failure. He saw it as a blessing. His big take away was that while he couldn't change Atsumi (or anyone for that matter), he could change himself, and how he responds to other people’s behavior, and that it was up to him to take control of his own happiness to live the life he loves.
Now, even though Artie was a victim, I guess you could say, to Atsumi’s contempt, I chose Artie’s story and my experience with him because often times it’s the man that gets depicted as the one who shows contempt. I wanted to show that it goes both ways, probably more than you think.
If you’re finding yourself feeling contempt and acting out with your spouse or partner, it’s a good sign that the relationship is heading in the wrong direction, and without addressing it, it could certainly lead to the end of the relationship. Does it have to be the end? The short answer is NO.
Research says that while overcoming contempt in relationships can be challenging, it is possible if you are both committed. At the beginning of the podcast I reference relationship expert John Gottman. His longitudinal studies on married couples have shown that those who successfully address and reduce contempt can significantly improve their relationship satisfaction and longevity.
Here are some proven ways to do it:
- Create a foundation of appreciation in your relationship. I’ve said this before, that my wife and I offer at least 3 appreciations to each before going to sleep each night.
- Learn and use mindfulness and effective communication skills as well as conflict resolution skills, and how to set and honor boundaries.
- Develop empathy and understanding each other’s perspectives.
- Build trust through being vulnerable and being open to change.
- Spend quality time together doing activities that you both like to do and that are bonding. Have meaningful conversations that bring you closer together.
- Start collaborating and taking on new challenges as a team rather than separately. And more…
All of this takes a lot of effort and hard work, right? And, I probably should have said this at the onset, get some help to get you through it. If you’re at the point of contempt, chances are you will need lots of help to get to the other side. Whether it’s through therapy, counseling, coaching, your place of worship, whatever, get some help if you want to get out of contempt and into love for the long term of your relationship. It is well worth the time, effort and the money, trust me.
I’ll close out with this quote from author Leo Buscaglia aka Dr Love: "Love is always bestowed as a gift – freely, willingly, and without expectation. We don't love to be loved; we love to love. Overcoming contempt requires this selfless approach." Well-said Dr Love…not to be confused with my nickname back in the day when I was doing night time radio, they called me the Love Doctor.
So this is the Love Doctor wrapping up this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the Relationship Killer: Good Sign Your Relationship May Be Over, episode. I’m Bill Simpson your host. Thank you so much for listening, I hope you got something out of it.
Coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, it’s another BONUS episode, How to Reconnect Separated Husbands with Their Wives, with author Randy Pryor. It’s a must-listen for any of you out who want to have a better connection with your ex. It is possible.
Now, if you have any ideas or topics for the podcast or have any issues in your relationship you need support with, if you would like to be a guest on the podcast and collaborate, or if you just want to connect, you can do it all at my website: menonthepathtolove.com. You can also download my free cheat sheet: 5 Ways to Communicate Better in Relationship. Once again, just go to menonthepathtolove.com.
And if you know someone who you think might get something out of listening to the podcast, by all means, share the link and share the love.
And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.