Men on the Path to Love
S2 Ep 40
How To Heal After The Loss Of Your Spouse or Partner
Hi, and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the How To Heal After The Loss Of Your Spouse or Partner, episode. I’m Bill Simpson your host, I coach men who are struggling in relationship how to communicate effectively, build trust and deepen intimacy, so they can be the best version of themselves in relationship, and live the life they love!
One of my Facebook friends recently DM’d me. As a widow, she was basically asking me about how to move on after the loss of her husband. I wrote back and tried to offer some comfort. I thought I would cover the topic on my podcast.
Back when I was in my early teens, I experienced the loss of my mother from a heart attack and my oldest brother who was about 28 at the time. He died in a car accident. My mother had given custody to my father when I was 8 and never had contact with her up until she died. I had basically experienced her loss at 8. It wasn’t until I was an adult and having gone through therapy that I was able to finally mourn those losses. Subsequently, I had lost my father, step mother and other elderly relatives along the way as well.
I also experienced the loss of my former radio partner and good friend Brian Carter. He died of a heart attack. We were brothers from another mother. I was devastated by the sudden loss. I couldn’t believe someone who had such a zest for life had been taken away. It was one of the hardest losses I had ever experienced.
And as hard as that loss was, I can’t imagine experiencing the loss of my wife. I get a little choked up thinking about it. I think back to when I was in my late teens, where one of my elderly cousin’s wife had passed away. They had been married for decades and the loss hit him hard. He was very depressed and had a hard time functioning a in life without her. After, some time had gone by he seemed to be doing better, and then we got the news that he tragically he ended his own life. That’s how devastating this type of loss can be. And again, although it’s inevitable, I can’t imagine losing my wife.
My heart goes out to you if have lost your spouse or partner. And my reason for covering this topic is to offer some support as you navigate the healing process.
I want to share Angel’s story and his process after losing his wife Rosie to breast cancer. Angel and Rosie (not their real names) they had basically been inseparable since they met and fell in love in college. They had built an amazing life together, making a lot of their shared dreams come true. Needless to say, the news of Rosie’s breast cancer diagnosis was life shattering. Rosie had put up a fearless fight yet she passed away, leaving Angel with a broken heart, confused and almost without a sense of purpose.
Angel felt a profound emptiness. Recalling how their home, once a place of warm, comfort and joy, now seemed almost too quiet to bear. He missed Rosie’s infectious laugh, her smile, how she made everyone around her feel important to her.
Well, the first step along Angel’s path to his healing was to acknowledge his grief, that it was real. He allowed himself to feel his pain, rather than stuffing. He had the awareness that only by confronting his grief could he begin to heal. As much as he knew to do this, it was extremely hard and overwhelming for him.
In having this overwhelming pain, Angel decided to get some help from a grief counselor. He learned to navigate his emotions and process his grief in a healthy way. Through therapy, he realized that healing grief and loss takes time and is a gradual process.
Along with therapy, Angel was fortunate to have family and friends who rallied around him. He was encouraged to join a support group for widows and widowers at his church. Being around other’s who had experienced a similar losses was very helpful. Through sharing his experience and hearing other people’s stories, he didn’t feel so alone in what he was going through.
One of his support group members talked about a memorial she had purchased to keep the memory of her late husband alive. She had bought a plaque to put on a bench in their favorite park. Angel thought thought that was a good idea decided to create a small memorial in their backyard. He planted a garden of her favorite flowers and put a bench near it. Occasionally he would sit and recall the good memories. This gave Angel a strong sense of peace and connection to Rosie.
One of the most significant steps in Angel's healing path embracing something you hear me talk about a lot and that is self-compassion. He learned to treat himself as he would someone he loved and care about. It wasn’t easy, yet over time he was able to comfort himself through the pain of it all. He let himself feel moments of happiness and joy without feeling guilt about it. He was able to accept that his moving forward was not about forgetting Rosie. Through self-compassion he was able to take in the good days, and gave himself grace on the not-so-good ones.
As time went on, Angel gradually put himself out there socially. He got reacquainted with old friends. He had made some new friends through is support group and some volunteer work he was doing. Initially, it was challenging at times going to gatherings and wishing Rosie was with him, as it often brought back memories of being with her. Eventually, he found got a lot of comfort being in the company of others.
Angel he started doing things that actually brought him joy. He took improv classes which was something he and Rosie had on their bucket list. They loved the TV show Who’s Line Is It Anyway?
Another thing that Angel did to feel a sense of purpose with Rosie's loss was to set up a fund for breast cancer awareness and research in her name. This was a positive way for Angel to channel his grief and create a legacy for Rosie.
As time passed, Angel started to see a future without Rosie. Not a day went by that he didn’t celebrate her life and the love they shared in some way. He took solace and strength in knowing that she would always be a part of him.
As Angel navigated these steps along his healing path, he gradually began to heal. He would continue to stumble along they way yet he got that grief and loss is a process that takes time, patience and self-compassion. Angel found a new meaning in life and a path to move forward, always carrying Rosie's love with him to keep him strong, motivated, and inspired.
Navigating the loss of a loved is hard period. And it’s something about the dynamic of the relationship of spouse and partner that makes it especially hard. Psychiatrist and author, Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote a book that was highly regarded called “On Death and Dying.” In it she goes through the 6 stages of grief which I think is something to be aware of. I’d like to share them with you.
- Denial-the initial shock or disbelief
- Anger
- Bargaining: That’s a way to try to gain control or find some type of meaning in the loss. That might sound like"If only I had been with her, maybe this wouldn't have happened.” Or something like that.
- Depression
- Acceptance-coming terms with the reality of the loss and start to adjust.
- Meaning/reconstruction-This stage is all about rebuilding and finding a way to live a fulfilling life despite the loss.
Another thing I’d like to share is a handout I was given called The Mourner’s Bill of Rights. One of my colleagues at the health clinic where I work shared this during the pandemic when a lot of our staff were experiencing loss, whether it was the loss of family, friends, or the patients that we served. I’d like to read these rights. I don’t know who to attribute these to as there was no author on the handout.
Here you go, there are 10:
The Mourner’s Bill of Rights
Though you should reach out to others as you do the work of mourning, you should not feel obligated to accept the unhelpful responses you may receive from some people. You are the one who is grieving, and as such, you have certain “rights” no one should try to take away from you.
The following list is intended both to empower you to heal and to decide how others can and cannot help. This is not to discourage you from reaching out to others for help, but rather to assist you in distinguishing useful responses from hurtful ones.
1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief
No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. So, when you turn to others for help, don’t allow them to tell what you should or should not be feeling.
2. You have the right to talk about your grief
Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. If at times you don’t feel like talking, you also have the right to be silent.
3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions
Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Others may try to tell you that feeling angry, for example, is wrong. Don’t take these judgmental responses to heart. Instead, find listeners who will accept your feelings without condition.
4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits
Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don’t allow others to push you into doing things you don’t feel ready to do.
5. You have the right to experience “griefbursts”
Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.
6. You have the right to make use of ritual
The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don’t listen.
7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality
If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.
8. You have the right to search for meaning
You may find yourself asking, “Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?” Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like, “It was God’s will” or “Think of what you have to be thankful for” are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.
9. You have the right to treasure your memories
Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them.
10. You have the right to move toward your grief and heal
Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever. There you go. So if you’re experiencing loss. I hope his brought some comfort to you.
Here is a lovely quote from psychiatrist and author On Death and Dying Elisabeth Kubler-Ross…she says ”The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not 'get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to."
And that’s going to do it for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the How To Heal After The Loss Of Your Spouse or Partner. I’m Bill Simpson your host, I appreciate you listening.
Coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, it’s a BONUS episode a Conversation with Sex Mastery Coach Lenerd Louw about men’s sexuality.